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baddadjokez · 5 years

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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.The shovel was a ground breaking invention.A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.Sausage puns are the wurst.What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.What do you call a french pig? Porque.What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.How do trees access the internet? They log on.Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable.Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.What does a house wear? A dress.Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line!An untalented gymast walks into a bar.Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them.Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist.Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached.Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.Why are there fences on graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.Models of dragons are not to scale.Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it.People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.What do you call a young musician? A minor.Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.What do you mean June is over? Julying.Why is Kylo Ren so angry? Beause he’s always Ben Solo.These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman.Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep.A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.I, for one, like Roman numerals.How do mountains see? They peak.The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.The earth's rotation really makes my day.If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed.What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused.The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practorI feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.The display of still-life art was not at all moving!On Halloween October is nearly Octover.Pig puns are so boaring.Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.One hat says to the other, "You stay here, I’ll go on a head."How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.Can February March? No, but April May.I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves.What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.A backwards poem writes inverse.Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated.Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents.What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.Old skiers never die. They just go down hill.Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That's the spirit!I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat.Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day.A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic.All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo.Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks.I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!I really look up to my tall friends.I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.It takes guts to make a sausage.Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in itWhat do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the mooooo-vies!What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato? C’mon, ketchup!Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t “peeling” well!What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with!What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrr!What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as!What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smellsWhy did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!What happens when an egg laughs? It cracks up!What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? Because he was stuffed!Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? Because the ice might crack up!What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival? A married-go-round!How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies? Pretty crummy!What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter? A smelly-copter!What do you get when you shake a cow? A milkshake!How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey!What did the ocean say to their airplane? Nothing, it just waved!Where do eskimo pigs live? In pig-loos.What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping? A dino-snore!What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie? Crumb on!Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space? To find Pluto!What does Olaf eat for lunch? Icebergers!What letter is always wet? The C!How do you throw a space party? You planet.How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.Nope. Unintended.The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.The broom swept the nation away.I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.Sausage puns are the wurst.What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

#dad jokes #puns #jokes

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chcfasher · 4 years

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okay i am so excited to get to plotting & interacting with all u cuties ! bare with me though , im also trying to study for a quiz i gotta take later tonight . anyways , i’m mia aka your resident masshole reporting for duty . i’m 20 years old ... will be 21 in june ( fingers crossed my Sad ass will be out of q*arentine by then ) . i go by she / her / dumb bitch pronouns & am very much so done talking about myself already . so lets get to my boy asher here who is ... how do you say ? a asshole ? a dirt bag ? a soft baby boi ? if you wanna plot & discord is easier for you shoot me a mssg @ 𝖒𝖌𝖐'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#9789 . lets goooo 💛

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒

full name: asher james bennett nickname: ash , aj birthday: march 25 , 1996 zodiac: aries hometown: madison , wisconsin ( click here to see his parents house / childhood home ) current residence: los angeles , california ( although he lives in the villa with everyone , before the year away he lived on his own & still owns the home , both because he loves the place and because it gives his family somewhere to go when they come out click here to see his house ) vehicle: 2017 jeep wrangler rubicon in black ( click here ) , 2019 maserati granturismo in red ( click here ) gender: cismale orientation: heterosexual , heteromantic relationship status: single ( it’s complicated ) family: tamara marie bennett-abbott ( mother ) , harrison charles bennett ( father , deceased ) , mason billings abbott ( stepfather ) , bradford sawyer abbott ( brother ) , stephanie anne bennett ( sister ) education: vocational highschool graduating from the culinary program , graduated ucla with a bachelor in management with a minor in food studies occupation: celebrity chef , tv personality net worth: 19.7m height: 5′11″ weight: 161lbs tattoos: left arm ( x , x ) , right arm ( x , x , plus the butterfly tattoo jack has ) , right hand ( x ) , right thigh ( x ) , left leg ( x ) criminal record: arrested ( x6 ) - simple assault ( x2 ) , assault and battery ( x1 ) , disorderly conduct ( x2 ) , criminal mischief ( x1 ) , criminal trespassing ( x2 ) , minor in possession of alcohol ( x2 ) , drug possession ( x1 ) drugs / alochol / smoking: yes , mostly marijuana though / yes / no moral alignment: chaotic neutral hogwarts house: slytherin theme song: righteous by juice wrld ( a look at his mental health and the way it he attempts to cope ) & i am by james arthur ( deep dives into his view on himself and how outside opinions of him have effected the way he sees himself ) & empty space by james arthur ( instead of being about a girl this really encapsulates how the loss of his father has affected his life ) traits: charismatic , well-intentioned , affectionate , loyal , jocular , reckless , immature , flippant , short-tempered label: politicians son , miscreant , fuck boy , broken bird , mr. misunderstood , mama’s boy , epicure hidden talents: drawing , singing , master at rubiks cube , skilled card counter ( blackjack )

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

asher was born just eleven months after his sister stephanie , to at the time lobbyist harrison bennett & prosecutor tamara bennett . a menace as a child , he made dennis the menace look like a saint , basically . at first his parents hoped this was simply just a phase but as time went on it became very clear that if it were a phase it was going on for much longer than his parents had hoped . his sister immediately taking on the spot of prodigal daughter , while asher took on the spot of black sheep of the family . this didn’t mean that his parents didn’t absolutely adore both of their children , because they did . both taking on daddy’s little girl & mama’s boy respectively , early on .

around the time asher was seven both of his parents were up for office , his mother for district attorney & his father for u.s representative from wisconsin . the influx of cameras / eyes on the bennett family mixed with the level of stress both his parents were under completely put asher off from the world of politics . despite being in a family that had generational ties to politics on both sides . during a family appearance asher was captured on camera ( both video & photo ) putting up a piece sign behind his sisters head during a speech his father was giving .

[ tw: death , suicide , loss of a parent ] when asher was twelve his father went on a boating trip with friend , call it a boys trip if you will . two days into the trip news broke of his father being in a major boating accident where harrison was the only one on the boat & was dead upon being found . it later was confirmed by the coroner that his death was likely a suicide . the loss of harrison was hard on the entire family , it was easy to say it affected asher heavily having locked himself away in his bedroom for nearly a week only leaving his room to go to the bathroom & grab food that he’d return to his room to eat . later , when he returned to school he was suspended just in that school year three times . it was genuinely the beginning to the incredibly reckless version of asher , that we seen since .

despite his antics he played varsity football as a cornerback & varsity soccer as a midfielder . taking up sports at an early age , it was clear he was a born athlete who genuinely enjoyed a little competition . he also took an interest in culinary , he was very much so that kid standing on a step stool as he helped his parents in the kitchen . this interest turned into him attending a vocational / trade highschool instead of an ordinary public school , like he had in elementary & middle .

when he was fifteen he started a youtube channel where he posted cook with me videos weekly & vlogged his experience within the culinary program at school .

during highschool his mom started getting serious with a professor at the local university . asher , of course , hated the idea of his mom replacing his dad and it took nearly two years & an engagement for him to actually sit down & listen to his mom about the situation . it wasn’t until then that he realized , mason , was supposed to replace his father ... it was simply his mom not allowing herself to get stuck in one place in life & fall into a spiral . once he actually heard her side he gave the guy a chance . turns out the two have alot in common & get along very well . he’ll never replace his father but he respects him none the less .

before he’d even graduated highschool , asher amassed over 1m subscribers , made appearances on the ellen degeneres show & rachel ray show . this was around the time he realized he wanted to turn his hobby into something more than that & hell he was good enough to do so . when graduation came , he’d already committed to attending ucla as a business major with a minor in food studies .

soon after graduation he went on the show master chef , finishing as runner up , which was one hell of a feat given he’d been the youngest chef on the show . he enjoyed the experience & recognition the show gave him .

while at ucla he continued to play football he was so good he was receiving national attention to the point where nfl scouts were looking at him . obviously he was still too young to go into the draft but they let him know , this was something that was more than on the table . it was definitely something he loved hearing but at the end of the day , the nfl was never really the goal for asher . so toward the end of his sophomore season when he was suspended for the rest of the season for getting arrested & charged with drug possession & criminal trespassing he took that as the excuse not to return the sport the following season .

this was not the first time ( we know it was not the last *wink wonk* ) asher was arrested . from the end of his middle school days throughout highschool he’d racked up four arrests . his first one taking place in eighth grade & the only reason the misdemeanor charges actually went through were because his mom asked for them to in hopes that it would scare asher from acting out in such a fashion ever again . unfortunately , his actions were rooted in much more than teen rebellion having never accepting or being able to cope with his father’s passing . the charges & arrests that would follow his mom was able to cover up & kind of bury them . that way word didn’t spread like wildfire about her reckless son .

not even a full year removed from football & he’d accepted a tv show offer from food network . a show called asher’s kitchen a primetime half-hour show where a new chef would come on each week if they beat asher in making a 3-course meal they win bragging rights & $20,000 , if they don’t they go home empty handed . despite the shows constant high ratings asher grew bored of the show & left after only two seasons . the network tried to replace him but quickly learned asher’s personality was what really carried the show .

in 2018 , he went on to open his first ever restaurant the smoking goat an american bistro with an upscale vibe in the heart of los angeles . the place is literally his baby & if you can’t find him you can bet your bottom dollar you’ll find him there . whether it’s catching up with regulars or big name celebrities coming through the doors , or throwing on a chef coat and cooking up some of his very own specials .

around the time of his restaurant opening he started to let up on the youtube channel & it’s now been nearly two years since he’s uploaded & honestly has no intent on returning to the platform . in asher’s eyes , everything has a term limit & his youtube channels time was up .

𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟗 / 𝐑𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐎 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

the timing of his amsterdam arrest was to say the least , horrific . not only was he in talks with several networks ( fox , cbs , netflix , etc ) to have his own daytime food-focused talk show but his mother was at the beginning stages of her 2020 presidential campaign , which she had since put a halt to and decided to continue on with her tenure as a u.s senator from wisconsin . with the headlines of his arrest spreading like wildfire , the internet resurfaced many of his earlier transgressions , the networks inevitably put a halt to going any further in negotiation & the political realm began to turn their attention to the kind of parent the senator was to have a son so ... out of control ? her opposition questioning how she could run a country if she couldn’t so much as raise a law abiding son .

upon his release from jail he took a jet straight home to wisconsin . with the realization of how much harm he’d done to the bennett reputation he made the personal promise to stay away from the media ( no social media , no tv , nothing ) & be the son the political world expected from a politician . his mother ( who is emulated mostly after laura baker from all american ) nearly begged him not to halt his life as a way of personal punishment for his actions . but after months back home & away from the limelight , asher could see the tides turning back in his moms favor & no big network offer ( and there were quite a few that came his way after the news of his arrest subsided ) could pull him back out into the forefront .

instead opening his second restaurant bennett’s , an upscale bar & grill in the capital city of wisconsin . he also began work on a cook book that’s kind of taken on a life of it’s own but he’s yet to be anywhere close to finishing that .

he has inevitably decided to come back & reunite with the bling ring a year later after his family sat him down & kind of had an intervention with him over his persistence to punish himself . claiming they feel he’s matured & gotten a good grasp on himself & that they don’t think he’ll fall into his bad behaviors again . ( spoiler alert: they’re going to be very wrong about this ... just saying / he’s going to return with the intent of being a better guy , being on the “ right track “ but lets be real it’s going to quickly spiral out of control as per usual ) .

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

as you can probably tell this boy is no good . he’s the guy your parents warn you about , i swear , he will get you into so much trouble & bask in the glory of being the one to give you such an adrenaline rush . he’s big on being here for a good time & not a long time . he just wants to have fun , at any cost . he’s extremely goofy , the kind of guy to whip out some mediocre wrestling moves on you for the sake of getting attention . he doesn’t take much seriously ... until he does ? what im saying is homeboy has one hell of a short temper and once he’s flipped his fuse , he basically blacks out . the reason for this is because no matter how happy & full of life he’d like to come off he has this deep well of anger that swells in him ever since he lost his dad . also a topic that can get him clenching his jaw , do not under any circumstances bring up harrison bennett . very much so a mama’s boy , though , catch him facetiming his mom once a day to tell her how much he loves her & see how she’s doing . he can come off very uncaring at times , it’s easy to say he’s probably one of the most misunderstood people around . he comes off like a douchebag , like someone who has little regard for others & don’t get me wrong he often is both of those things but he isn’t heartless ? when he has time to sit back and think about the damage he does ... it hits him like a mack truck & he goes into a pretty dark place of feeling like he’s a villain but he wants to be the hero of the story ? not very big on apologizing , verbally . if he says sorry you can bet a smug grin is following behind the words . instead he’s big on buying things & even cooking to show he’s sorry . probably not the best way to go about things but this is asher we’re talking about here . he is a flirt & will fuck anything . that’s all i have to say about that . onto his friends ? whew are his friends his world . he is a big proponent of bros before hoes & is an extremely loyal guy - to his friends . a true ride or die type a guy , he’d help he hide a dead body without any explanation at so what happened . a big move now ask questions later kinda dude .

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

BREATHE BY JAMES ARTHUR : he has a soft spot for her . he always has . she’s one of the only girls who doesn’t drool over him , they’ve never hooked up to any extent and that’s due in large part to her telling him from the beginning that the only way she’d give him a chance was if he straightened up his act & proved to her that he was worth her time . if there is a girl out there who can asher for the better , it’s her . but everytime she thinks she’s gotten him on the right path , she catches him either acting out or reverting to his fuck boy ways & getting with girl’s who he doesn’t have to put so much work into .

SAME SQUAD BY P-LO : let’s be real these three originated “saturdays are for the boys” . they’ve been boys for as long as they can remember . if you see one of them around you can rest assured the other two are in the vicinity . they’re the best of friends . they know everything there is to know about each other . all a bit reckless , but that’s what makes them such a fun trio . a very homiesexual bond takes place between these three & nothing & nobody could get between them .

CLOSE FRIENDS BY LIL BABY & GUNNA : they were once good friends , things spiraled past the point of their control , lines got blurred & then they were dating . the relationship as a whole was one no one thought would last . to give them credit things were good at first but after he cheated & she found out from a friend about it things started to go down hill . things only got worse when he was persistent in lying to her about the situation . she inevitably took him back & not too much later the arrest in amsterdam happened . before he was even released from jail , she was sent a video of him & one of his friends talking about sleeping with a prostitute . although it never happened the fact that was his intent was enough for her . his expectation was that because she forgave him before she’d wipe away the pain of him once again not having regard for their relationship & forgive him but she just couldn’t . when he came out to her forwarding the video to him , he decided to ignore the situation completely . the two have not had any contact for nearly a year & never really broke up or spoke about the situation .

NO FRAUDS BY NICKI MINAJ & DRAKE & LIL WAYNE : the perfect ride or die squad . the media likes to say someone in the trio is dating at any point in time but , that’s just not the case . these three are always getting into something . the true depiction of always having your friends back . they will lie for each other , fight for each other , anything to prove their loyalty to each other .

i also have some musing posts here , if you want to give that a look !

#𝓲. ‹ 🍾 › 𝓪𝓼𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓫𝓮𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓽𝓽 ◟ INTRO .#bling:intro

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hencethebravery · 7 years

Note

If you're interested I'd love some fic commentary for Alive.

Oh, yes, very much so. btw, sorry to take so long answering this. I was far and away this weekend. If you’d like to read “Alive,” without my obnoxious commentary you can do so here. xo

I’m (still) doing author commentary!

One day, I plan to love so loudly, my body abandons every demon harvesting me. — Arati Warrier, “Alive”

A/N: I didn’t mean for this to happen, but this fic turned into an exploration of trauma and anxiety. The Killian in this soon-to-be universe ended up being a war veteran with OCD and illogical, rampaging thoughts and I ended up choosing the poem after the fact.

It’s a tricky thing. Once you’ve known the taste of someone’s lips and found it to be a far more momentous occasion than you had initially anticipated. Beforehand, one might think you’ll only know it the one time, and the odds of it happening again are unlikely, so… you do it, aye? Curious. How do you not do it again? That’s the question, isn’t it? Especially if it was a little bit unexpected, let’s say—it had failed to show up on the calendar for the month of June, and now the rest of your life is totally fucked to hell.

It’s not possible that anyone else’s lips could throw such a wrench into his schedule. Not even much of one, to be fair. Working freelance as he did, odd hours and odd jobs, one unexpected, life-altering kiss does not a fucked up schedule make. If anything, there was an added flair to his rather mundane existence that hadn’t been there earlier. Spike the coffee, eat an egg, walk the dog, kiss your mate, do the shopping—and what was that last thing?

You: “What was the what thing?”

Your Brother: “Kiss your who?”

Doesn’t matter. Point is, when you’re talking to your brother about sharing an all too brief kiss with the bloke you once rode the bus with, you try and keep it casual. After all, Liam Jones has no reason to know that you’ve circled June the 5th in an expensive black ink that’s bled through the page—all the way through to August, in fact, when there’s supposed to be a boat trip scheduled for the whole lot of you, and you have to ask yourself, “How do you not do it again?”

A/N: I’m really excited, because I’m in the middle of writing a tiny prequel to this fic (quite by accident), and having the opportunity to provide commentary on this is super helpful. Anyway, a lot of the anxiety and OCD-esque thoughts seen here often show up in my own brain, which is why they show up here. Sometimes if my schedule gets disrupted, even a little bit, it’ll ruin the rest of the week or the month or the year or whatever, so I ended up relying on the whole “schedule” thing a few times. Making it vaguely humorous is the only way to deal, hence, Killian treating his own coping strategies as objectively silly is a common enough mechanism.

The answer to that question is that you bloody well don’t. You keep that tongue of yours firmly ensconced inside your own mouth unless you’re shouting down bar maids or showing up your know-it-all brother at trivia night. You manage to live your life for a whole two months without screwing anything up. Well done, you.

You manage to abide by the calendar you’ve kept since naval training—the calendar that, for all intents and purposes, saved your life once upon a time. Being the roughed up, dramatic younger brother had its perks, but in the end, rampant alcoholism, a suspicious rash, and a series of exceptionally burned bridges had taught him the benefits of following a careful schedule. It hasn’t managed to buff out all the sharp corners; rum tastes too sweet and his memory is a little too good, but no price is too high when you’re trying to avoid the odd skin allergy. Which is what it was.

Regardless, August arrives and it’s hotter than the East Coast has any right to be. He’s quite confident in his assertions that even Afghanistan wasn’t this hot, and considering the fact that Afghanistan was actually hell, he’s not sure what to make of the temper tantrum that the state of Maine seems to be currently throwing.

“Just last week you were complaining about how cold it was,” comes David’s muffled voice from below deck, “enjoy it.”

David Nolan is of an optimism so profound it’s certain not to be believed. The man has thought exceedingly well of almost everyone and everything in their lives since they were children, which, to Killian’s mind, can only end badly. He’s not written it down, but it has been inscribed within the gelatinous valleys of his brain somewhere, this unspoken responsibility—don’t let it ruin him. Having people like David Nolan in the world is a very important thing, and the only way to keep them around is to have people like Killian picking up the pessimistic slack.

A/N: Killian as a black sheep has become a common trope in a lot of my OUAT fic where he makes an appearance. I love his brash selfishness in contrast with the “Charming” family’s own tendency to be selfless. I love that he probably sees it as his responsibility to use his darker impulses to help those people who have managed to retain their own lighter impulses. God. I love him so much.

“It’s my boat, mate,” Killian shouts down the hatch, “I’ll complain where I like.”

On the side of his monthly calendars there’s a designated “Notes” section, set aside for various odds and ends. He’s been known to put some poetry there on occasion, either verses he’s written or found, a phone number or two, an exceptional cocktail, what have you. For the month of August there’s a sailboat at the top (nothing too fancy), followed by wave, after wave, after wave, and then, down at the bottom, there’s a capsized sailboat. Hence, pessimism.

The heat is physically uncomfortable, to be sure, but it’s also demanding. For example, it demands that two men working on a boat out in the hot sun remove some of their clothing in order to avoid fainting or otherwise feeling ill in such unreasonable weather. This, however, requires him to confront the somewhat uncomfortable question of how he avoids doing the thing he had done only the once—with no intention of repeating said thing. His calendar said so.

A/N: @phiralovesloki loves “His calendar said so,” and I love her because she loves it so much. It’s like an endless cycle of love.

David Nolan in a t-shirt is not unlike David Nolan wearing nothing at all. If anything, it might be worse. Without the shirt, it’s almost as if he’s existing in a moment of unreality, wherein there’s nothing especially remarkable about that chest over there other than the fact that it is one. He’s got one of those too—if anything, his is better, covered in a masculine dusting of hair as it is. David’s white t-shirt looks like it’s been run through the wash a couple hundred times. There are barely-there tears at the sleeves and around the collar. Today it is stained with sweat beneath his arms and lower back.

A/N: Josh and Colin are two of the most aesthetically pleasing humans I have been #blessed to witness. I know this seems kind of like a female Gaze moment, but whatever, we deserve it. Women get “Gazed” at everyday of our lives, so it’s only fair that I write a poetical fanfiction wherein I get to think about two handsome men on a boat in tight, ratty t-shirts. Leave me alone.

The heat is overwhelming, like the desert, only there’s a wetness in the air that makes it harder to breathe. For a moment, he misses the feeling of having a gun in his hand so he grabs a beer from the cooler and holds it against his neck, his pulse tapping against the glass like machine gun fire. Interrupt.

A/N: To use the word “interrupt” in the middle of obsessive thoughts is something my therapist taught me. The more you know.

“You see those clouds?”

David’s voice is soft at his side, his own mouth wrapped around the lip of a bottle and he has to say that no, he hadn’t even noticed. The poorly drawn “ship” sailing on the pages of his calendar starts to sink in the wake of poor weather and his heart aches—keeps beating quickly in his chest and he knows a panic attack when he feels one. Inconvenient things, they seem to be.

“Killian,” David says, apparently for the second time, and he puts a hand on his shoulder. Definitely not in the calendar.

Killian doesn’t much feel like answering. Killian wants to write about the sky in his notebook. Not any sky, mind you. This sky, because it’s somewhat of a nightmare to behold. Even with the boat tied to the dock and the sight of safe, dry land in the distance, the sky at this moment is a wild thing. Moments ago, the air smelled like salt and bubbling yeast. The sun was a large, imposing spotlight on the deck of his ship, making the wood warm, their skin sweat.

In June the air smells like earth. Certain parts of the farm are freshly turned at this time of year, and no matter where you go, it emanates over the property. Through the fields, over the lake, between the trees. Over hill, over dale, point made. June is new. They are, the both of them, new. When Killian kisses David, it’s because he can no longer bear it.

“The wanting.” Answering the question, what was it he could no longer bear? Because he was starving in his little house by the sea full of dry, winter air that had given him nosebleeds. It was probably all that dirt in the air—all those trees in bloom. All that pollen in his hair, the perpetually dirty state of his hands.

The answer is a little bit dramatic, but David seems to take it in stride, either because he’s known Killian for most of his life, or maybe because he understands, either way, he smiles. When David smiles it’s a thing you don’t need to see, and sure, you should, of course you should, but Killian is exceedingly grateful that in this moment, he doesn’t need to open his eyes.

A/N: When Josh Dallas smiles it is literally like looking into the sun. That’s what this is about.

It’s his gut that’s empty, not his gaze. He is, quite frankly, sick of opening his eyes. All he needs to do is feel it, and he knows that his friend “wants” too—just as frantically, as hungrily, as poetically. He plays the follow-up question in his head on a tortuous loop the next few days. He even writes it down so he can stare at the shape of the letters and hate himself even more than he already does.

“How is it you smell like that?”

Because it is something… indescribable. He can wax poetic on the state of the air in June all he likes, he has words on words on words to describe it, but all of a sudden, the smell of this man is the scent of which he cannot seem to describe. And he answers, “Like what?” and Killian can only answer with his mouth against his, because it’s not about the words suddenly—it’s about the breath. It’s about David’s forehead against his, their lips barely touching, and he answers with a kiss because he’s a fucking idiot.

August doesn’t smell new. It smells tired. Or maybe he’s just tired. Either way, the bright, overbearing sun is lost behind a sky of heavy, dark clouds and the man at his shoulder smells like beer and sweat. Like the moth-eaten blankets he had kept below deck all winter. The trees are gone but he can still feel the bark against the skin of his back.

“We’ve got to tie the lot of this down,” he answers suddenly. He had wanted to avoid the inevitability of turning around to face him, the tree at his back—with that concerned look on his face. Killian smiles, but it’s not like David’s in June. You’d have to see it, or you wouldn’t even know it was there. “She’ll be fine tied to the dock, but I don’t want to lose any of this gear.”

He’d savor the refreshing feeling of the breeze if there were any time for it, but they seem to have run out of it, and thankfully for him, David seems to have adopted a similar sense of urgency. Moving around deck as he is, his hands wrapped deftly around thick rope, one knot after another. The thunder continues on in the distance, unperturbed, and there’s a flash of lightening that leaves an echo across a purple sky.

There’s another crack followed by a second flash, and the sky opens. Despite the maddening anxiety he has contended with all day, there is something undeniably satisfying about knowing he was right about the “shirt on being worse” thing. David pauses in his run about the deck to enjoy the torrent of rain that’s been unleashed on the two of them, a loud yell of relief passing his lips, and Killian wonders what they taste like in August. At sea, in a storm—like salt? Like rain? Like the beer they’d been drinking earlier. Like dirt, like himself, lingering on his tongue for months.

When David dashes across the deck, clothes clinging to his form, every muscle carved beneath wet fabric as if he were a statue, Killian is busy trying to forget about the sinking ship in his calendar. He’s trying to remember what it was his therapist had said about “being in the moment,” and suddenly David’s lips don’t taste like June. They taste like August, in the rain. Wet and messy and just as hungry as before.

“Aren’t you sick of it,” David not quite shouts against his lips, the rain and wind lashing against the deck, “that ‘wanting?’” He’s smiling again, that wide, sunshine-smile that he has worn everyday of his life and Killian can see it out of the corner of his eye. In between the heavy, wet drops hanging from his lashes and the hair falling against his forehead—of course he can see it.

“Yes!” Killian shouts over yet another thunder clap, both of their faces turned towards a manic sky. “Bloody exhausted!”

A/N: For all my talk about Killian Jones being a black sheep he’s also a dramatic garbage human and someone needs to make fun of him sometimes. Re: David, calling out Killian’s Extra™ ass, mumbling about “wanting,” when it’s just a kiss and he needs to fucking relax.

The sound of the storm is softer below deck, as if it were a record playing in another room. The ship tugs on her moors but she’s steady, tied against the dock as she is. The only other sound is that of the air heaving in and out of their lungs, heavy with anticipation and adrenaline.

“You smell good too,” David admits between each, tired breath, “I’m sorry I made you wait.”

“Sometimes the waiting is the best part,” Killian answers gently, and there’s something in his tone, a note of understanding that he’s impressed to find he actually believes. “I’m good at waiting.”

As David moves closer he peels the wet t-shirt off his back and chuckles, shaking his head. “No, you’re really not.” The shirt falls with a decisive, wet splat against the ground, but Killian is too distracted by the return of David’s forehead, his hand against his neck. His fingernails are short and blunt against his skin, the scratch of an almost, but he feels his skin prickle all the same. Standing still in wet clothes, the warmth of the sun a fleeting memory, he knows he should feel cold but there’s this heat inside of him—flickering and alive.

A/N: Canon tells us that Killian Jones can wait, but does he do it well? idk about that. Dude turned Emma Swan into a ship for a year.

“If that’s the case,” he whispers, his own hands hovering at his sides, “what are you waiting for?”

The kiss is gentler this time, the shelter of the cabin urging slowness, carefulness. Here, they are beyond the reach of the whipping wind and stinging rain. The gaze of a seaside town, the towering pines. Their breath is softer, less like they’re running out of time, and there’s a drag between each pass of his lips. He feels as if he’s being savored and it’s not a thing that you deny yourself a second time.

“You should—” David’s voice is rough, like he hasn’t spoken in years and Killian’s pride does a little victory dance at the thought of its return, “You should change.”

Logically, Killian knows that David means “change clothes,” he knows this unequivocally. But he also has a tendency to err on the side of unnecessarily meaningful and he takes it to mean something else. Not in a negative way, he does not, by any means, feel that David wants him to be somebody else. This he also knows, unequivocally. What he also knows, what he has come to learn, is that his heart in its current state? It’s not sustainable. “You should change,” his heart speaks in David’s voice, “you need not want quite so much, when you can so easily have it.”

A/N: That was basically a long-winded way of saying that you should stop getting in your own way, which is usually my main problem.

He shivers at the sensation of cool air hitting his bare flesh, but there’s hardly a moment to feel uncomfortable. There’s David’s hand against the soft skin of his stomach, his fingers trailing through the fine hair beneath his belly button, and the warmth, it feels as if he’s slipping into a soaking tub. The rain continues it’s harsh pitter-pattering against the side of the boat as they move towards the small bed, clumsy step after clumsy step.

It smells like dust as they land, like the attic in the farmhouse, but the pile of blankets manages to catch them just fine. The cotton, washed one too many times, coming up to swallow their legs and shoulders, keeping them in a soft, dry place. He secures his own lips against David’s jaw, that sharp corner just beneath his ear and the moan that follows is more of a feeling than a sound—more of a sob than a gasp.

When he returns to his lips to catch yet another, quiet moan, it tastes even better than it had in June, then it had above deck moments earlier. Again, indescribable, and he feels a bit frustrated by the fact that words might fail him sometimes. After all, they do sit so well on his tongue, they feel manageable in a way that his thoughts don’t, that his heart doesn’t, and without them he worries that he’ll lose any sense of control he might have.

At some point the rain must stop, but it’s hard to notice, what with the hands and the lips and the feeling of his stomach as it moves against his own, in and out with every breath, sometimes quick and sometimes so slowly he’s worried that he’s holding it. At some point, in between the feeling of David’s lips against his rib cage and his hands at the button of his jeans, the sun very briefly returns before evening falls.

It’s his favorite time of day, those few moments before twilight. The rich, buttery light of the setting sun falls through the porthole over the bed, warming their entwined bodies atop the mussed blankets. The darkness behind Killian’s closed eyes turns a muted red color, and he can feel the warmth of the sun as it slowly sets against his skin, the fleeting light of day a gentle goodbye.

The water is calm against the boat, rocking them carefully back and forth, and his mind has never been quieter. The steady torture of a mind that refuses to settle, that must be shaken up and poured out over each and every month, everyday—that must be considered and thought over and applied and re-applied. Where no one means what they say, where he rarely means what he even says, but here, in this moment between sleeping and waking, it is blessedly silent.

He hears David mutter something against the back of his neck, and he knows, even without being able to see. He smiles.

A/N: I really hope that this fic was familiar to people who live with anxiety everyday, because it was certainly familiar to me as I was writing it. I know it’s also Captain Charming and CC is magical to be sure, but I still hope all the anxiety-related stuff was interesting for people.

#@hencethewriter #attn blogging #yayimallamaagain

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peacefulheartfarm · 5 years

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Cooking on the Hearth

This week’s topic brings back memories of days gone by and just might stir up the desire in you to cook over an open fire. Well perhaps not you. Maybe someone you know.

In any case, I thank you all for listening and hope you find this information useful. Thank you, thank you to all of you veteran homestead-loving regulars and welcome to all of you new listeners out there. Let me know what you’re interested in and I’ll see if I can come up with some compelling dialogue.

Today’s Show

Homestead Life Updates

Cooking on the Hearth

Mint Sauce (for Lamb Roast)

Homestead Life Updates

Cows

Our newest addition, Butter, had her calf. Butter is a purebred Jersey with certified A2A2 genetics. If you are not familiar with what that means, well that’s a podcast for another time. The health benefits of raw milk from cows with A2A2 genetics are substantial. We have four calves now—with 2 more still to come.

Sheep

Finally, the last ewe had her lambs. She has a lovely set of twins. That brings our total lambs this season to 9. All are alive and well. Only one issue. But Lambert is doing well on his bottle. Every morning and afternoon I go out and call “lambikins” and he comes running. As soon as he has finished his bottle, he turns around and trots back to his mom and 2 siblings.

Quail

The quail have hatched. We have 24 baby quail in a brooder right now. They peeped a lot when they first hatched, but now they are as quiet as church mice. I’ve spent lots of time just watching them run around pecking here and there. In three weeks’ time they will be fully feathered and ready to move to their quail condo. By 8 weeks, the hens will be laying eggs and I will start the process all over again until we have the number of birds we want for breeding stock. Our goal is to raise all of the eggs we eat. Eggs and coffee are the only items I currently buy from the grocery store. Soon to be only coffee.

Steers

We have 3 steers soon to be up for grabs. If you are interested in a ¼, ½ or whole steer, please get on the list quickly. The first one will go to processing in late June and will be available for pickup around mid-July. We are always limited in the amount of grass-fed beef that we have available. Again, please get on the list early.

Garden

The tomatoes are in the garden. It was a bigger job than I thought, but I persevered and got them all in the ground. The beans are up. I still need to plant the green beans. And just today we got the sweet potato slips. Once the beans and sweet potatoes go in, I will have planted that entire garden. Oops, I almost forgot. I need to plant the sunflowers between the tomatoes.

I’m amazed at how much I accomplished on my own with this garden. Sure, Scott did a lot of the heavy work with the mulch and initial fertilizer, but the rest was all me. I’ve never done that much on my own before. Diet and exercise is working wonders for me.

Creamery

Not much to report on the creamery this week. We’ve been tied up with other tasks and another week has slipped by with only a little progress. Life on the homestead is constantly filled with meaningful, fulfilling tasks. Scott really does have a lot on his plate right now. He’s doing a great job juggling all of his responsibilities. He is so awesome.

Cooking on the Hearth

In the Cooking Through the Ages FarmCast I finished up with a recipe for cooking cornbread on the hearth. There have been so many questions about hearthside cooking, I decided to do an episode on the techniques and knowledge that our great-great-great-great grandmothers used to cook meals for their families. When the United States was founded, all cooking was done over a fire. Most often it was done in the fireplace of the home.

Knowledge of fire-building was a part of everyday life. There were specific tools and implements that assisted in the cooking process. I’ll talk about those as well.

Today we see a fireplace is a charming optional feature for a home. In yesterday’s world a fireplace was absolutely essential to living and the virtual center of family life. It was the primary heat source, was a major source of light, and provided the means by which all food was prepared.

We have a wood stove and perhaps you do too. Once the match was invented, fire building became pretty easy. We merely crumble up some newspaper, lay on some wood, then strike the match. Before this modern convenience, coals had to be carefully banked at night to ensure a ready fire was easily built for the next day’s meals. A “cold fire” meant using flint and steel to strike sparks in extremely flammable tinder, skillful application of air and carefully feeding small twigs, then larger and larger sticks into the flame.

Fire Safety

Another convenience of today that we may take for granted is our screened fireplaces. Together with normal precautions, fire hazards from sparks and coals hitting the floor are reduced to nearly nothing. In the past, the fear of fire meant constant vigilance. A coal of fire accidentally falling on the floor causing a fire was not uncommon in the days of large fireplaces with steadily burning fires and no protective screening. In fact, hearth injuries were second only to childbearing as the leading cause of death in women.

Certain safeguards made the difference between a pleasurable, rewarding cooking and heating experience and possible tragedy.

Some things kept on hand included having a bucket of water nearby and a woolen blanket that could smother flames. Long skirts would be tucked up and out of the way when working at the fire. Women often checked the lower hem of their skirts for smoldering cloth if their dress was dragged across live coals. Have you noticed how women wore hats in the past. Their hair was covered and no bare feet were to be found near the fire.

Carefully thought out steps also guarded against accidents. The immediate area needed to be kept clear when moving hot coals. Heavy iron pots filled with simmering liquid or food were not easy to handle. Extreme care was taken in removing them from the crane or lifting them from the coals. Frying foods and roasting meats require care to avoid burns from splattering fat. Staying continually alert was the best protection against mishaps.

Building a Fire

Everyone has his or her own theory for “correct” fire building. Here is a relatively simple method that has worked quite well for us. Sometimes we have to start with a clean fireplace. However, old ashes provide insulation and helps to maintain heat. We usually crumple several sheets of newspaper on top of the existing ashes for kindling. In the 18th century scrapwood, bark or small and dry branches would be used in lieu of paper. Next, we lay the wood on the kindling in a grid pattern, starting with soft kindling wood such as pine. On top of the kindling, we lay a mixture of hardwood and softwood in slightly larger pieces. Next follows another layer of hardwood. At that point, we would simply use a lighter to make a flame on the end of a very small piece of pine kindling and light the newspaper at the rear of the fire. Starting the fire at the rear allows the fire to start warming the chimney. After the fire is well-established, we add large pieces of wood to keep the flames burning steadily. Hardwoods for this purpose include oak and hickory. Cedar has a tendency to “pop”, creating a possible fire hazard without the door on our stove or the fire screens I mentioned earlier. So no cedar in an open hearth. You can use fruit woods, such as apple and cherry, to provide a tantalizing aroma and impart a delicious flavor to roasting meats.

Cooking on the Hearth

The fire should be started well before actual cooking begins. You might think that Hearthside cooking is all done directly over a fire. Not true. Though flames are necessary for roasting and cooking on a crane (I’ll talk more about the tools next), the quantity of coals is more important. It will be at least two hours of preparatory fire burning before a large amount of coals is ready to be raked or shoveled into individual mounds on the hearth. Moving the coals around and piling them creates cooking areas something like the burners on your modern stove. Most hearth cooking—baking, frying, simmering—was done over glowing embers. The need for a steady supply of embers necessitates a continuously burning fire.

Equipping a Fireplace Hearth for Cooking

If this topic of Hearthside cooking is of interest to you as a hobby, there are tools are available still available for purchase. Artisans are producing ironwork, pottery, woodenware and tin-ware for reasonable prices. With a few basic implements, any fireplace can be made ready for cooking. The following are essential for open hearth food prep:

A swinging crane

Pot hangers—S-hooks, trammel, ratchets

Dutch ovens—a minimum of two

Long handled tools including spoons, ladle, meat fork, and spatula

Trivets

An iron pot

Poker, tongs, and shovel

The crane

The swinging crane, a hinged device bolted into the side of the fireplace, was a major development in kitchen furnishings. Prior to the crane, the lug pole was used. It was a fixed device suspended across the upper portion of the fireplace and fitted into the brick itself. To use the fixed lug pole you had to step on the hearth and leaning into the fireplace to suspend or remove those heavy iron pots filled with food or water. At best, this was dangerous. The swinging crane brought new flexibility and safety since it could be swung out and away from the fire for use.

Pots Hangers

Pots were suspended from the crane by a variety of hangers. The simplest is the S-hook, which can be linked together with others to raise or lower a pot over the flames and thus regulate the amount of heat for cooking. I use a version of this to raise and lower the height of the lights over my plant seedlings.

Other pot hangers included the trammel, basically a flat hanger with the hook and eye arrangement. The eye goes over the crane and there is a hook for the pot handle. The trammel is too long and cumbersome for modern fireplaces, but they were very important for the large fireplaces found in the days of colonial America.

Dutch Ovens

A Dutch oven is probably the single most important item for Hearthside cooking. It can be used to bake bread and desserts. You can use it to stew meats and vegetables or to brown foods. Standing on three short legs, the Dutch oven would be placed on a bed of coals and its contents would be covered with a tightfitting lid. Additional coals are then shoveled on top. Voila! An oven is created. The coals are replenished as needed. Generally, cooking times are equal to those given in modern recipes. With this most important piece of equipment, anything done in a modern oven can be duplicated on the hearth.

Long Handled Tools

A variety of long handled tools are needed for stirring, mixing, turning, basting, skimming, and labeling. Made of iron or wood, they include spatulas, meat forks, spoons, strainers, and ladles. You can find these today for use with outdoor grills.

Trivets

Trivets refers to a tripod used to elevate pots from the coals of an open fire. In fireplace cooking they were used to hold pots and kettles for cooking over the coals and for keeping already prepared foods warm.

Iron Pot

An iron pot, hung on the crane, is indispensable for soups, stews, and boiled puddings. Usually equipped with legs, the pot is also useful for simmering directly over the coals.

Tongs, Poker, Shovel

The same equipment used for our woodstove—tongs, poker, and shovel—are also needed and for the same purpose as times past. They are used to manipulate the wood and coals.

Additional Utensils

Hearthside tools could be supplemented with an endless array of additional utensils, especially those for roasting.

For roasting meats and fowl, a pair of andirons or firedogs, fitted with hooks to hold an iron spit, is one such accessory. Food to be cooked is skewered on the spit and then suspended between the firedogs. The simplest of these spits has a handle at one end. The meat is turned on the spit for even roasting.

A necessary adjunct to roasting is a dripping pan, generally made of iron. It is placed underneath the roasting meat to catch its juices. The juices are then used for basting and later used to make gravy.

A long handled frying pan is another helpful utensil for open hearth cooking. Set on a trivet or made with three legs to stand over the coals, the frying pan is helpful for frying or sautéing.

A griddle for baking over the fire is another useful kitchen utensil used to bake a variety of muffins, buns, and pancakes. Its handle is secured to the crane by a pot hanger. Also needed for baking are pie and cake tins and tart and biscuit pans.

We’ve come a long way baby. It’s still fun to use some of these traditional techniques. They are applicable on your camping trips or backyard firepits as well.

A colonial meal would be composed of foods dictated by the season and the weather. In a future podcast I’ll talk about the traditional seasonal cuisine of Virginia.

Eliza Leslie’s Mint Sauce Recipe

We have lots of lamb. Cruise on over to our website www.peacefulheartFarm.com, and place in order. Then stop by the farm on Tuesday mornings between 10 and 12 or Saturday afternoons between three and five and pick it up. And to go with that lamb you might want to try making this wonderful mint sauce.

This is Eliza Leslie’s mint sauce recipe in its original form.

Take a large bunch of fine fresh green mint, that has been washed well. Strip the leaves from the stems, and mince them well. Put it into a pint bowl, and mix with it gradually some of the best cider vinegar. This sauce must not be the least liquid, but as thick as horseradish sauce or thicker. Make it very sweet, with the best brown sugar. Mix it well, and transfer to a small tureen, or a little deep dish with a teaspoon in it. Serve it up always with roast lamb, putting a teaspoonful on the rim of your plate.

A quart or more of mint sauce, made as above, but with a larger portion of sugar and vinegar, will keep very well for several weeks, in a jar well corked.

As I’ve said before, early recipes can really only be followed by the best of cooks. Here’s what the recipe looks like in our modern lingo.

Makes approximately 1 cup

1/2 cup cider vinegar

1 tablespoon brown sugar (or more to taste)

1/3 cup minced fresh mint leaves

Hearth:

Combine vinegar and brown sugar in small saucepan. Set on trivet over hot coals and heat until warm.

Remove from heat and add mint leaves. Stir well and set aside to cool.

Pour into sauce boat and serve as accompaniment to roast lamb.

Modern:

Follow hearth direction 1, heating vinegar and sugar over low heat.

Complete following hearth directions 2 and 3.

Final Thoughts

I hope you enjoyed this week’s traditional hearth cooking topic. The mint sauce recipe is available FREE for download at www.peacefulheartFarm.com/category/recipes/. You’ll find all of my other recipes there as well. And again, don’t forget to pop over to the online farm store to make your lamb purchase to go with that mint sauce.

Speaking of lambs, we have been extremely blessed this season with nine healthy lambs. It doesn’t always happen that way and we are grateful.

Remember to get on the list for purchasing ¼, ½ or whole beeves.

As we get ramped up for our herd share program, we will be busier than ever. But we’re never too busy to listen to your input. Stop by website and leave us your feedback. We’d loving your ideas.

If you enjoyed this podcast, please hop over to Apple Podcasts and give me a 5-star rating and review. Also, please share it with any friends or family who might be interested in this type of content.

As always, I’m here to help you “taste the traditional touch.”

Thank you so much for stopping by the homestead and until next time, may God fill your life with grace and peace.

Recipe Link

Eliza Leslie’s Mint Sauce

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live4yahushua-blog · 6 years

Text

Amightywind prophecy #118

Prophecy 118

Beware, The Great Tribulation Is A Breath Away!

Written/Spoken under the anointing of the RUACH ha KODESH

through Apostle Elisabeth Sherrie Elijah (Elisheva Eliyahu)

Received February 19, 2010

Released June 27, 2010

This is from Prophecy 105, YAHUVEH said to put this up on all Prophecies from now on: I warned you a long time ago Elisabeth (Elisheva) not to name this Ministry after a man or a woman even before there was a Ministry. I put it in your spirit for none of this has been done by your hand, none of this has come forth from your mouth. It is from the Mouth of YAHUVEH that has given birth. It is from the Mouth of YAHUSHUA your MASHIACH that has given birth. It is from the Mouth of the RUACH ha KODESH your IMMAYAH that has given birth. If it had only been by your hand it would have failed long ago. It is by the SHKHINYAH GLORY’S Wind that blows across this earth, the Holy Wind of Revival, it is not by your breath or it would have failed. (Isaiah 42:8)

In July 2010 YAHUVEH GOD also said to add the following from 2nd Chronicles before every Prophecy:

2 Chronicles 36:16, “But they mocked the Messengers of GOD, despised HIS Words, and scoffed at HIS Prophets, until the wrath of the LORD arose against HIS people, till there was no remedy.”

* * * * * * *

[For those translating this Prophecy into a different language the word Judas’ is pronounced Judases in English.]

Prophetic Word Begins:

[Elisabeth(Elisheva) starts praying in Holy Tongues]

“Enough is enough! Judas was only allowed to walk among the Apostles for so long! He, too, could no longer play the game of a pretender for there are believers and there are followers.

It is not enough to say, ‘I believe in YAHUSHUA/JESUS. I believe that there is a GOD in Heaven called YAHUVEH/YAHWEH. I believe there is a HOLY SPIRIT, the RUACH ha KODESH.’ The question is, do you follow US? It is not enough just to believe!

I am exposing the hidden Judas’. I am exposing those calling themselves Christians and are not! I am exposing who the bride of satan is! Counterfeits are all around you. They battle MY true Bride! The Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH is in a war against the bride of satan!

You want to know who your most deadly enemy is? It is not the heathen who refuse to acknowledge MY Name. It is the Church of the Pretenders!

On this day as it is shouted to the world is this someone you would believe when one named Elton John has raised up and proclaimed to all, ‘I think JESUS was a compassionate, super intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross HE forgave the people who crucified HIM and JESUS wants us to be loving and forgiving. I don’t know what makes people so cruel because the Bible says JESUS was without sin so that rules out homosexuality, so it cannot be a sin.’ So says Elton John.

But I YAHUVEH have had enough! This man, Elton John, dares to speak forth MY Holy Words and twist them! And say that JESUS CHRIST of the Gospels is gay?!

World, for this abomination you shall drink of the Boiling Black Blood Plague! Get ready world! I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, speak forth, I have had enough!!!

This disease has been incubating in those who are homosexuals and lesbians, this disease has been waiting for MY timing to come forth. You who make excuses for the homosexuals, I’ve given you time to repent…

I’ll not tell you the day, I’ll not tell you the month, I’ll not even tell you the year this disease will physically manifest, but I’ll tell you this now, the Boiling Black Blood Plague has reached the White House, I tell you none shall escape!

How dare anyone say, that which I have proclaimed in MY Holy Word is an abomination, now you dare say MY only Begotten SON YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH, the perfect slain Lamb without a spot, without a blemish of sin, partook of an abomination called homosexuality, a mockery of what I created when I created Adam and Eve.

The Judas’ are exposed before your very eyes, yes, those who quote Scripture and yet lead so many astray for they don’t even follow the words of Scripture. Woe be unto the Judas’ who say, ‘Do not believe the Bible. Do not believe the Holy Scriptures. Throw away the Torah, it is just written by mere man. Tear out this Scripture. Tear out this page. Tear out this chapter.’ I’ll tell you what I’ll tear out, what I’ve torn out, what I blotted out, it is your names in the LAMB’S Book of Life!

I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, say, I’ve had enough, the battle has been raging for so long. Did I not say, ‘In these days before the time of Jacob’s Trouble, the Great Tribulation, the Holy would become more Holy and the unholy more unholy.’ (Prophecy 90, “What is the Name of the RUACH ha KODESH?”)

Now they dare call themselves ‘Christians’. They say, ‘Don’t worry about sinning. I guarantee you Heaven anyway.’

And now this reprobate, reprehensible man of lawlessness and of the antichrist spirit, Elton John, tries to reassure all in the homosexual community and those who dare call themselves Christians, ‘Don’t worry. JESUS CHRIST was one of you. Homosexuality can’t possibly be a sin for you see Jesus Christ was sinless.’ And yet they speak of ME and don’t even know the Holiness of MY Son YAHUSHUA, and they speak of MY Holy Scriptures and yet serve satan with all that is in them.

Do you know MY Little Ones, MY Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH, I trust you. I allow Judas’ to come into your very midst, just as Judas Iscariot was allowed in the midst. Do you not understand, he also had his followers, but I tell you this, as I told you a long time ago Elisabeth [Elisheva], woe be unto the Judas’ who would seek to join this Ministry. They started out drinking the milk and eating the spiritual meat and then they betrayed all that they knew was Holy. So I forbid you to weep over a Judas, for I do not!

The Judas’ that betray you here on this earth betray all MY Holy Bride, even those dwelling amongst their own household. How many have Judas’ in their own household? How many are in unequally yoked households, even those that call themselves MINE? They (the Judases) betrayed long ago in the war with Lucifer in Heaven. Do you think I am surprised? Do I not say that I allow the wheat and the tares to grow together? (Matt. 13:30) Now I have shown you the tares this day and I tell you this, I told you to warn the world it is a breath away from the Time of Jacob’s Trouble, the Great Tribulation.

My Beloved Son (Amightywind Youth Minister), you’ve done a teaching exposing the lies of the devil in regards to the catching away called the Rapture, and how few want to know the Truth. The Church of the Pretenders would rather believe the lies, ‘live any way they want, sin any way they want, it’s just enough to make others be convinced you are a Christian, you don’t really have to follow what you write, what you speak, you don’t have to be an example of who YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH is, it’s just enough to pretend. It’s just enough to say, ‘Jesus bless you.”

Woe be unto these Judas’ who lead MY Sheep and Lambs astray, but you see MY Sheep and Lambs names are written in the LAMB’S Book of Life and they will return again to the GOOD SHEPHERD YAHUSHUA. It may take suffering through the fires of persecution with untold agony in the Time of Jacob’s Trouble, that which you call the Great Tribulation, but MY Sheep and Lambs shall return to ME even if it’s with their last breath. Their faith will get hot through the fire of persecution.

Beware to those who are lukewarm, I have sent this Ministry to speak forth MY Words to warn you. I anoint MY Prophet to speak forth MY Words and because she is not a man with a long grey beard, you want to dismiss her. You say, ‘GOD can’t possibly speak out of the mouth of this mere woman.’ You don’t want to hear. You show your foolishness. You show what itching ears you have.

The real reason you hate this Ministry is because of the conviction. You don’t want to be told that lukewarm Christians will go to hell and are no Christians at all and that you are doing wrong when you don’t obey the 10 Commandments. You just want to say, ‘JESUS CHRIST paid the price for me at Calvary.’

Yes, YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH paid the price for you at Calvary, but what price have you paid for HIM? Is it too much really to ask you to obey? When you are truly born again and filled with the RUACH ha KODESH/HOLY SPIRIT you no longer have an excuse to sin for you have the RUACH ha KODESH within that convicts you when you sin. You will truly desire to obey I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, with every Word I say.

Oh so many say the Salvation Prayer boast and say, ‘I believe in Jesus,’ but how few follow what they claim to believe? You hate any Ministry or any person that convicts you of your sins.

Lightness and darkness cannot go together. (2 Cor. 6:14) With MY own hand MY Word had spoken it forth. YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH came with a dividing sword. (Mt. 10:34) With MY own Words it has been spoken forth and what is your response?

Those who do not want to give up your unequally yoked households, so they will not betray you in the Great Tribulation, your response is, ‘Brand her a false prophet. Rip those Words out of the Bible. Ignore them. Blot them out.’ That’s your answer. ‘Lead others astray.’ Nothing has changed!

The same Spirit of a Pharisee that stone MY Holy Ones, YAHUSHUA’s Bride, they live their lives each day to be pleasing unto ME, they don’t claim to be perfect and when they accidently offend ME, they quickly repent with tears in their eyes and they say, ‘Oh please help me not to do this sin again.’ There are many kinds of sin, even this Prophet that I speak forth this Message now, struggles with the sin of procrastination. How many of you stumble on this one? You know what to do, but you do it in your time. Oh you know what I want you to do and I’m not speaking of the Ten Commandments now. It can be something so small, but you don’t do it. There are many kinds of sin.

No one is perfect, everyone is a work in progress but I tell you this, when it’s time to come get YAHUSHUA’s Bride it will be when your heavenly grades are at the highest level, when each day you strive to obey ME in every way, when you make your bodies living sacrifices, when you know the first Torah Law, (1st Commandment – Thou shalt have no other Gods before ME) and not for the sake of a spouse or loved one will you break it even if it means the end of your marriage. You realize nobody comes before YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, YAHUSHUA and the RUACH ha KODESH.

The strongest and most blessed marriages will be those that keep the First Commandment and both of them will be ‘out of balance’ in their love and obedience for YAHUSHUA, they will both love YAHUSHUA more than each other or anyone else. YAHUSHUA is the Lover of their life, soul and spirit and when I speak of ‘out of balance’ isn’t that what it should be when you love YAHUSHUA above all else? You are on this earth for such a short time. This is just one breath in your life. We are talking about eternity in Heaven.

Oh Beloved Bride of MINE, Beloved Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH, listen to ME, let nothing be more important than the ONE who causes your heart to beat, the ONE who breathes life through you. Oh Beloved One, no one can love you like I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, do. Does the one that you call your loved one, your spouse, know the number of hairs on your head? (YAHUVEH/YAHWEH is weeping through Elisabeth [Elisheva] as HE said this, when HE spoke of how much HE loves HIS Bride.) Do not allow I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH and YAHUSHUA to become last on your lips.

Oh, you lukewarm puke Christians, the ones YAHUSHUA will spew forth as vomit out of HIS mouth, this is why your love has waxed cold. You put so many other loves before US, your worldly lust, fleshly desires, above US, yes, even those that call themselves MINE and dare to call yourself Christians! And you wonder why you no longer can discern the Truth from the lies, but you stone the Holy and this Ministry speaking forth just as surely as Stephen was stoned. (Acts 7:59) I speak to the puke lukewarm Christians, you do not have to remain puke and vomit! It is your choice!

I sent this Ministry and other Ministries and individuals who are part of the Holy Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH to warn you! I sent this Elijah of New [in Hebrew, Eliyahu] and I don’t care whether you like to hear this or not, but I used MY Elijah of New [in Hebrew, Eliyahu] to birth this Ministry forth and that started in America and is now all over the world, to warn, rebuke, and encourage. I not only speak forth blessings but I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, speak forth curses. Enough is enough! I will not apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah!

This world has become a Sodom and Gomorrah in MY eyes. Shame on you! Shame on you who do not defend the Holy Ones who speak forth these warnings!

So, MY Beloved Ones, this day I exposed a Judas. The fate of a Judas is death and Hell. You will see Judas’ come and go. Woe be unto those that follow the Judas’ for yours shall be the same fate! Woe be unto anyone that says taking communion in remembrance of what MY SON YAHUSHUA paid, giving HIS Body and Blood for their sins, is cannibalism or vampirism! Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! This is blasphemy, and the ultimate mockery of YAHUSHUA’s sacrifice.

(We knew this person for approximately 3 years. This person was a faithful supporter and we considered this person part of YAHUSHUA’s family. This person went to a website on the internet that says taking communion is cannibalism and vampirism and the sad part is, this person believed this lie of the devil. So this Judas emailed many others and tried to get them to believe this lie, this person even tried to convince Elisabeth [Elisheva] of this lie. This person is now a Judas and shall have the same fate as Judas.)

Since when! Since when! When you pray that you become one with YAHUSHUA mind, body, spirit and soul and ask forgiveness of your sins and HIS Blood washes you clean, since when is this evil? Who would dare to say such a lie?! Who would dare believe such a lie?! The RUACH ha KODESH/HOLY SPIRIT is not within them! You have head knowledge and not heart knowledge. Communion is important，and is a weapon against the enemy.

To you who say, ‘Communion is not important’, YAHUSHUA’s last words as HE sat with HIS disciples were, ‘This is MY Body, do this in Remembrance of ME.’ ( Mt. 26:26-28, Mk.14:22-24, Lk. 22: 17-20, 1 Cor. 11: 22-30) Since when is that a sin!? Who but satan would say such a thing!? Who would dare say such a thing!? This is the ultimate insult for you have mocked MY SON’s Blood! You have called evil what I called perfect! This is the ultimate insult and then you liars try to lead MY Prophet astray that I speak forth from, and tell others this lie. Communion is the ultimate weapon against satan and you have called this communion evil, and that which I have spoken forth as good, you call it evil?

As surely as you have blasphemed not only YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH and not only I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, who sent MY only SON to give HIS body and Blood for you, you have insulted the RUACH ha KODESH. You have blasphemed all THREE! I told you. I warned you, ‘Beware of the time that evil is spoken of as good and good is spoken of as evil.’ (Is. 5:20)

I always send forth MY Prophets to speak MY Words. The Holy Scriptures were not spoken forth by man. It is no different than ME speaking forth out of this vessel of clay’s mouth now. It is I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, that put those Words in them to write. The pure Words were corrupted by various transcribers, and translators.

I warn you, do not rely only on the King James Version of the Bible for King James burns in hell. He took out books and words which he didn’t want to include just as surely as they’re doing today and saying, ‘These Scriptures and Torah Laws apply no more. This does not line up with my idea of who God is. HE’s not supposed to curse. HE sent HIS only Begotten SON to pay the price at Calvary to suffer and die in my place, so now I can do anything I want, it doesn’t matter to GOD anymore. HE doesn’t care what I do because HE sent HIS only Begotten SON to pay the price. The Law was nailed on the cross, so I can do anything I want. The Forth Commandment I say, any day will do for the Sabbath, JESUS CHRIST, YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH, said HE is LORD of the Sabbath, it no longer matters because they threw away that day.’

Liars! Liars! Liars! Do you think I would waste MY time to take MY own finger and inscribe on a tablet of stone and give it to Moses and defend the Israelites and command them to honor ME on the Sabbath Day by resting?! By resting?! Not by working but by resting?! Liars!

You who claim that you are Christian and put up these videos about why Christians, ‘no longer have to worry about the Sabbath, it doesn’t matter what day, it doesn’t matter, the Roman Catholic Church has changed it.’

Liars! If you do not repent you shall find yourself in the Lake of Fire! I’m not going to play games! The Great Tribulation, the Time of Jacob’s Trouble, is almost upon you, the time of lamenting, weeping, of great suffering, more than this world has ever known!

What do you think keeps hell burning? The flames only grow hotter! It is I, YAHUVEH’s wrath, rage and fury!

I want MY Bride home! I want YAHUSHUA’s Bride home! HIS Bride is MY Bride. I want them home.

I look upon this sewer called earth. Dung is everywhere and I see little sparkles in the dung of those who are the Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH and all the Holy, here and there. It is as though they are buried under the dung and oh how much dung. So much stench is in the feces in that which calls themselves the ‘Christian churches’! Judgment! Judgment! Judgment has come to that which you call the ‘House of the LORD’!!

When the Ichabod Christian churches stop preaching against sin such as abortion, fornication and same-sex marriages, when you allow sin behind the pulpit, when you let homosexuals preach behind the pulpits and brag about their sin, when you stopped rebuking the sinners, Ichabod was put on your doors and MY RUACH ha KODESH/HOLY SPIRIT was taken out of it! (1 Sam. 4:21)

You sing your songs and gather on Sunday and yet I am not there! Oh, some of MY People are there but MY true Presence, MY RUACH ha KODESH Anointing, it’s not welcomed there. You use your emotions and you get yourself all hyped up with songs but MY true Prophets are not allowed to speak.

WE are not allowed there. When I say, ‘WE’ I mean the very presence of YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, YAHUSHUA, and the RUACH ha KODESH. OUR presence is NOT there otherwise they would all fall on their faces!

They’ll repent for America but will they warn others of the sin they are in? It is a mockery. Do you want to know why the power of the Anointing, is not as the First Church? Look and behold what I see. The stench is more than I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, can bear.

The heathen look at these so called Christians and say, ‘There’s no difference between you and me’. Elton John says, ‘There’s no difference between you and me. I can rewrite the Scripture too. People say, ‘Throw out the Forth Commandment,’ so I can say, ‘JESUS CHRIST is gay,’ it’s no different.’

But you see, I raised up this Ministry who refuses to compromise with sin, the Aleph and Tav (Alpha & Omega) Almightywind (also called Amightywind) RUACH ha KODESH Wildfire Ministry!

MY Amightywind Ministry is a mighty rushing wind going through the world and satan cannot stop it! So he gets everyone focused on a mere woman (Elisabeth Elijah [Elisheva Eliyahu]).

Those who know and love her can tell the difference between her and when I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, speak forth. But it isn’t a mere woman speaking forth. I am YAHUVEH/YAHWEH and I tell you this Ministry is calling forth the true Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH to come forth because you need one another. All of you are being attacked. You are like a wounded animal licking your own wounds because you cannot trust anyone so I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, put this group together and I use this vessel speaking forth to birth it into the physical realm, I YAHUVEH had already birthed it in the Spiritual realm and it is the YAHUSHUA Demon Stompers (YDS, Holy Prayer Warriors).

You will see Judas’ come and go, it is their choice. I told you, ‘Not everyone is fit to be the Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH, only those that remain loyal to the end. You will know who the Bride is.

MY Darling Ones, I forbid you to weep another tear over another Judas! I forbid you to weep! Instead, look at all the Apostles and true followers of YAHUSHUA who refuse to conform with sin! The Church of the Pretenders refuse to put I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, YAHUSHUA and the precious RUACH ha KODESH first, and you are surrounded by the pretenders and they will have the fate of a Judas. It was already written down.

A Judas is the ultimate contamination. You see, this Judas did not want to keep this contamination (of telling this ministry and prophet that doing communion is of the devil like cannibalism and vampirism) like leprosy to themselves. They reached out to defile and contaminate the Holy Bride, YAHUSHUA’S Demon Stompers, even this Holy one speaking forth, to lead them to the anti-christ. The Judas’ will always do this. They do not want to keep the contamination to themselves. They want to share it, so weep no more for the Judas’.

This is a somber Message. Do you think YAHUSHUA took pleasure on the day HE exposed who Judas was? But you see Beloved Ones, I will only allow a Judas to stay hidden for so long.

Look around the world. Some have put their faith in their jobs. Some love their jobs more than I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH. Some put their faith in finances. They’re seeing their financial empires crumble before their eyes. Some put their faith in spouses and I am revealing things you’d rather not see. I am dividing and I will continue to divide anyone who contaminates MY Bride.

I test you, who do you love more, that heathen spouse? Those who claim they are equally yoked and yet when one of the spouses will say, ‘I must have more of your attention,’ who will you prove that you love more? So many that desire to be the Bride of YAHUSHUA are in these households? (Matt. 10:37, John 21:15-17)

I am testing. The trials of your faith are more precious than gold. (1 Pet. 1:6-7) This is your trial, who do you love more?

For those not married, you weep, mourn and say, ‘I must have a mate.’ Who do you love more? You do not know what you ask. That is why I said I will not join unequally yoked marriages in these End Times. You can make all the excuses you want. The marriages I join together, they equally love ME, work for ME, obey MY SPIRIT and not their flesh. Those who are not married and weep and mourn, you do not know the blessing I give you. You do not know what you ask. I repeat, this is why I said I will not join an unequally yoked marriage in these End Times. The marriages I join together are Holy. Those who are not married and weep and mourn, you do not know the blessing I give you. You do not have to be concerned pleasing anyone but I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH.

In the end none of MY Bride will be unequally yoked. I shall repeat, YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH will use the dividing sword and before this Bride is taken off of this earth, if they are unequally yoked, YAHUSHUA will divide. I will not allow MY Bride to be contaminated, it was only for a set time, for lightness and darkness cannot go together. This is a war, YAHUSHUA fights for HIS Bride, the enemy cannot win.

I put light with light and the light only becomes brighter. It is not a struggle together when you put YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, YAHUSHUA and the RUACH ha KODESH first in your life and your love.

Did I not warn, ‘Your worst enemies will be in your own households’? (Micah 7:6, Mt. 10:36) I warn again now, those who do not want to be divided, those who love their spouse more than I, YAHUVEH/YAHWEH, those that spit MY Word back in your face and brand you a false prophet Elisabeth [Elisheva], know this, these are not your Words, these are MY Words! And it is backed up in the Holy Scriptures! Remember Prophecy 111 – I, YAHUSHUA MASHIACH, Grant You A HOLY Divorce Decree, For Those Who Need It.

I had another prophet (Nehemiah, Neh. 13:23-30) literally curse and pull the men’s beards and slap them for being unequally yoked, so when the attacks come and yes, they will come, be as a Stephen, Holy Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH, keep your eyes not focused on the boulders that will hit you, keep your eyes focused on YAHUSHUA. They stone you but are really stoning YAHUSHUA/JESUS and yes, I dare to speak to those who dare call themselves ‘Christians’ but I, YAHUVEH call you Ichabod Christians.

(Neh. 13:25 and I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by GOD, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons or for yourself.

Neh. 13:27 Shall we then hearken unto you to do all this great evil, to transgress against our GOD in marrying strange wives?)

So I leave you with these Words. I told you, ‘Everything that can be shaken will be Shaken’. I remind you of this in Prophecy 105, “I, YAHUVEH, Say, ‘In 2009 I’m going to shake everything that can be shaken!‘”, I warned you ahead of time what 2010 will be like in Prophecy 116, “You Must Be Faith Water Walkers”.

I have spoken this day, your ABBA YAHUVEH/YAHWEH. The true Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH who hears this Word will contact you, will validate this Word. They have heard MY voice. They will stand by your side, be loyal and defend. They will no longer care what men and women say. They will defend what they know to be true.

Know this also, this Prophecy only gives the enemies more reason to hate you, but this is nothing new. YAHUSHUA was and is hated. Can you expect anything less, for you are HIS reflection on this earth, the ones I call ‘YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH’s Bride’.

So it has been spoken this day on February 19, 2010, a Sabbath.’ 6:24 P.M. ended Spoken under the Anointing of the RUACH ha KODESH to Apostle Elisabeth Sherrie Elijah (Elisheva Eliyahu) Offending most, but I am a blessing to others, a Child. Warrior Bride of YAHUSHUA ha MASHIACH/JESUS CHRIST and no devil can take that away from me.

* * * * * * *Here is an article taken off the internet regarding what Elton John said.

Elton John claims Jesus was gay 19/02/2010 Elton John is facing a backlash from conservative Christian groups after stating in an interview that Jesus was a gay man. The 62-year-old music legend made his comments during an interview with US magazine Parade . In the interview, to be published in America tomorrow, Sir Elton said: “I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. “On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving. I don’t know what makes people so cruel. Try being a gay woman in the Middle East — you’re as good as dead.” Stephen Green, director of Christian Voice, described the gay claim as “rubbish”. He said: “The Bible says Jesus was without sin and that rules out homosexuality as sin” “This is a desperate cry for attention.” Mike Judge, of the Christian Institute, dismissed the star’s views, saying: “Had a senior political figure made these comments, I would have had an opinion. “But this is Elton John and I don’t think anybody takes him seriously.” Gay Christian groups acknowledged Sir Elton, who is often pictured wearing a crucifix, had reopened debate on homosexuality and the church. Jeremy Marks, founder and director of Courage, a Christian organisation for Gays and Lesbians, said: “None of us know and will never know what Jesus’s sexuality was. “Certainly people’s perceptions of relationships between men, and men and women, were different then and would be unrecognisable today. “I think he is explaining how he sees Jesus in his life and wants to encourage other people to see that too.” John Blowers, co-convener of the Evangelical Fellowship for Lesbian and Gay Christians, said: “What tends to happen on each occasion this debate is reopened is that the debate becomes more polarised. “The simple fact is that we are all God’s children.” Sir Elton’s comments were made in a wide ranging interview headlined, “There’s A Lot Of Hate In The World”. He told the magazine that, for him, fame had lost its appeal. “Princess Diana, Gianni Versace, John Lennon, Michael Jackson, all dead,” he said. “Two of them shot outside their houses. None of this would have happened if they hadn’t been famous. “Fame attracts lunatics. I never had a bodyguard, ever, until Gianni died. I don’t like celebrity anymore.” The musician also revealed how he and civil partner Mr Furnish keep their love strong. He said: “Every Saturday for 16 years, we’ve sent each other a card, no matter where we are in the world, to say how much we love each other. “We’ve never been jealous. We talk about the sexual side of things, things that normally would have frightened me before.” Sir Elton also spoke about his relationship with drugs, saying: “For some people a gram of cocaine can last a month. Not me. I have to do the lot, and then I want more. “At the end of the day, all it led to was heartache.”

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