#but also bc chat has genuinely been helpful for writing research!

[thelaurenshippen]

open ai made a little post about how they chose their chatbot voices and two things stood out to me:

a) I am genuinely pleased and surprised that the voices come from specific real people that they hired and paid, rather than being built off of all of the data open ai has scraped. the voice for siri did one job for one company 20 years ago and now she is literally everywhere without ever being compensated by apple or even acknowledged as the voice. there's simply no way she was paid enough in that original job. whereas, open ai says "each actor receives compensation above top-of-market rates, and this will continue for as long as their voices are used in our products." this could mean literally anything (what market rate are we going above? does continue mean they get residuals or get paid for doing more sessions?) but, christ, at least the actors are doing it with full knowledge of what their voices are being used for and can decide for themselves if the compensation is enough

b) the post talks about working with "award-winning casting directors" to get the voices. first of all, yay for paying casting directors! we love to see it. but they also say the CDs received over 400 submissions in a week and they state that like a big number and it's just...not at all. and look, without knowing the intricacies of the casting process, it's hard to know what approach the CDs took - it's very possible they were selective from the jump and 400 is a lot from the pool they were tapping. 400 would be a lot if you were going to the agencies directly and asking for names, but there's just no way in hell open ai went after big stars for this. so it would've been a pool of unknowns. in which case, 400 is laughably small. even if you're not using the big casting sites like actorsaccess, I've worked on projects with CDs and their own internal systems where we've gotten over 100 submissions for a single role. I've posted roles on casting sites and received literally thousands of submissions in just a few days

look, I have a very limited perspective on this - I am not a casting director (imo, one of the most important and undervalued jobs in hollywood) and I, in fact, hate the process of casting with a passion. but 400 just seemed like such a tiny pool to pull from and, idk, it heartens me! it's heartening to think that there's very little interest from actors and agents to be doing this kind of stuff. and absolutely no shade to the actors who did--I want actors to get their bag however they want as long as it's, like, safe sane and consensual, you know? but there's something encouraging about thinking that open ai hired some big casting agency to get their foot into the voice acting door and people didn't come running

[mdverse]

genuinely confuzzled at myself to why i let twenty-one days pass without asking a vbau question. md, i sincerely apologise. (/hj)

anyways. setting the scene, its early morning and outside the windows, rain is thundering against the concrete grounds and the brick walls. how do the gang spend the rainy day? - space :)

hi space welcome back i've missed u!! sorry this took so long, i was gonna treat this ask as a lil writing prompt and then i just. got busy and wasn't really able to do that bc brain is not in creative writing mode (but what else is new lmao)

i am going based off the assumption that the squad don't have any responsibilities for the day (work/practice etc)

finn would love to sleep in, but he is a dog owner and therefore ends up standing in the pouring rain outside his apartment building as his dogs do their business. after that he ends up baking and trying to brush up on his cupcake decorating skills (they are not good), most likely while on video call with either kurt or santana if they're free because he misses spending rainy days with them. he'd probably end the day messing around with the dogs, possibly gaming, or reading for a bit in bed

kurt takes his time getting up but still ends up getting out of bed pretty early bc of his urge to be productive somehow. i think he'd take the opportunity to deep clean the apartment? not that it's particularly dirty but sometimes u gotta, yknow? then he'd spend the evening watching tv with santana (i'm thinking drag race rn bc i have rpdr on the brain often these days but it could be anything)

santana sleeps in. she's probably woken up by clattering in the kitchen or in the bathroom as kurt cleans but she's able to just roll over with a lil grumble. when she does eventually get up, she helps kurt clean a bit, probably gives finn a call to chat and bully him (maybe while playing video games with him? not for long but she does miss doing that with him), and then settles in front of the tv with kurt for the rest of the evening

brittany has been saving a nasa lego set as well as some of their paper models for when she has some free time to just chill and build stuff so she dedicates part of her day to build one of them and listen to music. she also considers doing it on a livestream, actually, but decides against it this time. maybe she'd get inspired to work on her own little spacecraft/rover designs? who knows

sugar takes the opportunity to catch up on schoolwork. she ends up getting restless pretty quickly when she finishes, though so she'd probably end up binging youtube videos or wrangling britt into hanging out with her

quinn spends part of her day just reading. can't tell u what else she does tho bc it veers into spoiler territory so uhh [redacted]

tina also has schoolwork to do* so that's what most of her day gets spent on. once she gets in the zone, she's able to focus for a pretty long time. she might end up taking a break to stress-bake/cook but overall it's just a very study/research-heavy day for her. she would make sure to relax and spend some time on youtube or sth in the evening though

*i haven't actually decided whether tina would take a year off from college for vb or not, because i think it depends in part on whether she could get accommodations to do everything online or not? and also whether she would actually want to spend a year trying to balance studies with her vb schedule or not. so that's all up in the air rn. i suppose the same applies to sug but i think she'd be down to do that considering she's only a junior, as opposed to tina who is a senior and would most likely have a heavier load of schoolwork

[heyitsyn]

Prove Me Wrong

M!Reader x Oikawa

a/n: SDKLFJSLDKFJDLSKF OKAY I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I LAST UPDATED BUT I REALLY INVESTED MY TIME INTO RESEARCHING AND READING FANFICS WITH AN M!READER BC I REALLY DIDNT WANNA GET IT WRONG SO I APOLOGIZE IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG AND I HOPE THIS ANON LIKES IT!!!

anon:

-heres an interesting thought. what about flamboyant oikawa with a cold boyfriend😳😳

YEYYY I FINALLY UPDATED

LETS GET STARTED SHALL WE?

okayokayokay

so in the request above

this is a m!reader

meaning you will be male in this one so hehe yep the story starts now

you are,,,

distant

and cold

but its mainly just because you were,,,

too tired to actually put in the effort of socializing

between bouncing between part-time jobs to care for your siblings and to schoolwork and book club

the mans can only do so much

so you spend most of your time in school just trying to catch up on sleep bc youre too busy studying up all night for exams since yanno

✨gRaDuaATiOn✨

unfortunately for you, your class had the famous manwhore oikawa tooru

why is that a bad thing?

well, imagine just trying to get some shut eye and suddenly, you just hear a bunch of screaming girls and it gets louder the closer the guy approaches your classroom and when he opens it,

the screams become 10x bass boosted

then imagine that with your sensitive hearing

now,,

it does bother you but it wouldnt bother you as much if he told them to leave

BUT NOOOOOO

he decides to let them in and chat with them and flatter them and continue with that bs until the bell rings

even then,

the girls in your class cant help but keep giggling at him and he always whispers in that obnoxious voice and youre just like two seconds away from ripping his tongue out

now

you dont hate him

you just genuinely dislike his way of living

and the way he talks

and the way he acts

yea see?

no hate

theres a difference

then there was that one time that you got so fed up with it that when oikawa settled on his seat and the fangirls circled him like some cult

they started talking to him all at once trying to get his attention

so it was a garbled mess of sounds and you growled, burying your face deeper in your arms because you would snap really really soon

then one girl shrieked when oikawa smiled at her and then you really just let go of all bearings

your chair made a squeak as you shot up, palms slamming against the wooden desk and your eyes glaring straight at them

‘go back to the farm, ya squealing pigs’

DSKFJLSDFKJSDFKDJS SORRY I LOVE TSUMU

this made everyone silent-even the others in the class just minding their own business

they all knew you as the quiet kid who didnt really talk much but those who did were really scared at you and the way you talked to them with such a cold and monotonous voice that they started spreading rumors about you

even absurd ones like your eyes are so cold bc youve killed so many people that you have no life and empathy left

LIKE WHAT THE HECK YOU STRUGGLED TO GET A SPIDER OUT OF YOUR SISTERS ROOM THE OTHER DAY LIKE EXCUSE YOU

but apparently they were just,,, so scared of you that when you finally got done with them and bursted out, the girls started crying

YALL KNOW THE SAYING LIKE HELL HAS STARTED WHEN THE QUIET KID SNAPS

the females run out of the room scared and the others nervously looks at you

your eyes sweeped through the room and each one of them flinched when you made eye contact with them

YES ASSERT OUR DOMINANCE M/N

the only who didnt was oikawa tooru himself

your eyes landed on him and he still had that stupid smug look on his stupidly gorgeous face and you wanted to ki-WAIT NO SLAP it off of him

‘the hell you looking at?’

you grumbled at him and he just merely shook his head with a smile

‘you remind me a chihuahua, m/n-chan. so cute when its angry’

‘HAH?!’

now it isnt a surprise to hear oikawa tooru say that to a boy bc wowza the school loves him so much that hes a bi icon in seijoh and hes such a king like who cares?

but they were surprised to see you turn red, the tips of your ears to the base of your neck were all flushed

‘see? so cute, right, everyone?’

KSDFJLSDKJFS

THE NERVE OF THIS MAN

the class didnt say anything except just put their heads down bc as much as they wanted to agree with oikawa at how suddenly hot you looked, they were too scared that you might plummet their faces to the ground

maybe thats when everyone started noticing you more

again, you were very quiet, you didnt talk much, you just sat there and listened so obviously you didnt really stand out but then that outburst made you more noticeable

you started seeing girls in your class staring at you then blush and look away abashedly

then the guys in your class started greeting you, even people in the hallways

ngl the attention you suddenly got was overwhelming

especially when oikawa seemed to call out to you all the time now

as you were walking down the stairs, hed see you and he’d shout and wave to you

‘m/n-chan! hiii!!!!’

his loud voice would make everyone turn and look at you and you dont do well with public attention so you turn red and you glare at him

‘shut the hell up, idiot. and dont call me by my first name. we’re not friends’

you turned to walk in the classroom but you looked at him again after taking a few steps

there he was

smiling and giggling with those girls

all he does is smile and giggle and shit

its so damn fake that you cant believe everyone fell for it and the worst thing is oikawa’s doing it to get everyone’s acceptance and validication

it was pathetic and disgusting

poor oikawa :(

now on to baby flatttykawa side,

he was kinda hurt by that

like how the heck are you not friends when youve been going to high school for 3 years?

sure, its only been casual greetings and him waving at you when yall made eye contact

but its still something, right?

right?

when you walked back into the classroom, tooru cant help but feel down at the declaration of the lack of friendship you had

his form slouched and his eyes trailed down but the voice of some girl brought him back to where he was and to fix his attitude

‘oikawa-san? are you okay?’

the others muttered in concern with her but they were eased when he raised a peace sign with the signature smile 

‘yep! all good!’

GOD I REALLY CANT STAND IT WHEN HE USES A FACADE TO EVERYONE BUT LIKE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BC HES SUCH A STRONG CHARACTER THAT DOESNT BREAK AND HES SO INSECURE AND IT PAINS ME SO MUCH THAT HE FEELS THE NEED TO HIDE BEHIND A MASK EVERYDAY AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

truth be told,

oikawa has always noticed you

not only do you work at the one bakery with his milk bread but you also work at the convenience store that the team sometimes visits

then he also noticed you picking up your brother from the volleyball practice that takeru’s part of and he cant help but frown at the eyebags under your eyes that he always sees

he lies awake at night just thinking how you would look without those eyebags, without the sickly looking complexion, or even just the lack of life in your eyes

then during class, you sat by the window

tooru knows this bc his eyes always fixes itself on you whenever he opens that door and he has to hold in the need to hug you when he sees you sleeping on your desk

others might call you lazy

others might call you a video game all nighter kid

but they dont notice the things you do

the nervous habits hes seen from you at the times that tooru couldnt help but stare

he knew it was creepy to do it

but you were so silent

you blended yourself into the background and you made sure to stay there 

thats why nobody knows anything about you

with good looks like yours and a smart brain (he knew this from mattsun and makki being your students), why exactly were you not known?

maybe thats why it drew you to him

all his life he chased, 

but now hes the one chasing?

tooru knows that your left eyebrow lifts when sensei writes something you dont understands

tooru knows that you like to do sudoku in the convenience store while you worked

tooru knows you eat the same meal during lunch every day from the same lunchbox

and he also knows that your brother talks so highly about you from takeru

the little things your brother brags about like your ability to cook f/f or your weird ability to just assemble something without looking at the instruction manual

he notices and knows all these things about you

things that people never really even bothered to 

oikawa didnt even know he liked you until iwaizumi pointed it out during lunch

the third years liked to go and eat at the rooftop where it was nice and windy

oikawa was sitting and leaned against the tall wire fence, his eyes fixated on you down below on the bench as you ate your lunch

then you accidentally loosened the chopsticks causing your food to slip off

that made oikawa giggle

he was chuckling and giggling that the others noticed him when he suddenly went quiet

‘oi, oikawa’

makki nudged him back to them and tooru flinched before smiling at them

‘hm? so you do notice me!’

iwa glared

‘idiot. of course we do. youre laughing over there like some damn schoolgirl. did one of your fangirls posses you or something? if not, cut it out. its ugly’

oikawa shot him an offended look

‘what?! iwa-chan so mean!’

mattsun took the liberty to peer over the edge to see what he was looking at and smirked

‘eh? were you looking at l/n-sensei?’

oikawa blushed, feeling like he just got caught doing something bad

‘and what about it? im looking at you too, right now, mattsun!’

makki cackled at oikawa’s poor attempt of reasoning

‘i mean, i dont blame you. if issei wasnt here, id definitely get with him’

SEDKLFJSDLFISDKFJ MATTSUHANA YALL :”)

oikawa’s eyes wandered back down to you and he noticed you put the bento box to the side before sneezing

‘gosh, even his sneeze is cute’

he mumbled then jolted when he heard his own words 

iwa sighed

‘what are we going to do with you, shittykawa?’

‘what?! what did i do?!’

iwa’s eyes scrunched and he scrutinized his best friend

‘boke. i feel bad for that kid, doesnt know this stupid idiot likes him’

so thats how oikawa came to terms of it

he thought he was just interested and fascinated with you but he really does like you

and to be honest, he doesnt really want you to know that bc duh, you dont like him so why bother?

baby oiks doesnt interact with you much anymore bc he knows you get uncomfy with attention but he still does look out for you and decides he should just admire from afar

he will live every day just holding his feelings in for you and one day they will disappear

but today just wasnt the day

maybe today was the start of the worst yet the best part of your life

last night was particularly rough as the convenience store you worked in had a drunk person who wanted to fight with you and your manager had to call the police and it was just a mess

to add on to it, midterms were around the corner-like next week- so you were studying up for that

but your sister got sick so you were also trying to take care of her and making sure her fever was going down and her crying ever few hours about her tummy ache didnt allow you to sleep

hehehe single parent working late tingz

ALSO SHE DOESNT HAVE MISS RONA JFC

so yep haha you did NOT get any sleep

so you walked into school that morning, looking tired as hell and mad as hell but you just wanted to sleep bro

the one kid you tutor, matsukawa issei, and his friend who usually tags along, hanamaki takahiro, noticed you dazedly pass them in the hallway and poor dudes felt bad for you

mattsun actually pays you to tutor him bc he knows you need the money while taka preferred to buy you snacks and drinks as compensation

so it was normal that he had an energy drink in his bag that he was going to give you tomorrow during your tutoring day

‘oi! l/n!’

your head perked up at the call of your name and you nodded in greeting at the light brown haired boy

‘hey’

you muttered and mattsun placed his hands on your shoulder to keep you upright

‘oi, l/n, you sure you want to be here? you can go home and we can tell them youre sick or some-’

but you waved your hand

‘nonono todays an important lecture so i cant miss it’

the two guys didnt look convinced but they respected your need to be in school since they too need to be in class for midterms

‘here. at least take this’

makki placed a drink on your hand and you nodded and gave them a small smile

‘thanks’

you mumbled before wandering off

once they saw you at a distance away, makki wrapped an arm around issei to get his attention

‘ya think we should tell oikawa to keep an eye on him? make sure he doesnt keel over and die or somethin?’

mattsun stopped before nodding

‘yea thats a good idea’

SKLFJLSDKJFD NOT MATTSUHANA BEING YOUR PARENTS

oikawa was already in class when you walked in and he cant help but tear his eyes away from the girls to you as you sluggishly walked to your seat

the drop of your bag and the thud of your head meeting the desk made him worried bc you looked worse than usual

his phone buzzed and he checked it to see a message from mattsun

‘keep an eye out for your boyfriend. mightve been working late last night and yanno how he is. just watch out if he faints or something’

okay that made him super worried

totally ignoring what mattsun called you, oikawa knew he needed to talk to you

but these fangirls were the first problem

he shut his phone off and looked up at them with a grin that made them madly blush

‘ladies, class is about to start. oikawa-senpai would hate for you to be marked. so study hard for me, okay?’

like hypnotized cult members, the girls ran to their classrooms and tooru finally had the opportunity to talk to you

he stood up and walked over to your seat

‘m/n-chan’

he called out, looking down at you

‘m/n-chan’

he tried again and was about to put a hand on your shoulder when your hand snatched it

‘dont touch me, oikawa’

you grumbled and tooru furrowed his eyebrows

‘m/n-chan, i just wanted to ask if youre okay’

he whined and you didnt bother to look up but just let go of his hand

‘i was until you came over, idiot’

ouch

tooru was thankful that the teacher came in then and there bc he didnt know how to respond to that

he wanted to brush it off but it hurt him a little

and he knows he shouldnt entertain his crush on you but he couldnt looking at you and watching as you got up to use the bathroom 

as class went on, oikawa was starting to worry

now again, hes no stalker bc his observation skills were just phenomenal due to volleyball

so he noticed that youve been in the bathroom for like 20 minutes now

DONT JUDGE US, OIKAWA. WE’RE JUST TRYING TO PUSH OUT THE BIG PIECE OF-

okay nevermind

anyways

tooru, worried that something happened, raised his hand to go and use the bathroom and the sensei wasnt exactly paying attention so he just let him go

thank god he has long legs bc he was able to reach the bathroom quick and he stifled a shriek when he saw your passed out form inside

‘M/N-CHAN!’

he yelled and he cursed when duh you were alone and who knows how long youve been there

and ew bathroom floors is bleh

you were in no way light but you werent exactly heavy either so he was able to muster up all his strength and hoisted you on his back

tooru’s heart thrummed in his chest and he knew it couldnt be that serious but he cant help but think of the worst

and yep

the nurse just told him that your heartbeat was okay and you were snoring so you mustve been exhausted by the dark circles in your eyes

‘keep an eye on him for me. i have to tend to midoriya over there. the kid broke his arm again and i dont know how’

she grumbled at the end but tooru didnt care as he sat on the chair next to your bed

he sighed before laying his head on the cot by your hand

his eyes settled on your face and how peaceful it looked

gosh, you really were so cute

your personality just sucked ass

constantly telling him to shut up and calling him idiot

hmph

not long after oikawa fell asleep, you woke up and cursed, immediately realizing you fainted and you missed class

as you were going to rub your eye, there was weight on your hand and you looked down to see a head full of brown hair that could only belong to a certain someone

a certain idiot

‘oi. oikawa, wake up’

you shook his head and when he didnt budge, you just pulled your hand from under him making him jump awake

at first, he was confused

looking around like a lost puppy and his eyes bleary

yea it was cute and what about it

then he noticed you sitting up and he smiled

‘you feeling better, m/n-chan?’

he asked, leaning close 

but you placed your hand on his face to push him away

‘yea. and stop leaning so close, idiot’

you grumbled and he whined

‘youre so mean, m/n-chan! i was so worried about you!’

he complained and you rolled your eyes

‘i didnt ask you to be, idiot’

SLDKFJSDLKFJKL M/N IS SO MEAN WHAT THE FAK

oikawa frowned

‘i cant help it. i like you, m/n-chan’

you froze, looking at him with scrunched eyebrows

then you chuckled dryly

‘yea, okay sure. im okay now so you can go to class’

wOW OIKAWA DESERVES BETTER WHAT

tooru was taken aback

‘wh-what? thats it? after i just told you that i liked you?’

you blinked at him

‘what do you want me to say about that, oikawa? how do you want me to react? im not like your fangirls, squealing and shit’

your words cut deep in him and oikawa held your arm

‘no wait a minute. what do you mean by that? do you not believe me?’

‘who the hell believes something that’s fake?’

there was a snip in your tone and oikawa knew you were talking about this facade of his

‘what? i-’

‘you think i believe you? you telling me you like me? do you even know who you are?’

you asked and tooru sniffled, eyes staring at your chest

‘for years, you told people what you wanted them to hear, regardless if you meant them or not. not once have you ever told them no. who the hell accepts chocolates when they dont even like them to begin with?’

at that last part, oikawa snapped up to meet your eyes

‘how did you know’

you rolled your eyes

‘our brothers are friends, idiot. he gave him some of the chocolates you gave to takeru since the brat couldnt eat them all’

oddly, that brought some warmth in tooru’s chest

so he wasnt the only one who knows the stupid stuff

but you continued on your rant

‘for a guy who doesnt like sweet stuff, youve accepted their nasty treats all the time, like why? oh, wait i know why, because you want them to like you. it doesnt matter if-if this-this persona of yours isnt real because as long as they like you, you dont give a fuck. isn’t that true? am i right? because please, prove me wrong’

maybe your dislike for him came out at that tangent and you half expected him to cry but you were surprised when he glared at you with teary eyes

‘i will. ill prove you wrong, m/n, that i do like you and i will make you like me. ill make you like me with the real me. i swear.’

‘mhm. okay. sure, oikawa’

do you regret it?

i mean,,,

kinda?

but not really?

because you loved watching the girls faces fall when oikawa rejected their treats the next day

you were walking to class when you noticed him with his cult by the entrance and you saw him smiling at some girl before gently pushing away a can of cookies

‘gomen. i actually dont like sweets that much anymore. if you want, you can give me milk bread?’

you stopped and oikawa caught your eye and he grinned

you nodded in greeting before continuing to walk

but he noticed a small smile on your face and gosh oikawa sighed like a lovesick fool

it took iwaizumi to finally send him back and his fangirls were looking at him worriedly

‘could you be less obvious, shittykawa?’

rip iwaizumi hajime in episode 546546546 of daily adventures of oikawa tooru

you noticed that oikawa has started to become distant with his fangirls and hes been sticking to you during lunch, leaving behind the others

makki and mattsun looked like proud parents as they peered down over to you flicking oikawa’s forehead and they smiled

‘god, that kid deserves this’

‘hah? that sounds like more of a punishment to me. but i dont care. it takes him off our hands for a while’

IWA I SWEAR HES SO MEAN BUT HE STILL WUVS TOORU SO ITS OKAY

oikawa would pick your brother up and take him home when youre too busy to go get him yourself and sometimes, he even takes your little sister too which causes them to have a mini sleepover and you sleep there too

also, whenever youre working in the convenience store, tooru would buy sandwhiches and a drink just for you so you can eat them while youre on break and not have to waste money and you told himyou dont want him spending money on you but he doesnt wanna hear it

‘i dont want you buying me-’

‘ssshhhh dont. im doing this because i want to and becaus i care for you, m/n-chan’

overtime, 

yea

sure

youve started to like him

youve started looking forward to seeing his stupidly cute face and his stupidly cute giggle

you went to his games and gave him a tight hug when hes about to play as a ritual for good luck and you would open your arms for him wide whenever he wins

then he didnt

against shiratorizawa, you noticed how he was so disappointed

even as you walked home with him, he continued to smile and tell you how good his team played

until you couldnt take it anymore

you pulled him over to some alleyway and you pushed him to the wall

DSKLFJLSDKFJLSDFJ WOW WHAT

oikawa nervously fiddled with his jacket and gave you a shaky smile

‘m/n-chan, what are you-’

‘tell me what youre feeling right here, right now. no bullshit, no lies, tell me everything in that pretty head of yours’

you deadpanned and tooru looked away

‘im fine’

‘are you lying to me, tooru?’

your voice was even but he could tell you were serious

he gulped before taking in a shakey breath

‘im fine. so stop asking about it!’

he exclaimed and you sighed

‘listen, i know its not official yet but you want me to be your boyfriend right?’

tooru flinched before he flushed at the word ‘boyfriend’ 

then he nodded

‘as your boyfriend, you have to lean on me, tooru. i dont want you to hold it to yourself because i wanna be there for you and i want to go through everything with you because i,,,,,’

you stopped and hesitated, debating if you should say it or not

‘because i like you, idiot’

you confessed and swallowed thickly

oikawa met your eye and his eyes watered

‘im so angry! im so disappointed! but i know my team did their 110 percent! we’re just not strong enough! so its not their fault! but ushijima is such a freak and hes too strong and its not fair!’

he complained and he cried loudly

not once in the 3 years of knowing oikawa have you seen him cry and you were so proud of him for being able to trust you enough to show him being vulnerable

you rushed forward held him close to your chest

‘for what it’s worth, you looked so incredibly hot and cute playing’

you whispered and pecked his neck 

of course oikawa couldnt hold his surprise at the feeling of your lips on his neck so he squealed a little

you gigled and continued holding your boyfriend close, even if it was at some nasty alleyway

yall became official and ngl, they didnt see this coming

some nobody dating the grand king oikawa tooru?

what in the wattpad?

yall know that tiktok of like ‘guys you cant dm me anymore. i have a girlfriend now. what else? and i love her’

IF YALL DONT KNOW IM SORRY

but you totally made oikawa tell his fangirls that

YOU KNOW THE FUNNY THING?

when yall became official, you actually gained your own little fanclub

maybe its because you gained clout from your boyfriend but they started noticing you and wowza you were hot

before, it was you getting jealous over tooru but now, it was him getting possessive of you

hes such a brat that he sits on your lap before class and youre just all smirking and feeling all good bc your baby is so cute when hes jealous

YOU CANT DISAGREE THAT HE DOESNT RADIATE UKE ENERGY

but all oiks has to do is pull down your collar and expose your purple littered collarbones and they will know who you belong to

theres a reason why iwa-chan is now the kids babysitter

youre still kinda cold and distant to people but youre soft for your baby and you always hold him close when hes in sight and you just cant get enough of him

:’)

also!! 

your sister loves dressing you up and oikawa has his sisters makeup and they both do your makeup and you guys have tea party with the boys and just the cutest domestic stuff

you still call him idiot though

but like affectionately yanno?

and over the years youve turned it down to dummy

and ngl tooru loves it when you call him that

what in the dumbification-

because he knows that equivalent to babe from you and he absolutely just loves you lmao

youre def the more quieter and calmer one in the relationship like you absolutely dont react much

while tooru is the overreactor and hes very animated with his facial expressions and stuff

like the one time

he was cooking some chicken pasta and you cheekily grabbed a piece of chicken and he made a dramatic gasp

‘*le gasp* oikawa m/n how dare steal a piece of chicken!’

you cackled before crossing your arms at the sight ofyour lover with his pursed lips and hands on his hips

‘excuse you. its more of you who’d take my last name’

it was so easy to make him flustered and tooru quickly turned around to tend back to the food but he was really just hiding his red face

‘b-baka. thats not going to happen’

‘not if i do it first’

you shrugged and smirked, wondering if he will fall for it

and as expected with oikawa tooru

‘yea okay sure’

‘i will!’

‘prove me wrong, m/n-chan~’

‘turn around right now’

oikawa rolled his eyes playfully before turning with a smile

‘what are you-*le gasp part 2*’

his hands covered his mouth at the sight of you there in front of him, kneeling on your knee tightly clutching a silver ring between your thumb and index finger

your heart was thrumming in your chest but you gulped and smiled

‘i win. now marry me, dummy’

oikawa screamed

a/n: sorry if this sucked booty :((( but i just really like the thought of uke oikawa and just him with a cute boyfriend for a change like please we all know oikawa is a bi king and thats on docosahexaenoic acid

[planetjisungie]

lucky charms- h.rj

characters; ravenclaw! renjun x hufflepuff! reader ft. gryffindor! mark and gryffindor! jeno (sigh)

summary; with the exams coming up, you need a little help with your charms. well you dont, you just needed an excuse to talk to your long time crush, huang renjun

an; i literally changed this on the spot 🤡 plot holes here i come- (also id like to think jeno is more of a hufflepuff but idk man)

sigh okay this is a long boi

end of year exams were in just a few weeks

yay, your absolute favourite !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sarcasm

now, charms

in room 99, classroom 2E in the south tower

i did my research

you were pretty good at charms, not nearly as good as you were in the care of magical creatures and herbology though

still above averagely good

you know who else was good at charms?

huang renjun

the star ravenclaw prince boy, the pride of the house and a very beautiful boy

best boi renjun

if jeno was being quite honest he was SICK AND TIRED of hearing you two pine over eachother

jeno met you in first year, and you quickly became best friends and even ended up in the same house as eachother

despite having different friend groups (your friend group consisted of you and eunji), you stayed best friends until now aka 5th year

just go with it okay

so as he was saying before i digressed, jeno physically is pained as he watched the longing glances both you and renjun throw when the other isnt looking

but it isnt his business to meddle with your lack of relationship problems

best boi part 2

BUT! but! he will give you both a tiny! eensy! little! minuscule! nudge

that nudge being forming a plan with you

you were slightly reluctant when jenos very enthusiastic face greeted you at the table saying he had ‘a totally brilliant, spectacular, show stopping, wonderful, flawless plan’

this was jeno we were talking about

the same boy who planned the failed midnight snack run a few weeks before

and as soon as he mentioned renjun your eyes narrowed

"proceed."

the plan was for jeno to ask renjun to tutor his friend who was falling behind in charms

said friend was you

and you were ahead of the class

bUT!! you agreed because he wasnt in your class, so there was no way he could know that right?

wrong.

who was in your class?

mark lee. one of renjuns best friends.

also the boyfriend of eunji and the reason you wanted to gauge your eyeballs out everytime you turned around to talk to them

thats right eunji ditched you to sit next to her little markie. bitch.

nonetheless, you agreed because your dumb, spontaneous ass forgot that renjun even knew mark, because if someone said ‘whos mark?’ you would go ‘eunjis boyfriend’

so of course, when all the students were making their way to their class, jeno caught up with renjun seeing as they both had muggle studdies

"hey man, i have a favour to ask"

stage one of operation: stop the oblivious fuckers from pining over eachother (that name may need some revamping) was a-go

"depends what said favour is"

smart boi™️

"is it possible to tutor one of my friends in charms for the upcoming OWLs?"

oh? this piqued china pretty boys interest

"i mean, sure, i could do with some revision too. tell them to meet me at the library after school"

and so jeno walked away with a smug smirk, victorious

and when jeno told you he had agreed later in potions, you were yet you werent surprised

so of you trotted after last period, kinda nervous because youre about to be in the literal breathing proximity of renjun

like obviously youve talked to him before but this time it was just you and him

alone

no get those thoughts out of your head

n e ways u perv

renjun sat at the back table, textbooks and notebooks with his neat writing in both chinese and korean all over the pages

smart boi part 2

so seeing him not looking at you

attention whore

wow why am i so mean today

you sat down and cleared your throat, placing your blank notebooks on the table so the boy wouldnt get suspicious

you had to pray to whatever gods were listening for your cheeks not to flare up the colour of the strawberries you had for breakfast

healthy girl™️

and the gods apparently answered your prayers

because as soon as renjun looked up and into your eyes you swore you were too distracted for your blood cells to even think about moving towards your face

and renjun nearly had a heart attack (by aoa)

poor boy

jeno had NOT told him that he would be tutoring you

he was going to be choked later

"sorry im late"

renjun was nearly offended that you would even apologise to him for being late by

2 minutes and 48 seconds

"no no its okay i havent been here long"

that was a lie he had study period last and has been sat in the same goddamn chair for an hour already but your presence made his ass cheeks ache less

so he started teaching you, but ???

you seemed to fully grasp the concepts

confused boi

excuse me ma’am/sir/señor/señorita whatever you prefer to go by-

you need to brush up on your acting skills dude

appalling smh your drama teacher back from your muggle school would be completely distraught

so for the next hour renjun ‘tutored’ you

things you already knew but this was a dream-

and actually he was a funny guy

he was also muggle born, so you could both relate over things you experienced as a kid

this lead to a raging debate over dora the explorer

that bitch was shaded in said debate, fully annihilated

hola soy dora your asshole

but,, it was fun. because jeno was pureblood and grew up knowing about all his magicky stuff so he was kinda boring sometimes

no tea no shade

but you ended the session with smiles on both your faces, cheeks literally aching with how hard youd been laughing and smiling

so lads

the next day at breakfast renjun was all happy, plonking himself next to mark at the gryffindor table because

man does not give a SHIT about the looks he was getting. he is huang renjun.

"why are you so smiley this morning? and why didn’t you come to my common room last night"

the gryffindor common room was the dreamie hang out

no one dared tell THE mark lee to go somewhere else with his friends

"sorry, last night i was tutoring y/n in charms" smiley boy still

mark seagull eyebrows: activated

excuse him?? charms?? you?? the one who got an outstanding in your report card??

something smells fishy here

"renjun... y/n got an outstanding on her charms"

eunji who had magically appeared next to mark basically said what he was just thinking

confused boi part ??

"wait what?"

but later on he didnt question you about it

he silently observed you

he told himself that anyway

quite honestly if you were spending time with him he was not about to complain

he was staring at you, simply put

my leng bby (thats you, youre my leng bby)

so for the next 2 weeks every day after school you would meet up to ‘catch up’ on your charms

that being said it literally always, every time, ended up with you two talking about something unrelated

like the 5th day you had a conversation about which series of power rangers was better

"SPD, obviously"

AM I THAT OLD?? on god i hate it here

"no, y/n, we all know that dino force is better"

i agree with y/n on this one pal

on the 7th day you talked about muggle sports that you both enjoyed

"i played a lot of cricket"

"cricket? okay tory"

"i am NOT a tory"

on the last day when you should have been, you know, LEARNING

you were having a lovely old chinwag about the x factor

"simon cowell is a king"

"i agree"

legend behaviour if you ask me

wait does chinwag exist in other countries??? translation: chat

so of course the exams came up

but you were dreading them for a different reason

this meant the end of tutoring with renjun

this was super bittersweet, you wanted to spend more time with eachother

you literally could it wasn’t that deep both of you are so dumb smh aint nothing stopping you

jeno agrees with me too, mans pulling out his hair still as you had somehow not gotten together yet

it was like watching snails race, incredibly frustrating but you know that there is the finish line somwhere over the horizon

so you took your exams and both of you passed with flying colours, obviously

smart kids

and you ran right to renjun to celebrate

seeing as he had

not really helped you but you thought that he thought he helped you

oh no honey he knew that you didnt need help

but he didnt know whether to confront you about it?

rip your guilty conscience

so after a long discussion with mark, our china boy decided to ask why the heck you wanted his help when you were absolutely fully capable

unlike mark

and when you saw him approach you first in the halls your heart went

NYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

that was the sound of a fast motorbike

"hi y/n"

‘damn renjun, couldnt have thought of anything better than that?’

"uhh hi renjun"

awkward silence by stray kids

"i just wanted to know why you asked for my help"

okay where is the nearest shovel and what is the most efficient way to dig a large hole-

as if renjun sensed your panic radiating off you in waves

which he did

"not that it was an issue! i enjoyed spending time with you, it was just, you didnt really need help"

he was a pure boy

so you puffed your cheeks and decided to just come clean

somewhere, jeno felt his senses tingling

"genuinely i just wanted to spend some time with you because i really like you"

renjun froze and wanted to smack his head into a wall

bruh

you noticed his expression and panicked yet again

stop panicking man its okay i gotchu

"it was jenos idea"

blame jeno is always a fool-proof plan b

unless you get pregnant, that would not be a good idea

so i guess its not fool proof

BUT I DIGRESS

renjun face palms and groans

"youre kidding me! all this time we wasted doing boringass charms work when we couldve gone on dates"

confusion™️

but?? you felt hopeful??

"i dont think im on the same wavelength"

"i like you too dumbass"

oH so YOURE the dumbass??

yes, yes you are renjun is best boi, accept the L which is really a W bc renjun likes you back

jeno who had found his way to you, listening from around the corner sighed in happiness

"fucking finally!!"

[tilltheendwilliwrite]

(1/4 second edition) fuck tumblr lol so. it's not that I want to date him, it's just I miss the friendship we had but I know that's not fair of me to focus on who he was. I'd like more support from him I guess? I can't remember the rest but I'm sure when you post the others it'll come back to me and I can re-send in my scrambling thoughts hahaha take your time!

(2/4) I've got a soft spot for him, I know it's bad (that's a thing I'll just have to not have at one point) but with Rachael? I'm basically doing periodic check ins. Letting her know that "hey I hope you had a great day and work was productive and not super stressful, have a great night". before she'd send something similar back and we'd converse from there. now I'm lucky to even get a response at all. I'm genuinely concerned there's more going on she's not telling me.

(3/4) I can't ~make~ her tell me, and I won't. bc I've been there. she'll tell me when she's ready I suppose. The most I can do is be supportive and offer my help when/if she or he ever asks for it. should he come up in conversation, I'll voice my concern but only bc she's asked for it. I'd hate to lose either of their friendships but...if it comes to it, I'll step down and move on. I've done it before and I can do it again.  

(4/4) god, I must sound pathetic. but these friendships, any friendships are important. and it may seem like I'm over exaggerating here but -- I don't know at this point, I just want everyone to be happy (including myself haha) thanks for listening, T. I wish I had the courage to come off anon ha but seriously, thank you. you don't have to engage like this but I'm grateful you do. (Also, I started Canadian Girl and what magic powers or sacrifices did you make to write so fucking amazingly?!?!💗) 

Sorry. Just got home or I would have gotten to this sooner.

It sounds like you don’t truly need my help. You’ve got the gist of it right there ^^. But I will say friendships are hard. People grow apart and that is okay. I have friends in my life now in my late thirties that I never knew when I was younger.  Most of the people from that time are but fond memories or treasured acquaintances and that’s okay. 

We grow up. We move on. It sucks sometimes, but I have better friends in my life now than I ever did before and I think it’s because we build each other up. They are as much - and in some cases more so - family than my blood relates. 

At this stage, you get the opportunity to live, grow, and find the people whose hearts fit yours. Holding on to the past can do more harm than good, but we don’t learn unless we make mistakes. 

Good luck to you and your friends. I hope everything sorts out the way you want it to.

As for how I became the writer I am today? Well, as @unicorns-and-fairy-dust will tell you, the blood sacrifices were messy but at least we have pools of reader tears to bathe the carnage off in. (All jokes aside, it’s just hard work, sweetie. Long hours of research, reading, and writing through the roadblocks)

You’re welcome to poke your nose in my inbox anytime. I’m busier than I used to be (omg I forgot how much time work takes up in my life *cries into the void*) so it may take longer to answer, but I’m always happy to give my opinion on things or just chat, on or off anon.

T~

[awaylaughing]

Since @quilleth​ gave me the BAREST excuse, Michi and Lyon. The meme in question and if you read this and think “golly gee, I’d love to give you an opportunity to chat more about other people” I have a shiny new character page you could reference here.

who’s the werewolf and who’s the hunter

Werewolf Lyon and Hunter Michi 100%. Firstly, werewolf Michi is too obvious, there wouldn’t be a single hint of mystery around that, secondly, I don’t think you’d ever get Lyon to go traipsing around the forest without a curse to turn into a canine of varyingly levels of homicidal. Also also, Lyon as the weirdo who lives on a fancy house on the hill is Such A Thing don’t @ me. His status as local cryptid just due to being an asocial loner would already make him seem TOO obvious and he’s so stuffy and not outsidey.

Anyhow, the locals scrounge up money to hire a hunter and they get Michi who is maybe in a duo with Ana bc the ship is no longer sailing but Lyon having to put up with both of them is HILARIOUS. There’s been signs of a werewolf about, but no attacks yet so Michi and Ana get on the case and there’s mystery and flirtations and Ana seducing sheltered farm girls to their mothers’ chagrin. Lyon it turns out has been a werewolf for ages, and either spends all his time napping the basement OR has been going out lately because some else has moved into the are and he’s protecting the town. Or both – used to be a basement dweller but Ethical Duties Make Demands.

Extra fun thought, werewolves are hella old and Lyon’s the last head of the no defunct noble family who owned this land before Whereverlandia turned into a republic, and he still feels it’s his duty to protect his people despite the times having changed.

who’s the mermaid and who’s the fisherman

I don’t think I can get Lyon on a boat without some real shenanigans afoot, and I feel like if he were a merman he’d be one of those weirdo deep sea ones who never comes up for air ever. So, invoking asocial loner Lyon again, maybe he rents a place on a Suitably Dramatic Coastline and the only person he ever sees is this weirdo lady who claims to be a local except the closest locality is like, forty minutes down the coast by car and there’s never any boats around. She pesters Lyon and generally forces him to leave his house. There’s a cute scene involving a tidal pool.

Anyway, eventually she gets outed as a Man Eating Mermaid except Michi’s a VEGETARIAN these days she’ll have you know. Once Lyon stops being mad that she exists and has upset his understanding of the world, it’s all smooth sailing. It’s a story about scientific classifications of fish and the healing nature of two lonely people finding ways to make room for one another.

who’s the witch and who’s the familiar

Witch Lyon, it was an experiment, no one was supposed to be summoned and oh God what do you mean he can’t unsummon her until the next full moon that’s 23.5 whole days away. Michi’s...just barely not useless as a familiar. She knows stuff but her tidiness levels leave much to be desired. She’s super hands on however and has no fear of getting dirty or messy, so she makes an excellent scientist so long as someone else writes the results. Lyon teaches her witch lab safety, about 72% of it takes and he calls it a win because he’s never smiled so much or eaten so many square meals a day, at reasonable hours.

On her end, Michi (who sometimes is a dog, bc shapeshifter Michi yes pls) didn’t intend to linger for like, the witch’s whole life the way some familiars do but she gets all gooey the more time they spend together. She always thought being a familiar was basically being someone’s pet, and she was willing to give it a try ONCE but the fact she likes having a partner to work with surprise her.

who’s the barista and who’s the coffee addict

Barista Michi and coffee addict Lyon. She genuinely thinks she’s serving him into an early grave via cardiac arrest but what can she do. Has a habit of doodling on the name card thingies when it’s slow and Lyon only comes in when it’s slow, so he has to pretend not to be charmed by her increasingly detailed cup art. Michi flirts like mad and it goes over his head and so she assumes it won’t go anywhere and tbh this is Peak Coffee Shop AU. There is no drama at all, everyone’s just running around being mid 20s assholes.

Eventually however it revealed that Lyon used to not be that much of a coffee drinker but he kept making excuses to see the cute barista at the nearby coffee place and whoops he thinks he might need to switch to decaf. Michi suggests maybe a calming fruit tea is even better.

who’s the professor and who’s the TA

Professor Lyon, ofc, and he’s 100% that prof who only “teaches” a class because they make him. Michi is the TA who makes class not boring, and being in her lab is the BEST lab to be in bar none, since they’re probably in biology for this to work for Michi. She likes Lyon, but she feels a bit underappreciated and Lyon definitely spends this story wooing his TA back after she leaves him and he realizes the hole in his life has nothing to do with having to pick up all that work she did and everything to do with Michi being not intolerable.

who’s the knight and who’s the prince(ss)

Prince Lyon has been presented with the ultimatum that he must marry Or Else. Prince Lyon tried to argue Or Else is not an ultimatum, but he was overruled. Lady Knight Michi is there to corral/protect the presented bridal options. Naturally, he and Michi end up having a quiet night when he spots her reading and they talk about books and his lil heart gets all aflutter.

Michi is naturally super resistant to marrying a prince - it’s not what’s done and she HATES princessy stuff, her little brother being born was the best day of her life if you ask her. When it becomes clear Lyon’s not going to be marrying any of the potential options, things get dicey but Michi turns back at the last moment and she pulls some “I can’t marry you but I can promise to be with you forever” and Lyon’s like “perfect I abdicate” and the monarchy is in shambles but true love carries on.

who’s the teacher and who’s the single parent

Variation time! Lyon’s a suffering high school teacher who’s Alarmed when, during a PT event he meets Michi there as a guardian to one of his students – but it turns out both her parents died the summer before she was to leave for university and she’s been taking care of her younger sibling since then. Michi’s siblings is struggling a bit, but they’re a good kid and so Lyon and Michi end up chatting a lot trying to help Sib out.

One thing leads to another, and Michi nopes out for a hot sec in panic about what this means for her sibling but they have a familial heart to heart and then she has to go apologize to a rather frosty Lyon. It works out, because Michi’s not traditionally charming but she’s hella charismatic and she has no shame whatsoever.

who’s the writer and who’s the editor

A THIRD RECLUSE LYON FOR YOU. Michi’s an editor to some paper he writes to on occasion but it’s mostly Letters to the Editor, and they end up in a weird penpal scenario. I don’t have anything else, clearly they meet somehow, and Lyon probably also publishes research but Michi doesn’t know about that stuff and just knows him as the kinda crabby but very smart guy who tells off bigots from the last issue and stuff.

They eventually meet in person because of the research - a friend of Michi’s drags her to some academic Thing as a plus one and somehow Lyon has a friend in this setting who made him come (or maybe Dean Falon made credible threats) and Michi and Lyon slowly start to talk and realize “HEY IT’S YOU”.

TL:DR most modern AUs are just Michi making Lyon leave the house

[jess-oh]

Reflection

In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you now I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth I’m everything that I am because of you

i have a senior banquet meeting in about two hours and im hoping to at least start writing my philosophy paper at this point. hopefully i can finish it! and then tonight i can code my website a little bit more and start researching for my IP Conflict class.

Sigh.

I’m conflicted.

I met with Joy by chance today and she invited me to eat lunch with her which was really nice and I was touched. I’m making active efforts in making Movement a better community, even if I don’t get to experience it. I think I’m just really tired. I was definitely much more physically tired while we were talking but for some reason, I just decided to vent everything and confess everything. She was really good at listening and it was nice just being able to talk without worrying I was talking too much or not doing a good enough job. Especially because she’s a freshman, I want to do my best to serve her and invest into her and be there for her but I do think part of the reason I’m so miserable and feel like I can’t rely on Movement as my community is because I haven’t let them. I never reach out to them for help. I just try to do my best to be there for them and let them vent to me and have them rely on me but honestly, I haven’t been the most honest with them either. It’s not fair for me to blame them when I definitely could’ve been more honest and open with them as well.

The night that Jason told me the things people had been saying about me and what I should be more aware of, I cried. A lot. I wasn’t necessarily hurt because I knew those things weren’t words from him and he told me out of place of care and I took those things to heart and made active efforts to change. And I did and I am still constantly looking for more ways that I can do better. But I think I just became so paranoid after that night of always maintaining a certain image but never just being able to be myself. And I’ve been increasingly more tired and burnt out recently so my true colors have been coming out and I am having a lot more genuine fun this way but idk. I think I just don’t trust the Movement community enough to tell them my problems without them feeling like theyre in a position where they have to take care of my problems all the time but are uncomfortable with telling me what theyre going through when i am here to serve them. I do genuinely care for them. I do. But I’m just so tired of serving and seemingly getting nothing out of it. 

I kind of just want to go home for a couple months and rest there and not have to think about anything and to just be with people I know definitively do genuinely care for me and I never have to worry if they lowkey dont like me or disapprove of how i handle some situations. Sigh.

I’m just really tired is all.

I can’t believe it’s already almost April and time for the summer. For my friends to graduate and leave me behind. They’re moving on to bigger and better things and I’m excited for them. I just gotta reprioritize and adapt to the new situation now. I was able to do well this past year. Hopefully I can do it again. I’d love to see them again and for them to come and visit. I do really love them all, a lot. Sosososososo much.

I also feel bad saying no if people tell me to do something bc I know technically I could help but it’d be easier for me not to. I would have more free time and time to relax and be free if I didn’t take it. But technically, I could do it so I don’t want to say no. Earlier today, Wookie messaged me asking if I could be the official admin person for VS this term and be in charge of scheduling, finances, etc. And technically, I could. I do enjoy doing administrative work and I’m good at it. But that’d just be another thing for me to worry about on my plate.

I also think I partly brought this upon myself. I’ve been trying so hard to prepare myself and properly equip myself for to return to Turkey to serve the Kurdish people for a year by the time I graduate and as a result, I’ve been hyper equipping myself and making incredibly fast progress to challenge myself to do better and have more self discipline and set goals and accomplish them. I’ve been filled with so much determination to do better but I’ve gotten so caught up in doing this that I lost sight of the reason I started doing this in the first place. I want to invest into the local church so that I have a better understanding of what it means to truly love someone/something and not caring at all the sacrifice it takes on your part because you love them so much. I’ve been expecting something in return instead of just loving them with all that I am. But love doesnt have to be so one sided. It can be open. If I’m willing to be open and vulnerable with them. If they genuinely care and want to know how I’m doing as friends, then I should let them instead of being so closed off and having a me vs them mentality. It has been lonely but it’s also because I’ve been digging my own grave. I don’t want to serve in InterCP just to have Christian friends that genuinely care for me and are also centered in Christ. I don’t want to serve just because I feel like I need to in order to best prepare myself for the mission field. I want to serve because I want to use it as an opportunity to lift up the next generation of missionaries and pray over them because I know that God will use them in such an incredible and mighty way. I want to serve InterCP because I care about how it’ll spread the good news and the hope of Jesus Christ. I want to serve for that. And honestly, right now that isn’t the case. It might’ve been at first and idk how I got sucked back into serving but I did and now here I am. I need people to rely on and that I know genuinely care for me. And people that I can genuinely care for too.

Joy asked me today when I feel the most relaxed and like I can just rest. And I really couldn’t think of any examples or moments or people where that’s true. I’m always slightly on edge. Maybe with my roommates but even with them I act like I have it more together than I actually do. I can think the most clearly when giving them advice and I’m not so confused or afraid of the weight my words will carry in what I say and how it’ll influence/impact them. 

I feel like I’ve worked really hard to gain the trust of my community and I don’t want to lose it because I was confused and said something stupid instead of taking the time to really think it through and give them the best possible answer. But I also think just being there, in the moment, and really present and attentive and intentional is enough as well.

Sigh. idk.

im pretty lonely. 

i do trust pjosh but i want concrete advice on what to do instead of having to figure out myself all the time. but i guess thats pretty selfish and unrealistic to ask of for anyone. i can rely on other people to always make decisions for me. i gotta do that by myself. or more importantly, with God in mind and how to best serve/glorify Him.

sigh

i just really need to rest dude, haha.

im really tired.

anyway, thanks for chatting with me journal.

i pray this all in your name,

amen.