#but also its 3:45 am and i think i woke up with a headache and fever

[that-one-weeb-but-starwars]

A Marriage Arrangement with death pt 4

All I can say is well. Well my bad-

Read Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 3.5

Y/n's eyes slowly opened, turning her head she was face to face with Savage.

Smiling softly her hand reaching out for his face, rubbing Savage's cheek with her thumb lightly.

He slowly woke up, his irises bright in color and lowly shining in the dark room. Y/n said nothing- thank the gods for black out curtains. She thought his eyes were so pretty with there soft glow

He kissed the palm of her hand softly as she smiled, leaning forwards they shared a soft kiss.

"Well good moring." She smiled.

He only sighed, pulling her into his chest as she chuckled.

"Go back to sleep."

"Come on we can't stay in bed forever." Y/n responded kissing his chin, he was rubbing her bare back with one hand she smiled at him, relaxing in his grip she sighed happily.

"We're getting married today."

"Again."

Y/n chuckled, "You don't want to get married again?" She teased.

"Why unify again and tell the galaxy when my galaxy is infront of me."

Y/n flushed deep red, as she moved her gaze away, her chest tightening and butterflies filling her stomach.

"Oh...I..." she spoke trying to come with a counter. His hand carassed her cheek as he sat himself up.

Y/n kept her gaze away the headboard seemingly more interesting, but soon then she realized she was laid down on her back, Savage over her frame as she looked at him to catch his gaze- and hold it.

"Hello there..." y/n spoke trying to cover her akwardness.

He leaned down kissing her softly without another word, her arms wrapping around his large frame, hands rest at the top of his back.

Pulling away softly Y/n whined playfully, chuckling he held her, she pulled him back down into a kiss happily as a leg wrapped around his bare waist.

A soft groan of pleasure was drawn out into the kiss and the two pulled away softly with a pant.

"Moring sex sounds fun." Y/n joked as he chuckled, going to kiss her again there was a knock on the door.

Y/n groaned in displeasure, its always someone. Pulling herself from under him she covered herself with a robe. Walking towards the door it opened with a push of a button.

"Oh- Misses Gladlys-" y/n responded, "I uh...why are you here?"

"I was requested to get you on account of your mother Princess."

Y/n nodded, "uhuh for?"

"Well to get ready of course. It is your big day."

"The ceremony isnt till later in the day?" Y/n questioned.

"Well yes but-"

"Misses Gladys I love you. And you know that. But I have another matter- Very Very big matter."

"But Princess."

"Just this once. Give me..." She spoke looking back at Savage, his hips and below covered by the blankets as his top half was put on full display for her, "Give me 45 mintues-"

"Fourty-Five Mintues!? Princess you're mother-"

"Sorry Misses Gladlys! I promise just once! Bye!-"

"But Princess-"

Y/n shut the door, locking sealing it shut from the inside.

"Now." Y/n spoke turning back to him walking towards the bed as she dropped her robe.

"Where were we?"

"Sleep."

"Right."

She climbed into bed as she curled up to him, his arm drapped over her hip in protection.

"The sweet glory of sleeping in." Y/n smiled nuzzling into his chest as he chucked, both going back to sleep for another hour.

Yet she would be woken up by a loud knocking, causing her to groan. Savage was also woken up as Y/n pulled away from him recovering herself she opened the door.

"Do you have any idea what time it is!"

"Yeah Yeah Im going." Y/n spoke walking back into the room and going back to Savage.

"Wish me luck with her- and someone will be here with a set of chlothes. My brother's will want to talk to you before hand," Y/n spoke kissing him softly, "Love you."

"I love you too."

She smiled as she left, being yelled at as soon as she opened the door.

"Yeah yeah lets go."

Savage sat up rubbing the back of his neck, meanwhile getting dressed his chlothes from the other night, pulling the boots on and bottoms, leaving his armour off he pulled on the turtle neck. That's when he received a transmission.

Picking up the hologram fromed as Ventress stood there.

"Savage."

"Mistress."

She crossed her armors, "has she trusted you?"

"Yes." Savage spoke, "I believe this may be a strong allyship between the two worlds-"

"You fool! This is an infiltration! Do not get attached!" Ventress argued.

"I thought this was ment to be Unification. Not a hoax." Savage tried to defend, but it was useless.

"Count Dooku will be present today both at the ceremony and to sign documents. Its when we will attack, killing Count Dooku and the royal family. And Dathomir will finally regain what was lost to them."

What was he suppose to say- No? He couldn't do that, he did belong to Ventress after all. The spell did what it was ment to.

"You will kill the royal family! And that Pathetic thing you call your wife." Ventress demanded.

"Yes. Mistress."

"Good."

The transmission was cut as his head felt like it split open, holding it in pain he growled.

The doors opened.

"Hey! Savage! We wanted-" it was one of Y/n's brothers, "You okay?"

"I-I am fine." Savage lied.

"Oh. come on then."

He followed the group leading him into a lounge area, all her brothers sat there. They cheered for him as he ended.

"Big day huh! Must be exciting!"

"You idiot he was married at Dathomir as well."

"Your an idiot!"

"Sorry for them." Fresco spoke apologizing for the twins, handing Savage a cup, "for your headache."

Savage nodded almost immediately downing the water, leading him to come sit down

"You heard fathers coming back?"

"Good maybe mother will finally stop being so mean."

"Please you know she bullies him too."

"You havent met all of us have you?" Fresco spoke.

"No I don't believe I have."

Fresco smiled, "there is a lot of us. You know the twins and Attiucs."

The twins were busy arguing but Atticus waved looking up from his book.

"Ezio here is the oldest." The older teen raised a cup taking a drink.

"Im after him, and Jacob's next, after are the twins but you met both of us" Fresco added, "Juniper is next."

The teen with his hair half buzzed the other side long and braided lifted up a lazy hand, sitting upside down on the couch as he listened to his brother.

"After Juniper its Atticus, and then the triplets."

They were busy dualing around the room with sticks, "Cornelius, Hamilton, and Magnus."

Hamilton stopped to wave Politely but was ran into by his two siblings as they fell onto the floor.

"What about you? And your brothers? Sisters?" Juniper questioned but Atticus kicked him.

"You little shit!-"

"I don't have any brothers. Not no more." Savage responded his glass being refilled by butler standing by.

"Hey! We got you. We're all brothers now." Fresco spoke a fist to Savage's shoulder playfully, "we're an off bunch but mean well."

The group contuied to talk to Savage, it was odd how accepting they really were. Somewhere in the back of his mind made him regret all of this.

He'd have to kill all these people.

So what was the point of getting close?

Soon enough all of there suits came, Savage the only one in white.

"Who do you think Y/n will recieve?" Juniper asked the group.

"I believe a moder. Perhaps Sutur." Ezio explained fixing the flower pin in his hair.

"What is receiving?" Savage asked.

"Hmm?" Fresco asked, "Oh it-"

Mid word Juniper cut in, "It's part of the religion. The 12 gods are believed to comibned to become the earth beneath us. Sutur is just one of the gods, mostly know for being a core due to its controling of everything hot. When you marry one born on this planet goes through a 'receiving' its rare but only twelve can get a god, but you can also get an enity or a passed loved one though that's super rare. They give you there strength within battle."

"But Y/n's much more powerful than a core- which is why she should be getting Hela." Jacob cut in.

"Hela hasnt been someones beck and call since Father." Ezio argued, "and we all know how he ended up. You wish that upon your sister?"

The group went quiet.

"I was given the impression your father was alive." Savage responded.

Fresco sighed, "when he was assigned Hela he descended into madness with each kid born. They think he's in Helheim and will return- He'll be Y/n's receiver."

"I think he's dead dead." Jacob responded, "like he deserves and mother better follow him"

"You can't say that!" Atticus argued.

"Please Attiucs grow up." Juniper spoke.

Savage listened intently, as Fresco looked back at the Zabarack, "We may have a large family, but the heads of the family aren't...the best"

"It sounds like my family." Savage told him as they all started filing out of the room, leaving just him and Fresco in the room alone, "I. Unfortunately grew up without one of my brothers, he was taken away due to his special ablities."

Fresco listened as he poured them both a glass of whiskey, "And my younger brother. I don't remember what happened, or if he's even alive."

Handing Savage the glass they stood by the window.

"Makes you not want to have kids." Fresco questioned, "I know it scares me. Becoming the one thing I hate."

"On Dathomir men are only used for mating and then usually killed off." Savage spoke.

Fresco frowned looking out the window- how was he ment to respond to such information.

"I know my sister will treat you with Kindness." Fresco spoke, "it seems you're already growing on her. I seen you two at the dinner."

Savage felt his chest tighten, he was falling in love with her, and he liked it. He loved the idea of her.

"Guys hurry up or it will be the groom walking down the Isle." Ezio told as he had quickly come back.

The two left with each other side by side. Both enjoying the silence as they walked down the steps. Thats right, He had only been down and up these steps a few times, but those few times were some of the best times of his life.

Stopping outside the castle he looked back, seeing it all shiney as the sun hit it perfectly, looking like something out of a book. The whole walk was like that- there was no reason to take out a whole planet for the sake of Dathomir, Dathomir didn't need another planet- he would of liked them to fix theres first atleast.

"Savage?"

He turned his head seeing Y/n standing there, when was she here? Looking around a bit shaken she stood in her wedding dress- it looked perfect on her, with a full bottom and a lacey top that had the same matching sleeves. When were they at the alter already?

"Are you okay?" She whispered softly, the priest reading off religious text.

"I-" he spoke looking at her what was he suppose to tell her?

Her white dress would be bloodstained within a matter of mintues due to what Mother Talzin was planning?

"I have a headache is all." He responded.

Y/n frowned, "maybe some food afterwords will make you feel better. Caf was even skipped this moring."

"Right." He responded, and left it at that.

"Do you take this man to be your husband? To take of him in sickness and health? To love him without doubt?"

Y/n smiled, "I do."

Her hand gripped onto his in excitement, that small squeeze made him happy, feeling her hand in his.

He had no idea what the woman infront of them said but only said the words as quick as he comprehend.

"I do." He cut the lady off.

Y/n flushed as she looked down flustered.

"Then I do pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride."

Y/n was pulled in quickly, shocking her, but it wasn't unwelcomed, kissing back the large church full of people cheered as they pulled away and as he did He seen Count Dooku sitting next to Mother Miranda. The group of people settling down, calming themselves once more as the woman cleared her throat Savage being gestured over by her brothers who were off to the side as he went over.

"With the coming of age you Y/n will be the caller of one of our twelve gods. You may be choosen for something greater, or passed by as a common folk." She spoke, "are you ready to give yourself to the twelve gods and let them judge you as one!"

"Yes head preist." Y/n spoke as her wrist was grabbed and palmed opened where it was sliced open Y/n gritting her teeth slightly as she was dragged to the floor, only following as her hand was put face down on the alters floor.

The woman moved to the side as the doors behind the alter creaked. Atticus holding onto Savages leg as Savage put a hand on his shoulder telling him he'd be okay.

"By the twelve gods..." Fresco spoke as the door opened a large hand crawling onto the carved in wood.

"I-its Hela..." Ezio asperated as the door swung open heavily crashing into the wall. Which it was hinged to.

The room silent and still as the other swung open.

The figure large, made up of what seemed to be Ash, body exposed and what looked like to be burnt half way just to show her dark innards, she was on all fours as Y/n looked up at her, slowly standing up as it went quiet for a moment.

Y/n reached out her cut hand, Hela reaching out her hand as well as Y/n looked forward keeping her eyes on Hela.

Somewhere some how Helas hand had shrunken along with part of her arm as they were bound by the cut on Y/n's hand.

'They're here-'

A warrior bursted into the doors as Y/n turned her head, "We're being attacked! The ships! They've all been destroyed!-"

The man stopped stabbed through the back, and fell to the floor.

"So sorry to ruin this happy momment."

Y/n growled as her hand was let go, and in place of Hela's hand held a sword, as Ventress walked down the isle.

"Damn are sister really is a bad ass-" Ezio spoke under his breath.

Dooku stood up as well, saber in hand.

"You were foolish to come alone." Y/n argued Hela still behind her looming in all her darkness.

"Who says I'm alone?"

Just as she spoke, a Battalion of night sisters filed into the room from both sides of her.

"Savage." Ventress spoke.

"Yes Mistress."

Almost immediately Fresco who stood besides Savage was lifted up into the air, force choking him as Fresco grabbed at his neck.

"Savage! Stop! Now!" Y/n demanded, "Stop now!"

"Kill him. Now." Ventress demanded.

There was a large crack as the filled church was still in shock, the young man thrown to the floor as his brother immediately surronded him.

"He's dead! He killed Fresco!"

Thats when the chaos started, when one had been pronounced dead.

Y/n could remember, it was all a blur. All the fighting- the blood shed. All she remember was ripping through people with her new found sword, swinging at heads and abdomens, she was luck that her skirt hadn't had a train.

Atticus had ran to her as she fought on the stairs stabbing a nightsister in the face and kicking her back, her white dress covered in dirt and blood, "Y/n!"

"Attiucs! Run away now!" Y/n argued, blocking another weapon, kicking the women in the female Kenobi's

"I'm not gonna leave you!" He shouted.

"Damn it Atticus!" Y/n shouted slicing the woman's flesh and grabbing his hand, "Come on! Lets go!"

Atticus ran hand in hand with her, somehow and some way some of her brothers caught up, they running and escaping to the castle.

"We have to be quiet take off your shoes." Y/n whispered the group hiding behind a wall as they all pulled there shoes off, "You have your run away bags all ready?"

"What?" Magnus asked, his other brother Cornelius, holding his hand, he had lost one of three to Ventress.

"Shit thats right, they never made there's. I'll go with them." Ezio spoke quietly,

Y/n nodded taking a quick head count, they had lost so many already, Fresco, Juniper, and Hamilton.

"I'll take Cornelius and Magnus." Jacob offered.

"I'll take Atticus. Ezio- weapons and maps?"

Ezio nodded, "becareful."

They all nodded, spliting up, Y/n had lucky gotten Attiucs up the stairs and to his room, as he was grabbing his things.

"Y/n." Atticus spoke as she was making sure he had everything for a final time as they carefully walked to her room, once inside she answered him.

"Yes Atticus." She responded going for her own bag.

"Savage...he isnt that mean. I know he isn't." Atticus spoke, "I know we didn't know him long but- he didn't wanna kill Fresco did he?"

Y/n tossed her dress the the floor dressed in trousers now fixing her top.

"Atticus." Y/n spoke kneeling down to him, "I know you liked him. I did too, but I don't even know anymore."

Attiucs frowned, as she held his shoulder's, "Are you going to kill him? Savage?"

Y/n frowned, "I don't know."

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[legendofanakin]

My tongue split,FAQ & Healing diary.

If you're reading this,you either specifically sought it out,of I half sarcastically linked you because you typing out the same series of answers gets annoying. At any rate,hello! I'm writing this in mid November,and I got my tongue split the 24th of October!

I posted the progress for about the first week,and this is a compilation post of all those updates,along with some photos! FAQ first. Then,a copy and paste of the Facebook statuses I made!

Can you do tricks?

Not really,no. Moving them individually is super rare from everyone I know,I've never seen it done. I can barely even roll my rs without a lot of practice.

Did it hurt?

No. The lidocane (numbing agent used with a needle) hurt a fuck ton. Then the very back suture a good amount. Swelling,and the last days with the stitches hurt but the procedure itself didnt!

Why did you do it?

I've wanted it since I was very young,I want a few "extreme" (to some people) body mods,and this was the first,to prove I could do it. I wanted to see exactly what it was like and how much my body could handle. And here we are.

Do things taste the same? Does eating feel the same? Can you feel your tongue the same?

Everything,EVERYTHING,is exactly the same.

***any question about kissing or nsfw nonsense**

I did not got the split for sexual enjoyment. Kissing is almost the same,just a bit more enjoyable. The person who I current kiss,has kissed me pre-split,and post split,and says it feels different,but basically the same? Giving oral is a little better but the novelty will probably wear off.

A word of advice is that if you're anticipating the split,be prepared for the same shitty gross questions forever.

Healing diary!!!

(Here's me and my artist!)

Day 1!

About 45 minutes of sitting with my mouth open,but I barely felt the pain until that night. Swallowing was nearly impossible,but I managed some ibuprofen and water as much as I could. I had a cup for what didn't make it,and drool.

I tried to drink water and coughed swallowing and spit it on the floor.

I fell asleep on the ride home and it wasn't sobbed after ibuprofen. I do feel a small headache,and jaw ache.

I'm a little worried about removing my stitches since he said its easier to find someone to help,but,tomorrow will probably be the worst one.

Also for those of you who are curious,once my stitches are out,its not noticeable unless I stick my tongue out. I know tons of people with it done,and it doesn't effect very much lol.

Day 2

Sleeping wasn't terrible,gross but not awful. I actually slept longer than I normally do if you exclude waking up at 2 am for ibuprofen.

When i woke up,my tongue was double the size it was yesterday. I can't move it much now but I think my right side is my dominate side.

It doesn't hurt as much as it is just uncomfortable. I can't fully close my mouth and my glands are swollen so I've been icing my jaw a lot .

I purchased everything to make energy bursting smoothies but I'm a little scared to try them.

Last night I ate some warm soup,by which I mean,I drank vegetable broth I made.

Slurping is 10 times easier than bottles with the spout. Breakfast was an applesauce that took about 10 minutes to eat,and I crushed up some arnica in there.

I'm using a very watered down and alcohol free mouthwash,more so diluted then when I had any oral piercing.

Also using a saline solution. Both things actually alleviated a bit of discomfort.

This being said,not once have I thought "why did I do this" and I just can't wait to be all healed.

First set of stitches come out Friday,and the rest come out Sunday.

If anyone knows how to remove sturtures let me know! He said my mom should do it,but I know she will hate it.

I made a hearty smoothie,sans peanut butter so it wasn't too thick. Every sip I took I rinsed with water,or swallowed it all with water,to keep it from getting messy. It was hard,but I didn't really finish any of it. I also had a lot of ice.

Day 3

I barely slept last night. My tongue rubbed against My teeth so badly,I couldn't shut my eyes until I got the idea,at around 5 am,to put wads of papertowel in My mouth.

But. If my breath didnt stink beforehand that made it way worse.

Like I've never smelled something so foul,and that's INCLUDING the mouthwash rinses,salt water rinses,and brushing my teeth once a day.

But,my tongue isn't being exfoliated by food,or moving at all really,so.

I woke up twice,chugged some water,and did rinses and took ibuprofen for relief.

Once I was finally up (which undoubtedly means I'll nap a lot today) I immediately ate a smoothie. This time,with fruit I put I'm the freezer,making it much easier to drink,and with peanut butter and way moreeeee spinach since yesterday I only ate a little bit.

It aches. My teeth ache. My jaw aches. But its going away ,and apparently I'm over the the the the aches.

After eating,I'll clean,and then separate my sides,which makes me bleed a little bit,which is when I'll salt water rinse!

First set of stitches out tomorrow means a lot of relief....praise the heavens.

Day 4

Today,I took out stitches from the tips of my tongues.

I also drooled a lot less last night---but I slept on my couch (with a huge towel). I found its easier to sleep with my head up than it is to lay down,especially when you toss and turn like I do.

I haven't eaten yet,I'm not really hungry. Taking my stitches out was a hassle but,it feels like a relief? It kind of feels like I burned my tips. Someone said they lost feeling on their tips but I've only heard of that happening one time.

I'm less swollen today,but still judging that on if I can shut my mouth all the way,which I can't do comfortably.

I can't wait till Sunday!

It took nearly an hour to get these two stitches out completely, and all my medical friends are back home,so I think I'm going to go to urgent care. But if this feels this good with just two out I can't wait for the rest.

Less aching today,too. And there Isnt as much of a bad smell since my mouth can be shut more

Days 5,6,7

All of these days were about the same until day 7 when I got my stitches out at a local piercing studio called True Expression. That day I ate sushi and edammame and it was soooo weird to get used to it. The swelling lessened each day,but once the stitches were out everything was loads better. I had a bad lisp for the next 5 days after that,but its finally gone. I have had a bit of newgrowth pretty fast,but I separate most of it every day,and sleep with gauze in my mouth to prevent it. I still rinse,and didnt kiss,have dairy,spicy food, or alcohol until a full 14 days passed.

Moving it indivually is apparently next to impossible but none the less I have so much fun playing and practicing every day!

Hopefully any of this post helped! Feel free to ask anything I didnt answer!

[agalarianzigzagoon]

gonna put this under a read more because sara wanted me to answer them all >_>

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? i honestly have no idea. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? i’m pretty outgoing unless my anxiety is acting up. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? i’m potentially buying a ticket to RTX off of someone, so i’d be looking forward to seeing everyone there.  4. Are you easy to get along with? as long as you don’t give me shit, yes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?  i wholeheartedly believe yes (after being texted multiple memes). 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? funny, caring, basically as long as you’re a fucking memer like i am we’re gucci. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i hope so .^. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? he knows who he is :p 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes? idk it’s weird. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? i’m p sure it was aidan because The Depression hit. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “yeah this is the shit i come up with when i’m bored” to vix 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? everything is alright- motion city soundtrack, time won’t let me go- the bravery, breaking and entering- tonight alive, screw eyes- color therapy, the hills- the weeknd 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i would literally melt into a puddle. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? absolutely 15. What good thing happened this summer? staying up way too late playing stupid fucking video games.  16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? absolutely not he turned into such a scumbag holy shit 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? i dunno, but it’d be cool to find out for certain. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? nope, i haven’t seen him since my school closed after 6th grade. 19. Do you like bubble baths? don’t have an operational bath because the pipes are cracked, but i never really took baths. 20. Do you like your neighbors? my neighbors to the left of me (if you’re looking at my house) are weird as fuck, neighbor to the left is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet 21. What are your bad habits? biting my nails, cracking my joints really loudly.  22. Where would you like to travel? i really want to go somewhere cold. i’d love to see the northern lights. 23. Do you have trust issues? very severe ones. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? when i’m at work, coming home and being able to destress because my work environment is shit. when i’m off, going out and goofing off with niko. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? pretty much all of it, honestly. 26. What do you do when you wake up? flop around looking for my glasses. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i’m fine where it is right now. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? anyone from the discord chats i’m in and the few friends i retained from high school (aka sascha and inky). 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? it wasn’t even a breakup it was just “oh i moved away and mostly forgot about you” so i don’t even consider him an ex. 30. Do you ever want to get married? yeye. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? that’s my hairstyle of choice. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? bitch what. no. 33. Spell your name with your chin. kzasgtkied (could be worse) 34. Do you play sports? What sports? nope, but i like screaming at hockey. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? tv. i pretty much only keep it on as background noise anyway. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yeah, and it sucked but oh well, things happen for a reason. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? “sooooo.......” 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? funny, willing to stick by even if things get bad, likes memes as much as i do. i’m not really picky and they don’t need to have the same interests that i do because i love hearing about things that i may not have any idea about. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? i really don’t have any? 40. What do you want to do after high school? well i’m already out of high school and all i know its not working this shitty minimum wage job. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes, unless they’ve already taken those chances for granted or done something severe. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? that i’m extremely upset. 43. Do you smile at strangers? i try to. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? outer space. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? usually the fact i have to go to work, but if not, the pup. 46. What are you paranoid about? the people i care about not actually caring about me. that’s my main fear. 47. Have you ever been high? that’s a hard no. 48. Have you ever been drunk? twice. once on new year’s eve 2016 and then in january for my birthday. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not that i can think of. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? yellow. 51. Ever wished you were someone else? hasn’t everyone? 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i wasn’t so anxious over things. 53. Favourite makeup brand? i don’t really wear makeup but I like covergirl and prestige eyeliner. 54. Favourite store? as cringy as it is, gamestop and hot topic. but i don’t go out much. 55. Favourite blog? there’s a LOT. 56. Favourite colour? purple and blue. 57. Favourite food? chicken. 58. Last thing you ate? grape freeze pop. 59. First thing you ate this morning? bagel with cream cheese. 60. Ever won a competition? For what? i got third place in a spelling bee in 5th grade and got first place at both regionals and states for pjas (basically a pa statewide science competition). 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? i got an ISS for socking a kid who later became my crush in the nose in 4th grade because he was annoying me. 62. Been arrested? For what? nope. 63. Ever been in love? absolutely and it’s the best feeling i’ve ever felt. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? it was on the way back from a band competition, and we were all crammed onto a school bus. we were sitting in a seat together and i was tired so i kinda dozed off a little but when i woke up i was like “fucking kiss him god damn it you’ve been dating for like a month and a half” and i just DID.   65. Are you hungry right now? a little. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t really have too many “tumblr friends” that aren’t also my real friends. 67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook because i love reading the drama. 68. Twitter or Tumblr? twitter tumblr is a fucking cesspool. 69. Are you watching tv right now? just as background noise. 70. Names of your bestfriends?  (most will be their online names) there’s like three sarahs/saras, vix, bonk, d, rose, rory, inky, james, aidan, quartz, bunn, hal, and cheese. (i have so many online friends holy fuck.) 71. Craving something? What? the sweet embrace of death. nah but for real like... watermelon or just fruit in general. 72. What colour are your towels? i have a blue one, a red one, and a yellow one.  72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two usually. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? not anymore. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? probably a good amount but they’re all in the attic. 75. Favourite animal? i love pretty much all animals but i love dogs/wolves/foxes. 76. What colour is your underwear? white. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? why not both? 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? chocolate peanut butter swirl or mint chocolate chip. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? reddish-magentaish? 80. What colour pants? blue. 81. Favourite tv show? my favorite of all time will always be siberia. 82. Favourite movie? twister or edward scissor hands 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? I’ve never seen 21 jump street all the way through so mean girls again. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? don’t really have one, but if i had to pick, janis. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? crush because who doesn’t love stoner turtles? 87. First person you talked to today? i think it was my mom. 88. Last person you talked to today? one of the many sarahs i call my friends. 89. Name a person you hate? if i say it i’ll probably get arrested lmfao. 90. Name a person you love? @riones-lair​ :* 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? i’m always ready to punch someone. 92. In a fight with someone? not that i know of. 93. How many sweatpants do you have? probably 5 or 6. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? an unnecessary amount. probably 17 or 18. we collect hoodies like they're going out of style. 95. Last movie you watched? probably one of the harry potter movies 96. Favourite actress? don’t really have one. 97. Favourite actor? johnny depp because of edward scissorhands. 98. Do you tan a lot? no, i burn and i burn badly. 99. Have any pets? niko who is a massive neapolitan mastiff that farts a lot. 100. How are you feeling? sleepy and in pain. 101. Do you type fast? when i get really into doing something i can type so fast you would not believe. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? a lot of things, but the past is the past. can’t do anything about it. 103. Can you spell well? i like to think i do. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? of course, but they’re in the past for a reason. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? a few times, my grandmother has a big backyard and we’d have bonfires back there. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes, his name was macaroni and i loved him very much. 108. What should you be doing? SLEEPING. 109. Is something irritating you right now? the slight headache i have going on. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? once but then i realized it wasn’t worth the pain. 111. Do you have trust issues? didn’t i get asked this before? but yes. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? i don’t remember physically but while talking to someone it was quartz, aidan, and aidan’s girlfriend sarah. 113. What was your childhood nickname? usually only ever called kate. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? farthest i’ve ever been out of state is alabama. 115. Do you play the Wii? i used to, not so much anymore. 116. Are you listening to music right now? i was but now i’m watching a twitch stream. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yesssss. 118. Do you like Chinese food? certain types make me sick but for the most part yes. 119. Favourite book? the entire Maximum Ride series. 120. Are you afraid of the dark? not really? 121. Are you mean? really only if people are mean to me. 122. Is cheating ever okay? no. never. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? for a while, all shoes inevitably get dirty. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes. 125. Do you believe in true love? yes. 126. Are you currently bored? somewhat. 127. What makes you happy? drawing, writing, talking to people that care about me. 128. Would you change your name? if i could get my full first name shortened to my nickname that’d be good enough for me. 129. What your zodiac sign? capricoooooorn. 130. Do you like subway? sweet onion chicken teriyaki all the way. 131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell him i have a boyfriend and that he should have said something like a year and a half ago lmfao. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? pretty sure i was asked this too? but yeah, aidan. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? “i am so homesick for someone that i never knew/ i am so homesick now for someplace that i’ll never be” 134. Can you count to one million? it’ll take forever, but yeah. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i’ve told a bunch of stupid fucking lies holy shit. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed. 137. How tall are you? 5′6″, i’m short. 138. Curly or Straight hair? wavy. 139. Brunette or Blonde? dirty blonde. 140. Summer or Winter? winter. 141. Night or Day? night 142. Favourite month? october. 143. Are you a vegetarian? absolutely not. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk and white. 145. Tea or Coffee? tea. 146. Was today a good day? surprisingly, yes. 147. Mars or Snickers? you’re asking mars or mars. snickers, though. 148. What’s your favourite quote? as corny as it is, i love “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 149. Do you believe in ghosts? definitely. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Up!” - The Lake House

[middle-name-queer]

Hey hoo so I'm reading again, 53 pages down already and I'm enjoying the book so far! Just sort of happy about that. Makes me feel like a person again.

[osayoko-blog]

How about all the questions except 100? ( ◠‿◠ ) See, I'm nice.

ASK ME THINGS

( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Nothing, because they would still be snoring away happily next to me. My favorite thing to hear in the early morning.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?☼♥ ☾

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?I think that’s the stupidest question someone could have come up with. Shouldn’t you care about every little thing concerning them? Ranging from when they experience minor headaches, to drug abuse, to their well being in general?

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?Ozaki = 5

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?Sober, maybe a little drunk on sleep.

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?Yes. But we’ll always go our way.

7. What does your last received text say?I don’t remember right now.

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?∞

9. Where was your last kiss at?The hospital.

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?I don’t have a sisiter but two older brothers.

11. What do you drink in the morning?Decaffeinated tea.

12. Where did you sleep last night?At the hospital.

13. Do you think relationships are hard?They are if you invest everything you’ve got. If they’re not, you’re probably just wasting away your days ignoring each and every occuring problem.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?No. Although not everything went the most perfect way possible, I wouldn’t change anything. Life isn’t a video game you can restart if you made any mistakes that influence the progress of it. You have to live with your mistakes and the bad phases that come and go. Coping with the consequences makes you grow, cheating doesn’t help you improve but to eventually make the same mistakes again without learning through them. Everything happens for a reason and everything that has occurred to me within the past five months has gotten me to where I am right now. I like it, I’m happy. I’m enjoying my life and the connection I have to the people in it.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?None.

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?Summer rain.

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?I don’t have a middle name.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?Leggings.

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?It doesn‘t matter if it’s a relationship or just “us”. I think it will still be “us” three years from now.

20. Does anyone like you?Yes.

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?Technically.

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?No.

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?Yes. Are you human?

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?I appreciate art in every shape and form it comes in. I have considered it a couple of times. I love this kind of unforgiving commitment to whatever you choose to carry underneath your skin with you for the rest of your life.

25. In the past week have you cried?Yes. Never hold it in.

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?It was a cute Pomeranian. I can see why this question is important. It honestly made my day to see this white ball of fluff bouncing around and wrapping his leash around his owner’s legs in the process. They were all annoyed but it was an adorable sight to witness for me.

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?Drying off in the shower is such a pet peeve of mine.

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?No.

29. Do you think you’re old?I have an old soul but a young heart.

30. Do you like text messaging?It’s not that I like it to an extent where I can say that I enjoy it, but it has become ultimately vital for the people of our generation. Especially in my business it’s a great way to stay in touch with important contacts but also a comfortable possibility to talk to the people close to you when you find yourself being constricted by a busy schedule but don’t want to miss out on anything in their lives. I still prefer face to face conversations but I’m grateful we’re given these endless possibilities nowadays.

31. What type of day are you having?My day has been an odd mix so far; a little bit busy, a little bit boring, amazingly challenging.

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?Actually, yes. I’ve done a shooting with Brooklyn All Day a while back where they put a fake septum on me and I actually thought this look was pretty cool and refreshing, enough to briefly wonder if it would be something I could enjoy on the long run, but I came to the conclusion that it’s not too convenient in this kind of profession. When I was younger, I always admired people with belly button piercings, too.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?I like both extremes. I like them, but I also find myself moaning as soon as I’m forced to cope with extreme cold or extreme warmth. Yet I enjoy being surrounded by snow or going to the beach on beautiful summer days. I don’t have a preference as it seems but I’m grateful for every season and its perks.

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?Always. My best friend.

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?I’d prefer no labels. They only do harm depending on the type of person you are. My answer will be neither, but I strongly believe that certain things don’t need to be named. Strong emotions don’t need such limiting cages. You will only find yourself clutching these golden bars, wishing to escape so the two of you can be free. But most importantly together. Why limit yourself when those feelings go far beyond human vocabulary.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?I am as simple as I am complicated.

37. What song are you listening to?Bon Jovi - Living on a Prayer

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?It depends on who you are to me. But usually, yes. Especially when you’re close to me. The tighter the bond, the more I’ll have to swallow my pride to apologize. When I do, I do mean it.39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?My friend Akane.40. What made you start liking the person you like now?This is the toughest question so far. Mainly because I don’t want to write a bible for an answer, so I will try to keep it short. What made me like them, the very first thing that did, was realizing that for some reason our minds worked strangely alike. He spoke out things I couldn’t put into words, but he also took entire sentences off my tongue I wanted to write down and yet he was faster, just like he knew what I put my mind to that very moment. It was like speaking to my reflection in the mirror. And I hadn’t even seen him in person back then. This conversation got under my skin. Ever since I’m tied. Since day one.41. When did you last receive a text message?Yesterday.42. What is wrong with you right now?I think I’m frightened of the unknown and of the familiar, both at once.43. How well do you know the last female you texted?Barely.44. Does anyone disgust you?Remotely.45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?Yes and no.46. Are you in a good mood right now?As good as your mood can be when all you can think about is sleep.47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?Sono.48. What color shirt are you wearing?Grey.49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?Yes. I don’t think either of us liked it but it was necessary. I’m glad we had this conversation.50. Anyone you’re giving up on?The slow and mechanic form of life I have been the past couple of months. Goodbye.51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?Sometimes. But it’s never without affection.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?Who didn’t?53. Do you like rain?I love rain. 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?I think I will simply refer to the question concerning drug abuse here. Though it also depends on how severe the consume of alcohol is.55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?Yes. Although I’ve learned not to waste emotions as I grew older. 56. Do you like to cuddle?Actually, yes.57. Are you shy?It depends. But a huge part of me is. 58. Do you get along with girls?I do. But I have a tendency of getting along with boys much better.59. Have you dated the person you texted last?Yes. 60. What do you carry with you at all times?My phone. 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?Yes, but I’d probably chicken out as soon as I hear as much as a creaking door. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?Yes. 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?Yes. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?I think it makes for a sensation of warmth and comfort, feeling utterly cared about.65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?Yes. My son produced his absolute worst diaper. So… cute…

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?Well, one of them was very very old, almost ancient. Rumor has it he’s almost fourty. The other is currently 4 months old and last but not least, I’m not going to give away my mom’s age.

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?I have phases where I feel artistic and want to do a cool design on my own nails, but let’s be real, it’s better and easier to just get them done by a professional.   68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?Leo.69. Do you have any stickers on your car?No.70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?Lil Wayne.71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?iPhone.  72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?I only recall having pizza from Domino’s.   73. Do you like diet soda?No. Go hard or go home.74. What color are the walls in your room?White. I can’t have my walls painted in extreme and distracting colors. It makes me feel uncomfortable because they’re too loud. White is very soothing.75. Are you 16 or older?I’m 10 in spirit.  76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?No.  77. Do you have a job?Professional food enthusiast.  78. What are your initials?S. O.79. Did you ever have braces?No.   80. Are you from the south?Damn right. From the best city ever! I also think Northerners are cavemen.

81. What does your last status on facebook say?I don’t really use this site.82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?Not really, no.   83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?I’m close to both of them. They give me more support than I could ever dream of. I’m close to either of them in different ways, I believe. I talk a lot about my concerns and problems to my mom. She gives the best advice. My dad is my rolemodel. He teaches me lessons about life whenever we interact. And he was the one making me attached to the sea ever since I was a little girl. I’m grateful they raised me the way they did.84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?Gymnastics.   85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?Resident Evil.   86. Do you smoke?I used to smoke. I can’t say that I don’t miss it these days.   87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?I love any kind of shoe. It depends on the occasion or the setting.    88. Is your phone touch screen?Is the sun hot?   89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?I like to wear it curly if I am in the mood to do anything with it. Otherwise I prefer to have straight hair since it doesn’t require any work while I get ready.   90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?When I lived back home with my parents I used to sneak out of the house or back inside often. Those were my wilder teenage years. Rebel phase, Kurt Cobain lover, living the gyaru lifestyle.91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?A lake.   92. Have you ever made out in a car?Yes.   93. …Had sex in a car?Yes.   94. Are you single or in a relationship?Maybe something so precious, no label in the world could ever express its beauty.   95. What were you doing last night at midnight?Driving to the hospital.   96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?New Years.   97. Do you like the camera on your phone?It’s okay but since photography is a hobby, I prefer my Canon.   98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?Yes. It’s common in Japan though.    99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?More often than I’d like to admit.101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?Yes.  102. Name your favorite Kesha song: Blah Blah Blah  103. Do you have any tan lines right now?None.   104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?I used to when it was a thing for gals.  

[angrypainedblogger]

This is the stupid and pointless rant I can’t put anywhere else

I have a chronic illness, and I don’t feel like being upbeat all the time. I don’t want to read some happy go lucky article that either gives really weak self help tips or is just another “i’m trying to be upbeat but you can clearly read that I’m not getting anywhere with my own illness” post. I’m so tired of all of that. And I can’t go anywhere else because my parents or my boyfriend will see and get offended, like they’re not doing anything to help me. Not everyone can do everything to help me. I can’t talk about being sick without being a downer, and sometimes I need to be one. I’m currently ignoring my homework because my head has hurt since I woke up at 3pm, and so has my back and wrist. Plus the work I have to do it design work in photoshop, so it’s not like that’s going to help the headache, the backache or the wrist pain. Sitting in computer chairs is the worst, and regardless of brightness the screens just suck. And everything makes me angry.

I hate my house so much right now. It’s filled with junk because no one, not even me, can get rid of enough stuff to make a difference. We’re moving, but that’s in a year. And even then I’ll probably still feel stupid. I’m 23 and living at home. I’m worried that even when I am done with school, it won’t make enough of a difference and I won’t be able to get a job in my field, and then I’ll just be a loser working jobs I hate until I get fired because I’m calling in too much because I’m in too much pain to do normal jobs. I can’t even stand all day without aching everywhere.

I’m in counseling but it doesn’t help enough. I feel like I have so much complaining to do, and an hour every two weeks isn’t enough. Now it’s 45 minutes because of insurance. And since I complain the whole session, we don’t even do any guided meditation or the stuff that’s supposed to “help” me. I guess I suck at counseling, too.

I’m just tired cause I’m on like my 9th year of college, cause I did some dual enrollment stuff during high school, and I’m so close to being done but last semester really wiped me out. I already have a business degree, but I’m pursuing one in illustration. I have to see doctors every month and I feel like I’m never gonna be able to hold a real job. And then all of these teachers just keep lumping on more work, like I even care right now. It’s like they never take into account the fact that we have other classes and real lives. They all say it at the beginning of the semester lecture, but none of them actual account for it, except for a few really nice ones. I can’t handle the idea of not doing something though. Not going to school for a semester sounds like forever, since I’m almost done and I take the summers off. And when I work I’m trying to make money, because I spend too much of it like an idiot. I think sometimes I think stuff will make me feel better though, when in the end it just makes the house messier and I get more frustrated.

How stupid is that? I guess I’m living like I’m independent without my own actual space. I know I have a lot of stuff, but I don’t think I have as much stuff as some people, so I don’t want to get rid of a ton of it, but there’s no room in my house for it. But the problem is, it isn’t my house. It’s my parents house. And my mom wants me out of here. She wants my brother out, too, and she’s terrible at being accommodating. I know I cause problems with her because I’m too stubborn and I don’t back off when I should sometimes, but she’s so lazy. She doesn’t do anything but watch tv. Whenever she does something it’s because my dad forces her too. What is up with that? How can you be content just sitting like a blob, doing nothing? I do it sometimes, but she does it all the time. At a certain point you have to just stop, because it’s pathetic.

This is why I have this new blog, unattached to everything. I don’t want my mom to see that because I don’t believe she’s a terrible person, even though that makes it sound like I do. I know she does stuff for me. But she’s incredibly stubborn, and is a bitch at times. I can’t say how many times she’s asked me how she can help me with my problems, like the pain issues I have, and literally no one can do anything. The only things I ask her to help with are things like cleaning up around the house, which she doesn’t do. At all. And the other thing is calling my doctors and the insurance, to help with making appointments and finding out information I need to know. She just won’t do it. When I ask her to sometimes she’ll almost ask why I can’t do it. I do everything else, why can’t you take fifteen minutes a week and call people? I ended up taking over the doctor’s appointments things because she’d never do it.

And I don’t need anyone telling me “you’re 23 do it yourself.” The whole point is she’s supposed to be helping me. I can obviously do it myself, since I’m doing it. But I want someone else to because it takes all my time and energy just to do school right now. I used to clean the whole house too, when she wouldn’t do a freaking thing, but I can’t so much now that I’ve got problems with my wrist. I can’t say anything to her though. She gets offended, won’t listen to me, and acts like I’m a 4 year old criticizing her for things I don’t understand when I’m 23 and I’m doing the things I’m criticizing her for not doing. It’s so frustrating and I want to scream at her. Which is the most 4 year old reaction I have in this situation, but even then I don’t scream at her cause it’s pointless and I always have a headache now.

And my brother is a moron. He can’t do anything. He literally never does the dishes, never cleans up after himself, his room looks like a pit, and he’s acting like a failure. And he thinks all this stuff about himself but won’t listen when my family tells him we don’t believe he’s actually like this as a person. He used to clean, his room used to be mostly spotless, he used to do more. But he fell into lazy habits and is too lazy and afraid to start doing anything again. But I can’t say anything because I don’t know how to say something without hurting his feelings, so I just don’t say anything. It’s not even worth it because he won’t listen to me ever. The only person my mom and brother listen to is my dad. And then they bitch about it.

I feel sorry for my dad. My mom acts like an idiot, says she’s acting like an idiot and needs to change, and then doesn’t. My brother does the same thing. And I’m stuck in a situation where I need help, I ask for help, and no one helps me. I’m having so many frustrated, angry, hopeless feelings, and I told my dad and he told me to suck it up cause he’s doing all he can to make a real difference and I just need to be patient. Except I think the problem is I don’t get to be honest with anyone and see it make a difference, so it all stays bottled up inside and is eating away at the peaceful parts of my brain. It’s gonna leave a fury infested zombie in its wake.

I think this has helped a little. Which is the goal of a badly named secret blog like this. I need it to go somewhere, and I can’t yell at the people who are infuriating me because I know it’s unfair. There are certain things that were never answered for in my childhood/teen years that I think I’ll never get to deal with because my family is too much of a big baby to deal with it at the moment, and I’m not ready to let go of it yet because I don’t feel like I was ever thanked or apologized to for it, and at 23 I’m not worrying about letting it go. I can’t force myself to do it. It’ll happen when i’m ready to do it. But for right now, I’m frustrated because the same things are happening and I haven’t seen any changes. Top that with daily migraines and back pain and cramps and mood issues from the chronic migraines and whatever this other piece of crap illness is, and I can’t control how I feel. 

Not as much as I need to, at least. So I’m avoiding. I want to do yoga. I’m starting to make smoothies. I’m hiding in my room when I don’t want to approach anyone. These may not be the best tactics, but they’re the only things that are working for me right now. I’ll just hide in my room and work on projects until summer is here, and then I’ll also hide in the garage and work on projects until next year when we will finally move to a new house and I have been promised a guest house to renovate and take for my own. I’m gonna try and negotiate for a guest house and a MIL suite so that if my grandma needs to move in sooner, which is what the guest house is for long term, she can and I can still have my peace. 

Is anyone ever on so many meds they don’t want to take more? I don’t want to take more for my unexplained anger, and partial anxiety. I’ve been on something since I was 14. I can’t even math but that’s like 9 years now? Now I take 15 pills a day for various supplements and vitamins and migraine preventatives and what have you. Plus an ass shot every 3 months that is much fun for my butt cheek. It can get sore enough that I can limp for a couple of days. But even with this I still have daily migraines, ongoing womanhood problems, and my knee and wrist have been killing me. An old injury plus carpal tunnel running in the family? What a great mix for the coldest winter in forever. I’m gonna get more meds, for my joints, my head, my entire body, and it will all do nothing. And I’ll have to swallow 15 more pills to feel....exactly the same. The vitamins are at least doing something. I’ve had a piercing that healed, got injured, then didn’t heal for at least a year that is now actually doing fine. The skin is still getting stuck to it but showering helps clean up daily gunk and it doesn’t look like an open wound for the first time in forever, and it doesn’t hurt every time I touch it. I never took it out because I didn’t want to get a cyst from an open infection closing over.

This is like the dumbest stuff that I don’t get to talk to anyone about. Except my boyfriend, but I complain to him literally all the time and I want that to stop, so hopefully I can manage that sometime soon. Maybe if I get to keep up with this lame blog/journal it’ll make a difference. Also, I’m getting the weirdest smell just sitting at my computer chair, but I literally cannot tell what it’s coming from. Isn’t that so annoying?

I’m sitting at my computer desk, freezing to death. I have a tiny space heater but I swear the cold leeches in through the walls, and breezes in through the windows. It’s like it was built before they knew what insulation was. Which is possible but I don’t think that’s true. I can literally feel wind coming in through my windows. I am also wearing a tank top though, and I’m too tired/exhausted/lazy to grab my sweater from off the floor. I’ll get there soon. My head hurts so much. I’m barely into my homework and it’s due at 11:59pm (9:09pm and counting rn). I  could go into some useless rant about myself and how useless I am, but literally everyone else does this with their homework so I think I can give myself a break. Not if I turn it in late though!

I have a 4.0. I want to keep it. No one else cares that I have a 4.0, except for some random teachers. It’s like other students get offended that I have it, and try to act like it’s not a big deal when they don’t have one. If it’s not a big deal then why don’t you have one? Riddle me that. I think the answer is it’s not really that special, but it means I have more dedication to getting that grade than they do. And I never brag about it, so it annoys the bejeezus out of me that everybody is such a dick about it. I don’t think I’m better than my friends because of it, but I do think I work harder at school because of it. They’re fine with openly admitting that I’m not better than them, but won’t even admit that I work harder at school. I’m not even saying they don’t work hard at anything! I know some of them work harder at home, and their own projects outside of school, and their actual job. I even say that when it comes up, but it still turns into “insult angrypainedblogger” time. What a joke.

People say I’m humble, and I think I am because I care too much what everyone thinks. I don’t even actually care what they think, but I honestly get so tired of being attacked by everyone everyday for the things that I do that I just don’t bring stuff up because I’ve learned if you don’t talk about it, they won’t talk about it, which means they won’t insult you because they feel like crappy people when you point out you got accolades they didn’t. I hate that whole circular way of thinking. It’s dumb. 

My head still hurts and I’m tracing a photoshop path. It’s not the best thing in the world, but it’s something I’m good at. I enjoy it in my own way, but the headache makes it slightly terrible. I want more hot tea, but the more I drink the more I have to pee. Badly. It’s quite annoying, and I don’t think anything I do will help this issue. I need to finish this project soon though cause it’s 9:33 pm now, and I still wanted to make smoothies tonight, for breakfast. I’m gonna put them in mason jars and freeze them. When I did this with ziploc plastic containers I could just move them from the freezer to the fridge the night before, and when I woke up I’d have a nice smoothie, with the perfect consistency. I like smoothies.

I’m literally listening to my mom eating ice cream and yelling at the tv, like it can hear her, instead of doing something. Again, this wouldn’t be so frustrating if she would just do something. Ever. But she spends all her time watching tv. And eating. There’s so much she could be doing, yet here we are.

I hate that pop is demonized by everyone now. Yes it’s empty calories, so much sugar, bleh bleh bleh. I like drinking it. I don’t want to drink 3 cans a day, but I like it. It tastes good. I like the feeling of the carbonation on my tongue. And drinking seltzer water, or whatever you happen to call it, tastes like vomit. It doesn’t give me the same feeling when what I would like to do is immediately spit it out of my mouth because it tastes god awful. There’s a reason pop has so much sugar.

I’d like to start doing yoga, but I find it difficult to find the time where people won’t bother me. Does anyone have this problem? I get the feeling if my parents heard any noise coming from my room when the door is closed they would immediately annoy me. “What are you doing?” do you really need to know? I’m not gonna be making drugs in my bedroom. It’s not very practical. And it’s not like I’d be making noises loud enough for them to be concerned. They’re just nosy. 

Why do people make it hard and embarrassing to start something that’s good for yourself? I get met with scrutiny and scorn. Smoothies, healthy diet choices, counseling, yoga. Everything. I long for the day I can start doing something, and have no one ask what I’m doing in order to then attack what I’m doing. I bet even if I move from my parents into a guest house or whatever with the BF, he will just ask what I’m doing because he just wants to know. What a novel idea.

Can I get into petty things that annoy me? Of course I can, it’s my blog. My mother (and brother sometimes) blow their nose SO loudly. And constantly. Like every 30 seconds. They’ll do it for like 15 minutes at a time. This is petty because clearly something in their nose is bothering them, but my goodness I want to throttle them when they do it. You can hear it everywhere in the house. Everywhere. Which is more of a testament to how thin the walls are than how loud that noise is. 

And my mom sneezes so loudly. She obnoxiously says ACHOO every time, whole body works type deal. I can understand needing to sneeze as well, but we all know it’s not an involuntary reflex to scream ACHOOOOOO at the top of your lungs whenever you sneeze. And it sounds violent, too. Not a cartoon character ‘achoo’, but a loud, shrieky ATCH-OOOO. So petty, such unnecessary frustrations, but I can’t stop them.

Whenever I do enough art work I end up getting this really sharp pain in the middle of my shoulder blades, right underneath my neck. I’m assuming I’m crouching too much, but I don’t know how to not crouch. It’s an issue. Also, it’s 11:03 so I need to get a workin’.

It is now 12:24, and I turned in my assignment late. I’m really hoping he understands, since it was only by like 20 minutes, and he is a nice teacher, but the truth is I get anxious about this stuff really easily, even when I tell people I’m not worried. I’m sure he’ll give me the full points, since he won’t even get to it for another few days, but if he asks I’ll probably tell him about the headache I’ve had all day. Which naproxen did not help at all. 

Either way the teacher is a really nice guy, and I don’t think he’ll actually make a big deal out of 20 minutes. He’ll just appreciate that I did the assignment thoroughly. I’m good at coming up with excuses though, even though I don’t want to be. I don’t like making excuses, I’m just good at coming up with them.

My mom managed to hurt herself again. I can’t explain how often she stubs her toe, or bangs her elbow, and reacts so badly to it. It’s another petty pet peeve of mine, but she’s such a crybaby. Like, do you really have to scream because you got splattered with hot oil? I want to scream at you for never being able to be a normal volume, and yet I don’t because I realize it’s stupid.

At this point I have to get up in 7 hours and I’m tired anyway, so I’m going to stop this very long winded rant. Hopefully no one I know finds out about this secret blog, because clearly it’s not saying nice things about everyone, but just in case I’m going to leave names and stuff out. I don’t know if I’m looking for the validation of even some random stranger on the internet reading my feelings. I like the attention, like anyone, but I feel like this is all more about saying everything I can’t say because of the repercussions. I don’t actually want to hurt my family’s feelings, but I’m going crazy because I never get time away from them. If you can try to, random internet stranger, understand my frustrations, at least for a second. If you want to you should even share your own in my ask box. At least then we can be angry together. 

[akrbinc]

That thing I always tried to avoid

So the other day, I woke up fine. When I left our unit, I felt a weird headache. I thought it might be because I only slept for about 3 hours because I woke up at 3:45 AM because my room mate was still awake and laughing, shouting whatevs. But something else woke me up that time, it was stomach pain. So I went to do my business and I knew my poop wasn't normal. So there nga, the next day, I woke up. I even snoozed because I got puyat nga because of asshole roommate. Then I went to school, head was throbbing the whole time. When I got back to our unit, I tried to finish some work muna but then I decided to stop because I was starting to get silaw and duling for whatever reason so I decided to go to bed and try to bawi some sleep. I can't sleep and I was still getting cross-eyed. Night time came and I went to the toilet, I was salivating na— a signal to vomit. But I was able to hold it in pa. Then I tried eating Goya twisted snack thing and drinking water. That did not help. So I rushed to toilet, I was staring at the toilet bowl and told my self, although I hate it, I need to vomit because my body wants to reject something. So there, I vomited twice. I was feeling a little better so I decided to go down to buy Biogesic and Gatorade, also food. So as I was on the elevator, it felt nauseous but I had to deal with it. So there, I bought Biogesic from the tindahan and went inside the mall to buy Gatorade from Hypermarket. The line was soooo long I was about to faint but I endured it naman. After that, I went to Mcdo because Madir and Nesan told me to buy something that's not oily. So I went for the creamy mushroom steak. Then I went upstairs na. Ayayay. One bite into the steak and my gag reflex was acting up. I did my best to fight it. Then came the third bite, I rushed into the toilet and vomited again. That time, I understood the words "bumaliktad ang simura." Girl, it felt that way. Ny stonach was shaking and it felt like sonething from inside is scooping all my organs. Fortunately, after that, I felt like eating for real na so I finished the mushroom steak as fast as I could before ny tummy decides to act up on thr acid again. So there na nga. Luckily, I did not have prof for the class the next day so I had time to rest at the condo. I felt better. However, although the headache is calmer now, I can still feel it in its exact place— my left eye. Turns out, I've been having cluster headache. Ugh! I don't know with my delf anymore. I can't enjot food the way I used to. It's been like this for months na. Although I've been eating na, I don't enjoy food to the fullest anymore and it makes me sad because I've always had this thing for food. Not only that, but recently, I feel like throwing up the food I eat which is weird. Maybe I should buy myself spicy fried chicken from Jollibee. Also tried to swim today but the headache got in the way so I washed up right away. Anyway, I should sleep because I only have 6 hours of sleep IF I sleep right away. Ugh! I want to sleep naaa P.S I think headache is because of my eyesight also. Yup. That is definitely one factor.

[shytiff]

Small Nov Wins

1 - cant bring myself to study, got out of bed 10:30-ish am. While lazing around i read royal servant and do random internet stuff and watched romee's vlogs. Ate breakfast and i somehow has no appetite?? This is rare. e, cicil kompre began at 15:30 pm (i know, i waste my time a lot). Pengumuman wahana mpi wow yay kalideres makara and budi asih

2 - the weather was pleasantly cloudy. poli anestesi anak, simul. went to what used to be calais, its called flavola now. at this point i quite need some calories because i only ate bubur ayam and its like 2-3 pm ish. Eventually the hunger is gone, arrived home at about 4-ish, drank protein to curb my hunger (nanggung dinner). dad said sumn that annoyed me so after maghrib i just lazed in bed, not feeling like doing anything (even though there’s lots of exams and hw lmao), fell asleep

3 - woke up at 2 am, prated, randomly searched for angel - chancellor and taeyeon’s lyrics and i basically wept at 4 am. i assumed the song was just like,,, a guy talking to a girl, his angel, you know. EXCEPT,,,,,,,,. the 2 MVs was also rly222 beautiful 🥺. Poli geriatri today, didnt even see patient because there was no more at that time (status salin nadia). ate ichiban salad (surprisingly quite good) at dm bcs i rly do be functioning better outdoors, made matcha latte with full cream milk ((powder)), cicil PT

4 - can finally wake up late. finished 1 sitasi pt, made ikk ppt, bujing lina called about diarrhea and nausea meds, laddered the leader for tomorrow’s exam and it,, was,,, me,, group call with shiko. frantically studied for EA

5 - PT (finished in 45 mins), simul as a leader, with STEMI, VF and hypoglycemia case. somehow made it through. i suck at dosages omggg. PP by car with mom (not rly that tired) but i SLEPT after i got home and had no mood to study helpppp

6 - did my first swab test today. i pushed the doctors hand when she’s doing oropharyngeal swab im sorryyyy 😂. slept. matcha. cicil kompre

7 - still havent finished ikk (deadline: today), and still havent studied for geri and ikk AND i still managed to take a nap. why. Read a bit of kompre. Not sleepy after matcha, but insted i reread bj alex and tsubaki chou lonely planet until 2 am the next day #rippriorities

8 - im having matcha latte seven days in a row as of today :))))) woke up at 10:30 am, went to flavola with atikah and got strawberry yakult (tasted like es mony), arrived home at abt 7-ish am and there no dinner, so i drank protein and ate japota honey butter. My breakfast was chicken porridge, so my diet is sooo liquid today. Rip proper nutrition (ate buryam, lumpia, japota for the whole day and drank 3 beverage). Cicil kompre and studied geri

9 - suma geri, slept, cicil kompre, ny head kind of hurts

10 - my head still hurts, suma ikk with dr herqu and dr retno, didnt take swab result by car because the TRAFFIC in soetta so my brother took it. Thankfully negative.

11 - lulus kompre alhamdulillah, the examiner were Prof Saptawati and dr. Dani from THT. Dr dani still remembered me :"") they were very kind. Went to tamel for first wahana: klinik makara UI. Picked up masker first at mahmudas place, and then went to depok. On the way i was interviewed by maba 2020 wtf im so old. Cleaned up my room with the fam, printed sumn in barel (its quite empty there)

12 - first day at klinik makara ui. i WALKED. such wow. fixed my shoes in kutek. had breakfast in barel and bahari for lunch-dinner. somehow i felt very drained. bought Dapur Alya (nutella and regal) and 2 salads from Salad Point since there was 11.11 promo. Put all of them in the fridge. Read Fools and its sooo good omg

13 - had salad and left over bahari rice for brekkie. went to clinic by grabbike :)))), had my first teleconsultation experience today, a chemical trauma case. suma ea with the help of shiko

14 - woke up at 5:20 ish and i jogged a bit at ui lmaoo. fisip - ft - fisip. By 6:30 im already back at my room. 1 hour can be spent a lot of different ways, it turns out. Washed my clothes. Ate monstercheese pizza. Slept a bit. Went to blok m with ara (she was late as always, surprised her with koi milk tea), ate futago ya (greasy cheesy milky goodness, enak tapi eneg afterwards), bought red bean bread at la mouette, bought discounted onigiri bento box at papaya. We went to m bloc space, looked around, ate gelato at kebunide (blueberry: yum, fresh, kiiinda feels artificial, salted caramel: delicious but makes me thirsty) and did photobox at connectoon. Walked to mrt asean but turns out!! for weekends mrt is closed at 8pm. Took grabbike to sudirman, seeing the pretty city and people just hanging out, playing skateboards on the wide sidewalks.

15 - planned to go jogging with salemba frens but i woke up late (06:45), so i just lazed around. Ate onigiri bento (super worth it for 25k for the proteins), fell asleep again 10ish to 14:30 lmaoo. The doms from yesterday was present even on the right side of my lower back 🙂 the red bean bread made me feel full, and the red bean was not too sweet, which i love. Reviewed some meshwork materials i missed. Fianti called and we talked abt her and hari

16 - had mujigae for sahur and fish bite for iftar. The fish was not as soft as fish streat, but the flour was definitely better and crunchy. But it doesnt have the seasoning micin like fish streat do. The pasta was quite a lot im in food coma afterwards. Fell asleep, and my stomach was so gassy that i woke up in the middle with a headache that does not play around. Fortunately it dissapeared in the morning

17 - breakfast is rice kimchi and abon lmaoo just pretend it makes sense. The scrubs i ordered finally arrived. I fell asleep AGAIN, WHYYYY. Lost my streak in DL, i guess i can stop using it for now.

18 - finished reading blood link, girlll i thought the human died at the end. Did not buy food today wow. Took a nap and cicil kompre.

19 - brekkie at barel. Helped measuring antropometry today at clinic, and also measured my own. The fucked up thing was that i THOUGHT my body fat is still at 28% compared to the past (dr rina's research). So i looked at the old paper AND. I USED TO HAVE. 35% FAT 🙂 even my memories are in denial and are fooling me. All this time i thought i was at 28 🙂 did swab at rsui. The one swabbing was from fkui 2012 and we had small talk. It hurted more than lmk :( now this does feel like drowning in water (cause before i said "nah its not like water in nose"). Took angkot back to tamel, bought piscok lumer pocin and its soooo gooood ugh

20 - i feel like if i have breakfast with leftover rice and abon and sozzis i get hungry faster lmaoo. Ordered ken karaage from kukusan, yaa okela for 25k with ongkir. Did online posbindu education through wa. BTS BE COMEBACK 🥺 i maximized my wifi time (no wifi at tamel) so i listened to the whole album. My mobile data is at 200MB lol. Read a good longreads from the atlantic, about down synd and genetic screening. The writing is so so good im just blown away. And teary eyed.

21 - ran a bit, solid class (gastro, rheum, infection), embryo, webinar about sleep by dr Gita Anindyajati, SpKJ, bought ayam geprek gold chick (lotsss of oil since i ordered tempe, jamur, egg, bought pop cookies. matcha cheese was actually better than i expected (the combination somehow fits), dark chocolate and marshmallow is very chocolatey like mom’s brownies, and vegan strawberry cookie with a hint of mint. i wonder how they replace the egg. I wonder why after i run i dont feel hungry for a moment. bloating just gooes away

22 - joined kris' healthy weekly event (lmao) in tamsur. They went to epiwalk first. Its difficult for me to run w mask, ngl. Went back to tamel, embryo, ate leftover meal from gold and chick, felt somehow drained to the bone so i just laid in bed and lazed and lazed. Theres no soreness, but the weakness was generalized lmao. Ordered bbq chicken almond salad from salad point, it was actually quite fulfilling and delishhh (added chili sauce to the dressing). Literally laid in bed from 7 until i fell asleep and woke up at 6 the next day. Finished readin shame application lmao

23 - i still feel tired ckckck. No doms, but i feel like i just want to lay down. got DV patient today at clinic, its most likely derm numularis??? Ate salad and dark choco marshmallow cookies in the evening and that cookie. Is so damn sweet im just thinking about the increase in my blood sugar. And i like sweets so!!! Never thought id find sumn too sweet. Washed my clothes and cicil ukmppd (i put things about studying ukmppd in habitica now)

24 - ate tanoshi sushi and ufo ramen for bfast, ate the sushi again for lunch and after waking up from my sleep i tried kokku ramen (so so, but the egg yolk's good)

25 - bfast: superbubur, protein shake and cookies. (did not make me feel full long enough). Ordered burger from EATG (so so, burger bener is better) for lunch. Last day at makara ui. Ara arrived coz shes staying here in tamel. Waiting for mom to arrive from cibubur, she arrived at about 20:30. I passed out at home

26 - first day in pkm kalideres, i volunteered to be pj to avoid RSUD. my room is a mess, i feel tired after i go back. maybe its the physical withdrawal (?) because i dont walk like when im on klinik makara. came to pkm thinking i wont do anything (orientation only) but the 6 of us ended up going. i was at igd. i saw nail extraction and injected ats for another patient 

27 - talked for almost an hour with the doctor at poli lansia. went home, felt sooo tired, i slept and actually showered after maghrib. originally planned to go to sbux but i was just tired af. my mood was horrible at home. 

28 - turns out i started my period today. i havent studied at all during pkm kalideres era. embryo. slept again. read some manga by nishin something with the psychological and BL genre. 

29 - embryo. cut my hair, showered, and felt better. fell asleep on dr gita's lecture. Drank cimory banana milk with a bit of matcha powder. I dont know if its the sleep, or a bit of caffeine, but my mood feels better and im more awake. Cicil ukmppd with a slow pace. Read itasaku ff. Slept at about 2 am

30 - surprisingly, i dont feel sleepy when i wake up. poli anak today, surprisingly i got perinatology case (jaundice). presented it on pleno. for bfast i ate 3 slice of bread (2 with meat and cheese, 1 choco and cheese) and protein shake, lunch: a slice of choco cheese bread and a banana, fell asleep, dinner: 1 bakwan, a banana and nextar. i can feel that the calories i got today is even less than what i usually got (and usually i already try to limit calories that i am counting the intake amout and made sure im not too far from my bmr lmaoo (~1100)

[worldpackingcanuck]

If there is something that most of my trips have in common, it’s hiking. Whether it’s a one or a multiple-day hike, I always enjoy the challenge of going up a mountain. Being from South America, many of my hikes have involved climbing in altitude, and I’ve always passed the test with flying colors, getting to destination without any issues.

That is until I got to Huaraz.

My previous experiences with hiking at a high altitude include a 4-day trek of the Inca Trail in Peru (4215 meters at its highest point) and a one-day hike of the Cotopaxi volcano in Ecuador (5897 meters high). I have also had plenty of time in Puno (3810 meters high) and Arequipa while doing a small hike in the Colca Canyon (3650 meters high).

Plenty of experience right??? That’s what I thought as well…and I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Why I Chose Huaraz

I love Peru. As one of the countries I grew up in, my goal is to see as much as I can of this beautiful country.

Having visited many of the most popular Peruvian cities in previous trips, I did not want to do a repeat. So I looked at a map and good ol’ trusty Google for pictures, and everything lead me to Huaraz.

Huaraz sits at over 3000 meters above sea level. From the city, one can see its snow-capped peaks, forming what is known as the Cordillera Blanca (white mountain range). Although nothing spectacular, the small welcoming city of Huaraz is great for travelers who want to get out of the beaten path. It is a trekking city, so anyone looking for a huge party scene may be a bit disappointed. All treks start quite early in the morning, and not many people will stay up or out until very late at night.

Huaraz Plaza de Armas

So, this being a trekking city, I looked for treks to do and stumbled upon one which seemed challenging enough. Even though I had only arrived to the city that day, I booked a trek for the following day. I remember asking myself, “how bad could it be?”

How Bad Could it Be

I booked a trek to go to Laguna 69.

Before your mind wanders off too far, the lake was named as such due to the need to give all lakes a name. There are over 400 lakes forming the Huascarán National Park, and eventually authorities had to give number-based names to lakes which were left without a name. Laguna 69 is one of the most popular tourist attraction in the region.

An Early Start

All treks to Laguna 69 start with a hotel pick-up at 5:00AM.  If you’re anything like me, you left everything to do right before departing, which meant having to wake up at 4:15AM to get prepared.

The day started quite nice, with a 3 hour bus ride including a stop for breakfast at a little place among the mountains at 7:00AM. As we continued on the road and as the fog started to clear, I could not help but notice that the clouds in the sky seemed to get closer and closer. Since we left Huaraz at 5:00AM, WE HAVE NOT STOPPED GOING UP!!!

The city of Huaraz sits at just over 3000 meters above sea level. The departing point, Cebolla Pampa, sits at 3900 meters, and Laguna 69 is at a bit over 4600 meters!!! This was going to be quite the trek.

Going Up

We started the hike on flat land, walking besides rivers, cows, and red trees reminiscent of a fairy tale. Mountains covered by clouds on one end, and green as the eye could see on another. Even though we were already in high altitude, the first few minutes were not very challenging. So much so that I foolishly thought, “this ain’t so bad!!!”

“This ain’t so bad” that I rushed through the 30 minute part that was the flat area of the hike.

But then, the hard part began…

The thing with altitude is that, the highest you go, the less oxygen there is. The less oxygen there is, the more your lungs will make an effort to get the same amount of oxygen they need and normally get. And the more effort your lungs make, the more tired you get.

Now imagine all of that, while actually walking up a mountain. My body got so weak with each step I took. “Baby steps” I recall telling myself, “baby steps”.

As I kept walking, the trail continued on its endless way up, zigzagging as if only to mock me about having to go a few steps backwards every now and then, even if still upwards. The view of the mountains surrounding me was a soothing sight, with two waterfalls on my left, and one on my right.

Mother Nature has a weird sense of humor. She is capable of creating the most beautiful things, while creating such havoc at the same time. As if the altitude wasn’t enough, she decides to send us fog and rain. At that time, not only was the mountain air cold (it was about 10 degrees C), but adding cold rain and wind only made the hike much worst, and getting to the top from that moment on was SO. MUCH. HARDER!!!

The Higher We Went

The mountain continued getting steeper and steeper. All I could see was vertical climbing in front of me.

As I struggled to walk between fog and rain, I hear a loud beating noise. Tum-Tum, Tum-Tum, Tum-Tum. “What the heck is that???”, I keep walking… Seconds later, same noise, this time louder, TUM-TUM!, TUM-TUM!, TUM-TUM! Not knowing what to make of it, I walk faster. As I am completely out of breath, I hear again TUMTUMTUMTUMTUMTUM and I feel realize the noise came from inside of my body…..IT WAS MY FREAKING HEART! Beating like crazy!!!

Thinking I was about to get an overly dramatic heart attack (one of those where you think you’re getting a heart attack, and you act as if it was a heart attack, but it is not a heart attack), I stop to catch my breath. From then on everything got harder; every step demanded so much energy, every small jump demanded so much concentration so that I don’t fall and kill myself. The idea of lying down on the ground and remaining in fetal position until someone carried me to the top was something I was seriously considering.

Then finally, a break. With all the strength in my being I finally get to what seemed the top of the mountain, and I see flat land and one of my guides sitting down, eating, waiting for me… Almost mockingly, he says, “I was waiting for you to get here. Since it was taking a bit long, I decided to start eating”…he had an almost empty plate. Then he says to me, “one more hour to go”…I was nowhere near the end of my misery.

One Last Effort

I continued ahead, leaving my guide behind, looking to get some stamina back during the next 15 minutes of flat road before the last 45 going up. On the way little I crossed a girl from France, who was so ecstatic to be able to speak French that she would not stop talking to me.

Now look, I am normally quite a social person and very open to talking to new people. But at over 4000 meters where oxygen is a luxury I did not have, my answers were reduced to yes, no, and the occasional nod. Yes, I was very short on conversation and maybe a bit too serious…but thinking that my next breath could be my last, I did not want to spend it answering those questions you ask when you meet a new traveler :s

On the last stretch up, the road became harder, rocks everywhere. I was still on baby-steps, dragging my feet one in front of the other, hardly able to breathe, having to stop every 2 minutes for 30 seconds. The way up still zig-zagging, I see a shortcut between some rocks and I take it. Once I got to the top and stopped, I was ready to vomit my heart and lungs. I got extremely dizzy, so much that I couldn’t move.

But I was almost at the top, it was not time to give up. People had started to come down from the lake, and encouragingly said that I was almost there.

On the way up, I passed people sitting down, almost in the same situation as me, but worst. The road up was a battlefield, with bodies left and right. The altitude of the mountain had left some casualties, some which did not see the challenge through until the end.

After almost giving up, I finally arrive at the lake 3.5 hours after the start, and it was ONE OF THE MOST IMPRESSIVE SIGHTS I’VE EVER SEEN!!! The mountains surrounding the clear blue water, the snow capped mountains, the fresh air, the clouds so low I felt I could touch them by simply reaching up…everything was perfect.

Short-Lived Victory

I took many pictures, selfies, ate, rejoiced in my own personal victory. My legs, specially my knees, were in so much pain, but that didn’t matter, I was on top of the world, until I heard: “we start going down guys”.

The way down was just as painful as the way up; with every step down, the weight of my body on my knees felt like a hit with a hammer. My legs couldn’t do it anymore, but there was no other choice…all I could think of was the nap I would have once back at the hostel. Midway down a headache settles in, one so big it would follow me all the way to the bus and beyond.

The Next Day

If I could describe the next day in one word, it would be PAIN. I woke up at 7:00AM, legs were in pain, battered, feet felt worst, head felt horrible too.

The day was awful, going to get food was painful on my entire body and just sitting down on the toilet was an adventure for my legs. The headache persisted and resisted all I threw at it. Tylenols, coca-tea, caffeine; you name it, I did it, and yet the headache stayed for the rest of the day. I stayed in bed for over 12 hours on that day, feeling sick, cold and in pain…

Freaking altitude

Trekking is hard, trekking in altitude is plain abuse. There are many great hikes out there (and up there), and although many are a hard challenge, the feeling of reward once the destination is reached make the pain all worth it. What is the hardest trek you’ve ever done?

Huaraz – The Time Altitude Kicked My Butt If there is something that most of my trips have in common, it's hiking. Whether it's a one or a multiple-day hike, I always enjoy the challenge of going up a mountain.