#but anyway. idk what made me get side tracked into those 2 specific things lmao

[chqnified]

For no reason whatsoever, my field of random studies today have been computer viruses and the development of the frontal lobe

[rupertgayesarchive]

“i think sam would still have his visions, like you said, and then maybe those lead him to dean or to a case that dean is also on? or if angels are more well-known later on, he tracks one down, maybe cas, maybe not (if it's NOT and it's one that works on raphael's side. ohoho. the possibilities...)” YOU MADE ME SO ILL WITH THIS. this is the same anon as before I’m sorry for being like this. i don’t have a google doc open but you are going to convince me to do that unironically.

I think you might be right about the show being different completely if Sam was gone for years and the above quote made me so insane okay hear me out. I’m the gif of the man wildly gesturing at an investigative board right now. okay so in canon the apocalypse starts gearing up. well I mean that starts pre canon but in the context of the show I’d say around season 2 or maybe even 3? I think a lot of dean development regarding Sam happens in this seasons also. i think Gabriel could disappear Sam from THEN but it would be a little different cuz Sam at this point wouldn’t have a ‘normal’ life and is aware of the demon blood and feels inherently monstrous moreso than before so. maybe Gabriel would just stick him in a time loop because that’s just an easy way to keep him contained, but also Gabriel only did his other spike traps to teach the winchesters a lesson he felt would help work in his interest of stoping the apocalypse. and if sam was in a time loop like we saw he would try and get out of it which would mean more maintenance by Gabriel who I assume wants an unalarmed unaware Sam. hm. I think the funnest option here would literally just be he wipes Sam’s memory? like he returns Sam to factory settings and sticks him in one of his pocket dimensions. isont think HED put Sam back Stanford because Sam’s motivations have moved past compulsively wanting a normal life.. OKAY WAIT I just rewatched (sorry in advance I didn’t choose to be like this) s9 and the angel possessing Sam kept Sam locked in his mind by making him think he was on a hunt with dean. obviously Gabriel couldn’t do this cuz he’s not possessing Sam but he would throw Sam in a mundane pocket dimension for however long it takes to stop the apocalypse. so, maybe forever.

genuinely think it’d be so fun if Gabriel died or. wait if this is s6 cas could find him to ask for help against Raphael. i mean working under my previous assumption of Gabriel didn’t stop the apocalypse but just prolonged it leading to a s6 angel war type thing the specifics aren’t important I just want Cas to have some degree of girlboss lying and betraying. i think dean would assume Sam fucking died if he just vanished in s3 which is evil but I think it’d be fun that Sam comes back and dean doesn’t have the same degree or expectation of codepency anymore. like obviously not completely but in canon he did move on somewhat with Lisa and in this scenario it would be more healthy for dean I think because he’s not processing his grief out of obligation. I think Sam would come back and dean would revert immediately back to horribly adjusted before like eventually evening out.

i think it would be fun if Gabriel accidentally got caught up in whatever the fuck cas and or dean is doing which distracts him and Sam figures out what is happening. also it would be sooo fun to me if Sam literally just didn’t know several however many years had passed at this point. like he thinks it’s been a week and HE has discovered angels and is sorely disappointed he’s ready to be like DEAN the lore was wrong angels are evil. all this because... I think it’s fun but also because I think all of them taking pains to hide cas being an angel is hilarious and compelling. dean would probably like.. kind of encouragement through the agreement that angels are dicks after sam is caught up, AND LIKE YOU SAID. Sam should track down an angel who recognizes him and is on Raphael’s side and Sam wants information and is hostile but the angel recognizes him and . wait oh my god angel ruby. not.. not exactly like ruby but the archetype remains I think the angel would reluctantly convince Sam they could be useful and then just subtly manipulate Sam against Cas. like.. unwitting double agent is sooo fun to me. i don’t think the angel would mention cas by name immediately especially if Sam doesn’t know Cas is an angel, mostly because i want them to have the incredibly fun dynamic at first of Sam being just completely confused while Cas is amicable. but I do want Sam to be hostile to Cas sometime because that’s great, and additionally because it’s fun if whatever angel talking with Sam drops progressively larger implications about Cas which Sam just completely buys initially. but then he decides to start like.. talking with dean or bobby or whoever’s around. maybe even Cas. and realizing he’s being played on his own. mostly because I like characters having to admit to their faults but also because I think them deciding to go with the extremely ill advised plan of a triple cross is hilarious.

sorry this is so long and just an excuse for me wanting Sam to have to meet a somewhat less horribly adjusted dean who has like. actual friends and problems not intertwined directly with sam u know?

SORRY i completely lost track of stuff so I'm answering this Now:

anon please open a google doc this could be a really cool idea! i think i only have one series rewrite in me, hfym is IT you know? Anyway yes the idea of Gabe putting Sam in a pocket dimension or a time loop makes ME insane, I remember reading a really fucked up mystery spot au where Gabe accidentally forgot how long he left Sam in that loop and Sam like, lost it? So he shows up after 50,000 Tuesdays have passed or something insane like that. Anyhow I don't think it'd be as stagnant as that but if Sam did end up slowly realizing he was in like, some unreal environment? Maybe either his powers keep breaking through to show him events that he feel should be happening but they aren't? Like a vision about Jenny and her family in the Home ep in s1 but he can't actually get to his childhood home or a different family is in his childhood home? Weird shit like that. And maybe he ends up summoning or finding Gabriel to figure out what the FUCK is happening or another creature tunes into him if Gabriel isn't actively watching him.

Alternatively if you wanted to keep Sam around maybe like, he 'dies' in all hell breaks loose but when Dean sells his soul and Sam comes back Gabe snatches him up? So Dean thinks it was like, a trick or s/t... he tries to find Sam or get his soul back, ends up going to hell anyway, Cas saves him, Sam can't come to the phone rn so the apocalypse doesn't happen as it should... idk idk these are random ideas it's very hot here i can't think.

I also love the idea of another angel helping Sam and convincing him that Cas is the bad evil one that was leading Dean astray while Sam was out of commission that'd be SO fun. And yeah idk if the purgatory/souls thing would happen but angelic civil war is occurring, maybe said angel tries to kill Dean as a way to stop Cas and that's when Sam is like 'oh okay Cas is actually cool'. Maybe... a little pieta? as a treat? Cas cradling Dean's broken body openly crying over him (either dead or just gravely injured?) hm. love that. Sam just sees that sorta thing and is like 'Dean's gay?? is it gay if it's an angel?? Oh fuck I messed up huh' in that order lmao.

[oodlyenough]

aight... here’s a pretty long yet tip-of-the-iceberg collection on my overall thoughts on bl3 now that i’ve finished the damn thing, every main mission & every sidequest (dynasty dash don’t interact). 

obviously mega spoilers

the good

aside from that one infuriating difficulty spike when i arrived on promethea, i had a lot of fun playing. i found the gameplay a lot smoother than the others in the series (as it should be), i liked being able to climb stuff, i liked having an easy mode tbh!!

i really liked playing amara and i like the flexibility of action skills and being able to swap on the go without having to respec. the brawl tree ended up being very well suited to my type of play, it hindered me only during boss fights and even then at least i could switch to phasecast y’know

i had a lot of big fears about what this game would do and it managed to not do anything that makes me want to, like, burn and salt the earth, so that’s a win

i thought it was pretty funny! or at least on par with the other main games, which always kind of ride the line between funny and obnoxious and sometimes misstep

i enjoyed a lot of the cast, both new characters and characters who were returning but who i had no particular feelings about before, hammerlock, zer0 and ellie as particular examples

hammerlock and wainwright were cute af and it’s nice to see a gay couple in a triple-a game 

thought the twins were fun and funny af i liked them. because fandom is Like That i was a little exhausted by troy before he even showed up but even then, like, idk i liked them as a duo and i liked the break from jack honestly 

a lot of the new gun quirks were fun. i’m not like a big... gun person... but i found some cool ones i enjoyed playing with. 

loved getting to see different planets, it was a nice break from pandora all the time. and skywell was super fun! love the low-grav playfulness from TPS without the infuriating oz kit nonsense

the little quality of life improvements from previous games were great, like fast travel from anywhere, auto-refilling ammo, etc

some of the side quests were really fun. i liked the ratch quest for rhys, the birthday party quest for mordecai, the claptrap dancing quest was sweet, the buff movie buff quest was fun, the quest where i killed grandpappy 2 seconds in and got a reward was funny as hell esp because i drove off a cliff by accident, etc

lots of people had really bad glitches and stuff but... honestly can’t relate the game ran very well for me. advantages to not marathoning it before they’ve released their first couple patches, i guess, lol 

the less good

i played a solo amara and there are some bosses that seem like they would’ve been pure hell to do alone... i was lucky and able to phone a friend for a lifeline in those scenarios (shoutout to @heavybreathingcatt and @valoscope) but if i couldn’t do that idk i would’ve just broken my controller in rage i guess lmao 

why is resurrecting each other so hard? i don’t think i’ve ever done it successfully, because it takes too long and more importantly bc while i’m doing it some enemy will just toss a grenade or punch me and i get knocked away from the ally, rendering it useless

rest in peace maya, the best res AI in the whole damn game, got me through the rampager fight her damn self

there were a lot of characters and themes and ideas that i liked in theory more than in practice... because in practice they felt like a first draft. very often i felt like i liked a thing, and then on reflection thought about nine hundred ways it could’ve been better, deeper, more emotionally resonant, more developed, whatever. 

the angel stuff was kinda nice but... also... my longest deepest sigh ever @ Poor Sad Jack Some People Terrorize Entire Planets And Abuse Their Daughters To Cope With Their Fridged Wife

like the siren lore... wish i coulda heard it without having to backtrack across every map post-game

while i found the game generally pretty funny,  almost all the emotional scenes fell completely flat for me and there were a number of scenes that SHOULD have been emotional that just were not 

for eg i am actually not upset about maya or lilith dying (or turning into the moon as it were) -- i am ok with those beats for those characters, especially lilith getting a heroic sendoff. however... both of those scenes could’ve been more impactful than they were. maya’s i think was better than lilith’s, but both of them felt flatter, either in the moment or in the aftermath, than those characters deserved. 

related: NPCs reacting to major events is fun. i liked to do the tour and check in with all my buds to get their couple custom lines after a big plot thing happened. HOWEVER... those lines are obviously timed which is *mostly* fine but in some cases really, really weird? the lines about maya should stay in rotation for a lot longer. ava shouldn’t go back to LOL LET’S STEAL two seconds after maya’s gone. i missed zer0′s maya lines entirely bc i didn’t track down zer0 on time lol. stuff like that 

the bad

i miss my girls :( we really did keep only the white men huh

the last act felt severely underbaked. i have to wonder how many rewrites this game went through, and how much the back end was slapped together last minute, or cobbled together from various drafts. a lot of this felt very first or second draft, where the characters and themes are *there* but not refined at all, or they contradict each other. the family theme that goes basically nowhere and says nothing. the way the story handles atlas vs the way the story handles jakobs vs the way the story handles corporations writ large. 

for the twins -- lack of proper emotional resonance or development for them is one of the biggest failures imo, because i think they WERE very enjoyable villains and the core concept of like... evil video game streamers is honestly on-brand and funny af for the franchise... but as soon as troy died everything went downhill? tyreen’s non-reaction to her brother dying isn’t even a reaction, it’s not even “tyreen doesn’t care she’s evil lol” which would’ve been a boring direction to take anyway) it’s just.... “we barely wrote a response don’t worry about it”. her endgame is to be a big monster because... she’s ... fame hungry? huh? her motivation fell apart.w whether they went with “troy and tyreen are shitty people who get caught up in a power struggle but ultimately love each other” OR “troy and tyreen are shitty people who turn against each other in individual bids for power” could both have been interesting stories but they did neither. 

i’m def missing some echos on the twins which brings me to another thing i hate although it’s endemic to the series and not to bl3 specifically -- hiding important lore and characterization in random echos in random places on the map without even an indication of how many there are total, how many you’ve collected, where to find them... frustrating as hell. a lot of those echos are some of my favourite material in the game! at LEAST tell me “1 of 5 echos on this map” if you don’t wanna tell me where they are! why is major lore like the twins’ backstories hidden?????? 

and bc i haven’t heard them i don’t know if it’s fandom doing what fandom always does, or if it really is the game implying tyreen is The Evil Mastermind and troy is poor manipulated brother, but either way fuck that entire noise lmao of course the women of colour in the series are just Born Evil but jack and troy and whoever else are just Sad :( fuck off actually 

typhon... sucks... what an irritating character. irritating to retcon him in as The First Vault Hunter, irritating to have him talk about shit and sex all the time, irritating to have every established NPC be like oh wow my HERO typhon deleon what a HERO i LOVE him, irritating that we skate over his parenting failures, irritating that he has a fridged beloved wife, ESPECIALLY irritating he gets a memorial sidequest and maya didn’t . just. bad.

aurelia is evil now cause reasons... bad... 

vaughn also bad lmao i can’t believe they made amara yell “blood feud”... disgusting... 

the playable had no role in the story. they’re just a fly on the wall in every cut scene. this is whack in general, and a crit i can apply to all of the main borderlands games, however it is extremely jarring to play amara in a siren-heavy game and have no one acknowledge it. 

OVERALL... I guess like a B-? Maybe a B. I had fun playing it and I’m still having fun running around in Mayhem Mode and I am def looking forward to the DLCs. Gameplay is great. But while I had hoped this installment would take the storytelling of the main games a step further, it actually felt like a step back in virtually every respect. 

[nokikissa]

Whooooooooo did it, beat the story of borderlands 3 now. It took me 42 hours but I think I got still like some of those fight wave of enemies arena things I could do but I’ll look into that later, I did all the crew challenges and side mission outside of those type of things.

Story and character wise it was a bit of a mixed bag, there were a lot of things I like and couple things I really didn’t like, but all in all I had fun, the gameplay was excellent, and most likely I will play it again, to co-op with buddies or to try out different vault hunters.

Putting more in-depth thoughts about some story and character things under the cut, extreme major spoiler warning as I’ll be talking about like big plot moments and such.

I quite like most of the new characters they introduced in this, I’ve only played Fl4k and loved them, but from everything I’ve seen I feel like I’ll love the other new vault hunters as well. The Calypso twins were delightful villains, very entertaining but also like I couldn’t wait to get to kill them lmao. And then there’s like Ava, I loved her and her relationship with Maya that was good stuff. And Wainwright I quite liked as well, and I was very happy that Hammerlock finally has a boyfriend and is in a good relationship. And also Lorelei and Clay were both good too, tho I probably like Lorelei more of those haha.

How it handled some old characters tho.... That’s a bit mixed. Like I liked a lot of them: Lilith, Eliie, Tannis, Maya, Zer0, Sir Hammerlock.... Even Rhys! They got Rhys down surprisingly well in my opinion! Obviously he was bit more comedic and doofy but like it was still reminiscent of how Rhys acted in like comedic moments of tales, I could recognize where they got his personality from and so on, it was fine!

...Which makes it even more baffling that they fucked up Vaughn so completely that with Vaughn it feels like the writer maybe got a super vague description of the character at best which had been passed down through multiple people twisting it around like a game of broken telephone. I just don’t understand where they pulled some character traits for him at all.... During the game I tried my best to ignore his existence, which worked well for a long while until the game made you go back to pandora and made him story relevant again, god every time he spoke my reaction was like “please shut up...”

But. I knew that was coming. The Commander Lilith DLC and promotional pics and so on made it clear ahead of time that I would not like Borderlands 3 Vaughn. I had had time to go through the stages of grief and resign to being all well I’m gonna be one of those salty tales fans and keep on drawing content of like tales Vaughn and ignore the rest of the canon for him.

So anyway I was really liking the story during like the Promethea Atlas Vs. Maliwan Arc actually, Rhys and Zer0 and their interactions were fun, Katagawa was an enjoyable villain as well, I just hope the fandom don’t make him annoying to me... So yeah that arc was good and fun.... and then the Promethea Vault happened. I am still a bit on the fence about how I feel about Maya getting killed off. On one hand, I did not see that coming and it did get an emotional “Nooo D:” reaction out of me, which well I’ve seen games with similar character getting killed off scenes that are supposed to be a big deal but my reaction is just like “ok”, like Borderlands 2 with Roland for example. But like yeah I didn’t want her to die, and it feels like kind of a waste cos let’s face it in 2 she didn’t have that much personality since the game didn’t do voice lines for the vault hunters reacting to the story etc. So now she was finally getting to be her own character I feel like aaaand then she dies. :/

And then we moved on to the Eden 6 arc and initially I was excited all Oh get to meet Hammerlock’s Boyfriend! But soon my excitement soured............

So Aurelia’s evil now huh.... And like cartoonishly evil...... Man I hate what they did with Aurelia in this game, it really smashed my good mood coming from the promethea arc to this.... Like in pre-sequel sure she kept claiming herself to be evil and a bitch and so on, but yet when Jack did like actually horrible shit she did not agree with those, she felt bad about Felicity’s fate and didn’t agree with Jack killing the scientist, she even objected when Jack was killing off all claptraps! But nah here’s she’s evil, murdering people left and right and also fucked Troy Calypso cos idk she evil now  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Like god............ I really didn’t expect Aurelia of all the characters whose portrayal I’d be having this much issues but here we are... I guess I’m more pissed about it atm cos as I said with Vaughn I knew what was coming, but with Aurelia I kinda feel Bait and switched by the promotional material cos in all of those that I saw they showed like both the Hammerlocks and Wainwright standing next to each other so you know I was expecting her to be an ally, like maybe she and Alistair had started to tolerate each other and so on but NOPE! Go kill this character you like! Thanks a lot gearbox...

That’s the major issues I had with characters I suppose, Tho it is a bit disappointed Maya and Zer0 were only vault hunters from 2 that showed up. Would’ve been fun to get more personality for more of them. I did find some echo logs involving Krieg at one point which were interesting, aaaand according to like the sort of background filler assets Axton does porn now lmao. Also hmm where were Athena and Janey? Fiona and Sasha? So many characters missing... I know they’ve said probably more characters show up in dlcs, but still. Story wise kinda funny tho, like did Lilith contact the vault hunters from 2 for help at all? Were all of them like “sry I’m busy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “??

Also one weird bit about the Eden 6 arc, it felt kiiinda out of place for borderlands that there were npcs being all “Oh man I sure love the Jakobs family they treat me well”, borderlands has sorta been all “the gun corporation suck” beforehand... I suppose the Promethea arc was bit too pro corporation in some way, but with that at least mostly the npc I saw were like “Rhys says he’s trying to do good with atlas... hm we shall see how that’ll pan out...” suspicion, but with the Jakob there were characters being all oh Jakobs is so great such good corporation :)

At the end side of the game you could get sooo much lore about like sirens which I loved, translating the eridian artifact things like clarified on like how sirens come to be and all which is great! According to that siren in her life can choose who specifically inherits her powers after she dies, or “release her powers into the unknown” which when described kinda gave me the impression that it’ll pass those onto some baby that’s born at some point, which yay clarification on the whole are sirens born as sirens or do they get their powers later: answer is both!

And it appears that Angel decided to pass her powers onto Tannis before she died? Which is interesting. And aw Maya chose Ava to inherit her powers.

That ending tho..... uhhh isn’t Elpis an inhabited place? How did that whole thing affect the people living on elpis lmao....?

And god that ending credits song, it is fitting but I just can’t take it seriously asfsfdggs...

i guess I’ll now move onto talking about the gameplay....

The gameplay was great. Same old Borderlands gameplay except with some improvements making it better, and that is exactly what I wanted from the game.

I especially love the way the guns are now and how much variety there is between the manufacturers, and even within them! Like previously I rarely liked to use shotguns in borderlands games, but in this one I fell in love specifically with the Maliwan Shockwave shotguns, and when one I had started to be too low leveled I desperately tried looking for new one everywhere lol.

And also Atlas gun’s smart bullet gimmick is so good especially now that I played on console, I know I joked about that before the game came out I’m sorry Rhys lol.

I really enjoyed the environments in the game, the planets looked cool and unique, and the maps were interesting. And god some of them are so huge! Which does cause some issue tho... They are weirdly stingy with ammo vending machines. In previous games they usually had ammo vending machines before like boss fight rooms, but in this one nope! Most of the time they only have those in like beginning of the map or like where fast travel points are? That’s annoying... And another issue is that the maps are big and sorta maze-like at times, so even though you have the mission marker in the mini map, I still needed to constantly open the map to see how to get to it, you can’t just go straight in the direction of the mission marker.

Gotta say, I was bit disappointed that we only visited Athenas to get Maya, I was hoping we’d return there cos the planet was very pretty but nope....

Fl4k’s gameplay was really fun, I got the skill that lets fl4ks pet heal you and man that skill is a lifesaver, there were some boss fights I survived purely because of Mr Chew keeping me alive by reviving me lol.

I did encounter few glitched that caused me to have to restart the game cos some mission objective got stuck somewhere and I couldn’t advance, that was a bit annoying. But it was only very few and like well into the game, compared to the hours I played it feels like a pretty good track record for playing a game right on it’s release haha.

So uh yeah. In summary again: Extremely fun gameplay, mixed bag story and characters. Had fun, will play again.

[asteria-rainbow]

Ascension Diary 1

I decided to keep a diary online to everything that's happening to me spiritually speaking during my ascension.

1. To keep some track

2. To express my emotions

3. To share it with whoever reads it

Going through the ascension and a spiritual awakening in general is a big deal, a lot of things gets stirred up and I think it's nice to talk about it and to be honest, I need it because I have too much to say.

Since october, as I was going about my ascension journey in a pretty fast pace but normal way, things got completely out of control.

I developped clairaudience/telepathy and clairsentience from last Mai and started using it on a daily basis. I already have clairvoyance but not as developped, I can see the astral realm, the energy floating around, I can get flashes, images, I can see lights of being floating around but I've never tried to open my third eye more specifically for clairvoyancd because I think it's a natural process and to rush it would be reckless.

But I focused a lot more on clairaudience (I will call it telepathy from now on) for a while and started communicating with guides and lightbeings and earth elementals and all sorts of energies, it was awesome !

However things got pretty messed up after a while.

I was attacked by many beings at once.

The thing is, I think for all those months the beings I was talking to that I considered my guides weren't all guides at all.

I was tricked. A classic.

I believed in a very naive way that I you have the "right" vibration, loving and open and light that what would come in return would be the same, if you have good intentions then it's alright. I tried not to be scared of the unknown too much even if I knew there were terrible stories but I tried not to think about them at all and start my ascension journey with an open mind.

I held on to my beliefs.

Yet it wasn't enough.

You see my body held karmic stuff that I didn't know about.

Actually in a parallel life (not past as I consider them simultaneous) I was tricked by a witch to do sex magic to turn into a portal to help very very low density beings to come into this dimension.

You fucking read it right.

I am not even kidding.

So the thing is, it was happening in let's say in the X life, and I am in the R life.

That life where the "main event" was happening had a ripple effect on my current life like a rock thrown in water.

So I relieved the same event at the same time.

Except, the witch in my present was actually my twinflame, a witch not incarnated from the 6th dimension that was living inside my own energy field.

(Did I think I would be discovering such things when I started meditating a year ago ? Fuck no.)

So the "story" repeated itself (more happened at the same time) where I got tricked by "guides" I don't know who the fuck they are to perform some "sex magic". (I don't even do real magic, never done a ritual or anything or maybe one when I was 13 but I always tried to stay away from magic because it doesn't interest me).

But I didn't even do real magic. And it was my own idea I once in july tried to use kundalini energy (sexual) to manifest something but it was like a try to see, and I did it ONCE. I followed a normal spiritual tutorial on how to do it I had no idea it would be considered sex magic and it wasn't weird or didn't include other beings.

ANYWAY.

My clairsentience got wild in october I started feeling my own auric field. I could feel my chakras and connect to energies of pretty much anything to get a feel of it I thought it was cool and tried to learn how to live with this. I could feel energy flowing in and out of me, from the crown to the bottom of my feet. My chakras rotating and opening.

I lived in the mountains and meditated 1-2 hours a day doing all sorts of fun things. I felt I was training since I wanted to become professional in spirituality I really wanted to get into it. I'm a very focused person when I want to be so when I have a goal you know.. I didn't know in which field yet so I wanted to experiment. I precise that I was doing things intuitively from my higher self and with some advices of my guides. (hum)

So here comes october.

First I started hearing my ancestors and feel them in my teeth energically and I started talking with them, it was weird but fun and I didn't know what to do with it.

I understood that some clairaudience things I heard and some repetitive thoughts pattern came in fact from them and not me. So that was interesting.

Then one day out of the blue, around halloween, a lot of deceased people came around me and were starting to use my field as portal to pass on to the other side.

Guides and beings around me were talking with them for the procedure and all and I was like ???????????? Ok so I tried helping but you know nobody gave me a manual ? And I had to control my thoughts because everything was happening telepatically but I never properly learn so I let things slip up like "I'm sorry you are dead" to people who didn't even know they were dead so they got distressed and I was ? Fuckkkk. Honestly it was a mess and too much for me for a first time so after a while I said stop to all of it I said I didn't want to do it right now maybe take it one step at the time but then things got messy.

Low dimensional beings followed me around for weeks and started harassing me about responsabilities and I tried not to be scared but didn't know how to deal with it on a daily basis ?

So I went to a friend of mine who teaches all sort of spiritual fields who knows a lot about beings (he wrote books and all) and asked him for advice.

So he told me that I couldn't fight it and that I had to "take them" one by one to see what each had to show me about myself to work through. He told me to be firm.

Except there were 15 of them. I was like ok I can TRY I mean what choice do I have ?

So I was at my house sitting by my kitchen table and I asked them to get in line and to patiently WAIT for me to see them one by one.

(oh yes because each of them were eating bits of my energy and I could feel it the 15 at the same time so that was a ride)

So at first they got in line but some of them were terribly angry (I may have said some words at some point I mean they were fucking hurting me who can stay still and say nothing ?)

So I tried. When the third came the others lost their tempers and they all came at me at once.

In the mess my witch twinflame came in the mix (and she was pretty terrifying) so what did I do ? Obviously ? I started fighting. All of them.

How ? I don't even know. I did everything I could think of. Salt baths, prayers, mantras, I went to a guy who sends them off somewhere, I tried lightlanguage (SO VERY BAD IDEA NEVER EVER DO IT) because I thought it was coming from my heart so like a disney movie everything would be alright again. (I promise I really believed that haha I didn't know what to do) but in fact it was like an incantation but I didn't even know. So it was like magic. So I messed up without realizing what I was doing.

I wanna laugh know.

Sooooooo when I realized it wouldn't work I went back to my friend and he managed to get "rid of them".

For a moment.

But no it wasn't the end at all it was only the beginning.

I got a day or two to breathe and then well I don't know who the fuck came (the witch was there) but there were it seemed like many, MANY beings coming.

What did I do ? Well fight obviously because I never learn.

Ok so picture hell right now (I don't even believe in hell ffs) well it felt like I was there.

They talked all at once saying terrible things about me. They knew EVERYTHING I once believed or thought or wanted to do. They were doing a sort of game of fighting with me when every other minutes another being would pop up and come fight me.

My auric field ? My chakras ? A mess. I FELT PHYSICAL PAIN. How just how I didn't know it was possible, is it because I believed it ? Perhaps.

Anyway that's when I lost touch with reality completely.

Completely. It turned in some sort of psychosis schizophrenia you name it but it wasn't regular spiritual stuff I was completely off touch with the ground.

So much that I felt my auric field kind of leave ? LEAVE ? Like go up into the sky.

I tried to stay here I tried. I stayed one entire day near a tree to try to stay grounded but it wasn't enough it was SO INTENSE.

Like a bad bad spiritual fever.

Obviously in my stupid fight I tried once to raise my frequency ? Because why not ? Idk. But it attracted MORE beings but high frequency this time (with some ETs that weren't nice AT ALL)

Ok so began weeks of torture of all kinds. All kinds. Mind games. Physical pain. Delirium.

They indeed used me as portal to make enter bad things into this dimension. And I couldn't even control it. They were using my emotions.

When I had an emotion like sadness, some terrible being entered through my own field (how is this even possible I don't know). So they were torturing me but I was trying not to feel not to make enter anything, and I had to control my thoughts because at the same time they were all tricking me to make contracts.

Yeah contracts. I didn't know but apparently that's a thing in some realm. Soul contract.

Apparently they got to use me as portal because of a contract. Ok ok so WHY NO ONE TELLS US THAT WE MADE CONTRACTS BEFORE ENTERING THIS EARTH AND WHICH AND WHY NO ONE TELLS HOW WE MAKE THEM (apparently a single thought was like "I sign !!! " when ??? No ???)

So I made so many contracts without knowing that some contradicted each other. It made absolutely zero sense at the end.

Anyway.

So the one of the most terrible thing was that one being.

Because I actually saw with my two eyes it's shadow on the wall falling down from the ceiling (he passed through me). Then, he began torturing me. Like it felt like it was eating my brain. A real life horror movie.

But he did that you know how ? In a time loop.

I REPEAT, IN A TIME LOOP.

You must think I'm mental lmao but I'm not joking.

I experimented a real life time loop.

It's real, it exists. It's like in the movies.

I relieved the same torture scene over and over again for... How don't know how long ? It's even difficult for my brain to comprehend. There was no time.

I got off the time loop when I realised there was one. I got out of my room the second I realise there was one.

To this day I have no words. No words.

???!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!

WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL WAS THAT.

Ok so the concept of time we understand and then when you ascend there is no time because you are always in the now moment that's something you can grasp in your mind but THIS. This was some next level bullshit us humans shouldn't experience. This should not happen. This is ?? Not ?? ok ?? Not natural. We're not in a sci-fi movie ffs but apparently yes I got stuck in a torture time loop thanks.

Jesus CHRIST I still can't believe it. Did I hallucinate ? It sure didn't feel like it.

Anyway so that was a thing.

So as you can see it got way too much, waaaay too much and I decided to got to the hospital because I was having chest pain and so much stress I was about to faint ?

But they couldn't find anything. So they advised I go to psy. I went out of despair ? I did 29377382 holistic therapy that helped a bit but seriously the beings were still torturing me and being in my head 24/7 so I thought I had nothing to lose.

What a terrible mistake.

I was locked up in a room with nothing but myself and this nightmare.

Those 4 days were interesting to say the least.

I got spiritually raped multiples times stopped praying after a while.

I begged. I asked for help. I prayed everyone and everything I could think of. I tried protection stuff.

Nothing really worked there were too many of them and I was like a little lamb unknowingly giving away my light and serving as portal for those creatures.

Joy.

I couldn't even cry because another terrible being was coming everytime.

They broke my mind. I broke my mind. I lost touch so much I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.

They brainwashed me, reprogrammed me. Used the subconscious for reprogramming so yeah apparently that's another thing.

You know when you are trying to reprogramm yourself for manifesting for example well reminder that other consciousnesses can do it to you too so you have to be EXTREMELY aware of what's yours and what's not.

It was a huge thing to make me do all sorts of stuff but since I could tell the difference it didn't work because it's something I learned beforehand.

The key is not believing it and it's even easier when you know it's not from you.

Their programms are still in me today they pop up from my subconscious mind sometimes but since I know they are not mine I live with it for now.

So they were trying to get me to say yes to something (I think it was for posession) but I kept saying no over and over again.

ET's/lightbeings did stuff in within my brain (and I never would have thought I would see the day when I would be saying this, so this is my life now apparently ok)

Anyway. I'm not describing in details because it's too long and honestly I don't want to relive it again once was enough for a lifetime.

I was broken so was my mind and my heart and everything.

I had no options for it to stop, I wasn't even fighting anymore I was just trying to make less damage and not let enter anything else. But it was no use I didn't control anything. My field was a mess everything was blocked there were leaking all over and well I didn't sleep for days and my energy was very low I made 22927354 contracts, was raped, reprogrammed, experimented on and all of this within a single fucking month.

I didn't see any other choice than to take meds.

To numb the clairaudience and clairsentience.

I knew it wasn't a solution and that it wouldn't make them "go away" but at least I didn't have to feel or hear anything consciously.

It's difficult to write about it honestly but it makes me a bit happy to be able to share and not keep it all to myself.

So I took meds for 2-3 weeks and it numbed the clairs but I could still feel it and hear it a tiny bit I knew it wasn't gone. But I got time to heal a bit and get my mind clear again.

I did a quantum healing session with a wonderful lady who saw everything that happened, knew about my with sister and everything she did a tremedous work where she got rid of all the contracts, removed the ties with some entities, spoke to me about the time loop (so yeah apparently that's a real thing for real ? Wow) and did some work about my twinflame witch sister (she cut the cord we had where we needed to reincarnate together and she left my field to go back to be incarnated if she wanted). I had a sigil of magic on me I didn't even know about. Probably from a past life or from my witch sister. Oh and apparently those beings put me implants. Etheric implants yeah apparently that's a thing. Because everything that I was feeling in my clairs felt real but I KNEW that something was off. Something felt.. Like unnatural.

I was right.

Idk who but someone put me an implant to modify my perceptions, so my clairs ! What I was feeling/hearing/seeing may have not been the actual truth of what was happening. AND I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS OFF. But still IT'S MAD THEY CAN DO THIS. They can implant things to modify perceptions ??? Who the fuck did I attract ?? What kind of lightbeings ? It's INSANE.

So the lady got rid of some of them but not all, we scheduled another appointment on friday but this woman gets month of waiting list because she's the real deal I'm thinking of taking a class with her but anyway. We managed to close me as portal. I am not a portal anymore, yaye ! 😐

Things got a bit quieter afterwards.

That was super nice.

I got to breathe but I was still heavily traumatized like someone coming back from war, always stressed than anything will happen you know it took me a week or two to let my body relax for a second.

I quit the meds a week ago.

I don't want to put my head into the sand and not face anything. I knew my clairs would be coming back but I have a new approach now that I have my head a lot clearer and I am slowly getting back to myself.

I decided first not to fight no matter what I hear or what I feel. I know not all the implants are gone so my stategy is to remain calm. I still feel some weird things over my head energically since I quit my meds beings came back to taunt me a bit but I didn't response.

I learned that with all that I became some kind of medium actually. It wasn't intended but ok. So my new techique, instead of meditating to get to higher states of consciousness or other realm or inside myself I meditate to stay right here right now. I use mindfullness to stay in the now moment. It allows me to hear less since my attention is on the touch or my real eyesight.

Staying present. Staying present. Staying present.

I have no other choice. Otherwise the minute my mind goes somewhere else I have thoughts and people answer my thoughts. I am never alone in my head anymore and I honestly don't know how to deal.

I still have the repetitive thoughts of the programming. But it's getting quieter when I don't think.

So I don't think and I don't listen.

It's extremely difficult but with training I believe I can do it.

I can't really apply the ascension process anymore in the way people put it because for me it's a bit more complicated now I can't even really think.

So Imma try to stay right here right now and see how it goes.

Get rid of the remaining implants. That's it.

Proctecting yourself is useless. If you take a hit you take a hit. The bubble of light isn't enough.

There are things out there more complex than we think. I almost killed myself but I am still alive so I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ? They can't kill anyone unless you let it happen.

The trauma is there but I'll get over it.

I was a victim but I won't take this from a victim pov, I attracted this when I blindly trusted any being passing because they seemed nice and from the light.

I did everything from the book, never did anything weird, always stayed in the light, controled my thoughts to remain as much as possible positive, did the protocoles of protection and what did I create ?

Chaos. And pain and suffering.

So guess what I think there's nothing to control if stuff happens it happens. This much pain was hard to accept at the time but I will get there for it not to get stuck I don't want to repeat this again I think I learned my lesson.

Now I'm enjoying the sensation of my couch under my fingers and listening to the radio and looking by the window to the plants outside. I feel a weird thing over my head but try to focus on the sunlight outside not on this thing and focus my consciousness on the ground under my feet.

I think it's my life now but it's ok. I still get to see what's right in front of me. It's often nice especially when there's sunlight.

Thank you if you read, you are even madder than me.

I'll see how it goes after the implants are removed.

Maybe I will feel less weird stuff ?

Meditate they say, go beyond the veil they say.

Maybe what's already there is perfect enough and it's ok if we don't do it and we go slow and we don't unlock everything and not open every chakra ? And not try to connect somewhere and just stay right here ? Being fully present ?

I think it's ok. Let's enjoy the sunlight for a while.

✨

[isaacathom]

one interesting thing i found in SB is that for its mythology, which is, Woof, the original bad guy was the fire god, not the dark one. so, passing forward to EC, Ryaris was the one who went rogue first, and then Dalace went down afterwards. And there’s the fact that the act which got her branded as a villain is specifically called a betrayal. of who?

my memory of most of the EC lore is fuzzy, but I know that Ryaris couldnt have betrayed, say, her direct elemental counterpart in the water goddess Caliyo, because she’s the one who, after the Second Event, broke Ryaris’ seal early. While that could just be a whole lot of forgiveness and an understanding of how their elements coexist, it’s more likely that Caliyo was not the one wronged by Ryaris’ actions originally. This is compared to what I later had down for EC, which is that Dalace had been bad from the word go and that Ryaris only became involved in the Second Event by trying to free her. fun!

So then the Q becomes what did Ryaris do, and who did she betray? The likely answer is she betrayed Losa, the goddess of Light. the reasons for doing so are, complicated? and have their routes in the way the elements all interact. cause the 4 standard elements are basically neutral towards eachother because while they can cancel eachother out short term, they have a ~relationship~ thats important. like, the air goddess Xen can blow out Ryaris’ flames, but her air is also responsible for flames growing in the first place, and the fires consume that air. You follow? But light and dark have a way more complicated relationship that leaves Dalace especially feeling wronged, because where light is present, dark cannot exist. dark cannot overpower light rawly, yknow? i have diagrams in my head which explain this sort of. point being, dark and light are not friend.

and that complexity extends to how the 4 elements interact w/ light and dark. Ryaris as a fire goddess mostly has vague beef with Losa, because fire creates light, doesn’t it? and light, when concentrated, can create fire. The two cannot destroy each other, their actions only fuel the other. so while in theory, on paper, theyre allies, in practice they set eachother off extremely easily. they just are not compatible personalities, their elemental dynamic personified.

which makes it easy to imagine that Ryaris, pissed off to no end by Losa’s holier than thou attitude, etc etc, decides to fuck with her. And thus, betrayal. An important aspect of this is that Ryaris was not sealed away by the gods alone, but also by a human on their side. that the conflict that spilled out from Ryaris’ actions impacted the human world in some way. So it was a very direct betrayal, going back on her word, doing what she was told not to do. Something that, even if some of her fellow gods thought the rule was bad, had to acknowledge that Ryaris had broken it. yknow. centrism. because the other gods don’t side with Ryaris. Even Dalace, who fucking loathes Losa, remains neutral. which she regrets, hence the Second Event.

So Losa tells Ryaris not to do something, Ryaris decides fuck you asshole, I’m going to do that anyway and even more, and thus, Chaos. It could lean a vague prometheus angle, like that Losa in her ~divine wisdom~ decided to impose some restriction upon humans, and Ryaris broke it. cause Losa is a hell of an individual generally, consider she decided of her own accord that she was gonna be the ‘keeper of lost souls’, like she ust. decided that. without input. and without letting anyone else even go ‘actually id like to keep the ghosts of the people who lived in my world with me, or give them a choice’ nope! Losa knows best! She’s presumably the oldest, or second oldest depending on your opinion of whether the Void is ‘dark’ or just ‘blank’.

Ryaris isn’t the oldest, obvs, or even the oldest of the elemental quartet due to fire requiring fuel (which supposes that Xen is the oldest, followed by either Ryaris or Elra the earth goddess, or possibly even that Ryaris is flat out the youngest if it goes Xen>Elra>Caliyo>Ryaris, with earth requiring water to make the like, carbon fuel, right). but the fact her power creates light lends a degree of authority. She’s in a very unique position as a goddess in that respect, since she can technically create two elements. so even though she’s either the 1st or 3rd youngest, she has that going for her. it fuels smth in her. that ability to stand up to Losa and say ‘no, fuck you’.

Maybe it does even tie into the ghost thing, or the general inability for souls and mortals to change realms (excepting all souls going to Losa’s realm). Maybe Ryaris breaks that barrier down. Maybe she creates the first portals, opens those floodgates that even Losa can’t really close. Which is even a bit of, idk, sorta dramatic irony since her creating portals directly leads to a lot of things that bring about her defeat in the Third Event (specifically Skye being a Very Weird Light Boy, Will being a Very Weird Dark Boy, and Violet being her literal lost daughter, lmao). But its also neat because in SB the method of weakening the seals was to create portals, which sorta punctured holes in the space. whch is pretty neat.

so Losa makes a decision that mortals have to stay on their world only and that when they die theyre souls come to stay in hers. While this sorta annoys all of them (who died and made her queen, whats the point of all these worlds if they cant interact, etc), Ryaris is the one who decides to act. She visits Losa’s light world full of ghosts on false pretenses (delivering some wayward souls, perhaps), sneaks in somewhere, and basically burns a hole in the fabric of space to create a portal between light world and Earth. Ryaris’ reasoning for doing this is sorta weird, but any important part of it is that with the change Losa made, only two worlds have no native inhabitants - Ryaris’ fire world, and Dalace’s dark world. To be clear, Ryaris isn’t bitter, because she made a conscious decision to not put like, sophonts on the fire world. she likes the quiet. But Ryaris likes the idea of visitors, of creating a place where people can come to see her and stay for a short while. And Losa’s decided that she literally cannot do that, and that the only people who can visit her are runaway souls (rough crowd) and the other gods. And they’re busy! Busy people! Ryaris likes the idea of the freedom of movement, probably because as a fire goddess, fire likes to just. Expand. It’s great.

so she lies to losa’s face, creates a portal, and then allie fucking oops outta there. excellent. things escalate from there as mortals start following ryaris’ example and making portals, thats the floodgates. Then Losa and co go ham, a pseudo war starts, and then eventually Ryaris gets sealed in her realm and barred from using the portals out of it. but now portals are there, and losa’s pisssssed.

dalace remains neutral in the First Event because even though she hates Losa and is against her just, by default, she’s also not... really allies with Ryaris? The enemy of my enemy is my friend, sure, but Ryaris is, as said earlier, in a very unique elemental position in that her element, fire, creates light. Dalace hates light. and so, unable to reconcile her loathing of Losa with her dislike of Ryaris, she exits the conflict and probably mopes in the dark world for its duration. The other goddesses are either neutral or side with Losa. fun times! Caliyo likely sides with Losa, but even at the early stage she regrets it. However she’s actually unable to break the first seal because it was made using, im pretty sure a water mage? I don’t honestly know if I kept track of what elements Talae and Silver were, but they were i think water and air, respectively? idk. It might make more sense if Talae is air ad Silver is water, because then Caliyo as water goddess can sorta.. ‘revoke’ Silver’s part of the seal on Ryaris after take 2. yea. i think that works.

so then the idea is that while Caliyo feels guilty because she actually agrees with Ryaris and the elemental counterpart relationship is Fun, Dalace feels guilty because she ‘let Losa win’. and spends the next few centuries weakening Ryaris’ seal so that they can get revenge. And Ryaris is down for revenge! And down for support! So she teams up with Dalace, they break her out, and cause chaos again. This time there’s no principle behind it. its just flipping the bird at losa. so while the first time around its like, Losa+Caliyo+idk, Elra, vs Ryaris, second time its Losa+Caliyo+Elra+Xen vs Ryaris+Dalace. And they get beaten and both get sealed.

At this point Ryaris decides that while she stands by her original decision to create portals, she doesn’t stand by the attempt at revenge, and she accepts being sealed as a consequence. Dalace, of course, does not. After time passes, Caliyo comes to visit Ryaris and see hows she’s doing (with Caliyo having fully forgiven her for the first thing, bc that wasnt Caliyo’s problem), and after deciding she’s appropriately sorry for what she did with Dalace’s help, leaves and weakens the seal, and some time later Ryaris is able to leave, whereupon she decides to visit the world she tried to destroy in the guise of a mortal to see whats up, whereupon she falls in love with and later marries Evelyn Nis, and the Story Persisteth.

the reason they went for fucking over the central world (earth, i guess) rather than losa’s world directly was the fact that the two of the, Ryaris and Dalace, can’t fucking touch the place. Dalace can barely even go there, fucks sake, she cant destroy it. And if Ryaris tries, it won’t work, because of the fire makes light thing. So you settle for the next best thing - the neutral world none of the goddesses rule directly, but which Losa has a great deal of influence over, because Fuck Losa.

presumably dalace’s current plan is to be a bit sneakier, and rather than appearing and trying to destroy everything, she basically wants the trick all the people into destroying it themselves, through war and so on. and so a lot fo subterfuge, and stuff. which is WHY Ryaris kidnaps Chase and Akian D’Lore - she’s ransoming the shit out of Sparklr Fountain and provoking them into accusing all their neighbours and vague enemies of being responsible. Quartai’s probably on that list which is fun. Lot happening. :)