#but because sophie's in profile I tried to follow a reference

[bookwyrminspiration]

it does look like sophie!! if you wanted to help her look a little more youthful, you might try adding some roundness to the cheeks and emphasizing the cupid's bow a bit more

ty catherine I love you forever and ever dedicating this piece to you and you only <33

me vs the roundness of sophie's cheeks is an ongoing battle I keep trying but she is staying stubbornly a little angular. actually almost everything about her is fighting me.

I think the reason it's not quite doing it for me is that she doesn't match the other individual in the piece. Who has a certain *essence* to them, a style that Sophie doesn't have. So while she technically looks fine and like Sophie, she doesn't look like she belongs in the same piece as them. and I very much want the two of them to go together. Will continue trying, even though I have class tomorrow and will. get a bunch of homework </3

also!! thank you to everyone else who made comments and suggestions as well :)

[ukrfeminism]

Every year, around 3,000 new cases of cervical cancer are reported in the UK. Despite approximately 99.8 per cent of cases being preventable, there are still many misconceptions surrounding cervical cancer. Cervical Screening Awareness Week, an annual campaign led by Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust, runs from 20 to 26 June 2022. Although cervical cancer can affect anyone with a cervix the term 'women' will be used here for brevity. This article was originally published in 2020.

When the letter arrived through her front door, Marianne Nicholson did not open it. The 43-year-old from Northern Ireland knew what the envelope contained and had already decided that after a previous smear test when the nurse chastised her for bleeding, she wouldn’t be responding to future invitations. Nicholson had tried to explain it wasn’t her period but spotting caused by her contraceptive pill, but the nurse had already terminated the procedure. “She [the nurse] was annoyed and I was really embarrassed. After that I disliked smears so much,” she tells me. 

“I put it off for years, over the three year mark,” Nicholson continues. Then she started bleeding more heavily between periods. “I just assumed it was my pill [again] but it was bright red which is a huge warning sign,” she says. It wasn’t until her best friend at work intervened and said it wasn’t normal to be bleeding so much, forcing her to attend an appointment together. Following the examination Nicholson was diagnosed with cervical cancer. “I never thought for one minute I had cervical cancer. My friend actually saved my life.” 

Nicholson says her naivety (and belief cancer was something that only happened to other people) stopped her from attending an appointment. But she isn’t alone. Eleven years after the death of TV celebrity Jade Goody from cervical cancer in 2009, aged 27 – a high profile case that caused a rise in 500,000 extra people attending cervical screenings and was dubbed the “Jade Goody effect” – attendance has dwindled to a 20-year-low.

The overall decline in numbers may seem small: in 2018-2019 the percentage of women deemed to have been screened adequately was at 71.9 per cent, which fell from 72 per cent in 2017 and 72.7 per cent in 2016. But data released by Cancer Research UK showed rates of cervical cancer have risen sharply. Among 25 to 29-year-olds there has been a 54 per cent rise in cervical cancer rates since 2004.

Athena Lamnisos, CEO of the Eve Appeal, a gynaecological cancer charity, says: “Although last year saw a small increase for the first time in 21 years in attendance for cervical screening appointments, 1 in 4 are still not booking their appointment when called.”

Cervical screening, commonly referred to as a smear test, helps to pick up early signs of cell changes in the cervix that can turn into cancer. The tests are free on the NHS for all people with a cervix between the ages of 25 to 64. At your appointment, a nurse will take a sample of cells from your cervix using a small, soft brush. It should take no longer than 15 minutes. Jo’s Trust, a cervical cancer charity, say early detection and treatment through cervical screening can prevent up to 75 per cent of cervical cancers from developing. So why are so many still shunning the appointments or putting the letters straight in the bin?

Jo Varsani, 39, from Chadwell Heath in Essex didn’t go for a smear test for 18 years after her first one as a teenager because the first experience was so traumatic for her. “It was painful, I was a virgin and I was really anxious,” she says. “I was also very conscious of someone judging me and how I looked.” After her appointment things were made worse as she was told she would need to return for another test as they hadn’t been able to collect a sufficient sample. “I ignored the letters and any subsequent requests for an appointment,” she says.

Varsani, who has two children and one step-child and runs a daycare centre, says that not only did her bad experience stop her from attending the smear test but she found it hard to make the time. “When my daughter was young, I was a single parent and so prioritised making a living over and above my health,” she says. (Now she offers other mothers free childcare for an hour when they need to go for smear tests).

It was only when her mother-in-law died of cancer at the age of 61 that she finally decided to bite the bullet and book a second appointment. “Obviously, I have a 16-year-old daughter so I want her to go and have her own smear test when the time comes, and I can only say to her to do it, if I’ve done it too. In my whole life I’ve only had two smear tests and I’ll be 40 this year.”

Carrie Eddins, 44, from the West Midlands, also had a bad experience at her first appointment which has stopped her from going again. “The cold metal speculum, it was excruciating and not remotely something I ever wanted to repeat. It was extremely painful and I bled because of it, the nurse was not remotely compassionate.” Unlike Varsani, Eddins has not yet come to terms with going back ignoring the stream of letters and texts from her local trust.

Clearly some women have bad personal experiences of smear tests which then informs their decision not to go back, but this isn't the case with everyone. The most highly-cited reason for not scheduling smear tests, referenced by all of the women The Independent spoke to was that of misinformation. The narrative around smear tests continues to be that they are universally a painful and embarrassing experience. This, understandably, puts women off. Nicolson says: “You hear through Chinese whispers that it hurts or is embarrassing and then this filters down through the generations.”

Even women who have already been themselves are susceptible to the myths. Lindsay Davies, 35, from Mansfield, didn’t have a smear test for six years and says she would always make “silly excuses” not to go because things she had heard from friends “terrified” her. She eventually decided to go but gave herself an escape. “I said to myself that if the nurse wasn’t very nice I was going to just leave. But the nurse was lovely and really put me at ease, she even gave me a tissue to cover my face. It took ten minutes and there was no pain.

“Far too many people massively exaggerate the discomfort or how long it takes. Basically every part of the smear test is exaggerated to this scary bad thing and in reality it’s five minutes that could genuinely save your life.” Ms Davies was eventually diagnosed with cervical cancer when she attended at 29 and had to have a hysterectomy to treat it. “I went through hell, the implications of not going for your smear test are far reaching.

Lamnisos from the Eve Appeal agrees that misinformation has persisted. “There is still quite a lot of misinformation and fear out there around both HPV and cervical screening.” She says that there needs to be a better understanding of what is going to happen before women arrive at the appointment. “Cervical screening is not a cancer test, it is a preventative test. This means cervical screening, and if needed, follow up treatment can stop cancer before it starts.”

Misinformation was deemed to be so prevalent in 2019 the government started the first ever nationwide TV campaign in England and Wales to encourage women to attend smear tests. 

Another reason why people may not attend, which has not been addressed by existing campaigns, Lamnisos says is bigger barriers beyond their control. “For example if they are disabled and hoist dependant and there isn’t access to a hoist in the GP, or [if they are] a trans man or non-binary and fall through gaps in the system or are not invited for the screening appointment to start with.

“Another big barrier might be that they are a survivor of sexual abuse or FGM [female genital mutilation] and have other issues around this specific screening test. For these groups of people that face extra personal, physical or psychological hurdles, extra time, information and support can help make the procedure a bit easier and encourage more people to go when they are due.”

Rebecca Shoosmith, head of support at Jo's Trust, agrees: "For some groups of women, including survivors of sexual violence, those with conditions such as vaginismus, and women with a physical disability it can be particularly hard, even impossible."

Whatever the reason for not going doctors want the numbers of women attending to be increasing not dropping. Ms Nicholson says she believes the key to targeting everyone – regardless of their motivations – is to share stories like her own. “Girls need to know what could happen, you could end up like me needing major surgery, chemotherapy, or even worse, dying. They are a vital part of our health and we need to have them done.

“If I had understood how important smears are it would have made me go sooner. We all need to get involved to help bring the message home to young girls and hopefully help eradicate this silent killer.”

You can contact the Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust free helpline on 0808 802 8000. Click here to check the helpline opening times.​

[shadyb00ts]

A Chromatica Review

So I never really use Tumblr, but when I do go on here, it’s pretty much to review something long-form. As you can tell from my profile picture here, and from my glowing review of ARTPOP from 7 years ago, I am and have always been a Gaga stan. Just read the melodramatic first paragraph of my ARTPOP review and you’ll get the gist of how much I idolize this woman. Well, idolized. Past tense.

That’s not to say I suddenly hate Gaga–I’m still going to follow her career and listen to whatever she puts out. There have just been several factors this past year that have changed my perspective on how I view her, this album being one of those factors. But I’ll get to those later. First I just need to lay out all my issues with this album.

Yes, this is going to be that type of review, so if you’re a fellow Gaga stan that isn’t able to criticize her work, this probably isn’t for you. Otherwise please read to the end if you can, because this is honestly about more than just the album.

Issue #1: The Mismatch Between Music & Aesthetic

When the cover of the album came out, I was so gagged. Like, just look at it! It’s striking, and Gaga has rarely ever disappointed me when it came to visuals. Actually, I can’t even think of any visual choices she made in previous eras that disappointed me. Even in the Joanne era, the pink cowboy hat became iconic and all of her aesthetic choices fit with the overall vibe of that album cycle.

So naturally, when she revealed to us the new visual direction she was taking for Chromatica, I assumed it would give us some insight into how the music would sound. The aesthetic of this era always gave me grungy cyberpunk and heavy machinery tease. When I look at the album cover for example, I can hear a song produced by SOPHIE in my head, the clink-clank queen herself. (There were rumors that Gaga was going to or did work with SOPHIE but that was never confirmed, unfortunately for us.)

For those unfamiliar with SOPHIE, here’s Ponyboy, which was most recently used in the ad campaign for Beyoncé’s Ivy Park clothing line.

That was the kind of production I was more or less expecting when taking the visuals into account; dark, metallic, basically similar to ARTPOP’s production (to be honest ARTPOP sonically fits better with the Chromatica aesthetic; think about it). 

But what did we get? Light, garden variety dance pop, a stark contrast to what the album cover and the promo images teased us with.

In the album, we get these orchestral interludes that are beautiful but don't really mesh that well with the actual tracks. The songs don't have any orchestral elements by themselves, so the interludes felt a bit misplaced to me. I wish they'd incorporated more of that into the individual songs, so that there could be an orchestral through-line to give more cohesion, like what Ariana did in her album positions by using strings. However I will say, the transition from Chromatica II into 911 remains unmatched.

I get that the album is supposed to sound happy, that it was her returning to her “dance pop roots” and singing about serious topics like mental health over happy-sounding beats, because it’s supposed to reflect her current mental state. I get all that. But if that was the case, I think she should’ve gone with a different visual direction to match. Personally I wish she went a different direction musically instead, but even if it was just the other way around and she changed the aesthetic of this era, my opinion of the album would probably improve slightly, cause at least there would be cohesion between the visuals and the sonics.

I look at that album cover, and promo images like the one below, and then I listen to songs like Fun Tonight or Plastic Doll for example, and there’s a noticeable dissonance there. 

You might be thinking “why are you so hard on her for this?” and I guess it’s because I’ve always held Gaga to a high standard when it comes to how she links those two elements. Think of every era she’s had in the past, and you remember how the visuals always just worked with their respective albums.

And that’s before I’ve even talked about the videos. Oh lord, the videos.

Issue #2: The Videos Are Lackluster (Except For 911)

It started with Stupid Love, the lead single. I had mixed feelings about that song in the beginning, but because I was so thirsty for new music from Gaga at the time, I played that song like hell when it leaked and it was on rotation for a good while. But when Gaga premiered the Stupid Love video, I’m not going to lie; I really didn’t like it.

The whole “shot entirely on iPhone” schtick really did the video a disservice. I’m sorry but it had to be said. If I imagined the video with a higher budget and more of a plotline as opposed to just being a dance video, I think it could’ve worked a lot better and been a decent introduction to not only Chromatica the album, but this fictional world/planet that she’s created. Which by the way, she didn’t really deliver in that regard either. 

The concept of Chromatica being a fictional world could have been expanded on further; she could’ve showcased all of the different factions (I know they were called “tribes” at first but that’s appropriative so I’ll call them factions) and perhaps had an overarching storyline about how these factions are at war, and it’s Gaga’s job as one of the “Kindness Punks”, as she calls it, to bring everyone together for a rave.

This is why I will always say it: Chromatica needed to be a visual album. Just imagine the storyline I mentioned just now being turned into a full-length feature, and now imagine the album’s orchestral intro playing as they’re essentially opening the gates to Chromatica and Gaga discovers this world for the first time, and then it goes into the first song Alice where she’s meeting all the factions and getting acclimated to her surroundings.

Honestly I could go on and on cause I have thought about this for SO LONG now and I’ll never shut up about it. It’s just such a missed opportunity cause the concept was just begging for a visual album. Anyway sorry for my tangent: back to the Stupid Love video.

The whole “shot on iPhone” gimmick really was unfortunate. Like she really ruined the quality of a music video because she wanted that Apple check??? Come on, Gaga, there could’ve been some other way to secure that check.

And then there was the Rain On Me video, which definitely have visuals that are a massive improvement from Stupid Love because it was professionally shot and cinematic. But even that was another purely dance video with not much in the way of storyline. Not that storyline is always required for music videos, but I think specifically when it comes to Chromatica, not having storylines in the M/Vs does a disservice to the overall concept.

I guess my issue with these two music videos, but mostly Stupid Love, is that Gaga isn't fully utilizing her COIN. Like she's successful enough to the point where she has budgets for these videos and can go all out, but doesn't. She has the capacity for extremely high production value, but up until 911, the last video she did that had that level of extraness was G.U.Y. I miss the days when her music videos were an event. I still remember where I was and what I was doing the exact moment the Telephone video came out. That's impact.

Taylor Swift I think is somebody who really knows how to blow her budget on a video. Look What You Made Me Do may have been a terrible song, but I always thought the video was sickening.

Anyway, I have no notes on 911. She's a masterpiece. If there was a music video category at the Oscars, I'd be campaigning for it right now.

Issue #3: Any Other Girly Can Do This

The thing I always loved the most about Gaga's music was that nobody was doing it like her. Everything she put out always felt like it was distinctly hers and hers alone, it's unmistakable. Even in Joanne, despite that album being a major departure from what she normally did.

I know Joanne is a very polarizing album, even for Little Monsters, but personally I've always loved it. Joanne was an album that I always knew she would make and I thought was essential to her career and body of work. Despite her straying away from pop for a more earthy, grass roots sound, it still sounded very much like her music. Even from the first track, Diamond Heart, her DNA is all over that.

It's difficult to explain what exactly I mean when I say there's a certain signature "Gaga-ness" or that she has a very specific DNA injected into her songs. If you've been a fan of hers for a long time or followed her career, you probably understand what I'm referring to. It's the way she laughs maniacally in the beginning of ARTPOP on Aura, how she says "I don't speak German but I can if you like, OW!" and proceeds to recite broken German on Scheiße, how she invented the phrase "disco stick", literally the ENTIRETY of The Fame Monster.

These examples probably give you the gist of what I'm trying to convey. Gaga is fucking weird. She has always been fucking weird and I love that so much about her. And her brand of weirdness was so specific that if any of the other pop girls tried to do what she did, it would have been cringey as hell. To me, the most disappointing thing of all with this album was that this weirdness that was so uniquely hers was missing.

It's there in brief moments, in tracks like Sour Candy, 911 and Babylon, but most of the album doesn't really sound like her music. It sounds like songs that she wrote for other people, like her old unreleased stuff. OG Little Monsters probably remember songs like Second Time Around and No Way. These were leaked unreleased songs that Gaga had written for other artists, and even though they were absolute bops, they didn't sound like her. They weren't supposed to.

A similar feeling I had was when her song The Cure came out a few years ago. I genuinely thought that was something she wrote for someone else, cause even though it was a solid pop song, it absolutely had zero Gaga-ness and any current pop girl could sing it. This pretty much encapsulates how I feel about the majority of Chromatica.

I was gonna say it sounded like songs that were written for Ally, her Star is Born character, but I think even those pop songs from the soundtrack sounded more Gaga than Chromatica does. 💀 I can easily imagine Hair Body Face being on The Fame.

Final Thoughts

It's funny that the last review I had posted on here before this was my review of Kingdom Hearts III. The Kingdom Hearts game series is something that's very near and dear to my heart, and I waited a wholeass decade for the third game to come out. And then it did, and I was so disappointed.

So you know what happened after that? What helped me deal with my disappointment of that game was my anticipation for Chromatica, or at the time it was still called LG6. I had no idea I would feel the same exact way about this album the way I do about KH3. Now when I think of both of these things, I'm mostly frustrated by all of the potential and the missed opportunities, but I also look at them with a certain fondness. I had fun playing KH3, and I also had fun listening to Chromatica, despite both of them disappointing me overall.

In the beginning of this review I said that there were certain factors that have stopped me from idealizing Gaga too much. Firstly it's because I'm much older now, and secondly it's due to the sheer state of the world this past year. The pandemic really precipitated the fall of celebrity culture, and all of that made me really examine how putting someone on such a high pedestal can be damaging in the long run.

Gaga is a human being and I haven't agreed with everything she's done, particularly how she handled the whole R. Kelly situation back in 2013. And also the simple fact that she's a white woman, we know how a lot of the time they can't help but show their asses and are bound to disappoint us in some way. I'm forever grateful for her artistry and how she saved my life when I was a suicidal little eighth grader, but I'm also going to hold her accountable for any of her mistakes, and I'd be ready to stop supporting her entirely if anything she does ever goes too far.

Now I stan artists for fun. It's not healthy to idolize them to the point of revering them. I mean, I like to make jokes like that about Beyoncé, like "no way on Beyoncé's green earth", etc. But even she is just a person that we shouldn't deify for real.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Chromatica being a lackluster album and era ended up being a good thing, because it helped me grow out of idolizing celebrities too intensely. Chromatica was pretty much the best disappointment I've ever listened to.

If you've read all the way to the end, thank you! Writing this was very therapeutic but also stressful; this is a second draft cause Tumblr fucked up my first post. 😭

Anyway, SAWAYAMA & Ungodly Hour are albums of the year. Argue with the wall.

[lynseylou]

S1E2: “House of the Rising Son”

Because The Originals recently debuted their series finale, I thought I would share my rather lengthy recaps of the first six episodes of the series that I did a year ago. I was so pumped about the show I made my own Wordpress website and everything. Now I have these lonely recaps with nowhere to put them but here! Enjoy if you want.

We begin this episode by embarking on another tour through New Orleans. I’m starting to sense a running theme.

“The city of New Orleans,” exclaims all-powerful leader, Marcel Gerard, “people of all stripes and flavors from all over the country come here to party on our streets. Some are just looking for fun, some are looking for something a little darker, more dangerous. So we invite them into our home, and give it to them. Then at the stroke of midnight, everything changes, and its time to feed.”

On screen we see one of Marcel’s classic raves being turned into dinner time for the vampires. Marcel is up above watching the chaos, while explaining his methods to Klaus. In walks Thierry, Marcel’s trusted advisor, to inform him of the latest situation. Apparently six nightwalkers were killed outside the Quarter, but who could have possibly done such a thing? We get a glimpse of Rebekah Mikaelson driving away in a lavish car, wiping blood off her cheek and smiling. Oh Rebekah, you look so cute right after murder.

Meanwhile, at the plantation house Rebekah drives up leaving another worried message for Elijah. Only, Elijah cannot call back because he is somewhere daggered in a box. That’s when Rebekah meets Hayley, she’s as charming as ever mistaking Hayley for the maid while screaming for Klaus to tell her where Elijah is.

As Rebekah is searching the house for Elijah, we are gifted flashbacks of when the Mikaelson’s once lived in the plantation house in 1820. We learn that Rebekah once loved the governors son, so naturally, Klaus killed him. We are given Rebekah’s perspective of events and through her eyes, you hate to admit, Klaus looks like a cruel and brutal brother, of whom deserves Rebekah’s ire.

“Well, he wasn’t good enough for you.” Explains Klaus.

“No one was ever good enough for me, Nik. You made sure of that. Now where’s Elijah?”

Klaus recieves a text from Marcel asking him to meet for drinks, queuing Klaus’ exit. Meanwhile, Rebekah enlists Hayley for help in the search for Elijah. This unlikely duo ventures down into the dusty cellar where the Mikaelson family coffins are on, how Hayley puts it, “stand-by.” However, this macabre sight hardly fazes Rebekah, and she concludes that Elijah’s coffin isn’t here.

“Where to next Rebekah?”

“To go vamp around Sophie Deveraoux and make her totally freak out, before I demand she help me find Elijah!”

“Awesome!”

Sophie brings Rebekah to the creepy cemetery, and informs her she can’t do magic without punishment from Marcel because he has a way to tell when a witch is doing magic, and the witches can’t leave because they practice ansestral magic. Because Rebekah has hit a roadblock, she tells Sophie how idiotic her plan is of bringing down Marcel at the hands of Klaus because “Klaus loved him like a son.”

Flashback

“I was there the day they met. We were burying Emil, the governors only son. Or so we thought. Turns out the governor had another son, from a mother he owned.”

Klaus sees the boy, screaming in pain as the whip comes overtop of him another time. Angered by his torment, the boy retaliates by throwing an apple at his oppressor, which results in another blow. However, at this sight Klaus intervenes and kills the man and asks the boy for his name. Only the boy doesn’t have one, so Klaus names him Marcellus. After the “god of war.”

Returning back to present day, Klaus and Marcel are out drinking. Klaus notices that Marcel’s attention is elsewhere, and follows his gaze to the brave bartender, Cami. Klaus is wondering aloud why Marcel hasn’t just eaten her yet, but he’s wondering to himself how he could use this to his advantage. Marcel tries to change the subject to the tourists in transition, and Marcel assumes they were drunk and fell when the vampire blood was still in their system. But, as Cami is walking away to leave, Marcel is still clearly distracted by her, so he decides to help Marcel out by supplying the lamest line.

“Excuse me love? What’s that your studying?”

“Abnormal psychology.”

“Abnormal psychology. Well…” Klaus shuffles Cami to their table, “perhaps you could help me diagnose my friend over here. He’s been a little bit depressed. Can’t keep his mind of a girl, he says she’s a queen, fit for a king.” LAME. “I think he should just cut his losses and move on. What’s your professional opinion?”

Cami, playing along says, “be a nice guy. And maybe the opportunity will present itself one day.”

Marcel decides to jump in and ask Cami out, she says she’ll consider it.

Next we find Hayley, she’s at a witches shop looking for wolfsbane. Why would she want wolfsbane when it hurts werewolves? We get the answer when Hayley says she wants to kill a little wolf. The witch helps her, but when Hayley leaves she calls someone and tells them if you want to gain points, tell Marcel there is a werewolf in the Quarter. Mysterious. Not to mention problematic, being that a woman, needing help, goes to another woman thinking that she’ll understand, but instead rats her out. Shameful.

Meanwhile, Marcel takes Klaus to go see the two people in transition. Marcel makes a contest out of it. Seeing as he doesn’t want to turn them both I guess. Whoever picks up the coin will be a vampire, the other will die. There is a guy and a girl, of whom Marcel refers to as “cute dorky girl” and “gay best friend.” Marcel drops the coin and the girl snatches it up. The “gay best friend” is betrayed and hurt, while the “cute dorky girl” starts looking crazy and manic while she justifies her actions. Marcel snaps her neck.

“I have a thing about people betraying their friends.”

Woah. Subtext.

Marcel is taking a phone call and Klaus is escorting Josh (the gay best friend) into the car when you see Rebekah overhead watching.

Flashback

A young Marcel is fencing with Rebekah. It’s clear he has his first crush. How sweet.

Adult Marcel and Rebekah are now fencing. Marcel goes in for the kiss, but before he could Klaus walks in.

Back to the present, Marcel interrupts Rebekah’s memories and claims to not want to get in the middle of Mikaelson family drama.

Flashback

Marcel is trying, and failing, to convince Klaus that there’s nothing going on between him and Rebekah. However the conversation quickly takes a turn when Marcel asks why Klaus hasn’t turned him into a vampire yet. This is a side of Marcel we haven’t seen. We’ve seen confident Marcel. But never vulnerable.

We return to present day, and Rebekah asks Marcel if he is still afraid of Klaus.

“I’m afraid of no one.”

Then he vamps off.

We find Klaus at Rousseau’s, enjoying a drink, when Marcel storms in.

This whole interaction is fantastic:

“I know that face. Woman trouble.”

“Your a dick. You know that! Why didn’t you tell me your sister’s is back in town?

“I thought it more amusing for you to find out for yourself.”

“Is there anything else I need to know?”

“Only, she’s grown considerably more insane in the last century.”

“Or, maybe, it was her who killed my guys.”

“Doubtful. Unless that biker bar is frequented by small-town high school quarterbacks, I can’t imagine she’d be interested.”

*Marcel’s phone rings*

*Thierry:* “Just got a tip. Someone saw a werewolf in Bienville Park.”

“Get a couple of nightwalkers to run it down. Bring me back its head.”

*Marcel hangs up*

“Well, I guess that solves the mystery of the murdered riff raff. I guess my sister’s in the clear.”

“About that. I don’t have time for Mikaelson family drama. You’re my guest. Keep your sister in line.”

“I’d have a greater chance of draining the Mississippi with a straw!”

Meanwhile, we find Hayley sitting alone in a park. She hasn’t taken the wolfsbane, she’s talking herself into it.

When a vampire vamps in out of nowhere, Hayley throws the wolfsbane/vervain combination into his face. Two other vampires show up, but not to worry, Rebekah swoops in and rips their hearts out.

At the plantation house, Klaus has stacked the dead vampires into a pile perturbed because they are supposed to be keeping a low profile. Rebekah starts accusing Klaus of not being proactive, so Klaus reveals his master plan.

Kill acouple of the people who still had vampire blood in their system from Marcel’s party, so they’ll turn into vampires and Klaus can compel them before they consume any vervain (which resulted in Josh)

Compel Josh

Compel Cami to go out with Marcel and report back what she finds out

Drain the vampire who is still alive of vervain so he could compel him to tell Marcel “his mates found religion and moved to Utah” to explain why he lost more vampires

Back in the house, Klaus demands why Hayley was out in the French Quarter in the first place, and her answer results in Klaus choking the life out of her. Rebekah stops him, and reminds him once again, that its okay to care. And all Elijah and Rebekah have ever wanted for him was to be happy. Feeling guilty, Klaus reveals that he gave Elijah to Marcel as a sign of good faith.

Out on the front porch, Rebekah and Hayley have a heart to heart.

Flashback

Marcel and Rebekah are caught kissing, so Klaus daggers Rebekah.

Hayley appreciates all of Rebekah’s help so Hayley gives Rebekah the daggers that she found under their coffins.

Meanwhile, Marcel and Cami are on a date! But it doesn’t last all of two seconds before Rebekah storms in demanding that Marcel release Elijah. Being that Rebekah did a lot of vampire stuff in front of Cami, Marcel compels her to forget and to go home. And Marcel takes Rebekah to the attic where he is holding the young and very powerful witch, Davina. Davina uses her magic to throw Rebekah out a window. Ouch.

Flashback

Rebekah is waking up from being daggered, and Klaus is sitting across from her.

“Well, its about time. I was bored waiting, but I did so want to see your face, and it is indeed priceless.”

“You bastard. What day is it?”

“Sunday.”

“I have been daggered for a whole week? Marcel, what have you done to him?”

“Its 1887, Rebekah. You’ve been daggered for 52 years.”

“What?”

“And don’t worry about Marcel, I presented him with a choice. He could choose to live out the rest of his human days with you, or I could turn him instead, as he’s always wanted, in exchange for giving you up.”

“No. He wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Oh, but he did.”

In present day Rebekah is laying in what was her old room, but is now Marcel’s. Marcel threatens Rebekah telling her that was once hers and her brothers is now his. Oh, and by the way, don’t ever touch Cami again.

Back at the plantation house, Hayley is sleeping and Klaus is snooping through her things wondering if she took the poison. Hayley wakes up and assures him that she didn’t. When she was fighting off the vampires, she was protecting the baby as well as herself. Klaus respects her strength, and calls her once again his endearing nickname for her, “little wolf.” Oh, and he’ll make sure they’ll have proper air conditioning.

Rebekah storms in the house and informs Klaus that Marcel’s secret weapon is Davina the Teenage Witch. Only, she can’t remember where she was because she wiped her memory of the location. Both Klaus and Rebekah vow to do what ever it takes to get Elijah back.

There you have it, the second episode of The Originals!

Power Rankings:

#5 goes to… HAYLEY MARSHALL!

For taking back your agency.

#4 goes to… MARCEL GERARD!

For fencing, swimming, and kissing.

#3 goes to… DAVINA CLAIRE!

For being badass Davina the Teenage Witch.

#2 goes to… KLAUS MIKAELSON!

For being the diabolical genius we all know and love.

#1 goes to… REBEKAH MIKAELSON!

For your conviction and perseverance.

[lahbarsaglini]

ᏴᎪᏟᏦᏚᎢᎪᏀᎬ

→ CHAPTER TWO

Second chapter! It’s recommended to read all “Backstage Masterlist” items available on my profile before or after reading this chapter! Hope you like it! 

Warnings: none actually

July 29, 2011

Orange County, Southern California - Atlanta, Georgia (USA) 

Typical of the family, during the last two weeks of July, everyone packed their bags to spend the rest of their summer holidays at the Valentini’s farm. At least the teenagers and the kids, since Alex and Moon’s work in LA didn’t allow such a long break. The man’s office rarely took time off, not to mention that the Korean woman couldn’t be out of her job for such a long period, she’s the boss. At least they got a weekend and the couple used the two days to take everyone to Atlanta.

When they lived in South Carolina, right next to Georgia, they used to take a road trip, in one of those SUVs. Now, living on the other side of the country, they needed to make use of the plane, and it is safe to say that it’s not the easiest thing in the world to get eleven tickets. It was the first time they would go there after they moved to California back in 2005, the first time without Uncle Matt or Sophie. Alexander used to take his wife and children and Matteo did the same with the triplets, spending nearly two weeks with the complete family on the farm. 

Naya was a little worried about the amount of money her parents had spent just on this trip. All right, her father came from a very fortunate family, her grandparents would pay their expenses for the rest of the summer and return tickets to Los Angeles, just as her mother had just started to have some success with her company. But sometimes the girl wondered how her parents could handle it: five kids and four adopted, a total of nine mouths to feed. Surely they weren’t easy to maintain.

Well, there would be one less now, since Liam would be moving to the dorms at college campus as soon as they returned. Alex and Moon would financially help their first born until he was settled in and got a job. The rule had been imposed by himself. He was the one who was most excited about this trip, because it would be his last time for a while with his family nearby every day. He was eager to show Nonna the photos of the university, and he was chattering endlessly beside Ethan on the plane, who had sat beside him. Obviously Ethan regretted it. 

Ethan’s plans were completely different from his older brother, who always dreamed of graduation and eventually a spot on an NFL team. As soon as this whole talk of college and scholarship had started at the family’s home, with only a year to decide on his future, he had come to the conclusion that having a degree was not in his plans. Naya wasn’t shocked, because she already knew that, studying in the same place as him. 

He never showed interest in studies, just enough to pass the year without red flags and leave that place for good. He still encouraged the other siblings a lot and even helped the younger ones with homework, but according to him “staying focused at a table with an open book is not for me”.

They didn’t take long to reach the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, which didn’t include stopovers. They arrived late in the afternoon and were able to rent two cars to go to the farm. Alex took the road ahead, accompanied in the vehicle by his wife, the twins and Joey. Just behind, Liam drove the SUV with Ethan, Naya, Lexie, Autie and Devyn. 

Liam seemed a little nostalgic to hear his brothers singing “Party Rock Anthem” as if there was no tomorrow. His heart was pounding because he knew he would miss it. Without exception, he had taken care of them all, being the oldest. When his parents were not at home, he was the one who was in charge and tried his best to keep an eye on everyone. Well, Ethan too, for being only a year younger, but he was someone more liberal and Liam used to be the hard one. Either way, he would miss it. Fighting with Ethan when he let the young ones eat candy before dinner, when Naya and Lexi started dating and he had his first jealousy attack related to the girls, of having his nails done by Autie and being dressed like a princess by Dev. Everyone was very close to each other, including their cousins in the other car.

Lost in thought, only then did he notice that his passengers had fallen asleep, then turned down the radio, which played a cheerful and motivating Katy Perry song, and he couldn’t contain a smile. He also would miss the feeling of peace and silence when his siblings were calm or sleeping.

— Is that the reason why you’re going to college?

Liam was surprised to hear Naya’s low voice, sitting just behind the driver’s seat, letting out a “what?” as he put both hands on the wheel.

— This is going to sound stupid, but… Do you believe you’ll get that kind of feeling there? Playing, I mean.

— What feeling? — The question was very confusing for Liam and he glanced at the girl through the rearview mirror.

— From Katy Perry song. Do you believe everything in college will be as if fireworks are exploding?

Oh, so it was the song she was talking about, he didn’t get the reference at first, because he wasn’t really listening to the radio. Anyways, it was something to reflect on.

— Do you want my honest answer?

— Yes.

— I don’t know, Nay. That’s what I like to do. — He followed his father’s left turn onto a dirty road. — But I know fireworks won’t happen when I get a contract, because we can’t be sure about anything. I believe I will be satisfied while I am on my way, surpassing myself. It’s more of a personal accomplishment, you know?

— Is that why you decided to leave home? — Devyn had woken up an was settling in her seat in the back row of the SUV.

— You could say so. — Liam considered Devyn being upset about his answer, but she was soon distracted by Pitbull and Ne-Yo singing and he noticed that Naya was quiet now. — Why do you, Nay?

— I was just thinking…

— About what?

— About what I want to do with my life. — The girl smoothed her hair behind her ear before putting her hands together in her lap and playing with the ring on her finger. — I don’t want to leave what I can do today for tomorrow.

— Is that why you’ve been so reflective lately? — He took one more look in the mirror. He knew his sister’s behavior was different from a few days ago. Naya was always the talkative type, who went out with friends over the first two weeks of vacation, but now he saw her reading information about artists in magazines and noticed she had been playing the guitar again. — And what do you want to do with your life?

Devyn hadn’t lasted long, her head was already leaning against the car window and her eyes were closed. 

— I want to mean something. — Maybe Naya could put it that way. — I want to inspire people to be who they are, to love each other. Help as many people as I can.

Silence hung in the air except for the radio.

— Do you think that’s possible, Liam?

Honestly, he laughed. Naya held her breath, her head boiling instantly with all the answers he could give.

— Nay, who said that was impossible?

[gershwintheatre]

For remember-me-with-smiles

So I had this idea where Walt found David after realizing he had a son out there. David, feeling miserable because he is not connecting with his military father meets Walt and discovers the truth. That Walt is his real dad and the fact that David is very impressionable pushes David to doing this. The idea behind Shelby being taken and the other girl being taken is this... David gets a blond, blue-eyed prostitute (basically a Jane Doe) and takes her into the woods while Walt kidnaps Shelby. Walt has always wanted Shelby so Walt kills the Jane Doe with the belief that if they make everyone believe it is Shelby then he could hide her away.

This context makes gives a lot of clarification to the outline! I think as long as you give a well-enough explanation of how David is Walt’s biological son and how they were separated it could work. I’d also keep in mind that though David is a negative character in the show he’s still a kid who was sent to Horizon because of his struggles. It may come across negatively to some readers to make him a villain.

For some reason I thought Shelby was closer to 18 which is why the whole under-age thing completely flew over my head. So in the case of this story, I guess Shelby will be older. I thought Shelby was going to be graduating from Horizon soon? I will have to go back and rewatch the last episode to see how Shelby’s story ends.

I admittedly haven’t watched the show in quite a while, but I believe Katherine was the only one close to graduation. I got the sense that she was the only senior in the group, and that the rest were sophomores or juniors. Not sure if this is helpful to you, but as a viewer I imagined Ezra, Juliette, Shelby, and maybe Scott were sophomores, Daisy and Auggie were juniors, and Kat was a senior.

As for Peter, I figure Shelby has always seen Peter as the Dad she never had and I felt like he would want to watch out for her too. I was thinking that at first he tries to convince her to stay and maybe she fools him into believing she would. However, Shelby is a runner and she takes off. Now my idea was to leave Jess in the dark for her safety and knowing she could trust Peter and Sophie to care for her.

I definitely agree with the father point, or at least that Shelby views him as a stand in for a parental figure! And I think it is reasonable that Shelby would feel she could trust them enough to leave her sister behind, especially if she consciously recognized how young her sister is and how difficult her (Shelby) life will be as she tries to leave her entire identity behind.

I still need to work out where JJ goes and the connections she makes. Another option is that Peter knows someone who puts her in witness protection because of Walt and David. In this case, she would have to know it was them. I’ve just honestly read some other JJ/Shelby stories where she is placed in witness protection and I didn’t want to seem like I was copying them, but if think of a way I can twist it I will consider it. If I do go the witness protection plot-line I lose the added shock value towards the end of the story, but it could work.

I think the witness protection program could work; I don’t have too much knowledge on how it works tbh, but it seems like something a reader could reasonably suspend a bit of belief over even if it isn’t the most realistic

Like I said above, I figure Peter would be the one person from her old life she would keep in contact with. Maybe her sister to if you think it’s worth adding. Peter watches over Shelby from a distance making sure she’s okay.

I think that as long as the story follows a certain path in terms of when & how Shelby leaves Horizon and changes her identity, then keeping in contact with Peter seems believable/feasible. Outside of these restraints, there’s also the factor of Shelby’s personality. If she were to keep in contact with him, she seems like the type of person that would keep sporadic contact and kind of does is begrudgingly (imo). All of this could also translate to a relationship with Jess, if you decide to go that route.  

At first I was going to have Peter write to her and or she calls him when she receives the invitation, but I figured an in-person meeting would make it harder for her to turn him down. If you don’t think Peter coming to her work is a good idea I could always have them meet maybe at a diner or at her home. A diner could be interesting and maybe a co-worker is there picking up breakfast and sees them talk. Of course they don’t know who this guy is sitting with JJ. Instead of them overhearing JJ talk about Shelby it could be the shock value of them recognizing a picture of Peter when they later look into Horizon. They remember JJ sitting with him. No matter the case, Peter reveals to JJ that her sister is still working at the school as a counselor and Scott is planning on visiting once the off-season of football starts up.

I think a non-work setting seems the most realistic, and the idea of a diner or other place that this person could see them sounds fun! The idea of them recognizing Peter seems like it would fit better in terms of realism, because Shelby/JJ’s interaction with him isn’t as incriminating (they don’t know exactly why she has a connection with him and can’t prove that she actually knows anything about the case), whereas her stating anything about the case is very damning.

If I do keep this part in... When JJ makes the loud statement about “Shelby died in the woods that night.” And her co-worker overhears I do believe that is something to be brought up later. Her team has a rule of not profiling each other so her teammate watches and waits for the right moment to confront her. Of course she pushes away and gets angry.

You’d have to be very careful about how this statement & her co-worker’s suspicions and how they tie in later. I think once it becomes known to her coworker that Shelby/JJ’s statement is tied to the case in any way, it may come across as unbelievable that her teammate would keep this completely under-wraps. Maybe they could confront her about it and if Shelby/JJ is able to give them a convincing enough answer they’d decide to keep quiet.

What I was really going for was the idea that her co-worker asks her about Shelby and JJ pushes away. Then when the name pops up during search history and the fact she was found in the woods they put it all together. That JJ knew this girl Shelby. Either this, or the co-worker recalls seeing JJ sitting with Peter at the diner.

Similar to my last point, I think this could work in the situation where Shelby gives them a convincing answer/lie to keep them quiet

I’m glad you like the idea about Ezra being the one who brings her the case. I was thinking more along the lines of Ezra being a story reporter rather than a police officer. He seemed to enjoy documentaries and creative writing at Horizon so I thought it would fit his character. My thought was that Ezra knew Shelby and when these similar cases start popping up he puts it all together and brings JJ the cases in the hopes of not only finding the person responsible but also getting an exclusive on the story.

I think this could definitely work as well; I can totally see him as a reporter!

I know I’m going overboard on the crossovers, but I figure the way I’m planning on doing it will make sense. So JJ meets Kat at the police station, she married Hank who is now the lead investigator. Just because Kat and JJ meet does not mean Kat has to recognize her. Daisy works at the ME. When they arrive at the station two of JJ’s co-workers head to the ME’s office and get their information. When they return and JJ hears whom the ME is she makes a visit while her teammates are off having dinner (maybe she fakes being ill and with her odd behavior they all let it slide). JJ runs into Daisy who has this instinct about who she really is. I felt they had a strong connection as teens. Its an eye opening moment for JJ, realizing these girls at the ME’s office could have been her had she not gotten away. As for Juliette, well her story turned out sad. After leaving Horizon she hooked back up with Auggie but when he died (maybe a rival gang caught up with him) Juliette lost her compass. She really lost her way and found herself on the streets. Because the girls being taken are prostitutes (Jane Does), I was thinking JJ’s team could be out canvasing local hook ups. There, JJ finds Juliette who can vaguely recall who might be taking the girls and how it is being done. I Thought this would be an interesting tie-in. Maybe JJ helps Juliette by bringing her to Kat who offers to help her get back on her feet.

Kat’s ties through Hank definitely seem believable, and I like the Daisy idea as well. I immediately pictured a scenario where Daisy doesn’t really let Shelby/JJ know if she recognizes her or not, and Shelby/JJ is kind of uncomfortable because of it, but at the end of their interaction as they are parting ways she says something kind of cryptic that leads us and Shelby to believe she recognizes her. It seems very in-character for Daisy to silently recognize Shelby and not let on that she recognizes her until they are parting ways. I can also totally picture her working for a ME. I think that’s also an interesting spin for Juliette’s character and could fit into the storyline. Tbh I visually pictured Ruby from the early seasons of Once Upon a Time (lol!), so if you were looking for another spinoff/reference, maybe she could be going by the name Ruby! I think in all situations where someone don’t recognize Shelby, it would be helpful to make this known to the reader so they aren’t thinking “why doesn’t so and so recognize her?”. Maybe portraying Shelby/JJ worrying that they will recognize her and being relieved when they don’t.

My idea was maybe JJ was told to pick up lunch for her teammates and when she returns she overhears Garcia talking about how there was a similar case 10 years ago. A Shelby Merrick. Her co-worker recalls JJ talking about a girl named Shelby. Either that or when a picture of Peter shows up the one profiler remembers seeing JJ with Peter. She decides to put the take-out food on the doorstep and takes a company car to Horizon. JJ knows its just a matter of time before they find out the truth and scared of what her teammates will think and also about her Horizon family finding out the truth about her running away she decided to go to Horizon. Knowing that her long ago boyfriend and sister are there she wants to come clean to them about what she did before it all breaks lose in front of her FBI crew.

This additional context definitely helps clarify things. I think this could also be a cool opportunity to exemplify the battle between her personality/identity as Shelby and JJ; in a situation like this it seems likely Shelby would instinctually try to run and avoid being found out, but JJ would be more likely to try to get a handle on things and prepare for when everything comes out.

There, she does run into Scott who is visiting the school during the off-season of Football and for the reunion. Jess is now working there as a counselor. I wasn’t planning on having Jess know about JJ, but as a reader if you think it is something worth adding then I will consider it. Maybe Peter and Jess were both people she wrote to. If I do decide to keep Jess in the dark I think JJ would have her reasons. She trusts Peter and Sophie to care for her and know Peter will keep her updated. Jess would have a hard time with JJ coming back, but I think regardless she would whether she knew the truth or not. It has been 10 years after all. So like I said, when JJ returns to Horizon Jess is working at the school. She counsels a group of kids, one being a girl similar to Shelby and Jess (doesn’t have to be the same childhood trauma but in looks). Somehow Jess and JJ get on the subject about a tiger necklace Jess wears. Walt used to call Jess and Shelby Kitten. The necklace is a reminder that he no longer can hurt them and that Jess is in control over her life. She doesn't have to live in fear.

I think either way could work for Jess. I definitely agree that reuniting with Shelby and/or realizing what happened to her would be a big moment for both and this stands out as something that can’t be rushed through.

When JJ arrives at Horizon she and Scott get into a big argument (the kind they used to have as teens…good old Shelby and Scott). Anyways, Peter suggests they go on a buddy hike to talk over what happened. No people, only nature and the two of them working together and talking. I was thinking that by the time they return to Horizon her team is just arriving and they do bring in Peter, Scott, and JJ for questioning. Her team figures it was Peter and Scott working as a team to take these girls and somehow JJ knows about Shelby. It’s during JJ’s interview that it all comes out, about Walt and her being Shelby. How she was taken one night when the Jane Doe was found and everyone thought it was her she felt like she could finally breath for the first time. She had her chance to make a new life for herself and she took it.

I really like the idea of being back at Horizon/around her old classmates bringing out her Shelby personality and letting the readers see the struggle she probably has with trying to suppress that part of herself so she can live as JJ. I could see this whole portion of the story really being a blend of her Shelby and JJ personalities, and the two identities kind of battling each other as her two worlds really collide.

While being interviewed that night Jess and the female student who resembles the two girls is taken. Jess leaves the tiger necklace for JJ to find knowing she would understand. Going off of the necklace and memories, JJ convinces her team that she knows who has them and where they are. She tells them the wrong location so she can get to them first and by the time they realize what has happened JJ is face to face with Walt and David.

As a reader, I would question why Walt/David decided to resurface on this specific night, so you’d want to make sure to have an explanation for this. I think this could also another opportunity to show the Shelby/JJ inner struggle.

Overall, this gave a lot of clarification! As I said, I think a really interesting opportunity with this story would be to see Shelby/JJ’s inner struggle as her two worlds collide.

[illbefinealonereads]

Blog tour day! Allow me to tell you more about Husband Material by Emily Belden, as well as share an excerpt from the book.

Husband Material : A Novel Emily Belden On Sale Date: December 30, 2019 9781525805981, 1525805983 Trade Paperback $15.99 USD, $19.99 CAD Fiction / Romance / Romantic Comedy 304 pages

Told in Emily Belden's signature edgy voice, a novel about a young widow's discovery of her late husband's secret and her journey toward hope and second-chance love.

Twenty-nine-year-old Charlotte Rosen has a secret: she’s a widow. Ever since the fateful day that leveled her world, Charlotte has worked hard to move forward. Great job at a hot social media analytics company? Check. Roommate with no knowledge of her past? Check. Adorable dog? Check. All the while, she’s faithfully data-crunched her way through life, calculating the probability of risk—so she can avoid it.

Yet Charlotte’s algorithms could never have predicted that her late husband’s ashes would land squarely on her doorstep five years later. Stunned but determined, Charlotte sets out to find meaning in this sudden twist of fate, even if that includes facing her perfectly coiffed, and perfectly difficult, ex-mother-in-law—and her husband’s best friend, who seems to become a fixture at her side whether she likes it or not.

But soon a shocking secret surfaces, forcing Charlotte to answer questions she never knew to ask and to consider the possibility of forgiveness. And when a chance at new love arises, she’ll have to decide once and for all whether to follow the numbers or trust her heart.

Advance Praise for Husband Material

“Tackling thorny questions of widowhood and dating after trauma, Belden's second novel is witty, full of heart, and blindingly au courant. Packed with pop-culture references, it will appeal to fans of Sophie Kinsella, Rosie Walsh, and Plum Sykes. Belden writes twists and turns to keep readers hooked.” —Booklist

“Charming.” —Publishers Weekly

“Sensitive, thoughtful, and touching.” —Library Journal

“In this touching, witty, and timely book, Emily Belden deftly explores the complexities of human relationships in our increasingly tech-obsessed world. By turns heartbreaking and laugh-out-loud funny, Husband Material beautifully demonstrates that you can't reduce love to a bunch of 1s and 0s.”

—Kristin Rockaway, author of How To Hack a Heartbreak

Buy Links: Harlequin Amazon Barnes & Noble Indie Bound Kobo Google Books

Author Bio: EMILY BELDEN is a journalist, social media marketer, and storyteller. She is the author of the novel Hot Mess and Eightysixed: A Memoir about Unforgettable Men, Mistakes, and Meals. She lives in Chicago. Visit her website at www.emilybelden.com or follow her on Twitter and Instagram, @emilybelden

Genre: Romance, Chick-Lit

Rating: 4/5 stars

Review: This was a very fun read for me. Belden writes in a style that I really enjoy, it feels fresh and light. Though the book tackled some heavy subjects, none of it was felt in the writing. The plot was paced well, and the way it progressed felt natural. The idea behind the book was beautifully executed. The characters were well developed and set up in a way that kept the book dynamic and entertaining. Though the characters aren’t relatable, straying from most books in the romance genre, Husband Material didn’t need to rely on that to make the book as enjoyable as it was. All it needed was the wit that Belden incorporated in it, and that was enough for me.

Excerpt:

Well, that’s a first.

And I’m not talking about the fact that I brought a date to a wedding I’m pretty sure didn’t warrant me a plus-one. I’m talking about grabbing a wedding card that just so happened to say “Congrats, Mr. & Mr.” on my way to cele­brate the nuptials of the most iconic heterosexual couple since George and Amal. This—and a king-sized KitKat bar from the checkout lane—is what I get for rushing through the greet­ing card aisle in Target while my Uber driver waited in the loading zone with his f lashers on.

It’s Monica and Danny’s big day. She’s my coworker, whose gorgeous face is constantly lining the glossy pages of Luxe LA magazine. Not only because she’s one of the leading ladies at Forbes’s new favorite company, The Influencer Firm, but because this socialite-turned-CEO is now married to Dan­iel Jones—head coach of the LA Galaxy, Los Angeles’s pro­fessional soccer team. If you’re thinking he must look like a derivative of an American David Beckham, you’re basicallythere. Let’s just hope their sense of humor is as good as their looks when they see the card I accidentally picked out.

Before I place it on the gift table, I stuff the envelope with a crisp hundred-dollar bill fresh from the ATM. Side note: I think wedding registries are bullshit. Everybody wants an ice cream maker until you have one and never use it, which is why I spring for cold, hard cash instead. I grab a black Sharpie marker from the guest book table, pop the cap off, and attempt to squeeze in a nondescript s after the second “Mr.,” hoping my makeshift, hand-drawn serif font letter doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb. I blow on the fresh ink, then hold the pseudo Pinterest-fail an arm’s length away. That’ll do, I think to myself.

I lift a glass of red wine from a caterer’s tray as if we cho­reographed the move and check the time on my Apple Watch, which arguably isn’t the most fashionable accessory when dressing for a chic summer wedding. But aside from the fact that it doesn’t quite match my strapless pale yellow cocktail dress, it serves a much greater purpose for me. It keeps my data front and center, right where I want it, not on my phone buried somewhere deep in my purse. Bonus: the band, smack-dab on the middle of my wrist, also covers a tattoo I’ve been meaning to have lasered off.

Other than telling me the time, 7:30 p.m., it also serves up my most recent Tinder notifications. I’ve gotten four new matches since this morning, which isn’t bad for a) a Saturday, since most people do their Tindering while zoning out at work or bored in bed at night; and b) a pushing-thirty New York native whose most recent relationship was the love-hate one with a stubborn last ten pounds. That’s me, by the way. Charlotte Rosen.

Though present and accounted for now, the battle of Tide pen vs. toothpaste stain went on for longer than I intended back at my apartment, causing me to arrive about half an hour late to the cocktail hour. Which means I for sure missed Monica and Dan’s ceremony in its entirety. I, of all people, know that’srude. I’m someone who is hypersensitive to people’s arrival ten­dencies (well, to all measurable tendencies, to be honest; more on that later). But I’m sort of glad I missed the I Dos, as there is still something about witnessing the exchange of vows that makes me a little squeamish. I got married five years ago and, well, I’m not married anymore—let’s put it that way.

The good news is that with time, I can feel it’s definitely getting easier to come to things like this. To believe that the couple really will stay together through it all. To believe that there is such a thing as “the one”—even if it may actually be “the other” that I’m looking for this next go-round.

Late as I may be to the wedding party, there are some perks to my delayed arrival. Namely, the line at the bar has died down enough for me to trade up this mediocre red wine for a decent gin and tonic. Another perk? Several fresh platters of bacon-wrapped dates have just descended like UFOs onto the main floor of the venue, which happens to be a barn from the 1800s. Except this is Los Angeles, and there are no barns from the 1800s. So instead, every creaky floorboard, every corroded piece of siding, and every decrepit roof shingle has been sourced from deep in the countryside of southwest Iowa to create the sense that guests are surrounded by rolling fields, fragrant orchard blossoms, and fruiting trees. The reality being that just outside the wooden walls of the coveted, three-year-long-wait-list Oak Mill Barn stands honking, gridlocked traf­fic on the 405 and an accompanying smog alert.

As I continue to wait for my impromptu wedding date, Chad, to come back from the bathroom, I robotically swipe left on the first three guys who pop up on Bumble, another dating app I’m on, then finally decide to message a guy who looks like a bright-eyed Jason Bateman (you know, pre-Ozark) and is a stockbroker, according to his profile. We end up matching and he asks me for drinks. I vaguely accept. Wel­come to dating in LA.

I’ve conducted some research that has shown that after the age of thirty, it becomes exponentially harder to find your fu­ture husband. What number constitutes exponentially? I’m not sure yet, but I’m working on narrowing in on that because generalities don’t really cut it for me. Thinking through things logically like this centers me, calms me, and resets me—no matter what life throws my way. All that’s to say, I’m officially in my last good year of dating (and my last year of not having to include a night serum in my skin care regimen), and I’m determined not to wind up with my dog, my roommate, and a few low-maintenance houseplants as my sole life partners.

“Sorry that took so long,” says Chad, returning from the men’s room twenty minutes after leaving. “Did you know the bathroom at this place is an actual outhouse? Thank god it was leg day at the gym—I had to squat over the pot. My quads are burning nice now.”

Confession. I didn’t just bring a date to the wedding, I brought a blind date.

No worries, though. Monica knows how serious I am about the path to Mr. Right and supports the fact that I go on my fair share of dates to get me there quicker. Plus, he isn’t a total stranger; she knows him—or, she met him, rather. He attended her work event last week at the LA County Museum of Art and is supposedly this cute, single real estate something or other. Of course he tried to hit on her and, unlike most beau­tiful people in Los Angeles, Monica actually copped to being in a committed relationship with Danny. (Who doesn’t like to brag they’re marrying Mr. Galaxy himself?) So she did the next best thing and gave him her single coworker’s Instagram handle and told him to slide into my DMs. It’s a bold move on her part, but I appreciate her quick thinking and commit­ment to my cause, Operation: Reclassify My Marital Status.

Since Chad first messaged me a week ago, I’ve done my homework on him. And I’m not talking about just your basic cyber stalking. I’m talking about procuring and sifting through real, bona fide data. It’s essentially a version of what I’m paid to do for a living—track down all the “influencers,” people with a lot of fans and followers on the internet, and match them to events we plan for our clients so they can post on so­cial media and boost our clients’ profiles.

Some may think my side-project software, the one that com­putes how much of a match I am with someone, is a bit…much, but I don’t see it that way at all. I’m on the hunt for a man who is a true match for me—one who won’t just up and leave in the blink of an eye. I left things up to fate once and look how that turned out. I’ll be damned if I do it that way again.

While I studied up on Chad, I conducted a hefty “image search,” yielding about a hundred photos of him that have been uploaded across a variety of social platforms over the years. In real life, I’m pleased to say he checks out. Chad is over six feet tall, tanned, and toned, with coiffed Zac Efron hair that’s on the verge of being described as “a bit extra.” From the shoul­ders up, he’s an emoji. A walking, talking emoji. But as I step back and admire him in his expertly tailored suit, he looks like a contestant on The Bachelor. In retrospect, Chad is just the right amount of good-looking to complement my physical appearance, which can be described as a made-for-TV version of an otherwise good-looking actress.

“Something to drink, sir?” one of the caterers asks Chad.

“Yes. A spicy margarita. Unless… Wait. Do you make the margarita mix yourselves? Or is it, like, that sugary store-bought crap?”

Eek. I had forgotten my discovery that Chad is a bit of a…wellness guru. I guess so is everyone in LA, but I can’t help but be taken aback when I hear that there are people who actually care about the scientific makeup of margarita mix.

“Fuck it. Too many calories either way,” Chad announces before giving the waitress a chance to answer his question. “I’ll just take a whiskey.”

“Splash of Coke?”

“God, no. So many empty calories.”

With his drink order in, Chad rolls his neck around and pops bones I never knew existed. Then, one by one, the joints in his fingers. The sound makes me a bit queasy but I’m try­ing to focus on the positive, like his beautiful hazel eyes and the fact that cherry tomatoes and mini mozzarella balls with an injection of balsamic vinegar are the latest and greatest munchie to hit the floor.

Chad turns to me with a smile, his palm connecting with the small of my back. “Should we find our seats? What table are we at?”

Good question, I think to myself. I’m at table six. Chad is…on a fold-up chair we will have to ask a caterer to squeeze between me and Monica’s great-aunt Sally? I kind of forgot to mention to him that I didn’t really get an official okay to bring him tonight.

“Table six,” I say pleasantly with a smile.

“Six is my lucky number. Well, that, and nine, if you know what I mean,” Chad says with a wink accompanied by an ac­tual thumbs-up.

The waitress comes back with his whiskey neat, and he proposes we clink our glasses in a toast to meeting up as we make our way to the table. Still not over the lingering effects of his immature, pervysixty-nine joke, I reluctantly concede to do the cheers with the perpetual high-schooler.

“So, what did you think of Monica’s event?” I say to break the ice as we take our seats at the luckily empty round table.

“Well, I don’t really know what she does for a living, but she is fine as hell. I mean, that’s why I hit on her last week atthe LACMA. Sure, I saw the ring on her finger, but couldn’t resist saying hi to a goddess like her. My god, that woman is something else.”

I nod in agreement. Partly because, yes, Monica Hoang needs her own beauty column in Marie Claire, stat. And partly because I’m too shocked by his crass demeanor to really do or say anything else. Did I say Chad reminded me of a contes­tant on The Bachelor? I think I meant he reminds me of a guy who gets sent home on night one of The Bachelor.

“She said you’re a real estate…attorney, was it?” I awk­wardly segue. “What’s your favorite neighborhood in Los Angeles?”

It sounds like I’m interviewing him for a job, which in a way, I am. But had I known the conversation was going to be like forcefully wringing out a damp rag, just hoping to squeeze out something semidecent, I would have never invited him to join me at the wedding. In fact, I likely wouldn’t have gone through with a date, of any kind, at all. Conversation skills rank high on my list of preferred qualities in a mate. Looks like he’s the exception to the rule that attorneys are good lin­guists, because my app sure as shit didn’t predict this fail.

So how does my software work, then? Well, it’s all about compatibility. My algorithm is programmed to know what I like and what I’m looking for in the long term. So to see if a guy is a match, I comb through his online profiles, enter the facts I find out about him, and generate a report that indi­cates how likely he is to be my future husband or how likely we would be to get a divorce, for example. One of the most helpful stats is how likely we are to go on a second date. I’ve determined that anyone scoring above 70 percent means that chances are good we’d go out again. And, well, a second date is the first step to marriage. You get the point. Anyone below a 70, I ignore and move on. Chad pulled a 74, which is a solidC if you’re using a high school grading system. Not stellar, but certainly passable with room for improvement.

As it’s turning out, there’s a lot of room for improvement.

“Huh? I’m not in real estate,” he says with a confused look on his face.

“Oh, Monica said you were an attorney at Laird & Hutchin­son?”

“Well, yes, that’s the name of our firm. The Laird side is real estate. But they acquired Hutchinson a couple years ago, and that’s the side of the practice I work on.”

“What kind of law is Hutchinson?”

“We’re the ‘Life’s too short, get a divorce!’ guys. You’ve probably seen a few of our company’s billboards.”

Chad slides his business card my way, and as soon as I see the logo, I picture those billboards slathered all over the bus stop benches down Laurel Canyon Drive and feel physically ill. Not only because he’s in the business of making divorce seem cheeky, but also because I’m wondering what other things I might have missed or gotten wrong about Chad.

“Wait. So have you ever been divorced?” The question pops off my tongue involuntarily. As soon as the words come out, I remember he reserves the right to ask me the same question in return and immediately regret posing it. I’m not ready to explain the demise of my first marriage.

“Me? Nah. Never married.”

Luckily, a server reappears to take our dinner order. But let it be known that if Chad had asked, I would have explained that I didn’t give up on my life partner because I was frus­trated he failed to load a dishwasher in any sort of methodical way. I didn’t just get bored and say “screw it,” chalking the whole thing up as just a starter marriage (google it, this is a thing now). In fact, if anyone abruptly left anyone, he aban­doned me out of nowhere.

“Would you like the chicken and veggies or the short rib and scalloped potatoes?” the caterer asks me.

“Short rib and potatoes,” I say, a game-time decision made entirely by my growling stomach.

At that, Chad looks at me like I rolled into the Vatican wear­ing a tube top. “You sure about that, Char? There are so many hidden carbs in potatoes,” he whispers with a hint of disgust.

First off, Char is reserved for people with a little more ten­ure in my life, thankyouverymuch. And secondly—

“Yes, I’m sure. An extra scoop of potatoes if possible,” I say, loud enough for our waitress, who jots down the special instruction.

“Chicken for me. Extra veggies,” my 74 percent match re­quests.

There it is. His wellness obsession flaring up again. I’m racking my brain for what to say next to a guy who screams “dead end” to me.

 Excerpted from Husband Materialby Emily Belden, Copyright ©2019 by Emily Belden. Published by Graydon House Books.