#but clearly he's not there yet and shouldn't be like...in relationships (/r or /p) until he figures this out. and he needs to figure it out

[tommyssupercoolblog]

not putting the reblog banner on this one bc it would feel disrespectful. anyway big fucking mood, felt in my soul. trying SO HARD not to think abt the drama rn.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?)

tw || csa/cocsa || r-word || mentions of sh || triggering subjects

vent || but i need advice

i went through cocsa from ages 4 until before i turned 10. i don't remember the full details but very very vivid image snippets of the events. it messes me up honestly. and it interfered with the relationship i had with myself, body and intimacy. i've always told myself that i wouldn't have sex with anyone because of my fucked up relationship with intimacy. i view sex as something that constitutes giving up my control and that takes away my autonomy over my own body. i frequently masturbated and it left me with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame... and yet i would do it again. and the cycle would continue.

fast forward, i'm 19 now. and i recently had sex for the first time. my boyfriend and i were grinding against each other and it slipped. i told him over and over and over again that i wasn't ready to have sex. he was the one that suggested that we grind against each other, i just think that he could have done more to protect my interests. anyways, we had sex... and suddenly i was back then, being made into a sexual being before i was ready. we had sex two time and then i fell asleep. while i was sleeping my boyfriend r-a-p-e-d me. he says he doesn't remember while i am tormented by vivid memories and dreams of the r-a-p-e. i didn't break up with him, we're still together. after the r-a-p-e thing happened, we had sex again which was mostly me selfharming. i was triggered. and we spoke about it, i told to ignore my advances because i am selfharming and he promised me that he would. we agreed that we won't have sex until we were sure that i was healed. which was okay. except that one of my trauma responses is being addicted to him. i intiated sex and he entertained my advances which left me triggered again. he was worried about triggering me but he had no problem sticking his dick inside me even though he knew it will most likely trigger me and even though he promised me that he'll ignore my advances. his touch triggers me and it burns me but because of my stupid fucking addiction to him, i just to have sex with him all the time. he claims to care about me but he only needs me to ask him twice before he gives in. it honestly feels like he'd rather fulfill his sexual needs than protect me from myself. i feel selfish and unreasonable because i am the one that initiates the sex. am i the problem and am i right in feeling like this towards my boyfriend? or is this a legit trauma response?

sorry for the long post :(

Hello,

What your partner is doing is wrong, he was willing to rape you, therefore, he is sexually abusive. Even the first time if you were telling him you didn't want to and he wore you down then that was sexual abuse as well.

You are absolutely experiencing a trauma response. In multiple ways, the trauma response, likely along the lines of hypersexuality which was likely developed from your early experiences. And on top of that as you said you're caught in an addiction-like cycle with your partner. You are being traumatized during this abusive relationship. Going through this trauma is going to only worsen the trauma-responses

It can be confusing for partners when we have an "I hate you, don't leave me" response. When we both set a boundary but then push on that boundary ourselves. However, if you clearly explain what is happening, a partner should respect it. And if they can not do that, separating themselves from you is a kinder action to stay and continue to play a part in your trauma cycle.

You did tell him what was going on, he shouldn't continue to do actions he knows will trigger you. Again as I said it can be hard to be in relationships when people have complicated trauma responses, but if it has been talked about you should follow the decisions made when both parties are in a healthy state of mind, not when one partner is experiencing a trigger. If one party persist in doing more actions that trigger the other person, they doing abusive behaviour.

Crossing boundaries and doing things you know will hurt your partner are committing abuse.

If you can reaching out to someone who is close to you (geographically) and who can help you deal with the traumatic stress you are under while in the relationship and when possible get out of this relationship.

I will remind you you have worth, you can get out, and you can heal.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2