csa-survivor-confessions

[csa-survivor-confessions]

?is it normal to wish that the online abuse you went through was real? Sometimes I wish that the person who groomed me was present in my real life and touched me in real life. Then it would feel real. I hate myself for thinking like this, it feels evil.

Hello,

I think that's really common, we do tend to always compare our abuse to other people's and feel like ours isn't as bad as others and therefore we don't deserve to suffer. We tend to think that if our abuse was "worse", then our suffering would be justified, but you don't need to justify your trauma; it has always been " bad enough." Non-contact abuse is abuse and can cause sexual trauma.

Your abuse was real, "real" thinking it's somehow "fake" abuse isn't true, it is real. One, online sexual abuse is considered abuse by people who work with sexual abuse. Any sexual interactions with a minor is sexual abuse; children can't consent to sexual things. Thinking of your abuse as "fake" doesn't actually make victims of contact abuse victims get more resources or more respect from other people; it doesn't help them. So challenging those beliefs and working to see your abuse as just different, not "less than", might help.

You're not evil for having these thoughts; they are common. But just know that they aren't true, your abuse is enough and comparing your trauma to others just makes you and other people feel bad. Again, you're not bad for having them, but it's your mind playing tricks on you.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[csa-survivor-confessions]

so when i was in preschool, like 3/4 years old i vividly remember being kinda pressured by a friend (who was also my age) but also not really hating it and not discouraging it- it might’ve been a little pressure at first but eventually i didn’t mind- to engage in mildly sexual acts on multiple occasions

i then remember in like kindergarten through 3rd grade saying things and just knowing things that i shouldn’t have logically known at that age because i don’t remember ever learning that and still don’t know how i knew that (like about certain body parts and how boobs and butt are like different from other body parts in that they are sexual, i also remember telling a male friend i would show them my boobs when i get them in 1st grade)

i also remember being really hypersexual from kindergarten through high school and i like knew how to and would m*sterbate before i even really knew what sex was (like kindergarten age +)

all this makes me feel really sorta gross but idk what to do about it and i don’t know if it really ‘counts’ because i don’t actually remember being abused like other people do. does it count? is this even abuse or was i just a weird kid?

Hello,

Being pressured into sexual acts, even if you continued to do these sexual acts with less overt coercion needed later on, is abuse. You were a small child, you can't consent to sexual acts in the first place, but any person who "consents" to sexual acts with someone after being pressured into previous sexual acts with that person was still assaulted, it doesn't matter what happens after. And often you become habituated to the sexual abuse and it doesn't feel like it takes pressure anymore because you've been conditioned to feel like you want to do these things.

Their being another child also doesn't make it not abuse, child-on-child (COCSA) sexual abuse is a real thing. Young children might not understand the full extent of the harm they are doing to the other child but that doesn't mean it doesn't cause harm, Your trauma and the pain and confusion this has caused you is valid and it makes perfect sense that you are struggling. There is nothing wrong with you for having been hurt by this other person.

If none of the information was imparted during the earliest abuse, some of what you describe knowing might come from being exposed to media that was too mature for you to have seen. Or possible internet pornography. Other sexual trauma could have happened of course but I can't say if you've repressed trauma or not. Sexual trauma via early exposure to sexual information can be very real, even there was no other direct contact sexual abuse.

Masturbation to the point that it caused harm. Like taking time out of your life, was done at inappropriate times, done to the point it hurt yourself, or other things that damaged your life could come from the abuse you suffered as a small child. Sexual abuse at such a young age could definitely cause masturbation to be done without knowing what sex was. Masturbation can also be done as a young kid and it can be normal. Masturbation can be done without knowing what sex is because it feels good due to the fact there is so many nerve endings, so it could be a combination of some CSA effects and the normal behaviours of development.

Other hypersexual behaviours could have come from the CSA when you were very small, combined with very early exposure to sexual content. It can be related to other mental health struggles you could have been going through, as other mental health disorders can cause some hypersexual behaviours. Other sexual trauma could have happened of course but I can't say if you've repressed trauma or not. It all depends on what behaviours were happening, the thoughts underlying and other factors. But I am sorry you went through that.

You weren't weird. You were abused and then struggled with symptoms and possible exposure to things that were too mature for you to have seen. You shouldn't feel gross for having had sexual thoughts as a minor a lot of people go through sexual trauma as a minor and masturbation as a minor is very normal, so there is no shame in that.x

I hope this helps,

-Admin 1

[csa-survivor-confessions]

?

How do I know if someone is a predator? And how do I know if someone groomed me, sexually or non sexually?

For context this is one person I’m talking about. I met him when I was 15 yo and he was 17 yo. He never touched me physically or physically abused me but he did psychologically abuse me (mentally, emotionally, verbally). This also happened technically to a group of people but I am no longer in contact with the others in the group as they defended this person (though not for the sexual stuff)

As for what he did that could make him a predator:

When he was 19-20 years old he engaged in sexual talk and sent sexual images and content to me when I was 17 yo and other minors as young as 14 yo (There were between 5-10 minors in this situation). INCLUDING one he self admittedly sees as a younger brother figure. He also absolutely knew this was wrong, he literally asked “Can I join the conversation? Just wanted to ask before joining because I know you guys are minors”. He talked about what sexual things he wanted to be done to him by characters he liked and me and the other at the time minors joined in, we didn’t realize it was wrong cause we thought he could do no wrong. If I remember correctly he did this multiple times. I was also recently told by another person who’s also ex friends with him that he had done it previously. So he has a history of doing it.

As for the grooming question:

I already stated this briefly above but he made me and everyone else in the group think that he could do no wrong. That even illegal things he did were okay because “Oh it’s [name]!”. He made sure that everyones parents trusted him (He admitted directly to me that he wanted everyones parents to trust him so that they wouldn’t be worried (I think he said specifically about what we did with him?)). He would purposefully target my paranoia that I have so if I ever thought bad of him / realized what he did then I would be too scared to say anything (which did work for a bit after I stopped being friends with him). He acted like he was mine and the rest of the group’s older brother figure cause we all either didn’t have older siblings or had a bad relationship with them. He also purposefully isolated me from people outside of the friend group by saying others were bad people. In general he was very controlling. And also as said above he talked about sexual things with us as minors, though I don’t know if that was the purpose of his behavior, though he did also talk about literally having sex with his at the time boyfriend when I was 15 yo and he was 17 yo (though he didn’t really go into detail so I don’t know if it would be considered bad).

It took me literal months to realize that him talking sexually with me was a literal crime so I’m not sure if what he did was grooming / if he is a predator

Being 19/20 and talking about explicit sexual information like what you want characters or real people to do to you with people as young as 14 is just straight up sexual abuse, just to be clear for everybody.

Predator is something that means multiple things. Sometimes it means having done a violent sexual crime in which case he wouldn't be. In some definitions, it's repeated sexual exploitative crimes in which case he would be considered a predator. And sometimes it just has to be done against a minor, in which case, he would also be a predator. So it depends on what definition you're going on if he would be considered a predator or not.

The sexual behaviour can't really be separated from the other behaviour, in my opinion, as abuse is all tied together as people use all tactics are combined. But it does sound like this person was grooming you and the other people in this group. Convincing people to trust you implicitly, isolation, creating tight bonds, making parents trust you around the child victims, playing on anxieties, and even doing things like acting like he's respecting boundaries and going on to break them are all grooming tactics. Feeling like you can't tell people about what your abuser is doing to you is a very common grooming effect. This is likely behaviour that was meant to groom you to be okay with the sexual abuse of you and the other people in the group. Grooming is very similar no matter what the end goal of the grooming beahviour is, but you can call it sexual grooming if that makes more sense for you.

I hope this helps,

-Admin 1

[csa-survivor-confessions]

I watched an Elizabeth Smart documentary recently and realized when I hear other survivors talk about their healing, I get almost jealous of their abuse when I KNOW they had it worse than me, but they seemed to have healed so my much better than I have. It's almost like I wish my abuse was worse because then I feel like I'd have a real reason to be so messed up.

I know we can't compare our abuse or our healing, especially because we don't see their day to day struggles, but I can't help it.

For example, Elizabeth had horrendous things happen to her, but now she's married, she has children, she changes legislation.

Meanwhile, I'm rotting away on my couch with no relationships filled up with zoloft and buspar just to make it through a single day.

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[csa-survivor-confessions]

i know it's bad but i wish it was worse i wish i was actually assaulted and i keep looking for it but I'll never know and it kind of eats at me. It's never bad enough to count it just has to be worse and then it'll be bad enough. I want it all to finally make sense maybe if it's bad enough it'll finally click and fall into place and I don't have to keep trying to prove to myself that it actually was enough

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[csa-survivor-confessions]

“Am I the only person who has never seen csam online?” Well aren’t you lucky. Good for you. I don’t like the insinuation that people must be actively looking for csem to find it. I was sent pictures of little girls with their legs spread dressed in a ballerina outfit when I was too young to understand that I wasn’t talking to the girls in the pictures. I was sent a link to videos of csam and I have it burned into my memory of watching a grown man rape a little girl. I was innocently on Instagram in middle school when I was alerted by my friends and other accounts I followed that there were accounts posting csam and to go report them. I saw videos of people forcing little boys to have sex with each other. So I’m glad you’ve never seen csam online, but I and so many other children have. And I hate the assumption that seeing it = seeking it out or enjoying it. I was a child too.

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[csa-survivor-confessions]

things that made me stop wanting to die that require no effort whatsoever

change the color used to highlight text on your laptop

move the pictures on your wall

stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all

slightly vary your commute, even just by one street

change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed

drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real

shower with the lights off, without music

buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room

start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing

wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night

listen to the entirety of your favorite album from 2015

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?) how do you get over the guilt of feeling like you haven’t gone through something “bad enough” to be traumatized? I had some friends in middle-high school (mostly high school) that always acted like they were the biggest victims in the world and that the only real trauma was the trauma they had. To this day, I feel bad for labeling the online sexual exploitation and grooming I’ve gone through as traumatic. Because for one of my old friends, she was actually assaulted multiple times in real life when she was in middle school. And of course, her trauma was always treated as more serious and more important than anyone else’s. I think being around people like this for so long genuinely warped my brain, because I have a hard time believing that what I’ve gone through is bad enough. It especially doesn’t help when I see people online (mostly twitter) saying that anyone who has been abused over the internet is overreacting and the only real victims are the ones who have been assaulted/raped in real life. Everything just feels so invalidating, is there anything I could do to rewire my brain and stop it from constantly nagging me? I want to believe that what I’ve been through is bad enough but it’s so hard. Sometimes I just want to go “nevermind I have no sexual trauma because I haven’t been raped in real life, I’ve been lying to everyone and myself this whole time!” so that my brain will finally shut up.

Hello,

Moving away from value judgments entirely. Stop trying to make yourself believe it was "bad enough". Nothing is "bad enough". Move away from also believing others are "bad enough" as well.

If you think of your trauma and your brain starts trying to tell you other people "have it worse" or that your trauma "isn't bad enough," take a step back and say "no one has it worse, there is no ranking".

Moving away from the trauma olympics entirely will be really helpful here. It's less about believing you've gone through something as bad as someone else as it is about deciding there is no ranking. No one should ever be mistreated and harmed sexually in any way, and that's the only line that really matters.

Trauma is also not defined by the event when it comes to what a person experiences. If these people knew anything about trauma, they would know that trauma is defined by the mind and body of the person who went through an experience. Anything that overwhelms a persons capacity to integrate an experience can be traumatic, end of. If the grooming exploitation was stressful on your nervous system and your mind couldn't properly integrate the experience and caused dysreguation then you were traumatized. People don't actually understand what trauma is.

You're friends were likely young and belived that Contact CSA was more important and more intense. This is a common belief and it makes sense that they might act like this. It's unfair and I'm sorry. They likely were trying to grasp on to their own trauma and belive it was bad "bad enough" and I'm sorry. If they were all trying to validate your friend who had just been sexual assault multiple times, it might not have all been trying to invalidate your trauma as it was trying to support this person's trauma. But i can see how that could translate to what your feeling.

For a lot of these people online are throwing around words and downplaying victims of NCCSA to validate their own pain. It's cruel to other victims but they are grabbing at ways to satiate their own pain. It's a way to try and feel like their abuse/assault was "bad enough" to say "here i am I'm in pain". Another set don't actually want any survivors to be taken seriously because they don't take SA seriously in general so they're not worth ever listening to.

Again the best thing to do is just pull away from the rat race of trying to put ranks on pain. When you find yourself ranking pain just reminded yourself there is no reason to rank abuse, all sexaul harm and abuse is wrong and all trauma is relative. Everyone's pain real and everyone's.

I hope this helps,

-Admin 1

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?)

Hi! So I don’t really talk about this to anyone because it’s always made me feel gross yet that feeling’s never felt justified. I don’t really know what to make of it.

I was frequently on online spaces since I was around 6 or 7. I had a rough go at school, so I found my solace in making friends online. This kind of led to weirdly close friendships with people much older than me even though I was an obvious child. I often think “wow, I can’t believe I never ended up in any actual weird situations given all this” but then I’ll remember something and I feel gross.

Anyway, when I was around 9 or 10 I was still avid in roleplay spaces. I made a lot of friends, most of them being 13-18. I had a close friend, around 13 or 14 at the time, and we’d roleplay over text a lot. Since we were close, I think I’d already said my age by this point. In any case, we ended up doing sexually explicit roleplays. It became frequent, and it went on for months. Maybe even a year, I don’t remember. I was never pressured into it, I was fine with it, if anything it made me feel “cool” and “mature”. After a long time of this happening though, I slowly started to not feel right about it. I asked if we could stop doing those, and they gave me no trouble.

I don’t know what to make of this. I still feel gross thinking about it today. They were a minor too, so I just don’t know how to feel. It was also just online roleplaying, and they didn’t give me any trouble when I put a stop to it. In the years following I tried laughing it off to get over the actual shame and disgust I felt, but when I reached the age that they were, I remember thinking to myself “I would never do that. I would never do that with a kid. I would never even be friends with someone that age”.

Is this, well, anything?

"(Part 2 to the anon about the RPing, sorry!)

I left some things out. I already though about sexual things a lot at that age, since I was exposed to graphic content from being on the internet so early. So I think that I was the one who’d initiate the explicit RP in the first place. I thought it’d make me mature, especially since I knew they would do it with friends their own age. Later on though, they would initiate it at times. Even after I put a stop to it, we’d still make explicitly sexual jokes and conversations frequently. There weren’t really any appropriate boundaries that I hadn’t already set.

We continued to be close friends for multiple years. Even now we’re still mutuals, and they’re now a grown adult. The sexually explicit conversations I’d have with them and other teenagers made me flip-flop between frequently thinking about sex and talking about it to people older than me to being fully averse to it throughout my preteen and early teen years. I get anxious whenever I remember what had happened, my nervous system goes crazy and I feel sick to my stomach. Even typing this now I’m shaking. I’ve never recounted this to anyone before beyond brief jokes about how crazy of a kid I was.

I guess what I struggle with most is my discomfort not feeling justified. I was 9/10. But they were also a kid. They were only around 14. I’d always tell myself when I was 14 that I’d never even think of talking to a kid that age, let alone so explicitly. But I don��t know what was going on in their own life, and it’s hard for me to feel any justified resentment towards them. Just a strong sense of disgust and shame directed at myself. They weren’t trying to initiate a relationship with me, it was only roleplays and jokes and occasional conversation. And after all, it was all online and there was no actual “sexting” going on. I can’t help but blame myself or feel like I’m overreacting. We were both kids."

Hello,

Explicit roleplay can definitely be traumatic, as it is sexual and can cross boundaries. Because you're still textually simulating sexual situations this can cause real sexual trauma and affect a person's developing sexuality, sense of self and relationship to sex, even if there are no images exchanged.

Feeling upset and getting dysregulated when thinking about the situation is perfectly understandable, and this isn't nothing. This is a real situation where it makes sense that it was traumatic for you, and was part of the situation where you lacked healthy boundaries with people online at such a young age.

Being heavily online at 6 or 7 was probably damaging to your mind already and caused problems, as the internet is very sexual. I think this likely worsens negative sexual messaging from culture, making the need to be sexual at a younger age even stronger and the toxic hyper-sexual messaging more potent than it already is in some parts of our culture. Being heavily online that young could have been damaging in and of itself, even if there was no abusive behaviour by any specific parties.

I think you are right to think that a teenager should know better than to be sexual with a 9 or 10-year-old. Even if you are the one starting the sexual talk, a 13/14 year old and a 10 year old there is enough of a maturity gap that, baring other circumstances, that older child is old enough to be considered responsible for knowing that there is a degree, failing all else, an “ick” factor to imagining being sexual with a kid. 

Now I can’t say for sure what was in this other person’s head. ou might have initiated the first one but continuing to initiate the situation without other factors, I really think I can consider this to be COCSA. Someone old enough to have a maturity gap was simulating sex with you; you have every right to feel violated and hurt by this situation. And they really should have known better to start with if they were a teen and you were 10 year old.

And while I understand why you would feel somewhat responsible for opening the door, this other person had the ability to close it and didn’t till you did and then continued to make sexual comments and jokes. 

Being a minor does mean that your understanding of sex is limited, and you can’t consent to sex yourself. Likely, there were a lot of complicated factors for this other person. A lot might have been wrong on their side, as they needed your attention and connection. And I think it’s very kind of you to take their status as also still being young and likely not fully grasping sex as a mitigating factor. But I don't think this at all means it’s all your fault or that your feelings of knowing that a teenager should know better than a 10-year-old is unfair. 

This sounds like it was traumatic for you and your emotions are valid. It is a real experience that it makes sense to be hurt by. And you have every right to be hurt, and you are not disgusting or shameful. 

I hope this helps,

-Admin 1

[csa-survivor-confessions]

?

I've recently started feeling a lot of resentment towards my parents. They were alright parents and I think they provided me with the essentials. The only trouble I've had with them has to do with emotional/physical neglect, controlling behavior and boundaries. I was groomed and sexually abused by our neighbor and my older brother for years. I know my parents found out something was going on with the neighbor eventually because I was not allowed to go there anymore. But nothing came of it. The abuse was not acknowledged, my abusers didn't face any precautions and it was never talked about. I had a couple trips to the hospital as a child because of the abuse over the years. And that was only when it was necessary to take me (they often didn't take me if something was just painful). For example when I could not eat anything and I was just throwing up all of the food. My brother who abused me is favoured by my parents. It's hard for me to visit them and witness that. I've tried to establish some boundaries with them but it's hard because I get ignored or mocked. And this frustrates me so I get angry and can be rude and say things in a meaner way than what would be necessary. How do I deal with this. Is it common to be resentful and struggle to be polite?

Hello,

It sounds like you have a lot of responses to be resentful and struggle to be polite to your parents. It makes perfect sense that you are angry and hurt. Neglect is a real form of maltreatment and is traumatic. Being neglected causes real trauma to the body and brain and can cause C-PTSD. (Not getting the medical attention you need is wrong and can even be illegal.) Emotional neglect and abuse, like mocking and boundary violation, have been shown to cause C-PTSD, which is not a lesser form of abuse. Your resentment and pain here are valid and make perfect sense.

Having your own abuse ignored, even clearly known about, is severely harmful and is the trauma of being unprotected, which is again real and makes sense why you are so hurt.

"politness" can be a tricky concept because adults can sometimes except a level that's unfair so it's important to gauge what is actually a baseline level of respect people deserve and what might be made up rules people have that is requested because people want to be on top of you in the status level.

But overall, I think it's very understandable to have trouble not feeling like you are alienated and hurt by people who failed to protect you, physically neglected you and emotionally hurt you.

As for how to deal with it, i think to some extent you have to get some degree of space. If you're still at home, I understand that's hard, but finding places to be away from the house will be helpful. If you are out of the house, stepping back and spending some time away from the family could be good. Getting some space where you can breath, where you're not suffocated, could be very healing. Finding other people who you don't have a long history with could also be very helpful, as you can form healthier attachments with them.

Reparenting could also be helpful: Reparenting

Understanding Attachment might help: Informational Article: Attachment Theory (Pt 1)

Learning about your brain and trauma could be helpful:

Informational Article: Being Our Whole Selves Brain & Body

Informational Article: Define Trauma

Diagnosis Primer: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Some basic coping skills that might help in the moment to deal with strong emotions that are overwhelming might be:

Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation

With these, the breathign skills can help with overwhelming anger/resentment & generally grounding can help with overwhelming emotions. You might also be having some emotional flashbacks when you are having these moments, where you can't control your emotions.

I hope some of this helps,

-Admin 1

[csa-survivor-confessions]

?

Hello! I've been struggling with ptsd after csa for a very long time. I'm in my mid twenties now and I feel like I've made a lot of progress. So the symptoms are easier to manage now and I have way less anxiety in general. I'm in a wlw relationship and we have been talking about having sex. She is aware of my trauma history to some degree. I've been sex repulsed pretty much my whole life until a couple of years ago. I started to feel like I actually want to have a good sexual experience with someone. I've masturbated quite regularly since being a teenager and I have developed some kinks with it and in general as well. I have a hard time accepting these kinks because I feel that they connect to my trauma in a big way. But on the other hand they feel empowering to me. It's like I can play with power and control but in a safe environment. I'm on the fence if I should tell my partner and maybe even ask her to explore those kinks with me (I'm afraid she would not understand and even judge) or if I'm actually hindering my healing by engaging in these kinks. Please do you have any advice?

This is even embarrassing to write but my kinks have to do with light power play where I get to control someone and direct them. I really enjoy taking care of someone in a way that is connected to sex (like washing someone). And ever since I was a child I've gotten pleasure out of seeing someone hurt and then taking care of them. But I've always felt guilty about this because I don't actually want anyone to be hurt! I've also enjoyed getting hurt if it's a safe environment (like the dentist). But it makes me sick to think about these things because I don't want to be controlled at all. I find it really triggering. And so I feel like I'm just bad.

Hello,

In general, kinks arise through multiple sources, from natural sexual development and through sexual trauma. CSA influences our relationship to sex and can make it very hard to know what we actually want from sex and what has been influenced by our trauma.

It is also true that the wiring of our brain is changed from abuse and can make violence and sex all tied up. But kink isn't always from this, as sex is complicated. There has been research that shows that things like playing with power and control over partners in sex can help with trauma. Working out what you actually want from sex and what ties are born from trauma can take time.

Communication with sexual partners is something that is always the best choice. You can take it slow and have multiple conversations over time. But keeping your needs and wants to yourself will never improve your relationship. Secrets never make you or them happier. You don't have to explain everything right away, but being more honest is the best policy.

As for whether these kinks are re-traumatizing you, it depends. There can be a safe power-play scene. And I think it could be okay to engage in this, if you can keep track of your own feelings and you're not feeling triggered into a bad headspace and if after you don't spend to long in a headspace that is negative. You need to track how you're feeling. I know people talk about an altered headspace that can come from being in this and aftercare. But there needs to be very close care taken that you're not just dissociated the entire time, and that you don't spend a long time after the scene dissociated. And that the days after you aren't spending more time experiencing triggers.

Reaching out to people experienced with this kind of thing will be very helpful for engaging in sex with these power-play elements.

People who engage in kink don't inherently want to cause harm to people in general or become abusive or violent in general, so I don't think you need to worry about that.

I think kinks of harm being done and being harmed by others aren't uncommon in the BDSM community. Again, If you want to engage in this, reaching out to communities well-versed in this is necessary. You have to make sure you aren't doing anything dangerous.

It is possible for kinks to become dangerous if it's done in ways that are safe and everyone is in the correct mental space. Including you! There has to be work done to make sure you're all feeling safe, sure and secure before you engage and after.

So please take care of yourself and look into engaging with what you want from sex in healthy ways that don't trigger your trauma more, but do work towards something that you do want! It's okay to want non-traditional things from sex. But focous on participating in kink in ways where everyone is in the correct mental spaces and everyone is consenting. Make sure there is nothing that is leaving people with real physical harm or anyone is leaving the situation with trauma or is leaving situations with re-traumatization.

Be Blessed,

-Admn 2

[csa-survivor-confessions]

?

im just so fed up. ive been sexually assaulted multiple times, by people who were supoosed to be my friends, or protect me, and i keep trying to force myself to forget it- but i cant. i cant forget when my mom continues to blame young girls for being raped by saying "she shouldve known better and been in school." i cant when whenever i see a woman talking about her sexual trauma, the comments are filled with people blaming and shaming her. i cant when the people who were supposed to protect me just watched, and acted like it didnt happen. i cant when nobody takes people like me seriously. i dont know how to feel better about this, i feel worthless. please, what is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you, absolutely nothing.

Most people who are abused are abused by people they trusted. You're not alone with that. Sexual abuse by strangers, of course, happens, but 90% (1)  of children are abused by people who know them. It hurts, and it makes sense to feel upset and violated and confused by it. It can make trust hard. You don't need to feel alone or like there is something wrong with you. You didn't invite this in or ask for it. You didn't do anything that made them hurt you. Any emotions you feel are valid and fine, but you did nothing wrong. Not being able to feel "over this" or just forget that other people hurt isn't a failing. It's okay to still feel hurt by this, but you don’t need to feel like you are the problem or that you have done anything wrong. 

You're mother likely has heared messages about young girls being to blame for being raped her whole life, and has internalized it so deeply she regurgitates it without thought. It's harmful and awful and shouldn't be done. But it has everything to do with what she heard growing up and as an adult, and nothing to do with you. This likely doesn't make you feel better, but it should help you understand that it isn't about your worth. And it is a lie, no one is to blame for being raped ever, the only party responsible for rape is the rapeist.

The people who invalidate people telling their stories online is partially the same thing as your mom, rape culture permeating people that say women, and people in general, are to blame for their own rape. Their actions are also likely fueled by misogyny and the way the internet feeds into negative dogpiles and hate. Again, it has nothing to do with you. These people have had their minds filled with poison, and they are trying to infect other people.

Rape culture is baked into our culture very deeply. It comes from cultural traditions, religion, legal history, sexism and other factors. 

I know that it doesn't make being around rape culture better to know. It still feels like the world hates us for being victims. It sees us as responsible for our own pain. But you can find spaces online, podcasts or books that are supportive or understanding of your experiences and hear stories that are supportive and healing. I'm not sure of how graphic a story you can handle right now, but looking up stories of healing from sexual violence could be something to start with. There are likely blogs on healing stories that might be useful.  Hearing and relating to stories about people who relate to your stories, but from a sympathetic and understanding standpoint, might help

There are books on that subject that might be helpful to read. Memoirs about sexual trauma can truly be helpful in seeing other people find others who are supportive and hear another person's story that you can hold as someone else like you who is respected.  If you are still living with your mother and she would look at your mail, you might consider and ebook if she doesn’t go through your technology. (Obviously if you don’t have your own money, you can’t do this, but if you can, Books are great resources.)

If there is a support group in your area that could be useful, too, if you're old enough.

The people who didn't intervene, who knew you were being abused, did the wrong thing. They messed up; there is something wrong with them for deciding to cover for your abuser(s) instead of protecting a child. Sadly, there are many reasons people who know about abuse don't take steps to protect the child and stop the abuse. Fear of the abuser, the above-stated belief that the victims deserve the abuse, sexism, racism, religious beliefs, their own trauma, hierarchies they are a part of, cultic beliefs, love of the abuser, and other reasons can all cause people to protect abusers.  

It doesn't reflect on you or your worth that they gave in to their previous ideas and beliefs instead of protecting you. You can feel angry, sad, scared or whatever you need to feel about it. Again, there is nothing about you that makes them do this. 

You are not worthless. You are fundamentally worthy of respect. The harm that was done to you can never take that worth away from you. There is nothing that can do that. People deserve kindness at their core, and that is the end of it. We see your worth, and other people will too. 

You will find people in your life who will look into your eyes, see the pain and history and say, "Yeah, I see that, and I see the love and joy," and they will be your friend. 

Forgetting the trauma won't ever happen; trying to just forget it is a futile act. But learning to live with it is possible. Learning to get to a place where your triggers, flashbacks, dissociation and panic attacks are lessened or gone, all of that is possible. You can get to a position where you live a life where your abuse is just a piece of it, and no longer is the defining moment of your story.

You will get space and time, meet no people and be a place where you can heal. You will find things that bring you joy! I promise life will not always revolve around pain. 

But it is also key that it feels like it does right now. Sometimes life does feel like the only thing that is going on is our trauma, that it overwhelms everything. And I'm not saying feeling like that is wrong. But I'm just saying it doesn't have to stay that way. 

This article might be of some help: Ideas To Begin Trauma Healing

There isn't anything wrong with you. If it helps, you can learn more about sexual trauma, about victims and perpetrators, and if this fact page is helpful: What Is Childhood Sexual Abuse?

You will find a life defined by kindness because you are worthy of it. 

Finkelhor, D. (2012). Characteristics of crimes against juveniles. Durham, NH: Crimes against Children Research Center

[csa-survivor-confessions]

my first ever shower was when i was about 5 and he put me in the tub with his daughter . i remember feeling the shower water hit me and i started wailing . he stood there and watched since the curtain was half fucking open . i remember her scrubbing me and she was only 7 and she looked like she pitied me because she knew what it was like . i miss her and now that he’s dead im glad she’s free too even if we won’t ever talk again

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[csa-survivor-confessions]

?

Hi, I sent an ask a while ago but it may have gotten eaten or buried. I used to be friends with this one person, when we were in middle school (14) they had an online girlfriend. I didn’t know the girl, but I knew she was 12. One day during class my friend shows me pictures from their messages together and she had sent them nude photos of her chest. I think they said they sent some too, but I never saw those so I can’t confirm. All I know is that we were 14 and that girl was 12 and that age gap doesn’t seem crazy, but the maturity levels are so different. And I remember my ex friend justifying it to me by saying “it’s only 2 years” but I felt super uncomfortable when they showed me pictures of a little girl’s chest.

I hadn’t thought about it in years, but I wanna know, is this some kind of cocsa? Or what would you call it? This ex friend never touched me or anything, but they straight up showed me csem (and maybe it’s wrong to blame them for this because they were also a child, 15, but they’re also partially the reason I was groomed online for years, they introduced me to the groomer and threatened to physically attack me after I tried to leave/call out the groomer.)

Sorry if this is too long winded or confusing, I’m just trying to remember all the pieces I can! My memory is extremely bad.

Hello,

It is abusive to both you and the girlfriend to show you explicit material against both of your consents. You didn't agree to see CSEM and showing anyone CSEM is abusive to the person in the image.

Threatening to physically attack you when you no longer wanted to be groomed is psychological abuse. It's understandable if that also affected you, that it would make the other situation feel more deliberate.

Being 14-15 is young and it's understandable that they would make poor decisions. But showing people any explicit images they didn’t ask for, showing people’s explicit images without their consent and showing CSEM around at all is abuse. Manipulating other people into staying in sexually traumatic relationships is abusive. All of this is something that a 14-15-year-old can stay away from.

I hope this helps,

-Admin 1

[csa-survivor-confessions]

Hello! I'm in my mid twenties and have Just started dating someone for the first time in my life. I've found touch really hard to deal with and so we haven't kissed even though we have been dating for a couple months. I said to my date a week ago that I have some bad experiences and we agreed to talk about it later. I'm really nervous about telling my date anything because I don't want to overwhelm her. I've experienced csa that lasted for a few years in my early childhood by a few people close to me. And then later in life a person whom I considered a friend abused me sexually as well. I've been to therapy and have made a lot of progress but I'm still struggling a lot. Do you have any advice on how to tell this new person about my past and experience with trauma in general? And how can I start to heal/deal with physical intimacy with my partner.

Hello,

Talking about the abuse can be really hard, and that's super normal. It can be good to write/type out what you want to say beforehand to get your thoughts in order. You can also just hand this over to your partner if talking verbally is very hard for you. Knowing what you want to say ahead of time can be very useful.

Choose a time to talk where you both have a good chunk of time to talk and are not rushed. Have a place that is as comfortable as can be for you, and not going to be stressful to your senses. Having a cold or warm drink close at hand can be nice. A sensory aid, like a fidget toy of some kind, can be helpful and help you to get some stress out.

Accepting that it's likely not going to go as terribly as your worst fears tell you or as amazing as you wish it could is a good mental place to go into it with. Carrying this can hopefully ease some anxiety.

You don't have to go into super detail; getting out just what you feel comfortable sharing is perfectly okay.

Remember that our worst judgments of ourselves, shame, poor self-esteem and self invalidation is warped by the abuse. We are often some of the most judgmental people of ourselves, how our abusers treated us makes all of the worst thoughts and messages we receive take a real stronghold. But it is a wrapped perspective not the truth, others aren’t going to see us that way when we are telling them. 

Any emotions you feel during and after this experience are okay and valid.

You're amazing for doing this!!!

-

As for physical intimacy, first, you never have to have physical intimacy that you're not totally enthusiastic about.

Remember, there isn't actually anything wrong or broken about not being into that kind of thing. So whatever you end up being comfortable with over time, you're totally okay and valid for being there.

Making sure you're taking care of your physical needs. To feel safe with the "in between" we have to first feel safe inside ourselves.

To the best of your ability: drink water, eat enough, take showers, brush teeth, clean clothes, and clean hair. Sleep as best you can. Take care of yourself if you feel ill as much as your money allows. If you can take care of your inside, taking care of your body can be the first step towards being able to feel safe enough to be able to touch other people.

Another important step to getting more comfortable with physical intimacy is to get more comfortable in your body mentally.

Learning about trauma and the body. As well as how your ability to connect to others via attachment and trauma responses.

Informational Article: Attachment Theory (Pt 1)

Informational Article: Being Our Whole Selves Brain & Body

Informational Article: Define Trauma

Informational Article: Five Trauma Responses

Doing things like yoga, or taiji (tai chi), that have a lot of connection to the body and exercise can help connect to the body. Hard style martial arts like kungfu or karate can help with feeling in control of your body if that's more your speed, but that can have sparring where you get hit, which is safe or good for everyone.

Meditation can be helpful in learning to sit in the body. Other breathing exercises can be helpful. You can find lots of kinds of breathing exercises, try as many as you want till you find one that works for you.

Doing body scans can be helpful to figure out where you are holding tension which can affect how you are able to connect with other people and learning to breathe through and release that tension can help with learning to feel your body. Combining body scans with progressive muscle relaxation can be very useful.

(Some advice for breathing and other coping skills can be read about here: Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation. I suggest researching other breathing exercises if these don't help you.)

Journaling and making art about your emotions can helpful to get you in touch with what your thinking about. What is holding you back from touch, what memories are coming up? What is making you afraid? Do this slowly and don’t push yourself to hard, but go slow and let yourself breathe and move slowly. But doing this will help you work through your triggers and maybe learn to view things in a new way and get a birds eye view of your fears and maybe break down the blocks that are holding the fears inside you. 

Dealing with "outside" felt safety; you have to look at what's around you. Approach trying any intimacy in a location that feels as safe as possible. Having soft spaces that are calm on the senses can be very important. Being away from anything that is going to cause triggers to pull up can be helpful. So if you have to start not in a bedroom with hand holding and a small kiss, that's perfectly fine.

Getting towards the “inbetween” felt safety; we start with more relational skills. Practicing setting boundaries can be super useful to getting up to feeling safe with physical intimacy. If you feel like you know you can tell people no, it can feel safer to move forward with starting. I know you were able to set a boundary here, but it can feel like once we say "yes" once then we have to give into everything. But if we practice, maybe agreeing to have one snack but then not agreeing to have another, we can just get a small taste of this. Practicing agreeing to go with someone out for part of the night and not staying out the whole night, etc. It could be useful for this. 

Talking to your partner is going to be so important. Going slow trying one thing at a time could be very useful and help you move forward trying just one thing at a time will be helpful and let you know what you are ready for and not ready for. 

You can talk to your therapist about possibly getting some somatic therapy if there is access to that in your area. Somatic therapy can be helpful for getting better at physical intimacy.

Hopefully some of this will be helpful for you and get you started on the journey. All of this is really only so helpful as I don't know all of what you're dealing with and I'm not with you. But hopefully it will be something that can be something that guides the beginning of your healing.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[csa-survivor-confessions]

I hate that i was born like this. what the fuck was wrong with my dad why did he want me.

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[csa-survivor-confessions]

Your trauma is valid even if it took you years to realize it was trauma.