#but even if i get state insurance i can’t fucking afford copays so what’s the point!

[defenselesswriter]

i love just pretending everything is fine always as a way to cope with the fact that everything is in fact not fine and i’m struggling more than i can possibly express

[lucy-fake]

if cis people (who aren’t overtly transphobic) had even the slightest clue what the process you have to go through to get srs is like they would 100% stop acting like it’s a requirement for all trans people to do. like it’s a ridiculous commitment you have to make and the only reason anyone should go through it is because it’s something they want for themselves, not to appease anyone else.

for one thing the process is long as fuck. it’s been 1.5 years the moment i fully decided for sure that i 100% wanted srs and was going to get it as soon as i could, and i’m only finally getting it this friday - and for many trans people the wait is much longer since the best surgeons have the hugest fucking waitlists and there’s only so many people who specialize in it - and it’s really not the type of thing where you want to half ass it and fuck around with a lower quality surgeon since it’s directly going to impact your quality of life, forever.

the prep work leading up to it is insane in and of itself, i’ve had to do so many appointments to get multiple letters to get a consult and then get hair removal and get physical therapy and get labs and get pre-op tests and physicals done and like all of this is still nothing compared to what i’m about to go through. i am going to be in the hospital for a week, laid up at home for several months after that, going through lots of physical and emotional pain for this as i heal and recover. i’ve seen videos of the surgery being conducted. it’s fucking gross and this shit is gonna hurt like hell. after it stops hurting like hell it’s still going to require changes to my daily routine for the rest of my life to follow the medical guidelines. the only reason i’m still going through it is because i want it that much.

and also because i have the privilege to get it, because it’s covered by my insurance. there are sooo many trans people who want it just as bad as i do but simply don’t have the option to, either because their insurance doesnt cover it or it does but requires a copay that they can’t afford or because they don’t have insurance at all, because "the united states healthcare system” is a phrase that is both setup and punchline. even if you can have the surgery itself covered you might not have the ability to take several months off work to recover. and in countries like the uk it might be covered by the nhs but good fucking luck getting through the waitlist for it...

and to cis people, all of this is reduced to walking into a hospital, asking for a “sex change”, and waking up the next morning with a new set of genitals. and if you don’t want to do it you’re a ‘transtrender’ or whatever. what a sick joke!!

[it-is-ok-i-am-ok]

Wait, why are you getting kicked off social security and state aid? 💕💕

Sorry for the late reply. This story is wild from start to end so hang on for the ride

Long story short, the original problem was that SS has to start counting my boyfriend and I as married, which like….no. They said they have to for two reasons (mostly because of reason one), but I do understand don’t get me wrong.

1. We signed for a timeshare together. 

2. He put me as his beneficiary for his life insurance. 

Now, let me explain. 

I went into the timeshare thing (you know the usual like being shown this shit blah blah blah) being like nope we aint buying. (We had to go through it to get something we won or something which in the end was BS gift) We go into “Signing” room and I’m like nope, nada. But then everything just went…so wrong. Long story short, I’m obviously on disability for a reason ok. (I was granted both physical and mental but I won my case in five minutes because of my mental LOL). People who have mental illnesses, especially borderline personality disorder probably understand me on this one. Condo: I couldn’t get out, as hard as I tried. My boyfriend, he’s obviously my BOYFRIEND not my HUSBAND because he still don’t get it all (like my mum who is my representative in every aspect except the stupid payee which makes it “official”). So he like didn’t understand what he was doing was bad and my ques of like holy shit this needs to stop not like my momma. Finally I was like ok ok ok what the fuck ever but it’s your timeshare I want nothing of this, we break up its yours. Then they come back and say because of his credit he couldn’t. So then here we go I immediately feel guilt (without anyone having to say anything more) and my guilt problems cause me anxiety problems which causes me to do the stupidest shit on earth like my guilt problems are legit one of the beggist things i work on in therapy. So they assured me, If i put my name it’s like being a co-signer bleh bleh bleh. It’s in our contract that he pays. While signign they were even like you can read the contract later if you just wanna sign now. Like it was that fucked up.

The beneficiary whatever. Jonathan told me he had to put someone or that was his understanding and lemme telll you, im the only choice. I was assured it could be changed and this wasn’t permanent because I dont want that kinda commitment. I just idk I didn’t think anything of it and just thought i was helping someone because i have another problem with ovre-compassion as i call it lol.

So fast forward she tells me ight well we gotta count you as married. And I’m like WHAT NO I WILL LOSE EVERYTHING. and she omfg she’s like “well you don’t know that” and I’m like bitch…I know I’m right.

Well guess fucking what, yes I would lose everything. Even tho his money, his work, we aint sharing it it aint joint bank account wahbam, fuck me right.

Now, wouldn’t this be your first clue that you shouldn’t count as us married (one of first things I asked):

“Well, what if we break up!?” She then told me blah blah blah I have a year then i’m fucked. Then for like 1.5 hour we talked and at the end she got it, I was a blubbering mess. So she was like ok i aint promising anything because if someones doing this stuff, I put them as married end of story….but i’m gonna send you, your bf, and mom able to write statements blah blah. 

Then as the end it was very lightly mentioned “Oh wait..you might no matter what lose stuff because it’s a resource” but it was said like no real concern. I then realized later hell fucking yeah it’s a concern.

So my mum and I are talking and I’m like this is bananas, it aint like oh man i signed on the dotted line and i regret it…it’s like I have a mental illness that makes it so sometimes uhmmmm I may act rash, or be influenced etc DUH. And then BAM. It just hit me.

A WEEK PRIOR I HAD LITERALLY BEEN IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL. Not 2 weeks, not 1.5 week but a WEEK. I was in there because I was on a medication that was making me plan out my suicide….I was released because the agreed I was safe enough to at least not KILL myself. Not because I was 100% off the med or 100% ok in the membrane. And then i had this vague memory that I signed this shtit leaving the hospital about how I’m not mentally capable of making any life decisions or something. (Their way of saving my ass I guess). I get a call back on monday about that if I did.

So my mom talked to this bomb ass lawyer and long story short I’m 99.9999999% sure I’m gettingout of this contract. 

So ok that solves that problem. And considering again sign contract acting married wasn’t mentally 100% shouldn’t count for married either. And seeing how she was really believing me long story short….

No, I now don’t think I will lose everything. 

I want to set the record straight tho, I just days ago thought I was losing 

1. Social security income

2. Medicare

Then she said the state probably wouldn’t kick me off because they’re more leniant with “marriage” thing. But the resource thing oh man, then I would have also lost

1. I would have went from SS income to state income, but nope nevermind

2. medicaid gone. 

So I would be worth $0 a month, and I mean I would have my parents insurance but I can’t afford that deductable and copay shit, and also Im gonna be 26 eventually. So that means I would be reliable on my boyfriend 100% (which like uhh our relationship is so up and down like no thank you I wanna be able to move out if I want/have to). And his income barely covers one person let alone two. (We did the math if we lost everything and we’d be lucky if we had $50 for the week after paying everything and that’s if we baby how much we spend for gas, food etc). 

This would also mean I’d lose my medicaid appointment transportation which FYI my PT is an hour and 10 minutes away, but then again I couldn’t afford to go anyways to anything. As my convo with my driver went

“Damn, you wouldn’t even be able to work if they forced you….because of how many appointments you have.” 

-me “You know now…they’ll say ‘well cause ya lost everything… youll have plenty of time now LOL”

-her: “And then you woudn’t even be able to work with your “free time” because you need your appoointments to function!”

-me: “EXACTLY” 

So appointments, medications, treatments (Botox anymore? LOL RIGHT and I just got approved for Hetlioz look up that babies price MEGA LOL), affording my car/insurance, my apartment (can’t afford this place no more), internet (if I even could continue school), sadly my lovely rats, my income etc GOOOOONE.

So lets all pray to the gods of the disabled that my contract gets cancelled and I don’t lose everything and actually legit….die. LOL

I went from Wednesday facing the fact that I’m going to die, to friday holy shit I am saved god bless my borderline brain

So moral of the story is my mom is probably going to become my payee, and try to prevent me from getting emotionally influenced or emotionally rash into things, and now my boyfriend nows ques etc. He also obviously knows to NEVER do something like this again. I have also learned that I know I obviously have a brain that works differently and makes even the simpilest things hard, but I’m going to mention in therapy how I want to work on this and we can try to at least (if I can’t able to say no) make my ques known and obviously to jonathan. To talk more beforehand about things and plans, and also make trusted others know what I am ok with and am not. 

[goldwyrtsdotror]

If I still have followers out there who read my posts, I need some advice.

I dropped out of college (several reasons--turns out I hate my major, I KNOW I can't do it--i think I have social anxiety and it's SOCIAL WORK, which I only chose bc I can't afford colleges with majors I like, and I can't even handle using a phone call let alone do ANYTHING social works do every single day. I'm extremely scared of using the phone. If something requires phone calls, I pretty much don't do it. And that's not the least of it. Plus I'm extremely depressed, I can't even get up in time for things with dozens of ringtone in a row and can't function with under 12hrs of sleep, plus for my major I had to have a FULL TIME UNPAID INTERNSHIP. I had mental breakdowns when I had to work more than 20hrs at work).

I can't afford copays for anything more than one checkup. I don't have a job bc I was working at school. My anxiety prevents me from seeing a doctor even as to what I can afford. My back seizes up when I walk or bend over, or stand for long. I have to sit down every few minutes when I do even light walking, and I sweat like crazy even if it's only 75 out (I'm overweight, but it's not just that). I also rolled my ankle months ago and it doesn't hurt but I can't put weight on it. I got a cane, but it doesn't help my lower back.

The only jobs around here are retail, fast food, or factory. Can't do that physically.

Even easy jobs I can't do. I spend most of my time in a state of dissociation, depression, anxiety, or all three. I sometimes sleep 16 hours and often sleep for 12. I have NO friends. The only person I speak to on a regular basis is my boyfriend, who is currently killing himself to pay the bills at a HORRIBLE factory job where he works with no AC for 7 days a week (5 for TWELVE HOURS, two for eight) with no vacation time left, and hours that dont let him try to apply places or get to interviews because everywhere is closed when he's off and it's an immediate fire if you use your phone at work.

I will soon have to pay back student loans. My boyfriend can't afford them, and i can't imagine a asking for him to cover that too. I have no family to fall back on for help. I only have contact with my mother (a bit strained) and my 18yold downs syndrome sister--mom only recently got out of a horrible marriage to my drunk father and is trying to make ends meet on her own, in an apartment with my sister (no mean feat, since dad doesn't pay the things he's supposed to).

The only way I could get better to get a job would be not only to see a doctor for my back, and to FINALLY see a psychologist for my... many... long term... never ever diagnosed... mental health problems which are utterly crippling at this point. But I can't fucking afford it! As far as I know I'm still on my estranged drunk father's health insurance by law, and I CANNOT afford the copays ($35 per visit, not counting deductibles & specialists which I imagine would happen?). I also have two impacted wisdom teeth, flat feet that honestly hurt so fucking much to walk on, and I don't wanna say I have carpal tunnel, but my wrists are pretty weak and sometimes painful or numb.

I have tried: st johns wort, passionflower, phenibut, kava kava, lemonbalm, lander, GABA, 5-HTP, omegas and all the vitamins... oh fuck, there's others. Basically, every single thing I know of that's available OTC (besides SAM-e) I have tried with ZERO results.

I have tried doing those stupid survey things (I never qualify), I tried online transcription work but it only paid a dollar a week and I ended up not passing the probationary period, I don't have the equipment for other instruction work (and honestly my wrists can't handle that type of long repetitive work, which sucks bc I have 70-90wpm typing speed). I can't try to do youtube or anything like that bc all I have is a many years old very shitty samsung s4 that I use exclusively for online stuff bc it doesn't have service (too expensive--I use a $5/mo flip phone for that; plus the s4 has NO space even with very few apps and me constantly deleting files and wiping cache).

I'd kind of maybe be able to swing a delivery driver job, BUT my car is simply not fit (window doesn't roll down, no AC, ass sag, driver door doesn't open from inside, transmission feels like it's failing and even if it's not will soon, headlights dim, wipers barely work, dashboard lights are dim, gets maybe 15mpg). The most we could afford for a 'new' car is $800, which will not be functional, and my boyfriend drives to work EVERY DAY and his car needs about $250 in suspension repair, needs a new AC... the thing that's $500 plus expensive labor costs, it takes a long time to turn over, has engine light on, brakes are super shitty, wipers barely work, sunroof leaks, lots of little problem, needs brake light, etc etc etc). And no, east jesus nowhere little town ohio doesn't have public transportation. And you can't walk many places, certainly not the highway & bridge strt with connect everything.

I can't to free clinics bc I have insurance. I tried applying to medicaid last year and i couldn't really do it and anyway I'm pretty sure we don't qualify.

What the fuck do I do? I'm writing a book (one done, 3 rejections so far) but the chances of getting published or even making money is almost astronomical.

Crowdfunding isn't an option. I have no crowd. I literally don't have a single friend, and none of my followers on any of my platforms (no offense) interact with me. I tried gofundme once and got nothing.

Honestly, I've done anti curse spells bc of how relentlessly SHIT my life has been, but as far as I can tell I have no geas on me and even if I do! I don't! Have the energy! To do! Shit!

I think about suicide a lot, but I'm utterly terrified of death. I'm just completely depressed and completely hopeless.

[kaylabliss]

Since I'm posting again...

I figure I'll post about why I've disappeared from Tumblr for about a million years. I missed all you people that I don't actually talk to but enjoy seeing posts from.

This year has been total shit. I don't know what my last "update" was, but I doubt anyone else will remember either.

I'm finally on ADHD medication (as of November), which has made a very slight difference in my ability to function. However, I'm thinking of asking for something different. I'm on Adderall XR, and I'm wondering if Vyvanse would be more helpful. It costs twice as much, but if it helps, it would be worth it.

Despite taking daily amphetamines, I've gained even more weight and I'm at my highest weight since pregnancy. (I'm not taking Adderall for weight loss, of course, but it would have been a really nice side effect. I have little to no appetite, but I still eat way too much because depression anxiety and laziness.)

In January, we found out Toys R Us was closing. My partner has been a supervisor there for ten years, so this was a pretty devastating blow for us. His last day was in April. Fortunately, he was only unemployed for about a month. In the week after TRU closed, he helped a local mom and pop toy store owner move some shelves that they'd bought from the TRU liquidation. That got his foot in the door, and now he's actually making more money there than he was at TRU.... To the tune of an extra $250 a week. Better yet, they love him. And his boss? Small world, he was my favorite patient at my old job. So we're going into this with me already knowing and liking his boss! And a fun bonus: when new movies come out, they rent out entire rows at the theater and all the employees and whoever they want to invite can go see it. Eric went to see Solo with them-- I've been trying to convince him to go out and do things with people for literally our entire relationship, so I was THRILLED about this. Also, the store sells mostly older collectibles, so when he saw what his toys were worth, he was psyched. He sold two of his old action figures this week for $400, and he gets 60% of that on consignment.

The salary increase and extra money is great, because in February, my car broke down. The transmission died, and as it was a POS 1996 Lexus, it would have cost four times what the car was worth to fix it. So we've been sharing a car, which has been difficult, but thankfully both our jobs close at 8 and we're right across the street from each other. While he was still at TRU, he was sometimes getting off around 10, which meant keeping my daughter out way too late. But now we can start saving for a down payment on a car, and actually afford car payments without having to live on ramen.

Also in February, his mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. This has been hard. Last week, she had her final surgery to remove the cancerous mass from her lung. She came home on Thursday and she's doing well. Aside from the anxiety over her diagnosis, this has been hard in about a dozen other ways. She had some moments where she was legitimately scared that she wouldn't get to see Shilo grow up, and this was made even harder when she lost her hair. She looked different, and Shilo acted scared of her. I don't know if she was having trouble recognizing her or what. And then to top it off, they've always been pretty well off financially and have always been able to help out their kids when needed-- including us. But there was a lot of things their insurance didn't pay for, and they had a $100 copay for each radiation treatment for six weeks. We haven't needed help with money, thankfully, but under normal circumstances they may have been able to help us get a new car. They also missed their granddaughter's graduation in Texas, which I know was disappointing. Eric's unemployment was actually helpful though, because he was able to stay home with Shilo for the greater part of his mom's chemo and radiation.

All that aside, there have been a lot of daily stressors and disappointments for me. I don't know how much I should really go into here, since someone could stumble into my blog.... Eh, I think I have it locked from public view, so.

One of the biggest things that bugged me was my mom. I didn't get to see her for Christmas because on Christmas eve, it was more important to her to go pass out coffee at a local men's shelter. (I know it sounds noble, but sometimes I wonder. She's wound up dating several of the men there.) I had to work on Christmas day. I didn't see her until the end of January at my niece's birthday party. She didn't bring Shilo's Christmas presents with her, because we had planned to do lunch before the party but neither of us felt well enough for it, so she decided not to bring the presents. I brought her and Lily's presents, because I knew it could be a while before we could get together, and it was already a month late. After that, she said several times she would come over with them. One day, she had told me she was going to be down the street at Walmart and would drop by... She actually called me from Walmart to ask me for diet advice.... And didn't come over when she was done.

In May, she finally just brought the presents to me at work, because she was at a dentist appointment in the same complex I work in. I didn't ACTUALLY see her until last week.

In all that time, she knew about all the crap I've been going through, and she hasn't checked on me one single time. In fact, the week after my car broke down, she called me to brag that she had traded in her perfectly good, brand new car for an even newer car. This was particularly infuriating to me, because I was busting my ass working overtime and working every single holiday and I was barely making rent (forget any chance of getting even a cheap functioning car), but she's on SSDI and is taking on this huge car payment for literally no reason.

Then, when we finally did get together and go to lunch, she spent the first fifteen minutes listing every celebrity who has ever @ her on Twitter (despite me saying repeatedly "I have no idea who that is" and showing zero interest in the discussion because c'mon), talked about herself the whole time, and didn't ask me any questions about how things are going. When I did manage to get a word in, it was about Shilo's behavior at school, and she took over the conversation again to tell me about this place where you can drop autistic kids off for a few hours (but they're not even a licensed childcare facility, which makes me nervous, and they don't list their prices on their website which means I can't afford them). They also have family classes and actives and whatever, but still, I'm sure I can't afford them.

One of the things that really hurt me though? She had been "too busy" to see us for nearly six months, but she had time to make a 400 mile round trip to the other end of the state to spend time with my high school roommate and her children... Two weekends in a row, including on Mother's Day weekend. But yeah, too fucking busy to see her own daughter and granddaughter. When I tried to confront her on it, she was really blasé about it and deflected the conversation.

And? She didn't tell me that she broke up with her boyfriend months ago, and was not living where I thought she was living. In fact, I'm pretty sure she straight up lied to me about it, because she sent me what appeared to be an accidental text about moving, and when I said "wait what, you're moving?" she said "oh yeah from one trailer to the other" (they were living in a trailer park where you can only stay six months due to the sewage system or something, so they bought two trailers so they could move to the second every six months).

It's all made me feel really alone. I miss my grandma, because she never would have treated me this way. My mom is the only "family" I have, and she has zero interest in being part of my life.

Anyway, done with that section.

Shilo has been very violent at school, to a point where we actually got TWO behavior referrals in one day (a slip explaining her behavior and consequences-- usually involves missing recess, having to eat lunch in the principal's office, and/or writing an apology letter). It's been frustrating, and I haven't been sure what to do since I work so much and have my own issues with executive function and lack the ability to keep a stable routine. I'm hoping next year will be better, and I'm going to get a behavior intervention plan added to her IEP so we can figure out WHY she acts this way instead of just trying to correct the behavior after it happens. They do try to circumvent the behavior, mostly using social stories before transitions and things, but I don't think it's working.

Another big thing is that I got my IUD removed, and while I'm pissed about having a real menstrual cycle again, I'm shocked at some of the effects the IUD had on me that I didn't even realize. It turns out it was really dampening my sex drive, and portions of my personality. Suddenly I was interested in sex again and attracted to anything that moves lmao. An increased sex drive is a bad thing for me though, which I won't go into here.... But in short, let's say that it's caused some hurt feelings due to rejection.

So yeah, that's most of it. If you actually read my wall of text and whining, thanks! You're a champ.