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#but given everything aaron went thru in the past
renamusing · 11 months
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excited for dingle week cause i didnt think aaron would show up (which is hilarious bc he has steered clear of the place ever since he came back and will now get locked in there with all the people he cant stand atm) i just wish ed would style his hair again. i know ppl have bad hair days in soapland and our boy is angry and secretly depressed but i would sacrifice my firstborn to see his cute curls again yeah ?
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stokan · 5 years
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The Top 20 Things of 2019
1. “Shallow” at The Oscars How can something be so anticipated, so hyped, so seemingly bigger than the freaking Oscars themselves, and yet still somehow exceed all expectations? We now know the answer: by completely subverting them. That’s why it makes perfect sense that the greatest moment of Lady Gaga’s career would be the simplest one. Her and Bradley Cooper simply standing up from their seats still gives me chills every time I watch it (and I’ve watched it A LOT). And the close up on their faces needs to be shown in sex ed classes.
If I could travel back in time, sure going back to kill baby Hitler would be great, but mostly I’d just want to go back to the exact second the curtain starts to raise on this performance, before I knew where it was headed next.
2. Olivia Colman winning Best Actress at The Oscars If you think it’s weird that there are two separate things from the same awards show on my list of the top things from the entire year, then, well, you’ve come to the wrong place.
This is the absolute platonic ideal of someone winning an Oscar. Our genuine shock at hearing their name, THEIR genuine shock at hearing their name, the genuine emotion from everyone involved, a speech that is heartfelt, human, funny, and charming in a way that only a true star could ever dream of being, all in equal measure. And it’s all part of a YouTube clip you can watch endlessly and find new things every time. (Glenn Close’s reaction when she loses is like an entire drama in and of itself.) Sure awards shows may be dumb, but then also, this is why they’re not.
3. Sharon Van Etten - “Seventeen” in advance of this year’s Oscars I just want to be on record that my favorite movie from 2019 about aging, feeling that life is passing you by, grappling with mortality, the passage of time, and the generation coming up behind you is Closing My Eyes And Listening To “Seventeen” By Sharon Van Etten. It has it all: the creeping melancholy and regret, the sense of doom that you try to dance away, the feeling that the past was maybe just a dream, the urge to yell into an increasingly uncaring void.
Part of the curse of aging is everyone becoming their own Casandra. Now you know, but no one will listen. And part of the joy of aging is realizing it doesn’t really matter if they do.
4. The writing on Succession
“Proof that, as long as the writing is there, TV doesn’t need to be anything more than people having conversations in rooms.” - theringer.com
I have a rule with these year end lists that I can’t feature something I’ve listed in a previous year. But it’s actually illegal to write about the best of 2019 without mentioning Succession. So I’m going to get around my self-imposed rule by this year specifically highlighting the writing on the show.
The amazing thing about Succession is how watchable it is not despite, but almost BECAUSE of the fact that not much actually happens. People talk a lot about things they are GOING to do, or MIGHT do, but there’s not a ton of actual DOING. And that’s actually great, because what we’re really here for is the talking. Every character talks with the biting wit of an Armando Iannucci character, the deep intelligence of an Aaron Sorkin character, and the realism of an actual human being. I find myself constantly rewinding just to make sure I took in the brilliance of each dialogue exchange. And literally every line Kieran Culkin is given to say would be the best line of the entire season on 90% of the shows on TV.
Everyone talks about how great the acting on Succession is, and rightly so, but actors are nothing without good words to say. And on Succession, to paraphrase a president of the United States that I’m sure ACN would love, they have the best words.
5. The chemistry of Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein in Booksmart My favorite movie of 2017 was Lady Bird. My favorite movie of 2018 was Eighth Grade. So suffice it to say I was well prepared for how much I loved Booksmart. But what I was not prepared for at all was the incredible chemistry of two actors I had previously never even heard of before: Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein. It feels impossible that the two of them aren’t real-life best friends. Life-long friendship is such a specific bond it feels impossible to fake, and yet somehow Kaitlyn and Beanie pulled the magic trick off. Experiencing the giddy contact high of their chemistry felt like being in the presence of a miracle. And anyone who says the romantic comedy is dead clearly didn’t see Booksmart, because maybe the best romantic comedy of the decade was the story of two people realizing the deepest, purest, most unique love of all can sometimes be the love you have for your best friend.
6. Fleabag Season 2 What on earth is there left to say about Fleabag that hasn’t already been said? And yet somehow even with all the discourse about this show it has still maintained its status as the rare cultural phenomenon with a 100% approval rating. To be as massive and as beloved as Fleabag and yet inspire zero backlash, not even a stray contrarian take from an online troll, feels impossible, and yet also, in the case of Fleabag, totally right. If (the now VERY problematic) Louie was the beginning of giving people money to make their idiosyncratic, personal, not-quite a drama not-quite a comedy TV shows, then Fleabag is the end. The apex of the art form. There’s nowhere to go from here but down. 2019 was the year television finally peaked. It was the year we all witnessed perfection. And it was the year that we fittingly all had a priest to guide us there.
7. Chelsea Peretti’s monologue at the WGA Awards Ironic that the year that proved that awards shows don’t need hosts is also the same year that gave maybe the best example ever of what a great awards show host can do. Chelsea goes so far inside baseball it gives new meaning to the phrase “corker”, and it’s all the better for it.
8. Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride If you don’t think Father of the Bride is the best album of 2019 then congrats on not being a late-30s straight white man. But as a late-30s straight white man myself I’ve got two big things going for me:
1.) A life that has benefited from a history of privilege and near-total control over society stretching from the beginnings of civilization up until today 2.) An understanding that Father of the Bride is the best album of 2019
But what about Bon Iver and Wilco and The National and Sturgill Simpson and Big Thief, didn’t they all put out albums for late-30s straight white men this year you ask? To which I say: did any of those albums have a song on them called “Unbearably White”? No they did not! And that sort of ironic self-awareness is the kind of shit that has fueled a million straight white male sketch comedy scenes. It is the air we breathe. Also, have you heard “Harmony Hall” lately? Or “This Life”? Or “Stranger”? I mean, come on, leaving Brooklyn to make your “settled down in LA” album is the sort of late-30s straight white guy catnip James Murphy could only DREAM ABOUT. I may not have much these days, other than unlimited power and privilege, but at least I will always have Vampire Weekend, and they will always have me.
9. Lizzo Every year there is one thing that defines the year. One thing that 50 years in the future when someone mentions that year, it will be the first thing that pops into everyone’s head. And in America for 2019 that thing will be the impeachment of Donald Trump. But if there is a second thing, then it’s Lizzo. She was there when the year started, only got bigger as the year progressed and was arguably still getting more popular as the year ended. And she was everywhere. She was on massive stages and behind tiny desks. She was at the movies, she was on TV, she was coming out of every open car window. And she was definitely at every wedding you went to this year. Lizzo WAS 2019.
With the impeachment of Donald Trump I don’t know how far down the presidential line of succession we have to go before we get to Lizzo, but I know we would all be better off if we would hurry up and get there. Lizzo is the best of us.
10. This picture of Baby Yoda 
Ok I was wrong. Take everything I said about Lizzo and double it for This Picture Of Baby Yoda (you know the one, or if you don’t, click the link above). On the wikipedia entry for the year 2019 that definitely needs to be the picture. 
11. Kodi Lee on America’s Got Talent I realize you probably weren’t sitting around watching America’s Got Talent this summer. I certainly wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t happened to be working the live show tapings. But lemme tell you, if you didn’t see the show, you missed out on something truly magical this year. Something that makes you rethink what human beings are capable of. Something that goes so far beyond inspirational that I don’t think our language has a word to fully express it. Kodi Lee is a real life superhero, and provoking emotion is his superpower. Making it thru a full Kodi Lee performance without crying should be the new Turning Test. Forget America; Humans Have Talent indeed.
12. Taylor Swift - “Cruel Summer” Look I didn’t expect to ever find another “Teenage Dream”, but, well, here we are. I mean, a Taylor Swift single produced by Jack Antonoff and co-written by Annie Clark is pretty much genetically engineered to be one of my favorite things ever, but still: wow. Do the kids still use the term “banger”? Because if so, this is why the term was invented. I would have more to say about how great the rest of Lover is as well, but sorry, I gotta go now. I have to listen to “Cruel Summer” for the eight millionth time.
13. Michelle Williams in Fosse/Verdon If there was an award for best acting performance in any medium this would be the clear winner for 2019. In fact, can you win an EGOT for one single performance? What about a Nobel Prize? I can’t come up with an award or a title big enough to truly honor Michelle Williams’ work in Fosse/Verdon.
As a fellow actor very rarely a performance will come along that will make me think: ok we’re done here. Let’s all the rest of us pack it up and go home, because someone just won acting. This is one of those performances. So congrats to Dame Michelle Williams, you’re the new Pope.
14. American Factory My favorite line in all of Shakespeare is “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. And nothing is evidence of that more than the piece of art I have thought about most this year: the documentary American Factory (available on Netflix right now!). So many of the things we in western societies believe are universal bedrock virtues and value are in fact simply products of the society in which we were raised. Individualism, personal expression, autotomy, the importance of leisure time, and so many other things, are not absolute human values, only relative ones. What is important to someone in America, can be ridiculous and incomprehensible to someone in China. And vice versa. And neither side is right or wrong, only thinking makes it so.
American Factory is documentary that doesn’t say WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW WAS WRONG, but instead shows something that is perhaps even more powerful: what if everything you know is simply just that, a thing you know.
15. White Claw Life is an endless parade of infinite options, possibilities, and choices. So I have no idea how you personally chose to spend your 2019. With one exception: I Know What You Did Last Summer. You drank an alcoholic seltzer water. Probably many of them, but at least one. At a park, at a beach, in a backyard, definitely at a party. If at some point this summer your paws weren’t wrapped around a White Claw (or a similar product) then you didn’t actually experience 2019. Because this is the year we all collectively got obsessed with combining America’s two hottest drink trends: flavored sparkling water and…hold on, lemme look up the name of this stuff…alcohol?
History may record summer 2019 as Hot Girl Summer, but those us who actually lived it know the truth: it was Hard Seltzer Summer
16. Marriage Story A movie that fundamentally misunderstands things I care about deeply - theater, Los Angeles, how the entertainment industry works - is my favorite movie of the year because of how deeply it gets right the thing I care about most: human beings. The way we talk, the way we behave, the way we love, the way we hurt, the way we create bonds that never fully go away. It’s been said a lot, but part of the beauty and magic of this movie is that it doesn’t take sides. Both people are right and both of them are wrong. And that’s how human relationships often work in real life, but rarely in art. There are no heroes, there are no villains; there’s only being alive.

(Also, Adam Driver, Imma let you finish, but Raul Esparza doing “Being Alive” is one of my favorite YouTube clips of ALL TIME. If you ever need to weep uncontrollably and you don’t have time to watch Marriage Story, then Raul Esparza’s “Being Alive” will do the trick)
17. Lil Nas X - “Old Town Road” “What kind of music do you like” used to be a very important question. Your sense of identity used to be defined by the type of music you listened to and what that choice said about you. But now music-as-cultural-signifier is as dead as the concept of owning music itself. Rap music is for elementary school kids. Country music is made by queer black Americans collaborating with Dutch teenagers. Billy Ray Cyrus and Korean pop stars appear on remixes of the same song. A song about an old road and an antiquated mode of travel becomes a massive hit thru the brand new music app TikTok. What kind of music do we like in 2019? All of the “kinds” of music at once, in one marvelously inescapable two minute burst of joy. Music is dead; long live music.
18. Chernobyl If you thought it was crazy that the year’s biggest song was a novelty country/hip-hop track by an unsigned artist rapping about trying to find parking for his horse, then wait until you find out what the summer’s biggest hit TV show was about! I mean, nothing screams “summer fun” like nuclear radiation and shooting dogs. But as always, no one ever truly knows what people will want until you give it to them. And clearly what we really wanted in our LOL Nothing Matters age was a captivating reminder that life on earth truly could end at any moment. Some things very much DO matter. And that something as dramatic, devastating, and consequential as Chernobyl could have happened in the fairly recent past and already have been largely forgotten about is incredible. But if you can take such a compelling story and tell it as well as the makers of Chernobyl did, then people will watch and learn and better understand an issue of vital importance, no matter how seemingly uncommercial it might be. So in a very 2019 sentence: thank you creator of the the Hangover franchise for your miniseries about a 1980 Russian power plant explosion. It was our collective summer obsession. (2019 was a weird year.)
19. Raphael Bob-Waksberg - Someone Who Will Love You In All You Damaged Glory
“I think about how loving someone is kind of like being president, in that it doesn’t change you, not really. But it brings out more of the you that you already are.”
Back in the day, Raphael Bob-Waksberg had a tumblr that was so good it both single-handedly inspired me get much better and writing my thoughts and putting them on the internet (thus what you are reading right now) and intimidated me out of doing it more often (why I now do this only once a year). In fact, I’m almost positive I had his tumblr listed as one of my top things of a year in the past, which is really the highest honor a tumblr account can receive. It was one of the single most impactful forces in the direction of my creative life. And now Raphael has taken the voice that created that tumblr and created my favorite TV show (BoJack Horseman) and wrote my favorite ever Craigslist post, and used it to create a book about love and loss and being human. And it feels like a wonderful treasure that was written just for me. It IS my worldview, expressed better than I ever possibly could. When I meet people now rather than doing the usual introductory small talk I am just going to hand them a copy of this book.
20. The New One - Mike Birbiglia Speaking of art that felt deeply personal to me…just hearing even a rough outline of the story Mike Birbiglia tells in The New One was enough to start me on a path of perhaps reconsidering one of my most deeply held beliefs. By talking about parenthood in a refreshingly honest and shockingly open way, he is able to possibly change lives. I know finally actually seeing the show in person (and it’s now available on Netflix) felt like a possible turning point in mine. Is it theater? Is it standup? Does it matter? Here’s what there are no questions about: it’s hilarious and deeply felt and perfectly constructed. It’s an absolute master class in story telling. And it’s my favorite thing I saw this year.
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gdays · 3 years
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10/1/21
I'm not too worried about the emory situation. I think that if I was toxic when I dated them, then at least I'm not now. And who cares if they still think I'm wanting them back? It's not like that's at all true, I'm happy af with gin! I also emphasize a ton more with gin right now after tripping about an ex related situation for a second. It makes me feel much better knowing that I was really having a big giant spiral about my ex even tho I have zero feelings towards them. It was all about whether or not I was a good partner back then and questioning what I did wrong. Just like gin sometimes has bad rachel feelings that I misconstrue to be missing rachel. My head is still going to say that he probably misses her, but at least now I'll have the second thought that i felt the same way as he does about Emory, so he's probably not missing Rachel or wanting her back.
Also I fucking let my coworker Ryan pray for me tonight when he saw me after he found out my grandma (sandy) died. Idk I think I'm just a huge people pleaser and thought it would make him feel good so I did. I obviously don't get shit outta that, but i guess I'm willing to bend when it'll make things not awkward. I can't imagine my feelings of awkwardness if I'd said no.
I'm thinking about trying to find out the name of an ex gf of Sandy's so I can talk with them about her, idk. I really want to know more about her life when she was young and I cant stop thinking about that. I know this is probably messed up in some people's eyes, but I'm contemplating whether or not to sell the ring sandy gave me. Lately I'm leaning towards keeping it and maybe using it as a wedding ring like Barnes had given it to me for, even tho it isn't really my style. The thing is it'd be more of a reminder of sandy as opposed to a reminder of me and gin, so I'm still going back and forth on its use as a wedding ring. I just don't want to regret the decision if I sell it and then someday wish I hadn't.
I skipped work yesterday because I felt like I couldnt get thru it with being sad about sandy. Today I went to work and I ended up having a real long convo with aaron about me being trans and everything and he wants to be friends I think. I'm nervous to befriend a 50yo dude, i tend to avoid boomers as much as possible just because of how accepting they've been in the past, but he does seem really chill about everything honestly. He invited me and gin to go on a haunted vineyard weekend thing to do some paranormal investigating and I said sure for next year; it sounds fun tbh! He invited me to his place back on the 4th of July also, so maybe hes just a big old extrovert and really wants to socialize with everyone.
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