#but i guess this year has been a health issue after another

[the-kingshound]

Hey I just wanted to ask when you plan the next update? It's really good so far and I'm kinda obsessed😂

*cries in bad italian*

I wish I could tell you😢 the truth is that I have something written but I have hit a complete block because doubt has creeped on me. I wanted to scrape everything, to remake the entire structure of the chapter...

So recovering form that I am now trying to read what I have and keep writing from that, cutting myself some slack. I really wanted to have an update ready by february or march... but at this point I'm hoping april.

(On the side, I have been quite busy working at my parents bakery. Because in Italy in Easter people buy and gift each other chocolate eggs and my parents are being worked to the bone)

[lovetren]

i love november but november this year did not love me </3

[thurstonwaffles]

I know some of you have probably been curious how Shelli and I have been doing since we lost him. I’m sure it wasn’t a secret that we had a very strong bond with Thurston. When I say he was my best friend, that wasn’t an exaggeration. And to Shelli he was her baby. Suffice it to say we grieved hard. Things got bad for a while, to the point that our lives fell completely apart for a little bit there. I guess that’s a story for another day, but suffice it to say that, along with help from our families, one of the last gifts Thurston gave us is that we both finally sought treatment for our long-term issues with mental health. And things are going pretty well now.

I feel like we have both reached some measure of peace with his passing. It’s been hard and I still struggle just to see his little face sometimes. I definitely want to keep posting on his YouTube, but going through his videos is really hard for me as I’m sure you can imagine. I am getting closer to being able to do it though.

Thurston was not only a cat but a person to me. Maybe some people would say that are having this level of bond with a cat is unhealthy, but I’ve always believed that when you love it is something you should give freely, completely unrestrained. Because the consequences of regret from holding back love are far greater than the pain of loss later on when you’ve given with your whole heart. It’s worth it to just give! The love I have for Thurston still gives me joy to think about. It’s more important and stronger than the pain of his loss. And that’s really how I would like him to be remembered as a beautiful creature, a beautiful PERSON, that gave us lots of joy.

Every cat is spectacularly special and beautiful in their own way. Perhaps some of Thurston’s beautiful qualities are things you see reflected in your own cat. Or maybe your cat has their own special beauty that no one can see but you. So all I can say, is treasure that animal, and give them all your love. As every cat knows: they totally deserve it 😽

So after a lot of reflection, Shelli and I found we had more love to give. Our new house was completely cat-ified for Thurston anyhow, so we adopted two cats from local shelters. We are learning more about who each of them are so they can show us their own unique personalities. Their names are Nanners and Moon Pie

Anyhow, I hope this post finds you well! How was your year? Have any thoughts to share? I hope you’re doing well.

[graychrissy]

🌊Digital Detox + Egyptians lucid dreaming method 🌊

Idk what to put on the title of this post so I wrote digital detox and I have copy pasted the main lines.

In the ancient Egypt the Egyptians use to have lucid dreaming alot and it was extremely easy for for them not just Egyptians but it was also mention ancient Indian scriptures.

You’re probably wondering ‘what’s the secret’? The real problem is often NOT your technique. It’s actually another issue that no amount of techniques, articles, reality checks, supplements or uncomfortable masks is going to fix. It’s your ‘inner game’. Specifically, your subconscious motivation and reward circuits, and ‘dopamine cycle’. Travel in your mind for a second, to ancient Egypt.

There were no smart phones, internet connections, computer animated action movies or virtual reality headsets.

Your brain back then would have produced a healthy amount of dopamine as a reward for pretty basic things like eating, working, exploring, and taking some time to relax or meditate

Now our average attention spans are literally less than 7 SECONDS. It’s probably a lot lower than that, and It’s declining every single year with the rise of new, highly addictive and stimulating social media apps and platforms. When was the last time you meditated for over 90 minutes? Have you ever? I’m not saying you have to do that to lucid dream, but this sort of practice was very common 5000 years ago. In fact, it was weird NOT to do that. And herein lies the main problem.

Your brain is ‘fried’ with an overly stimulated dopamine pathway. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that stimulates the feeling of WANTING to keep doing something. It’s the reason you keep scrolling through Instagram, or keep refreshing your Facebook feed to see if there are any new comments or notifications. But it’s also the SUBCONSCIOUS reason you aren’t able to lucid dream easily. In the last decade especially, there have been billions of dollars spent by big tech to essentially ‘addict you’ to their platforms. Why? Money. The more time and energy you spend on platforms like that, the more money they make. So the task has been given to artificial intelligence. The AIs often just get trained and told a few basic things: 1: Get people to spend more time on the platform 2: Get people to keep coming BACK to the platform as often as possible The ‘AI’ pays almost NO attention to what that would do to your mental health, attention span, motivation, emotions, or really anything else. Much LESS attention is paid to the effect it has on your ability to focus, or do things like, say, lucid dream. Now, the ‘dopamine cycle’ is one part of the problem, but it’s actually pretty easy to fix. There are several little pieces to what I call the ‘modern brain puzzle’. Things that just weren’t a problem 5000 years ago. You can see some of this playing out in children today. On average, children or people under the age of 15, find it MUCH easier to lucid dream than adults do. It’s because at that age, their dopamine system has not been damaged too much. This is of course changing now, as more and more children are having access to smartphones, but it’s an interesting point. In fact not only does the dopamine problem affect your ability to lucid dream, it also affects your ability to WANT to lucid dream (consciously and subconsciously). Specifically I’m talking about your motivation and focus. And you guessed it, there’s your number one cause of problems when trying to meditate, practice techniques like the WILD, or recall your dreams.

After reading this paragraph or stanza whatever,I noticed something,as a kid I had lucid dreams alot with just putting intentions.

My first lucid dream was at around 7-8 years old,and I was sinking when I realised I was dream and I tried controlling my dream and even succeeded,and I was probably there for about 10 minutes playing with underwater creatures and mermaids.

And till 7 grade I use to have alot of lucid dreams but after that I was allowed to use phone and so I was always invested in phone like all the time. By the way lucid dream was pretty normal for me and I pretty much forgot about it and never really paid attention to lucid dreaming. And then I rarely had any lucid dreams, probably 4 times ever since 8 grade and I've noticed every time I lucid dream it's always whenever I don't use any social media.

In 9 grade my phone was taken again because my mother noticed my social media addiction. And after few months I again start to lucid dream for fun easily and effortlessly but during COVID I was again allowed to have my phone and then a new laptop so now my life was revolving around social media again and for the past few year I only lucid dream whenever I don't get to use my phone more then 2 days.

Idk bout y'all but I wasn't allowed to use phones or laptop till 8th grade so the only thing I knew was TV which I only watched after coming home so like my mind was most of the te bored because I didn't had anything to keep it entertain which made it easy for me to observe around looking for things to do.

So how can you reverse the ‘dopamine problem’ and several of the other issues modern life has created? By the way: This is NOT about destroying your phone and going back to live in a cave. There are actually several powerful habits you can install, that will let you KEEP using your phone, laptop etc, but without these harmful effects. Here’s the simple solution to more lucid dreams: 1. Reverse engineer your life and remove distractions, manipulation, ‘dopamine hijacking’ and harmful blue light exposure from your daily routine (along with some other ‘problem patterns’) 2. Get inside your subconscious brain and rewire yourself to WANT to practice lucid dreaming, and to effortlessly do reality checks at the right time, without even trying 3. Learn powerful ‘all day awareness’ and ‘lucid living’ techniques that give your brain superpowers in the fight 4. On top of THAT foundation, learn the most effective techniques and concepts, use our tools to stay motivated, and experience lucid mastery within 14 days. Let’s dive a little bit deeper: First, you have to ‘reverse engineer’ the problem. This can be complicated if you don’t know what you’re doing, but we’ve laid everything out step by step for you. If dopamine addiction is part of the problem, we have to break that addiction first. Then comes your mindset, and your motivation pathways. You need to actually feel GOOD when you practice these things. I see so many people saying they’re struggling to remember to do reality checks, or they just don’t want to wake up at ‘weird times’ to practice. Don’t worry, you won’t have to. It will feel good, and you’ll ENJOY practicing these things. Next, your subconscious mind. It’s SO important to fix your internal beliefs about lucid dreaming, because the chances are you have ‘internal blocks’ about becoming lucid. They’re easy to pick up, but a bit harder to ‘unlearn’. The system shows you how to ‘unlearn’ them, and install new, powerful and self affirming beliefs into your mind. This gives your brain lots more motivation to keep trying. Now, one of the most common things I hear people say is that they can’t REMEMBER to keep doing reality checks. It’s linked to the dopamine problem we mentioned earlier, but it’s also connected to a few other psychological principles that we’ll get onto. We’ll give you a new framework to ENJOY reality checks, remember them without any annoying reminders, and actually get them to SHOW UP in your dreams, 9 out of 10 times. And then finally, we’ll build the most effective techniques, methods and concepts on top of that new, strong foundation. Of course, I’m simplifying this here, but that’s the outline.

Here are some videos that may help.

If you want to know more about it or get the steps to lucid dream you can buy the book or go through a long step to get it for free but the procedure is very long and probably only for Iphone user.

You find some good articles ways to do the 'reverse dopamine' thingy.(I donot trust my research on this topic cuz I got confuse)

You may use Adambja's tape to reprogram your subconscious and this hacking the matrix tape the comments under the video was so good and I found this tape on someone's success story. You can use this two tapes to reprogram your subconscious and of course psych-k.

This is pretty much all you need digital detox,observing your surroundings and subconscious reprogramming to change your belief or assumptions.

And this will make you even more motivated that you are working on your goals as many of us have the access of devices it's hard for us to keep up with all this method and it's not like we are always busy if we are we wouldn't be scrolling through Tumblr and Pinterest all the time. If you read the the copy pasted part you'll see what I mean.

Edit: I forgot to mention it 🥲 if we follow do this we CAN HAVE lucid dream everyday.

Egyptians lucid dreaming tea

This will be quick,so I went to my aunt's place with my mother and my aunt's ran out of tea powder/leaves so she used her daughter's blue lotus tea and after getting home I took a nap and I HAD A FOKING LUCID DREAM,so basically I didn't knew that it was the tea until I was doing some research on LD and found out that in ancient Egypt they use Blue Lotus tea and I found some review about it on YouTube and people had very vivid dreams aswell. This tea basically put you in REM which y'all probably know about.

But I don't like tea😐,so if anyone have interest you can try I honestly want to but my hate for tea is on top on the list of top 5 things I hate,you can find them online people even use Blue Lotus in vape😐not encourageling y'all to smoke but if anyone does you can.

[whiskehorange]

Its been a very, very, long time.

I don't even really know where to even begin, thats how long it's been since I've a) posted and b) logged onto my Tumblr. It's been close to a year, even 2 since I've actively posted anything on here before taking that sudden break without any warning. It was much unexpected to me as I'm sure it was for those of you who were actively keeping up with me, but I do want to assure you guys that its nothing too devastating.

I've noticed I've only seemed to gain followers and interactions on all of my posts in the year and some I've been gone, and I not only want to thank you guys immensely, as I usually do, for that but also for such a warmer welcome than I thought I was going to see, and that eases my nerves a bit. I guess to jump right into it, aside from spending this entire post apologizing even though that's what I want to do, I'll start you guys off with a little update: I've moved! I'm in a much more positive and helpful environment than before. It's come with its very high ups and very low downs, but I've been able to accomplish more where I am right now that stuck in the depressive hole and mental health crisis's I was having a year ago.

That being said, I've gotten a stable job as well after a few months of very combative mental health issues and many doctors visits later! It's certainly a start but its decent income for me in the situations I'm in now.

On the sillier/less important side, I am still with my boyfriend, @horrormomshoe (although he hasn't touched his tumblr longer than I had) and as many of you remember my guinea pigs, I am sad to say that my poor Elon has passed away late of last year right before I moved. I do still have Eddie and he's just a silly as ever.

Other than that I can't really think of too much else that has happened besides really small things that honestly just wouldn't be fun for you guys to sit here and read, but the TLDR: I'm happy (debatable HAHA), healthy (also debatable), and in a much better position than I was before. And you know I can't end this off without another apology for such a sudden departure, and it's been stuck in the back of my mind and has harbored a lot of guilt for how I left. Now while I certainly can't guarantee I'll be spending as much time on here as I used to now that I have a full time job, but there will definitely be frequent check ins, posts, and whatnot like before. I've certainly got enough in my inbox to keep my occupied and I've really missed being on here as much as I used to. I really look forward to getting back into this a little bit at a time, I've been dying to get my energy out somehow <3

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Adrien is Marinette's Therapist, NOT her Boyfriend and it's Gross

Mental health struggles are no joke and, if you have those struggles, then you absolutely need a partner who will support you through them. That's why, at face value, Adrien supporting Marinette with her PTSD and anxiety is very sweet. It's what a good boyfriend should do. The problem is that Adrien is being written like her therapist, not her boyfriend.

Adrien has his own struggles with depression, loss, and paternal neglect. Yet none of these struggles are brought up once Adrien and Marinette get together. Instead, the relationship is all about her needs and struggles even though this season ends with Gabriel's take down, meaning that focusing on Adrien's issues would have made more sense from a narrative perspective. How much more powerful would the final have been if Marinette really understood Adrien, Emilie, and Gabriel's relationship?

But why do that when we can make everything about Adrienette instead? Why bother to mention Emilie when Marinette is a much better point of conflict between Adrien and Gabriel? After all, if we did that, then Adrien would have a life outside of Marinette and that would be, well, sigh, let's get into it, shall we?

In Derision, we learn that Marinette apparently doesn't have some form of anxiety or ADHD or any of the other things that people have theorized over the years. No, vanilla-Marinette is a totally relaxed, go-with-the-flow non-planner who only started planning after Chloe, Sabrina, and Kim gave her PTSD. Does this insult her character and make no sense? Yes, but let's not get into that. Let's just accept the retcon and look at the fallout of Adrien knowing that his new girlfriend has massive trauma that's mainly focused on romance and controlling situations.

The very next episode is Intuition. In it we see Marinette calling Adrien to show off her ability to do things without planning (or, at least, with less planning) and it's clear from context that this is an exercise that they're doing:

Adrien: Well... (his phone rings) Fancy that! Marinette! I like spending time with Marinette. (picks up his phone) Marinette: (on-call) Guess what I'm calling for: nothing! Can you believe it? I'm calling you randomly, totally out of the blue, for no reason at all! Adrien: So you didn't write down everything you might need to say to me based on everything I might say to you? Marinette: Not at all! Well... I did. I really tried not to, you know, but it was too hard! Anyhow, I limited myself to fourteen possible conversations, including this one! Adrien: Congratulations! Marinette: (on-call) Thank you! Adrien: And did you prepare questions for science class? Marinette: (on-call) Not-a-one! Not even for the live video conference we're doing with Max's mom on the super awesome Tsurugi space jet! I, Marinette, will improvise questions, unpredictably, without planning anything!

In the context of the show, this conversation is deeply concerning and I don't know wtf the writers think they're doing. There is no way in hell that a 14-year-old should be guiding his girlfriend through a therapy session or therapy exercise unless he has the guidance and approval of a trained mental health professional.

Seriously look at what Adrien is doing in this dialogue: Marinette tells him that she's called him without planning and he doesn't just say "that's great!" Instead, he asks if that's true, congratulates her for her mild improvement, and then prompts her to talk about another situation where she would plan things out. In other words, he's asking about the therapy homework that he's clearly given her or that they've decided on together. It's also clear that this isn't their first discussion on the topic because he's very comfortable knowing what to ask about to see if she's done her homework right.

Why was this homework chosen? Who knows! It certainly wasn't picked by someone with training! A therapist wouldn't tell you to avoid planning for a school assignment (something that we've never seen Marinette overplan before, but once again, we're ignoring the retcon). This scene would arguably be inappropriate for an established adult relationship, but a nascent teenage one? Absolutely not.

My SO and I have both done therapy and seen wildly unbalanced relationships. This conversation threw massive red flags for us on both fronts. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. This is not a give and take. This is why you need a therapist to at least guide you through this type of situation or you will set yourself up in roles where person A is not getting their needs met because the relationship has an established dynamic where person A is the giver and person B is the taker.

This is especially true for a young relationship that's just getting its feet off of the ground. They're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase! More established relationships are better able to handle phases where one person needs more support than the other which absolutely happens and is totally normal. However, when those things happen, it's vital for the supporting partner to have their own support since they can't get it from their partner.

Miraculous denies Adrien this suport. In the very next episode, we get this:

Adrien: I've always seen Marinette acting funny in my presence. I thought that was just the way she was. I thought it was sweet. I thought it was just her charm. But now that I know it's because she loves me and she freaks out about telling me, I feel bad. Because it means that this whole time she's been uncomfortable around me, and I haven't done anything to help her. Kagami: But you didn't know. Adrien: It doesn't take away from her suffering. I just wish she could feel more at ease when she's with me. Otherwise, one day, it'll be too late and she'll give up. Kagami: What can I do to help, Adrien? Adrien: Thanks, but it's not up to you or anyone else to help. I'm the one who's gotta do something.

No! Adrien, you are not equipped to deal with this solo. Ask Kagami to help! Ask Alya to help! Ask Marinette's parents to help! There are times when it's okay to involve others in your relationship and this is one of those times! This isn't even a relationship issue! It's a mental health issue! I know we're flipping gender roles here, but it's not somehow cute or healthy just because a guy is trying to "fix" the girl for once. No one should try to take on that task. This is what therapy is for.

If therapy is not an option for financial or other reasons, then yes, sometimes you have to struggle through and loved ones can help, but in TV land? Especially aimed-at-kids TV land? Show the ideal scenario! At the very least, show a support network! And I mean actual support, not Kagami asking to help and Adrien shooting her down! Writers, you are making Gabriel's dislike of Marinette valid! You are making it so that she is dragging Adrien down! Stop doing that!

Adrien deserves love and support, too. Adrien deserves to be romanced. Adrien deserves more than a kiss and an "I love you" that he had to fight to hear! He never even gets one of the presents from Marinette's chest. She did more to woo him before they got together and it's such pathetic writing.

The fun of getting these two together is letting them do all the stuff they've always wanted to do! Let Marinette bring him macrons! Let him bring her roses! Let her enhance his wardrobe! Let him write her poems! Let them be a healthy, balanced, sickeningly-cute couple! It's fine if she's nervous at the start and takes a while to act normal, but this show takes it to a level beyond teenage jitters and it's not funny or cute. It's concerning.

All of these issues start with Derision's romance-based-PTSD retcon and it was the worst thing they could have done for the Love Square. It poisons the rest of the season and is why I just can't ship these two in canon even though I love what they could have been. They have established such a horrifically unhealthy dynamic that I can't see this ending well unless they get couple's therapy in the very near future and that's not even touching on the baggage that will come from the lies and still unresolved Ladynoir trauma.

As soon as Marinette has romance-based PTSD, she was incapable of being in a relationship until after she'd learned to manage her PTSD. (PTSD cannot be cured, btw, you just learn how to manage it and the symptoms can lessen.) The writers apparently knew that. It's why they gave her a therapist to support her as she worked through her issues and got to the point where she can say "I love you". His name is Adrien. Isn't he cute?

[wraithsoutlaws]

.

spent over 6 hours at the hospital today with family as my aunt was pulled off life support and its just. bizarre the suddenness of it all. she had heart surgery a couple months ago and they found she also had stage 3 lung cancer but she died of a totally unrelated infection that went septic, they still don't know where it came from or how it was caused and its hard to grasp it I guess. My core family has all lived on the same large property pretty much my whole life, so we've always been pretty close. we go on road trips and camping trips every year. she hosts all the holidays for the family and we cram into her little house and eat some delicious meal she cooked. I hate knowing that her last conscious moments were fear and pain. I know despite all her recent health issues she never considered death as a tangible possibility which is almost irresponsible because she left so much more work for everyone to figure out but I think it underlines the fear she had of it and it just feels really tragic.

i know her one stated wish was that her dog gets euthanized and his ashes are buried with her, so that's another tragic thing that has to be done. for the record the dog is also riddled with health problems and tumors (he was given 'a couple months to live' 2 years ago so he's managed to hang on but he has next to no quality of life and can hardly walk, i think he'd really suffer living without her). i dunno the whole thing is just so sad.

im okay, I'm just kinda at a loss, its gonna be so strange without her. She had a lot of complications after her heart surgery (her wound re-opened and she was struggling a lot with that), so at least she's not suffering anymore

[capricioussun]

How do you interpret US Papyrus? I'm always curious how others interpret him because there's a good range of them!

Ooh, in general?? Hm, I guess mostly the way I try to interpret him is sort of like if you gave UT Papyrus chronic fatigue and issues tied to having to act as the judge in his world! Which, to me, basically makes him very silly, kind, sassy, but also very insecure and very lonely.

I should explain- ough this is gunna be an essay so there'll need to be a readmore soon aha, but I should explain how the whole "judge" thing usually works in my interps!

It's not an inherent thing, or some "angel given" power, there has always been an acting Royal Judge, someone the crown had appointed that they felt they could, well, trust the judgement of, who they could consult about crimes and justice and whatnot. The prior judge Fell some years ago, but since Toriel/Asgore had already left, Asgore/Toriel never appointed another, as a sort of self punishment as well as a promise they would continue with their task of collecting the human souls without the assistance (or interference) of someone else.

That was until Sans/Papyrus came along. The "judging" effect was caused by one of the many methods Gaster used to make the brothers, involving the justice soul trait. This is where the KR came from, as well as the unique ability to "see" the sins in others' souls. After discovering this unique ability, eventually the king/queen asks Sans/Papyrus to act as the new judge (as well as some other reasons that vary depending on AU).

Now, the kr and "judge" ability manifested in Stretch much later than the sanses in non-swapped AUs, which made it a much more difficult transition that only made it much harder for him to socialize with others. He basically couldn't "turn it off", which, on top of feeling incredibly guilty about the invasion of privacy, made him feel anxious and stressed out and couldn't help but put the negative thoughts front and center in his attention, making him also feel like those were the most prominent thoughts and feelings of those around him.

So like, you know how anxiety and self image issues make you feel like everyone secretly hates you or finds you annoying or etc etc etc, basically, he had "proof" that was true, and despite trying his best to ignore it, things are already hard enough for a pre-teen/teen, on top of his physical health taking such the dip it did around that time, too, he quickly became anxiety riddled, isolated, and miserable.

Before then, he was actually a lot like Rus (UT) when he was a kid! And it was hard on Blue, too, since he was practically just a teen himself, so for all of that to land on his brother as well as needing to work harder to take care of him when he had bad health flares, things were rough for a while there.

That being said, Blue did help in keeping Stretch's mental health from completely plummeting, always trying to keep his mood up, encouraging him, trying to find him friends (how he met Undyne aka Sylv!), etc etc, and the brothers grew a lot closer in that time, as Stretch had always admired Blue, and it meant a lot to him.

That was until, of course, things never got any better. His health continued to decline into older teendom/young adulthood, and there was some personal drama here and there, especially involving Sylv, and when Blue joined the guard, that was the last straw. Stretch was sick of feeling like such a burden on everyone, so even though he'd initially turned Toriel down to act as judge (knowing his brother absolutely hated that she'd even asked him in the first place), he went back to her and accepted. That was really when the distance between the brothers started, which wasn't helped by the resets starting up soon thereafter.

(Quick aside, as he got older, he did get the hang of controlling his "judging" ability, and "turning it off" is no longer an issue for him later on)

So in his efforts to become more independent, he worked a lot on his social life and how to interact with others and make himself well liked. Sure, maybe he doesn't really have any real friends, and people forget his name all the time, but he'd finally learned how to utilize his heightened intuition to get along with people, rather than weird them out.

He’s still riddled with anxiety and self worth issues, but he’s gotten incredibly good at masking, and typically comes off as very relaxed and friendly. He’s a big fan of wordplay and very mild practical jokes (like those types of gags where you put on Groucho Marx glasses and pretend to be someone else. Blue always plays along for the bit), but he has a tendency to hold people at arms length, and tries to avoid others actually getting to know him.

Very few people know he’s the judge, and he prefers it that way, he'd rather everyone underestimate him so he never disappoints. That being said, he does still make quite an effort to help those around him without their knowledge, and he’s still lowkey very interested in engineering and computer science. Him and Rus are definitely two peas in a pod when it comes to interests, they could talk about comics for hours on end, but the primary difference is that Stretch tries much harder to hide how much he cares, where as Rus will shout it from the rooftops.

I'm not a big fan of the characterizations that make him a huge brat, sometimes even an outright jerk, I don't really understand them since neither Sans nor Papyrus are like that, but w/ my guy, he’s definitely a huge dork and sweetheart, who just also happens to be very sassy at times ahdjfjsksk

He also still holds on to his belief in others, like Rus. Even despite literally knowing better, he’s also been proven right too many times to lose that hope, which is why, in his fight, as opposed to UT Sans, he gets very quiet and looks miserable. He genuinely doesn't want to hurt them, but he knows he’s out of options. When he offers an out before the fight, he won't spring a surprise attack, and just offers a genuine hug. The player doesn't get a choice after accepting, they kill him, and his final words are pretty similar to Rus' about knowing they can do better, and he believes in them anyway, though he makes a comment about that sounding pretty stupid with a laugh before he collapses off screen.

WOW this got longer than I meant it to I'm sorry huge lore drop instead of just general facts ough BUT ! Idk, hopefully this gives a half decent feel for how I interpret him! I love him a lot I'm mixing him into a salad like a crouton <3

[july-19th-club]

having THE most insane type of scrupulosity situation going on right now which is that. ok for background. i grew up catholic as many know and round about college stopped going to services regularly. and even when i was a kid and therefore obligated to be religious i never had any strong beliefs about it. so i'm the lapsed catholic's lapsed catholic - steeped enough in the cultural mindset to have issues but with no odd hangups about whether god exists (i just don't think he does). so for the past ten twelve years or so the only time i've been to mass has been when i'm with the family for some function or occasion and i've been obligated to go, and due to my general atheism i've never had this huge urge to seek out different kinds of organized religion. i'm intrigued by the reform jewish philosophy but not intrigued enough to formally attempt to join another ritualized congregation etc. but this has been a very trying year and my mother has been on me about Going To Church and i said yeah sure yeah might be a good idea. but i'm not going to YOUR church because i cannot sit through one of your boss's masses and feel anything other than the need to argue theology with him (she is the parish finance wrangler, so priest is her boss. same priest who in 2016 drove my fourth grade teacher to leave the parish entirely bc of his 1st week of november sermon about how you're betraying the Cause (aka antiabortion. that was the only cause) by not voting trump). ANYWAY. so i'm not going to that church. and the only church in my area that i could find that has what i'm looking for which is to say no christian god PER SE is the local Unitarian Universalist around the park from my job. bit of a drive on a day when i don't normally go anywhere but whatever. and on their website it says their summer services are Themed (this year's Theme is The Creative Spirit) and what the service seems to consist of mostly is a bit of drumming and a Chalice (i don't think you drink from it. i think it's ceremonial). and like. folks talkin'. and that's it! which is my ISSUE. like...it seems to EASY. like what i just go there and it's like a weekend class up at chautauqua where some hippie gets enthused about the spirit for a bit and then you leave feeling like you had a fun time but not like, a religiously challenging one? like, is that allowed? is this allowed? like it feels like it doesn't COUNT you know what i mean? like that's not church that's a free music class with a demographic (middle aged ladies who enjoy a good crystal store). what am i supposed to do with THAT. it's too EASY!

the next loosest church is the episcopal one next door to my job. oldest church in the diocese, beautiful dark stone, red door, the works. never been inside but due to its proximity to my work and the great architecture i have had a lot of dreams about what i imagine its interior to look like. this church is like catholic lite as a friend (who i did meet at chautauqua also) once described it. they have a sermon and some prayers and what is called a Healing something after the mass. which i guess is not a mass, it's just a service, huh, because only catholic churches have masses. between where i live and the town where i work are like thirty miles of small "nondenominational" protestant cult churches who are all salivating for new members, which is obviously out of the question. and i'm like in this quandry okay.

which is insane. i feel like i SHOULD go to the episcopal church because a) they said they have some kind of health prayer and i have been particularly concerned with my health over the last month or two which is part of why i'm so stressed i feel the need to go to church, and if i go to the place without the healing prayer i may not have good health. which is obviously a buck wild thought but not one i can easily let go of now that i've had it. and b) because it sounds like Church. like you go there and you say some hail marys, presumably, or something similar, and a guy gets up in a robe and says his opinions on something which you don't really agree with but you sit through it anyway and try not to be too visibly upset when he he hauls off with something really messed up. and then afterward he lays on his hands or something. and maybe this church would NOT have a guy who hauls off with messed up stuff in the homily. maybe he really does accept everybody and pray for peace and all that. maybe so. maybe my biases and my fears are steering me here. and that's the other thing because the UU thing sounds FUN. church is not really intended to be fun in my imagination. it's an obligation that you fulfill in order to get good fortune out of it if you are polite enough to god in the process. even though every religious person i've ever spoken to describes god and grace as non-transactional, the culture tells me that it absolutely IS: when you're low on good emotional stuff or you want some boon you think is ungettable, they'll say 'go to church'. which indicates that there's some transaction taking place, no, that you attend and THEN you receive blessing. blessing does not get to you unless you fulfill your end of a bargain which includes acquiescing to the church itself. the Fun Spiritual Experience sounds too fun to get you that. like i would go and have fun, but would my life get better? would i regret it because it felt like i was wasting time when i needed to be going to a place where i could get a guarantee that i would be healthy during a busy work week which is all i really want right now, to be healthy this week so i don't disrupt the workflow when everybody's schedules are out of whack? it feels like going somewhere just to have fun does NOT net you that. you have to go to a place that does not give you fun and you have to submit to the rigors. or there's no exchange, there's no offering taking place, is there? you're just indulging yourself, at which point you might as well stay home

[bottlecap-joe-spooky]

How bad is the extent of Miles Edgeworth's mental state in rise from the ashes?

Tw: suicide, implied self harm

Obviously he ends up essentially leaving a suicide note of "prosecutor edgeworth chooses death", but that could be symbolic. He HAD already quit his job (one of the only things that had held his life together possibly since his father died) so him as Prosecutor edgeworth had essentially "died".

There's also the ambiguous definition of "dying" in the note. Did he mean it as in he would not be coming back (from death or to prosecution or to japanifornia or whatever) or as he would never come back as the same person (the "demon" prosecutor) or just to fake his own death for a little moral/mental break or whatever (everyone's allowed a little gay panic break every once in a while).

Who knows, and I genuinely love the ambiguity the game leaves.

Obviously, phoenix takes it as a serious suicide note, and is obviously absolutely wrecked by it for the next year. This is a topic often touched upon in fanfiction, though not in the game quite as much. Obviously it is hard to talk about mental health issues in a lawyer game, and they do it really well for a game not technically focused on it and from the early 2000s. Specifically for Maya and Edgeworth I think, as they both have loads of trauma that they deal with in fully different ways. Miles is more worrying though, as most of his coping skills are absolutely horrible, he has very little emotional support, and he's been pretty messed up in the head.

I honestly wonder a lot which people and relationships are meant to mirror the main characters, like phoenix saying shit like "that's so romantic- he saved you- I guess I'd fall in love too-" for the Delite's love story or edgeworth saying Adrian andrews codependent situation is very similar to how Franziska operates with her father or definitely Lana and ema reminding Phoenix of Mia and Maya or him literally telling Adrian andrews to kill herself in court. Specifically that last one. He specifically phrases it as "if you're going to say you would 'choose death', that is of no concern to me."

There is some especially worrying evidence in rise from the ashes, when he was at the most mentally unstable he's ever been. The only time that would compare was when his dad died when he was 8, but even then he had a new foster family to rely on (more or less). He's at his very worse, because, after 15 or so years, all of his past has just been dredged up and solved (by "that man" no less. Also, side note, does he only start saying Phoenix "saved him" after he came back from the dead?)

I really don't like any implications of why edgeworth would have traces of blood on the ground, especially at this point in his life.

So the options here are 1) it's someone else's blood, and maybe he fucking slapped someone so hard they bled or 2) it's his blood on his office floor for whatever reason. Neither imply anything remotely good for his mental state.

At this point it really could just be coincidence and ema is right or whatever. It's an easily missed peice, completely unrelated to the case and just an interesting tidbit for lore maybe. But sadly I found more evidence to support that that is not indeed the case.

I can't remember what the plot point for edgeworth's knife besides the fact that he had it in the car for Lana to find.

Mmm yeah ema. What is that little fruit doing with a knife? Very low chance that gay man knows self defense tbh.

Ema goes on to suggest he spends weekends "roughing it in the wild" and Phoenix basically laughs in her face (does this girl not understand what a homosexual man he is) as Edgeworth has probably never been in "the wild" a day in his life.

This doesn't feel like a coincidence anymore. There is cleaned up blood on his floor, enough for a nosebleed, and there is a knife in his car. One which he would probably never actually use on another person. This and then added to the fact that he had just quit his job and "died" shortly after. it's pretty obvious he is doing worse than even what he says, as he actually is kind of open about how he is doing throughout the games. Obviously he's always trying to hide his feelings (which Phoenix always sees right through), but during the case he does mostly explain to them exactly what is happening. Not that they do or even can help.

His entire career was based around punishing himself for something he didn't actually do. There is no way he isn't harbouring a lot of self loathing, and it's hinted at throughout the games (again, hard to touch on in a lawyer game). This game is so hard to tell what the writers originally meant, both beacause of it being looked at through translations and it being written in the 2000s (like how fruity they 'accidentally' made them in the first game lol) so that's not an angle I can look at this from.

So, to recap, he

had all his past dredged up, obviously very painful

he is open about talking about it, but doesn't show the true extent of how it effects him

has a knife in his car that no one has any real theories on why he has it (and the blood)

There is traces of blood on his office floor

he has spent his entire life punishing himself, and then can't forgive himself for it

he then chooses death

when he comes back, he repeatedly projects onto Adrian Andrews

No wonder he's always saying Phoenix "saved him" he sure needed a bit of saving.

This poor, poor man. His story arc is so beautiful to me.

[saveraedae]

Late Indie Animation Day Post (A thread)

Pouring my heart out edition

Nothing new to show for myself this go around, but hi! I'm Saver! I'm making The Mark Side— a comedy about queer teens in Texas with an underlying personal story about life, mental health, & navigating friendship with a best friend who wants nothing to do with you!

My thread here is less about the series' content, but about my journey as a creator through the years, and my gameplan for it moving forward. If you wanna learn about the series itself check out this post or go to the official TMS website.

But if you've never heard of me— hi!

I'm Saver! An artist, storyteller, and animator!

A bunch of personal and sappy stuff below the cut!

I am not new to the indie animation scene by any means. Just a very small creator with a tiny reach. My journey in beginning to develop TMS as a show kicked off in 2016 when I was only 13.

During this time I made lots of little productions with TMS, most of which had pretty sub-par quality. (I was a kid with no experience after all.)

They're all still out there if you go looking for them!

But hey, I set out to make stuff and guess what? That's what I did!

In 2020, I released an animatic titled "Friend Fiction," which serves as both the pilot as well as episode 1 to the show. I was in high school during its creation and had no idea what I was doing, and it shows! But guess what? I set out to make something, and did exactly that.

Episode 2, "An In-Tents Trip" is currently in production. It will feature a huge increase in production quality, full animation, and will serve as the proof of concept for the show as a whole! (A bit messy with the proof of concept to pilot pipeline, but it's got the spirit!)

Throughout the years I've been through so many personal struggles, both related to TMS and not. There's been countless times where I felt like I was at my breaking point, or like I wasn't good enough. But I kept pushing through, because I wanted to see the show come to life.

I've spent my whole life up until recently living with undiagnosed neurodivergence and untreated mental health issues, and only a short time ago did I realize that despite all of that, I always held onto my one goal: To make a cartoon and tell a story.

Ever since I was a young child, even before TMS existed, I always knew I wanted to make cartoons. Not just any cartoons, my own cartoons. I remember being just 4 years old and daydreaming about spearheading my own production, telling my own stories and entertaining others.

A handful of indie cartoons nowadays, much like industry produced cartoons, feature full teams managing each department, as well as several to many other animators. Which is cool as hell! Who would have thought that one day animation would come to this point?

GLITCH and Spindlehorse are truly blowing my mind by what they have and continue to accomplish. It's really remarkable and satisfying to see as someone who grew up thinking the only way to get things in front of others was to give up control and sacrifice the quality.

Another handful of shows though, which The Mark Side falls under, has everything lead, animated, produced, and even more by just one person: the creator. There's people with enough passion to do what teams of hundreds do, just by themselves. Because they want to.

I one day aspire to expand its production to the likes of the aforementioned studios, but only time will tell if that goal will get met. Regardless, I'm going to keep going. My goal is to get a show made, and my eagerness to see it all in full one day is what drives me.

Does any of that sound messy? Unprofessional even?

It does!

And that's ok!

Indie is not the industry.

Indie is independence, and breaking free from the norm. Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Let your passion and love for your craft drive you

I believe the best creators write and tell stories from the heart.

Not everything will look perfect, but our love for what we do is evident in everything we create, and our eagerness for the future accomplishes more than we think. That's what indie means to me.

I've been through a lot as a creator. And I'm far from meeting my goal. But the world will be ready for what I have to offer some day, and same for whoever this thread resonates with.

Until then, let's support our colleagues and let our creations guide us.

[razor-tits]

A very long and over due life update.

So, to start this off I guess I need to back up. Let's start in October. It feels like yesterday but also a lifetime ago. Things were...ok I'd say. Boring, routine, the only shake up was my hormones ran out and my job was changing our insurance, so I had to cancel my follow up appointment for bloodwork and a refill. But then I got some bad news from my parents.

My dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. He was ok, but he needed surgery. First they thought just a stent, but then decided he needed a triple bypass. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but we're kind of distant. I live a few hours away and only see them around the holidays but we talk on the phone weekly. My dad can lean a little on the conservative side but both of them are the absolute salt of the earth. They're done so much to help me and I felt powerless to be able to help. I couldn't leave work and felt like there was nothing I could do.

The next couple weeks were rough, my dad was staying in the hospital, my mom was going back and forth staying with him and taking care of my grandma, who is in her late 80's and has a litany of health issues. On a Friday I finally managed to make the drive home and spend the weekend there. Seeing my dad laid up in a hospital gown tied to machines is something i'll never forget. He could get up and move and acted like he was ok. But he's one of those guys you meet and you think he's invincible. The kind of guy that put a new roof on our house with a broken finger and can't turn away a stray animal at the door. Some family members I hadn't seen in a long time came and went over the weekend. Thoughts of our own mortality set in and I realize this could be the last time I see any of them.

I've lost people before. Some of them suddenly and unexpectedly. Others who's death was almost a sigh of relief after fighting for so long. I never got to say goodbye when my friend died and I hope he knows how much he meant to me. I don't want to feel that again, ever.

The day of surgery came. He was in the OR for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity and a second at the same time. A few hours after that my mom and I were able to see him. He was extubated already, which was a good sign. But he was on heavy medication, incoherent, coming in and out of sleep. But he knew I was there and that's all that mattered.

I had to leave and make my way back to my parents to get my dog, and then make the 2 hour drive back to Ohio and go back to work in the morning. At this point I knew my dad would be ok, he just had to get through recovery. But now thoughts of my own health were worrying me. I'm not in the best shape, I don't exercise or work out. I've already had surgery to fix stomach problems. Everyone on my dad's side has heart problems, and everyone on my mom's side has cancer and diabetes. There's not much I do to prevent any of that. I'm in my 30's and I feel it, maybe more than I should.

Over the next couple months my mental health continues to fall. I had a birthday and spent it sick, as I always seem to do. It's always a rough time of year for me. Seasonal depression kicks in, I get older, and another year passes. My dog, my best friend, the reason I kept myself alive, is getting old. I see it more and more every day and it breaks my heart.

The holidays came and went. I saw my grandma for the first time in a few years. Always wondering if it will be the last. Despite that, this year I never felt less in the holiday spirit. I used to love this time of year, now I desperately try to enjoy it, but part of me just wants it to be over. The best part seems to be a few days off work.

At this point it should be noted I have not restarted hormones. My identity has always been more in flux than i've let on, and maybe that needs to be it's own post, but I don't know if I want to start again or not. I don't know what I want, I don't know what my goals are. I don't know who i am. Beyond basic hygiene, I really don't even feel like taking care of myself most days. I pretty much always feel melancholic. I'm not angry, I don't get excited, I don't have much joy. My sex drive is non existent and I have no desire to do...well, anything.

New year's comes and I honestly couldn't care. It feels like another day. My gf and I go out and have an Ok time. I'm just so tired all the time it's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself like I used to.

And then, a couple days ago my landlord calls. We have to move out. Not sure when, but probably soon. I'm heartbroken and panicking over it. We absolutely love our house. We've only been here about a year and a half but it's been wonderful. It has plenty of room, privacy, it's quiet. We can leave our doors unlocked and packages aren't stolen off our porch. We're allowed both of our dogs and all 3 of our cats with no issues. We've invested so much time and money here. My gf is close with the owners and their children, who were the previous tenants. We even thought about trying to buy this house off of them when their other kid moves out of the downstairs apartment. And it's affordable. Anything else like what we have now will cost double and we can't afford that.

Our last apartment was tiny, cramped, dark and ran by an awful property investment company. And now we have to deal with that again. If we can even find a place where we can take 5 animals. We can hide 2 of the cats, but not all of them. We're in no position to buy nor do we have the time to go through the process. My gf said we may have to find 2 different apartments and live separately for a while. Just the thought of that brings me to tears. I can't live without her, I can't live without our pets. We're a family. I don't know what to do.

Since I got the phone call I've done nothing but panic, contact rental agencies and weigh my options. None of them are good. Best case scenario is we move in a smaller, worse place, paying more rent.

Nothing is going right for me. I know this isn't insurmountable and nothing that people haven't gone through before. But...god damn I need a break and I can't get one.

[alovesreading]

helloooooo! it’s been a while, and so much has happened irl so i figured i’d share a little life update for anyone who even wants a rant from me lolll

okay so a bit of a backstory for context: i moved to the states back in 2020, about a week before covid got serious and the whole world went into lockdown, and ever since then it’s just been so tough to exist.

being an immigrant is hard just by carrying the name of it, and then just having to deal with the incredible load of working through loads and loads of paperwork, gathering all sorts of documents, spending thousands and thousands of dollars, making sure to fill every blank line with the proper information as to not fuck up such a big process, it’s all just so damn much.

and then comes the wait. i have been waiting for four years for absolutely anything to come out of the process i started back in 2020, every month losing more and more hope. and then the government makes a mistake and you get denied, and then you have to spend another couple thousands to make sure THEY correct their mistake. and after that, guess what? more fucking waiting!

my mental health has been an issue for me since i was a child and it’s not a surprise that coming from a latino household and a third world country, i just had never gotten help because my struggles were waved off as me being spoiled or ungrateful, etc.

so it’s really no surprise that this whole immigration process has been chipping away at my mental health more and more with the pass of time. at first, it was easy to understand the delay since lockdown had pushed so many things back, but then it just got ridiculous. and then just adding coming to terms about my sexuality after years and years of forcing myself to turn a blind eye to it, and feeling lonely cos i had no friends and everyone i was used to seeing every day of my life was back in my home country. it’s been so much.

it’s not an exaggeration to say i have checked the status of my immigration process every day for the past 4 years, and even though there was never good news, i still checked - holding out hope on the daily that a miracle would happen and all those months i’d waited would finally end up in what i wanted, what i needed really.

cos for four years i haven’t been able to study, or work, or get a licence. i’ve had to stay home, trying to pick up hobbies to not drive myself mad while my whole family could go on with their lives, having to take on the responsibility of doing everything around the house cos everyone else would he out and it would just be lazy of me to not take the burden of it all whilst everyone else is studying or working.

so i have watched my life waste away in front of my eyes year after year, seeing my friends back home doing everything i couldn’t do, wishing i could travel places or even just visit my home country but not being able to leave the country at all, trying to find little things i could do to even get twenty dollars on my own so i didn’t have to ask my family for anything.

basically, for the past four years i’d had to watch my life from the sidelines, see everything from a third point perspective, feel as if i was being puppeteered by my awful luck.

september 2023 was the month when everything started crumbling down for my family, and as the eldest, it all fell onto me. having to parent my parents and try to solve all their problems shoved me further into a black hole and just, week after week, it would all get worse.

i remember at the end of november i said it just couldn’t get fucking worse - my dumbass jinxed it clearly cos suddenly the deal my dad had made back in my home country so that i could try to go to uni went through but my shit family back home took the money and so my dad came back empty handed, and my grandma was taken to the hospital only to come out of it in a casket four days before christmas.

i was so fucking angry at life. i’ve had suicidal thoughts since i was child too and well, they hit me quite hard back in december. i was angry at my dad for not fighting to take the money, for not realising he had given me a sliver of hope (move to another state which accepted undocumented immigrants in universities) and just didn’t fight enough for me to continue to hold onto it. i was angry at god for yet again taking another woman that raised me in the most cruel way and not even giving me a chance to fucking say goodbye (again).

and so when i went on holiday at the end of the year, my only goal was to distract myself even for a few days from that void in my chest and all the racing thoughts in my mind, and how much i struggled to simply exist.

it was a nice few days, i had fun with my family and i certainly did manage to distract myself. but then we came back home and i felt so claustrophobic again to be stuck in these same four walls and the cloud of grief over me that hadn’t seemed so heavy whilst i was away, coming down on me on a fucking downpour that made my chest ache.

i was debating going back to therapy but i couldn’t afford it so i turned the idea down as soon as it came to me.

and then suddenly, one afternoon after i had finally finished cooking for everyone and sat down to finally eat, i get a cryptic email from my lawyer telling me to give her a call.

i’m not even joking when i said i pushed my plate of food away and sighed heavily cos all i could think right then is of the worst outcome and i got nauseous thinking about how it would most certainly be that my residency had been denied again cos of uscis being entirely incompetent again.

well, when i called my lawyer and i heard the smile on her face through her voice as she greeted me, i pinched myself to make sure i wasn’t dreaming even before i heard her say, “congratulations, you got your work permit.”

i hadn’t realised the grief of my grandma’s death had been joined by the grief of my own life until i felt the relief flooding me at that very moment.

it’s honestly insane how one simple number or card can open so many doors for you. in a matter of a few weeks i had a valid ID, i went to college and enrolled in classes, got a licence, went looking for a car and actually getting one soon, and applied to a bunch of jobs (got just one interview but let’s manifest i get the job).

so needless to say january has been insane for me. my life has been flipped over and i’m trying to figure everything out slowly.

i do have to say, in the midst of all those years of waiting, reading and writing have been the things to get me through and though i have been making up for the lack of writing lately with getting lost again on books. im really glad im finding myself back to writing. slowly, of course, cos i actually never considered myself that good and after this long without doing it i reckon i really need to make the effort to be decent again, im glad im back reading my silly little notes on my silly little (not little at all) docs and trying to get back into the groove of it all.

if you made it all the way here, i fucking love you and i’m sorry for such a long unnecessary rant and trauma dumping (?) but i figured this helps understand a bit more of me and since you lot have been part of such a sweet escape for me, i wanted to share a little of my life with you.

anyway, i’m honestly so glad to be back. i hope i can adjust and get everything sorted so so soon so i don’t have to go away as much as i have lately. and i also hope i can get back to writing, at least decently, so i can share all the silly stories that flood my brain and that i love sharing with you lot.

okay i’ll shut up now but i love yous and i’m sending you so many hugs and kisses your way xxxx

[disdaidal]

I don't think I've ever put this much effort into composing a more 'professional-looking' CV, but here we are.

I'm so glad I got help with this though. I've got my own 'social worker'/personal trainer now. He helped me narrow down some choices today, and what to put in my application/resume, and I'm feeling so much better already.

I'm a typical Finn: I don't know how to fucking compliment myself or 'sell' my talents, so it gave me a lot of stress.

In fact, I was stressing about this meeting all weekend. I had heartburn for two nights, a splitting headache yesterday, and an upset stomach this morning. I kept worrying about how to support myself the next month, too. But I got some advice and tips and consolation today, so when I got back home, I instantly got to work and started filling out some applications etc. etc., so I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders (for a while now, at least).

This shouldn't stress me too much, though. We're primarily searching me a place to train (ofc actual employment would be grand) and the focus is on my health (both mental and physical). If one place doesn't work out, I can try another place. I have my own assistant, a nurse, a physiotherapist, a doctor and so on, so I should expect to work with professionals here.

I've been depressed as fuck since the beginning of this year after my last school/training went down the drain. I have attention deficit issues, mood swings, memory problems, problems with arranging and envisioning stuff and so on. I'm prone to stress and I have experienced a burn-out more than once.

I also have hypermobility in my joints and again had serious back/hip pains last week which prevented me from doing many things actually, including going to that group therapy course thing. So, you might guess why this isn't exactly ideal in the current work environment and culture, and why I've had problems employing myself successfully, or for longer periods.

I also temporarily moved to another apartment 14km away from my home because the bathroom renovations started in my apartment last week. The moving was undeniably stressful (one of my stepbros helped me, though <3), but living here for a little over a week now hasn't been so bad. My neighbors aren't noisy, and I got a great view of a small lake from where I sit now, so things could be worse.

The only not-so-great-thing is that I'm going to have to go downstairs and share a shower with one of my neighbors who so happens to be a man, but thankfully I haven't even met him yet, so let's hope nothing awkward will happen there (lol).

But my landlord texted me today to ask me 'how are you doing, is everything alright there in your temporary apartment, and oh they said they should be done with renovations about halfway through next month, no water damage fortunately'

So yeah, that's pretty good news, too.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

TW: Abusive friendships, mental health, emergency services, divorce, crime, substances

Toxic bjd friend anon update.

About 24 hours after my confession, I got fed up and picked a fight. She took the carefully crafted bait and ended up disowning me. Which was great, because idk what I would have done if she hadn't. I'm free! She still thinks it's her idea that she's out of my life, so she's left me alone. Turns out I have screenshots of her admitting to a felony. And a misdemeanor. Sadly the really good felony confession was an in person only event and the government already decided not to deal with that circus. (Felony under civilian law where we live, but military caught her. Victim didn't press charges and she claimed someone else did it.) If she tries to blackmail me, I can complicate things for her both crimally and civily. A few screenshots to the exhusband in progress (who's a disgrace of a human being, but legally the victim this time and trying to divorce her) and a report to a certain state agency, and her career is over. I didn't believe it then due to circumstances, but it lines up too well now. IDK if it's totally true, but the idiot did put in writing herself. If needed, I get along great with my local PD, in particular an officer who's dealt with similar idiocy before. My only regret is not lobbing a few insults back before we blocked each other. Sadly all the good responses occured to me the next morning and it helped the illusion. I did leave her a note thanking her for the trauma when I dropped off some stuff she'd left with me and kept a photo of it in case she tried anything. She's out of town so there's an enforced chill out period before we have to be near each other again. She's blocked so no more suicide attempts for dramatics. We called 911 on her the last time and even the cops didn't believe her- cancelled the ambulance and no involuntary holds, or even a warning for the self confessed drug DUI. Points for not traumating her farther, I guess? As long as I stay unreachable, it's not going to happen due to me or not my problem anymore. She has other friends now to traumatize. Notably, the only ones left are enablers/in love with her and us disowned folks stood up to her. 

I've got the energy to play with my dolls again and I'm making up for lost time. A doll clothing preorder happened to arrive a few days after this all went down, so there's been a lot of dressup. I'm customizing a playline doll into a character I've dreamed of for ages. Another bjd is finally getting some photography practice and I'm figuring out what I'm planning for the design of another. I'm starting to be able to focus long enough to do longer projects again, so hopefully I can get some clothes done. There's a backlog of things I really want to do but just couldn't. Not laziness- I would forget mid-stitch what I was doing or lose track of goals the second I tried to cut my fabric, even with a reference. Literally couldn't picture the next step or remember how to get there. I finally got my disaster of a bedroom cleaned for the first time in months, so the dolls have a nice place to be displayed. Physical health issues that defied blood test results resolved literally overnight after this, so I'm finally capable of doing more than survival/school/work now. Mental issues are uphill slowly, but in progress. I'm easing back into things with smaller projects, but hopefully I'll be able to do some bigger stuff soon too! Taking it slow though. I don't need burnout. I just need to get my life together and heal. 

I thought doing the hobby on my own would be lonely, but turns out it's just peaceful. I'm still trying to process the last three years, but I think things are going to be okay. The last week and few days has been the happiest, most peaceful week of my life since I was a child.  Ironically, due to the bait argument and what it would reveal, she can't even trash talk me too specifically without looking terrible.  I'm still being careful, but I think we're a lot more evenly matched than she had me believing. I'd love to make some less insane friends but I think I need some time to learn to be a healthy person. I don't want to accidentally continue this cycle. For now, I'm looking forward to a LOT of doll play time, catching up on sleep next to my kitty, and trying to build a future.

~Anonymous

Mod: Glad to hear such a happy update Anon! 💜

[vtforpedro]

life update - long

It took me a hot minute to find the last update. December, I guess? I'm so tired I never stop being tired and time is not real anymore. Anyway. Disability Stuff: I won my case in federal court in February. They said it'd take a year so I was a little hm. Found out the SSA voluntarily asked the judge for the remand because the written decision was indefensible and they were gonna take another look. Pros: Hey, I won! I get a second hearing! Cons: I didn't get a brief written by the federal law firm because there was no time. This is actually a tactic used by the SSA. I have no doubt they're fine tuning another denial. I also have to wait for the lower level court to figure out what was so bad about it (that they'd already ruled was perfect) to give to the judge I will have another hearing with. The same judge. Who said I was a liar multiple times and omitted eight months of medical evidence and said mental health issues are subjective hahaha. I hate this country. Health: Boy howdy it's been better and worse. I had the tilt table test in late December, went... ok enough, but my neuro didn't like how ambiguous the report was and sent me back to them to speak to an autonomic disorder specialist. Scheduled in Jan, just had my appt with her this month lol she is busy. She ordered: genetics test, labs, and skin biopsy. I've done the first two, third is scheduled in July and I'm gonna be a mess because needles u_u Brain stuff is much of the same. Episodic. Manageable times are a godsend, bad times are really bad. My heart started to do some funky ass shit a few months ago. My mom kept writing it off as anxiety no matter how much I explained that it felt like my heart was pounding after exercise. My BP and pulse shot up high for a while and b/c my pulse never came back down and it was interfering with, you know, living, my PCP sent me to cardiology. :') Cause I wanted my heart involved in this mess One 24hr holter monitor, echo, and heart ultrasound later, and I have a new heart condition. He said 'your heart is beating so fast you would normally see it with exercise' bada boom baby and has nothing to do with fucking ANXIETY >:[ I'm on heart medication. 10 meds. I need to start another med for my psych but that's 11 and I'm honestly getting upset because it's so fucking much medication in one day but every single one of them is necessary so what can really I do? Personal: Relationship with my mom is at an all time low. This is extremely unfortunate because a few weeks ago, my mom told me she is basically being 'laid off' (she's not losing her job for a while, just retiring earlier than expected) and I have to leave my home of 10 years by mid-August. Got no sympathy from her about it *finger guns* I've gone through the devastation of that and am kind of just stuck in how is any of that gonna work. My brother and I can't live together, so he's gonna move into a family friend's rental. Except he has no job and hasn't been able to get one in months. He started one on Monday, is gonna leave by Friday because it's horrific ig. Anyway my mom promises he won't be there. We have to move based on my disabilities and my mom's house is gonna have to reflect what we have here. I'll see it when I believe it. I don't trust her anymore. Extra unfortunate that I'm gonna be living 24/7 with my mother who has been an abusive person in my life the past two years. The short break thru the day that my apartment is just mine, quiet and gentle, is gonna be gone. I'll be introducing my solitary 11 year old cat Lilly into a house with 3 other cats. She only knew Isis her entire life. She was just diagnosed with neuro issues this year after going through an MRI. We don't know if she has seizure activity or if it's movement disorder, but the med she's on treats both and she has gotten better. Same process Isis went through. Cannot believe I have two cats with neuro issues and likely the same one. May 18th was one year since Isis passed. Rough, tiring day.

I don't know how it has been that long. Feels like it just happened. I can still see her and feel her through my apartment and losing it in August will probably shatter me most because of losing the last place she existed in. I miss her more than I can say.

She was my little soulmate and her absence is felt in every corner here. Writing/Fandom:

I went through a whole fucking situation over in the Stranger Things fandom that has left me not wanting to post anymore. Idk if neuro shit has destroyed my ability to write but it's humiliating and painful every time I post a fic.

I posted stucky (1 out of 2 fics this year) on my main acct and lost 8 fuckin user subs? Like goddamn. What'd stucky do 😭 anyway it was even more devastating and kinda like 'here's your big ass sign to keep your writing to yourself.'

Between the god awful shit that happened in the ST fandom and my inability to put together even a good one shot, I'm feeling really down about one of two creative things I can do in my life. I used to love sharing my stuff. I want to write and share but it feels like it's harming my MH. I can't draw or paint right now, either. And I can barely move around my apartment without pain. I can't even leave it except for doctor appointments.

Idk. Very walls are closing in type of feeling and I hate it. In short: I'm tired, struggling, and too many things are happening at once. I love you all 😩💜 thank you for your patience and love and kind words. Your support is felt through one update to the next. I hope you're all well and I'm sending all my love and hugs to you.