#but i think if i go that way itll be a big challenge so idk

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[stsapphos]

this anthropology assignment is gonna kill me dead just from the stress

[eusion]

i love ur work omg >< can i req maknae line as long distance bfs too? ^^

⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪&team maknae line as ur long distance bf ⌒☆

pairing ⌒☆ &team maknae line x reader

word count ⌒☆ idk...

note ⌒☆ thank u for requesting! this was hard to think about since i just think about hyung line exclusively LMAO enjoy!

yuma ⌒☆

sends u lots of memes and silly videos on tiktok. u both have the same humor so hes always excited to share new ones with u

always invites u to play games with him whether itd b just u two or with his friends, he never fails to invite u

same with movie nights

always wears the beanie u sent him & complains that its starting to smell less and less like u

sends u so many selfies in .5 after u introduced it to him this one day. now that he knows u find them hilarious he will send them as often as he can

i dont see him fting much tbh but will always text and check in frequently with a "u doing okay?" message

likes to plan out dates with u, even if its just for fun & not to actually plan. he just likes to be with u even if its just in his mind

as a date u two make little crafts together over ft

"do i grow out my hair or cut it" and does the opposite of what u tell him

jo ⌒☆

takes pictures of the little things because he knows how much u love to see picture updates

learned how to make those big knit blankets so he can make his own to give to u

sends u handwritten letters very often along with printed polaroids of the pictures u two have together

u have several of his art pieces framed on ur wall

when u both debrief about ur days he always asks a lot of questions so he can hear u go into extreme detail

props up his phone on his nightstand when going to sleep so u can see him snooze. he wakes up earlier than u do so he wont end the call until u wake up

asks u what ur plans are for the day n sometimes he will try n match what ur doing

when u two plan a day to meet up, he crosses out the days in his calendar above his desk every morning until the day of

ur name in his phone is just ur name but it has this emote next to it ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

harua ⌒☆

lots of ft calls with him sitting in his car while snacking

loves to see what u bought from the store n always begs for a haul with u going over every item in detail

matching phone cases that u both bought together, he has not changed it out or taken it off since

hes very playful so theres a lot of banter between u two but itll always end in laughs. hes more than comfortable enough to play around with u & this means a lot

flirting but in a cringe way. the amount of winks & kisses through the camera never fails to make u both shiver

"why arent u here..." in a sassy tone but hes :(((

study calls are a very common thing between the two of u & hes always willing to help u out even if he doesnt know it 100%

always has the sweetest compliments ready for u & will always be the first 10 comments on ur instagram post

while hes out shopping he sends u pics of things n asks "do u like this?" n will buy it 99% of the time if u do

taki ⌒☆

u both binge watch a lot of shows & will get really upset when he finds that u watched an ep without him on ur shared netflix account

his friends always send u off guard pictures of him n when u show him hes extremely confused

always yells a good morning message into ur voice memos. sometimes he'll sing it

fts u with all of the lights off n when u ask him to turn on the lights so u can see him he uses a handheld flashlight n points it under his face

has blocked u more times than u both can count because he thinks its really funny

"when we meet up next time lets do this tiktok challenge"

his every day bag is equipped with all of the pins, chains n small plushies u gifted him

when ur too tired to talk he reassures u that its okay n that he can talk for u so u just sit n listen with ur eyes closed

sends u random videos throughout the day of him dancing

maki ⌒☆

always brings u along to watch his night routine, will prop u up on the sink so u can watch him brush his teeth n wash his face

matching profile pictures on almost everything. whenevr he posts and his icon pops up he smiles so wide because he knows ur the other half of it

records & sends u mini vlogs if he goes out and does something fun n will always end the video with him saying "miss u!"

whenever u two are on ft and his family is in the same room, he always turns his phone around to face them n says "say hi!"

everyone in makis circle knows u very well because he cannot stop talking about u

plays roblox with u when u both have free time... ur avatars are extremely goofy

has fallen asleep on cam many times & u have multiple screenshots n video recordings of him snoozing

99% of his bereals are of him n u while ur on cam

study nights always turn into 5hrs of u two watching random videos on youtube

[michibikionmain]

This isn’t THE tommyinnit villain essay but it sure is one of them

Ok ok so 4 those of u who aren't on discord with me: i have two main essays that have been in the works for MONTHS, these being my Complete Dream character analysis essay going in-depth for nearly all of his canon interactions and finding his character traits and motivations through the story, and my Tommyinnit (and Wilbur Soot) were Always The Villains on the server essay talking about how the only reason so many people view them as the good guys or heroes is because we see the story from their perspective mainly. This essay? Is not either of those. BUT, it does go through a lot of my thoughts on Tommy and Dream’s characters so I figured I’d post it. maybe itll help me organize my thoughts 4 my Mega Projects lol

@ranboocore bc u helped me pop off on this so hard LMAO

Warning, it’s VERY Tommy Critical, what a suprise. I do not like Tommy as a character lol. idk what triggers yall might need me to tag but if u need one in particular pls lmn!

My biggest issue with tommy's character is that he SAYS hes learned but he never does he is exactly the same person he was at the start of the server just More Sad and with Trauma, when out of all the characters he's had the most push to change. c!Tommy is a very tell-don't-show character which can make it hard for some people to connect to him, especially those who don’t directly share his trauma or see themselves in his character. Of course, there is still a MASSIVE amount of people who relate to his struggles and thus love him regardless of his writing, but those who can't relate to him will always feel some kind of barrier until the things they've talked about are actually shown to the viewer instead of being spoon-fed to them.

It is a very beginner writing thing, and I'm hoping that Tommy is figuring out how to fix this, maybe with support from the many other writers on the server. There's the 3 you mentioned, plus fundy, niki, and maybe tubbo who also play dnd, plus Dream who said he would've been an English major and does a lot of personal writing for fun.  I think the biggest issue in the writing lies in the individual ccs being inexperienced in the medium, particularly with planning out their own character growth. 

Another glaring issue I have with c!Tommy is how he's framed to be sympathetic and he goes through all these horrible things without acknowledging his role in any of them. The things that have happened to him are a direct result of his actions, but the thing is HE won't acknowledge and so it falls flat. This isn’t to say that being abused is his fault, because it’s NEVER the vicitm’s fault, but being exiled? His multiple fights with c!Dream? His friendships falling apart? Losing the disks in the first place? They’re the direct consequences of HIS OWN actions, but he never acknowledges this and constantly just... brushes off any accountability by either saying that it’s Dream fault or simply SAYING he feels bad without properly showing it through redemption and GROWTH.

Denial is useful in storytelling sometimes, but Tommy's character has been in denial since the very beginning of the server and at this point it's just exhausting. He only ever switches between denial and depression, not really going through all 5 stages of grief properly. His violent/upset reactions would be more powerful if they were any different from how tommy usually acts, but this is always how he is. When he “lashes out” because he’s reached the end of his patience, it doesn’t SEEM like the snap it is because that’s just... it’s seriously just his standard reaction to everything. It hold no WEIGHT to see c!Tommy yell at someone violently or threaten to fight them because he does that anyways!

Static characters can be a good thing, and can be interesting if done correctly, but not every character SHOULD or CAN be static in a story.

Static characters need to have their position or behavior challenged and question, where they look into if the way they see and interact with the world is really the 'correct' one or just evaluated to see if they truly believe in them. This questioning period is CRUCIAL! and NEEDS to be well done in a way that ACTIVELY SHOWS the conflict between the two ideals. If they decide to hold onto their beliefs/continue their behavior then, it feels deserved, because rather than just being a flat "they do thing its who they are" they have defined WHY. WHY is a very important question to think of when telling the difference between dynamic and static characters. The why of a character is ESSENTIAL to developing them as a relatable, sympathetic person rather than a flat story telling device. It makes them a human rather than a puppet. When a character's motives aren't well defined or discussed, they're doomed to fall flat in everything else, because the WHY is the foundation of what makes them who they are.

c!Tommy has an underdeveloped "why", his motivations are weak, rarely properly discussed and when they are it doesn't particularly stick with him. His motivations change without showing us the internal struggle that should come from literally shifting your driving principles. There are some good MOMENTS of him reevaluating the importance of certain things, but they're so spread out and contradictory and immediately spat one that they're hard to piece together. He TELLS us what his motivations are as well, which is another big flaw when it comes to all that but we don't have time to unpack all THAT Anyways, the key to static story telling is reaffirmation. The character goes through a complete journey and ends with the same beliefs because they've looked into why they have them and determined that they still matter to them. A great example of static writing in my eyes is c!Techno, who since the beginning has believed that governments are bad. c!Techno enters the server to destroy a government, and still ends up doing that because he sees and we see him experience that the reasons he didn't like government before still hold true and he has no reason to support them any more than before, and so his anarchist beliefs are REAFFIRMED, proving to him that they way he handles things is the right one for him.

c!Tommy’s attachments are all just... they're all so weird.  like he LITERALLY SACRIFICES HIS LIFE MULTIPLE TIMES for L'manburg. By action of sacrifice it seems like it should be the most important thing to him, but then he throws it away for some disks that mattered less to him just a minute ago.  But then it's all about how c!Tubbo is worth more than Anything and maybe he's found something more important! but then he shoves THAT out the window for the discs again ig!!! but then it's about l’manburg again? Make it make sense.... pls....

Here's smth that really irks me about Tommy's character, and is kind of weird but give me a second to explain: Tommy has never actually permanently lost much of anything on the server. Every punishment he's ever received he's tried to find some way around. And like... I'm not expecting him to be HAPPY to face the consequences of his actions but seeing him constantly have his cake and eat it too is very irritating, especially when there are characters who DO have to deal with actual permanent sacrifices. The whole thing with the disks. where he WILLINGLY OFFERED THEM UP AND GAVE THEM AWAY THEN SPENT FOREVER TRYING TO STEAL THEM BACK WHILE CLAIMING DREAM STOLE THEM FROM HIM, is the biggest example of this, but it's generally his characters way of dealing with things. He's very backhanded and conniving, constantly calling himself "big man" except for when he wants things from people and he plays up the "iM a MiNoR" card to try and get them to give him things or feel bad. He's not just some sweet innocent kid like people paint him, he knows damn well he's messed up and while he SAYS he feels bad about it, he has never once really shown, with his ACTIONS, regret for what he's done except for the stuff with c!Sapnap, which could it could be argued he did because he thought it would help get c!Sapnap on his side to fight Dream and he knew c!Sapnap was a skilled warrior and could possibly be persuaded to fight with dream.

c!Tommy is in NO way some sweet innocent child, he knows what he's doing. He KNEW l'manburg was a drug empire, and wanted to turn his hotel into the same He was FULLY prepared to just murder c!Schlatt for legally winning an election that he KNEW was rigged AND INTENDED TO HELP RIG HE LITERALLY TEAMED UP WITH c!TECHNOBLADE KNOWING THAT HE INTENDED TO BLOW UP L'MANBURG AND ONLY LEFT WHEN HE REALIZED IT WASN'T GOING TO ACTUALLY HELP HIM--

The line of c!Wilbur saying "Tommy, are we the bad guys?" wasn't him mentally going batshit it was him realizing that the entire time they've been doing terrible things. c!Wilbur was literally ALWAYS Vilbur but the time people CALL Vilbur is when c!Will himself realized he was a villain.

[daddy-daichis]

Yesterday the very beautiful and talented @fuwari-s tagged me in this game and since that post is already really long i figured id make a new one lol  (Also thank you for tagging me, it made me so happy)

The Game: Tag your 2D lovers + the other trend I saw yesterday and wanted to do which is Would you actually date them IRL. So ill put that under the cut because it is a lot.

HQ: Atsumu, Daichi, Issei, Bokuto, Hinata, and Kyoutani

BNHA: Bakugou, Denki, and Hawks

JJK: Sukuna and Mei Mei

Others: Kagami from KNB, Levi and Jean from AOT, and Mikoto Suoh from K

So if you want to know if i would date them irl that is below the cut lol

As for tagging... if you want to do it :) @eijirosriot @bokutosnumberonefan @hinosreis @tetsus-kitten @sugawarakoushihoe @mynameisjackattack and anyone else who wants to do one or both of these challenges.

Alright so would i date these men (+ mei mei) in real life. Short answer is yes lmao. Long answer, with some headcanons that may or may not  venture into 18+ category but only slightly. all aged up to be my age which is 26.

Atsumu - PLEASE, YES

we would be so chaotic together but he would also be really loving. As long as he can still prioritize me in a relationship, not over volleyball, just as much, then we will be golden. We would have such a good time and i feel like we would have a lot of fun bickering, which i really enjoy. Play fighting as a form of foreplay, if you will lmao. We’d probs be friends in HS and then get together after he starts playing for MSBY and he is secured in his position (and himself tbh). I just love this cocky bastard. he also gives me switch vibes and as a switch, i love that for me.

Daichi - YES

All i need is to be wrapped in his arms on the daily and i would be happy. Man would know how to take care of me and that is all. Love of my life, too good for this world. Wholesome husband. He would be able to manage my crazy side and chill me out when i get to anxious. I would want to be bratty just to get him to drop his good guy routine sometimes and I feel like he would like that.

Issei - YES

Funeral home employee can get it. Matsukawa Horse cock Issei can whisk me off my feet and straight into bed. we would have a lot of fun picking on oikawa together (out of love of course) but we would balance each other out a lot. His darker humor would go well against my lighter humor. Also I feel like our level of hotness is pretty comparable... like we aren't the prettiest in the friend group but still good (if that makes sense)

Bokuto - YES

Big ball of sunshine to light up my day, he would literally fuck the sad out of me every day I just know it. Like atsumu, as long as I am a priority to him itll work out. We also kind of have the same sad moods so I feel like we could either both just curl up on the couch together and watch a movie or bring the other out of a funk easily. I love this giant himbo so much.

Hinata - most likely yes

Pretty much the same reasons as bokuto but I feel like I would get drained of his energy faster, so he would def have to cuddle me more. For everyone else so far I can imagine being high school sweethearts, but with hinata i think he wouldnt settle down until later, or even start dating so it would probably be a lot of pining and watching him from the side lines for a while, which would be really hard tbh. but the way he would smile at me after a match would make it worth it so...

 Kyoutani - Hard YES

I love a boy with anger issues, what can i say... (cough couch my irl husband with anger issues couch couch) I would love to be his weak spot and the one person he would go to to help him not feel angry anymore. I think that my fun personality would help him to unbox himself a bit. I just want to give him cuddles and a place to feel accepted. id also i KNOW hes a monster in bed... 

Bakugou - FUCKING HARD YES, PLEASE

if he was real the things i would do to and for him... A lot like kyoutani i would want to give him a place where hes accepted, and a place where he is unconditionally loved. I would be able to handle his misguided anger and calm him down and give him space. I headcanon that hes very cuddly in private to just his S/O which is something that i love. I love his lil smirk and would do anything to get him to smirk at me. As long as he is able to set me as a priority it would work out, but that would be what he struggles with so it would be a thing we would have to talk about. But I also feel that once you say something about it he would check in with you because of course he has to be the best bf/husband. I feel like I could talk for hours about him so Ill just wrap it up by saying that I love me a passionate man who would probs be a lil possessive, and I would use that to my advantage. 

Denki - GOD YES

I really do think that denki and I are soulmates. we are both the perfect blend of funny, pervy, while still being soft. I feel like there would be a lot of mutual pining at first but he would end up the golden retriever gamer boy to my alt bisexual and thats just the perfect pairing. We would pull so much shit and then get away with it because thats just us being us. I see us being scolded by bakugou a lot for the stupid shit we would pull. Also late night drives in his shitty tuned car to taco bell while we sing alt rock songs from the 2010s. also the switch vibes are immaculate.

 Hawks - Probably

So it would honestly depend a lot on what version of hawks.. him in the hero commission is a no, because he wouldnt be able to be honest with me about a lot of stuff. Like his name, or when i can see him again, and that would give me too much anxiety. When hes free of them and is actually allowed to be himself I think it could work then. I know that he of course wants to still be the best hero, so he would have the same problems as bakugou with finding a balance, but if he wants to i think he could. He would also have a lot of trauma from his relationship with his parents and the commission so I dont know if he would be able to give his love away as freely as he wants so we could get therapy together. I love that for us. But i would happily wake up next to this beautiful birb man if he would have me.  

Sukuna - A hesitant yes

so.. the anger issues that ive mentioned before.. yes. I would like sukuna. I would be his lil bride and sit on his lap on his throne as long as he didnt kill my loved ones or my cats lmao. I would also be ok with being his and itadoris gf while hes living in itadoris head. being with him is just asking for an unhappy ending tho, whether its a life always on the run, or someones trying to kill me, or someones trying to kill him, or hes trying to kill someone. But yes i would like to be with him but that would mean sacrificing a lot. 

Mei Mei - god yessssss..

Please Mei Mei step on me and make me ur lil house wife. I see us living in a pent house apartment with the most breathtaking view of the Tokyo skyline. I would want for nothing and she could take me where ever she wanted and i would just follow her around with heart eyes.

 Kagami - YES

my basketball husband! i love him and would love to be loved by him. Id follow him wherever. He would take care of me and is just so dreamy.. also i guess the mild anger issues.. but hes really not that bad. He would just be such a good s/o. He would cook us nice dinners, wed have a few cats, and he would carry me around a lot because hes so strong. While were on the topic of strong... his stamina... everyone on this list probably has good if not great stamina... but kagami just hits different..... have you seen him in the zone? have you seen his thighs? his sex zone has got to be incredible. 

 Levi - Yes

I was going to say it depends, but really it doesn't... if were in the aot universe and hes my captain and I fall in love with him u can bet ur ass im gonna try and get with him because i could die at anytime. if its some au where he is here in our universe and somehow we meet... like of course im gonna be in love with him. our height difference isnt too bad, im only like an inch or 2 taller than him. I think we would both have a great time together. I would make him laugh, and he would help me clean, because lord knows I hate cleaning. BUT i hate cleaning because its something that I always have to do alone, and I feel like levi would have us be cleaning together like he makes the scouts do. and hes just so sexy... 

Jean - big yes

This beautiful handsome man... idk what to even say about him. Hes strong, funny, handsome, cocky, but very much full of love. would love to run away from the world with him. I feel like if he was in love with me before *tries not to give away spoilers* the marco incident (?) that after he would become very clingy and attached and im ok with that. There would have to be lots of cuddles and reassurances and i just want to see him happy and not at war, with both real life people and himself... id give him the best kisses and he would become addicted to them. 

Mikoto - No? But maybe...

I feel like we could be.. but if you watched the show then you know.. But i would love to be Homra’s princess TBH. No one would mess with me or they would have to face the wrath of my big fire boyfriend and his whole ass gang. But on the other hand I feel like Mikoto wouldnt allow himself to fall in love, so it would probably be a hush hush topic. everyone knows the boss and I are in an entanglement, but they cant talk about it. Then Anna starts asking questions to Mikoto and he has to come clean to her, which would be so cute. He tells her is a secret but she doesn't care lmao. in conclusion, I would want to, but I dont think he would let me.... Maybe friends with benefits tho....

............................................................................................

ok if you read all this im officially in love with you. Please take my heart. 

This took me like 2 hours to do because I love thinking about it so much. if you have any thoughts about any of this hop into my dms or comment on this because id love to hear them (especially if you think i belong with one more than the others lmao). 

[batz]

youre just super cool and i. have post notifications on for you because you make me feel secure in an odd way and i wanna befriend u so bad but I'm!!!! nerbous,,,ALSO TELL US JR RAGGEY ANN MOVIE IDEA!!! 💞

OMG M SORRY FR TAKING SO LONG 2 RESPOND 2 THIS AAAA im just so rambley and whrn i ws asked abt the movie idea i essentially like..... froze up... my brain working 2 fast......... thinking abt Everything.......

ALSO omg u can come off anon whenever! i pride myself on bein chill (when it counts ofc..!) so dw fhskdhddjd i hope ur havin a good day..!

ALSO OK RAGGEDY ANN MOVIE IDEA again ill make a post about it soon but ill give some key points 2 it

- i want it to be 2D, but cgi/live-action works too. the medium doesnt exactly matter as long as it looks good. big thing is you never see the humans faces, the key focus is on the toys and should only Be on the toys. my voice hc for Ann would have 2 be Kate Micucci. but Andy is up in the air, rlly any weird white boy internet comedian works, like john mulaney or smthn? idk :/

- its a musical! obviously. u cant have a raggedy movie with some musical numbers. i would like it to be broadway-esque in genre but if they have 2 have a cash grab radiofriendly song in there thats cool too as long as its like... good

- main plot is a volland raggedy ann (one of the first made raggedys from 1918-late 1920s) is trying to find her brother after years of being separated. but due to being holed up in an attic for almost like. 90 years. she doesnt really remember much of him, other than the fact that they have matching tags indicating their previous owner. she sets out on a journey to find him, and its ur typical fish out of water/Im In The Future Woah kinda deal. when she does find andy, its in a toy museum, full of other raggedys..! andy is this rough n tough kinda guy, very rude and very brash. key point here is andy doesnt think ann is His Ann, kinda having this preconceived notion that His Ann would've been Cool and Adventurous. not the mousey kinda naive Ann he met, even tho This Ann is very certain that they were Real Sibs! (the brand does exist within the movies universe, so there are TONS of different anns and andys, thus the reason why andy is so skeptical). anyway shenanigans ensue, adventures are had, etc etc. the key point to this whole thing is that you never really get to know if they truly are sibs, at least, the sibs they knew Way Back When. but they grow closer n eventually see eachothr as sibs and thATS what MATTERS

- i want the moral of the story to be that, like, blood relation doesnt equate family. yea you never exactly Know if this ann and andy were 'actually' sibs but you know that by the end of the movie they are. its just a good moral thats not rlly explored in a lot childrens media.

- anns character is more similar to the 1977 animated movie, but with some. actual character. so, shes sweet n kind n affectionate, but also a little ditzy and naive. alongside that, shes rlly smart, handy and brave! shes forgetful, but adamant about the things she remembers. shes also fairly wise, in this childlike way. as her animator from the 1977 movie, shes like a wise little girl who is also 70 years old. shes like,,, v quirky fun lead, with some deep seated issues but also Gets Shit Done.

-andy is also similar to the 1977 movie, but again with like, some actual character added to him. hes a strong tough terrific boy, who's also audacious in nature? like hes just rude and obnoxious and a know-it-all. but, alongside that, he's insecure and anxious when met with Real Challenge. he often frets about remaining in Good Condition, mainly bc hes already had to get his leg reattached once, hes worth a LOT u know!!! but hes also sentimental, in a way that one would either not notice or not get to see. he takes his past very seriously, and even though he cant remember too much since, again, 100ish years is a long time, he finds himself drawn 2 what once was! so like, ur typical brave cocky lead, but also hes kind of just a big baby..!

- their personality differences definitely cause them to butt heads, and woild obv cause the keypoint in the movie where they go their separate ways. (NO it wont be the misunderstanding trope i hate those... itll probably just be an outright disagreement)

- i wont get into the actually Plot yet, bc i had too many ideas, but im certain itll lean toward either trying to find Ann's Andy, with Rude Andy™ being the sidekick. or something to do with the toy museum andy resides in.. hmmmm

- yea!!!! im being crimge but I DOMT CARE.... have a raggedy post!!!!

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 12 - “Take these results back I don't fucking want them” - Timmy

Timmy

So I wasted my idol, but I'm not as sad as I thought I would be about it. If Maynor had gotten more votes and I didn't use it then I would've been devastated, so this is a much better alternative. We're both still here and we accomplished our goal of completing another blindside. The difficult part is towards the end game of differentiating my moves from his. This game I have tried to be more social and I think I'm doing well with talking to people. The bond is weak but at least I'm still making an effort so it can't be said that I'm not. I knew Dylan was the biggest threat currently and I'm the one who found the idol and held onto it during many stress inducing tribal councils. At this point, I doubt I'm going to make FTC but I would really love to because I finally think I have played a game that deserves a win. I've made moves, caused fights, won fights, and blindsided people when they needed to be, yet was also an underdog for a few rounds. There is so much game left though because F6 is my downfall and it's going to be F6 for the next two rounds...so fuck my life. If I have to sacrifice my game for Maynor's though I will because seeing him sad breaks my heart so much more than losing this game will and I know how much he wants to win.

Maynor

I can’t believe that Dylan Raffy Ellie and Jack split 2-2 and had Joseph as their ‘fifth vote’. During the beginning of the day and afternoon i was defeated because felt like there wasnt a way for me and Timmy to stay. Then when Joseph and I started talking. We figured that they might be splitting their votes and wanting him on their side to be able to. So i blew up smoke to Raffy about how i was mad on how Joseph ghosted me and was rude. So he thought i was voting Joseph. But me timmy n i voted Dylan. I was so nervous that they were doing 3-1 and using Joseph to make it 3-2. But they screwed themselves again which was amazing and now its a 3-3 but feel like elli or raffy wouldnt want to go home by a rock. So crossing fingers f6 tribal goes our way.

Maynor

Im doing the 12 hr check in and honestly its kinda hard to remember when i cant have an alarm going for me while im at work. But will keep doing it until i it. Having the idol on our side would be great. Ive done the challenge but i need to like keep playing it cuz im not that good at it. My best score is 3,120 skdhshs thats not good i know that for sure. Need to keep trying on that one. I just hope me Timmy or joseph find the idol and keep trying at the challenge.

RaffyN

either Jack nor I got anything from the idol hunt which means that someone else has to have it. I must win this immunity or else I will literally being going next without having a chance of EoE. But I feel confident in this challenge because I am great at flash games. I'm aiming for 30k, but the goal is 50k. 

Raffy

I think Ellie and Jack are the most frustrating people that I've ever worked with in that they are always so paranoid and make these grandoise plans that never work out. I mean that's me. But I never knew how insufferable I was. The target is obviously me, yet that continuously drone on in their self-centered views of the game about how they are going to be targeted because they are the goats or whatever. At the end of the day, I just hope one of us wins immunity because that shit is needed right now.

Jack

So Raffy won immunity and Zoe's back and also has immunity. I'm 98% sure that the votes are coming for me this round, but maybe if we can get Zoe to vote with us? ugh idols also, I might play mine cause yeah.

Timmy

Take these results back I don't fucking want them. The fact that Raffy is immune was bad, but the fact that Zoe is back is so much worse. So I'm practically fucked now and I hate it. So much for having a 3-3 split. Honestly they should get rid of Joseph or Ellie since those two are goats and at least one of them will be at FTC so there are really only two seats left. If people wanted to be at FTC, they should get rid of them.

Jack

Okay so like Zoe immediately private messages when she gets back like "hey i wanna work with you, Ellie, and Raffy cause Maynor and Timmy were the ones that voted her out. I feel suddenly way more confident on this vote but also like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. what if they do play an idol and then they be voting for me since zoe and raffy have immunity and ahhhhhhh

Raffy

I am so glad that Zoe is back in this game with immunity. This is an automatic number for me which she proves because she is asking me to be a part of any alliance I am in and who to trust. She's basically eating out of the palm of my hand. She was immediately added to Path of Crack which is me, Jack, and Ellie. We currently have the numbers on our side right now, and it feels amazing to be a winner. 

Joseph sent a message in the tribe chat that was meant to be passed to Jay which was an idol question that was like how to "show" people the idol to gain trust, but that's not how this works honey. He wants us to believe that he has an idol so that we freak out. So, our plan is to make Joseph fully believe it is him while actually voting for Maynor or Timmy. Plus I like pulling him through the wringer. After all, he's the rattiest person in this game and it feels so good to fuck him over. 

JackO

kay so plans set up, and I’m actually p confident in it. So we’re going to go for Maynor, but act like it’s actually a go for Joseph. Also Joseph did a thing where he sent a message to tribe chat like “hey jay how do you show someone you have an idol??” And I’m like *squint* cause there’s no way that’s legit right? Like he does NOT have an idol and he did not just send that shit by accident. And if he did WELL then good thing we’re NOT voting for him and just telling him that so maybe he’ll play it randomly. 

Jack

Okay so plans set up, and I’m actually p confident in it. So we’re going to go for Maynor, but act like it’s actually a go for Joseph. Also Joseph did a thing where he sent a message to tribe chat like “hey jay how do you show someone you have an idol??” And I’m like *squint* cause there’s no way that’s legit right? Like he does NOT have an idol and he did not just send that shit by accident. And if he did WELL then good thing we’re NOT voting for him and just telling him that so maybe he’ll play it randomly. 

Ellie

ELLIE MIGHT BE DOING A BLINDSIDE??

Raffy

 feel like someone has the idol because I checked 2/3 of the remaining paths and there is nothing there in either of them. Of course it could always be in the third one, but I highly doubt someone hasn't reached the end of the one. So, I am just going to have to play around it which is scary. My alliance wants to vote out Maynor, and I do too, but I have a suspicion that, if they have it, they will use it on him. I'm not sure what I am going to do because of all of this, but at least I have individual immunity around my neck. I think we should subvert expectations and vote Timmy out just because we've been spreading Joseph's and Maynor's name only. Honestly, I'll leave the best plan to Zoe and the others because I do not want to ruin this chance. However, I do not want to be stuck in a 3-3 deadlock again.

Timmy

I really have no idea if this plan is going to work. I want Jack out so bad since I’m not working with him and he doesn’t talk to me. I’m just hoping Ellie is going to do what she tells me, but that’s a longshot.

Timmy

Maynor has an idol!!! I am so happy. The issue is, who knows who the other side is voting for, but I believe that he can make it to F5 now.

Maynor

I cant believe i found the idol. Sidhdhd like its crazy. Thinking of playing it tonight. I am. I will be upset if somehow Timmy goes. I will go all out to take them out. I hope jack goes so itll atleast be a tie next round. I just want to keep Timmy and Joseph in this game. So nervous. Tribal like in a minute. Ajdbhss

Jack

Imma play my idol if someone plays an idol on maynor, because i trust that zoe and raffy and ellie arent gonna back stab me, but jesus i hope...... also im sending this now cause idk if i actually said that in confessional tho

Joseph Collins

Lolol. This. Is. A. Confession. Words words words

Joseph Collins

I developed a ploy to cause some rifts between the alliance of dyaln jack raffy and Ellie. They have an obvious 4-3 advantage, but Timmy might’ve talked some sense into Ellie that would make her flip on them. And vote jack out. If we pull this off, I would be so impressed. If I go home, the trick I pulled was worth it. 

Zoe

I CAME BACK FROM THE EDGE!!!!!!

Immediately I messaged Raffy and Ellie who seemed super happy to see me, and I made Raffy make a group chat with me, him, Ellie, and Jack, and now we have a sick majority. I trust Ellie the most, and I honestly want to take her to the end with maybe. Maybe Jack too. Tonight we are hoping in a big way that Maynor is the one who goes home, though we told Joseph that it was him because he will likely use his idol and tell others that we told him it was him.

Jack

So APPARENTLY RAFFY BE PLAYING IT UP AND I HOPE THATS TRUE, but yeah he (hopefully) is hopefully just playing. but yeah so i still stand by my very definitely not wishy-washy decision of Ellie cause that gurl was like rando flipping when i'm legit thinking we a final 3. but wowowowowow idk ill make a better confessional tomorrow.

[survivetashirojima]

Episode #5: “There’s some galactic empire-esque death star alliance out there” -Stephen

Oh my god, it happened, I'm going to cry.

Well, we did it! First non-unanimous vote of the season and I was on the right side of the numbers! I know Pat did most of the work getting the votes, but I do think I helped get Kevin and Vi on board. Especially Vi, she really came through for us tonight. I try to check in with her every vote, let her know that I'm looking out for her so that hopefully she'll be a close ally down the line. But y'know, just because I voted with those 8 people doesn't mean I'm loyal to them. I love Pat and he's a great person to be aligned with, but I have my eye on him. He's a fantastic player, socially and strategically. I really can't let myself get attached to him in this game, last time I played with him I did and I cried when I had to vote him out. He and Joanna were both in that game, so I know they're extremely close. But I'm going to make it clear to some of the people I didn't vote with this round that I'm not gonna just, count them out as allies because of this one vote. Keeping my options open is key at this stage of the game.

Ok, so I don’t confess enough but here I am. My response to that last challenge results from before the tribal: bitches. But I survived anyways and I knew what would happen at tribal. I didn’t know who would leave but I knew it was going to be very split and you can’t be more split than that without it being a tie. I know that Joanna and Pat voted Dylan and they know i voted brien and nobody was mad about it or upset with the other because honestly neither was too critical to get rid of or keep so it was no need to try to convince someone to switch unless it tied. So I think I’ll be good with them still. I got no votes so really, it’s lit. But this challenge...not lit. That cats movie is fucking gross.

I won immunity! Surprised, but happy. After past round some messy gameplay mightve bit me in the ass, but now im free to continue being messy for another round. Idk who I want to go home this round. Id love to send home Vi, but i think itll probably be Brien, Jay, or maybe Timmy. Brien and Jay cause they are less active, Timmy because he can be a threat. However theres still this weird layer of quietness over the game, where no one is really playing balls to the wall. It might just because we still havent hit jury yet, but it still makes me worried it might be because theres some galactic empire-esque death star alliance out there calling all the shots and stringing me along. Who knows.

I literally have no fucking clue what is going to happen at tribal tonight.

Me: I'm gonna have to try super hard to keep Brien safe huh Everyone: actually.... Like why Madeleine? Not that I'm mad about it because she's gotta go sooner or later and it'll make tribals less confusing because they'll be saying my name and not hers....this game is so wild I just wanted to vote Jacob to be petty and move on but this way I can keep the people I trust safe and not ruffle feathers....yet

Winning immunity again....I’m the only one left who hasn’t lost yet teehee. I mean knock on wood. Also half the people don’t try sometimes. Anyway I literally just want the vote to be brien like can I not be on the wrong side of the numbers again? Pls and thnx. Like Madison and I working on a vote together? It might be 2 güd 2 b tru........ jk ... unless 😳

So originally I heard that people were thinking of voting Madeleine, and while she is a big threat it would be a damn shame to send her home just short of jury. That being said screw it send the butch packing (said with love). However, Jay has decided to actually have an opinion in the game (adorable) and doesnt want to vote maddie. So know we’re thinking Jacob, which is great because hes quiet so who cares, but also we’re not packing merge/jury full of quiet people who havent done anything. Hopefully this means merge is more spicy.

Stephen is literally one of the worst liars I’ve ever met like next time prepare a vote out a little earlier lol even if jacob goes I’ll know now that Stephen and a couple other snakes are just keeping brien to drag him along as another and it’s so transparent I’m shitting myself

I’m pretty sure a bunch of people are lying to me and Jacobs going but idgaf like I’m still voting briens ass

CASUALTIES:

CAST ASSESSMENT:

PART 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7cFd8rUhvc&list=PLB-4yJ0EHce-bxHQVmQVdrV6tx36_6Jly&index=12

PART 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHAr-zXKghY&list=PLB-4yJ0EHce-bxHQVmQVdrV6tx36_6Jly&index=13

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Happy New Year, shortcake! Ali: You still alive? Carly: Same to you, baby Carly: Have fun? Carly: im hanging on you kno Carly: got my guitar out & everything Ali: I don't even know how to put it into words Ali: Magical Ali: awh, you using your death rattle as percussion Ali: about that Carly: yea? Carly: i wish id been there Carly: i miss you Carly: & your magic Ali: baby 😔 you poor thing Ali: of all the times to get mono Ali: i'll bring you chicken soup when i've recovered enough to go in the kitchen without retching Carly: that good of a night tho Carly: love it Carly: i dont want you to get sick baby Ali: plague parcel Ali: keep your bodily fluids where I can see 'em 😉 Ali: it really was Ali: Cavante was there Carly: w his bf or latest gf? Ali: Neither! 😍 Ali: Well, Drew might've been about but busiest night of the year for him like so couldn't be up in our business Carly: didnt text me the prick Carly: i kno im sick but im still hot Carly: how much business did you get up to w your boy tho? Carly: you his now or Ali: how rude, coulda offered to medicate you Ali: make a killing, think on lad Ali: I dunno, I don't know what it was Ali: but I'll be sad and surprised if it was just last night, like Carly: & he kno he benefits whenever im this bored Carly: your loss lad Carly: baby dont be sad Carly: hes wanted you for ages theres no stopping him now Ali: He's a fool, straight up Ali: [Sends their tattoo pic] Ali: Gotta be some sort of promises, right? Carly: wtf Carly: thats a claim Carly: divorce is on the cards for us cos hes trying to marry you himself Ali: Never Ali: wifey 4 life Ali: not just 'cos we can't afford the fees Carly: but wheres my tat bitch? Carly: I been putting in the work Carly: hes done 1 night shift Ali: you want one? Ali: only gotta ask boo Carly: make him beg did you Carly: nah Carly: too little too late girl Ali: aw, don't be like that Ali: I didn't know you wanted to get inked Carly: im no type of way idk Carly: write him on you if you want its no big Ali: Yeah but its clearly more of a deal than I thought it'd be Ali: talk to me, I wanna know what you really think Carly: do you have my black shoes Carly: i gotta find them Ali: Carls Carly: what Carly: thats what im thinking Carly: im bored of being here Carly: i need to go out Ali: are you well enough, you were at death's door like, yesterday Carly: idc Carly: this is no fun Ali: no but neither will be collapsing as soon as you have one drink, like Carly: i wont ask you to pick me back up its alright Ali: Don't Ali: Lemme come over, we can have fun there Ali: you don't need to do this Carly: i need to get out of this fucking caravan Carly: so nah Ali: okay Ali: fresh air isn't the worst idea Ali: where you gonna go Carly: idk idc Carly: someone will be about Carly: in their garden throwing up or pissing out last night if nothing else Ali: Can I come? Carly: why Ali: well, 'cos I wanna see you Ali: also make sure you don't die in a ditch, like Carly: i kno my way around Carly: how far you think im gonna get like Ali: I know Ali: for my own sake then? lemme be selfish Carly: he not let you do what you wanted then? Carly: aw Carly: didnt think cavante would be like that Ali: I don't think you wanna know really Carly: i do kno Carly: magical yea Ali: You're mad? Carly: nah Ali: We're good? Carly: i said i wasn't mad not that idc Ali: What can I do to make it up to you? Ali: I didn't go out with that intention but I also didn't know that it would do this Carly: who goes out w intentions Carly: did you kno he was gonna be there? Ali: Nah Ali: I didn't know where I'd end up, even Carly: k Carly: least you hooked w someone who would treat you nice Ali: You know I like him Ali: but that doesn't negate how I feel about you Carly: k but you like him so much if he wanted to be w you id be gone Carly: loyal vibes we kno Ali: I don't know, that's the truth Ali: not gone, ever Ali: but it might be different, yeah Carly: youd friendzone me i kno Carly: ive done it Ali: is that such a bad thing Carly: theres no need for me to answer that Carly: the fact you asked it shows what you think Ali: i'm just saying, friendship is underrated Ali: and i'm not thinking or saying anything for definite Ali: idk, my head is fucked Carly: you arent until he does Carly: done that too like Ali: that ain't it Carly: im not stupid ali Ali: i know you ain't Ali: but we've already talked so i'm not waiting on no one but you Carly: cuz he said no Carly: is that how it is Ali: no Ali: he said to hit him up when i know what i'm doing Ali: do you actually think i would do that Ali: i'm just trying to work out what we're doing Carly: idk Carly: i just kno how much you like him Ali: yeah Ali: but i like you too Carly: & i like you too Carly: but he doesnt want me babe Ali: No Ali: jesus Carly: unfuck your head Carly: use the stash or anything else you need Ali: i know Ali: i know i need to Ali: i'm sorry, yeah? Ali: i'm gonna sort this Carly: dont be sorry Carly: or sad Ali: how can i not be Ali: i don't want to hurt you, ever Carly: its done babe Carly: forget it Ali: nah Ali: its fucked up Ali: i am Carly: nah youre not Carly: only if you didnt care Carly: but you do Carly: & youve been so good to me Carly: you are being now Ali: i'm not going to stop Ali: if you still want me to Ali: i love you no matter what, okay? Carly: i kno Carly: i love you too Ali: i'm gonna sort this, i swear Ali: can i drop off some chicken soup and stuff at least Ali: i won't come in if you don't want Carly: i want you to Carly: but i meant what i said i dont want you to get sick Ali: i'll be careful Ali: i wanna take care of you Carly: but i dont wanna be careful me or you Carly: i want you to kno how much i love you Carly: i dont like that he gets to be w you that way & i dont Ali: I know baby Ali: for the record, I don't care if I get sick but Ali: I don't want you to feel like you've got something to prove Carly: but i do Carly: you like us both Carly: i want you to want me more than him Ali: Babe, its not that simple Ali: Wish it was, like Carly: what can i do then Carly: tell me how to make it simple Ali: If I find out Ali: I'll let you know Ali: its me though Ali: no self-pity bullshit or cliche about it Ali: just facts Carly: do you love him Ali: I mean Ali: too soon to say, yeah? Carly: yeah or nah Carly: i kno you kno Ali: yeah Carly: k Ali: but i love you too Carly: i get bi means two Carly: but i dont think it works like that Ali: I know Carly: yea dont come over if itll fuck your head up more Ali: idc Ali: only if it'll fuck up yours Carly: i do Carly: i care about you Ali: you're gonna make me cry Carly: sorry Carly: we should get out of our heads Carly: not gonna unfuck them like Carly: but will help Ali: 'til we have to deal with it in the morning Ali: january 1st, yeah, good a day as any to attempt to sort our shit Carly: yea Ali: That said Ali: wish you were better so we could get outta here Carly: me too Carly: where do you wanna go? Carly: i can make it im strong Ali: let me spirit you away for some sea air Ali: that's how they kicked it if you were dying back in the day Carly: we could get your ex to drive us Carly: 3s a party Carly: dont mind making her sick since she aint about me Ali: 🙄 sure, lets rent a mini-bus and make it a reunion of all the former flames Ali: I've got money for the actual Ali: wanna go down Malahide? Carly: serious? Ali: why not Ali: i don't reckon you'll actually drop down, like Ali: and gotta keep making good on my promise to take you away from here Ali: even if its only half an hour down the road Carly: lets go Carly: ill leave my ma a note not that shes bothered where i go any other time Ali: buy her a stick of rock Ali: if she's really arsey she knows where to stick it Carly: ha Carly: idc what she thinks Carly: ill be sick wherever i am Ali: May as well have a view that ain't the inside of your room Carly: & have fun w my baby while i still can Ali: no while about it Ali: we're always gonna have fun Carly: but hes gonna move into my time & fun Ali: hmm Ali: maybe a smidge, not going to make promises I can't keep Ali: but not all of it, THAT I promise Ali: I'm always going to have time for you, Carls Carly: promise Ali: fucking promise Ali: you're still my girl Carly: & youre mine Ali: hell yeah Ali: on some forever shit you and me Carly: new year but same us Ali: you know it Ali: ain't a resolution to lose you, nah Carly: you gonna ink me then Ali: can Ali: if you want to Ali: ideas? Carly: idc Carly: do what you want Carly: i trust you Ali: okay Ali: challenge accepted Carly: i kno youre up to it

[pips-fics]

oo how about headcannons for how lucy would form and operate as a garage band ? with the same Lucy Sound ofc bc wonsang is still the amazing composer and producer he is, but do u have any ideas of how they met in this AU or how a first show would go? (and feel free to answer this in any format u want like bulletpoints or freewrite or wtvr i would just like to hear if u have any Ideas)

(also!!! idk if u want the advice but when i find myself using the Same Tropes, i try and challenge myself to avoid a specific trope or focus on something i normally dont! like a lot of my writing is dialogue heavy so i tried writing by focusing on movement and emotions/introspection, or in ur case maybe try writing a sickfic with symptoms u dont normally find urself writing! just a suggestion ofc im sure once u get back into the groove of writing itll all turn out great. good luck!!!)

aksdjflkajsf this is a whole!!! au!!! my dude!!! you're gonna make me wanna try writing yet another multi-chapter fic :')

i actually started writing a high school au fic and i guess the way the band is formed in that feels similar to how i imagine this happening???

sangyeop decides he wants to be in a band.  just, y’know, spur of the moment kind of thing, because he wants to see if he can do it

he recruits gwangil first because he's the most easy going and he basically just has to be like "hey u wanna make a band" and gwangil's like "sure why not just don't make any early morning band practices or i won't come" (they definitely end up having some early morning practices but that's something to worry about later)

i think yechan inserts himself into the band because he's bored with his life and the guys’ dynamic seems interesting and maybe he was already friends with gwangil bc shin bros (my hs au has a very wholesome yechan x yeop ship so yechan joins because he has a Big Crush but that doesn't need to happen it's just me having some gay fun)

wonsang joins last which is maybe controversial of me but i kinda think wonsang wouldn't have a wealth of self-esteem if he wasn't doing music? idk definitely could be wrong that's just the vibe i get - so when i imagine wonsang before he became a musician, i picture him being pretty reserved; friendly but reluctant to put himself out there. so maybe he takes the most convincing to join

alternatively i like the idea of yechan and wonsang being friends and wonsang wanting to start a band but being too shy to, so yechan recruits people for him and ends up accidentally joining the band himself and becoming the band’s leader lol whoops he just goes from “i’m going to be your manager!” to “i can’t be the leader i don’t play an instrument!” to “how the hell did you find out i play the violin?” real quick

first show would be very wholesome because i think in this setting they don’t expect to have anyone interested in their music, but people show up!  not a huge crowd, but there are people at the venue and they cheer for them and after the show they realize they’ve gained followers on their social media.  potential to give them hope that they can become something, it’d kind of kickstart the next step of their journey where they start becoming a bit more invested in and serious about their music!

what do you think?  did you have it pictured similarly, or completely different?  👀 

[celestialallstars]

Episode #5: “Every party is a pitbull party when I'm around” - Chloe

Honestly? I hope Sharky understands that all of it clearly was gamewise. I didn't care about his level of activity, but I cared about my game and unfortunately he was not apart of it. Having that out of the way, I want to use this next immunity to have a little bit more control for my game!

omg sharky left im sad 2 pots back to back although my pots is always gonna be brian <3 but yaa this so sad i wanted him to stay but votes werent there hes prob pressed but also like not my fault he was not as active i mean mitch isnt either but if sharky talked more hed be here know that

Zzzzz classic celestial double tribal. I bet we swap again at 15 and keep 3 tribes. AM I WRONG ANNA? AM I???? I’m just praying we win bc I, again, really don’t want to have to choose between Michael and drew. It’s just not FAIR to send either of them home rn but even though I know I’m safe with this majority I still want to be immune, and just pray I don’t get fucked by a swap here. If I can hit merge, I’ll be in good shape I think. Just gotta get there

DONT STOP THE PARTY. Every party is a pitbull party when I'm around

Chris seems very loyal to me So to have Bryce and Chris not willing to turn against me is going to bode really well for my long-term game I don't mind booting Stephen if we lose but I think I might be able to keep him If it will be good for me to have the thing with Mitch and Stephen at merge But the thing is, Tuatha would have to win immunity for it to be worth it to keep Stephen Because if they lose then Mitch is going to go, and what use is Stephen without Mitch?

WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON PLAYING LIKE THEY CANT CLEAN AFTER THEMSELVES? Kori slips his alliances, Stephen leaks his alliances, Rhys and Jared want Stephen out while Stephen wants Mitch to be used to go for Bryce and Kori despite all of these people being in an alliance together, Michael is asking for my hand in marriage, Chloe feels hopeless like me, Zach himself is a mess, Loris an even bigger mess yet I like them, Drew probably is ready to puzzle me and Loris out the door, Jack and Alyssa are problematically beautiful, Bodhi is just here, and Mo is going to kill us all with kindness.

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So now I'm gonna see if I can save Stephen since him going can hurt me a little. It's becoming clear to me that Loris talks to Rhys or Jared or maybe even Stephen but honestly? If Stephen is only saying Bryce and Kori's name then why not keep him and make him THINK that everyone is not onto him and them save him for later? Honestly even use him to take a shot at Bryce and Kori if all of them wanna but to take him out now even despite his problematic ways seems short shortsighted...at least I'm gonna try to get them to feel that way! Itll start by convincing Jared to convince  Rhys they should wait

So let's see it's about half an hour before the challenge is due. Sharky went home as was according to plan. 5-1 no surprises or anything. Immediately Anna slaps us in the face with her dick and we're face to face with a Double Tribal Challenge.

Would've probably done better if it was Sunday instead of Monday but unfortunately work got in the way and there really just isn't much I could do bout that. I'm HOPING we somehow pulled out a win. There's several elements where I'm thinking we probably got last but we also might've lucked out. To be quite honest, I'm not optimistic in the least. But I want to hold out hope that our luck will somehow turn out.

Everyone in this game is so good at challenges so it really takes some crazy stuff to pull things out. I also feel like I might be playing just slightly too relaxed on the social-strategic front, but there also hasn't been much to do other than try to maybe build bonds with people and try to be nice/likable. Most of the time when I'm at tribal the thing I want has tended to be the simplest and easiest thing to do for me.

Anyway, time to start my prayer to hopefully win this challenge and not get dicked by AnnaJane.

I'm kinda having this subtle realization that I'm in this alone. Which sounds obvious but like I don't know. As soon as I found out we lost I had this mindset of "Well just gotta hope the others choose to spare me." but bitch that's my fate I wanna choose what happens to it. So that's what I'm gonna try to do.

WE ARENT GOING TO THE DOUBLE TRIBAL BABY AND FOR THAT IM GRATEFUL. When I initially saw that the challenge was all flash games i was freaking. Im usually not the best at flash games, but i really stepped it up and won my portion of the challenge. I hope and think Jared and Stephen will be fine, so I am hoping we swap after this. If we dont, then it might be crazy if we go back to tribal. Loris wants to blindside Kori but idk if that is the best move for me.

So since we're one of the two tribes going to tribal we're currently in that phase of "fuck what do we do." and I'm gonna be honest its only a matter of who grabs the reins first and usually to see who is okay with said person driving. So I took it upon myself to grab those reins because if everyone's just sitting waiting I feel like my name has a chance of coming up. So instead of sitting and waiting for something that may not even happen, why not try to make something happen. So I threw out Stephen's name to Zach knowing that they have a "history" with the whole idol situation. Zach said he'd be fine with that, then I'm like going to Rhys like "Ok so it wasn't technically a name drop but I have heard Stephen's name" and Rhys was like "oh yeah I get that because he doesn't talk often." so I'm like yeah I'm thinking that too. This has such a high chance of turning around against me but if this does work I'm not gonna be able to do shit for a while without looking like a threat. Also if this does work I'm gonna feel like such a suave bitch, like oooh. Goat? Idk her... I'm gonna be eliminated.

God this fucking sucks. Real Sophie’s Choice moment here picking between Drew and Michael I don’t want to vote either of them out but also I’m not turning on Matt/Alyssa/Bodhi. Drew messaged me last night saying he didn’t want to go like this and it just killed me. I really don’t know what to do

Since we lost the challenge, campaign season has begun on Orfeo. The first 2 people I talked to were Jared and Zach. I suggested Mo as the easy vote since he's isolated original-tribewise and didn't perform well in the challenge, and Jared agreed immediately.

Zach was, in his own words, wishy-washy. I really don't like wishy-washy players at this stage of the game. It makes a bit more sense at merge or at the very beginning but if I'm gonna flip on Jared or Rhys at some point I want somewhere solid to land, Zach, Mo, and Chloe don't appear to be the players I'd want to make that jump with. They don't talk openly about game which makes it difficult to trust them.

Rhys also seemed okay with this plan but he was drunk last night so who knows LMAO. My conversations with Mo and Chloe were essentially meaningless. All I got from them was this deal that they'd tell me if I heard their name and likewise for them. Maybe they have an alternative and don't think they have to talk game with me. I do think I'm gonna try and play it safe for this vote and just push for voting Mo with Jared and Rhys. Hopefully the trust between us stays strong.

♪ I’m almost confident this will backfire and I will be eliminated~ ♪

So we lost this double tribal. Which low-key is probably good. Because were not gonna be on these tribes forever. So its good to cement some form of alliance from it.

It seems like its either Mo or Stepehen going tonight so that's good. There is pros and cons to both. Mo is from a different tribe and is more social to me. I feel like Mo wont be dis loyal so he would be a great ally. It would also show that I'm willing to work with other people moving forward, opening more doors. However in doing so, I may be closing a door on my old alliance of 5. So yes I am scared.

Right now I’m a bottom on the bottom so I’m gonna have to push it push it real good to flip some votes onto bodhi, I have a pretty good relationship with Alyssa and me and Matt have been in cahoots all game, but this is all stars and if I have to turn on Drew I’m not holding back I am not going home tonight, tomorrow or ever. I just can’t go!

So after I talked to Jared last night I proposed the big alliance idea to Zach without asserting I wanted it. Leaving it up in the air could make him less likely to think I'm pushing it. SO while that is going on, Jared filled me in on Rhys' anti-Steph brigade but it sounds like they may cave to voting Mo. ON TOP OF IT ALL, Kori and Bryce literally were saying they'd like a Tuatha-Orfeo alliance which coincidentally coincides with the big alliance? Huh. But if they're genuine then this has A LOT of potential.

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I do feel like I'm playing messy but I told myself I'd play a little different if it meant increasing my odds. I wont try getting too hopeful just yet. Now I've told Steph that BK wama have our tribes work together and this left Steph reiterating how it sets us up nicely that nobody suspects us. I truly feel people will suspect Loris/Steph before me/Steph but still I know me and him are close so if we can last long enough to play legit together, it will be amazing. Woooo go friends

so we r at tribal again, love that for us! 3rd one of the season, thus making all OG Cyrena having been to the most tribal councils. I did pretty poorly on the challenge, but as did multiple others its no big deal. I'm pretty shit at winning immunity anyway so its ok.

I feel like i am in a similar position as with last time i played. I'm clearly very weak socially (and admit it, ive been MUCH busier than i thought i was going to be since university has started) and have a tight 3 who all are like pretty close together, and have multiple advantages. So im being very loyal atm. just quieter than i would like. I find some of these ppl v.boring tho and you can tell some are just doing the rounds to keep face so they can't be accused of a bad social game LOL. Sharky also left last round which makes me SO sad UGH. MY ONE TRUE LOVE, KILLED TRAGICALLY BEFORE WE COULD BE REUNITED. Its like romeo and juliet, only with a gay and a straight and the gay got stoned to death by evil people. fucking RUDE.

This vote tho... its.... interesting. Maybe i WILL shove my head in the sand, get wildly drunk and just ignore everything that is going on. sounds much better tbh. I feel like a warrior ant, just being told what to do, no matter what is going on. Alyssa is genuinely looking out for me however, and wants bodhi gone as we still have 2 big shields due to the lovely meta game as both are known to be big players. Both will go along with it as well, as it saves their skin (drew and michael). Not sure how Jack is going to take it because i can't tell their connection together, mainly cause bodhi and I barely have one. and i think that is the issue. I don't know him well enough so i don't really care about him being voted off (its better tho tbh cause i genuinely like and care about michael and drew, lets be real matthew.) not sure if its a timezone thing or just my sheer laziness and lack of social game, i am unsure.

omfg im immune at double tribal. im coming 15th again tho. i hope not. idk. like. i think ill be fine even if we swap..... like. i think im good with quite a few people? despite the fact ive disappeared this week ok yeah that's true i think i'm wrong. we'll see :sob:

Do I want to keep Drew and Michael? Absolutely. Does that mean I'm okay with Bodhi going? Fuck no. Bodhi is loyal to me, Bodhi will not turn on me, Bodhi is not a threat to me. But Bodhi is threatening to Alyssa and Matt and they're my closest allies and they want to keep Drew and Michael and now we're blindsiding Bodhi because tribal lines DON'T FUCKING MATTER. I mean don't get me wrong, fuck tribal lines I'm so game to throw that shit in the fire but like, it's not the best move for me. Hopefully this bodes (bodhis haha punny) for me.

Ok now that I think about it going into a merge with less original numbers is actually good for us so maybe this isn't the worst. Idk I just feel bad I really wanted to work with Bodhi and now I basically have to cut him because it's majority on him either way and my allies don't trust him. Sucks man but it's allstars.

It's really next level that I am was able to

1. Keep the vote on Mo (Rhys campaigned against Stephen, and Bryce confirmed to me that Rhys wanted Stephen out) 2. Make Chris feel like he convinced me, and that I'm doing it for him and I, when mostly it's for me and partially for Bryce 3. Secure Zach's loyalty this round (calling with him and talking about game and non-game related things to re-establish our great rapport) 4. Keep Stephen in the dark about Rhys targeting him so that I can use that information for later

And this was all without much time on my hands.

Tribe Trust List 1. Chloe 2. Zach 3. Rhys 4. Stephen 5. Mo

Master Trust List 1. Bryce 2. Chris 3. Chloe 4. Mitch 5. Zach 6. Rhys 7. Stephen 8. Loris 9. Kori 10. Mo 11. Alyssa 12. Michael 13. Bodhi 14. Drew 15. Matt 16. Jack

god i hate this like no one ever wants to do what i want to do why do i have to be a brat every game. like its not like i want to its just ppl refuse to listen to what i want so yes ofc im gonna act out??? UGH

I guess I am about to find out if possible change is needed for my game or not moving forward. I can hope for a million things but all it takes is one to make it all hopeless

So some new information has come to me today. Chris has been approached by Kori with the idea of forming some kind of Tuatha/Orfeo Alliance. This is sort of what I wanted to do already but the fact that other people are proposing it is just great for me.

This just adds another reason to vote Mo out. He's original Cyrena and could become a part of a resistance to this group once merge hits. I'm personally pulling for this alliance to be made. It just brings me one step closer to the end and unites my major allies (Chris, Mitch, Jared, Kori) under a single flag.

---

ANNNNNND There's been some drama on the old Orfeo tribe! Mo admitted to me that he's tried to vote me out, but due to the fact that people aren't talking to him, he now thinks the vote has switched to him, which is, hopefully, correct. If Mo had made a proposal like this to me right after we lost the challenge or before, I would've had to think about it, but as it stands, he's one person who has seriously thrown my name out there. I can't let that slide.

So, I devised a plan.

Step 1: Lie

How DARE Mo throw my name out there? I would never do something like that to him! Except I did, to everyone on the tribe, whoops. It's okay though, I lied and said Rhys did it, and I think he believed me.

Step 2: Join the resistance

Mo wants to get Rhys out, great. I'm happy it's not me. But that's a bad and unrealistic idea. SO I told him that in order to get a 3rd person willing to tie with us, we should target Chloe instead, and aim to recruit Jared.

Step 3: Recruitment

Now me and Mo are trying to recruit Jared one hour before tribal council. Except, not really. It's just Mo. I've told Jared about my plan to get Mo's vote off of me and he's in on it. Now, Jared can tell Mo the truth, or lie, and it doesn't really matter. Mo seems to feel too guilty to vote for me at this point. So mission accomplished.

Villains DO have more fun, don't they?

(I'm gonna look like such a dumb jackass if this plan doesn't work whoop, but oh well, I managed to fit one contrived plan into my time on All-Stars, so it's worth it!)

So right now I’m very nervous about this vote because even though people have said I’m safe I know bodhi is voting for me and he might just have an idol so like that’s my worry of getting idolled out lollll but uh I’m pretty worried about tonight so worried I might just throw my vote onto Drew and really protect myself and give me at least a little chance of staying due to an idol but who knows!

I think this is my last day which makes me incredibly sad. I feel like a failure if I’m being honest. There’s a slim chance I’ll stay. I had such a fun time playing.

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I was destined to be an early boot

Update:

So I can't use Rhys campaigning against Stephen this round as effectively.

Stephen knows his name was thrown out by Mo, because Mo TOLD him. Then Mo made a pitch to Stephen to work together, and Stephen told Mo that I might vote Chloe.

Long-story-short, it was just a ploy by Stephen to get Mo's vote off of him. I did a lil magic to make Stephen feel secure that I had his best intentions at heart, and I let Mo down easily that he is going home.

Mo was a fighter in this game and I give him all due respect. Now watch him idol me out ugh 16th looks cute on me

YAAASSSSS we woooooooonnn! I'm so happy to be avoiding this double tribal. If I can make merge at least that'd be a dream.

I had a conversation with Bryce and Chris and they don't seem opposed to doing a sort of pagonging of the Cyrenas because we talk with them the least. I'm not sure if that'll actually be an option come merge but if it is that'd definitely help me make it deeper in this game as a majority of my connections are my OG tribe barring Clohie, Chris, Loris, Drew, and Bodhi. Honestly if more OG Cyrena's like Matt, Alyssa, Jack, and Michael found themselves going this premerge I wouldn't complain.

I'm getting real tired of missing this idol system time window like a dolt though, I've no doubt I'm gonna pay for it later. But I also did win my game without idols so it's not like I HAVE to have them. It'd just be nice to shake things up since I did wanna play differently this time.

Anywho back to celebrating! Woooooooo~

WHY DOES MY TRIBE SUCK AT EVERYTHING....At least they're not voting me out this round. Matt tried to give me an "option" after an hour negotiation that Alyssa already said he was down for, but he wanted me to think it was coming from him. Isn't that adorable.

RIP Bodhi

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Bodhi and Mo are voted out in a double elimination.

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #10: “He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy" - Brian

Well losing Keaton wasn't in the plan. He was one of my closest allies. I may have screwed things up with Brian. Maybe if I can come up with a lie good enough, we could believe me. Sharky knows that I liked Keaton so maybe theres still trust there. Hopefully. Im still working with Nathan but hopefully he still wants to work with me even though Keaton is gone. I know for sure that I have Bryce. At least that's one ally but who knows.

OKAY OKAY OKAY. Thank fucking GOD. Everything worked out. All the other votes were for Matt so there is no question who is a liar. Because everyone is a liar. But it doesn't matter because our plan worked. Matt is still here. I'm still here. AND KEATON IS NOT!!! Now of course everybody is scrambling to apologize to me. Nick is like oh it was so last minute. Maynor is like "i liked you both so it would keep you both". Nathan is spewing some nonsense. Bryce honestly kind of owned up and laughed it off which tbh i respect. And of course my girl Anna checked in and I told her we are golden. Because we are. Anna was 100% up front with me about this plan so I trust her A LOT now. I told her Brian and I didn't tell Matt about the plan, which is a lie, but it's the smart thing to tell her because it keeps her from being put in another tough position. And I never told Matt Anna was the leak. So Anna should be safe from any fallout after this vote. Nothing to do now but move forward and hopefully Matt or I win immunity and the FB Bois can carry on.

Update: I'm sure as hell not winning immunity because I only got 3 out of 25. Embarrassing. Physical threat who?

Bryce is my final 2.  There, I've said it.  I'm 100% solid on this man as my fellow finalist!  I really hope that we are able to navigate our way to finals together... like, we have our plans, we spilled all the tea... basically Nick and Maynor just continuously lied to me, and like... idk... I feel like Bryce could be lying, but I just feel too good about this connection that I think it's a real final deal.

So fuck me with a spoon and call me Sally because I finally feel amazing about an ally to the end.

Also, we have our "potential vote order."

8. Nick - A goat that could just be brought to the end.  He's not too bad, but he's also someone who could easily replace me in the Sharky-Matt-me trio. 7. Annabelle - Break her duo with Nathan up while also breaking her trust circle with Sharky.  I think it would be ideal for me to take her out now. 6. Sharky - He's the biggest threat and you can't keep the biggest threat around for too long, no matter how much you trust them.

Top 5: Me, Bryce, Nathan, Matt, and Maynor.  This isn't the cutest final 5 ever, but I feel like this sets me and Bryce up for the best final 2.

5. Biggest challenge threat, whoever that may be. 4. Biggest challenge threat now (if it's final 2).  If it's final 3, then biggest jury threat. 3. Final loser (if it's final 2).

1+2. Me and Bryce.  Kings.

omg so brian is my f2 now and thats so iconic... so we think the boot order is gonna be like nick anna sharky and then reevaluate for comp threats.... like so i didnt want to vote matt bc i didnt want to lie to brian bc i really wanted to work with him but nathan convinced me to anyway esp bc we knew anna voted matt already and then GHOSTED. but then matt played idol so someone (maybe nick) prob told him/sharky about the plan... sketchy anyway it worked out bc i hate keaton and am happy hes gone. so when tribal ended i noticed sharky brian matt werent leaving call and they were all the minority voters... well majority bc of the idol... so i went into damage control. it was so iconic bc i didnt even pm sharky or matt just brian bc i really only felt bad about lying to him bc i wanted to work with him so much and matt doesnt respond that much and well sharky maybe i was a lil bad feeling about lying but w/e. i just joked around with them didnt hide anything and was my usual charming self... so i was honest with them about what happened bc i realized like i dont want to work with ppl who lie to me. i forgot if i mentioned this but like keaton and nick refused to tell me they were voting matt even tho we were all supposed to be in on it. and while everyone else was lying about why they voted or when the plan was formed i decided to be forth right. idk if thatll come back to haunt me but hope not NNNN. i was on that call for 7 hours. thats dedication NFJAJDFSHKAJS although they were all iconic and fun to talk to anyway so wasnt that hard but i sleep at midnight the latest usually and it was 2am. but w/e i pushed through bc tiredness is passing but positioning myself properly is NECESSARY. once it was just brian and i we shared everything or at least i did KJFASDKJFA he kept being a lil shady but i think it was fair bc i did just lie to him. i told him about nathans vote spy and the og absolem (minus nick) alliance and all the stuff ppl were saying and he told me about how he knew of matts idol bc he himself had a vote steal and they traded info. so loved that tbh!!! like if we have to use it this round itll set us up good it think, plan is to take out nick bc he can be goated to the end and flipped to and we dont want that. then anna bc shes good at comps and wanna split nathan/anna up. then hopefully work with maynor/nathan/(maybe matt) to vote out sharky bc if he gets to the end he'd win we feel like. after that we gotta see who we can beat in comps so we can beast our way to the f2. we think its f2 bc how days line up but like im bad at math so KFJASDHFJSD. anyways me and brian are like the michele and cydney that make it to the end so get ready for that. sorry nathan, thank you next!

I dont know if i said it last confessional but losing Keaton at the moment was really bad. He trusted me and was working with me. But now it looks like Matt want to start a little alliance. Sharky wasnt bad, was just happy it wasnt him, and Brian not mad but upset. I think i literally may be working with everyone left. Scream team with Sharky. OG Dinah with Brian. Shatter but still together me nathan annabelle and bryce. My rams alliance with bryce. And nick talks to me but is only one who hasnt said we should work together.

So we out here still! I am really happy that the idol play worked and it seems to have shaken the 5 who voted against myself, brian and sharky a lot. they are all seemingly panicking and its quite amusing to watch ngl. However, I am pretty sure I can capitalise on this to my own advantage, to swing the numbers my way or at least to take myself to like 5th (which for me is always a good placing). I am sure as hell not done playing yet so woo lets go bitches!

worried brian is closer to matt than me... annabelle once again ignoring. i dont know how to have a convo with matt like on call sure easy love it on discord? not happening. nick... maynor seems off today but we still chatted for a while... maybe im over? whomst knows! love ain

These questions were all out of left field like wow. I didn't even get to read all the questions. I randomly looked at a question and picked a number. I actually knew more of them than the ones I picked. I only got one right and that was Mickey Mouse and I don't even like him that much. Lets hope people are thrown off by these questions and panic like I did.

So Nathan has come and apologized. I really do believe his plan, although it was super selfish, was to get our group of 4 further. So I'm not mad. But the thing is that more so than Nathan lying it showed that he has real POWER in this game. He was able to get a 6 person majority to do what he wanted and convinced them all to lie to me and Brian. So he won't be my next target because he has my back but I don't have his anymore so he better watch out. Nathan is the biggest threat left in this game.

Okay so it's seems all is at peace. Anna had been worried that Nathan would come after me but it seems that passed. And The Jock Destroyers Alliance actually seems to be on the same page for once. Nick is just seeming like an unknown to all of us and we want to cut down on unknowns this late in the game. None of us can guarantee Nick is with us and that is worrisome. So as much as I've tried to work with Nick these past few weeks it might be time to cut my goat loose and move on with a new flock. I guess we'll find out.

I WON IMMUNITY!!! My wig is flown... now I can be more ballsy over the next 24 hours.  I want Nick gone.  For Nathan and Sharky to think that they're the ones doing this, though, is so annoying because I was literally the one to open this can of worms.  In addition, the reason I want Nick gone is because I want him out of Sharky's ass.  I don't need the two of them to be besties anymore!  I know Sharky is OK with voting him out, but I know Nick thinks him and Sharky are like besties so...

I think that 5 that voted Matt last round were thrown into a tizzy when Keaton went, and so I'm just out here like... lemme revel in the chaos!  Maynor and Nathan both were so anxious for my reaction... Nick went explaining to me right away what happened... ugh!!  My mind is so big... Sending Nick home this round will be one step closer to fulfilling my top 2 fantasy with Bryce.  I love it so much.  I really hope all goes to plan, but I am immune so I can't really be too worried since I'll still be here after 24 hours lmfao!!

I would love to be the hero by the end of this season, but I already see my villain arc coming up, and I'm left sitting here like... well, it was bound to happen.  The second I turn on Sharky is the second I hit that arc, and it's a plan that's coming sooner rather than later!!

i feel like... im going home its so quiet like brian won immunity and pushed on nick so like he should go but its just so quiet hm.

Well. It looks like it might be me. ��‍♂️ No one hs been talking to me so I guess its may be my last day!?

So the vote is either between Me or Nick tonight. And i dont like that. Going to see if I can get Nick and atleast 2 other votes to atleast make it a tie. The only other option right now is to take out Sharky. Im looking to try and get Bryce, Nick, and hopefully Nathan. Brian is safe. That leaves Matt, Annabelle, and Sharky. So like 🤷‍♂️ Imma go out fighting if its me.

So like, this tribal is really quite quiet, but seems to have a clear target in  Nick. SOmething of which i will HAPPILY take for myself, as I am just fed up of getting voted atm lmao. Like yes please just give me 1 round of respite then you may come for me again cause I will be ready. I feel close to Maynor and Nathan, mainly cause I have worked on them over the past few days so i feel good about myself and where i stand. will I win? probably not. Am i ok with that? no but if I have to settle I will

Okay for once it seems like there isn't much scrambling. I could be completely wrong and I'll get sent packing but who knows. It should be a quick and easy vote for Nick.

I jinxed it. The moment I said it should be easy NICK GOES OFF IN THE TRIBE CHAT. Trying to basically threaten all of us with the idea that he may have another idol. THEN BRIAN CALLS HIM OUT. And he puts Nick on blast for leaking the Matt plan to us. Which he did do. BUT Anna is actually the one who told us. So Nick either actually has an advantage and will save himself (in which case I don't think I'm his target) or his whole game just BLEW UP. It's messy messy messy.

Well Nick just ruined all the possibilities ih trying to save him. Nathan doesnt seem like we could get the votes so that also gets rid of Annabelle because they are very tight. So my vote is gunna be Nick but just watch its actually me. 🤷‍♂️  I would die but nothing i can really do know.

maybe im boo boo the fool??? theres been iconic fights and stuff and now nick is gonna vote me which is rude but he says hes voting maynor but i doubt that bc maynor tried to save him earlier this round so idk whats happening ppl are saying like dont worry he doesnt have the votes but what if he idols or what if ppl flip or like i dont want any vote against me in the first place. all these ppl so stable bc they arent the ones getting voted. the AUDACITY nick has when ive put up with his bland unanswering self for all these weeks to vote me on his way out??? no ty!!! maynor is like the most NNN idk he just has the worst pokerface i went with his annoying save keaton plan last week and im pretty sure he is going to vote me now too like... maybe dont do that what happen to the stupid :rams: :rams: aries thing we had going... make it add up!

Looks like I’m going home... the only chance I have at staying is if bryce gets out but I’m worried that’s not going to happen... I guess we will see wha happens in a few hours…

AHH!!  So I got into a fight with Nick earlier.  He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy in the main chat about powers he has and how he KNOWS who mentioned his name... girl, you know NOTHING!  He still thinks I've voted for him twice, and highkey if I had read my PMs about the idol before 7:45pm, then I would've voted for him exactly Z E R O times.  So fucking ugly...

So yea, I fought him.  And I'd say I won.  I just hope everyone sends his ass home.  Bryce and Nathan are updating me on, like, everything, and we have Maynor who just is beyond sketchy with his PMs.... I really just... WHEW.... I hope Nick's straight ass goes home and it isn't Bryce.

This tribal is going to be one big fat mess... but like i’m ready for it

I dont really want to do Nick tonight but its the best thing for now not to rock the boat. Im just hoping that everyone isnt lying and its some how me tonight. 🤷‍♂️ Just need to trust people who are saying they are doing Nick. But having a weird feeling and hopefully its a false alarm.

Tbh Brian not voting makes me feel sketch about tonight. It may be nothing and just me being worried that my name was thrown out. He said he was going to sleep early but he could have voted early for Nick so like. 🤷‍♂️ Paranoid and im going to die.

Nick is voted out 5-1-1.

[atomicsurvivor-isleofskye]

Ep. 10 - “bananas...... will that help?” - Vi

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/169206214901/individual-immunity-5-counting

i am so happy my alliance of 5 is sticking together and im so happy i didnt leave yet bc that wouldve been my worst org placement and ali and jay are super fun but at the end of the day its just a game anyway!!

This challenge looks very annoying, but as long as neither rebecka or tara win I can have my pick of who to bring with me. Ive convinced Ain to tell Rebecka about the Tara plan, because if I had to pick I’d prefer Rebecka to win, and shes more likely to with motivation.

I NEED to win this immunity so I dont get in the middle of this rebecka vs tara thing. I do NOT want to be getting votes just because rebecka/tara have immunity. can my comp flop loser ass win something??? thanks

People finally realize I'm a threat? Wow took them long enough. Got 2 votes, was fun. I laughed a lot. Heather is such a good sport. I wish everyone else was too. She's great. Also this challenge is so terrible. I hate counting. I can barely count past 100 on a good day. It gets boring real fast. I'll pull an allnighter to get ahead since I gotta babysit tomorrow. Welp fill you in later. ;)

Tbh this vote and tribal was a very messy one for me and I hope I can win immunity and continue to do that until FTC if not I’m probably out this game and can’t waut to see the people of the jury not because they’re my friends or anything im responsible for most of them being there but because that means I can just chill and talk about what happened and not really plan and scheme

Tara got so mad at me because I wouldn’t throw the comp to her because she feels like she’s in danger (which she is. Stephen wants her out and is picking rebecka over tara since Tara told Stephen she was paranoid about a f2 between rebecka and I) idk it just made me upset that she would ask me to throw it like that after I put in so much effort. And she even deleted me from Skype when I wouldn’t give her my hidden immunity idol immediately!!!! She needs to chill. When she acts like this I’m tempted to blindside her after all. But I remember she’s like my bff and I couldn’t do that to her

Vi out here talking about loving fire how to remove jaws and her pet snake waaaay to much imma need her to go Issa no from me nope nope gotta go nope

I found the dragon but I was too late

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/169245494531/immunity-results

Ain wins immunity.

I DID THAT I WON IMMUNITY IM NOT A COMP FLOP SUCK IT!!!!!!!!

Tara didn’t win immunity so things will hopefully go as planned, apart from being blinsided the biggest risk in this vote is coming off as a serial backstabber. I’ve got to be careful, and precise in how I speak, so that in ftc they respect my choices as gameplay, not a reflection on my character

Ain won immunity ugggh.. why did this hav to happen she already thinks she’s running the Gabe now she has this I like her but I want her out the game more and more everyday she’s good and gonna get me if I don’t get her first

Ok Ali, let me fill you in my good man! So the game right now is kinda a mess. Everyone wants to make big moves while they have the numbers. Tara wants Rebecka gone because she's sus about a Becka and Ain final 2. Stephen wants Tara gone because Tara is sus about us and is worried she might flip. Rebecka is saying we should stick to the 5 (me, rebecka, tara, stephen, vi) and vote Aundra. Aundra is dying to vote Stephen out and honestly? SAME! Vi is down for anything. Jake...... is Jake. And that's what you missed Ali!

I'm GOING TO NUT!!! STEPHEN WANTS TO GET REBECKA OUT TOO!!!!! I'm so happy I won immunity and I get to enjoy this :). Welcome to the party Stephen, you're late sweaty.

*INCITES DRAMA BETWEEN REBECKA AND STEPHEN* IM SCREAMING NOW REBECKA IS GUNNING FOR HIM 

howdy yall!!!!!!! bec here.  Comin atcha with another confessional!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POy09x79WRk So I'm always on the wrong side of blindsides and stuff so itll be SUPER funny reading this after the game ends considering im probably gonna end up out the door at the end of the night tomorrow!!! LOL!!! Stephen's playing a messy social game (think himilayas 2.0) messaging tara to try to vote me out, and messaging me and ain trying to get us to vote tara out, and im just like https://i.imgur.com/cw9Dhs2.jpg HEHE so basically now its me and ain, and tara, and maybe aundra (Hi bb!!! haven't messaged you at all probably lol whoops sorry didnt do that on purpose i literally am just a mess LOL lets be friends after this game and i hope i can trust u this week!!! hehe) tryna vote out stephen, but stephen thinks its ain and i voting tara out, and tara and jake and aundra voting me out LOLOLOL hehe i have no clue what the eff is gonna happen tomorrow night but im sure it wont be fun!!!  :) :) :)

So I had me heart set on blindsiding Tara but then she had to go and play nice. Which meant I had to take a big risk and start drama. By saying that Rebecka, Ain, and I had a f3 deal I convinced her to start planning for a Rebecka blindside. Once she did I went to Ain and told him she was planning it, and to cover my bases I said she was trying to portray me as the mastermind behind it. So now we’re all at each others throats again, and I can hopefully pull this off.

Stephen is trying to get Rebecka and Me to vote Tara while everyone else votes Rebecka......... I appreciate the drama, the Big Move™, but he needs to be less messy about it.

So I don’t know what is going on but I’m pretty sure the survivor gods hate me, ironically. So everything was looking fine all we had to do was get Vi on board but apparently she was found something in the moors, she can’t say what but she seems confident that any attnept to vote Tara out will fail. Theres two possibilities here, one shes lying to save Tara, in which case we have to pull Jake and/or Aundra to get majority, or what she found protects Tara outright, in which case we’re screwed.

So this really is a confession. *cough Uh I was trying to get Stephen to not vote Tara by hinting at her having an idol. Somehow that completely backfired and made him think I had a disadvantage from the moors. Long story short he thinks the word vote is the trigger that I can’t reveal info and so he switch to using the word “banana”. Um as you can imagine, I died laughing. Was worth. Sorry Stephen but I took it and ran. If I get backstabbed it’s worth it. Here let me put a single statement he said out of many for you to understand. “but regardless if I pull Jake and/or Aundras..... bananas...... will that help?” *coughs violently Yeah sorry...

hello! sorry for the lack of updates i've just been super super busy. basically i've been trying my best to turn ain against rebecka, not that well tbh but shes promised to vote her out this vote lol fdskf, ain leaks everything to rebecka which is rly bad for my game tbh bcos it exposes how close me n ain are! i also tried to get a feel for how close stephen was to rebecka whilst i could let my immunity let me b messy n he basically leaked everything to ain it was p iconic LOL um so ya n then stephen planned to vote me out, but no one wanted to! hehe so he comes to me and says that he thinks i'm right about rebecka n tries to get me to vote her out LMAO but then apparently it didn't go how he wanted so he went back to rebecka and ain and tried to get them to vote out me again n its all p iconic bcos we're all sending eachother stephens messages n catching him out on his lies. i would LOVE to vote stephen out just to see the look on his face when me n rebecka receive ZERO votes (apart from maybe one from him) so he can realise he fricked up! unfortunately, bcos rebecka is so close to ain i think this might be the only opportunity to vote her out. n then i can make aundra super happy and vote out stephen next time! i think me and aundra are getting really close which i'm really glad about because aundra just seems to be a free vote lol fdbksf but hes also really fun to talk to. he also doesn't like ain(in a game way) which tbh is great bcos ain is winning! and if i got ot f3 with ain and aundra i could rely on aundra to try win immunity and take me to f2 yas! i finally have a plan.

This game is cancelled I’m over it can’t wait for everyone to get voted off I really wish it was final 2 and I was winning or I was getting voted out or something idek this games sooo stressful and  it feels somewhat dragged out but that could be because I’m playing with like the messiest people ever and a power hunger associate but who knows

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1r6ao_imaUBfYKPxoLg614vW___nlTK9P

So Vi has been far too vague, and Ain and Rebecka are looking more and more vague. It is risky to keep people like Aundra and Jake in becuase they might want me out, but its riskier not knowing how things will be affected by Vi. So I’m voting Rebecka. This affects my plan a little, next vote I’ll feel out Ain, see if we can work together and take out Tara, if not she’s gone. Then we vote out Aundra. Then Tara hopefully. Drama Drama Drama.

well folks, it sucks to be the last Saorsa peep left, considering im not social with some of these Iolaire it looks like my path to victory is quite skerewed, some may wonder though, if i fear safety why not try in immunity? because i dont think im in any particular danger, at this point im just a number/goat from many pov's so they wont bother with me, am i using this to my advantage? yes i mean im the last player in game to recieve no votes, so i at least am outwitting

Ugh I have no idea whats best for my game right now, I’ve flipped back to voting Aundra

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/169285851851/merge-tribal-5

Rebecka voted out 5-1-1-1.

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 9 Confessionals

dammit i aligned with the one person everyone wanted out in the merge first.. why is jordan pines still here? well im using my power and bouncing the fuck out next round--- see ya suckers!

i hate blindsides. like people are always like "omg BLINDSIDE haha this is so fun!!" no. theyre not fun. do u rlly like having to own up to everything after tribal to people u just betrayed and u cant tell them EVERYTHING that happened but u have to tell em something and tey always feel betrayed. not fun, and katies obv pretty hurt while bryce is hiding it. like im not gonna blindside if its always this unfun. i dont wanna spill my guts and be all weird bc i dont like doing it :/ but telling people who im voting isnt fun either idek

So the vote didn't go my way. Someone is working with jordan and luke. i think the way the votes fell it was me and chris on jordan, katie on luke, willow on me, and charlotte, luke, jordan, carson, zach on chris. everyone is saying that it was last minute and just wanted to go with the majority. but that doesnt add up. i was told that i wasnt clued in because they didnt know if i was close with chris or not. and that they wanted to flush the idol that jordan has. but if you all vote with him he obviously wont play it?? also i wasnt told because chris chose me to go on the wishing well im  pretty sure which is lame. we werent even close and i would be fine voting him even if i think its the wrong move seeing as how luke and jordan need to go sooner or later. im most betrayed by carson because i told him hes my number 1 and he said the same but he doesnt let me know saying it was last minute. but he talked to me right before the vote and said it was jordan so clearly it wasnt too last minute. willow voting me is so random but i need to make sure i get her back with me b/c i think i can use her. this vote has brought me and katie closer i think which is good, she really seems to think that charlotte was the mastermind of the vote and i kind of agree. i just dont get why charlotte wanted us to split and then do this. she convinced chris to split too i believe which is sad for him. but like why would she make a split if she already had 5 votes. so i think its maybe not her, or she was doing that for extra caution. anyway people still have these advantages from the auction so im wary and just want to win the immunity to secure myself. i need to work on my relationship with luke and willow i think b/c i think that can be beneficial moving forward.

katie used her power.. like why?? i love katie but like.. that was dumb. after me incessantly telling her, youre fine, youre safe. but whatever. (but i get her point of view too because i wouldnt trust me after telling her i was voting jordan then helping her split votes on luke then voting chris out lmao) hopefully the plan of getting jordan out can work this round even though katie using her power semi? nto really complicates the plan. patience sucks by the way

Jordan won immunity which is PERFECt because it means he can't be voted out but now I'm just worrying about me. I know we managed to get the numbers last round but I'm nervous about whether or not people will vote me off this round or not, especially since I'm the only vulnerable Copa at tribal council. That being said I /do/ have 2 idols in my pocket so I could just pull one of those but I wanna try and wait as long as I can before I have to use those. Ideally I want Willow out this round, I don't really talk to her and I don't think she trusts me especially after we played Dead Sea together and I had a hand in exposing the idol that she played incorrectly (oops?)! Zach didn't really like the idea of getting Willow out but Jordan wants to so I'm gonna see what I can do. It ain't over yet

*play like jenna.. play like jenna... play like jenna... PLAY LIKE JENNA*

I hope to be a swing vote next round 

Carson: What do you want to do about tribal? Me, probably: Blindside Zach. 

So we're talking about voting out Willow this round.

She's nice, but there are no real allegiances (as far as I know) that she has in this game. Her vote was wild last round for Bryce, so it should be easy to get him on board to vote for her too. Jordan and Zach both need to go at some point but right now they, and Carson, are the only people I enjoy talking to so ... maybe I'll play this out and just bring a bunch of threats to the end with me. Why not? Can you imagine a final three filled with people who actually played decent games? It'd be a blood bath to see who wins and I am SO here for that.

this vote is a little intricate. but before I get into that, I want to explain other stuff. I was so close to copying Jordan's score because I knew from a past game he got perfect, so I would only assume he'd get it again. That being said, I would've felt really shitty and it may have potentially fractured my relationships with some of them. anyway the five person alliance type thing of char/luke/jordan/carson/myself aint going to stick much longer because..... everyone wants me out. I wanted Bryce out and i got it going but unfortunately people are doing willow. 

Willow leaving is kind of bad for my game, but nonetheless it's the decision and I can't resist it much. I plan on telling her the truth, and getting her to use her golden fan so that I can maybe get a new power because my rope fucking sucks (well, sometimes it can, but its a tiebreaker rip) I think if she didnt use it, she'd give it to me? and i think thatd be fine but i dont want to use it because luke would be mad, so if she's leaving, then why not just let it be her since  she's leaving anyway? I love Willow to death though so her leaving is going to be sad :( I think ideally the next person i'd want out is Jordan. One of the trio of L/C/J have to leave, and i'm least closest with Jordan and despite Char being like... opened about wanting me out because i can go on a comp streak, i don't want her out bryce can leave too. i dont talk to him much, but he's a nice guy! the game's the game, and it sucks though. Also it's fucking crazy how already its final 8 like?? it feels like the game started lowkey like 2 days ago and .... we're almost half way done.. wait we are DSMGODSMGDS okay done

"honestly i love how in this game votes are determined like ~6 hours before the vote and its settleede easily for the most part" zach even tho we've only had three votes including this one and the last one he said he was" told last minute" so what the truth!!! I think we're voting willow here everyone seems to be on board but i was blindsided last time and theres no saying I wont be blindsided again. I really wanted to win immunity but i flopped big time but maybe itll make people think im not a threat. Im gonna try to bring me carson zach charlotte back together and hope for the best because it would be 4-3. but also i want to remain close with katie even tho she ditched me... iconic queen. She told carson before hand but not me so thats interesting i guess!

willow targeted charlotte and spread her name, and charlotte acc does have some power so... ppl (bryce) ratted to charlotte and now willow's on the chopping block. sigh. im fine with willow going i guess ill just need a new final 3 person for me and zach?? whatevs. also willow has a golden fan apparently that mixes up the golden fan so me + zach r gonna try and get her to use it before tribal so we can possibly get some items. also.. at the start of this tribal EVERY name was tossed out besides me and zach. this could be because people know we're close or maybe we actually are in a good position. i think its the former but who knows. hoping this vote can be pulled off easily and i won't be the blindsidee tonight.

Currently trying to get the votes to get Willow out. So far I think I have me, Jordan, Charlotte and Bryce and with Katie gone that's majority for this vote. Zach still doesn't want to do it but I may just have to go behind his back on this vote and not do what he wants but that's the game. Hoping this works because I have a really weird feeling about tonight. 

Okay so as of currently I think Carson, Zachary and Charlotte are the biggest threat and I want Charlotte gone lowkey 

But I'm at my friends house so I don't have lots of time as usual ugh, also I'm a dumbass who got the challenge time wrong also Bryce suspected it was me who voted for him last round rip 

I've been being jewish all day so im just here now, so first confessional - hooray jordan finally won a fucking immunity challenge, it took way too long rtp. like seriously wtf

Anyways splitting this confessional up into 2 cause tribal is soon and i got nothing to talk about, but like bye willow, you were cool i guess, we didnt talk. sorry hon

Okay so like its definitely gonna be me tonight and I sorta tried but I think it's gonna be a unanimous vote and I just wanted to say I love Zach and Carson and I hope they do well in this game and I'm excited to use my fan and stir shit up right before I leave and continue only ever getting 8th in side seasons  

i gave zach my idol bc im a paranoid bitch and have a bad feeling about this vote. also FUCK everyone for wanting (or faking) to vote out literal ANGEL Willow. i just like told her im voting her and love her and wanna be friends after :// Also idk. i have a weird feeling. if i am blindsided, then good game bitches.

[outsiderempire]

i swear. all my mood does now is fluctuate between intense rage and complete apathy. i’ll get super worked up over something, be it big or small, to the point that i just want to beat the shit out of something or stab myself or something just to be able to take my anger out on something. then all of a sudden itll all just completely disappear and im just left feeling empty and cold. nothing will spark my interest until i come out of it. i just sit, not thinking or feeling, until it finally passes. but it happens so frequently, like multiple times a day every fucking day and i cant even pretend to be normal sometimes. it just becomes so hard to do that. i become so fucking heartless about everything around me no matter what it is and sometimes i want to tear everything to shreds, destroy it all. idk why. feeling content or happy has become rare for me. i hate when i get into these apathetic moods because i cant bring myself to do anything during them. so i spend a lot of time each day just not being able to communicate, not being able to do the things i like to do. i just put some music on so i have something i can pay somewhat attention to but thats it. i dont even think, just listen to music.

im so conflicted about who i am and how quickly i keep changing, and not for the better either. i just keep getting worse and worse. sometimes i want to be a better person, sometimes i wish that i could relate to people more and feel more comfortable being social and all that. other times its the complete opposite end of the spectrum and i just want to spend the rest of my life alone, and i dont care if i can relate to people or not, and instead of wanting to be a good person i just want to be someone’s worst fucking nightmare because my natural instinct when im feeling bad is to want to make someone else feel how im feeling. the fucked up thing is it makes me feel good sometimes when that happens too. thats why i spend so much time interested in a lot of crime shows and stuff because learning the stories of these people who suffered so miserably makes me forget about my own suffering and instead of feeling sympathy for them, i either feel nothing at all, sometimes i feel happy (or a feeling similar to that), and other times i feel condescending towards them. a lot of the time i feel condescending. 

i say i dont know what to do anymore and the answer is pretty obvious but i feel like a larger part of me is content being the way that i am that i see no reason to change, or rarely do. and being this way presents a lot of challenges for me and sometimes leads to making my life hell, and despite that im still okay with it. because part of me also feels like when those things happen to me, that i deserve it so again theres no reason to change. i go back and forth with it often and usually it ends up coming down to my apathy and the fact that i just dont care to change or do anything about it. because thats requires a lot of fucking effort and honestly nothing good would come out of it in the long run. maybe temporarily until i break under the strain and pressure of faking my entire life just to please everyone else around me. im already dealing with enough shit that i dont need something like that happening. 

i dont know what i want. besides a job and money and getting everything i deserve to have. i know something i do really want tho and thats just to know like whats wrong with me? what is making me this way? why cant i relate to others? why cant i differentiate between right and wrong? why cant i be a genuine hyper-empathetic nice person? why am i just this shitty asshole who cant feel anything other than blinding rage? why do i feel so fucking entitled to everything and why do i have to be better than everyone all the time? why do i feel the need to inflict pain on others or get pleasure from their suffering in order to forget about my own? and why cant i stop being this way? 

i dont know. i want to know the answers to all these questions but i dont see myself getting them because i dont want help and i dont need it. im mostly curious really. some of this may sound like a cry for help sort of thing but its really not. i ask myself these questions because i just want to know the answers. i want to know what it was that caused me to become this kind of person. and why has it just continued to get worse, you know?

like i dealt with some of this stuff back in high school here and there but not nearly as often as i do now and a lot of things have happened since then so i have no idea what could really be the reason.

i think the thing that sucks the most about it is just how much of it i have to hide all the time from everyone. because there is still part of me who wants to genuinely be a good person and wants to be able to help others and stuff and i have my moments where i can feel sympathy so its not like im completely heartless but to be able to still be good means i have to hide a lot of things. not really for anyones safety or anything like that but more because if i let myself express how i truly feel then i would delude myself into thinking thats a perfectly acceptable way to be all the time when its not and it would probably ruin my life tbh. but then again maybe that would be what i deserved for being this way in the first place idk. 

i just wonder if this will get any worse from here on out and i kind of hope it doesnt honestly. i have enough self control to keep me from going down any awful paths. i still have ambitions and goals i want to reach in my lifetime and i have a whole little plan in my head of how i want my life to play out and its good, its positive, and i think even being the way i am i can live a positive life as long as i keep myself in check and i can reach some of these goals i have set. i think what makes things worse is when i have a goal in mind and it doesnt work out. i get extremely frustrated and the more frustrated i get the more it continues to fuel my anger and it becomes a lot easier to set me off. but im naturally a goal oriented person. i like to set a goal and a time frame and i like to be able to reach that goal in that time frame. when i dont i basically feel like ive completely failed at life and that id honestly be better off dead because i cant seem to do anything right. also that would mean i wouldnt have to face anymore failures or mistakes. i know these things happen to everyone its just part of life, but the side of me that wants to do everything right and be absolutely perfect does not listen to that. it’s either i do this right or im a complete and utter failure there’s no in between and that leads to a lot of frustration especially when its related to things out of my control. 

i just kinda feel like the worse my anger becomes over time the less purpose i have in my life. because being an angry person all the time is really fucking exhausting and creates so many problems and anger is one of the hardest things to control. someone telling me “just dont get angry” even over something minuscule doesnt help. in fact it makes me angrier because someone is telling me what to do and i dont like people telling me what to do. on the other hand i also do not like that my anger has so much control over me. i dont like that one bit. i want to be in control here. if i start to feel irritation towards something i want to be able to take a step back and not let that thing have any control over me. because im better than that, im superior to that and it has no right whatsoever thinking it can have an influence over me. 

its funny tho because one of the things that i see often when im looking into this stuff about how to control one’s anger is the advice to “eliminate the source of your anger,” but please tell me how im to eliminate the source of my anger when everything makes me angry? it goes a lot deeper than there being just one or two things that make me angry and i just dont know how to approach that. again it requires too much effort and most of the time i dont care enough to try to do anything about it. 

im done seeking advice about shit. ive tried and you know what i got in return for that? sources upon sources telling me that im a monster, that im a toxic person, that im abusive, that what im feeling and what im going through doesnt matter or isnt important, that i should be “dealt with” and how people can “avoid people like me,” or “get back at people like me.” thats the advice ive been given. obviously not advice geared towards helping myself, more for helping others who dont have to live with what i live with and thats kind of fucked up. so if thats what i am then fine, i guess im a monster, i guess i cant ever change, i guess if my only option is to live with myself for what i “really am” then i suppose thats what i should do, right? and while im at it why dont i take it further and see just how much worse i can become because theres no positive place for me in this world. if i cant change parts of who i am then im doomed to be excluded forever. 

thats the kind of thinking i deal with a lot and why i gave up seeking advice. because honestly its all bullshit. sometimes i let it get to me too much and thats when i start thinking irrationally, believing i should become the worst person that i can because theres nothing good waiting for me. and that thinking is what makes people do terrible things and act out and ruin their lives. funnily enough that thinking doesnt intrinsically come from the people struggling with these problems, it comes from the people who dont like these people who are struggling and can only see the negative aspects which lead to them painting these people as monsters, as subhuman. you start to believe it yourself when youre told it often enough.

idk where im going with this anymore. i just wanted to put my thoughts out there somewhere and let them kind of roam freely i suppose. i dont want anyone to think that these rants i go on are directed towards one thing specifically tho. theyre not. literally i just sat down and did this because i completely got over my anger about the job stuff and wanted to just write how i was feeling. it happens randomly and if i dont get it out it makes things worse. 

but i dont want a response to this. thats not why i write these things. i dont care if people read them or not, i just want to write it out where people can see what im feeling if they so choose but i dont want to talk about it. that never helps either. i dont want advice im done with it. i just want to leave this here for however long i wish to leave it up and go on and find something else to do while i wait to get over this apathy again.