#but i think we don't genuinely put the weight of our decision making on whether people are actually semites or not

[adickaboutspoons]

AH hahaha - oh @tvshowspoilers an excuse to ramble about costuming significance? Don't mind if I do, my v. dear.

So going from full gloves to half gloves is something that had me scratching my head too, especially since they were apparently so important to the Krakening that they got a close up during the magic girl transformation sequence. Twice.

From a Doylist perspective, it might just be that they forgot (like the way the Lighthouse painting and the Blackbeard lithograph carried so much narrative weight last season and now are conspicuous for their absence). But if we allow that it was a conscious decision, it’s helpful to look at what full vs. half-gloves represent. Full gloves represent Ed cutting himself off from human connection - the icy detachment of a man determined to wield control with an iron grip. 

Half-gloves, then, represent a tentative willingness to reach out - to touch and be touched - but with a measure of protective cover in place. But whereas in the pre-Krakening, that manifested in Ed making healthy connections - bonding with the crew, allowing himself to become softer, and, of course, falling in love with Stede - in the post-Krakening era, Ed is still reaching out, but as a form of self-harm. It’s all a simulacrum of connection, but specifically engineered to alienate and isolate Ed, and drive the crew’s resentment and fear to eventually culminate in murderous intent. He technically offers the crew sustenance in the form of cake, but it’s not something that would actually nourish them - stimulation in the form of rhino horn and raids, but it’s nothing like enrichment - communication, but only in the form of intimidation. And it’s not just the crew - in a way, Ed is also reaching out to Ned in another bid of passive suicidality - breaking his consecutive raid record while knowing that Ned’s a torturing psychopath in an attempt to goad him into painful and lethal retaliation.

But then we also get no-gloves! The times when Ed is open and unguarded or longing for a genuine connection. We see it in the first season at the French Party Boat where the way to “win” the interaction is by enticing the toffs to find him charming, but ultimately, the real connection he craves happens later with Stede in the moonlight, and then again on the beach when he confesses that Stede makes him happy and kisses him. With the second season, we see it as soon as Ed has recovered from his suicide attempt. In fact, the scene with the bunny goes out of its way to draw our attention to Ed’s bare hands. After being exiled, he is SO desperate for connection, ANY connection, that he latches on to the very first living creature he stumbles across. When the rabbit is so cruelly snatched away, he immediately latches on to Mary and then Annie, even knowing that they are kind of psychos and maybe not the most secure social safety net. But ultimately, it’s once again Stede who offers genuine connection. From then on, Ed is without gloves for the rest of the season, even after he re-dons his Blackbeard leathers.

With the loss of the cravat, I think kind of the opposite is going on. Obviously they remembered it, or they wouldn’t have brought it back just for Ed to put it on when he expected to die. So its removal had to be a conscious choice. Because, the cravat is positively overflowing with tasty symbolism  - it’s the one of the extremely few things of Stede’s that Ed conspicuously chooses to keep and therefore a reminder of the man himself, but during the Kraken transformation, I think Ed keeps it on because it’s a PAINFUL reminder; an albatross around his neck - a noose to steal his very breath. But ultimately, even a painful reminder is a reminder, and he can’t control whether it might sometimes also bring him comfort. So, I think in this case, what we’re looking at is denial as a form of self-harm. We see from his reaction to Izzy in 2x1 that Ed won’t tolerate even oblique references to Stede (“As a crew?”). I think this is indicative of his more generalized approach to the idea - refusing to allow himself (or anyone else) to dwell on Stede. So when we see him dwelling with his dollies, I think that’s the turning point - Ed tipping them overboard is his him making up his mind; a lover’s suicide. And THAT’S why he allows himself to put the cravat back on when he steers them into the storm.

Once he’s reunited with Stede, obviously he doesn’t need a reminder anymore - the man himself is right there. So Ed can let go of the of the negative connotations that go along with the cravat - no more albatross. Just Stede.

[bisexualamy]

hi. hello. i've only been following you for a short while, so apologies if there's already a post about it somewhere on your blog, but would you be willing to expand on duck newton a little bit? the thing is that i'm terribly stupid and i feel like i see your point but don't know. why exactly...

Hi! There’s not one comprehensive post about it but I’m more than happy to make this one it. And don’t beat yourself up!! I think some of this does come from “I am a trans man and his experience resonates with me” and personally, I think that being an argument for identifying someone as gay/trans/queer coded is valid. But that’s not, imo, the only reason why many folks (including myself) really see Duck as a trans man. So here are a few more. Spoilers for the ending of TAZ: Amnesty ahead.

Goes by a nickname & treats revealing his “actual”/proper/non-nickname name as a sign of intimacy - I think this is the most obvious one but the way that Justin plays it gives it a genuine quality that really fits with Duck being trans. I love the exchange between Duck and Aubrey where she asks for his name, he replies “Duck” and when she presses him he says “we’re not there yet” and she says “we’re not at names?!”

Names being an intimate symbol is not exclusive to trans folks, but for many of us, choosing our names is often a literal and symbolic first step towards redefining the lens through which the world sees us. This time, in a way we want to. Duck’s earnest insistence that no, he is Duck, and that’s enough, comes off as very trans. So much so, that I wasn’t sure initially how I felt about his name reveal to Minerva in the finale. But the more I sat with it, and after my Amnesty re-listen, I think it actually puts a really fine point on this.

Choosing a name for yourself is really vulnerable. From what we know about Duck’s past, it really sounds like Duck has gone by Duck since he was a kid. Juno has known Duck since they were both teens, at least, and she’s always called him Duck, even in flashbacks. Duck remarks in another flashback that his mom doesn’t like the name Duck, yet he still insists on using that name. To me, it’s very easy to take a trans reading of Duck here. Duck has had clear discomfort with his birth name since he was a kid, whether or not he realized it was for a trans reason. He starts going by a nickname very early on, and later chooses a more traditionally male name (Wayne) as his legal name when he transitions. But in a sense, he was Duck before he was anything else. Revealing the secret name he chose for himself to Minerva, in this reading, just makes that an even more intimate moment.

Part of an alternative subculture as a kid - this is somewhat anecdotally based, but we know Duck was a skater and kind of a punk as a teenager when he was going through his own period of self-discovery. Alternative subcultures are often refuges for lgbt and gnc folks as teens, because they can be safe spaces for alternate gender expression. For me, being part of the pop punk/emo subculture as a kid gave me a lot more freedom to experiment with gender neutral and masculine gender presentation. I see Duck’s past as a skater and a punk a good parallel for this. We also know that Duck had kind of a fraught adolescence, and this was an outlet for him. I think this reading is even stronger when you consider him as a trans character, trying on the identities of different subcultures in parallel to understanding his own gender identity. His character arc redefining his identity as the chosen one is a genuinely great parallel for the trans gender euphoria, self acceptance, and taking an active role in reshaping one’s identity - this is absolutely my favorite one. Duck’s literal journey as the chosen one works really well as a metaphorical trans narrative, and I honestly think it strengthens his character arc to read him as a trans character redefining what it means to be the chosen one. Duck is caught between who he is as part of the Kepler community and who he is as the chosen one in an interstellar war. And his character arc is finding what it means to be all of these things and also Duck. From a young age, Duck is told he’s the chosen one, and his whole life is redefined in front of him. He’s very resistant to accepting this fact. What will this mean for his family? What will this mean for him and his future? What if he doesn’t want this? Why him? Who picked him? What if I don’t want all this baggage? Can I please give this to someone else? His first scene with Minerva is very reminiscent of the first moment of “wait, am I trans? What does that mean? Who am I, actually? I don’t want this.” Many trans folks, myself included, sort of know they’re trans before they know they’re trans. In our transphobic society, it’s a lot easier to just not be trans. It sort of sits there in the back of your mind, and sometimes you can ignore it, sometimes you even forget about it, but it inevitably always comes back. Because to ignore you’re trans is to ignore the truth of your life. The same thing happens to Duck and his identity as the chosen one. Minerva literally reappears to him throughout his life to remind him that he can’t run from his destiny, as much as he tries to shut her out. Duck even goes through periods of accepting “hey, maybe this chosen one thing isn’t so bad” only for something to go a bit wrong and him to completely reject it again. Minerva gives Duck Beacon, and for a moment he’s like “hey, this is kind of cool” before his destiny scares him and he falls back into what the hell am I doing and eventually gives Beacon to Ned. He shuts away a symbol of the identity he’s running from, much like a trans person might hide objects or experiences that give them gender euphoria, because to accept them is to start to accept the truth of who you are. I also like this reading because it makes Leo Tarkesian a great parallel for older trans mentors. Leo lived the life of the chosen before Duck. He’s gone through this all before and now his role is to keep Duck safe and make sure he safely comes into his own identity as the chosen one. The found family? The generational mentorship? The fact that Leo and Duck talk about the emotional weight of being chosen in a way Duck can’t really express with others? Even Minerva? Very trans. When Duck stops running from who he is he realizes he might actually like being the chosen one. When he loses his abilities, he realizes he misses them. But the solution isn’t to just become what Minerva tells him. The solution isn’t to just abandon all of his principles and values, abandon everything that makes Duck Duck and transform into the model of a chosen one. Duck won’t kill anybody. Duck chooses to make decisions with arguably worse outcomes for himself to avoid killing anybody (like saving Billy the Goatman). Duck gets to define what it means to be Duck The Chosen. He won’t settle for anything less. This, to me, is a really awesome parallel for not just accepting one’s gender but accepting oneself and your experiences of gender, and making it your own until it feels euphoric. Two other quick things that are more my opinion than textual analysis:

Duck’s brand of a softer masculinity made me feel euphoric as a trans man and it’s a kind of masculinity I see a lot of trans men aspire to have. Yes, not all trans men are masculine in this way. However, I think the gentle streak in his masculinity codes him as this type of trans man. This great thread goes into more depth on that.

Duck is characterized quite strongly as a staple of the Kepler community. He knows everybody and they all know him and they all call him Duck. It’s just, “that’s our Duck.” That’s a wonderful thing for me as a trans person, to see a community come together around accepting a trans person they’ve known all his life, and certainly known since before his transition. That just makes me happy.


This was long but I hope it helped better understand why Duck is so important to me as a trans character! Thank you for the ask. I had a lot of fun writing this up.

[d-xs]

PROMPT:

Bruce Wayne & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Catherine Todd

Warning: implied/referenced child abuse.

Jason Todd makes no attempt to eat his burger or even take a sip from his soda, despite the loud rumbling of his stomach. He clutches the bag tightly, bringing it closer to his chest when he sees Bruce staring, like he's afraid Bruce would take offense and demand his food back.

Bruce Wayne does not understand him. His threadbare clothes do nothing to hide the skin stretched over bones. He can see the outline of the boy's ribs through his red hoodie. He is clearly very hungry and going by the way he can't seem to take his eyes off the bag of fast food or even how he keeps taking lungs full of the aroma wafting from it, like if he breathes deep enough, he will be filled. He would bet his entire fortune that this kid has not had a good meal in weeks, or even months. Even one as unhealthy as greasy fast food.

The child is clearly starving. Yet, he has not made any attempt to help himself.

Bruce does not have any experience with poverty or homelessness. Even at the lowest point of his life, he had access to basic human needs. Still, he knows enough about human behavior to know that Jason's behavior right now is not the norm. When he gives a clearly starving person food, they usually devour it immediately.

There are only a few reasons why he would not want to eat the food he had enthusiastically accepted from Bruce. Either he plans to use the food as payment for his safety, in which case, Bruce needs to start looking into gangs exploiting kids, or he has someone, most likely a younger sibling in his care. Considering the fact that Bruce had caught him trying to jack off the fourth tire of the batmobile, after successfully getting away with the other three, Bruce is not sure what is most likely to be the case.

"You going to turn me in now?" Jason asks him, once Bruce's burger is out of sight.

"I promised you I wouldn't," Bruce tells him as earnestly as he can manage.

It doesn't convince the child at all.

"Yeah, right," he scoffs. "That's what you all say."

"Don't you think it would be counter-productive to have you arrested for trying to survive? I'm trying to make Gotham safe for kids like you, Jason. Not put you in jail. I might take you somewhere safe, so you don't have to keep living on the streets, but--"

"I'm not on the streets," Jason cuts in defensively. The fear and worry in his expression is clear now. "I live with my mom and we're fine. If you're not going to arrest me, then I'll be on my way."

A mom. Bruce can't decide if it's a euphemism for Boss. He has seen some awful things since becoming Batman. He also knows some parents take advantage of their kids and force them into crimes as a way to 'earn their keep'.

Jason is most likely taking the food to this person, if he's not eating it, and Batman needs to separate them if the child is being exploited.

The child doesn't wait for Bruce's response before he starts his trek back to the Narrows.

Making a snap decision, Bruce calls out to him.

"Common, I'll drop you off wherever you want," he says, knowing Jason would never let Batman drop him off at home. The child is too suspicious, and rightfully so.

Jason stops in his tracks, but he makes no attempt to accept Bruce's offer.

"It will be morning before you make it all the way across town," Bruce points out. "That's <i>if</i> you don't get attacked for the food."

With that, Jason agrees to let Bruce give him a ride.

Even though he was quiet for the first couple of minutes, Bruce could see the wheels turning in the boy's head. Jason has a very expressive face that tells Bruce he is gearing up to say something, as he takes in the interior of the batmobile.

Jason doesn't take as long as Bruce thought he would.

"You're probably rich, huh?" Jason observes.

Oh God, Bruce hopes this kid is not about to proposition him.

"Not really." Bruce's answer is terse to discourage further probing.

"So it's true what they say?" Jason continues, either missing Bruce's reluctance to continue with this conversation or ignoring it. "That you're fucking Bruce Wayne for money?"

If Batman didn't have such a tight rein on his microexpressions, he would have choked. "That's not language suitable for a child."

Jason turns in his seat so that Bruce doesn't miss the elaborate eye-roll.

"I guess you've had to pay informants, huh?" Jason asks. "You know, like in the stories, where a dude is rewarded for giving the cops valuable information for solving a crime. You do that?"

"Sometimes." Bruce is invested in where Jason is going with his questioning. "Why? Do you have information to sell?"

"Depends on your going rate," the boy sasses.

"And how much do you want?" Bruce asks.

"I read in the papers that the FBI pay up to a hundred grand," Jason shrugs. "Shouldn't be too much for you to match, seeing as you have a rich boyfriend."

"One hundred thousand dollars?" The only reason Bruce doesn't laugh is because he doesn't want Jason to think he's being made fun of.

That, and the possibility that Jason may be trying to get free from his abuser, by having Batman go after them.

"You really think your information is worth that much?" Bruce asks.

"You tell me, Batman." Jason shrugs again. "It was worth enough to cause a war between Penguin and Scarecrow. Enough to make my dad disappear, not that that's a bad thing."

Bruce doesn't think he's supposed to hear the last part, as Jason mutters it under his breath. But the cowl picks up the words clearly.

A criminal and/or abusive mother and mob affiliated but now absentee father. Bruce is debating calling Social Services.

He's also aware of the war between Penguin and Scarecrow. A few months ago, there were rumors of a collaboration between the two factions to take over Gotham, before accusations of betrayal.

If it wasn't for the lives being lost, Bruce would be grateful for their misunderstanding.

Still, a hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money for someone like Jason, and is most likely to draw the wrong attention.

"I'll give you five thousand," Bruce tells him.

"Out of a hundred? Are you really that cheap?" Jason snorts. "You roll around in a ride like this and can't even pay for information? Okay, I'll do you a favor and take seventy."

"Ten," Bruce counters.

"All you rich assholes like taking advantage of poor people," Jason grumbles angrily. When Bruce doesn't budge, he relents. "Fifty."

"Fifteen."

"Fifty," Jason repeats firmly.

"Alright, twenty five thousand dollars and that's my final offer."

"Deal!" Jason agrees immediately.

Bruce watches him spit on his palm before extending it to Bruce for a handshake.

"Come on," he urges when Bruce makes no attempt to shake his hand. "We gotta shake on it to seal the deal."

In the face of that logical argument, Bruce spits in his own hand before clasping it to Jason's in a handshake.

If Jason believes he has information that can help, then twenty five thousand dollars is not too much to pay someone who clearly needs it. The cash in the batmobile isn't up to the amount, but it should be enough to buy the time he would need to get the rest from the manor.

"Alright." He follows Jason's directions on where to park. "What's this information?"

"Wait here," Jason instructs him, undoing the seat belt. "I'll bring it to you."

Bruce gives Jason a minute head-start before he takes to the rooftops, to trail the young boy.

After a few twists and turns, he comes to a stop in front of a dilapidated building. A woman rushes out and pulls Jason into a hug.

"I've been looking all over for you!" she scolds. "Where were you? Chris said some man took you. Is that true?"

She is rail thin, her threadbare clothes hanging off her body, but she sounds genuinely distressed as she checks him for injuries.

"I'm fine, Mom," Jason says in comfort before shoving the food at her. "Look, I got us food and I found a way to get away from the men looking for dad."

The woman -- Jason's mom -- shoves the food back at him, before pulling him into an apartment with the door barely hanging on a hinge.

It's hard not to notice the woman's limp, or the way Jason supports some of her weight as they go.

Bruce takes a second to process everything.

Judging by the environment and what he's seen and heard, Jason isn't being abused, but he's in even more danger.

Whether he plans to pay off his father's debt with the money or not, Bruce knows he has to get mother and son away from this place before they end up as victims of mob violence. Whether Jason really does have information to sell or not.

With that, Bruce hops down to the street from his perch on the roof.

Despite how mindful he is of the door, the moment his fist to connects with the door, it falls off the hinge holding it in place, exposing Jason and his mother having either a very late dinner or a very early breakfast in their one bedroom apartment.

They both jump at the sight of him, and once realization dawns on them, their reactions are wildly different.

Jason's mom cowers with fear, shrinking into herself while attempting to wrap herself around her son, but Jason won't have it. He is livid.

"What the fuck, Batman!" the child hisses angrily. "I told you to wait for me."

"Jason, stop," his mother pleads, pulling Jason behind her.

The boy is unmoved. His mother's frailness is no match for his strength.

"You broke our door! Why the fuck would you do that?"

Despite his obvious anger, they're both careful not to raise their voices. Bruce imagines that getting a visit from Batman isn't a good thing in this neighborhood.

"Calm down," Bruce growls.

Both mother and son freeze where they stand.

"We didn't do nothing wrong, Batman," the lady tells him in a trembling voice. "If you're looking for my husband, we don't know where he is."

"I'm here for Jason," Bruce tells her, registering her distress just before he turns to Jason. "You were taking too long," he lies. "I wanted to make sure you were fine."

This seems to placate the boy a bit, but not his mother, who demands to know what the hell is going on.

Bruce watches silently as Jason explains his plans to his mother.

Apparently, his plan is to sell the information his father stole from Scarecrow to Batman, in exchange for money that will get them out of Crime Alley.

His mom doesn't look thrilled, but she lets Jason climb into the ceiling to retrieve what her husband had hidden there.

"You won't arrest him when you have what you want, will you?" she asks with a fierce look.

Bruce can't help but admire that about her. Not a lot of people have that look about them when Batman is staring them down.

Must be where Jason gets his spunk.

"Jason is a good boy," she continues. "He did a bad thing, but it was for a good reason. His heart is in the right place, I swear."

"Mrs Todd--" Bruce starts, but she interrupts him.

"Catherine."

"Catherine," he repeats. "I don't plan to arrest your son," he continues as calmly as Batman's voice will let him. "We made a deal and I intend to uphold my end."

"So you're just going to hand Jason twenty-five grand?" Catherine asks suspiciously. "Just like that?"

"Yes," he tells her simply. "But I don't have twenty-five thousand dollars in cash right now. I can give you a thousand tonight, and a safe place for the night. Seeing as I broke your door. Tomorrow, you will get the rest of the money and I will call someone to fix your door."

As he talks, he pulls out the bills from his utility belt and hands it to her.

Of course, he has no plans of letting them return here. But if he has learned anything from being Batman, it's that, sometimes, all some people have left is their pride.

Poor people hate being treated as charity.

Siccing Alfred on her would be more productive. All he has to do is make sure they meet. Dick would probably appreciate having someone young in the manor, too.

"And you swear Jason will be safe?" Catherine stresses, eyes flickering between the money and Bruce's face.

"I swear," he vows solemnly. That much, he can promise.

A few minutes later, Jason returns from the ceiling, an envelope clutched in his hand.

"Jason," Catherine calls softly, pulling him into her arms before he can give Bruce the envelope. "Baby, there's something I have to tell you about…"

[engagedtobefree]

I talked to Scott on the phone again last night, and now I'm worried. We talked for about 50 minutes and it was normal like our other phone conversations, except for a few things.

Scott told me I seemed kind of shy on Saturday, that I wasn't as talkative as I used to be. I can see what he meant; I had trouble making eye contact and I was really nervous. So I tell Scott I was just nervous and he said, "Oh, aight." I also wasn't flirty like I used to be, but only because I don't want to feed into any possible bad intentions. It's not how it was before when I felt more confidence about Scott's feelings toward me (though that certainly waxed and waned) and I was protected by being at work. Flirting now at my place could potentially lead somewhere.

Then I yawned, and I guess it sounded a little different cuz Scott asked me why I moaned. I tell him it was a yawn and then he said what sounded like, "idk, Dana." "What?" Then, to my surprise he responds with an, "Oh, Dana", making the "oh" sound moany. I instantly feel turned on. I almost respond with "are you the one moaning now?" but I stop myself and don't say anything back to him. I want to hear Scott's moans and sex noises, but I don't want to feed into this if all he is looking for is sex.

A few minutes later he mentions me in my "tight ass jeans and boots." I respond best I can, saying I do miss dressing up, and he says if he can make it over tomorrow (today, now) that maybe I could dress up for him. I tell him I can. Truthfully, most of my old jeans are too tight now since I gained weight and I haven't been able to lose anything yet. I have a pair I can probably wear though.

All of this makes me worried though. What if Scott really is just looking to have sex with me? What if that's all he wants? I can't tell because I notice things that could point to that or could point to him wanting something more. What if he doesn't only want sex and he just...can't help himself saying these things?

I'm terrified, not of Scott but of getting hurt. And if Scott were to hurt me in such a big way while I am pretty emotionally vulnerable and raw, idk how I'd handle it. I am still working on healing from past trauma with men and if another man were to hurt me right now, especially one I have my heart so invested in and am choosing to trust, idk what it would do to me.

I'm worried that I've waited all this time and hoped for a miracle just for Scott to come back only looking for one thing. This isn't what I waited for. I don't want to be called hot. Yeah, it's nice, but only sometimes; it just feels hollow hearing it over and over. I want Scott to also think I'm pretty. I want to date Scott. I've always wanted to date Scott. And while I want him in my bed, that's not how I want to start out. I know we already have an established relationship with each other, but I'd still like something more first.

Idk if I should bring it up to Scott if I see him tonight. Do I just come out and ask him what he wants and what his intentions are? I want to know, but at the same time I'm terrified of what the truth might be. What if he makes a move? That's going to be so hard for me because on one hand I'm going to really want it, and on the other hand it's not going to be how I want it. And if he makes a move, do I stop him and tell him I can't and tell him I don't want to get hurt, that I know we both are looking for different things? I can't just assume Scott only wants sex, but I need to protect myself. I'm also just at the tail end of my period, so I could always use that as an excuse, though he most likely won't care and I'd rather be honest than find an excuse.

I want to see Scott and I want him to come over, but now I'm also fearful of it. I will be away next weekend, so if I can't see him tonight I'm going to keep worrying about this for several more weeks. And that's just assuming I do get some sort of answer tonight. But how can I hide my nervousness? Normally, I can fake things fairly well when I want to, so unless someone really knows me and my energy, I could get away with faking being okay. I don't think that's gonna work with Scott though. He knows me and he can tell when something is off. It doesn't hurt to try, but I'm not confident at all that he won't be able to see right through it.

But then there's the other side of things.

I keep thinking about Scott saying, "Yeah, me too." when I said I want to consciously choose someone who I truly want to be with. Does Scott really want a relationship? How long has it been since he consciously made a decision to be with someone he wants? How long has it been since he followed his heart and went after what he wanted instead of what he thought was the right thing to do? Am I what he wants? When he stops to listen to his heart, does it tell him to make his way back to me? I have many questions about his response to me.

I also have doubts about my doubts. If Scott only wanted one thing then why would he talk on the phone with me every weekend and for long periods of time? Why compliment me in other ways and show his interest in what I have to say? Why open up to me about things when naturally he's very guarded? Why say that he missed me? Granted, that could all be a ploy to reel me in, but I don't think Scott is that deceptive, especially because he knows I'm into him so he wouldn't have to make all of these efforts. Also, why apologize for being a dick and hurting me, only to turn around and act that way and do it again? I mean, I have had men do that same thing to me on two different occasions, but I can't judge Scott by what other men have done. That wouldn't be fair. And Scott also asked me if I'm currently seeing someone or have a boyfriend. Why ask that if he just wants sex? Why should he care whether I cheat or not if I was with someone if he just wanted sex from me?

I also wonder why Scott was so surprised when he found out I haven't dated because of my feelings for him. Does he not think someone could have such strong feelings for him or that he's not worth waiting for? Does he really think I dated during the time we've known each other? Or maybe thought I did after he left?

I feel so lonely with all of these thoughts. I had my therapy session on Tuesday and I went over a few things, but since my conversation with Scott last night, more has come up. Who else can I go to? I wouldn't go to any close or casual friends with this, and if I told my best friends, I know they wouldn't be very happy that I even let Scott through my door. Even if I did ask for someone's advice, they can't tell me what the right thing to do would be. I am completely alone with this.

I hope this isn't a losing game. I want to be treated right, as it's been such a very, very long time since I have been, and even then, it didn't last forever. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

Also, the sun right now is inconjunt/quincunx my natal Saturn -__- like why did this have to happen right now, on the weekend?

Also, I follow YouTube and Instagram tarot accounts and they're always super accurate for me, but I figured I'll post one just this time on here since it's so related to this. I watched this video after I wrote all of the above stuff. I usually only choose one deck with the YouTube readings, but occasionally two decks will have equal energy, which occurred this time.

Group #2 - go with the flow and blend in to catch people in off-guard moments to see who they truly are. Observe them and listen more (as a Libra, I can very much get quiet and simply observe, which I have been doing with Scott). You are too tired to be in the spotlight and need time for privacy with your love life, not telling friends or family about it. You don't want to put yourself out there and invest in someone to realize this person was with you for the wrong reasons. You are not over-sharing at this time. You value yourself and don't want to get hurt, so you're guarding your heart. You're still open, but just getting to know someone. You know how far to go and when to protect yourself. You don't want to make the same mistakes like you did in the past. You want clarity and guidance. Someone may behave in a stupid manner and may try to play you, thinking they're smarter. However there is an opportunity with a dark male, whatever that means for you. This is more about energy than physical appearance, and could just be someone with a lot of masculine energy. You are highly desirable so this man wants to be closer to you. This person wants longevity with you, not a whirlwind affair. You need to let your wall down a little bit to let them know you're into them as they may question it and get insecure. Only do this when you're sure of who they are and their intentions. They are adventurous and spontaneous, and they may try to show off how cool they are. They may get clumsy and nervous though. You might have commitment-phobia and might want to run or self-sabotage. Avoid this. Someone will be offering genuine love and interest, so do not worry. Surround yourself with love and spend quality time with others in your life where you can let your guard down.

Group #3 - an earth sign (Scott is a Capricorn) is here as a romantic connection. It's only a matter of time before you connect and sparks fly and you know you're for one another (I'd like to stay sober now to really feel out his energy and the energy of our connection). They are very promising. Do not pre-judge this person and give them a fair chance. Don't jump to conclusions. Allow them the chance to prove they're trustworthy and worthy of being a part of your life in a romantic sense. Stick to making progress with other areas of your life. Someone you know is not dependable and sincere, so don't trust in confiding with someone else about this situation. They might be jealous (I can see this being my mom, as she gets very jealous whenever I am with other people). You may feel like something is lacking in your life, maybe caused by someone else. Someone may leave your life as this new person enters. You will be happy this person leaves. Be aware of any future problems, there will be signs from the universe. Zesty energy, emotion, and passion is coming. Your guides are trying to protect you from yourself. Don't let your anger take over or you'll be sorry. Try not to be triggered by others. You're being called to take yourself on a date and spend money on yourself. Remember to practice self-love. You can only feel fulfilled in your love life if you feel fulfilled in yourself first. Others may set their own expectations for your love life. Don't seek others approval. Remind yourself we are not separate from each other. We are all energy. Don't be judgmental just as you don't want to be judged. Your love life will be full of generosity and spending time together. Your dreams can become your reality, but you need to make the effort. (I feel like maybe I need to focus on my healing more often than I am). Put yourself out there. (ugh. Scary). Someone is feeling like it's time to let go of holding on too deeply and may not think you'll ever end up together. Could be someone you friend-zoned and they will finally give up on you and see you moving on. (I've friend-zoned quite a few people, so it's possible).

So yeah, I guess July has a lot of potential, and both readings were scary-accurate for how I'm currently feeling and perceiving things. So either Scott is out to deceive me or he has really good intentions. Guess I'll find out soon.

[fweaks40]

Book Review of Your Care Plan: A Nurses' Guide to Healthy Living

Julia Buss, saysit best in her book, Your Care Plan, when she said, "Medical caretakers are beyond question specialists at really focusing on others, yet are not generally specialists at caring for themselves." Bay Area Brand Videographer

Julia's book utilizes the layout. Choose.

"D= Detect in the event that you disapprove of your way of life.

E= Estimate how might affect you. You could be putting yourself in danger for genuine disease, or even unexpected passing.

C= Choose your result. Would you like to get thinner, or practice or both?

I= Identify what you will do to make changes.

D= Do it.

E= Evaluate your advancement. Celebrate and award yourself" (page 5).

I enjoyed the self evaluation in the section, Detect your concern. She offers the right responses front and center. Actually, it assists me with having the appropriate responses after I do the self test. That way I'm not one-sided by what the appropriate response ought to be - yet am truly noting how it is intended for me.

Julia offers seven incredible inquiries for you to think about. Space to compose the responses to the contemplative inquiries would have been useful to me. I like to return later and perceive how I've changed or developed or recognize in case I'm actually doing what I've generally done (be it solid or unfortunate).

In the section named, Estimate the Risk, Buss audits the terrifying realities of overweight - corpulence, idleness, abundance liquor, and tobacco use and openness to used smoke. I would urge perusers to write in the current date and add their weight file (BMI) and their midriff estimations not too far off is the book on page 19. Then, at that point in one, three, six, nine months and one year return to the book and see the improvement have made by following your consideration plan. Julia has a far reaching yet concise posting and clarification of the multitude of dangers of the four regions tended to. It is edifying to allow the peruser to list the ones he/she can consider and afterward add the data. As medical attendants' we know the data anyway it would serve to support any dangers we don't promptly think about when settling on life choices.

Our Bodies, Our Behaviors, and the Environment, surveys hereditary qualities, epigenetics (natural impacts) organic chemistry, stress, image (social impacts) and our environmental elements are investigated. I was new to the expression "image" so discovered this data extremely fascinating and useful.

Julia audits the rules and the primary concerns environmental factors food, sugar, starches, fiber, salt, fats, protein, meat, water, supplements, natural, fish, chocolate (my undisputed top choice), exercise, liquor and tobacco. She has chosen the most fitting hotspots for the rules and has attempted to make them significant by giving guides to make an interpretation of the rules into lay terms.

The sugar data is ample, similar to our utilization and provoked me to peruse the marks on various things in my cooler and cupboards. The fiber rule of "14 grams for every 1,000 calories burned-through" for me required an extra model as I can't exactly picture what that is advising me. Since I'm a veggie lover I realize that I get a lot of fiber however as a medical caretaker I experience issues making an interpretation of this to customers/patients. She makes reference to the Monterey Bay Aquarium's site as having an accommodating aide on fish. Here is the url for the site:

The following section, Take Action for Health presents a similarity that is imaginative and intriguing. Thinking about your body and your decisions during your life as a pilot contemplates his plane and his security during his flight. Julia talks about our individual decisions and urges perusers to record in a scratch pad. This is an amazing procedure as I find that recording things truly assists you with recognizing the issue and assists you with meeting your objectives in the event that you distinguish regions requiring change.

Concerning exercise rules and primary concerns I observe the pedometer to be a truly significant instrument to assist individuals with acquiring more exercise in their life. Estimating steps energizes and spur taking considerably more.

Buss proposes incredible thoughts, my idea is to dispense with, "attempt". I find that when individuals say they are going to "attempt to shed pounds", or "attempt to stop smoking", or "attempt to..." they are really saying, "No". By basically disposing of "attempt" the suggestions are more straightforward and incredible. For instance, "...take time for yourself,...Share the training of...Use another formula... on page 93 rather than "attempt to take some time,...try sharing the practice...try another formula".

For stress decrease at home or at work I would unequivocally suggest utilizing the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) offered by your manager on the off chance that one exists. I have discovered this incredibly significant. Likewise, conversing with the Human Resources expert may likewise be compelling in the event that you have business related issues that you need help with settling.

Buss incorporates simple plans and as a non cook I do accept these to be simple as well as speedy. For medical caretakers in the wake of a monotonous day at work, ordinarily 12 hours, it's ideal to have the option to return home and make a speedy and simple feast, and a delectable one at that.

Obviously as a non cook - I need a little explanation. Am I truly searching for stones (as in rocks) or lentils that have solidified. I likewise need to know sweating an onion - is that like sauté. As you can see-I genuinely am not a cook!

Julia's partners have taken part through formula entries and Jean's brief pea and mint soup sounds flawless. I will submit it to the cooks where I work and check whether they'll check it out.

The noodle soup sounds divine with udon noodles, vegetable stock, low sodium soy sauce, sesame oil, shitake mushrooms and tofu. Awesome! As a vegan I'm continually searching for plans that offer veggie lover alternatives. On the off chance that you lean toward you can utilize chicken stock. I will attempt this formula this end of the week simply need to get some sesame oil and shitake mushrooms.

Under plates of mixed greens Julia offers two of her #1 serving of mixed greens dressings. Balsamic and olive oil and Lemon and olive oil. According to an altering point of view I would have put the two serving of mixed greens dressings in total agreement as the lemon and olive oil is on the following page with green plate of mixed greens and beet salad. Or on the other hand numbered them. The two dressings sound light, yummy and solid.

In this day of pre-arranged food varieties she has a simple pasta with pureed tomatoes. So rather than purchasing containers of Prego or Classico this pureed tomatoes would be new and unique.

Under pastries she suggests an organic product salad. My extra proposal is to freeze new organic products throughout the mid year and afterward throw them frozen into a serving bowl. Eat them for dessert after they have thawed out on your table. In addition to the fact that they are heavenly they make a flawless highlight on your table while they thaw out with every one of the shades of the berries, peaches,...using whatever organic products you like.

Buss' assets are fantastic and far reaching. I learned of two destinations that I was new to. I have now added them to my own asset list.

All through the book the photos are pleasantly done and add to the awesome show of each page.

Julia likewise tosses in some fun United Kingdom idioms, for example, has now and really grasped (page 35) , brimming with beans (page 96) and sprinkling out on a meat thermometer (page 127) which adds her novel voice to a reality filled book.

By and large, I thought this was elegantly composed, brimming with extraordinary data, and an asset that medical attendants can use in their own life just as offer with others. Non medical caretakers will discover this book accommodating just as they find out about solid decisions they can make.

Kay Rosenthal PhD, RN Director Options for Healthy Living Inc. offers wellbeing schooling programs and explored this book and thought that it is extremely enlightening and supportive actually and expertly. Julia Buss RN, MS is the writer of Your Care Plan: A medical caretaker's manual for sound living, which was checked on by Kay Rosenthal in the above article.

[fairycosmos]

But I promise I not going to harm myself right now. I just wanted help giving my valuables away, writing any letters to explain and apologize. That sort of stuff. And I can't find anywhere and since I don't even have a room if I kill myself it'll deadass leave a huge mess in my sisters apt & she already hates it when I make a slight mess. Idk I'm just trying not to be the bad guy. I know suicide isn't the answer but idk what the answer is and I'm not cut out for life. I'm just not.

hey, it’s okay. you’re not the bad guy here, seriously. it’s not your fault you’re going through this - it’s not like you can control your thoughts, it’s not like you chose to have depression. i just really really don’t want to see you throw all of this away purely because of what your perception of yourself and the world is right now. you’re still so young, and you don’t need to have everything figured out right this second. it’s okay to take this one step at a time. it’s okay to cry and to be upset and to break down sometimes. but it’s NOT okay to kill yourself. don’t even entertain the idea of it is an option, don’t give it the power to manifest itself as a tangible thing. if you keep telling yourself that you’re not cut out for life then you are going to start believing it, but the reality of it is that nobody really is. nobody knows what they’re doing, nobody is 100% happy all of the time, nobody never freaks out or loses their cool. we are all just trying our best, and that’s all you need to do. sometimes ‘your best’ will be making it out of bed, sometimes not even that. and it’s alright, whatever happens, as long as you make it through then you are doing more than enough. maybe you feel like you’re not cut out for everything, but you are entirely capable of making it through the day, and that’s genuinely all you need to ask of yourself. every moment you get through is an achievement, it’s proof that you are able to keep going. all of the hardships you’ve been through in the past were not for nothing. you didn’t handle all of that just to commit suicide in the end, i’m serious.you said you’ve been contemplating this for months, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow through with it, and it doesn’t make it a valid thing to do just because you’ve thought about it a lot. you are so much stronger than you think you are, and i know you don’t see the resilience that i see in you but it’s still there. it might take a while before you realize it, but you have to at least give yourself that chance. please, please don’t make any decisions that are based on feelings and thoughts that are not permanent. it’s not worth it. that’s what it comes down to, it’s not worth it.

i’m sorry to hear that you’ve had bad experiences with therapy. i get that it can be really off putting to ask for help and to have it thrown back in your face. but you have to know that there are other options, that there is a way around it. my friend had to try at least 3 different therapists before she found the right match, and it’s okay to do that. it’s alright to feel it out and to see what works best for you. there also many independent mental health organizations that can offer a different type of guidance/support, i’m sure you could find some in your area if you googled it. i get that it feels like a lot of effort, especially when you don’t even want to be here. but before you even think about giving up, it’s only fair that you try with everything you have in you to fight for your own life. this is clearly an extremely dark and difficult time, but you need to understand on a really deep level that it isn’t going to be this way forever. i get that it sounds like bullshit and that i sound like a broken record, i just really want you to see that you’re supposed to be here. you exist, and you have an inherent worth because of it. at the end of the day, it’s not necessarily about how many people are going to miss you (tho i can guarantee it’s a LOT more than you think it is.) your worth doesn’t come from other people and what they think of you. it’s honestly just about how MUCH it’s going to impact those that do love you and care about you, such as your sister and your mother. it doesn’t matter if you write them a note or what you leave behind in the grand scheme of things, because it’s not going to change the fact that you’ll be gone. and they’re going to be in pain for the rest of their lives over what they could’ve done to help you - so if you can’t make it easier for yourself, make it easier for them. talk to them, tell them you need help. separate your anxious/depressed thoughts from those that are rational and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective. it’s not impossible to reach out, not even close. you can do it. you can make the conscious choice to stay alive. right now, all you need to do is worry about getting to the next minute. and you’ve managed to do that so far, so i know you are capable of doing so. it’s just a question of whether or not you know it.

like i said before, i can’t sit here and recommend ways to make it easier for your family if you were to take your own life. i genuinely can’t bring myself to do that, and not just because it’s virtually impossible but because i can’t allow you to think that what you’re thinking of doing is rational or right. you know that suicide isn’t the answer, and that’s a really good sign. right now, the ‘answer’ is just looking for professional help in a way that suits you, and getting from one moment to the next. that’s all it is, love. and i know it really feels like you can’t do it. but you can, and that’s the thing. that’s why it’s going to hurt everyone if you don’t. look, your mind might be telling you over n over again to give up, but those thoughts have no weight or baring on reality unless you give them that power. unless you let them dictate you. you control what you do next. you decide where you from here, and how this plays out, and whether or not your family is going to be irreparably broken. i know this isn’t the answer you’re looking for, trust me. i’m more than aware that you’re set into this mindset, but i’m not going to give up on you even if you want to give up on yourself. there’s always a way forward, there’s always a glimmer of hope. tell your family what’s going on if you haven’t already. keep your head up, look into the options that you do have. and stop telling yourself that you’re a lost cause. you haven’t even had the chance to properly fuck up your life yet, man. i mean it. you still have so much time to do the right thing. i’m going to leave some links/resources that might help a little. check them out if you have the time. again, i’m always here if you need someone to talk to. i care, and i’ll listen. you’re not alone.

https://www.thehopeline.com/cruel-consequences-suicide

https://nobullying.com/suicide-is-not-the-answer/

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/suicidal-thoughts

https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2014/05/14/coping-statements/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201204/fighting-suicidal-thoughts

http://imwiththeclouds.tumblr.com/post/38347319557/100-reasons-to-why-you-shouldnt-commit-suicide

https://psychcentral.com/lib/where-to-get-help-for-depression/

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/didnt-kill-shouldnt-either/