prajwalb4u-blog

[lokh]

oh my god. ive been on t for 3 years and 3 months???????????

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Post appointment rambles

Today was a bit of a wake up call. I knew that this last week or so I had been having a bit of a tough time but I think the session today really highlighted how much I have been struggling/how much control anorexia has had. 

It took a few attempts to go into the Costa today (note: this was not the usual Costa yay for challenging certain rules), I spent a good long time faffing about what to get (I had let E decide on where to go for lunch today as I just couldn’t make a decision), however with the support of E we talked through the options and then, after a bit of a step outside (which included me saying that “I couldn’t do it” that it “all felt too much”), and a good pep talk from E, I went back in, picked up the sandwich, paid for it and ate it. It broke so many rules in my head and I am not going to lie, I felt pretty rubbish about it and still do but I did it and I need to ride this wave out. Keep repeating to self: FATS ARE FRIENDS.

I think E sensed straight away that something was up when we met. I feel extremely flat and low today along with a mix of muddled/sad and anxious, how lovely eh?

After we had eaten lunch, we sat and talked through the past week and meal plans etc:

Firstly E said I need to stop being so hard on myself. Over the past month I have made so many changes and I need to take a step back and remind myself of that. The simple fact that we sat and ate a sandwich in Costa today shows how much HAS and IS changing (I wouldn’t even have done this before I went to NZ/ever before in my recovery attempts). SO HATS OFF TO KITTY.

We talked through the frustration/sadness/hopeless feelings and she tried to remind me that these things were stemming from anorexia because it was getting mad that I am actually fighting against it. Despite what it says I am taking a different path (even if it feels like I am going down the safe road at times I am beginning to edge down the scarier/less controlled option), and it is going to try and pipe up and stop me from pushing forwards - “know your enemy”. 

I need to stop beating myself up though; it is all anorexia trying to stop me and hold me back and stop me from getting better/getting to uni/moving on with my life. I NEED TO GET MAD AT IT. And, as E kept saying, “listen to what it says and then do the exact opposite”

Anyway, meal plan wise we talked through the last week and it was hard to do but I know it needed to be done. Anorexia has had A LOT of control and this was evident in the “bittiness” that can be seen throughout my food diary. The little bits here and there. The putting off of changes. The missing of increases. The corners cut...

We talked about a few strategies for helping “in the moment” as I am great at talking and planning and reflecting but it is the moment when I struggle most. So I am going to write out a few flash cards as well as try to stop myself and take a step back, pick up my journal and write about the feelings/thoughts for 5 minutes if I feel myself getting too caught up in the moment/finding decisions tough. 

Decisions have been a big stumbling block this past week (I couldn’t even decide where to sit in Costa today and kept changing my mind whilst waiting for E to pay, I think that sums things up a bit.) so keeping it simple is essential.

I voiced some of my frustration/things I have been bottling up as well as talking about how things have been with mum and dad (mum has been ill this last week which has been hard) 

Oh and we also talked about hunger as, god it is hard to admit but I have been getting so hungry recently...

So plan/action:

We sat and wrote out my meal plan in the most SIMPLISTIC of ways - this week I really need to work on getting rid of the bittiness that has sneaked back in (it feeds into anorexia a lot).

This weeks increases are the same as last week as I didn’t get any of them in (sorry). So tomorrow I am to add in the toast and spread to breakfast as well as another item to lunch. She reiterated how there is no point dragging it all out. I just have to do it tomorrow and get through it one day at a time. I have the things in the house, I have it all ready, it’s all been planned - now comes the ACTION.

My homework is to write out the meal plan in the most simple way possible this evening, share it with mum and then stick. to. it. 

KEEP IT SIMPLE.

New flash cards for increases - “why is this important?”, reminders, motivations etc.

We also talked about trying to stick to RANGES and MINIMUMS. My meal plan is a MINIMUM, not a MAXIMUM and it is perfectly normal to have a little more one day and a little less the next - she really wants to help me with working away from such obsessive calorie counting. 

I am also going to talk to mum about things; I have been pushing her away a lot this past week and I spoke to E about this today. It’s been really hard this week as anorexia was in control and thus I have been very stuck in my own head and the people around me away. E thinks I need to check in with mum once a day just to make sure I am on track meal plan wise and just talk a bit more about things. I am hesitant to do this but I know it will be for the best. I also need to be honest with mum about what helps/what doesn’t help. Some things she has said and done recently have not been helpful but she doesn’t know if I am not honest with her. It is not HER that is a problem, it is the illness twisting everything. She has been so amazing recently, so so amazing, more than I can say, but with being ill this week (not her fault in the slightest) it has meant that we have both been, let’s just say, not in the best of places/very sensitive. 

I think that is about it, well it’s all I can currently remember. I am exhausted and feeling very tired and low and sad but I am holding on and I need to give myself a bit more credit for that. I have a lot of support around me right now and I need to keep using it. I need to keep talking, keep focused and use my distractions to be as kind to myself as I can. Much easier said than done but I know I can’t keep putting all of this off. I need to stick to my meal plan. No negotiations. Come on Kitty, remember all that you spoke to E about today, she is right, you have made great progress this last month and you do have it within you to keep making it. It’s time to have a bit more faith in yourself; you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.