#but i would like to be better and i guess im just scared of doing it on my own | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sundial-bee-scribbles · 20 days

Text

trying to psych myself up to finally do oc refs by doing fandom-related refs instead: volume 1

wanted to update my yuma from whatever tf this au is so he was a bit more unique... takes inspo from a lot of different things while also trying to be its own sorta thing? which is fitting given the au ;)

bonus chibi now that i'm also figuring out how tf to do chibis lol:

#my art lol #synth v yuma #yuma synthv #synth v #synthv fanart #synthesizer v #vocaloid #vocaloid fanart #YES I KNOW ITS DIFFERENT but at this rate its the umbrella tag. all vsynth shit goes under there just like on main 😔#sorry for the annoyign watermarks i just dont want this to get stolennn/traced it'll b my joker arc. is2g #like thats never happened to me before as far as i know but now that my art is getting 'better' i begin to get scared that it will happen #if my fanart got stolen i'd def sting a little yeah but not hurt AS bad as if someone stole my original shit. THAT would hurt #one of many reasons why i post less personal oc stuffs. although as mentioned above i AM in an oc mood so i wanna draw em maybe...#and stuff like this is a step to develop a PROPER FUCKING REF STYLE bc i SUCKKKK AT MAKING REFS LOL 😭 BUT I SHOULD GIT GUD #i have a few other refs planned for vocaloid au (i guess???) related shit but they're not done yet. this one was also a wip that i just??#impulsively decided to redo & finish bc i wanted to draw but nothing else i was trying to draw came out right. advantages of many wips #i have SOOO many things i could say abt some of the things that went into this redesign but i dont wanna come off as pretentious 😔💔#obviously it was primarily inspired by the vimalion yuma design but. there's moreeee that i can't explain here bc tag limits and im shy #i do think i want to try and be more intentional with my character designs now so i'm seeing how that goes as i redesign some old ocs #man though this kind of stuff makes me remember i used to LOVEE doing this stuff. and now its even crazierr given art improvement #uaurhghh my head is buzzing w/. so many thoughts. THIS ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPENS I GET SO MANY IDEAS WHEN IM BUSY GFD #this is actually from today though unlike some other things i might eventually post. that'll make more sense soon #and fuckkk i forgot the chain necklace thing on the chibi yeah but i couldnt get it to look good. whatever

11 notes · View notes

skaluli · 1 year

Text

"this wulf fellow has choice language"

#artluli #tf2 #i dont really like how this turned out its really bad #added shading to try and make it better but it looks worse but i guess ill post it anyway i suppose #if youre wondering why im sweating its because im terrified of playing online multiplayer games #that might sound weirdly specific but dude it gives me so so so much anxiety #ive been wanting to play more but i cant bring myself to do it because im too scared #“scared of what skaluli” the people and how well i perform #i would rather play a horror game because that shit doesnt scare me as much as fearing judgement of the people i play with because im shit #i know i shouldnt care what other people think and should just try and have fun but god this shit is scary #before anyone says anything i turned off voice chat straight away when i downloaded it thank god thats an option #but even without hearing their voices i feel like i can still hear their thoughts and judgement and anger #it took hours of trying to convince myself and then someone else telling me ill be okay just to play the game for a little bit #and when i got to leave i felt like i was having a fucking anxiety attack #anyway i really like this game but im way too scared to play it! which is fucking stupid that thats even a reason

15 notes · View notes

steampoweredskeleton · 9 months

Text

.

Ignore

#delete later #i have three medical appointments in the work day in the next three weeks #one on Thursday then two mid/late January and i know that its good bc i need these appointments but i get so #anxious that ppl ay work are mad at me for having so many #im also scared about thirsdays one bc its for my ankle and hand pain and ironically the hand is way better and the ankle is also #more stable. something clicked again a couple days ago and fixed the pain in half of ky foot. no idea what happened there but #the click itself hirt like a bitch which is new. most of my pain doesnt start with a click and most clicks are painless #so fun #im just in a permanent state of being afraid i wont be taken seriously. my physio wanted a scan on my foot so om gonna #relay that but like idk what theyre gonna say. also if they do want to swnd me for a scan that's gpnna be ANOTHER appointment #so fuck me i guess. at the very leasy its not like severe psin any more so they wont send me to a and e for an x ray like they did #with my hip that one time. that would fucking suck to explain tp my manager #hey julia im fine but ive been sent ro rhe hospital for a scan so i guess ill be back when im back?#fuck me im anxious. and i hace so much apprenticeship work tp do i want to scream #also was distracted by my aching hands bc often they just ache abd successfully triggered myself so bow time to play what #is actual acge and what is remembered ache oh joy #one of the other appointments is gender clinic appointment abd im hoping to get referred for top surgery now ive been on t #for 9 months. waiting list gonna be like four fucking years but debating saving like mad abd going private bc jesus Christ #i cant bind bc of sensory problems and constantly aching ribs and last time i taped i ripped chunks of skin off so kinda #think i shouldn't do that again but like it sucks. not as bad now that my voice is dropping abd shit but still not fun #we'll see!

6 notes · View notes

timegears-moved · 1 year

Text

lol

#dl #i consider him a friend but man i can't wait for my flatmate to get his own place #im always so scared that i have to walk on eggshells around him whenever he's in a bad mood because he used to take it out on me by #getting angry. and like he genuinely has gotten better about it over the past couple of years and i do feel for what he's going through rn #but hgghh i guess i never truly got over that fear for when he's down #also it feels like he resents me whenever things aren't going okay for him but are going well for me #and he just shuts me out completely. but he stays in the fucking living room all the time so it feels like im not welcome in my own home #also also i cant wait for him to move out just because it would make vc so much easier (<- autistic guy that struggles with volume control)

9 notes · View notes

whomturgled · 1 year

Text

i have so many feelings and i hate it

#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and #and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and #i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me.#i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and #its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine #and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like #be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work #even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much #and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea #and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an #auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them #i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk.#theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk #i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all #i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but #ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u #ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are #i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too #but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and.#urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf #i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc #like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk #i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can #like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and #more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff #i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m #bc i get to decide that :^(#when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk.#theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh

5 notes · View notes

haemosexuality · 1 year

Text

these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone

#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably #bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice #and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me #bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to #did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others?#no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really #likeable. so ill take what i can get #when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start.#treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember #this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend #will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and #now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen #years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow?#when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her #to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all #and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things #and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk #to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl #because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant #connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just #not have anyone forever #i guess #especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks #Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the #gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl #and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively #and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday-#anyways. certified magnus archives moment

3 notes · View notes

jeezypetes · 2 years

Text

Ahhhh the job I thought i didn’t get bc they never got back to me after my interview (which I thought went really well) just reached out to me bc apparently the person they tried to hire backed out.,.. and now its gonna be like another month of wondering if I’m gonna have to decide if I want to move to another state where I don’t know anyone. And i was kind of relieved when i never heard back bc I’m really happy here with my family and gf and friends but the fact is my job here is a contract with very slim hopes of developing into a real job with benefits and i live with my parents bc i love them and our house and our town but i know i have to seriously consider this opportunity bc it would be a good career move and i want to live a rich and interesting life. But I don’t want to talk about it with anyone irl because my dad has covid which has been my number 1 fear since the start of the pandemic (he’s 71 and immunocompromised but he’s doing well and not needed the hospital) and I just want to be able to only worry about that I can’t even talk about the job thing which i drove myself and everyone around me crazy with already back in October. Which is why I’m just posting it vjfdhk I’m being tormented by forces beyond my control i feel like this is the sort of thing it would be really helpful to believe in God about

#like people who say He has a plan which i guess is comforting but his plans are so inscrutable they may as well be random. but some people #think he wants the best for us??? which seems so unlikely to me I can’t even try to believe it #anyways i think my dad willbe fine but I’m worried about long term health issues which would make it really really hard to move away bc my #mom is already basically disabled. and i want the house I want it so bad but I can’t afford to buy it from them bc our neighborhood has #gotten sooo much more expensive then it was when they moved here in the 80s and i know they’re planning on selling it to fund their #retirement. but i love it here so much I want to live here forever and die here but its not realistic and maybe it would be easier if i #moved away and put down roots somewhere else and then it will be less painful when they sell the house and less painful when they die #i just want things ro stay likethis forever I’ve #spent so much time these past few years walking around this neighborhood its like the veins in my arms i can live other places i have for #years but they never get this deep im so scared for the futuy #future but there’s absolutely nothing i can do to stop it. except kill myself i guess but it’s #not nearly at that point yet ckgdf it would make a lot of people very upset. it is sort of comforting to remember though i have that option.#god i hope they don’t offer me the job I’m a wreck just thinking about it #i really haven’t made any special efforts to reach out to them or anything. obv I wasn’t their first choice i have no idea if I’m their #second. i think they really liked me but I’m guessing im younger and less experienced than other candidates #hi if ur reading this btw its me a stranger on the internet and you know something my closest friends and family don’t know. congrats #I’ll talk to someone in a few days when my dad is feeling better. really hope my mom doesn’t get sick too she’s been coughing a bit but #testing negative. idc if i get covid i actually hope i get it bc that will prove I didn’t give it to my dad asymptotically #that’s not a secret i toldmy mom she was like jesus Christ don’t think like that

7 notes · View notes

pepprs · 2 years

Text

meant to post abt this yesterday and ik it’s kinda mean but i think the counselor i have rn is the worst one ive ever had possibly even worse than (or tied w) the one i had over the summer who kept ending our sessions well before the full hour was up when i was going thru a horrible time and kept spending the sessions mostly talking abt herself and her own problems. actually no now that i write that out she was probably the worst (though she was one of the warmest / nicest and our personalities meshedreally well so i feel bad saying that she was the worst). but the one i have now is so…. lke idk. my experience w the worst counselor made me rly want to work w a clinical intern again bc i wanted someone who would like. actuallytake things seriously and give me the time i was paying for and spend all of it talki ng abt the things i was paying to talk abt and draw from the most recent / cutting edge info instead of entirely personal experience (WHICH AGAIN I FEEL SO BAD ABT BECAUSE. my work is all abt healing each other by sharing things like that and i realt did like her but it just wasn’t appropriate i guess bc it was a counseling relationship!) but my current counselor is so… rigid and restrictive. like i think he is trying too hard to apply what he’s being taught and he seems like nervous and talking out of his ass and he masks that by taking up SO much space and spending like 3 minutes responding to every one minute i talk and literally like strongarmimg the convos and deciding what we’re going to talk about and moving us on to a new topic abruptly before i feel ready to move on and like taking time out of our sessions to do paperwork / admin stuff so he doesn’t forget later (and a lot of the time i think he’s doing it while im talking bc i see his eyes moving around his screen and the light on his face like he’s not even listening to me). and it fucking sucks. i want to crack him like an egg so bad and make him realize it doesn’t have to be this way but i know that’s not my responsibility and in our session last night i basically gave up trying to create enough space for myself and just let him steer things bc i was having side effects and it was just rly unsatisfying

#purrs #i know it is entirely within my right to address these things both for my sake and for his / his future clients but im so scared lol like i #don’t want to tell him he’s doing a bad job and making it hard for me to navigate but literally when you keep steamrolling and silencing me #and cutting me off and forcing me around… yeah. also he has to record our sessions and show them to his profs / supervisors and it’s so like #idk. ive been recorded in sessions before and im totally fine w it but there’s 2 things abt this specific instance of it thst distress and #annoy me. 1) when we sign on to our session he says like 2 things to me then starts the recording and is TOTALLY fake and forcing it like #hello tess welcome to our session and he’ll repeat some of the stuff he said but in a more like.. extensive way so it just feels rly fake #to me lol. WHICH ALSO REMINDS ME 1.5) not related to the recording but every time he asks me questions he asks like… 3 questions but doesn’t #give me space to answer the two like it’s just a bridge for him as he&/ working his way to the thing he actually wants to ask me and i #fucking hate when ppl ask me questions and then answer them themselves or like don’t want to hear the answer. i had 2 profs like that in #brighton and it fucking pissed me offff so being around someone who does that again is rly agitating ik it’s just a nervous habit but yeah.#and 2) i am kinda concerned that none of my counselors profs or supervisors have seemed to call him on how he doesn’t give me space or let #me guide the convo. like idk maybe it’s just that all of my counselors before him were too loose w me but i feel like it s not supposed to f #feel this rigid and i am kinda scared abt the implications of no one actually watching these recordings and see how i try to speak but he #almost always talks over me and i just give up. lol. i like him he’s a nice person i just think he’s nervous and trying too hard and it #would be passable for like.. the little kid clients who usually go there but it doesn’t feel good for me a 23 year old who has had like what #6 counselors before him all of whom gave me space and didn’t shove me around. i miss the counselors i had from oct 2020 - jul 2021 and sept #2021 - feb 2022 they were the best ever and i am inches away from terminating here and just trying to go to wherever they are full time now #and working w them again bc they rly got me and i didn’t know how good i had it lol. i guess i don’t need someone as good anymore bc things #in my life are objectively better than they were during those times but my mental health is still bad so i would uhhh… like someone good #and don’t think that’s too much to ask and need to get it into my head that i CAN ask it. ok rant over #*no one actually watching the recordings has seen / pointed out to him how he steamrolls me etc etc

11 notes · View notes

dreamingticklee · 7 months

Text

thinky thoughts

#is there any like...brain science or ways to explain my discomfort of the thought of being in a ler/dom position?#like it's not even just a preference thing where i could still do both but a genuine discomfort at even being slightly perceived that way #to the point where if so i feel like id start crying #and it doesn't feel like it's a thing of just me being scared or not knowing how #it feels completely against my nature and where i feel safe in that kind of dynamic #even if said in a jokey way to me that im being dommy or that im secretly a switch would give me that kind of ick feeling #similarly to me being ace and someone saying to me that ill want to someday and “just haven't found the right one yet”#and idk why it feels so important to me to feel like i can have a better explanation other than that it's just not me #probably guilt/fear of judgment #but it doesn't feel like it's ever something id grow into or get used to #and that's with anything #not just about tickling #which is it's own separate thing too #and i mean while *yes* i absolutely love being tickled so much it's not just a case of me wanting to be tickled so bad that i dont wanna le #it's also that the idea of *me* being thought of as the ler role makes me so uneasy and want to panic #and i dont know if there's anything to pinpoint to those feelings other than that it's just not me #just something in my brain chemistry i guess #if there's any type of psychological studies for this type of thing then sign me the fuck up #i wanna know how my brain works

0 notes

rewrentless · 1 year

Text

.

#i am not doing well #i overheard my parents the other night talking about how they dont accept me that they dont believe in nonbinary genders and how they #hate it so much #ive been out for 6 years and i know they struggle to understand especially my dad but my mum has always said she supports and accepts me #she helped me legally change my name and said her and my dad would pay for my top surgery if it ever happened #shes always doing research and asking questions so i thought she understood at least a little #i feel betrayed and abandoned by the only people in my family who i thought actually accepted me and would stand up for me #guess it was a fucking lie #this is literally my worst fear come true im so anxious and scared of people making fun of me behind my back or #lying that they like or accept me out of pity #i dont know how to wrap my head around that i cant trust my mum my comfort person #i feel like an idiot ive been saying for years how lucky i am to have parents who are trying who support me who encourage me to be who i am #turns out theyre no better than my aunt who blamed me for turning my cousin gay and trans they just lied cause they thought id kill myself #ive been wanting to move out for a while cause if my dads drinking and temper but i cant stanf being near them rn #i cant really do anything though cause nearly all the student accommodation is full and i dont know the process for renting #my mum has me so sheltered from reality i dont know how to do anything #im so tired

1 note · View note

panlyv · 1 year

Text

.

#i just wanna know whats so wrong with meeeeee #why am i so broken why cant i get fucking better #why did i get so damaged to the point of no return #i feel like an alien in my family i see all of them being outgoing extroverts with a so many friends #and im here like a goddamn loser scared to talk to anyone exhausted just by saying hi #and i know i know i know its the trauma #its the fear #but fuck for how much longer is this gonna keep going #and they act like this isnt hard for me #it is dude #i feel so lonely and tired and i want to connect and that desire makes me feel so fucking pathetic #why do i want people while im so scared of them #and it hurts so much its unbearable #i keep suffocating myself and denying myself of everything #because i hate myself and im not worthy of love or staying for #so why would i even give it a try when i know damn well the outcome #they are just gonna leave because thats what everybody did. they left #and the problem is obviously me right. im the only constant #so fuck me i guess! ill be alone forever!#because if i do let someone in again and they leave again i wont be able to keep going i swear to god #so i just close myself to everyone #god even to my best friend. i feel like i annoy her so much and i hate myself bc i love her a lot but i always measure myself #and regret everything i say bc i want to die die die #she deserves better lmao #and anyway if i do kill myself everyone has other ppl and they'll keep going and it'll be just fine #i cant stand this anymore dude i cant #everything keeps coming back i feel like im 11 again and depression is looming over me and choking me and pulling me down #and im locked in a room and i cant escape and all i see is how bad i am and how i just need to fucking dieeeee #anyways #anyways i dont even know what this was

0 notes

screamingay · 1 year

Text

god that was an awful shift i hate how corporate let us hire more people and then as soon as we put them on the schedule they decided having one more minimum wage server per day (for first shift only!!!) was too much for The Budget. i had to bargain to get someone else to come in today and help me out and it was STILL hell.. rant incoming in the tags

#we're back to 2 ppl on first shift but the new guy cant actually handle floor or dishes on his own so it's basically 1 person #plus someone following behind them to help a bit #apparently they used to have disabled workers as 'interns' just gettimg unpaid experience which is awful but at least #it meant they could actually schedule 2 other people. but i guess they got shit for not paying disabled workers #which i get. but since this new guy makes minimum wage too it means they wont let us schedule another person for first shift #which we desperately need when it's just like. me and him. in an ideal world he would be paid and getting work experience and there would #still be enough people to do the job fully #also all morning i was so scared the safety inspector would pop in bc i was told he would be. so i double checked all the possible hazards #before we opened and he literally stepped into the dining room. took a picture of it on a digital camera. then left #he didnt even come in the kitchen!! christ #but i was still stressed after that and all through lunch bc now residents' families can come in and eat like they used to before covid #and we had 2 of them today and if we fuck it up for them they can complain to corporate and im not used to running a real restaurant!!#we have to act like it's a real restaurant even tho we arent given the same resources or allowances and it's so frustrating #tbh today wouldve been 10 times easier with any other cook bc we had the fucking worst one here today. she gets frustrated when anyone asks #her for anything and she goes on rants about how bad all the other cooks are and she puts WAY too much strain on the dishwasher #using unnecessary dishes and making them wash things she could just rinse herself in the back. AND she's always telling me how to do by job #my job #and what i should do differently! it's distracting!! and makes everything harder bc she will fr just make up rules and treat u like shit if #u ignore her and do it the easier or better way #her home life sucks and she takes it out on all of us all the time. get a divorce and move to the city like you really want #it'll make everyone so much happier #(including you)#i need a new job so bad i get paid nothing to do like 4 jobs at once and im always on a time crunch and it's been absolutely killing my bac #and shoulders and feet #and joie de vivre lmao #if i get a new reliable car soon i could probably make more driving for fucking grubhub #i didnt even eat at work today. almost 8 hours straight of running my ass around the kitchen in my Shoes For Crews black sneakers #and i ate literally One piece of french toast at the very beginning #plus i came in already sick of everything bc the stupid parking garage app i have to use now malfunctioned and wouldnt let me out #bc it didnt have my entrance to the garage last night logged for some reason

1 note · View note

mrfoox · 2 years

Text

i wish i trusted my own feelings more but here i am?

#me: i feel this way (: someone i like: um... are you sure? i think you feel more that way #me: oh shit... maybe i do? binch i gotta think this one through now..........#i dont think my answer will change but its uh... worth another look #oliver said a while ago he thinks i'm in love with fabian.. and immidetly i said very confidently apperantly that i dont #and now ive been thinking about it and im like....... ok but am i?#told oliver again and he was like 'what i thought you said you werent? you sounded very sure about it'#yeah i mean...... at one hand i am but also...... i think my brain can do a lot of shit to keep me away from things that will probably end #badly. and genuinly i do not think me and fabian would have any chanse even if somehow he would be into me too #i'd never feel good enough for him. so i may just have gone into the whole thought of #its never going to happen so you obviously just like him in a friendly way. the end. idk #as usual romantic feelings for me is a mess. i dont divide love in that way naturally. for me love is love. if i love you i love you #i'd do anything for you and anything you'd want with me i'd be down for unless we are very unlike character wise #i just can see myself liking almost #all my friends in a romantic way? i can imagine it from my pov but its theirs i cant #not something i actively think about tho its just.... something i have and i know?#maybe this actually isnt how i think but theres another explanation (like oliver said 'being afraid of others leaving so youre willing to do #anything they want to keep them aorund) but until i learn otherwise this is what i keep thinking. i feel like a freak tho bc i dont think #anyone can really... understand it unless they feel soething similar ? or are super open or such. the friends ive told i think got a bit #scared. makes sense... but i cant make it sound better or more normal like yeah. everyone is safe from me romantically but also #almost everyone is welcome to hmu if they wanna try dating i guess. i speak big but i do have some exceptions #mainly bc of character meshing :'))#miranda talking shit

0 notes

theood · 2 years

Text

Transitioning wouldn't fix me not like how probably intensive therapy and probably meds would (as if I could even fucking afford that or find someone who can deal with internalized generational trauma + other stuff) but god would hearing my name and boy or son or even just one fucking he would do so much for me. Like it would help so much I know it. And yet. Here I am

#im sorry everyone #Realistically I know many trans people don't even start their transition at 19 or even 18 or 17 but I also follow so many people in my age #group who've got to do ao much with their transition I can't help but be... jealous #*? I guess. That I can't be that. I cant not compare myself or think how I'm a pussy bc of the fact I'm inclined to choose a slower T #administration despite medically I think it'd be the better option for me #as you can tell i just. I wish my parents would see how much they're hurting me and not pull a 'well im just scared I dont want you to cha #nge :'(!' like. im fucking dying here. I am miserable. But yes! I'm sorry I won't ever change now.

0 notes

zombvic · 3 months

Note

would you write one of hector fort and reader being in an argument and reader crying because of the accumulated stress and hector comforting reader afterwards pls

PLUS ONE (hector garcía fort x reader)

summary : in which hector gets invited to a team event, which comes with a certain challenge

face claim : no-one

notes : first time writing angst lol sorry if its soft but im a noobie

pairings : hector fort x reader , angst

HECTOR and I have been dating for about a year. Our relationship has been very low-key, with only our families knowing about it. We both agreed it was better this way—he has his fangirls, and I would assume they would go ballistic if they found out Hector had a girlfriend. Not even the Barca players knew; some, slowly caught on, but apart from a few REALLY soft, soft launches, it was basically non-existent to the public eye.

It was a typical Saturday evening when Hector came over to my apartment after a training, a bit more excited than usual. “Guess what?”

“What’s up, babe?” I asked, looking up from my phone.

“I got invited to the FIFA Football Awards event next month. It’s a big deal; all the top players will be there,” he said, sitting down beside me.

“Wow, that’s amazing, Hector! I’m so proud of you,” I replied, genuinely happy for him.

“And they said I could bring a plus one,” he added, his voice trailing off as he looked at me expectantly.

I paused, my excitement fading slightly. “Oh, that’s.. nice.”

Hector noticed the change in my tone and his brows furrowed. “I want you to come with me,” he said firmly.

“Hector, you know we agreed to keep this low-key. An event like that, with all the media and attention… it’s not exactly low-key,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I know, but it’s just one event. We don’t have to hide forever. Besides, I want to share this moment with you.”

I shook my head. “It’s not that simple. Once we go public, things will change. People will start prying into the life of my family and I. I don’t want that kind of stress.”

“But I want to be able to be with you openly. It’s been over year. I’m tired of hiding” he argued, his frustration evident.

He got up and walked around the room.

"So, why can't we do just one thing together? "I just want one, public, night together."

"It never lasts a night. Today it's the awards; tomorrow it'll be something different."

"Where does it end?" I exclaimed, my voice rising as my anger increased.

"I don't see why you're so against this. It's not like I'm asking you to do something really crazy."

"I just want my girlfriend to be there for me, to support me." he said, his voice filled with distress.

"And I support you, Hector. Every. Single. Day, I offer you my whole support. However, this is not like usually. It isn't just about us. It's all about the media, fans, and attention.

"It's genuienly too much."

Hector paused while walking, his eyes softening. "I had no idea that was giving you so much anxiety. I just thought... Maybe it was time to announce our relationship, I don't know."

With a shaky voice, I took a deep breath. "Hector, it's not that I don't want to be with you honestly. It’s just that I’m scared. Scared of what will happen when everyone knows. Scared of the pressure, the judgment."

"I apologize for pressuring you. Im sorry. I just... I want you to know that no award or event is equivalent to how much you mean to me. I just wanted everyone to see the girl i adore and love so very much."

"You don’t get it, Hector. You're used to the constant focus on you and your loved ones. I'm not famous in any way, nor do I desire to be."

Hector's face fell, guilt and regret obvious and clear in his eyes. "I'm sorry; I should've taken your feelings into consideration. I just assumed that-"

“You assumed what? That I would suddenly be fine with our private life being exposed to the world?” I interrupted, slowly feeling the anger rise in me.

“I thought we could handle it together,” he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“But I’m not as strong as you think I am, Hector,” I said, my voice breaking. “I never cry, I never let things get to me. But this… it’s just too much. I can’t do it. What if they try to break us apart? It's so overwhelming. What if the media digs into our personal lives and spreads lies? What if your fans start hating me, or I say something wrong, and it affects you? The anxiety is eating me alive."

Feeling the weight of everything squeezing me, I shook my head. "Hector, I'm not as strong as you expect me to be. I can’t handle the thought of people judging us, criticizing us. With all this pressure, the idea of losing you is too much for me to handle."

"Hector, you just don't get it. You're used to being the focus of attention. However, I'm not. I'm more than scared, I'm basically petrified."

I looked aside, trying to cover my face as the tears I had been keeping back suddenly burst out. Hector stood there for a brief momentwatching me with a distressed expression. Then, slowly, he stepped closer, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

“I’m so sorry, love. I didn’t realize how much this was affecting you. We don’t have to go public if you’re not ready. We can take our time,” he said, his voice gentle and soothing.

I leaned into his embrace, my sobs shaking my body. “Thank you. I just need time.”

He squeezed me even tighter and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. "Take as much time as you need. I'm always here to support you. I love you."

The tension began to ease as we stood there, holding another closely. I knew that between us, we would get through this. That was the only thing that mattered for now.

first time ever writing angst hope its what you imagined while requesting 𖹭

486 notes · View notes

hazelsmirrorball · 4 months

Text

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys | Charles Leclerc

SUMMARY: After being mia for a year, Y/n comes back better than ever ready to talk about her six year relationship, through music.

FACE CLAIM: Lola Tung

pairings: Singer! Reader x Charles Leclerc

a/n: sorry for also being mia!! i’ve been working with uni and publishing my book! i hope you guys enjoy

david.iacono via instagram

liked by logansargent, minnie.mills and 100,427 others

tagged: y/n.l/n_

david.iacono our girl is finally making a comeback!!

view all coments

…

user102 i’m sorry but she’s alive?!

user15 y/n is finally back!!

user12 omg finally!! i missed her so so much

user4579_ i’ve missed you in the paddock

minnie.mills she’s back!!!

user101 wait? our girl? what happened to charles?

-> user15 im pretty sure they broke up! she hasn’t been seen anywhere for the past year and that includes everything related to charles.

-> user278 they don’t even follow each other on instagram anymore!

y/n.l/n via insta stories. minnie.mills via insta stories.

y/n.l/n via insta

liked by charles_leclerc and 1,820,278 more.

y/n.l/n guess who’s back with great news!! if you’ve been following me for a while you would now how much i love musical theater and i’m forever thankful for giving life to eurydice in hadestown!

view all comments

…

user10 our queen is back and she’s going to broadway?! omg guys!!!!!

user78 it’s happening!!!

user57 you did it y/n!!!

user17 i feel like a proud mother, congrats!!

minnie.mills broadway is shaking in their boots!! Just wait till they hear the album!

-> user890 the album?! what album??

-> user27 omg omg omg

-> y/n.l/n thank you for spoiling the album

user19 i don’t know what’s crazier, the album announcement in the comments or charles in the likes

y/n.l/n posted a video via insta.

liked by arthur_lecler, carlossainz55 and 2,920,831 others.

y/n.l/n. decided to give you guys a preview of a song I've been writing since I was gone, hope you guys enjoy!! xoxo

view all comments

user28 no fucking way!!!

user2901 I'm going to puke

user290 we can all agree this song is about Charles, right?!?! I can't be crazy

user190 this is so crazy

user789 but what’s the name of the song?

-> y/n.l/n my boy only breaks his favorite toys

-> user17 it keeps getting worse and worse for charles

user219 if this is the preview of the album she's writing if I were Charles I would start hiding

user89 once I fix me, he's gonna miss me?!?!? she ate I fear

user19 I guess the new album is a disstrack

user55 well at least we know who arthur and carlos side with in the breakup

user26 charles pr team should get to work

y/n.l/n via insta.

liked by charles_leclerc, chrisbriney_ and 920,194 more.

y/n.l/n opening night was a hit! thank you for everyone that waited for me to heal and supported me all the way, i love you guys. good things are coming soon

view all comments

user78 you are so mega talented!! you deserve this and more

user891 the caption seems shady?

user178 oh charles what did you do

charles_leclerc congrats xoxo

-> user16 i don’t know what shocks me more, charles commenting or his xoxo

-> user89 once i fix me, he’s gonna miss me…

patriciooward via insta stories!