#but i'm redoing mine so meh

[beansnpeets]

I am.....so sad about the housing market.

I want my own place. I NEED my own place. But the only things I can afford are derelict houses that need to be gutted and redone and I simply do not have the money to hire someone else and I don't think I have the skill to do it myself.

Jon could do it, but the whole point is for ME to buy the place and it to be mine since he is unwilling to put me on the title of any place HE buys (doesn't want me to have half in the event of a breakup, but I work family law and I could absolutely take his ass for half of everything already). So if he does most of the reno work then I'm kinda on the hook for that. I'd have to actually do it myself. And I have surgery in a couple months. So that would be rough.

There is a place with a nice yard I could buy for probably super cheap, but.....the situation is messy. Idk if it would be a good idea. It would be a full gut and redo, too. But god I'm desperate to get out. I guess I could just kick Jon out of the house we are in now. But then I'm stuck in a rental until something really lucky comes along.

It's all just so frustrating. We were told growing up the future was bright and to work hard and we could have it all, but here I am. Nearly 30, making a pretty meh wage, renting the cheapest possible house and still unable to save enough to buy even a shitty house in the middle of nowhere.

[suggestiveeyewaggle]

Only the two of us knew we'd hooked up during our senior week nearly two decades ago. Not his hot, blonde girlfriend. Not my fiance. Or at least I've never told anyone about it until now.

It's funny how I don't really remember much about it, now, except that it had been in his room on his tiny twin bed, door firmly locked.

We didn't have sex either; that would come a couple of years later, when my fiance broke up with me. It wasn't the same, him single and me now resolutely polyamorous.

I remember all the other times we cheated on our partners with each other. The chemistry we had together. The way that he was my first for a number of sexual milestones. The first French kiss I'd had. The first time I saw a cock, hard from desire for me. He would have been the first to go down on me if I'd let him, if I hadn't been trying to be a good Catholic and stopped him. I still know exactly where he kissed my thigh that night. I found a writing of mine about that night recently and I'd forgotten how much of our interactions were based on tickling each other. There was the time we made out in his bedroom, my fiance two floors below, after holding ourselves off for an hour. I don't know that I have ever had so much wanting in me as in the moments before we gave in.

All kinds of dumb sense memories jumbled together. The way his stomach and the tops of his boxers would show when he stretched. The way he forced my head up the first time he kissed me, starting my own grappling with being turned on by being forced, by being submissive. The way he kept hold of my hair in the subway, not caring who saw us. His intense, grey eyes.

So much of our relationship driven by that taboo, by the excitement of it. And a certain undercurrent of fear. I can't ignore that part of it either. Freshman year I'd been sitting on the inside of his room, him and his best friend between him and the door. I had attempted to tease them; they'd been referred to as nervous little freshman #1 and 2. But they'd grown up with more virulent homophobia than I had, and had each drawn their pocket knives on me, demanding that I tell them. They were certain other people were saying they were together.

It was, honestly, terrifying. I'd be on edge whenever he'd even pick up a butter knife for the rest of that year. He apologized for it, although the other one never did. But I don't think that lowkey fear of him ever really went away. I think it just fueled the attraction.

Why am I typing this all out? We grew distant over the years. He was the kind of friend who was there for you in a crisis, but not any other time. (Yes, I had a lot of crisises in college as a result.) Did his attraction to me wane or were there extenuating circumstances? Or was he unable to handle that I was now transmasc and yeah he actually wasn't that straight? Or was it less exciting because it was no longer taboo on my side? I don't know; it's not like he told me.

I moved to a new city recently, two hours' drive away, the closest we'd been in years. Messaged him about getting together in a public place (I'm not interested in fueling his cheating kink anymore). But he just made a comment about how far it was. And then I'd read an advice column about how we should let go of things that are one-sided. Like this torch I've carried for him for too long. I took it as a sign and unfriended him.

But still. I'm currently obsessed with writing fanfic of this certain character to fill out his shallow backstory. And while a lot of it is taking from my relationship with my ex-partner, I can't deny that a significant chunk is based on this guy and the... Whatever we had with each other. Maybe the writing will help excise him out. Remove the best and the worst and leave the meh, the majority of our situation.

I wanted so much more than he was willing to give and I kept thinking, maybe he'll finally fall in love with me. God. Pathetic. What really existed? If I could go back and redo it all as an adult, would I avoid him completely? Or would we be drawn together again, being in such close proximity to one another?

Time to let it go. I deserve better than the crumbs he gave me.

[beej-hunnicutt]

Okayyy, I grabbed a bunch of this year's (plus one from December, technically two) actually like "finished drawings" and ramble abt the good, the bad, and the ugly. I just watched an artists tier their art. So yeah lol maybe I'm in the mood to ramble abt mine lol. Below the cut because...so many pictures lol.

Like, don't get me wrong, I loooooove this Frances drawing, but like. It's kinda just there. Like I feel good when I see it. But I WANT IT TO FEEL MORE AAAAA. Like I'm sure abt almost all of these, I just wish I had given it an atmosphere. I actually think this has a cute light palette it actually kinda works. But I wish I had actual lighting in it <3. Where is the vibe and scene?! I think I should go old photograph. Which is what I wanted to do, but I have no idea how. I still plan on expanding out this drawing, maybe changing it slightly, so hopefully, I will do that better!! I also kinda put this Andy with it. Because I feel kinda the same abt it. I think both lack shadows too, which goes with lack of environment. But I think the soft feel of Andy's is nice! I'm glad I colored it. And actually think I like how undefined the background it on this one. It does something for me! Oh didn't mean it, but love the contrast of the complimentary book cover! Didn't intend that, just picked a book I enjoy and think Andy would enjoy. But like that affect.

Despite really feeling like Andy is still not mixed with the background, I actually really like this one! I think toneally it has a vibe. And it's just like a portrait so I cannot complain too much!

I really enjoy this Mary and Frank piece! I love the colors and like how its kinda painterly but still heavily influenced by the sketch and it can still be seen. I like that I attempted more usage of different hues, not sticking to the main color. Like Mary's sleeve? LOVE THAT. Same with the sweater detail on Frank! I put the Kik one with it because for a quick sketch turned painting I think it is good. I like the vibe. I think I should either heavily fix it or redo it. I think if I keep going at it, I can make it a piece I am really proud of!

Okay, admittedly, I put these together because they're kinda the same size but lol. Andy; tried something new, think I heavily failed. But I DO like the colors and like I tried texture, though you can tell I didn't know what to do with it lol. The Lincoln, this piece is rlly old, AND IT WAS BADDDD. I think the half assed fixed version is 1000% better. It's by no means perfect. I rEALLY like the shadow of his head on the pillow. But aha, just wish there was more. But overall not terrible! I like it for what it is. And has a special place for being like my first Lincoln piece that wasn't just his fatigues one. :")

LOVE THE VIBE, I like Grayscale, like the intense shadow. I think the shadows on him could be a but nicer of course. And I do think his hair was kinda poorly done but oh well. I am not the biggest fan of his face? It's not bad, but I think I have done better John faces. I do know; I detailed his face in color and I think I like that better lol.

Lincoln, like, I like the face and coloring of that but it's just so meh. It's a figure like I always do. I like the coloring a lot more when I went back and added deeper shadows. But idk. It's okay </3. And oh!! I group a different Lincoln picture with this one, it has no background but the shadows on his uniform are SO good. It made me loooovve the drawing. And is still a fave. It is what inspired me to add deeper shadows here.

And I've never shared this version of this John drawing. It's a shaving cream prank. Dear God. Help me. I love how John's body turned out. I think his face is nice; its okay. I think I sucked at again giving him a shadow. I couldn't commit to the main shadow and I think it just kinda sucked all life from it. With the Lincoln drawing I don't like the background. With the John one I am torn. I think I should have detailed the ground more? Maybe? Idk. These two, Frank by the water and Andy reading, were all close together and done in January, and they all kinda have the same bckgrnd theme. Idk how I feel abt that choice. For the guys' anyways.

Actually seeing all of these were nice! Because I actually do like nearly all of these pieces! And I feel nervous but very inspired to keep trying to motivate myself to finally take that final step. And maybe try to play into that for the entire piece, not just adding it at the end...and not adding it. I rlly want to try to get a bit more creative too, like interesting things not just person standing there. But idk.

If you read all of this. Omg thank you sorry for rambling your ear off!!! 🫂💗

[overzne]

❛  SOMETHING’S  NOT  RIGHT  WITH  THOSE  SIBLINGS. ❜

      there’s  been  a  mystery  afoot  in  changwon  ,  south  korea  for  what’s  going  to  be  three  years  on  august  17th  ;  a  question  that  seems  to  have  so  many  answers  yet  none  at  the  same  time   ---   what  really  happened  in  the  kwon  household  on  that  gruesome  night  ?  a  blazing  house  fire  that  consumed  three  people  whom  where  still  inside  ,  yet  the  younger  three  children  were  in  no  harm  ,  just  pain  from  losing  their  loved  ones.  citizens  in  the  area  who  heard  about  the  news  were  also  devastated  about  the  news  and  gave  their  condolences  to  the  last  of  the  kwon  family.  their  parents  were  very  respected  people  simply  due  to  their  contribution  to  the  community  and  their  passion  towards  their  kids.  yet  when  a  leak  from  the  police  station  revealed  that  the  father  of  the  home  was  found  with  twenty  one  stab  wounds  repeatedly  in  the  chest  ,  and  the  mother  already  being  deceased  from  blunt  force  trauma  ,  those  same  people  started  to  see  those  kids  in  a  different  light.  instead  of  letting  them  grieve  ,  conspiracy  theorists  took  to  the  internet  to  give  their  take  on  the  incident.  some  wrote  about  the  eldest  woman  doing  the  evil  deeds  while  the  twins  had  no  idea  what  went  on.  others  speculate  maybe  one  or  both  of  the  youngest  children  planned  it  themselves  ;  very  few  believed  it  was  all  of  them  and  quite  many  brought  up  the  eldest  son  ,  which  gained  them  crazy  looks  as  he  died  in  the  fire  as  well  . . .  until  word  got  around  that  his  body  was  nowhere  to  be  found.  for  now  ,  the  theories  have  been  a  popular  forum  but  like  all  things  ,  it’s  traction  began  to  die  down  and  slowly  went  from  a  wildfire  to  a  hushed  whisper.  the  kwons  are  now  trying  to  balance  life  after  loss  ,  still  maintaining  their  sanity  one  day  at  a  time.  but  one  member  of  the  family  have  decided  to  take  matters  in  their  own  hands  ,  and  soon  a  NEW  theory  was  posted  revealing  everything  that  took  place  inside  the  home  ,  but  are  people  gonna  take  it  serious  as  it  tarnishes  the  kwon’s  family  name  forever  ?

UNDER  THE  CUT  ,  you  will  be  introduced  to  the  last  three  standing  family  members  of  the  kwon  residence.  if  you  wish  to  plot  with  any  of  them  ,  please  like  this  post.  tw :  vague  mentions  of  child  abuse  /  pornography  ,  drug  abuse  ,  violence  ,  homophobia  ,  attempt  sexual  assault  /  suicide.

#  FILE  NUMBER  ONE  :  KWON  JUNHEE  ,  age  30.  (  seo  yeji  fc  )

originally  the  second  born  child  now  taking  on  the  role  of  the  eldest  &.  the  parent  of  the  younger  twins  ;  a  very  dedicated  mystery  crime  novelist  who  often  spoke  about  wanting  peace  and  happiness.  the  public  loved  her  stories  ,  but  it  was  something  about  her  recently  released  book  back  3  years  back  before  the  incident  that  drew  in  more  eyes.  ❛  ESCAPE  FROM  HOME  ❜  was  a  tale  about  a  young  woman  named  son  eunbin  who  lived  a  happy  life   ---  or  so  it  was  described.  then  suddenly  she  wakes  up  in  a  cold  sweat  and  all  hell  begins  for  the  rest  of  the  book.  the  uniqueness  and  detailed  descriptions  left  many  people  speechless  and  they  yearned  to  know  the  truth  behind  it  yet  got  no  answers  as  junhee  stated  she  was  not  going  to  say  anything  until  the  time  was  right.  in  april  of  2020  ,  a  follower  of  her  instagram  page  released  a  screen - recorded  video  from  a  live  the  author  did  confessing  that  the  book  was  inspired  by  true  events  in  her  own  life.  it  baffled  the  people  of  changwon.  a  lot  of  people  refused  to  acknowledge  it.  after  all  ,  she  described  the  parents  in  that  book  to  be  MONSTERS  ,  absolute  scum  of  the  earth.  the  father  was  the  worst  of  all  as  the  mom  would  sometimes  help  but  neither  had  a  good  enough  redemption  arc.  not  to  mention  the  main  character  soon  found  tapes  upon  tapes  of  her  being  molested  as  a  child  from  ages  eight  to  ten  by  close  colleagues  of  the  family  being  hidden  in  her  father’s  office.  and  what  about  the  acclaimed  suicide  attempts  ?  there  was  no  way  in  the  world  it  was  all  true  ,  but  it  was.  a  gossip  site  let  it  be  known  that  junhee  was  indeed  admitted  into  a  rehabilitation  center  far  from  home  once  hitting  the  age  of  22  for  unknown  reasons  ,  two  years  after  the  twins  were  born.  she  ended  up  saying  herself  that  she  couldn’t  watch  not  just  one  ,  but  two  children’s  lives  be  destroyed  by  those  evil  people.  so  she  tried  to  smother  them  ,  but  when  caught  by  her  mother  they  ended  up  arguing  and  eventually  things  got  too  overwhelming  as  she  then  tried  to  hurt  herself  with  a  kitchen  knife.  now  the  THIRTY  year  old  woman  says  she  has  changed  from  who  she  was  eight  years  ago.  she  made  sure  the  twins  were  happy  and  tried  her  hardest  to  protect  them.  she  still  writes  ,  and  has  an  up  and  running  bookstore.  due  to  her  brother’s  absence  she  had  to  take  the  role  of  running  the  family’s  business  which  she  took  ,  not  before  firing  those  who  were  close  to  her  parents  and  running  it  her  way.  can  be  described  as  alert  ,  calculated , nurturing , organized  &.  reserved.

#  FILE  NUMBER  2  :  KWON  TAEYEON  ,  age  20.  (  hwang  yeji  fc  )

the  first  born  out  of  the  bundle  of  twins  ;  a  ray  of  sunshine  and  the  golden  child  that  captivated  everyone  with  her  adoring  smile  and  contagious  giggles.  she  was  like  bubbles  being  blown  on  a  hot  summer  day  in  a  sundress  ,  a  piece  of  candy  so  sweet  that  you’d  get  a  toothache.  taeyeon  wasn’t  afraid  to  be  herself  in  front  of  anyone  ,  not  even  her  parents.  which  is  where  her  downfall  began.  her  interests  in  boys  stopped  faster  than  her  playing  with  dolls  did.  her  eldest  brother  was  the  first  to  catch  on  after  he  caught  her  watching  some  very  dirty  videos  at  age  13.  he  explained  to  her  that  while  he  had  no  problem  with  it  ,  their  parents  might.  she  was  aware  of  that  being  possible  ,  hence  why  she  pretended  to  like  boys  in  the  eyes  of  the  others.  besides  that  ,  taeyeon  was  the  perfect  kid.  incredibly  intelligent  ,  and  very  athletic.  truth  be  told  ,  she  favored  her  father  over  her  mom  since  he  was  always  at  her  games  and  showered  her  with  attention.  this  alone  started  countless  arguments  with  her  brother  as  he  for  one  did  not  like  him.  she  assumed  it  was  jealousy  from  not  being  dad’s  favorite  as  their  father  did  quite  purposely  ignore  him  for  her.  she  was  15  when  she  fell  for  her  close  friend.  they  were  spending  the  night  after  a  big  game  win  and  wanted  to  spend  more  time  together  over  the  weekend  since  it  was  the  end  of  the  season.  one  thing  led  to  another  and  their  lips  connected  in  a  sweet  kiss  only  to  be  interrupted  by  her  mother  walking  in  on  them.  quickly  she  left  and  taeyeon  assumed  she’d  just  keep  quiet  about  it.  sadly  that  wasn’t  the  case.  one  evening  when  she  was  cleaning  up  her  room  ,  her  father  busted  in  and  confronted  her  about  the  kiss.  no  explanation  was  good  enough  as  it  resulted  in  her  being  smacked  in  the  face.  things  only  got  worse  when  he  tried  to  force  her  into  a  relationship  with  a  close  guy  friend  she  had.  thankfully  he  understood  her  situation  and  didn’t  try  to  do  anything  which  just  pissed  the  man  off  more.  so  he  took  matters  into  his  own  hands  ---  or  rather  a  colleagues.  after  getting  out  the  shower  ,  she  walked  out  into  her  bedroom  and  was  met  with  an  unknown  man  waiting  for  her. quickly  she  caught  on  and  tried  to  run  back  to  the  bathroom  but  failed.  he  was  quick  ,  and  managed  to  gain  control  just  as  fast.  however  ,  her  twin  and  older  brother  heard  her  screaming  and  immediately  ran  to  the  scene  where  they  stopped  anything  from  getting  too  far.  since  then  ,  taeyeon’s  trust  has  been  messed  up  ,  even  causing  her  to  break  ties  from  her  girlfriend  before  hitting  17.  she  had  to  move  rooms  because  it  scared  her  to  be  there  and  nightmares  crept  onto  her  like  a  ghost  in  the  night.  she  was  paranoid  ,  it  showed  on  the  outside  ,  too  whenever  someone  she  didn’t  know  approached  her  too  friendly  or  came  off  as  strong.  she  couldn’t  function  properly.  so  junhee  decided  to  give  her  some  sleeping  pills  that  she’d  been  using  to  help  her  sleep  better  as  she  felt  like  that  could  be  part  of  the  reason  she  was  always  on  edge  ,  too.  so  she  did  ,  but  soon  that  became  a  danger  to  her  as  well.  at  some  point  junhee  took  the  younger  off  the  medicine  but  that  didn’t  stop  her.  taeyeon  wanted  to  sleep  for  as  long  as  she  could  ,  for  she  never  wanted  to  wake  up  to see  the  face  of  her  demon  ever  again.  thankfully  her  older  sister  caught  onto  this  similar  behavior  and  managed  to  stop  her  before  things  got  worse.  since  then  she’s  been  okay  but  she  sees  life  in  a  different  light.  now  she’s  studying  childhood  education  and  works  at  an  ice  cream  parlor.  she  can  be  described  as  guarded  ,  sentimental  ,  understanding  ,  finicky  and  doubtful.

#  FILE  NUMBER  3  :  KWON  TAEHYUN  ,  age  20.  (  choi  yeonjun  fc  )

the  other  half  of  the  twins  ;  the  softie  out  of  the  two  who  was  an  elder’s  favorite.  taehyun  was  the  kid  who’d  you  see  running  from  their  parents  while  giggling  ,  the  child  who’s  face  would  be  covered  in  candy  but  would  say  if  asked  if  he  had  any.  he  always  managed  to  put  a  smile  on  someone’s  face  ,  except  his  father’s.  the  young  male  never  knew  why  his  own  parent  couldn’t  quite  look  him  in  the  face  but  shook  it  off  because  his  mother’s  attention  made  up  for  it.  because  he  was  a  momma’s  boy  ,  he  would  do  anything  to  make  sure  both  her  and  his  sisters  were  okay.  though  perhaps  his  way  of  helping  is  a  bit  messy.  when  getting  old  ,  he  would  notice  how  his  older  brother  and  sister  would  come  home  sometimes  late  at  night  when  everyone  was  sleeping  (  as  he  was  a  night  owl  )  and  the  elder  boy  was  covered  in  bruises  and  blood.  he  remembered  overhearing  how  his  brother  told  his  sister  that  he’d  kill  anyone  who  hurt  her  ,  but  neither  of  the  males  expected  her  to  yell  out  “  what  about  their  dad.  ”  it  struck  him  at  that  point  that  it  looked  like  he  wasn’t  the  only  one  who  got  weird  vibes  about  the  man.  so  taehyun  took  it  upon  himself  to  becomes  his  sisters’  bodyguard.  he  would  stray  them  away  from  harm  and  make  sure  they  were  happy.  they  were  attending  one  of  taeyeon’s  games  when  a  strange  guy  approached  junhee.  the  boy  could  sense  she  was  uncomfortable  and  he  immediately  butted  in  ,  telling  the  older  guy  to  buzz  off.  when  she  asked  why  he  did  ,  he  explained  that  he  was  going  to  protect  her  from  everyone  ,  including  their  dad.  it  brought  tears  the  girl’s  eyes  to  hear  such  words  so  he  knew  it  had  to  mean  something.  but  it  started  to  happen  all  so  fast.  while  learning  how  to  fight  ,  his  older  brother  noticed  that  the  kid  was  good  ,  but  he  never  expected  that  if  he  was  angry  that  things  could  end  badly.  he  remembers  when  a  guy  tried  hitting  on  taeyeon  while  she  continuously  told  him  that  she  was  fine  after  the  near  assault.  so  to  make  him  listen ,  he  punched  him  once  ,  then  twice  and  repeated  the  process  until  his  knuckles  were  as  red  as  ketchup.  taeyeon  had  to  interfere  ,  screaming  at  him  to  stop  and  let  it  go  as  she  was  scaring  him.  that  was  when  it  was  revealed  that  taehyun  was  slightly  derailed  as  he  admitted  that  he  was  gonna  kill  the  guy  for  messing  with  her  ,  and  he’d  do  it  to  anyone.  even  their  father.  from  that  day  forward  ,  taehyun  was  more  attached  the  girls  ,  being  by  their  side  like  glue.  this  was  the  start  of  him  finding  out  what  happened  to  the  girls.  on  a  faithful  night  ,  he  did  end  figuring  it  all  out.  but  it  hurt.  it  hurt  because  these  were  his  own  kids  he  was  putting  through  hell  and  back.  the  videos  ,  the  pictures  ,  the  vulgar  messages   ---  it was  just  too  much.  how  strange  of  a  coincidence  was  it  that  the  night  he  figured  it  out  was  august  17th  ?  just  hours  before  the  fire  started.  he’s  been  reclusive  ever  since.  he  sees  countless  psychologists  and  counselors  but  all  say  the  same  thing.  taehyun  tries  to  move  on  ,  tries  to  forget  but  he  can’t.  now  at  20  ,  he’s  unemployed  as  junhee  is  afraid  of  him  going  since  he’s  not  exactly  stable  yet.  he  can  be  described  as  derailed  ,  vengeful  ,  friendly  ,  and  apologetic.