#but idc either-- for the sake of being self indulgent lol

[take-ya-to-the-ghey-bar]

🌸 @akumanoken 🌸

{was thinking about this ask again-- and while i'm pretty sure we've got a thread with mostly this same premise somewhere too-- i had the thought of writing a lil skip to this point in time of things, so~... decided i might as well go ahead and do it lol--}

Nestled back into soft sheets, Minato was looking up at a familiarly adorable face, which was again dyed in a deeply rosy hue… Which was a fact he couldn't help but give a quiet little chuckle at. Though, it wasn't like his own face was free from the rosy hue of desire… But, of course-- he knew well that the shade on Souji's cheeks was thanks to the burn of embarrassment and nerves.

Offering a rather soft smile to the ravenette, the blonde then propped himself up some, just far enough to reach towards Souji and caress the other's cheek. "You don't have to be so nervous, ya know…" Gently, he pulled the smaller male closer, in part guiding with the hand at his jawline… And in part thanks to a leg he looped around the other's waist.

Bringing Souji in close enough to pull him in for a kiss, Minato simply held things at this for a few moments… Soaking in the feeling of slow, deliberate, movements of their lips against each other's… Soon enough followed by the similar sensations of their tongues dancing as he deepened the kiss…

Upon pulling away with a soft exhale, however… The hand at Souji's face slowly slid down the raventte's shoulders, then lower until it came to rest on the small of his back… At which point Minato again nudged the other closer, giving a slow roll of his rear up against the smaller's length… And mostly holding back the amused exhale that went to slip out at feeling the warm flesh twitch a little.

"I already told you that there's no way you could ruin the day with this… And that you aren't gonna disappoint me in this situation either." Softly spoken words that paired with some affectionate nuzzles to the other's cheek, and the gentle caress of fingers along his back. "So come on, it's okay… Just move forward a little~…" Purring this encouragement, he then shifted a little to kiss the edge of Souji's lips, hoping all his coaxing would actually pay off.

[philosophicalparadox]

You know, being a Selective Shipper almost sucks sometimes.

Like, I can like or enjoy nearly any ship if it’s done in a certain way, dependent on the answer to these questions:

Do they make sense? As in, is their dynamic interesting? I honestly don’t care about compatibility, it ain’t about that, I want them to be interesting

What’s the context? AU can be done beautifully but I typically don’t like them because they like to throw context out the window. Which is fine if you’re just there for the ship. But I want to know how they happened too. It’s why I perpetually seem to write slow burns lol I gotta know the why with the what. (Horny self indulgent oneshots notwithstanding)

Could there be a canon-flavored explanation for this? Meaning, basically, does this work as a plausible canon divergence, or is it canon-AU? I can vibe with either if the writer is honest about it, but tend to favor divergence just because of ND brain inertia.

Is this ship going to put me in a bad emotional/mental place? Note, I do not one iota care whether a ship is “problematic”. But certain kinks are deeply Squick to me, (actual torture, as an example) and certain pairings are very not my cup of tea for dynamic or emotional reasons (parent/child pairings, for example, though incest in general does not deter me at all so antis take note)

Are they reasonably in character for the situation? THIS. It’s entirely personal to me, but unless the OOC is justified by circumstances presented in the fic or other medium, I find it really hard to hang on to the plot no matter how interesting. Now, as stated, if the OOC-ness is itself plot specific, that’s entirely different. I am all for “what would it take to get them to act like this?” Situations. They’re among my favorite. It’s when there’s no context for the weirdness that I get turned off to it.

Similar to that, and tying this all up, the question of “what would make them not work for each other”? I usually take this quibble with a pinch of salt, (see the “idc about problematic designations” above) BUT there are sometimes circumstances presented in canon that make particular characterizations off-putting or unrealistic but also certain ships or dynamics. Say character A has been traumatized by war. It makes total sense that they’d be drawn to character B who is a combat vet and would know some things. What ceases to make sense is to turn character A into a pro-war personality for the sake of that particular ship. Or, if character C was deeply and seriously traumatized by character D in canon, then I’m going to want some kind of explanation for why they’re working in your story despite everything to the contrary. Sometimes canon actually supplies answers to that question, in which case I have no problem. It’s when there’s an absence of any evidence that they’d ever even like each other that I kind of intellectually expect an explanation.

Now these are all just my opinions and the point I am making is that it almost does not matter what the ship is to me at all as long as it hits on at least most of the above points.

And that it actually really SUCKS because it strips away my enjoyment of a LOT of fan works in particular fandoms, especially big fandoms. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with making art however you like, and I am not saying that it is, thank you. Write that coffee shop AU. Make a high school or college or other AU. Write that weird crazy absolutely insane crackship with no canon bearing whatsoever. Write the things that help you heal, or make you squeal, whatever. I don’t really care. If I don’t like it I don’t read it (except in very rare circumstances where I’m trying to conquer an illogical aversion I have to the concept of something, but that’s a me thing and it’s never anyone else’s problem)

I’m only bellyaching and Le Sigh-ing about the fact I have to write/make more than I can read I guess. It’s exhausting in a way to have such niche yet broad interests at the exact same time. One shots are nice but they don’t fill the void in my fangirl soul the way a well structured narrative that addresses these questions does..

Le-sigh.

[makingspiritualityreal]

This post is a result of years of observation of both fiction and real life behavioral patterns in humans. I had a hard time putting my finger on what I exactly think/feel and I am still not sure I will word it properly and I am prepared to be misunderstood by generally everyone but idc at this point because this just needs to be said and I am inspired rn lol.

First of all, disclaimers.

1. I don’t hate the characters or shows that I will mention in this post, I don’t hate irl people that I saw behaving like this either. 

2. This post is in no way meant to be an offense to the fans of these characters, they have traits I like about them myself and I am well aware of their good sides. 

3. This is in no way a hate post about a one specific person or character, more like one specific behavioral pattern that is hard to stomach for me. 

4. I am also not saying that this post is the absolute truth ruling this universe and everyone should agree or obey, this is my opinion and perception and ofc anyone can disagree. I could maybe call this my pet peeve but “peeve” is not a word strong enough because this is just what brings me personally the most feelings of discomfort in this world (probably somewhere next to failure). 

5. The people and fictional characters I have in mind also have qualities I admire and they don’t necessarily exhibit this trait of character that I dislike 100% of the time (although I am sure it is present all the time somewhere deep inside unless they grow up somehow), which is probably what makes this situation so annoying in the first place, because the feelings I have towards them are always mixed. I don’t condone the people who act like this because anyone can do whatever they want, but I still dislike it.

6. I understand that there is probably a reason why these people/characters end up/are like this in the first place (in some cases, in some it may be irredeemable just being a natural tendency idk lol), maybe this is some coping mechanism, something resulting from pain and trauma, and if it is, well I am sorry for them, but it is still hurtful/annoying and I still dislike it.

7. I am not an apologist. Griffith is one of my favorite, if not the ultimate favorite character. I love him knowing that he is an asshole and does bad things. I am not saying he is the good boy while Guts is the bad boy, because neither of them is black and white. I am just elaborating on why Guts still manages to annoy me more in the end.

8. I didn’t finish Naruto and didn’t read all of Berserk manga. It is possible that the characters I describe change = I don’t have some info. Still, they already managed to behave in this specific way in the first place, even if they grew later (ok I know enough Berserk to know Guts didn’t), which is why they were mentioned in this post.

9. I acknowledge that there is personal gain in having this trait of character for the people/characters who act this way. Still, I think it is at an expense of spiritual growth and it bears some marks of being primitive. Still something I seriously dislike in people. Still hate it tbh. Sorry, folks.

10. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving yourself, preserving yourself and putting yourself first in a healthy way. You can do all of the above while not behaving in a way I’m about to describe.

11. You have the right to do what you want and pursue your own happiness. You don’t have to indulge other people’s wishes, you are not obliged to reciprocate their feelings or do anything for their sake. You can do all these things in the name of self love without doing this particular thing I’m gonna talk about.

12. I have had people tell me that the reason I feel like this is because I have issues. We all do. Ofc I do. I still think what I think and this is not really only about myself because if I see one fictional character treating another in this way it annoys me too. If I see a person irl treating another like this, it annoys me too. If I see a friend had this done to them, I feel like murdering the other person. Ofc everything in this world is an egocentric projection in the first place but we all function this way doing absolutely everything and it is impossible to remove our personal lenses so there is no point discussing that. As I said, this is my opinion and I am aware of it’s subjectivity.

After this super long preface, let’s get to it then.

I absolutely hate when someone acts as if they are the only person in this universe and whatever they do concerns only them, they live in a bubble and other humans around them don’t notice/feel/care about their actions. Sometimes, these people even have the annoying tendency to tell others that they shouldn’t be affected by their actions, because it doesn’t concern them in the first place. 

Sure, you will not spend your life analysing in great detail how your every breath and every step affects everyone around you, because this is literally impossible to do and you have to take care of your own stuff. What I am speaking about is this particular tendency in some people to exhibit the opposite behavior - be absolutely unconscious about how what they do makes others feel and react on some absolutely basic level that an average person possesses. It is some sort of lack of consciousness about the fact that the moment you do something for yourself in the presence of others it already affects them in some way. That doesn’t mean people should stop being themselves. It just means it is not a good thing to act as if there is only your ass, your “me, myself and I” in this world and nothing else exists.

Let’s look at Griffith. Yes, he is an asshole. Yes, he does awful stuff. BUT, he does it absolutely aware of the weight of his actions. When he chooses to sacrifice his comrades, he is aware of the burden of this action, which is what makes it so significant for the Godhand in the first place. This is a conscious decision, where he’s deciding he cares about his dream at the expense of lives of many other people. He just cares about his dream more. This is a bad thing to do, but it’s deliberate. 

Now imagine that he would do all that and be very surprised if someone told him that people were hurt over this decision. Imagine he would say “but why are they even hurt? I only did something to defend myself, why is anyone else even affected?”.

Ridiculous, right? Yet this is what people do. This is what Guts did when he left the band of the hawk. This action basically destroyed everything that Griffith worked for and lead to his destruction. It started the domino effect, the chain of negative events. 

His intentions weren’t bad in the first place. He was just unable to see outside his own self to imagine how this will implicate others, how his action, done for himself in theory, will also influence everyone else. Guts isn’t a bad person. But it’s not exactly as if he said “hey, I am leaving and I don’t care about your asses anymore, I have stuff to do, see you later”. What happens next proves that Guts cares. Cares about Griffith, Casca, the band of the hawk. He is just terribly unconscious because it’s not like he gained something from leaving the band at this moment. Did he prove something? Only in this most basic childlike way “this is me and I have my opinion too, and I am not gonna do what you tell me because I have the free will to do my own thing and I obey no one”. I can see a good side to this - this particular trait is what makes Guts a survivor, at least in his case. Still, he is a survivor who is limited in his spiritual growth and essentially primitive and childlike. I still dislike it. 

In one way or another, Griffith still got what he wanted. But this is not what this post is about. It’s about this absolute blindness that I can’t comprehend - blindness to the fact that other people exist in the first place. You may not give a shit about them, but it is some supreme form of denial to act as if what you do affects only you and nobody else because this is simply not how the world works. Imagine there is one box of chocolates for everyone in the house. Now, you may not give a damn about any other person eating from this box, but no matter how you feel, if you eat the whole box of chocolates, other people will feel the implications of your action. Even if you ate these chocolates just to please yourself in the first place. And what I am speaking about is the difference between eating these chocolates while being conscious that you simultaneously take them away from everyone else and absolutely not care if you hurt them or not (that’s the metaphor for “evil” lol) and this particular annoying behavior - eating all of them and being surprised other people noticed, saying some shit like “I did this for myself only, this is my business, why do you all care/feel something about this?”. Well, that’s because, no matter what your intentions were, at this point everyone else has no chocolates left. 

I can be antisocial and alienated at times, but even this doesn’t mean that you have to behave in this particular way (I don’t have a name for this and it annoys me orz). You can be evil, and not do this. Sebastian in Kuro is a demon. Like, legit, a demon. He doesn’t act like this. I can’t recall any demonic/evil being in fiction who would act like this. Evil people annoy me less. People who consciously step on others and are aware of what they’re doing annoy me less. Evil people usually plan/scheme and so they have to acknowledge other people’s presence for their plans to succeed in any way. What I am describing isn’t necessarily “evil”. But I still believe it brings suffering in this world. Most suffering comes not from bad intentions, but unconsciousness and lack of communication. 

Let’s get to my other example - Sasuke. I have watched little Naruto and I know this series is massive and his character most probably evolves. I know everyone in Naruto has a shitty backstory, Sasuke in particular, that he suffers a lot and is not really a bad person. I know he has this kind of discipline and seriousness, which looks especially good next to impulsive Naruto and makes him skillful and admirable in a way. I would probably discover more of his qualities in time. But this...ughh...this thing that just makes me wanna murder him...won’t go away. His behavior towards Sakura or idk, just generally everyone. Sakura annoys the shit out of me, at least at this point. She is the cliche teenage female chara who obsesses over Sasuke and doesn’t even try to have a decent conversation with him, acts as if she has no life and only hormones drive her (I have been told she grows up later, I hope so, dear lord). I legit dislike her and tbh I am in no way amazed Sasuke doesn’t like her back, the way she behaves, who would, and I don’t like this pairing at all. Also, naturally, no one is obliged to like anyone and when he says he has no reason to like her and they have no actual bond/there weren’t any deep convos, he is right. But even given all these factors, the way Sasuke acts still annoys me more. He so often acts as if other humans around him didn’t even exist. He only sometimes notices Naruto (which is what makes people ship them, in the context it already looks kind of gay and I barely started this anime, I am not even really into this pairing either but it’s still gay) and he seems to...kind of activate with his presence regularly. Ofc this is not a 100% pattern, Sasuke is polite and doesn’t always do this but it is like he sucks the life out of his environment because he doesn’t exchange energy with people how others usually do, he is energetically wrapped up in himself. He offers people his presence but not his company, while others offer company automatically because this is how most people naturally work. I would say this is about being guarded and guarding his feelings, but this is not even it, since you can be cautious and not do this. You can be secretive and not do this either. I feel like I’m still failing on naming this behavior well and I just hope my description will be enough for people to understand. 

The whole thing just gives me this feeling where I automatically see a scenario happening: first, you see this kind of person and you think they are obviously not well, you think they are valuable inside but just troubled so you just try to relieve their pain and support them and appreciate them for who they are. But then, the way they work is that they suck you dry, end up only being more conceited and less aware of their surroundings, looking even more at only themselves because what you gave them charges them subconsciously and no matter how hard you try (like I know Naruto pursued Sasuke later on, I have no idea how it ended though lol) it is still only them and their own selves and this lack of consciousness about the world. It is like the only way to survive around this is to be an asshole yourself - give them a taste of their own medicine, completely ignore their being and think “well if you are so absorbed with yourself only and don’t wanna acknowledge that there is a world existing, good luck spending your whole life alone with no deeper connections to people and no real friends whatsoever, ciao”. The problem is, people get attached. Even if the relationship is superficial, the time you spend together and the experiences you had together take a toll on you, you remember what you lived through in the presence of the other person. Only...this kind of person, they barely even acknowledge your presence in the first place. Because to them there is only themselves, has always been and your presence is also an extension of themselves, their own inner mental struggle. 

A nice quote here “I hate who steals my solitude without, in exchange, offering me true company.” (Nietzsche <3). And wow, this has been long but boy am I glad to finally have this in writing. I may reread this and edit or something later but for now nothing more comes to my mind and whoever was supposed to understand how I feel has already understood at this point I believe.