#but idk how much ill do today
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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Wow, so umm... This looks bad, not only is it inaccurate due to using the wrong ink demon design [unless this is confirmation BATIM Ink Demon has been outright retconned... Which would make me pissed enough to make a new post just about THAT] but from an art standpoint this is just... Confusing and poorly done.
I wouldn't care if this was fanart, of course you should support young, indie artists... But for a Graphic Novel making sure your cover doesn't look like something Butch Hartman shat out in an afternoon is kind of important. Remember they're going to be asking us to give money to them to read this. The artist likely won't see any of that money and neither do the authors most of the time, not to mention this art screams of the artist being underpaid and overworked.
Like they Had to get something on someone's desk and their boss said 'good enough'. A concept Joey Drew Studios is very familiar with considering the allegations of poor working environments that Kindly Beast. Not to mention Mike Mood admitting in a Reddit AMA that they did in fact rush projects like Showdown Bandit. [Which they sold at full price]
He also says they can in fact say no or yes to designs involving their IP. Either Mike or Meatly had to say yes to this cover, according to his own damn words.
And do you really think this company in particular would care enough about its fanbase to not sell them garbage? They have done exactly that on several occasions. It's not like they care particularly about art either, considering their previous use of AI Art. There was no apology or even posts addressing it... Instead, they just rushed out an archives update to their game to get people to stop talking about it... Even forgetting an entire character in it. Again
This company is [or at least SHOULD BE] on thin ice when it comes to being suspected of misleading their fans or rushing out crappy products to them.
So with all that context in mind, I'm gonna talk about why this cover sucks ass.
The light sources are all over the place? Why does it look like someone put maces or knight armor on his shoulders but it's just flesh?? It looks both gross and weird [not in a good way either]
To explain more I'm going on a rant below but sadly this seems to have been confirmed to not just be a rough pass but the final cover and man... I am not excited about this graphic novel just at all. This felt like it really drained any possibility of it turning out good for me and I already had expectations low.
Okay first point, the light sources?? And there is no consistency here with the shadows or lighting, it looks like there's a hundred light sources all at once but none of them are even consistent!
the arrows here represent all the different light sources I can make out and yet the the shadow clearly implies there's only one. I understand wanting to use highlights to give the character a more clear shape but then just give him one or two lights behind him or in front of him? No matter how u follow the light sources, the highlights make no sense and the shadows make even less sense.
Why are the shoulders like that? Like on the legs it's a little understandable, at least those are clearly very heavily affected by perspective, for me I think they are so exaggerated it makes it look like one of the legs is either huge or one is small but that's maybe subjective.
However, the shoulders are unjustifiable, what happened there, what did they do??
I could pick on so much more honestly, how the color choices of piss yellow with no other colors being used, and the harsh pitch black being used for every part of his body is weird. How it looks straight out of Butch Hartman's recent crappy art. But to put bluntly bad start! Also what the HELL is going on with this background??
Seems once again the Bendy team is fine with sending out stuff thinking it's "Good Enough" for Bendy fans and honestly the people trying to tell me to "Be Grateful" for this are just proving that no matter how many times you betray your audience some of em will defend you!
Which is sad tbh. If anything we should be putting MORE pressure on the Bendy team to do better. Cause we deserve better than this, honestly we do. There are amazing artists in the bendy community who could do so much better for a cover. They've employed their fan artists before... Wouldn't it be great to do that for such a lore important book? The book that gives us the identity of one of the main characters in BATIM? The character you spend the entirety of Chapter 4 fighting to save? Not to mention will give several major characters their human designs?
But I guess this is... Good enough...
#ramblez#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#sorry I've been on a positivity streak with bendy I know but I have to be honest and being honest I think this sucks lol#Im sure plenty of people Disagree and while I would argue this is more objective than subjective people will ignore me if they want to#maybe Im just a hater idk#but I do know one thing I sure do hate this and Im pretty sure Ill hate this novel and its designs#but maybe I wont ya never know#anyways if they do retcon batim ink demon I will make a post abt how much I dislike batdrs ink demon design#and why I think all the people saying its better than the og seriously arent understanding#what made batims ink demon good or character design in general tbh#to put bluntly just bc something is popular opinion DOES NOT make it right or a good idea design wise#not everyone is qualified to be a character designer and thats just good advice in general tbh#anyways yeah thats it sorry im being mean today </3#I simply think corporations shouldnt be able to rush out crappy products to their fans and get paid for it but ig thats a hot take now#but esp with how bad that updated employee handbook was too and it still had stolen renders from fans in it...#yeah I dont think theyve learned a damn thing
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#they speak!#it's probably just the illness that's making me extra irritable but like.#roommate kept coming up to me this morning going oh did i wake you up? i'm sorry if i did. did i do that or no? i'm really sorry.#and i kept telling him to stop saying sorry because i didn't have the brain power to phrase#'you could've been more considerate of your volume but you also have the right to use the common space so it's whatever'#but he said it to me again before i went to my room just now and it's like. ok. shut up.#if you actually cared that much u would've just been quieter in the first place actually.#anyways. annoyed. there were some annoying customers in the store today but it was whatever.#i feel like my fucks to give had already worn out with all the ppl in my social circle/my parents and the recent ongoings of that#[redacted] was being passive aggressive to me in the group chat and it's like. ok! idk what u want from me.#and i'm grateful for them for coming over and helping me with cleaning last week#and it's those sorts of actions that let me know they care and want good things for me#but like. i haaaate telling them anything because even innocuous non-private things get turned into judgement with them.#also. more and more i can feel how i'm drifting away from h and now with retrospect i can see how we mutually hurt each other :)#i keep coming back to this one period where i really wanted to take them to try dimsum and they kept saying they were too scared to try it#and in their new friend group they regularly go out n get dimsum together. which on the surface is like. why didn't you want to go with /me#i told you i wanted to share what i liked and i would explain what things were and i could do the talking and you still said no#but it's also very much a reflection of how i always rolled over and enabled them. i never challenged them. i was always passive.#i also feel like i'm heavily neglecting e and a recently and i can tell how the physical distance is affecting us and idk. it's weird.#anyways. another post that should've been a journal entry! lol!#when [redacted] helped with cleaning they also buried my journal under my like#300 packets of sesame candies and i can't be bothered to dig it out. also my bandaids are missing now. <3#ik this also sounds passive aggressive but genuinely appreciate the help i just kinda hate how they think hidin everything in boxes is good#'we need to get you some more storage boxes and containers!!' actually i think that will be the opposite of helpful.#i need everything visible and on open surfaces so i can 1) remember they exist for me to use and 2) not have barriers for me to get to them
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I’m fairly new to the fandom, but I do have a question if you can answer it! Why do people ship Daigo with Aoki / Masato? I tried looking to see if they’ve interacted before, but couldn’t find anything! Sorry for asking I’m just </3 dumb AND I LOVE YOUR ART OF THEM!!! Nerd looking ahhhhhh
hi ! welcome to the community i hope you're having a lovely time so far and ty for enjoyin my stuff :) no need for apologies it's a very fair question to have :]
i cant speak for everyone (all. ten people into masadai anyway) but Personally To Me i just think the idea of them together is very funny. thats quite literally it im afraid..
#snap chats#//twenty page google doc in the background// ignore that. it's mostly for comedic purposes#might also be my fault idk sorry about that. allegedly. idk ive had like three people tell me they started to ship them cause of me 🧍♂️#@mementoasts is another person who's drawn masadai and whose stuff i love and am inspod by .. i love their disneyland fic sm ...#there was another artist on twitter who posted a neat drawing of them but i cant remember who they were and i didnt bookmark it //screams//#recently there's been ANOTHER masadai artist ive started following on twitter - @wifekiryu. his account's n/s/f/w fyi before you go looking#he has a tumblr too @foxdies. i say cause i realized as much recently vjeaKLGJALKGJ#oh but I GUESS ill get deeper into why. /i/ personally ship masadai or whatever#first off they're opposing factions yet their character alignments Do Not Match their roles. stereotypically anyway#aoki who leads the 'surface' of society and is meant to be an admirable figure and someone 'just' when really. he sucks LMAO#though that's not atypical of politicians but just from a stereotypical This Is A Respectable Individual perspective of his role#daigo on the other hand leads the 'underbelly' of society- yk comprised of dangerous criminals and outcasts and whatnot#yet as we know him daigo's compassionate and considerate of his men- he doesnt treat them like tools like aoki does#if put in a room with the two daigo would be most people's choice of person to hang out with. probably open a trapdoor on aoki tbh#and i think thats really cool and epic i always love that kinda Subverting Expectations thing#theres also the fact they both started off like. edgy/angsty in the franchise and then brush up down the line#masato does a stronger 180. publicly. obviously but its still really funny they both have to get their act together#if you wanna talk about in-text reasons. there really is none LMAO I TELLS YOU masadai is pure crack#but if i wanted to pull a muscle reaching then there's daigo being on aoki's side while everyone else is on arakawa's during the funeral#im lying of course. mitsu was behind him. rgg tryna make me forget mitsu exist .... put him back in y8 ....#and ofc ichi joins that side to even out the seating but moving on another Goofy Reason is arakawa being like#'the chairman and my son are like p much the same age Surely he knows how he thinks :)'#and then i just think daigo being all smarmy about outsmarting aoki is really goofy and im choosing to interpret that as personal#they both also have issues with their dad. s. dad/s/. anyway.#tbh the google doc tag was a joke but i really could sit here and list every dumb reason why i think theyre funny together#like i started going over the tag limit so uhhhh yeah needless to say i have a lot of. dumb reasons 💀💀💀💀#one day ill use the main text for long rambles like this but todays not that day Point Is my imagination is rampant im afraid#so the short and sweet of it is I Think It's Funny. And They'd Be Terrible Together. Which Is Why It's Funny.#and the unfortunate part is anything i find funny i obsess over for a year so. //gestures to the mountain of bullshit thats my masadai tag/
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#tis i! tragic daughter one of three!#motherless at age 26#the last wake was today and this was more fun than the 1st. more casual. my moms childhood friends were there#ans it was fun to catch up with my uncle and his side of the family#i feel so weird tho. bc ppl r asking how we r and like genuinely i feel fine most of the time#like my sister is like: i sacrificed so much for my mom and i saw her downslide into death#and im like yea i fucked off to [redacted state] and showed uo after the horrible part was over#and bc im finally on medication i really feel better than i have possibly ever. so its just weird#weird to br at my mother's wake and think: god ive wasted so much fucking time being miserable. i dont want to do that anymore#and i feel like thats an option now. i mean ill always be frustrated by the same things. the difficulty reading and focusing#and the lack of social ease. but it feels like less of a big deal now#i say that now before im entrenched in school again. but idk. its just weird#but idk i love my mom but there was distance there and i have weird insect brain which i think makes it hurt less#i dunno. maybr ill feel it more later. when im on my own again#its just that i never reached out to her. i didnt realy on her and she didnt reach out to me so now things won't change much#i dunno. well see#unrelated
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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Hi im back . For some time
#.mimiming ❜#um . hi im gonna slee soon but i missed you all so much#umm first of all im trying to ccut down in screentime because my therapist told me to#second. after two or three months of convincing myself that i literally do not care im only going to school for just a few more days (onl#y today and wednesday) i literally do not care#i almost keep crying . because well um#idk. i was originally planning on cutting off contact with everyone#because of stuff thats happened before#but my friends. my current friends dont just treat me as a therapist or something so#also one of my wives would probably hunt me down and kill me if i tried to cut off contact#but ill still miss this stupid class and this stupid school and all the stupid teachers and students#and the horrible tasting canteen food#and the playground ive played in eight times total despite being here for 12 years#idk man#also because of my periods my mood swings were so much worse#and i just ..idk i needed a break ig#anyways im back for sometime then ill start looking for a job#me friend said maybe we can do something together#idk#you can always send me asks and dms tho 👍👍#im not really sure . like about anything right now#ill try to get the drawing requests done soon maybe#wild how time passes huh#god i need to stop acting like such a grownup im literally three years old
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🧸🧃⛈️
#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset#bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard#nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc#nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time#in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders....#it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me#(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them)#the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply#also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T#i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!!#my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol#i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot#why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days#many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk#but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie#yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it#hopefully it wasnt even them calling 🤡 i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours#then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do
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do you guys think i should make a faire (etsy for wholesale)……. wholesaling was on my goal list for the year but in a “email local businesses” way not a “put my stuff on a marketplace” way, especially since faire takes a 15% commission & has other fees…. i don’t have the kind of inventory to list a ton of stuff on there but i could start with a few things and see how it goes…. i can stop doing it if i decide it’s not worth it… it would be easier than sending a lot of emails or making a wholesale packet….
#if it goes well i can just start ordering more stock from the jump when i get new things#i don’t think i’m going to put any prints on there bc my runs are too small & i struggle doing reprints as is#sorry to people waiting on reprints i will get around to it i promise. but if i list my prints on faire then i feel like ill never have them#for my store. lol#it also might help me get rid of some stuff that doesn’t do so well for me like those stupid pencils..#i’ve been thinking about it the past couple days bc i just had a conversation w my boss about ordering stickers & she was shocked how little#i order. which makes sense for my business rn but she was telling me i should wholesale#so it’s been on my mind. idk maybe i’ll make an account and list a few things today & see if anybody bites#chatpost#i already know how the website works for the most part bc we use it at work#also should i order a new koozie do you think. it’s my usual summer merch although it’s late for that#people don’t buy them much anyway which is a shame bc i like them
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something that makes me so ill is thinking abt the parallels between gemerl and neo metal sonic. both of them went against eggman in a way that still caused destruction, but then when gemerl is defeated, hes reprogrammed, he gets a family, and a home. when neo is defeated, sure, theyre taken by shadow and omega, but nothing really comes of that. at the end of the day they let them go back.
#me posts#sth#metal sonic#gemerl#this post is NOT dissing gemerl i LOVE gemerl and i love his story so much#just to say.. i want them to meet.. i know they have in the comics but#i want them to meet and i want the parallels to be addressed..#idk if they would hate each other or if metal would just hate sonic more but still auuuuuugh#sonic the hedgehog#i know this totally isnt canon but i like to think maybe sonic didnt want to save them as much. that maybe seeing someone so similar to him#-do such terrible things is something he doesnt want to think abt. hence why he takes the whole thing so unseriously even when metal is-#-essentially spilling their guts abt how unsatisfied they are with life in general#idk.. these tags could be a post of their own or an addition to this even. mayb when i get my thoughts more in order ill add them#man today i was planning on posting my silly comic where i from real life talk to metal sonic on the phone but no you guys get-#-ramblings from the mentally unwell instead
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Yall ever cry (/pos) because of how much you care about the people you've met on kinky tumblr or is that just me?
#Creature rambles#creature is having big feelings#but like i have so much love in my heart for all yall#and im so grateful for all the people ive met and all the ppl i will meet#special shoutout to my phenomenal Dom who ill have been subbing for for 5 months on thr 27th#which is mindblowing to me and not something i thought id ever *ever* get to have#and to all my mutuals i love yall sososoSOso much#double shoutout to the person who made me fanart the other day i have literally no words to describe how flattered i am#love you and your art soSOsomuch#yeah i just...idk i used to describe myself by saying “i care about everything all the time” but in this case i care about everyONE always#ALSO PPL IN MY ASKBOX YOU ARE JOYS IN MY LIFE I WILL GET TO YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE IM SO SORRY#BUT ITS 1AM HERE AND IVE ANSWERED SO MANY ASKS TODAY AND IM EEPY#BUT I LOVE YOU AND VALUE EVERY ASK AND WANT TO DO IT JUSTICE I PROMMY ILL GET TO THEM
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i finally got a money order for my new passport, scheduled my appointment for tomorrow, got my auto insurance printed, and set out vinegar and dish soap gnat traps to finally kill those thangs. literally so adultcore of me. everyone clap
#fr that i am glad i at least got out of the apartment ive been a real homebody for awhile#i ran into a guy from my old creative writing class with his girlfriend that i thought. wasnt real#but no she was really gorgeous and hes just some guy. kind of hilarious seeing couples like that#anyway also got drinks for my gay little minifridge#oh and finally got paid for a comm hooray!!#and i took out the trash#AND im getting some packages today#wow today is so eventful. so much going on#<- doesnt even mean that sarcastically this is way more than i do on an average day#these are all really little. stupid things. but my life used to be so stagnant#maybe it was because i was a child but. all of these things would have scared me to do on my own#if i keep talking im going to get sappy about how i thought i would never get here. like#never live past 18 and never do stuff like this just. normal stuff.#there was a point in my life where the thought of printing important documents made me physically ill#and running into people i know outside? HAH#no way to navigate those social interactions except stare at my feet#idk what changed. i guess i just grew#and im still growing. heart emoji#if i can do these things while im 20 imagine what i can do when im 30 and 40 and 50 etc etc#i can do things on my own. i dont have to grin and bear it. i can put out the gnat traps and kill the gnats#yanno. anyway!
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i did a thing
#crocheting#it was a really shitty day and i don't want to talk about it. i just need to yap#i will probably unknowingly say some borderline deranged traumatizing things further but idk its just the way i am#my existence itself is a major trigger warning so be aware#the only highlight of the day was the (i suppose) wlw couple i saw at the subway while pulling out shit like burdock out of my dress#i won't elaborate on the last piece can i be a little mysterious and less pathetic#so the wlw couple. one girl hugged the arm of the other girl and put the head on her shoulder. i saw that and was like “damn”#if you have a person you can willingly do things like that with you should know i would kill god just to be in your shoes#please cherish it#i didnt really look at them that much but then we got off on the same station and somehow they managed to overtook me#they were right ahead of me still all over each other and then it has striked me#that the girl hugging the arm of the other one was actually disabled and she needed help to walk properly#actually they were faster than me because my legs today are a total mess lol it hurts like hell just to make a step#but this is obviously just a temporary inconvenience and its nowhere near the problem that girl has#i don't compare myself to her in this regard but ive found this parallel kinda poetic#like how i as a relatively healthy individual with no major health issues was envious as fuck of those two#how i was walking in 0.25x with a shit ton of thoughts in my head while she was limping happily with a girl in her hand and smiling#no pity just envy and pure admiration. i want what they have#but im not sure if I deserve it. or actually need it#if i actually had something like that in my hands i don't know whether or not i would crush it into pieces#and then cry over it to the day i die. do you get it. am i too dramatic or too shallow as a person#originally i planned to talk about another thing entirely but this day has crushed my head and heart like a hammer#and now its turned to mush#no i guess it was a mush since long ago. then lets say this day was just crap. or life itself#nothing really happened to me but it reminded me of how helpless i am as a person vs the world and i hate being helpless#maybe ill tell you the story of how i lost the sensation in my fingertips another time when im not that traumatised by life events#(i lost it by saving a damsel in distress after walking out of the night bar a year ago. its a clickbait)
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#love that my body decided to incapacitate me the weekend before i have to read 5 different papers for classes#and it would b one thing to just read them but no for 3 of them i have to give detailed interpretation and 1 i have to present on#ive already failed to read one bc i forgot we had to do 2 papers for monday. oops. not that i could have done it anyway. i barely got 1 done#and im on track to fucking up the one due Tomorrow as well#im just fucking tired of reading fucking chemistry driven papers that i dont understand no matter how many times i read them#and everyones like oh itll get easier but no it fucking wont bc i cant fucking read right#its so fucking frustrating. why do i even bother? im so tried#i don't even have the paper im supposed to present on so ill have to do it all tomorrow. cool. great. not that i could do it today anyway#im just. this is gonna b a difficult week#and i misused my whole day by doing extractions bc i scheduled my training a week ago when i thought i would b fine over the weekend#nope. its fucking bullshit. this is y im like. y do i even want to b in academia?#how could i b a prof if i cant read well? its fine to b dyslexic as a math person but im like i have to read so much and so little gets thru#but then what the fuck else am i supposed to do? idk. im just gonna write down something for all these questions and go tf to sleep#ill get up at some horrible time in the morning to finish this. damn the consequences. ill see my therapist tomorrow anyway#and meet with my advisor like 🤪 yo guess what i made zero progress this week#sorry u got stuck with me while im going thru a year of fucking health problems#but whatever cant get rid of me now im already here. here and tired and i wanna go to bed#unrelated
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i have this weird thing where i want ppl to be really nice to me and pet me and etc but like, i know that’s not possible, at least for me, cause no ones ever gonna see me as a cat. i’m just some guy asking for attention, not this cat you spotted and wanna call over, i am just never gonna feel as innocent as i want to. it hurts so fucking bad
#kitty talks#on the come down of the shrooms and felt a lot today and im thinking a lot and i’m just like haha idk i rlly wish inwas a cat#i wish i could never feel a thing ever. i want thr bliss cats have. i want ro be loved. i wanna be cute. i jusy wanna be small#ive been edging breaking down for so long but it really does suck i really jusy wanna be hugged but i dont wanna be Hugged i wanna be hugged#and i wanr ro cuddle but not like that. i want to be a cat that crawls into bed with someone warm bc i like their heat. i uusy#i dont know i feel so fucking weird rn and it’s mostly bc im like fuck dude is this jusy how ill be forever like am i seriously not gonna +#get over this. am i just gonna live my life begging to be loved like something im not?#am i even acearo? like i am but do i really know what i mean by when i say i dont Like that stuff?#like am i just not interested bc i know it’ll never be possible to truly Be Like That with no worry?#idont know im jusy really sad and im cold and i wish someone was kissing me right now and i wish i was being squeezed#and i am also so tired of dressing up just to feel uglier but i love dressing up and make up too much to Not do it#idk. basically. i wish i was a cat and i wish i didn’t frel ugly all the time
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Spent some time at work trying to come up with a fun character concept for a possible rogue pc for the next campain. This is what i got so far:
A) little fancy lad who is a fallen noble (maybe gothic lolita inspired outfit?) Who is a little snob who basically still acts like a prince despite his family having lost their status
B) stereotypical edgy looking rogue dude (all black leather outfit, face hidden, looks badass and secretive) but has the personality of a puppydog and is just the sweetest ray of sunshine ever (no idea what background to chose for him tho)
C) very chill goth dude who ended up becoming a rogue mostly for the aesthetics (80s goth inspired look) backstory is a hermit because he spent some time alone to find himself, write poetry and make melancholic goth art after his first gf broke up with him
Guess ill wait and see how the other characters are and which concept might work best in the group? I think they would all be fun to play tho
#its so hard to find fun concepts for a rogue tbh#but were playing thief campaigns so we definitely need a rogue and the person who played one until now is the dm now so someones gotta do it#also im not sure if i like any pther class thats useful for this storyline#i kinda wanted to play a very religious lawful good cleric but thats not super useful for heist stories so#idk i think id like to play a wizard most but we already have a wizard and its more fun to have diffetent classes#so uh yeah rogue it is#i tried drawing them (because thats how i make characters idk) and i rly like my goth boy a lot!#but idk how well he would work with the other characters so hmmm#his name is obsidian btw#yes ill keep all my concepts and maybe ill get to use them some other time#i would also enjoy playing a magical girl-aesthetic vigilante rogue (in a very pastel lolita outfit) who is very fun and girly but#but idk how much sense that makes? in the story and everything#im also considering character vouces for all this because i wanna have a fun time playing hehe#anyway thsts what ive been thinking about today#mine#dnd
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