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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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i don't get it. im in a position where i can make so much progress. ive had interviews damn near every day this week. I go to therapy now. i dont do pills. i eat. i try to talk out what im feeling more. but its just not enough. theres STILL something there and im edging closer to it. i can feel it. im on the brink of something horrible. i dont know what's going to happen once i reach that point. im scared of what'll happen. but it feels like once it comes i wont be able to hold back. i genuinely dont know how i did this before

being so busy.. i think it was a buffer. i never felt involved in my feelings really. id just ignore them and hide them away. in one hand, im glad i am where i am. the highs i feel feel so different from back then. ive never felt satisfaction like i do now. some times anyway. but the lows STING. i can really simmer on them now. it gives the gnawing insecurities Ive been feeling a meaning. a place in me that i have to accept. i have to actively accommodate for it all now. or ill implode

every day feels like a gamble. i cant express how little i want to do/be here. i dont care about any of this fr. i care about hurting people. its paralyzing. Ive always been such a people pleaser and i cant let it go. I will minimize everything until i absolutely cant anymore. and atp i feel so backed into a corner. my only two options seem to be either blow up and forced somewhere until i can find the drive to do something other than killing myself... ooor... kill myself. i swear that wasnt on purpose lmfao. but seriously. i mean what are the other options? i can barely push myself to do anything anymore. i dont care to. id isolate from everyone if they didnt reach out so often. well that and they notice now. ive ghosted everyone too many times they all know to just act sad so ill come back T^T

i get really tempted to tell my best friend about all this. i feel like i talk too much about myself nowadays. or talk too little or too boringly on others. but then i reread ts i used to say back/how i used to say it and i think ? i prefer us now ??

HA nah. im sure its the insecurity talking. i really do love her. she is the one and only i know will stick around no matter what. no matter how boring or how angry i get she does not hate my guts. i wish i didnt like her so much tbh. it makes me angry how angry i get with her sometimes. i cant help myself when i notice something off. shes the one person i can openly express my frustrations without consequence. but i take it too far cause of it. ive had no experience with that sorta shit. i try to be better to her cause of it. i think its only fair. the junk ive put her through this last year.. the rage ive thrown at her. thee inattentiveness. selfish. ive been too focused on making myself feel better that ive let her sting because of it. i want to make it up tenfold. she deserves more. and if i cant have her in the way i want her, i will do my best in whatever place she wants me in instead. for now, thats been a more casual friendship. she doesnt talk to me as much about her feelings. her heart is really broken about her ex. as much as i dont understand what she sees in her i know that she needs her time to bounce back. i think shes getting it out of her new person. she talks about how annoying she finds her and how she disrespects her boundaries a lot. they broke up almost immediately. but she stuck around because she felt obligated to and now i think theyre building something better. hopefully. i dont meddle as much now. i dont want to hear it + prying shit from her is NOT worth the effort. when shes ready, shes so eloquent. i love listening to her talk. even when its about nothing

im gonna stop babbling about her now. i wish i wasnt so close with her i swear i make myself disgustingly obvious.. anyway. i bring up all that to say, her battery is dead. i want her to focus on making herself feel better for now. she needs to stop overextending herself so damn much. i wont let myself be another burden for her to bear. though with such a giant rush of new feelings and a single person that i know loves me no matter what.. its kinda hard

i wish that i could talk through everything with her. if only it were that easy.

i think im going to relapse not gonna lie. it makes no sense not to. ig for my health but aside from that? itll help me feel more careless. i wont need to cut myself, i wont need to blow up, i wont need to think anymore. i can just focus on acting sober annnd holding down a job. much easier than holding back whatever this is now. if this could come out of me without leaving a broken mess, i would. but if i ever told anyone my true feelings id make them sad. i need to lash out to gain the momentum to bring it up.

im gonna stop writing now. i feel like ill go on forever again.. its just been tangent after tangent

#dph addiction recovery #vent

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coolest-in-chaldea · 3 years

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hello! im quite excited for this blog fate fic blogs are quite hard to find may i have some headcanons of merlin realizing he has fallen in love and what a relationship would be like hopefully thats okay good luck with the blog!

Merlin Realizing He’s In Love Headcanons

note: hi! thanks so much for being the first request ever sent in!! Sorry this took so long to get to, I’ve been swamped with school and grinding on f/go for daysssss, 90 saint quartz but no 4 or 5 stars 😔💔 also I finally got on my laptop so anon is an option now for anyone wanting to request :D

- Merlin’s vast knowledge of pretty much everything happening at any given time is a little scary, so I don’t think he’s really the type to be dense. I think he’s more likely to pace around and talk to himself for a day or so while ‘deducing’ that his racing heart and flushed face are in fact indicative of falling in love. He’s not super serious like some of the other genius servants, he’s more-so just really awkward at handling social situations since he spent most of his life pretty isolated in his tower.

- Meanwhile, everyone else in chaldea are holding their breaths because the lack of Merlin shenanigans is starting to get suspicious..you and the Camelot servants especially are going ‘awww shit here we go again’ as you anticipate an elaborate scheme to come.

- Merlin definitely isn’t insecure, but I don’t think he’d have any plans of confessing at first because he’s never seriously imagined himself in a relationship. He’s perceptive enough to know that he likes you, but he doesn’t see any significance to it until it starts to get distracting!

- When he eventually starts interacting with you again, he’s 1000% more of a hassle than he usually is. He’s like that one kid in elementary school who just constantly bothers his crush. It doesn’t take long for you to grow tired of Merlin’s 24/7 bs, and when you finally retire to your room for the night you have a frustrated ‘why me?!’ moment. Tbh you’re just trying to figure out what you could’ve possibly done to prompt Merlin’s wrath, but the knights of the round table are painfully aware of why Merlin’s been constantly targeting you.

- Merlin’s an extremely talented mage, and I’m sure he’d switch around or transform some of your things, but I could also see him pulling some of the classic childhood pranks on you with the assistance of magic.

- You’re having a lovely conversation sitting across from Artoria, but when you get up to leave, you immediately trip and faceplant onto the floor. A very concerned Artoria asks if you’re ill and, trying not to lose your cool, you have to explain to her that SOMEONE apparently tied your shoelaces together with an elaborate series of knots in the shape of a flower. There wasn’t anyone else near you, but you both exchange an exasperated look as you know exactly who the culprit is.

- Merlin's flirting is still totally focused on annoying you and/or pissing you off. what can I say? it's just his favorite hobby! He's the type to believe than any attention from you is good attention, so he's more than happy to provoke you in order to put your focus on him. He's not that awful though, and he sticks to being a general nuisance and causing mild inconveniences as opposed to actually harming anyone. He does care a lot about you if he has feelings for you after all, he just has a...funny way of showing it.

- You will constantly be asking yourself 'is Merlin antagonizing me or flirting with me??' (the answer is both btw)

- If you're shorter than Merlin, he always interrupts your conversations by strolling over and using your head as an armrest. If you aren't, sike yes you are actually because the cheeky wizard is now floating to be taller than you >:)

- Merlin has literally zero chill and I think he'd continue to be chaotic af whether he's just crushing on you or you've been dating for years. He probably does like physical contact and cuddling, but he refuses to initiate it like a normal person. He'll eventually get comfortable enough to where he doesn't have to be affectionate via pranks, but don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that Merlin ever gets calm or discreet about it.

- Any time you're sitting on a couch, chair, the floor, or your bed, regardless of what you're doing, he will just come stand next to you and very dramatically fall on top of you (secretly careful not to hurt you of course) and just chill there sprawled over you in whatever ridiculous position you ended up in. If you adjust him to a more comfortable position (his favorites are sitting with his back to your chest and your arms holding him or vice versa and sitting tucked into your side with one of your arms around him and his around your waist) he'll be more than happy to comply, but how you deal with your beloved needy wizard is up to you!

- Tbh I could see a confession going one of two ways, both extremes on opposite ends of a spectrum with no in between. Either

A.) he never officially confesses, but you get the idea and you both come to an agreement of being exclusive to each other (or having communication as partners if you're polyamorous) as well as comfortably doing everything a couple would, just with an official label OR

B.) He's a total showoff and performs the most absurd, elaborate and extreme confession with magic the world has ever seen. I cannot get the thought of those brilliant wizard pronoun images made by iguanamouth out of my head-

I'm imagining THIS but it's a confession like those 'will you be my date to prom?' signs people make 😳

#merlin x reader #merlin fgo #fgo merlin #fgo x reader #fate grand order x reader #merlin imagine #caster merlin #fgo imagines #fate grand order imagines #fgo headcanons #fate grand order headcanons #fgo reader insert #fate grand order reader insert #fgo merlin x reader #fate series x reader #fate series headcanons #fate series imagines #fgo fanfic #fate series fanfic

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yellowbluemoonshine · 4 years

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Tbf the heroes don't know what happened to Tenko. They look at Shiggy and see a guy who attacked USJ and tried to kill the Symbol of Peace, who organised attack on a summer training camp and kidnapped a kid, who leveled down a whole city and who now is leveling another one. They don't see a victim bc they don't know he is one. But they do see the damage he does and act accordingly.

Yeah but thats not all they see. Especially this arc. Heroes arent stupid. They have enough information to see Shigaraki as victim.

1- They know that there is no sign about Shigaraki in records which means hever never go to school like normal kids, he didnt get quirk counseling, but most importantly it means that society never support Shigaraki Tomura, if they were, they would know.

2- They know Shigaraki is mentally child and they also know that he just NEW started to grow, they immediately realized there might be some adult behind the kid. Someone who groomed him.

3- Then, later they found All For One. The person who is behind of the kid. Afo is a man who is famous with manipulating people. When they heard about this, again, they could understand. Afo made it clear that he wants Shigaraki to be successor and again another proof that Shigaraki was groomed.

4- Shimura Tenko. Allmight and Gran Torino literally know what kind of person Afo is. They even knew that Afo targeted the kid, they must’ve been understand there is something wrong with this sitution, like Shigaraki didnt become this way because he is evil but they kept it as secret. They said they will research but there is no voice since then.

5- Kurogiri. They literally saw that how Shirakumo, hero student became a dangerous villain. Not only they saw how good person can become a villain but also they saw Shirakumo is still in there. That there is a hope.

6- Noumus. Heroes knew that noumus are people who are victim of science. Shigaraki was in one of that tupes, he was being used and treated as tool but instead of thinking he might be victim, they dehumanized him more and more.

etc etc etc.

Its not that they dont understand Shigaraki is victim but easier to believe that he is not cause saving him would be hard.

Now, you might say that somes knows nothing about those informations, they dont know everything.

For the ones who knows something, they are the ones who could’ve change things but they chose not to. Like Gran Torino who knows Afo and Shimura history or Aizawa who literally ignored the evidence that Shigaraki is might be just like Eri, just like Kurogiri.

Well, for people who know none of them, i wouldnt fully blame them but problem is more like the way system is. The heroes who knows something about it, literally covered it up and didnt even warn people about it. The posibility that Shigaraki is a victim.

Because they dont actually interested in changing things or rehabilition of villains. The system is normalizied the violence towards villains that most heroes ignore the fact that villains are humans too.

You might say what else they could do? Well, many things actually cause heroes are the ones who have the power in society. They are the ones who control of the sitution.

They could talk about this subject, instead of covering up. They could research about it more. They could at least listen and trying to understand this sitution.

You might say They have no time to talk.

But funny, they have time to blame him for existing.

And yeah, i guess, burning someone alive or trying to kill him is easier than talking...

You might say But Shigaraki needs to be stop so they have no choice to do this.

Yeah, Shigaraki needs to be stopped, of course, they cant let people die. But they have no choice? This is not true.

In story, many times it shown that heroes know how to be amazing when they wanted to. They can make a lot of miracles in most impossible situtions and at least, they always try. Why? Cause they think its worth it. And in those times, they will try their best.

It’s not that they cant save Shigaraki. Its that they cant bother with it. They think its not wothy to save someone like that. They will literally ignore every evidence in front of them. Even though, Shigaraki literally showed his suffering in front of them.

You might say why they would care about murderer’s suffering but again, its about the system they are in. The way villains are treated. Just because someone is criminal or villain, it doesnt mean they deserve to die or being treated as less human being. They ignore Shigaraki cause thats how villains are treated in society and they dont plan to change it cause they are so blinded by system.

And again, they wont try to save Shigaraki cause he doesnt cry like Eri or openly asking for help. They think good people will always stay good and they will hold their feelings forever but this is impossible cause everyone has breaking point and despite heroes knows in deep that they will still ignore it.

And you might say Shigaraki and other villains didnt have to kill people etc etc but Like Shigaraki and story explained it many times;

the people in league, they were good people and they tried, they endured, until enduring pain is not being a option, since society doesnt listen, destruction is literally the only way of victims can express their pain.

So; Villains can only express theirselves with destruction cause noone will listen to them. Heroes can do something but they wont cause they dont understand the suffering of victims in society.

Now, dont get me wrong. I love heroes cause i love the idea of saving someone but in bnha, heroes are really not heroes. All hero side is have is idea of hero, ieda of justice, they are in love with idea of heroes so much, they will ignore the victims who needs to be saved.

I dont necessarely think that they are bad or good people. When i analyzie someone, i only focus that person, not all at once. Not every heroes are same kind of person. I am sure that some of them are really good intentionally people, just like Deku but some heroes are really at fault and they intentionally ignoring things and make it worse.

The problem with hero side is not that they are evil but they are in pretty messed up system and they dont even try to change it cause they dont understand how much messed up it is. Some truly dont understand, some ignores, some use this for their selfish desires, with every way, its hard to root for them when they are supporting this messed up system while ignoring victims They dont even try to understand which is so frustrating, especialy as we readers know flaws but heroes ignores and they dont even make any effort :///.

And again, i love justice, heroes etc etc but i have no intention of ignoring what they are doing right now. Cause villains at least admit but heroes always justify it and call it as justice and thats so messed up.

Lets say; I truly believe that Deku is kind, good person (he is my favorite character with Shigaraki) but i also think that what Deku doing to Shigaraki right now is wrong cause its not that Deku cant understand or do something else. He can but he doesnt see Shigaraki as worth it cause he is villain and in hero society villains are meant be destroyed by heroes. But i want Deku to face and understand this why its wrong, one day.

The reason i mostly rooting for league, despite loving idea of heroes is because league, villains are pitifull. They are live in pretty unhealthy environment, they live with heavy mental illness, they are treated as monsters and i dont see what else they could do but hero side, they are at least live in healthy environment, they have lifes, happy moments and they can do something but they chose not to. And at least, the things league, villains did are changing things, challeging the system but heroes dont do anything. I also believe that we are meant to root for Shigaraki’s group too, especially this arc.

(Hope you understand me, i dont really hate heroes and i have different opinion for every characters, i dont just divide them as villains and heroes but right now, its exteremely hard to root for them, well, i hope they can get good character developments already.)

#hero society #anon

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domesticangel · 3 years

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I'm sorry if this ask makes you uncomfortable, I'm not sure, if it's something to discuss with strangers. But do you think there's a concrete way to tell your sexuality?

I've considered myself straight, since I've never felt romantic feelings towards women, but I had sexual fantasies about them even before I had them about men. Your Yugioh post made me remember hoping my barbies would turn alive to do horny things with them... And now, when I'm lucid dreaming (so it's conscious), I go for whoever there is, no matter the gender.

My confusion stems from being an extremely visually stimulated person, so even fashion Items or makeup can make me h word. So I'm really not sure if I'm bi-sexual, or just find women pretty and trying to be spicy straight.

Sorry again if it's inappropriate, I'm not sure who to even talk about this. And I'm not really in a place to find out through trial anytime soon lol

NAH YOURE FINE but its the kind of ask i could see making maybe someone else uncomfortable, so in the future you might wanna ask someone before sending something like this! but it doesnt bother me personally, so ill go ahead and answer ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

cramming under a cut since it got kinda long LOL

sooo i dont think for everyone sexuality is going to be a “concrete” thing. for some people it very much is, which is great, but for some people it can be very fluid and changing. i dont think either way is better than the other; they just Are. i only mention this bc i have also very much been where you are so i know it can be pretty stressful and frustrating, feeling like you cant even really tell what your own sexuality is, especially since my brain has never been the best at handling grey areas. i identified as bi for the vast majority of my life before realizing i was actually a lesbian. and i dont say that to equate bisexuality with confusion, but rather to illustrate just how long of a process really understanding the nuances of your own sexuality can be, and how truly normal and okay it is to explore different identities

i would suggest considering why you dont think youve ever had romantic feelings towards a woman or never could; this can actually be a very common thing for wlw bc of compulsive heterosexuality--women live their entire lives in a world that for the most part tells them that love between two women could never be “real” or romantic. its kinda like that whole messy stereotype that biphobes and homophobes like to propagate about bi people being confused, and that bi women are just confused straight women and bi men are just confused gay men. it centers around men. so when women’s sexualities have always been defined by their relationship to men, it can be really hard to figure out how you feel about people who ARENT men, and can def lead to the kind of confusion it sounds like youre having. mainstream Love as a concept is really so eaten up with heterosexual archetypes that they can muddy up your own feelings on what it means for you specifically to love someone regardless of their gender if that makes sense

re: visual stimulation: i think that can differ for everyone, and may or may not play a part in their sexuality. for example, you might become aroused because you associate fashion and makeup with women you find attractive/youre attracted to femininity, OR you might find them stimulating because of a certain mood or vibe they evoke for you, like feeling sexy, the idea of dolling yourself up for someone, etc. or it could very well be both!!!

just from what i can gather from this ask, it sounds to me like youre sexually attracted to women but struggling with figuring out the romantic side of things. ill make this clear first and foremost; i dont believe in the split attraction model, so im not positing youre “bisexual but heteroromantic” or anything like that. HOWEVER sometimes certain aspects of attraction as a whole are easier to parse than others. i know for sure that way before i ever considered IDing as a lesbian i was wildly physically attracted to women but really only gave credence to the crushes i got on men ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

tbh i wouldnt worry too much about it. and i dont mean that in a brushing off kind of way; more in a you absolutely have time to figure this out and explore your options type way. let yourself feel the way you feel about people, try to think about it without OVER thinking, and just be open to things. treat it like a journey at your own pace rather than a timed exam. if you dont want to figure things out by trial as you said right now or for a long time? thats fine. that option will always be waiting for you when youre ready for it. and remember, if bisexuality is something youre considering may be a proper fit, it doesnt have to be 50/50. you could be 90% attracted to people of different/dissimilar gender and 10% attracted to people of same/similar gender and you would still be 100% bi, not a “fake,” not spicy straight. try calling yourself bi. try calling yourself straight. see how it feels and if it fits. dont be afraid of thinking youre one thing and turning out to be the other. this isnt something you can get “wrong.” sexuality can be totally messy and confusing for a lot of people, even after you think youve gotten it all figured out; one of the best things about being alive is how you feel about and interact with other people, but thats such a vast and varied experience that its totally normal imo for it to be nonlinear and not always clear cut. either way your sexuality is yours to explore no matter where you end up

#txt #sorry this is so like long and meandering and possibly. not even helpful at all HJFGDSLKHDSKJFH

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backtobackbakubabe · 4 years

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Baby its Cold Outside (PART 10)

Bakugo x Reader

Barefoot in the Kitchen

Words: 2406

PART 1 HERE, PART 2 HERE, PART 3 HERE PART 4 HERE PART 5 HERE , PART 6 HERE PART 7 HERE PART 8 HERE PART 9 HERE PART 10 HERE PART 11 HERE PART 12 HERE PART 13 HERE PART 14 HERE

*****************************************************************************************************

Moving was awful. You hated packing. You hated unpacking. You hated the weather. It was too damn hot. You hated everything. It didn't help that you were still feeling sick. You had gone to see a doctor after Bakugo practically forced you to, and they had run some test. You were expecting a call any minute now to discuss the results.

Bakugo had been so irritable the past few days. He hated moving just as much as you did. He wanted everything to be put away in its proper place as soon as possible and you were just slowing everything down. He had to go behind you and fix everything because he liked everything a certain way. He was trying not to yell at you because he knew you weren't feeling well, but then he would just get even more frustrated because he knew you were ill and he didn't know how to make it better. So he was grumpy and you were cranky and you both just needed a break.

After your apartment was compromised you both had decided it was time to move into a house. You were pro heros, you could afford it, so you moved into a nice gated community. It was a lot farther from work than you would have liked, but weirdly enough it was kind of close to UA. Maybe you’d go pay Aizawa a visit soon.

You were in the middle of putting the dishes away (which you knew was pointless because Bakugo was just going to rearrange them anyways) when your phone rang. Giving you an excuse to take a break.

“Hello?”

“Hello is this Y/n Y/L/N?”

“Yes. Can I ask who is calling?”

“This is Dr. Jeong. You came into my clinic yesterday. I’m calling with your test results.”

You sighed in relief, “Oh thank god. What’s wrong with me doc and how do I fix it.”

He cleared his throat sounding a bit uncomfortable, “Well I wouldn’t necessarily say anything is wrong with you. And as for how you fix it... well I would say you should be fine in about eight months.”

You froze.

“Y/N you are pregnant. Congratulations.”

“I’m.. what? I’m Pregnant?”

“I take it by your tone you were not expecting this. But yes, you are pregnant about four to five weeks along I’d say. If you would like to set a follow up appointment I would be glad to refer you to an excellent colleague of mine who is an OBGYN.”

It took a while before you realized he was waiting for you to respond, “Oh.. uh yeah. That would be great. Would you mind emailing it to me. I’m in the middle of moving and I don’t have anything to write it down.”

“Of course. I’ll have someone send that over to you right away. In the meantime I would hold back on overusing your quirk. All that exertion isn’t good for the baby and is likely what is making you so sick. It’s your bodies way of trying to get you to slow down. Do you understand?”

You felt like a child be scolded for something you didn't even know you did, “Oh yeah of course! Had I known I wouldn't have been pushing myself so hard to begin with!”

“Well that’s all I have for you now. Have a great day and congratulations again.”

You sat there suspended in time for a while. You didn't know how to feel. On one hand you were really excited. You’ve always wanted kids, and you cant imagine doing it with anyone other than Bakugo. On the other hand. You’ve only been together for a little over six months and you don’t even know if he wants kids. You hadn't had that talk yet. Sure Zuko grew on him, but Zuko is not a human baby.

“Oi, what gives? You’ve been staring at that box of dishes for like five minutes.”

Your cheeks flushed, “Oh uh nothing! I was just trying to figure out where I should put the coffee mugs.”

He squinted his eyes at you like he didn't believe you, but he didn't push you, “Probably in the cabinet above the coffee pot... You know like most normal people.”

“Pfffft why didn't I think of that. Thanks Honey. What would I do without you!”

He kept looking at you like you had lost your mind, “Look I’m going to the store to pick up some stuff, is there anything you need while I'm there? And no, Ice cream is not an option... You’ve literally been eating it everyday and someone has to be the adult. You need real food.”

You bit your lip as you realized how dad like that statement was. “Okay Dad...” You giggled at your stupid little inside joke. Oh you'd be getting that ice cream. “I’m fine just hurry back,”

He kissed your cheek, “Try not to break anything while I’m gone okay.”

As soon you heard the door click closed you ran to the bedroom. You shuffled through boxes of clothes until you found a plain white t shirt. You knew Bakugo would get mad but you didn't care. He’d only be mad for a minute... you hope.

You took out a sharpie and wrote Big Brother on it.

“Come here Zuko! Come here buddy!” You slipped the shirt over him with little fuss. “Oh daddy’s in for a surprise when he gets home huh? Oh yeah we’re going to freak him out aren't we buddy?” You rubbed Zuko's head before going to your stomach. Oh this is so weird. Theres something growing inside of you. Like a little human is in there right now! A little Bakugo... oh shit, “Baby please don’t blow mommy up okay?”

You sat your pregnant ass down on the couch, deciding you are done with unpacking for the day. And no one can tell you shit because you’re pregnant and that’s just how it goes.

Bakugo retuned home and went straight to the kitchen to put away the groceries, “Y/N! Did you not do a single thing while I was gone? You literally asked me where to put the coffee mugs and then you just left them on the counter...”

You stood in the doorway to the kitchen, “Daddy’s home!”

He rolled his eyes, “I swear are you on something I don’t know about? You’re acting so weird. Since when do you call me daddy? We’re kinky but we’re not that kinky y/n.”

Just then Zuko ran in excited to see Bakugo, “And what the fuck is this?! That’s my shirt women. You cant go putting my clothes on the fucking dog! Have you fucking lost it?”

You went over and started putting the coffee mugs away while he leaned down to try and take the shirt off Zuko.

“Big brother? Fuck Y/N did you get another dog? We just finished training Zuko we dont have time...” You froze as you let him put the pieces together.

“Get the fuck out of here? Are you pregnant?”

You were too scared to see his reaction so you just nodded, continuing to put away coffee mugs. You leaned over to pick up a box of cutlery.

“PUT IT DOWN! Are you trying to kill me! You tell me you’re pregnant and then immediately attempt to pick up a heavy box. Put it the fuck down!”

You finally turned around to see Bakugo with tears threatening to spill out. He took your face in his hands, “You’re really pregnant?”

You nodded again, a tear slipping down your cheek. “Yes, I got the call today..” His lips crashed to yours.

You pulled back to look him in the eye, “So I take it you’re okay with that?”

He dropped to his knees and kissed your still flat belly, “Okay with it? I’m so fucking excited! Y/N we get to have a little mini you!”

You laughed, “Or a mini you. I’d be okay with a little Katsuki.”

He scoffed, “I was a little asshole.”

You quirked an eyebrow, “Was?”

He slapped your ass, “Just because you’re pregnant doesn't mean you can get sassy with me now.”

You ran your fingers through his hair, “Oh that’s exactly what it means. Now let’s go get that Ice cream you told me I wasn't aloud to have.”

He stood back up and kissed your forehead, “I dont know. Now that I know you're pregnant I feel like I should be cooking even healthier food. Only the best for my baby.”

“Katsu-”

“I’m kidding! Besides... I already got you ice cream.”

You kissed his nose, “You’re the best!”

He picked you up and placed you on the counter, “Is it weird that knowing you’re pregnant makes me want to take you right here?”

You bit your lip, “Is it weird that I want you too?”

Your sweatpants were practically torn off and within seconds he was pushing inside you. “Of fuck babe!” You didn't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or what but you could have came right then and there. You were so sensitive.

He was so gentle which was so unlike him. He pressed his forehead against yours, one hand on your hip the other one cradling your neck. He left soft kisses all over your face and chest. It was so sweet. He took one of your breasts in his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze which had you moaning, “I can’t wait for these to get even bigger.”

You huffed, “They're not the only thing that’s going to get bigger... I’m going to blow up like a balloon.”

He took you chin in his hand and gave you a fierce kid. “That just gives me more of you to love. You’ll always be the sexiest woman in the room to me.”

So that’s how you christened the kitchen. And then the living room. And then you tried to clean up and take a shower, and damn if you didn't fuck there too.

Now you were both laying in bed, completely naked, spooning and watching something on netflix. Katsuki’s hand rubbed lazy circles on your stomach, “You think I’m going to be a good dad?”

You took took his hand in yours and intertwined your fingers, “I think you’re going to be a great dad.”

When he didn't respond you elaborated, “I think you’re going to love our kid with a passion thats unmatched by anyone. Just like the way you love me. I think you’ll teach them to be smart enough to know the difference between right and wrong, and I think you’ll teach them to be strong enough to choose right every time no matter hard that might be. You’ll teach them to be brave and hardworking just like you.”

He nuzzled his head into your shoulder, “I don’t deserve you. You’re so sweet, and loving and.. and just genuinely kind. I know that’s what you’ll teach our kids. You’ll teach them empathy, compassion, and selflessness. I may teach them how to fight but you’re definitely going to be the one to teach them when to walk away. You’ll teach them to see the best in others and how to express their feelings in a positive way.”

“Sounds like a pretty damn good kid if you ask me.”

You didn’t have to see him to know he was smiling, “Well they’re our kid, of course they’re going to be awesome. Can you imagine if they go one our quirks? Or shit maybe some weird combination of the two? Unstoppable. Future number one hero material!”

You rubbed your stomach, “I’m just glad kids don't develop quirks until after they're born and a little older. Can you imagine a vanishing baby?! Or having to worry about the little nugget setting off explosions while they’re still in the womb?!”

He chuckled, “I remember my mom duck taping fire retardant gloves on my hands when I was little to keep me from setting things on fire. Little did she know she was just making it worse because my hands sweat so much worse in the gloves and made me explosion so much bigger.”

“Yeah you joke all the time about putting a bell on me but my dad actually would do that! Of course when I was little I could only go a couple feet but still, he was losing me constantly!” Bakugo was full on laughing now, “Well at least we’re not our parents right? We’ll be able to help them out a little no matter what their quirk is.”

His laughter stopped and you could tell there was something bothering him. “What if they’re quirkless?” You could hear the sadness in his voice. No doubt remembering all the years he bullied Izuku for being quirkless.

“So what? We’ll love them anyways. And when they get older we’ll tell them the story about uncle Izuku and how he wanted to be a hero so bad he practically made it happen.”

“What if they hate me? The way I hated my mom...?”

You turned around to see the worry etched into his face, “None of that now. They will love you! It’s hard not to.” You gave him a soft smile.

“Oh shit what if it’s a girl?!”

You giggled, “What do you mean? Just an hour ago you were hoping it was a little mini me.”

He ran a hand over his face, “Yeah well that was when I was imaging a little baby, maybe even a toddler. I’d love to have a daddy’s girl. But shit what about when she gets older? You’re beautiful! If she looks anything like you I’ll have to beat the boys off with a stick!”

“Or girls. You don’t know what she’s into...”

“FUCK! I’ll have to worry about everyone! I’ll never be able to sleep at night!”

You laughed, “Ah you’ll be fine. Maybe you’ll luck out and we’ll have a boy first. A little mamma’s boy”

He smirked, “I like how you say first. Insinuating that there will be more kids after this one. We’ll have our own little hero family...”

You gave his lips a quick peck, “Sounds like a great idea to me. After all we are pretty good at the whole baby making process by now”

He gave you a devilish grin, “Oh yeah, all this talk about baby making... makes me want to you know practice.”

#bakugo x reader #bakugo x y/n #bakugo #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugō #bakugo imagine #bhna #bhna bakugou #bhna imagine #bhna x reader #mha bakugou #mha #mha imagines #mha x reader #my hero academia

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painfog · 4 years

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Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

#and like i said ill post a more complete version at some point when i have time and my laptop #but dw that one ill be able to put under a cut #asks #long post #top surgery #fibromyalgia #is there a tag for chronically ill trans ppl?? i feel like there should be the venn diagram is pretty chunky #medical //#also its 2am as im writinf this lmao sorry if it doesnt make sense

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yvvaine · 5 years

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ASOIAF hot takes ?

I’m not in the best mood right now as I have been working on an essay on the legality of war crimes all week (which is very uplifting in case you were wondering), but that kinda means I want to take out my frustration on something SO LETS JUMP IN:

1) Not much of a hot take but Dany is going be a villain, loves. Don’t misunderstand me: NOT. CRAZY. Nor will to be a sudden, last-minute twist either, looking at you Dumb & Dumber. She’ll be fully in control of her actions, impulsive with violence like she has a long habit of being, and it will end up having dire consequences that solidify her tyrannical tendencies. She’ll hurt and kill a lot more innocent people (more than she has has already….which is still more than a lot of people are comfortably admitting). And it will only become more apparent as the books continue. As the GRRM approved Meereenese Knot Essays basically stated: the dream sequence in the last novel was ultimately a turning point for Dany toward an even darker path where she embraces the family motto to a draconian degree.

2) It’s worth saying just for the record that I love Daenerys’ idealism and her crusade for a more just, equitable world (how much you think that crusade is actually for personal gain, survival, and/or ambition under the general guise of righteousness is on you though), but it ended up being pointless and ill-executed.

2B) On that point, I’m vehemently against those who counter any criticism of her crusade, specifically how she handled the crucifixion of all men wearing togas (which were a symbol of wealth, not just of owning slaves) over the age of 14, as being “pro-slavery” when that’s usually far, far from reality. I’d argue that though she tried to make the situation better, which is again admirable, she eventually becomes a glorified slaver herself, literally. “Mysa is a master”. Think about it, I mean at first she “liberates” cities based upon opportunity, and impulse, and what they can offer her, at that moment. But it’s a short term power/resource grab, and all she ends up doing is creating a bigger mess for the mostly-innocent people that live there, sentencing them to lives in horrid conditions like hunger, death, violence, and poverty. In Meereen she uses the people that she liberates (and its not like these “ex”-slaves had better options other than to follow her, or families elsewhere, etc. … plus to them she’s this albino goddess come out of ashes to save them who has these magical, thought-to-be-extinct dragons; it seems reasonable she’d amass a following on that alone) as her unpaid labor force in various inhumane conditions. Then the city becomes so mismanaged, chaotic, and violent because she is so inept at actually, ya know, ruling, that she allows said people to sell themselves BACK into slavery, SO LONG AS SHE GETS A 10% CUT…. sort of like A SLAVER. I just don’t think the metaphorical America in GRRM’s Afghanistan, considering how anti-war he is in real life, and how disastrous he’s said that that expression of imperialism actually was, is going to end up being the good, ethical guy you want in charge by the end of his novel allegorizing the triumphs and pitfalls of power. His whole point is that good intentions don’t guarantee good actions or good outcomes, however honorable that they might be. Short term decisions are just that; short term.

3) Sansa is not like Lysa in any way besides their casual connections to Littlefinger (of totally different natures) and their red fucking hair. I see a lot of gifsets or meta —usually by extreme Arya stans (which to be fair: you do you! I’m not about to sit here and tell anyone how much they should or shouldn’t love a particular character; the whole point of literature is that its entirely subjective and based off of emotional connection) — that states to some degree or another Arya = Lyanna and Sansa = Lysa when like….. no. I agree its very apparent that Arya shares a lot of personality and appearance-related attributes with her paternal Aunt, but that does not foil to her sister and other Aunt. If anything Arya has a stronger Lysa-connection with the whole “jealous of the more beautiful and dutiful red-haired older sister” thing. But that’s a silly and superficial parallel at best, just like claiming a connection to Lysa/Sansa because of shared geography and a “Tully look”. Moreover, on the Tully note, there’s nowhere that it says Sansa and Lysa look alike the same way the text explicitly says Arya and Lyanna do. They just both have red hair and blue eyes. That fact alone is not enough to constitute a parallel; in the books their face shape, eye color, physical figures, and other attributes like cheekbones are described totally different. Even the color of their red hair is described in different shades.

4) People need to stop discounting Sansa’s connections to Lyanna. Yes, they are not alike in looks or personality the way that Arya and Lyanna are, but their stories align very closely in many ways that Arya and Lyanna’s do not. Both were Northern princess with broken betrothals to “Baratheons”. Both were debatably romantically involved with Crown Princes. Both were given tourney roses. Both “kept/imprisoned” in the South. Both’s strengths were underestimated because of their beauty (Porcelain, Ivory, Steal, vs. You saw her beauty, but not the iron underneath). Their siblings went to war for them (and independence too) and their fathers and brothers were executed in the south, on the King’s orders. Both have strong song motifs, rose motifs, etc. And they share a lot of literary quotes besides their famous beauty v. metal parallel (i.e. “like a ghost, dead before her time” is repeated once in regards to Lyanna, and once again by Sansa, no other times). Just…. stop discounting them.

5) Arya’s story is not one of duty and ladyship, stop trying to fit her into that mold. She doesn’t want to be the wife, mother, or queen. In her own words: “Thats not me, that’s Sansa”. She’s finding herself and trying to survive while being true to who she is at the same — that’s her journey of personal growth. To accept her rebellious nature, her untamed wildness, her adventurous spirit and know it doesn’t make her a freak or bad at being a woman. While I know a lot of people might hope that the end of her journey is like, “I’ll be a queen of the people sitting at my desk doing paperwork and running a castle and kingdom and all that it involves”, but I would be sorely disappointed if that’s her endgame, the woman they’ve been trying to mold her into since the beginning. I can understand why: she understands the common folk and their needs, wants, and humanity, in ways that no other contender for queen does. Daenerys has always been a degree removed from the people, even when she wast technically supposed to be a part of them re: her marriage to Khal Drogo, and she has become further and further removed from the people she rules over ever since. Margaery doesn’t truly, truly care about them, but rather sees them and their love as a source of popularity/power. Cersei is Cersei. Sansa bought into the role of the “high dignified lady” and the class system that unwittingly upholds the duty she’d been taught to model, and though she is learning that its a load of crap - especially as the “bastard” Alayne - and has always been very, very kind throughout her imprisonment in Kingslanding to dealing Sweetrobin in the Eryie, she still has a long way to go before she is truly a lady of the people, (which i think is the crux of Sansa’s journey).

I think I’ll stop there - thats enough ranting for one day! It did make me feel a little bit better though, I have to say! Thank you for the ask dear

#Anonymous #asoiaf meta #meta #daenerys targaryen #sansa stark #arya stark

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traumawings · 4 years

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really long vent that wasn’t supposed to be this long

so for that report i still had to finish, i also had to come up with some kind of final product to process the stuff i put in the report (and obviously you can also add stuff that doesn’t necessarily have to do with the topic of your report)

and my report was about graphic design so (after several days and a lot of frustration) i came up with the idea to make an infographic about something psychology related because obviously you’d associate that with graphic design (not haha)

so i was like ah yes, finally, i can dump all the knowledge i’ve acquired over the span of like,,, 2 years??? about this shit

and i was planning on making the topic of the infographic a specific mental illness/disorder. so far my options are ADHD (bc personal experience duh lmao, and i’ve actually given a presentation about ADHD before anyway aaaand spent hours researching it before i received my diagnosis because i wanted to know wtf was going on haha), DID (because i honestly find DID super interesting and it’d be a nice excuse to read articles and stuff again) or the difference between PTSD and c-PTSD (because,,, i don’t really know, it just sounded like a semi-good idea)

and like i’m kinda leaning towards picking DID as the topic for the infographic but there are so many factors and aspects etc and it’s so complex that i feel like a simple infographic wouldn’t do it justice??? because i’d also wanna include little parts about the attachment theory, the theory of structural dissociation and comorbid disorders but i don’t think i’d be able to fit all of that in one infographic

and with ADHD i’m kinda scared that i’ll kinda oversimplify just what exactly the disorder entails and make it sound too much like a mere childhood problem when it’s not just that. it would be easier to fit all of the information about ADHD in one infographic (obviously i’d never be able to make it 100% complete but it would be close enough i guess) and picking ADHD as the topic would probably make my teacher less worried about me than if i were to make an infographic about a very severe, trauma-related disorder like DID (i mean not that i really care but i also do)

and i feel like comparing PTSD and c-PTSD isn’t really fit for an infographic so i’m just going to skip that one lol

like picking ADHD would be ‘easier’ i guess because, y’know, personal experience haha

but DID is currently more interesting to me and i feel like i’d be able to find a whole lot more information about DID than ADHD

and i’ve pretty much wasted my whole day literally trying to decide on a topic to pick

like i definitely wanna make it psychology related because that’s atleast interesting to me (my original plan was to make a cookbook but that just made me not wanna get started at all and as soon as i came up with the idea of making a psychology related infographic, i immediately had a lot more inspiration so i think thats says enough lol)

idk i guess that my plan for now will be to first just gather all the information about DID that i can find and then pick what i wanna put in the infographic

and if that gets too overwhelming, i can always just pick ADHD as the topic instead

but i kinda don’t want to do that because i’ve already given a presentation about ADHD once so i wanna do something else this time yknow??

anyway this post got way too long and it’s late again so i’m gonna try and gather some info and stuff

#vent #ventpost #vent post #long read #school #psychology #ADHD #DID #PTSD #mine

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love-elisa · 4 years

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leo,

“always write first things uppermost in your heart” - edgar allan poe

youre were always so serious, you know? it feels a strange mixture of uncomfortable and incredibly amazing to see you so happy so often, im glad she could bring you that.

do you remember the earlier days of our friendship? back when i could hardly look at you without getting antsy and you focused so much attention on me to try and help me get comfortable (i never did thank you, did i?). i still have that stupid picture i took of you on the bus, although you probably have no idea what im talking about.

i miss a lot of stupid things about you, things i remember distinctly not liking. i used to be so frustrated that you were taller than i was, which is honestly kind of funny now. i kept telling myself that it wouldnt last long. i had always been the tallest in my classes, and i guess you threatened some part of me that wanted to feel special. you never made me feel bad about myself (on purpose, that is) even though i constantly found myself trying to learn about the things you spoke so easily about. youve always been so smart it made me want to better myself, to impress you i guess.

do you remember helping me to buckle myself in when i couldnt reach on that one ride? (im still embarrassed about that, actually. i hope i thanked you, but just in case i didnt, consider this my thanks.) or do you remember offering to hold my hand on that roller coaster? you stayed right within reach the entire time, and it honestly brought me so much comfort. i still remember when we first got on and you kept looking over to me and asking if i was alright. i didnt have the heart to tell you it felt like my heart was going to explode or that my head felt so light i thought i might lift off of the ground. at the time, i couldnt figure out what made me so dizzy, but it didn’t feel necessarily bad. only looking back do i realize that it was you. you had never felt closer to or further from me, honestly.

i’m not sure i ever told you what Pyxis said to me, did i? i cant place where exactly in the day it was (who am i kidding i probably could), but we were waiting in a line and she turned to me, leaning in and whispered that she thought she might have a crush on you. i didn’t know, but that would be the first of many other girls telling me they liked you. i should have told you, honestly. it would have been a huge confidence boost to you.

sometimes i wonder what would have happened had i just said something to you or to Pyxis or anyone at all. but then again, everyone else would have still come along, and we probably would have still gotten to where we are now; near strangers.

i dont blame anyone, though.

i feel like i should confess more to you, knowing that you’ll never read this.

the next person to tell me they were into you was Vulpecula, i think. i cursed whatever it was about me that made people tell me things, but now im glad they do. Vulpecula is probably still into you, honestly. i don’t think she’d forgive me if she knew i had helped you and Virgo get together, so that’ll have to be our little secret, huh? she told me she liked you after school one day, i dont remember what we had been talking about. i encouraged her, of course. you two seemed to get along well, you had a lot in common. she was too shy to tell you though, so i guess we were equals in that.

i cant get your focused/confused face out of my mind. that weird little scrunch, the tightly pulled together eyebrows, the lip biting. honestly, thats the face you seem to make the most. it makes me smile to think that you would probably read this with that face, like you didn’t quite understand what was going on or how so many people could be so infatuated with you and you have no idea.

Virgo was the last one to tell me. i think we were at the drive in (just she and i) when she suggested it. i agreed with her on every last thing. i remember telling her she could always come hang out with us, but she said it would feel wrong.

you know, i hadnt thought about it before, but they both did the same thing when it was the three of us. part way through a scary part of the movie(s), they would move inward and push between the two of us, leaving me to the outside and get as close to you as possible. its odd to think i had done the same thing years earlier at the amusement park.

it sort of makes me wish i had taken full advantage of the time you gave me, that i had held your hand when you offered it or asked you to ride the ferris wheel one more time in hopes we could stop right at the top and look out to the sunset again. the way you slowed your steps when we walked together so i wouldnt have to work so hard to keep up or the way you would look over to me so often in public, as if making sure i was still there. it makes me think of every ride in your car, laughing at you just being you and wishing it didn’t have to end so soon.

ive always thought the whole “you always love your first love” thing was stupid and irrational, but thinking back on it i can’t help but feel just how true it is. somehow, you unknowingly left this space for yourself in my heart that i didn’t notice until you werent there. you managed to create this expectation i cant get away from just by being yourself, treating me like a human being. i guess i want to thank you for that more than anything else. you taught me what i deserved without ever fully giving me what i wanted, and ill never understand how you did it. you snuck your way into my mind and now, youre there.

so thank you, for teaching me what i deserve, for showing me what love felt like, and most of all, thank you for being my friend. always and forever.

Love always,

Elisa

(P.S. i hope you don’t take offense to your pseudonym, your name means “the protector of man”, which you probably knew, so i felt that a strong pseudonym was the only option. its in refrence to the constellation, in case you were wondering.)

#love letters #unsent letters #unsent love letters #unsent messages #romanticism #romance #long reads #unsent texts

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watchmegetobsessed · 5 years

Text

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 2

part 2 wohoooo!! this is honestly such a cute story i love writing it, im currently finishing the last part so i’ll probably update very soon!

part 1

masterlist

The awkwardness soon vanishes. This clear new chapter we just opened with Shawn allows me to loosen up and just enjoy a nice evening. Aaliyah and Eric seems satisfied with the outcome, the parents seem to hit it off quite easily and when we leave they already start making plans for another meetup.

“It was so nice meeting you!” Karen sighs happily as she hugs goodbye to all of us.

“You too, email me that recipe you told me about!” Mom points at her and she nods her head laughing.

I’m just about to step out of the house when Aaliyah grabs my wrist and pulls me back. I look at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“I need your help with a little something. Can you come over sometime tomorrow?” she whispers confidentially.

“Um, yeah. Around what time?” I ask.

“Three pm?”

“Sure,” I smile at her and she lets go of me.

On the way back home I’m thinking about what Aaliyah could need help with and the only thing I have in mind is Eric’s birthday that is on the 29th. She must be planning something special for him.

I call Maddi around midnight when I’m already in my pj’s, but I know she must be still up, maybe even drunk. For my surprise, she answers the phone quite modestly.

“How was the family union?” she asks chewing on something. I throw the cushions off of my bed and crawl under the blanket.

“Um, very interesting,” I chuckle closing my eyes and just shaking my head at the thought of the evening.

“Uh, spill the tea!” She cheers clearly very thirsty for some drama, though this story is not as juicy as she would want it.

“Guess who Aaliyah’s brother is!” I say, but I don’t expect an answer so I just continue. “Shawn Effing Mendes.”

“What?! Are you kidding me?” She gasps. “How did Eric forget to tell you this small detail?”

“Apparently, he thought it doesn’t matter to me, which is kind of true, but there is more.”

“What more? Did he hit on you? Because I’m not talking to you again if he did. He is hot!”

“No, he didn’t, but what you don’t know is that we have history.”

“Okay, now I’m confused!? How do I not know about this?”

“Well, remember my ex, Dylan? I told you about him.”

“Yeah, the asshole who cheated on you,” she hums.

“Well, Dylan and Shawn used to be best buds when we started dating, but the guy hated my guts, or so I thought. He was always mean to me, talking against me and just… avoiding me like the plague.”

“I thought he is the nicest person on earth.”

“He might be now, but when I knew him, he treated me like shit. So it was pretty awkward to see him again after all these years.”

“And how did it go? Was he an ass again?”

“No. He was… nice. Well, we both acted awkward in the beginning, I didn’t know if he would continue his act with me, but he turned out to be nice. And then at one point he told me he is sorry for everything in the past and he was just acting like that because he wanted to amuse Dylan.”

I turn to my side and stare out the window.

“That’s good, right? I mean, he grew out that mean phase and he is all good now.”

“Yeah, it’s just still weird to be around someone I knew from my Dylan phase.”

“But it’s Eric who is dating Aaliyah, why would you be constantly around him?”

“Aaliyah asked me to go over tomorrow, I think she is trying to put a surprise together for Eric’s birthday, so I’m spending the afternoon at the Mendes house.”

“Oh, then keep me updated about the details and sneak me a shirtless photo of Shawn please.”

“Maddi!” I scoff laughing. “Why would I even see him shirtless?”

“Maybe he likes wandering around in his home without clothes on, how would I know?!”

“Unbelievable. I’m going to sleep.”

“Bye bitch,” she sighs making me roll my eyes at her smiling.

“Bye.”

I sleep late the next day, it’s past noon when I actually make it downstairs looking like a real human being. Eric and Dad are watching a documentary on WW II. while Mom is reading the newspaper at the dining table. I join her with a bowl of cereal.

“Do you have any plans for today?” She smiles at me over her narrow glasses as she turns a page. I lean closer hitting a confidential tone.

“I’m helping Aaliyah today, she asked me to go over around three.”

“Oh, birthday surprise for Eric?” she asks clearly excited.

“I think yeah.”

“Great. And you will probably see Shawn again.” Winking at me she puts the papers down.

“Why does that matter?” I ask with my mouth full. She caresses my cheek before standing up and walking over to the sink for some water.

“Isn’t he a nice young man? I think the two of you would look cute together.”

“Mom, you are literally talking about the biggest pop sensation, he is not really the kind of guy who just casually dates,” I say.

In my mind all these celebrities are living their wildest life. Even if I were interested in Shawn in any way, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even get in the game, he must have thousands of girls waiting for him in line. We are not really on the same page.

“Oh, come on. You guys knew each other in high school, you have a past, that connection must mean something!”

“He was an ass to me!” I blurt it out making her eyebrows raise.

“He was? What did he do?”

“It’s nothing,” I roll my eyes, but Mom gives me a demanding look. “He just didn’t seem to like me no matter what I did, he was avoiding me most of the time when I was with Dylan and also made some pretty rude comments sometimes.”

“Maybe he was into you,” Mom shrugs and I almost choke on the milk.

I start coughing like I’m about to die and my eyes start watering when I’m finally able to breathe evenly again.

“No fucking way!”

“Charlie! Language!” She hisses at me, but there is a smile hiding in her eyes. “You know, young boys tend to do it. They are mean to the girls they like.”

“Mom, it wasn’t in kindergarten, it was ninth grade or something. I think he just really didn’t like me back then and I don’t blame him.” I was annoying, thinking back at it. But hey, all teens are annoying!

“You can never know,” she sighs.

I totally ignore the theory Mom tried to make me believe, there is absolutely no chance of the nonsense she told me, and this is what I keep telling myself as I’m on my way to the Mendes house.

“Hey!” Aaliyah greets me with a wide smile. She is now wearing some more comfortable clothes than the last two times I saw her, the grey sweats and lose white shirt must be her home wear. “Come in! My parents are out at a friend’s place, and Shawn…” she starts, but just when she is about to finish he appears on the top of the stairs.

“Is here,” he chimes in. I look up and there he is, in a pair of checked pj pants and a black shirt. Looking at it, I think Aaliyah has his shirt on, it seems like the same size.

“Hi,” I smile at him.

“Come, let’s sit.” I follow Aaliyah into the living room and we sit down to the couch next to their Christmas tree. From the corner of my eyes I see Shawn going into the kitchen and for a moment I’m actually disappointed he is not coming with us.

“So. I want to surprise Eric with cooking for him, but I have no idea what. I tried to find out what’s his favorite, but he says it’s his favorite to everything!” she growls frustrated. I shake my head laughing.

“That’s typical.”

“Yeah. So do you have anything in mind?”

“Well, he really like tiramisu. He can eat tons of it, all the time. That’s good for dessert,” I offer. Aaliyah has her phone in her hands and she is typing everything I say down.

“Okay, got it.”

“Um, he likes gazpacho. He thinks it sounds fancy and you know, he likes everything with ketchup, so a soup that tastes like tomato was made for him.”

“Oh yeah, he pours so much ketchup into his sandwiches, it’s crazy,” she rolls her eyes jokingly. “Okay, so gazpacho. Anything else?”

“Um…” I try to think about the times we went to restaurants and Eric got really excited over the food. “Oh, we were once at a place and he ordered grilled mushrooms and he couldn’t stop moaning, it was very embarrassing, but I guess this meant he really liked it.”

“Grilled mushrooms, perfect,” she nods to herself noting everything down. “Do you mind helping me pick out his gift too? I have a few ideas, I want to go into the city and buy it tomorrow, I already looked up some jumpers online, but I can’t really decide.”

“Sure, show me!”

We spend the next thirty minutes scrolling through everything she had saved as a possible gift. She found some really nice ones, her taste is fantastic. As the time is passing I’m starting to feel like I’m with a friend and not with my brother’s girlfriend and I’m just hoping Eric will keep her around for a long time.

She asks me to stay a little bit longer so she can show me the awkward photos she has taken of Erik since they’ve been dating, but she gets a call and excuses herself quickly. I stay there in the living room, looking around a bit, I haven’t really had the chance yesterday, I was too occupied with the situation.

Shawn walks in, this time he has a headband on, keeping his locks back from his face.

Damn, Maddi is right. He is hot.

I shake my head at the thoughts and try to look as casual as possible.

“How is the birthday planning going?” he asks plopping down on the couch next to me.

“Good, Aaliyah basically had everything right, I just had to choose the best options.”

“How crazy is that our younger siblings are dating? I mean, I was thinking about it yesterday, the last time I saw Eric, he was about twelve or something. No wonder why I didn’t recognize him when I met him,” he chuckles and I nod agreeing. Aaliyah changed a lot in the past years too.

“Yeah. Strange that they are not babies anymore. I mean, I’m still mad that Eric is taller than me.”

“Oh I remember how you always wanted to get taller!”

“You remember?” I ask surprised. I used to never stop talking about my height, later I accepted my fate.

“Yeah, I remember once you told Dylan how you want to wear the highest heels to the dance so you two can be the same height.”

I laugh at the memory. I remember it too, it was quite early in our relationship and Dylan asked me out for the Halloween dance. I wanted to look taller and told Dylan I would wear heels. Of course, I ditched the plan as I found out how uncomfortable they are and ended up wearing my Converse.

“And at the end I looked like a punk princess with my Converse and mini skirt,” I scoff at the thought of my outfit for that night.

“I think you looked pretty,” Shawn says and I look at him. I catch his small smile before he shakes his head clearing his throat. What the Hell? “High school feels so far away, right?” he quickly says.

“Um, well for you I guess, for me… not really,” I chuckle shaking my head. “Your life got turned upside down, but not much has happened to me since then.”

“What? I don’t believe you. I’m sure you’ve been having plenty of fun. Parties, dates and everything.”

I can’t help, a sad smile plasters across my face. He can’t be more wrong.

“Not really… I had some rough years after Dylan and I split.”

“Can I ask what happened? I mean, after the split,” he shyly asks.

“Well, since I was a dumb naïve little girl, I needed an entire year before I could even think about getting to know other guys. Now it all just seems like the biggest bullshit. I shouldn’t have cared that much. And I’m not a fan of partying, I only go out on birthdays and maybe New Year’s Eve,” I shrug. Maddi has been trying to boost me up a bit, she attempts to drag me out every month or so, but I’m really not that kind of type. I thought I was, when I was with Dylan, he was a popular guy, I kept going to these lame parties with him in the last year of our relationship, but I never really enjoyed them. Shawn was long gone by then.

“I’m sorry Dylan played you so bad.”

“It’s fine, I mean, not your fault,” I chuckle. “But what happened to you and him?”

He sighs scratching the back of his neck.

“Not sure, I guess we grew apart and I realized that he is an ass. When I became a private student we kept in touch, but I met new people and I saw how different a friendship can be, so… I cut him off, I guess.”

“Did you guys fight?”

“Not really,” he shakes his head. “Well, we had one last very awkward phone call when I was in Atlanta, if I remember right. It was forced and… just awkward, really,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“And your life has been better since Dylan is out of it, right?” I grin at him.

“Yeah, you must know about it.”

I laugh nodding. I know everything about it!

Before I could even think about what I’m saying, my mouth just opens and the words roll down.

“The only good thing I got from my relationship with Dylan is that I know you now.”

My eyes widen and I wish I could take it back.

“I- uh I mean…”

I don’t even know why I’m so nervous suddenly, I didn’t even tell much. But for some reason, I can feel myself blushing.

“I meant that he basically ruined my senior year and I needed so much time to get myself over him, but at least now we can talk like, normal people,” I quickly add somehow saving the situation.

“What do you mean he ruined your senior year?” he asks with furrowed eyebrows and I’m happy he didn’t get caught up on what I said before that.

“Well, he successfully made me push all my friends away, leaving me totally alone when we broke up.”

“Wait, what? How about that friend of yours, um… I don’t remember her name, you always sat together at lunch.”

“Rochelle. Oh Dylan played us dirty. He told me Rochelle keeps hitting on him and being my dumb naïve self I believed him and not her. We had this huge fight and I called her a bitch. No wonder why she didn’t care about me when I was alone in the last couple of months of senior year.”

“Ouch, that sounds horrible. I’m sorry he did that.”

“Why did we even like Dylan in the first place?” I ask laughing to myself. It still bothers me how blind I was, I wish I could just shake myself.

“I have no idea!” He sighs rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry your senior year got fucked up, I wish I could be there to have lunch with you.”

I turn to him and swear to God he is blushing! And it is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I feel the urge to touch him, anywhere, to take his hand in mine, but I stop myself.

“That’s… nice. Thank you,” I whisper touched.

As I’m staring at him I realize this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to him. I wonder how many girls want to be in my position, they see the popstar, the heartthrob from the stage, while all I see is the guy who used to be mean to me in high school but now we are friendlier than ever. I could never see him as a celebrity.

“Okay, so I found some- Oh am I bothering?” Aaliyah walks into the room with her phone in her hands and she is giving me a knowing look. I quickly clear my throat turning away from Shawn.

“No, you girls just… do your thing. I have to make a few calls.”

Shawn jumps up from the couch patting his sister’s shoulder before walking out of the room. Aaliyah takes his place, still grinning.

“What?” I ask her playing dumb.

“You guys… I felt the sparkle,” she says wiggling her eyebrows.

“What sparkle? Aaliyah, you see everything in pink because of my brother.”

“Oh stop, don’t tell me you don’t like him.”

“I don’t know him,” I say truthfully. “The last time I saw him I was dating a douche and he was also being a douche to me. I can’t tell if I like him, because I don’t know his new self.”

“But you seem to get along with him pretty well and I’m sure you are attracted to him.”

“I’m not talking about this with you, you are his sister!” I gasp feeling myself blushing again.

“Whatever. But I think you two would look cute together.”

I refuse to carry on with the conversation about me and Shawn and Aaliyah fortunately doesn’t force it on me. I leave the Mendes house around five, Aaliyah thanks me the help and I can’t help but feel disappointed I don’t see Shawn anywhere when I’m leaving. Aaliyah’s speech about me and Shawn is slowly getting to me.

By dinner, all my thoughts are racing around him and soon I find myself stalking his social media profiles. I knew he is very famous, but seeing the numbers on his pages makes me gasp. Millions of people are following him, waiting for him to post anything. The last photo he uploaded to his Instagram is with his family, Karen and Manny are smiling proudly into the camera while Shawn and Aaliyah are messing around next to them. Before I could realize what I’m doing I double tap the picture liking it.

“Oh shit,” I suck my breath in. I hesitate, but then I realize how dumb this is. He must be getting millions of notes every minute, he won’t see this.

Gaining some confidence from this, I decide to follow him and continue my stalking session. I’m a few months deep into his profile when I get a notification. Opening the tab my eyes widen.

shawnmendes followed charlieprkr

I guess I was wrong about the notification getting lost. A moment later I see that he has liked two of my photos.

One was taken on a family vacation. Eric and I are posing at the beach, I have a red swimsuit on and the wind is blowing my wavy blonde hair that was so much lighter back than from all the sunshine. The other one is a picture Maddie took of me last month. I’m sitting in our armchair with a mug of tea in my hands, smiling shyly at the camera. We had Christmas lights in the window and the lights made me look colorful in the photo.

I’m just about to put the phone down and go to bed when I get a dm. I’m not surprised to see Shawn’s username, but I definitely get excited.

shawnmendes I’m happy I’m not the first one to accidentally like your photo, though I was minutes away from that haha

I smile at the message rolling my eyes.

charlieprkr Ha. Ha. I was hoping I can easily hide in the millions of your followers.

shawnmendes You could have, if only I weren’t stalking your profile as well. Fate?

charlieprkr I guess.

My fingers linger across the keyboard, trying to think of something else to write and keep the conversation up, but nothing comes to my mind. I almost give up when I get another message from him.

shawnmendes I’m in a nostalgic mood, I want to have a walk in the neighborhood, around our school tomorrow. Would you like to join me?

My smile grows wider than ever reading his lines.

charlieprkr Totally.

shawnmendes Great! Sometime around 4 pm?

charlieprkr Perfect. Where?

shawnmendes I’ll meet you at your house and we’ll go from there.

charlieprkr Then see you tomorrow!

shawnmendes Yeah, good night Charlie.

#shawn #mendes #shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes fanfics #shawn mendes fanfictions #shawn mendes imagine #mendes army #crush #crush mini series

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roseamongroses · 4 years

Text

Antithesis: “what do you have? “ I have a kNIFE” “NO”

[Specific-Summary]: They should expect growing pains. For not everything to feel right or make sense. That doesn't mean it'll always hurt, nor does it mean they can't have fun along the way. It's senior year. Everything may be different. It won't be senior year for long. Everything will be okay.

[General Warnings]: Implied Emotional Abuse, Implied Physical Abuse, Bad Parents are Bad Parents, Mild Sexual Content/jokes,Mentioned Homophobia, Mentions of underage drinking (backround), Some Catcalling,Cursing , Self Hate,implied pregnancy talk/inability to become pregnant, adults arguing where the “kid” can hear it, adults drinking,

[Tags/mood:] highschool au, fluff and angst but its all good, chat fic, teen stress, its flordia no snow we die like men [Pairing:] Roceit (Roman Sanders/ Deceit Sanders), hinted future/possible logince/roloceit/loceit [Characters]Roman Sanders/Deceit (Dmitri) Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy (Sleep) Sanders, Nate Sanders, Dragon Witch (Diana) Remus “The Duke” Sanders (minor/brief)

(Ao3) (Previously)

(8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15)

(16) (17) (18)

L: I May Have Lost Roman

V: nice

P: not nice :)

V: i feel vaguely threatened

Rem:@L how the fuck did you manage that Rem: nvm i know how just give me details

L:I don’t know ? One second we were at check out L: Next minute he was Gone and Nieve is looking suspicious

L:Hold on lemme ask Dmitri

V: why is he there

L: I mean he’s actually pretty chill L: But he dropped Roman off and Nieve got attached L:I’m...not sure if she’s planning on letting him go?

V:logan, my friend, my buddy, V:the only person in this chat with basic reading comprehension

Rem: that’s pretty fair

P: it really is tbh

V: Send. Pictures.

L: Okay L: Slight Issue

V: you lost the snake too

L: I lost Dmitri too and Nieve is not spilling

Rem: oh they’re defeinately fucking

L:...Where? The bathroom?

Rem: Don’t knock it till you try it ;)

V: not to be that guy but im vetoing this discussion V: cause thats a Yikes even for you Remy

L: Alright time to find them

Rem: check ;))) the;))) bathrooms ;;))))

L: Remy.

Rem: alrighlright too far ill stop

L: Thank you.

V: keep me updated V: i only have silence and physics homework as company

L:Huh L:Found them

L: Roman….found a katanna…

V: im sorry WHAT V: Why The Fuck Does He Have A Sword

Rem: drop the location of that store man

L: 1) It’s a Katanna L: 2)I will certainly Not. L: 3) He’s trying to convince Dmitri why he should have it

L…..and Dmitri looks more amused then concerned

V: if I can't have a tarantula he sure as hell cant have a sword

L:I told him it was probably fake/ poorly made and that he should take the time to invest the proper skill in money in a real one

V: goddamit logan you cant logic roman.

L: It worked. He put it back. L: So I say I can do what I want with roman

Rem: some spicy takes from the chats only brain cell ;)

---

“So you’re turning eighteen, in a few months. ” His aunt said, dabbing her cheeks with a napkin. She still managed to hold an air of prestige despite getting utterly shitfaced the night before. Her appointments have been going well.

Dmitri looked up, masking his surprise and holding his tongue.

Dr. Montag looked over, quieting the running water and placing the dish was he was cleaning down, “Really?” he said, brushing his hands, “You got any plans?” he asked, Dmitri.

“Oh we usually do something small,” His aunt interjected, “But seeing as he’s my father’s favorite grandchild,” Only grandchild, “He’s is flying from Paris to join us. And he was never a man of modesty so I’ve been thinking about doing something special for the occasion.”

Oh.

Dmitri fought the smile creeping on his face, ducking his head. He shouldn’t be surprised that she remembered after all if his grandfather was visiting. It’s how he got his phone, laptop, his car.

It’s probably why she puts up with him, to begin with. Cause it wasn’t guilt.

“--We should get your hair cut,” She continued, and Dmitri snapped out of his thoughts, “Maybe invite Diana--he’d like her,” she murmured.

“Diana and I a-” He closed his mouth, and his aunt’s eyes shot over.

“You broke up?” She narrowed her eyes, examining her nails, “Huh, makes sense seeing as...” she gestured at him vaguely, “So who have you been sneaking around with?”

“I’m not sneaking around with anyone,” Dmitri said, meeting her gaze. And technically he was right, it’s not sneaking if she just hasn’t been asking. And he’s given up on telling.

Dr. Montag’s eyebrows knitted together confused,” Well that isn’t true,”

Dmitri’s eyes went wide, stomach sinking.

His Aunt’s grin spread, “Oh really?”

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck--

“He’s been helping me out, hon,” Dr. Montag set down a glass of water and pills beside her plate, “You’ve been so stressed lately,” he looked guilty and produced some tickets, “I thought I’d surprise you.”

Her face softened and like that the tension left the room. Those two got to linger in whatever lovey-dovey spell had taken hold of them in the last few months, but Dmitri was still on edge.

She still kept him on edge, but he could get her back. Even the playing field. Anytime he could leave this—Anytime he could flip this switch and put her on edge and make her—

He stopped eating, setting his plate aside.

He felt sick.

---

R:helllloooo R:anyone up R: sigh R: allll by mySELLLLF

L: Roman?

R: the one and lonely yes hello human contact???

L: Are you alright? It’s 3 am why are you still awake?

R: why are YOU up mm????

L: My parents have newborn twins. What’s your excuse?

R: well fuck got me there

R: i was texting dee but he was rlly tired and i stILL can’t sleep

L: Any particular reason?

R: u m

L: Private chat?

R: please

- [TheTruthAboutTheMoon]

TheWalkingMouth: Okay shoot

Cowboy:it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: I’ll tell you if it's stupid or not just say it

Cowboy: i just….like Cowboy: it's all kinda….hitting me a ll at once and i Really don’t like thinking about it but i cant bottle shit up either like you bastards so i feel like the human equivelent og a washing machine with too much laundry in it

TheWalkingMouth: Then don’t? TheWalkingMouth: Even if it's too ‘stupid’ for me I’m sure Dmitri wouldn’t mind

Cowboy: yeah but i feel like im going to say something shitty to him i Cowboy: like we should talk about it Cowboy: and i will Cowboy: but not now--later when it's not too stressful for either of us

TheWalkingMouth: Why would you say something shitty?

Cowboy: idk id jst get frustrated trying to explain it Cowboy: like hes smart as hell and probbaly get it without me saying anything but like Cowboy: I have neither the patience nor articulation right now to explain like a civil person and he doesnt need me being shitty about it

Cowboy:like,,,,,for example,,,,, if he fucks up in school, he’ll get recommended a tutor and teachers would assume hes doing his best and hes such a sweet and quiet boy

Cowboy: like he is sweet!!but hes a little shit too!! And gets away with it!!! Half those pranks he pulled on virgil, as Iconic as they were he never got in trouble for them!!!

Cowboy: when i fuck up i

Cowboy: god it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: Might not get a second chance? Yeah I get it.

TheWalkingMouth:Remember when I first transferred here? None of the teachers would take me seriously bc of my accent and if they did, they were afraid of me. I could repeat something another kid said word for word and still be told I had an attitude.

Cowboy: god i remembered that Cowboy: you answered his yes or no questions in a fuckin montone, quiet ass voice and he legit called in the office cause he got scared of a goddamn freshman

Cowboy: But ye when i fuck up Cowboy: im suddenly the lazy ass brown kid who should spend less time corrupting youth with my feminine hips and curls Cowboy: like it's not like a lot of them say it outright but it feels like if im not perfect im fufilling all the stereotypes

TheWalkingMouth: Ah okay, rant away

Cowboy: OK like like like im not like virgil right?? in a lot of ways and it fuckin shows

Cowboy: he’s been planning on going into engineering since sixth grade meanwhile i only got my shit together in highschool

Cowboy: and like now that im here/???what now??? My mother expects me to have my shit together meanwhile im over here freaking the fuck out over whether not it's worth it to even try Cowboy: like yes mother i want to go to an art/or librel arts school that may or may not accept me that we may or may not afford to find a career in who the hell knows because if i have to sit in a healthcare class or a applied mathmatics class like you did i miight actually shank the professor????

Cowboy: that i dread the thought of not trying to explore my options outside of this fucking state but i dread the thought of going bc i cant stand the thought of being away from home but i cant fucking find a reason to stay cause everyone i love is leaving or planning their own life anyway???

Cowboy: like remys gunna fuck off to who knows where regardless of whether or not he has a plans or money, pattons gunna take care of his grandmother whereever the fuck a canada ,moms moving in with tia, virgils already mentally flipping me off ready to fuck nasa , and i only fucking hope dmitri even getss the chance to choose where he goes but hes g o n e and i die from yearning behind a screen like the gay victorian i am , and you….i actually dont know

TheWalkingMouth: Teaching for either biology or physics

Cowboy: huh it fits but what about chemistry??

TheWalkingMouth: Fuck chemistry.

Cowboy: oh thank god we’re on the same page

TheWalkingMouth: Anyway, I assume you’re more worried about whether you should apply rather then if you could get in?

Cowboy: i think so

TheWalkingMouth: Well if my opinion means anything to you

Cowboy: more than you’re assuming but yeah continue

TheWalkinMouth: Wait

Cowboy: nothing nothing continue

TheWalkingMouth: Okay-- I think you should go for it but you don’t need to dive head first into it and commit to everything 100% like virgil did.

TheWalkingMouth: You’re allowed to keep your options open, to have backup plans for back up plans

TheWalkingMouth: It doesn’t mean you’re not passionate about your art. Doesn’t mean you’re inevitably going to get a office job and abandon all your dreams. It means you’re being smart and not backing yourself into a corner

TheWalkingMouth:It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay not to have it all figured out

TheWalkingMouth: Nobody does.

TheWalkingMouth: Even if no one else gives you a second chance at least give yourself a second chance.

TheWalkingMouth: It’s perfectly normal to be afraid to fuck up and get fucked over TheWalkingMouth: That doesn’t mean you will everytime TheWalkingMouth: And it certainly doesn’t mean it's the end

Cowboy:

[...Cowboy is typing…]

---

@daflangstlairde

@ace-anx

@cataclysm-al

#Roman sanders #Deceit Sanders #Roceit #ts sides #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #ts virgil #ts logan #ts remy #Antithesis

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clementiens · 4 years

Note

Hey I’m struggling with a fresh lifetime autoimmune diagnosis that might see me disabled in the future.... and it’s nice to have a lead on my pain but it’s hard with this being definite. And you seem so positive I was wondering if you had any coping advice? Your blog and others like you is a huge inspiration being open with chronic illness.

i wish i had something a little more like..Quickly Helpful, but a concept i saw that did help me a lot especially earlier was radical acceptance, which was basically like. accept what you cant change, so you can actually get on with changing what you can. like i just cant change that i have chronic pain and my joints dislocate and all this other stuff, but i can change how my room is arranged so i can get around more comfortably, and i can change some of my goals OR How i plan on achieving those goals so its actually feasible within the limitations that i have. its going to be more productive and im going to be Happier if i try to work within that to figure out how to make a life i want to live, rather than put all my time and energy (mentally or with trying Every Every Everything anyone suggests, even if its not actually like. realistically going to do anything) into Getting Better. it made a lot of stress by setting up this feeling of constantly waiting for my life to start (so i wasnt really trying to do anything with the life i had at the time), while also feeling like a failure when things stayed how they were or progressed. accepting my body and my health for what it was so i could move on with my life made a big difference for me, even though it is kind of a work in progress, so also dont feel bad for feeling bad, its okay to be like “yeah this sucks.” (i sometimes felt like i was being a Bad Disabled Person or giving into misery stereotypes or some bullshit like that if i wasnt always feeling totally fine about being disabled, but youre entitled to feel how youre going to feel about the situation youre in.)

ive seen a lot of disabled people and specifically disabled activists talk about how harmful the Level of focus and attention on cures/Getting Better can be, when its at the expense of a lot more focus and attention (and funding) than things like services and programs for disabled people get, even though thats what would actually help us Right Now. (ofc this is like layered and not a one size fits all issue but like as far as the pressure to get better that can end up just turning into an unnecessary stress.) finding out more about the disability rights movement and reading more of what disabled people had to say about these things also helped, and i cant even really pin down why, it was just like. there are other people in this boat too, and theyre fighting, and if theyre fighting then this life can be and is worth fighting for and putting my foot down for. it was just really reassuring i guess.

when i was first diagnosed i was flipping a lot between feeling relieved to know what was going on, and being like “oh, so it is actually that bad. that sucks.“ i had to just let myself feel that, which im pretty sure ive also seen people bring up when talking about radical acceptance, like that its completely okay to feel shitty about it or angry or grieve. trying to force those feelings down doesnt really help anything, and at least in my experience it just ends up creeping out elsewhere usually VERY inconveniently, so give yourself some time and space to feel what youre feeling without pressure, so you can go back out and the feeling isnt still hanging on you quite so much.

BUT ALSO having a diagnosis does mean you can do something about it, even if it just gives you more solid limitations so you can know more about, like, how to ration your energy and pain tolerance, so im glad you were able to get that nailed down! its the biggest pain in the ass!

finding groups for your specific diagnosis can be good too i think, both for the feeling like other people are in the same boat but they also can have some good information about a lot of things, like certain physical therapy that did or didnt work and why, is this an EDS thing or is this normal, etc. and i think therapy is good too if its an option. i was told to Go See A Therapist when i first brought up chronic pain, which was super frustrating, but i do still have trouble with things like “i cant financially support myself right now” spiraling into “AND SO im a drain and im worthless and i suck, like, just in general,” which is where having a therapist comes in. the first thought is just objectively true but the second thought is taking it to an irrational level and it can be really easy to slip into that kind of spiral without some help, but that could also just be things like worksheets online if therapy isnt an option or whatever. (i love when my therapist sends me those.)

i hope at least some of this can be helpful and sorry if it turned into kind of an essay, but im glad you at least got some answers! this feels kind of jumbled up but im not really sure how to unjumble it so i can clarify something if its not clear

#long post #also sorry if this took a while #i usually use this account on the browser on my phone bc i have a different account on the app #and i use my phone more than my computer #so i dont always see message notifications right away #Anonymous

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cryinggameff · 6 years

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Sixty-nine

Randi

Cayden and his friends were drinking and doing god knows what else while watching the game. I had agreed to let him host the party here, which i was kind of regretting because they were loud as hell and it made it hard to take my mid day naps. I had left for a bit to go and pick up some groceries so i could make some food for them to eat plus some snacks and such and now i was back home. I walked past going to put the stuff in the kitchen.

“Baby, you back?” Cayden said, getting up and coming to the kitchen.

“Yeah, just went to target,” I said, taking stuff out of the bag.

“How’s my baby?” He put his arms around me to grab my belly.

“Active. He’s been jumping around all day,” I sighed. He moved his hand around.

“That’s because he’s a little baller. Or maybe a gymnast if it’s a girl.”

“Mmhm,” i said, putting my hand over his. Somebody scored and the guys got all excited. We both looked over. I started taking stuff out the bags. Cayden removed his hands and started going back to the living area. I glanced at him and saw his jaw was locked and arms flexed. I was confused. He walked up to Rambo and smacked him on the back of the head.

“Damn man!” Rambo jumped. He turned around and Cayden grabbed the blunt that he must have just lit out of his mouth.

“I told your slow ass not to be smoking in my house when my wife is pregnant. Are you dumb? That’s my kid you fucking with bruh,”

“My bad Cayden, I forgot,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry man,” he said. Everyone else looked to see what Cayden was gonna do. I already knew what he was planning to do and considering he was China’s man and what not i couldn’t have them falling out or that would make things awkward for all of us. I put the milk I was holding down. I reluctantly intervened.

“It’s ok baby,” i said to him from the kitchen. He looked up at me and I gave him a look to calm down and of course he listened and backed down. He just put the blunt out and came to throw it out in the kitchen. He came up behind me and wrapped an arm around me again.

“Sorry,” He said by my ear just so I could hear.

“It’s ok,” I said, leaning up to kiss him. I wasn’t mad, after all he was right, it was bad for the baby. Cayden had stopped smoking, around the house anyways, all together. It was cute how concerned he was about the baby. He kissed my shoulder and I giggled.

“She’s already pregnant dog, give it a break,” ty said as he came strolling in to the kitchen to open the fridge. I blushed but laughed.

“Hey! I just got those,” I complained. But nobody was listening. He was long gone and they had broken into a play fight, crashing on to the floor and rolling around like children. “You’re 26 years old,” I grumbled, picking my rolls off the floor.

I made some stuff for the guys and then took my food upstairs to eat and watch some shows.

I ended up falling asleep after eating, but woke up a few hours later with terrible heart burn. That was happening a lot now. I would take it over being nauseous 24/7 like in the beginning, but it was still very uncomfortable. I went downstairs to go find some tums and realised Cayden and his friends were gone. I looked at my phone real quick and Cayden had texted me saying he was gonna go in to work. I got some tums and some milk and went back to the bedroom. I decided to give Cole a call because i hadn't talked to him in a while.

"Hi Colebear,"

"Hey lil mama. How you doing?" he asked.

"Im ok, just tired and sick all the time," i complained.

"That sounds horrible," he said. "How much longer you got anyways? Tryna make sure im there when the baby gets here."

"Still have like 4 months. Im ready for it to be over, and i just wanna hold my baby already." I groaned in frustration.

"When we gon find out if its a boy or girl? How am i supposed to buy them some swag if i dont know?"

"I was supposed to find out a while ago but i kept missing my appointments. Im going in a few days, should find out then."

"Word? aight keep me posted."

"I will," i said, "so whats up with you and Ty. He came to my house a week ago and from what he said yall had some drama when he visited." I was being nosy as usual.

"Aint no drama," he mumbled.

"What did you do?" i asked in an accusing tone. He sighed.

"I may have iced him out a little."

"Why?" i asked, confused.

"Things were getting...intense."

"Thats how a relationship works Cole," i pointed out.

"I know," he said simply. I smiled a little bit.

"I get it. I was the same way when Cayden and i started getting serious. It terrified me. It's scary to love someone."

"So what did you do?" He asked.

"Well Cayden didn't really give me an option to run. He followed me every time, " i laughed. "Eventually i just got tired of trying to run away and i just dove in. Now i'm married to the fool and carrying his baby."

"Diving in sounds terrifying."

"It is," i bit my lip, thinking back to when Cayden and i were still dating. "But its worth it."

"Ugh. I cant with this sappy shit right now. Im bout to go to practice and i dont need to be in my feelings while tackling a bunch of dudes."

"Okay fine, ill drop it for now. But you need to just accept you love him and move on. Don't overthink it," i said seriously.

"okay mom."

"Oh God, can you imagine someone is gonna be calling me that soon," i said, more to myself.

"I can see you as a mom. You always taking care of people or helping them fix their lives, even when they didnt ask," he laughed.

"What can i say, i dont know how to mind my business," i shrugged.

"Lowkey im the same," he said. "But i gotta go."

"Okay babe, have a good practice. Ill talk to you later." He said bye and then i hung up.

Cayden

"Yo, How's the shipment going?" I asked him, referring to a deal i had going with Sean. He was organising the order while i handled the logistics and such.

"Man i don't think we have enough here. We gotta bring some from the other warehouse. I was gonna call Pat but i wanted to run it by you," he got up and i followed him out to the balcony looking down to the rest of the warehouse. It was busy with niggas at work like usual, organised by product.

"What he want?" i asked.

"Coke mostly, but he talking about he got some guy wants a bunch of crystal. We got 10, 20 pound max here," he said, nodding at the back of the room where the guys were breaking and weighing a fresh batch.

"Who the fuck wants to buy that much crystal?" My brows came together.

"Man who knows, thats your boy, ask him. Im just saying, thats pretty much all our supply from both warehouses, and we have one cook" he said. I nodded because he was right, but that wasn't my biggest concern. It was just weird to me that Sean was suddenly moving crystal when he had never before. I couldn't help think back to the time Randi asked if Sean could be trusted and wondered if she was on to something.

"Dont call Pat. Not yet anyways. Imma have a little meeting with Sean first," i decided.

"Got it," he nodded.

"By the way, thanks for checking on Randi while i was gone," i said. He shrugged.

"Uncle duties and what not," he smirked, "how she doing anyways? You weren't playing when you said she was emotional."

"She tired all the time, i feel bad. She go off on you?" I laughed.

"Nah, just crying and shit. I don't know how you do it."

"Ill take crying over when she gets angry."

"True," Ty nodded. I checked my watch.

"I gotta go find Keisha, i need her to get Sean here. I aint going to Cali, i just got back," i looked around a bit.

"She was here with Kassie earlier, training and what not. How you get her to come back anyways?" he raised a brow.

"I begged," i chuckled. " Why? you still got a crush on her? Thought you were all about the D now."

"Fuck you Cayden," he said, turning to go back to his office. I laughed and went off to find Keisha.

I ended up just calling Keisha from my office and she came up.

"Hey, sorry, Kassie was showing me around. She just left," she said.

"It's all good. I need you to do something for me though. 2 things actually."

"Sure, what is it?" she pulled out a pen and notepad.

"I need you to get Sean here. ASAP."

"Got it," she nodded.

"Also i need you to book me a trip, for 2. Jamaica, not business. Anytime in the next month or so," i looked up from my phone calendar.

"I'll get right on it..." she paused. "It's sweet. I mean, im assuming it's for your wife."

"Yeah it is. Gotta keep her happy," i shrugged. She smiled. Then she seemed to remember something and pulled out her phone

"Oh before i forget, the accountant is coming tomorrow. Just a reminder. Also, your calendar says its Ty's birthday soon, do you want me to arrange anything?"

"Remind me an hour before tomorrow. Get a gift for me, Randi is doing the rest. She throws unnecessary parties, its kind of her thing," i rolled my eyes.

"Okay then. Ill go start on this," she said, turning for the door.

"How was the training by the way?" i asked. Kassie had been here the whole time i was gone, showing her the ropes

"Good. She was really nice. She had a lot of great things to say about you. But i'm not surprised, you're a nice guy Cayden. I cant tell you how much this job means to me, my son too," she brushed her golden curls aside. "I mean i made decent money at the club, but...this is a lot better," she bit her lip. I nodded.

"You should have called me, I always cared about you Keisha," i smiled at her gently seeing her get emotional. She was all tough exterior, it was rare to see this side of her.

"I was embarrassed," she shrugged.

"You aint gotta be. How people make money is none of by business. Bur don't worry, i pay my assistants a lot. You gotta put up with my ass, just wait, you'll be sick of me soon." She laughed.

"Thanks Cayden," she smiled.

"You're welcome," i said simply. She left and closed the door behind her.

Once she was gone i called Randi to check on her.

Randi

Cayden called me just after id gotten off with Cole. He asked how i was and then he was telling me about what he was doing and when he would be home. Then i heard someone talking in the background, it wasn't a guy though, it was a female voice.

“Who is that” I said.

“Who’s who?” He asked. I sat up straighter in the bed chair.

“The chick talking in the back ground,” i said. I couldn't think of any reason for there to be a girl in his office at the warehouse. I knew there were a few girls who were involved in selling and what not but Cayden didn't spend time talking to pedlars or people lower in the chain, he handled all the big time stuff. I started to wonder if he wasn't really at the warehouse but i didn't see why he would lie.

“Keisha,” he said, as if that meant anything. “My assistant.”

“When did you get an assistant? You don’t like anyone, how’d you even pick someone.”

“I told you months ago that I needed an assistant baby,” he reminded me. This was true but still.

“Hm,” I said simply.

“So we good then? I’ll see you in a few hours,” he said.

“Okay,” i said, hanging up. I had been too annoyed to say bye or I love you.

Why would he get an assistant without telling me? If that even was his assistant. I knew there was always random girls walking around that definitely weren’t assistants, the business kind anyways. I wondered what this Keisha girl was assisting Cayden with and my blood started to boil. I tried to not be this person but pregnancy also had me a bit mentally unstable and I wasn’t particularly confident right now. Was Cayden fooling around with another girl because i was becoming the size of a whale? I panicked and started to get up off the bed and pulled on a sweater.

I wasn’t really sure what I was doing until i was driving for 20 minutes and leaving the city to go towards the warehouse. I never came here on my own and I started to second guess myself as I pulled up and security immediately posted up. I got out of the car and locked it. One of the guys looked familiar though and I was pretty sure I’d seen him before.

“Are you lost shawty?” Another guy said, licking his lips in a disgusting way and looking down at me. I was about to release all my fury on him when the familiar guy spoke up.

“That’s Cayden’s wife you idiot” he said. The previous guy shrunk back.

“My bad,” he said quickly, head down.

“Should i get Cayden for you?” The familiar guy asked. I shook my head.

“I know my way,” I said, motioning to the door. They paused but moved out of the way. I adjusted my cardigan and went in. People stared at me because i rarely came period let alone on my own. Also I was pretty pregnant now which drew attention. I went upstairs to the offices and stopped in front of Cay’s. I debated whether or not to knock then decided against it. I opened the door and walked in.

Cayden looked up and his face went very confused when he saw me. He was in the chair and a girl stood beside him, bent over and pointing to the computer screen.

“Randi? What the fuck are you doing here?” He said. My face must not have looked happy because he quickly got up. “I mean is everything ok? Is it the baby?” He came over and put a hand to my lower back. I immediately checked his hand for the wedding band which was there.

“The baby’s fine,” I said, looking him over for lipstick, makeup, anything.

“What’s going on then?” He asked. I looked up at the girl standing and starring at us. Cayden looked up. “Keisha can you give me a minute with my wife,” she stood for a minute looking which was strange but then she shuffled out. I was looking around his office looking for any signs of anything messy when Cayden put a hand to my cheek. “Baby, What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I mumbled, feeling like the biggest fool.

“You drove all the way up here for nothing. Nah,” he shook his head. I choked up, I couldn’t say I came because I thought you were cheating.

“I don’t feel good,” I lied. I did feel sick to my stomach all of a sudden but more out of guilt. Guilty that I’d thought he’d do something like that and also because the way he looked worried now that he thought I was sick.

“Maybe I should take you to the hospital,” he said, feeling my forehead.

“No I’ll be okay,” I said quickly. “I think I just need to go home,”

“I’ll take you,” He said “someone will come pick me up after.” I agreed. He held me all the way out of his office and down the stairs. Once we got in the car I was still thinking about the fact that he got an assistant and didn’t tell me. That was still sketchy, cheating or not.

“How do you know her?” I asked.

“Keisha?” He asked. I waited for him to lie because honestly I already knew the truth. I was simply testing him. “Being 100, we used to fuck but it was a long time ago, and we were actually friends.”

“So is that why you didn’t tell me?” I asked.

“This about to be a problem isn’t it?” He asked. “Wait? Is that why you drove all the way down here?” Well shit.

“Well I heard a girl in your office,” I said, defending myself. He turned to face me then.

“And you automatically assumed I was what? Cheating?” He looked upset. I was supposed to be the one angry. “You don’t even trust me huh? Still,” he shook his head. When he put it like that he made it sound bad.

“It’s not like that-“

“What’s it like? You came running, so that’s what you thought.”

“Well...” I started. “Normally I wouldn’t be scared but look at me,” i gestured at myself. “I don’t look tight and right at the moment. And don't eve play me like you didn't just hire a girl you used to sleep with and not tell your wife about it.”

“You’re insane Randi. You’ve lost your mind. I ain’t even gon fight you cause you carrying my kid.” I got frustrated and was fighting the urge to break into tears so i just glared out the window for the ride home.

#chris brown #Jhene Aiko #chris brown fanfic #chris brown ff #jhene chilombo #jhene efuru #jhene aiko fanfic #jhene aiko ff #fanfiction #fandom #fanfic #fanfic update #j cole #j cole fanfic

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pk-majora · 2 years

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tw for substance use, OD, suicide attempt, and the cracks in our mental health system. mostly just a vent post and just tmi in general as always

but i just got home from the hospital on the 17th. i went to the er on the 9th for an overdose. since it was a suicide attempt and i was honest about that they had to baker act me (which might be unique to FL just means they have to hold and monitor me for a minimum of three days) but since they also found out i was covid positive (which was news to me too lol) they couldnt just send me to a psychiatric facility and they didnt have a psychiatrist on staff. so they ended up just holding me for eight long miserable days in the same hospital room on the covid floor giving me xanax and seroquel to keep me manageable... i couldnt even leave any earlier because i had to be medically cleared of the covid and mentally cleared by a psychiatrist. then on my final day there they literally had a psychiatrist facetime me off a staff members phone from the psychiatrists car and after a few questions in which he cut me off before i could even really talk he determined i was "just a tad anxious and depressed and safe to just go home". all that after a conversation that truly didnt even last a minute. i cried and begged to be sent somewhere at least to begin a medication treatment plan for severe paranoia, weird delusions, obsessive sometimes self harming behaviors, and hallucinations amongst a slew of other symptoms including absolutely debilitating anxiety contributing to physical issues like lactic acidosis, tachycardia, and body wide shakes and aches. its so frustrating not being able to get the help you need. in october i tried to admit myself to a local inpatient and they literally asked me if i was sure since they didnt have many beds so id be sleeping on a recliner in a communal open area. so i said i guess im fine, maybe i dont need to be here and went home. i dont know how much longer i can just be living the way i am at home though. i really need intervention and help. i called the emergency mental health crisis hotline here in FL and got placed on endless holds and hung up on. i know everyone everywhere is understaffed and it seems like every FL citizen is suffering a mental health breakdown but im feeling really desperate and i really feel ive tried everything. ive even done all the research on a medication treatment plan that would benefit people with symptoms like mine i just need help so bad. and about my symptoms i have spent months carefully logging my symptoms in my notes app so i can track their frequency and severity just so i can show a psychiatrist as well. i need to be prescribed an antipsychotic. i have a telephone psychiatry appointment tomorrow... i just hope theyre willing to listen to me and that i can then get together the funds to get a medication that might help me.

anyways thats why ive been gone the last few days. its been so ridiculously hard and i feel very lonely after pushing away my loved ones for months now. this was such a heartbreaking and painful experience and i wish i could say im grateful i survived but im not. honestly i regret calling for help... because im literally no better off currently... ive learned the options are die or struggle to survive miserably for as long as i can and i guess ill try the second one. but im trying to do the things i need to. trying to find a remote decent paying job that hopefully wont drive me any more crazy. trying to be productive and not spend all day zoning out, getting high, sleeping, or crying. and if im not doing those things im literally pacing my room talking to myself. checking my room and self for bugs that dont exist, checking my food for hair or other contaminants, and checking for people looking in from my windows. i dont know how much louder of a cry for help i could be making or how much more blatant symptoms of mental unwellness i could be showing. i feel INSANE and yet not crazy enough for the system to deem me worthy of any kind of help. being uninsured and cripplingly agoraphobic definitely arent helping. but im taking it a minute at a time for now and definitely dont want to try to unalive myself again at least.

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