#but im also not allowed to be annoyed or angry that my feelings etc arent being heard

[roguestarsailor]

You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.

[i-just-want-to-destroy]

what do you think of bakugou and endeavor redemption arcs?

SEE THE THING IS,

I feel like bnha is always on the precipice of like. Touching on some REAL stuff but it always backs out at the last moment.

First of all im a big hater of both characters so expect a biased opinion here (lol). But i do think they are “good characters” as in they are interesting and pertinent to the plot, complex etc. bleh. bleh bleh. but the way their arcs are written.... lots of things rly dont sit right with me 

**Fair warning i dont have the english skills to phrase this whole thing better.

1. Bkg first. I remember when bkg took the hit for deku i made fun of the whole thing bc OFCC thats how we r going to “redemp” him. Which in one hand ok, it does stay true to bkgs character bc he literally cannot communicate his feelings to save his life, hes more of an action guy. But also i really do think the buildup for that moment can be pushed more. And im not even gonna blame bkgs character entirely here bc he IS an established stubborn ass with the communication skills of a tadpole etc etc. what im gonna blame is the way horikoshi never lets deku even TOUCH on the bullying he’s endured before UA. Its literally never been discussed. Like the only time it IS brought up is the flashback we get right before bkg sacrificed himself. But deku, instead, never got the chance to process any of it. And i think thats my main problem with the whole bkg thing (and ofc there is a vindictive part where i feel like bkg hasnt got enough “repercussions” for it, which may be arguable, but thats a whole different ballpark).

i especially think bkg should apologize outright/address what he’s done to deku, but if horikoshi wants to drag that speech out (and thats if the speech will ever happen in the first place) i can accept that. BUT. to me. It has to be equal... as in deku should be allowed to address that too.

I get that deku is a virtuous main character who will supposedly forgive kacchan no matter what or whatever. And fuck it you know what, thats okay. But im begging let deku at least process it in some way. Bc the thing about deku’s character is whenever he gets angry, its always on behalf of someone else’s and not himself.

Which, again, is a virtue. But i also think the author tapping out on the whole bullying issue is kinda a coward move. Even when deku dukes it out with bkg its always about “im gonna get stronger and be number one kacchan!!111” and not “man you irreparably damaged my entire childhood and told me to [redacted] myself.”

literally the whole bullying nuance is casted out and replaced immediately with some boys will be boys rivalry. Which, really, just looks like the author taking the easy way out to me.

I can see how much both characters have grown, tho, and its clear that they care about each other. but the development is really :/ it leaves much to be desired wtf. 

I’m not satisfied w bkg’s redemption arc thingy but i dont expect anything better either. I think if i were to reread bnha from the beginning i can have a clearer perspective on the whole thing, but i dont really feel the incentive for that bc it simply doesnt compel me enough to do so LOL.

If its worth anything, i dont really hate bkg anymore. only sometimes lmfao

2. End*avor. Ugh.

Ok. I love family drama its like crack to me. the whole dabi thing had me yelling forreal. And todoroki fam has like some of my most favorite characters in the whole series.

I dont even wanna discuss end*avors character... like honestly, the ones that shine the most in end*avor redemption arc are the other family members and not end*avor himself. Which on one hand i appreciate but also i might be biased? But im really <3 over how we get todoroki rei’s character development from this arc. Not only is rei’s arc cathartic as hell but its also very, very encouraging to see a character stands over her ab*ser like that after suffering for so long. I cant express how much i love that. And fuyumi and natsuo? Insanity. I esp love how fuyumi’s efforts get the appreciation they deserve.

And i liked the surprise where dabi rained on end*avor’s parade right after end*avor thought he could actually redeem himself. Ok im not gonna sugarcoat it i just liked to watch dabi fucked him over, it was a standing applause eureka moment for me.

Honestly i think the whole concept is really delicious, like the son of the number 1 hero is a villain thing, heroes arent saints, etc etc etc. like that is so sexi so dramatic so soap opera literal superhero telenovela and i loved it a lot. Like i really enjoyed reading the whole thing. so like. i am entertained.

Do i feel like end*avor has redeemed himself? Mm NO <3. I appreciate the details that he himself thinks that he is unforgivable (blehh) and he DID suffer which was nice to watch, personally. but its not enough and it will never be <3 

im not sure if i think this way bc i just think what he did is irredeemable or bc the storytelling sucked OR BOTH <3. And i still do feel bnha did that thing where it backed out at the last moment with end*avor’s arc.... like it was touching it but it still didnt want to get its hands dirty, you know? Like what stance is it taking, really? It just never goes all out. 

i think some details about this arc also irk me...... like why does the rest family got to shoulder the burden of his fuck ups? <3 die <3 like this part annoys me so much. and seeing how he got to be comforted after everything he’s done.................................................... i cant even say how much that just ... pisses tf out of me <3 haha

like thats the thing. i feel like both characters (bkg n end*avor) are still coddled despite everything.

im fully aware im biased tho. and no i will not change

leaving that clownery aside, i didnt expect bnha to take this direction, so like. ..Applause i suppose :/. The recent arcs have been a pleasant surprise in some part and i will still be following its developments. i do genuinely think both characters are interesting btw i just kinda hate them lmfaooo. 

honestly, what i do. is just to keep low standards 🙌

TLDR I dont rly feel like either characters have redeemed themselves and i feel some disappointments over their respective arcs but i like the development n direction that the story is taking overall.

[woundjob]

what do you do when you feel like absolute shit and you need words of encouragement?? bc i’ve run out of options at this point

kind of a long one. disclaimer im not an expert ive just been mentally ill for a long time lol

honest answer. when im feeling fucked up i logic my way out of it. i am very lucky to have been diagnosed with borderline when i was pretty young, so i know that when im feeling like garbage, i know that its probably black and white thinking that gets me down. my steps for despiraling are figure out the problem and then address it. if you look at your bad mental states logically, they usually arent that bad. for me that looks like: 1. i feel Bad, why do i feel bad? am i hungry/thirsty? am i tired? have i been sitting/standing/in bed/outside for too long? or is something bothering me, and if somethings bothering me, what?

2. if its not the easy stuff, and somethings bothering me, i look at it practically. whats the problem, and what does my friend logic (the thought, not the rapper lmfao) have to say about it?

ex.

problem: i feel like my friends hate me logic: your friends dont hate you. your friends made the concious decision to be your friends. would you be friends with someone you hate?

problem: i feel like im being annoying logic: people would tell you if you were annoying

and so on. if youre still feeling crummy after this, the third step is asking okay, what do i need? that can be like, talking to friends or distracting yourself with another task or taking a walk etc. this sort of stuff is really helpful for small day to day worries that exist at the start of a mental breakdown spiral. if you can stop these, sometimes you stop the whole breakdown alltogether.

of course, there are bigger problems in life that arent solved this way. there are a lot of issues that i have in life that i dont have an answer for. i still spend full days in bed sometimes just feeling miserable. it happens to the best of us. remember some things:

1. you will be sad. you will be angry. you will be miserable, catatonic, heart-achingly depressed. and youre allowed to be. its part of life. take some time to be sad. dont force yourself to buck up. its okay.

and

2. when youve spent time feeling sad, allow yourself to feel happy. life is short. you only get so much of it. “there are people to see and dishes to wash in the meantime” etc

also, maybe look into therapy. hope this helps a little bit!!!