#but it gave me too many feelings hdu

[prcttylittlethings-a]

💘 + Zeo

headcanon meme - dating edition ! zeo / what is you is me verse ~ 

where they first met and how - they’ve known each other their entire lives ; their parents were friends, their grandparents were friends, there was never a chance for them not to meet. as for when they became actual friends, it was probably in grade school when zelda & avery would bully him into hanging out with them ( and zelda would dare avery to kiss him before going “no I’M going to kiss him he’s MY prince!!!” ) 

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved - zelda has known she’s been in love with leo since the third grade, when they were ice skating in central park and he helped her up when she fell down. as for when leo discovered it, it probably wasn’t until zelda kissed him for the first time and he went ‘oh damn. yeah, okay.’ because he’s an idiot. 

who fell for who first ( if applicable ) - definitely zelda. she’s a hopeless romantic and she spent their early years both mocking him endlessly and flirting with him shamelessly. she just couldn’t figure out how he didn’t know they were totally MFEO. 

where their first date was and what it was like - their first Real Date was something leo probably panicked over a lot. they’ve hung out their entire life but when does it count as a date now ???? we go to the zoo is that a date ?? we went to tiffany’s is that a date ??? but they both count their first real date as a movie at the angelika and eating at a shitty diner in midtown they’d normally never get caught dead in where they talked for hours  and a demure kiss at the door of her apartment building, it was the cliche date zelda always wanted and never knew how to ask for. 

who asks who out and how ( with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’? ) - zelda and avery attempted to tank his date to cotillion by being naked in a hot tub and making out in an attempt to seduce him. except then avery chickened out and went to kiss someone else to act like it was nbd she just made out with her best friend and zelda was like my time has come. after that he was her Boyfriend and no one else was allowed to touch him again. 

who proposes first - oh boy that would have to come waaaaay down the road. like, after college when all three of them are in the city again. avery and zelda have been trying to figure out what the Fuck they’re doing, and leo would have to be like “why can’t i just have both of you” and it would be super confusing. zelda definitely talks about it the most - in the end, they’d probably decide on “ this is my wife zelda, and her girlfriend avery who sometimes we have a threesome with so i don’t feel left out “ 

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away  - if it wasn’t tacky, zelda would have put a billboard up in times square. 

where the proposal happens and how ( kiss cam at a baseball game? on a hillside surrounded by ducks? at a disney park? ) - zelda has planned her proposal since she was thirteen. the ring was picked out at harry winston and she knew exactly what she wanted. leo and avery take no part of this because the thing they both know she likes most about both of them is their spontaneity. so on a vacation to visit her dad in france, leo proposes at the vineyard during a small, intimate party - enough attention for her to feel like all eyes are on her, but small enough that she feels its exclusive and not broadcast to everyone until she’s ready to announce it. 

if they adopt any pets together - zelda has a cat, but when they’re in their 20s living together, they definitely have her cat and leo just walks home with a dog one day. “it was following me.” 

who’s more dominant - zelda 100% because she is Bossy and likes things a certain way. but leo can surprise her and she loves when he makes a decision or stands up for her or tries to boss her around. she thinks its cute. 

where their first kiss was and what it was like - instead of their first kiss ( because, duh, already talked abt ) lets talk about their first kiss when they get back together after the avery drama comes out - they spend most of senior year broken up and they’ve both missed each other the entire time despite neither of them acknowledging it but she’s a big sister again ( her mother has a fucking baby i swear this is a real plot in the books ) and she looks so happy and light and he hasn’t seen her like that in forever and so he just goes for it and it’s the first time he’s really initiated things between them and it Feels Perfect but it’s familiar and warm and it’s when zelda finally loses her virginity 

if they have any matching couples stuff ( mugs? sweaters? pillowcases? ) - pLEASE matching yale sweatshirts !!!!! even when he ends up going somewhere else ( brown ? HARVARD imagine a harvard!leo and yale!zelda the tension ) she still makes him wear the yale hoodie all the time at the house because the navy looks Very Good On Him 

how into pda they are - Image Is Everything so quick kisses and hand holding and hugging is acceptable but she is Not about to let him grope her in public. that being said she’s also an attention whore and an exhibitionist so there are times in college / etc where she lets him get handsy in clubs or bars because she loves it. 

who holds the umbrella when it rains - lmao leo obviously. as if zelda isn’t busy with her bag and her phone. leo ! my hair ! hold the umbrella straighter !!!

where their usual ‘date spot’ is ( if applicable ) - they go to various restaurants and bars, but they spend most of their time in central park. it’s right there, and zelda loves how romantic it can be ( if you ignore the tourists, pigeons, and hot dog vendors ). 

who’s more protective - zelda would think she is, but leo does a lot to protect her. he knows how to distract her and make her relax and when people talk shit about her or gossip about her he’s usually the first to defend her. 

how long it is before they sleep together ( can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’ ) - they’ve been sharing a bed since they were like eight on random sleepovers, and it never really meant anything until they were dating. but she’s a ball of insecurity, even if she doesn’t show it, and doesn’t sleep with him until right before their high school graduations. 

if they argue about anything - they argue about everything. or, zelda argues and leo just thinks about when he can get stoned again. the crux of most of their problems is really avery - she thinks he’s in love with her ( he is, a little ) but he also thinks zelda puts avery first ( she does, usually ) but instead they fight about things like where to get dinner or why he’s not listening to her 

who leaves more marks ( lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc. ) - lmao zelda of course. leo is Hers and she will let the world know. this makes him leaving his mark on her ( hickeys and scratches sometimes, usually not until college ) even sexier. 

who steals whose clothes and how often - zelda has an entire drawer of his clothes at her house. she has for years. she wears them to bed because they’re comfy and smell like him. when he stays over he loves to see it. he has definitely accidentally put on her sweatshirts sometimes in a rush, though. she thinks its cute. 

how they cuddle ( spooning? facing each other? ) - if they’re sleeping, they usually start spooning ( zelda is the little spoon, obviously ) but they’ll spread out throughout the night and sometimes they wake up with him as the little spoon. if they’re just on the couch or the bed watching tv or something she usually rests her head on his chest or shoulder so he plays with her hair, or vice versa. they’re very physical and touchy. 

what their favourite nonsexual activity is - leo loves sailing, so they go out and do that whenever they can during the summer. but despite zelda’s constant demand to be Seen, they really just love quiet nights in with take out and an old movie playing. 

how long they stay mad at each other - zelda will hold a grudge forever. leo has never understood this concept. it confuses him and he buys her a present so she’s not mad anymore. it almost always works. unless he sleeps with her best friend and keeps it from her for a year, y’know. 

what their usual coffee / tea orders are - caffeine makes leo jittery, and while her friends have all these complex ‘girly’ orders, she just likes coffee, one sugar, splash of milk. sometimes at night she’ll drink some herbal tea to help her sleep. 

if they ever have any children together - zelda has had the Dream of children since they were kids, and in the end the three of them end up with twins - it’s a strange parenting system they have with all three of them, but they make it work. besides, leo is never more grateful for avery’s partnership in their throuple than a pregnant zelda. can you even imagine. 

if they have any special pet names for each other - typical cliche things - babe, sweetie, baby. zelda and avery call each other ‘z’ and ‘a’ and leo likes to think of himself as the bookmark in the middle of the bookcase ( get it. a - l - z ? its cute. ) but they don’t usually have anything too unique. 

if they ever split up and / or get back together - once a week ? jk. they’re pretty stable until avery comes back from boarding school, and then they break up for most of the year. they get back together before graduation just to break up a few weeks alter, and college is a mess of ‘i love you / i hate you’ and trying to figure out avery’s place within the three of them before they all collectively figure out their shit in their 20s. 

what their shared living space is like ( messy? clean? what kind of decor? ) - very clean, but not like, super organized crazy. zelda likes things picked up and clean ( and they have maids, obviously ) but she doesn’t like, color code her wardrobe. they’d hire an interior designer when they got their own place, but it would be a little chaotic like they all are - a crazy colorful bedroom but a muted living room, a bright vibrant kitchen and a dark bathroom. a mixture of all three of them all over the place. 

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like - they always went to see the nutcracker as kids, and once they’re dating, they start going Together as a date. they split cigarettes during intermission and walk home through the snow together. they pick out a gift to exchange on christmas eve if they’re in the city, or before they’re forced to separate if they have to go with their family. in college, she spends a winter break with him in maine, and once they’re old enough to do their own holidays, they throw huge parties a couple days before to celebrate with everyone they care about before the three of them have their own, quiet holiday. 

what their names are in each other’s phones - if leo has it as anything other than ‘zelda’ he’d never find her, but she does force a heart emoji on there. she likes her phone organized correctly, so he’s also labeled ‘leo’ but it does have a matching heart emoji. their groupchat name, however, changes based on zeldas mood and if she’s angry or enamored with them. sometimes she deletes it entirely and that’s when it’s time to go to tiffanys. 

if they have any ‘couple traditions’ ( buying a new mug for their collection every year? baking every friday evening? ) - after he discovers the heart in his sweater, there’s small exchanges of little trinkets like that. they’re definitely into present giving - it’s the way they were both raised to show love - and they have annual traditions ( the nutcracker, sailing, etc. ) but most of their habits are just engrained in them from their own environments. 

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first - leo falls asleep if you let him sit still too long and zelda has never heard of sleeping. 

who’s the big spoon / little spoon - both of them at any point in time - it’s really just a matter of who’s more emotionally unstable at the moment. 

who hogs the bathroom - zelda has a thousand beauty and hair supplies and leo’s just like ‘guess ill go use the guest bathroom then’ 

who kills the spiders / takes them outside - the maid, obviously. 

[honorable-wanderings]

Word of Honor - Episode 3 Part 2 - We’re getting INN to it now!

Meanwhile back with Scooby  and the Gang. B-characters realize that the Goldilocks is missing and it was only the 3 bears that were killed.

And we can hear them surprisingly well from this far away. Their voices must carry exceptionally well.

---------------

The spiderwebs of DEATH

Seriously though it’s been hours. How has no one either taken these wires down or run into them accidentally? You cannot tell me they have checked every bit of this place for ChengLing’s body if these are still up.

Someone has lied to you Mr. White ‘n’ Blue.

----------------------

No you fucking did not. If you were cleaning them up roughly you’d at least get the ones on the main doorways! goddamn.

-----------

Old ppl vs the Ghosts!

COME ON DOWN FOR THE FIGHT OF YOUR LIFE THE ALL DEAD VS THE MOSTLY DEAD THIS SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY BE THERE BE THERE BE THERE.

---------------

The Ghost Valley is a menace! It’s high time someone went in there and eradicated them all!

Huh... never thought of that before...

-----------------------

Eh. Old people chanting the children’s rhymes doesn’t have the same tension. It’s just not the right feel. It’s a no from me.

----------------

Yes. This is perfectly far enough away. No one could possibly overhear us from this distance! I am a genius!

-----------------

We are all very worried about ChengLing’s well being. Yes. That is all. Only his well being. Nothing else. No ulterior motives here. Nope. Purely just good will and worry. :DDDD

---------------------

Ah yes! Back to my boys! :D

------------------------

You big softie.

Seriously though. He is so considerate of not only Best Boy’s physical well being but really his emotional state and autonomy as well. He doesn’t expect ChengLing to act like a full grown adult but he doesn’t treat him like a little kid either. It’s great and I’m here for it.

---------------------------------

It’s not stalking if we got here first, right? Now you’re stalking me! :D :D :D :D :D

-------------

Some day soon I’ll get you to admit you like me ;)

-------------------

-------------------------------------------------------

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat you’re here to? At this random river?????? OMG what are the chancesssssss?!?!?

At this point I just wanna know fuckin how????

----------------------------------

A-Xiang deserves a fucking medal for putting up with this BS. For real.

----------------

A-Xu you make-a him sad D:

---------------

Zhou ZiShu! Look out! They’re stealing your boat!!

-------------------------

-Hey if the ghost valley peeps come up to wreck shit it’s gonna be our shit that gets wrecked too you know? -I don’t give a farting fly’s left ass cheek! I’m one foot in the grave already.

------------------

Glazed armor this glazed armor that give me a glazed donut and let’s call it a day. I don’t careeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

------------------------------------------

Are you inn or out?

----------------------

Sorry we’re out of space because for some reason we let ourselves rent out the entire establishment to a single person. Like I get he paid for the rooms but it’d still be bad for business?? Like no one wants to go to an inn if they won’t let you stay even though there are empty rooms. Like the fuck

------------

Look elsewhere? Shit you know this is the only inn in town (apparently)!! Where we supposed to go???

Um... why don’t you try looking at I don’t give a FUCK

----------------------------

Well well well. Who could have seen this coming?

-------------------

Zhou ZiShu is about read to add a few more nails

---------------------------

This old ragged beggar man is hot as fuck. Set him up in my room at once!

Just end my suffering. I beg you

-------------------------

ChengLing just gonna keep his mouth shut and stay out of it

------------------------------

-I gave you my own room! -My room now. Kindly GTFO -But I bought you clothes too! -Yeah no one asked you. GTFO!!

-How have my seduction techniques continued to fail??????????

-------------------------------

Love me pls D:

-----------------

If Oedipus invented a wire tap he’s gonna have to work harder to get past me!!

---------------

But he doesn’t look like he’s a bad person

Bad people rarely do.

--------------------

Take the bed? I couldn’t possibly!! No! You’re taking care of me and protecting me and you’re old! You take the bed! I’ll sleep on the chair! I’m the best boy!!!

Bitch did I fucking stutter?

--------------

You owe me no explanations. I’m sure you have your reasons and that they’re good ones. But don’t suffer needlessly. Treat your wounds and I won’t ask any more about it.

--------------

MY BOY DOESN’T DESERVE THIS. ALL THIS OVER A PIECE OF FUCKIN SEA GLASS??????????

---------------

Ain’t nobody dope as me I’m just so fresh, so clean (So fresh and so clean clean)

--------------------------

Daaate niiiiiight

----------

So I get that you’re like persistently stalking me and all that but like Why??

Because I know you cute as fuck. Why you hiding? Show me what your true face and I’ll tell you what I want. What I really really want.

You first bitch

-------------

Local man tries to pry secrets out of only human in a 10 mile radius who has no ulterior motives and is confused when it doesn’t work.

--------------

Das gay

HDU

----------------------

Clink Clink bitch

-------------------------

Master can you please keep it in your pants for 5 minutes? It’s all I ask. Just 5 minutes of peace! Please!

---------

Pop Quiz! Who is the second cutest person in the world?

I will settle for anyone who feeds me

Naw. Tsundere is where it’s at.

*Is unimpressed in tsundere*

---------------------

Then who is the mostest cutest?

A tsundere with long legs, slim waist, fat ass.

Heavens strike me down now. Please end my misery. Why did I sit here? Didn’t I know better?

Anyone have any more torture nails? Anyone? Please?

-----------------------------

*Insert Mii channel theme*

--------------------

We are the unwashed masses. Let’s go fuck some shit up

---------

Hey guys. Does this look like anime style to you? Someone said it looks like anime but I don’t see it.

I think it looks great! I can’t even draw a stick figure! hahahaha

--------------------------

Sleepy boi <3

----------------

How the fuck did I become the third wheel?

-----------

*mii channel theme continues*

----------------

Your honored uncle here wouldn’t let us eat anything until you woke up even though he sat at my table. D:

-------------------

-Stop acting like a little brat and start acting polite and demure like the other girls

-Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh gross

-------------------------

We’re doing found family and we’re doing it now!

-------------------------

Why aren’t you eating?

Yeah! We had to wait all this time for you to get here and you’re not even eating anyway!!!!!!

Well my home and my entire family died, and so did that random boat man who protected me. And also there’s a hole in my stomach. So I don’t have much of an appetite atm.

Oh My God. can you not???

But that’s how I show affection!!!!!!!! D:<

---------------

Shoving food in your face to hide your tears. A time honored tradition.

Also D: Best boy is sad </3

--------------------

Oh no. More people I’m supposed to remember.

JESUS FUCK REALLY???

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW MANY? You cannot tell me they are all important. Please tell me I’m not supposed to remember this many people. I can’t handle this.

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG

THAT’S 11 PEOPLE AT ONCE! WHAT THE FUCK

---------------

Whenever this guy speaks it sounds like he’s trying really hard not to cough in front of the board meeting.

-------------

Okay so what I got from this is

There was a treaty between these peeps and the ghost peeps to say they’ll leave each other the fuck alone

The ghost peeps broke that promise by fucking with the mirror lake sect and so these peeps decided to retaliate

and they’re gonna retaliate by throwing a party? Like I guess they’re just gathering forces? But like it’s a weird way to do it.

-------------

Oh for the love of god.

--------------------------------

Pffffffffffffffff welcome to the circus

----------------------------

*sigh*

Okay y’all I can remember like 6 people. 7 Max. Y’all gonna have to be picky about who’s important here.

How many of these people do I actually have to know?

----------------------

Now what the fuck happened here and why are the twin jades here?

-------------------------

You two have a piece of the glazed ham. And even though no one is using it it’s really important that we keep it that way. No one must hold all pieces of the glazed ham. Or..... bad things?

--------------

Oh my. Pain o’clock already?

-----------------

SOMEONE GET THEIR ASS IN THERE AND GIVE MY BOY A HUG!

-----------------------

Hey! What do you see? Is he in there? I can’t see a goddamn thing.

-------------------

So I know that he’s like what, 15? And like grew up with a dad. But like you know they made him scream “A-Die” and then wake up to Zhou ZiShu’s comforting touch on purpose. You know that was planned.

Maybe not a father, but certainly a father figure.

(Also thanks, A-Xu for answering my request from earlier for someone to comfort the poor boy.)

--------------------------

What’s this? The sounds of a scuffle???

Whelp. Not anymore.

--------------------------

Couldn’t he have just ordered them to leave instead?

---------------------

The Ghost Valley seems to be following me rather closely.

Oh you have no idea. ;)

-------------------

Alcohol detected

-------------------

Let me call you a cute pet name and I’ll let you drink from my bottle of nectar. ;)

Oh my god this shit again?

----------------------

You know what?

Two can play at this game.

---------------------

You wanna see what lies underneath? Rip it off yourself.

Don’t worry! I’m patient! Sleep well! Dream of me! I know I’ll be dreaming of you! ;)

[shallcarvemaam]

Cambridge Dream Report.

Dreams and visions I experienced in the Intensive Treatment and High Dependency Unit of the transplant area type thing of Addenbrookes hospital.

On waking from anesthetic one of the nurses appeared to me as a wavy haired blue skeletal thing, constantly jabbering in an alien language. The walls of the recovery room were flashing in many different colours. When the breathing machine was switched off and I kept having to remind myself to breathe (actually there was an alarm that sounds if you stop deliberately pumping your lungs for long), I saw a tunnel of writhing blue skeletons around me. It was the same shade of blue I saw earlier.

When they took me to ITU I thought I could see past the PPE the staff were wearing to smiling, idealised faces beyond. Later, in the HDU I fell asleep to see shifting, growing, alien landscapes too varied to mention. I saw the same thing each time I closed my eyes, none of it recognisable at first though I guessed that it was a place. Over what felt like ages I began to perceive an up and a down, later things like rivers and lakes, hills and valleys, and that I was moving through them as they grew.

I kept getting the feeling that someone unformed was creeping around behind my bed, like some people report seeing when they get a bad infection. I only had a mild infection. Someone kept running from my sight, and later as I was being wheeled around another person tried to hide from me by spinning around in a corner, shrinking as they did, hands over their face.

Later, when I closed my eyes a Cat Goddess appeared to me and recited an epic poem written by an inmate in what they used to call an asylum, I knew this in the way you just know some things in dreams. The Goddess stood upright and gave a special performance in a ruined castle, overgrown and devoured by lush green plants. She wore purple and pink shades, a flowing dress adorned with gold chains, her fur was white and grey, ears short, eyes keen yellow. And she was really cutting loose, opening her mouth wide and I saw many lit candles in there.

The unformed people returned once or twice, and seemed to be trying to package themselves away in gym bags and other bits of luggage. I also saw the landscapes as they grew, now I recognised teeth, eyes and faces sometimes as well as jewels and other rocks.

A day or two later I played out the full version of "The Generous Brothers", a story I never finished, about siblings who lived in a village that was constantly being demolished and rebuilt. They earned a living by searching the alleyways for fragments of the older villages and selling them back to the residents. Replication errors meant that the village was already a parody of something else, with signs in broken English referring to signs in gibberish. The younger brother (who was named Digestive, after the biscuit) began to wonder if there was a sense of permanence outside the village while the elder was happy with his ever changing family and home life. It was the first time since the operation that an idea or dream came to me that was related to anything I knew about before I arrived at Cambridge.

[andivebeenafoolandivebeenblind]

my story!

Day 1: Today was a long and very emotional day, M came with me to the hospital, where i had too tell my story from the very beginning, which was difficult. After the D&A team and the MH team finally figured out what they were going to do with me, i ended up waiting for patient transport as they were admitting me in Wyong. After arriving in Wyong and being metal detected, vitals done and shown where everything was I spent an hour or so just in my room which is number 21, at the end of the corridor, away from the desk. When I thought everyone had gone too bed, I went and sat in the common area and watched a bit of whatever was on tv. I had a small reserved chat with a girl who is 31 and in the room next too mine. They’ve taken my phone and bra’s off me. I can hear the rain outside. I’m nervous about tomorrow with all the new Dr’s and having too repeat my story and hopefully be cleared for piggies. M was amazing today! I cried so much on the drive too Wyong :(

Day 2: Today was rough! after a some what hard sleep with a few awoken moments and tears, I found it very difficult for me to wake up for breakfast. After breakfast I had a shower and went to sit out in the courtyard. I sat in on ‘group psychology’ and didn't really say anything. I spoke with a psychologist, psychiatrist and the MH ward GP. Sooooooo many questions asked on their end. I was approved for two, thirty minute breaks (smokes) unaccompanied leave and one hour of accompanied leave per day! We get our phones on each break so I need my charger I had smokes today thanks too a guy in here. Since being back i got very agitated and had a headache, so I was given 1g of panadol l and 100mg of serequel and then the night meds too sleep which were zopiclone. I start a new a new antidepressant tomorrow morning. Right now my mood is 4/10 Megan comes tomorrow and smokes. One step at a time.... still really want too end it all but everyone here is the best kinda support. Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 3: Today most definitely had its ups and downs. For starters NOONE called me, I had too call you and no-one answered, so all g I’m over it now.... I found waking up was different and that i felt like a space cadet its worse than being lit thats for sure. I haven't got too pick my menu yet so morrow will be a surprise as well, the new girl E, she presented too GDH ED the same afternoon I did. M and her mum came too see me today, they saw my room. We just stood outside so i could smoke. Mum is coming up tomorrow around 1-1:30pm but thats when lunch is, hopefully we go shopping and we get ciggies, and fingers crossed she remembers the shit too get me including my thongs and charger. Second night in a row of zopiclone and serequel, administered separately both with effect. Goodnight cruel world.

Day 4: Sunday was eventful thats for sure. I felt sick, space cadety, belittled loved, scared and unsafe. Mum came too see me today, we hung out and got coffee’s. She bought me clothes, smokes and my glasses. We were belittled together by a nurse about bringing coffee back onto the ward. I was also asked if I had spoken too any patients of the rehab ward, too which i responded NO!. I danced outside, I cried, I am currently feeling unsafe and know I’m still a 3/10 if not maybe even a 2/10 because i stole a fucking staple, a singular fucking staple, but I’ve got this. My emotions are sooooooo out of whack, I rang N on my last break of the day  and face timed him and H. Rang C and told him where I was. I haven't had a zopiclone yet, just a serequel, ladies and gentleman “Next on, is A going too kill herself?”

Day 5: Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse, I woke up! Today has just been challenging I was woken up too take my medication, breakfast was crap, I did go out into the courtyard and throw oranges at the tree with J this morning. L and I went on the morning walk and snuck ciggies out. Mum wouldn’t visit me today because of my mood! I had an ECG and MSU the ECG was fine, my MSU showed all the recreational drugs I’d been taking outside of admission. *D and A came and saw me. Last night I hurt myself with the god damn staple and I was honest with my morning nurse about it and I was spoken too about HDU, where I don’t want to go! which got me on 1/2hr watches. Ive had 150mg of serequel today so thats not good. I didn’t like the psychology group today, maybe tomorrow’s will be better. I rang N and spoke too him before his phone died, he made me laugh which was good. Hopefully this is as low as I’ll feel which is a 1/10.

Day 6: Today was okay, I was around 3/10-4/10 for a vast majority of the day, but I’ve had some lows. I was so drugged out this morning during my appointment with the psychiatrist, but the general gist is I’m here until I’m not scared of myself anymore, I do however get extra leave. 2 X1hr unaccompanied and 1X2hr accompanied. I walked over too the petrol station today too buy cigarettes and a 30pk of winfield blue crush cost me $40.45! WTF! Snuck a biggie out on the morning walk again and had headpins hahaha. I bought a large soy dirty chai. After my afternoon break I came back in and wanted too sign myself out! I spoke with J and E about it then I rang N and he gave me some hard truths, that i needed. After the morning walk because the psychologist wasn’t there the OT organised cooking, so we baked 2 cakes.  Tonight I have been in and out of tears for god only knows why, no thats a lie there are a few reasons why, I took my night time meds tonight so lets see how i feel when i wake up considering I’m still scared of thoughts. C my nurse this morning has been fantastic.

Day 7:  I woke up a 3/10 I didn’t have breakfast, I went for the morning walk and snuck a biggie. Came back form the walk 2/10 spoke with G the psychologist on the ward, for a fair bit of time and was able to speak about somethings I haven’t ever spoken about. For my first 1hour break i went too Kanwall shops to go too the bottle-o with B, I bought 2 bottles for $12 and there was 7.4 standard drinks too a bottle. We sat at the park had a few ciggies, I tack vommed real good, we walked back too the unit, I had a shower and changed and washed my clothes. For the second break B and I did the same thing except this time I only bought 1 bottle and we shared it. We didn’t finish it and left it near the school, I’ll be going back for it tomorrow. My afternoon was about a 4/10 and then my mood started too drop and now i have been randomly crying for no particular reason. O’s exhibit J’s currently girlfriend is in here and she is a piece of work, J visited her almost all afternoon.  After B and I went for the second walk we were where we normally smoke, I laid down on my back and B sat on my stomach, she looked down at me and kissed me, and then we kinda made out and N saw us, we went too go inside, when she called me over in-between the buildings and we started making out again. N saw it again lol, so we had a smoke with him and then walked back in. According too R I’m fucking “desperate and stupid” because i used a staple too hurt myself, she is so lucky L told me and that I didn’t hear it because Id be sitting in HDU right now. I miss my mum and hope she comes too see me tomorrow and I won’t be drunk.

Day 8: I got lamb drunk today, I saw the psychiatrist and MO today and I’ve been put on 5mg Diazapam (Valium) BD aswell as being on a benzo withdrawal scale, which is weird, why did they wait 7 days too put me on a bento withdrawal scale? any who I get 6 hours/ day accompanied or unaccompanied leave hoping for discharge on monday. If not all good. I wish i was out for the weekend but im going too organise with mum a time too go see N. Mum has saturday, sunday and monday off work so she will see me then with C and possibly Nan. C said he will come and see me tomorrow. I rang N tonight where he told me after his appointment today, he came too see me but I was in the middle of lunch and they didn’t even tell me, he thought I picked food over him! As if that could ever be true. Im getting referrals too psychotherapy and my GP is going too get a discharge summary with how too wean me off Valium. I really miss N and just want an N hug and too play the drums. N left today, I wished him the best of luck.

Day 9: Today is Friday and I went and got super smashed, mum knows about my bento withdrawal scale and is okay with that she doesn’t know I’m smashed. I cant wait too see her tomorrow and go too the beach with her and C. Tonight I was so drunk I couldn’t do the withdrawal scale but they gave me a sleeping tablet. I fell over on my walk back too the hospital and fucked up my knee’s toes and one wrist.  I don’t want to feel this bad again I was literally laying where we smoke and I was tack coming hard. NEVER AGAIN! they want too take my solo leave away but they will let me out tomorrow with mum so I guess thats okay. Mum is taking me too the beach so I’m excited about that.

Day 10: I went too the beach today and it was great! the weather was warm but the water was absolutely freezing, yet refreshing. C was a no show today, which didn’t faze me. Mum bought me a razor so i could shave, but she made me strip too my underwear and show her my body both before AND after the shower and then she checked the razor, it was humiliating, but i completely understand why she did it and I don’t blame her! After the beach mum and I went too Lakehaven shops where we went too coles and Kmart, we got KFC for food. At Kmart I bought a new pair of shorts and a pair of thongs. Once I got back to the ward I had a biggie or two and started feeling really low so instead of doing something I’d regret I walked back through the doors too the ward, where after dinner I went straight to bed, looking back on that feeling I’m sure its because I was surrounded by a lot of people and I was just very overwhelmed, but I spent most of the night in my room or not engaging with people in the common areas. I snuck my phone in tonight, and messaged N until I fell asleep. I only took a 50mg serequel instead of that and a zopi. Im seeing mum tomorrow and she is taking me too see N and I’m super excited, I’ve missed him so much.

Day 11: Today has been a mixed bag of emotions, waking up every hour or so last night probably didn’t help. I woke up for my morning meds and breakfast with no-one waking me up. I went out for my morning smoke at 10 in my pj’s and took an hour. I went and laid in the sun in the courtyard with J, I then started to get ‘bad’ thoughts and went too lay down and read. I ended up getting PRN serequel because I could feel my heart beating through my chest and I was getting really edgy, I think that was because I was nervous about seeing N and Z this afternoon. Mum came up at around 2pm and we sat in the common area chatting for a bit, we then played uno, where I whopped her ass! Mum then signed me out on leave and we went too the small park right behind Tuggerah Westfeild so I could meet up with N and Z. When I saw N he gave me the biggest and best most needed cuddle I’ve ever had, he didn’t let me go, I had a few tears but it was okay, we talked, i laughed we got in Z’s car because the boys had something for me too listen too and it was THEIR SINGLE and it was fucking filthy, I’m so proud of them. N said he would come and stay at mum’s with me when i got out and we would dye my hair and go clothes shopping hahaha. On the drive back too the hospital I started getting really upset and anxious because I just wanted to go home with mum, but I’ve spoken with my nurse and it looks promising for discharge tomorrow :) Fingers crossed everything goes well. I smuggled my phone in again tonight.