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razor-crests · 5 years

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Stomp and Grind

Pairing: (Mandalorian/Dyn Jarren x Reader)

Rating: EXPLICIT 🛑

Words: 2.9k

Summary: Delirium[ dih-leer-ee-uh m ] - a state of violent excitement or emotion. A Mandalorian walks into a bar, and it's only a matter of time before he ruins your life.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21954169/chapters/52391470

Business was booming, so to speak.

The lower city joint was what you considered to be comfortably packed from your own familiar spot behind the bar, tucked decisively away from the thunderous energy of colorful clientele. Every booth, table, and stool was spoken for, with excess patrons clamoring to huddle around large groups engaged in conversation or bravely attempt to wrassle their way toward you to gruffly request an order. Evidently, there wasn’t enough starfire ‘skee in the system to keep these thugs sated.

You couldn’t scarcely remember a time that you’d seen the cantina as packed as this. When you took the bartending job initially, Taris was no better than a ghost town, a rusted broken-down shell of what it once was pre-civil war. Truthfully, the history of the planet you called home was one muddled with class warfare and deception, but Taris proved to be prime real estate for the galaxy’s most morally ambiguous, despite remaining 70% decaying rubble and 30% ocean.

See, the thing about Taris was that it had served as the galaxy’s punching bag for thousands of years for a reason. In its heyday, over 60 billion Tarisians resided on the planet’s surface, whether they were privileged enough to afford upper city apartments or otherwise. It was an almost perfect waypoint between Hutt Space and Coruscant, two other juggernauts of industry. Skyscrapers towered hundreds of stories high, breaching the cloud cover so unremittingly that the naked eye might’ve deemed them towers to the heavens.

Only, unlike any other ecumenopolis, Taris was perfectly stationed within the Outer Rim, which naturally meant that nobody was enforcing shit.

All this made it a haven for bounty hunters and travelers alike, or really anyone who sought to make some quick currency without answering to a higher authority.

To distance yourself from that way of life would be absurd. After all, you weren’t just any run of the mill barkeep. Your status as an informant was well kept, but implied, as many of the businesses in the lower city area were not what they seemed at first glance. The man that owned the establishment had connections to smugglers, Separatists, Galactic Alliance politicians- you name it.

Live music began to blare from the stage, prompting another eruption of movement from the crowd as clusters of people began to siphon onto the dance floor, faces alight with the elation that only a back-alley watering hole could inspire.

You finish emptying out a glass of something neon green and cloudy, handing it swiftly to the worker droid for cleaning, and shift to lean forward against the counter when a silvery glint catches your eye, weaving within the crowd but out of sight in a mere flash. Craning your neck to identify it once more, your attention is forcibly yanked away by...ugh.

“It’s been too long,” drawled a familiar voice from beyond the bar, and you were instantly relieved to have said barrier in place. The speaker was a Balosar gang member that you distinctly remember from the week before, having had the privilege of cleaning up after him when he couldn’t hold his liquor. The ordeal only came after his vehement effort to coax you into a date. For three hours straight.

He was a lanky young thing, fresh off the docking bay from his homeworld. His clothes were disheveled, but only just enough that it was evident he was trying too hard to appear rugged. His eyes were glazed over this time, though, and you could tell he was barely lucid. You couldn’t help but wonder how much longer he’d last if staying in town was part of his MO.

“Not long enough, Bez,” you retort, instinctively. Funnily enough, your second instinct was to casually slide your hand underneath the glossy tabletop to grasp the handle of a blaster you kept at arm’s reach for safety reasons. You wouldn’t need it, necessarily, but perhaps you could chase him away so as to not be doomed to a shift spent babysitting. It was either that or staging a brawl, which sounded like way too much work.

“You know I couldn’t keep myself away for- hey, what the-”

While Baz was presumably gearing up to give his new and improved pitch, you were checking the barrel of your WESTAR-34 while your hip shifted to rest snugly against the nearby pillar.

“Oh, by all means, keep going,” you continue, the faint echo of a smile edging across your cheeks. You were occupying yourself with polishing the hilt using your jacket sleeve, watching the refraction of light bounce erratically from multicolored lamps overhead.

“I don’t mean to interrupt, but I’m here to speak to a man named Jigo Delac. Is he here?”

It’s amazing how the specific cadence of someone’s voice can carry such depth and promise, especially if it’s being augmented by a modulator. It was undeniable; your attention was captured in an instant.

You expected Baz to do something idiotic and ask who the fuck this guy thought he was talking to, but he seemed to slink away almost immediately.

Once you raised your head, you understood why.

“Rough timing, friend. You just missed him,” you respond swiftly, adjusting your gaze higher to meet the stranger’s eyes but finding the distinct gleam of a t-visor instead. Of course.

Your shoulders do something funny, not quite tensing up but rather rolling back as your posture shifted. The lone figure was taller than you by a couple inches from what you could tell, seemingly armored in beskar from head to toe. Well, that was what you assumed, given that anything below his chestplate was obscured by your little firewater-filled enclosure.

“But…,” you continue melodically, drawing out the word while simultaneously leaning in his direction until your elbows brushed the tabletop, “He’ll be back soon. You can hang tight ‘till then, if you want.”

Okay, that was a lie, and a pretty big one as well, considering that your boss had left on business two cycles ago and wouldn’t return for three more. It’s just that something was telling you not to let this one walk away so easily. To see the crowd consume him once again and be devoid of alluring conversation for the rest of the night was an unbearable consequence to dwell on.

He wasn’t the first Mandalorian you had the fortune of seeing in person. Their kind was few, practically archaic, and prone to isolation, but Taris was a hub for anyone interested in mercenary work. It was along the Hydian Way as well, previously passing through what scholars referred to as the Mandalorian Road.

You motioned for him to sit with a quick nod of your head and watched the stranger, this Mandalorian, exhibit an apprehensive indication before settling down on the stool directly in front of you. His helmet, though decisively tinted, left room for some expressiveness. Even though you couldn’t perceive any facial articulation, his body language spoke for itself.

Somebody further down the line flagged you down for a drink, and so you shifted into mixology mode, grabbing bottles off the wall. The man’s presence was certainly assertive. It was also strangely serene, as the two of you sank into a comfortable silence over the next twenty minutes.

His stoicism was kind of intriguing you, though. That whole crowd wasn’t really known for their talkative nature. Still, you were growing more intent on picking his brain. A lull in drink orders prompted you to retrieve two short glasses and plunk them down between the two of you.

“Are you sure I can’t get you something to drink?”

“Thank you, but I’m fine,” he said, and you could sense he was looking at you. If you didn’t know better, you would say he was meeting your eyes.

“Is it uh, because of the…?,” you brought a finger up to trace the outline of your own jaw in an allusion to the helmet which remained on; this was according to religious protocol, you had heard.

“Mostly, yes.”

You nodded slowly, pouring a shot in each glass anyways.

“Guess I’ll pick up your slack,” you respond curtly, proceeding to throw back both of them.

You could’ve sworn you heard a low hint of laughter from under his breath.

______________

“I just now realized that you never told me your name.”

The roar of the late night crowd had all but died out, leaving wide open space at a nearby table. You had happily hurdled the bar as you’ve done a thousand times before, tossing a rag to KO-6D as you went. Hours had passed, and you suspected the moons to set soon enough. If he realized something was suspect, he hadn’t let on, instead choosing to trade stories for a while.

“Most people just end up calling me Mando,” he answered. He seemed relieved to see the labor droid power down fully, and reclined a little further back in his chair.

Your acquaintance, now Mando, had taken the seat opposite you once again. You drew your knees close to your chest, forever unable to sit in a chair correctly.

“Alright, short for Mandalorian. That’s what you are, but not who you are though, y’know?”

“Should I cut you off?” The tone was playful, and you matched his sarcasm with an airy giggle that trailed off with the surety that he was staring at you again.

Silence hung like a star in the sky for 10 palpable seconds before you blurted out,

“I might’ve uh...underestimated Jigo’s penchant to turn an errand into a business trip. I’m sorry if I wasted your time.”

Now you were stressing a little bit. Was he gonna be pissed? Even worse, would he leave?

Unable to cope with the uncertainty, you get up to go hop onto the bar, perched with your legs dangling off the edge in a sort of retreat.

“Yeah, I gathered that about an hour ago,” Mando said, mostly unfazed. He tilted his head inquisitively, as if he wanted you to finish a thought.

“Did I waste your time, though?” The second you say it, you want to groan at how stupid it sounds.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be, trust me.”

There was a pronounced softness to that statement, and it brought heat rising to the surface of your cheeks. You were looking very hard at the floor, but you heard a distant shifting from his chair as he went to stand before you, leaving just enough room so that you could get down if you wanted to, but you were close enough to see your own reflection in the helmet.

The courage to look back at him accrued slowly but surely, and you reached for his gloved hand first, as a test.

He allowed you to take it, but did little else.

“I don’t usually…” he trailed off a bit shakily, a surprising display of shyness from someone who spoke with such conviction. You noticed at this proximity that his shoulders, pauldrons or no, were broad as hell. You nodded faintly, finding an explanation needless. Your thumb ghosted over the material covering his palm, and you attempted to tug him closer by the arm.

“C’mere,” is what you could muster, and it worked well enough judging by the way he shifted to settle his arms at your waist. You were drawn in from the get go, but steeled yourself enough to reach for the surface of his chest plating first, letting your hands skim the expanse before landing tentatively on his shoulders.

Effects of the firewater still burned faintly within your chest, swirling around in a vortex of confusion and anticipation and more strikingly, want.

Paying attention to where the beskar plating met twiny, thick fabric, you grasped tighter as if to soothe the tension from his neck. Body heat was radiating from the juncture between his neck and shoulder and you felt the strongest urge to bury your face into it.

Just when you expected it the least, he hooked both of his hands underneath your knees, pulling you closer with ease until he was properly stood between your legs.

You had a bit of a height advantage, situated on the chilly slab of synrock. Thankfully, you’d cleared it off earlier, but broken glass wouldn’t have stopped either of you.

You were caught in a light gasp, suddenly at a much closer proximity. Both of his hands settled steadily on your clothed outer thighs. Clearly, you would be thrilled to be rid of every layer, to feel how rough his palms were from the strain of combat as they dug into your bare skin. It was increasingly apparent, though, that this type of intimacy was already pushing his boundaries. Try as he might to inhibit it, you could detect a tremor in his breaths that you couldn’t resist trying to soothe.

You leaned back briefly in order to shrug the patched bomber jacket off of your shoulders and land on the floor, neglected. All that remained was your black sleeveless top, which was already beginning to ride up on your torso, prompting goosebumps to form.

You were mindful of the blaster at his hip, as well as the blades sheathed along his thigh, but knew better than to think they posed a danger. Nobody had a bounty out on you, surely. Your boss took good care of his charges, provided protection. If you were being tracked, Jigo would be the first to know.

Slowly, you wind your arms around the Mandalorian’s neck until your forehead meets the front of his helmet with a gentle thud. Eyes lidded, you spent a moment just like that, imagining what exactly the galaxy was playing at by bringing this masked bounty hunter to your cantina.

You felt his hands hover at your waist for a beat before one came to grip your inner thigh, and you decided then that this slow burn was no good for your nerves.

“Does a girl have to beg for it?” You ask at a half-whisper, fingers skimming the contours of the helmet.

It seemed like this one was full of surprises. In an instant, he was lifting you and making short work of your pants, which you suspect ended up on the floor as well. Left feeling significantly underdressed and equally aroused, you could do nothing but hold on tight as the hand that wasn’t holding you steady brushed your inner thighs, inching ever closer to where you needed it most.

It didn’t even bother you that his gloves remained on, and you arched into his palm, muttering obscenities while he palmed you over your underclothes.

“Only if you want to,” he retorted, more than a little breathless himself. You made an instinctive reach for the sizable tent below his belt, feeling a jolt of satisfaction when he dropped his head onto your shoulder with a low groan.

You sure as hell didn’t see it happen, but Mando yanked the glove off his right hand and proceeded to continue teasing you.

Whimpering in realization, you understood that he wanted to feel for himself whether you were soaked through your panties.

The answer was yes.

Every part of you was screaming for him, eager to come apart under his hands as he busied himself parting the fabric to give you even better friction. One finger slipped in easily, and two had you keening within his grasp. He was enveloping you, and you felt yourself going mad with it, especially when you inhaled to draw in his scent.

It became apparent that this wasn’t his first rodeo, so to speak. He was crooking his fingers so precisely, kneading the heel of his wrist into your most sensitive area, avoiding any direct contact that would make you flinch or shy away. Within minutes, you were nearing your climax at breakneck speed.

“Go ahead,” he urged, voice alight with the anticipation of witnessing your peak. His hips had been canting against you with his own need, seemingly not of his own accord, and the prospect of getting him over the edge as well made a whimper bubble to the surface of your chest while you spasmed fiercely on his fingers.

All the Imperial troops in the galaxy couldn’t stop you from dropping to your knees after that. One moment, you were mouthing his clothed length, and the next, he was gripping the edge of the table and moaning words of encouragement, even as he came.

It boggled your mind to think that a brief, frankly juvenile sexual encounter could feel meaningful, dare you say...intimate? Living on the lawless side of the systems had its perks, but trustworthy confidants were in short supply; and people that you’d allow in your bed, even shorter.

The two of you spent a good while catching your breath. You threw the bounty hunter a hand towel, exchanging quips like you’d known each other for years. That fondness, the heart-wrenching ease with which he ran his fingers through your hair- that was worth something.

When you parted ways, you were leaning gingerly against the doorway, having had the pleasure of flustering your Mandalorian all over again after standing on your tiptoes to press a kiss to the beskar where his cheek would be.

As you watched him take his leave under the heavy shadow of Taris’ moons, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were being sentenced to a great deal of waiting. For what, you didn’t yet understand.

There were worse things than that.

#reader insert #writing in second person gave me a headache but like maybe it was that I was shitfaced as well #the mandalorian #this reader has a 🐱and uses she/her pronouns IG #cantina shenanigans #COUNTLESS hours on wookiepedia that I will never get back #but it's canon bongs exist in Star Wars #table sex #thank u if u read it #dyn jarren #baby yoda #Star Wars fanfic

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waukrife · 3 years

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@tvpeongsstuff also asked:

well....depends on where he goes?

It’s interesting to think about what he would do in the past, whether he would change anything, and if he did, would he keep his cards close or tell the council everything (I lean towards the former), would he make sure they avoided the fight on Naboo or would he kill the Sith and survive. Would he knight Obi-Wan and train Anakin himself (yes because he’s stubborn and doesn’t realise Obi-Wan deserves better)? What knock on effects would this have, up to and including Obi-Wan keeping his head down and being a perfect (-ly miserable) Jedi Knight, Dooku potentially staying with the Jedi, etc? However, in terms of scenario, I got a bit stuck on the future rather than the past, and also rambled about how Tim-Travel Is Real and Here’s How in maybe too much incoherent detail.

Not to ramble about Jedi theology on main or anything, but I think that the Force exists beyond time, as in the Force is everywhere, and the Force yesterday is the same as today and tomorrow. It’s how Jedi have visions of the future, because that future already exists within the Force. So, when a Jedi ‘becomes one with the force’, constructs like time don’t exist. Neither do objectives like ‘this universe’ or ‘the universe where Anakin did save Padmé’ or even less prophetic twists like ‘the universe where Obi-Wan DID take the deathsticks’.

In my headcanon, Force Ghosts absolutely could figure this out and manifest in the past. They don’t do this because they are boring and small-minded. Jedi these days...I guess when you’re working for the Republic there’s no time to sit down and ask why Jedi can see the future but not reach in and change it, or why some Jedi can teleport but not time-travel? It’s all just space and the force, isn’t it? So say the last time Qui-Gon hit a bong and decided to study the living force enough to become a ghost when he died, he got MORE esoteric with the meditations and figured out Force Ghost time-travel too.

All this to say, when he dies and pops back as a ghost, his first thought is probably hmmm better check on Anakin. His next thought is probably oh shit, and Obi-Wan, my student of 12 years. I also think it’s quite easy to get lulled into just merging into the Force or getting lost, rather than concentrating enough to go somewhere, let alone chose where you end up. Maybe for a laugh he’d accidentally get stuck in some artefact in the temple for a bit, like...just him and some echo of a long-dead darksider chilling in the force attached to a cursed robe in the depths of temple storage or something. Or maybe he’d accidentally tune into a couple of people’s force dyad space-time calls ("Can you see my surroundings?""You're gonna pay for what you did!" oh dear, wrong number) before actually going anywhere deliberately or getting stuck somewhere.

In canon, Qui-Gon is too boring and traditional to actually risk doing anything more than occasionally whispering vague encouragement into a couple of Jedi’s ears. So I don’t think he’d choose to actually explore time, or change the past. But that sucks and also so does studying really hard for your entire life and then in death maintaining the concentration to exist visibly using the force only to then look like a glitchy blue hologram. So, I think it would be cool for him to accidentally focus too hard and and accidentally properly re-embody himself somewhere in the gffa. Qui-Gon’s characterisation, as most Star Wars characters, is made very difficult by the breadth of material available, and the relative lack of actual screentime in the canon films, but he seems to be both a traditionalist, and also a bit of a renegade. Like, libertarian uncle energy. So it would be very interesting to see him confronted with the changes that overtook the Jedi in the near future, rather than the past.

I think it would be most fun if he could accidentally get stuck in the clone wars.

A clone scuba unit on some random planet in the middle of nowhere, doing underwater recon suddenly fish out some guy claiming to be a Jedi, look, I have a lightsaber- wow ok the blade is invisible, it didn't used to do that, oh wait yeah I'm actually made purely from the force and so are my clothes and accessories, don’t make me lose concentration or I might turn back into a blue ghost or just vanish or explode or something. Or more likely, he wouldn’t say anything, even when he figures out he’s not going to vanish any time soon and actually he doesn't need to concentrate that hard to keep the body, he can just use the force very powerfully to explode some droids- wait, why are there droids now? He'd probably just say some vague jedi catchphrases until someone comms their Captain who comms their Commander who comms the General who comes to check it out, who goes white and very bravely doesn’t pass out, who comms the Council who verify, this is dead Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn only somehow alive, and decide that “actually we can’t recall General Kenobi from undercover, and the 92nd just lost their general....” and put this possible ghost-creature that just emerged from the depths like the world’s lankiest space-shark (if sharks wore dripping beige robes and had kind of eldritch force powers even if they were reluctant to use them or speak in a way that made sense to people who don’t read Jedi philosophy treatises for fun).

The 92nd aren’t really in the thick of it, anyway. They need the Jedi manpower and they need to keep Jinn out of trouble until they figure out whatever the hell the madman’s done this time. Hey, at least he’s not Pong Krell or some shiny knight who’s never been anywhere without their master, let alone had a command of an entire battalion. There’s no way this could go wrong.

#thank u for asking this scenario will be living rent free for the forseeable #sorry again for rambling this is insane #the potential....#scroll to like...the last 2 paragraphs if u want the actual scenario rather than #me going on about the force and qui-gon for....too long #is it not enough to like time-travel fix-its and be incredibly sexy #which is surprisingly a tag I already had...interesting #wait a minute I have to check for this on ao3...it has to be out there somewhere #ask game #tvpeongsstuff #star wars

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theliterateape · 5 years

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The Cinema of 2019: A Literate Ape End-of-Year Review

By Don Hall and Brett Dworski

Editor’s Note:

With projects like Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Watchmen, The Mandalorian, and pretty much everything produced for the CW, we are smack dab in the epicenter of the Age of Fan Fiction. The films of 2019 have some nods to this trend with Joker, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and Yesterday playing hard and loose with expanding the existing iconography to tell new stories.

We enjoyed a lot of movies in 2019. While not a banner year like 1968 or 1999, the year certainly had its standouts. Here is our end of the year list of the films that impacted us the most compiled by Don Hall and Brett Dworski, both film fans and people with acceptable vision and hearing.

NOTE: These are not ranked because generally, we believe the practice of ranking films is fucking stupid. However, we do rate them from 1 to 5 Apes. Enjoy.

Apollo 11

4 Apes (DH)

There really was a time when America was great. Sure, there was still segregation and violence, the war overseas, the draft, and the host of problems faced by the country but the men and women who took up Kennedy’s challenge to get a human being on the surface of the moon elevated us all. Apollo 11 is a documentary using entirely archival footage of this historic moment when mankind exceeded itself.

Honey Boy

1 Ape (BD)

The anticipated debut of writer Shia LaBeouf is choppy and disappointing. Newcomer Noah Jupe plays child actor Otis—based on LaBeouf—whose drunken father disrupts his recent success. The film’s inconsistencies stem across the plot, casting and performances. The father, played by LaBeouf, flops between abusive asshole and tender daddy by the minute; neither is compelling. Lucas Hedges, who plays Otis as a drug-abusing teenager, looks nothing like LaBeouf or Jupe. And once things get interesting, Otis forgives his pop and tells him he’s “going to make a movie about him.” Very original, Shia. The fact that Honey Boy is based on LaBeouf’s life is intriguing, but the film is ultimately a huge letdown.

Midsommar

4 Apes (DH)

Ari Astor gives us a twisted break up story wrapped in the bloody flowered crown of a horror film set in blinding sunlight. I loved Hereditary for a million reasons. I loved Midsommar for five: Florence Pugh, the bizarre mating ritual, the fucked up mushroom visuals, old people willingly plunging to their deaths, and a dude being stuffed into the skin of a recently slaughtered bear and burned alive.

Dolemite Is My Name

3 Apes (BD)

Eddie Murphy rewinds the clock to his Raw and Delirious days in this biopic of Rudy Ray Moore, a comedian and musician behind the Blaxploitation movement of the 1970s. While wildly erratic at times, it’s also an affectionate and sobering look at the hustle of show business. It took years for Murphy to ditch his affable family-man routine, but it was worth the wait: Dolemite Is My Name cements the raunchy, cocksure comic as one of the greatest talents of all time.

Yesterday

3 Apes (DH)

I wrote about this here. Loved it.

The Lighthouse

3 Apes (BD)

Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe are exhilarating in this delirious indie thriller. They play 19th century lighthouse keepers who struggle to maintain their sanity upon learning they’re stuck on an island off the coast of New England. The stunning black and white landscapes of Nova Scotia are overshadowed by Dafoe’s and Pattinson’s constant bickering, farting, masturbating, and binge drinking. The Lighthouse is bizarre, hilarious, terrifying, peculiar… and quite good. You’ll never view seagulls the same way after watching it.

Endgame

5 Apes (DH)

The culmination of nearly two dozen interconnected films all stemming from my Gen X childhood? I’ve been waiting since I read my first Avengers comic when I was ten years old for this and it did not disappoint. Packed with incredibly satisfying moments (Professor Hulk, Cap gets the Hammer, “...on your left...,” and “I... am... Iron Man”) this was the most fun three hours I could imagine that didn’t involve cheese or sex.

The Art of Self Defense

4 Apes (BD)

This deadpan and absurdist comedy highlights toxic masculinity through a ruthless karate class. Jessie Eisenberg plays Casey, a lonely, frightened accountant who enlists in the course after a mugging leaves him hospitalized. Led by a vain and puzzling instructor, the class soon absorbs Casey’s life and brainwashes him to commit barbaric acts beyond self-protection. Although clearly a blend of Fight Club and The Karate Kid, The Art of Self Defense carries an unusual rhythm that separates it from its predecessors—and displays a refreshing kind of filmmaking from newcomer Riley Streams.

Joker

4 Apes (DH)

The politics that suddenly surrounded this were nothing more than distraction. Was it a response to the humorless Woke culture? An Incel Fantasy? Who gives a fuck. It was a film that did something a lot of movies lately refuse to do—it surprised us. It also included an amazing, painful performance by Joaquin Phoenix and, like Logan before it, used the pop culture iconography of the comic book tropes and deepened them in ways that only a bold approach could.

High Life

4 Apes (BD)

Visually-stunning cinematography and a harrowing storyline carry High Life, one of the most daunting films of the year. Set in a futuristic world where death-row inmates are sent to conduct eerie experiments in outer space, High Life is as morbid as it is alluring. The movie—which was made in 2018 but not released in theaters until 2019—resembles a space version of The Shining with its isolation-leads-to-madness concept. While too edgy for some, High Life is one of the most uniquely made films in years.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

5 Apes (DH)

Tarantino’s homage to revisionist history, the plight of growing old and becoming replaceable, 1960s Hollywood, and chock full of snappy dialogue, incredible performances, and both a sense of celebration and melancholy makes this one of the best movies about movies ever made.

John Wick Chapter 3

5 Apes (DH)

With next year’s Keanu-mas when they release both John Wick 4 and the Matrix 4 movies on the same day (yes, I will participate fully) the franchise that spawned the newfound love for all things Reeves is absolutely worth noting. Full of that comic book/video game world-building, odd but sensible rituals and oaths and rules plus plenty of head-shot, bloody violence, I sat in a Las Vegas theater with a crowd and we all gasped, laughed, and applauded at the absolute action-porn that is John Wick. Yes, these films are pornography of comic book violence and Reeves is our big-dicked John Holmes.

The Painted Bird

5 Apes (BD)

Those seeking a feel good shan’t see The Painted Bird, a bloodcurdling Holocaust drama seen through the eyes of a child. Petr Kotlár gives a robust performance as a nameless boy fighting to survive the violent societal breakdown in Eastern Europe. In doing so, he experiences one nightmare after another—each worse than the former—and loses hope in human kindness along the way. The beautifully shot black-and-white landscapes are a mirage for the routine abuse the boy encounters, leaving audiences as numb to it as he is by the film’s end.

The Irishman

4 Apes (DH)

Scorsese caps a triptych of films over decades with this much slower but no less magnificent look into the Italian Mafia from the inside/out. Goodfellas is an Irish kid’s ascent and is an explosive young man’s movie. Casino is a Jewish man’s climb up in the Mob and, while still explosive, is a bit more subdued and a decidedly middle-aged man’s film. The Irishman is an old man’s view, looking back, reliving awful and magnificent moments.

Together, the three films mark a masterwork in a genius director’s canon.

Ad Astra

5 Apes (BD)

Ad Astra takes a different approach than most solar-system journeys by exploring the man behind the suit. Brad Pitt is Roy McBride, an accomplished astronaut whose dedication to space has damaged his marriage. When called upon for secret mission to Neptune, the stoic McBride finds he’s more than a government robot, and his ascent to madness results in one of Pitt’s finest performances. Supported by a wonderfully played asshole in Tommy Lee Jones, Ad Astra is as much a family drama as it is a space adventure.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

5 Apes (DH)

Sure, there were unanswered questions leftover and I really didn’t care for that kiss at the end but I loved this film from start to finish. Completing a story as massive and, in many ways, disconnected, was a tall order and I think Abrams and team did about as good a job as anyone could expect. This will be in rotation at least a couple more times in the next few weeks.

Marriage Story

5 Apes (BD)

Oscar-worthy performances from Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson drive Marriage Story, a clever, poignant narrative about divorce. Noah Baumbach’s behind-the-scenes view of the crippling situation separates it from movies alike, exploring factors beyond courtroom troubles and custody battles. Marriage Story empathetically—and even comically—shows both sides of the fight, and its effect will last far beyond the screen. Get your box of tissues ready.

Alita: Battle Angel

3 Apes (DH)

Not a Manga-Boy so the inconsistencies with the story and characters didn’t bother me. I thought this was the closest to watching a dramatic video game with some cool performances and great use of camera and technology. It was also the film I saw first as a resident of Las Vegas so that counts for something at least to me.

Parasite

5 Apes (BD)

Superbly written, shot and performed, Bong Joon-ho’s account of class discrimination in Korea is an electrifying and emotional masterpiece. What begins as a lighthearted story of two families—one rich, one destitute—spirals into shocking sequences of deception. It has every element of an instant classic: witty comedy, sexual tension, thrilling violence, social themes and a stunning finale that mirrors the horrors of reality. Calling it the best movie of 2019 isn’t enough: Parasite is one of the top films of the decade and transcends the arc of modern cinema.

#Movies of 2019 #Honey Boy #High Life #Parasite #Ad Astra #Once Upon a Time in Hollywood #Yesterday #Marriage Story #Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker #The Irishman #The Painted Bird #John Wick Chapter 3 — Parabellum #Joker #The Art of Self Defense #The Lighthouse #Dolemite Is My Name #Midsommar

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Monster Madness: Vote for Your Favorite Monsters

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Every season is monster season in our hearts. But this March is a particularly good time to celebrate our enormous, scaly, and/or hairy friends. In the film world, the long-awaited Godzilla v. Kong arrives on March 31. Meanwhile on television, the final season of behemoth anime Attack on Titan is in the midst of its final season right now. Given that many of us are already primed for bracketology in March, we decided to create a bracket of our 32 favorite monsters for you, the monster-lover, to vote on.

In honor of Godzilla, Kong, and Attack on Titan’s many titans, we’re electing only to include kaiju-style monsters on this bracket. All of these monsters must A. be their own distinct individual (not a species like “cave trolls” or “aliens”) and B. be able to knock down a building (or at least cause catastrophic structural damage). That’s why you won’t see any Universal-style monsters (Frankenstein, Dracula, et. al) on our list.

If you’re unfamiliar with how a bracket works, never fear – each round we will present monster matchups one-by-one for you to vote on via our Twitter and within this post. The rules here are simple: peruse our list of 16 matchups and vote for your favorite monster. And whether “favorite” means “which monster would win in a fight” or “which monster I like the most” is up to you.

You can vote over at Den of Geek‘s Twitter or within this post.

Whichever monster receives the most votes will advance to the next round to face another victorious monster. This will lead to five total rounds with round 1 featuring 32 monsters, round 2 having 16, round 3 having 8, round 4 having 4, and round 5 having 2. The full voting schedule will be as follows:

Round 1 (32 monsters) – Voting Opens March 15 (Closes March 16 at 12 p.m. ET)

Round 2 (16 monsters) – Voting Opens March 18 (Closes March 19 at 12 p.m. ET)

Round 3 (8 monsters) – Voting Opens March 22 (Closes March 23 at 12 p.m. ET)

Round 4 (4 monsters) – Voting Opens March 25 (Closes March 26 at 12 p.m. ET)

Round 5 (2 monsters) – Voting Opens March 29 (Closes March 30 at 12 p.m. ET)

Results – March 31

With the monster rules and arena set, let’s get into the round 1 matchups!

Godzilla Region

1. Godzilla vs. 8. The Blob

You know that saying “if you come at the king, you best not miss?” Well in this monster bracket, Godzilla is the king. The big lizard is the iconic kaiju, having appeared in over 30 films and countless other bits of media. Who dares challenge his monster supremacy? The Blob. The Blob is…well, a blob. Best of luck!

2. King Ghidorah vs. 7. Destoroyah

Though Godzilla may be the king of monsters, only one kaiju is bold enough to include “King” in its name. That would be King Ghidorah. This three-headed beast first appeared in the fittingly named 1964 film King Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster. He’s appeared in multiple eras of Godzilla films as an enemy to Godzilla and Mothra. Opposing Ghidorah is Destoroyah, an unholy combination of crab, insect, and bat.

3. Biollante vs. 6. Colossal Titan (Attack on Titan)

Kaiju movies are happy to turn just about anything into a terrifying monster. Case in point is the plant monster Biollante. Despite its rosy origins, Biollante is a fearsome foe to all. Meanwhile the Colossal Titan can knock down just about any wall put in front of it. He’s not the most dangerous titan in Attack on Titan, but he’s unquestionably the most iconic.

4. Yongary vs. 5. Quetzalcoatl (Q: The Winged Serpent)

Yongary looks quite a bit like Godzilla and that’s by design. The monster was introduced in 1967’s Yongary, Monster from the Deep to rival the success of the iconic monster. Suffice it to say, Yongary did not reach Godzilla heights, but he’s still pretty cool. Its opponent Quetzalcoalt comes from the 1982 film Q: The Winged Serpent. In some ways, Quetzalcoatl is the American answer to Godzilla, drawing from Aztec myth to create a winged beast.

King Kong Region

1. King Kong vs. 8. El Blanco (Tremors)

Only one monster can challenge Godzilla’s claim to the monster throne. And that’s the MONKE. First appearing in the 1933 film bearing his name, King Kong pre-dates Godzilla by 20 years. He comes from a simpler time where monsters could exist naturally and not as a byproduct from man’s vile nuclear experiments. King Kong rules. Trying to take the gorilla down is El Blanco, a notable graboid from the Tremors film series.

2. Mechagodzilla vs. 7. Hedorah

What could possibly take a big nuclear lizard down? The answer is so simple it’s been staring us in the face all along: a ROBOT lizard. Mechagodzilla was first depicted as an alien in the 1974 film Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla. Since then he’s frequently turned up as a mechanical creation from mankind to keep Godzilla in check. And he does a decent enough job to be considered Godzilla’s archenemy. In this matchup, Mechagodzilla is opposed by Hedorah – who is just a big ol’ pile of toxic sludge.

3. Anguirus vs. 6. The Mind Flayer (Stranger Things)

Anguirus holds the honor of being the first monster to go toe-to-toe with Godzilla in battle. It didn’t go well for the massive Ankylosaurus but that didn’t keep him from becoming a mainstay in the Toho Godzilla movies. Meanwhile, Stranger Things isn’t hurting for notable monsters, with the Demogorgon being the most well-known. It’s only season 4’s The Mind Flayer, however, who has the strength and size to compete in this tournament.

4. Kraken (Clash of the Titans) vs. 5. Clover (Cloverfield)

The Kraken has had quite an impressive pop culture run. Who could forget Davy Jones crying “release the kraken!” in Pirates of the Caribbean? The Clash of the Titans version of this monster (both in the 1981 film and its 2010 remake) is undoubtedly the most fearsome. Opposing the Kraken in this competitive 4-5 matchup is the unnamed monster (oft nicknamed “Clover”) from the 2008 found footage movie Cloverfield. Viewers don’t catch many glimpses of Clover but when they do it’s clear he’s among the biggest and most dangerous monsters in the film canon.

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Mothra Region

1. Mothra vs. 8. King Caesar

Mothra is undoubtedly the most famous monster to come out of Toho’s kaiju films aside from Godzilla himself. As her name implies, Mothra is an enormous flying insect inspired by the “imagos” of silkworms. While many of the monsters in this bracket are destructive and villainous by default, Mothra is actually pretty chill and at times darn near heroic. Furred weirdo King Caesar draws the unenviable task of taking Mothra down.

2. Slattern (Pacific Rim) vs. 7. Pateesa (Star Wars)

Aside from the sprawling Godzilla franchise, Guillermo del Toro’s Pacific Rim provides the most potential monster candidates for this list. Given that they’re all confined to one film, however (and make no mistake: there is only one Pacific Rim movie), we’ve opted to choose the most powerful PR kaiju to represent them all. That honor goes to Slattern, the biggest and baddest subterranean monster our heroes encounter. In the other corner is the Rancor (named Pateesa) from Star Wars – Return of the Jedi. Pateesa can be pretty fearsome…as long as there are no gate doors above him.

3. Cthulhu vs. 6. Monster X

H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu is one of the most terrifying monsters in all of literature. In fact, Cthulhu’s appearance is said to be incomprehensible and enough to drive men mad. Well, movies and television have had little issue depicting the Great Old One, with him frequently appearing as a squid monster in everything from 2020’s Underwater to a series of South Park episodes. Lovecraft’s version of Cthulhu would probably be unbeatable, but the film and TV version of him is a fair match. It’s up to Monster X, a skeletal kaiju from 2004’s Godzilla: Final Wars, to take Cthulhu down.

4. Smaug (The Hobbit) vs. 5. Gwoemul (The Host)

Most of the monsters in this tournament fall a bit short of human intelligence. That is not the case for The Hobbit’s massive dragon Smaug. Smaug is a clever fire drake and possibly the last great dragon in Middle-Earth. He can cause some real destruction, if he can be bothered to leave his treasures unguarded. Meanwhile, Gwoemul is the creature from Bong Joon-ho’s 2006 The Host. It’s also quite smarter than any fish monster has a right to be.

Rodan Region

1. Rodan vs. 8. Demon (Night of the Demon)

When it comes to Monster Madness battles, the ability to fly is never a bad thing. And that’s partially what makes Toho all-star Rodan so effective. Rodan is one of the Godzilla studio’s “big five” alongside Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah, and Mechagodzilla. That place of honor is well-earned for the irradiated Pteranodon. Rodan has the strength and the skill to go far in this tourney. The eight-seed that will try to stop him is the demon from 1957 British horror film Night of the Demon. Like the Cloverfield monster, this demon is little-scene but still quite powerful.

2. Gamera vs. 7. Zigra

If you want a sleeper monster on this bracket, look no further than Gamera. This giant prehistoric turtle is a mainstay in kaiju movies and is often known as “The Friend of All Children” or “The Guardian of the Universe.” Alongside Mothra, he is one of the very few monsters willing to stick up for the little guy. His competition, Zigra, on the other hand is a total dirtbag. Gamera and Zigra’s matchups go way back to the 1971 film Gamera vs. Zigra. Gamera handled Zigra quite easily then. Can the loveable terrapin succeed again?

3. Megalon vs. 6. Gyaos

Megalon is a mainstay of monster comics who has also enjoyed a couple of film appearances. He’s yet another insectoid-style kaiju but he also brings some awesome drill arms to the table. Opposing Megalon this round will be Gyaos. Gyaos is a bat-like kaiju who first got a shot at monster-stardom in 1967’s Gamera vs. Gyaos. He was treated quite shabbily in that but perhaps he has a shot against this new opponent.

4. Gigan vs. 5. Reptilicus

This bracket already had some alien cyborg representation with Mechagodzilla but you know what they say “you can never have enough alien cyborgs.” Thankfully, Gigan is around. This red-eyed, be-chromed monster first appeared in the 1972 film Godzilla vs. Gigan. He’s since popped up in several more movies to give Godzilla a hard time. The monster that hopes to take Gigan down is Reptilicus, a sea serpent, who hails from a 1961 Danish-American movie bearing his name.

The post Monster Madness: Vote for Your Favorite Monsters appeared first on Den of Geek.

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