#but just bear with me I'll get it right ^^

[fairestbeard]

Carmy's darkest secret

CONTENT WARNING !!!!!

Distressing opinions, egregious cornplating, predictive- serious potential spoilers if true.

TRIGGER WARNING: Substance ab*se, Suic*de, Mental illness.

I'll just come right out and say it.

I think Carmy might be an addict.

And I don't mean addict like a workaholic or perfection addict like we've been saying here.

I think Carmy might be an actual addict.

In fact, more specifically, I think Carmy might be a heroin addict.

"Woah! WTF, are you crazy?"

Hopefully. Hopefully I am..

I've never wanted to be more wrong in my life. And I want this meta to be so clown worthy, to be actual comedy in retrospect because it gets me properly laughed at for how wrong it is.

But walk with me here...

An unreliable narrator?

I've discussed previously in this meta my opinion of how the story of The Bear is being told from Carmy's perspective and his subjective mind, and so, the visuals and general ambience including how we perceive the characters are at least partially controlled by him. One thing that convinces me of this is how the show literally starts inside his head (the bridge dream) which sets the tone for the rest of the show.

An unreliable narrator can be defined as any narrator who misleads readers, either deliberately or unwittingly. Many are unreliable through circumstances, character flaws or psychological difficulties. In some cases, a narrator withholds key information from readers, or they may deliberately lie or misdirect.

Source: jerichowriters.com

Carmy could very well fall under the mentally impaired unreliable narrator but I think he is possibly just a dishonest narrator. Because he seems to be purposefully evading vital truths (lying by omission and substitution).

Another character in media that fits this dishonest narrator description is Fleabag of season 1. Up until the end we were with her, we sympathized and empathized with her. We cried and laughed with her. We fully understood her anger at Beau for doing what she did (won't spoil the plot for those who haven't watched it). And even at the end you still are with her. She manages to get you to see yourself in her and it's all in the power of how she tells her story.

Carmen, the drunk

I had too much to drink

I didn't think, I didn't think of you

Half A World Away - R.E.M ("The Bear")

One interesting assumption about carmy is that he is completely sober, a teetotaler, in fact. I've seen people make jokes about how he would be so light brained that he'll get drunk on nothing. Because we've never seen him drink. We've seen his confusion and anger discovering that Mickey had a drug problem he didn't know about. We see how much he despises Donna and the trauma she brought them through her drunkenness. So it's very fitting that we assume he wouldn't drink or use substances at all because that is the logical response.

But what if Carmy was actually drunk for at least all of season 1?

An unreliable narrator, especially in the 3rd person narrative, will leave clues. The pilot starts by showing us an idea of what Carmy was dealing with; unpaid bills, unreliable vendors, an outdated system and an untrusting and disrespectful staff. In between those flashes we see shots of half drunk bottles. Now those bottles could have been there for any number of reasons. Maybe it was left there by Michael. Maybe it was cooking wine. Except in the coming episodes you realize that they didn't really have anything on the menu they cooked with red wine and the bottles kept changing in content so they were obviously active bottles.

There's another spot the difference magic trick happening in these shots. Can you see it? Hint: our mother of victory.

The shots are saying something.

"Hands" was the first full on attempt to call our attention without telling us that Carmy had a problem. I said in a recent post that you had to pay attention to the shots used in the show as ask yourself "why that shot?" everytime.

The episode starts out with shots of full bottles on the table when he's interacting with Syd. We also see the bottles full after he sends Richie and Syd of to the store and he's talking to Sugar about joining Al-Anon which he seems resistant to. However, by the time Richie gets back, finds Mickey's letter and tries to deliver it to Carmy, a whole 1½ bottles of the wine is gone. This is in one afternoon, in the space of at most 2-3 hrs. No casual drinker could ever drink that much alcohol in that space of time. We are dealing with an alcoholic.

We also see that he has lapses in memory (a classic symptom of alcoholism) at the end of the episode when he discovers that the cigarettes that caused the day's mishap was actually left by him, which made him seriously consider joining Al-Anon.

Sleep walking:

Sleep walking can be triggered by alcohol (I've experienced this first hand). He says to Nat that it happens to him from time to time and she immediately brings up Al-Anon, telling him he can ask for help.

Withdrawals

Carmy shakes a lot. He's fidgety and can't stay still most times. Knowing his history and current state of mind we blame his neurotic nature. What we don't consider is that Carmy sometimes is having the shakes- a sign of withdrawal. The first time they show this is in "Dogs" at Cicero's party. We see shake off the shakes while making the hotdogs and having a laugh with Richie and Cicero.

We also see this happen in "Ceres" in the flashback with Michael making Braciole. If I had to guess, this is why Michael cut him off from the restaurant. Imagine two addicts working together? He probably felt Carmy going out in the world and finding inspiration would make him opt for a better and maybe get clean.

Some other scenes with Carmy showing signs of withdrawal:

- In the meeting with Cicero in "The Beef" his hands are clenched almost the whole time to curtail the shakes.

- Tomorrow in his Ever scene with Luca you can see his hand shaking as he raises his voice to Luca before chef Terry intervenes.

- When Chef Fields says "Are you shaking? Are you nervous?" to Carmy. Carmy isn't nervous, he in withdrawal.

- In "Omelette" ...and this one broke my heart...

The table scene with Syd.

It's not the side effects of the cocaine

I'm thinking that it must be love

Station to Station (David Bowie)

Mood swings and erratic behavior

One thing we've all come to get used to is Carmy's volatile disposition. He has the tendency to erupt or spiral dramatically at anytime showing us how extreme it can get in episodes like Review and The Bear. Behavior like this can be exacerbated by alcoholism.

For Carmy, it's a recurring pattern in season 1, he's irritable and shitty during the day but gets nicer and friendlier after he's had a bottle and half later in the day. We see this pattern play out in Hands, Brigade and even Ceres in his interaction with Syd.

Neglecting responsibilities

Anyone who's watched Carmy would call him the hardest working chef. He's fast and always seems busy, but there has been many instances of him abandoning his responsibilities in S1 and S2. That whole bit about "dialing business" while Syd is everything else was just a bullshit way for Carmy to hole himself up in the office and get drunk and not have to also worry about the day to day. Not that he conciously intends for it to be that way, but because his head is messed up, it ends up that way. He does this in season 1 with the excuse of Al-Anon and he does same in season 2 with the excuse of Claire. He tells Sydney to care about everything more than anything because he doesn't trust himself to care enough.

Self isolation

We heard him describe to the Al-Anon crowd how he self isolates. We attribute this to him reacting to the heartbreak from Mickey's treatment of him, but should we believe him? Because self isolation is also another symptom of alcoholism. He found a station for himself were he could exist in a kind of bubble and the more people he cut out of his the quieter his life got. One thing with self isolation is that it gives you less people you care about to make you feel guilty about your substance abuse. You get to do without the extra work having to hide and constantly lie to people.

Carmy's family history of alcoholism:

We see this hinted with the Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism, the family disease". This is a hereditary mental illness that has been passed down the Berzatto family.

In Fishes, apart from Donna being drunk and Stephen commenting that everyone had drunk too much, we briefly see an old woman passed out on the couch, shown between shots of red wine, that is never acknowledged. This suggests a family where being passed out drunk is a normal sight or maybe for that particular person. I'm thinking by the age of them, it's probably their Nonna. I remember Nat subtly informing us in Ice Chips that Donna's mum was worse than Donna.

Fairest creatures :

We always associated this with the poem, so interpreted it as his secret desire for kids. But maybe they really are referencing the wine house in California (I think it was @gingergofastboatsmojito that highlighted this wine house), as an indication of his wine drinking habit. It could also hold both meanings since The Bear does a lot of killing many birds with a stone.

Timeline of Carmy's present day substance abuse:

– Wakes up from a drunken slumber where he dreams of the bear at the bridge

– Tries and repeatedly fails to keep his drinking in check all of season 1. Culminates in the Review debacle.

– Attempts to quit again (I think) in "Pasta" by filling his time and trying to find fun. Getting closer to Syd. Meets and rejects Claire.

– His disposition seemed to have started changing in "Sundae" he's showing cracks in his mood. Looks like he's going through the motions cooking at the apartment. Tries to bump up the fun by doing a taste tour but abandons it when Claire calls him because in reality he was abandoning the idea that he could do it clean. So his sobriety probably lasts only about a week.

– In the beginning of Honeydew you can see him falling apart already. He looks like very stressed out and unable to concentrate. He's obviously been disappearing because he doesn't seem to be up to date on what's happening at the restaurant.

– By "Pop" he is fully hanging out with the party crowd. We see that he's been disappearing for a while now.

(On a side note: I wonder if the sign that says Ziggy on the calendar in Bolognese is referencing Ziggy Stardust, as in The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust.)

– Is in full withdrawal by friends and family. Probably contemplating giving sobriety "his full focus". Another version of Review happens again as he loses control mid service.

Tomorrow:

The opening sequence of tomorrow was very interesting. He walks into the dark restaurant, death stares two glasses of wine and an ashtray of cigarettes. Clears and vigorously cleans the table, then kicks the bar cart in disgust. This is a dramatic summation of how he felt about alcohol, this thing that has upended his life. We also see him start his R&D process by dumping a bottle of red wine in a pot, repurposing his addiction. In a normal setting the alcoholic would dump all the alcohol in the sink to start the sobering process. He also tries to reorganize his life in an effort to cope with it.

We see him mentally go through his journey as a chef and his journey as an addict with markers made with the music alone. There are moments of flow, moments of drama and moments of crises. Each time the dissonant section of the music plays, I think, represents either a crisis that leads him back to another cycle of addiction, or his addiction coming to a head.

We see him stoop and look at four spots before the episode comes to a close. The spots are never shown. But if I had to guess, I'd say those spots were: the fridge, the locker room, the bar cart and the clock.

S3 is about getting it out of his system:

I think Carmy is yet again trying to beat his addictions. I think this is the first time we are actually witnessing him rawdog his depression in real time without his substance clutch and that is why he is so insufferable. Season 3 is Carmy in long-term withdrawal and detoxification and it's not an easy process. It's hard and it's ugly. The dramatic marker (substitute storyline) for this point in his life is his quitting cigarettes. The cigarettes, as well as representing itself, also represents his other addictions and so at his last count with Syd, Carmy has been sober for 41 days + the following days that count to the Ever funeral.

[artsywriter25]

Oh god this took forever! So yeah, I'm learning how to draw giant anime robots, my new obsession XD.

I knew it was gonna be hard but I really did not prepare myself. Bee was actually the easiest while Elita and OP took a while (I still don't think I got their designs right ). This is sort of like my blueprints for drawing them cuz I do wanna draw more of them. I have so many ideas going on in my head but this is all I have so far.

[54625]

girl help every day I wake up and draw him again

[vaguely-concerned]

having seen at least the rough outlines of all the romances now I have to say that I think emmrich's is probably objectively the best in terms of coherence and completeness of story arc (with the understanding that ultimately the 'best' romance is whichever one makes YOUR heart sing anyway so objectivity is a silly thing to claim that way, it just felt like it's the arc with the most well-paced focused content and the least dangling threads)... but lucanis' is my favourite haha. just. the whole kneeling before your beloved full of reverence but without any of the distance that usually implies??? his complete undramatic certainty and calm in every scene with rook after this, having spent the whole game caught between fear and longing???? mr. lives in a pantry but it says nothing about my psyche don't worry about it it's purely for tactical reasons that I keep myself contained in a small dark room not entirely unlike a cell, love among the parsnips -- finally coming to rook in their room and it's so comfortable and comforting???? after all the times rook supports and comforts him through the game he's finally able to return the same to them when they need it while being so calm and steady and it's so fucking sweet and feels so effortless and with no price attached?????? he basically assigns himself the role of your bodyguard and he WILL stab a god over it??????????????? the turn to protector (which was in his heart all along longing to get out and find a place) of it all????? he sounds like he's found himself unexpectedly stumbling into such a soul-lightening state of revelatory existential relief, full on 'you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves' mary oliver style, and he goes and he shares that with rook and protectively envelops them in it when they're hurting??????????????????????????? hello for the maker's sake hello can anyone hear me?????

[kkpup]

(not, uh, not proof read at all, i mix my words alot but I'll edit this later, sorry)

oh! Hi! So me and @wooleggs were together when I was playing through chapter 4 the first time and I'm fairly fond of our current assessment:

The appearance and content of a dark world is heavily based on its makers perception of that environment. I used Ralsei's explanation of dark worlds- if someone is in, say, their childhood room when it gets dark, they might interpret the outline of a jacket on a chair as some sort of creature like a dog or bear (something familiar and soft) but a different person who has no experience with that same room and doesn't know what to expect might see it as a lumbering monster!

Context is very important for the creation of a dark world and Susie absolutely would NOT have the same (if any!) context/perception of the church that Kris did. Every previous dark world also had significance to Kris, because this is where they grew up (I mean come on, ch 3 is literally their living room)

"Now wait right there Fox!!" You might say, "did we JUST establish the Kris could not have possibly made the church dark world!?". Why yes, yes we did. However, let me present you with this!; Dess = Knight? Hmmmm? From everything we know they were close, grew up together in the same place, and (assuming this theory is correct) are working together with similar if not the same goals in mind. Would they not have incredibly similar context/perceptions of locations they open dark worlds in? And would they not ALSO have the same intention/will in mind when opening said dark worlds???

Idk man, im bad at theories so this probably has 100000 holes in it, but I think I did decent, maybe??

One thing that i havent seen anyone talk about w the new deltarune chapters is when SPOILERRRSSSSS susie creates her dark world in chapter 4 it is in a different color grade from the rest of the dark worlds we've seen... this could be just that since the church had already been dark worlded it was wonky or whatever but i think the implication is closer to a dark world being slightly altered depending on who creates it... right??? So then taking that to be true we also know for certain that kris created the dark world in chapter 3 which is color graded the same as all the other ones weve seen so far. So now its like ohh ok so then did kris create all those other dark worlds? And no because theres no way they could have created the church dark world (AS FAR AS I REMEMBER) so then its like ?? Why do kris and the knight have the same color grading but susies is different..... What does it mean guys sound off below

[elenadoeslife]

🌼

[beef-brisket]

Teddy: Ah, there you two are!

Lucifer smiled up at Teddy: Hey dad. Come sit, dinners on its way.

The man sat down next to Adam after patting his son's shoulder. Adam has been trying to tone down the pda with Teddy whenever Lucifer and Charlie are around, as he's gotten to know Lucifer again, he doesn't want him to be uncomfortable, and if it kept him and Charlie living with Teddy longer? Then that's a bonus. It always made Adam slile when he watched Teddy play with his granddaughter.

So, with a small squeeze of Teddy's high, Adam kept his focus on the tv.

Teddy: Mm, dinner huh? What are we having tonight?

Adam: We've ordered a few things from that burger place in town you like, babe.

Teddy gasped: Gospel Burgers?! My goodness, that certainly is a surprise! Well, I hope they get here soon.

The two men laughed as Teddy nearly bounced off the couch.

Adam: Not long, Bear, they should be on their way, soon.

Teddy kissed Adam's cheek before turning to Lucifer: And, little Charlie? What's on the menu for her?

Lucifer laughed: Milk, dad. And... maybe a chip or two, we'll see.

-

As everyone finished dinner, the boys and Charlie were listening to another one of Teddy's work stories. Lucifer watched as Adam laughed, his hand rested in Teddy's. That's when his phone vibrated again. And again. And again.

Lilith: luci, please. Five minutes is all I'm asking for.

Lilith: I know I have no right to ask for anything, but I need you. I need Charlie.

Lilith: I've been diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. Please, I wasn't thinking then but I am now. Please, just give me another chance. I'll do anything, Luci. You're the love of my life, I want to meet our daughter, get to know her.

The blonde stared down at his phone, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. That's when his phone vibrated again.

Lilith: Five minutes, LuLu. That's all I'm asking for.

Sugar baby!au

This one's a bit different- maybe because I love Adam being a little shit 👀

Lucifer and Adam used to be best friends in high school, but they had a falling out after Adam caught Lucifer and his girlfriend at the time, Lilith, in her bed.

After Adam moved schools, they didn't see each other for ten years. Lucifer went on to do woodworking and eventually made a toy start up. And after Lilith left him, he was forced to move back in with his dad.

Since he moved in, his dad wouldn't stop gushing about some singer he's dating. Lucifer didn't really care, he has his own issues. But when he saw the person his dad was dating, Lucifer was disgusted- and extremely annoyed.

-

Adam: Sup, loser.

Lucifer: What the hell are you doing here?!

Adam smirked: I'm fucking your dad, shit lips!

-

Queue Lucifer's compain to destroy his father's relationship with Adam- who's obviously using him to fun his music career.

Adam's having a great time pissing Lucifer off, but he also hates the fact that he still has a crush on his ex best friend.

I love this so fucking much. I want to do this simply for this line: You want to date my dad? Fine. But he is a good man and deserves to be happy so you're either with him because you love him, or step away.

And Lucifer is only staying with his dad because Lilith got the fucking house lol He's looking for a new one but the market is a MESS.

Maybe Lilith calls Lucifer up and says she's pregnant adding to another layer of it. Because not only is he getting divorced but there's a custody battle in future.

[camellcat]

guh. playing wolfquest again with the new update out. started a new run with nakita and her husband stag, and obviously I clicked "regenerate family snapshot" thinking it would add the new litter alongside the old one bc duh ofc people are going to be having multiple litters with the same mate, won't they?

but no. it didn't. it just REPLACED my old family tree. it REPLACED NAKITA'S FIRST LITTER ????

this was almost cause for another meltdown. thankfully I just went back into an old save and fixed it, but holy hell. everything almost fell apart there for a second

like the new litter and all, but they're test run babies, made to die and move on about. they're not nakita's darling litter that I spent days of my life if trying to keep alive, okay?

[talentforlying]

@demidritch: [54] what’s their instinct in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn situation? — CHARACTER BUILDING QUESTIONS

freeze, big time. can often be comorbid with flight, after the fact, but freeze is the primary reaction and will always strike first and hardest.

the way i see it, constantine's greatest asset is his mind: he's a planner and a schemer before he is anything else, and he has to be able to work with a lot of moving parts and shifting rulebooks in order to survive in an occult world where quite literally anything — including whole mythological pantheons and the stories / systems that fundamentally define their natures and their powers — can be made possible / real if you are adept enough to believe it so. confront him with terror and his brain will automatically confront itself with every possible or potential cause, origin, motive, ability, limitation, escalation, association, affiliation, and outcome that he can connect through all his many decades of study to the source of that terror; as well as every possible or potential solution to the situation at hand and every alternative, backup, and contingency to each of those possible / potential solutions. he locks up.

another contributing factor to the freeze is that in every situation where he is facing down something (or someone) he's afraid of, an ever-shrinking* part of him forever haunted by newcastle and ravenscar will always want to whisper 'is this real?' which of course, when you dissociate and hallucinate as much as constantine, is not so easy to determine unless the thing you fear is actually touching you; which would require one to patiently wait for the thing you fear to come close enough to touch you. hence the freeze.

*— i say "ever-shrinking", though, because as he's gotten older and has had to deal with larger and larger threats and an increasingly cataclysmic scale of consequences, all while often operating on a severely-limited timetable, constantine has become less inclined to care about whether or not the thing he's facing down is real or not: the way his luck runs, the chances are it's probably real.

[reddevilmcnt]

Seeing Harper wearing one of his hoodies just did something for him, and it was a bit of a struggle trying to brush past the satisfying stroke of possessiveness that just ran through him as he swiftly eyed Harper's physique up and down. But then, Harper's face was pressed against his rippling chest, where Harp could probably feel the delighted jumps and thrums of his heartbeat. With that, the big man made a pleasant sound of low-toned laughter, dipping forward when Harper looked up at him again so that their noses could teasingly brush in an eskimo kiss.

He was about to dive in for a real open-mouthed kiss when he heard Harper confessing that he thought he left------------- in the most heartbreakingly soft and sad way. Slade had no reason to lie, though; if he didn't want to wait 'till morning to leave then he'd already be gone. ...But that didn't mean that leaving tomorrow was going to be any easier, truly. Slade could feel the impending darkness sitting heavily behind his rotted ribcage; tomorrow only promised more pain from separation, separation that was going to be a long-standing battle between Slade and his instincts. His heart.

It has to be this way, though.

"Yeah...?" Slade doesn't want to linger on any of the heaviness or the sadness, however. And so he turns away slightly with a handsome little grin on his lips, hands sifting through the pair of medium-sized grocery bags. "Grown men aren't supposed to cook?" He didn't really want to wait until the morning, as hanging around even longer just to make breakfast would've tempted Slade to further prolong his stay. And he just doesn't want to risk looking needier or more fucking ridiculous. This way, he looks like a regular dominant in the midst of providing aftercare------------ not some overly infatuated fool waiting around for extra affection.

"I was thinking about beef and veggie bowls, but I can switch out the beef for tofu if you prefer vegetarian." And, if it looks like there's too much food and other meal selections leftover for Harper to have later, Slade's not going to mention it. He was used to this. Though many members within his circle weren't necessarily blood, they were still family in every other way that mattered, and none of them would've hesitated around at having to purchase groceries for someone else in need. Slade didn't know about Harper's situation specifically, but he was still able to pick up on unsaid things due to his experience.

"You're all bruised up, right? So you need to eat your protein so that you can heal properly," he commented over his shoulder with a small, mischievous grin, and went about locating the right cooking utensils----------- which took a moment as he wasn't entirely familiar with everything in Harper's kitchen.

But I could've been, a horrid voice whispers at the back of his mind, one that he has to shake off in order to remain in the moment, not falling into the desperation and despair of what could've been. They were not relationship material; beyond that, they were not each other's. No matter what the corrupted, toxic hunger inside of Slade kept demanding of him. He had his vices... but he wasn't going to let desire control all that he was. Not fully. And with a shake of his head to clear his thoughts, he starts up the rice in the smaller cooker, then grabs peppers and zucchini for slicing and chopping.

"I'll be quick so that we can both get to bed. I know how much you miss cuddling up to me," glances up once from the knife, eyes sparkling provocatively. "Not to worry. I'll agree to be your teddy bear tonight, babe."

All of Harper's put-ons, his masks, were there for one singular reason. Despite pretending to be confident, like he didn't care about anything, he did. He cared more than most and he wasn't any good at dealing with the overwhelming emotions that flooded his senses. He was unable to distance himself from his emotions, instead reacting to them immediately and without thought. It was like his body would act on its own, making the worst possible decisions again and again. It was hard to learn to make better choices when he couldn't even explain half the choices that he made.

Hearing Slade call him baby did something to help keep Harper calm. The unfortunate truth about being with Harper was that it would never be a normal, healthy relationship. Instead, it was an exhausting dance of keeping all of Harper's neurotic anxieties in check. Was it fair that Harper forced the people around him to keep him sane? Of course not. But then Harper had never cared too much about being fair.

The difference in their age only made it more obvious just how immature and childish Harper could be. He was lucky Slade would even talk to him after some of the tantrums he threw. Harper would say it was only because of the sex, but deep down he knew there was more than that. That was the worst part of it all. Clearly, Slade felt something deeper for him, but he didn't know how deep that river ran or how close he was before he exhausted all of his patience and lost Slade for good.

As they moved through the apartment, Harper god himself dried off and dressed in a pair of pajama pants and an oversized hoodie that may or may not have originally been sourced from Slade. Harper couldn't even remember who it originally belonged to, but it was comforting the way it swallowed him up and kept him warm. He even had the hood up, keeping himself warm in an apartment that often got far too frigid for Harper's liking. Sure, he could turn on the heat, but the large open spaces often meant the whole place ended up on the colder side.

He was thankful that Slade had given him some work to do and watched the man plod out of the room. It didn't take long for him to strip the bed down, throwing all the dirty sheets into his laundry hamper. He was able to pull out new sheets and covers, putting the bed together until it looked nice. Exhausted from that much movement, Harper collapsed on the bed, letting out a loud sigh.

So tired from the night's activities, Harper decided to close his eyes and wait for Slade's return. His eyes slid shut as he waited, dozing off for what he thought was only a moment or two. Waking with a start, Harper looked around the still empty room. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but it had felt like no time at all. He was oblivious to the fact that it had been about twenty minutes since he first sat down. That was why when he got up and walked out to the main area of his apartment, he expected Slade to still be rummaging through his kitchen, or whatever that man was doing. But instead, there was silence.

Harper looked around, his mind revving up as he realized Slade was gone. It was like ice water being dumped all over him. God, he was stupid. Of course, Slade left. Abandoned. Isola--

His spiral was cut off almost as fast as it had begun. Walking through the door, grocery bag in hand, was Slade. He looked so casual and confident, smiling at Harper like this was all so normal. The oversized sleeves of his hoodie were hiding the way his nails were digging into his palms. It hadn't been long enough for him to start crying, though given a few minutes he would have been. He kept his eyes locked on Slade watching as the other came closer. His voice was so calm, so free of worry.

Giving a small nod, Harper leaned forward into the other's touch. He pressed his face against the other's chest before his head was lifted and he looked up into Slade's eyes. "I fell asleep. I didn't mean to, but I dozed off and then you were gone. I thought you left. I thought you lied." His relief was palpable as he kept himself pressed against Slade. He was all wrapped up in his emotions and it would take a bit of effort before he was willing to let go.

It never occurred to him that Slade would go out shopping or want to cook for him. Food wasn't even on his mind in this moment. This final burst of emotions had managed to wear Harper out just as much as Slade. He was too exhausted to think and instead just wanted to be told what to do. So without even deciding it, Harper began looking to Slade for any kind of instruction. "Are you going to cook?" He said it like it was an impossible option. Why would Slade bother with that?

[shallowseeker]

A few more details about Deanna:

(6) I think Deanna is good at detecting lies.

She downplayed Dean's concerns, but it's possible that she was sensing CORRECTLY that something was off in his explanations.

I think that Samuel and Mary tend to get taken advantage of because they're so deeply emotional behind those gruff exteriors. Deanna is (usually) the one to step in and protect them from that tendency!

But this brings in a tragic layer of complexity to this whole thing. If Deanna is great at pinging a liar, then she trusts her gut. A LOT. This mistake must be particularly devastating for her (as it is for Dean about Chuck in season 14-15).

She made the wrong call by... being RIGHT that Dean was hiding things from them:

...

DEANNA MENTALLY: Ohhh, he's a LIAR liar, and he raised his voice at me. I'm just gonna... put this bowl down and get my knife now. Then I'm going to kick him out of the house.

///

But when Dean talks the Colt, their alarmed expressions turn to pity. Deanna has the air of, "Oh this poor crazy boy is a fruitier fruitcake than the fruit salad I was just chopping up. Whew! I was scared for a second! He's just grieving the loss of his family is all."

They humor Dean... and send him on his way.

Deanna breathed a sigh of relief... and wrote Dean off completely.

//

So when Samuel and Mary head off to check on Liddy Walsh, Deanna 1000% thinks it's just a wellness check, that's there's going to be nothing there.

She doesn't even go.

She stays home.

DEANNA MENTALLY: Ugh, Samuel is getting on my nerves tonight. Think I'll stay home, take a long hot bath, and watch my show. If I have to bear witness to one more dumb fight between them, I'm going to scream.

She says goodbye and sends them off on the hunt that will essentially kill them all.

//

Once they get there, Samuel and Mary have to act too immediately to the unfolding situation to clue her in. (After all, it's NOT like they can text Deanna to give her a heads-up.)

In the aftermath of the dust-up, Samuel is compromised, and Mary's so shook up that she runs into John's arms for comfort. From Deanna's POV, she's probably surprised to see Dean, Samuel, and Mary come through that door a short while later.

///

Which brings me to

(7) Deanna probably wouldn't have been able to shoot Samuel with the Colt

Here, Deanna creeps closer...

And it's no accident that Azazel's taunt to Dean flashes over at the same time as Deanna. Deanna too wants to save everyone.

But she probably feels like it's her fault that everyone she loves is in danger in the first place. She didn't believe in Dean or the demon or the Colt. Now, she looks with DREAD upon the Colt.

Because if she picks it up, then she has to aim it at Samuel.

Her dread is holding her back. I'm not sure that had she gotten she gun she would've been able to do it. I really think somehow... that she wouldn't have been able to.

:(

It's not until Azazel MURDERS Samuel... that Deanna gets serious.

Azazel has situational awareness. He likely knew Deanna was there all along, and being inside Samuel... he knows how deep their bond goes.

So, Azazel has a little fun.

He winks at Dean, because he knows Deanna is back there.

And Azazel knows killing Samuel will debilitate Deanna and disorient her long enough to prevent her from getting the gun...

...so Azazel can GET her.

His kill signature is as ever playful and theatrical as it is sadistic.

(Watch this, Deanna.)

When Azazel guts Samuel and does the slide slash, that's fatal.

Deanna knows it.

Even though this would have been the perfect moment to grab the gun and shoot him, in her despair, she gives herself away. Her knees go weak as she sinks a little against the door frame, and she screams.

If Samuel's job was to protect Mary, then Deanna's role was to protect Samuel.

And Deanna knows her time with Samuel is now over. She's failed.

She may not be watching him burn on the ceiling, but she is absolutely united in horror with the likes of pilot-John and Sam, who both watched Mary and Jess get gutted in a similar manner to this.

She just watched her husband die.

But, as Crowley says... takes a helluva long time to bleed out from the gut. That's on purpose, because like with Mary, Azazel wants to play with Samuel. He wants Samuel to watch.

He's killing him nice and slow, with added psychological torture for zest and flavor.

//

When Deanna locks eyes with her husband's killer, that's what spurs her into action. She leaps for the gun.

Samuel's already dead.

She WILL shoot him now. She can end his suffering.

Azazel strikes. Deanna screams. She is thrown past the gun she didn't believe in, and past the journal of that goody-two-shoes she poked fun at.

Despite all that, and still reeling from the death of her husband, she gets up.

Dean still needs her.

Mary still needs her.

But she realizes what's about to happen. Samuel's going to see his own hands killing her. She's not gonna let that happen.

She scowls, musters up all her strength.

It's not enough.

///

Azazel kills Deanna the same way he kills young John. It's less the signature of his playtime and more the signature of his cold, brutal efficiency.

Azazel broke Deanna neck high; her eyes are open. She died knowing the truth about the hunting world and being trained to fight, but it wasn't enough to protect her or her family.

Though John's neck is broken, his eyes are closed, because was the one well and truly left defenseless in this whole situation.

After Azazel kills Deanna, he doesn’t even bother picking up the Colt.

He could have gone for Dean, but he’s not threatened. He enjoys the danger. Torturing Samuel and locking in the deal with Mary is too satisfying to pass up.

///

So. after Samuel watches his own hands kill Deanna, he watches himself murder the very civilian he was always worried about—John.

And finally, he becomes the instrument that traps Mary, sealing the deal with a kiss.

Azazel doesn’t just kill Samuel; he erases a father’s ability to protect his daughter, both literally and symbolically. It’s a twisted mockery of everything Samuel stands for: family, free will, and protecting others from evil.

Samuel represents the old guard of hunters, and Azazel takes pleasure in erasing that legacy and mocking their need to protect one another.

He offers to bring back John, because he has no reason to be afraid of little ole John, and he's fairly sure that this trauma will keep Mary's lips sealed as she runs from hunting forever. (He's right. Mary was already in runaway mode, and now that's going to be absolutely turbo-charged.)

But when Mary hopefully asks, "My parents, too?"

No.

Samuel and Deanna Campbell, after all, would be a significant threat to Azazel. He's definitely leaving them off the board.

Hi Shal <3

I'm not super knowledgable about the Campbells but Deanna has been on my mind for the past couple of days. The fact that Dean is named after her does something to me in my chest uk. He's named after his grandma, there's something soooo tender and tragic about it 😭😭😭. He never got to know his grandma that well (he at least saw samuel in s6 a bit...tho he kinda saw him at his worst but uk meh...it still counts).

So, I was wondering if you have any thoughts on canon Deanna? (Do we have enough scenes with her or must we make do with headcanon? If so, I wanna know your hc too!).

Love 💕

I loved entertaining this thought so much that I turned this into multiple posts. Thank you for sending it!

Overall, I get a few key impressions from SPNprime Deanna:

(1) Deanna's the "fun" one to Samuel's "killjoy" worrier personality.

Outwardly, she's fun-loving, friendly, and loves to make merry with eat and drink. (We see her with beer, inviting Dean to dinner, making alcohol jokes, etc.) She's at least outwardly a foil to Samuel's crabbiness. But though she puts a gentle hand on Dean and plays nice in the beginning, she's also very VERY ready to kill him for being a potential threat later. She goes from friendly to ready to kill Dean, while Samuel goes from gruff to ready to throw in everything to help Dean.

Remember how Samuel liked Cas? I think Deanna would be the one in the family who would seriously want to kill Cas at first. I think she considers herself the ruthless one who does what needs to be done; she makes the hard decisions like sending Dean away and discounting what he's saying.

//

(2) In the Samuel-and-Mary rebellion dynamic, Deanna's the peacemaker.

She watches them poke and pick at each other, realizing that they fight because they're alike. She is the one who is always keep an ear out for a fight and checking in on them to puts a stop to their sniping:

//

(3) Deanna lightens the mood, cracks jokes, and assures everyone that things will be fine.

Between them, she's the one who cracks a lighthearted joke while downplaying the danger and stress of the hunting life.

(See what I did there with the spirits and the mixxing?) She pokes fun at John's goody-two-shoes nature... and gets away with it.

Because in Mary's eyes, her mom can do no wrong.

When it comes to family decisions, Deanna is the one who has the final say. She is BOSS. She's the head of the table.

She may not go on every hunt, but she is the one who "LETS" them put themselves in danger. She's the commander, the marshal.

We see this in action when Dean is talking about Azazel. Samuel listens attentively, but he is checking in with and CONSTANTLY looking to Deanna. (He looks pleadingly to her about 7 times during this particular exchange.)

In this case, she unfortunately downplays the danger. She doesn't even go on the Walsh hunt. I get the impression that her mode of survival is to DENY and RATIONALIZE danger.

And I really hate that for her. She very likely winds up thinking it's her fault, that she make the wrong call, that she should've gone with them, etc.

//

(4) Mary idolizes Deanna. Deanna is boss, hero, and head of table. (Actually, they have a very balanced, healthy round table, when you get down to it.)

But my point is, Deanna occupied an idolization space that is culturally more reserved for hero-fathers. That's why Dean got named after Deanna. Because Deanna was "dad" in so many ways. (Yes, she cooks, which could be viewed as stereotype, but Samuel gets shackled with a lot of the actual cultural "caretaking" duties, both in SPNprime and SPNwin.)

When Mary is scared, she looks to Deanna first.

Like here, when Dean mentions John might be in danger, Mary's eyes snap to Deanna. (Samuel is like this too ofc.)

Furthermore, Mary doesn't seem to get mad at Deanna in quite the same way as she does Samuel. In 4x03, we hilariously see Deanna poke fun at John's nonexistent hunting skills, while Samuel catches most of the flack for it.

The truth is, Deanna probably has a lot of qualities that Mary wishes she herself had. Even as late as season 14, we see a Mary is worried that she comes off "cold and mean," because what she WANTS to be is more like Deanna: fun-loving and good with people and badass while also being a GOOD cook.

I would imagine that Deanna naturally makes friends quite easily, and Mary probably idolized her mother's extensive hunting network... unlike dad, who doesn't wanna work with other hunters and isn't popular.

I can see Mary spending hours trying to live up to Deanna's sword/knife skills, even thought she's technically more of a natural with a gun.

Dean idolized John for much of his life, and I think Mary idolized Deanna and longed to be more like her.

When Dean says this weird thing about Deanna's name with that goofy face, Mary doesn't even blink. She's all smiles and nodding.

Like YUP THAT'S DEANNA AND OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE FLOORED BY HER PRESENCE BECAUSE SHE IS THE BEST AND THE COOLEST

...unlike my dad, who is a Mean Loser who wants to "control" me.

//

(5) Deanna is not the primary caretaker

When things are balanced, she's there. But I don't think she gravitates towards taking care of kids. While food is a love language for Deanna, we see that she doesn't exactly gravitate towards the lion's share of the child-rearing.

Samuel seems to take on the caretaking duties moreso, both in SPNprime with Mary and in SPNwin when it came to taking care of Mary, Maggie, Lata, Carlos.

Which is why Deanna is the hero, and Samuel is... not. He's taking on the "mean mom" cultural stereotype.

///

As for SPNwin, @angelsdean had some wicked awesome headcanons while it was running about Deanna's speculative relationship with the Akrida Queen plot. (I think it would've been a Deanna plot if the series had gotten a full season.)

After all, Mary realizing how imperfect Deanna is has the bones of a delicious crisis.

///

Despite Mary lip servicing that Samuel is a big meanie, we see that Mary and Deanna are actually SO FOND of him. Even when he's making this huge show of growling at strangers and making his gruff quips, they're rolling their eyes and smiling.

Mary even smiles genuinely the dumb cheerleader joke he makes on the case. Because of this, it reads like an in-joke.

Like, "Dad, you know I'm the jock in that scenario. I want John to be waving the pom-poms."

///

Anyway, at dinner, when Dean gives it right back to Samuel, everyone smiles.

Dean fits in really well with their family because his prickliness is something they appreciate and like.

(Deanna hides her smile by stuffing her face. OMG I LOVE HER.)

///

EDIT BONUS:

Dean picks up on the "dogpile on Samuel" energy. Look at this SENIOR joke he cracks. (Jack Kline would be proud.)

Then Dean throws Samuel under the bus, and it's so funny. Given how this woman's sons refers to them as "Bible thumpers," I think it's safe to say that this woman hates religion, and she's passive-aggressively making it known.

LOL.

It's painfully obvious that Samuel doesn't love talking to people, especially emotional people. Which is valid, because he's got a SERIOUS case of foot-in-mouth disease. But anyway, that's probably why he begged Mary to come along in the first place.

A grieving widow... BY MYSELF? PLEASE. SOMEONE ANYONE

DEAN NO

DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE HERE

[skynecraft]

[dreaminganthea]

"I can't say I'm nearly as attached to the ocean as he is, and most especially after sailing a couple months to get here, but it certainly brings a type of homesickness. I'm from a small, seaside hamlet."

"Your friend, Mr. Brewster, is rather brave. I have bathed in the ocean a few times, but the tide pulled me a fair way out during one venture. It was to my great fortune I remembered to swim diagonally towards the shore, or I wouldn't be here right now. A character in a story I read had done so, and I confirmed it with one of the sailors I encountered before that last excursion".

Here, Anthea gave Benjamin a look of sympathy. "I can't imagine dwelling within a ship for months, rocking on those waves with no real way of knowing for certain if you'll ever see the safety of the shore. I have heard people take on temporary sickness and various illnesses on such voyages, as well as bear witness to storms rivaling the Titans. I am overjoyed you survived the trip and came to us". Her lips quirked in a soft smile.

"Do you sing, or perhaps play an instrument? Though as accomplished as you are, I imagine it's both."

Anthea's smile broadened, though she did look away briefly, indicating a slight case of bashfulness. "I do indeed do both, Mr. Tallmadge. Music is time and emotion. It is breath and soul. It is movement and expression. I thrive within it, as it does within me. I enjoy singing, as well as playing the pianoforte. I've played the piano since I was a young girl, but the clarinet is my specialty. As soon as I saw one, I had to have it and learn it inside and out".

As she went on, her posture straightened up to her full height, shoulders back and chin rising with pride and passion. "On occasion, I even compose my own music. I'm afraid I'm not as skilled as Bach or Mozart, but I do it for my own amusement. You may hear me hum, sing, or play a tune at any hour of the day or night, where permitted".

"So long as it's not an imposition, I'll be glad to both dilly and dally," he quipped. Nodding to Anthea, he added, "And thank you. I believe this is my first true extension of acquaintance in town."

Anthea giggled and her voice dropped to just above a whisper, lest her maid hear as she came to meet them. "Oh, I assure you I plan to dilly in excess, but Esther will be keeping the dallying from becoming a dalliance". Anthea couldn't help herself. Her eyes sparkled with mischief as she jested, glancing at him with lashes fluttering, trying to both tease him and gauge his reaction. It was best he know what to expect from her, before accepting the position. She could be a bit of a flirt, despite not taking on any suitors for a long period of time now.

As Esther joined them about six feet back, Anthea gestured with a sweep of her arm for Ben to come with her through a door leading into another room. This room was smaller and contained the family's pianoforte, a few cozy chairs and small tables, a plethora of paintings and decor, as well as a set of double doors that opened straight out into the garden.

The garden was spacious, but had a few cobbled areas encircled by groups of flowering plants to form small gathering areas, where one could sit at a table with companions and chat. It also had a miniature pond containing fish, and several well-kept hedge trees lining the edges of the garden, as if to contain it. The morning sun had risen high enough to dwarf the trees' shadows cast across the grass and the many cobblestone pathways that wove throughout the immediate grounds.

Anthea stepped out onto the main pathway, taking a deep breath and relishing in the fresh air and sunlight. She may not always be fond of leaving her home to face groups of people, but she did enjoy the peace of being outdoors. Her gaze fell on Ben and she flashed him a warm smile. "As my guest, I'll let you decide. Shall we venture further out, or stick to the garden for now? I have no preference, but I have enough energy to do anything you wish".

She'd had a filling breakfast and the excitement of her new friendship buzzed through her chest in a rush. "If we do venture out, perhaps I can acquaint you with our neighbors, the Watsons. They're lovely people, and they care for rules and etiquette about as much as I do". Which was to say, only enough to be respectful of others, without being nitpicky.

Benjamin offered a sheepish chuckle. "Yes, I wouldn't imagine he would... Not that I can blame him, of course. Brewster -- my friend -- first set sail when he was nine-and-ten, and he's been part-sea ever since." Benjamin shrugged. "I can't say I'm nearly as attached to the ocean as he is, and most especially after sailing a couple months to get here, but it certainly brings a type of homesickness. I'm from a small, seaside hamlet."

Your best self...

He nearly flinched at Anthea's suggestion. She was right, of course -- why wouldn't she be? -- but a part of Benjamin still wished to self-flagellate, so he wasn't keen on dismissing his efforts to protect his little brother. As the eldest, that was his job. And he'd failed.

Mercifully, the household servant came in to serve tea, thus severing the topic of discussion. Benjamin smiled and offered a nod as unspoken thanks, though he did not partake in any of the treats on the coffee table. Interviews made him far too anxious. At this point, however, he was at the very least starting to grow more confident in his position.

After the servant took his leave, Benjamin and Anthea remained in amiable silence, until she allowed, "I'm looking forward to the poem you decide best represents me. I should like to do the same for you, but with a song. Music speaks to me even more so than words".

"A song?" Benjamin asked. He brightened, recalling how many nights had been made a bit less dreary, if only due to the boisterous carousing of soldiers around the campfire. "Do you sing, or perhaps play an instrument? Though as accomplished as you are, I imagine it's both."

Anthea, somehow, seemed immovable on her prior stance. "I do prefer to form my own opinions, but I should think only the closest of friends tease in that way, as one's chosen siblings often do. I find it endearing, and see it as further proof I am right in my currently formed impression of you, Mr. Tallmadge."

Benjamin's smile grew warmer. "They practically are my family, so I can't deny that," he affirmed. "For better or for worse, for that matter."

To his surprise, Anthea rose, losing a touch of her formality as she offered, "I don't know about you, but at present I think I'm in need of a good stretch and a turn about the grounds. If you have the time, and so wish it, I would be delighted if you would accompany me".

"Oh..." Following her example, Benjamin rose and kept his hat tucked over his heart, a sheepish smile alighting his face. "Your grounds are lovely, so I wouldn't mind taking a turn around, or two. So long as you don't tire of my company, of course."

Following her gaze toward the hall, he watched as an older woman -- or Esther, as Anthea had addressed her -- stepped into the archway and nodded to them both.

Benjamin's stance relaxed. "So long as it's not an imposition, I'll be glad to both dilly and dally," he quipped. Nodding to Anthea, he added, "And thank you. I believe this is my first true extension of acquaintance in town."

[light-wrath-paradise]

When I start having a panic attack about visiting my family I know it's time to go to sleep immediately no ifs no buts

[cuntwrap--supreme]

So close to being finished with my post office training! I just have to do my driver's test next Thursday and I'm officially an assistant rural carrier! Which is step one in becoming a full time employee and receiving those sweet, sweet government job bennies. But also, it's a lot of sorting and shit, and tism go brrrrrrrr with that.

[lyknest]

.