#but like october-november is such a mess i cant handle it

[jtbb]

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[ventingoutmyass]

2.15.18

Most people understand what it means to miss who a person used to be rather than who they currently are. I, personally, have not really experienced this until this last year.

I want to tell you about this person first. She was a glowing star in my life. She was handed a terrible life and a neglectful family. She was ten years old when we first met. She hasn't been really affected by her environment yet. She still had her childhood innocence, she wanted to have fun and make friends and play games.

She was eleven when she became my best friend. We shared a sixth grade classroom and lots of friends came and went. We struggled through the hardships of middle school together, but there was always a lot more going on at home for both of us. My parents were getting divorced and my life was falling from under me, while her family put more pressure on her and began to crush her into a little ball in the corner, flinching at any sudden movement.

When I moved to a new school district for high school, she convinced her parents to let her come with me. It was a long drive for them and things kept getting worse at home. At one point her mom told her not to bother, because in high school we would find other friends and forget about eachother. It made her really upset and she called me, crying. I told her that the only way that would happen is if we both let it. I told her I wouldnt let it. It was our freshman year that her parents separated and through the mess she lived with me for a while. She slept on couch cushions next to my twin size bed for three weeks before her mom demanded to take her home.

Junior year was the first time we had started to drift apart. I remembered back to that phone call, I started to cry. It was the kind of drifting that even though we saw eachother everyday, the connection we always had was loose. Then, the semester came with the one and only class we ever had together, US history. We sat right next to eachother and our connection strengthened again. I was extremely grateful to have her.

One thing I forgot to mention is that my friend comes from a Muslim household. They had become very americanized over the years, especially after the parents split. The kids werent very in touch with their culture or religion and never prayed. The only real signs I'd seen of their religion til this point is that their mom wore a hijab, and they celebrated Eid. I also knew that every couple years they would visit family in Iraq over the summer.

My friend was a good kid. She was responsible and caring and had so much love to give the world. We wanted to go to medical school and become a pediatrician because she loves kids more than I've seen anyone love anything before.

In January of 2017 she decided that she needed a break. She left to Iraq for seven months. I made a scrapbook for her before she left, to remind her of all the people who love her back at home. If I can find a picture of it I'll post it here as well.

She came back in the beginning of August. She has learned a lot more about her religion and spoke Arabic a lot more. She also decided she wanted to wear her hijab seriously, not just while visiting family.

In mid-August, she met a boy. And to be honest with you, it all goes downhill from there.

In December of 2017 my friend took a pregnacy test. When it came up positive, she decided to go to a GYN office and take a professional test. When that test came out negative, she began taking birth control and went about her life like nothing happened.

In March of 2018, she decided to take another test. It came out positive. She again went to see a doctor. The doctor told her that she was eleven weeks pregnant.

A lot happened in March. A lot of negligence on her part. She decided to embrace the pregnancy, despite being Muslim and un-married. She made a little blue chest she used as a box to hold a pair of baby shoes, she used this as an announcement. I decided to play along for a day and drive her around to everyone she loved most to reveal the big news. She hadnt told her parents for obvious reasons and my mom sat at home, terrified for her.

In late March her boyfriends mom took it upon herself to reveal the news to my friends parents. My friend called me that night, pleading, sobbing. My mom and I jumped in the car and drove as fast as we could to her moms house where they were. For two hours my mom tried to explain the situation and calm them down and figure out ways to handle the situation while I held my friend as she cried. We couldnt take her home that night like we planned, like we wanted to.

My friend never took our advice. My friend never listened to anything that I or my mom had to say. She only listened to people who didnt know the severity of the situation. Because they said what she wanted to hear. She wanted to lead a normal life with her baby and boyfriend and to keep her siblings and distant family as well. Realistically, there was no possible way to have it all. She didnt want to hear that.

I went with her for the consultation. Her parents wanted her to have an abortion. Her dad, in fact, wanted the abortion and then to ship her off to China where she would get sewn back together, like she never lost her virginity. Luckily, my mom talked him out of that option. I told my friend that the only way to keep the baby is to go into hiding. To leave everything behind and go where nobody could find her or the baby, I gave her options. I told her where she could go who could take care of her. Endless numbers of people we knew reached out to help. She refused. She wanted her family too.

It became too much. I wasnt able to focus on my own life. I was spending too much emotional and physical energy and she wasnt listening to anything I had to say, any good advice I had, any option I gave her. She wanted what she wanted and there was nothing else in her eyes. It was every minute of every day that I was thinking and hoping and praying for her. I gave up. I couldnt handle the stress anymore.

She had the abortion against her wishes. Two months later she flew out to Iraq, she wanted to be away from her parents for a couple months.

My friend left in May of 2018. In September, she said she would come back home in October or November.

She hasn't come home. She has no plans of coming home. She hasn't spoken to me since. She texted my mom last month to ask about her taxes, because she worked for my mom for a while, and nothing else.

Life has done nothing but tear her down. I was one of the only good things she had and life forced her away from me.

I miss my best friend. I miss her smile and happiness. I miss hanging out with our friends and going bowling and shopping at stores that we didnt have the money for. I miss her every single day. We would be approaching ten years of friendship this fall. I cant express in words how much I miss her smile. Her smile was the biggest relief off my shoulders growing up. No matter how hard life was and how much she hated herself and how bad she wanted to die some days. Her smile made me feel like she could be okay. Her smile told me that time would one day give her all the smiles and laughs that she deserves, for all the ones she missed growing up.

But life doesnt have happy endings

I still have the little blue chest in the trunk of my car. Along with the baby clothes I had bought for her. I cant bring myself to give them away

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!