#but on the other hand alot of them say and do horrible harmful things ti their fellow human beings and thats fucked up

[greetingsfromuranus]

Nothing beats drawing twitter getting fucking demolished in a mildly erotic manner

(I actually drew the 2nd image first but putting it 2nd makes more sense chronologically)

[buckyodinson]

The First (Agent Whiskey x fem!Reader)

Request from anon: agent whiskey x reader w/ shy (forst tiem) valentine s e x and he lowkey likes it alot alot in the sense that homie is taller than her and she sexually frustrated him by teasing him without her meaning too? coz shes shy?? 🤝😳

Word Count: 5.4k (I don’t know where it all came from!)

 A/N: SMUT! I don’t claim to be a great writer when it comes to smut, so I hope this reads okay?

It was fair to say that you turned some heads at the Statesman agency. You were one of the youngest agents there, but you rose through the ranks quickly and became one of the most highly skilled agents they had. Within just a few months, you were already working with the likes of Tequila and Whiskey. They were both floored the first time you were sent on an assignment with them, and you kicked total ass on the field. It was a complete 180 from your usual demeanour. Usually, you were quite reserved and wouldn’t pipe up during meetings or briefs, and you mostly kept to yourself, but on assignments and recon missions, you were a whole other person. Both men flirted with you constantly, and you would blush and smile in response, too shy to respond to their comments.

Tequila’s infatuation with you was just that, it was a fleeting feeling, and soon he would just compliment you to see you blush, not actually wanting anything from it. Whiskey, however, found himself falling for you. He was a little baffled at first as it was a foreign feeling to him. It had been a long time since he’d truly felt that way about someone before, but it almost gave him whiplash when he realised he was actually falling in love with you.

He was completely enamoured with you. He loved your quiet nature, finding it adorable that you would often be found in your office reading a book if you had no paperwork to be filling out. You could speak your mind if needs be and had done on several occasions. Once, when Ginger was voted against on a promotion, you slammed your first on the table, muttering ‘this system is bullshit’ before storming out of the office. Naturally, you went and found Champ afterwards and apologised profusely for the way you acted, but Whiskey thought it was endearing how much you cared for your friends. Obviously, he found you to be incredibly attractive too, and he’d be lying if he said watching you out on the field didn’t do anything to him.

After a lot of assignments where you were paired or grouped together, Whiskey would go to his room and get off to the thoughts of you beating the shit out of whoever you’d been sent after. He’s a little embarrassed about how often his nights end in that way, but he just can’t help it. And even just around the headquarters too, he couldn’t get enough of you. On the odd occasion, you would come into work in a denim number (which he most definitely appreciated), most days you would be in smart clothes - a nice blouse tucked into either some tailored trousers or a pencil skirt, sometimes a cute dress. And Whiskey could not get enough of it. Hearing your little heels clicking down the hallway was one of his favourite things to hear.

He would never admit to it, but in some of the shared spaces in the headquarters, like the break room, he would purposefully put things on shelves a little bit taller than where you could reach, so he could swoop in and get them for you. You weren’t super short by any means, but they were shelves even he’d have to reach for. You’d always give it your best shot to get them yourself (and he did feel a little pervy enjoying the view sometimes), before ultimately turning around and, by some miracle, Whiskey was always there to help, giving you a wink and a “It’s no problem at all, sugar” type response to your thanks. Sometimes he felt a bit cruel for doing it in the first place, but there was no harm really.

He started laying the flirting on thick sometime just before Christmas, always grabbing you a drink on his way to the office in the morning or offering the buy you lunch or dinner while you were out on missions. Sometimes you’d come into your office to find a single flower laid on your desk, and you’d blush at the thought of Whiskey stopping by a florist that morning and asking for just the one flower.

You had fallen very quickly for Whiskey too. As you started working your way up the ranks of the Statesmen, some people warned you about Whiskey, calling him a womaniser, telling you he brought a new girl home every week and all sorts of similar tales. But when you finally made it to the senior agents’ team and met Whiskey, he was nothing like the rumours. He was a total sweetheart. Sure, he flirted with you a lot, but he certainly didn’t seem like he was taking girls home left, right and centre. You found him to be a very thoughtful man, always grabbing you a drink in the morning, or buying you a little pastry at lunch, reminding you to eat something while you work.

You were shy by nature, and you wished you could put yourself out there a little more and be a bit closer to Whiskey, but you were worried. He was a fair bit older than you, and while he did flirt with you and treat you often, you didn’t want to read too much into it, thinking he wouldn’t be interested in you romantically because you were so much younger. And, to be really honest with yourself, in your time working up to be a Statesman agent so young, you hadn’t really had time for any sexual exploits, so you were severely inexperienced. And because of that, you were a little worried about the rumours about him, worrying he’d think you were too immature for him and move on to the next attractive woman who walked into the distillery who’d gladly fuck him in a heartbeat.

Whiskey was an attractive man, and you would be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about being intimate with him, but having those thoughts would panic you a little because you know how painfully shy you are and how awkward you’d be, and it puts you off the whole thing. You couldn’t help but get a little hot under the collar during missions, seeing him effortlessly use his whip and lasso. You’d definitely thought about whether he’d use them in the bedroom or not, before blushing profusely and getting on with the mission, before excusing yourself as soon as you’d been debriefed, so you could go home and get off to the thought of it.

Whiskey’s flirting and your unintentional teasing had been going on for a while, and you were all at a bar celebrating a mission that ended successfully. People were chatting about their plans for Valentine’s Day in a few weeks, and you offhandedly mentioned you’d never been on a date for Valentines.

Whiskey’s eyebrows shot up, “That can’t be true, doll. You’re telling me nobody has ever taken you out for Valentines?”

You simply shook your head in reply as you took a sip of your drink.

“Well I’m not having that, sugar. How about I take you out, show you how a fine girl like you should be treated on Valentine’s Day?”

You laughed into your drink, “You really don’t have to, Jack. I’m sure I’m not missing out on much.”

“Come on, doll. Let me treat you? I’ll give you the whole Jack Daniels Valentine Experience!” You wondered how intimate a typical Valentines would get for Jack but the way he smiled softly at you made your heart melt, and who can say no to those puppy dog eyes.

“Okay, cowboy.” You rolled your eyes, but your heart was fluttering in your chest.

In that few weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, you would find flowers, chocolates, balloons and sweet little handwritten notes in your office, and you would feel heat crawl up your neck every time you opened your office door and see what awaited you. The day before Valentines, you came into your office to find a box tied with a bow, that had a small note attached to it.

‘Saw this and thought of you, doll. Maybe you could wear it tomorrow? X’

You opened the box to find a beautiful black dress. It was a very classic looking dress, with a white collar and little embroidered flowers along the sleeves and the hem, and it stopped just short of your knees. You were shocked when you saw it, expecting Jack to be the kind of man to buy a sexy, revealing dress for a woman to wear on a date, and it only made you fall for him more. He wasn’t pushing you into anything he knew you’d be uncomfortable with, and he genuinely seemed to know you well. At the bottom of the box, was a note saying that he’d pick you up from your apartment at 7, and to expect ‘the best date of your life’, which frankly wasn’t hard to beat. You’d only been on a few dates as a teenager which all ended horribly, and no matter how badly this date with Jack went, you were sure it’d be miles better than the others.

The day came and you were very nervous. You really liked Whiskey and you wanted to make a good impression. You knew it was silly, as he didn’t think of you that way, he was just doing this for you because he was sweet and wanted you to have a fun night. But you were still nervous and paced the hallway of your apartment once you were ready for the night. You had no idea what to expect from the night, and the butterflies in your stomach were raging, but you were excited at the same time.

At 7 on the dot, you heard your doorbell chime, and you took a deep breath before answering the door. You were met by Jack in a suit with a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates in his hands. Cliché but you loved it anyway. You opened the door further and he stepped in, pulling you into an embrace and kissing you on the cheek. You blushed and giggled at his action and shut the door behind him, leading him to the kitchen so you could find a vase for the flowers before you left.

“You look amazing, Y/N. The dress looks beautiful on you.” He spoke softly, without his usual flirty tone.

“Thank you, Jack. You’ve cleaned up pretty well yourself, though it is a little odd seeing you without your hat.” You smiled up at him as you put the flowers in a vase and placed them on your windowsill.

“Only for you, darlin’. Nobody else is worth taking the Stetson off for,” He winked as he walked back to the front door, “You ready to go?”

You nodded and followed him out the door. You locked up and followed him out of his building to his car, where he opened the passenger door for you, holding your hand as you stepped into the car, before walking round to the driver’s side and climbing in.

“So, where are you taking me, Mr Daniels.” You smirked at him as he started to drive. The name caught him off guard and he blushed a little, getting the tiniest bit turned on by it.

“You’ll just have to wait and see, angel.”

He drove for about 20 minutes, singing softly to some songs that played on the radio, and chatting idly with you, before pulling up to a bookstore. You raised an eyebrow when he parked the car, and he just smiled at you, before jumping out and all but sprinting to your side of the car so he could help you out before you got out by yourself.

He walked you up to the store and when you walked in and he led you to a back corner of the store, it took your breath away. There were a few small tables in the corner, and you assumed they must have a little cafe set up in the daytime, but one table had been set up with candles and rose petals adorning the floor leading up to it. String lights also lit up the small corner, so the area was quite dimly lit.

“Jack… it’s beautiful.” You we’re at a loss for words, really, and couldn’t quite comprehend the gesture.

“I know you’re not the most extroverted girl out there, so I figured you’d enjoy this more than any fancy restaurant full of other couples.” He pulled out a chair and you sat down in it, not missing the fact that he said ‘other couples’, and definitely not missing the way your heart flipped at that comment.

Food was soon brought out to the pair of you, and you were shocked to see it was your favourite dish. You could’ve only mentioned it once before, but Jack clearly stored that away for future reference, and here it was sat in front of you. At one point he excused himself to go to the bathroom, and the waitress came to collect your plates and spoke to you while she tidied the table, “I must say, you’ve got a real catch. He’s been in and out of here the whole week planning this night, making sure it was perfect for you. I’ve never seen such a doting boyfriend before.” You smiled and she left you alone at the table once more. You pondered her comments for a while - why was Jack making such a big effort for a silly little date like this? But you had to push your thoughts back when Jack returned to the table.

“This is all too much, Jack. You really don’t know how much I appreciate this. Thank you.” You spoke once he returned.

“Not at all, darlin’. And it should be me thanking you for letting me take you out.” He reached across the table to take one of your hands in his, and you blushed.

“Don’t be silly, Jack. I’m sure any girl would throw themselves at your feet to be taken out and treated like this.”

“Maybe… but I wouldn’t care about them the way I care about you.” He looked down at his lap, and he seemed genuinely nervous, a word you’d never heard in the same sentence as Jack.

You didn’t know how to reply to his admission, so just simply squeezed his hand, and he leaned forward and took a deep breath, “I really like you Y/N, and I wanted this night to be perfect, because I wanted to prove that I’m not the guy everybody thinks I am. The guy I’m sure people have told you about may have been me a long time ago. But ever since you joined the agency, I’ve been in awe of you. And I honestly can’t believe I’m sat across from you right now. It feels like some kind of dream, doll. It’s fine if you don’t feel the same, because even if you don’t, I’ll have still had this one perfect evening with you.” He spoke so quietly, and despite the fact that the smile on your face grew bigger as he spoke, he still looked terrified of your answer once he’d finished speaking.

“I feel the same, Jack. You’ve been an absolute gentleman to me ever since we met, and I’ve felt the same for a while now too.” You leaned forward and he captured your lips with his own, giving you a chaste kiss before pulling away and resting his forehead on yours.

“I’ve waited so long to do that, angel.” He whispered sweetly and you both sat there like that for what seemed like an hour, smiling to yourselves like a pair of idiots.

“How would you feel about coming back to my place for a movie and a drink?” The invitation worried you a little, but you saw in his eyes he had no other intentions and it calmed you down.

“I think I’d like that.”

He drove you over to his place, and he told you to make yourself comfortable while he grabbed some drinks. You sat down on his sofa and took in the decor of the room. It was minimalist, but you could see little hints of Jack everywhere, a few photos littered the wall, and one particular photo caught your eye. You walked over to it, and saw it was a photo from the gala the Statesmen had at Christmas. You weren’t the biggest person for fancy parties, but you went to it, knowing Jack would be there, and you actually had a great time. The picture in front of you had you, Jack and Champ sat at your usual seats in the briefing room, but all in Santa hats and pulling ridiculous faces.

You smiled at the photo and jumped when Jack came up behind you and laid a hand on your back.

“Hope you don’t think it’s weird that I have that photo up, doll.”

“Not at all, it’s cute.”

He led you back over to the sofa, where he sat and you tucked yourself into his side, your head resting against his chest. He covered you both with a blanket and wrapped his arm around you, resting it on your thigh. Your hand was laid on his stomach and you absentmindedly rubbed your thumb against his shirt as you watched the move Jack put on. Jack was doing the same with the hand on your thigh, and you couldn’t help but focus on how nice the small movement felt, instead of watching the movie. Little did you realise, you were having the same effect on Jack, and he was getting more turned on by the minute. He could see a small tent forming in his pants and prayed to god you wouldn’t notice, not wanting to ruin a sweet moment like this.

But then you tucked yourself closer into his side and stretched your arm out slightly, and it grazed his crotch and he couldn’t quite catch the moan that left his lips at the fleeting touch. You gasped and sat up when you realised what had happened. You looked at him with wide eyes and saw his pupils were blown. The sight made you weak in the knees, but also scared you and when he leaned forward to capture your lips you quickly excused yourself to go to the bathroom.

Jack sat there confused for a minute before following you and knocking softly on the door.

“You okay in there, sugar?”

“…yeah, yeah I’m okay. I’ll… uh... I’ll be out in a sec.”

He decided to go back and wait for you, and after a few minutes you emerged again and sat next to him.

“What’s up, doll?” He lifted your chin to face him.

“It’s nothing, Jack.”

“Come on, you can tell me anything, angel.” His thumb rubbed light circles into your cheek.

“It’s just… I got a bit freaked out. I’ve never… I’m not very expe… I’m a virgin, Jack.” You spoke barely above a whisper, worried about his response.

“It’s okay, doll. I don’t want to rush you into anything. You just gotta be a little more careful where you’re putting your hand, is all, darling. I’m a red-blooded man, after all.” He laughed at himself to ease your anxiety, and you leaned into his hand in your cheek.

“The thing is… I want to. I’m just nervous… I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Nothing you could do would disappoint me, Y/N. Everyone’s nervous their first time. It’s natural.” His words eased you and you felt a sudden burst of courage and you lurched forward to kiss him.

Jack was shocked but instantly melted into the kiss, and he shifted you, so you were sat in his lap before pulling away, breathing heavily, “Are you sure about this, sugar? I can wait, honestly. There’s no rush at all.”

You only answered by pulling him towards you and attaching your lips to his again. He groaned into the kiss and pulled your body closer to his. You sighed and wrapped your legs around his waist as he stood up and walked you to his bedroom. He placed you gently down onto his bed before stepping back and admiring your wide pupils and swollen lips.

“Are you sure about this?” He asked once again and you nodded in reply, “I need to hear you say it, doll.”

“Yes, Jack. I want this.” Your breathless voice turning him on further.

He reached for your hands and pulled you to stand. He kissed you again before stepping and walking behind you, and slowly unzipping your dress, attaching his lips to your neck while he did so. You sighed in response and turned your neck further, giving him better access, which he gladly accepted. Once the zip was completely down, Jack ghosted his hands over the skin of your back until they reached the collar of the dress and he pushed it slowly off of your shoulders and down your arms, leaving goosebumps behind where his fingers traced your skin. Once the dress reached your hips, he let go and it dropped to the floor. His touch remained on your hips for another minute or so while he continued to kiss and nip at your neck, before disappearing completely. You turned around slowly to see he had removed his shirt and was undoing his belt. When he noticed you’d turned around, he looked up at your face and smiled before his gaze dropped to your chest. You immediately became self-conscious and crossed your arms in front of your chest. He quickly took his trousers off and let them drop, stepping out of them and placing his hands on your hips.

“Darlin’, these are nothing to be embarrassed by. You haven’t gotta hide from me.” He pulled you flush against him and you felt the hard outline of his cock through his boxers, and you blushed but slowly reached your hand out to touch his now bare chest.

“That’s my good girl.” He drawled and you sighed as he rubbed small circles into your hips, before suddenly lifting you up and wrapping your legs around his waist. You squealed and he laughed into your skin as he left a mark on your neck.

He moved over to the bed and crawled on before laying you down softly into the sheets. He stayed there for what felt like an eternity just kissing along your jaw and neck before reaching behind you and unclasping your bra and flinging it somewhere across the room. You sighed as he left a trail of kisses down the valley of your breasts and then let out a moan when he latched his mouth onto one of them, palming the other with his hand. You dig your fingers into his hair, scratching his scalp and earning a delicious groan from the back of his throat. While he swaps to give your other breast some attention, his hand slips down to your clothed core. He simply runs a single finger lightly over the material of your underwear, and your hips jerk up in response, along with a soft sigh. One hand is fisted into the sheets underneath you, while the other tugs lightly on Jack’s hair, pulling grunts and sighs from him.

Jack slowly kisses his way further down your body, until he reaches your underwear. You think he’s going to pay some attention there, but he simply gives one kiss over the material, which makes your hips jerk again, before carrying on down one leg. He pays attention to your inner thighs, and his touch against the sensitive skin there has you reeling. As he continues further down your legs, he pulls your underwear along with them. Once they’re off, he crawls back up your body until he’s reached your core again. Your legs open wider involuntarily and Jack groans at the sight.

“You’re beautiful, darlin’,” He speaks lowly before reaching a finger out to press softly into your folds. This action pulls a moan from deep in your throat and the sound sends blood straight down to Jack’s already hard cock, “so wet for me already.”

He pulls his finger back and wraps his lips around it and hums, and the sight makes you weak. He settles between your thighs and licks a stripe straight up from your entrance to your hooded clit, and no dreams you’d ever had about Jack in the past could compare to the way his tongue actually felt against you. You felt the soft touch of his fingers moving through your folds, before his tongue finds your bud and gives it small licks before taking it completely into his mouth and sucking on it. You were seeing stars, and your knuckles were white from how hard you were gripping the sheets. His dexterous tongue explores your folds and he hums, and the vibration shoots up your entire body, making you shiver. You gasp when he sinks a finger inside you, and you swear you stop breathing for a minute. You shoot a hand out to grab his hair, and when you tug on it, Jack let’s out a growl and adds another finger to you depths, stretching them apart within you and you feel a coil tighten deep within you.

“Jack…please… God” you sigh, and a lewd moan escapes your mouth, further spurring Jack on, making him double his efforts. He reaches a hand up to grab at your breasts, pinching one of your nipples, and you come completely undone, body tensing. You bring a hand to your mouth and bite down on it to stop from making too much noise, and you actually draw blood, but you’re in complete ecstasy so you don’t even notice. Jack, meanwhile, is still lapping up everything you have to offer him and once you come out of your high, he stops and slowly makes his way back up your body until he’s hovering over you, smirking. You blush and cover your face when you see his mouth and chin are glistening from your release.

“Doll, there’s no need to be embarrassed. That was amazing.” He grabs your hand and sees the blood on it, furrowing his brows “What happened here?”

“I must have bit down too hard on it.” You admitted, still breathing heavily.

“From now on, I don’t want you hiding the noises you make, sugar. They were like music to my ears.” He leans down to capture your lips once more, and you can taste yourself on his tongue, groaning at the sensation. He pulls away to say “There we go, good girl.” before diving in again.

With one hand in his hair, you run the other down his chest, and find the waistband off his boxers. Reaching your hand in slowly to grab his cock, he suddenly grabs your wrist and hovers above you once more, “Are you sure darlin?”

“Yes,” you breath out “I want you to feel good too.”

“This is all about you, not me. And trust me, angel, I’m okay if you want to stop.” He looked down at you so lovingly, and your heart almost stopped.

“Yes, Jack. Please… I want you.”

He gave you quick kiss on the lips before reaching for the cabinet next to the bed and rummaging around the drawer before pulling out a condom. He kicks his boxers off and rolls it on slowly, and you get your first real look at Jack in all his naked glory, and you’re biting your lip without realising it as you watch him. He’s big, and 20 minutes ago you’d be panicking, but you felt much calmer now, and knew Jack wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. He smirks up at you when he feels your gaze on him, “Enjoying the view, sugar?”

“Definitely.” You giggle and reach for him. He obliges and climbs over you again, dipping down to kiss you. He lines himself up with your entrance, and gives you one last chance to stop, and you roll your hips up to meet his, so the tip enters you and you both moan in pleasure. He slowly pushes the rest of the way in until he’s completely sheathed, and he drops his head to your shoulder, panting.

“God, doll. You’re so tight, it’s unreal.” He grunts but stays still, giving you time to adjust to his size, leaving kisses along your collarbone.

“I’m good, please move Jack.” You sigh and Jack starts to pull out slowly before burying himself back to the hilt again. It was painful at first, but soon, the pleasure outgrew the pain and you could feel another orgasm approaching. You wrapped your legs around Jack’s waist again and clawed at his back, “Faster, Jack… please.”

He starts to move a little faster, not being too rough with you though, and he knows he’s not going to last much longer, the way your pussy is clenching him, so he slides a hand between your bodies and starts circling your clit again, trying to get you to catch up with him. The sensation is too much, and you bite down on his shoulder, most definitely leaving a mark there.

“Come on, angel. Almost there. You’re being so good-such a good girl-fuck, I’m so close.” He stutters as his thrusts start to become sloppier, pressing harder against your clit.

You can’t even formulate a coherent reply, but you moan so loudly and it’s all the confirmation Jack needs to know you’re as close as he is, as well as the way you’re clamping down on him. He catches your lips again and after a few more thrusts, his hips stutter as he comes, but he carries on until you follow suit a few seconds later. You both ride out your highs, Jack’s thrusts becoming slower and slower until he comes to a complete stop, and the only sound in the room is your heavy breaths. Jack softens and pulls out of you and flops down next to you.

“That was something else, doll.” Jack speaks through his laboured breaths.

He gets up and throws the condom away in the bathroom and returns with a washcloth to clean you up, giving you wet kisses along your jaw and neck.

“I’m gonna get us a drink, make sure you use the bathroom.” He winks at you when he walks out, and you can’t help but stare at his ass, confirming it looks much nicer out of his jeans than in them.

You take his advice and go to the bathroom, smiling at yourself with how sweet he is, and how much he cares about you. When you’re done, you catch yourself in the mirror. Your hair is a mess, and your make-up is smudged, so you quickly wash your face while you’re there. When you re-emerge in the bedroom, Jack is still naked, sat on top of the sheets leaning against the headboard with two glasses of water in his hands. You quickly hop under the sheets next to him and he hands you one of the glasses. You take a sip and when you’re done, he takes them glasses and puts them on the cabinet beside the bed, before shuffling around until he was under the sheets, and he pulled you flush against him.

“You okay?”

“I’m great, a little sore if I’m honest, but it was definitely worth it.” You giggle and place a hand on his cheek, which he leans into.

“Thank you, Jack. I still can’t quite believe that just happened.” You grinned.

“There’s nothing to thank me for, doll. You deserved everything and more tonight. And I’m glad I’ve got you all to myself now.”

“I don’t know how you’re gonna top Valentine’s Day every year from now though. This one has been perfect.”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll find a way, sugar. Don’t you worry about that…” he smirked down at you and you leaned up to kiss him.

You turned around in his arms, so your back was against his chest, and the pair of you fell asleep soon after. Both of you falling asleep to the thoughts that you can’t quite believe how lucky you are to be with the other.

[amethystfaery-blog1]

Faery Witchcraft

Hello lovelies,

There are many kinds of witches out there. Witchcraft is such a flexible and personal form of faith and expression that there are so many sub groups and types of witches out there that I thought it would be fun and informative to actually look a little more in-depth in to the different kinds of witch craft out there but also supply some places and books that you could look at to learn more yourself if you are interested..

So the first one i am going to talk about is fey witchcraft. Its the one I have had the most interaction with so it seemed like a good place to start. Fairies were my first foray into magic as a child. First though I am going to talk a bit about fairies because when I was young fairies were always pretty and lovely with glittery wings and little tiaras, they were there to help and might be a little mischievous but in the ends meant no real harm.

Holy Summerlands is that a load of bullshit.

I read a series called the Merry Gentry by Laurell K Hamilton and it was full of all kinds of different fey. Then me being me, I was curious if any of it was based on history or myth and to my delight it was based on old legends. I began delving into the myths of the sidhe and brownies and red caps, it was quite interesting and the legends and stories held all sorts of mischievous and really quite horrible things the fey were said to do to humans. What was worse were the things humans did to those they thought were fairies like throw babies they believed to be changelings (children swapped with fairy babies) into the fire. Ireland, England and Scotland seemed to have the longest and deepest history of fairies if you are interested in learning more. There are some beautiful and scary legends of all sorts of fey. Like the red caps who wore caps that dripped blood, the sidhe who would steal away people and return them years later, only for them to die because they ate faery food. Brownies were spirits who would look after a house or a family, some were good and some were bad but the only way to get them to leave was by gifting them with something could be clothes, food or items. The high courts of fey called Sidhe were capable of great beauty and nightmares. People used to blame wild faery hunts on people becoming mad.

So to the point of the post. Witches who identify as Faery witch or practice a fey kind of witchcraft or incorporate fey into their magic essentially use fairies the way many will use gods or goddesses or spirits or elements. When one needs help or guidance they may call on a specific kind of fairy to help them. Fairies are also said to be big helpers in leaving signs and symbols but also can cause chaos and upset if they are angered. Fairies are quite powerful and easily offended, hence why many books will tell you to leave offerings a lot to keep the fey from playing pranks or causing chaos in your home.

Fairies are very much tied to the earth and like animals they do not behave like humans. They will do as they please and only help if they want, no matter how many times you ask or plead. Fey magic is a very wild magic and users need to have a heavy does of caution and respect when dealing with the fey. That is not to say it is only bad or good, but just as you would be careful around an animal because you don’t know how they will react to what you do, you need to be careful around them. I know I am writing alot about caution but fey magic can be a wonderful thing to incorporate into your craft or even be the kind of witchcraft you throw yourself into fully if it speaks to you. Welcoming fey into your life and home can be an amazing experience. They used to say that those who were artists and creative or a little mad (ie saw the world different) were touched or blessed by the fey. Talking to the fey and opening your energy to them can bring in a kind of madness and wildness that can be wonderful and eye opening as long as you don’t take then for granted because once they’re pissed, you can be in trouble. They are not human and see the world so differently than what we see it as, which is wonderful and can cause us to challenge how we view things but as I said, it means they may not react the way humans would if you do something. Promises mean everything to the fey, if you make a promise to them keep it but it goes both ways if they make a promise to you then you can be guaranteed that they will deliver. Keeping ones word was a way to show honour amongst the fey and there are many legends that show breaking a vow or lying was a quick way to either end up dead or hurt or tricked. Also make sure each promise or deal is spelled out specifically, they are notorious for keeping their word but will sometimes keep it in a way you don’t expect. For example, if they promise to make a dream come true and have not specified what dream it could be any, from being naked in front of everyone to having more money than you could dream (of course witchcraft doesn’t normally work in the way anyway, just handing you what you want but it’s an example).

On to a lighter note, I never used to see the fey as a child outside of my dreams and mind but I would build houses and places for them to hide and rest amongst the fallen frangipani flowers, leaves and gum nuts. I would dig holes in tree stumps and make little shelters out of sticks and leaves. I used to do it because I believed I was helping them even though I didn’t see them when I was outside. Just because you don’t see doesn’t mean you don’t believe. I never quite saw things the way other saw things. I lived half in a dream world and was always classified a little different from the others around me. Not that that is a bad thing, I just see now that I may have been a bit touched by the fey which is actually kind of cool now that I think of it and I value the fact I can believe in things even when others kind of think I am woo woo.

So if you are interested in looking more into this kind magic I am providing a list of books to start looking into. Keep in mind that fey magic is essentially witchcraft except as I said previously you are looking to the fey for help or guidance rather than to any god or goddess. The fey are extremely nature based so nature based practices and holidays from things like wicca and other pagan practices can go hand in hand with fey. The key in my opinion in building your fey magic is to research. Look into the myths, legends and books that contain fey. The Merry Gentry series caused me to start my own research into the fey, it got me writing questions, looking up names and places mentioned in the books and that is how I started learning about the fairies I had believed in as a child in a much more real light.

So to start you on your way are a list of books both fiction and non, poems, tarot cards and bits and bobs that can get you started.

Books to look into:

Shadow and Light Oracle deck By Lucy Cavendish and Jasmine Beckett Griffith One of my first oracle decks that truly caught. I think it also thoroughly captures the light, dark and shadows aspects of the fey. But it also shows how just because soemthing is light does not mean it is good, nor because something is dark does not mean it is bad. You will be quite surprised by the cards meanings, they won’t be what you expect them to be.

Grimm’s Tales By the Grimm’s Brothers and Fairy tales by Hans Christian Anderson Read closely to the way the fairies and witches are portrayed here, you will be surprised by how many were not actually bad or evil but were generally wronged or keeping promises. An example is the witch in Rapunzel, she made a promise with the man that he could have as much green as long as he promised his first born. He agreed to the deal, he did not have to but he did and when the witch came to collect she was merely receiving her part of the deal. In Sleeping Beauty the fairy that cursed the princess was not a mean fairy but merely one that had been forgotten even when the other fairies had been invited, then was dis-respected by the king and queen. She was hurt and lashed out.

Goblin Market Goblins are classified fey. I read this poem in high school and it shows the darker side of the fey. The part that would lure and “play” with humans for their own amusement.

Midsummer Nights Dream By William Shakespeare It’s a classic, just try it.

Faery Magic by Lucy Cavendish and Selene Connelly This is probably the most instructional and well written book on actual fey witchcraft I have ever read (yes I am a huge Lucy Cavendish fan). Not only does it cover different types or fey, but also how to communicate and inject them into your craft. If you are looking for something more information on how to for faery witchcraft I definitely recommend this book over all others.

An Encyclopedia of Faeries, Hobgoblins, Brownies, Bogies and other supernatural creatures By Katharine Briggs. So I actually got this book as a Christmas gift from my dad as a fluke. He asked what I wanted and I wrote this book down as I knew it was impossible to find and shock and surprise it turned up. It’s amazing. It is written by a woman who got her PhD in this stuff and is full of all the different legends, myths and fey, it should be a go to for anyone who is interested in fey magic.

Merry Gentry By Laurel K Hamilton This was the series that got me back into faeries because the fey in here are not the pretty, glittery, helping and gentle kind of fairies little kids grow up with. These fey have watched history go by, shaped it, been worshipped as gods, been stripped of their powers and are pretty much dying as a race until this Princess starts to wake things up. Laurel K Hamilton did her research for this series to which I found out after looking at the bibliography at the back and then looking up some of the names in the series. She makes it her own but uses legends and myths to make it more real I guess would be the word. It’s set in the modern day and it’s a world where the fey have been apart of life the whole time.

Fair Folk By Marvin Kaye This is a collection of stories where people have encounters with the fey. I like these collections because they show the more unpredictable side to the fey. For example the first books is about a girl who is forced to do things for a fairy but ends up not being the one he wants, he wants her beautiful yet mean step sister. Another is a bout a man who has Brownie move in, which he is happy about until he realises she is using his credit card to fix up his apartment and buy food and she has expensive tastes. The stories are pretty good, I re-read them all the time.

Yes I realise a lot of these books are fiction but the point is to start you thinking. The Merry Gentry series are the only reason why I am into all kinds of fey as an adult, the Fair Folk and Goblin markets showed me darker and more unpredictable sides of the fey, but it was my own research that shaped the way I talk to the fey today. There is also the fact that there are few (in my opinion) decent books on actual faery witchcraft, hence why I only offered one. But that being said using faeries in your craft is something easily applied to as long as you research the type of fey. You would not ask a Red Cap for house help but you may ask a Brownie. Or you would not ask a Kelpie to help you how to swim but maybe a mermaid or one of the Tuatha De Daanan would be able to. And if you have no idea what any of those things are google it.

My last piece of advice is to go find a toadstool ring or a mushroom ring and stand in it. Listen carefully, listen with an open mind and see if you can here them.

Love to hear what you all think of all this and from any Fey Witches out there.

Talk to you all later,

[obscureoperations]

I really need to clean out my archives. Alot of my stuff is simply labeled “untitled” I cant even be nostalgic without the effort. lmao I found this old thing I did, slightly angsty. It was written from the “I” perspective which was weird. I don’t want to start dumping alot of old stuff here, maybe just a few. Bear with me dudes...

Careful: Martin/oc

In a way I regretted my words the second they fell from my mouth. Well maybe not my words per se but more so the way they came out. I didn’t mean for them to sound so cruel, I was merely stating a fact. He was selfish, he was sick and I did love him… The last part I really could have left out, but I was not in the most rational state.  After last night, the reality of the entire situation started to sink in,and I think I was more upset with myself than anyone. I was supposed to be the sane one, but at this point I was no longer so sure. If only I could reason with him… convince him to go get  some help. I kept telling myself that I’d get through to him soon enough, he’d finally listen to my advice… and then maybe. Why did I have to be so harsh with him… I was supposed to be on his side. 

I almost couldn’t get myself to look at him. He looked as though he had just been struck. Tears brimming his eyes, threatening to spill as he averted his gaze towards the window. His lip trembled lightly and he looked like he was about to speak.

“Do you...Jill?” his voice falters just a bit “Love me I mean?” 

Pins and needles… heat rising to my face. I had almost hoped that he missed that last part.

I raise my hand to stop him. “ We can't talk about this right now Martin… I have to go to work…” 

His face falls immediately and my stomach contracts. I resist the urge to reach out and touch him. He nods his head, a stray tear escapes but he quickly brushes it away.  Please stop crying

“I couldn’t go to a hospital… “ 

“I know…”

“That would be too hard for me…”

“I know.”

I can already hear Cuda bumping around in the kitchen, and I quickly spare a glance at my watch. 

“I’m really sorry.” He offers quietly.

“I know you are Martin…. Me too.” 

I want to hold him, I mean really hold him, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Instead I brush my fingers across his tentatively. “We’ll talk later… okay?” I struggle to meet his gaze, but his eyes are glued to the floor-- another tear falls, he’s silently begging me to hold him. 

I didn’t. 

~~~~~~~~

For the most part, he had been doing quite well.  He hadn't been out in well over a month. He didn’t go out all the time. Just when he absolutely had to... When he got too shaky. And even then there were rules set in place. No one with any ties or connections. No one with a family. No more of the ladies…According to him none of the really looked pretty anymore. It was sweet of him to say but I’m sure that was just for me. He mostly stuck to the bums and vagrants that littered the streets on Main. He took just as much as he needed and left. He never let them see his face-- he always stuck to the shadows until it was time.

He did go out last night however, I could hear his footsteps on the roof. It was odd to say the least, he always told me when things were getting bad-- when he started to get too shaky. I really appreciated that he was making an effort, if not for his own sake then for mine. If he didn’t care about himself, I cared enough for the both of us. And If he refused to get help, I had to keep him safe .. he had to be careful.

I didn’t sleep a wink after I heard him leave. It was always that same horrible sinking feeling that got progressively worse as the hours rolled on. Everytime the floorboards creaked or I heard sirens in the distance I would wonder. What If he went too far… and someone actually ended up dead. What if he made a mistake, or neglects to pay attention to his surroundings?  What about the police? He was swift but there were gangs… they had knives... what if he ever--- That was usually when I’d try to sleep, there was not much I could do. I remember one night in particular,there must have been a drug bust, a robbery... something big. The sirens in the distance were unrelenting, getting progressively closer to the house.

 Filled with the worst sense of dread, heartbeat pounding out of my chest, I actually contemplated going out to try and find him. I realized I was pretty much in over my head.  I tried to convince myself that I was overreacting, and that he couldn’t be gone for much longer. The minutes rolled on, thoughts and scenarios muddled together each more horrific than the last. It felt as though someone was standing on my chest, but I couldn’t find it in me to cry…I was physically unable to. It wasn't until I heard the familiar sound of pebbles rolling off the rafters, slight footsteps from above that I was finally able to breathe. Suddenly overcome with exhaustion, I turned over onto my side clutching a pillow to my chest. I could hear him bumping around in his room and I began to shake, tears rolling down my face. So so stupid  

~~~~~~~~~

Work went by in a haze, it was five pm before I knew it. I had somehow convinced Kathy to see to the front end while I stayed in the back to crunch numbers. I didn’t want to see anyone, be around anyone or listen to their voices. I needed something to do...something monotonous and so that's what I did. By the end of the day, all deposit receipts were verified and up to date. I had rearranged back stock several times, and put in part orders to the warehouse. I left notes for the closing cashier and a reminder to make sure the pick up log was up to date. All in all it was a very productive day, I hardly thought about Martin at all, but then it was time to leave.

My temples ached and my back was stiff. I barely had anything to drink all day. I paused for longer than I needed to at the water fountain, contemplating which route I wanted to take home. I could continue up the street on cedar sticking to the main road, that usually took a solid fifteen minutes. Or I could head around to the back of the shop cutting through Gum street, that way took me about ten. 

Despite wanting to delay the inevitable, I decided on the latter and soon enough I was standing in front of the door. I could already hear Cuda’s voice booming from the kitchen, my grip on the key instinctively tightened. God what was he on about now? With a deep breath I cracked open the door, relief from the air conditioning was instant.

I cautiously peered around the corner into the kitchen. Cuda was standing at the sink, cigar in hand rolling up his sleeves.

“He wanted to leave… so he left!”

“ But did you have to be so hard on him? You saw him this morning.. He’s probably just getting sick.” sighed Christina.

“ Laziness.. That’s what it is! What kind of example is that? I will not have the other workers believing I will pay them just to stand around! “

“ Well what will he do for money?” 

“I’m not firing him… he knows this… I just wanted him out of my sight for a while. He may return to tomorrow, if he wishes… and he better be prepared to work.”

I clear my throat lightly before entering the kitchen. “ Is- ah Is everything alright here?” 

“ Good afternoon child… Yes everything is fine…” said Godfather giving me a light embrace.

I spare a brief smile at Christina before she interrupts. “Grandfather is just giving Martin a hard time.. He sent him home from work. I found him sitting out on the front porch when I came home for lunch.”

“ On the porch couldn’t he get in?” I asked

“He said something about getting some air… He looked so down, I was worried. I still think he might  be coming down with something.” 

Cuda mutters something to himself as he turns on the faucet, busying himself at the sink. 

“ Well where is he now..upstairs?” I ask

“ Yes... in his room.”

“If the two of you spent as much time keeping up with the house as you do fussing over the boy I think we would all be better off.” 

With a sigh, I raised my hand gesturing that I was heading upstairs. The staircase seemed to elongate, my heart raced every step closer I got to his door. I paused right in front of the door frame, noting the bells were securely in place. I lean in pressing my ear to the door, it was completely silent. “Martin?”

It was still completely silent and for some reason I started to panic. I knock again, a bit louder this time “Martin, are you okay?” I can hear the bed springs creek, slow footsteps get closer to the door. I had no idea why I was so nervous, what did I even have to say? I was sorry, in a way he already knew that. All of this was such a terrible idea. I needed to find a way to break it to him-- us being together at all could never work. At least not here. The simple fact that I loved him was inadvertently putting him directly into harms way. I couldn’t allow it, it would be completely selfish of me. Before I knew it he had slowly cracked the door open.

He looked almost surprised to see me before he averts his eyes, leaning against the door frame. I could already see that his eyes were red and swollen,  damp lashes glued to his cheeks. I felt something contract inside, how could I even consider giving up on him. It was too late now, in a way I needed him just as much. 

He mumbles something under his breath. I couldn’t hear him. “What?” he shakes his head. 

“ I’ve got to talk to you… can I come in?”

Slowly he cracks open the door wide enough so that I could slip in. He was barely looking at me, he seemed almost frightened. Like I was about to lash out at any minute. He was trembling slightly as he absentmindedly wipes at his eyes, lips still formed into a small pout. If this was the way he was all day, I truly regretted not hugging him goodbye.

“I’m so sorry…” I whisper.

His head snapped up instantly, he looked genuinely surprised. “No.. I am. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Was that why he was so upset?

“What?”

“I know you hate it when I have to go out. I’m sorry that I scared you.”

I reach forward instantly wrapping my arms around him tightly. He practically melts into the embrace. He was mumbling something that I couldn’t quite understand, so I simply held him all the tighter.

“I meant it Martin.. I really did.”

I can feel his fingers dig into the hem of my shirt. He was shaking again, I hoped to god he understood what I meant.

[ceriousc]

My Story

Just was watching an Alayna Joy video and it inspired me to talk about me for a minute. If it helps anyone then I'm glad I shared. Even if that one person it helps is just me. Here goes. I'm 42. I'm American. Born and raised here. I actually strongly hate being called African American. British people are just British, Canadians are just that. We are literally the only country doing this race thing. I'm human race and I'm over it. But I digress. When I was a child I was molested. My older teenage cousins male would touch me in places, rub their privates against me, until I thought it was normal. I remember asking an adult about the actual act and not saying it was being done to me. I was told it was called sex and we don't discuss that ever. Eventually it began to happen to me in my life quite often because I was taught so young not to talk about it I didn't. I remember trying to fit in with older female cousins. I was introduced one day to a game called hide n go get it. The rules were explained to me we seperated and we all split up while young boys searched for us in our hiding spaces. During this time I was caught and was told I had to have sex with a boy. I was 8 at the time. I preceded to go along with it. By this time it wasn't a big deal to me after all of the other stuff going on at the time. Everyone ridiculed and laughed at me. 8 years old being called a slut when you haven't even had the opportunity to develop yet. By 13 my aunt was paying me to watch her kids while her and her husband were supposed to go to work on the weekends. It was great. I'd spend from Thursday night to Sunday at their house. Early one morning after my aunt left for work. It had to be around 5:30ish in the morning, I was woken up by my nightshirt being pulled up and someone pressing their entire body on top of mine. Private being rubbed against my butt hands clasped over mind. Face down almost suffocating inside a pillow. There was a conversation on the way home later. I was told I was attractive. I know I wanted it. We were together now. This was my new hell. After a couple times I couldn't take it. I told someone and apparently I found out years later that an adult overheard and I was bragging about this. Mine you I was 13 at the time. He was in his 30's and married to my aunt and they had children together. But it was my fault I was bragging. I'm off track again. Anyway I stopped going over. He sent me roses and a card. My mother was immediately like what the hell. This isn't something am uncle sends to his niece. I tell her what happened. She believed me. We went to the police. I wasn't a virgin. Strike one. He is military. He took a polygraph test and passed. I get free counseling he gets nothing. My aunt later finds out he's on drugs. They get a divorce he leaves. He then marries a 17 year old girl. He's late 30's. Atleast she's legal but I'm a homewrecker now. I literally spend the rest of my teenage years being drunk and promiscuous. I realized early on in life that I was a lesbian. This was me punishing myself. Hating myself and just believing this is what I deserved. I remember crying and being depressed and self harming. Some people actually told my Mom I was a witch. I don't know why or where that came from but yeah my life. 15 I discovered strippers living on the next street over from my house. I was in heaven. That became my new hangout spot. I would give them back rubs, go to the store for their props ( honey, whip cream, baby oil etc.) I also got to take money at the door, take money in the kitchen while handing out plates of food and drinks. I did have to wear a button down white shirt tied up under my breast and short shorts. I had a grown up body by then. The owner wanted me to sleep with him but at that time I didn't care. I was making money and hanging around good looking totally naked women. School was horrible. I was the known slut. Home was even worse because well same. This house and job were my only outlet. My saviour from suicide. Until people who knew my family eventually told them that I was a dancer there which wasn't even true. But my life changed drastically after. I called that my rock bottom moment. I remember watching a show when I was an adult and the character said just because I'm next to hookers and dressed fancy doesn't mean I'm a hooker. I couldn't help but laugh because it's insane but so very accurate. I was so depressed I would cry all of the time. I wanted to die so badly. I remember praying to be ugly so guys would just leave me alone. If I were fat and ugly then no one would want me. My life would be better. So I stopped dieting, exercising, showering. Anything healthy I stopped doing it. Sad to say that carried over into my adulthood but we are still at teenaged me who now bad getting teased for bad hygiene. I eventually kind of cleaned up my act by junior year so I had to be 16 going on 17. I got accepted into a vocational during the morning and regular school the afternoon. I also got a job. A real tax write off job. So I wasn't drinking, I was pretty decent with my hygiene. No one told me about shaving or importance of skin care or just taking care of yourself in general. I was pretty good though. I had a steady boyfriend. Yep trying to fit in again. I wasn't doing good at school at this time. Bullying was a huge problem so I just started going to work after vocational school. Got incompletes like I thought so I just went to summer school and aced my classes. My steady boyfriend was upset because we weren't having sex. Sex became something I associated with depression and anger. It's a punishment. I didn't get why he was so upset we weren't doing that. Also he'd buy me flowers and make hair and nail appointments for me. I kept wondering why because when we met nothing about me said I was into those things. The only time I would dress up was if I had to for our class interviews or presentations. He started popping up at my job to surprise me with gifts and just get upset because he couldn't find me. Then it would turn into I came up to your job you said you were working where were you. My job I could've been doing a number of things. Cleaning out break room stalls in the back. We couldn't hear speakers back there and at that time loudspeakers were all we had. I hated doing cashiering so I avoided that typically anyone so I'd probably be outside waiting for stock trucks so I can do that. Outside can't loud speakers therefore can't get called to the register. We ended up breaking up after he proposed and we just realized we weren't right for each other. He was a great guy he just wasn't for me. I went back to punishing myself though. Blamed myself for our break up. My grades suffered, I lost my job, and just went to bad habits which included sleeping around again. Also went back to the strippers because they brought me joy. This older guy with money started checking me out. I ended up sleeping with him. It became a thing. I ran away from home and started living on his house boat. It was great at first. I was 17 with my own space. My mom was running around the neighborhood with posters asking have you seen this girl. I was a piece of shit for that. Yes I know. We left Michigan and we took a few strippers with us and moved to Florida. It was wild. The guy bought me clothes and other stuff I needed but he kept hinting at us starting a family. I was trying to figure my shit out. It scared me. We were in Pensacola Fl. When I got hit for the first time. My jaw and eye were swollen. I thought some of my teeth got knocked out too but they were still intact. We argued alot. Faught for a week and then he raped me. I thought the molestation was bad but being raped is 100 times worse. I can't even describe it. My friend immediately came when I called. I didn't want a hospital, no police, I just wanted to shower forever and die. That was my plan. Shower and die. I finally healed enough on the outside that I went home to my parents. I got home and didn't tell anyone about him. Hey I ran to Florida with some strippers. Think whatever you want. I couldn't stay at my house for long. I was having a hard time dealing with anything. Guy kept calling threatening my life and with everything else happening I left again. A guy I would hangout with was still a virgin I thought he was nice. He liked me he was going to Lansing for awhile. I went with him and his family. Me and him were sharing a room we had sex. He didn't see how painful that first time after messed with my head. I smiled got up hopped in the shower and balled my eyes out. Just cried until he knocked on the door. I didn't have any clothes so I had to share with him. I big breast and was walking around with a football Jersey and no bra looking like trash. That's how I was treated. He was nice. He bought me food, and anything that I needed he was cool about. He didn't know the Florida stuff I was dealing with. He knew what was going on at home but he didn't get to find out about Florida. No one did until now. I ended up finding out he was related to me. It's so important to find out your history for reasons like this. So yeah we ended up being cousins. I ended going to prom with my cousin as just my cousin although we had already slept together. Took pictures got my yearbook signed. The next day I joined the Navy. I had a whole year to train and get back in shape. I didn't do that. By the time the departure date came around I had changed my mind about going. I was told I signed up and I had to go. I found out later that wasn't true. There I was in the military. Not shaven. Terrible hygiene. Just overall terrible human being. Not into this. Hate authority figures. Can't stand rules of any kind. So we get haircuts. Uniforms. I rage first atleast two weeks straight. There is only 8. I see some women that I'm attracted to out of 80 women it was bound to happen. Then we have to run. Running was always horrible for me and I found out why. In the Navy where we run every morning. I had an asthma attack. They gave me treatment. I went to my barracks. More running another attack. I forget what day or what week stuff happens but I still get PTSD from coming on my period there. Outside no bathroom around. Immediate bathroom that is. Anyway my period came early. Probably due to stress. Messed up my uniform. There are certain days for you to wash your clothes. People have to clean those washers and dryers probably if they are not cleaned properly the whole crew gets demerits. My menstrual has always been horrible. Military was 10 times worse. I made it through to the end of the menstrual. I was constantly told my hair was growing too fast I needed it cut again. Didn't do that. Couldn't fold my bedding correctly. Was told to shave for swimming I didn't do that either. I know what you are thinking. I agree. I'm there with you. Hygiene has always been a struggle for me. It's my defense mechanism. It's how put a wall up since I can't put a physical one up. I ended up stepping on this girls foot who I didn't know while marching and wearing steel toe boots. We clicked immediately. Fast friends. I fell in love shortly after and didn't know it. I just knew I had to always be around her. I remember once going to the shower. I saw her waiting in line. The way we did showers were two people to a stall. I would've had to shower with her if I hadn't turned around and traded clean up days with a friend so I could shower last and alone. Later before I could jump into bed she asked me why I left showers. I completely played the wtf are you talking about card. She's like I saw you walk in. I'm like oh I didn't see you. I forgot something then just decided to study some more for that test tomorrow. Now everyone knew I didn't do the physical part of training before bootcamp but I memorized that entire book we were given by our recruiter. Basically I just could skim it and it would all come back to me. Graciously she let it go and I went to bed but this kept going for weeks. One day she finally said I know a girl back home like you. I was horrified and shocked. I never had been with a woman, hadn't kissed a girl, nothing with a girl except love her from afar so when she called me on it I was speechless. I went to bed. We had a qualifying run the next day and I think my panic attack I was already having, mixed with asthma attack, and almost became a heartattack. Either way I was told right before graduating and after receiving awards for most improved cadet that I had to leave. 7th week 2nd day only five more days to go. I wouldn't graduate. We laid in bed and I got to hold her and tell her goodbye as we cried. She didn't love me but we were friends and I still miss her dearly. My life didn't get much better after that. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I did some terrible things in my life. I had some terrible things done to me. I came out as bi after bootcamp. I was raped two more times. I have grown to try and deal with it. Alot of people blame me identifying as lesbian now as it has or had something to do with me being raped or molested. I can honestly say that for as long as I can remember I've always loved women. I've always been attracted to women. I have acknowledged a man being handsome. I have consentually dated and slept with men. I just realized when I became older those moments were never for the right reasons. Everyone story is different. Your isn't going to be my story. You might hate everything that I've said. That's fine if you do. Your a human being. You matter.. Your ideas matter and I love you for your diversity! Love one another!!