#but still that's high key gross to me like who chose those ages??

[thesmokinpossum]

Bruh, I kept seeing that post about mama bear from the Berenstain Bears being 27 years so I went and checked to see if it was actually true…Well, it is but I also learned that papa bear is canonically 39 years old, which wouldn't be that disturbing except for the fact that their eldest son is 10-11 years old (!!!) and now I'm genuinely grossed out

[letterboxd]

Top 100 Women Directors.

Ella Kemp takes a deep-dive into our newest all-time stats addition—the top 100 films directed by women—and finds, to nobody’s surprise, that Agnès Varda is indisputably the GOAT.

There are countless ‘best of’ lists on Letterboxd to track your progress against; some are maintained by our staff, while others are contributed by passionate members. If you’ve upgraded to Pro or Patron level, there’s a section on your all-time stats page (accessible directly from your profile) where we’ve gathered twelve key lists against which you can track your progress at a glance (example below), and we’ve also added ‘Completed Collections’ for Patrons, showing all franchises of three or more films that you’ve seen in their entirety (excluding unreleased entries).

In the interests of promoting a diverse range of titles, we’ve recently added a Top 100 Women Directors list to your all-time stats, compiled by Jack Moulton and ranked by overall weighted average rating. In other words, these are the female-directed (and female-identifying-directed) films that you, the Letterboxd community, have chosen as the best.

To celebrate, we invited Letterboxd member, writer and Girls on Tops photographer Ella Kemp to cast her eye over the current list (it’s bound to change in future based on new ratings cast).

Encompassing thousands of votes to meticulously rate and root for the greatest films we have courtesy of women directors, Letterboxd’s newest all-time list offers a sobering dissection of the way we consume movies—and how much we recognize the women responsible for these works.

At first glance, a scroll through the list boasts a generous handful of posters designed in the last couple of years. Five features released in the past twelve to eighteen months have made it straight to the top 20 (Portrait of A Lady on Fire, The Farewell, Booksmart, Lady Bird and Capernaum) with one of those films—not even publicly released in cinemas yet, but making waves at festivals around the world—already sitting at number two. That’s the power of Céline Sciamma and her Portrait.

Céline Sciamma’s ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ (2019).

Diving deeper, Sciamma’s top-tier triumph exemplifies a few key patterns. She returns at number 64 with Tomboy, reminding us what a great shame it is that her excellent feature Girlhood didn’t make the list, but confirming that France appears to be one of the best countries in the world for women to make movies: the list comprises 23 French features, which, considering the US’s oft-perceived monopoly on the film industry, feels monumental.

But of course, it’s not accidental either. This year sadly marked the passing of Agnès Varda, indisputably the GOAT. She stands proud as the most prolific contributor with six features, two in the top 20. To grieve, to remember, at least we can always keep watching.

Another singular trailblazer is Scotswoman Lynne Ramsay. She has four entries, but what’s most impressive is that these are, well, all the feature films she’s made to date. Her fourth entry, Morvern Callar, sneaks in at number 100.

Elaine May and Chantal Akerman both have three entries, which may come as no surprise to cinephiles, but it’s also the same number of entries as Japanese animator Naoko Yamada (whose A Silent Voice sits in sixteenth place on our list). This reveals an open-minded slant, one that acknowledges the widely perceived touchstones but also embraces further-reaching works from lesser-known artists. Five features are Japanese, four are German, three Italian, and three Indian.

Naoko Yamada’s ‘A Silent Voice’ (2016).

The lean still remains very much with the US, and yet few films on the list break records for eye-watering budgets. The Matrix, courtesy of the Wachowskis, was made for $63 million, and Shrek, co-directed by Vicky Jenson, had a budget of $60 million. Aside from these two, projects on the list seldom had more than $10–15 million to get the job done.

When looking at the list’s omissions, one almost unanimous absence is that of the highest-grossing films of all time directed by women. No Sleepless in Seattle, no Frozen, no Fifty Shades of Grey. No Nora Ephron, No Nancy Meyers. No Ava DuVernay. It’s a peculiar gap, as the influence of these writers and filmmakers is hardly one to be contested. And, to close the circle on big budgets, $120-150-million-wielding Patty Jenkins is also absent. The highest-grossing film directed by a woman (with no male directing partner)—a cool $821.8 million at the global box office—did not make the cut.

On this topic, there are sixteen films co-directed by women on the list. A co-directing mention is a crucial credit. It’s like the trust exercises that used to be taught in school drama classes—how would they work if one party wasn’t there to catch the other as they fell? What’s the point in being brave if you don’t also have some kind of promise of safety? Partners need each other, and these directors needed partners to reach the heights they did. City of God, co-directed by Fernando Meirelles and Kátia Lund, was nominated for four Oscars, and yet Meirelles was still the only filmmaker credited at the ceremony. The Academy chose to disregard Lund, but our list does not. There are five female co-directors in the top 20. One of the highest-grossing films on the list, Shrek, would not be what it is without Vicky Jenson.

Also curious: Palme d’Or winner Jane Campion makes the list, best director Oscar winner Kathryn Bigelow does not. Overall, the list shows a vast body of skill, a crop of familiar names, some deeply felt absences and—hopefully—a whole lot of additions to watchlists. Further names that deserve to be sought out, in no particular order, include Mabel Normand, Maya Deren, Josephine Decker, Jennie Livingston, Mia Hansen-Løve, Dee Rees, Joanna Hogg, Gurinder Chadha, Barbara Hammer, and directors with new films soon to be released: Marielle Heller (A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood), Niki Caro (the live-action Mulan) and Kasi Lemmons (Harriet).

Chantal Akerman’s ‘Jeanne Dielman, 23, Quai du Commerce 1080 Bruxelles’ (1975).

Writing this breakdown gave me plenty of homework, and it shed light on a lot of works that I’m yet to catch up with. At first I thought it pretty normal to not have seen as many on the list as I would have liked, taking into account my age, access and time, but the further I went, the more names cropped up that I didn’t recognize, and the more I recalled my three years studying film at university and not having learned anything about so many of these women.

I should know more names. I should have been set more assignments regarding more of these names. I can do more, but so too can those above me, those who taught me and continue to teach others, about who makes the films that are worth learning about. We now have lists such as this one—it’s high time we start to properly use them.

Header image: Agnès Varda (with her own 1962 self-portrait) in Faces Places.

Related content

Films Directed by Women: Vanessa’s comprehensive—and growing—master list, and her shorter, highly recommended list

Female Cinematographers: The Master List

Written by Women: a master list of scripts written by women

Five filmmakers Jane Campion wants you to watch next

Our Q&A with Debra Granik

Little White Lies’ 100 Great Movies by Female Directors

Female directors recommended by Tilda Swinton

Iranian Women Make Films: a list of Iranian female directors

Merata: How Mum Decolonised the Screen: the story of trailblazing Māori filmmaker Merata Mita (available on Netflix, distributed by Array)

[mal-is-tall]

i did it. i confessed to luke how i sexually violated ben online

luke was unhappy but far more understanding then i thought he’d be

well first when i walked in i immediately told him “master luke, i did something bad, like very bad, and i think you are going to be very angry with me, just so you know. so before i start talking can i please have a hug because i think you are not going to want to hug me after i tell you what i did.”

i do not usually ask for hugs so luke said yes and i hugged him for like a minute because i knew that was going to be the last time luke would ever want to touch me

he had a very serious expression on. it was kind of scary

i basically said “luke, your nephew was very nice to me when he apologized for gossiping about me and i had been feeling very lonely so when he was nice it made me fall head over heels into a mad passion for him. i’ve never felt this way before and i am having a lot of strong sexual feelings which i have also not felt before. i am very ashamed but i did not know how to deal appropriately with my sexual feelings and so i started trying to flirt with your nephew online. but i was very horny and very stupid and things got out of hand and i said many things that i should not have said because they were rude and violent and repulsive for example i said i would like to take your nephew’s pants off, and that i would like to smash him against the ground and make out, and i said that online where everyone could see it. including ben. and he is very humiliated and uncomfortable now. and he probably thinks i am going to rape him. and i suppose the stuff i said was so objectifying and bad that it would not be totally unreasonable for him to come to that conclusion. and now i do not know what to do. ben told his parents already so they are probably going to talk to you, and i was very scared to talk to you, so that’s why i was pretending to be sick, but i finally got the courage to speak to you because i think it would be worse for you to hear this not coming from me. so yes luke, i sexually harassed your nephew and bullied him online to get off. it was disgusting and wrong. it is not what a jedi would do. i am sorry about this.”

and luke said, “i see.”

and i was right he did not look like he was wanting to hug me.

and he said, “amalia, at what point did ben tell you to stop and how long after that did you keep going?”

and i thought about it and then i said “i don’t think he ever told me to stop. probably because he was scared.”

and luke said “i see. at what point did you realize you should have stopped and how long after that did you keep going?”

and i said “i was foolish, master luke. i didn’t realize i shouldn’t have done it until after ben made a post on his blog saying he was being sexually harassed, and then i stopped”

“what do you think kept you from realizing your mistakes?”

“my horniness. my feelings were very intense. they were all i could think about most of the time. they felt so strong i didn’t think i could control them and they just took me over. i’ve never had it that bad before. i kind of hate it now. like i wish i could castrate myself, except with whatever is the female version of that.”

“what have you learned from this?”

“to think before i post stuff. to think before i say things. to not just think about myself and my own feelings all the time, but to think about what others might be thinking or feeling. that some things shouldn’t be talked about as freely and openly as other things. that it’s not okay to make unwanted sexual comments about anyone, even if they’re a celebrity or a guy or i think i’m being funny. that my biological desires and/or state of being are no excuse for disgusting behavior. that i can and should exercise control over myself.”

“well...you certainly sound as though you regret what you did, and get why it was wrong. so what do you plan to do next?”

“apologize to ben solo for being horny and stupid.”

luke nodded but said nothing. i felt very embarrassed for having just told my master and my dad how sexually frustrated i was. actually before this whole mess had happened, i had never talked about those feelings ever in my life even though i had had those kinds of feelings since i was thirteen. when i was thirteen those feelings had been scary and shameful to me and so i had ignored them and dealt with them in secret and felt bad about them; now that i was nineteen and those feelings had just led me to sexually harass a minor, they felt even more scary and shameful

“master luke,” i said, “i know that harassing ben to ease off my tension was wrong but...well can i ask you a question? is it wrong for me to be so sexually aroused by somebody who doesn’t want sexual attention? i feel very gross...”

luke didn’t say anything for a while and it made me nervous.

“it’s not wrong for you to be a sexual person with sexual desires, amalia,” he said finally. “it’s perfectly healthy for you to be that way. the majority of adults experience the kinds of feelings you just described. and it’s not even wrong for you to feel sexually attracted to, or even aroused by, ben. it does make things complicated since he most likely does not reciprocate your feelings. but simply having sexual urges and feelings isn’t wrong until you choose to express them in a way that is, like you said, inappropriate and devaluing. the key here is not for you to become embarrassed and ashamed about your sexuality. you just need to learn when, how, and with whom it is okay, and not okay, to express it.”

“i think sex is a horrible invention,” i said suddenly. “it’s dangerous and gross and not worth all the bad things that come out of it. if we didn’t have sex we wouldn’t have rape and harassment and abuse and all these disgusting evils.”

“there are a lot of evils that come from people twisting and abusing sex,” luke agreed, “but i think you’re wrong to call it a horrible invention. sex can be a beautiful, wonderful, powerful thing when expressed rightly and not just selfishly. i’m not speaking from personal experience, by the way. but i have known many couples whose sexual intimacy has been a very special part of their relationship. my aunt and uncle who raised me for example. my sister and my brother-in-law.”

“luke are you seriously talking to me right now about ben’s parents having sex.”

“oh come on,” luke said. “the whole galaxy knows they’re having sex. where do you think ben came from?”

“gross.”

“it’s not gross. it’s beautiful. i mean, sure, it is very awkward to talk about, and the whole concept with its specific mechanics is kind of goofy if we’re honest, but i think that sex is a good thing, amalia. it’s an intimate, special way for people to express their love. it’s where children come from. it brings pleasure. and because it’s such a good thing, that’s what makes it so wrong when people abuse it and corrupt it to make it about hurting others and only pleasing themselves, like you did.”

i nodded. i guessed it made sense. but then i stopped.

“wait luke, you. you said you’re not speaking from personal experience. i did hear that right, didn’t i? so do you mean that you’re still a...that you’ve never had...”

“sex?” he finished. “that’s right. i’m forty-two years old and i’m still a virgin.”

“holy karf, luke,” i cried. “how are you...still alive? if i’m still a virgin when i’m forty-two i think i am going to explode.”

“i used to think that way too. i’ve never had a very high sex drive, because it varies from person to person, but i remember feeling lonely when i was about your age.”

“are you ever lonely now?”

“why would i be?” luke asked, seeming genuinely surprised. “i have all of my students! you guys are my family. and amalia, i know right now you’re a teenager who feels like she’s going to explode, and you probably won’t be a virgin by the time you’re forty-two. but trust me. even if you never have sex, it’s not going to be the end of the galaxy like all the holozines make it seem. like i said, sex is a wonderful gift, but i think that the world values it a little too highly. it’s not an absolute physical necessity the way some make it out to be. when people think that it is, that they absolutely need it or else they’re going to, like you said, explode, that’s where we wind up with problems like you trying to force ben to give you something he doesn’t want to.”

“hm.”

“you know, ben and i had a sex talk like this last life day.”

i blinked. “why were you talking to your nephew about sex on life day?”

“it came up,” luke said, vaguely waving a hand. “i’m sure he won’t mind me sharing this, because he’s pretty open about it, but ben has i guess what could be considered the opposite issue from yours. he doesn’t care much for sex or romance at all, and he often feels like all the galaxy has run after something he doesn’t understand, and left him behind. in other words, he feels like an outcast for not wanting to have sex.”

luke paused. “and i’m sure that those feelings about his own sexuality, or his lack thereof, have colored the lens through which he sees your actions, amalia. he probably thinks of what you did as society’s obsession with sex being undesirably forced upon him, on top of him feeling violated and humiliated. he might even see it as a subtle message that there’s something wrong with him for not desiring sex.”

“oh.” i said. “that. that is not good.”

“it’s not. which makes it extra unfortunate that he was the one you decided to target. it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to address that when you apologize to him,” luke added.

“speaking of when i apologize...” i said, “when i do apologize to him, will i have to explain to him that i am strongly and irresistibly sexually attracted to him? i don’t think he would respond well to that.”

“i don’t think he would either. it’s probably best to spare as many details on your ‘strong and irresistible’ sexual attraction as you can. just explain that you do have strong sexual desires—you don’t have to emphasize whom they’re toward. explain to him that you can’t control your desire to have sex any more than he can control his desire to not have sex, but make it clear that the way you chose to express that desire was inappropriate, harmful, and wrong. and that you are never going to do it again.”

“okay. thank you luke,” i said. “but...does the fact that i’m attracted to him and he’s not attracted to me mean i can’t be friends with him anymore? assuming he even wants to still be friends after this...”

“hm,” luke said. “funny. i won’t name names, but i had this exact conversation with someone else regarding ben—“

“you talked to fannie i bet.”

“oh. you know?”

“luke it is so obvious to everyone that fannie’s in love with ben. except maybe deirak; deirak doesn’t know.”

“no comment,” said luke. “but yes, fannie had similar concerns, and the solution that she determined was that she was going to have to step away from her friendship with ben for a while, and take some time to pursue someone else. she’s still friends with ben, of course—“

“—and she’s still in love with him.”

“no comment. but she decided spending less time with ben was the best thing for her friendship with him, to prevent herself from accidentally disrespecting him. she certainly never did anything like you just did, amalia, but she said she felt uncomfortable because she was imagining herself in a married relationship with him, and she knew she was seeing him in a way that he didn’t want to be seen in. so i’m not saying you can’t be friends with ben, but even fannie knew she had to establish boundaries, and i think you’d agree that fannie is hardly someone we think of as being impulsive or reckless.”

“are you saying that i’m impulsive and reckless?”

luke coughed. “well, sweetie, if the shoe fits.”

i grunted.

“i’ll talk to ben’s parents about this,” luke said then. “i’ll try to explain why you did what you did, and that you’re sorry, and then hopefully we’ll be able to arrange a time and place for you to apologize to ben and negotiate whether or not you’re still going to be friends. i’m glad that you came to talk to me, amalia. i understand how hard it can be to come forth about making such a serious mistake, and though i am disappointed in you and i am going to assign you some form of punishment later, i’m pleased to hear you know your actions were wrong. usually i have to tell you when you’re wrong, which is much more painful for both of us—you should realize when you’re wrong more often.” he gave me a cheeky wink, which i ignored.

“thanks, luke. and thanks for the sex ed. it was helpful and informative.”

“you’re welcome, kid. honestly, i should probably do more sex ed around here. i hear there’s some spin-the-saber going on.”

“every weekend,” i answered, then blushed and looked away. “um. luke. sorry. but i just want to make sure. do you...you still love me, right? the punishment isn’t going to be losing my relationship with you, right?”

“of course i still love you, sweetie.” luke held out his arms to me but i didn’t move because i was embarrassed, so instead he came to me and hugged me. “i wouldn’t care about you doing what’s right if i didn’t love you.”

—a

[tessiepessie]

Cake? in this dire time?

You can read it too in AO3 // Specials thanks to @wordshakerofgallifrey who did the beta and make this more readable <3 

When Vlad came into Dmitry’s apartament at nine in the morning, the young man knew that something was out of place. He hadn’t even had his first cup of coffee, and was not ready for whatever news Vlad was going to pop up with.

“I’m starting to regret giving you my spare key.”

“Yeah, well, I pay half the rent, so you owe me that spare key.”

Truth be told, the only reason that jobless Dmitry could have this nice big apartament in the big city was because his ex-foster dad had a heart of gold, and kept taking care of him. Besides, he knew that bringing that subject up was the perfect trick to soften him up for the next piece of information that he was going to share.

“Lily and I… we’re going to get married.”

“You’re what?!”

Nothing against charming Lily. Dmitry shouldn’t have choked with his coffee, but getting married? Do people still do that? Why? Dmitry thought it was something crazy people do in Las Vegas when they’re too drunk in their twenties, and then get an awkward divorce. And now, Vlad was saying that he was going to get married. The man lost his mind, it couldn’t be possible. Yes, he and Lily had been dating for ages, even before the boy appeared in his life, why marry now?

“Don’t you think that maybe you’re too old for this shit?”

“You are never too old for love, son. The important thing here is…”

“What? Is there more info here? Is she pregnant?” Vlad looked so serious that Dmitry started to feel a lump in his throat. “That doesn’t make any sense… she’s too old. Did she tell you that? Because, Vlad, there’s a thing called meno—”

“Shut the fuck up, Dmitry. I was just going to ask you to be my best man, but I’m not so sure now.”

Well, this is awkward. They spent the next ten minutes in perfect silence. Dmitry finished his cup of coffee. He and Vlad were close, but not when it came to the so-called feelings. It worked perfectly for the both of them. Now, he was afraid that Vlad would maybe get too emotional and start crying or doing something silly. This is going to be a disaster. And it was not even the big day yet.

“What do I have to do?” he sighed. However, on the bright side, this could be fun.

“You have to help me prepare everything for the wedding. You have to give the best man speech, and most importantly, I have to be there.” he looks seriously to him “Otherwise, there’s no wedding, so you have to take care of that.”

“Okay, I could do that. Do I have to wear a tuxedo?”

“Yes, and a new one. Not that old thing in your wardrobe. Don’t worry, Lily will take care of that.”

It turned out that the next few months weren’t as awful as Dmitry had thought. Lily and Vlad seemed to be more in love than ever. His best man duties kept him busy. They distracted him from the bugs in his head that told him that he was a failure as a man because he was jobless and lonely. Plus, he had a new tuxedo that looked great on him.

Vlad asked him for help in choosing the wedding cake. Lily was going to be there too, along with one of her bridesmaid. Apparently, the cake was a big deal that required four people involved. So there he was, being the best best man ever, ready to eat as much frosting as he could. Maybe he could get married someday, although he still didn’t get the reason why people did it, but, hey! There’s a free cake degustation.

When he went into the bakery, the smell of sugar distracted him from the presence of the pretty blonde standing next to Lily. It was a pretty sunny day, warm breeze, birds singing. He had gotten up early and was not late. The coffee was great, and he didn't even have to kick out last night’s guest. It was the perfect day. And there she was, looking so fucking perfect that it made him mad. It felt unfair. It was too late to get out, because she was looking at him, and she was smiling.

Anastasia Romanova was his archenemy since he was twelve years old, when Vlad took him from the orphanage. He gave him a nice home with people who took care of him, people who did not beat the shit out of him. Along came Lily and his goddaughter, Anastasia (or Anya, for short), and for someone who has just ten, Anya was the devil herself. Every time she came to visit, Dmitry had to hide in the basement, but she would find him and make him play some silly game until she got bored. She’d plan awful pranks that would end with Dmitry crying.

He wasn’t proud of his old self.

By their teenage years, she became more ladylike and less devil-like. But still, she was ready to fight at any chance. Sadly, for Dmitry, she was smart, so she would usually win. This would bring more fights, until Vlad would intervene and make them apologize. When she finished high school, she went to live with her grandmother to Paris. There, she started college at the Sorbonne, and lost contact with her childhood friends (not like he wanted to keep in touch, but it would be nice to know about her) and, apparently, the princess was back in the city.

The Paris lifestyle suited her. She didn't look as pale, and she was glowing. That was not possible. She didn't seem to be planning to kick his ass either, and her smile was a genuine one. He was pretty sure that he never saw her smile without him ending up on the ground.

“Looks like you saw a ghost, Dima.”

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Charming as always. I’m Lily’s bridesmaid, so I came to help.”

Dmitry, still perplexed, looked at her like this whole situation was either a big joke, or a miracle that he couldn’t figure out. Yes, he was happy that she was back for Lily and Vlad’s wedding, but a little warning would have been welcome.

“And now that you’re here,” Vlad’s voice came from behind him. “Anya and you are going to choose the wedding cake, while Lily and I go choose the menu for the reception. Have a fun day, kid.”

Anastasia did most of the talking. She talked about Paris and how much she loved the city, how the Sorbonne was a strict school but she was doing well, not perfect but she would live. Apparently, she had a lot of friends there. It took her a month to speak the language flawlessly, and she had studied it her whole life. Paris was the perfect place to live because, in her own words “nothing can be wrong in the city of lights”. She also told him what a surprise it was when Lily told her that she proposed to Vlad, which was new information to Dmitry, because the old man told him that it was his idea. But, he knew Lily well, so he was pretty sure that Anya was right. She had more character in one pinky finger than Vlad in his whole body.

“So… do you want cake?” Anastasia’s hand held a fork with a piece of food in front of his face, looking at him very gently.

“Cake? In this dire time? Yeah, sure, why not? We’ll all die anyway.”

“Excuse me?”

“Lily and Vlad are getting married, that’s crazy. You’re probably going to stab me with that fork, and you and me, together, choosing the cake? This bakery is going to be on fire in about an hour.”

“You are being a bit too dramatic. I’m not going to stab you. We are friends.”

“We are not even friendly, Anya.”

“Rude, but okay. We can start now, do it for Lily and Vlad. This wedding has to be epic. Now, help me with the cake.”

And help with the cake he did.

Actually, choosing a cake was problematic. Too many option and at a certain point, every one of them tasted the same. In the end, it was Anastasia who chose the cake, because Dmitry, by the fifth option, was acting like a tired child who was shopping with their mom (and ‘childish’ was how Anya called him).

Spending the afternoon with Anya wasn’t as awful as he’d feared. They laughed a lot together, and he could almost forget that this was the same girl who terrorized him in his childhood. They ended up in a coffee shop near the bakery, and when it got late, Dmitry walked her home.

At night, when he was getting ready to get to bed, a text captured his attention “so…I thought that texting you would be a good idea, so the next days we can share experiences about the couple soon-to-be husband and wife”. He fell asleep with the phone in his hand and a smile in his face.

The few days before the wedding were a complete nightmare. Against all odds, Vlad became impossible to deal with. Nothing was perfect enough. The tailor, in Vlad’s words, made a “bufon of his tuxedo” and was probably not going to be ready for the day before the ceremony. They made about a trip per day to the place where the reception would be held, to watch how the people worked and to be sure that no one would do something stupid, like change the silverware or the color of the flowers.

Vlad was freaking out, and Dmitry was very jealous of Anastasia, because Lily was as calm as a glass of water. She took every imperfection with a laugh, and told Vlad to not worry, things would get fixed and tadá, she left with Anya behind her, hiding a smile.

“Vlad, you need to chill, man. This wedding is going to kill you.”

“I know. I’m getting emotional.”

“Then relax, everything is going to be ok.”

“I’m going to take a deep breath and I’m going to go to my happy place. Where there’s people who listen to my orders and… Look at those tablecloths Dmitry, they are orange! not red! This is a disaster.”

Vlad didn’t chill. Actually, he became more insufferable everyday.

When the wedding day came, Dmitry was pretty sure that he was more anxious than Vlad himself. He spent the night at Vlad’s, so neither of them would be late for the big day. Besides, he could keep an eye on the man who drank a whole bottle of vodka the night before (maybe Dmitry stole a couple of sips too).

At the church, he bit his nails so much that his fingers started bleeding, and Anya gave him a furious look. She slapped his hand, murmuring something like “keep it together, Sudayev”.

The kiss was gross to look at, but it was normal for them, and Dmitry wasn’t even surprised about the public demonstration of affection. Then, the reception started.

On Dmitry’s opinion, this was the best part of everything. An open bar, loud music and plenty of food. His duties ended when he gave his speech. With a bit of luck, Vlad would end up crying, and with the amount of cellphones there, someone would take a picture or film a video of him, and he would have something to blackmail him with in the future.

He was having a couple of drinks when he saw Anya talking to a man who looked too serious to be in a wedding. Like, really who wears a military uniform to a wedding? he doesn’t have a normal suit? what a pretentious man. He probably thought that any woman here would fall at his feet because he looks so great in his uniform, with his tall posture and pretty face, why is Anya talking to him? She looked radiant and confident in her blue dress and high heels. At least, she waved at him when she saw him, and he raised his glass as a friendly greeting.

When he approached Lily and Vlad, the man looked at him seriously.

“Hey, who’s Anya talking to?”

“Some dude? I’ve never seen him before.”

“That’s her ex boyfriend, I honestly don’t know who invited him.” Lily’s words sounded pitiful, and Dmitry didn’t know why.

“Ex boyfriend? That’s messed up, she’s trying to make you jealous.”

“Jealous? I ain’t jealous! “

Of course he wasn’t jealous, how could he be? But looking at Anya, who now looked uncomfortable around her ex boyfriend, he thought he should maybe do something about it.

They were friends by now. Since that day at the bakery, they talked to each other every day and, to be honest, he was going to be sad when she had to leave to finish college, but she told him that when she finished her studies, she was going to come back. Dmitry could live with video calls until they saw each other again, and in the name of their newfound friendship, he drank his third glass of vodka and walked up straight to her, trying to look serious.

He just grabbed her hand, which, in retrospective, wasn't the most polite move. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

“What are you doing?”

“Sometimes you just gotta dance.” And even though Dmitry had two left feet, they spent the entire reception together.

In the end, Vlad cried during Dmitry’s speech.

When it was time to sit down and think about what he was going to say in the important day, Dmitry came to the only conclusion that he would have to open his heart and say all the things he took for granted in years.

So he talked about how, without Vlad, he would probably be in the streets by now, or he could be a thief or something worse. He gave him an education, a home and love, and those are things that he will be always grateful for. He also talked about how he doesn’t remember his father, but Vlad did an exemplary job with him, helping him with his homework and telling him bedtime stories. And, for Lily, she was the closest maternal figure in his live even when she was always messing with his hair, telling him to cut it, and he was pretty sure that Vlad paid her to be with him but he was not going to judge her.

He made Anya record the whole thing so he could watch the olds man’s every reaction later. He held Anya’s hand when Vlad and Lily had their first dance as a married couple, and they may or may not have shared a kiss (or more than one) in some dark corner when the alcohol ran out and everyone was leaving.

When Anastasia left for Paris, she promised him that when she came back, they were going to have a long sober talk. And honestly, he couldn’t wait for it.

[lynyrdwrites]

kc + "I could just pull your bikini bottoms to the side, no one would even notice.“ !!!

As you read this, remember I am not sober. Blame all mistakes on that. Timing would fall somewhere in  S3 or 4.

---

“You know, I don’t think creepy old men were our targetaudience for this.”

              Klausraised a brow  and leaned against theside of his car as Caroline strode  up tohim.  She clutched a soap covered rag inone hand, and didn’t seem to notice that it dripped down her front as shecrossed her arms and frowned at him. Klaus found the drops that trailed down bared skin, towards the daisy dukes that she wore  over her bikini bottoms.  It took her a moment to realize where his eyes were focused, but when she did, she narrowedher own in reply.

              “Why areyou here, Klaus?” Caroline  demanded, arather delicious flush rising high on her cheeks, when he just grinned  at her and didn’t offer any apologies forwhere his gaze had ventured.

              “To havemy car washed, of course, Love,” Klaus replied easily.  He tossed his keys towards her, and Caroline dropped the rag in her attempt tocatch them.  She huffed  angrily, and knelt down to grab it,continuing to glare at him.  “And if yourintended customer base wasn’t… ah… creepyold men, was it?  - then you perhaps shouldhave made an announcement.

              Caroline  turned to look at the vehicles currently beingwashed, and let out a  weary  sigh of acknowledgement.

              “Theytip really well,” she admitted grudgingly. “Even if it is… really gross.”

              “Perhapsyou should let Bekah know that murder doesn’t help  with profit,” Klaus observed  wryly,  whenhis sister  looked ready to  tear out the throat of a  particularly old, particularly vocal customermade a crude comment.  Luckily,  the cheer squad’s advising teacher stepped in  to send the man away with a thinly veiledthreat  to tell his  wife about his behaviour.

              “I hatethis fundraiser,” Caroline admitted, a rare  moment  of  honesty.  Klaus looked at  her, and she shrugged uncomfortably.  “Itmakes us our bet profits, though.  I can’tbeat the spreadsheets!”

              Shehanded Klaus’ keys off to another cheerleader, which Klaus found rather disappointing.  He found his gaze  following her constantly as she moved from groupto group, occasionally stepping in to smooth issues out.  Even once his car hadbeen cleaned,  he remained, findinghimself making eye contact with the  menthat would cause a  fuss,  with teeth that would look just a little toosharp.

              How the  mighty fell – the most powerful creature on earth,playing silent guardian to  group of cheerleaders of all the  things.

              Morethan that, when Caroline  wound up soakedfrom head to toe, courtesy of his own sister, he found himself an uncomfortable guardian.  She discarded her shorts, leaving all of thatgloriously sun kissed skin bare to  the world,and Klaus drank it in eagerly.

              It  was testament to how far he had fallen, when he  found himself carrying the cash boxafter  her as she headed into  the school to hide it away for deposit onMonday.  Rebekah smirked at him, asthough she found it to be some grand joke, but  a middle aged man whoCaroline obviously knew rather well had offered his assistance, and the look onhis face  when Caroline looked away saidclearly why he wished to help.

              PerhapsCaroline  was a vampire…  but wasn’t Klaus doing his community duty byensuring the local Head Cheerleader didn’t have to  compel a classmates father into submission?

              “I don’tget why you’re doing this,” Caroline stated as she unlocked a classroom andmotioned Klaus to enter.  “Even if Mr.Fell did try to get handsy, I couldhave dealt with him even without the vampire thing.”

              “You knew…of course you knew.  I take it he’s aregular customer?”

              “Every  year. I could set my watch by his arrivaltime.”  Caroline leaned  against the wall next to the door and watchedKlaus put the cash box away.  “But…thank-you. It was nice, not having to worry about him for once.”

              Klauslet out a  heavy sigh, and looked at herwearily.

              “Youreally shouldn’t have thanked me,  Love.I’m not really doing you any favors.”

              When hetugged Caroline into his arms and sealed his lips over  hers, he expected the kiss to be  fast. A quick taste, before she shoved himaway and called him evil and declared her eternal hatred.

              He did not expect her lips to part beneath his,or her hands to slide into his hair. She tugged almost sharply as she pulled her body flush to his.  Klaus ran his hands along the bare skin ofher  sides, and held her against him byher hips. His chest rumbled happily, and Caroline pulled back to look at him with befuddlement.

              “Are youpurring?”

              “I’mpart werewolf, Caroline. Werewolvesdon’t purr.  They growl. Happily.”

              She hadthe gall to laugh at him,  and  in return, Klaus backed  her up to the desk at the front  of the room and lifted her  onto it.  When he went to his  knees, Caroline’slaughter halted.

              “Woah,wait…what do you think you’re doing? Anyone could come at, like, any time.”

              “I couldjust pull your bikini bottoms to the side. No one would even notice.”

              “Your  head would be between my legs! I think they’dnotice!”

              “Hmmm,”Klaus considered  her with a wickedgrin.  “I suppose they will. Well… I  suppose you should start hoping no one comessearching.”

              True tohis  word, Klaus tugged the bikinibottoms aside.   He danced the fingers ofhis free hand along the inside of her thigh and gave her a long, slow lick thatended with the swirl of his tongue around her clit.

              Carolinetugged his hair again and let out a hiss.

              “Careful,Love. If you make too many noises, you’ll draw that attention you’re so worriedabout.”

              “Shut.Up. And do that swirl thing again.”

              Just tobe contrary, Klaus chose to delve his fingers inside of her instead,  hooking them slightly to find herg-spot.  Caroline didn’t seem inclined toargue against the act.  

              Heturned his mouth to her clit once more, still working his fingers inside ofher, and Caroline’s hungry pants and desperate little noises soon had  Klaus worked up into his own state ofdesperation.

              “Weshould  lock the door,” Caroline said asKlaus straightened and unzipped his jeans, releasing his cock with a his  of relief. “That would be the logical thing.”

              Shestroked him as she spoke, a sure sign that logic wasn’t particularly on the topof her mind.  

              “Caroline,if I’m to close the door, you’ll have to release me.”

              “Uh…”she looked at the door and bit her lip, wrinkling her nose incontemplation.  “I… fuck it.”

              Klauswasn’t sure he had ever been so relieved to hear two word. He clutched herthighs, fingers digging in as he thrust into her.

              Shefelt  as good as he’d imagined she would,those rare nights when he actually slept and found himself haunted by fantasiesof her.   He didn’t move for severalmoments, simply savoring the moment.  Shefinally moved her hips restlessly and dug her fingernails into his shoulders.

              “Are yougoing to move? Or has no-”

              Whateversnarky comment she meant to follow the question with was lost when  Klaus moved, pulling back and then thrustingagain. Caroline’s eyes went hazy, and when she would have let  her head fall back, he released  the hold of one of  his hands so he  could grasp her chin softly.

              “Eyes onme, Caroline,” he growled out, resting his forehead on her.  He heard her swallow, but she didn’t try tolook away again.

              “Oh, God…Klaus,” she hissed, her eyes closing for a moment. He nipped her lip, and hereyes shot open again. Her lips curled into a snarly, and she tugged him in tokiss him again.

              Klaus’thrusts continued, increasing in pace as they both  began to feel the pleasure  build.Caroline had curled her legs around his waist, and as they got closer to the edge,they found their  position changed,  as Klaus actually joined her on the desk.

              The lastfew minutes were fast and hard, and their eyes stayed on each other as Caroline’slegs tightened around him, her heels digging almost painfully into his ass ashe came.  After another two thrusts,Klaus joined her, his fingers leaving gouges in the desk.

              “You’re goingto have to fix that,” Caroline said, gasping for breath she hadn’t needed sinceturning, but sex with Klaus seemed to have made her forget that.

              “Theschool can fix it,” Klaus replied, earning himself  rolled eyes.

              He wasn’tsure what she might have said next, because they both heard the door to theschool open, and Klaus found   himself unceremoniouslyshoved to  the floor.  Caroline straightened her bikini as he shovedhimself to his feet.

              “So, we’reto ignore this, are we?” he asked Caroline as she strode towards the hall.  She paused at the doorway, almost  as if with indecision.

              “Yes,”she said at last.

              Klauswaited until he heard her talking to whoever had come into the school. Then helooked at his scratch marks on the desk and let a slow  smirk curve his lips.

              “I don’tthink I will.”

              He didn’tspeak loudly, but he heard a catch in the way Caroline spoke that said she hadheard him.

Send me smut prompts and I might write it... maybe

[chemicallyx]

So a lot has happened since my last post everyone! Of those many things, some of which I will have to reveal at a later date, I was able to get out and have a somewhat impromptu trip to New York City, New York! The reason? To attend the U.S. Career Forum there, which is a career event oriented toward people with Japanese & English language abilities and interests. So for those of you who might be coming back to the US and want to pursue jobs in the US or in Japan with Japanese companies, this is for you!

Heading out

So this was the first leg of the trip. I bussed down to Boston South Station on the Concord Coach Line – which is pretty nice. If you’re heading up to Maine I’d recommend it. And if you’re ever having to linger around Boston SS and you need a snack or something, don’t feel like you have to stay in the bus station, which has limited options. My boyfriend recommended popping over to the train station next door because there are many more options available for whatever you may need – coffee and snack for me – and it was good advice. I felt better grabbing something at Au Bon Pain than I did at McDonalds. D:

After that I made the switch to a Peter Pan bus that would go to the NY Port Authority bus station. This… was not so nice. The drive down was good, but their buses are really not in good shape. The most vexing part was really only that none of the outlets were functioning on the bus, and I knew I was going to need my phone for navigation in New York so I wouldn’t just be that lost tourist.. A word to the wise: conserve your battery on the way down. Also, the bus was incredibly noisy – lots of parts seemed like they were shaking loose there.

And maybe par for the course for a Friday afternoon arrival, but we were scheduled to arrive at the Port Authority station at 1:45pm. When did we arrive? 3:30pm… Thank you gridlock New York traffic! I started to wonder why anyone even bothers to drive there.. more on that later.

That being said, we were on the bus for too long!! But the bright side is we drove all the way around Central Park in the process, which I wanted to see. 🙂 It looked really cool – the scenic views were what kept me from losing my noggin in the middle of that lengthy bus arrival. From just outside the city all the way in, it was very, very New York. Up until now I didn’t know what that meant when other people said that, but now I do. So metropolitan, everything that everyone was doing just seemed like a natural, normal thing to do. I don’t know. Maybe if you’ve been you’ll know what I’m talking about.

One key observation that I had early on that persisted throughout my impromptu trip involved a pretty high level of horn honking. As a person who was once told that my ‘laugh point was low,’ it was pretty amusing, and no matter where I went in the city I heard fair amounts of horn honking. I think if you live there it becomes more like background noise and you notice less, but I definitely noticed it as an “outsider.” That being said, it certainly did not detract from the ambience of the city life – rather, it enhanced it! There’s no illusion when you’re lulled to sleep by occasional horn honks.

Anyway, to continue my tale, the first thing I had to do – well, second – was eat. I was starving after being on that bus for hours. So I went to Go! Go! Curry, which I found while Googling food on the bus, and I chose it because it wasn’t too far from the station. So I popped in there and ate ravenously.

  Go! Go! Curry…

gone.

It seemed like most of the clientele was male, probably because of all the carbs involved, but I had no shame. I hadn’t eaten in like 6 hours! And it was pretty delicious.

Since it was in the area and the theme of my journey seemed to be ‘Japan,’ I decided to pop into the NY Kinokuniya, which is right across from a nice park and a subway stop. I walked through some of the fashion district to get there and it was pretty scenic. My history of watching Project Runway found me excited to be in such close proximity to Mood, lol. But I pressed on to Kinokuniya because it is so natsukashii (なつかしい）. I really long for some of the things I miss about Japan, being away from it and all. So I took myself in there and grabbed a book for my boyfriend, checked out a few more, longed for a wonderful bookstore such as Kinokuniya where I live, and then decided to head to my hotel digs.

I want this book

and this book!!

So I got on the subway. Now I’ve heard a lot of things about the NY Subway (thanks 30 Rock), so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I had to experience it right? I had bought a Metro Pass at the Hudson News in the Port Authority – a 4-rider – and used that to get on. I was in subway mode with my headphones and I stood most of the way. Nothing strange really happened, except a small kid came onto the subway selling snacks. When there were no takers he quickly moved to the next car. Other than that one occurrence though, nothing really happened at all. So I felt like the myth was busted. Rode down to Delaney St. and exited toward Essex St. above ground. I was in the Lower East Side, which was another thing I had to get used to on the journey – the Boroughs!! I was like which is where? half the time. Pretty handy to check out a map and try to remember though because subway signs say things like ‘Toward Uptown,” “Toward Downtown,” or “Toward Brooklyn,” and unless you know which area your destination is in, those signs aren’t exactly helpful.

The Digs + Lower East Side

Anywho, I walked myself a couple blocks down to the Blue Moon Hotel. You can find my Booking.com review here. It’s great value for the money if you’re willing to be a little far from you need to be. Lower East Side seems to be in a hopping area with a lot of night life, which makes sense when you consider it’s near NYU, so there isn’t a shortage of things to do.

I took a shower immediately because I felt gross after being out in public that long, you know the feeling. After I jumped out I was better able to appreciate the digs.

Speaking of things to do, while I felt pretty tired from the ride and the walking, not to mention I still felt I had a little prep left to do for some of my interviews the next day, I made myself go out to get a quick bite & drink. I went all the way to NYC so I should enjoy it right? was my line of reasoning. I stumbled across Goa Taco, and let me tell ya, I love tacos, so I went in.

I got a spicy margarita and a pork belly taco. It. Was. Delicious. goa taco is totally happening – there isn’t a lot of seating area but I liked the crew’s vibe and the shop was playing hip, current music, so it felt very New York and I enjoyed sitting there eating for a bit, watching people come and go. That spicy margarita though…. delicious. If you stop in and are of age, you HAVE to get one. I love a marg, but this one way exceeded expectations. 🙂

I headed back to the hostel/hotel, jumped in my bunk, did a little bit of prep, and went to sleep. I knew I’d have an early morning so I had to get my intelligence (and beauty) sleep…

U.S. Career Forum NY

So the next day I set out pretty early. And of course the best way to start my day is with a nice little breakfast snack and an amazing cup of coffee.

Lucky for me, Irving Farm Coffee Roasters cafe was right down the street from Blue Moon. I had know about this shop before because of a bit of a connection through my boyfriend’s family, so I was really excited to find it right next door basically. I was even more elated to find out how delicious their dark roast pour over and baked goods were!

The scenes

and the eats!

It was a pretty refreshing breakfast. That was a piece of raspberry banana bread by the way, and it was AMAZING. I was in the first rush of customers who were approaching just as the doors opened on Saturday at 8 AM.

And yup, I was wearing a suit. Japanese style. That’s in the Blue Moon elevator right there.

So anyway I jumped on the subway after this, and shortly came to realize that the subway is definitely less reliable on weekends than it is weekdays, and it is a point that a friend of mine who lives in New York now reiterated to me later. So if you find yourself in the city rushing somewhere, it could be faster to take a Lyft or something, depending on the time of day. Just something to keep in mind.

Lucky for me though I had a lot of time. The doors of CF open at 10 am and the event ran until 5 pm, with a short 5-6 pm happy hour following. So I got off at the closest stop, which was Penn Station and walked for 15 minutes or so to the Javits Center. It was further than I anticipated, but it was good to get some exercise.

For many people, you may not have to arrive at the Career Forum as soon as it opens, but if you’ve scheduled a lot of interviews in advance using their website or via email, you’ll likely be putting in a whole day. I certainly did. I had 4 interviews lined up and a lot of resumes prepared to hand out to all the different booths along the way. Really your effort in advance and the day of makes the experience for you, so I think it’s well worth the time put in ahead of time to have things arranged and lined up for you once you arrive.

Part of what precipitated my journey was also that I received/was approved for the travel scholarship down to the event. They’ll give you a reimbursement based on where you’re coming from to hopefully offset the costs involved with going down. So even if you aren’t sure you’ll get it it is worth a shot to apply. I didn’t think I would get it and I did! So that’s what helped me decide to go down.

All in all I think it was a useful event for me to really see where I want to end up. I’m kind of at a nexus point in my career, so I want to make sure the next step I take is the right one, and being able to go to this really helped me realign my compass so to speak. I think it can help others too, so it’s well worth going to one of these events.

After Career Forum

So after Career Forum I had plans to meet up with a friend from university and we had a blast. She’s been living there for going on 7 years now, so she knows a lot about NYC. So we checked out a couple awesome places. The first being sake bar decibel.

Sorry the photos are a little blurry, but it was dark! It was a pretty awesome place. We had some delicious food, and they had amazing sake! It was an excellent place and we stayed there for a while just chatting and catching up. Eventually we ran the clock though and had to order more or scoot, so we decided to scoot.

We walked around for a bit to decide what to do next, and we ended up heading to a place she knew about called Angel’s Share, which is located through a discreet door inside of a Japanese restaurant called Village Yokocho. It’s a speakeasy concept so it’s one of those ‘secret’ locations, but even though it’s secret, it was pretty popular, lol! It’s like that everywhere I feel with speakeasies once the word gets out. But if you get the chance, I highly recommend stopping in. Their cocktails were out of this world….

That’s something that I think is pretty impressive. The level of NYC cocktails is off the chart. I though some of Portland’s restaurants put together some awesome cocktails, but the NYC game is pretty strong. So if you’re interested in sampling and are of age, it’s something definitely worth looking into. Just any cocktail bar will probably be amazing, but Angel’s Share was pretty much the best I’ve had yet. It was a tequila-based drink with burdock-infused mezcal. I don’t recall the name of the drink, but think about those components alone! Pretty amazing.

So my friend and I continued chatting for a while and enjoying our adult beverages and we were considering doing karaoke, but I’m just too old – hahaha! So we went to our respective homes and I got back at about 2:30 am (which is a stretch for me nowadays, lol). I knew I had an early morning (8:30 am return bus), so I showered ASAP and got in bed. I decided to grab a Lyft the next morning to make sure I made my bus in time. I was exhausted with the whirlwind trip, but since it was my first time in NY I was glad to do it. I think everyone should go check it out. Really  it seems like a place where anyone can belong, and I think that’s one of the best parts about the city. It was great to feel that vibe for a weekend. Needless to say, I made it back to Maine safely and in better time than the way down, which was a huge relief.

Did my journey get you curious about New York? Send me a message or comment below and I’m happy to share my impressions or more info about Career Forum. 🙂 Until next time!

A Spontaneous Journey to NYC So a lot has happened since my last post everyone! Of those many things, some of which I will have to reveal at a later date, I was able to get out and have a somewhat impromptu trip to New York City, New York!

[modestmondays]

one of the most important money-makers for kid-centered media is merchandise, right? so i do wonder about this. because as far as i can tell, su is genuinely very popular and is consistently one of the most talked about shows on online platforms like tumblr, but the thing is, i don’t know if that’s true for the product-selling side of it. for some perspective - i live in norway. there are some cartoons you *cannot* avoid in nerd stores, like adventure time. at first i thought maybe su was "too

new” to have that status, but now that’s happened to rickand morty, which is newer in terms of being “big” online. so i wondered aboutdemographics - maybe rick & morty is more popular among the “typical” nerdy+ gamer demographic (teen boys) - but i visited america and saw that actually,there IS a lot of su merch being prominently sold, so i wonder two things: isthere any way to know whether the su merch is doing *well*, and is there anyway to know whether it’s doing well *internationally*?

as popular as su is in the US, i’m not sure whether that’strue elsewhere (and i’ve heard that that actually matters to CN US, and is partof why they still have certain shows that aren’t huge ‘talkers’ nationally, butsell merch and do well elsewhere). i certainly love SU, but from what i can tell,it’s not… actually a household name among nerds here, and it’s hard to findany merch… so i do wonder if being big in america and online is enough,though i agree there aren’t warning signs yet

I was actually in Denmark recently for a cousin’s BarMitzvah, and I can anecdotally confirm that Rick and Morty is waaaay morepopular in your part of the world than I expected, although kids there had heard of StevenUniverse too. The Szechuan Sauce nonsense shows that R&M already has a strongUS fanbase as well. I think the US R&M fanbase is a bit older, it’s not reallya “for kids” show here. But either way, it’s certainly a closer fit for the nerdy/gamerdemographic than SU is, on both sides of the Atlantic. I’d expect to findR&M stuff at comic book stores, Gamestop, that kind of place. And whilethose places may have SU comics/toys, I think you find more SU merch at Barnes &Noble, Hot Topic, and other non-geek stores.

I’m definitely seeing a lot of SU merch here, and it feels likethe quantity and scope are both increasing (strongly suggesting that salesnumbers are good), which is a big part of why I’m not worried about thefinancial future of the show. But it’s interesting that you’re not seeing thatinternationally.

edit: this got really long, so I’ll put the rest under a cut.

I tried to do some research. The CN website was totallyunhelpful because it has zero business info, just stuff for the target audience,which is kids (although I did see that the volleyball game is finally up!), and moving up thecorporate chain to Turner didn’t help, since CN is too small a part of theirbusiness to get much press.

But some more searching took me to http://www.licensemag.com/license-globalwhich was more helpful. Here’s some CN articles/press releases that I foundinteresting. I’ll pull out some key highlights.

http://www.licensemag.com/license-global/cartoon-network-has-something-everyone(June 2016)

A big push for CNE moving forward will also be for theseries “Steven Universe.” Created by Rebecca Sugar, “StevenUniverse” follows the misadventures of Steven, the ultimate “littlebrother” to a team of magical guardians of humanity–the Crystal Gems–asthey band together to save the universe.

The series premiered on Cartoon Network in November 2013,but now is beginning to be supported by more robust offerings at retail.

“We’ve seen a huge pick up for ‘Steven Universe,’”says Yoder. “It’s one of those brands that has always rated reallywell–there is such a rich mythology within the storytelling–but it just took alittle longer for fans to really get to know the characters.”

According to CNE, theseries is a top performer on the network, coming in as the top grossing seriesper episode, and will now be expanded with a consumer product program.(emphasis mine)

Twenty-five-plus licensees have been tapped to expand thebrand to accessories (Accutime, Buckle-Down, Hot Properties and HighIntenCity), apparel (Bioworld, Underboss and Mighty Fine), gaming (USAopoly),home décor (Surreal Entertainment and the Northwest Company), novelty toys(A&A Global Industries, Funko, Just Toys International, Phat Mojo, ToyFactor and Zag Toys), costumes (Rubie’s Costume Co.) and more.

CNE will also leverage show creator Sugar for a publishingprogram with Penguin, and Boom! Studios will launch comic books and graphicnovels.

The products will sit at mid-tier retailers and hit shelvesin time for back-to-school, with stores such as Kohl’s, J.C. Penney and Searssigned on for inventory. Yoder says the program will expand to mass retailersand reach further into the kids’ demographic next year.

http://www.licensemag.com/license-global/cartoon-network-energizing-evergreens(February 2017)

“The network has done a great job not just saying that wecreate multi-platform content, but actually doing it,” adds Yoder, who has beena member of the CNE team since 2006 and reports to Cartoon Network presidentChristina Miller. “We are giving our fans true multi-platform experiences, sowhile we are creating linear content, we are also offering additional contentspecific for CN apps as well as evaluating how we expand with SVODopportunities and how we support kids creating their own content.”

As Cartoon Network is responding to the changing dynamics oflinear television and kids’ viewing habits, the network is still deliveringstrong ratings and viewership, which bodes well for its brand licensing group.

CNE is a well-recognized global licensor, ranked No. 30 inthe world, according to the Top 150 Global Licensors Report published annuallyby License Global, reporting $2 billion in retail sales of licensed merchandiseworldwide.

While the challenges facing the rapidly changing traditionalkids’ TV sector have been well-documented, Cartoon Network has several keypoints of differentiation, including a well-established audience, the abilityto promote its shows, development of content across different platforms andstrong evergreen properties.

http://www.licensemag.com/license-global/portfolio-programs(July 15, 2017)

“The idea of putting together long-term portfolio dealscame about rather organically,” says Christina Miller, vice president ofconsumer products, Cartoon Network Enterprises, which has inked multi-propertydeals with Mattel, Hallmark, and to a lesser degree, FunKo Toys.

According to Miller, “There were two primary reasons wechose to explore this strategy. First, Mattel and Hallmark are leading licenseesin their respective fields, and we have solid relationships with each.Secondly, our shows receive a good deal of cross-viewership, so kids who watch'Fosters’ are likely to stay and watch 'Billy & Mandy,’ and so forth. Wedecided, rather than spend time looking for individual licensees for eachproperty, it would be more efficient to have a single company developingproduct for all properties that target ages 6 to 11.”

Not to mention, she adds, “it fosters a strong creativerelationship between our creators and artists and their design teams.”

Hallmark’s vice president of licensing acquisitions, KarenMitchell-Layton, agrees, adding, “The multi-year, multi-propertyarrangement will allow us to spend time and creative energy in not onlycreating products for today, but also to take an innovative approach as thecharacters and storylines evolve.” Under its agreement with CartoonNetwork, Hallmark now holds the exclusive licensing rights in the U.S. andCanada for a range of everyday and seasonal social expression products,including greeting cards and party-supply items. “Social expressions is anincredibly extensive category,” says Miller, “so we’d like to spendmore time on the creative and less on making multiple deals, which ultimately willlead to better, more sophisticated products. Similarly, the Mattel deal coversmultiple toy and games categories including vehicles, action figures, playsets,roleplay, board games, puzzles, and youth electronic items.” While Mattelnow has a first-look option on all newly created original series andprogramming, Miller is quick to point out that existing relationships such asBandai’s master toy deal for “Ben 10” will remain untouched.

http://www.licensemag.com/license-global/cartoon-network-bolsters-experiential-initiatives(October 2017)

It takes more than great content to create a devoted fanbase, and Cartoon Network is putting fandom front and center to keep fansdeeply engaged with its properties.

“At a corporate level, Turner has put fandom veryfirmly in the center of our global strategy. We don’t talk about audiencesanymore, we talk about fans and fandom,” says Johanne Broadfield, vicepresident, Cartoon Network Enterprises EMEA, a part of Turner Entertainment.“For the past 18 months, we’ve been all about a 360-degree brandexperience.”

Putting fans at the heart of the business ups a property’sgame by fueling growth and fan commitment. In creating a foundation based onstrong core content, Cartoon Network is building its brands out to engage fanson a deeper level with a wide and varied set of temporary and permanentexperiences.

“We’re creating authentic, personal experiencesspecifically designed for fans of each brand to interact with the properties innew and unique ways,” says Broadfield.

Far from a one-size-fits-allapproach, Broadfield says the company is designing experiences tailored to eachbrand and its retail partners so that activations are meaningful and connectwith fans in a personal way.

Some analysis:

First, I don’t know how much to read into the lack of SUmentions in the later articles. It may not be one of the top sellers, but thatdoesn’t mean it’s doing poorly. “Top grossing series per episode” sounds prettygood, although they did see it as slower to grow on the merchandise side. Theymay be going for a similar slow burn internationally? I know the dubs arepretty far behind in some countries, and especially for younger kids, they’regoing to need the show in their native language. This would also hit stuff likecomics and books pretty hard. The Answer is a wonderful kid’s book, but it’sonly available in English.

Second, it looks like a lot of the licensing agreements areboth broad and exclusive, so if some of those retailers are US-only, so is themerch. Are Hot Topic or Funko international things? If not, then some of thetoys and clothing won’t be available—which exacerbates the previous problem,since toys and clothes could otherwise be sold to kids who aren’t nativeEnglish speakers with no trouble.

It seems like app and mobile tie-ins are a big part of theirholistic approach, and SU seems to be fine on that front. There’s hugeengagement from the fans across multiple platforms, although I’m not sure how much of that is from kids.

The last part, about unique fan experiences, made me thinkof Estelle’s “Stronger Than You” performance at SDCC. They went all out withthat one, giving out “Made of Love” t-shirts, reserving and decorating the stage, and gettinga huge crowd of fans together. They gave away more of those promotionalt-shirts during the panel at NYCC, too. I think they realize that the SU marketis there, and they’re doing a good job of engaging with us, even though we mostlyaren’t “boys age 6-11”.

Demographics may be a challenge, since CN was, up until recently,all about the boy’s programming (old Turner press releases emphasize thatsuccess). They’re branching out into other target demographics with shows like the PPG reboot or R&M, but it may beharder to nail down the SU fanbase into an easy target demographic. But they’re finding various ways to “engage” us(read: sell us stuff we want), and I hope that’ll continue.

I guess that didn’t really answer your questions, but hopefully it’s interesting anyway! It might be possible to get more specific sales data by reading SEC filings or calling them, but I don’t want to do that.

[shareyoursmile]

True Concessions: Our Movie-Snacking Behaviors, Ex...

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True Concessions: Our Movie-Snacking Behaviors, Ex...

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[Illustrations: Vivian Kong]

Serious Eats staffers work very closely together, if not always in the same room—but, as in all healthy long-term relationships, we somehow still manage to surprise each other, in good ways, bad ways, and purely head-scratching ways. A very long and aggrieved Slack thread unspooled once we discovered some potentially embarrassing gaps in each other’s eating histories: Until recently, Stella had never eaten a classic NYC bacon, egg, and cheese, and Niki was unclear on the proper use of a Panera-style bread bowl. The revelation that, despite repeated admonishments on this very site, only a few of us actually owned a mortar and pestle prompted similar outrage (from Kenji, at least).

One of the latest rabbit holes of confession and mock shaming we threw ourselves down revolved around our respective movie snacks of choice—not just the specific items we like to munch on in the theater, but where we get those snacks from, and whether we even snack at all. If that doesn’t sound like something to get all worked up about—well, it isn’t, but that’s never stopped us before. It turns out that we, and perhaps all moviegoers, divide pretty neatly into four distinct camps, with very little crossover: those who buy the typical popcorn, boxed candy, and big sodas at the theater’s concession stand; those who don’t eat at the movies, period (really!); those who sneak in their own modest, easily hidden snacks; and those who make a point of smuggling in the biggest or messiest or otherwise most outlandish spreads they can muster. (Of course, “outlandish” is a relative term—one of us seemed surprised to learn that a bottle of Champagne qualified.) Since it’s Oscar season, a time when lots of us try to cram in as many theater outings as possible, we figured we’d take the opportunity to share the shocking results of our internal survey.

The Sushi Smuggler

Growing up, I thought the phrase “dinner and a movie” was actually “dinner at the movies.” Sure, we’d occasionally sneak in traditional snacks, like cheesy popcorn and cans of soda, but if the movie happened to coincide with a mealtime, we packed accordingly. My family’s go-to movie theater dinner was sushi—something I didn’t contemplate much at the time, but I now see it as a stroke of unparalleled genius on my parents’ part. A prepackaged roll combo is, without doubt, the Platonic ideal of a stealthy movie theater meal.

Before you roll (no pun intended) your eyes, consider the following: It’s compact, and thus easy to hide at the bottom of a purse; it’s sufficiently odorless to avoid attracting attention or offending your neighbors’ sensibilities; it is, if properly selected, devoid of any crunch, making it a virtually silent, interruption-free dining experience; the pieces are bite-size and therefore can be eaten with your hands, minimizing the potential mess of eating, say, noodles, in the dark; and it’s a cinch to clean up and dispose of without attracting notice as you exit the theater. (I should add that I’ve also been known to bring along a cleverly concealed bottle of wine to wash things down.) My husband finds the whole sushi/sneaking-in-food thing gross and embarrassing, so these days we tend to go to theaters that actually serve all sorts of fancy food and alcoholic beverages above board. But, as the saying goes, when the cat’s away, the mouse goes to the movies and stuffs her face with sushi. —Niki Achitoff-Gray, executive managing editor

The Cherry Picker

The rest of the Serious Eats team judged me pretty harshly on my pick, but I stand by it: fresh sweet cherries. Sure, they’re messier than other snacks, you have to have somewhere (that isn’t the theater floor) to spit out the pits, and they’re not what one would consider an indulgent snack, but I’m hooked. A, they’re delicious. B, the act of eating them takes some time, so they last longer than the popcorn you mindlessly shovel into your mouth. C, they’re good for you! —Vicky Wasik, visual director

The Traditionalists

I’m not an avid movie theater–goer, but every so often, I will indulge in a little weekday-afternoon alone time in a near-empty, darkened room illuminated by brightly colored, flashing images, accompanied only by a bucket of ultra-fake-buttered and salted popcorn on one side and, on the other, a Coke in a giant plastic vessel that could fit a bathing infant. The expense I gladly eat, literally and financially, for the illicit thrill invoked by residual school-age guilt for “playing hooky” and doing something so luxurious and truant. Everyone’s gotta get their kicks somehow, right? —Marissa Chen, office manager

I have to start by saying that I’m a pretty fast movie-snack eater—so much so that when I was little, my dad would ration my popcorn by putting a handful in my lap at a time. Otherwise, it would be gone a few minutes after the previews. That said, as an adult, I am 100% dedicated to Milk Duds, and, while I hate paying for them, I do anyway. I know my colleagues may look upon my choices with disdain, but alas: I buy my Milk Duds at the concession stand, like a total sucker. Then I eat them all before the movie even starts. —Ariel Kanter, marketing director

I believe the majority of the fun of going to the movies is to hit up the concession stand. I’m that person who arrives 30 minutes early to stock up on overpriced cardboard boxes of Mike and Ike and Sour Patch Kids—because I’m convinced they taste better out of a box. I’ve broken up with boyfriends solely because they took the thrifty route and chose to buy snacks at the bodega across the street instead. However, I’m a strict non-eater once the movie actually starts—the snacks are all about the pregame, to nosh on while watching the previews and side eye–ing anyone who tries to snag the seats in front of me. —Sohla El-Waylly, assistant culinary editor

I love movies, but more than that, I love the experience of going to the theater. It’s not just that it offers me an excuse to opt out of social media and email for a few hours, nor is it really about the superior picture and sound (even a basic theater is better than my garage-turned-den). It’s not just the excitement of seeing a brand-new release, and it’s definitely not about sitting with fellow theater-goers (thanks, guy sitting next to me during Black Panther who felt compelled to read every single piece of on-screen text out loud). It’s about one thing, or rather, one greasy bag of many things: movie theater popcorn. I’m attracted to the smell of diacetyl and coconut fat—the secret combination of artificial flavorings that produces that distinct movie theater aroma—like my daughter, Alicia, is attracted to the dogs’ water bowl. I can make all the promises to myself I want about saving room for dinner, but those promises go out the window as soon as I step through those doors. My feet start heading for the concession stand, and the rest of my body has no choice but to follow.

This is not a secret. Movie theater popcorn is my go-to comfort food. That I get to watch a film every time I eat it is just the icing on the cake (or the diacetyl on the kernels, perhaps). —J. Kenji López-Alt, chief culinary consultant

The Cheapskates

Listen. Just last night, I didn’t prepare before going to the movies. I am now out $13.95 for a medium popcorn and a bottle of water. This is the polar opposite of my M.O., which is to shamelessly sneak my own bag of popcorn and seltzer into the theater. My usual strategy is to pick a theater near a Trader Joe’s, so I can stop in and get a bag of cheddar cheese popcorn, or their insanely delicious Cornbread Crisps, and a Cranberry Clementine seltzer. And those crisps make a bomb vehicle for transporting your homemade chili to your mouth. Trust me. No local TJ’s? A bag of Buncha Crunch and a Sprite from the drugstore will do. —Kristina Bornholtz, social media editor

Like all right-thinking Americans, I was raised to believe that sneaking food into the movies is as natural and healthy as a long walk in the sunshine, and that buying concessions at the theater is for chumps. It helps that I’m not wild about popcorn and instead gravitate toward Junior Mints, Combos, and Raisinets, all of which are conveniently available at the Dollar Tree that’s a stone’s throw from our default movie theater in Atlanta (and you know that location isn’t an accident). And, while I’ve never ventured to smuggle anything more elaborate than a deli sandwich into an indoor cinema, no rules of restraint apply when we visit the Starlight Six Drive-In, a blessed local relic from another time, where summertime patrons regularly tote in full coolers of beer and Weber grills for a tailgate/movie night hybrid. —Miranda Kaplan, editor

You will rarely find me in a concession line: I’m too cheap for those overpriced goods, and too paranoid about candy-induced sugar highs. Not the biggest fan of popcorn, either; my junk food needs an edge. My ideal movie date involves a quick bodega trip beforehand, where I procure seltzer and—wait for it—pretzel M&M’s. That is my junk-food staple. I tell myself they aren’t as bad as regular M&M’s, and they hit my requirement for a savory/sweet combo. The seltzer is key, too—like clockwork, a pending movie stirs a deep thirst in me for carbonated water. Sitting through a movie whilst thirsty and hungry is my personal version of a horror film. —Natalie Holt, video producer

I’ve discovered that using your kid as a candy mule is the white lie of retail economy. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be an honest, upstanding citizen, like you. For most of my adult life, I either purchased popcorn or, more often, didn’t eat at all. But, once we got married, my wife started sneaking candy into the theaters to quell her sweet tooth and—well, I’m not turning down Twizzlers. Who would?

When we first started bringing our daughter to the movies, we’d casually present the goods after the previews. Now that she’s older, she’s part of the scam/effort. We have a perfect record of sneaking in candy because, really, is the high school kid ripping stubs while he checks out Instagram going to stop a seven-year-old and poke her coat? I load up on a package of some chocolate-covered nut, my wife keeps it classic with M&M’s, and my daughter’s the wild card—sometimes it’s gummy bears, or it could be Reese’s Pieces. —Sal Vaglica, equipment editor

If it were just me, I wouldn’t be eating anything. I’m too cheap to even glance at the outrageously priced concession stand items, and too lazy and bagless to smuggle snacks in. My significant other is often not bagless, however, so when we go together, we sneak all kinds of things in. My favorite is the massive, Costco-sized bag of M&M’s: easy, clean, delicious. The most memorable snack we’ve ever brought was a full bag of Hurricane popcorn, which technically we smuggled all the way from Hawaii. The Li Hing–flavored version is vibrantly red, and we did not bring napkins, which made for a messy-fingered second half of the movie. Totally worth it, but word of advice: No matter what you bring, prep for the mess. —Tim Aikens, front-end developer

The Takeout Taker-Inner

When we were—well, I won’t say kids, since I was old enough to drive, but…younger than we are today, my brother and I were notorious for sneaking Chinese takeout into the movie theater. I’m talking pot stickers, egg rolls, spicy noodles, kung pao tofu, scallion pancakes, the works. We’d just stuff all the containers inside this gargantuan yellow puffer coat he had (ah, the ’90s), using it like an insulated pizza-delivery bag. As it turns out, those iconic Chinese takeout containers are just the right size to nestle down into a movie theater cup holder, so we’d set up a little buffet using four consecutive arm rests. Chopsticks made it easy to eat in the dark, and we’d pass the containers between us during brightly lit scenes.

In warmer weather, lacking the proper outerwear for smuggling, we’d stick to popcorn (extra “butter,” please) and Milk Duds. —Stella Parks, pastry wizard

The Killjoys

If I could ban all eating in movie theaters, I would. I don’t want to hear some sloppy-ass mofo smacking on popcorn in my ear when I’m trying to watch a movie. I’d give up all snacks for silence. All you movie-theater eaters can BURN IN HELL. (I have issues.) —Daniel Gritzer, managing culinary director

I’m cheap. I also don’t like candy. I’m not a big fan of popcorn, either. I smuggle in a water bottle, but then I drink from it only if I’m terribly, terribly parched, because the one thing I hate more than watching a movie in a packed theater is having to get up to go to the bathroom in a packed movie theater. Sometimes I’ll bring with me a small, smooth stone, which I will suck on from time to time, and sometimes swallow, if the movie is going long and I’m really bored. I’ve had that stone for 10 years now. —Sho Spaeth, features editor

I’m almost always on the do-not-eat team—I’d rather spend my $20 on better food before or after the movie (I see you, Battery Park Shake Shack!). But occasionally, I succumb and buy popcorn and a Coca-Cola Classic. Ideally, this happens at a theater with self-service “butter,” and, even more ideally, I’ll get a cardboard tray to help me shift the popcorn around, so I can properly spread said butter to the deepest reaches of the bag. —Paul Cline, developer

I only snack on chips and anything crunchy, but the sound of me munching distracts me from the movie. So, no snacks. —Vivian Kong, product designer

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True Concessions: Our Movie-Snacking Behaviors, Ex...

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[Illustrations: Vivian Kong]

Serious Eats staffers work very closely together, if not always in the same room—but, as in all healthy long-term relationships, we somehow still manage to surprise each other, in good ways, bad ways, and purely head-scratching ways. A very long and aggrieved Slack thread unspooled once we discovered some potentially embarrassing gaps in each other’s eating histories: Until recently, Stella had never eaten a classic NYC bacon, egg, and cheese, and Niki was unclear on the proper use of a Panera-style bread bowl. The revelation that, despite repeated admonishments on this very site, only a few of us actually owned a mortar and pestle prompted similar outrage (from Kenji, at least).

One of the latest rabbit holes of confession and mock shaming we threw ourselves down revolved around our respective movie snacks of choice—not just the specific items we like to munch on in the theater, but where we get those snacks from, and whether we even snack at all. If that doesn’t sound like something to get all worked up about—well, it isn’t, but that’s never stopped us before. It turns out that we, and perhaps all moviegoers, divide pretty neatly into four distinct camps, with very little crossover: those who buy the typical popcorn, boxed candy, and big sodas at the theater’s concession stand; those who don’t eat at the movies, period (really!); those who sneak in their own modest, easily hidden snacks; and those who make a point of smuggling in the biggest or messiest or otherwise most outlandish spreads they can muster. (Of course, “outlandish” is a relative term—one of us seemed surprised to learn that a bottle of Champagne qualified.) Since it’s Oscar season, a time when lots of us try to cram in as many theater outings as possible, we figured we’d take the opportunity to share the shocking results of our internal survey.

The Sushi Smuggler

Growing up, I thought the phrase “dinner and a movie” was actually “dinner at the movies.” Sure, we’d occasionally sneak in traditional snacks, like cheesy popcorn and cans of soda, but if the movie happened to coincide with a mealtime, we packed accordingly. My family’s go-to movie theater dinner was sushi—something I didn’t contemplate much at the time, but I now see it as a stroke of unparalleled genius on my parents’ part. A prepackaged roll combo is, without doubt, the Platonic ideal of a stealthy movie theater meal.

Before you roll (no pun intended) your eyes, consider the following: It’s compact, and thus easy to hide at the bottom of a purse; it’s sufficiently odorless to avoid attracting attention or offending your neighbors’ sensibilities; it is, if properly selected, devoid of any crunch, making it a virtually silent, interruption-free dining experience; the pieces are bite-size and therefore can be eaten with your hands, minimizing the potential mess of eating, say, noodles, in the dark; and it’s a cinch to clean up and dispose of without attracting notice as you exit the theater. (I should add that I’ve also been known to bring along a cleverly concealed bottle of wine to wash things down.) My husband finds the whole sushi/sneaking-in-food thing gross and embarrassing, so these days we tend to go to theaters that actually serve all sorts of fancy food and alcoholic beverages above board. But, as the saying goes, when the cat’s away, the mouse goes to the movies and stuffs her face with sushi. —Niki Achitoff-Gray, executive managing editor

The Cherry Picker

The rest of the Serious Eats team judged me pretty harshly on my pick, but I stand by it: fresh sweet cherries. Sure, they’re messier than other snacks, you have to have somewhere (that isn’t the theater floor) to spit out the pits, and they’re not what one would consider an indulgent snack, but I’m hooked. A, they’re delicious. B, the act of eating them takes some time, so they last longer than the popcorn you mindlessly shovel into your mouth. C, they’re good for you! —Vicky Wasik, visual director

The Traditionalists

I’m not an avid movie theater–goer, but every so often, I will indulge in a little weekday-afternoon alone time in a near-empty, darkened room illuminated by brightly colored, flashing images, accompanied only by a bucket of ultra-fake-buttered and salted popcorn on one side and, on the other, a Coke in a giant plastic vessel that could fit a bathing infant. The expense I gladly eat, literally and financially, for the illicit thrill invoked by residual school-age guilt for “playing hooky” and doing something so luxurious and truant. Everyone’s gotta get their kicks somehow, right? —Marissa Chen, office manager

I have to start by saying that I’m a pretty fast movie-snack eater—so much so that when I was little, my dad would ration my popcorn by putting a handful in my lap at a time. Otherwise, it would be gone a few minutes after the previews. That said, as an adult, I am 100% dedicated to Milk Duds, and, while I hate paying for them, I do anyway. I know my colleagues may look upon my choices with disdain, but alas: I buy my Milk Duds at the concession stand, like a total sucker. Then I eat them all before the movie even starts. —Ariel Kanter, marketing director

I believe the majority of the fun of going to the movies is to hit up the concession stand. I’m that person who arrives 30 minutes early to stock up on overpriced cardboard boxes of Mike and Ike and Sour Patch Kids—because I’m convinced they taste better out of a box. I’ve broken up with boyfriends solely because they took the thrifty route and chose to buy snacks at the bodega across the street instead. However, I’m a strict non-eater once the movie actually starts—the snacks are all about the pregame, to nosh on while watching the previews and side eye–ing anyone who tries to snag the seats in front of me. —Sohla El-Waylly, assistant culinary editor

I love movies, but more than that, I love the experience of going to the theater. It’s not just that it offers me an excuse to opt out of social media and email for a few hours, nor is it really about the superior picture and sound (even a basic theater is better than my garage-turned-den). It’s not just the excitement of seeing a brand-new release, and it’s definitely not about sitting with fellow theater-goers (thanks, guy sitting next to me during Black Panther who felt compelled to read every single piece of on-screen text out loud). It’s about one thing, or rather, one greasy bag of many things: movie theater popcorn. I’m attracted to the smell of diacetyl and coconut fat—the secret combination of artificial flavorings that produces that distinct movie theater aroma—like my daughter, Alicia, is attracted to the dogs’ water bowl. I can make all the promises to myself I want about saving room for dinner, but those promises go out the window as soon as I step through those doors. My feet start heading for the concession stand, and the rest of my body has no choice but to follow.

This is not a secret. Movie theater popcorn is my go-to comfort food. That I get to watch a film every time I eat it is just the icing on the cake (or the diacetyl on the kernels, perhaps). —J. Kenji López-Alt, chief culinary consultant

The Cheapskates

Listen. Just last night, I didn’t prepare before going to the movies. I am now out $13.95 for a medium popcorn and a bottle of water. This is the polar opposite of my M.O., which is to shamelessly sneak my own bag of popcorn and seltzer into the theater. My usual strategy is to pick a theater near a Trader Joe’s, so I can stop in and get a bag of cheddar cheese popcorn, or their insanely delicious Cornbread Crisps, and a Cranberry Clementine seltzer. And those crisps make a bomb vehicle for transporting your homemade chili to your mouth. Trust me. No local TJ’s? A bag of Buncha Crunch and a Sprite from the drugstore will do. —Kristina Bornholtz, social media editor

Like all right-thinking Americans, I was raised to believe that sneaking food into the movies is as natural and healthy as a long walk in the sunshine, and that buying concessions at the theater is for chumps. It helps that I’m not wild about popcorn and instead gravitate toward Junior Mints, Combos, and Raisinets, all of which are conveniently available at the Dollar Tree that’s a stone’s throw from our default movie theater in Atlanta (and you know that location isn’t an accident). And, while I’ve never ventured to smuggle anything more elaborate than a deli sandwich into an indoor cinema, no rules of restraint apply when we visit the Starlight Six Drive-In, a blessed local relic from another time, where summertime patrons regularly tote in full coolers of beer and Weber grills for a tailgate/movie night hybrid. —Miranda Kaplan, editor

You will rarely find me in a concession line: I’m too cheap for those overpriced goods, and too paranoid about candy-induced sugar highs. Not the biggest fan of popcorn, either; my junk food needs an edge. My ideal movie date involves a quick bodega trip beforehand, where I procure seltzer and—wait for it—pretzel M&M’s. That is my junk-food staple. I tell myself they aren’t as bad as regular M&M’s, and they hit my requirement for a savory/sweet combo. The seltzer is key, too—like clockwork, a pending movie stirs a deep thirst in me for carbonated water. Sitting through a movie whilst thirsty and hungry is my personal version of a horror film. —Natalie Holt, video producer

I’ve discovered that using your kid as a candy mule is the white lie of retail economy. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be an honest, upstanding citizen, like you. For most of my adult life, I either purchased popcorn or, more often, didn’t eat at all. But, once we got married, my wife started sneaking candy into the theaters to quell her sweet tooth and—well, I’m not turning down Twizzlers. Who would?

When we first started bringing our daughter to the movies, we’d casually present the goods after the previews. Now that she’s older, she’s part of the scam/effort. We have a perfect record of sneaking in candy because, really, is the high school kid ripping stubs while he checks out Instagram going to stop a seven-year-old and poke her coat? I load up on a package of some chocolate-covered nut, my wife keeps it classic with M&M’s, and my daughter’s the wild card—sometimes it’s gummy bears, or it could be Reese’s Pieces. —Sal Vaglica, equipment editor

If it were just me, I wouldn’t be eating anything. I’m too cheap to even glance at the outrageously priced concession stand items, and too lazy and bagless to smuggle snacks in. My significant other is often not bagless, however, so when we go together, we sneak all kinds of things in. My favorite is the massive, Costco-sized bag of M&M’s: easy, clean, delicious. The most memorable snack we’ve ever brought was a full bag of Hurricane popcorn, which technically we smuggled all the way from Hawaii. The Li Hing–flavored version is vibrantly red, and we did not bring napkins, which made for a messy-fingered second half of the movie. Totally worth it, but word of advice: No matter what you bring, prep for the mess. —Tim Aikens, front-end developer

The Takeout Taker-Inner

When we were—well, I won’t say kids, since I was old enough to drive, but…younger than we are today, my brother and I were notorious for sneaking Chinese takeout into the movie theater. I’m talking pot stickers, egg rolls, spicy noodles, kung pao tofu, scallion pancakes, the works. We’d just stuff all the containers inside this gargantuan yellow puffer coat he had (ah, the ’90s), using it like an insulated pizza-delivery bag. As it turns out, those iconic Chinese takeout containers are just the right size to nestle down into a movie theater cup holder, so we’d set up a little buffet using four consecutive arm rests. Chopsticks made it easy to eat in the dark, and we’d pass the containers between us during brightly lit scenes.

In warmer weather, lacking the proper outerwear for smuggling, we’d stick to popcorn (extra “butter,” please) and Milk Duds. —Stella Parks, pastry wizard

The Killjoys

If I could ban all eating in movie theaters, I would. I don’t want to hear some sloppy-ass mofo smacking on popcorn in my ear when I’m trying to watch a movie. I’d give up all snacks for silence. All you movie-theater eaters can BURN IN HELL. (I have issues.) —Daniel Gritzer, managing culinary director

I’m cheap. I also don’t like candy. I’m not a big fan of popcorn, either. I smuggle in a water bottle, but then I drink from it only if I’m terribly, terribly parched, because the one thing I hate more than watching a movie in a packed theater is having to get up to go to the bathroom in a packed movie theater. Sometimes I’ll bring with me a small, smooth stone, which I will suck on from time to time, and sometimes swallow, if the movie is going long and I’m really bored. I’ve had that stone for 10 years now. —Sho Spaeth, features editor

I’m almost always on the do-not-eat team—I’d rather spend my $20 on better food before or after the movie (I see you, Battery Park Shake Shack!). But occasionally, I succumb and buy popcorn and a Coca-Cola Classic. Ideally, this happens at a theater with self-service “butter,” and, even more ideally, I’ll get a cardboard tray to help me shift the popcorn around, so I can properly spread said butter to the deepest reaches of the bag. —Paul Cline, developer

I only snack on chips and anything crunchy, but the sound of me munching distracts me from the movie. So, no snacks. —Vivian Kong, product designer

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True Concessions: Our Movie-Snacking Behaviors, Ex...

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[Illustrations: Vivian Kong]

Serious Eats staffers work very closely together, if not always in the same room—but, as in all healthy long-term relationships, we somehow still manage to surprise each other, in good ways, bad ways, and purely head-scratching ways. A very long and aggrieved Slack thread unspooled once we discovered some potentially embarrassing gaps in each other’s eating histories: Until recently, Stella had never eaten a classic NYC bacon, egg, and cheese, and Niki was unclear on the proper use of a Panera-style bread bowl. The revelation that, despite repeated admonishments on this very site, only a few of us actually owned a mortar and pestle prompted similar outrage (from Kenji, at least).

One of the latest rabbit holes of confession and mock shaming we threw ourselves down revolved around our respective movie snacks of choice—not just the specific items we like to munch on in the theater, but where we get those snacks from, and whether we even snack at all. If that doesn’t sound like something to get all worked up about—well, it isn’t, but that’s never stopped us before. It turns out that we, and perhaps all moviegoers, divide pretty neatly into four distinct camps, with very little crossover: those who buy the typical popcorn, boxed candy, and big sodas at the theater’s concession stand; those who don’t eat at the movies, period (really!); those who sneak in their own modest, easily hidden snacks; and those who make a point of smuggling in the biggest or messiest or otherwise most outlandish spreads they can muster. (Of course, “outlandish” is a relative term—one of us seemed surprised to learn that a bottle of Champagne qualified.) Since it’s Oscar season, a time when lots of us try to cram in as many theater outings as possible, we figured we’d take the opportunity to share the shocking results of our internal survey.

The Sushi Smuggler

Growing up, I thought the phrase “dinner and a movie” was actually “dinner at the movies.” Sure, we’d occasionally sneak in traditional snacks, like cheesy popcorn and cans of soda, but if the movie happened to coincide with a mealtime, we packed accordingly. My family’s go-to movie theater dinner was sushi—something I didn’t contemplate much at the time, but I now see it as a stroke of unparalleled genius on my parents’ part. A prepackaged roll combo is, without doubt, the Platonic ideal of a stealthy movie theater meal.

Before you roll (no pun intended) your eyes, consider the following: It’s compact, and thus easy to hide at the bottom of a purse; it’s sufficiently odorless to avoid attracting attention or offending your neighbors’ sensibilities; it is, if properly selected, devoid of any crunch, making it a virtually silent, interruption-free dining experience; the pieces are bite-size and therefore can be eaten with your hands, minimizing the potential mess of eating, say, noodles, in the dark; and it’s a cinch to clean up and dispose of without attracting notice as you exit the theater. (I should add that I’ve also been known to bring along a cleverly concealed bottle of wine to wash things down.) My husband finds the whole sushi/sneaking-in-food thing gross and embarrassing, so these days we tend to go to theaters that actually serve all sorts of fancy food and alcoholic beverages above board. But, as the saying goes, when the cat’s away, the mouse goes to the movies and stuffs her face with sushi. —Niki Achitoff-Gray, executive managing editor

The Cherry Picker

The rest of the Serious Eats team judged me pretty harshly on my pick, but I stand by it: fresh sweet cherries. Sure, they’re messier than other snacks, you have to have somewhere (that isn’t the theater floor) to spit out the pits, and they’re not what one would consider an indulgent snack, but I’m hooked. A, they’re delicious. B, the act of eating them takes some time, so they last longer than the popcorn you mindlessly shovel into your mouth. C, they’re good for you! —Vicky Wasik, visual director

The Traditionalists

I’m not an avid movie theater–goer, but every so often, I will indulge in a little weekday-afternoon alone time in a near-empty, darkened room illuminated by brightly colored, flashing images, accompanied only by a bucket of ultra-fake-buttered and salted popcorn on one side and, on the other, a Coke in a giant plastic vessel that could fit a bathing infant. The expense I gladly eat, literally and financially, for the illicit thrill invoked by residual school-age guilt for “playing hooky” and doing something so luxurious and truant. Everyone’s gotta get their kicks somehow, right? —Marissa Chen, office manager

I have to start by saying that I’m a pretty fast movie-snack eater—so much so that when I was little, my dad would ration my popcorn by putting a handful in my lap at a time. Otherwise, it would be gone a few minutes after the previews. That said, as an adult, I am 100% dedicated to Milk Duds, and, while I hate paying for them, I do anyway. I know my colleagues may look upon my choices with disdain, but alas: I buy my Milk Duds at the concession stand, like a total sucker. Then I eat them all before the movie even starts. —Ariel Kanter, marketing director

I believe the majority of the fun of going to the movies is to hit up the concession stand. I’m that person who arrives 30 minutes early to stock up on overpriced cardboard boxes of Mike and Ike and Sour Patch Kids—because I’m convinced they taste better out of a box. I’ve broken up with boyfriends solely because they took the thrifty route and chose to buy snacks at the bodega across the street instead. However, I’m a strict non-eater once the movie actually starts—the snacks are all about the pregame, to nosh on while watching the previews and side eye–ing anyone who tries to snag the seats in front of me. —Sohla El-Waylly, assistant culinary editor

I love movies, but more than that, I love the experience of going to the theater. It’s not just that it offers me an excuse to opt out of social media and email for a few hours, nor is it really about the superior picture and sound (even a basic theater is better than my garage-turned-den). It’s not just the excitement of seeing a brand-new release, and it’s definitely not about sitting with fellow theater-goers (thanks, guy sitting next to me during Black Panther who felt compelled to read every single piece of on-screen text out loud). It’s about one thing, or rather, one greasy bag of many things: movie theater popcorn. I’m attracted to the smell of diacetyl and coconut fat—the secret combination of artificial flavorings that produces that distinct movie theater aroma—like my daughter, Alicia, is attracted to the dogs’ water bowl. I can make all the promises to myself I want about saving room for dinner, but those promises go out the window as soon as I step through those doors. My feet start heading for the concession stand, and the rest of my body has no choice but to follow.

This is not a secret. Movie theater popcorn is my go-to comfort food. That I get to watch a film every time I eat it is just the icing on the cake (or the diacetyl on the kernels, perhaps). —J. Kenji López-Alt, chief culinary consultant

The Cheapskates

Listen. Just last night, I didn’t prepare before going to the movies. I am now out $13.95 for a medium popcorn and a bottle of water. This is the polar opposite of my M.O., which is to shamelessly sneak my own bag of popcorn and seltzer into the theater. My usual strategy is to pick a theater near a Trader Joe’s, so I can stop in and get a bag of cheddar cheese popcorn, or their insanely delicious Cornbread Crisps, and a Cranberry Clementine seltzer. And those crisps make a bomb vehicle for transporting your homemade chili to your mouth. Trust me. No local TJ’s? A bag of Buncha Crunch and a Sprite from the drugstore will do. —Kristina Bornholtz, social media editor

Like all right-thinking Americans, I was raised to believe that sneaking food into the movies is as natural and healthy as a long walk in the sunshine, and that buying concessions at the theater is for chumps. It helps that I’m not wild about popcorn and instead gravitate toward Junior Mints, Combos, and Raisinets, all of which are conveniently available at the Dollar Tree that’s a stone’s throw from our default movie theater in Atlanta (and you know that location isn’t an accident). And, while I’ve never ventured to smuggle anything more elaborate than a deli sandwich into an indoor cinema, no rules of restraint apply when we visit the Starlight Six Drive-In, a blessed local relic from another time, where summertime patrons regularly tote in full coolers of beer and Weber grills for a tailgate/movie night hybrid. —Miranda Kaplan, editor

You will rarely find me in a concession line: I’m too cheap for those overpriced goods, and too paranoid about candy-induced sugar highs. Not the biggest fan of popcorn, either; my junk food needs an edge. My ideal movie date involves a quick bodega trip beforehand, where I procure seltzer and—wait for it—pretzel M&M’s. That is my junk-food staple. I tell myself they aren’t as bad as regular M&M’s, and they hit my requirement for a savory/sweet combo. The seltzer is key, too—like clockwork, a pending movie stirs a deep thirst in me for carbonated water. Sitting through a movie whilst thirsty and hungry is my personal version of a horror film. —Natalie Holt, video producer

I’ve discovered that using your kid as a candy mule is the white lie of retail economy. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be an honest, upstanding citizen, like you. For most of my adult life, I either purchased popcorn or, more often, didn’t eat at all. But, once we got married, my wife started sneaking candy into the theaters to quell her sweet tooth and—well, I’m not turning down Twizzlers. Who would?

When we first started bringing our daughter to the movies, we’d casually present the goods after the previews. Now that she’s older, she’s part of the scam/effort. We have a perfect record of sneaking in candy because, really, is the high school kid ripping stubs while he checks out Instagram going to stop a seven-year-old and poke her coat? I load up on a package of some chocolate-covered nut, my wife keeps it classic with M&M’s, and my daughter’s the wild card—sometimes it’s gummy bears, or it could be Reese’s Pieces. —Sal Vaglica, equipment editor

If it were just me, I wouldn’t be eating anything. I’m too cheap to even glance at the outrageously priced concession stand items, and too lazy and bagless to smuggle snacks in. My significant other is often not bagless, however, so when we go together, we sneak all kinds of things in. My favorite is the massive, Costco-sized bag of M&M’s: easy, clean, delicious. The most memorable snack we’ve ever brought was a full bag of Hurricane popcorn, which technically we smuggled all the way from Hawaii. The Li Hing–flavored version is vibrantly red, and we did not bring napkins, which made for a messy-fingered second half of the movie. Totally worth it, but word of advice: No matter what you bring, prep for the mess. —Tim Aikens, front-end developer

The Takeout Taker-Inner

When we were—well, I won’t say kids, since I was old enough to drive, but…younger than we are today, my brother and I were notorious for sneaking Chinese takeout into the movie theater. I’m talking pot stickers, egg rolls, spicy noodles, kung pao tofu, scallion pancakes, the works. We’d just stuff all the containers inside this gargantuan yellow puffer coat he had (ah, the ’90s), using it like an insulated pizza-delivery bag. As it turns out, those iconic Chinese takeout containers are just the right size to nestle down into a movie theater cup holder, so we’d set up a little buffet using four consecutive arm rests. Chopsticks made it easy to eat in the dark, and we’d pass the containers between us during brightly lit scenes.

In warmer weather, lacking the proper outerwear for smuggling, we’d stick to popcorn (extra “butter,” please) and Milk Duds. —Stella Parks, pastry wizard

The Killjoys

If I could ban all eating in movie theaters, I would. I don’t want to hear some sloppy-ass mofo smacking on popcorn in my ear when I’m trying to watch a movie. I’d give up all snacks for silence. All you movie-theater eaters can BURN IN HELL. (I have issues.) —Daniel Gritzer, managing culinary director

I’m cheap. I also don’t like candy. I’m not a big fan of popcorn, either. I smuggle in a water bottle, but then I drink from it only if I’m terribly, terribly parched, because the one thing I hate more than watching a movie in a packed theater is having to get up to go to the bathroom in a packed movie theater. Sometimes I’ll bring with me a small, smooth stone, which I will suck on from time to time, and sometimes swallow, if the movie is going long and I’m really bored. I’ve had that stone for 10 years now. —Sho Spaeth, features editor

I’m almost always on the do-not-eat team—I’d rather spend my $20 on better food before or after the movie (I see you, Battery Park Shake Shack!). But occasionally, I succumb and buy popcorn and a Coca-Cola Classic. Ideally, this happens at a theater with self-service “butter,” and, even more ideally, I’ll get a cardboard tray to help me shift the popcorn around, so I can properly spread said butter to the deepest reaches of the bag. —Paul Cline, developer

I only snack on chips and anything crunchy, but the sound of me munching distracts me from the movie. So, no snacks. —Vivian Kong, product designer

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