#so why does the father bear has to canonically be a child predator like what the fuck????

[thesmokinpossum]

Bruh, I kept seeing that post about mama bear from the Berenstain Bears being 27 years so I went and checked to see if it was actually true…Well, it is but I also learned that papa bear is canonically 39 years old, which wouldn't be that disturbing except for the fact that their eldest son is 10-11 years old (!!!) and now I'm genuinely grossed out

[secretlyatargaryen]

Ugh asoiaf fandom is so frustrating. I'm so sick of people talking shit abt tyrion when their faces do literally all the same shit but they only hold tyrion accountable. Like multiple people have said that they dont shop tyrion with anyone because of his issues with women but then ship Petyr and sansa or sandor and sansa and its like,,,,, just say his dwarf dick makes you uncomfortable and leave oh my goddddddd

And like I have no issues with people shipping whatever the fuck they want, but if you cant bear to ship tyrion with anyone because his canon flaws make you uncomfortable then you should also be uncomfortable with people like petyr and sandor. It’s not a moral “this is how you should be” its literally a logical “this is how you should be” and the fact that they’re not just shows how fucking transparent they are

I’m far from an anti make no mistake it’s just the hypocrisy that pisses me off. I’m sick of the ableism and I want positive tyrion content I cry

It’s just plain ableism. I don’t care what people ship, and people have different tastes and tolerances and experiences, so some people might be able to handle, say, Sansan, despite the fact that he assaults Sansa, but not like Tyrion because the forced marriage makes them uncomfortable. That’s perfectly fine. What’s not okay is faking moral superiority or acting like your fave is objectively less problematic, or acting like it’s objectively worse for Tyrion to be in a situation with Sansa that he was forced into and which is also abusive for him vs Sandor acting of his own free will.

People also need to realize how ableism comes into play in the way fandom views Tyrion as a whole, even among Tyrion fans. I think a lot of people do this unconsciously because ableism is a learned institution that permeates our society and our thinking unless we actively question it. So when I talk about ableism I’m not saying people are sitting there going “grrr I hate people with dwarfism” (although there is a lot of blatant ableism in this fandom wrt Tyrion because people with dwarfism are largely seen as an acceptable target even among people who consider themselves sensitive to social justice issues), what I mean is that ableism is often present in our thinking even if we don’t realize it, so people do have to question WHY they see Tyrion’s sexuality as so much more threatening and uncomfortable. Shit like that post in, ironically, a livejournal group called “Sane ASOIAF Fans” where the poster was like “It’s a good thing Sandor’s cock didn’t betray him on the night of the battle of the blackwater!” to make some kind of disgusting comparison between a scene of a grown man assaulting a child and a child being raped by his father, in order to make the former seem better and to demonize the latter, is not okay, and a symptom of the ableist idea that even when Tyrion is being abused, he is a figure of disgust or somehow to blame. People are enthusiastic to ascribe malicious or immoral intent to Tyrion even in places where they would forgive others, and that IS a symptom of how we as a society collectively think about people with disabilities, disabled men and in particular men with dwarfism, who throughout history have been used as a symbol for disgust and a threat to idealized feminine purity. That’s why people are more inclined to, say, forgive Sandor on the grounds that he was drunk, but ascribe malicious intent to Tyrion despite the heavy coercion that he is under. It’s also why people are more willing to forgive Jaime for having abusive sex with Cersei, because he fits a masculine ideal and has sex within the confines of a relationship, and it’s easy for us to say that Cersei “wanted it anyway,” vs Tyrion who is both disabled and has taboo sex with women he pays for. There’s a lot of assumptions about how OBVIOUSLY no woman could actually want to have sex with him, therefore it’s somehow worse for him to have sex or think about having sex. This also comes out when people sneer at Tyrion for thinking that he wants Sansa or Shae or anyone to love him. There’s a perception in fandom that NO ONE could love Tyrion so anytime he thinks about wanting love it’s somehow wrong and a sign that he really wants to commit rape or that he’s imposing on women (specifically able bodied, idealized women) by even thinking about them. 

That’s why fanfic writers who want to imagine Tyrion being in a mutual relationship are sneered at, because there’s no way that could REALLY happen, right? Like, I can’t count the many times I’ve heard about how it’s somehow awful to imagine Sansa being in a mutual relationship with Tyrion because it’s “disregarding Sansa’s desires.” What bullshit. Sansa is a fictional character, and her story is far from over. If I write a story in which Sansa desires Tyrion, then it’s not Sansa’s desires that are being disregarded. It is the ableist reader’s perception of Tyrion that isn’t being catered to. Same with the insistence that Tyrion has to be portrayed as a sexual deviant or predator, and this goes for the show adaptation as well as fic. There is NO reason that Tyrion has to be portrayed the same way in the show, or in fanfiction, that he is in the books. No reason. Tyrion is a fictional character, and not a real person. So no adaptation is actually “whitewashing” him because there is no real Tyrion to whitewash. So when people are like, “but Tyrion did x thing!” Okay, great, but in my story he doesn’t. There’s no reason that should be a problem unless you’re really invested in seeing this character being portrayed a certain way, and being invested in seeing fictional disabled people be portrayed as villainous or immoral is not a good look.

Also, within fandom, even Tyrion’s moral behavior does not explain the lack of fic or fandom content. I have been told lots of times that it’s okay for me to write “dark fic” about Tyrion (which is bullshit anyway), but if that were the case, why are there not hundreds of dark fic about Tyrion? Why doesn’t he have a thriving fandom the way Thramsay does, if that’s the real reason people are uncomfortable?

I’ll tell you the reason why, it’s because Tyrion is a dwarf. That’s the reason people are more comfortable with like, all manner of sadistic torture porn but the idea of a person with dwarfism being portrayed as a sexual being, as a romantic being and an object of desire, makes people uncomfortable. That’s the reason Tyrion’s sexuality is exaggerated in fandom (which is so meta because this EXACT THING happens to Tyrion in the books and is used against him in his trial, to make him seem sexually deviant, when his sex life with Shae is, in reality, pretty vanilla.)

It’s also an interesting phenomenon to observe because the way Martin writes the story, Tyrion’s sexuality is on display for the reader. Sandor’s and even Petyr Baelish’s aren’t. Even though we hear about it, we don’t get the details and narrative closeness that we do with Tyrion. That’s why there’s a persistent fandom belief that Sandor doesn’t actually sleep with prostitutes or that his sleeping with prostitutes is somehow innocent, or why there are certain fans who make excuses for even Petyr. We’re told it happens in the books but we don’t see it, so it’s easy to idealize or imagine away. Meanwhile GRRM revels in the details with Tyrion and like, on one hand that’s part of what makes the character revolutionary, because the book deals openly with the sex life of a character who, because of his disability, would usually be portrayed as sexless in fiction, and does not apologize for it. But the flip side of that is that people with dwarfism have also, historically, been treated as an object of fetishism and sexual horror, and for all GRRM imbues Tyrion with humanity, there is something of a voyeuristic quality in the way he writes Tyrion. The reader is kind of like Oberyn going “oooh, tell me more!” and it also must be remembered that GRRM does not have dwarfism and is able bodied, so the way he writes Tyrion, especially with regard to sex, is not exempt from these stereotypes about people with dwarfism.

So like, when people cite x, y, and z thing as a reason Tyrion shouldn’t be shipped with *anyone*, maybe we should question why the story was written in such a way that the only POV character with dwarfism and a congenital disability in general can comfortably be excluded from shipping. Maybe we should question why we allow exceptions for other characters but automatically assume the worst about Tyrion, even when we aren’t in his head. 

And if it’s about Tyrion’s relationships with women, why aren’t there tons of m/m ships with Tyrion? I can probably think of like, ten possibilities off the top of my head which make more sense and have more canon evidence than most widely accepted asoiaf ships. Why is Tyrion excluded from even AU scenarios, if it’s really about what Tyrion does in canon? Why is there so much policing in fandom of even fix-it fics or noncanon fics that want to imagine Tyrion a different way? Fandom is about creativity, and insisting that this character with dwarfism HAS to be portrayed a certain way and nobody else can imagine him any different is extremely uncreative, and as I said before, it is NOT a coincidence that fandom suddenly gets uncreative when it comes to a character whose disability marks him as other.

[bouncyirwin]

Recent Great Naruto Fics I’ve Read List

Seeing as the actual series now suck... here’s a list of the fics/one shots I’ve recently read (past year) that you might enjoy, have fun xx

Warning: List contains all kinds of pairings. Some stories have no pairings at all (those are labelled as General). 

Directions: story name - author - summary - status - pairing/gen - rating

Pulling My Weight by Invisible Shadow - During the mission to Wave, Sakura realises that she has to become a better ninja for her teammates' sake and be someone they can depend on. She vows to take her training seriously, and receives help from the most unlikely of sources; Genma Shiranui. The two form an unlikely bond and stick together through thick and thin, while Sakura improves and meets other people along the way. Ongoing | General so far | T | This story is fucking amazing

A Wrinkle in Time by rightforlife - The Fourth Shinobi War ended in disaster. They won, but at a price too great to bear. Given a second chance, what exactly can Konoha's three most powerful men do? Time travel, old enemies, and old friends that all leads to a new future. Ongoing | General | T

The Colder Water by Quillslinger - The devil is in the details. Shisui. Itachi. A sorta love story. Novella. Complete (52,784) | ShiIta | T 

Uneasy Coexistence by DeGlace - One grinning shark–man. One pink–haired medic. Ankles. Teeth. Kisame x Sakura. Yes, you read that right. Complete (70,111) | KisaSaku | M

Blind Stars of Fortune by 100demons - Thirty year old Kakashi was supposed to have been killed by Pein during the Invasion. Instead, he wakes up in the body of his twenty year old self. (It gets a lot more complicated.) Time travel. Complete (78,591) | General | T

To Promise Forever by Hellsig Otoupeim - The war's over, Kaguya has been defeated and the five great Shinobi Nations have gone back to their homelands to nurse the wounds left behind. In an attempt to preserve peace, the five Kage have agreed to implement in a new measure; war veterans between villages are encouraged to take part in the Five Nation Letter Exchange Program. Or how a girl from Kiri ends up in Konoha. Sly AU. Complete (14,442) | ShikakuOC | M

Heart Under a Blade by fineillsignup - Sitting on a bench after being told by Sasuke-kun that she's annoying, Sakura thinks that it's the worst day of her life. Lying in the hospital wanting to hurl from heat suppressants later that day and grappling with the revelation that she's an omega, Sakura knows that it's the worst day of her life. (ABO, extremely slow build). Ongoing | KakaSaku | M

Phantom Pains by mapplepie - There is something going on with Kakashi, but Minato can't figure out what. All he has are distressing deductions, each one progressively worse than the last. It's no wonder Minato can't help but fear and fear and fear. (To be fair though, it really wasn't his fault he never considered the possibility of time-travel). Complete (22,153) | General | T

A Twist in Time by Wolf08 - With Konoha on the verge of destruction, Sakura is sent on a last-resort mission to save her world by travelling to the past. Join her in coping with her old body's shortcomings, testing the natural laws of time, falling in love all over again, exploring the depths of her mind and rediscovering who she is. Time-travel.  Ongoing | SasuSaku | T | I don’t even like SS anymore (I almost hate them) but this is my favourite fic ever.

Deadly Decisions by Alrissa - Haruno Sakura that actually caught a glimpse of the real world and woke up to smell the blood. Basically a 'what if' preview of what could have happened if Sakura didn't revert after the Chuunin exams. No princess to be rescued here. Complete (17,819) | General | M

Contagious by rabid behemoth - Konoha's citizens are being controlled by a virus, and it falls on Sakura's shoulders to save them. A double agent among the most hostile, unrepentant criminals in the world, she finds herself navigating between competing loyalties in a sea of moral uncertainty. But that's impossible for a faithful Leaf nin like Sakura. Loyalties aren't contagious...right? Complete (119,552) | ItaSaku | T

The Lives Worth Saving by cywsaphyre - Naruto, at 26, has lived through 10 years of war. At the end, with nothing left to call home, he sends himself back to the beginning, to the day of his younger self's graduation, in an attempt to change it all. Time travel AU. Discontinued | General | T | best time travel fic I’ve ever read

Kill Your Heroes by Evil Is A Relative Term - Because, sometimes, we are what our adversaries make of us. Because Gatō only needed Zabuza to neutralize Kakashi. He isn't afraid of one little pink-haired genin. But even mice will bite when cornered. A story of where fear drives the most vulnerable member of Team Seven, from Wave and beyond. Ongoing | General | T

I Found You Missing by Wolfy Tales - 'They're asking us because these soldiers have absolutely no one left to write home to,' Sakura thought with a frown. So she signs up for the Shinobi Letter Exchange, not realizing how large the consequences would be. Complete (18,586) | KakaSaku | T

Teach Your Children Well by AvocadoLove - After Madara final attack on the village, Rokudaime Kakashi uncovers a time-travel scroll. Now he's Team Seven's sensei again. And this time, he's going to do things differently. A time travel fic. Complete (37,849) | KakaIru | K+

The Arrangement by Yuugiri - "We're already getting along bad enough. Why don't we just get married?" Complete (111,453) | GaaIno | T

Sabotage by therealesther - When her fifth date got food poisoning, and her sixth date cancelled in over the phone in a tone bordering on hysteria, Sakura decided things were getting out of hand. Complete (1,637) | KakaSaku | K+

To Love and to Love Again by animequeen100 - Love blooms even in the strangest of places, and darkest of hours. Sasuke has a daughter who needs a mother. Sakura has a son, who needs a father. When the shadows that follow her threaten to take her away from him, his dark secrets resurface to keep her in his arms. They were fated to love and destined to love again. Complete (401,061) | SasuSaku | M

The Good Wife by ReiraKurenai - Sixteen-year-old Ino is stuck in the body of her older self. Now she must embark on the journey of an adult, a wife and a mother while deep down she's still just a child herself. What does the future have in store for her? NarutoxIno and various pairings. Ongoing | NaruIno | T

Ripples by Yellow Mask - AU from 309 onwards. Following a botched mission, Sakura is made a slave by Sound, a position that could very well alter the future…especially concerning a certain familiar missing-nin. Complete (143,883) | SasuSaku | T

Set in Ink by TappityTap - "From then on, it became their own private ritual: She'd arrive at his place, they'd talk, she'd undress, he'd draw her, she'd look at his work and compliment it, he'd touch her until she quivered and cried out his name in a sweet burst of release. This ritual was always the same but somehow different and exciting every time. " Pure SaiIno smut. Some canon pairings mentioned. Complete (7,422) | SaiIno | M

The Cursed Geisha by wingedmercury - He's beautiful, in the same way that predatory animals are beautiful—dark, mysterious. Dangerous. Only this time, instead of being the predator, Sasuke will learn what it means to be prey. AU. Complete (43,612) | SasuHina | M

Will of Fire by Cynchick - Forced to flee their village and the new regime, the loyal shinobi of Konoha must find a way to preserve their way of life and take back their home. As they fight for their future, Team Seven struggles to overcome the past. Complete (223,234) | KakaSaku | M

The Secret Life of Teachers by tabine - Romance is a bit difficult to do when you spend a majority of your time within fifty feet of the object of your affections and somehow still don't quite understand that you're falling in love with them, if only because being a full-time high school teacher while taking graduate school courses takes precedence over everything else. A Nejiten high school teachers AU. Ongoing | NejiTen | T

The Line by livezinshadowz - When a young Ino tries to use the Shintenshin for the first time on Naruto, something goes wrong and the two find themselves temporarily stuck in the other's body. A series of moments depicting the evolution of their relationship, from acquaintances to friends to something more, all by crossing that metaphorical line created when a boy and a girl forge a bond. Complete (46,692) | NaruIno | T

In Another Life by CelestialCircumference - Kakashi never believed in soul mates until that fateful day. Written for HatakeFran for the KakaSaku Secret Santa 2016 on tumblr. Complete (18,350) | KakaSaku | T

House of Crows by SilverShine -  War is coming to Konoha and Sakura is far from home, uncertain of her future. But one thing is for sure, Sakura will protect her unborn child at all costs, whether it be from Konoha's enemies... or from its own father. Complete (400,508) | KakaSaku | M

Better Off Dead by wingedmercury - When Hinata leaves Konoha, heartbroken but resolute, the last person she expects to see over the rim of her tea cup is him. "You look like you've just seen a ghost," he smirks, and Hinata thinks that some people are just better off dead. Complete (68,768) | SasuHina | T

The Song Of Kakashi by ZatannaZatara06 - If you want forever, you are going to have to suffer for it. For the KakaSaku Week 2016 Day 2 Theme: Fairy tales / Legends Myth: The story of Achilles and Patroclus. Complete (2,472) | KakaSaku | T

Kunoichi's Burden: Village First by lilac haze - She was dying. She should have died. She was supposed to die but the Gods had other plans. Sakura is thrown back in the past, where a dangerously attractive blonde and a loud mouthed redhead have taken it upon themselves to make her life even more difficult. If Naruto's parents didn't get together, kami, she would be in a lot of trouble. MinatoXSakura. Time travel-fic. Complete (378,854) | MinaSaku | T

On a Leash by thekatthatbarks - Kakashi's new puppy ends up being his best wingman. Complete (1,082) | KakaSaku | T

House Calls by Spoiled Sweet - Always the Team Mom, Sakura opens up her home as a clinic for the hospital-phobic ninja of Konoha. At the same time, her relationship with Kakashi begins to evolve in a way she never expected. Complete (262,803) | KakaSaku | M

Things You Just Don’t Talk About by Enodia - "Do you enjoy sex?" Shikamaru asked bluntly. I just can't believe I'm talking about this, and with Shikamaru, of all people, Sakura thought." Sakura is in for a surprise. Or, rather, a series of surprises. Complete (118,175) | ShikaSaku | M

Players by Kukaburraxxii - Ino joins the league of players. Discontinued | GenIno | M

Heatwave by Yahboobeh - When she found her breath again it was ragged. Only one thought tore through her mind: Consume me. The Suna sun wasn't the only reason their faces burned. Ongoing | NejiTen | M

The Art of War by leafygirl - Entry for the LJ Kakasaku AU contest. Sakura gets stuck following her teacher after a bet with her friends. But his mysterious life is nothing she ever expected. Complete (20,591) | KakaSaku | T

The Shinobi Princess by Winged Lady Colette - At the end of the Fourth Great Ninja War, Sakura takes an unexpected trip into the time of Konoha's Founding. Ongoing | HashiSaku | M

Dawning by deleria - After years of silence the Akatsuki are active again. Her allies uncertain, the Godaime sends two teams - one for a potential offensive strike and another for covert surveillance. Who would have guessed that Shikamaru and Sakura could fake it as newlyweds so well? ShikaSaku with early (one-sided) hints of SasuSaku. Complete (101,994) | ShikaSaku | M

Genius Sensei by AlexDnD - What if Kakashi had recovered from his deep depression? What if he turned out to be a true genius as a sensei? Watch as team 7 develops into a truly capable shinobi team! Complete | NaruSaku-ish | T | A fun read

We Are Never (ever getting back together) by natanije - In which Sakura waited, got tired of waiting, and decided to never wait ever again. (Or, in which Sakura never chased after Sasuke when she got pregnant). Complete (2,592) | General | T

A Poor Imitation by leafygirl - Sakura is injured on a mission, forgetting everything she knew of life in Konoha. Complete (88,913) | KakaSaku | M

The Girl From Whirlpool by SilverShine - When Naruto's father met his mother, his only impression was that a village out there must have been missing its idiot. Complete (248,299) | MinaKushi | T

The Way of the Wind by just enough - ANBU Captain Uchiha Itachi had things well planned out, until a medic-nin with ridiculous hair went and made herself interesting. Sakura insisted she was just doing her job, but Itachi didn't quite see it that way. Non-massacre. Complete (158,542) | ItaSaku | M

Cause for Conversation by firefly - Hinata has always been intimidated by Sasuke, but when she serves as a substitute for Sakura on a mission, she comes to learn that the stoic Uchiha is not so bad after all. Complete (4,858) | SasuHina | K+

The Price by Nenagh24 - This would have almost been hilarious, the renowned copy ANBU almost petrified of a small unarmed girl, had it not been happening to him. The price of this tiny bride was going to break him. Hello, fiery flames of eternal doom. Complete (19,067) | KakaSaku | T

Better Having Met You by KakashiSauce - Tenzou is wide-eyed, bright faced and unprepared for the ANBU life ahead of him. MOSTLY because of the unorthodox team he's placed into. However, it was done in his best interest, and Hiruzen is smart enough to know what is best for most young shinobi. Kakashi disagrees, but he is one of those young shinobi who doesn't know whats best for him. Ongoing | KakaYama | M

Icha Icha Gambit by TheSilverScarecrow - It was a risk; one that could potentially ruin their team, however, who was Hatake Kakashi to argue with the Hokage? But when a never to be finished Icha Icha draft falls into his possesion things start getting wildly out of hand as Sakura does whatever it takes to protect their village from a devastating weapon. Ongoing | KakaSaku | M

Nutrire by Wolfy Tales - As Ino traverses the world with Yamato after the war to neutralize potential threats, she finds out that they share more in common than just an interest in plants. Complete (32,251) | YamaIno | T

Let's Get Married by luvtoshi - It was supposed to be a simple solution to their immediate problems. But maybe they took more than they can chew? Complete (59,760) | NaruSaku | M

Hot Medicine by Saphri - Kakasaku one-shot. AU. Fighting fires was a tough job by all accounts. But when the job requires getting treated by beautiful pink haired paramedics it was worth the hardship. Complete (26,05) | KakaSaku | M

A Noble in Secret by WhiteMint - Side story to the Imperial Princess. C originally hated the people of Konoha, often referring to them as "Konoha dogs". But as he got to know the small pink haired girl who followed him around like a puppy, he no longer considered the term as maliciously as before. After all, he found his own little Konoha dog, and he planned on keeping her. Ancient Chinese AU. Complete (4,420) | CSaku | K+

Cherry Blossom Flames by Winged Lady Colette - A seven year old amnesiac awoke in a stream, being rescued by two brothers.  Ongoing | MadaSaku | M

Adaline by Nikki1212 - I would choose you in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I would find you and I would choose you. AU. Ongoing | KakaSaku | T

Tempest by cywsaphyre - Back in time and armed with years of future knowledge, Sakura is ready to take the world by storm. Except... she's four again, not twelve. Ah well, nobody said she couldn't start a little early. Gen, time travel, AU, Sakuracentric. Discontinued | General | T

All This Time by thekatthatbarks - "I may not have fell like you did. I didn't fall gradually and slow over the span of twenty years. It was fast and sudden. It had me stumbling looking around trying to figure out where I was. I didn't even know it had happened." Complete (2,472) | ShikaSaku | K+

Team 8 by S’TarKan - What if Naruto had been selected for a different team? What if he'd had a different mentor? Who would guess the consequences would be so large? Ongoing | NaruHina | T | I don’t even like NaruHina anymore but this story is amazing (plot-oriented)

Better Man by Kakashisgf - Sakura and Sasuke have been married for over a decade, but things are far from perfect, and Sakura's beginning to realize that maybe she deserves better. Complete (179,759) | KakaSaku | M

Dirty Laundry by Slinkymilinky - Sakura had never been a fan of airing her dirty laundry in public…but Kakashi was often the exception to the rule. Lemony Oneshot. Complete (6,593) | KakaSaku | M

Time and Again by KyLewin - Time Travel fic. In a war torn future, in the burning ruins of Konohagakure, Naruto fights Orochimaru and loses as the world collapses around him. From that ending comes a new beginning and a new chance to set things right, if only he can figure out how.. Complete (456,787) | General | T

The Samurai and the Oni Girl by Silberias - AU KakaSaku set in Edo-period Japan. Sakura is the descendant of a red-haired foreigner as well as a merchant's daughter. Kakashi is a local samurai who has fallen on hard times, a man whose pride has been broken down to this point. Love comes after. Complete (131,644) | KakaSaku | T

Chippendales by Voyna - [AU] Sometimes, a girl needs a lap-dance to put life into perspective. Complete (15,645) | SasuHina | M

Once More, With Feeling by JinnySkeans - Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. Complete (127,462) | SasuSaku | M

In Case of Blue Scroll by Leola Majora - In Case of Blue Scroll the Hokage must lock himself in his office and pull his hair out as what he thought were memories of a long lost love turn out to be the memories of a mission he was about to assign his former student, Sakura Haruno. Complete (48,635) | KakaSaku | M

[I’ll update this again soon!]

[lassieposting]

Random head canon. Skul and Val telling her parents they are together!! Can we just.. *literallysquealing* ah thanks btws your valdug fan fic links were so good ❤

Oh god. This. Goes. So badly.

okay so i guess just how angry desmond and melissa are depends on how long val waits before deciding she actually wants to pursue a romantic relationship with skulduggery? because they’d react very differently if she announced in book ten that they’re together, versus if she waited until she was thirty or fourty or so, where they’re less likely to see her as a child or as a young person who’s being taken advantage of

but for max fun points, let’s say valdug happens when she comes home from america. she’s twenty-three, and the long separation has made her realise that she doesn’t want to be apart from skulduggery ever, basically. so that’s now a thing.

he is like. 100% against the idea of telling her parents. it was bad enough when he had to meet them in tdotl. he does not, he tells her, make a good impression on parents. the last time he had to meet a significant other’s parents, he had a body and made every effort to be polite, and kenspeckle grouse still came at him with a shotgun. now, val wants to announce that she’s screwing the undead, who her family already happen to strongly dislike and disapprove of immensely. he’s pretty sure she’s never had a worse idea, and that’s counting the time she decided she could totally eat three whole pizzas and was sick for two days.

val, on the other hand, is tentatively certain that her folks will be happy for her. skulduggery makes her happy, takes care of her, and has a bottomless bank account. what’s not to like? 

she’s painfully aware that it will probably not go as well as she hopes it will, but skul is important to her, and she wants him involved with her family. she wants to be able to bring him with her to family functions. she wants him to be a part of a family again, not to always be left on the outside while she turns up to events and always talks about the partner nobody ever sees who “can’t make it, unfortunately” to every. single. thing.

it goes about as well as skulduggery expected. he’s not a coward, so he goes with her when she tells them, and he watches her parents just get stiffer and more icy-eyed and icy-voiced. he knows how skeevy it looks. it doesn’t matter that he loves val, that he’d die for val or kill for val, what matters to them right now is that he’s a very well-off, very charismatic older guy who’s been spending a lot of time - unbeknownst to them - with their daughter since she was twelve, and has apparently just made his final move 

they think he’s a predator

needless to say, this is very upsetting for him, but it’s exactly what he was expecting

des, usually so mild-mannered and pleasant, decides it’s time to be a father, and he asks for a moment alone with skulduggery to talk, man to man. skul is the better fighter, and has reflexes honed by 400 years of battle, so when des swings a punch he blocks it, while des works out his anger at this guy who stole his little girl. all val and melissa hear from outside is a whole lot of shouting and skulduggery trying to calm him down, but melissa stops val going in there to break it up

when they emerge, skulduggery goes to sit in the bentley, partly because he’s actually upset by how this is going and partly because he’s old enough and smart enough to know that him being there isn’t helping things. to them it probably looks like he’s hovering over val to make sure she says the right things, rather than that he’s there as emotional backup for her doing something that makes her nervous

val is upset by this point too, and probably has a Melodramatic Teenage Moment, even though she’s not a teenager anymore, with the but why dont you care if i’m happyyyyyyyyy, verging on either tears or shouting and not sure which is the better option here

anyway, it ends badly. val flees the house before she says something she’ll regret and skulduggery is stiff-backed and silent on the drive back to cemetery road, and she feels like if she breaks the silence it’ll be like poking a bear with a stick

they don’t bring it up again. he gets over his sulk, hides how hurt he is, and val gets over the argument with her family. they’ve got each other. nothing else matters. all that.

and then, a week or so later, skulduggery says, “i spoke to fergus today.”

that’s not as weird as it was once. she knows skulduggery and her uncle have an…acquaintanceship…of sorts, built up over the five years she’d been away. she knows that it’s kind of down to her, that skulduggery wouldn’t have sought out fergus’ company if he hadn’t been so lonely, hadn’t needed someone he could talk to about her and all she was suffering alone and in relative silence halfway across the world

but when skulduggery tells her fergus has agreed to intercede on their behalf with valkyrie’s parents, well, that’s surprising. fergus must approve of skulduggery more than she’d ever thought

it’s a couple of weeks - with absolutely no word from fergus - before melissa edgley texts val out of the blue, asking to meet for a cup of tea at gordon’s old house. neutral ground. bring skulduggery.

“what are you doing?” val asks her mother, getting out to go ahead while skulduggery parks the bentley outside the mansion

“giving him a chance,” her mother says, obviously very deliberately keeping her tone and expression neutral. “fergus came round, would you believe it. he thinks your father and i are being too hard on you.”

it’s not what val would call a resounding success, but skulduggery is polite and well-mannered and almost too understanding of how her mother feels, and her mother is polite and well-mannered and makes an effort to have a civil conversation

it’s a start