#but struggles with coming to terms with whenever they Cant forgive someone who hurt their loved ones.

[lunarcry]

shizuku has been winning sm this past year like what the hell

[astrologysvt]

What are your thoughts abot the recent news about mingyu being a school bully?

hi! so i wasn’t going to be commenting on this but i’ve spoken to a few friends about this and i figured id put my thoughts out there in case anyone is feeling anxious and hopefully it can ease their minds a little bit. 

ive looked into the situation and understand that there is still a lot that isn’t clear, a lot that was lost in translation, and some aspects that are highly circumstantial and based in perspective. i’m not about to comment or invalidate/validate any single direction/statement/thought process. what i will say is i think bullying is awful and no aspect of it, no matter when it occurred or the circumstances, should be excused. being an idol does not give anyone a free pass to not accept responsibility for their actions when called out. 

what i will say is that if you’re struggling with this recent news i hope it brings to light the flexibility we need to have when understanding/perceiving our idols. when i heard about this situation, and pretty much every single bullying scandal ever in kpop, i wasn’t shocked. people are capable of doing stupid, awful, and mean things -- especially when we are young. i always struggle to feel pressed whenever news like this comes out (and maybe this is a personal flaw of mine) but i personally do not have the energy to try and hold a third person account of something that happened 10+ years ago over a person who has performed a lot of good now in their adult life. i dont say that in an attempt to invalidate the victim’s experiences because no matter how incidental, unintentional, or minor such an act was on mingyu’s end in terms of bullying -- that doesn’t mean it couldn’t have long lasting effects on someone else’s self-esteem and mental health. with that being said, i try to be empathetic to all perspectives in this situation because the reality is everyone is capable of hurting others. there are people i know who have hurt me deeply that i wouldn’t fault now for their actions, and similarly there are a lot of things ive done that i deeply regret and i simply hope that if i were ever in mingyu’s position that those who ive intentionally/unintentionally hurt would offer me even just a small bit of human forgiveness and understanding as as we both reflect on the situation as adults. i honestly just see the victim’s own personal attempt at speaking about her situation as an attempt to process her own trauma with the situation, and i think stan/idol culture is skewing our ability to accept this reality while also understanding that our idols can still be redeemable years after doing those things. i don’t think it’s particularly fair that we’re using the victim’s attempt at airing out her grievances as a kind of fandom fuel. i feel this way whenever there is a serious issue in kpop. i feel like it should be a given that our idols could be capable of these things, and that we shouldn’t take these scandals with actual important issues to discuss as merely a “fandom” issue. like even tho i don’t hate mingyu now, nor do i feel like i need to choose whether or not i should unstan svt -- that doesn’t mean i can’t empathize or validate the victim’s experiences. tbh to me it just feels tone deaf. like “i see mingyu all the time and it hurts because no one knows what i’ve gone through and he’s being put on this pedestal as a perfect human being who can do no wrong meanwhile im still trying to process a lot of personal issues” and instead of being like “wow that must be difficult and seeing him must be super counterproductive to any progress you try to make. it must feel like for every two steps you take you take three back and simply by hearing him sing on the radio” -- fandom culture now pits these two people against each other, either paints her as solely a victim and now mingyu as the villain or vice versa where she’s attempting slander and mingyu still cant do no wrong. like tbh i think it’d be super validating to her if, adult mingyu now, addressed what he had done in the past and asked for forgiveness and promised her that the person she sees now succeeding isn’t the same person who hurt her all those years ago. maybe shed be able to hear svt songs and not have it set her progress back. i just don’t think the way fandom handles these things is fair if i am being honest, and i think it’s possible to wish for the best for both of them. 

i think the biggest thing people struggle in these situations is having to face the reality that maybe our idols aren’t good people. to that i have to say that the reality is more than likely far less exciting than that. mingyu, the rest of svt, and every idol out there are not extraordinarily good or bad people. they’re just people we’ve stumbled across that we’ve gotten attached to. they’re likable people but they’re also flawed. i don’t think a person needs to be perfect in order to be likable, and i think it’s possible to hold our idols accountable for their mistakes while also investing in their success. its just what humans do. 

[myuun]

its still beyond me why my family doesnt take my marriage or comittment to jack seriously like its a fucking optional transaction

like “aw sweetie, stop playing make-belief”

uhm no non o

im literally BINDED to this person by law because i want to be. no one forced me. it wasnt a “lets jump into it” situation. ive known him for eight years. we have been together for five years. yeah we are both young but??? it really wasnt a big surprise that i would marry a guy i have been with for a while? 

and then to have the GALL to be like, “you can still come home and he can go back to his house, whatever its fine” 

thats not... how it works......

its not... optional. its not as if im being held against my will or being stubborn about being with jack. its... i literally love him. and im so sick and TIRED of hearing that love won’t pay my bills and getting the beautiful eye roll with the “the love bullshit will die after two months and then you’ll see that i was right”.

its been 26 years and not once have i thought my dad was right about literally anything 

since i moved to new zealand, i have had so many amazing moments and so many horrible ones. but today marks the WORST day YET, and i say yet because tomorrow is still a good runner-up, in my time here and all because my dad is here.

i am THIS close to losing my house 

and your petty fucking attitude when you could EASILY help us is bullshit and you fucking know it. you fucking know that you could help us pay this debt so easily and that the only reason right now we are struggling so badly is because i can’t fucking work because im waiting for my visa. and then you ask, well who’s to blame? ME? FOR WANTING TO STAY IN THE COUNTRY? 

im so SICK and tired of always  being told that my relationship isn’t going to feed me. and you know what YOURE RIGHT. IT DOESNT PAY THE BILLS. IT DOESN’T BUY ME A CAR. IT DOESN’T. BUT YOU MIGHTVE DONE THAT AND I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF.

and im getting there real quickly because whenever you look down on me with those dead eyes it makes me feel like dying. i had a glimpse of hope to think that you had come all this way to visit me but thats just fucking bullshit

you came here to shoot fucking animals and fuck your girlfriend who is CLEARLY in love with you mostly because there is no one else who could love either of you. congratulations you found each other again. its like a love story. my brother gets to see his parents reunited in a fuck show of money. 

you could help your only daughter but you refuse to because you dont give a shit. because i didn’t tell you i got married or was in an important relationship and you know why? because you RUIN everything you touch when it comes to me

do you know how many people, how many friends, how many times i have had to apologise for your bullshit? how embarrassing it is to go outside with a racist, a bigot, a homophobic bullshitter? 

to hear you over and over and over purposely be racist and an asshole towards other people... shame on you. the kindness that you supposedly show so many people, never ONCE have i seen it. you can throw your money all over the fucking world but you will NEVER buy my word because i know what kind of person you have always been. 

every time you see me you hurt me in every way and now you are hurting my husband and i can never forgive you for that. i can never forgive you for hurting him. and you will NEVER get the honor of meeting him because you don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him as a son-in-law. he is the most wonderful person in the world and you don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve all this applause and smiles and love you get.

because you could’ve helped pay for so many things, but in the points where i need you the most, you tell me to fuck off. 

this is real life. this is me struggling and im not trying to say that it will get easier. i know it will never get easier. but im asking you to fucking help me. help me. help me, dad. please please please... i dont want to lose my house... i dont want to lose everything, please. 

you bought me thousands of dollars worth of clothing, but you aren’t willing to just give me that in cash so i could pay my bills. you are willing to give me a make over and cut my hair and get me jackets and shoes and underwear, but you aren’t willing to help me find a new place to live in.

how does that make sense? how can i come home with bags and bags of clothing that i got from you and face my husband when he is being torn apart by the guilt of not having enough money? i came to my small neighbourhood in a fucking bmw from the hotel crying my eyes out because i had been holding it for so long all day. i ate once because i was so nervous of seeing you and sick to the stomach of having to be with you. 

the only time i truly smiled was when i got home and jack was there and i could feel like i was home again. this is my city. this is my home. this is my husband. and you can’t take those things away from me when you always shatter me.

and tomorrow im going to spend the entire day appeasing you and trying to beg you to please... please send us the monthly money. but you won’t, you will hold onto it until you remember eventually that i’ve been begging for a month but you still refuse even though you promised. 

please god... 

these past two months i haven’t been able to work because of my visa and if this is my punishment for being happy, its too hard. its just too hard. 

you could help us so easily. so easily you could. 

but you dont even see me. you dont even see my desperation. 

you dont want to meet my husband because you cant face me being happy with someone. 

you always have to be in control. you can’t help me because you can only do so on your terms. when you per chance remember. when its your time. 

you arrived abruptly without a care in the world today as if i didn’t have a job to go to or have things to do because you dont give a shit if im busy. you know ill come running anyway because you are with-holding so much. because you are dangling what we need right there and then. 

you bought me all these clothes to show me that you definitely have the money to help us pay rent for one fucking month but that you won’t give it to me directly because you can’t be fucked doing so. 

it always has to be on your terms no matter if it breaks the person. 

it always has to be all about you. 

[kwackdoctor]

Progress Note #2: How to love yourself

Today, for the nth time, I have googled “how to love myself”. It’s that time of the month, I think, that I get depressive thoughts, suicidical really, but I still try to fight for myself and try to save me. Just a little background, when I was in high school, I had suicidal notes – plans to kill myself, notes of goodbyes to my parents. To this day, I still remember the look of hurt of my mother when she read it. She was hurt, betrayed and scared at the same time. Right there I realized that my problems wont go away along with me, it will stay with the people left behind. So at that moment, I promised whenever these thoughts visit, and they often do, that I will fight for myself. A bit ironic, isn’t it? Negating the thoughts of killing myself. But it really happens, you really cant control these thoughts. I have thought about getting professional help, but I think im not ready to scare my parents again. So im doing a “self-help”. So while I was researching, I came about a website by marc and angel and they list down a few tips on how to love yourself. So today, I will try to do that.

“because the greatest struggle in life is the struggle to accept, embrace, and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections”

it seem so easy. I mean, I love myself. But do I really KNOW myself for me to love it?

I was making plans with my best friend, telling him our plans of travelling together when this academic thing is over. I was telling him of not getting married early because I was scared of being alone. When his replied shocked me, he said, “Learn to love your company, be your own bestfriend”. GUYS. My own bestfriend, telling me to be my own bestfriend. Was he trying to break up with me? But it hit me hard. I SHOULD REALLY LOVE MYSELF. But how?

“We have to learn to be our own best friends beciase sometimes we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. We love the idea of others loving us, and we forget to love ourselves.”

Start telling yourself what you love about yourself.

Well, this is hard. You know what’s easy? Telling myself what I hate about myself. But let’s try this exercise. I have watched a series wherein they also did this but they only listed 5 things, so I will try that.

I love my height

I love my cheerful and optimistic side (even though it is tiring sometimes)

I love how I can make people laugh

I love my kilay

I love my dimples

Be one with what is

It says in the website, “ giving up on being perfect and beginning the journey of becoming your true self”. Well, that’s easy. I am not perfect. I know that. Again, I can list all of my imperfections in 10 minutes unlike exercise 1 which took my 30 minutes to list 5 things. face palm

but being one with what is, it’s kind of difficult to understand. Being okay with yourself. Isn’t that settling? Isn’t that going below average? But maybe I am the average and being myself is okay. Well, we will update on this because I am also confused on the matter HAHA

Focus less on winning the approval of others

Okay, this is difficult. We live in a world where every aspect of your life is posted on social media. Every event in your daily, mundane life is recorded. How the hell do you stop trying to get approval of others? Whenever I post something, someone is always there to comment – be it bad or good. Maybe I should get a social media hiatus, right?

“Your time on this planet is precious:

“What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it”

“Don’t wait around for someone else to give you permission to live”

Sooooo, if I sleep all day, what does that make me? Still important. I think I shouldn’t be bothered by what people think about my itinerary. I will do whatever makes me happy. #sleepislife

Distance yourself from those who bring you down

Wait, what if I don’t know those people? Should I know them?

“Being in a relationship is better than being in a wrong one” – OH SNAP, that hit me. I have been with this guy for a long time now (hello 7 years), and I still don’t see any progress with our relationship. Should I see progress? But I still don’t have the guts to let him go. I still love him. But in most times, we just aren’t in sync. I don’t know what to do with it, though.

“Know your worth” – still trying, I am so sorry.

“Quality over quantity” – ah, this I have done right. I think. But sometimes, I still feel like I was choosen last. You know those scenes in the movie, where the captain chooses their team mate? I always feel like I was the last one choosen. Maybe because they have been together longest? Or maybe because I don’t speak the language? Or maybe because of who I am as a person. But I don’t really blame them, I guess it’s my fault.

Forgive your past self.

I’m not so sure about this. I don’t really have a past to forgive on. Or do i?

(I just realized how long this list is, so I will try to be more concise)

Start making the changes you know you need to make

WHAT CHANGES?

“Just because something made you happy in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever” – this is him again. I think. But but but, he still makes me happy. Sometimes. Yea, im stupid that way.

Embrace the mistakes you haven’t even made yet

This looks fun. “Don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all”

Well, the thing is, I keep making the wrong decisions.

Show gratitude for who you are and what you have right now.

I am very grateful with what I have right now. I know there are a lot of people less fortunate that I am, and I am very much grateful for what I have. But sometimes, I really can’t control my jealous type. They have like this, they go to this, and whatever. But I keep telling myself that what I have now is more than enough and I shouldn’t feel bad about it. It’s an everyday struggle, but I know what I have.

I have always thought that I could get anything I want as long as I put my mind to it. But there are things that I really can’t have. That makes me angry and want to throw a tantrum but I realize that I am too old for that sht. I have to learn to accept these things, however hard it seems.

“There are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. So use pain, frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in conttol of the way you look at life.”

I will accept these things.

No matter how hard it is.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, so man up, self!

Do something every day that makes you happy

What if nothing makes me happy anymore?

“Life is short”

“Invest in the activities you deeply care about”

“You have to experience life on your terms before you can be life-giving to others”

I really need to get a hobby. Any suggestions?

Give yourself a fair chance to explore new ideas and opportunites

But how?

Hobbies. Interests. What.

Listen to your intuition and be honest with yourself about everything

Now, this is what this blog is all about. Being honest with myself. You see, I haven’t been honest with a lot of people in my life. I told lies to be interesting. I had to keep up with it. But then I realized, I don’t really have to do that. Fuck what people say, this is me. If you don’t love me, then leave. (I hope I am this confident in real life).

“Confidence comes from knowing that what youre doing is right, and that what you’re doing is right for YOU”

Believe in your abilities.

Focus in writing your story, instead of reading, watching, and hearing about everyone else’s

I feel like I have been doing this at some point of my life. I guess, my life was so boring I had to make it a bit interesting by watching others. But I realized again, that this was wrong.

Pay close attention to your life as you’re living it

This is what I am also practicing. Being in the present. Maybe because of my work that I have missed a lot of stuff happening in my loved one’s lives, but now I will try to be there. To be present. I used to ask myself whenever someone invites me, “what will I do there”. Today, I will answer myself with “Just be there, be present.”

Loosen up and be a little less serious about it all

I guess what’s good about me is that I don’t take it all seriously. Most of my friends can attest that. But I guess there are certain aspect in life that you should take seriously. Differentiating them is the lesson life gives you.

“people with good sense of humor have a better sense of life” REALLY NOW

Lastly, (thank God), Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too

Heh, this is hard. I have been known to be maldita and judgemental. How do I stop?

“people who love themselves come across as very caring, generous, and kind to others too”

so today, I will try to be loving and caring. It is hard. But I will really try to go out of my way to do this. I hope everyone does, to make this life a better place.

Parting thoughts: Start looking at yourself more. Notice yourself more. Eventually, you’ll realize you love yourself more. You have nothing else, but yourself, so you really don’t have a choice. I know I will do the same. This will be my self-help blog for loving myself. I will keep you posted on my “progress”, if there’s any.

Cheerios.