#but the assumption is that these ppl were trying to hide their gender rather than many ppl chose not to disclose their identity
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they cut off my tags on that thoreau post. i wrote like much more of a rant and tumblr didnt even tell me they were cuttin it before i pressed post
#listen. i would've been more concise if you made me#tales from diana#i get so passionate on the topic of pre-nineteenth-century female writers and their systemic exclusion from the literary canon#it drives me up a wall i could truly talk forever and ever about all of these misconceptions#lately the one that gets under my skin is 'look at these (well-remembered) female writers who wrote under a pen name'#my god especially if it's a MALE (or gender-neutral) pen name#first of all. the brontes did not have 'male' pen names. the gender of the bells was not known or presumed#but the assumption is that these ppl were trying to hide their gender rather than many ppl chose not to disclose their identity#bc they didnt want their identity to be known.#also many many many women chose unambiguously feminine pen names. ephelia or astrea or laura or lesbia#(yes very often aping latin/classical conventions)#or what jane austen published her work under initially? A Lady#that's not someone trying to avoid being judged as a woman but someone trying not to be known personally in the world. understandably#and many many early novelists were women. the novel was not a respected art form AT ALL in its early years#so it wasn't that controversial that many of the biggest novelists were women.#as the novel grew in perceived sophistication and respectability. the feminine aspect of its identity waned away slowly#and now the generations of aphra behns and eliza haywoods and fanny burneys and ann radcliffes are forgotten entirely#bc no one cared to preserve it!! THAT is the part of the systemic misogyny#not that zero women ever wrote or published anything. far from it#but it took a considerable amount of resourcefulness and/or privilege to achieve that in the first place#and even with that being accomplished. people did not value it enough to preserve it for future generations#we would not have shakespeare like we do without the first folio. that's a very significant historical fact in his legacy.#we'd have maybe a dozen or so plays. not 38.#but even today you do not go into a bookstore and find the complete works (or even plays) of aphra behn anywhere.#or susanna centlivre or mary pix or hannah cowley#how many people do you know who recognize those names? let alone how many people do you know who have READ their works?#very few. and they are not easy to fucking find anywhere either!#and often unless they've been selected in a series like oxford's world classics (god bless oxford's world classics btw!!!)#you won't find them except from very select sellers and often very expensively#many such early women novelists and playwrights have works so rare you cannot find them duplicated on public access sources
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so... i was recently outed to my parents by “concerned” family member(s), not sure if it was more than one, my dad exaggerates. then my dad found it necessary to call my husband to out me to him. it’s very odd how people will say they care about you and totally disregard your privacy. there was no interest in my health or wellbeing. it’s obvious because not a single one of these people found it necessary to reach out to me in any way, shape, or form. they’re only interest lies in how it reflects on the family to have a fucking freak in their midst, representing them. if there was any interest in my wellbeing they’d know that outing a person is deeply psychologically harmful. but i’m used to my privacy and boundaries not being respected, it’s just been a while since someone was so blatantly and thoroughly disrespectful to me. i’m tired.
my father called my husband and outlined my sexuality and gender identity like a fucking rube citing them as grounds to worry about the viability of our relationship. my father is unaware that dig has known for years. he’s under the misguided and quite honestly fucking ignorant assumption that that’s something i can or even feel the need to hide from him. news flash, just because you’re too much of a fucking phobic piece of shit to be trusted doesn’t mean others in my life are too. he assumes his experience is universal and dig did not confirm nor refute his accusations. he felt it was not his place to out me nor did he feel he was a person equipped to explain my experience. i respect that. honestly this is the first ever time i felt like dig had my back. he often plays devil’s advocate which is fucking cute until you’ve made yourself into a contrary asshole.
i’ve always been a person who wants to tell the truth. i rather be honest than have to keep my lies straight. i mean it’s easy to lie about myself but i rather not have to do it, i’m just very used to it. i’ve told my parents about my sexual trauma. i’ve told them both that i’m asexual, this is shit they already know but perhaps having it told to them by someone else makes it real?? idk... i find that listening to me is not a thing that many in my life concern themselves with. it’s not until shit goes sideways that i’m ever taken seriously. but both my parents know about my feelings toward sex and sexuality. i’ve outright told my mom i don’t see myself as a girl and when she said “oh you see yourself as a woman?” i said no, i see myself as a person. i’ve been leaving them fucking bread crumbs the whole time cuz deep down i do want them to know me. i don’t want to have to hide and even if it’s a product of my laziness i still rather not be dishonest. the shit was always in front of them. i never hid it. i just never talked about it because honestly at this point it doesn’t matter. when i was first discovering myself n shit it was a thing i talked about often. i would go back and piece together things from my past and it broadened my understanding of who i am and who i always have been. it’s like piecing together a puzzle that you thought you put together the right way only you’ve found some new pieces and lo and behold they fit with the already existing ones. like wtf... you thought you had a picture of a duck pond but it’s actually an ocean. or like being dealt a hand of cards, being told what they and to blindly believe that’s the truth. only years later you turn the cards over to see they’re not even playing cards and you were trying to play rummy with a deck of fucking pokemon cards.
i’ll have to have ~that~ conversation eventually but i’m deeply disturbed by the utter disregard of my agency and autonomy. again, i’m tired. this was a conversation i never anticipated having and i know i’ll be drained. my father has made it abundantly clear that me and people like me are a problem. that being the way i am is not only a moral failing but punishable. i’m the black person on the phone with a white person who thinks they’re white. the white person trashes black ppl and says all types of slurs til they find out they’ve been talking to a black person all along. but this isn’t some random racist stranger.... this is my family. the people i’m supposed to be able to trust the most, wtf am i supposed to do? within the past year this nigga has literally called homosexuality an epidemic. it’s a fucking disease to him. i kept the shit from them not only out of interest of not rocking the boat but also to protect myself. it’s not like this is the first time i’ve been outed and outwardly disrespected by my family. when they found out i was atheist they lost their fucking shit. they have proven to me they are not people whom i can trust.
#family#lgbt#being outed#journal#168#progress#the big shrink#in a real bad spot yall#real fuckin bad
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