chocolate-failure

[chocolate-failure]

I never update but I'm okay. Well as okay as someone with an entirely fragmented sense of self or maybe it's fractured? Idk... I have more and more instances of knowing with my entire being that I am someone else. It's a creeping and insidious experience that no one I tell seems to grasp because who tf else could I possibly be? And that's the question of the mfkn day, I just know I'm not me, my body isn't mine and neither are my thoughts as they are borne of a brain that doesn't belong to me. Somehow only my consciousness is the only me, like the impulses and involuntary thoughts I experience are not mine. They haven't been planted there as far as I understand, they're just borne of a person that isn't me. It's worse when I'm sick or stressed but like even the mildest illness or stressful situation triggers it now.

I am perpetually dissociated and it seems to get worse with each instance. I used to dissociate during migraines but now I feel like I'm not me. When I took too many laxatives and got sick I'd just lay and let the nausea roll over me but now I'm drawing closer and closer to not being me in order to endure it. Something as simple as having a conversation has me dissociating like I'm going to an obgyn visit when it used to feel like non-threatened semi autopilot it's threatened full autopilot. And while you'd think taking a back seat to your experience means that you're saving energy by processing less, it kinda fucking doesn't. Unplugging is energy intensive because it is a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. My nervous system seems to think even the smallest experiences are high level threats but I still need to remember shit, I still need to b3 engaged with people for work and stuff so it's like shutting all the lights off then running around and lighting candles all over the fucking place to do work that should be done under full light. It's goddamn stressful but at least I look nice ig.

[chocolate-failure]

This year, I have been mistaken for a dude IN PERSON twice. Not gon lie, it's a bit euphoric to feel like some of my work is paying off. And I really fucking hate the stereotype that nonbinary people live to sow chaos cuz yes but I'm not out in these streets busting a nut at people's confusion. It's less about their confusion and more about what it implies. It means that to other people who do not know me, I code androgynous enough that I could be mistaken for a dude even in passing. I am under no delusion that I look like a man, nor do I really want to honestly. It's just really nice to see that over a decade working on my presentation is finally getting me to a place where I'm may be rounding the corner on where I want to be eventually. And of course I'm constantly reevaluating where exactly that is but knowing that it's a place means that it can be reached or at least worked toward is so mfkn important.

It's inspiring. So to that middle aged airport employee who kept me from walking through TSA precheck like a dumb bitch cuz the airport is confusing af, thank you 😌 To the older gentleman in the hotel lobby who said "he was first in line, no wait she, no wait he, or whatever." Thank you, because without the unadulterated unsolicited input of strangers I really have little perspective to truly know how others perceive me. Like of course I trust other people in my life but there's something just pure about having a random stranger not know wtf to call you. It's the unsullied input of people who have no investment in my life and are just working from instincts.

And speaking of pure, I've def had kids think I was a dude but I don't really count them cuz they really don't be understanding the word, not that a middle aged dude in fucking arkansas understands much more but he's at least seen a lot more. But anyway. I've been feeling pretty good about those developments and while weight stuff and brain stuff are ongoing mfkn problems I at least have the fact that I look like a femboy to keep me cozy at night 😌

[chocolate-failure]

Art by Ryan Thompson

[chocolate-failure]

In ga on a work trip and it's p chill. My weight is thr lowest it's been in a minute. I got a kg scale and I kinda love it. I'm at 70.1 which is roughly what... 156ish... maybe closer to 157 but I'm super coolin'

[chocolate-failure]

Idk man things have been rough. Like not the worst it could be but fuck man idk... It's been anreally long time since I last updated so I guess I'll try to remember all that's happened.

I bought a new car. It's a ridgeline. I really like it, it's blue. I still need to get rid of my old car but I've been both super busy and not home. I'm doing a survey in Arkansas from all the tornados that came through there back on April 2nd.

I just finished up last Thursday but they wouldn't release me home until all the data was sent out. I was Finished Friday morning so I was pretty goddamn disappointed about it and ended up eating a bunch and freaking out and eating some more. I'm prob out of the 150s rn which causes me so much goddamn stress. As a matter of fact I might go throw up rn. Of course I can't have my vomit knife cuz they won't let you bring butter knives on the plane but scissors are perfectly fine?? I have a big ass pair of scissors in my bag at all times just in fuckin case y'know. But they're longer and sharper than a butter knife so idk...

Yeah ima do that rn brb...

[chocolate-failure]

Fairly certain I experience a more acute psychosis during migraine. I had one today and felt like I was something else again. Like a worm or something. Something rudimentary so that can comfortably process the pain I'm in. I even more readily do not recognize myself as self and I don't think it's getting worse so much as it's becoming more identifiable. I hope it's not getting worse, because that means it's probably bleeding into my everyday life. Yeah, I like to think I'm just getting better at recognizing it.

[chocolate-failure]

Lmfao

[chocolate-failure]

you know who’s a great monster girl? the bear from annihilation 

[chocolate-failure]

𝓛𝓮𝓰𝓸𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓛𝓸𝓸𝓰𝓲𝓮𝓼✨️

Genre: Smutty Fluff

Pairing: Seonghwa x Reader

Word count: ~1.4k

Tags: Fluff, NSFW, established relationship, blowjob, lego!hwa, gender neutral reader, [((sounds))]

Note: So I haven't written smut in literal years and still feel like I'm p garbo atm so I don't think I'll post this to ao3... however, progress is progress even if it's not linear and I really appreciate @hoesheez for matching my freak on the daily, it actually means a whole mfkn lot 😤

Raindrops gently patter against the skylight, casting quiet shadows that glide paradoxically along the floor. A faint draft breaths through the dimly lit room, carrying with it the smell of petrichor, a harbinger of quieter times. Though the lights are low the desk lamp illuminates the room just enough to discern the brightly colored pieces of plastic scattered along the desk's surface while still maintaining the moodᵀᴹ.

The reverberative sound of your mouth echoes in your ears, threatening to drown out the steadily crescendoing moans from above you. A lilting yet resolute scent sends hushed whispers down your spine, demanding recognition. Jasmine woven sensually between peppery warm notes of vanilla and cedar seize your senses. Inviting. Intoxicating. Igniting every nerve in your body, focusing your rapped attention to the appendage your mouth is so lavishly wrapped around. 𝘔𝘖𝘙𝘌. You allow your grip to loosen slightly as the warm body before you draws you in closer, the fluffy expanse of the rug yielding beneath your knees.

It's positively wild that only moments ago you were topside, so to speak, sitting 𝘢𝘵 the desk rather than kneeling beneath it but life comes at you fast. And while the carrot is mightier than the sword it's no match for present company. As abruptly as you've found yourself here you'd like to savor this experience for as long as you possibly can. Savor him✨️

You feel his thighs tense, momentarily breaking your concentration as Seonghwa gently brings both hands to either side of your face. You melt into his touch and he regards you sweetly, eyes hooded as he bends forward to press his lips to yours. And just like that, you're breathless again. The sensation is all too familiar yet takes you clean tf out everytime, you'd honestly be falling to your knees if you weren't already on them. He nudges his chair back to allow more clearance between your head and the desk, guiding you with his dreamy yet pointed gaze. Enraptured, you patiently wait for him to reposition himself, watching his dick bob eagerly from over the lacy hem of his underwear.

He grins at you, tongue peeking between his teeth in his sexiest blep to date. You crane your neck upward, a silent request to which he happily obliges with a seductive hum. You revel in the softness of his lips, drinking him in like buttered rum, comforting, heated, and decadent. His tongue presses gently against your lips, an appeal equal parts warm and urgent, that you grant with just as much enthusiasm. Thumbing the head of his dick you give it a few slow pumps, causing him to sigh into your mouth as his body hitches and his lips curl into a smile against yours.

You've always been a staunch supporter of his cute expressions and mannerisms but above all you've come to treasure his sounds. His satoori, his laughs– his moans. Every utterance its own work of art and tonight you plan to conduct an invariable symphony. With little warning, you gulp down his full length, eliciting a loud hiss and shudder from his perfect fucking lips “Oh, you're cute” tilting his head back “Are we trying to get wrecked on the bedroom floor cuz that's how you get wrecked on the bedroom floor”. You smile coyly to yourself. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘺 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥, 𝘮𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘢 6/10 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘯 𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘸𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘣𝘴, 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘶𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘴.

You wordlessly begin bobbing your head, sucking between measured breaths and strokes of your fist at a pace you know is driving him crazy because he shut right tf up. With your other hand you massage his inner thigh causing him to groan softly, as you allow your fingers to migrate tantalizingly close to the silky expanse of his panties. You cup his balls through the fabric applying the slightest bit of pressure as you suck his dick like it's the cure to depression.

As his moans become increasingly desperate, nimble fingers furtively thread their way through your hair setting your insides ablaze. 𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘺𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘏𝘸𝘢. His hand settles at the base of your skull, causing you to look up. His other hand is covering half his face, eyebrows knit like he's going through a fucking ordeal. His eyes flutter open, letting out an unholy gasp followed by a creen that nearly makes your soul leave your body when you release the head of his dick with a satisfying pop.

His fingertips apply the most fleeting pressure to your nape and you know that he's almost there. “Yes?” you offer expectantly, as he caresses your cheek and casts his thumb over your bottom lip. His eyes scan your face with smoldering intensity for what feels like an eternity.

“Spit on it.”

Sultry and demanding but still somehow soft, his voice, bruised by a tinge of vocal fry, cuts through the fog of your arousal like a hot knife through butter. Leveling him with a wanton gaze you obediently extend your tongue and allow a band of saliva to drip onto his dick, your heated breaths causing it to twitch in anticipation. He swallows thickly, attempting to regain a semblance of composure as he moves his hand to the crown of your head. 𝘖𝘮𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘺 𝘱𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘶𝘮??

And there it is, The Lookᵀᴹ. You don't profess to be an expert and it doesn't always happen but you know a he/him bbygrl when you see one. When the flip happens and he becomes an absolute needy mess. You feel his body relax, turning to putty in your hands, practically begging to be edged within an inch of his life. And how could you not oblige?

With your dominant hand you gradually pick up the pace on his dick while lacing his fingers between the fingers of your other hand, 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘣𝘺𝘨𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘮. 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘸𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘵. He definitely wants to watch but you both know he'll cum on the spot if he does.

You bide your time, punctuation every few strokes with laps and kisses to the head of his dick as his hips ungulate against your hand. It's only when his hips begin to shutter and his moans hit their fever pitch do you make your first and final command “Look at me Hwa”. He flinches at the order, squeezing your hand and opening his eyes to regard you with the most insanely erotic, bordering on baleful, gaze. 𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘶𝘴. At this point you have more control over his body than he does and with a final groan that crescendos into a broken sob he cums, hips sputtering, eyes wild, and mouth agape.

𝘖𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘦, 𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘢 9.5/10. Your own arousal threatens to tip you over the edge and in this moment a blissed out Seonghwa is your anchor, his brow, still furrowed in planctive ecstasy, his dark brown hair framing his angelic features, his lips? His absolutely fucking perfect pillowy soft lips, pulling you in with all the magnetic force of a celestial body? You lean forward to kiss him and despite having just cum the hardest he's ever cum in living memory he reciprocates eagerly. With one hand on his bare thigh, you move in closer, only to be struck by a sharp pain that shoots up your right leg and causes your whole body to double over into Seonghwa's lap.

“Oh god, are you okay!?” Seonghwa's worry is palpable as he brings his hands to your sides.

“Y/N?”

Without looking, you reach to your knee to grab the offending object. Sitting up from his lap you wordlessly present the little orange carrot to the love of your life, who stares in bemusement before giggling. You can’t help but to giggle yourself, of course the very thing that started your tryst would also be what ended it in such hilarious fashion. Falling back into Seonghwa's lap you wrap your arms around his waist, shuddering with peels of laughter. A perfect end to a perfect night.

[chocolate-failure]

Idk if I'll ever be happy to be me but he makes me feel like I could be~

[chocolate-failure]

His✨️ Influence

[chocolate-failure]

One big mfkr comin right up

[chocolate-failure]

𝓣𝓱𝓮𝓼𝓮 𝓢𝓱𝓪𝓺-𝓐-𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓸𝓾𝓼 𝓭𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝓼 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓢𝓱𝓪𝓺-𝓐-𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓸𝓾𝓼 𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓼✨️

[chocolate-failure]

My period this month had been positively nightmarish. I'm still in a good deal of pain but earlier it was damn near unbearable. I was literally writhing in pain on the floor and passed out in the tub. It was worse than how it was back in May of 2023. I def don't feel in control of my abdominal muscles but it doesn't feel like my guts are spilling out this time around. It feels more like my entrails are being pulled out through my taint instead of my spilling out of my stomach.

I had a migraine a week and a half ago... erm maybe the 13th? It felt like it was about time. Like some migraines are caused by stuff but I'm really good at avoiding triggers so it seems like I mostly just deal with the product of my fucked up hormones. They usually usher in a menstruation cycle. I wouldn't be surprised if I looked up the phases that my headaches coincide with higher estrogen levels or just a large change in levels.

I took a bath and feel way better. I want to sleep but I can't. I have a dental cleaning at 9:30 so I'm not getting much sleep if any 🥴 God I'm glad that the worst of my period seems to be over. It's fucking tiring being in sm pain 🫠

[chocolate-failure]

S/o to my tiddies looking fat af in this suit

I honestly hate it. Everytime I gain weight I gain a lil bit of permatiddy and it makes me so mfkn dysphoric. It just compounds my disgustingly internalized fatphobia 🤕 am I not sick enough without having actual physical non-delulu manifestations of what makes me so deplorably me. I haven't gone to the gym in over a week. Though I did finally write my review for the gym I no longer visit after being assaulted there.

It is freeing and gives me peace of mind to commit it to writing while warning others of a potential danger since the gym took no action against the perpetrator. I don't think I mentioned it here but I did a vlog about it and I'll put an excerpt from my review up.

What I didn't include is that he peeked into one of the showers and scared the literal fuck out of this lady. She and another lady went to report it after me. And I can't help but to feel reminded of how in true crime a predator will go on to escalate and hurt others when people don't say anything and/or authorities don't do anything. I feel lowkey responsible for anyone else he would go on to violate because while I can't undo the harm I can help to prevent undue harm.

[chocolate-failure]

hi~

[chocolate-failure]

7/23/24 Rolling Migraines

Woke up with a migraine at 10:00

Another migraine at 12:00 on the way to the store

Another at 1:00 inside the store

Car didn't come on so I'm waiting for the things to charge to jump it.

And another at 1:30 while leaving the store

Idk what that shit was about, but this was the most horrible week ever. My cousin was killed by the police, started bleeding, I was sexually assaulted, ended up my brand new alertator went tf out, and dig had a problem with me I don't remember what..