#but the other reason alex agreed to do it is bc he feels guilty for being part of the reason thomas fell like 30 feet and broke his ass

[ovrarches]

How are flowershop AU Alex and Thomas doing? 🪻

Thomas is questioning the decision to hire the annoying flower delivery boy to take care of his ridiculously large collection of plants, because tbh the guy’s not great at his job but he’s the only one who puts up with Thomas’s really specific and nonsensical demands (unlike the other 5 plant sitters he’s hired and fired)

Alex is desperately calling Herc, the owner of the flower shop, to ask for advice at all hours of the day. He also takes this time to remind Hercules that he is not in a weird botanical sugar baby arrangement but yes Thomas is paying him a stupid amount of money for this and law school is expensive

[panelshowsource]

rather than who you would like to see on the next taskmaster series, who do you think will be on it? like just your predictions or any inklings you may have!

anon if you're still around then you'll know i really took my time with this hahaha so sorry! i hope anyone reading this takes it as just a bit of fun and nbd, who knows who we'll get or who alex & the network have in mind! i'm answering thoughtfully (bc i always feel guilty not to 😩 so sorry this is long lol) but it's really just fun!!

i will say, of the more recent-ish series, i did get a few right!!! krishnan guru-murthy, nicola coughlan, alan davies, judi love, sue perkins, john robins, and joanne mcnally were people i just knew would eventually be on if the show could get their schedules right, and i was also certain sarah millican and dara ó briain would be asked — though not necessarily that they'd actually agree. when you have a level of seniority and esteem, the "it's such a great opportunity" aspect of the show isn't such a draw 😅 for some reason i feel SO PROUD about guessing nicola! i was just WAITING and wish sooooo much she had done a full series 😭😭😭 (how fun would saoirse-monica jackson be too!)

anyways, as for people who haven't been on yet — and this isn't to say i want them all to be, just that i think it's likeliest they have been asked or will be asked; i talked about who i want to see a little while ago here — it's important to consider the casting 'roles' the network has in mind when working with the producers to form a series, so i will keep that in mind too!

established comedian, typically a straight white man over 40: bill bailey, vic reeves, harry hill, geoff norcott, kevin bridges, adam buxton, ade edmondson, paul whitehouse (tommy tiernan? god i feel bad for not saying ed byrne but why do i feel like he's not gonna make it in the next few series? i'm on the fence with nick helm — unless he's friends with alex, then his chances go up significantly imo — and tom allen for some reason, and i feel like john bishop is almost too much of an ask?)

fresh talent comedian, typically a man under 40: rhys james, huge davies, ahir shah, darren harriott would be my top guesses but tbh any of the semi-recent edinburgh comedy award finalists are good bets as a majority of the winners from the last ~10 years have been on the series + throwing out tom rosenthal (i know he's not fresh fresh and also mostly an actor)...and, like, jazz emu?...just because if taskmaster know how much its audience adores weird little white twinks then they'll cast them

female or non-binary comedian: 100% sarah keyworth + harriet kemsley, maisie adam, jess fostekew, suzi ruffell. i've shifted away from betting on cariad lloyd and catherine bohart for some reason... (joanne was my no.1 lady bet for the last like 4 series hahaha)

non-comedian: this is very, very hard to predict because between comedy actors, non-comedy actors, tv presenters, news people, reality & social media stars... the potential predictions are just so endless! logically, the most likely is an established actor with a lot of comedy connections (think sally phillips, lolly adefope, liza tarbuck, sian gibson, daisy may cooper, susan wokoma; this category is where tm gets quite a few of its female contestants): matt holness, kevin eldon, amanda abbington, tom davis, sharon horgan, kathy burke, georgia tennant (also friends w alex?), su pollard, tom basden, apparently anyone from the cast of ghosts, and so on and so on and so on... + i'll also throw out maggie aderin-pocock as a serious contender + i really feel like one of the spice girls will be on new years treat

friend of alex: john robins was the prediction for the past few series, so just worth keeping in mind other people in this circle include elis james, matthew crosby, tom neenan, and so on

freebie answers because alex/greg have mentioned them before: jack dee, lorraine kelly, joanna lumley (i want jennifer saunders SO BAD give us an epic series w both ade and jen pleaseeee tm gods!!!!)

complete wild card bets that are either my instincts kicking in or my bias taking over: limmy, adam buxton, paddy mcguinness, diane morgan, daniel sloss, joel dommett, jess hynes, spencer jones??, alasdair beckett-king or josh pugh + if suzy izzard wasn't doing a big nyc show i'd say that's a good guess if only bc you know greg & alex grew up big fans

did i mention too many people?? if i had to put my money behind a single person it would be either ahir shah or sarah keyworth

these are almost all of my fr big heavy hitters when it comes to placing bets! but there are of course so many people i didn't name who i could totally see on either a main series or the ny treat — so many people just make sense and that's the beauty of taskmaster!!

[joanofarkansass]

Part 33 Meta

Ok watching “Part 33” Law and Order: SVU S20E14 and it’s such a good character study of all the SVU characters. For context the case is when a woman, Annabeth Pearl, kills her abusive husband. The episode is spliced between he team is waiting there to testify for Stone and the case itself and is shot entirely in the courthouse (which is smart move on the writers part it really narrows the scope and sets it apart from a regular episode). The viewers really see the team’s attitudes toward justice, morality, and duty especially how it intersects -- and occasionally interferes -- with their jobs. Spoilers obviously 

Sonny- He’s the most outwardly emotional out of the gang and the audience can see how he really empathizes and cares about justice for Annabeth instead of justice to Annabeth, despite her being the defendant. He argues passionately with Rollins and on the stand adds his own (legal) conjecture to his testimony with Stone, putting doubt on the loving marriage between Annabeth and her husband, directly undermining Stone. Drawing back, Sonny knows that cases don’t end when they leave the squad-room and the victim’s and perpetrator’s futures continue into the courtroom and he takes his moral compass seriously. He’s studying to be a lawyer. In his job as a cop his job is to back up the ADA and land a conviction, but he doesn’t believe she should go to jail (that her killing was justified) so on the stand, sure he tells the truth, but also does whatever he can to get her justice. Though his earnestness is a little self absorbed, it’s genuine and well meant and I think this will serve him so well as a lawyer. It’d be interesting to see in later seasons when he’s a ADA what he will do when he has to persue a case he doesn’t morally agree with.

Liv- her monologue about being in a abusive relationship and the little things that strip away your dignity is heartbreaking (Mariska you deserve an Emmy for this scene btw) (it’s also connected to the abuse she suffered at the hands of Lewis). She cares so much for the victims, it’s her greatest asset, and here it’s confounded by her strong duty to the law. This case is simple. Annabeth, according to the law, deserves to go to jail. She wasn’t in physical danger from her husband (not that anyone can prove at any rate). But Liv also knows that shooting her husband was the right thing to do in order to get out of that situation. Illegal, but right. These parts of her are at war (just like with that donor heart episode and Alex Cabot episodes in S19) and she chooses to tell the truth--to put Annabeth away-- because in the end the rule of law can’t be subverted no matter how immoral it can be

 Rollins. Oh darling, you’ve been through so much shit. Like, lets be real here the entire team has, but you especially. And the unfurling of her backstory, with her father beating her mother and her consequent resentment of her mother for failing to protect her and Rollins is heartbreaking. She was a child and those complicated, complicated emotions distilled in her, to the outside eye’s, in a confusing (illogical) way. She occasionally victim blames and we can see the origins of that tendency here in how her mother, herself a victim, failed to protect her and keep her family together. Is that fair? No. Is what Rollins went through fair? No. And like how what Liv went through with Lewis affected her and her work, what Rollins past affected her work and outlook too. We see it in her advocacy for “innocent until proven guilty” and her belief in the strength of the victims even at the worst point their lives. So yes, she believes in the law. She believes that Annabeth should be in jail. For her, that’s right. *

Stone- it’s easy to see him as the bad guy here, but for me it was a lot more nuanced than that. Part of it is a performance of course, he’s a prosecutor trying to get a conviction (if he wants to win he can’t be playing for the other side), but he does genuinely believe he’s getting justice. Especially as a ADA, he sees the worst of humanity and puts them to justice for it. He takes what the cops give him and make sure it stick that victims get justice. You can’t subvert the law, its the law. In order for anything to get done, there has to be some black and white. Guilty and Innocent. Truth and farce. And no matter how moral it may have been- no matter what Annabeth felt- she still killed her husband in cold blood. And just as her husband should have been accountable for his actions, she has to be accountable for hers. Nuance belongs at sentencing, but she did it. That’s what he’s trying to prove. 

Fin- We love some depth!! Fin can sometimes be treated as a one note character, and I’m glad Ice-T got to stretch his leg this episode. His whole facade “this is just another case to me” is peeled back by Liv and his story about throwing a fighting fish back into the bay was a touching way of showing his true feelings. He doesn’t believe she belongs in prison. But it’s not his place to judge, it’s the law’s. The law may not always be just or kind or even moral, but (on the whole) it’s consistent. It’s fair. And if we subvert it, we face a worse life than if we had one. 

I also really liked the ending. We don’t see the verdict, just Annabeth’s expression of horror as Liv testifies that she didn’t feel remorse about killing her husband, effectively nailing the lid on her coffin. It’s not ambiguous, the audience knows that she’s going to jail, but it stops that the emotional climax- Liv’s testimony. It doesn’t draw out the inevitable, it leaves the audience pondering the same questions that the team did. Is the law always just? What would you do if it wasn’t? Is it even your place to judge?

Thanks for reading! This was just an emotional reaction from me after watching the episode for the first time and I’d love to hear your reactions.

- Joan

Tagging some people bc I’m really proud of this: @hurricanejjareau, @qvid-pro-qvo, @writefasttalkevenfaster, @crazyshannonigans, @ssaic-jareau

PS: Personally, I’m in Fin’s camp. The law is there for a reason and if we broke it for any injustice it would eventually encroach on personal freedoms. Is it disgusting that he abused Annabeth? Without a doubt. Is it legal? Sadly, yeah. And until the law changes, it’s our duty to follow it. Should it be changed? That is the question. (this is just my opnion btw and I totally get and respect if you disagree)

*Do I believe Rollins should be in therapy? Hells yes. Her perspective is valid and needed as a counter part to Liv and Carisi more emotional ones, but it’s coming from a place that isn’t good. 

[spaceskam]

I'd love to see someone explore kyle being at the gay bar possibly hoping alex walks in? gone there bc of feelings for alex and wanting to explore it? have gone there with alex once and kept going back? has actually gone there ever since getting back to roswell but nobody noticed? idk so many possibilities but ending up with alex 😌

(i keep trying to add a read more and it refuses I hate it)

“You know, gay bars are supposed to be safe places, not places straight people go to for a museum experience.”

Kyle quickly looked up to Alex, eyes wide as he watched him walk towards him. In all the time he’d been coming here, he never actually expected to run into Alex here. Alex didn’t exactly seem the type to actually go out without being provoked to do so. It meant Kyle had to actually explain himself.

Which, you know, would’ve been easier if he knew how to.

“That’s... not what I’m doing,” Kyle said. Alex smirked more to himself than anyone else, sitting down at the table with his drink in hand. He looked more relaxed than Kyle was used to seeing him which immediately told him that absolutely was not his first drink.

“What are you doing then?” Alex asked, “Because I’ve been trying to figure out why the hell you’re in here for about thirty minutes now.”

Kyle huffed a laugh. “You’ve been watching me for thirty minutes?”

“I was trying to see what you would do if a guy came up to ask you to dance,” Alex told him, “Weirdly enough, no one did.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m anyone’s type around here,” Kyle laughed, shifting in his seat to try and hide the actual reason no one asked him to dance. There were only so many queer people in Roswell bold enough to go to a gay bar. Kyle had already been there enough times that anyone interested had already asked.

“Bullshit,” Alex said, shaking his head and looking way too hot doing it, “You just give off vibrant cishet vibes.”

Kyle tilted his head at his clearly very drunk friend. “That’s a new descriptor.”

“Yeah, I think it’s fitting.”

“I don’t know if I’d say that,” Kyle said, taking a sip of his own drink. If he was going to have to do this, he needed to catch up to Alex’s level of intoxication immediately. He ended up downing it before he looked back at Alex.

“Oh, shit, so you’re trying to get drunk to avoid to question,” Alex said, still smiling and laughing easily. It was weird seeing him so light. Kyle was kind of obsessed with it even if his presence was stressful. “Here, have mine.”

Kyle took it and drank it all, deciding he needed at least one more before he was at Alex’s level.

“How about this,” Alex said, leaning forward, “I buy you a drink and you dance with me.”

Kyle licked his lips and stared at him. All his visits here, all his experimenting, seemed to lead up to this moment. That was all training and dumb shit to test the waters and make sure he wasn’t a fool. This... this was the real deal. This was Alex, his friend and the guy who made him question anything in the first place. This was like fighting the big boss. This was the fucking Superbowl. 

“Why are you staring at me like a deer caught in headlights? You want a drink or no?” Alex asked, still smiling. Kyle blinked out of his daze and nodded.

“Yes, absolutely,” he agreed. Alex nodded and stood up, walking to the bar to get him another drink. Kyle took that moment to prepare himself, knowing that this was the night he was going to come out to Alex and it was going to be fucking awesome. Hopefully. Maybe. Fuck. 

Coming out was easier said than done. It was one thing to stroll into a gay bar for the first time with no confidence and be boosted up by a ballsy twink who gave him head before the end of the night. It was one thing to get comfortable with the idea of being with men and trying his own hand at new things with strangers in their cars. All of that was easy because he wasn’t even necessarily attracted to them, it was just a good way to experiment and they didn’t mind teaching him when he admitted that he was new to it all. It was something completely different to try and approach his friend who was so confident he was straight and say ‘hey, I might be in love with you in a gay way’. 

But Alex came over with a drink and kept looking at him like he was curious and Kyle tried to tell himself this was going to go his way.

“So, am I ever going to find out the real reason you’re here?” Alex said as Kyle tried to consume the drink as fast as he could so they could go dance, “It’s not to, like, creep on women who come here for other women, right? Because I might have to kick your ass for that.”

“No, that’s definitely not why,” Kyle said, pulling the straw out and just tilting the whole thing back. Alex shook his head.

“What the hell are you hiding, Valenti?” he asked, looking somewhere between amused and turned on and Kyle had exactly no idea how to handle that. Probably because there’s no way that’s what he was actually feeling.

“Let’s dance,” Kyle said, pushing himself to his feet and absorbing the slightly woozy feeling of the alcohol. 

“Yeah, let’s.”

Kyle avoided any looks the men he’d hooked up with before gave him as he pulled Alex onto the floor. They didn’t need to know anything and Alex definitely didn't need to get any ideas from them. He wanted to tell Alex himself. That was the goal.

Alex pulled him close, a challenging look in his eye as if he was just waiting for some type of line to be crossed. He grabbed his hand in one of his and put the other on his lower back, slow-dancing to the relatively fast-paced music. Kyle went along with every move.

“So, what’s the goal here?” Alex asked, leaning in close to speak. Kyle swallowed harshly at the feeling of his breath on his ear. Okay, so there was no time being wasted.

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you at a gay bar?” Alex asked again, “And why are you so okay with dancing with a gay guy? I’m trying to decipher your motives.”

“I’m not some straight guy trying to prove that I’m not a homophobe anymore if that’s what you mean,” Kyle told him, “I come here because I like the atmosphere.”

“What straight guy comes to a gay bar by himself?”

Kyle took a deep breath and focused on the alcohol in his system. Now or never.

“Why are you so sure I’m straight?”

Alex froze in his grasp before he leaned away from him, his eyebrows furrowed as he eyed him. Kyle stared back, unwavering and trying not to seem like a total loser. There was no way this was going to end the way he would’ve liked. 

“So... what do you mean by that?”

“I guess the word is bisexual?” Kyle said, “Or something. I’ve talked to a couple guys here and they agree that sounds right. I’m pretty sure my percentage is, like, 85% women, 15% men, or maybe even less towards men, but I’m still working it out, I just know it’s there on some level because when I look at you, I... Is that too much information?”

Alex was still staring at him like he’d grown another head. Kyle just waited and hoped he would be okay with that. He assumed he would be considering Alex didn’t seem to have a problem with Michael’s bisexuality. Except that confusion slowly slipped into something so close to betrayal that Kyle’s heart sank.

“Are you trying to say that you’re into me?” Alex asked. Kyle slowly nodded and Alex pulled away from him. “So, what, you’ve only been nice to me for the last year because you wanna fuck me?” Kyle’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head.

“What? No, oh my-”

Alex didn’t care to listen, shaking his head and quickly making a beeline for the exit. Kyle quickly followed him all while trying to follow Alex’s thought process. Of all the reactions he’d expected Alex to have at that moment, that wasn’t it.

“Alex! Wait, just talk to me!” Kyle called, following him to his car. “Just let me explain!”

“Explain what? That you’re just one of those people who is an asshole until you want something from me? Because that’s what I’m hearing. I thought you were my friend,” Alex said as he turned to face him. His face was red and Kyle didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the anger. 

“No, I swear to God, that’s not why I’m nice to you,” Kyle said, holding his hands up, “I didn’t even know I was into guys until, like, four months ago. Like I said, my percentage for liking men is extremely low. You just happen to be in that section and I didn’t realize until four months ago. You are my friend, I just... Wouldn’t mind also being more than that if you wanted.”

“Four months ago?” Alex repeated, eyeing him skeptically, “Like, four months ago as in that time my dad knocked us out and locked us in a small ass bunker together for 24 hours?” 

Kyle grimaced, still keeping his hands up by his head. “Guilty.”

“What the fuck about that day gave you a second sexual awakening? I-I was literally sweating the entire fucking time and covered in dried blood. I was gross.”

“What can I say? I guess I like when you’re gross?” Kyle said, trying to smile but it didn’t really work. Alex scoffed, shaking his head before raking his hands through his hair.

“I’m so confused,” Alex breathed, leaning against his car and covering his eyes. Kyle took a deep breath and tried to order his thoughts. He decided the best way to do it was just start from the beginning.

“Um, I think it was actually when we got out. I had to kinda help you walk and you were leaning on me and then, when we got in the backseat of Isobel’s car, you still leaned on me. You fell sleep on my shoulder and I, I was so scared that if I moved you’d wake up and get away from me. It took me a few hours after that to even realize that what I was feeling when you were leaning against me was sort of how I felt in high school with Liz,” Kyle explained. Alex peaked up at him through his hands. “It wasn’t sexual at first. I just... I kinda realized I loved you in a way I wasn’t supposed to.”

“At first?” Alex asked. Kyle shrugged.

“That I realized a little bit later when we were working on self-defense together. I definitely should’ve realized that earlier because I’ve had, like, x-rated dreams about you, but it never really clicked that that was something I would be legit interested in that until I saw you that day. Sweaty and shirtless and breathing really hard and pouring water over your chest like... Sorry,” Kyle said, rolling his shoulders back as he tried to get back on track, “But once I realized that, I realized I had no idea what to do about that. So I started coming here and, well, pretty much every single queer guy in Roswell is down for a meaningless fuck. I learned a lot, so...”

Alex dropped his hands, still looking semi-conflicted as he stared at him. Kyle waited patiently for him to say something. 

“You promise me you weren’t just using me?” Alex asked. Kyle nodded.

“I promise. I would never. And if you’re not interested, I promise we can just go back to acting like this never happened. It’s still early enough in my stupid crush that I can move on without issues if you say you’re not interested,” Kyle explained. Alex nodded slowly. “So, uh... are you? Interested?”

“I don’t know,” Alex huffed, “I’ve never thought about it.”

“Never?” Kyle asked. Alex gave him a look. 

“Not, like, since we were kids and I had, like, a dumb little kid crush on you. I kinda haven’t let myself think about it because you’re straight. Or, I thought you were.”

“If it helps, I thought I was too.”

Alex let out a soft laugh, looking at him with those eyes that reminded him why the hell he’d fallen for him in the first place. If only he’d been slightly less good looking or slightly less ridiculously caring and loyal and strong. But then he wouldn’t be Alex.

“Look, I don’t need an answer right now, I know I kinda put you on the spot,” Kyle said, “You can sleep on it or we can talk more or, fuck, you can shut me down right now. Whatever you want, Alex.”

Alex took a deep breath. “How about we go on a date?” Kyle blinked in surprise.

“For real?”

“Yeah,” Alex decided, “Take me out, woo me, see if it’s actually something we could do without it being weird.” Kyle nodded easily.

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“Okay. Then... it’s a date.”

“It’s a date.”

Kyle couldn’t help but smile at him, feeling giddy and already beginning to plan it in his mind. It was going to be fucking great and he was going to sweep him off his feet. Then he was going to put his new skills to use.

“But I think I need to go home now,” Alex said, huffing a laugh.

“Let me get you an uber or something, you’ve been drinking,” Kyle said, already pulling out his phone. Alex smiled and shook his head.

“What a gentleman.”

“That’s not even the beginning,” he said, “I’m going to sweep you off your feet.”

“Can’t wait.”

And, honestly, Kyle couldn’t either.

[finsaraan]

i just want you to know - this is the abridged version. i wrote something longer. and it was really prosey fancy and vaguely like an actual ficlet, but i felt like, there isn’t a chance in hell of anybody finishing this unless i file off at least a few paragraphs and fill it with the amusing use of casual language and luis-from-ant-man-style retellings to juxtaposition the setting and theme of the story being told

anyway @kohledtouch @championofstendarr @laelaloola (especially u u agreed to this and u didn’t even kno, this is a lesson in looking before u leap) y’all enabled this, gotta face the consequences of ur actions hit me up w/ how many paragraphs u got in before ur soul left ur body and idk what i’ll owe u but i’ll owe u something LMAO

Well he’s Titus Mede II’s son and his name is Alexandros and his mum is Olympias the emperor’s second wife and she married him when she was 17 bc her family wanted the power and she’s a descendant of a usurped Septim emperor from way yonder through the mists of time. So she has this baby boy, hooray, he’s adorable with his wavy blond hair and his odd eyes, one’s blue one’s green, and he spends his childhood frolicking barefoot through the White Gold Tower’s private gardens which it would realistically have as the home of the royal family, and chilling with the soldiers in the barracks, and the grooms in the stables, learning filthy language and all about war. His parents don’t get on because his mum doesn’t take shit lying down and doesn’t and never did love her husband, so if he’s remotely rude to her, which he can be because he’s just like that but also stressed all the time, she snaps right back and then he snaps back because he’s a proud man and not good at apologising and then it spirals out of control. 

One day in particular when Alexandros is four, it’s soon after the death of his older sister, who was the crown princess and very capable and absolutely doted on by the emperor who’s distraught about it still, he goes to his mum’s room late at night only for the emperor to come in soon after absolutely sloshed, immediately getting his kit off, and Olympias, hoping to make him go away and also shield her baby’s eyes, hides Alexandros and says ‘no we can’t do the do it’s that time of the month’ but he’s like ‘you said that a week ago you HAG’ but now that she has her baby she’s feeling very protective so she snaps right back more viciously than usual so they start a proper shouting match until Alexandros bursts out screaming SHE HATES YOU GO AWAY GO AWAY, only to be grabbed by a stunned and horrified and slightly embarrassed (bc hes naked) emperor and tossed quite violently from the room. He’s caught by the guard on duty who takes good care of him while he screams because honestly that was a pretty traumatic experience. Once he’s put to bed and then up the next morning he doesn’t remember it, but it does scar him psychologically. The marriage goes downhill quite badly from there, it was their worst argument yet, there were a lot of insults, Titus feels very attacked by his now-crown-prince son’s apparent hatred of him, Olympias is livid that he handled her baby so roughly - it all makes everyone bitter.

Now when Alexandros is seven his education has yet to start and he’s a bit too cosy with the common soldiery that man the Tower, as someone puts it ‘he speaks as if he was conceived against a barrack wall’. Also, he hasn’t had a lot of interaction with his father, who doesn’t have time for children really and is still kinda put off by That Incident and by the very guarded way his son looks at him when the boy’s brought up for inspection days that let Titus see how he’s doing. So Titus thinks, to get him away from his mother’s influence, because she’s probably turning the boy against him (tbf she is), he’ll send him off to Cloud Ruler Temple to be mentored by this Penitus Oculatus commander called Leonidas. Leonidas thinks Alexandros is a spoilt brat. He has the child doing a soldier’s training from dawn until dusk, feeds him two spare meals a day, gives him shitty blankets and makes him sleep outside if he’s been disobedient (and if it’s not gonna kill him), and while this does mean that Alexandros is really good at taking hardship when he’s older - his soldiers will love him because he’s known for refusing to take food, water, or shelter if there isn’t enough for every single man - it’s also frankly irresponsible on Leonidas’s part, because he chronically underfeeds a growing boy, and Alexandros ends up significantly shorter than average for the rest of his life.

Now he’s twelve and his training with Leonidas is done, so he’s back home. He sings at a court banquet and a grumpy Titus Mede - who thinks he sounds a lot like his mother when he sings and is REALLY put off by it - humiliates him in front of everyone by telling him it’s a stupid waste of time for a prince to learn an instrument. Alexandros runs away and blackmails a soldier he knows, who's travelling home to sort a blood feud, into taking Alexandros with him. There’s a battle between two tiny villages and Alexandros makes his first kill, takes the head home, and feels a lot better knowing he is officially A Man at twelve when his dad didn’t have HIS first kill until he was sixteen. Now Alexandros gets his own retinue, a bunch of generals’ sons around his age, and he meets HEPHAESTION. Hephaestion is a babe, they hit it off immediately, and it’s barely any time at all before they’re completely inseparable. They’re soulmates. The same day that they meet, Alexandros makes another lifelong friend - the stallion Bucephalus, who nearly tramples some people in a panic at a horse fair, but Alexandros realises it's been mistreated and gentles it until it lets him ride it, ooh ahh very dramatic and you bet your ass Hephaestion is swooning in the background.

Fifteen years old, Alexandros is sent off with his friends to study some real important shit like philosophy and morality with a former Psijic monk (who isn’t actually former he says that but actually he’s an active Psijic - they sent him to try and influence Alex to take a good and wholesome path) called Aristotle. Alexandros never gets the hang of magic but he likes medicine and learning about nature and discussing abstract topics. Supposedly, doing this all in some chateau out in buttfuck nowhere is so he doesn’t get distracted but once again, Titus wants to separate Alexandros and his mother. The only time Alexandros leaves is to be summoned to various battles or sieges around the provinces for experience and because he and his father get on quite well when they’re out on campaign, they think the same tactically and Alex does admire his father really, he just feels guilty because his mother’s a woman with drama and flare running through her blood (descended from Tiber Septim rememeber), and lets him know when she feels betrayed. It’s a very emotionally scarring situation, because he can’t please one parent without angering the other. But on campaign it’s ok. He flourishes, he’s clearly got the knack, and the soldiers really love him ‘cause he comes into the healers’ tents to talk to the wounded men and tell them how brave they were. He’s got an incredible memory for names and faces, he never forgets anyone he’s met, and it’s a big thing when you’re just some lowly soldier and the crown prince remembers you and says he saw you, first up the wall in that siege, terrific job mate. He really craves the adoration of his people, it’s so much simpler than the mess his family is in. Be nice, make an effort, the lads love you. No nonsense there.

Sixteen now, he’s left as regent (of the entire empire!) when the emperor goes off on a longer campaign, but has to embark on his own one when there’s an issue with a big load of Forsworn. He does insanely well. He’s sixteen. Sixteen! Half of the enemies he comes across can’t even take him seriously, until he slaughters them. You stop laughing pretty fast when Alexandros’s legion comes at you. More than that, he gets there from the Imperial City faster than the soldiers sent from actual Skyrim, and they show up half way through like ‘whu?’ but Alexandros ropes them in no-nonsense and as they incredulously ask the Imperial soldiers ‘how old is this guy?’ they’re just given a knowing look and told ‘wait ‘till you see him in action, then you’ll know’.

At seventeen (he’s up to a lot now) his mum is pestering him to start churning out bastards because he’s unusually celibate for his age and status. She’s feeling very insecure because she’s engaged in some political fights and frankly the only reason she’s alive is because she’s wife of the emperor and mother of the crown prince; if she looses that status, she’s a goner, and at the moment the only reason she’s still married to Titus is because if he divorces her he weakens Alexandros’s claim to the throne and that could be chaos if Titus were to unexpectedly perish. So a potential heir from Alexandros would strengthen her position, and also give her another baby, which she wants because she’s feeling very excluded from Alexandros’s life. Rather than inevitably fail to walk the tightrope between his parents, he’s taken to only speaking to them when summoned, and confiding in Hephaestion for everything instead. After Alexandros dodges a series of prostitutes sent by his mother to get him producing and maybe separate him from Hephaestion a little, he pretends he slept with one to get his mother off his back, and ends up, in the aftermath, getting jiggy with Hephaestion for the first time instead. They’re as madly in love as ever. All their friends can tell It’s Happened, and some bets are finally won.

Now shit goes terribly wrong, and it’s about to get convoluted - the emperor takes a fancy to the daughter of one of his generals, Attalos. If she becomes his mistress, and has his children, and Titus really takes a shine to her, her noble birth makes her a really strong candidate for marriage, PLUS, Attalos is rumoured to be a Thalmor informant. That would put Olympias and Alexandros in the doghouse and in serious danger, but take a big weight off Titus’s shoulders, because he no longer has a mortal enemy in his house and a son influenced by said mortal enemy. Alexandros just tries not to rock the boat. On the return from a state visit, father and son and entourage are hosted by Attalos at his villa on the road. Attalos gets drunk and alludes to the potential union, suggesting any children from it are better than a child of Olympias, and then he insults Olympias a lot, thinking he’s being subtle, but he’s not, because he’s completely smashed. Alex is pissed. When he calls Attalos the fuck out, Titus gets pissed at him and tells him to check himself. Alex calls out him next, telling him to stand up for his own heir, unless he’s a desperate old man who’ll lick Attalos’s feet he’s that thirsty for the man’s daughter, who is frankly much too young for his old ass - also, they all know the rumours, Attalos is a filthy Thalmor informant, so he’s probably trying to suck up to them as well.

(The retelling of this gets him a lot of points amongst Thalmor-haters and if you hear it retold in certain places the string of inventive insults that prefix ‘Thalmor’ is about as long as the entire rest of the story.)

Titus is pissed, as you would be, to the point of drawing his sword, maybe a bit extreme, but he trips and falls on his face. Alexandros utters the immortal line ‘look, men, who the people thought would cross the tyrants for them - and he falls crossing from couch to couch’. Alexandros then has to book it, taking Olympias to her relatives in High Rock, then disappearing himself into the Druadach Mountains. He pisses Titus off for a bit by making it seems like he might be gathering allies in the mountains to go to war, but eventually messengers get sent back and forth and after a lot of debate, a peace is agreed to, and Alex and Olympias are welcomed back to the Imperial City. Things are still hella tense. Hoping to fix this, Titus sends Alexandros into Skyrim to deal with this civil war business that’s popped up, planning on following along later because his health is real fucked up just then. He’s been in a lot of battles, he’s like swiss cheese at this point.

Now at this point if I’m feeling indulgent, this is the point at which Alexandros turns out to be the Last Dragonborn and has to deal with all that shit. Otherwise, he just shows up and does his Alexandros thing, which is kicking ass and actually trying really hard to come to a peace agreement. The emperor wants to crush the Stormcloak rebellion entirely, but if Alexandros were to get his way - you know, like if he were to suddenly and unexpectedly become emperor himself - his offered treaty to Ulfric would be a formal apology for the failure of his father to honour his title as protector of the realm and chosen of the Divines; an offer of total religious autonomy, total autonomy in the deciding of any High King or Queen; and a getout clause that lets Skyrim legally secede from the empire if the jarls together decide that the current emperor/empress is failing in his or her duty to protect the rights and well-being of the citizens of Skyrim, failing to honour the gods that put them on their throne, offending egregiously the cultural beliefs of the people of Skyrim, or proving themself unworthy of the respect and power of the Ruby Throne.

Alexandros is real fucking confident. And he enjoys the enormous ‘fuck you’ he’s sending to any future rulers that don’t live up to these standards, because even if the treaty focuses on Skyrim, is they were to pull that getout clause and secede, everyone would follow whether it applies to them or not.

Back in Cyrodiil, while Alexandros is either being Dragonborn or not, the emperor is making plans to divorce Olympias and marry Attalos’s daughter but with legislation that secures Alexandros’s position as heir, hoping it’ll placate him even though his mother’s just been slapped in the face essentially. And on top of that, there’s a member of the Elder Council called Pausanias Orestes - he and the emperor were bang-mates, once upon a time, but Pausanias got dumped for a younger, hotter bloke. Pissed, Pausanias calls the guy a lil’ bitch, and the guy goes and gets himself killed being extra in battle to prove that he’s not. His kin, upset, have their revenge on Pausanias in a very dark and disturbing way because they don’t want to kill him because he’s still on fairly good terms with the emperor. Pausanias entreats the emperor to get him justice. Titus makes Pausanias head of his bodyguard, which is a very big favour, but doesn’t punish them that abused Pausanias. Eventually, Pausanias becomes a member of the Elder Council. Now here’s the thing; who’s the man that did that to Pausanias? It’s general Attalos, father of the girl emperor Titus Mede wants to marry, the man that’s about to achieve a real big power boost just by getting his daughter to bang the emperor. Oh dear. And guess who was with the entourage that stayed at Attalos’s villa the night of the bust up that Alexandros ended up having to flee; who had to stay in the house of the man that had wronged him and never been punished for it? Pausanias. Alexandros noticed this incredible cruelty at the time and apologised to Pausanias for it. Pausanias likes Alexandros for that reason. So when someone comes to Pausanias and says; we want to assassinate the emperor, and Alexandros is in on it, will you go to Skyirm and hire the Dark Brotherhood? Pausanias says yes. The thing is, Alexandros isn’t in on it; he’s far too pious to ever consider killing his own father. But there are those that thing the Medes are getting a little out of hand and if they all happened to die then that would be very handy for certain point-eared control-freaks who have a violent need to be absolute cunts and are the Tamrielic equivalent of that person who comes into your inbox and nitpicks your TES lore knowledge in a very condescending way, especially over things that are honestly subjective.