#but then he was like 'you gotta train 2-3x a week'

[kachulein]

I'm proud of myself for being able to make it all the way home and wait until I was in my room to start sobbing🤧

[fit-as-fxck]

week 3 of being a strong motherfxcker

If you don't want to read my lengthy rundown, feel free to avoid this post. I have a lot to say. I’m headed into week 3 of the training program I wrote for myself and it’s week 2 for my gym partner. As much as I love being on my own, having a partner there makes me push myself more. The first 3 weeks are phase 1 where I'm spending time hammering down technique. Done and dusted. I’m still working on tempo but I really really want to start pushing the weight more. Last week felt good and I'm ready for more. Cardio is increasing slowly again and its continuing to lean me back out. Patience and one step at a time right? I do feel a little sorry for my partner, I kind of threw him into the mix and told him to sink or swim, but hey, he asked for it. And I told him it would be hard. I have some personal matters that may interrupt my routine this week but I don't plan on missing a beat. I’ll adjust if I have to, even if I have to combine days. Im totally ready for this and I really hope my partner continues to catch on fast so I can branch off and do my own thing. I don't want him to rely on needing me there for everything. I sent him the rundown of this week’s program and some notes explaining things. These workouts are hard for me, by the end of the week they leave me feeling completely run over. But its cool thats the point. I'm ready for a kickass week in and out of the gym. Here’s a look at some of my plan and notes: (I genuinely love doing this shit)

Monday: lower body strength 

1.25 mile warmup & 500 meter row

Dynamic mobility warmup

Warmup walking lunges x1, side to side walking squat

Deadlift 1 warmup set then 5x5

Squat 1 warmup set then 5x5

RDL 3x10

Barbell hip thrust 4x8

Leg press 4x8

Back extension 3x10

Hanging leg raises 3x failure 

Tuesday: upper body strength 

1.25 mile warmup, 500 meter row

Rotational shoulder warmup, single lat pulldown warmup

Bench press 5x5

Pullups 4x8

Db rows 4x8

Upright barbell row 3x10

Skullcrushers 3x12

Inverted row till failure

Wednesday: conditioning

2 mile run

1000 meter row

Box jumps

Alternating arm kettlebell swing

Snatches

Sled pushes

Battle ropes

Turkish get-ups

Thursday: lower body endurance/volume

1.25 mi warmup run

Walking lunges with overhead plate x20 each leg

Sandbag clean and jerk 2 x12-15

One leg RDL 3x15

Seated hamstring curl 3x15-20

Pistol squat transitions 3 till failure

Reverse lunges 3x12-15

Friday: upper body endurance/volume

1 mile run

Mobility drills and warmups

Single arm rows 3x10-12

Inverted rows 3x10

Pullups 3x10

Bicep curls with barbell 3x12-15

Tricep dips to failure 3 sets

Db incline chest press 3x12

Db shoulder press 3x12

Boxing on the heavy bag 

Welcome to Week Two! I’m so proud of you for successfully making it through Week One and learning all that you did. Seriously, give yourself a pat on the back. Celebrating your successes are just as important as anything else. They keep you moving forward. Put your successes in that cookie jar and pull from them every time you start to doubt yourself.

The next six to seven weeks will continue to be physically and mentally demanding. We wont take a deload week until week 8. A deload week is a period when you reduce your weight or intensity to give your body a break and prepare for even harder training. In a sense, you are setting yourself back for one week, in order to slingshot yourself even further ahead.

Cardio: This week we will increase our running distance by about 10%. Runners increase distance by no more than 10% every week in order to avoid injury (at least thats the by the book method and I’ve heard its unreliable in some cases). Because our training is aggressive we will increase by just over 10%. This is uncharted territory so I’m trying to be conservative while also daring greatly. Our warmups this week will be 1.25 miles. Then, we will do a longer run of 2 miles once this week. Our first goal is to get you to 3 solid miles of nonstop running. Our total distance to shoot for this week will be about 6 miles (1.25 miles x 3 to 4, then a 2 mile run). It sounds aggressive but, based on what you’ve shown so far, it is totally attainable (If you feel you need to lower this distance, we’ll drop down to a base goal of at least 5 miles ran this week. Get 5 miles by any. means. necessary.). Our training is aggressive for a reason. Pushing yourself is something you’ll have to get extremely used to. Results don’t come from comfort zones. 

Strength: Just like last week, we’ll have four lifting days, splitting them into 2 strength and 2 endurance days. Our strength focus is on compound lifts. Assuming you feel okay with the form and technique, we will run you through: the barbell bench press, barbell back squat, conventional deadlift, rows, and pullups. Get familiar with always training for strength on those 5 lifts. If we can, we will push you with more weight than last week. 

Endurance/Volume: We will take 2 days to train muscular endurance (how many times you can lift something before you get fatigued). We will have to use a lower weight than what we use on strength days and slightly different set of exercises. On Wednesday we will have our cardio and conditioning day where we also test your endurance and stamina with a “functional” crossfit style workout. If this sounds boring, don’t worry because soon it wont be. There are a million and one ways we can switch it up and endless things we can add i.e. boxing days, crossfit, agility work etc. What we are doing now is creating a foundation on which you will build everything else on. 

Mobility and Injury Prevention: Always, always, always, practice your drills. Every. Single. Day. Warmups and mobility will be done before every single workout no matter what. Especially the shoulders and rotator cuff. If you skip those you will end up getting yourself hurt and no one has time for that. Besides warming up the shoulder we also need to strengthen the rotator cuff, but not aggressively. Tearing that rotator cuff leaves you with a lifelong injury. Open up the chest, shoulder, back and hamstrings. Practice hip warmups, body weight exercises and ankle mobility. If you can, try some yoga.

Recovery: is a vital part of training hard. It builds your body up so you can hit it hard again. Without recovery you will be spinning your wheels going nowhere fast. You are requiring your body constantly adapt under a state of stress and come back stronger each and every time. Your body is ruled by its nervous system. Your nervous system is broken into 2 parts: sympathetic (fight or flight) and parasympathetic (relax and recover). You need to take care of both of these or your body will break down. When your fight or flight is activated for too long without a recovery it can malfunction, your adrenals can fatigue and other very horrible things. Training hard means putting your body under a massive state of stress and inflammation, so you need to allow yourself space to recover and you need to get good at it.

Train hard. Drink water. Eat food. Get sleep. One day at a time. That’s all you gotta worry about. If there is anything you would like to focus on, add, or try out please let me know and I’d be happy to adjust. 

Remember, our goals are:

Main lifts

Strong shoulders

Strong back

Running

Cardio capacity

Being a strong motherfucker 

For the weekend you will need to:

Continue with mobility drills every single day

Drink lots of water and eat lots of food

Take time to relax

Perform a cardio routine i.e. a light jog for a couple easy miles

Practice pushups, tricep dips, pull-ups and walking lunges

You are the master of your own fate. Don’t let others decide how you live, they don’t have the same goals as you. Do what others aren’t doing, so later, you can do what others cant. 

[baileysayswhat]

Well, it’s been a year. Truly. I haven’t blogged in a year! Not since my EPIK return to Korea (wink at y’all English teachers over there) for MinShik & Ara’s wedding.

And here those same people are celebrating their one year anniversary by having their first baby ON THAT DAY. That’s some Gattaca-level skill, I tell ya.

Lots has changed. LAWD. Yes. Grab yourself a low-carb snack because y’all about to get the deets.

Jobs

Two promotions at Grubhub and a sabbatical-turned-bowing-out at Titan Gym ALL IN THIS PAST ONE YEAR.

In January I became a Senior Sales Executive with Grubhub; it was a huge, out-of-the-blue honor and when I asked ‘what’s different than my current job?” my boss replied “Its what you’re already doing with the team, I’m just going to pay you for it.” How cool is that?!

Actual photo of said boss:

Seriously one of my favorite things in my career was in our first ever one on one development meeting last year (right *after* the Korea trip) the first thing I said was “I want you to know I’m in grad school for training and development and that’s what I want to do long term.”

His reply? “OK, let me hook you up with the right person who’s heading up training.” Literally the next week she got me in a classroom training new hires in a session 1x every 2 weeks. MONEY/MOUTH AND ALL THAT. When does that happen?!

And this past April when a new role opened up to become a sales trainer for new hires he recommended and she championed me for the role, which started May 1.

Y’all. I have never felt the Conan mantra of “If you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen” more. I joined Grubhub just to get a sales paycheck and have a regular schedule to pursue my passions and here this place that I thought would be a job I wasn’t going to put my heart into has given me such gifts. Managers that believe in me and CREATE JOBS that I wasn’t even aware of. I’m very blessed.

Now I’m the “Learning Solutions Associate” (ie. Non-Corporate Sales & Account Advisor Trainer) for all employees in those departments for Grubhub Inc. Nationwide. I’ve trained over 75 people in the last 5.5 months. That is bananas to me and I’m so grateful. All that in a year and a half at this company.

Because of that role shift and wrapping up grad school I knew that my time at Titan Gym was coming to a close. I have loved and sweated and bled and cried in that place – sometimes all at once – and I leave with so many good memories and relationships. I felt like I couldn’t be both throwing my heart (and fists) into learning & teaching Krav while also trying to originate a role at Grubhub.

So with a final rooftop drinking session and countless hugs I left (by choice) no longer an instructor at Titan Gym. I’m still a certified Krav Maga Level 1 Instructor through KMA and I know if I’m ever interested in getting back into it that Daniela and Ivo have my back. And if you need a place to kick ass, feel stronger or find mental toughness I will recommend Titan Gym to the moon and back again and again and again.

WHEW.

2. School

Yes, I finished my grad program at University of Wisconsin – Stout and now have my graduate certificate in Instructional Design. I need to frame that fancy piece of paper sometime soon.

3. Comedy

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LAUGH SQUAD?! Oh man y’all. So last October in the week after I got back from Korea I auditioned for a ComedySportz House Team and was cast into the most perfect circle of weirdos by two insanely talented coaches who happened to have the exact same initials – HMS. So naturally our team name became “Pinafore” after the famous Gilbert & Sullivan comic opera ‘HMS Pinafore.’ I have still never to this day heard any music from it although I did briefly glance through the Wikipedia page.

No, I didn’t realize we were all serving fierce face. Or at least my genre of fierce face. Our team just had our final show on 10/6 and it has been a journey. I feel like I’ve grown with such a great team with depth and tears and joy. I have peed myself a little laughing so hard, which I can admit now that the team is done. I mean, I could have admitted it before but why BOTHER.

Truly I have loved the CSZ House Program; auditions for the next round are in November and I’m excited to see what the next group of people I get to fall in love with looks like!

Other things I’ve been blessed to yuk it up on/with: I got cast into a RIFF Music Improv camp which has had me perform 3x with a stone-cold group of short-form music improvisers that HAVE PIPES, y’all. Some of these people I’ve watched perform for years in music improv and it’s an honor to strap on a Britney mic and make up songs for an audience with them.

I’ve also done 2 seasons of MINt (Music Improv Night) at the Annoyance; such an open space to trying weird and beautiful things with music improv and our voices. If you’re looking for a community to fall in love with, the MINt crew is a good one. 4 teams every 4 months and you get such a wide range of experience, skills and strange, hilarious songs.

There’s been a few one-offs performing with friends’ groups and even a couple shows with some MI people I met in iO’s Music Program as an indie group named “AirBRB.”

I’m moving into a season when I’m not sure when my next show is; it’ll be light this next month, which is kind of a fun thing. I’ll miss it. But I think it’s healthy to have a breather and come back hungry, whenever the next show is. And you never know when someone might text you at 4pm about a show that night at 1030pm and you gotta be ready to make believe with the best!

4. Health

OOOOOHHHH fun. Let’s talk about it! Since last year when I got my Krav Maga instructor cert in July (shoutout to the 3am Protein Squad) I’ve let things slip a bit. And why not?! When you survive that kind of thing you deserve to let yourself chill. But…I didn’t really reign it in. I was doing ok; maintaining some cardio but I knew things needed to step up. I was getting a little burned out on Krav. Here’s my 7am face on the way to teach class:

I let myself write excuses and they added up. Once I was done punching/kicking regularly I did CrossFit for a few months – it was great and ya girl loves heavy weights – but the price was really high. Especially when I could be going out of town to our Phoenix office for work up to once a month, missing a week at a time. It was an expensive habit.

So I jumped back into going to LSAC (Lincoln Square Athletic Club) regularly – it’s been 3 weeks in and I’m kind of loving my schedule:

Mondays – Pole Class at Brass Ring (I KNOW) and it’s so fun. Such an empowering environment and an hour flies by. Its slow but I see progress! And thigh bruises.

Tuesdays – Workout at LSAC (trying to follow the schedule Brian (see Fridays) gave me the week before)

Wednesdays – Volleyball with friends at LPHS – y’all we had a double header last week and I burned 1,448 calories in 1 hour and 55 mins. WE WORKIN’.

Thursdays – Improv Day (aka rest and do some make believe in comedy class)

Fridays – Personal Training with Brian at LSAC

Saturdays – Yoga (at home right now using an Apple TV app but maybe at LSAC in the future)

Sundays – Intro to Olympic Weightlifting with Keith at LSAC (today was the first one; I did a 65lb bar snatch from shins to above my head! 9 times! Y’ALL! SHE BACK!)

Also I started attempting/doing a Keto & intermittent fasting on 10/1; it’s been a little rough but we’re getting into the groove of it. That first week, candidly, sucked. The low carb/Keto flu thing is for real. But now I’m used to it; the 12-8 fasting part is honestly not that hard now. Very manageable. It’s more the carb counting thing of keto that is taking slow (but progressive) shape.

5. The Rest

a. Photography

I know everyone has a camera in their smartphone – I’m doing some photography learning – I bought myself a Canon T6i DSLR last year RIGHT BEFORE starting grad school so I hid it in the closet from myself until school was done in May. I’ve taken some pictures I’m proud of and I’m working my way through a couple Lynda.com (grad school got me a free account) photography courses to learn the camera. I’m a student of it right now for sure but here’s a few photos I’m proud of:

b. Norway

I found out last year that I’m 1/8 Norweigan; that doesn’t sound like ‘a lot’ but honestly I’ve never really thought about it. I generally classify my heritage as ‘SPF 75’ but have always known our family is generally German with some crossover to other classically pale squads (Irish, probably English, other various tribes of roving wild-haired people on/around Hadrian’s wall, etc).

Last year in October someone posted in this Women of Chicago Comedy Facebook group I’m in about a Norwegian TV show that 1. Flies you to Norway and 2. You good-naturedly compete with other Norwegian-Americans to win $50,000. SO I APPLIED OF COURSE and got to ask my mom and grandparents questions over iMessage about my heritage. Apparently one of my great-grandmas was first-generation American, born in the US. Her parents both emigrated from Norway in the early 1900s to Washington State, near Ballard. So…if one of the 8 people that made me is full-blooded Norwegian…then by the power of Punnett Squares or whatever that means I’m 1/8 Norwegian, right?

ANYWAYS I did not get cast but I just realized they’re auditioning again so I’m going to throw ye olde application back in there. 1. Because it sounds fun and 2. Norway is GORGEOUS and 3. I did promise Neal Carlin that I would apply again. He’s gone in Italy doing an insanely cool apprenticeship so the least I can do is fill out info about my LIFE.

Our family doesn’t really do any celebrations of heritage. My great-grandma Harriman (she of the Norwegian blood) made lefse for Christmas, but I never really understood the connection as a kid. She passed when I was in high school and none of us kids ever learned to make it with her. Also, keep your traps shut but my real goal if I get on this show is to learn to make Fattigman cookies and then make them with my Nana for Christmas. KEEP MY SECRETS, INTERNET.

I think there’s a real beauty in appreciating where you came from and knowing you are a part of a legacy of choices – good ones, bad ones, ones that had to be made one way or another – and then choosing how you want your part of the story to be written. Sitting under the Northern lights and walking on glaciers would be a pretty jaw-dropping moment in life; 10/10 I’d be crying frozen little tears of joy. So we’ll see! I’m applying!

c. Travel

I’m going to DC in less than 2 weeks – I’ve never been to DC AND I haven’t seen David Brown in 4+ years in person. That’s bananas to me. I genuinely cannot believe that there’s not some time/space blanket fold that I jumped through because it CAN’T have been four years.

But the internet says it has. So myself, Bekah, Adam & Dana (plus maybe their dog Millie) are all meeting up with David in DC October 25-27 and I could SQUEAL I am so excited.

I went to Ohio in March just to see my loves Xander and Trace and get drag-ified myself. I learned that clip on earrings are the reason beauty = pain and that stick on nails are NOT for me. But I looked great.

d. Experiences

I saw my first Broadway shows in the past year – I don’t know what took me so long! I saw Hello Dolly, Book of Mormon, Hamilton. Les Mis, Falsettos – I WANT TO SING EVERYTHING.

I went to the Shedd Aquarium on Thanksgiving – it was BEAUTIFUL and uncrowded and my ticket was free – cue v v thankful.

I saw Conan O’Brien’s show in Chicago and met Aaron Bleyart, who’s blog(s) I have followed for over TEN YEARS.

Passed my Krav Level 3 student test and Muay Thai Level 2!

Survived the Polar Vortex in Chicago when it was over -20 degrees below zero. This is the *inside* of my windows.

My parents came to Chicago for Father’s Day! The umbrella is my Mom hiding from the camera as all 3 of us eat Chicago Dogs outside the Field Museum. Also, I went to the Field Museum.

I went to Arizona 3 times – February, May & August – for work and to visit family. What a cool, weird mix of colors. I saw the Grand Canyon and cried a little behind my sunglasses as my family pretended to not notice.

I saw a Seattle-based artist, SYML, who’s work I love not once but TWICE. Also saw Dean Lewis at the same concert and fell in love w his new album.

Saw a bajillion improv shows, learned which lipsticks look good on my skin tone and saw so many people I love.

What. A. Year.

  More updates, more often, from this face:

A Blog I Pay For and Rarely Update: UPDATED! Well, it's been a year. Truly. I haven't blogged in a year! Not since my EPIK return to Korea (wink at y'all English teachers over there) for MinShik & Ara's wedding.

[attract-mode-collective]

While You Watched The Unveiling Of Wolfenstein 2 On The Internet Last Night, This Guy Was Playing Sonic 2 For The Xbox 360 On The Subway

Actually, the image above, captured by my pal Derrick Sanskrit KC, is of a guy playing Sleeping Dogs on the Xbox 360. While on a New York City subway. I want to say the F train?

The above was also taken around the time myself and others were home watching Bethesda’s E3 presser, so it was a bit after midnight. And any resident of NYC can tell you that subway service has been garbage as of late, especially in Brooklyn on the F, so the dude was prepared.

Though I don’t understand why he’s allowing his console to rest on the filthy subway floor; my ex roommate used to leave Trader Joe shopping bags on the floor as well (and I get that, they can be f’n heavy) and then place them on the kitchen counter once home, which drove me NUTS.

Anyhow, here we have footage of the dude playing Sonic 2, as previously noted. Derrick states…

“AND THEN THE WHOLE TRAIN WATCHED HIM PLAY SONIC 2. Everyone pretended they weren't into it, but there were, like, forty people behind me staring at the screen. Come on, you all loved that this was happening!”

A post shared by Derrick Sanskrit KC (@ducktastic) on Jun 11, 2017 at 10:01pm PDT

Not sure if it’s just the standalone XBLA version of Sonic 2 or if it’s part of Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection. Either or, am assuming it and Sleeping Dogs were both digital copies cuz if that 360 was running disc based games… on that bumpy ass subway ride… then having the system on the floor is not quite as crazy.

[UPDATE: 6/13/17] Derrick was kind enough to provide additional commentary...

“It was the downtown F a li'l after midnight this Sunday-Monday. He was playing Sleeping Dogs when I boarded at Broadway-Lafayette, switched over to some sort of Genesis collection around Delancey (a woman walked over and said something to him and he switched games. I'm guessing she asked for something less violent since she was with a young boy who was watching), and he had gotten to the end credits of Sonic 2 by the time I got off at Carroll (I looked away for a minute and suddenly he was entering the final boss fight, so I'm assuming he loaded a save file). It was the very last car on the train, which at that hour tends to be one of the most sparsely populated, but there were still 2x-3x as many people behind me watching the game and snickering to their friends as the people you see past him in the photo/video. Most of the passengers I noticed went "feh, get a load of this asshole" followed by "hey, Sonic is actually kind of entertaining" to "hang on, I gotta Instagram this" (so many phones) and finally "this is dumb and i'm laughing about it, but it's honestly better than a mariachi band or showtime dancers"”

And on that note: again, it’s E3 season, a time in which the Attract Mode blog generally goes a bit quiet. Would have been a different story if I was there, but a trip didn’t pan out due to reasons… such as medical reasons, hence why there was no game culture re-cap last week. So perhaps there will be at the end of this one.

Otherwise… it sure has been a while since I shared other instances of game culture on Instagram, right?

Don’t forget: Attract Mode is now on Medium! There you can subscribe to keep up to date, as well as enjoy some “best of” content you might have missed the first time around, plus be spared of the technical issues that’s starting to overtake Tumblr.

[swimmingglitterllama-blog]

Makes you wonder...

All my life all I ever knew was tennis until 8 years ago.

8 years ago I wanted to get into Bath University and play tennis professionally.

They wanted to put me on a tennis programme at the university along side the degree that I'd be studying. The degree I wanted to do was part of the tennis training. You basically had to do a chosen sport to do this specific degree.

Unfortunately I was unable to even begin the degree. I smashed my predicted grades and got the top marks for my diploma. This was equivalent to 3x A levels at A grade.

Unfortunately I didn't hear anything for the university. The guy who was interested in be said they were having a meeting about the chosen sports funding. Football, rugby, tennis and athletics were the ones open for dropping funding.

Unfortunately tennis was the sport to be dropped funding and then I was not accepted on the course.

Gutted weren't the word, I was physically and emotionally hurt. It took a long time to really get string with it. And even now it hurts a little bit.

Since then I've stopped playing, I do carry a little. More weight which I never wanted, I also got caught up in mistakes which I never wanted either. I've struggled to find the right career for me because that's all I felt I wanted to do, and felt like what I was born to do.

I get like these little reminders telling me that I should t give up. And they're unavoidable too.

About 4 years ago whilst working at reebok fithub in retail. I was serving a customer and they said "oh my god! You're mahala! What you doing here you still playing tennis?" I said I couldn't afford it and haven't played it since I weren't accepted into uni. I didn't say that I've struggled to find my feet since.

They asked for my manager and I wondered why. He came out and she said "this girl is a waste of talent being here, she really is something special" I was touched and I started considering starting to play again.

I tried and failed many times. I've tried to play on the lta matches and local tennis leagues and all of them have failed. The main reason is you enter and it either gets cancelled or you play one or two matches.

You need routine and practice not just a match here and there.

When I had my breakdown last year, I was saying I'm going to have one last go at tennis again. People thought I was crazy for saying that mostly my mum. She said how are you gonna fund it? How can we do it? We can't?...

It still hurts and I think that was showing.

A year and a bit later from my breakdown. I've. Managed to play 2 matches and that's it. I was stepping away from it, till I get more reminders to play again.

A week ago a lady my mum was chatting to told me to get Into coaching. Do a level 3. I weren't even sure about coaching. Because Id only ever want to play, not coach.

Today I played short tennis. I get to go to these activities as part of my recovery on my mental health. Last year I missed out because of really bad anxiety attacks. But I've almost finished my cognitive behavioural therapy sessions so I can deal with stress and anxiety and depression so much better!

I'm thankful for the early intervention psychosis team. They have been a real gem in my recovery. Only problem is, I always want to achieve. Not matter what. If I'm not moving forward I feel I'm not moving at all.

Today I had short tennis as part as the Charlton activities I do. Chatlron athletic football club sponsor the programme to help the people like me build up their confidence.

I've been fortunate to be part of this programme. I have a fantastic team of people and support surrounding me.

Anyways back to the tennis. We were put into teams of 3 today. To start with our formation was a bit off. So we lost our first match. We won the rest and become the champions of the day.

The guys at Charlton filmed me a few times hitting shots etc. Everyone commented how well I played and all asked about whether I've played before.

I was offered a lift home by one of the care workers for the early intervention psychosis team. He's new I didn't recognise him before.

Funny enough he was telling me about how his son plays tennis and how he thought of getting him involved over here in the UK. (he's from zimbabwe) I told him the struggles I had and all that. Basically what I've written on here.

In the past week I've had St least 5-6 people tell me I shouldn't stop playing. Problem is, I know if I play people will say I shouldn't give up or how good I am.

Don't know why but I know It'll hurt me. Being reminded of my dreams and that I shouldn't give up.

I would take an offer in a heartbeat if it ever comes up. Truth is I'm getting older now and times laying very short. If it's gonna happen it needs to happen soon.

My only other option I've considered is joining the army which I've always considered as a career and play tennis and maybe snowboarding through there.

Just feels awful knowing that your gut instict and intuition and maybe even spirit guides are all encourages me to do it.

Yet, life gets in the way. When I had my breakdown I told all my pupils I was giving up teaching people to drive and going for it one last time with my tennis.

Just saying that gives me goosebumps. Will I get there? How will it happen if it does? Do I need to just trust the process?...

I've always dreamed of being a tennis player and quite honestly I get visions of me having athletic body, no money worries and playing tennis for a living. Of course its hard... If it was easy everyone would be doing it.

Think I'm being reminded of my true life purpose. Only my human self keeps being skeptical of all this. Need to let go of that I think.

It truly helps me right out all this. Weirdly I feel like eyes are peering on these words I type. I've been told before my life could be a movie. What if that actually happens and the words I'm typing now become I to a movie. #whoknewmoment

I'm now just staring at the screen. Like I've just emptied my whole mind out. Just watching the blinker blink on the screen. But still wondering what my future holds. I'm scared, focused, nervous and a little bit confused.

The army career path comes to mind. To not stray from that path. People have become professional athletes and sports stars from the army's support. Reminding myself now of Kelly Holmes as she was a PTI in the army. Then took the career in running which took off like a storm.

I watched a few of my old tennis videos, looking back on myself almost wishing I could coach that younger marli into what I know now. But again somethings reminding me It's never too late. It's not that I want the fame and become famous. I just want TO LIVE MY PURPOSE (capitals just locked on there without me even really attempting to.)

I do feel like someone is trying to communicate with me from the other side right now. I spoke about that in my last post. I want to help people I do, but not in the way of teaching them skills. Give people purpose and tell them to go for their dreams. But I've gotta get there first so people can listen.

I want to make it, I really do. Without pursuing it I feel dead. And that's quite scary feeling.

If my guides are looking down upon me now. Please guide me, please show me the path of the purpose I am meant to live. I want to also give back to my parents. That's almost my first number one thing I'd do.

Give back to my parents give them the life of freedom they deserve. Help my family first then give back and fund a charity. Probably Paul walkers reach out world wide foundation. They hell the world in crisis times.

Argh I feel sick right now. Don't even know why. Probably digesting all this... This that I can't even find the words to describe what it is. Then the word "purpose" just popped into my head.

I'm getting a ringing sound in my ears. Mostly my left... Is someone here? Visiting me?...

Please help me find my life purpose. I will continue to look for signs and messages from the guides.

Till then, see you on the next one.

M