#but today is out to fuck it up 🤪 bc i can't fucking sleep

[daz4i]

girl i should kms just to spare the world from my brain. not bc it's hurting others or smth but bc it's literally so shitty that it actively makes the world worse

[helenofblackthorns]

.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Tuesday, February 20th, 2024!

8:20am: Phew, that was fun, back to business now 😎 business of being a bachelorette 🤪 it's so cold I need to hook up the heated blanket bc I did that thing where I crumple up in my sleep then the stomach and back hurt from literally constricting all night. Also need to do laundry so I can get my warm clothes, they're all wet and sickly 🙃 need to start studying today (RIP this quiz) and not get another L. And also not get sick again, I need to handle these gum blisters. High key this is what happens when I have to entertain for a weekend like I am immediately behind on just so much shit. But it's so worth it ❤️ I love my family

12:22pm: Well I just don't know anymore. Every time I think I've done the worst unimaginable thing, I seem to one up myself?? I'm inflicting the karma personally now, but I don't know how to say I truly didn't mean to. Maybe my subconscious meant to. I have no fucking idea. But can we talk about how I haven't seen rain like that in months, probably won't see it again for several months, like it was just a damn bad sign. I still just think it was part of his personal karma, I just really didn't think it would get wet like that bc it hasn't rained like that since the literal summer. I think he hates me now. Well. Ok I can't do anything about that. Welp. Just kinda have no words, I was literally in fight or flight mode and he will never understand that he's the fucking reason. Fight or flight is not a reasonable train of thought in that situation. No shit I did something that makes no sense I was shaking terrified. And he doesn't fucking realize he's the goddamn reason. Good riddance.

3:09pm: well I think he blocked me on everything. A rain storm took out 8 years of friendship. And this is the what, 900th time he's chosen material objects, replaceable possessions over me? 901st time he's chosen paper, a piece of paper, over speaking to me ever again I guess. I guess I'm the shitty person, not him who lied and cheated on front of my face, nope me, who was shaking too anxious freaking out in my apartment bc he threatened my brother five days before coming to town 🤷

3:39pm: maybe this is my karma for hitting on a guy in a relationship, we just are no longer friends. Well I guess she got what she wanted, he is getting what he wants, which is to finally be able to blame me for something, and I get to have them both out of my life. This is the world now. The world is still turning.

4:00pm: It's like he was just looking for a reason to block me, just like he was looking for any reason to cheat, to leave, to break up, to move out, any little thing that could be a provoking reason and just running with it. I'm done.

I know this is technically my fault, I have apologized. Everything still feels abusive though. I was just trying to save myself, I was being selfish. But um hello so is cheating. He's not better than me and in my opinion he's still much worse than anything I've ever done to him. It's just things.

I would hope if something is actually going to come of this, his grandma would give me a warning first or something. I want to call her but I feel like everything is too heated. Let me go home, blow my nose and use the bathroom, maybe I'll call her tonight.

4:48pm: TBH we always talk about forgiving these stupid assholes. Why don't I forgive myself for this? I forgive myself. Even if I did it subconsciously, even if I was being a bitch in the back of my mind (I really don't feel this way) it's more like I was just tired of thinking about it! And look at me, thinking about it now. It's over. Whatever. He wants to take me to small claims or something? Whatever I'll live. He wants to run a smear campaign on me? Didn't he already do that? I'm still alive. He wants to take the cats as revenge? I'll live, they'll live, life goes on. If something happens to them that will be his shit I guess. I forgive myself and C said it, I'm already being Way. Too. Nice. Everybody would agree with me. I can't even bring it up bc ppl will be like ?? You still talk to him ?? Ppl would be so confused. I did the best I could without causing myself unnecessary stress on a weekend when I didn't want stress. Was I journaling this weekend? Fuck no there was a reason for that, because I was actually being happy living life. That's why y'all didn't hear from me tf. Healing continues though so we're back, still gonna push forward though.

5:19pm Damn yeah he blocked me on everything! What was even the point of speaking to me. That's fucked up to confront someone about something, something so materialistic, and then not accept an apology. Whatever. Good luck with life, good luck being a petty ass mf, acting like you're some heaven on earth angel who can do no wrong, fuck you.

5:34pm: I told my brother what happened, and he helped me feel better, I wish he lived closer to here but texting is ok now :) my family is just everything ❤️ I tried my best, it's over now, like a fever dream. On to find someone else to give my love and effort to 🥰 I'm just gonna give it to myself for now.