#but you can find asexual advocacy groups and stuff

[contagious-watermelon]

what is it with the aro community basically reinventing amatornomativity but including (some of) us this time. acting like QPRs are the solution to your problems and obviously theyre more meaningful and important than friendships and what do you mean you don't want a platonic life partner? well if you're "just friends" they're gonna leave you for their romantic relationship eventually — no, no, you can't mean that, "best friend" is either just the same thing as a QPR or not good enough to stay in your life forever. you don't like how you probably won't ever be able to have kids because who's going to let a single trans man adopt a child, and even if they did how would you support them, and no for the last time i don't want to marry anyone even platonically. i do not want a partner ever. ever.

but don't you know that all of us hate amatonormativity? but we're fine with it when we're included. oh and don't you know aros can date too? did you know? did you know you can date too?

you have problems? society isn't structured for you? you have to learn to navigate socially and legally in a world that's built for couples and that's a very distressing experience and you're invisible if you don't loudly proclaim your aromanticism after every room you walk in — but we're gonna keep arguing about shipping. what do you mean you have more problems than people being stupid in fandom? what, is the one aroace character who got "confirmed" off-screen and never mentioned outside of that at all not good enough for you? that doesn't actually change anything for you societally?

but you surely want a QPR. it's totally not just us forcing some watered-down romance on you after you said you didn't want it (but did you know aros can date too? surely you didn't forget that. aros can still love and we hate that you're implying they can't). all of your problems with society hating you for your singleness and aro-ness would be solved if you just got a partner — no, a platonic one, why would you assume otherwise? this is nothing like telling a gay man to just suck it up and marry a woman. see, that would be homophobic, but you? didn't you know that aros can still date?

[aromantisk-fagforening]

The four themes of International Asexuality Day (IAD) are (acccording to the website):

Advocacy

Celebration

Education

Solidarity

So advocacy is ace rights and stuff like that. Fighting conversion therapy. Uplifiting ace activists like yasmin benoit. Trying to get ace events officially recognized. You can find some asexual advocay groups here (IAD) or here (aces & aros)

Celebration is obviously ace pride. Draw something with an ace pride flag, talk about how amazing that ace activist is, etc.

Education is talking about asexual experiences. Talking about the asexual spectrum. Talking about how being ace impacts your life. Educating our community and outsiders. Make brochures and leave them at your local library, so random people will learn about asexuality.

Solidarity is about helping each other. Especially for outsiders, allosexuals. But we should also make sure to show solidarity to multiply marginalized asexuals, like lesbian asexuals and poor asexuals.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

looking for: advice, help figuring out how to reconcile my feelings

tws: queer infighting (sort of?) acephobia mentions, arophobia

So, i've been struggling with this for a while now. I'll start by saying I am extremely pro my ace family and ace rights, I understand the type of persecution they face and it's horrible. None of what I'm dealing with from the asexual community is convincing me that asexuality is bad or asexuals have bad intent inherently.

I am aromantic and bisexual (not asexual), and I've faced a lot of flack from alloromantic and allosexual people for being bisexual and aro. You know, the idea that I'm just using people for their bodies and stuff. So that's really tiresome and frustrating, even the little things like "oh you're aro, you're not physically attracted to people?". Ignorance stings even if it's not malicious.

So I obviously take great comfort in the aro community. And the aro community is very connected to the ace community. Which I have no problem with! I have had a lot of trouble finding aro people who aren't ace, which is isolating and difficult.

So here's the main problem. I've faced a lot of hate and microaggressions from aro ace people and alloromantic ace people. Ace people either refusing to count alloaro people as a demographic, or acting like anyone who's aro must be ace. The worst for me is when they talk about specifically ace things and add aro in like it's just a descriptor. I'm writing this and my heart is aching bc I'm being lumped in with a group of people who aren't me!!! They're a lovely group of people but it's the same feeling of being misgendered. I can't pick a fight with everyone who does this, and if I express my frustrating with how I've been treated it's very easy for people to just label me as acephobic (which would be a horrible thing to be!!! except I'm not, I'm very clearly stating that some ace people are being bigots towards alloaro people).

I don't know how to reconcile my love and support of the ace community with the intense amount of persecution I've faced by many people in that community.

I know in my head that I can be angry at arophobic aces, but if I try to talk about it, and even in my emotions, it's so hard.

Hi anon, 

I’m so sorry this has been impacting you in such a painful way - I deeply sympathize because though I’m aspec myself, I am not aro, so I found myself nodding along to several points you made along the way in your post when trying to navigate the community where I’ve also mainly stumbled on people who identify with both.

At the end of the day it is a spectrum - well all sexuality is - but there is a wide coverage here, and unfortunately with not enough resources, representation and education about the asexuality spectrum many of us get lumped together in not only ignorant ways, but painful and even abusive ones, too.  All that being said, at the end of the day, there is a huge difference between making bigoted commentary about a group of people, and responding to commentary about a group of people that includes you (and I’m very sorry to hear that some people mislabeled your advocacy of what is said to you and/or how you are spoken to/about as being automatically aphobic).

Of course we cannot argue with everyone we come across, but it’s equally valid to want to be surrounded by people who do not make negative commentary about your romantic orientation, even if it’s from a place of ignorance versus say active harassment - if it hurts, it hurts, and you deserve a community where you can just be without the commentary based on false assumptions and aphobia (which I can appreciate might feel hard, when over 80% of aroromantics in this study have “reported not being taken seriously, being ignored, or being dismissed by others.”)

In regards to how to respond where it doesn’t feel hard, it might simply come down to a practice of one step at a time (and potentially looking into boundary scripts and how to respond to aphobia & bigotry resources) - but I believe it’s equally important to find a community of people you can just be with.  No one has the right to decide who belongs in public, shared spaces, so I don’t mean to suggest shrinking yourself into a box - but finding other people you can share with and who “get it” can be incredibly validating too as you navigate bigger spaces along your journey.  The AUREA website has both online resources, as well as in person groups, and here’s a reddit forum that might at least be able to help you find some online communities across various social media platforms?

Regardless of what happens next, you deserve to be embraced for who you are, as you are, and I hope you find a community that roots for you.

Mod Kat

[skyler10fic]

I grew up in a home with homophobic/racist parents, and I just recently realized I'm on the ace spectrum, I have no clue what to do. I know that some of my parents views about things have always seemed off to me, like they just didn't add up, but I'm also afraid their views have kind of poisoned me to see myself as messed up. How can I change but still be in a relationship with my parents. I love them so much and disappointing or hurting them is hard to think about. Any suggestions?

Yes! I have some very practical tips because I have lived this. I am mainly going to direct you to ace resources because that’s what I can speak to, but a lot of these work for overcoming racism and homophobia as well because they are about listening, being in community, and self-education.

1. Move out as soon as you can afford it and have a stable job. Moving half a country away from my parents is the best thing I ever did. I acknowledge that is a statement of privilege because not everyone can do that, but it is still a true one. You can still keep up a good relationship with them, but it’s easier to set boundaries (which we will get to later) and have your own life. 

2. Find support!* Online here, in your fandoms, on Facebook groups, Twitter, join Discord servers or make your own, etc. If you want to just try something out, create a Discord account and join @theaceandaroadvocacyproject weekend chats throughout the month of June. You can drop in any time and don’t have to follow the channels you’re not interested in. Is there an LGBTQIA+ group in your area, in-person or online? Check MeetUp.com or Facebook. Is there an AVEN chapter in your city? If you’re in school, there might be a GSA that is inclusive of aces (not all LGBT organizations are, but you can always ask!) For racism issues, Austin Channing Brown, MeToo founder Tarana Burke, Latasha Morrison (who specifically speaks to people like us)... Brene Brown has had some good episodes on this. Start here with Tarana’s episode on empathy and look for other episodes that interest you. Of course, organizations like Black Lives Matter, Color of Change, @trevorprojectawareness-blog, @glaad, and more are good starting points to find links for general research and advocacy. 

*Also the flip side of this is to unfollow the unhealthy voices in your life. Question everything, stay skeptical, start studying how logical fallacies and media intake are informing the opinions of those around you, and surround yourself with other perspectives that are more like what you want to be like or learn from. 

3. Listen and read up! For the ace spectrum, check out organizations like @avenpt , Asexuality Archive , @asexualactivities (<--- for sex-related stuff), and all the people I reblog stuff from in my #ace spec and #aro ace tags for more information about what asexuality is, how to explain it to people, all the varieties of identities under the ace umbrella... 

4. Podcasts more your speed? Check out @soundsfakepod and A Okay!

5. You do not have to tell your parents about ANY of this. Your life is your own. Especially if you have your own space, even if it’s just your own phone or laptop, you do not have to come out to anyone. 

(more under the cut because this got long)

6. It’s ok to take your time before coming out. It’s ok to come out to safe people first. It’s ok to take years if you need it before telling your family. Not everyone is ready to hear it. Not everyone needs to know. I took about six years to come out to my family, and it was hard to wait, and it was still hard to do, but I needed to tell them before I started talking about asexuality publicly. I still haven’t come out on FB. My family didn’t take it super well (my sister was openly hostile, but still talks to me; my mom pretends I never said anything, and my dad was nice but ultimately said he wouldn’t have been accepting a few years ago and it’s a good thing I waited, but now he just wants me to “live life to the fullest because our lives are too short to worry about all that stuff.” Which vaguely means, he isn’t going to openly disagree, but he’s not curious about learning more; he’s just happy I’m happy.)  

7. It’s ok to phrase it in ways that describe what it is without dropping the “Mom, I’m queer” bomb. We’re lucky in that way. I just told my family ages ago that I wasn’t interested in dating or marriage or kids because I had other goals and it just wasn’t a priority. Luckily, I’m from a family where achievement and success are defined more by your career than your relationship status, so I had other problems they were more concerned about and eventually they just gave up on trying to ask if I’d met anyone. It also helped that I had a sister who got married and wants kids. I think they figured as long as they have one kid who will give them grandchildren, I can do whatever I want. *shrug Your parents may not be as open about that if they are more conservative. But, if you do want to time your coming out, waiting until after a sibling gets married and expresses a desire for kids can take some of the “But what about grandchildren!?” worries.*

*aces can date and do get married and have kids, but me not wanting those things was just what led me into discovering I was ace and even if you do want them, that’s something parents are often afraid of when you come out. 

8. Boundaries. Start small with your parents: No, you can’t call while I’m at work. I don’t have to spend all my vacation time with you. I can have friends and do things you aren’t involved in. I might actually stay in my city for the holiday and spend it with a friend’s family (volunteering or living far away are great excuses for this). Remember: you can keep some of your life private and still be nice to them enough to keep the peace. I would often write down a small list of conversation topics before they called so I could have things to discuss that wouldn’t make any of us mad or get too vulnerable. Also don’t feel bad if you have to go. You don’t have to actually go anywhere, just say “sorry, it was good to chat, but I have to go, talk to you later!” and then say bye and hang up. 

9. This leads me all to the big one: therapy. Part of the financial stability thing being Step 1 is that you can hopefully either pay for your own stuff or have insurance that does. Talking things out with an LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist is so helpful. Before you set up an appointment, call or email them to ask if they know what asexuality is. If they don’t, explain it to them and make it clear that it is an orientation that is just as valid as being gay and you are not seeking help to fix that (yay boundaries!). If they are like “uh, cool, sure, no problem, I wouldn’t try to fix that. You’re safe here,” then go on in and see if it helps! Therapists are great at listening, especially to family problems. I’d say someone who is rooted in mindfulness or ACT (acceptance and commitment) is usually who I go to, because some who are more into CBT or DBT (other types of therapy) may believe in exposure to the thing you are struggling with, which can be unsafe for queer people with unaccepting families. But, again, if you do go a therapist like that, if they are a good one, they will respect your boundaries and let you find other things that help. If they don’t, they aren’t a good therapist and you should leave. 

10. Know that you are going to mess up. You will trust the wrong people, listen to the wrong voices, act in racist ways, think homophobic things... but the point is that you don’t stop there. You apologize, you read more, you listen and stay quiet for a bit, you learn and keep an open mind, you start small, you follow the leadership of people who live out the qualities you want to live, you amplify the voices of other races or other queer people, you learn to push back where you can with your racist and homophobic friends and family, slowly introducing them to more perspectives, find common ground, etc. You can do it, but just know it’s work to commit to over years. Over a lifetime. But it’s worth the journey.