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[look-at-the-soul]

The Photoshoot -Part 41

Cillian x reader

Series Master list 2014, 2015

📸 I struggled a lot writing this part, January was a complicated month but I hope you guys like this, there’s angst and the fertility issue, but I hope to keep you guys entertained..

Thank you @heidimoreton for the chat that inspired this part xx

Trying out Cillian’s number again, Yael found the same answer than the three previous calls; none.

It was so unlike him, he left that morning without telling her he would be gone for hours. Earlier she tried a message to ask him if he wanted to buy something for lunch on his way back home, but as time passed and he didn’t answer, Yael decided to prepare something for them.

The day was extremely odd, clouds covering the sky, but rain wasn’t expected.

Sure, rain was a common thing in Ireland, but there was something she couldn’t explain.

The noise of his car parking outside, brought everything back to normal as Scout started to bark intensely.

But as soon as Yael opened the door to welcome her husband, she knew something wasn’t right.

Cillian was holding in his arms something covered in a small blanket, a diaper bag hanging from one of his shoulders.

“Keep Scout out, I don’t want him to wake up my baby.”

Her soul left her body, blood ran straight down to her feet.

What baby? Scout was never out.

But before more questions could bombard her mind, Cillian walked past her and cleared all her doubts.

“The moment you said you didn’t want to look for a treatment to get pregnant, I knew being a father was all I wanted, since you’re dry inside I had no other option but find someone willing to give me a baby, Lianne blessed me with a beautiful baby boy three days ago, she will be living here.”

His arrogance broke her, how could he be this cynical? But the look in his eyes was what destroyed her completely.

The look in Cillian’s eyes while staring into the baby in his arms tore her heart apart.

Yael was hurt and, why lie? She was jealous too.

Bitting the inside of her cheeks, she turned to go outside, she needed to get some air.

Opening her eyes abruptly, Yael realized it was a nightmare, moving her eyes across the dark room, she found the only light coming through the curtains was from the moonlight. Her heartbeat was out of control, worryingly, she looked to her right, Cillian was oblivious of her dreams, nightmares like that had been a constant in the last days. Things didn’t make sense, but it all gravitated towards Cillian having a baby with someone else.

He was breathing deeply, his fringe resting against his forehead, full lips partially open. Yael got lost in the freckles that kissed his skin; face, neck, chest…

Yael didn’t want to disturb his peace, she just wanted to capture his soft features in her memory.

But the images and the pain was too much to deal with, the clock in Cillian’s nightstand said it was 3:12 am and she knew that she couldn’t go back to sleep. Not when her mind and heart were so agitated.

Carefully, to not disturb her husband and Scout, Yael slipped from the bed, the ache in her heart was barely bearable. Tiptoeing, she walked out of the bedroom, confused, overwhelmed.

It wasn’t just a nightmare, of course the meaning behind those bad dreams were her fears, her anxiety, her insecurities.

Would Cillian do in real life any of those things he did in her dreams? Opening the door to the attic, Yael couldn’t suppress the sob that came from the deepest part of her soul. Even though it hurt to have those kind of thoughts, she had to be realistic, if she couldn’t get pregnant how long would he stay by her side?

Wandering around the room she used as her photography office, she found on her desk the flyers that Cillian left the previous morning, when he arrived home from his gym session as he was getting back on track for his Tommy Shelby role in Peaky Blinders, he arrived home over excited about the information he got from a fertility clinic, it offered the whole process in the same place; from the fertilization of the eggs, to the gynecology service. He mentioned that some couples got pregnant after the first round, and he even read that acupuncture could help in some way boost or make easier the process of getting pregnant. His enthusiasm made her feel guilty, terrified actually. Cillian couldn’t stop talking about it until Yael felt dizzy.

Looking at the flyers resting on her desk, she stared at the happy couples holding their babies in their arms.

What if it didn’t work?

What if they spent all that money for nothing?

How many rounds would they need?

Would Cillian eventually get tired of trying?

That and million other questions bombarded her mind, making her feel more terrible than she already felt.

Cillian also mentioned they could even do a procedure where they literally put the fertilized egg directly into the womb, it seemed to be riskier, but he was willing to do anything.

Going through the photos she kept from each one of her projects, Yael found after a while the photo she was looking for.

Rubbing his eyes, Cillian crossed the attic, finding his wife sitting on the bench by the window. He had been calling her, but Yael didn’t seem to listen him.

“Baby what’s wrong? What happened?” His hands came to rest on her shoulders, making Yael jump a little, she moved the photo under her leg.

“What are you doing here?” She asked wiping er tears with her hand.

Cillian kissed her hair in a tender motion. “I turned around and you weren’t by my side, looked for you everywhere, why are you crying?”

“Had a nightmare, couldn’t sleep.” Yael looked down while his hands caressed her arms, up and down in a calming motion. “Go back to sleep, it’s nothing.”

But Cillian knew she wouldn’t be affected over just a simple nightmare. “Tell me about it.”

“Forget it, it’s something silly.”

Pulling against his bare chest, Cillian locked Yael into a tight embrace, she had been trying to hold it together all by herself, it was killing him not knowing what to do.

“I need you to trust me sunshine, I need to understand what’s going on in this beautiful head of yours.”

After taking a few minutes to enjoy the warmth of his skin and listening to his heartbeat, Yael exhaled loudly and finally, she decided to share out loud what was keeping her up.

“I’ve been having these bad dreams where you show up with a baby you had with some other woman, I never see the baby’s face… you just seem to be really happy an-” she sobbed, Cillian was trying to comprehend her words, her pain.

And he heard all about the nightmares Yael had during those last days, he truly listened as she described the scenes and images she dreamed about, his hands constantly trying to soothe and calm her. Judging by how affected she was, this wasn’t just a bad dream, these were real, genuine fears she was going through. Yael was terrified of him going to some other woman to have a baby.

Caressing her disheveled curls, which she failed to braid that night, Cillian shushed her worries away. “I’m here with you, it was just a dream.”

“You don’t understand.” Yael used her hands to push him away a little. “Those treatments don’t work overnight, sometimes they fail, the embryo doesn’t stick properly…” moving her hands, she took the photograph she was previously looking at, “I took photos of a couple every time they got the shots to get pregnant, they wanted me to document their process.”

Yael explained with tears now falling down her cheeks uncontrollably, holding the photo in front of Cillian.

“Until one day, they didn’t call me back, it took them four, almost five years and endless tryout to get pregnant, they were on the edge for that last round, emotionally they were done, they sold their house.”

Cillian was lost for words.

“You talk about IVF as if it is the easiest thing, like in the snap of a fingers we’ll get pregnant.”

Her own words haunting her now.

“But this is all my fault.”

Cillian’s voice almost broke when he spoke.

“What do you mean?”

“When you found out Sean wasn’t yours and I didn’t get my period… you said it wasn’t a good time to have babies and I was so mad at you, that I said I hoped every test would come back negative after that.”

Running his hand over his jaw, he remembered her words, his blue eyes watered.

“This isn’t happening because you said that.” He couldn’t cope with her pain, it was breaking his heart to see how shattered Yael was. “These things happen all the time,” he knelt before her, his hands cupping her face to force his wife look at him, “there are options, stop thinking you’re guilty, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Yael took a deep breath, processing his words.

Cillian cupped her face between his hands, thumbs caressing her cheeks gently. “When we got married, and said our vows we said we would be together through sickness and health. So I need you to stop worrying about me looking at someone else, I love you more than anything in this world, with or without a baby… it’s you and me together. We’ll see what’s the best option for us, yeah?”

“I don’t think I can go through a surgery,” Yael stammered, her eyes holding the tears one more time. “Not after all I went through when I was a kid.”

Months in a hospital bed, on and off the operation room, numerous opinions and diagnosis…

Cillian knew her panic to hospitals. It was too much for her.

“We don’t have to decide right away love, let’s take this one day at the time, yeah?” He kissed Yael’s tears away, trying to comfort her, he assured her those nightmares weren’t real and should wake him up the next time she dreamed those kind of things.

Her vulnerability made his heart clench, Yael didn’t deserve this kind of shit, she was the kindest human being, didn’t hurt anyone… he would do anything for her, to take away her pain. But all he could do at that moment was kiss and hold her in his arms.

As they walked down the stairs, Yael held to his waist tightly, the warmth of his body soothing her, each of them lost in their own thoughts, Cillian realized he’d sell his soul to make it easier for her.

“He took over my pillow.” Yael shook her head as they returned to their bedroom and found Scout snoring.

“Well, that means we can share mine.” Cillian offered his wife stealing a kiss and pulling her closer.

And for the first time, Yael felt peaceful, in Cillian’s arms. Because during the day the mind gets busy, but the demonds come at night, and she was relieved that she count on him to hold her when she needed it the most.

After sleeping in, Yael felt like she recovered those hours she skipped, she never woke up at eleven o’clock, but it was probably because her body needed to rest properly. Stepping into the kitchen after taking a shower, Yael was greeted by a cup of coffee, a small bouquet of fresh flowers, a croissant and a card from her husband.

I know you’ve been through some difficult days, just wanted to help you remember you’re the most amazing, smart, sensitive, smocking hot, funny, caring and brilliant wife I could ask for. Taking Scout to the vet for a bath, he stinks.

Love you with everything I got. Cillxo

Yael held the card against her chest, feeling extremely blessed for having Cillian as her partner during this difficult time. It wasn’t just about last night, she was grateful for everything.

“Good evening.” Joked Cillian. “Did you sleep well?”

Yael nodded, hugging him. “Thank you for all of your details.”

“Ah, you’re welcome love.” He took her by the chin to kiss her slowly, his hands moving south, to her bum. Her hands moved up, to the back of his neck… running her fingers through his curls while he groaned until her cellphone interrupted them.

“You need to get that, it’s your Mum.” When he saw her biting her lip, he added; “Nope, Yael I’ve ran out from excuses, every time she calls you’re out with Scout, taking a shower, forgot your phone…”

And he saw the sadness return to her eyes.

“I don’t want to tell her.” Her voice broke down. “I don’t want her to know.”

“She’s worried about you, that’s all… you don’t have to tell her sweetheart.” Cillian kissed her forehead but placed her phone in her hand and walked out of the kitchen.

Cillian took a deep breath, and picking a spot on the couch, he started to read the Peaky Blinders script for the upcoming season, he was already halfway through it and man, his life wasn’t the only one upside down, Tommy’s life was about to get ugly.

Unlike Tommy, Cillian talked about his feelings, he was sensible, he showed his wife he cared, because he did, he genuinely wanted them to get pregnant, but he also understood she had to deal with the worst part. If she didn’t want to try IVF, they could adopt? Try a surrogate?

Running his eyes through the script, he realized Tommy’s father, Arthur Sr. would die, so Steve decided to make a change in the plot and not have them break another fight.

Soft steps announced Yael entering to the reading room, the phone call with Isla went well, they needed to decide a few more things for Noah’s christening, it would be finally happening in two more weeks.

“See? It wasn’t so bad.”

“What if she asks something while we’re there?” Cillian pulled her by the hand to sit on his lap, his arms around her waist in seconds.

“We’ll figure it out, don’t worry about it now.”

“Thank you for being so patient.” Yael touched his jaw, noticing the subtle stubble. “This is new…”

“Yeah, about that… my manager called, they want me to do some photos for a magazine.”

“How’s Martin?” She haven’t heard from him lately, but she wasn’t really paying attention to anything. “Makes me remember of that time when we met at a Photoshoot.”

Cillian smiled. “I told him I’d do it… only if you are in charge.”

Yale’s features went through different emotions; shock, surprise, fear… to name a few.

“Cill…” She wasn’t feeling at her best, personally, how would she dare to get a responsibility like that?

“I just know you would do a fabulous job… I just want my wife back?”

Yael practically threw herself into his arms as she kissed him, making he forget about the script. Helping him lay down on the couch, with her on top of him, he could taste her tears on her lips as he deepened the kiss.

Cillian barely gave her time to take off her top, because he was on her in seconds, back in a sitting position, nibbling on her neck gently, loving the way she was moaning his name, enjoying the goosebumps of her skin, as he ran his hands over her body. Eyes locked, getting lost in the passion, their bodies moving in sync.

At least he had his wife back.

***

Next part

Tag list: @lyarr24 @runnning-outof-time @cillmequick @gypsy-girl-08 @datewithgianni @cloudofdisney @lespendy @onlydeadcells @fastfan @winchestergirl22 @stevie75 @prettylittlehoneyeyesxoxo @esposadomd @strayrockette @forbidden-forest-witch @elenavampire21 @forgottenpeakywriter @peakyscillian @moral-terpitude @babaohhhriley @queenshelby @heidimoreton @ange-thoughts @shelbydelrey @shaddixlife @sloanexx @cilliansangel @rangerelik @already-broken144 @alessioayla @paprikabadger @dolllol2405 @midnightmagpiemama @yrli8 @itsilvermorny @cutecurly-hair @mrkdvidal1989 @hyperfixationsonshuffle

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[horansqueen]

It Feels Like Christmas - Part 2

It feels like Christmas Just like Christmas It feels like Christmas with you...

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NIALL

Have you ever felt like fate was on your side? Have you ever felt like someone, even after just meeting them, was going to have a big impact on your life? It's not like the sky opened and a light beamed down on them or anything. It's not like an angelic song started when they appeared. No, it felt more like a stomach twisting, heart jumping kind of thing. Like there was this certitude inside of you, some thought that turned quickly into a fact, the fact that the person taking a seat next to you, in your taxi, was going to change your life one way or an other. Call it faith, call it intuition, call it a blessing... all I knew was that I had to try something.

"Alright, you're the mysterious kind, I can go along with that." I replied, letting my lips curl slightly, still staring at her.

She smiled back gently and somehow, I could read a 'thank you' in the way she was looking at me. Perhaps she didn't want to tell me too much about herself, but her eyes became soft and I could swear it was not anything against me.

Her eyes left mine and she grabbed the straw in her glass to bring it to her mouth. I stared at her, trying to find the right words to tell her to make sure she wouldn't run away, and I noticed how shy she was. It didn't seem like it at first glance. In fact, you could think she was quite outgoing and social but it was the little things that made me realize she was timid. She didn't mind talking but she tried to avoid my gaze. She accepted my invitation but tried to remain as far away physically from me as she could. She made jokes and laughed at mine but played with her straw nervously when I looked at her.

"Look, I'm gonna be very honest with you Niall..." she held her breath and shook her head before licking her lips. "I really hate Christmas."

Her confession shocked me. I hadn't expected something like that to come out of her lips. I thought she'd tell me she was not interested, that she wanted me gone, or that she was too tired to stay... but her spilling her feelings about Christmas was something I would have never guessed. I mean, I didn't think that was even possible.

"Who doesn't like Christmas?" I asked, a bit baffled, shaking my head and frowning.

"Me. Mimi Armstrong." she chuckled, raising her eyebrows. "Seriously. The lights, and the snow, and everyone rushing in the streets to buy gifts for people they pretend to care about. And the songs... the SONGS. They're driving me insane. All these Christmas trees appearing in malls, kids crying to sit on Santa's laps because their parents lied to them all year long about being nice so a fake magical man will reward them... oh, and the horrible Christmas movies with orphans who find families on Christmas day? All crap."

I stared at her when she stopped talking. She was shaking her head, looking at her drink as she moved the straw in her glass before taking a sip. I just stared at her angelic round face and when she turned on her stool a bit, I noticed her facial expression and something in my heart twisted. Why wasn't Mimi Armstrong happy?

"That's a very cynical way to imagine Christmas." I simply said in a gentle tone.

Slowly, she turned to me, and when her eyes met mine, I felt my heart jump in my chest. Have you ever felt like someone was a total enigma, yet something attracted you to them as if you had known them for decades? Maybe we had met in an other life, maybe her aura just connected with mine or an other weird shit like that... or maybe I was just completely crazy.

"Perhaps I'm a cynical person, Niall Horan, you don't know much about me."

"Yet."

Her lips curled shyly and she chuckled. I don't know how I managed it, but by one in the morning, Mimi was genuinely laughing with me after an intense debate about Christmas, and a funny sharing of Christmas stories.

"Would you like to have one last drink in my room?" she asked, putting her empty glass on the counter and turning to me on her stool.

I felt my lips curl slightly and she tilted her head and raised her eyebrows, waiting for my answer.

"Are you trying to get in my pants?"

She chuckled and raised her nose up in a cute way. "I would never do that. I barely know you."

We started laughing at the same time and I let my head fall slightly on my shoulders before we got up. I left a bill on the counter to cover for the tip and followed her to the elevator, staying slightly behind her as she walked. She kept turning around to make sure I was still there, sending me a small smile every single time, and when the doors of the elevator closed in front of us, I leaned on the wall, holding myself with the small banister behind me.

"Are you really inviting a stranger to your room?" I asked in an amused tone, hoping my words wouldn't make her change her mind.

"You're not a stranger." she argued, turning her upper body to look at me. "You're Niall Horan, from Ireland! The guy who's got a guitar for his fourth Christmas! Who gets a guitar when they're four?"

"It was a toy." I laughed. "I didn't get a guitar of my own before my teen years. I used my brother's to learn."

"Alright then!" she gave in with a big smile and a shrug. "Perhaps I don't know everything about you, but that doesn't make you a stranger."

The bell of the elevator made a 'ding' and we both heard the doors open. She took a few steps back and I walked with her as she laughed. "I'm not going to sleep with you though, I just want to make sure you're aware of that."

I smiled more and put both my hands in my pockets. "Noted."

I waited as she unlocked the door and she rushed inside, bending down to look at the bottles in the bar. She brought a bunch of tiny ones and put them on the bed before going through her bag, taking out a red and white gift bag.

"Wine?" she asked, opening the bottle. "God I'm so glad I bought them a twist cap."

"Is that a gift for..."

"My parents." she cut me, nodding quickly before shrugging. "It's okay, I can buy an other one."

We ended up sitting on the bed, face to face, hitting out plastic cups together before talking a long sip of wine. It tasted expensive but I didn't mention it as she leaned against the wall, tilting her head. She seemed to study me and I let her, finishing my glass and filling it again, doing the same with hers.

"What's your favorite Christmas song?" she finally asked before my eyes got smaller as I took the time to think.

"Baby It's Cold Outside."

She frowned and chuckled, shaking her head. "Is that even a Christmas song?"

"Actually, yes it is."

"Do they even mention Christmas in that song? I don't think so." she laughed with a shrug. "It's a winter song alright, they do mention it being cold outside, that much is obvious, but that girl singing clearly didn't go on a date with that man on Christmas."

"Why not?"

I was starting to be intrigued by her theories and even if they always ended up being pessimistic, they were still interesting and I was curious.

"She would clearly be with her family. That girl's got the family values." she pointed out, making me laugh. "Also don't you think that man's a bit pushy? He insists so much after she told him a million times she had to go. He won't let her leave and that is seriously creepy."

"Maybe he feels like she doesn't really want to leave?"

"That's what a rapist would say."

This time, I laughed a bit louder. "Well, I can't say you're wrong!"

"You should find a new favorite Christmas song." she finally said, leaning closer to grab one of the bottle waiting on the bed before looking up at me again.

Her cheeks were red, her smile was immense, and her eyes seemed to shine. It could be just alcohol but she did invite me in her room, didn't she?

"Will do, I promise." I whispered, making her smile turn into a fond one.

We stayed in silence for a while, finishing the wine bottle and glancing at each other. I wanted to tell her something clever but nothing would come to mind. Actually, a lot of things did, but nothing smart or relevant.

"You know, my parents are not really my parents." she finally admitted, making me look up at her quickly. "I mean technically and legally, they are, but biologically, they're not. I was adopted."

"Oh."

"Mmhm," she continued, pressing her lips together and pouring some vodka in her glass. The taste with the wine must have been weird but I didn't mention it. "I was 13 when I was adopted. Which makes the whole thing even harder because, I remember my real parents, you know? When you're adopted as a baby, it's different, but when you have an actual past... a story with your real parents and then you get adopted, there are way more questions left unsaid. It's not that they couldn't afford to have a baby, or that they were too young. They knew you and decided you just weren't good enough."

I felt something twist in my chest as I watched her facial expression change and her eyes water. She cleared her throat and swallowed all the vodka in her glass before making a grimace.

"So you grow up bitter, and become a rebel, because if your real parents couldn't love you, then how could two strangers do? And if they were not going to love you, then you'd at least give them reasons not to." she shrugged and her eyes finally met mine. "But hey, I didn't turn out too bad, considering."

"You're an amazing young woman, Mimi." I let out in a very soft tone. "Whoever doesn't love you is a fool."

She stared at me for a few seconds, her eyes fluttering and her lips very lightly curled into a gentle but tiny smile. She passed her hand in her hair and suddenly. the moment was over.

"What about you? What's your story?"

"Nothing like that." I admitted, raising my eyebrows and grabbing a bottle of rum.

"Perfect family? I'm not surprised."

"No family is perfect." I corrected, opening the small bottle in my hands. "My parents are divorced but they don't hate each other. I don't really get along with my brother but I love him."

"You have people who love you. People who will love you despite everything, no matter what you do, or say." she whispered, licking her lips. "That must be great."

I waited but we both remained motionless. I watched her swallow hard, trying to keep her tears in, and slowly, I got up, took all the bottles left from the bed to put them away, and walked up to her. She let me take her empty glass from her hands and I sat down next to her. She hesitated but let herself fall in my arms, pressing her face in my shirt as I held her close. I leaned my cheek on the top of her head and closed my eyes. She smelled like cocoa and candy cane, and the irony of her smelling like Christmas while also hating it made me squeeze her harder against me. When I saw Mimi, I thought she would change my life but perhaps, I was the one who could shine a little light on hers. And I would do anything I could to do it.

[saoirsetm]

hey y’all ! i’m kat and we’re FINALLY opening ?!? i’m so hyped, you don’t even know. i’m a double leo Trying to survive video lectures in a noisy house who loves dark chocolate and 80% of the kpop releases so far this year ( stream feel good by fromis_9, it’s such a cute bop ! ) i’m also a cat mom to my almost fourteen year old babies who are still like energetic kittens, so ask for pics and you shall receive DSLKGJ but without further ado, here’s my girl who’s gonna prove that hindsight is INDEED 20/20, so this is gonna be fun:

✧ ˖ * ° ><> ╱  abigail cowen,  cis female,  she/her  —  look  who’s  fresh  from  the  ferry,  aren’t  you  SAOIRSE LEARY  ?  your  eroda  brochure  says  you’re  TWENTY-THREE  and  that  you’re  currently  residing  in  MARMOTON  .  your  favourite  tourist  attraction  to  hang  around  is  ERODIAN BEACH  ,  and  the  locals  around  these  ports  would  describe  you  as  INQUISITIVE  &  INTREPID,  STUBBORN  &  IMPULSIVE  .  your  resting  fish  face  really  gives  off  LONG HAIR BLOWN BACK BY THE OCEAN BREEZE, LATE NIGHTS SPENT PLOTTING THE NEXT GREAT VOYAGE, RED LIPSTICK IMPRINTED ON A MUG OF TEA  ,  and  i’m  a  big  fan  of  the  VINTAGE CELTIC KNOT NECKLACE  you  seem  to  always  be  attached  to.  well,  if  you  see  the  minister  this  morning;  make  sure  you  head  on  home  as  quick  as  possible,  you  never  know  what  bad  luck  he  could  bring.  ╱  ooc;  kat,  23,  she/her,  ast.

tw: needles ( tattoo mention ), cancer mention, death mention

miss saoirse...... oof

GDFLSJL where do i begin with her honestly ??

full name is saoirse eve leary, affectionately called cece by her family since she was young and runs with it as her nickname !

born and raised in cork, ireland with two siblings, a working class father and Slightly upper middle class mother

her childhood wasn’t like, Majorly eventful; she was considered a bit of a tomboy which isn’t a surprise bc she’s always been a bit of a spirited, adventurous girl, has the odd nomadic moment strike her and loves to travel

had a SUPER close relationship with her maternal grandmother before she passed a few years back, still has a close one with her grandfather and paternal grandmother as they’re still living

is a big family girl overall, so much so that she’s eagerly awaiting the day she gets to be the cool aunt

had a decent cluster of pals over the years that’s likely dwindled due to everyone going their separate ways after high school

saoirse Did go to uni between her travels — and graduated — and has aspirations of becoming an anthropologist to explore other cultures and meet new people/understand them

which.. obviously ain’t happening now LFSGJGF rip

came to eroda partially bc it seems like such a pretty and quaint place, partially to explore its “ myth ” that you can never leave; her naturally curious ass questions the whole thing, at least in the sense that there’s no way to challenge your supposed fate on the island and won’t deny entertaining some conspiracy theories around the mystery

she still doesn’t understand that.. yeah, she Literally is stuck here for the rest of her life now, probably because she hasn’t made a Real attempt to put that to the test, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it FDSLKJDS

anyways she came here solo ( more than likely ) and has enjoyed her time getting to know the locals and other visitors, taking in the scenery, etc

probably took up a part-time job at sally’s tavern to cover her expenses since she lives in marmoton and it ought to be close enough for her to get to gfjlsdg

personality and everything else

a sociable, ( relatively ) fearless ginger with an eclectic taste in music and a profound appreciation for pastries.. 

despite being all about cleaner eating habits and lowering her sugar intake, she takes a cheat day or week wherever she can LSDGFJK

parties, game nights, etc, you name it ?? she’s there !

kinda competitive while we’re bringing up games and such, but she’s not about the whole sore winner/loser thing — rather she’ll groan and sulk a little before moving on

like i said before, loves to travel, loves pretty places in general so prepare yourself for an abundance of pictures on her insta feed of where she’s been or where she wants to go

loyal as hell, but she has her limit if you misuse the trust that comes with it

she’s just v wholesome and has a mix of small town city/endlessly curious energy with a sprinkle of being the life of the party……. kinda

however, she’s the most ?? hard to place person all the same

that feeling of freedom that comes with her exploring and all makes her a little hard to tie down; she doesn’t plan on staying in eroda ( which is unfortunate for her considering.... fglsdk ) as she has more to accomplish and see

very much does her own thing and doesn’t wanna hear any criticism for it

as if she’s that out of line DLJGDSLK but still

always wants to try new things, no matter how dumb they might be; except for anything that’s a Legitimate death sentence or is.. a GENUINELY dumb idea, she has enough common sense to know what Not to do KSGFDJDS

has little tattoos on her wrist and behind her left ear for her Favourite trips/symbols/whatever and her family, will let y’all know what they’d be whenever i figure them out since i’m so damn picky with these things

a Big supporter for buying/investing locally, has little trinkets and such to prove it

in fact, she has a collection of thrifted or vintage clothes from her travels and back home, and a chest full of cute jewelry she switches between daily

one piece she wears all the time — only parts with it when she sleeps — is the celtic knot pendant mentioned in her app that’s become something of an heirloom on her mom’s side of the family !

she has the cutest irish lilt in my mind, kinda the same as miss ronan’s and aisling bea’s

really loves her freckles, partially bc i love her freckles and my own :(

tea > coffee, but she loves coffee-flavoured things; bring her a peppermint or camomile tea as her shift winds down or.. idk, just because, and she’ll be forever indebted to you fldjgs

loves to hang out by the water in her free time — she loves the scent and sounds that comes with it, it’s one of the few places where she can put her mind to rest for a bit

the sound of rain hitting a rooftop is her perfect sleep soundtrack

kinda wants to adopt a pet, but doesn’t wanna leave them if she goes on an excursion where they can’t come with her :(

baths with epsom salts, candles that smell like lavender or something just as pleasant and calming, etc during a night in soothes the hell out of her soul

top three products she has in her bag at all times, besides personal info and her phone ? lip balm, a powder spf and mints FGLGKSD

btw.. miss ginger hair and freckles will probably gasp at anyone going out with no spf on them and scold tf out of them bc ‘ hello, melanoma ?? sunburn ?!? ’

wanted connections

childhood pal(s) she’s bumped into: reunited by chance, cece’s glad she has a couple of people she knows to keep her grounded when her mind runs wild at what Might happen when she decides to try her hand at leaving

cousin(s), other relatives: idk, figured it’d be fun for her to have a family member or two running around and not realizing the other relative is the Only one they’ll see in person from here on out

best pal(s) in eroda: someone she’s taken to since arriving, likely spending their free-time eating pastries on the beach, talking shit over tea, little market dates, going to the rainzone half-drunk and trying to rope each other into new things

opposites attract.. of sorts sfdlgkj: basically just a traveler meeting a local who’s never been off eroda, telling all about their ( quite limited ) excursions and bonding in other areas over time !

hook-ups, fwbs.... ENEMIES with benefits?? idk, point is the girl’s probably gotten laid since arriving, it’s all a matter of the situation that fits your muse(s) best FHGSDKJ

roommate: she lives in marmoton, likely in a rental of sorts, and i can’t see her living alone given the situation on the island ( though i’ve viewed her as the type to live alone in a space for one and a half people any other time tbh ). so she has just One and they make the arrangement work ! depending on their personalities and such, we’ll figure out how well they get along Exactly, if at all

ex ??: the girl’s bi so y’all can toss anyone at her for this one as well ! question marks bc i was thinking it’d be an on-and-off thing but maybe not come the time i post this intro LSGKD. basically they were seeing each other for a few months, she fell hard Quick/they moved kinda fast bc they were vibing and they would distance themselves upon realizing this — though i see cece giving them distance bc she knows they need it rather than needing it herself. if it IS on-and-off, they’re definitely off rn and treading lightly ( though she finds it hard to stray and hates things not being fully resolved no matter what happens ?? ), so all it’s a bit angsty regardless of how it goes dfgkljsdg

fellow mystery fiend: someone please fuel her curiosity to the max and try to crack the impossible case of eroda’s captive capabilities with her.. and proceed to watch true crime shows with her when that clearly goes to shit SDFKLJ

older sibling or mentor dynamic: someone to look out for her/teach her some things to help fully support herself/give her advice when she probably needs it most.. idk, i just like the idea of someone becoming a stand-in relative type of friend to her 

just give her someone to confide in, to swim at night with, stargaze and all that cute shit, be it platonically or otherwise !

she’s not gonna click with everyone and that’s fine, BUT maybe they run in the same social circles and cece thinks they seem nice enough, but they never really talk amongst themselves ?? just a case of awkwardly starting from scratch and seeing where it takes us !

[richfieldbranch]

Mike’s Picks

Hello to all our Richfield Library Patrons. Enjoy our new Adult Services newsletter with some more suggestions to keep you busy while you're stuck at home. The books are all available at akronlibrary.org under the digital media section. All titles are in both the E-book and E-audio formats. The movies below have been released on one of the major streaming services. If you don't have access to Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime, be sure to check out the free movies you can access through the library, with our Hoopla or Kanopy apps.

Adult Services Librarian Mike Daly, mdaly@akronlibrary.org

Books:

Non-Fiction

The Library Book by Susan Orlean

This book, by Shaker Heights native and the author of the Orchid Thief, tells the story of the huge fire at the Los Angeles Public Library. Because it took place during the same week as the Chernobyl disaster in 1986, not many people outside California know the story. The author reopens the unsolved mystery of the most catastrophic library fire in American history. The fire was disastrous: it reached 2000 degrees and burned for more than seven hours. By the time it was extinguished, it had consumed four hundred thousand books and damaged seven hundred thousand more. Investigators descended on the scene, but more than thirty years later, the mystery remains: Did someone purposefully set fire to the library--and, if so, who? Part mystery, part love letter to American libraries, Orlean tells a fascinating story.

Say nothing: a true story of murder and memory in Northern Ireland by Patrick Radden Keefe

This book which appeared on all the major top ten lists for 2019 is a great true crime story that reads like a novel. In December 1972, Jean McConville, a thirty-eight-year-old mother of ten, was dragged from her Belfast home by masked intruders, her children clinging to her legs. They never saw her again. Her abduction was one of the most notorious episodes of the vicious conflict known as The Troubles. Everyone in the neighborhood knew the I.R.A. was responsible. But in a climate of fear and paranoia, no one would speak of it. In 2003, five years after an accord brought an uneasy peace to Northern Ireland, a set of human bones was discovered on a beach. McConville's children knew it was their mother when they were told a blue safety pin was attached to the dress.

Fiction

Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

I found this book to be one the best surprises of the last year. Eleanor Oliphant struggles with appropriate social skills and tends to say exactly what she’s thinking. Nothing is missing in her carefully timetabled life of avoiding social interactions, where weekends are punctuated by frozen pizza, vodka, and phone chats with Mummy. But everything changes when Eleanor meets Raymond, the bumbling and deeply unhygienic IT guy from her office. When she and Raymond together save Sammy, an elderly gentleman who has fallen on the sidewalk, the three become the kinds of friends who rescue one another from the lives of isolation they have each been living. And it is Raymond’s big heart that will ultimately help Eleanor find the way to repair her own profoundly damaged one.

Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate

Based on one of America’s most notorious real-life scandals—in which Georgia Tann, director of a Memphis-based adoption organization, kidnapped and sold poor children to wealthy families all over the country this fictionalized account was one of my favorite books I read last year. At once both heartbreaking and heart warming, it tells a story you will remember long after turning the last page.

Movies:

This weekend we had a Humphrey Bogart marathon. Watched To Have and Have Not, The Maltese Falcon, Casablanca, and The African Queen. Besides killing a Sunday afternoon it was so much fun hearing all the classic lines and enjoying the wonderful supporting performances.

And finally.................

Monday March 30th is

National Doctor's Day

“Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.” Norman Cousins

“Doctors always think anybody doing something they aren't is a quack; also they think all patients are idiots.” Flannery O'Connor

“Doctors?" said Ron, looking startled. "Those Muggle nutters that cut people up?” J. K. Rowling

Tuesday April 1st is

National Clam Day

“She ate so many clams that her stomach rose and fell with the tide.” Louis Kronenberger

“Do the Clam, do the Clam, grab your barefoot baby by the hand.” Elvis Presley

“Happy as a clam, is what my mother says for happy. I am happy as a clam: hard-shelled, firmly closed.” Margaret Atwood

Wednesday April 1st is

April Fool's Day

“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” Alexander Pope

“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.” Winston Churchill

“When we are born, we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools.” William Shakespeare

Thursday April 2nd is

National Burrito Day

“A burrito is a delicious food item that breaks down all social barriers and leads to temporary

spiritual enlightenment.” Lisi Harrison

“A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.” Mitch Hedberg

“Ever had a flying burrito hit you? Well, it's a deadly projectile, right up there with cannonballs and grenades.” Rick Riordan

Friday April 3rd is

American Circus Day

“Keep the circus going inside you, keep it going, don't take anything too seriously, it'll all work out in the end.” David Niven

“Life is a circus ring, with some moments more spectacular than others.” Janusz Korczak

“The circus is the only fun you can buy that is good for you.” Ernest Hemingway

Saturday April 4th is

International Carrot Day

“The day is coming when a single carrot, freshly observed, will set off a revolution.” Paul Cezanne

“You ask me what life is. That's like asking what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot, and there's nothing more to know.” Anton Chekhov

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.” Mae West

More to come next week!

[nightingiall]

little do you know, chapter 18; i love you

Fact: “The brain treats rejection like physical pain.”

previous chapters + drabbles

Mona was running on autopilot.

She was awake but wasn’t thinking of anything, simply going through the motions of her morning routine.

They were back in New York. As soon as they had landed, she felt the bitter taste of reality flood her mouth when Niall kissed her the moment no one was looking. She’d only just tossed her luggage to a corner of her room and collapsed face down into her bed when he’d texted her, asking her to go over to his room for a cuddle. After spending the last few days sharing a bed with him, it was all she really wanted to do, if she was being honest with herself. But then, the jitters came back, she’d made up some excuse of being too tired to move from her bed, and they’d sort of left it at that.

Now, she was mindlessly pulling on a cardigan, gathering her things into her bag and throwing it over her shoulder. She didn’t know where she was going yet, but all she really wanted was to get away, to find some place quiet to just think and make sense of all the emotions coursing through her exhausted body at the moment.

Their last few hours in Vegas had been quite uneventful. At least nothing happened that Mona could remember because she’d been too busy working herself up into a panic. After bringing herself to a somewhat calm state after spending who knows how long hyperventilating in the shower, she got dressed and headed to Zayn’s room. Harlow had been the one to open the door because he had apparently gone out in search of some snacks, but Mona didn’t need him to get what she wanted anyway. She simply dug through the front pocket of his case to find the pack of cigarettes and his spare lighter, taking one cig from the box before scurrying out, ignoring Harlow’s questioning looks.

She couldn’t remember her feet taking her anywhere, but when she’d regained focus again, she’d realized she made her way outside to the back of the building, her spine pressing against the cool brick exterior as she sunk down to the floor. Smoking wasn’t really her thing, but she brought the cigarette to her lips anyway, wondering to herself how she even got there. Her hands shook too much to light it, but once she’d gotten it going, she’d taken one pull only to realize that it was a big mistake. The smoke that filled her lungs only sent her body into panic mode again, and she found herself furiously wiping away her tears as she sat there, on the dingy back alley of the hotel, surrounded by smoke.

She didn’t even know why this was happening. Why was it so hard to picture herself happy with Niall? Why was she so afraid of just telling him how she felt? That maybe there might even be a shred of a chance that he could feel the same?

So, she had issues.

Now, she found herself in her favorite back corner of the library. There was never anyone there and she was always guaranteed a few hours of pure silence at her table. She didn’t know how long she sat there, with her books spread out in front of her, not taking in a single word, but that spot of the library had remained as empty as ever, not even a librarian drifting by to re-shelve books. And she was glad for it.

Until…

“Knew I’d find ya here,” came a familiar brogue murmuring into her ear. She flinched, only to realize he’d had his baseball mitt hands on her shoulders. He chuckled at her reaction, pressing a light kiss to her cheek and pulling up a seat beside her; she was acutely aware of the cold spots on her shoulders where his hands were, his warmth slowly dissipating from her skin. Before she could even catch her bearings, he had taken his seat and was already leaning in, pressing the sweetest and softest of kisses to her lips, the sunshine from his smile seeping into her bloodstream. “Hi,” he mumbled, lips brushing against the corner of her mouth.

When he pulled back, she felt like she was being yanked from a dream. “Hi,” she breathed back, unable to stop the way her fingers started to tremble, unable to stop the way her heart rate skyrocketed. She had to do it. She had to end it.

Niall leaned back into his chair, skin glowing and eyes glimmering and Mona could feel herself faltering. She was such a goner for him. “I came by last night for that cuddle but Harlow said you’d already fallen asleep.” He smiled sweetly, and the way he did it made him look boyish and charming. Mona felt guilt crawling up her windpipes because that wasn’t true, she’d simply pretended to sleep when Harlow came in to check on her. “Didn’t wanna bother you but I think I’ve gotten so used to you being in bed with me that it was hard to fall asleep.”

Mona had to bite back the smile that threatened to break through at that, had to tamp down the hope that started to flutter around in the pit of her stomach. She really hated when he said things like that because it made it difficult to determine where she truly stood with him. “Sorry.” She couldn’t help the way she sounded a bit defeated. “Traveling makes me crazy tired.”

Niall grinned, reaching forward to brush strands of her hair that had fallen out of her haphazard bun away from her face, tucking them behind her ear. “Yeah. I know.” She sighed inwardly. Here she was, with this gorgeous boy who always murmured sweet nothings into her skin, who kissed her so gently, who she loved with all her heart, and she couldn’t even tell him how she felt, and she couldn’t even begin to think herself as worthy of him.

She’d been so lost in her thoughts that she wasn’t sure how it happened, but somehow, Niall had thrown an arm across the back of her chair, the warmth radiating from beneath his jumper pressing into her skin. He was leaning in, eyes already fluttered shut, lips parted slightly, and every one of her instincts had her leaning forward too. It hadn’t even been that long but, oh, how she craved his kiss. She wanted more. She always wanted more.

And yet, something lit up in her head. Something that had her hand pressing against his chest, pushing as she curled her feet into the legs of the chair and slid herself backwards, as far away as she could get from that warmth. “Stop,” she croaked, and when she managed to open her eyes, Niall was watching her in concern, already moving forward to comfort her obvious hurt, and again, she moved away.

“What’s wrong, darlin’?” His bright blue eyes were so wide and honest and lovely, but Mona couldn’t help but physically cringe at the nickname. He reached for her hand which was still sitting limply on the surface of the table and she pulled it away, averting her eyes so she didn’t have to watch whatever look he’d just pulled.

Mona could feel herself beginning to hyperventilate. She’d bottled and bottled her feelings and now they felt like they were about to explode and there was nothing she could do to stop it. “I need to tell you something,” she blurted out. Her heart was beating ten times faster than normal and she almost wondered if this was what cardiac arrest felt like.

Niall’s eyes widened. “Me too.” Now he actually looked a little nervous. “It’s why I came to find you actually…it’s, uh. It’s kind of urgent.”

She nodded. He should probably go first anyway. It would buy her time to try and figure out how exactly she wanted to tell him that she didn’t want to be his friend with benefits anymore—because god knows that is an awkward conversation.

But Niall motioned for her to go first and she really didn’t want to do that so she decided to just wait. Maybe he would take the hint and go ahead and say what he had to say.

The silence stretched miles between them. All Mona could hear was the thump thump thump of her heart in her ears and she started to feel nauseous, just like that night at Connemara’s. Her body was warning her of something, something bad, and all she could do was sit there and wait for it.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She needed to end this. It hurt so much, all the time, and she couldn’t live like this anymore, in fear of what Niall was going to say to her, in fear of her feelings. The words came out like word vomit, except it happened to both of them at the same time.

“We can’t do this anymore—”

“—I’m going to Ireland.”

They both paused, watching each other as if they couldn’t believe what came out of the other’s mouth. And in a way, Mona couldn’t believe what he’d just said. He always told her he was never going back. She wondered what had happened to change his mind. “You’re going to Ireland?”

Something flashed in Niall’s eyes, like he was still stuck two minutes in the past. “We can’t do what anymore?”

Niall, again, tried to move closer, reach out, do something to console her sudden mood change, but once more, Mona recoiled. “This,” she gestured vaguely at the library books surrounding them, “this,” gesturing again between the two of them. “Whatever this is. We need to stop.”

Now, when she met his eyes, he looked confused, but guarded in a way that reminded her of when they first truly interacted, at the cabin all those years ago. “What d’you mean?”

Mona huffed, twisting her fingers through the baby hairs at the nape of her neck in frustration. She’d been too distracted to comb it this morning, and her fingers caught in several unruly knots. “What are we doing? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves when it’s obvious that it’s going nowhere, this meaningless relationship?”

She couldn’t keep the exasperation from her voice, and Niall reacted to it like he’d just sustained a blow. “Meaningless?” He scooted his chair closer but didn’t reach out, instead leaning forward and hoping Mona didn’t move away. “Mo, what are you talking about.”

“I—” This was it, she was starting to panic. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. Tremors radiated throughout her entire body and she had to tamp down the nausea by swallowing quickly. “I—” She huffed at herself, angry at the way her cheeks suffused with heat. As tears pricked at her eyes, she really thought she was going to be sick. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. “I can’t do this anymore. I was fine. Everything was fine. And then you came along and now I can’t stop feeling things and freaking out over every little thing.”

She chanced a glance at Niall only to find him watching her with the most confused look in his eyes, and now a new feeling was crawling through her: stupidity. “Darlin’, I really don’t understand what you’re saying.”

She sunk into her chair, half wishing that it could just swallow her up so she wouldn’t have to have this conversation with him. “I’m saying,” she said, voice level, because she knew she was only a few breaths away from crying, “that I don’t want to have sex with you anymore. Or cuddles or hand holding or sharing beds and kisses or any of it. Because now everything is complicated and my feelings are all over the place and I don’t know where I stand with you or what I am to you and it kills me every single day. So I just want it to all stop.”

She took a deep breath after her ramble, the heat in her face growing down her neck. When she looked at Niall again, something like realization flashed in his eyes. “No,” he breathed, and she really wished he didn’t look at her like that. “Mona, I—you—something is getting mixed up here because that’s not—” He searched her eyes, those bright blue ones looking increasingly…mortified? Terrified? Mona wasn’t sure. “Mo, I like you.”

Mona felt like he’d just slapped her across the face. Her heart completely stopped, which probably explained why she did what she did next, because her brain took over from there. “You’re just saying that because I want to end this thing we have.”

Niall sucked in a breath, moving closer, and she didn’t miss the urgency in his voice. “Mo,” he tried to laugh, like this was all a joke, but it sounded more like a huff, “what are you—I really like you.”

She wanted to scream at him or place her hands on his shoulders and give him a hard shake. Why couldn’t he see what she was trying to tell him? “No you don’t, Niall.”

Now, his eyes blazed. He dragged her chair closer and turned it around so it was facing him, his hands slamming down onto the table top as he blocked off her other side with his legs so she wouldn’t run away. He knew her too well. “How are you going to try and tell me how I feel?” He sounded completely offended, and she felt that stupid instinct to push him away because he was getting too close into those walls she’d so meticulously put up around herself over the years.

“Because I know that you don’t!” She clenched her fingers into a fist and pressed them to her knees, as if that would calm her down. Suddenly, every instance in which she doubted him flashed through her mind, every instance which factored into her deciding that they would never work out together, that he would never feel the way she felt about him. “If you did then why did you buy drinks for that girl in Vegas? Why are you always flirting with girls at Connemara’s? Why did you kiss Cleo?” Those last words ripped out of her. She hadn’t exactly said them out loud before, and she felt like her heart was breaking into even more shreds. As she spoke again, her voice was quiet, broken. “Those aren’t things you do when you like someone else.”

Silence. It was deafening. Niall’s face was pulled into complete shock, and she wondered if hers mirrored it. He opened and closed his mouth for a few moments, mouthing words except no sound would come out. A traitorous tear fell down Mona’s cheek and she angrily wiped it away. She didn’t want to be here anymore. She wanted to go and lock herself in her bedroom and possibly never come out. Finally, he whispered, “You saw that?”

He could’ve been talking about anything. But Mona had the feeling they were finally having the Cleo conversation. That moment in Connemara’s was what kickstarted these tremoring nerves in her, and she would very much like not to have another panic attack over this again. Against her will, her lips started to wobble, and more tears started to spill from her eyes. Her hands shook more than she could even begin to control.

“Mona,” Niall croaked. He looked as if he were about to cry too and she immediately averted her eyes. She couldn’t look at him anymore. “You have to believe me even though I know you don’t want to.” He held both of her hands in his and willed her to meet his eyes. “That meant nothing I swear. I promise. It was just a mistake. I was drunk. Mona, please.” There was a wild and desperate look in the bright blue, and at the sight of it, Mona found her brain becoming even more jumbled. She wasn’t sure what was happening, what she was doing, why she was doing it. All she wanted was to stop her chest from hurting so bad. “Mona, I lov—”

“Don’t say it.” Her voice was hoarse, and again, she snatched her hands away from his grip. Her breath came out in stutters, and it was probably the lack of oxygen that had her brain feeling like it was ready to short-circuit at any moment. She needed to get out of here, away from Niall, so she could just think. Just process her feelings and this situation and think. “Do not say something you don’t mean to me right now. Don’t make this worse than it already is.”

But Niall was adamant. He pulled her chair towards him and grabbed her face between his hands. “Don’t do this,” he whispered, begging. His fingers gently brushed her wild hair away from her eyes and he held her as if she was made of glass. “I know this is a lot and I know that you’re hurt but we can talk about it and it’ll all make sense, I promise.”

She couldn’t. Do. This. She couldn’t breathe. She needed to go away away away, far from Niall, where she could find some oxygen and some quiet and just think. “I don’t want to talk!” she hissed, shoving his hands away, the tears spilling down faster and more frequently, and she was starting to hyperventilate. It felt like the walls of the library were closing in on her. She needed to get out of there. “This hurts, Niall! Can’t you see? This hurts and I can’t do it anymore. It’s too much. Too much.”

“Mona.” But it was too late. She was already grabbing her bag and shoving books back inside of it. A stupid sob left her lips and that was all she needed to spin around on her heel and get out of there. “Mona!” Niall called out after her, but she was already running. Running, between the shelves of books and down the stairs and through the hallway and out the door. Running, all the way down the street and through the little park at the corner and not stopping until she tripped over a branch and had to sit down at a bench to pull splinters out of her hands.

She didn’t know how long she sat there but she vaguely registered her phone blowing up with calls and texts. She didn’t dare look to see who they were from.

It was quite strange. Just a few days ago she was happy and laughing with Harlow’s family in San Francisco, and now, she was sitting here, in New York, wondering how on earth it felt like her life had turned completely upside down since then. She started at her hands, twisting her fingers together as she tried to figure out what to do.

Her mehndi stain was starting to fade. But if she looked closely, she could still make out Niall’s name, swirled intricately into the curves of a flower petal. She remembered Pari’s words as she worked on Mona’s hands with her henna cone— “I know enough about you two to root for you and you’re not gonna let my dreams die.”

Mona gulped. She didn’t know how she was going to tell Pari that there would be nothing to root for now.

Her phone buzzed again, this time with a phone call, and when she looked at it, she was not surprised to see Niall’s contact photo smiling at her. She didn’t know what it was, if it was the breeze lightly tickling her cheeks or the fact that she felt like she probably had nothing more to lose, but she answered it.

“Mo,” Niall rushed out, without waiting for a greeting from her. “Please listen carefully and do not hang up the phone.” She huffed at that. He knew her way too well, but there was a sort of pleading in his voice that kept her hanging on to his every word. “I know you’re upset and you probably have every right to be.” He sounded out of breath, like he had been running somewhere. “It’s been really weird and complicated between us, I know, but…you’re upset because—because—” He huffed, and she heard clattering on his end as if he’d dropped something. “Because you have feelings for me too, right? And you don’t know where we stand.”

She felt her face heat up. She hoped he wasn’t mocking her because that would just have been cruel.

“Mo, you there?” There was a twinge of something like panic in his voice now.

“Yeah,” she got out, her voice hoarse.

“Okay,” he breathed. “Meet me at the place this all began. And I promise this will all make sense and everything will fall into place.” All the background noise stopped, and it sounded as if he’d gone into a building or someplace quiet. “Nothing happened with Cleo and I don’t even feel anything for her like I feel for you but just—just meet me there and I’ll explain everything.”

Mona closed her eyes. There was a lot to unpack in his words and she had no idea where to even start to make sense of it all. Thoughts were whizzing around in her head like crazy, and she was starting to feel a bit scatter brained.

“Mona,” Niall got out when she didn’t say anything, and this time, he sounded desperate. “Please say something? Please?”

But she didn’t know what to say. Her throat was as dry as ever as she gulped a few times, searching for words to string together. But nothing came to mind.

On the other side of the line, wherever he was, Niall sighed. “Okay. If you’re not there by half past five…I’ll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I’ll leave you alone. For good.” She gasped softly. “Please, Mo,” he whispered before he hung up, leaving her alone with her thoughts again.

The sounds of the city surrounded her, honking cars and buses driving past and people walking on the sidewalk talking on their cellphones all melding together to create a collective din she could only associate with New York. But there was only one sound ringing relentlessly in her ears: the sound of Niall’s voice.

If you’re not there by half past five, I’ll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I’ll leave you alone. For good.

Alone for good? Mona’s pulse skyrocketed at the thought. She could hardly even imagine a world without her sunshine boy in it.

Suddenly, she started to walk again. She didn’t know where her feet were taking her. All she knew was that she just needed to move, just needed to have something to do to distract her from her agonizing thoughts. Distantly, she realized that walking around aimlessly would not help her case for long, that she’d need to give Niall an answer by half past five, but all she really wanted at the moment was for her brain to just stop. She needed to be able to get someplace quiet where she could sort out all of her conflicting emotions and make a rational decision.

She rolled her eyes at herself. This should’ve been a no-brainer. Then what was stopping her?

As she passed near the library again, she found her answer.

She was across the street but she could see him as clear as day. He was standing in front of the library doors, carding his fingers through his hair in a way she knew he only did when he was stressed out of his mind. The street was wide, with three lane traffic going in either direction and a median strip for pedestrians in the middle, so she only caught glimpses of him through the moving traffic, but she wondered if there was that telltale flush making its way up his neck.

And then it happened.

A cab stopped in front of the library and out came a familiar head of long blonde hair. Mona recognized Cleo instantly, especially as the cab drove away, her poise and confident stance unmistakable. Niall’s shoulders slumped in what looked like relief at the sight of her, and even from where she was standing across the street, Mona could see the way the corners of his lips curved up slightly as he brought her in for a hug.

Mona felt a swoop in her belly, like she was at the top of a rollercoaster and then she was falling and falling without being able to prepare herself. Numbly, she looked away. She didn’t want to see any more. She didn’t even want to feel anymore. Like she’d been doing a lot lately, she did the one thing she was capable of: she walked away.

How cruel of Niall to ask her to give him a chance and then run right into the arms of Cleo! How foolish he must’ve thought she was! How was he going to run right to Cleo, when this whole issue was because of Cleo?!

Even the crisp April breeze could not cut through the heat she was feeling in her skin, the burn of anger and frustration and embarrassment and heartbreak. This was already hard, why did Niall have to go and make it infinitely more difficult? Why did he have to go and make her feel more than she even wanted to. She hated him in that moment, hated him and his bright blue eyes and his baseball mitt hands and his sickeningly sweet smile.

And then another voice in her head laughed so hard it sounded like a cackle, because even deep in her heart, she knew it wasn’t even possible for her to hate her sunshine boy.

When she finally looked up to try and figure out where exactly she’d ended up while she was lost in her thoughts, she found that she had somehow made it to Connemara’s. She twisted her wrist to check the time on her watch and figured that Jingle might be inside, doing paperwork or getting the place ready for tonight, so she placed a hand on the door and pushed her way inside.

The bells above the door chimed as she walked in, the sound all light and pretty and so unlike how she was feeling at the moment. Just as she was sliding herself up onto a barstool at the counter, Jingle’s orange head of hair appeared as she peered out from the corner to see who had just entered her bar, even though it was clearly closed.

“Oh, Mona,” she got out once she’d realized it was her. She rounded the counter to lock the front door and then made her way back to stand in front of her. “What a surprise.”

Though in Jingle’s perpetually monotone voice, it didn’t really sound like she was surprised at all.

Mona shrugged, at a loss for what to say. “Just stopping by to say hello,” was what she managed to come up with.

In hindsight, she realized that she probably only walked into Connemara’s that day because she knew Jingle, like Zayn, wouldn’t be afraid to call her out on her bullshit. So Mona wasn’t surprised when she scoffed, sending her a wry look through her orange bangs as she made herself comfortable on the high stool behind the counter. “Yeah, you know I don’t believe that so why don’t we just cut to the part where you tell me why you’re upset.”

Mona frowned, unable to keep her lips from wobbling. Even verbalizing it into words seemed painful beyond belief. “Can I have a drink first?” she mumbled into her hand as she slumped into the counter.

Jingle watched her warily, mimicking her pose. “Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you first and then I’ll see if you deserve a drink.”

This time Mona was the one sending Jingle a look. She hated that everyone knew her so well. After a brief silence, where they both simply stared at one another, willing the other to break down, Mona was the one to sigh through it. Clearly, Jingle wasn’t going to budge. “I basically just broke up with Niall,” was what came out of Mona’s mouth. Obviously, Jingle knew they weren’t together, but that was sure as hell what it felt like, a messy breakup. “A best friend breakup.”

Mona didn’t have to look up to know Jingle was glaring at her. “Now why the hell would you do that? That was dumb.”

Mona groaned, burying her face into the curve of her elbow as she crossed her arms together on the counter. “I didn’t come here to be insulted, Jingle.”

Maybe it was the way her voice came out, all shaky and muffled, but Jingle placed a gentle hand on her arm, coaxing her up. “You know I’d never be anything but honest with you.” Mona looked up to see a rare look of what she could only describe as protective and understanding dawn on Jingle’s face. “So I mean it with love when I say that you’re a fucking dumbass.” Mona rolled her eyes, slumping into her hands again. “C’mon. Tell me what happened.”

So she did. Mona spilled her heart out to Jingle in a way she hadn’t done with anyone else. She described in detail the morning she’d had and why she did what she did, even explaining her deepest emotions and how conflicted she felt over them because of the mixed signals she was receiving from Niall. When she was done, big fat tears were rolling down her face, a pile of tissues overflowing in a bin near her feet, and Jingle slid her a rum and coke for her efforts.

She didn’t know why it was so easy to talk to Jingle. Perhaps it was because she knew that there would be no judgement, that whatever Jingle thought, she’d say it right away. It also helped that she was a good listener, allowing Mona to pour her feelings out onto her bar counter without saying a word.

“You know,” Jingle got out once Mona had downed half of her drink and sapped away all of the lingering tears with a tissue. She seemed lost in thought, stirring her own drink with a straw. “I don’t really know what to say to you,” she said honestly, but really, Mona didn’t mind. She didn’t come here for advice. She just needed someone to talk to. Someone with an unbiased opinion. “Obviously you’re both being stupid in this situation, and I agree that the signals he’s sending you are a little weird, but, I don’t know. I really don’t.”

There was silence for a while, save for Mona sniffling occasionally. She once again thought of Niall’s last words to her on the phone earlier: If you’re not there by half past five, I’ll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I’ll leave you alone. For good.

The ‘for good’ was blinking like strobe lights in her brain. She had wanted this to be as painless as possible. But could that even have happened when their lives were so intertwined as they were?

Finally, Jingle was breaking the silence. “So where did he say he wanted you to meet him again? Are you gonna go?”

“I don’t know,” she huffed. “He just said ‘the place where it all began.’ I don’t even know what that—” But then her thoughts started to run wild. He obviously couldn’t have meant the cabin because that was too far away. But then she realized that he must have been talking about the night she first kissed him. That was when things started to build between them, when dormant feelings started to grow in her chest and she started to notice him more. And that happened at… “The Empire State Building,” she said aloud, her voice a whisper.  

Jingle huffed out a laugh. When Mona looked up at her, her eyes were twinkling, a soft smile on her face. “Well what are you waiting for then?” She gave her an urgent look. “Go and get your boy!”

But Mona simply shook her head. There was something keeping her on this barstool, and as she mulled on it, she realized that it was Cleo. And not only Cleo, it was doubt. She just didn’t believe Niall needed to be with her. She still thought he would be happier with someone like Cleo. Someone with no baggage. “Jingle,” she sighed, “I’m not the one he should be with.” She ignored the resulting groan she received. “You haven’t seen the way he looks at Cleo.”

Jingle rolled her eyes. “No, I haven’t. But I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” When Mona looked up again, Jingle was leaning over the counter, eyes blazing. “Now you listen to me, Mona Shaw. You better get your ass out of my bar and go to Empire State to tell that boy how you feel.” She reached out to place a hand over Mona’s, voice going soft. “Because I promise you, you won’t be disappointed.”

Mona sucked in a breath, willing herself not to cry again. “But—”

Jingle wasn’t having any of it. “You two are made for each other.” She paused, as if turning over her words carefully in her head, and then after a moment, she sighed. “Okay, listen,” she shuffled closer to the counter on her stool, leaning over the counter as if she were telling Mona a secret, despite the fact they were the only two people in the place. When she spoke again, her voice was low and measured. “I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told him one day, when he was in here, on the same stool you’re sitting on right now, with the same look on his face.” Mona didn’t know why, but something about that startled her. “People who are just friends don’t look at each other the way you two do.”

Mona’s mind ran wild. Jingle had this conversation with Niall? When? Why?

If Jingle noticed her shock, she didn’t say anything. Instead, she trudged on. “You two are so lucky to have each other. And I really mean that sincerely.” Mona knew she was telling the truth, because Jingle was looking at her imploringly, her eyes widened in such intense emotion and honesty that Mona felt all the wind get knocked out of her. Because Jingle Connemara was giving her a reality check. One that she didn’t even know she needed. “The way you two look at each other?” she huffed out a laugh, eyes glazed over as she thought of a distant memory, “Reminds me of my parents. And they were in love. This crazy, blinding, passionate, but understanding kind of love. When I was younger, I used to wish I could find a love like they had.”

There was this soft smile on Jingle’s face, and it made her look years younger. So much younger that Mona could imagine her as a small child, without the orange hair and the tattoos and the piercings. She could imagine her smiling and laughing with her parents, having a happy, perfect life. Mona knew that Jingle’s mother had passed away years ago, and that it had been hard on Mr. Connemara. But this new insight into her life had her reeling.

Jingle seemed to catch herself, and when she looked at Mona this time, she was resigned. “What you and Niall have? That’s so special. Please don’t throw that away. You guys make each other better. I mean, can you honestly sit here and say you’re the same person as you were before you met him?” The truth behind Jingle’s words washed over her. Both Mona and Niall were completely different people now compared to a year ago. But was it because of each other? “Because I can tell you that you have completely changed. For the better. Well…minus the last three months or so because then you started to overthink everything.” Mona huffed, and Jingle sent her a look that shut her up again. “You know that you love him, and I’m telling you that he has feelings for you too, though what they are, that’s up to him to tell you. So what exactly is stopping you? Why are you here and not at Empire State where he’s waiting for you?”

Mona took a deep breath, letting out a shuddery exhale. How could she explain to Jingle what she couldn’t even explain to herself? How could she explain to Jingle and Harlow and Zayn and Harry and Liam and Niall—sweet wonderful Niall—that everything she loves somehow gets destroyed?

There was a tear in Jingle’s eyes, and the sight of it had Mona’s lips wobbling again. “Listen to me Mona,” Jingle got out, squeezing her hands, her voice wavering. “If you don’t get the hell out of my bar and catch that train to Empire State right this moment, I am going to fire you.” Mona startled at that, and it was so unexpected and so unironically Jingle that she just couldn’t help but laugh. Jingle chuckled too, and she rounded the counter to press her hands to Mona’s shoulders, gently shoving her in the direction of the door. “You laugh but I mean it! I will fire you! I’m not going to just sit around and watch you ruin the chances of the couple I’ve been silently rooting for for the past year.”

Mona giggled. Her mind suddenly seemed clear with conviction. “Okay, okay, I’m going!” She let Jingle push her all the way to the doorframe before she turned around, brows waggling as she remembered something she’d been wanting to say to her for a while. “By the way…I know about you and Harry.”

Jingle looked stunned for a moment before she started to laugh. Like, really laugh, in a way Mona had never seen before. It was honestly a sight. Her face lit up, orange hair seemingly glowing, and Mona almost wished she’d do that more often. Jingle whipped a hand towel against Mona’s behind, laughing again at the way Mona yelped out the door. “Get the hell out of here, Mona Shaw! Go get your boy!”

And then, for the second time that day, Mona was running. But she was also laughing and breathing easily, hurrying down the streets to get to the subway entrance.

She was going to go get her sunshine boy.

~

4:45 PM.

Mona’s heart was beginning to race. How did time get so far ahead of her?

The trains were experiencing delays, and she was suddenly reminded of how much she loathed public transportation in the city.

She tried texting Niall so he wouldn’t think that she was standing him up, but she didn’t have any signal underground, and she didn’t dare try to run upstairs to get service in case she missed the train. So, she was stuck, anxiously waiting for the train while silently hoping that she’d get to Niall in time.

She found an empty space on a bench and sat, trying to keep her breathing nice and calm. The last thing she wanted was to freak out on the subway. She closed her eyes and counted to ten in her head, timing her breaths to the numbers. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Niall’s words were running on loop in her head and it was driving her insane. “If you’re not there by half past five, I’ll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I’ll leave you alone. For good.”

She glanced at her phone, feeling jittery. 5:00 PM.

Damnit!, she thought to herself, fingers trembling. She didn’t know how the hell she was going to get there in half an hour. She was beginning to brainstorm alternative options when, finally, the train arrived. A sigh of relief left her lips as she hurried into a crowded car.

As the train started to move, she closed her eyes again, starting her counts and breathing accordingly. It’ll all be fine, she tried to tell herself. But her reassurances did little to slow her heartbeats. A terrible feeling started to creep up her windpipes that, for the life of her, she couldn’t shake. She refused to let the negative thoughts cross her mind, hoping with every ounce of her heart that she got there on time.

Niall’s voice echoing ‘for good’ was ringing in her ears and she nearly pressed her hands against the sides of her head to will it to stop. But she caught herself. She couldn’t have a breakdown in the middle of a crowded train, she just couldn’t. That would be a new low, even for her.

By some stroke of luck, the train was at Mona’s stop and she bounded out, glancing at her phone as she exited the subway and made her way to the stairs. 5:20 PM.

She bolted her way up the stairs, not allowing herself to stop, even for a breath. There was still time. There was still hope.

She got all the way up the stairs only for a security guard to stop her, telling her that they were closing off that particular exit due to construction and she’d have to take the other stairwell. Mona groaned, not even bothering to give him a piece of her mind—why the hell didn’t they close off the stairs at the bottom then!—because she needed to go and she was running out of time.

Her fingers desperately clutched her phone, flashing the screen on again as she ran up the other set of stairs. 5:23 PM. She was starting to go crazy.

By the time she made it above ground, she realized it was raining. She didn’t have a hood or an umbrella, but she didn’t care, instead running through the block towards the entrance to the observatory deck. She was running out of time. She was starting to feel Niall slipping through her fingers.

When she finally, finally, got there—5:27 PM—she was being stopped by yet another guard. “I’m sorry, miss, but the observatory deck is closed today.”

“Closed?” she echoed breathlessly. She didn’t wait for him to answer before she was spinning around again, frustratedly running her fingers through her hair which had somehow come undone on her journey. There had to be some mistake. Where did Niall want to meet her then?

Panic was beginning to flare up inside her. She knew for a fact this was the place Niall had meant for her to end up, could feel it in her bones that he was around here somewhere. But where?

5:30 PM. And then the light of the screen of her phone flickered out, the battery drained.

She nearly threw it into the street in her frustration. Her luck was absolute shit today. How on earth was she going to contact Niall now. From the corner of her eye, she spotted a pair of pay phones. One looked as if it were damaged, but the other looked perfectly fine. She dug into the pockets of her jeans and her fingers closed around a few bits of change.

A tiny flicker of hope sparked within her again and she ran towards the pay phone. She was nearly there when she saw him, that familiar head of blond, nearly brown, hair, glasses perched on his nose. “Niall!” she called out, feet immediately taking her towards him. It was pouring now, raindrops seeping into her clothes and drenching her. She wiped away the water from her eyes and continued to run.

He was getting into a cab. No, she thought desperately. Please see me. Please notice me.

“Niall!” she called again, screaming this time. There was a fire burning up her throat, the fear threatening to paralyze her. But still, she continued to run. He couldn’t see her, nor could he hear her, the hustle and bustle of the area blaring all around them. Cars and trucks were honking. Somewhere, a fire truck’s sirens were wailing. Her sunshine boy was slipping away.

She called his name again and again and again but he had already gotten into the cab and it was pulling away from the curb. It felt like she was in a nightmare, but the pain from the stich in her side that she’d gotten from running was telling her that this was very much real life. “No,” she whimpered as the cab weaved through the traffic and drove off, away and out of sight. No.

But she had to face the facts. As her chest burned and the rain soaked her skin, she realized something that would probably haunt her for the rest of her life:

She was too late.

~

Mona didn’t realize she’d gotten back to her apartment complex until she was pressing the button for the elevator.

She felt numb, going through the motions in a daze. Her skin was soaked through from the rain and she was shivering, but none of that seemed to matter.

If you’re not there by half past five, I’ll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I’ll leave you alone. For good.

She was too late. Niall was going to leave her alone. For good.

She didn’t even know how she was breathing through the absolute agony in her chest. Her clothes were dripping onto the floors of the elevator car, and the sound of it was probably the only thing keeping her tethered to reality. As she listened to the methodical drip, drip, drip of the water, all she could think about was Niall and his bright blue eyes and his dazzling smile and how she probably broke his heart today.

When she got to her floor, she headed straight for his apartment, wondering if he made it home. Perhaps he would forget about ‘for good’ and let her explain why she was late and that she nearly caught him before he hurried into his cab. Perhaps he would give her a chance.

No such luck though. Because the person opening the door was not Niall, it was Liam.

Mona would have preferred it if Liam had yelled at her, if he was angry at her, if he insulted her for breaking Niall’s heart. Instead, those big brown eyes reflected utter disappointment, and that hurt her more than anything else.

“Niall?” she asked, voice hoarse. She had wanted to cry but no more tears would come out. Even her body was disappointed in her.

Liam simply shook his head. Now, his expression was drawn in pity. There was something about it that had her swaying on her feet, feeling slightly faint. “I’m really sorry, Mo,” he said quietly, and he sounded so sad. “He said he wanted to be left alone.”

She nodded numbly at him, too shocked from the day’s events to manage anything else, and she turned around to make her way into her own apartment.

“Mo?” Liam was calling out to her, but she didn’t have the energy to face him. Instead, he came to her, standing in front of her. A list of things he could’ve said crossed her mind. You really fucked up, Mo, or I expected better from you, Mo or You don’t deserve him, Mo. But he said none of those things. Instead, he gathered her to his chest, arms tightening around her in one of his warm, strong hugs, and he said, “It’s all going to be okay, Mo.”

She nodded silently against his chest.

She really hoped he was right.

[fantasticworksandwheretofindthem]

Baby Troubles

Summary: [Name] seeks out advice from Tom without giving him all the details of the problem.

Notes: mentions of abortion, slight smut, assumed masterbation

Prompt: “Does he know about the baby?”

It was a nice Saturday morning. The sun was smiling down on all the blooming flowers, and the birds were singing their happy little songs. Dogs were barking cheerfully, and cats were napping peacefully as always.

Wrong. All of that was so wrong. This was Georgia we’re talking about, for Christ’s sake. The sun was blazing hot, almost as if he found satisfaction in ruining people’s makeup and hair with the sweat and humidity. Nature’s songs were just a less violent way for male birds to tell other males, “Back off, this bitch is mine.” The dogs in the neighborhood were barking, just not cheerfully. They were either chasing the cars that passed by every few seconds on their way to work, scratching the front door and whining to be let in, or they were growling at the cats who were supposed to be sleeping.

Of course, this was the norm for you. You were used to Southern life. You were raised here [ignore this if you’d rather not prefer this] and you’d worked here for God knows how long. This was a typical Saturday, you thought as you hopped in your car and drove to Starbucks. You ordered the usual for yourself and Alaysia. After paying, you resumed your journey and stopped by the dollar store, picking up every flavor of Ben & Jerry’s in stock, double-stuffed Oreos, and a ton of sour candies.

“Tough breakup?” the cashier asked with an apologetic smile as you went to checkout.

You smiled sadly at the college-looking brunette. “My best friend’s having a tough time. Neither of them wanted it.”

She nodded sympathetically. “I figured it was somethin’ like that, since you’re the one buyin’ everything. Last serious breakup I had, I refused to leave my bed for a month.”

“Sounds about like my best friend.” You paid and grabbed the bag.

“I hope she feels better soon.”

“Thank you.” It was instances like this that kept your faith in humanity intact.

You continued on your way to Alaysia’s house. You two had a whole comfort day planned. She and Harrison had just broken up about two weeks ago, so the day was going to be filled with junk food, sappy movies, and soppy, tear-soaked cuddles. You would’ve scheduled this day earlier, but she had shut herself away from everything, even working from home after she talked herself out of taking more sick days.

“Honey, I’m home!” you called after you expertly opened the door while holding the drinks between your arm and waist while the Dollar General bag rested on your forearm.

Suzie, your best friend’s fourteen-year-old mutt, waddled her way to the living room as quickly as she could to greet you. Judging by the loud thud prior to her entrance and the way she was limping, you assumed the near-blind dog had fallen off the bed in her excited stupor and rushed attempt to see you.

“Hi, sweetie.” You bent down and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead before she licked your cheek (to which you grimaced in disgust) and led you to your best friend’s room.

“Alaysia?” you called, setting the drinks on the nightstand and the bag on the bed when you didn’t see your best friend. “Where are you?”

You heard sobs and sniffles coming from the bathroom, so you made your way there. To say you were shocked at the scene would be an understatement. There were about four or five pregnancy tests lying on the wooden floor all around Alaysia, and she had another in her hand, just staring at it as she bawled. You stood, frozen as if you had looked into Medusa’s eyes, until your body kicked into Best Friend Mode, where you tore your feet from the ground and hurried to her, dropping down beside her. You pulled her into a hug, rubbing her shoulder and arm while she soaked the front of your (Tom’s) T-shirt with salty tears and snot. Any other time, you would have asked her to explain what happened, but in this case, it was pretty obvious. While you didn’t know all of the details, you had taken Sex Ed in school.

After what felt like a decade, which was really probably a half hour, Alaysia seemed to not have any more tears left in her (for now). She pulled away, wiping away her tears.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered. Your smartass self wanted to say that Trump had also won the presidential election, but you figured it would be best to bite it back.

Instead, you opted out for, “When did you realize?”

“My lady week was late,” she said quietly, almost as in a daze, like she couldn’t believe this was happening. In all honesty, she probably couldn’t. “And not by just a few days, but a whole week. So I got worried, and I got Blythe to buy me a few. The first one was positive, but then the second was negative, so she bought some more.”

“Wait, where is she now?” You hadn’t remembered seeing her little, green Bug in the driveway.

“She went to her house to get her I Love Lucy collection.”

Alaysia loved I Love Lucy. It was always nice to know that when you weren’t here for your best friend, her older sister was.

“Does he know about the baby?” You asked tentatively.

“Harrison?” she sniffled and wiped her nose with the long sleeve of her Marvel shirt, which you recognized now was Harrison’s. “No. You and Blythe are the only ones I’ve told.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know!” Alaysia exclaimed, suddenly very snappy. Wow, these mood swings were coming quickly. “It’s not like I have many options. I’m not gonna sentence this poor, innocent thing to a horrible life of bouncing around in the foster care system because no one deserves that, but I can’t give up Ireland! I can’t stay here, I won’t. This is a huge deal for me!”

Alaysia had pretty much had her life planned out since she was sixteen. Having a kid before marriage and right as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity came up for her was not anywhere in the agenda.

“You could always –”

“If you say abortion, I swear to freakin’ Athena, [Name]! I may be pregnant, but I am not afraid to kick your ass!”

You held your hands up in defense. “I wasn’t going to say that, I swear!”Alaysia was very pro-choice, but you knew abortion would never be a choice she herself would make. She’d rather die than kill a baby who hadn’t even gotten a chance to prove itself yet.

“Oh,” your best friend said, her anger visibly seeping away. “What were you gonna say?”

“You could have the baby and let Harrison raise it,” you said quietly.

“I can’t dump this much responsibility on him,” she pouted. You suppressed a sigh. She was making this so much more difficult. “This is a baby. It’s a whole lifetime.”

“Okay, well, let’s take a breather,” you suggested. “When are you gonna tell people?”

She shrugged. “I was kinda hoping I could keep this to myself until I know exactly what to do.”

You suppressed another sigh. You heard the door open and close, followed by Suzie’s slow, heavy feet hitting the floor. “Well, let’s watch I Love Lucy and get fat on ice cream and candy.”

–

It had been a week since you had gone over to Alaysia’s house. She had still not told anyone else, and she and Harrison were still in their own heartbroken stupors. No one had caught on to her secret yet, dismissing her increasing mood swings as a result of the breakup and stress of leaving the place she’d always known to live in a foreign place that she’d never even visited.

Tom was home for the weekend. Monday he’d have to leave and continue the promotional tours for the new Marvel movies. You were currently curled up on the couch, reading Simon vs. the Homosapien’s Agenda when he crawled over to you, peppering your stomach with soft, lingering kisses. His lips began to trail up to your collarbone, but you pushed him away.

Pouting, he pulled away and sat back on his legs. “What’s wrong, love?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Eggsy.” You peered over your book at him, giving him a forced smile. Truthfully, you weren’t even paying attention to the words on the page. You were just so stressed about Alaysia that your mind would literally not let you think about anything else. It had been the main reason you’d buried yourself at work and hadn’t left the office until after ten at night. (That, and because you missed Tom and didn’t like to stay at your shared home alone any more than you had to.)

“That’s a lie, and you and I both know it.” Tom plucked the book from your hands, dog-earing the page he suspected you were on (which he was wrong; he folded the left one when you were on the right one) before tossing it on the coffee table and looking back down at you. “Ever since I got in Friday, you’ve barely said two sentences to me, and have given me even less physical action. So either you’re cheating on me, you want to break up and don’t want to tell me, or something else entirely is stressing you out.”

“Cheating and breaking up are, like, the top of the list of things that I never wanna do.” You tugged on his sweatpants to pull him downwards, pressing your lips to his to assure him. Part of your plan was to distract him so he wouldn’t keep asking you questions about what was bothering you. So far, your plan was working as Tom had now removed his lips from yours and was attacking your neck with his tongue and teeth. He began tugging down your plaid pajama shorts when suddenly he stopped and pulled away.

You stuck your bottom lip out in a pout and whined, trying to pull Tom back, but he stayed sitting up, seemingly regretfully and with all the strength he could muster. “No. Tell me what’s wrong.”

You sighed and pushed yourself up into a sitting position, crossing your legs applesauce style. Part of you hated Tom for not letting the two of you get started, but the rest of you loved him for wanting to get through the problem first.

“I need some advice,” you said, trying to think about how to word this dilemma. “This girl I know.. She and her boyfriend got a little careless, and she got pregnant.”

“Am I allowed to ask who the girl is?” Tom asked, to which you shook your head. “Worth a shot. Alright, continue.”

“Well, she doesn’t want the baby, but she refuses to put it up for adoption, and it would kill her if she had an abortion.” You bit your lip, fiddling with the strings of your shorts.

“Has she told her boyfriend?” Tom asked. When you shook your head, he asked why.

“She found out after they broke up.” Tom made an ‘Oh’ sound, and you nodded your head, your lips pressed together tightly. “And she doesn’t wanna put all the responsibility of the baby on the guy because she thinks it wouldn’t be fair.”

“Well, yeah, it wouldn’t,” Tom said.

“So what should she do?” The more you left out names, the more you were worried Tom would think you were talking about yourself.

“You said they’re broken up, right? As of right now, they’re no longer together?” You got the feeling your worries had some truth behind them based on Tom’s questions and slightly panicked expression.

“Yes, they’re already broken up,” you repeated. “They’ve been broken up for a while now.”

“The first thing she needs to do is tell the guy,” Tom answered, visibly more relaxed than before. “Then they both need to talk with both of their families, instead of stressing out my poor love bug.”

Tom ‘booped’ your nose, and you giggled. “Thank you.”

“Now let’s say you and me practice havin’ a baby of our own, eh?” He cocked a smirk and leaned in to finish what you two had started earlier, but you quickly shut that down.

“Later, babe, I promise,” you said as you pecked his cheek and hopped off the couch like a box spring. “I have to go give your awesome advice to someone who desperately needs it.”

And with that, Tom was left all by his lonesome, with only himself to take care of his needs. ;)

[likeabulletyoucanhurtme]

Do you put sugar on your Coco Krispies? No, but definitely on corn flakes, they're bland postkellogsgeneralmillsitsthecerealwar

If you had a pet anteater, what would you name it? Antubis, obviously

Do you prefer house phones or cell phones? I do not have a house phone. But tbh I hate talking on any phone and prefer using messenger

Don’t you just love it when guys sing to you? Only if they're on stage and holding a microphone and in a band

Are your nails long or short? Long enough to paint :)

Do you ever wear headbands? Nah.

Ever taken dance lessons? I don't dance, I headbang

What does your hair look like right now? increasingly greying

What is your favorite show to watch on Food Network? I don't watch anything on the food network

What type of mp3 player do you have? iTunes on my laptop but transportable music I've put on my phone

What is your favorite kind of cookie? Millies <3

What was the last compliment you received? Someone just messaged me saying "smile you are a very funny man" but its our first convo, I know they'll get bored of me eventually

What are your thoughts on destroying rainforests? It was the start of the end of our species and the only good thing is that when we are gone they will grow back :)

Are you a bookworm? Most definitley. If it wasn't for goodreads I'd forget everything

What did you have for dinner yesterday? mini sausage rolls and onion rings at dinner time, but then I also had salt and chili chickenballs at half 12

Who was the fifth person to call you today? No one has called me today. And I doubt five different people have ever tired to call me in the one day

Pick up a book. Open it to page 89. What does the first sentence say? "Always wanted one of those."

Can you play the saxophone? About as well as Homer Simpson can sax-i-ma-phonesax-i-ma-phone

Have you ever heard the song Can’t Be Saved, by Senses Fail? I have not, no but I'll add it to my list. Love their cover of institutionalised tho :) theysaytheyregonnafixmybrainalleviatemysufferingandpainbutbythetimetheyfixmyheadmentallyillbedead

What colour carpet is in your living room? Some kinda weird browny grey bland thing idk it was here when we moved in andnothecarpetdoesntmatchthedrapes

Ever eaten an entire can of whipped cream in one sitting? No I have not, and now I am wondering why I have never tried this. I think I could.

Do you like sunglasses? Not particularly no

Have you ever been sung to on your birthday in a restaurant? No I have not. And my life has been immeasurably better as a result. I'd probably leave or go to the toilet and hide for ten minutes

Do you have any gray hairs? More and more each day

Do you like black olives? I don’t like any olives

Do you own a pair of toe socks? I think I did and they were rainbow patterened but I don't know where they are I've not worn them for a while :(

How about a designer purse? No. Or a man bag either

What kind of camera do you have? Haweewee cameraphone

Do you love pancakes? They’re okay, but tbh when I was in florida I had them everyday for breakfast.

What about chips and dip? Not a big fan of dips. Or sauce either. Salt and chili seasoning tho mmmh iknowthiswasreallyaskingaboutcrispsbutimnotamericanalsoidontlikecrispswithdipeither

Did I get you hungry? Nope

What time is it? 22.14

Have you ever lived with a friend? Nah. A fiance and a baby mama but not a friend

What are a few of your favorite TV shows? I watch too much to have a favourite. Like my TV Time app says I've watched over 11 months of tele so how can I have favourites

What kind of socks do you like to wear? Knee high stripey socks are always the favourite, right now I have Iron Man ones though

Ever wear lipstick? At Halloween yes but not normally.

Do you have your own house key, and how often do you actually use it? I do, but we never really lock the door cause someones normally in

How often do you eat chocolate? Not that often, but I don't eat chocolate because I don't buy chocolate. If I ever have any its gone in minutes galaxycaramelislife

Have you ever only liked someone because you found out they liked you? My type has always been people that are into me first. I did ask someone out in high school but they nicely rejected me and I've decided that obviously I can't read signs and so will wait for you to show your intrest

Ever baked a pie? Never

How often do you wash dishes at your house? Once a week maybe? We have a lot of dishes so we don't need to do them everyday

Does spell-check on Word or Mac computers ever annoy you when it underlines the word? I turn it off for this exact reason

Do you know what time you were born, and what day of the week it was? 1.11am and it was a Saturday

What colors of nail polish do you like best? Black, obvii. I do also have a metallic purple though madgoffff

Like to take pictures on the Photobooth program on Macs? I don't like macs. And I don't think thats a thing anymore

What is a recurring thought on your mind today? Ow my ear is so sore ffs of all the places to get a cut/scab/spot the inside of my ear has to be one of the worst

Have you had any confrontations with anyone lately? nope. Probably building up to one

What was the last charity you donated to? I did the ice bucket challenge 6 years ago and donated to that charity

Would you say you have an infectious laugh? Not at all no

Shouldn’t you be doing something else right now? I should be sleeping or doing something productive

Do you have anything planned for the summer? I have gigs that were rescheduled to summer but will probably fail due to the 'rona isweartogodgreendaythisisthethirdtime

Are there any mountains nearby where you live? Nope wayuptonthemountainiseedownbelowlifecanbesuchagreatshow

Did you like to collect frogspawn as a kid? No I did not. That's a very American, and also very weird thing to do

Do you walk fast or slow? Fast. Like 8.47minutes/km on average this month, which is basically 4.4mph

Do you keep birthday cards or throw them out? I throw them out tbh

Does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane? Nope. Boredom is an old acquaintance of mine alsoyoucantdrivemeinsanewhenimalreadythere

Do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things? Nah I just keep it in my phone, and then forget to look there

Are you easy to talk to? I can be but I'm not very approachable in the first place so most don't bother to try

Can you juggle with more than two items? I can't even juggle with two items

At airports do you ever worry your luggage won’t arrive? I've not been in an airport in 20yrs so not really

Do your parents ever call you ‘pet’ or ‘sweetheart’ etc? No, that would be weird

Do you like jalapenos? Not really. I ate like 5 of them in pizza hut in 2005 before they were big and they made me throw up

What other windows have you currently got opened? Facebook

What woke you up this morning? I woke myself up

Would you ever consider visiting Ireland? Maybe. I'd visit someone but that's too much effort for what would end up being an awkward walk around town again

Would you like to visit Venice? I would. Idk what id do there but it might be nice. Probably go on a gondola like a right tourist and then sit in my room the rest of the time

What is the largest body of water near your hometown? They clyde, but not like a major part of it just a small bit

Do you have any flags in your house? Nope

Are there any ‘Keep Off the Grass’ signs where you live? No, thank god

[dontshootmespence]

This Is It

A/N: A request from @bookofreid (holy fuck, don’t tell B I’m nervous, shh...) for a Spencer x Reader where the two have an on/off relationship for no other reason than their jobs are both hectic. One day, Spencer comes home to find her at his apartment with some news. @coveofmemories @sexualemobitch @jamiemelyn @unstoppableangel8

Warnings: Smut (ish) in the middle, sandwiched by angst and fluff. It’s a bit of a clusterfuck really. 

                                                              ----

What were you two? Friends? Lovers? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Friends with benefits? Two people with demanding jobs who wanted to have their cake and eat it too? Yea, that was probably the one.

As a child, you’d been fortunate enough to travel with your parents. Before you were 15, you’d been to Ireland, Scotland, England, Germany, Austria, the Czech Republic and Poland. Your thirst for travel was overwhelming. At 18, you got a tattoo - a very simple one - the word GO, with the ‘O’ being a picture of a globe.  

There were two things you wanted more than anything in the world. Given you closeness with your family, one of those things was having a family of your own. The other one, and to be honest, the bigger one at the age of 18, was to create a career for yourself out of traveling. Though it required some start-up money from your parents (to you know, travel), you’d done exactly that. For the past ten years, you’d travelled and written about it - a travel journalist. Freelance of course - you made your own rules. You were the luckiest woman in the world if you did say so yourself.

On top of a brilliant career, you had a sweet and sexy boyfriend named Spencer Reid. That was the problem though. You had no idea what you were to each other. Over the past few months especially, you’d come to the conclusion that you were two people who wanted to have their cake and eat it too. That made things very difficult because although you both wanted each other, you both wanted your jobs too.

The other big problem? You loved the tall, beautiful genius. It was because of that that you figured it might be best to let him go - find someone he loved that had a more rooted job so that he could have someone to love him like you did with a job that allowed them to show it more often. He was feeling it too; you could tell deep down that he was thinking the same thing but didn’t want to say anything, because he loved you too.

“Hey, Spence,” you said after being let into his apartment. You stumbled into him, tired from your flight back from Peru and crashed your lips into his. For a few moments, you kissed in the center of his living room, all soft lips and smooth skin, and then both of your faces fell. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” he said. His breath skirted over your ear as you swayed back and forth. “I’ve been thinking...”

“Me too.”

You pulled back slightly and leaned your forehead against his. His lip started to quiver as the tears stung at both your eyes. “This is happening, isn’t it?” you asked. You’d thought about it yourself, but actually being in the moment hurt more than you thought. “Why did we have to find each other under this set of circumstances?”

“I don’t know,” he said, his voice cracking at the thought of you walking out of his apartment never to be seen again. “I wish we’d met under different circumstances.”

You whispered your response into his lips as you continued to sway back and forth in his apartment. “You’re home tonight,” he said. “So will you stay tonight?”

One last night with the man you loved and couldn’t have. It was probably a mistake, but the reply fell off your lips before you could stop it. “Of course.”

No more words were spoken as you stumbled your way back into his bedroom, limbs flying as your clothes were shed. The last time would be a a blur of tears and limbs, his hands entangling in yours as he raked his lips down the slopes of your skin one last time. 

Free of the material that bound you both, Spencer lowered you to the bed. He was taking it painstakingly slow, kissing every inch of your skin, memorizing every dip and curve - as if it would be the last time - because it was. Through tears, you could see his own drop onto your skin, but when he came up to meet your gaze, you wiped his tears away and sighed as he filled you one last time.

                                                             ----

The next morning you left him with a kiss on the forehead as he slept and a note at his bedside. You told him you loved him and wanted the very best. You hoped he’d find someone who loved him like you did but would have the ability to show it more often than you could. If you’d stayed until he woke up, you knew you would see the longing in his eyes, because you felt it too. But neither of you could continue on like that, so you left before he could try and convince you.

The only thing that was keeping you at all grounded was the fact that soon you’d be in the air, a world away, for a three-month trek around Australia. You had a lot to do, a lot to see, and even more to write, but it would keep you employed and travel-happy for nearly a half a year (three months of trekking and three of writing articles for various employers).

                                                            ----

Three straight months abroad had been a godsend in getting over Spencer. Not that you were over him - not by a long shot, but it kept you busy and mingling with people halfway across the world for three months. 

You’d stayed in the cheapest hotels possible, only staying in luxury hotels when certain employers paid you because they wanted you to review them. Otherwise, you barely stayed in the same place for more than two or three days at a time, exploring everything from the Sydney Opera House to the Royal Botanical Gardens to the Great Barrier Reef to numerous museums and the beaches of the Sunshine Coast. You were getting paid to relax. What could possibly have been better? You were sitting on beaches, eating great food, you were in great health...you hadn’t had cramps. In three months. You hadn’t had your period in three months. 

In a panic, you headed to a convenience store to buy a pregnancy test. You sat in your room, peeing on every stick imaginable. Five in all. Each one showing a big, fat plus sign.

Your heart began to race. Oh my god. You were pregnant and there was no other possible father but Spencer. This is why you’d broken up! Because doing this to each other was bad enough, but a child - that was just cruel.

Sitting on the bed in your final hotel of the last three months, you clutched at your stomach and started to cry. You knew yourself. You couldn’t get rid of this baby. This was a piece of you - and Spencer. Your entire life was going to change, but would Spencer want to change his? Or would he retreat further into his work with the Bureau?

                                                           ----

The past three months of Spencer’s life had been hell. He hadn’t realized how in love with Y/N he was until all that was left of her was a note. “Still?” JJ asked as he walked in that morning. 

“It’s on and off, JJ. Sometimes I can sleep, but normally only when I’m so exhausted at my brain running over her words again and again. Did we make a mistake?”

JJ shrugged, sitting at her friend’s side and hesitating. “I don’t know, Spence. I know that relationships are hard. Will and I work at ours every day, and your job and her job are even more hectic than Will and mine, but it boils down to whether you want to work to keep her in your life, whether you both want to. You both have to want it for it to work.”

Spencer swallowed hard, wondering where she was right now. He missed her. He missed the smell of her skin on his sheets. He missed her laugh. Her smile was no longer there to brighten his day, whether in person or through a picture over the phone. You just disappeared. He did want you. He wanted to work at it. Pulling out his phone, he shot her a text message. “Call me when you get back from Australia.”

                                                          ----

Spencer had messaged you. He wanted to see you. There was a big possibility he was going to regret that when you walked up to his door. But you had too. Although it would be easier on you, you couldn’t possibly go on with this pregnancy without telling Spencer that he was going to be a father; he had a right to know.

“Got back yesterday?” You texted. “Meet at 8? Your place?”

He got back to you almost immediately. “Sounds good. See you then.”

You wasted away the hours between the text and your meeting pacing around your own apartment and panicking. Having already set up an appointment with your OB, there was nothing else you could do to pass the time, but finally it came, and you drove over to Spencer’s apartment with your heart in your throat. 

When you approached the door to knock, you felt like you wanted to vomit. Was that nerves, or possibly night-sickness instead of morning sickness? All you knew was you wanted to spew chunks - not to get graphic or anything. “Hey, Spence.”

“Y/N,” he said. The smile that spread across his face was like a flower, blooming proudly in spring. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” you replied, breathlessly. You started to cry, not knowing what to say, how to say it or if to say it. “Spence, I...I need to tell you something.”

“Me too,” he started.

You had to get it out, so you stopped him, pressing your finger to his lips. “I need to go first. I’m pregnant, Spence, and the baby is yours.” His face dropped and the tears started to flow. “I know myself. I can’t get rid of this baby. It’s not the right time, but I want to keep it. Your job is crazy hectic and dangerous and if you don’t want anything to do with me or this baby anymore I will understand, but I thought you had a right to know.” Quickly, you pulled back the flap of your messenger bag and handed him a positive pregnancy test. “I’m having this baby, Spence. The ball is in your court.”

Before he could say another word, you turned around and began to walk down the stairs. He was frozen in place, but when she started to leave he called her name. “Y/N, come back!” he said frantically, running down the stairs behind her. “You’re pregnant? We’re gonna be parents?”

You nodded and started to bawl, a bundle of nerves and excitement. “Yes. I have to change my life to have this baby. Are you willing to do the same? Or am I going this on my own?”

“No, we’re in this together,” he said, his tears staining his upturned lips. “I’ve missed you so much these past three months and baby or not, I wanted to try and make this work, so this is it.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck and whispered in his ear. “This is it.” 

[c-rankin93]

SHE'S NO YOU - Ch.2

Word count: 3100+

A/N: keep in mind in know that in 2016, the 6th of Dec wasn’t a Saturday. But ignore that like I have haha! & also this was originally 2 different chapters, but I combined them & I might do that with a few more so there isn’t so many chapters.

I’m glad that people have liked the first chapter. The drama hasn’t even started Unfolding yet! ✔✔❤❤

As usual: oversee the grammar and spelling mistakes I make. I’m not the best editor 🖕

– CHAPTER TWO: BIRTHDAY BLUES –

RAE POV:

Before I knew it Monday came around, and to say that I was excited to see my babies was an understatement. It had been two miserable days of not seeing their darling faces creating havoc around the house. I missed cleaning up after them, snuggling with Ruby at night when she couldn’t sleep, cooking with Joshua when wanted to bake.

In those two days I moped around the house, cleaning spotless bench tops, re-washing all the linen in the cupboards, and having lunch with Greg on the Sunday before he went to Los Angeles to see his sister for a week.

Since the kids school was only a few blocks away I decided to forgo the taxi and pick them up by foot. I even considered stopping at a small ice cream bar to give the kids a treat. It may have been the middle of November but I didn’t mind a little ice cream here or there.

I replaced my black stilettos for some ankle boots but left my work attire on, only putting thick white peacoat and black scarf over top. I grabbed my handbag and keys from the kitchen bench before locking up.

It was a bonus that I got to work half my days at home instead of being cooped up in a stuffy office for hours on end. Being a senior architect and a boss meant I could mold my own hours and delegate my work load. My boss and owner of the company, Chloe was an incredible lady and not much older then me. When I started working for her straight after collage, her business was just starting off.

Being only 5 years my senior meant that she turned into one of my closest friends. She was there visiting me at the hospital when both my children were born, and one of the people holding me up when my marriage broke. Apart from her, and my best friend Izzy, she was the only other person I trusted that wasn’t family.

The walk to columbia grammar and preparatory school only took about 20 minutes or so, it was a nimble walk along the streets of the upper west side. Finn refused to send our children to any other place stating ‘it’s what’s best for our children’s education’ and I couldn’t agree more.

It was a private school full of privileged young youths, the tuition alone per year was more then buying a house. But when it came to their learning money wasn’t a problem. It was one of the places Finn’s company donated heavily too, he was also on the board of trustees and a former student.

I opened the door to ruby’s class room and gathered with the other parents in the corner as the teacher was talking to the students.

“Hey Rachel” whispered another mom to the left of me, she was a sweet women that wasn’t short of bedazzling herself with stunning diamonds.

“Hi Rebecca, how’s your day?” I replied with a hushed whispered and shuffled closer to her so I didn’t disturb the class.

“Oh you know same old, same old. Patrick begs me to stay at home and keep my feet up until miss Isabella makes her grand entrance, he’s like a broken record that man” she smiles rubbing her, very round tummy. I looked at the 40-something year old in amazement, her hair prim and proper, with wonderful designer clothing and a kind hearted smile upon her face. It was rare to meet genuine people in New York. It reminded me to set up a coffee date with her sometime soon.

“Listen to your husband Rebecca, Patrick’s right you should put your feet up more often. You won’t be able to do it when she comes along” I tutted and chuckled quietly at my authority.

“Yeah maybe but I’ll be so bored. I need to be doing something or I feel like I’m going crazy”.

“I know how you fe-”

I was interrupted by the feel of a tiny body constricting themselves around my legs in joy. Her little pony tail bouncing with her movement when Ruby began jumping lightly on the balls of her feet. A smile radiated my face, leaning down I wrapped an arm around Ruby’s back and cuddle my little girl close.

“I missed you too sweety” I whispered softly into her ear and returned to my stand position.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow Rebecca, I’ve got to get going to Josh’s classroom” I learned over a pecked her cheek in Farwell. “Bye brody” I patted her sons head as they both smiled and waved goodbye.

After collecting ruby’s bag and coat, we headed down the hall to Josh’s class. Her tiny hand secure in mine as we walked side by side through the busy corridor.

Josh was already waiting for us by the door as he talking to one of his teachers, Mr Holden.  He was a bubbly old man, who talked years of wisdom. Josh was fond of the old guy, admired him almost. He made sure Josh kept his grades impeccable and in exchange he would tell Josh all about his time teaching in France, Ireland and Australia.

“Hi mom” beamed my little man, then said a quick goodbye to the teacher who waved at me.

“How was dad’s house?” I was a bit sceptical on how the weekend went after ruby’s little breakdown.

“Awesome!” He beamed. “We had so much fun! Dad took us out for tea, went to the park and even the zoo mom. The ZOO!”.

“It would of been better if you were there” I could barely hear the whisper that was muttered by Ruby. My heart broke again after hearing her soft words. I knew they weren’t meant for my ears, so I decided not to speak up.

We headed towards the little ice cream bar that was situated between our house and the school. Even with New Yorks chilly temperature the place was still bursting with people. It took us 20 minutes for us to place our order (Ruby with a scoop of vanilla bean and sprinkles, Josh with a scoop of raspberry swirl and I deciding on a scoop of cookies and cream). We chose to eat and walk, the kids talking about the rest of the weekend and school today and I filling them in on my lonely adventures without them.

By the time we arrived home our bellies were full and the cold finally getting to us, Ruby snuggled closer into my leg as I fished into my bag to retrieve the keys.

The rest of the night was full of laughter and a light tea before both the kids and I curled up in my king size bed and dozed off.

-

The rest of the month flew by fast and before I knew it, it was already the 5th of December. Finns mood stayed placid but he didn’t speak to me or step foot into my house after I kicked him out. He’s grumpiness was obvious on his face, but I was glad the smart ass kept his usual comments to himself.

Greg had popped over several times after work when he came back from his sisters house. He only stayed one of those nights, to which I was grateful for. Our relationship sometimes felt more like a friendship and I was comfortable with that. I wasn’t ready to give my heart to someone else after a messy divorce.

If i was being honest, I wasn’t completely over my ex-husband. I probably never will be. He swept me off my feet when I was only 18, I was new to college life and Izzy convinced me that our first week should be spent drinking until our livers gave out. I being the pushover I am agreed and somehow we found ourself at a prat party.

Finn approach me and asked me to dance, and I being a typical freshman fell for his charms and instantly in love. It was just my luck that he reciprocated my feelings and for the next 12 years out life was bliss. Until it wasn’t, until he broke my heart in the worst possible way.

Joshua’s 8th birthday was tomorrow and it was my turn to have him. I hadn’t planned anything big, but I couldn’t wait to surprise him with a visit to the Rockefeller centre to go ice skating, then to travel to my parents house over in New Jersey for a family tea. He wasn’t a fussy child and the simple things in life is what made him happy. I’m glad that even though he grew up around money he doesn’t demand to be spoilt.

I was lucky to have both humble and nurtured children. Money buys power, to which their father had Alot of, and still with the world at their feet they would rather have a simple gift then an extravagant one. I guess they inherited my way of thinking, I had always told them money can’t buy love.

-

By 7am the next morning the house was alive, the birthday boy had made sure of that. His excitement for the days events were contagious and I couldn’t help by smile everytime his eyes lit up after opening one of his presents.

Blueberry waffles were still steaming hot on the counter top as I prepared the cream and chocolate sauce. It was a breakfast I disapproved of, but today was Josh’s day and he had practically begged for days on end for them. Who was I to say no? How could I even say no?

Just as I was about to call the kids to the dinning room table the door bell chimed. I looked at my watch seeing it was only 8.14am.

'Who on earth could that be?’ I thought to myself as I dusted off my hands and made my way to the door. My Mom and Step-Dad knew we were coming to their house today, same with my older brother Robert.

Izzy surely wouldn’t be out of bed this early on a Saturday morning, plus she was at a franchise meeting in LA to both her and the kids dismay. They loved their aunty Iz, who had a habit of feeding their bellies full of white chocolate muffins. Also, Chloe was meeting us at the ice skating rink with her two bubbly children. So we weren’t expecting company.

Shocked couldn’t even describe my emotion when I opened that door to see my ex-husband and his new hussy standing there on the door step.

His impeccable dark blue wash suit was tailored to perfection as aways, hair greased back leaving it slightly wet, which could also be said about my panties.

Olivia looked stunning as always, and it made me sick. Her newly short platinum blonde hair was styled into a quirky quiff, her slim figure dressed in a perfect two toned grey and white stripped knitted dress that stopped just before her knees. She added black boots, a grey coat and a beautiful necklace hung around her neck.

I internally groaned when I assessed my own attire of, black leggings I pulled from my draw and a old, baggy OASIS top which I stole off Finn in my junior year at college. It was stretched beyond belief because of the two pregnancies I endured and the neck line kept slipping off my shoulder. No doubt my hair was still a tangled mess on top of my head, actually I was a mess from head to toe and they were the perfect couple. But just to add insult to injury, I remember that I didn’t even bother to put on a bra this morning. Great, just great.

“What are you doing here?” I tried my hardest to cover up as much of my top as I could, I didn’t want to look like a desperate ex-wife still mourning the loss of her husband. But the look in his eye told me he had already noticed what top I decided to wear.

“I came to see my son on his birthday Rae. Is that alright with you?” I rolled my eyes and ignored Olivia’s snickering. I stood to the side and allowed them both to come in, as much as I wanted to slam the door in their faces I knew that Josh would want to see his dad.

The kids where currently in Josh’s room playing the Xbox game I got him, so I excused myself to notify them that their dad was here to see them.

The moment their little eyes connected with their fathers they came running down the stairs and engulfed Finn in a giant hug nearly knocking him to the ground.

Josh started talking a mile a minute explaining to Finn all the exciting things that he had gotten already. I could see Finn smile as he watched his son, causing a small ache with on my heart. These moments are the ones I missed, when we would spend time as a family.

I knew that Finn had already given Josh his present when they had seen him after school on Thursday so I was a little shocked to see him pull two small gift box’s from his coat and hand them to both the kids. I didn’t stick around to see the cute expressions they made when they opened them, it still hurt to much.

“Dad, mom cooked our favourite breakfast today! And made home made chocolate sauce” Josh spoke excitedly, “dad, are you staying for breakfast? Please, please say you are!”

Finn, Josh and Ruby looked to me expectedly as I stood awkwardly in the kitchen. I nodded my head silently and listened to the kids cheer.

“But finny, we have a plane to catch” Olivia whined. It was the first thing she had said since she arrived, and I wished she had just kept her mouth shut.

“Liv it’s a private plane! I’ll just ring the airport and delay it by an hour” Finn spoke softly, but I couldn’t help but pick up on his cool tone. Olivia continued to whine like a 3 year old about keeping to a schedule and I didn’t have time to listen. I just continued to busy myself with setting the table.

They all gathered around my mahogany 6 seater table in the dinning room. Finn and Olivia sat together on one side, and the kids, and I sat on the other. Never had I felt this awkward in my own home, between Olivia scrunching her nose up the waffles, and the kids in a in-depth conversation with Finn, I just felt alone. This wasn’t the family breakfasts I dreamt of when I was a teen. Silently, I sat there nibbling on a few bits of freshly cut fruit. Wishing I could disappear.

“Mommy?” Ruby whispered, disconnecting me from my thoughts and bringing me back to reality, not realising I zoned out.

“Yeah baby” I cooed stroking her soft light brown hair smiling.

“Why is Olivia here?” I turned to my daughter and leaned closer to her.

“Ugh- well sweety. She is your daddy’s girlfriend and she wants to see you guys. It’s Josh’s birthday and he’s extremely happy having them here. Why do you ask?”.

“She doesn’t like us very much” Ruby muttered, “she always says we get in the way”.

I focused on my breathing, reminding myself that today was Josh’s day and I couldn’t ruin it by jumping over the table and strangling the bitch to death.

“Like I said sweetie your going to have to talk to your dad about that”.

“Talk to me about what?” We swung our heads towards Finn not realising that our conversation was being heard. I felt ruby’s small hands latch onto mine in a death grip.

“Well… Umm… I think it’s something you and Ruby should talk about that- in private” I explained sending a small smile to Ruby.

“And why is that?” Olivia butted in. I could see the annoyance etched on her face.

“Because it’s a private matter between him and his daughter that’s why” I narrowed my eyes on the witch, but kept my voice light. She had no right to butt in on this conversation.

“Oh please save me the sob story. You just want to spin lies to my Finn don’t you!” Olivia spat. Her words echo in my head over and over again. Her Finn. I felt my heart break all over again.

“I would never, ever do that! You have no ri-”.

“Enough!” Finn bellowed, his face tinted red in anger.

“Olivia, I’ll meet you in the car” Finn hissed, ignoring her complaints. She huffed and stormed off; slamming the front door behind her.

“Kids do you think I can talk to your mom for a minute?” They both nodded and went back up into room after I kissed them on their heads.

“What exactly was that about Rae!” I cringed at his toned. He leant over the table, his eyes boaring into mine. I looked away deciding the left over fruit on my plate looked particularly interesting.

“I think you need to speak with Ruby, Finn. I’ve told her too, but she is too scared” I sighed, “and that is what I tried to explain to your girlfriend”.

“I’ll deal with Olivia later Rae, don’t bring her up”.

“Why did you have to bring her here! To my house! I understand you wanting to see Josh but you know how we feel about each other. And you still-” Finn abruptly got up from his chair and walked around the table until he was standing right next to me. Yanking me by my arm lightly, Finn dragged me to my feet.

“You left me remember! You packed your shit and left with my fucking kids in the middle of my business trip. So don’t you dare go there!” He hissed causing me to flinch back.

“You were so heart broken that you moved Olivia in 6 months later” I scoffed, “you know what just leave please. This is Josh’s day! And I don’t want it ruined by a silly little argument. So please just go say goodbye and hop on that plane of yours and go… your good at that” I barely whispered the last words before I fled.

Out of all the deceitful things Finn had done to me in the 2 years since our divorce, this took the cake. I could deal with his hateful words, but for him to bring her into my home… That was unacceptable. To let her talk to me like that in front of our children. I was done.

There was no use hiding my tears in the bathroom I barricaded myself in. I needed to get this pitty party over with, because today wasn’t the day for a mental break down.

'Why wasn’t I good enough Finn?’

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@mmfdfanfic @lily-pop-2 @eveerez @i-dream-of-emus @I88cym - Im sorry I tried everything to try and tag you but it won’t work.

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[raybansandcoffee]

Chapter 27: Never Enough (One Direction)

Harry

“So Nate, are we going to have an almost choking on jewelry incident again tonight?” He flipped Annie off from across the table. “Nope. We aren’t actually here on Valentine’s Day this year, so you two missed out on me giving her jewelry.” “What did you get her?” I asked. Due to Nate’s case and my work in LA we had been in Los Angeles for Annie’s birthday. I felt terrible about it. She always spent her birthday with her friends. We were either in London or here in Paris with Nate and Kim. But this year because of my commitments we weren’t able to do that.

“He got me a vintage sapphire and diamond cocktail ring.” She held her hand out to show us. It was a very nice ring. Nate had always been hesitant to buy jewelry for Kim on his own. Evidently, the first pair of earrings he bought her she hated. So he always made sure if he was gift giving he had Lyla, Lizzy, Annie or me with him. I remember when he had asked me when we were out to dinner one night to meet me while the girls were at work the next day and help him shop for an engagement ring. We were lucky that we didn’t get caught by photographers or both of the women in our life would’ve been emotional. It was the first time we’d hung out just us guys which was a bit awkward. I don't often go jewelry shopping with my mates. He had spent the entire time being half mental trying to pick between two rings and finally made me pick. I talked him through the decision so he came to it on his own with a little coaching. He was one of three boys, he didn’t have sisters who taught him this stuff. I was lucky I’d had Gemma over the years. She’d always taught me how to pay attention to what women did so I could get the right thing. Which was good because the woman in my life was overly opinionated and if she hated something I gave her was happy to close the box and hand it back. “You did a nice job, mate,” I said smiling. He mouthed out ‘Lyla’ and I quietly chuckled. “So are we going to grab cocktails somewhere or are we heading back to our hotels. You two have an uninterrupted night of sleep ahead of you.” “We could grab a bottle of champagne and share it in our room,” Annie said smiling at me. I loved her smile. Her tiny dimple showing on her right cheek, her blue eyes sparkling. She hadn’t stopped smiling since I told her I was done waiting and it was time to get married. She didn’t stop smiling when her parents all three cried knowing that she was right and they wouldn’t be able to be here for the wedding. Surprisingly her Dad even cried a bit. I know that Dads all dream of walking their little girl down the aisle and I hated that I was robbing him of that. But we knew he wouldn’t get on a plane to fly to England for what Annie was calling a shotgun wedding. I kept reminding her that we didn’t have a baby on the way, despite this book being her baby. I promised him that we could go to the church in her hometown where her Grandparents and Great-Grandparents were married, the one she had her heart set on getting married at when she still lived at home, and he could walk her down to the aisle to me, even if it was just the three of us in the building. He replied by telling me that he had handed her over to me years ago and wished me luck. I know that despite her protests that there is a part of her that is sad that we decided to elope. She wanted to get the big dress, though she swore it wouldn’t be traditional, it would fit her personal style. She wanted to have all of her friends in fluffy dresses and watch her niece and nephew dance around like lunatics. We’d attended a fair number of weddings in our time together. Watched our friends all get married, some of them twice, and we just happily sat on the sidelines knowing that when the time was right it would happen. I was watching her sleep in Fiji while we were on vacation when I decided it was time. She looked so peaceful. So calm. She was rarely like that anymore. Always worrying about her career and mine, the book making things worse. She’d been like this before. Leading up to the first tour of our relationship, with the help of Lizzy, I’d convinced her to leverage what she was doing with her blog to make some money on it. Lizzy told her to follow me and go on the road, to watch out for Lyla, and see the world or at least part of it while she was at it. Frankie told her that her job would be waiting for her when she got back. She was hesitant. She didn't want to use our relationship to make money. So Lizzy and Frankie agreed to keep paying her and she would keep doing the social media for the bookshop and the pub. That finally got her to agree. She’d be earning her own spending money rather than relying solely on me to pay for the things she purchased. She came with to South America. Together we saw Machu Picchu and Christ the Redeemer. We danced in the streets of Buenos Aires in the moonlight as my Broadway-loving lady serenaded me with the music from Evita. We got drunk on caipirinhas and made love as the sun came up. She and Lyla grew even closer. It was the first time that it was just the two of them and not Kim, Lizzy, and Niki as well. She documented our life and travels on her blog. She photographed me on stage and told me that she fell more in love with me every night when I took the stage because I made so many people happy, just by being me. We survived the first part of the tour and she survived on the money she was making. I was sure it was going to work. She had no choice but to go to Ireland with me. The whole gang of misfits she called her friends were headed to the shows. Frankie, Niki, and Niall were excited to show her their home, even if none of them grew up in Dublin. She was determined she was going back to London after that trip until my Mum told her that she needed to be in Manchester to meet my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. She still hasn’t ever been able to say no to my Mum. When we arrived home, she told me she wasn’t coming with me anymore. She felt like she needed to work and help pay our bills at home, something we’d fought about since she moved in. My heart broke getting on that plane for Sweden without her but I knew that my stubborn girl was not to be pushed to make a decision. I woke up the next morning and went about my day while constantly checking my cell phone for any message from her. It was mid-show that I realized she was down in front of the barricades with security and her camera. She told me that when she cried the whole night because she couldn’t sleep without me that she finally realized I was right, something she rarely, if ever admitted, even to this day. So she packed a bag, bought a ticket and told Niall to get her into the arena. By the time we hit our next stop she had already arranged sponsors for her blog and her anxiety started to decrease about money. Lizzy and Frankie both jumped on board. Weekly book recommendations with links to buy it online from the bookshop and regular videos of her making drinks in O’Brien's and if she was on the road she was in her cut up O’Brien’s shirt as I videotaped her. The first video she’d done was of those caipirinhas and now O’Brien’s was the only Irish Pub in all of London where you could get a Brazilian drink. It was when we got to Paris and I saw the way her face lit up seeing this city again that I realized for the first time that I wanted to marry her. I claimed to have work and snuck out of our hotel before the sun was even able to make an appearance for a private appointment at Tiffany & Co. I explained what I wanted, which wasn’t in the case, and they agreed to custom make an engagement ring and have it ready by the time we reached Italy and then our first night of our holiday, in front of my band and her friends I dropped on one knee and asked her to spend forever with me. The ring made her hesitate less about accepting money from me. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together and that ring meant that. I could’ve put a hair band around her ring finger and it would’ve meant the same but she deserved the dream ring and the dream proposal. I’d hoped originally that she’d get the dream wedding too. Maybe even convince her family to come to England and get married in Holmes Chapel. Or ship my whole family to the US and that church in her hometown. But then life happened. The band decided to take a break. I filmed a movie and recorded a debut record at the same time. All the while she was writing and still managing a social media client or two. She’d do speaking engagements on how to leverage social media to make money off of a blog. We worked and focused on our dreams, knowing that we’d eventually get married. We went through some of the happiest moments in life together and through some of the hardest. There wasn’t a day that I questioned if she’d be there to hold my hand, to listen and offer advice when needed or if all else fails make a crack about me having no magic due to being a Styles and not a Potter. I was her proofreader, her production assistant, and her knight in shining armor all rolled into one. We loved each other with everything we had no matter what. Then last fall she got the opportunity to publish this book. She’d always wanted to be an author, had even tried to write a novel once but chickened out on shopping it around. A friend that worked at a publishing house approached her about her photography and she jumped at the opportunity. I asked if I could write the introduction to the book. It was that night in Fiji, where I couldn’t sleep and she lay beside me as I wrote her introduction, that I knew I was done waiting for the time to be perfect, I just wanted to marry her. It was what I’d known in France that first trip, in Italy when I proposed, and if I was honest to myself what I knew when I walked in that little bookshop for the first time. I didn’t care whether she was in couture or converse, I just wanted to marry that girl. And now it was finally going to happen. “Yes, champagne in our hotel room. You two girls can chat about where we need to shop tomorrow so that you can get Kim a dress. And maybe you should buy yourself a dress,” I said raising my eyebrows at her. “I have my dress with me,” she replied frowning at me playfully. She had packed a short white, lace dress that she loved. She’d found it in Los Angeles when Lou and Gemma had made a trip to visit. She wore it with me to an award show that was a little bit more fun and thought it would be a dress she could wear for our wedding. “I still think that you should wear whatever color you want.” “What color is the dress?” Kim interrupted. “White,” we replied together. “And…wedding dresses are white,” Kim said. “I think she should wear black. When I think of the woman I want to marry, she’s still in that black maxi dress she had on the day I met her. The one with the slit up to her thigh and her tattoos on her shoulder showing.” “Harry.” She was staring me down. The tone of her voice the one she always had when she was frustrated with me. “I. Have. A. Dress.” “We can look at it when we get to the hotel and I can tell you if I think we need to find you a new dress,” Kim said. “Fine, let’s go back to the hotel,” Annie said. As we stood I helped her put her coat back on. “I love you,” I said. “I love you too,” she replied. We exited back onto the street and the car service was waiting. I would normally choose to walk through the city, as would Annie. But this trip was different. Our normal walks through cities when we traveled involved a few fans coming up and asking for pictures or autographs if they saw us. This time I wanted to make sure we avoided that as much as possible so that we were able to have the private moment for our wedding that we wanted. In the car, Annie watched out the window, occasionally snapping a photo of something that caught her eye. She almost always carried a purse big enough to fit one of her smaller cameras but tonight she was relying solely on her iPhone. I always loved when we’d get in bed at night when we were traveling or the first day home. She’d upload all of her photos and show them to me. And then I got to see the world the way she saw it for a little while. We pulled up in front of the hotel and quickly entered. I hurried to the front desk while everyone else requested the elevator. I asked the hotel to bring another bottle of champagne up to our suite. There had been one waiting when we arrived this afternoon but it didn’t take long for Annie and me to polish that off while calling our family to let them know we had arrived. We went into our room and the girls were quickly barefoot and on the couch with their iPads trying to come up with ideas of what to shop for. I sat down in the chair next to Nate. “So, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news mate, but you know you can’t legally get married in France. Right?” he inquired. He was speaking quietly so as not to disturb the girls. I laughed a little. “We do know that,” I replied. “We filed the proper paperwork back home and are going to just go to the courthouse on Monday to make it legal. We wanted to have something meaningful to both of us. We talked about it for a while too. We weighed a lot of options. Los Angeles, London, hell she suggested Vegas and New York at one point. But the reality of it is, we could do all of this without the legal part and still be happy. But for her to legally change her name on her passport we need a marriage certificate. When we were discussing eloping we decide that we wanted to do it here.” “Why? If it can’t be legal and you have to do it twice why not just get married at home?” “France, Paris more specifically, has been this place that’s meant a lot to our relationship. It was the first place we traveled together. We have so many traveling rituals that are all based on our first trip here. Her engagement ring came from Paris. It just felt right to both of us. She looked up stuff constantly when we were deciding. She cried her eyes out when she realized it couldn't be legal here. She even suggested that we just rent a flat and move here for a few months so that it could be legal. I just didn’t want to wait that long. So I convinced her that we could get married here for what we will think of as our wedding and then we’ll just do the legal bit back in London on Monday.” “I guess that makes sense. Wedding planning is a nightmare anyhow.” I chuckled a bit. Kim had been nutty planning their wedding. Her family was livid at the fact that she wasn’t getting married in the United States. She knew that their life was in London and wanted to get married there. It would’ve been tremendously difficult for her to plan a big wedding from an ocean away. She had a family member or two originally threaten not to come. But she held her ground and they all showed up. Her mother perhaps showed up too much. She made four trips in the 10 months that they planned the wedding. The last trip was for the three weeks prior to the wedding. I’d often wake up to Kim sitting at my kitchen island with Annie before 6:00 in the morning. Annie was usually slumped over trying not to fall asleep in her coffee while Kim ranted. She’d tell her mother that she had to work early and leave. I can only imagine how having a house guest for that long leading up to the most important day of your life thus far could be overly stressful. I’d learned how to make some fancy coffee drinks and a lot of breakfast options over that time period as I cooked for the girls and helped play amateur psychologist with Annie in the mornings. On top of the family drama surrounding their pending nuptials, there was a lot of work that went into the wedding. Nate’s family was huge. Each parent being one of at least four kids, his Dad the twin brother to Lizzy’s Dad. Their twins, Max and Jack are named after the Dads. The first time I met both of the Dads I was blown away, having not realized they were twins. It explained to me why Nate and Lizzy often looked like they could be brother and sister instead of cousins and why they were so close. They had been more like siblings as it was three girls in one family and three boys in the other. Kim had a large number of people making their first overseas trip for the wedding. All the work paid off. The wedding was fantastic and turned out perfect. And now they are raising quite an amazing little family. There was a knock at the door. I stood and went to let in the room service cart that had a bottle of champagne and some desserts for us. The girls finally put their iPads down long enough to let me pop the bottle of champagne and fill the glasses up for them. “What do you need me to do for this whole thing?” Nate asked me. “Just be there. We don’t really want anyone to have to do anything which is why we went with this plan. Those two I’m sure will drag us all around the city tomorrow to find the perfect dress for Kim. So perhaps we will have to either sneak away for a drink at some point or just enjoy a day of our girls playing dress up.” “That I can handle.” I looked across the room at our girls. They were back on their iPads now. Champagne in one hand and a fork full of cake in the other. “Now that we’ve found some ideas on what we should be looking at for me let’s look at something for you. I mean not that what you wear is as important as what I wear or anything,” Kim said. Annie nearly choked on her bite of cake laughing. She stood up from the couch and grabbed the dress quickly going into the bathroom to change. “Does she not want to wear white?” Kim asked me. “I think she thinks she’s supposed to wear white. When we first got engaged and she lived in that Pinterest app on the road, most of the dresses she looked at had color and weren’t white. Either something very edgy and black or sort of a pinkish color. But for some reason when it finally came time to plan something she thought she should just wear something she already owned that was white. It baffles me. It’s not who she is. I’m still shocked she actually wore it to an awards show. Don’t get me wrong, she looks stunning in the dress, but it’s just not her.” “She’s never one to do something because it’s conventional,” Nate said. “Doesn’t seem much like my girl Belle to do that.” “Not at all,” I replied. “Well, maybe the three of us can tag team her tonight and tomorrow and get her to wear something that is more fitting of her personality,” Kim said. “I mean admittedly, I’m traditional. Wedding dresses are supposed to be white. But just because I think it should be white doesn’t mean that’s the way it always has to be. She should embrace her own personality. And if you, as her groom, think she should be in something that exemplifies who she is, then she should listen to you. The only opinion that matters tomorrow other than hers is yours.” The door opened and she walked out in the dress. It was gorgeous on her despite my feelings on it being her wedding dress. It was pretty short and had sleeves that went just beyond her elbows. It was a lot of lace and very form fitting. Not something I would’ve imagined her wearing for our wedding at any point in our relationship. “You look really pretty…but no,” Kim said. I smiled. She would normally have said yes to this. The dress was something Kim had texted Annie about from her couch as she watched Red Carpet coverage of the award show that night. She had loved it and loved that Annie went so far from her normal style and wore white. “No?” Annie asked. “Nope. I mean, I love the dress. I’ve loved the dress since you text me from the fitting room and since you wore it to the AMAs but no. This just isn’t what YOU would normally pick for YOUR wedding. So let’s get something that screams ANNIE when someone sees it.” “Are we all sure about this?” she timidly asked. “Yes,” the rest of us in the room said. “Love, when we first got engaged you looked at things that were the polar opposite of traditional wedding attire. Embrace that.” “Are you really sure about that, babe?” she asked. She wanted so badly to make me happy with what she wore and it was ridiculous. “You could show up in ripped jeans and a t-shirt and I’d still marry you. Get something that is more you.” “Okay. Well, I guess we have more shopping to do tomorrow than I originally thought.” She shrugged her shoulders with a laugh. I stood and followed her into the bathroom knowing that the zipper on this dress was tricky. “You know that I’ve only suggested that you find a new dress because I love you and want you to be your authentic self when we commit to each other. If you want to wear this dress on Monday when we go to the courthouse that is fine.” “Thank you for pushing me to do what is going to make me happiest. I just felt like if we are being so untraditional that I should maybe embrace the white dress thing.” “Hell no. Embrace the be you thing you normally do.” I unzipped the dress and kissed her shoulder. “I am going to love you no matter the color of your dress or hair.” She laughed at my comment. She’d thought about coloring her hair brown again, something closer to her natural color and the color she had when we first started dating. She currently had platinum blonde hair. A month ago it was pink. Last fall it was a grayish lavender. She had been having fun and I loved that she still allowed herself to do that instead of falling in line with what a typical 37-year-old woman was supposed to do. She lived life how she wanted to live it and I fell for her more and more every day. “I had thought about having Louise change my hair color while we were home last week but we were in town for such a short period of time that I hesitated. And then thought, do I really want generations later of our family to go ‘Why did Aunt Annie have mermaid hair for her wedding?’. So I figured I’d just wait and do it this week. We’ve got a little time now that we are going to be home for a few months without any extended trips.” “You’re happy about that aren’t you?” “So happy. I mean while our house in Los Angeles is beautiful, amazing and everything I dreamed a house could be…London is home.” “I know it is. I’m excited to be back home for a while too.” I kissed her softly before leaving her to change out of her dress. I opened the door to see Kim finishing her glass of champagne. “We are going back to our room,” she announced. “A kid free night is rare for you two. Enjoy it. And by enjoy it I don’t just mean fall asleep with the TV on.” “I wasn’t planning on it mate. We will see you two in the morning to go shopping,” Nate said as they stood up to leave the room. “Sugar, we are alone now,” I called as the door shut. I heard the door of the bathroom open and turned to see her in a black nightgown I hadn’t noticed she took into the bathroom with her. “Still make my heart stop.” She blushed before coming up to me and standing on her tip toes trying to kiss me. My hands slid the silk of her nightgown before sneaking beneath it and grabbing her ass. She moaned quietly into my mouth. “You make mine race,” she whispered. I bit her lip slightly. I led her towards the bed and as my knees hit the mattress they buckled, me landing on my back with her on top of me. My hands were resting on her rib cage. She wasn’t lying. Her heart was racing. She sat up and began to unbutton my shirt before going for my belt. I struggled to get my boots off. I finally flipped her onto her back and stood so I could get rid of my boots and my pants. She crawled to her knees so she could finish removing my shirt. I crawled back onto the bed with her moving us towards the headboard. Our kisses were hungry. Our hands roamed each other’s body. We laid under the covers kissing for what felt like hours before I had enough of the foreplay. I hovered above her and looked into her eyes. The eyes I’d fallen in love with the first time I’d seen them. They changed colors based on her mood and her clothing. Surrounded by soft white sheets and her pale skin they were a light blue but shown so brightly. “I love you. Always have, always will,” I said softly before kissing her. Her breathing hitched as I entered her slowly. Her legs instinctively moving around mine and her ankles hooking together. Her hands moved from my hair to my shoulders to my chest. I felt her fingers tweak my nipples, it was her signal to me. She often played out on me what she wanted for herself. I broke the kiss and looked down at her smiling before kissing down her neck and taking her nipple between my lips and then teeth. She moaned. My pace was slow and steady. Her moan changed slightly, it was my signal. She was ready for me to speed up, I wasn’t ready to yet. “Slow down.” “But…but…I don’t want to.” “Well, I’m not ready to speed up.” “Please.” She was begging. “You feel so good. I don’t want it to end.” I thrust harder into her and held my hips against hers. Her breathing became ragged. “You're enjoying torturing me,” she said as I pulled back nearly removing myself from her before slamming into her again. “You like when I torture you.” Her muscles tightened around me. “I…I do like it when you torture me.” Normally when I behaved liked like this she could typically reach orgasm more than once. I watched her eyes roll back into her head and saw her chest rising and falling quickly. And then she hit it, her first orgasm. As her breathing slowed and she finally opened her eyes I started to speed up my movements. She glared at me. She was hoping I’d allow her to catch her breath a little before sending her into the spiral of her second orgasm, instead, I was eager to see her come apart in front of me again. “I…I…I…hate you when you do this.” “No, you don’t.” I bent down and captured her lips with mine. I inched back and opened my eyes. She was staring in them. “I love you,” she breathed. “I love you,” I replied before kissing her again. She bit my lip as I moved faster again until we both started to fall back down from our high. I laid my head on her chest listening to her heartbeat and breathing. She ran her fingers through my hair for a few minutes, nearly lulling me to sleep until she nudged me off of her and went into the bathroom. She reappeared a few moments later with her hair in a messy bun and her makeup off. She crawled under the covers next to me and laid her head on my chest. “I’m really happy, Harry,” she said quietly. “I am too. I’m glad we are finally ready to do this.” “Me too,” she responded. “Me too.” “Nate did point out that we can’t legally get married here.” “I knew we couldn’t pull the wool over his eyes.” “I told him that you really had your heart set on Paris so we were going to do it here so that our photos and our memories are here.” “I still would’ve moved here for a few months so we could’ve done it legally.” “I know, but I’m glad we don’t have to do that. If we are going to be back on this side of the planet we may as well live in our house in London.” “I know.” She sighed. “It doesn't matter where it happens really, though I am excited that we are here for it.” “As am I,” I replied. “And then on Monday, you can put on that little white dress that you think you need to wear and we can go to the courthouse and then submit the paperwork to change your passport.” “Yes, changing my passport. Annie Styles. It doesn’t sound too terrible.” “It sounds like music to me.” She laughed at me and moved to kiss me. “Let’s get some sleep.” “Okay. I love you.” “And I love you.” One more kiss and she put her head on my chest again and I listened to her breathing change as she drifted off to sleep.

Okay...so I am blown away at how the first chapter back into this has sparked interest in the story again. I wanted to give an end to this story that these characters deserved. The chapters have been coming to me easier than anything I've been writing in the last few years and it almost makes me sad that an end is coming. I'd originally intended the end to be three chapters and then got REALLY long winded with this chapter and realized it needed to be split in two. So there will be another Harry chapter coming because I'd mapped it out to be in his point of view. I don't think anyone will mind a little extra Harry. It's been fun falling back into this story.

In regards to the chapter title and song title, I felt it was appropriate to finally use some 1D songs and each of these last chapters will have a song from Made in the AM.

So let me know what you think. I'm anxious to know what everyone's reaction is to where this story is ending. Do you have any predictions for what will happen? Any thoughts? And would you be interested in a one-shot series that told the story of the 7 years that were advanced in this story? I had a one-shot series started that I intended to use to tell the tidbits of the characters lives before the first chapter of London Calling that I have a few pieces in and a lot of ideas. It could be expanded to cover the missing pieces of life before the snowy weekend and between the two trips to Paris. Let me know if you'd be interested in me expanding Always In My Head - A London Calling Series to include more stories of these characters. Always In My Head was never intended to only be from Harry and Annie's perspectives, so it could have Kim, Nate, Lyla, Niall, or anyone else from their lives. Just let me know what you think as I am on the fence of closing this up completely and moving on to something else.

As always find me on Twitter, Kik (raybandsandcoffee - that typo will forever bother me) or message me here. You can also find it one Harry Styles Fanfiction. Hell, I'll even accept emails if you prefer, you can email me at raybansandcoffee@yahoo.com (or find me on Yahoo Messenger).

[tommot5]

they don’t know about us (OT5 kidfic)

thing i wrote for @citricac1d​‘s birthday. ot5 are freddie’s parents. non-famous au. trans girl harry, nb girl zayn, the rest of them are cis boys. first person, harry’s pov.

Freddie’s birthday was one of the rare occasions I got to see Briana. Lovely woman, but she doesn’t come around often. Understandable, really. I mean, besides all the awkwardness about her and Louis, and that whole thing, she’s got us to wrap her head around. And if you’re not us, you can’t really know about us. You can know of us, but not about us.

I stood in the middle of us, between Liam on my left and Niall and Zayn on my right. I mean, no, there’s no middle in a four, I know. Louis was standing next to Liam until he went to go help Freddie toddle towards his little birthday cake, which Briana held, kneeling. As Briana cooed and Louis laughed with pure joy and endearment, oblivious to the world outside their son, I noticed Briana’s family shift here and there uncomfortably. Louis’s family were less outwardly awkward, but, I mean, we all knew they couldn’t quite “get” it either. Besides Fizzy, I mean, who actively tried to educate the rest of them on polyamory.

And I’m grateful for that. Fizzy’s an amazing young woman, wickedly brilliant. She’ll be a great aunt someday. I mean, she’ll be great at being an aunt. Obviously I have no idea if she’ll be a great-aunt.

She is great at being an aunt. After Lottie had a turn congratulating the birthday boy, he was all giggles being passed to Fizzy, who let him eat a bit of frosting off her finger. Louis was in front of us, beaming; Niall beamed right back.

Liam said what Niall meant: “We’re proud of you, Lou. Jesus, look at this.” He smiled crinkly-eyed, gesturing to the party, the emotion, the everything of it all that emanated classic Tomlinson-brand celebratory vibes if I’ve ever known them.

“Thank you, Liam,” Louis smiled in a semi-sarcastic way, while still unable to hide how purely happy he is. “But remember, I’m not the one turning one full fucking year old.” He said it, punctuated, in italics, like he always says it; like an outrageous fact you keep reading over and over, accepting it, but still sustaining disbelief. I wonder if he’ll ever look at the passage of time the same way.

“It’s not my special day,” he reiterated, turning to look at Freddie. He was in Briana’s arms, entertaining her friends by giggling and clapping. He wandered over to join them, but we all hang back. We must have looked so cliquey. Really, we were just nervous. We wanted to impress the in-laws, if they are that. It’s complicated, with us. That’s what I mean.

--

It was alright. We all get to spend plenty of time with Freddie, when Louis has him. “Sometimes I think Briana and them are just jealous,” Zayn had whispered to me once, leaning against the churning dryer with a swaddled, sleeping Freddie pressed to her chest.

“Why?” I asked, popping another cinnamon almond in my mouth. Have you ever had those? From Trader Joe’s? They are terrible. Too addictive. And I probably would’ve gained a lot more weight on them if Niall didn’t do all the shopping, ‘cause if you say, “Niall, never buy these again!” he just won’t, ever. Even if it’s just a joke. So I’ll never see another cinnamon almond again.

“‘Cause there’s five of us. I mean, it’s probably easier, right? Takes some of the stress off Lou, like.” She breathed out and the smell of fabric softener wafted over to me, which I’m sure was just a coincidence.

“She’s rich, though,” I said thoughtfully. “She can hire, like... nannies.”

“Nannies…” Zayn mused, rocking back on her heels. “I mean, I dunno. I guess so.”

“But?” I prompted, popping another almond into my insatiable maw.

“It’s better this way. Five real parents.”

“You’re right,” I said, smiling warmly. I liked the thought of that.

Zayn smiled back in a way that silently conveyed, “I know.” That was one of the most attractive things about her -- how she could speak without saying anything. I felt a little awkward thinking that with Freddie in the room, though.

“Hey, have you had these?”

“What, almonds?”

“Cinnamon almonds. They’re from Trader Joe’s.”

“Oh. Yeah, I don’t like them.”

“Oh.”

--

Liam kept watching other people, but leaned over to talk to me. “Are you feeling a bit uncomfortable?”

“I love parties,” I replied, truthfully. “And I love Freddie. So…”

“That doesn’t answer my question.” His eyebrows knit into an expression so iconically LIam that it should probably have a name. I’m naming it ‘autumn.’

In reply, I just shook my head. Sometimes Liam had a hard time not thinking in black and white terms. I mean, it was either you were having a blast at the party or you were completely miserable and wanted to go home. That’s why he had trouble reading Zayn sometimes. Actually, most of the time. Luckily, I’m here as a sort of emotional translator for everyone. I know how to read Niall’s finger-chewing anxiety, and Louis’s quick anger, and Liam’s soft misunderstanding, and, of course, I know how to read Zayn’s stony indignancy. Not to be arrogant, but I think I’m valuable like that.

Anyway, I wasn’t having fun at the party, but I was glad to be there. Like, it’s no Tomlinson’s New Year’s Bash, but it’s not supposed to be. It’s like Christmas, if you have relatives you’re not crazy about, and they bring a bad pudding or something, but you’re still happy to catch up with your cousin, who’s your age and always has seemed a bit gay to you. I mean, so, you could relate. I think that feeling is somewhat universal, having a similarly gay cousin.

--

Last year, I came back home to LA after Christmas and Liam was sitting at the kitchen table, looking autumnally through a Pottery Barn catalogue.

“There’s no way we could afford any of that, you know,” Niall said flatly from behind him. He was still feeling a bit down, because we could only afford to send three of us home for Christmas, and Liam had to go, ‘cause his mum’s getting antsy about him being overseas, and Lou had to go, and I’m the baby, so I get whatever I want. But I did feel bad for Niall, and I kind of regret not letting him go instead of me, ‘cause he does miss Ireland all the time. But what’s past is past, I guess. I’ll make it up to him and share my cinnamon almonds next time I sneak them in the house.

Niall looked up from a catalogue of his own -- or maybe it was the Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer -- and smiled at me. “Harry,” he said in that warm, gruff voice of his he uses sometimes when he’s not quite ready to speak. “When’d you get home? Just now?”

We could hear Zayn sigh loudly in the other room, followed by the pwoomp of her body hitting the sofa sideways. She wanted to be loud, just to emphasize just how tired she was helping me and Louis carry in our bags. We heard Louis laugh and flop on top of her.

“Yeah,” I said. Liam looked up at us autumnally.

“Hi, Liam.” I touched his hair affectionately. The table wobbled as Liam’s weight shifted from it. He was supposed to fix that a million years ago, but then the holidays came around. I made him say that one of his new years’ resolutions was to fix everything broken in our little house, and not just ‘cause I like seeing him get all sweaty doing it. It was Niall’s idea to get a fixer upper; it was a better deal. I liked the idea of getting to customize it, make it our own. I think Zayn was wary of the idea of having to do work, but Louis got her to be a bit more enthusiastic once he explained the concept of self-demolition. She didn’t really end up doing much, though. But Louis definitely did.

“I feel weird…” Liam said suddenly. “Cheryl said she might be pregnant.”

Cheryl was a not-quite friend-with-benefits, not-quite girlfriend we all agreed it was okay for Liam to have. It turned out that they’d only end up being involved for a few months until November. Like I said, it’s kind of hard to wrap your head around us.

“But she wasn’t,” Liam added quickly, not leaving any room for drama or suspense, as usual.

Niall looked up, looked at Liam and then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Which was flattering, and, I think, the right thing to do.

“How do you feel about that?” I asked.

“I… dunno, like,” Liam said, his voice wobbling in the middle of his sentence. “I dunno how I should feel.”

“I think that’s normal with a pregnancy scare…” Niall said mildly. I could tell he was coming down off of the momentary pang of anxiety he felt when he thought another unplanned baby might be entering into our lives. I wonder if he knows the whole thing is so visual. He must, being a doctor. I bet gynecologists are even trained to notice that type of thing. I guess that doesn’t mean he applies it to himself, though.

“I wouldn’t -- I mean, that’s just it,” Liam explained. He spread his hands out over the Pottery Barn catalogue, palms-down. “I don’t know whether I’d call it a scare.”

“Mm…” I hummed, prompting him to elaborate.

“Like, I was… getting ready for it. Being a dad. Actually being a dad.”

“Again,” Niall corrected.

Liam nodded, unsure. “Again, yeah.”

“I mean, we have been dads,” Niall continued, reiterating. That was his strategy when he was trying to make a point, like saying the same thing more times in different ways would weaken the other person’s resistance to his correctness. He picked up his Fage yogurt cup from the counter and ate a spoonful.

“You’re always discounting stuff you do, Liam. Like, just ‘cause no one’s told you explicitly doesn’t mean you’re not a dad.” He shifted, leaning his weight back on the counter. “A good dad,” he added.

“You are good with Freddie…” I was sleepy from the long flight, and Niall was better at talking anyway, even if I was better at starting conversations. We’re a good team that way.

Liam nodded thoughtfully. He really seemed like he was taking all this in. “Thanks…” was all he could say.

“Sometimes,” Niall said after a couple more bites of yogurt, “Life just… hands you shit. Like, roles. Relationships. Shit you didn’t know you’d ever be doing or want to do... And I know you’ve had your life planned out since you were a kid, but, I mean, we weren’t in your plan either, right? It’s not a bad thing to have to adapt. And you shouldn’t resist it.”

I smiled, thinking about how Louis has really changed us all.

“Thanks, Niall… I dunno. I get in my own head, I guess, and…” Liam said quietly.

“And you feel inadequate for changing your grand life plans. Like, ‘cause you’re not a famous singer yet. I get it. I know you. Sometimes, though, life just… life just…”

“Brings you something better,” I supplied. I tried to soften the harshness of Niall being passionate.

“It knows better than you,” Niall shrugged. “Fate, or something like that.”

I smiled, thinking about how I’ve changed Niall. I can’t help but feel like his little impromptu pep talk to Liam was also, a little bit, for himself. Liam nodded and picked at his hangnails autumnally.

--

One hour later, the party was winding down. It had been a while since Freddie was laid down for a nap, and without the birthday boy things were getting pretty subdued.

“Ready to go?” Louis yawned, appearing in front of us and slipping his hands in Zayn’s jacket pockets. Zayn pushed him away so he tried it on Liam instead, who complied obediently. Niall chuckled involuntarily like he did any time Louis did anything at all.

“Yeah, ready,” Niall said.

“Off we go, then,” Louis said cheerfully, ushering the four of us to the front door. “Let me just say a quick goodbye to Briana, and I’ll meet you in the car, yeah?”

We all made our way out into the twilight, across Briana’s green front yard. Liam got in the driver’s seat and started the car, leaving the passenger seat empty for Louis. I leaned on Zayn in the backseat and she kissed my head, resting her cold hand on my thigh. Niall, on the other side of me, looked out the window, while Liam tried to find a radio station.

“I miss Freddie,” I mumbled into Zayn’s shoulder.

“Already, babe?” she smiled quietly.

“Secrets don’t make friends,” sang Liam, but at that moment Louis loudly entered the car.

“Right, all, let’s go home.” He rubbed his hands together for warmth. Having to actually leave Freddie at Briana’s after a whole week with him and the adrenaline of a party had sobered Louis a bit, but he still had the afterglow of joy about him.

“By the way,” he said as Liam backed the car out of the driveway. “Uh, I really appreciate you all coming today.”

“‘Course we would, Lou, we love Freddie.” Niall sounded genuinely surprised at what Louis had said.

“No, but you easily could’ve not. I just want you to know… like, I do think of you as his parents. All of you,” he said. “Think he does too.”

His voice was soft, vulnerable in the way he got when he was being embarrassingly sincere, that mood where it was impossible to deflect or hide his true feelings, no matter how much he might want to. But he was growing up. I don’t think he wanted to hide them just now.

“Even if the rest of ‘em don’t,” he added after a moment. “They just don’t know, you know? They don’t know about us. What we do. How we are.”

After an agreeable silence, Zayn -- who I thought was asleep -- mumbled, “They’re jealous.”

[poeticallyundead]

#9

Fuck Face,

I should have known from the beginning. All the signs were there. You left me for my best friend after two weeks. You know, we were never the same? How could we let you get between us? Dumb little girls enraptured by a man… I slit my wrists over you, the idiocy of it. A journal full of suicide notes because I couldn’t handle the broken heart. Then, when you decided you truly loved me (was she not slutty enough for you? wouldn’t put out?), we dated in secret, because you didn’t know how to end it with her. You couldn’t just turn your back on her like you did to me… no. So you sleep with her friend so she’ll dump you. Worst of all, she told me about it, not you. You cheated on me from the first moment and I still let you nearly destroy my life.

I don’t remember much over the next few months, but I know you managed to slowly turn me against my parents, isolating me from my friends until you were my entire world. And when you suggested that we run away when I was six months away from graduating high school, I said yes. So that’s what we did. We packed up and flew to Washington, moving in with a complete stranger, and struggling to find jobs. 

Almost instantly, you became a different person. You wouldn’t touch me. I was made to feel clingy or bothersome for wanting to be held or to hold you. I couldn’t show affection and you certainly wouldn’t. I officially had nobody but you. I was on a deserted island. We struggled, sharing single serving packs of noodles as our only meal, not knowing where the next would come from. A lawsuit was settling back at home that was set to give me a pretty large chunk of money. That sparked your interest so we moved back home, not three months later… High school thrown away for nothing…

I’ll never know how many girls you fucked while we were together. Our friend, the one I got in the divorce, told me it was basically constant. And now you’re remarried and I think what may have fucked with my mind more than anything is that you might be faithful to her. Which means you only cheated on me. That lead to thoughts of what was wrong with me? What did I do wrong? It wasn’t like there was a day in the first 4 years of our relationship that I wasn’t dtf. I mean, did I ever once turn you away? Because despite everything, all I wanted to do was please you. All I wanted to do was make you happy. 

Let’s also talk about your refusal to work. How did that happen? You know, we had a good life when we were both working. We had enough money to go out and go shopping and have a life outside of our apartment. Something else changed in you when he moved in. That is something else I’ll never know. That’s when you started drinking more and playing video games all the time. You just kept shutting me out more and more. But I still wanted to make you happy.

The drinking got bad. You gave up trying to find a job even after he moved out and I was left working a job I hated, being a punching bag at work and at home. Then when you would get a job, you’d fuck it up. Did you do that on purpose? Stealing from FYE, skipping shifts at Best Buy, bailing on a new job because of a prophetic nightmare… fuck you. And on top of that, you refused to clean the house, saying “Just because I’m home doesn’t mean I’m going to do all the housework.” Are you fucking kidding me? How did I buy into that? I found myself wishing you’d been arrested for that DUI that uncovered the unpaid child support. A year without you could have sent me on a whole new path. It might have given me a chance to realize how much I fucking despised you, even then. 

The drinking got worse. You were either out drinking at parties I wasn’t invited to or getting shit faced at home with your back to me as you played WoW for hours on end. Up all night, sleep all day. Spending MY money on a case of beer every night. 

I reached a point where I was determined to make it work because of everything I had sacrificed for you. I dropped out of high school, I turned my back on my family, I’d cut out all but one of my friends. If I didn’t make it work with you, I was a complete failure.

Maybe a year or two ago I learned about the cycle of abuse and broke down crying in the middle of the classroom. The abuse followed by apologies then a honeymoon period soon to be followed by more abuse. That was you. Because I remember fun times. I remember short periods where things were good. We had some fun together. But I mostly remember the bad moments. 

I remember the snide remarks about needing to pluck my eyebrows or how I should go back on the diet because I was “starting to look good.” Or how about that you would constantly go off on the attractiveness of actresses, hinting at a goal I’d never be able to achieve. Saying you’d have to upgrade to a newer model of girl because I was getting old. 

I remember, one drunken New Year’s Eve, your friend and his girlfriend came over. We were all drinking and having a good time until we went to bed. They started having sex (in our bed, right next to us) and you couldn’t be out done, so we started too. Then he asked if you two could switch and you didn’t even ask me, like I was a piece of property. And after he was done, I left the room, curled up on the couch and tried to cry myself to sleep. You’re only concern, however, was that he made me scream louder.

I remember you coming home completely wasted one night after I’d gone to sleep. I woke up to the sounds of you vomiting in the bathroom. I went in to check on you. That’s when you told me that you were using me. That’s the only reason you were with me. I was weak and pathetic for staying with you. I almost left you the next day, but you apologized and I had no one to confide in.

I remember you were desperate for a threesome, so I tried to set one up. A coworker of mine agreed, but she was nervous. I spent a night with my parents for some reason, I can’t remember. She went over to the apartment to hang out with you. I felt sick with nervous energy all night. I knew something was wrong. The next day I text her asking about your night and she just says it, “we had sex.” I felt myself dissolve. I’d always wondered if you were cheating, but I never had proof and here it was. I called you screaming, crying, kneeling on the bathroom floor trying not to vomit. You somehow convinced me that it was my fault. That I brought her into our life for sex so you thought you had permission. Yeah, that makes sense, fine… But just a few months later, you slept with her again. I left you that time. I was done being the victim. I wasn’t going to be weak and pathetic anymore. But as I sat on the couch of my parents’ empty house while they were in Ireland, I realized I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I had no one to cry with. And I fucking texted you…

You told me that you had swallowed an entire bottle of pills and you weren’t going to tell me where you were unless I took you back. You played on my sympathy. You knew that no matter how much I hated you, I wouldn’t let you die. So we sat on my porch. You said we should get married and I said okay because I was trapped. No matter how stuck I felt before, I was now locked in your prison. 

Nothing changed, but I couldn’t leave. I cringed at your touch, leaving my body when you’d lay on top of me. Wishing you’d die. Wishing you’d leave. Wishing, praying, begging that I would just simply not wake up in the morning. 

On the morning of the wedding, my mom found me smoking in the driveway. “It’s not too late to back out,” she said, but wasn’t it? About 4 years too late… 

You knew that being raised Catholic, divorce was next to murder… You also knew that I never wanted to raise a child in a broken home. That’s why you suggested we have a baby. You never wanted kids, so I jumped on the opportunity. I spent my entire pregnancy alone. You abandoned me for every holiday. I spent my birthday alone. You were out drinking almost every night. The benefit of this separation is that I was able to rebuild my relationship with my parents. 

After the baby was born, I though you might actually follow through on some of your promises, but you didn’t. I got a new job, one I loved, but that meant you had to be an adult and care for your daughter. But you were still drinking every night, getting home at five in the morning and telling me you were in no condition to be with her. I’d get home and she’d be crying on the floor while you were playing fucking WoW. It all broke down one day when you came home drunk just as I was ready to leave. You told me that if I left, I was a terrible mother, but I couldn’t lose this job. I had to leave and you had to deal, but you didn’t. You spent the whole day sending me horrible texts about what an awful mother I was. I ended it then and you told me to come home and get my daughter because you were leaving, leaving an infant alone because you didn’t get what you wanted.

I packed up our entire apartment and moved in with my parents that night. You tried to get me back, but I was done. I might have been able to take your abuse all those years, but I wouldn’t let you do the same to her. 

You destroyed me, tore pieces of me away. You wore me down until I was nothing but a shell that you filled with your hate. I was your maid, your paycheck, your sex slave… But I’ve learned that I am not the ugly, weak, pathetic, unwanted girl you so often told me I was.

It’s taken me awhile to realize that men don’t treat women the way you treated me. I’ve learned that there are guys that will let you warm your cold feet on them. There are men who will hold you without the expectation of sex. There are men that build you up and make you better. There are GOOD guys out there. 

This is where I stop being angry. This is where I stop hating you. This is where I stop being afraid of running into you, the scared little girl you turned me into. This is where I stop running away from happinepss because I’m afraid of being trapped. This is where I let myself fall in love again. This is where I start loving me again. 

This is where I finally leave you behind and move forward.

[rainraincomethisway]

Do every other # starting from the first one and a random one of your choice for the ask post.

Thank you! I haven’t gotten asks for awhile. 

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

About an hour ago, Ireland-Legally Blonde for auditions. :) 

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

This is a difficult one. I take pride in how hard I work, how I do many things to try to be the best I can be, how much I love, and how I want to be kind. Every time I take a step to being happy. When I choose to be happy, I think. Who can top happiness?

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I would drop out of college, as sad as that sounds. I would try to get a job that paid well for a bit, just to save up and travel around with my husband. I would want to take him to DC to see Coline, Texas, England, my family, and so on. I would get life insurance, to leave money for him. I would get my family presents to remember me by. I would want to die happy and with the love of my life, though. I’d want to spend the rest of my time with people I love, but I would want to be with him,

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

He’s about a foot taller than me, and broader shouldered, almost a hundred pounds heavier than me, and twenty years older. Despite these differences, he draws me in like a pryo to fire. His brown hair, lightened in the sun is a beautiful auburn. His beard is brown, auburn, some light orange, and a few white hairs. He has the most beautiful grayish blue eyes, that feel safe. I look into them and I don’t feel intimated, I feel loved. Eye contact always felt too strong for me, I would scatter my glances out, but I want to keep it with him. His nose is the cutest button on the planet, and I’m happy he lets me kiss it and bite it. His lips are soft pillows that fit perfectly against mine, and feel like home. So do his big strong arms, built up from athleticism and manual labor like chopping wood. they wrap around me, and I feel like I fit like a puzzle piece in his arms. His beautiful chest, I set my head on it and hear his heart beat and I can fall asleep, peacefully and escape the whirlwind of my thinking that plagues me regularly when my bed is empty. His hands, the way they slide up my back, and I don’t panic at all. It feels right. How they’re big, and I know that he could hurt someone, but they gently touch my cheeks to pull me into a kiss. His legs, strong and firm, that carry me when I’ve fallen asleep somewhere, lifting me up as he walks us to bed. His cute toes, his adorable feet, that he thinks resembles a neanderthals, but I think they are just my adorable husband’s feet. 

No one is like him. From the resilience in his soul, to the boldness of how he stands up for what he believes. How he wants to protect me, and care for me, take care of me and I let him. Simple stuff, like him making me breakfast or making me tea, I never would let someone do, but I let him and he’s happy. How we share the same witchy spirit, and love for people who need help. How he quizzes me on trees, can create a fire, easily, how he laughs is like music and I can’t help but smile when he does. The way he sees me,. I feel like he sees me. He holds my hand, and kisses me. He wouldn’t ever want to hurt me, and he wants to do right by me. He is my heart. I love him. I love the little snores he does, only for a little, in the middle of the night. The first time I ever laid down with him, he held my hand in his sleep. I moved a little, and he found my hand again. How he stands out in a crowd to me, how I can always spot him in a picture, even if it’s crowded, even when he was a little kid. I hear his voice, and I relax. I feel his touch, and my minds check out. When I’m upset, all I need is for him to hug me, and all of my emotions release and I feel free from the confinements that I’ve built for myself to stay strong. With him, I don’t always need to be a rock. I love that he laughs with me, and we dance around the kitchen. That I wrap my arms around him, and he doesn’t shrug me off. That when I’m doing dishes, he comes up behind me and kisses my neck. People look at him and think he’s intimidating, but I know he has a heart that is full of love, consideration, and care. He’s smart, and understanding, and he wants to learn about things. He lets me read to him, and he lets me give him foot massages. He’ll wear a football hat to amuse me, make me laugh. His deep affection for animals, how he treats things that will do nothing for him. He is the sweetest man on this planet. I could still go on for hours about him, I know it, but I’ll cut myself off. I love him.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

A few nights ago. Distance sucks.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? 

Maybe. I find it easier to talk about my personal experiences if I feel like it will help them. And if I’ll never see them again? Sure, what do I have to lose.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

Casey, you will always have my heart, and I will always love you, and I will always be your girl.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“I am not a broken girl. I’m a girl who refused to be broken.”

To me, I relate to this. I spent a few years wallowing in depression, suicidal thoughts, and so on. I was miserable. Eventually, I got to a point that I said to hell with people who were supposed to care about me. They weren’t there when I needed them, they didn’t want to be. So I decided to be my support, I decided to encourage me, and I decided to help myself and be happy. I taught myself to love me, to be kind, to be helpful because I didn’t want anyone to feel like I did. I advocate for people, and love. I am stronger. I refused to be broken.

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Pay off all of my college, buy Casey and I’s dream house, give money to our familes, donate to our camp, and save the rest.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dear Twelve Year Old Me,

I know you’re hurting. No one cares about you, it feels like that, and no one is helping you. You’re showing all the symptoms, but no one is paying attention. Can you believe me when I say that dying isn’t the answer? I know that’s all you think about, as morbid as that sounds. Your go to, is that. Honey, you’re only twelve. There’s so much to experience. You haven’t even met the love of your life yet, met the many amazing friends you’ll get, your beautiful nephew and little brother haven’t been born, you work hard, and people look up to you. You end up loving everyone and everything, life, yourself. I know you’re on the opposite side of the spectrum right now. 

But you know what?

Everything is going to be okay. You’re gonna be alright. 

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I wish I had more earrings, like two or three holes in my ears to make that beautiful contrast. I want tats so bad! I want one with Casey, and the rest to be natury and peaceful.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

“Don’t want to live as an untold story, want to go out in a blaze of glory” The Struts. I love this song, it makes me feel adventurous, and bold, to go out and get what I want. Live broad and follow my dreams, to make an impact on the world.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

-Christian bands

-more Christian bands

-Like A Storm

and I might get to go to a Panic at the Disco ONE!!!!! AHHHH. Excited.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I have a desk, my workspace is my bed though. It depends on what I’m doing. Drawing, I need space, same for writing. I need creative room to breathe. Homework, I do well with. Papers, I’m sprawled out everywhere.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

Well, it was my love interest, but that cat came out of the bag. :) Now it’s all good and dandy. 

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Casey (of course), Mckenzie, Dayna, Coline, Hal, Rachel. I’d want to go to a big city, unexplored before. Museums, tourist sites, dinners.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

Oooo, good one. I think my favorite is my doll costume, because I made so much of it myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Have sex with someone.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Very much so in love. Can’t get them out of your head. Everything they do, even if it’s minuscule, is fantastic. Want to be near them, spend all of your time with them. Everything they say is fascinating, and sends wave of adoration throughout your soul as it resonates with yours. Their touch is like a warm fire, perfect, and electrifying, and right. They are absolute perfection. Their smile could make you stop in the street. You spend nights, awake, tossing and turning to determine their intentions, until one night, you realize . . . you’re in love with them. And I decided to wait however long I needed to be with him.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Mocha, really. Mocha frappe if it’s hot out. Casey and Dayna. 

[islaland-blog]

This month, February of 2017, has completed 2 years that I left my country, Brazil! I had lived lots of new experiences and met so many nice people around the world and just decided do it a bit better from here! I hope! (:

In this time I have visited 11 countries in 3 different continents, collected lots of nice pictures and friendship! Hope you guys enjoy it! 

Who is me? 

Isla Grossi, I’m Photographer, formed in Photography at Universidade Positivo in Curitiba/Brasil. I had born in Paranaguá, a little and beautiful city in the coast of Paraná, South of Brazil (I know is “south”, but is still very hot there) I know you imagine Brazil like a big forest with nice beaches and everything involving tropical fruits, good weather, and now that I lived out of my city/country I can tell you, yes, it’s exactly like this!

My name is Isla cause my parents just love fishing, go to islands, and do basically everything that involve SEA, so they just decided put my name like this, ISLA that means “Island” in Spanish! All my childlessness was getting the boat with them in the weekends, go camp somewhere, and maybe cause of this I am like this, they don’t understand too much, but they know are their fault! :p (They understand better now).

When I was young I was always doing artistic shits around, like cropping important papers of my parents or school to do collages when I was 8 (Wasn’t nice), making and teaching some choreography for my cousins when I was 10 (think about TITANIC), and when I was 11 I just discovered my love for photography, my aunt had a camera and I was all the time taking pics with, I got my first camera when I was 13, so the 2 years between I get it I just got very intense “home student of photography”... 

Then I finished high school, lots of pression from parents and teachers about what you gonna be, my colleges were talking about medicine, architecture, engineer, and I was like wtf?? I just hate all them, so why am I here? What will I be in this life? I know this can sounds weird for you, but in this time I had like 16 or 17 years old, I just converted for christianism and try to discover more how to do that and how to “talk with God” I didn’t understand too much, So yeah I PRAYED to God show me what to do, cause maybe he knew more than me, and it was pretty weird but I just dreamed that night that I tried 3 different universities and one of them I was accepted, was really real dream, I don’t know how to explain, I remember a paper with the 3 names and DESIGN, so ok, yes maybe this is “God” talking, I did that, and I was accepted in one of them!

Studying Design! WOW COOL! nooo. The college was in the capital of my state, I was living on the coast, so yes, I traveled every fuckin day to go there and watch the classes, 190km, go and back, aaaand waking up 4:30am, cause that classes started 7:30am :D

nice

Ok, I did this for 1 year! and when I was starting the second year the first surprise apear, I was with a tumor in my boobs, and the lovely doctor just said that was fuckin big with the size of an orange! I was really afraid about this shit, I made a surgery to take this off of my body so I stayed like a month not moving my arms, and couldn't go back to the classes, was just impossible travel like that! I tried! really bad idea... hahaha! 

Same time, my college was opening a new course! PHOTOGRAPHY! AND! AT NIGHT!!! Was perfect! I like design but the best days of my life were always in the photography classes! I was wishing this so muchhh! So my boyfriend asked to marry me, we were 4 years together and living so well, he was my first boyfriend, I met him when I was 14, yes we loved each other, we did it, beautiful party, my mom gave us a house, we bought a car, cats, dogs, good money, good work, growing growing, getting nice equipment, thinking about babys... So I was finishing my college, whaat?? PERFECT LIFE!! We decide cebrate our wedding birthday travelling to the capital, I forgot my stuff of photography in home and was very sad about it, was a special moment! we just remembered about it in the middle of the way... 

Ok, the trip was nice, but I lose my prefer t-shirt in the hotel and went home feeling so sad about it, I paid pretty much like “50 euro” let’s say, and was almost crying in the way home, just because of this, cause I worked for that money and it was so bad... So when we arrived in home, my father in law was in the door, and my door was broken, I didn’t understand... We walked inside home, and I saw just my couch in my living room, and messy around the ground, what happened? What was happening? I run around the house looking for my bag of equipment and I couldn’t find it, my tv, video game, guitar, everything was gone! My house was robbed, I couldn’t sleep anymore, my ex husband was always afraid about me and waking up in the middle of the night worried about the house, and if happen again and we be inside the house? and if we work all the years again to get all the money to buy everything again in this guys come back? And GOD why that dream? I was not suppose to be a photographer? And ALL the years travelling to study? I was starting my last job to conclude the college, I was travelling Brazil with christian rock’n roll musicians... Was the worse days of my life... Me and my ex decided sale the car and the rest of our stuff in home to try life out of Brazil, my head was so confused, I think is still!! My mom, him, friends, clients, helped me to buy beginner photography stuff again, So I could work and buy everything again. I don’t remember what I was doing and how, but 6 months later I was in Ireland, with any english, anything and no friends, just knew 1 or 2 Brazilian people there.. I was desperate! I started the english course but needed like months to start talk something, so how to ask for food? and I had to work! 

One day I was looking for second hand shops and I found one pink shop very nice in the middle of the temple bar! I texted them on fb with google translate help haha, and I got my first job, in one week! the owner, Deirdre, was an amazing person! I think she don’t know how important she was in my life, she used google every day to translate and talk with me, I needed understand which pictures she wanted, after 2 months I remember perfectly she opening google on computer and talking with me, and I understood everything so she didn’t used fuckin google!!! haha I was soo happy about it! but same time, YES ONE MORE SURPRISE!! 

ARE U READY???

My english school went bankrupt and closed, so we lose all the rest of our things, the money from the car, the couch, the freezer that we sell in Brazil to study there, lucky us that we got the student visa fast! So we could stay in Ireland for the year! After 4 months I think I was talking english pretty good, but because of work and photo shoots, I met the best people ever there, in the shop just up of that one that I was working, so I started work there as well, 4 beautiful and crazy Lithuanians! MAgne Shop! Every Sunday I was there making photo shoots like the pics that I saw when I was 12, creating, doing my collages like when I was 8 years old but know really knew about, and dancing like when I was 10 but in a place like movies! People say that my head opened, but the true is that my read exploded! I started travel and look so many new things, I didn’t know what to do, I felt like I discovered what life is, so everything started make sense, all the shits, I still don’t understand but things happen because need to happen, same time me and husband where going very bad, going to different ways, I was discovering myself and living like I wanted and he didn’t lived the same, missing family more than me, want go back to Brazil, we married very young, I was 18, he was 19, we were in love this time, but I don’t know what happened with my heart and feelings after the rob... I just don’t trust more anyone, it’s hard to say, and didn’t want somebody suffering this with me, I wanted see he happy like me, doing what he loved like me, but he was always worried about me and make me happy, but I couldn’t stay there just smiling and saying thank you and trying to do the same back, but didn’t work, after that, something died inside me, and without this thing that died inside me I couldn't keep it! I really wish that he find a good girl for him, but that he do what he really loves one day and find himself! I wish all the best Renan! So I stayed my last months in Ireland single, but never alone! hahaha, sorry!!! But was the first year of my life single! no more here about it, blá!

OK!!! NEXXTT!! Yeah, my dream, Iceland!! I did my last trips before go back to Brazil, and Iceland for suuuree was the biggest dream of my life! I saw and photographed Northern Lights, amaziinng!!! Left Ireland and stayed 3 months travelling Brazil, didn’t know to much what to do about life, but divorce yes, so I did this, and I came to Portugal! In my second day in Brazil I was crazy crying to come back to Europe, I love my country but I few very unsafe there now and the way how a big part of the population just go really opposite about who I am and what I think, and it envolves religion, politics, and everything that you can imagine, my friend said to me that she had to options, come to Portugal or be a kind of “war woman” fighting every day to try put things in the correct place! It’s very hard to understand how the government do things there, is just unacceptable! I really hope to see my country better one day! I’m sorry Brazilian people for be so vulnerable and very physiologic shaken, I just couldn’t stay more! I know that what that guys the ones that stole my house did, were not their faults totally! I know they didn’t have the same opportunity than me to study and were not theirs fault! I know nothing explain a rob! But we never know....

So I came to Portugal, Faro, is where I am now! Almost 1 year here, now I started my residence visa! I arrived here with not too much money, was staying in my aunt’s place, I got my first job in a handmade shop too, Sardinha de Papel, started sale things from the shop from Ireland (MAgne) they were sending me stuff and it kept me eating! haha and I made few open markets in the summer doing henna tattoos! I didn’t know too much what to do about life, my money was short, the guy that I “was with” broke up with me, so I was very sad, what to dooo???? And that day, was drunk day, Pedro, or PEDRÃO, or MAGAS! found me very drunk in some street and tried help me, I know I was very lucky, and it never will repeat in my life, I promise! So bring me home, I hope I was not smelling like homeless in that time, but I was almost like that haha! Other guy helped me as well! Nuno, from The Backpackers Asylum Hostel, I started work there for change for a bed, And these guys more than helped me, Pedro got me a job with him in a bar, with contract, exactly what I need to get the residence visa and stay here, he teach me lot!  and yeah, More 2 months hopefully the visa will be in my hands, I did everything that they ask for, not so easy, lots of papers and months waiting for the papers, and now after almost 1 year in Portugal, they accepted! 

Well, the plan now is stay 6 months in Portugal, working, probably in the summer! :p I need do this to keep the visa! And the others 6 months, Ireland again? Australia? Eurotrips? who knows?? 

So I did this beautyy tumblr to put what all the years that you read right now made with my mind, be careful and come with me! ;)

#loseyourself

#findyourself 

PS: SORRY ABOUT MY ENGLISH! I STUDIED ONLY 2 MONTHS!