#buy shit for myself like that PLUS it feels like an extra special treat when i get them from them.

[forestryfae]

one really fun thing about having a mom and a dad like mine is that i literally cant enjoy anything if it isnt neccessary and i have to keep reminding myself that it doesnt have to be useful or a neccessity to be ok to have and that just because i CAN go without something for a while doesnt mean i should have to

like. okay maybe i CAN go the whole day without eating, or i CAN go the whole day with only one meal. but i dont HAVE to and im not lazy and fat for getting dinner even if i "havent done" anything that day. i dont have to do a million chores that day just to be justified in eating. i dont need to be completely out of pants or tshirts or socks or underwear or whatever to justify wanting a couple extra pairs of socks so i dont run out so quick, or simply not enjoying some of my clothes cus theyre uncomfortable to wear. i shouldnt have to justify that, it is what it is and i shouldnt have to feel like i NEED someone to tell me its ok for me to buy extra socks or more tshirts or whatever. and they dont HAVE to be uncomfortable or pretty. they can just be comfortable and i can just enjoy wearing them.

similarly i shouldnt have to justify having fucking needs and emotions. i simply hate living in my house, thats just somethign that is, and it makes sense, i shouldnt need to literally beg people to justify it for me cus i dont feel that what im saying is good enough. i shouldnt have to feel embarrassed and like i have to overexplain why i hate the house and why its miserable living in there. yes it "technically" has a kitchen that works and a bathroom that works and ive got a bedroom and livingroom and washingmachine, so it "should tcehnically" be fine but it isnt. its fucking old, theres a piece of the wall where the insides are missing, cold air is leaking in in more than one place, the bathroom fucking sucks and the kitchen is gross, its lonely, the backyard is a mess, the garage is literally too dangerous to be inside due to shit engineering and a big fucking cement block in the roof, and its gonna cost me more to fic all of it than i can ever afford, plus its in the middle of fucking nowhere and i have to take the train to get to the nearest city just to buy groceries and i cant go in the summer at all. i shouldnt have to indirectly beg people to validate me when i try to justify why i dont like living there. just because mom and dad doesnt fucking care when i say i hate it there

i shouldnt have to justify or explain why something upsets me eitehr, it upsets me and that should be it. i should be allowed to be upset. i should be allowed to say i dont want to be treated a certain way and immediately being yelled at and told im not that special and i should get off my high horse and have literally every tiny thing ive ever done be thrown in my face to justify why i dont deserve to be treated nicely.

also similarly, i should be allowed to just. like things. just because i like them. instead of trying to force myself to like stuff i feel like i "should" like or i want to want to like. instead of thinking "i dont need that" because thats what my shit mom keeps telling me any time i even look at something nice. i cant even point at a nice dress and say "i like the pattern" without hearing my little sister or brother parrot it back to me cus they learned it from mom. also, just because i CAN go a whole day without eating and be fine, just like i did involuntarily due to shitty parenting, doesnt mean i should have to. i can just eat when im hungry instead of continuously telling myself at 10 am that dinners at 3 and i can wait. generally after 4 hours i can eat a second meal of the day, its fine, i dont need to be literally starving to be able to eat something. i dont need to justify not showering with "ill shower tomorrow morning cus work or whatever" no shut up i want a shower now and i need a shower now and its the only thing i can think of so lets shower now. its fine. literally doesnt hurt to shower just because i want to. doesnt hurt to eat just cus im hungry or i want to. its fine if i wanna do laundry even if its late in the day and its fine if i wanna skip an activity cus im tired or sad. idk why exactly im like this but i feel like my mom and dad constantly belittling me or brushing me off or just straight up ignoring me and not bothering to do their job as a parent cus "i should just do it myself" and "well why didnt you just eat a sandwich for dinner" and "well why didnt you just do this differently" for every little thing plus me not being allowed to want attention or need anything cus i "already have" something else or im "nagging" them might have something to do with it

"why didnt you just do this" well for starters i was scared to cut my own nails until i was like 11 or 12 or something cus i thought mom or dad was gonna scream at me at the top of their lungs and curse me out for doing something wrong. i wasnt allowed to do SHIT and i was never told when those limitations and rules didnt count anymore. there was no "youre old enough to cut your own nails just be careful" for literally anything. there was just screaming because i wasnt allowed to do something OR there was "you have to do this now" literally overnight with NO prior warning or explanation. i had to start going to school and waking up on my own overnight cus dad just told me the day before school after summer vacation that i had to. like. my brother way 6, i was 9 and id never done any of it alone, i wasnt even allowed to cut bread on my own, and if we didnt manage to do it on our own we had to call him and get screamed and cursed at for the whole ride to school cus he was "going to get fired" and "going to jail" and we were "helpless" and shit. like okay thanks for that, YOU raised me to be scared of doing literally anything on my own and never taught me anything, he literally treated me like i just knew everything he knew. wtf was i supposed to do.

anyways shoutout to my parents for making me scared of fuckign liking or wanting stuff. or even trying stuff. i see people who willingly buy shit just because they wanted it and not because they needed it just for fun and it drives me up the fucking wall. other people can just. buy stuff. and they dont need to justify it, they can just want it. meanwhile i have the most deranged way or approaching how to decide if i want to buy something or not and its so fucking unhealthy and i dont know why i do it, i just do and its part of why i hate shopping with other people, i like the peace of just quietly shopping on my own and working on it, instead of trying to get second opinions from people or feeling like i Have To Buy Something cus thats how quality time w my grandparents and cousin was like when i was a kid aunt uncle and cousin visit grandparents for the weekend, dad and us come along to visit and hang out, we spend a large amount of the time either shopping for new clothes or toys or candy, quality time w family then quickly becomes Shopping Is Love, dad doesnt give a shit about me but will buy me a soda after ive been talking to my therapist at 13, now giving people stuff and money is how youre supposed to show people you care. fucking deranged

in other words, i am not a bad person for struggling, im also not a shitty awful person for not being good at money, and im not a bad person for wanting to sell the majority of my furniture and other shit so ill have less to worry about and ill have less shit i dont use or want or need. im not a bad person for wanting to have some order in my life.

but yeah im also not a bad person for wanting stuff or wanting to actually enjoy my sorroundings and how life works for me and so on

[sugarchains]

this accidentally turned into a FULL rant post about my students im v sorry if you read it

aight listen i gotta start

getting ready for bed

i called it while iw as at work-im not doing any work at home today. i was up unti 2:30 doing stuff

im exhausted.

and i skipped breakfast to be out the house on time so ive had to doubly eat to compensate and not get hunger pains (which i still ended up getting) 

(eating takes SO MUCH EFFORT MAN.)

HOWEVER, ive been getting surprisngly good with my grading right now and we keep putting stuff in. and just. i felt bad bc theres kids who have legit 3 in my class

like 3 out of 100? 

do you know how hard it is to fail my class? 

you have to literally do NOTHING to fail it. like no discussion, no photo analysis, you cant talk about the information, you cant make your own questions, you cant watch a video and react, you cant read a grade level document on your own, you cant think critically and respond to hypothetical questions

iont even do tests! like i have assignments that i grade as assessments bc theyre cumulative, but V RARELY do i do tests, because im on here and I SEE how students feel and I get that tests are boring and stressful

i can gauge if you know your shit with a written response that you had to cite evidence from better than the test with 20 questions can. i know you know your shit based off how mad you are about the information at hand. 

H O W E V E R. some of these lil assholes havent had teachers just. flat out fail them before? or like. push them to finish assignments in a timely fashion. or not give them make up work. or extra time. listen im REALLY SORRY that your boyfriend broke up with you or whatever, but this assignment was due in january. i let yall have the whole marking period to turn it in. i left the list of shame up on the wall for kids who didn’t turn it in to know. 

you aint handle your shit thats not on me. what am i supposed to do, chase down the nearly 100 kids who didnt turn their stuff in on time? NAH.

and when i call these parents tomorrow-these parents that i have ALREADY REACHED OUT TO SEVERAL TIMES. BY MYSELF AND WITH OTHER TEACHERS- AND THEY FIX THEMSELVES TO SAY “Well what are you doing to help my child” 

bitch, ive grouped them separately, they have perferential documents, they have assignments on their level, videos, music, laptops to do research on, checklists for the work, a video they can refer back to for the work, etc. at this point. in march. if they havent gotten it together, its really not on me-its on you and your own lil nigga

take care of yo lil niggas! stop expecting the teacher to do all that for you!

dont let your special needs services fall through for your child! because he will be treated like a gened student! i cant give him ther services he needs because YOU didnt let them continue his iep AND you LET ITRUN OUT

“oh he needs extended time.” in which case. should a supposed gened student, who is not an ell, doesnt have a learning disability, and has been born and raised in this country. be allowed 2 plus weeks to read 2 documents (both are image documents) and answer 8 questions in total-four for each document? 

stop sending your kids to school without pencils!

shorty got a WHOLE JAR OF COCONUT OIL IN HER BAG BUT NO FUCKING PENCIL?

????? HOW SWAY

HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE

STOP MAKING YOUR KIDS ENTITLED TO SHIT THATS NOT YOURS. I DO NOT HAVE TO LET YOU USE THE PENS THAT I BOUGHT ESPECIALLY FOR ME. IONT CARE THAT YOU LIKE THEM. YALL WRITE LIKE YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO HOLD A PENCIL PROPERLY. MASHING UP MY FELT TIP POINTS BC YOU WANNA DRAW WITH MY SHIT TCH

why do middle schoolers touch EVERYTHING thats not yours

AND THEN GET PRESSED! WHEN YOU TELL THEM HANDS OFF!

LIKE????! just because im a teacher doesnt mean yall can touch all my shit. you are entitled to 1. my attention for the time you have me and 2. a well thought out lesson, objective and activity. dont be upset when i tell you to not touch my timer

or my tape

or my staplers

or my glue 

or the construction paper

or the printer paper

or my folders

or my copies

or my KEYS

my cup of fucking water? (yes it is a cat. yes i know it looks like a sippy cup. why do you not see that you do not have to tell me about the thing i already own)

or my headphones!

whomst. asked yall. to be all touchy. half yall got sticky fingers anyway! taking my shit that i BOUGHT. AND PAID FOR. just because “oh miss but its pretty.” THEN YOU GO GET IT

GO

BUY IT

WITH THE MONEY YOU SPENDING ON ALL THE SNACKS AND FOOD YOU BRING INTO THE ROOM AND LEAVE BEHIND EVERYWHERE imma start eating their food when they leave it behind. actually ive done that before

[fauvester]

I apologize if you have been asked this before but do u have any fashion tips? I love your style so much it's so cute!!!!!! I lowkey want to be you but.....nbd. Thanks !!!

thank you so much, wow!!  I don’t have a lot of original fashion tips, I know, but I’ve thought about it and these are the sort of things I consider when i get dressed

I would say my number one fashion tip is just to commit yourself to having a comprehensive ‘look’ every day.  i remind myself that there’s a good chance that I will see someone I know when I go out, and even if I don’t, I still want to give off the aura of someone who has their shit together.  Even spending two or three minutes extra on arranging a cohesive set of clothing and doing up your face and hair will make a lot of difference.  No sweatpants or hoodies outside. Jeans have to be paired with a thoughtfully chosen top and shoes and even then I feel like I need to wear makeup to compensate.  Definitely no workout clothes unless I’m actually going to work out.  Leggings are an exception, but I use them as the most neutral option for my legs when I have a really Big Statement top and shoes and I need something unremarkable inbetween.  Having a set of inviolable mental rules keeps me at a certain level of effort that I can work with!

(freshman year I literally threw out all my jeans and t-shirts when I went to school so that I would have NO CHOICE but to dress decently. that’s the nuclear option lol) 

An outfit is an artistic composition and you can apply artistic theory to it as well as you can to a static piece of visual art.  Balance (as noted above), color theory, tone, texture and story are all key elements in a good outfit!  Not that I consider the ratio of trim on my clothing on a regular basis, haha, but by looking at outfits that I like on people and at vintage images and at myself, my eyes are pretty well trained to spot when something’s amiss - a hem’s too high, a belt’s too wide, the shoes are dark and matte and it doesn’t really compliment the lightness of the dress, and Please god strike me down if I wear rolled socks with a skirted garment.  Be aware of your proportions, physical bearing and skin tone so that you can apply your medium to your canvas most effectively.

Also, accessories are really helpful (in moderation)!  A good pair of gloves, a hat, some statement sunglasses and some really nice neutral socks can make an outfit.  Not too many unless that’s the look you’re going for, but enough to gently compliment the clothing and help pull it together.

Choose one or two pieces that you want to draw attention to and plan your outfit around them. Like, say i got a pack of really nice socks and I want to show them off>>I need to wear oxfords and cigarette pants>>all my short pants are low rise, so I need a shirt that will go over them>>one of 3 loose sweaters and/or a shirt and accompanying jacket>>>choose and accessorize to compliment colors and silhouette>>>finished basic outfit.  It’s sort of like a choose your own adventure, and having a starting point helps pare down your options. Fill your wardrobe with basic, unglamorous staples that don’t need a lot of thought so that when you find a wild statement piece you have a nice plain display for it.

Speaking of, i personally love neutrals...  I have a closet full of brown, black, grey, slate and navy. They give you a lot of options without a lot of thought. just buy a lot of dark colored outerwear

(I seem to take a scattershot approach to shopping. most people are like, buy 10 pieces you use the most and that’s all you need! bitch, please.  i need so many clothes.  so many. i might need this 50s white sateen sundress! it might be perfect for this one singular event!I NEED IT!!!)

Don’t be afraid to illegally download someone’s aesthetic... If you see someone on the bus and you’re chomping the flavor of their purse, buy that shit on amazon. the world is your sartorial buffet.

Try to hone a small collection of looks, lines and silhouettes that you like?  Not that you can’t buy outside your ‘look’ (i love my punk bomber jacket and wear it all the time) but it’s hard to match a cohesive outfit if you have 10 people’s aesthetics represented in your closet.  bell curve that shit!

Learning basic tailoring skills are a plus. Dry cleaners with seamstresses are, as well.  Getting one or two of your favorite fitted pieces professionally tailored will change your LIFE.  100% WORTH IT

If you don’t like it don’t wear it, that’s the biggest thing for me.  Some days I look in the mirror and I’m not completely convinced that I look and feel good in an outfit.  And i know that if i’m not confident in my own home, I know won’t be able to be convincing when I leave.  Like a painting, don’t be afraid to start over if you’re not satisfied.  If you don’t feel every inch deserving of attention and compliments when you leave the house, treat yourself and spend an extra 5 minutes making sure your look is bomb as hell. 

Find your own peace, I suppose.  I get an inordinate amount of joy and external reinforcement when I dress nicely, so I tend to do it a lot. If you don’t already, find something to like about getting dressed!  Make it a fun experience for yourself, get some nice coffee or tea and play some music while you assemble your wardrobe, make it really special so you associate it with good vibes.  If you’re more of a long term planner you can chart what items you have so you can mentally mix and match.  Follow blogs with lots of fashion pictures for inspiration and challenge yourself to incorporate them into your own wardrobe!

i hope i could help!  good luck dressing!!!!!

[myroadtohealthy]

It’s been a while. 6/7/17

So it’s time to get back into the swing of things.

Hey everyone who is still here (and thank you for not unfollowing)

There have been some major changes, and I want to say hello again and update on where I’ve been. Over the past couple years theres been a lot of ups and downs, but I think for the most part I’m heading in the right direction. I don’t even know where I left off on here so I’ll just go through the big things. 

I was able to get health insurance after years of not having it so I’ve been able to work on my health in other ways and get medication to assist me. I left my job that I was at for over 3 years after a complicated situation that maybe I would go into further detail on later. It’s not really relevant anymore because I left over a year ago, but it just happened suddenly and really switched things up for me. Just a really unfair situation, essentially getting bullied at work with no real solution. It was a really stressful time in my life, but I learned it was the push I needed. Ended up at another job that made me more miserable, left there and then was without a job for months, then got a job that was really physically demanding and ended up with injuries that I’m still living with, and all of this led me to where I am now as a pharmacy technician- which has been the best job of all the ones I’ve had, although any job comes with stress in some way. Dunkin is not a career, but I was there for so long because I’m a college student and it was comfortable, always got the hours I needed and I was good at what I did, but now I know that taking risks is worth it. It was extremely stressful with bills to pay and money dwindling, but I’m in a better place now because I left. This time really had me stress eating and just taking any left overs my family had and whatever because I couldn’t buy food. I left my routine behind, and gained a large amount of weight. Which led me back to here, because now that I’m in a better place I have to put my health first again.

The other major thing is being in a long distance relationship for the past 2 years. We were close enough that we could still see each other every week, but it was an emotional rollercoaster. At the time we met, I was working 3 jobs and only had 1 day off in the week, Monday. He was working and going to school, but also had Mondays off. I went to see him one day in NYC, and then after that he came here to me the next week. After that he was coming here to see me every week, and two years later we live together. It started with him coming here on Sunday night after work, and staying until Monday afternoon, so not even a full day. It was really hard being away from him all week. Slowly we started finding ways for him to be here more. He would stay from Sunday night until Tuesday morning so we got an extra night together, but we would have to get him on the train really early and I would go straight to work, and he would go straight to school. It was really hard because I didn’t want him to go and I would just be upset until he came back, and every time he would leave I would just be crying and it’s not a good look when you have to go to work right after. I would always be late and then when I was there I just looked and felt like shit. Then every semester when our school schedules changed we would try to organize things so that we could squeeze everything into a few days, and then he could be here more. So slowly we kept adding days to our time together, and then he was here half the week, and in NYC half the week - and just recently he moved in with me. It was just the most stressful yet rewarding thing I have ever done. Every single week I was an emotional wreck watching him leave, and between the 3 hours train rides for him and the thousands of dollars we spent on tickets, it was a lot. But it was always worth it. It’s been the most special time of my life and I would do it 1,000 more times if I had to. But I am so glad that he is here with me for good because the constant mental rollercoaster is settling down. All of the stress when he would leave would make me eat and then there was some ups and downs when the traveling was a lot on him and he was doubting our relationship. We’re finally at a balanced place, where as before half of our week was drastically different than the other half of the week and my drastic mood swings between happy and sad. Dealing with the work situation at the same time was tough, because it cost $100 a month just for the train to get him here. Plus my car bills, gas, etc. He helped me through all of it and was working extra to help me when everything was falling apart. And now we worked together to get my car paid off and we’re getting him a car now. Our relationship is really good, and he’s a really honest and fair person. He really loves me and its important to us to be equals and help each other with everything we do. No relationship is perfect but were happy together, and we have a unique story. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

This leads me to my next issue which is motivation. I’ve had a lot of self esteem issues after being a morbidly obese teenager who was badly bullied, and my biggest motivation for losing weight was to feel like I fit in in the world and find someone who loves me. I was really lonely before and felt like I wouldn’t find acceptance unless I looked a certain way, and felt like everyone would treat me differently after losing weight. So it kept me going long enough to lose 120 pounds, and then life hit me hard and that wasn’t my top priority anymore. And I really lost my motivation when I found someone who loves me for me, and I don’t feel like I need to do anything for anyone at this point. I’ve got my love, my best friend, and I don’t feel like other people’s opinions are important anymore like they once were. Of course this wasn’t my only motivation, I want to lose weight for me, I want to look and feel good for me, but it’s just not seeming like enough for me to get my head on straight. I’m having a really hard time sticking to a diet, my biggest issue being portion control. After so much stress eating, it’s just a hard thing to turn around. But right now my biggest stress is the weight I’ve gained back. No one is more mad at myself than me, because I know how hard I worked to lose that much weight. I notice a difference, my clothes aren’t fitting and I just feel bad about myself, and I need to get back to where I was. So after weeks of thinking what to do, I’ve decided to come back here. This blog was a huge help to me when I started it, more than I can ever explain. And I feel like I need some kind of community to always help me remember what I need to do and why. For those of you who I remember being on here years ago and are still at it- you’re amazing and I’m happy to see you. I hope to learn from you and to have the motivation you do. 

If anyone read this far, thanks for listening to my rambles. This is for me more than anything, to document this huge journey and be able to look back on it, but I appreciate those who care. I hope some people reach out to me because I could use the support right now, and I hope to be able to support you all as well. We’ll be seeing more of eachother!