#by god i am going to become the most femme femme this world has ever femmed

[dykeofmisfortune]

hateeee when ur venting with ur trans friends and they call u an egg 😒 like you're right i love you but guyssss don't say thaaat omg!

[whentherewerebicycles]

wow okay i am skipping the lingerie party lol and am instead going to just briefly jot down some thoughts before i go to sleep and wake up at 5 for my flight tomorrow morning. jesus christ i have ONE MILLION thoughts and feelings about this weekend. i want to preface this by saying that on the whole, it was a fine social experience! it was nowhere near as awkward or painful as i was expecting. or like, parts of it were painful, but it was 100% to do with my own complicated feelings about literally every part of this tradition and the wedding industry in general lol, and not anything to do with the people themselves. the other women were friendly and very welcoming, i made an event best friend who was wonderful company, and it was really fun to get to spend time with both my sister-in-law and her older sister, who was so charming and wonderful. i’m glad i came even though thinking about the $$ i spent on this trip makes me physically gag.

but okay i want to just record some THOUGHTS that maybe i will continue unpacking with some distance. i feel likeeeee okay here are my thoughts.

the social norms around femininity are just a fucking minefield and i feel like i really just gotta keep walking back the impulse to judge other women for the choices they make as they navigate around the manifold traps and snares and half-buried landmines that constitute the landscape of being a woman. like jesus christ. it’s so fucked up, it’s so fucked up, the received and socially enforced norms of femininity are just so fucked up. I think ALL THE FUCKING TIME of this margaret atwood poem i love so much, which was REALLY on my mind this weekend:

How can I teach her some way of being human that won’t destroy her?

I would like to tell her, Love is enough, I would like to say, Find shelter in another skin.

I would like to say, Dance and be happy. Instead I will say in my crone’s voice, Be ruthless when you have to, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it.

I feel like the first bit was very much on my mind throughout the weekend, but those last three lines have come to the forefront over the course of this last day, as i have tried to do some Thinking about what i observed/experienced/felt this weekend. whether or not this is what it means in the context of the poem, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it, expresses something of my complex feelings: I don’t know that I can tell the truth about femininity because I don’t know that I can see it. i am both too close to it/still emotionally entangled in it and too far from it to know which parts of it are ‘real’ and which parts are just performance.

i feel like one thing that struck me this weekend, in ways that i don’t know if i’ve noticed as much before, was that so much of the things women say to each other or do in these social contexts is performative, and they know on some level it’s a performance, but we are all going through the motions of doing and saying the expected things anyway. that has not always been clear to me. i have spent so much of my own life as a woman thinking that other women perfectly, seamlessly, naturally embodied the norms of femininity, and i was the only one (or part of a group of only ones) who couldn’t remember my lines, or kept fumbling my cues, or felt so painfully, self-consciously aware that i was playing a role that i could never deliver a convincing performance. but this weekend, after the initial social panic had passed, i started trying to get out of my own head a little bit and look for things that disproved the very strong theory i had brought into the weekend. and of course then i started seeing more and more of the little moments where women say one thing and do another, or profess one belief/conviction but then the whole corpus of their lived experiences and choices contradicts that stated belief, or whatever. and also just like, moments of pathos, where someone i had judged harshly at the beginning of the weekend offhandedly revealed something about her past that really changed my perception of her, or at least made me think like, ah god, i have to have empathy for and with this person, because i think she might be a complex person just like me, with an intricate inner life that her performance partially reveals and partially occludes from view, and agh, it sucks to have to think of people as complicated instead of as safely two-dimensional & easy to dismiss, and the reason it sucks is because then it forces you to realize that you share more with this person than you’d like to admit, and that some of your wounds are the same, even if you dealt with those wounds (the wounds of girlhood, or rather the emotional wounds that our culture inflicts upon girls, which then become tangled up in complex and painful ways with the lived experience of girlhood itself) in really different ways.

but also ugh. we are all performing gender norms but there is just something that does not feel playful at all about embodying conventional femininity. i can’t think of a better way to phrase that right now but it’s like.. the performance isn’t fun. it doesn’t seem to be fun. i don’t know that anyone here was having fun doing it, even if they were having fun being with each other. but it was like doing the intensely gendered social rituals was like, the price of admission? like it was the toll we had to pay to be together spending time in the company of other women? i don’t know man but it fucking exhausts me. like i can push myself to stretch my genuine empathy and sense of solidarity with other women much further than my knee-jerk judgmental reaction, but i can’t ever get to a place where i find any of those social rituals anything other than fucking exhausting. they feel so fucking joyless. they feel like things that many women have internalized as ‘things we must do in order to have relationships with other women.’ (please do not even get me started on how exhausting heteronormativity is i think i could write an entire other essay on how women use these bachelorette party-type rituals to spend time with their closest female friends, but the whole event is still implicitly organized around men, and these women’s male partners are still positioned as the priority in their lives, and the whole event is framed as like, a last burst of intense closeness between women before the bride is delivered over to her husband. like i KNOW that this is not how women think of it but all the RHETORIC of the bachelorette party, the little events and rituals and games, the little comments everyone makes all fucking weekend, good fucking lord, my jaw is so TENSE.)

anyway god i just AGHHHH. idk sorry this is definitely not coherent at ALL because i’m tired and still need a bit more distance/time to process some of this. i guess here is one last thing i want to register before i sleep. i am in my 30s now and i am living a life that is so, so far removed from the social world i grew up in. marriage is not a norm among my friend group, almost all of my female friends are queer women, many women i know are not partnered and have no interest in being partnered, and the friends who are in heterosexual relationships tend to be in very gender-balanced relationships or slightly nontraditional relationships where it feels like both partners have engaged in conscious reflection about what they want their relationship to look/feel like. also i now date women, am out as a lesbian, and spend most of my time teaching/working with queer- and trans/nonbinary-identified kids.

so like, the world i live in now is just so different from the world i grew up in. and sometimes it is easy for me to kind of downplay the intensity of my own gender distress as a teen and young adult, or to sort of - act like it was a phase in my life that had much more to do with me than with the social environment i lived in. i don’t mean ‘phase’ in a dismissive ‘those feelings weren’t real’ kind way, but more like, ‘oh that was just part of the normal growing pains of figuring out who you are and what kind of person you want to be as an adult - everybody pretty much goes through some version of that.’ it’s true that everyone DOES go through some version of that, as just like, part of the process of individuation in that age range. but also like. idk man. being back in this environment - straight white women from the midwest and south, all engaging in the rituals of heterosexual white femininity - was just so intense and so MUCH, and it brought back a flood of feelings and visceral memories that i feel like i will need to spend some time sorting through over the next few weeks. like, what i experienced back then really WAS gender distress, and it was so, so distressing. i spent the years from age 11ish to 24ish existing with this constant lowgrade baseline feeling of wanting to claw my own fucking skin off because my own gendered body felt like such a prison, and i sometimes felt like i literally wanted to destroy my own body because i could not yet conceive of an alternative to inhabiting that body or playing the role that had been handed down to me. until i started reading queer memoirs and inhaling lesbian media and (especially) reading about queer femme identities, i literally did not have an image or any kind of felt sense of what another way of inhabiting my own body might look/feel like. i literally could not imagine it!!!

and that is why the distress feels so distressing, and becomes internalized in such violent ways, i think. because it’s the blind, mindless panic of a trapped and wounded animal. except that you lack any real understanding of the larger social forces at work, or any language with which to describe or conceptualize what social norms are or how they’re enforced. so in your mind, the only thing you can see wounding you is your own gendered body, or the way that gendered body is socially 'read’ by others. and that is why you want to claw your own fucking skin off, just literally dig your nails into your own flesh and claw it the fuck off. because you can’t see a norm, but you can see your gendered body, and you can see the ways that it causes other people to react to you, or treat you, or hold you to a certain set of expectations, and so in your mind you are like: this must be destroyed. in your mind you are like, the only way out is to get out of this fucking body, but that’s impossible, surely, you can’t get out of your own body, so you have to settle for starving it and self-harming it and ruthlessly punishing it in a thousand terrible ways, because you might not be able to leave your girl’s body behind, but you can make it suffer and pay for what it’s done to you. 

i am old enough now, and have spent enough time thinking and writing about those feelings, to identify them when they arise again, and to get the necessary distance from them so that i can say, what i want to destroy are the norms themselves, and the distress they cause, and not the body that has done nothing to me but be me. so i am not quite as sucked under as i used to be. but i think that there is something about the violence and intensity of those feelings that i forget sometimes, or misremember with age and distance. it’s easy to be a little bit patronizing to my younger self (or by extension to my younger students sometimes), because i now live in a social world that is largely arranged in ways that minimize rather than intensify or amplify gender distress. but when you have no choice in how to arrange your life, and no language with which to understand what is happening to you or what you are experiencing, and no frame of reference to help you understand that this is a period in your life and not forever, and no models you can look to in order to discover alternative ways of inhabiting your body or arranging your life... my god, that’s quite different from being an adult with a wide range of experiences and with much greater autonomy over your own body and life. anyway idk i need to keep thinking but now i must go to bed and try to sleep five hours before the plane.

[bae-science]

it’s t-t-t-t-time for another newt bae-science fic rec extravabonanza! same rules, same boys, same bullshit! let’s get into it:

a beginning; a second chance by @dykesword

other newt and i have a long and intricate ritualistic battle to become the alpha newt, but i gotta give credit where it’s due. if you like to annotate your books for fun, this fic will give you a looooong comment you’ll want to write, and for good reason! there’s a lot of really well done metaphor and character detail in here, while still keeping a very soft, melancholy but with a hopeful edge tone. and also, like, the care and detail in which newt’s mental state in the aftermath of the precursors’ abuse is depicted is so so good, and delightful to read

husbandly duties by @kingeiszler

i am soooo biased with this one bc technically it was made for me but GODDAMN it’s good. this shit has everything: gottlieb trio sibling dynamics, vanessa in giant femme earrings, hermann yearning, newt and karla infodumping together, newt’s terrible and accurate gaydar, gay crime, the newmann dynamic and why it works boiled down to its bare essentials, pride and prejudice glasses touch, and neon green acrylics. required reading for the vanessaverse

Say That Again by @robertfrobisherslover

WOOF. if you like mutual pining and lack of communication from men with rocks for their emotional processing centers, and guncle (gay uncle) newt and hermann and KILLER artsy sex scenes, and themes of words unsaid in a story about LANGUAGE..... oogoogogoogouhufug. the writing style is clear and well paced, i LOVE little mako’s scene she’s such a cutie, and there’s like. a line. that’s a play on the whole “it’s always been you” trope. that lives in my mind rent free forever.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by @thekaidonovskys

i’m just gonna paste the comment i left on it here, because that sums up what is so absolutely incredible about this fic the best:

so sometimes you stumble on a piece of fiction that you add to your little collection of stuff you would show a person if you wanted them to understand a part of you that you can't quite explain eloquently, or it would take too long, etc etc, and i've never really found something like that for my autism until now, which, like, poggers. and i'll be as straight up as i can while still being the biggest lesbian in the great state of ohio (not a hard feat but alan invented computers so i love continuing on the autistic tradition of being a living miracle), the chameleon effect hit me like a mack truck. catholic school in the deep south is the most potent and effective form of ABA therapy imaginable :/. so sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i didn't have such a strong ability to pass, and here's where we finally get to the part of this comment where i just vomit compliments at you: you nailed it. you got it. i don't know if you're on the spectrum, but either way, well fucking done. trauma therapy research talks a lot about healing fantasies, which are fantasies, usually in the form of daydreams, that abused/neglected/traumatized/etc people create that directly address a struggle they have and take the form of a scenario in which that struggle is helped in some way. it could be an abusive parent repenting and showering them with the love they never had, or someone finding them during a panic attack and somehow knowing how best to comfort them without having to ask, or being intimate with someone and having a scar or physical deformity they've been shamed for be given attention and care. and i think you have created the ultimate perfect healing fantasy for autistic people, or at least those with """"high functioning"""" autism. it has a character who is visibly and undeniably on the spectrum having the pain and trauma going through life like that causes being acknowledged and validated, they are purposefully paid attention to because person b genuinely likes them and wants to understand and respect who they are and how they function in the world, and thus get The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known as well as the eventual rewards of being loved, person b makes a genuine effort to help teach them social skills in a way they can understand and learn through and is there for them when these skills are being practiced, their space and boundaries are respected but they aren't infantilized or thought of as an emotionless robot, and they receive love and comfort on their own terms not despite of but because of who they are, even specifically being asked not to change the way they are because that way is lovable. they are openly desired. writing is my fucking JOB and it's still difficult to put into words how much you got 100000% right about the dream with this fic. i have been in the EXACT and i mean EXACT same situation as hermann when he asked newt if it was his personality itself that made people not like him, because i deadass made a spreadsheet of all my personality attributes i thought could be preventing me from making friends in college, and then asked my fellow nd friend to see if there was anything i was missing. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that this amazing, and i'm bookmarking it and putting it on my next fic rec post, and maybe one day way way in the future if i ever get a partner i want to explain the whole autism thing to, i'm gonna have them read this.

The Facts With Newton Geiszler, PhD by what_alchemy (NSFW)

storytime: i read this fic a few years ago, completely forgot the title and author, and ended up thinking about the part where hermann admits to having fucked a trailer hitch when he was a teenager, at least once a week. last november, i say to my friend samara on twitter, head of the BSHCU (buttslut hermann cinematic universe), hey this seems like something you’d have read, do you remember a fic where... and samara says FUCK i do know what you’re talking about lemme find it. so if the fact that i have been looking for this fic for like, two years, and that it contains a moment so iconic all i had to say is, “hermann says he fucked a trailer hitch” and she IMMEDIATELY knew what i was talking about, does not convince you to read this... go back to catholic school i guess.

Feeling Blue by TempusPetrichor

fics where newt goes back to work as a biologist, especially a xenobiologist, post pru are really interesting, and usually have something neat to say about recovery, how it isn’t linear, how it often involves us returning to things we love for comfort, etc. this one sure does! some good emotional and physical h/c, LOVE the use of the ghost drift, and it’s always fun to see post pru fics use dialogue very obviously taken from dbt, trauma-specific therapeutical texts, and anything that shows the author has experience with, or did their research on, ptsd therapies.

You’re Everyone That Ever Cared by KlavierWrites

you know a fic is good when it’s an only 9k slowburn and still manages to reach infinite regress levels of are you fucking KIDDING GO TO THERAPY. newt “acts of service” geiszler may have a little misplaced misogyny due to his broken woman-centric gaydar. as a treat. the fucking. post-drift scene where hermann subtextually screams “LOOK IN OUR BRAINS YOU FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU I JUST HAVE AUTISM AND CAREER IN STEM DISORDER” is soooooo. god just hermann in general in that scene is great. if you like classic mid 2010s era newmann, ghost drift romance, and good ole mutual pining, this is a treat.

Baby, You're Hotter than my Bunsen Burner by SkySongMA

moronosexual hermann representation is something that can actually be so personal

Times of Stress by RadioMoth

the boys are processinggggggg. man what a good, quick and powerful punch to the gut. if you like post-pr1 catharsis and physical h/c, AND are the one friend that likes to comment at the end of the movie that hey newt got beat the fuck UP, check this one out.

black tea by @faggotcas

okay first of all, god fucking tier url, lee. second of all, food as a love language is my SHIT. i love the very slow relationship development here, where you see them making a genuine effort to get along and that in turn leading to feelings reigniting. it’s such a sweet little moment of a fic, with a nice atmosphere and tone to fit it

now here’s the part where i usually drop my latest fic, but i haven’t written one this month because i’ve been busy launching an audio drama! you can find it here, it’ll be right up your alley if you like cryptids and gay scientists and enemies to lovers and good ole americana, but since this is a newmann post, i’m gonna recommend the pacific rim audio drama duology i did a while back! part one is called conversations from the brink, and it’s a little slice of the pr3 we better fucking get from streaming that godawful looking anime. love and lesbians to everyone ❤️

[introvertguide]

15 Badass Movies for a Fun Time at Home or with Friends

There is a buzz in the air as COVID-19 vaccines are rolling out and the hope of having a movie night with friends is again becoming a reality. Watching alone isn’t as fun because I want to talk to somebody about what I have just seen. A full theater does not agree with my introvert nature because somebody screaming or laughing or talking on their phone will ruin it for me. Watching with a fellow cinephile or two is perfect. But what to watch first? People have been stuck inside, so fantasy and alternative worlds have been overly popular. All I do is talk over zoom for a living. I think what I need most right now is a movie about realistic people with realistic skills that go into a situation and just wreck house. I need a badass movie. What is this “badass” movie you might say? Well, here are some basic criteria: 1) There must be a tough lead character who kicks butt while spouting one liners and doesn’t need superhuman powers (high levels of peak skill with speed, aim, or strength is OK if they are plausible in the real world), 2) most of the characters (good and bad) must be likable, admirable or at least memorable, 3) the lead must face and defeat overwhelming odds against them, and 4) extra points for memorable one liners. Also, I am only dealing with human protagonists (sorry Terminator), but slightly superhuman opposition is acceptable. This list is by no means exhaustive, it is just an example of some badass movies. So in no particular order:

1) Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

To start off the list, I want to mention the most well known American badass. Indiana Jones is a smart guy with a gun and a whip. He is rugged and punches guys in the face. He has weaknesses but works through them to get the job done. Harrison Ford was in his early 40s for this role and had this tough-as-nails and seen the world kind of feel while still being young enough to fight hand to hand. Any of the first three films featuring Indiana Jones would work here, but this is the original and it started the fun. Easy to watch. Easy to cheer for. Great movie. You can’t really go wrong with any age or group with this one. 

2) 13 Assassins (2010)

This movie is extremely badass but not for everyone. This is one of the goriest films I have ever seen as 13 warriors kill off a couple of hundred soldiers and the evil leader that they guard. The movie was directed by Japanese extreme horror icon Takashi Miike if that means anything to you (hey made Audition and Ichi the Killer). The movie has gallons of blood, but also an amazing story of redemption and honor. There are tons of scenes of a single warrior taking on dozens of soldiers and managing to overcome. Not for everyone, but still very much a badass movie.

3) The Raid (2011)

This is an Indonesian action thriller with the word action in bold. The film is directed by Gareth Evans and stars Iko Uwais as part of a small police force that tries to take down an old building that houses a drug lord and his violent gang. It has a lot of what I like in badass movies: one-on-one fights between the lead and almost superhuman villains, long well-choreographed scenes, a banging soundtrack, ridiculous weapons, and ridiculous gore. The fight scenes in tight places and the use of the environment for weaponry is amazing and the sound design makes sure you can feel every punch. The lead character should have no chance, but he makes up for it with skill and being a pure badass. This movie is one of the few that I would describe as having non-stop action.

4) Jon Wick (2014)

When did Keanu Reeves become so cool? I grew up with him being part of the Bill and Ted duo. He decides to learn martial arts and play a god-like being in the Matrix movies and then becomes a one man wrecking crew? I guess he is a badass because he does it so well. Keanu plays a retired hitman who is wronged and decides to go back to work for vengeance. He just won’t stop coming and seems to constantly survive out of pure hatred alone. There are 3 films in the series and any one of them will impress. Pure fun too watch.

5) Casino Royale (2006)

When I was asking around, there were many people who thought that James Bond was the ultimate badass. I disagree in that many of the older films show Bond as overconfident with the assistance of many people. In fact, Q is more of a badass in many ways than James Bond. However, when the series was taken back to its roots with the last book that had not been made into a serious film and made darker, it reached badass levels. From the parkour chase to a poisoning to an extreme torture scene, this was not like any James Bond movie before it. Roger Craig plays a much colder lead who gives no quarter, much more like what the greatest secret agent would have to be. Heavy on violence but light on gore, this film is more for all audiences than other films on this list.

6) Desperado (1995)

What makes this movie is not all about Antonio Banderas and Selma Hayek. It is that every other character is memorable and badass as well. The street standoff with Bucho’s men versus El Mariachi, Quino, and Campo is iconic. El Mariachi murders everyone in a bar with precise skill. The rogue assassin Navajas with all the knives played by Danny Trejo. Nothing but extreme shoot outs and fight scenes with a ridiculous variety of guns and explosives. I think what makes this movie so amazing is that all these amazing assassins are incognito and, when they suddenly produce an arsenal out of nowhere, it is always a pleasant surprise. Quino and Campo are amazing when they bring their guitars. 

7) Pulp Fiction (1994)

Truly the role that made Samuel L. Jackson into the ultimate badass. He and his partner Vincent are hitman that keep running into the worst situations. The thing about the film is that everybody is so cool. The characters are cool, the music is cool, the dialogue is cool, hell even the diner featured in the movie is cool. The movie only spans a couple of days (in completely separate segments shown out of order) but packs in 7 distinct situations that are all berserk. From the mind of Quentin Tarantino, this movie is dripping with the best characters traveling through the best story. Highly recommend.

8) Leon: The Professional (1994)

Also known simply as The Professional in the U.S., this film features the debut of Natalie Portman. It is directed by Luc Besson at his best period, right between La Femme Nakita and The Fifth Element. The lead is actually a quiet hitman who reluctantly takes a little 12-year-old girl on as an apprentice to become a paid assassin. Her parents were killed by a corrupt cop and she wants Leon to help her exact revenge. He is an absolute badass and somewhat of a caring surrogate father to the girl. Unlike a lot of the films on this list, the premise is not simply kicking butt in a bad situation. There is serious character growth. Apparently you can be a caring parent and a cold-blooded murderer...and that is badass.

9) Kill Bill (2003)

Being a badass is not exclusive to men and The Bride is a prime example of this. She survives a shot to the head, kills deadly assassins, slaughters a gang, and takes on a crazy school girl bodyguard. She is tougher then any lead I can think of and she has the bad attitude and sense of vengeance that makes for a badass. Combine this with the soundtrack and beautiful cinematography associated with director Quentin Tarantino and you have a beautifully violent movie in which the hits keep coming. Even on this list, the fight scene between the bride and Gogo Yubari is insane. Also note the nod to Bruce Lee with the bright yellow motorcycle suit. Beautifully badass film.

10) Aliens (1986)

In nature, there are few things more dangerous than a mother protecting their young. A mother will fight you to the death and make sure that, at the very least, you won’t be able to go after her kids. Now imagine an alien planet covered with hostile beings created in the mind of James Cameron and Stan Winston and you have a setting made to create a real badass. In the beginning, Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is just desperate to survive and barely knows how to use a weapon. She meets a little survivor named Newt and then has a real reason to become aggressive. She and a group of marines fight through a station filled with super destructive xenomorph aliens made straight from nightmares to save this kid. The transformation is truly amazing and culminates in a mech suit versus a giant queen alien and it is extremely badass.

11) Army of Darkness (1992)

Far and away the funniest movie on this list, this is the third film stemming from Evil Dead and again stars Bruce Campbell taking on the deadites that were raised by reading from the Necronomicon. The opposition is the undead evil that faces the world which makes the violence very unrealistic. This was early work from Sam Raimi and features a variety of different shots done to the extreme. What really makes this film stand out is how Bruce Campbell is amazing at delivering a one liner. His classic quips have been used as fun Easter eggs in video games like Duke Nukem and World of Warcraft for decades. The quintessential horror comedy and a perfect example of a badass.

12) Die Hard (1988)

Apparently, I am a big fan of single characters that need to work their way through a building of villains using mostly intelligence and the element of surprise. Throw in some one liners and I am all for it. That is exactly what this is with Bruce Willis crawling barefoot around a 40 story building and fighting off a gang of villains. The movie also has Alan Rickman as the main bad guy and he is chewing the scenery. This is a great example of being a badass, but it is too bad that the follow up sequels were so poor. Definitely stick to the original and let the rest pass by.

13) The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (1966)

An OG of the badass movie genre, this is some of the best of Sergio Leone and the spaghetti western. Instead of one badass, this movie has three different leads that are all amazing. You have the good, Clint Eastwood, who is an amazing shot and a heart of gold under a rough exterior. You have the bad, Lee Van Cleef, playing an conniving assassin that will kill anyone that he doesn’t have a use for. Finally, you have the ugly, Eli Wallach, as a desert rat that will do anything to survive. They all gain information about a gold stash and need to work together to get it, but this creates a vortex of cheating, undercutting, and straight up murder. Clint Eastwood is more of the classic badass with his cigar, hat, and poncho, It is an iconic look on an iconic character in an iconic movie. That is what I call badass.

14) Ong-Bak (2003)

This less of a badass movie and more houses some of the most amazingly badass fight scenes that can only be described as badass. This movie introduced the great Tony Jaa to the western world and showed the high flying nature of Thai boxing and Muay Thai in general. The main character is entered into a street fighting tournament and the moves include a flying double knee drop and a full splits kick. If the whole movie was the tournament, it would be the best movie that ever existed. The variety of opponents makes the fighting even better and the cinematography is top notch. Tony Jaa is truly badass in this film.

15) Dredd (2012)

Not the crappy version with Stallone, this movie is seriously badass. It features Karl Urban who is helmeted for the entire film (as Dredd would be) taking on a 200 story mega slum filled with residents that want to shoot him dead. There is a drug dealer high up in the building and she locks down the entire compound with instructions to kill Dredd, who only has his rookie partner to help. He takes on random resident mobs, groups of gang members, and even a trio of mini guns that have bullets that can rip through walls. He has a smart gun with a bunch of ammo that he uses judiciously to kill everybody. This movie was seriously underrated since it had not been that long since the garbage Judge Dredd came out in 1995. The 2012 is a far superior movie, being much more violent and dark instead of having Rob Schneider as the comedy relief (not badass).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know there will be a lot of opinions about what makes a badass film and what movies i didn’t add. Feel free to add your own movies or critique my choices. I will stand by my choices, however, and recommend any of these films for a night of cheers and badass action.

[yolocorcega]

I saw YOLOTL CÓRCEGA at a coffee shop in MANHATTAN today. She is a TWENTY-FIVE year old BUSINESSWOMAN who’s been in NYC for [SIX YEARS] now. Every time we run into each other, they are always CULTURED & DEVOTED but I’ve heard people say they can also be STOIC & CALLOUS. THE MAN BY TAYLOR SWIFT reminds me of them every time it comes on the radio. // @villagestart​

TW: mentions of cheating, criminal activities, divorce and family separation below.

hello everybody you know me as g aka the mess behind the bigger mess that is alexander warren and i am here to bring you one of my favorite kids ever, my daughter yolo who, of course, is also a mess because i can’t write happy, easy-going characters. let’s get down to it:

HISTORY

CHEATING AND FAMILY SEPARATION TW: Yolotl was born in Tequila, Jalisco on September 15th 1994, the product of an illicit affair between her father, Gabriel Córcega, an important business owner largely known in Mexico and one of his employees. The impromptu news didn’t sit right with Marcela Del Valle, Gabriel’s wife, who immediately ordered her husband to disappear every trace of his affair before anyone in town found out. What no one expected was for Gabriel to already have a kid with the woman no one knew about two years older than Yolotl.

Gabriel, in dispair, gave the woman some savings he had and helped her disappear from Tequila, not without an agreement whatsoever: he’d get to keep one of the kids and raise her.

When Gabriel returned to the house with Yolo in his arms but no trace of his remaining family, Marcela agreed on playing make-belief and tell the world the little girl was the second child of the marriage. The family never spoke of this again.

She and her “legitimate” older brother grew up surrounded by luxury: anything money could buy was granted to them as the Córcega name grew exponentially during Yolotl’s first years of life, the family went from having a sucessful tequila emporium to become a brand: nightclubs, hotels, soccer teams and more. The Córcega marriage decided the best and safest idea for the two kids was to be homeschooled, since the family traveled a lot due to the various businesses around the world Gabriel possessed.

Being only the two siblings most of the time, since their parent’s schedule was quite busy, Yolotl and her older brother became best friends. He became her hero, taught her everything she knew and more, became the getaway to her biggest passion in life: literature. It was a hobby the Córcega siblings shared.

The day of Yolo’s birthday, the Córcegas woke up with the news that Marcela had left the family and had run away to Europe, asking the rest of the family to forget about her

Upon Yolo’s graduation, the Córcega clan moved to New York and she enrolled in Columbia Business School where she got an MBA in Business Administration. She is working on her PhD in Modern and Contemporary Literature.

While in college, Yolo met someone whom she quickly fell in love with and the couple married not even a year after meeting, against all odds and advices from others. The first few years were perfect,  Yolotl loved her spouse and playing housewife and was perhaps for the very first time in her life truly happy. During this time, Yolo started writing books she decided to publish as a surname, deciding she wanted people to like what she wrote authentically and not because of the Córcega name. On that, she succeeded, she became a renown author under a surname, a secret she keeps to date.

CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES AND DIVORCE TW: However that happiness didn’t last long (nothing ever does, does it?) Her father started having legal and health problems, her world was beginning to crumble which definitely didn’t help the already tense marriage which ended in a divorce after a little less than five years, leaving her heartbroken and on top of that, her father was in serious trouble with a criminal organization back in Mexico after refusing to keep working with them, something Yolo herself wasn’t aware of. Something else she wasn’t aware of: the leader of the organization was the man Marcela ran away with and was now threatening Yolo’s dad, alas he had to hide and

Another truth that was told to her the day her father finally decided to speak candidly before disappearing was the existence of her real family; the brother she had and her real mother’s existance, which left Yolo brokenhearted.

Before parting ways after finally coming clean about all the lies her father had ever told her and disappearing, Gabriel named Yolo the CEO of the Córcega company.

NOW

Yolo owns one of Manhattan’s most renown hotels and a rooftop bars which she tries to manage herself on top of being the co-CEO of Córcega Onterprices (a position she “shares” with her brother) and trying to deal the mess her parents left behind. She’s… a little stressed™

She’s still on the divorce process and she is having a HARD time dealing it, she views divorce as a failure on her part, even though she doesn’t show it

PERSONALITY

okay so think angelica schuyler meets blair waldorf meets klaus baudelaire meets belle meets angela moss meets fuck up.

workaholic. i’m talking 24/7, work, non-stop. *fucking u and answering e-mails on the side* type of workaholic

big nerd, lowkey tho. she has like two personalities, the work-hard, femme fatale she uses with EVERYONE and then the nerd soccer mom she uses only with people she’s REALLY close to

uses sex and every advantage she has to get what she wants so… totes a dom but likes to be a sub from time to time and has all sorts of kinks lbr i mean what?

CULTURED AF

has a bit of an alcohol problem (i sense a pattern in my muses)

she used to have this bitchy reputation before the whole thing with her family went down and used to take advantage of that but she’s really not a bitch unless… yknow… you mess with her or her family or her friends then lmao gl she’ll ruin you, she’s a bit more human now i promise

a true slytherin, lives by the words ‘work hard, play hard’

TL;DR: lowkey a v sad and lonely rich girl who’s dealt with a lot who can act like a bitch but in reality... is only a bitch if she needs to be. v ambitious, workaholic.

POTENTIAL PLOTS: 

older brother: the one person in life she truly trusts in the whol damn universe i mean... probably her best friend ngl (will be a wc on the main)

her husband?: they are in the middle of a divorce, about to finish off their marriage... or are they? guess we’ll never know. he’s been the only person she’s ever truly loved AND I WANNA SEE THAT i’ve never seen her in love i’m sorry

distant family? that could be fun

best friend: every girl needs a best friend they can confide in between champagne glasses and chocolate covered strawberries... she is very loyal to the people she ACTUALLY lets in i promise she’s a great friend

people who work for her: ESPECIALLY AN ASSISTANT OH MY GOD she needs that but ok, she owns a rooftop bar and a hotel so... barkeeps, waiters, chefs, hotel manager... all that jazz. she is also v loyal to the people who work for her ngl she was taught to treat the people who work next to her like family SO

enemies: i know my kid... 90% of the population doesn’t like her so... let’s play into that

fwb, hookups, one-side crushes, exes, friends, neighbors... the sky is the limit!

okay honestly if you read that whole telenovela… i love you and if you read what a mess i’ve created (it’s my true passion in life) and you still wanna plot with her… you’re a goddamn saint and i’m ready to marry you or plot with you so hmu or like this for that. marriage and/or plotting, whatever.

[fromtheringapron]

WWE WrestleMania XXVI

Date: March 28, 2010.

Location: University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. 

Attendance: 72,219.

Commentary: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Matt Striker. 

Results:

1. WWE Unified Tag Team Championship Match: ShoMiz (The Miz and Big Show) (champions) defeated R-Truth and John Morrison 

2. Triple Threat Match: Randy Orton defeated Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr. 

3. Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Jack Swagger defeated Christian, Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston, Kane, Montel Vontavious Porter, Matt Hardy, and Shelton Benjamin. 

4. Triple H defeated Sheamus. 

5. Rey Mysterio defeated CM Punk (with Serena and Luke Gallows).

6. No Holds Barred Lumberjack Match: Bret Hart defeated Vince McMahon. Bruce Hart was the special guest referee.

7. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Chris Jericho (champion) defeated Edge. 

8. Layla, Alicia Fox, Maryse, Michelle McCool, and Vickie Guerrero defeated Kelly Kelly, Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Gail Kim, and Eve Torres. 

9. WWE Championship Match: John Cena defeated Batista (champion) to win the title. 

10. No Disqualification Career vs. Streak Match: The Undertaker defeated Shawn Michaels. Per stipulation, Michaels retired.

My Review

WreslteMania XXVI is a difficult show to sum up. It’s a pretty good WrestleMania, but also one that happens to be all over the place in tone and focus. Perhaps its reflective of how indeterminate the future of the WWE felt at the start of the 2010s. The roster was such a mishmash of eras that you’d be forgiven of not having a clue where the hell the company was going. John Cena, Batista, and Randy Orton were at the top of the card after their rise to superstardom in the 2000s, but the spotlight was still shared guys who rose to stardom in the ‘90s like Triple H and The Undertaker. Then there was a new generation of talent—The Miz, Sheamus, Drew McIntyre, etc. — bubbling in the undercard who seemed poised to rocket into the top at any moment. But wait! Time was also given to  . . . the 13-year-old feud between Bret Hart and Vince McMahon?!? Suffice to say, with the show splintering off in so many different directions, it’s not surprising it has some misfires.

Let’s start with the good stuff, though. The main event between Undertaker and Shawn Michaels is fantastic and I’m gonna throw it out there that I like it more than their match from the previous year. The stakes feel higher, the suspense level feels higher, and there’s more of a story here than just Shawn needing to beat Taker. He puts his entire career is on the line here, for heaven’s sake! And speaking of his career, like many at the time, I didn’t have a clue this would be Shawn’s last match. Most on-screen wrestling retirements are never legit, so there was plenty of basis to believe this one would be no different. But alas, this one was different, and we get about as good a sendoff as we could’ve gotten for someone who’s been dubbed Mr. WrestleMania.

On another show, the WWE title match between John Cena and Batista would’ve been the main event. Their match here is great fun. It’s actually an end of an era for the two men who were crowned as the leaders of the next generation at WrestleMania five years earlier. Batista would move on to Hollywood shortly after this and, while certainly not his last WWE run, it would mark the end of his career as a full-timer. Interestingly enough, Batista was really coming into his own as a heel at the time of his departure, even winning over fans who previously couldn’t stand him. He would resurrect his heel run in 2014 and 2019, again only for a short spell. A shame we haven’t been able to spend much time with arrogant heel ‘Tista and his impeccable designer fashion, but then I guess that’s what makes it so special.

As for what doesn’t work, I probably don’t need to go into much detail about the Bret/McMahon clash. The basics of the story are solid — Bret gets his long-awaited revenge on McMahon, with his family right by his side. It’s just not super fun to watch in execution, however well-meaning it may be. They match is dragged out much longer than it should and it takes the crowd completely out of it. Another misfire is the Money in the Bank match. This would be the final iteration of the match at WrestleMania before it becomes its own pay-per-view. It’s clear the concept needs some rejuvenation by this point as it’s now a lazy, bloated affair where everyone gets in their allotted number of spots and there are way too many participants. To cap it all off, the ill-advised decision is made to push Jack Swagger into the main event scene, an idea which would run out of gas in a matter of months.

The show seems to have some weird pacing issues as well. In the era of the Network, I’ve grown so accustom to Manias being stretched to the point of exhaustion, so it’s always little odd to go back and watch one that feels like it doesn’t have enough time. It’s almost like it’s struggling to figure out how spread out time across a card so stacked. The tag opener and Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk feel like abridged versions of the matches we would’ve otherwise gotten, while Bret vs. McMahon gets more time than either combined. Even Money in the Bank feels somewhat rushed. I’m definitely not a huge fan of WrestleMania becoming a seven-hour event, and WWE has proven they struggle with time management on longer Manias, but this is one show where it seems an extra hour absolutely would’ve been to its benefit.

At its best, WrestleMania XXVI is a nice sampler plate of eras, even if struggles to give you equal portions for all of them. The multi-generational makeup of the card ensures there’s a little something for everyone and even closes the books on a couple of legendary careers. You’re bound to dislike some it but for better or worse, and this is a cheeseball thing to say, it definitely puts the “showcase” in the Showcase of the Immortals.

My Random Notes

No joke, I really did not think this would be it for HBK and even seriously thought Taker’s streak was in jeopardy. Am I a fool for thinking that? Maybe, but I like that wrestling conned into believing it in a way it hardly ever does anymore.

I feel like the temple entrance set is something that should’ve been more impressive than it is in actuality. They just stacked LED screens on top of each other and just rolled with it. It looks like something from Minecraft.

Ah, this show reinvigorates my fond feelings for Matt Striker. Such a handsome chap! Not surprising at all he would appear on a Bachelor ripoff a whole decade later.

I chuckled at Bruce Hart being the special guest referee for Bret vs. McMahon. You just know he huffed and puffed his way into that one, much to Bret’s annoyance.

I also chuckled at Diana Hart-Smith walking down to the ring with her best “evil, vindictive femme fatale on the cover of a pulp novel” look. God bless her. She needs to write another book.

I know Rey singing Happy Birthday to his daughter is meant to be a heart-warming thing but if I were a kid in the same situation, I would be traumatized. Just think of how uncomfortable it is when a room full of people is signing at you and then think of enduring that in an arena filled with thousands of people. CM Punk did her a huge favor by crashing the moment, as far as I’m concerned.

Not saying anything new here, but the whole Spear thing with Edge is cringe as hell and it’s for the best that it’s been forgotten in the annals of his career.

I know some people like to mock Vickie Guerrero doing Eddie’s frog splash, but I personally thought it was a sweet moment while staying true to comedically heel Vickie.

The official theme song to this Mania is “I Made It” by Kevin Rudolf. A time-period appropriate choice, I must say. I feel like the dawn of the 2010s is the only time a Kevin Rudolf could be a success.

I identify myself as someone who will always be more embarrassed by John Cena haters than Cena himself and I gotta say him posing next to the guys in the front row hating his guts is fucking hilarious. Cena is funny sometimes when he just straight-up trolls.

On the Legacy fallout: The storytelling for this was weird as hell. Am I the only who remembers that one time on Raw where they teased Ted turning face and the crowd was actually kinda into it? Then they completely abandoned it for whatever reason and just had Randy be the breakout face (as if he needed it) and dunk on both Cody and Ted at WrestleMania. I feel like Cody’s AEW origin story more or less began here.

Awwwwe, this show has little baby Drew McIntyre. It’s so interesting watching this with the benefit of hindsight. I remember a lot of people Not Feeling It when he was anointed as the Chose One, and truthfully I wasn’t feeling it at the time either, but watching it back really makes you appreciate how much hard work he put in to get to where he’d be a decade later. A lot of folks were dreading the inevitable Drew world title run in 2010. The title run did happen, but it was much later and much more welcome than anyone back than anyone could’ve imagined.

[anothers-trash-my-treasure]

Sing For Me

Ayyyy here we go!! Got this request a while ago and I am very excited that it’s finally done. 

Summary: Reader is a singer in a band who our dear boy Merriell takes an *ahem* interest in. 

Pairing: Merriell Shelton / Reader (femme)

Warnings: Ouf Uhm, smut (read 18+ only), protected sex, dirty talk, oral sex (f receiving), drinking

Word Count: 3.6 K (oml help us)

Tags: @r-ahh-mi @sherlollydramoine @txmel @moon-stars-soul @ramimedley @alottanothing @ramisgirl512 @diasimar (let me know if you wanna be added!)

~

The night was not panning out the way I had initially thought it would. It was a Friday night, which meant I was singing at a jazz bar downtown. We had a two-hour set, as usual. We killed it, as usual. And we stuck around after to have a few drinks, as usual. What was unusual, was the all-too-attractive man at the table behind us who kept meeting my eyes and smirking my way. I try not to look his way too often, but it’s hard not to. 

He’s gorgeous. With large eyes, the colour difficult to pin-point under the low lighting of the bar. He’s got a mop of curls resting on the top of his head, wild and frayed like he’d been running his hands through them to be anything other than a complete mess. A soft pout on his lips, parted ever so slightly. It seems like every time I glance over at him, he’s staring right back at me. And every time he does I have to pry my eyes away from him. I try my best to keep my focus on my friends, tearing my eyes away from the mystery man when the group breaks out into a fit of laughter. 

“What’s happening?” I ask, cluing back into the conversation.

“God, she's so clueless.” One friend says, smirking at me teasingly.

I narrow my eyes, “Am not!” I say, mocking offence, “About what?”

“About the fact that you and that guy over there have practically been eye-fucking each other since we sat down.” Another says, giggling as she glances first at the stranger and back at me.

I feel my face heat up, “Have not,” I deny.

They don’t look convinced and I’m about to open my mouth the try to convince them but before I can get out a word the waitress comes over and sets a new drink in front of me. I furrow my eyebrows, looking between the new drink and her questionly.

She giggles at my response and points over my shoulder, “Courtesy of that guy.”

My friends practically start an uproar, laughing and ‘oohing’ and shaking my shoulders. I buried my head in my hands in embarrassment from their actions. I look back up, glancing over my shoulder at the stranger. He meets my gaze, a smirk unfolding across his lips. He raises his glass and winks at me. I can’t help but smile, shaking my head lightly.

“Well?” a friend asks expectantly. 

“Well, what?” I ask, bringing my new drink up to my lips. They always taste better when they’re free. 

“Aren’t you gonna go say hi to him?” Another asks, raising their eyebrow at me like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

I glance back to the stranger, finding him this time turned back to his own friend group, “He’s busy, I wouldn’t want to impose.” 

Someone scoffs, “Yeah, I’m sure he’d be absolutely pissed if you interrupted their conversation.” They roll their eyes, “Just go thank him for the drink and if it feels like he doesn’t want you to be there then we’ll just leave.” They shrug, like it’s the easiest thing in the world to go and talk to quite possibly the most attractive guy to ever show interest in me. 

I contemplate my options. The thought of making the first move makes me nervous, but when I look over and see him and his friends standing up to put their jackets on, I can’t leap to my feet fast enough. I can hear my friends shock at my actions behind me, but all my focus is on him. 

“Hey!” I call, “Hold on a sec!” 

He glances at me, smiles, motions to his friends to go on without him and meets me halfway, fixing his jacket. His eyes travel up and down my body and a shiver runs through me at the look he has in his eyes. His eyes, that now that I’m closer to him I can see are an oddly captivating mixture of green, blue and grey. 

“I just,” I start, fiddling with the straw in my glass, “wanted to say thank you for the drink.” 

He shrugs, head rolling to the side, “Don’t gotta thank me, cher.” he drawls, stuffing his hands into his pockets, “Should be thanking ya for that performance earlier.” He whistles, “real good.” 

“Oh!” I say, pleasantly surprised, “thank you.”

His grin widens, “I told ya, you don’t gotta thank me.” 

I roll my eyes playfully, “Well, whatever.” I dismiss, “I’ll let you get back to your friends, I guess.” I turn to leave but his hand catches my arm. 

“Now wait jus’ a minute,” He laughs, “I’m in no hurry. I don’t wanna steal you from your friends but I do wanna get to know ya.” 

I stutter, my brain scrambling. I look back at my friends, seeing them giving me a thumbs up and begging me not to fuck this up. I look back at him, his eyes are trained on me, an eyebrow raised, waiting for my answer. 

Fuck it.

“I’m sure they won’t mind.” 

His smile grows, turning back to the table he had previously occupied and pulling out a chair for me. I smile at him and take my seat, shooting a glance back over at my friend group. They’re barely keeping it together, shocked that I’m actually going through with this. He sits, next to me, gesturing at the waitress for another round. 

“You don’t have to buy me another, really I’m okay.” 

He dismisses me with a wave of his hand.

“Here ya go, Snaf.” the waitress says as she sets the drinks down and I feel my eyebrows raise in surprise.

“Snaf?” I question once she walks away.

He smiles bashfully, “Old nickname, call me Merriell.”

“Y/N,” I reply.

From there on out the conversation flows. Turns out, he had seen our band play quite a few times over the past few weeks but had never been able to stay long enough to see a whole set and hang around after. He’s an interesting conversationalist. He’ll go from asking questions about the band and me to sliding in sly innuendos that no doubt make my cheeks burn. As the time ticks by we get closer, whether it’s from me leaning over the table to hear him better, or him leaning in to tell a story. By the time my friends come over to tell me they’re leaving, I’m practically on his lap, so intrigued with the way his accent flows over me and the way his eyes keep flicking down to look at my lips, watching with interest when my teeth dig into my bottom lip to hold back a smile. 

Somewhere along the line, the conversation does a complete 180, turning from playful banter to low whispers and suggestive comments. I can’t pinpoint when exactly it happened but he’s whispering in my ear, hand resting on the bare skin of my thigh, fingers trailing up just underneath the hem of my skirt.

“I’d like to see how I could make you sing back at my place.” 

It’s accompanied by a slight nibble on my earlobe and I feel my breath leave my body. My body moves on complete instinct, hand moving to cup his jaw, fingers framing his ear so I can tug him down into a heated kiss. He hums pleasantly against my lips, fingers flexing against my thigh while his other hand comes up, brushing his fingers along my jawline. 

When we break away we’re breathing heavily, noses still touching and staring at each other. He smirks again and I’m quickly realizing just how much trouble this man could be. 

“So, whaddya say? Wanna get out of here?” 

I nod, swallowing and clearing my throat before letting out the breathiest ‘yeah’. 

It takes us all of five minutes to hail a cab but the entire time we’re waiting, his hands are absolutely relentless. His eyes stayed trained on the road, his lips next to my ear, whispering into it while his hands dance up and down my body. When we get in the cab it’s not much different. He’s practically laying on top of me, hand gripping my hip, pulling it against him while he kisses me, slow, deep and dirty. 

“The poor driver,” I mumble against his lips.

“Don’t care,” he replies, teeth tugging on my bottom lip. 

His lips trail down my neck, sinfully hot, and I can’t help the hum of pleasure that rumbles out of my throat. The drive couldn’t be over fast enough. 

When he finally gets me out of the cab and into the apartment, the first thing he does is slam me against the door, capturing my lips once more. My hands find his abdomen, touching first above the soft fabric of his shirt before finding their way underneath to feel the lean muscle there. He exhales on a gasp when my nails drag down his sides, not hard enough to break the skin but hard enough to leave a mark. My hands move to tug on his jacket, wrestling with it until I can get it down his arms and thrown somewhere behind us. His hands, between grabbing my hips and pulling them against his, work my jacket off as well. He lets it drop behind me and then he’s grabbing my hips again, tugging me forward as he starts to maneuver us throughout the apartment.

He leads us down a hallway, halfway down becoming too impatient and pressing me against a wall. He presses against me, moaning urgently and a wave of confidence moves through me. I bit his lip harshly and push him to the other side of the hallway, his back hitting the wall with a soft ‘thump’. He looks at me with heated eyes, mouth dropped open in shock. He watches me intently as I grip the hem of my shirt and pull it over my head, tossing it at him. His mouth tugs into a smirk, his eyes taking in my newly exposed skin as I walk towards him. My hands fall to his sides, fingers dancing over the skin as I press myself up against him. 

“Feisty,” he growls, leaning down to kiss me again. His hands find my ass, gripping it tightly and using the momentum to grind our hips together. 

“Bedroom,” I mumble.

He hums in agreement, hands moving to my hips again to guide me into the bedroom. He kicks the door shut behind him and I wonder briefly if he has roommates. But the thought is gone as soon as it came when he pushes me away to tug his shirt up and over his head. 

We stand there, breathing heavily while we look at each other. He’s all lean muscle and tanned skin that longs to be marked up. The outline of his hard cock visible through his light-washed, worn-out jeans. The air between us is warm, sexual tension crackling like electricity in the open space. Without breaking eye contact, I reach behind me, pulling the zipper of my skirt down and letting the fabric fall to my feet. He swallows heavily, eyes scanning over me as his hands reach down to start unbuckling his belt. I walk towards him, hands covering his to take over his actions. His lips capture mine, hands moving to my upper arms, just resting there while I work his belt off and start on his button and zipper.

Instead of letting him tug them off, my hand works it’s way into the loosened fabric, letting my fingers glide over his length through his briefs before palming him. His hips twitch against my hand, rocking steadily. He moans softly against my lips, fingers gripping my arms tightly. My fingers flex around his clothed length and suddenly he’s pushing me back on the bed, discarding his pants and boxers behind before crawling up the bed to me.

“Drivin’ me fuckin’ crazy,” he growls, lips trailing up my chest and neck, sucking deep red marks as he goes. My legs wrap around his waist, moaning excitedly when I feel his cock drag against my still clothed pussy. 

His hands work first on my bra, unclasping the back and pulling back just enough that I can throw it across the room, hearing it hit a wall somewhere off to my left. They then work their way down my body, fingers trailing down my breasts, my stomach before finally resting against my mound. I whine, feeling his fingers start to rub against my clit over the thin fabric.

“So wet already, cher.” He moans, “Wanna taste you, ya gonna let me?”

I can’t nod fast enough, desperate to see what his mouth is capable of. He moves down my body, sucking, licking and biting wherever he sees fit. By the time he gets to my clothed heat, I’m near panting for it. From his place in between my thighs he stares up at me, eyes heated and teasing as he leans down to place a soft, teasing kiss to the fabric. My hips twitch slightly, anticipating his every move. His tongue comes out to lick a hot stripe up my heat, flicking at my covered clit with the tip of his tongue. And then he’s finally rolling my panties down my leg, his lips finding my heat as soon as they’re out of the way. 

His arms wrap around my thighs, holding my hips still while he runs his tongue between my folds. It’s warm and wet, alternating between dipping it in and out of my heat and flicking it against my clit. My hand finds his hair, gripping his curls between my fingers and guiding his movements ever so slightly. His eyes don’t leave mine, spare for the few times he closes them to moan against me. 

I can feel myself getting closer, my hips rolling against his tongue, chasing the pleasure he’s giving me. One of his hands move, leaving its place at my hip to sink two fingers into me. My head falls back on a moan, back arching up when he crooks his fingers and finds my g-spot.

“Fuck,” I gasp, free hand gripping the pillow behind my head. I can feel myself on the edge of relief, I try to move his head away, “stopstopstop, I’m gonna..” 

He stays stubbornly where he is, barely pulling away to utter the words “want you to cum on my tongue.” and just like that, I’m done. My eyes roll back, back arching and thighs clenching around his head as I moan out his name. My orgasm passes in waves, body jerking when he continues to lick and suck at me.  

When he finally pulls away, my legs fall to the bed, limp and shaky as I try to catch my breath. His fingers dance across my thighs, laughing lightly when my muscles twitch due to the light tough. I run my hands through my hair, looking down at him with wonder. 

“Good?” He asks, the damned smirk painted over his lips, still wet with my arousal. 

“Could say that.” I giggle, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him up my body to catch his lips in a kiss. My tongue slips into his mouth, moaning at the taste of myself I find there. 

His hands slide up my waist to cup my breasts, thumbs sliding over my nipples teasingly. I shiver in response to his light touch, sparks of pleasure radiating from it. He huffs, amused at my reaction. One hand trails back down my body, moving down to grasp my thigh and hoist it over his hip. 

“Gonna let me fuck you?” he asks against my lips and just the fact that he’s asking is so hot that my breath leaves my body again. 

“I’d let you do anything to me,” I reply. 

He groans, capturing my lips in a deep kiss as he does so. He pulls away to reach into his bedside table, grabbing a condom and leaning back on his haunches to roll it on. From my spot on the bed, legs framing his hips loosely, he looks almost god-like. The low lamplight of the room colours his skin near golden. I run my eyes down his body, from his shoulders, down the planes of his stomach, down the trail of dark hair on his lower abdomen that leads down to his cock that stands out, long and proud against the thatch of hair there. I watch him roll the condom on, his fingers working to get the latex where it needs to be and I shudder at the sight of them. Long and deft and I can still feel the ghost of them inside of me.

Finally, he grabs my legs, wrapping them around his waist and leaning down to brace himself against the bed, “Ya ready to sing for me?” 

A slight nod of my head is all it takes for him to push into me. The feeling of him stretching and filling me has me arching up into him, fingers gripping his biceps tightly. His mouth drops open on an exhale, the corner of his mouth tugging into a smirk. 

“Shit,” he moans, “Fuck, that’s good.” he moans, hips flush against mine. He sits there for a second, and every moment that passes without movement has me growing more and more impatient. I open my eyes, not remembering closing them in the first place and look up at him. He has a teasing smirk painted across his face, eyes alive and playful. 

I open my mouth to playfully chastise him, it’s rude to make a girl wait, but before I can say anything, he’s pulled his hips back and slammed them forward, a moan ripping its way out of my throat before I can stop it.

“Tha’s it,” he breaths, keeping a slow, but firm, tempo, “Sing for me, baby.” 

I find myself unable to deny him and I’m moaning, a breathy sound escaping me at the end of every thrust. He shifts onto his elbow, one hand moving to grip my hip so he can pull me back to meet his thrusts. His fingers dig into the bone near painfully, but the dull pain swirls into the pleasure so good that I can’t find it in me to be too upset about the bruises I know are going to be there tomorrow. 

His head is tipped down, lips brushing over the skin of my neck. If he’s not sucking and nipping at the sensitive skin he finds there he’s breathing against it heavily, soft moans and whines peppering his breaths. His thrusts pick up, and as the pleasure builds the reins of his voice loosens. 

“Christ,” he grits out, head falling back and straightening his back out. His hands moved to my hips, tightening their hold, “Got me so goddamn worked up...” he trails off, pulling my hips back roughly to meet his. I cry out at the angle this position gives us, his cock dragging against the front of my walls. My hands grip the bed sheets on either side of my head as it rolls to the side.

“Such a nice pussy,” he continues, his words making my ears burn but sending heat down my spine all the same. 

If he was attractive before, he’s absolutely gorgeous now. A sheen layer of sweat covers his skin, making him near grow in the lighting of the room. His muscles straining from their movements, jaw dropped in a pleasure so good it’s painful. His hair is wild, wet at the temples from the effort of his actions. My hands grip his forearms, nails digging into the skin there as I feel myself getting closer once more. 

“Fuck, Merriell,” I moan, meant to be a warning. 

“God, you sound so pretty, moanin’ my name like that,” He groans, eyes rolling back in his head briefly, “Say it again.” 

“Merriell,” I whimper, pleasure climbing and back arching. My muscles clench involuntarily around him, fluttering as a signal for what’s to come. 

“Shit, are you gonna-” 

He doesn’t get to finish the question, my body snapping, arching into his as my second orgasm rips through me, his name ripped from my throat in a near scream. My pleasure only spurs him on, swearing under his breath as his thrusts pick up. He’s still talking, mumbling as his head tips back, slowly as his pleasure climbs, but I’m not sure if it’s even English at this point. 

“God, fucking Christ-” he huffs, each word punctuated with a hard thrust. He gives one last hard thrust and he’s done for. His hands grip me tighter, teeth gritted tightly as he groans through them, hips grinding their way through his own orgasm. It rolls over him, hips thrusting shallowly to draw out the pleasure as much as he can, whimpering lowly with each wave. 

He collapses over me, resting on his elbows as he attempts to catch his breath. My hands come up to rest on his sides, feeling his ribs expand with each panting breath. His lips find mine again, kissing me sloppily, forehead pressed against mine like he just doesn't have the energy to keep it elevated himself. 

He pulls out once we’ve both caught our breath, taking a second to deal with the condom and toss it in the trash can beside the bed before collapsing beside me. The silence that follows isn’t uncomfortable, surprisingly, it’s quite comfortable.

“I don’t usually do things like this,” I say quietly, he turns his head to meet my gaze, “but am I ever glad I did tonight.”

He grins, laughing quietly and nodding in agreement.

“So are you kicking me out?” I ask after a few more minutes. 

He laughs again, wiggling an arm under my waist to drag me closer to him, “Nah.” he says, “I’m not done with ya yet.

~

Consent is hot, guys.

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 5

As usual I'm going to put all my reactions and live-blogging in this one post to avoid spamming.

1962, Cape Canaveral

So Pogo is from Congo?

Wait, is that Grace? is Grace some sort of biologist or scientist?

Is Pogo supposed to be one of the chimps for the space program?

I love this song. Oh look, there's Reggie!

Oh, that nod between Reggie and Grace... What are they up to?

Yep, definitely the space program.

Little astronaut Pogo... Wait, what's happening?

Who's the shady guy in the sunglasses behind Reggie?

Aww, poor Pogo...

SO THAT'S WHERE THE SERUM USED ON LUTHER CAME FROM! I figured but it's still interesting to see the origin.

Oh, there's the ancient Greek! Did Reggie read to the kids like this too? I doubt it but one can hope.

So Reggie and Grace basically treated Pogo like their child... And Reggie was actually a decent parent... ? Dude, you couldn't do that for your actual kids?!

Wait, does this make Pogo the seven's big brother? 😆

And there's the Magnificent 12. Oh, Pogo's drawing is so cute.

Five really is onto Lila... and he's right!

Diego onto Lila as well!

Hungover Klaus 😅 and Ben asking what we all want to know but it comes from a place of love and concern. Still sassy though.

Why won't Klaus just tell Allison that he is talking to Ben? Also, cowboy? Is that a comic reference? Or just a Texas reference?

Oh, I love Ben and Klaus banter. XD

Klaus does have a point, Allison.

*Allison throws the flask away* Ben: "attagirl!" Allison: "i have a blender and some much better booze" *cue Ben sulking*

"I love you so much!" Awwww, Klaus-Allison bonding! ❤️❤️❤️ this show is really giving me everything I want, huh?

Sissy and Vanya in bed together 👀😏 that's hot.

So she brought her coffee and then took the coffee away? XD

Is Vanya offering to take Sissy to the future? 👀

Oh no, Carl!

They have a point, Five. Everything starts taking apart at soon as you arrive. Repeatedly. I actually pointed this out yesterday.

You're burning the eggs, Luther.

"That boy stinks" poor Luther 🤣

Where exactly was Luther going? Chicago? Detroit?

Wait, is that the academy pre-academy? Wait, so it's not in Texas??? Then what about Argyle? What the hell? I'm so confused now. 😵

Luther, you need a bath.

Reggie in a party xD that must be an odd sight for Luther.

"The world's never going to end in such a cliché. Believe me. I know how endings feel" -what does it mean???? Does it mean he knows how the world ends? Or does it mean politically as a member of the 12? Is it a double entendre? Foreshadowing? Does he have some sort of prescient power?

Still want to know who the shady guy in the shades is.

"No, you're not" "no, you're not" "no, i didn't" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

"I have a deep dislike of children" -yeah, we been knew. 😒😒😒

"your grotesque simian proportions"??? Those are entirely your fault, Reginald! 😠

"But...i took a bus" - oh, honey... Luther, you adorable, naive, sweet, innocent, awkward little dork... Let me hug you, i don't care if you stink! 😢

Man, Reginald is still such an asshole. (I'm glad for that though, I was afraid this season would try to play the 'he wasn't really so bad, just misunderstood' card and that would piss me off, you can show him actually caring for the children but no excusing goddamn child abusers in this house!)

"At least he didn't shank my ass" "no, bro, he shanked your heart" -awww, dudebro affection. Diego does have a sensitive side!

I didn't realize i needed Luther-Diego bonding this badly but i do. I really, really, really do.

"It's time to get the umbrella academy back together." "hell yeah, family meeting." -since when is Diego so happy to get the family together? 😆

But hell yeah, let's get the family back together!!!

"you two still a thing? Do we need to talk?" (Diego's face though 🤣) "no, she's married." "Whoa, dude. That's rough."

Diego is the new Zuko, it all lines up!

"I can handle it" he nervous chuckles while stress eating in a stolen robe, after ruining his own life and getting in trouble with the mob and getting high.

"can you get Vanya without, uh, squeezing her to death?" - ouch 🤣

I'm loving the boys bonding.

Yikes, Sissy looks so uncomfortable with Carl...

"Harlan doesn't care" -oh, he does, he reeeeally does, you just can't read the signs, you clueless dumbass.

Oh, the powers... Oh, Harlan initiating touch with Vanya! Boy is more perceptive than they think.

Why does Sissy look so scared?

Sissy's reactions to Carl have been suspicious from the start. She's given a lot of red flags (the anxiety, the body language, the hoarding money in secret, the reluctance to speak up, the desperation to keep Vanya near her at all times, etc) and I've wondered if he's been abusive but he seems more pathetic than purposely malicious, he even showed vulnerability and admited to loving her and fearing that she doesn't feel the same, so I was starting to think Sissy's fear and paranoia had more to do with a fear of Carl leaving her (and thus taking away the only income and leaving her and Harlan with nothing).

However, I'm rethinking things and I'm starting to suspect abuse again (at least psychological, if not physical)... I think the only reason we don't see it yet is because Vanya is there and Carl won't act out on front of a witness.

I could totally be wrong though, I could be seeing signs that aren't there because of my own issues. We'll see.

Is... Is Handler actually a good mother?

Nevermind, she's gaslighting.

But she cares enough to give first aid and admit she lied so... Definitely a better parent than Reginald at least. I actually want her to be a decent parent, I'm tired of the narrative where villains all have to be abusive parents, villains can love too and that makes the story so much more complex and dramatic when people finally have to choose sides.

Felt, Diego's knife... what is she up to?

Sandpaper, steel wool, round metal parts, skewers, spray lubricant, and something cylindrical with the name of a plumbing service? Is she making pneumatic canisters? The ones the Commission uses to send messages?

Also, what's with Commission training and using plumber stuff? Five also used a plumbing company's van in season 1.

Elliot really likes Jell-O, huh? Very 50s housewife of him.

"how are feeling?" "Pretty shitty, to be honest" "Where would you say you are on a scale from one to ending all life on this planet?" 🤣🤣🤣 They are never going to let her live this down, are they?

I need more Vanya-Diego bonding. ❤️

Diego accepted Vanya's apology???😲 AWWWWWWWW 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Diego about to ask girl advice from his sister? So cute, why did they interrupt, I wanted to see that! 🥰

I miss Diego's nervous stutter though.

"you don't speak French" -doesn't he? If Allison can read seven languages, logically so can all the others, right? And Klaus is constantly using French and German, how are you telling me he doesn't know French? 😆

"did we all get sexier?" -pretty much and you're not done yet.

Aww, awkward Vanya-Allison hug... Let them bond! 💖💖💖

Klaus and Diego hugging!!! And Diego calling him out on being drunk like the overprotective brother he is 💖💖💖

Klaus hugging the girls! 💖💖💖

So much love. So much growth since all the bitterness from season 1. I NEED MORE OF THIS, DAMN IT!

Who knew it took Vanya snapping and killing everyone for this family to finally bond?

OH COME ON, KLAUS! Just tell them poor Ben is there, that's so mean.

Ah! Allison and Diego with pure sibling banter. 💖

What is with the Handler family and red shoes?

Handler's style changed a bit, went from retro femme fatale on s1 to matronly debutante in s2... Interesting.

Don't hurt the kitty, you bitch! 😡

The Swedes have become crazy cat people. I'm starting to love these weirdos.

Is that their mama?

Pneumatic tube! CALLED IT!

Ah, I see. That's why she wanted Diego's knife. The Swedes are getting set up.

"oh my God, again?" ... "all of you knew? Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the-- oh, my God. My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five, I told them we had until 2019!" -that's why you're the last one, Klaus, your priorities.

"is it Vanya?" "Klaus!" "What? It's usually Vanya." - one time. you end the world ONE TIME and nobody ever let's you live it down.

"find dad" "kill dad" -well, Diego learned from Five *shrugs*

"has anyone here done anything to screw up the timeline?" -literally everyone except you, Vanya.

( well, unless saving Harlan with your magic lights messed up the timeline...)

Yup, here they go calling each other out. Hilarious 🤣🤣🤣

"THANK you" - I love Ben 💙

Diego, you idiot, saving Kennedy is what wrecks everything! Stop being stubborn.

Aww, traumatized Five... Please just listen to him, he just wants to save you all because he loves you 😢

Five deserves more love from the family. PLEASE.

Wow, Luther is reeeeally bitter about daddy, huh? What is Lila doing?

"I've missed you all... So much" BEN! 😭😭😭😭😭

Ok, now I'm crying.

Klaus, let your brother talk to the rest of the damn family, he misses them! 😭😭😭😭

Yay, more Luther-Diego bonding!

"since the last time I destroyed the world by overestimating my own importance" -I'm so glad he owns up to this, it's very important but he needs to get over his self-hate and gain some confidence again.

Diego, stop acting like you don't have daddy issues, you are riddled with them.

Diego's hero complex again... Which comes from the daddy issues. Luther is right.

"you are so goddamn big that sometimes I forget what a sensitive bastard you are." 🤣🤣🤣 He's absolutely right!

Brotherly bonding ftw!

Oh, they got daddy's attention!

AHAHAH! Allison bitching and rambling while doing Klaus's hair, Vanya miming shooting the bottles ("pew pew" 🤣). I'm sorry but this whole scene is adorable as fuck.

Girl's day!

"wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot?" 🤣🤣🤣 Klaus asking the real important questions here!

Vanya confused by the Luther/Allison crush 🤣 "aren't we all related?"' -yes, honey, that's why it's weird.

"if you have to use the word 'technically' you're already in trouble" -THANK YOU, KLAUS!

Klaus's ENTIRE speech about their love lives is the most perfect thing EVER 🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌💯💯💯

Really alarmed Vanya finding out she dated a serial killer: "what?!" / Allison, whispering casually: "Later." 🤣

"the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin." 😂😂😂😂😂 The best part is- HE'S NOT WRONG

Vanya's weirded out face is priceless 👌👌👌

"the only thing the umbrella academy knows about love is how to screw it up" "cheers!" 💯👏👏👏

These babies really need a hug. Let me hug them!

"how do you guys deal with this?" -look at them Vanya, they day drink.

"well, I get reeeeally high, Allison... Allison... Lies to herself. And you supress all your emotions deep, deep down until you... Blow shit up." -Klaus really is serving up all the wisdom in this little outing, isn't he? Maybe being a cult leader actually did him some good? Or maybe it's just that his family is FINALLY listening to him.

"yeah, I'd really like to not do that anymore" 😂 -ah! Is Vanya graduating out of the awkward dork sibling category and into the sassy queen one?

Omg, the drunk decisions...

"I just hate group backups, that's why I stopped dating twins" 😆😆😆😆

"this family is amazing" - DAMN RIGHT, VANYA! ❤️🧡💛💚💚💙💜

Awww, the HUG! The DANCING! MY BABIES! Fav scene, fav scene!

I want to adopt this family so bad.

And here's the Swedes being set up...

There goes baby Swede! I kinda feel bad for them.

Uh oh, now they want revenge of poor Diego.

Gotta hand it to Handler, she played this one very well. Parallels Five tricking Hazel and Cha-Cha into fighting each other in season 1. Very cool.

BAD GUY! I like this version better than the original, great song and fits Lila perfectly.

Holy shit!!!!!!!!! We all knew Five had moves but THESE MOVES!!!!!! 😲

How did Lila do that? Is it with Handler's time stopping thing? I always wondered how she did that too.

Holy shiiiiiiiiit. This whole fight was FANTASTIC! 😲

Oh Vanya... 😢

Oh Sissy... 😩

Sissy has been so desperate to keep Vanya tied to her but the moment Vanya asks her to make the slightest sacrifice for their relationship Sissy balks and pulls away... Not a balanced relationship at all.

I understand Sissy's fear, it's not selfishness, it's literal fear of change, but it's still sad and it's going to wreck them.

Oh, so this is where the swedish cover of "Hello" comes in... Very fitting.

Viking funeral, huh?

Ok, I never thought I'd have feels for the Swedes but I do. 😢

Luther eating AGAIN. But hey, he and Diego didn't the whole day together! Why can't we see that too? I need more brother time between these two.

Oh Klaus, is so uncomfortable but he can't stand disappointing the cultists, can he?

Still shocks me how all those people just invaded his house while he was away and thought that was perfectly acceptable and cool, it shows they really don't respect him as a person, he's just an object to make them feel better and give them purpose... It's terrifying and really sad when you think about it.

"sit your ass down." -you go, Allison! Tell him everything!

This episode gave me SO MANY FEELINGS! It might read like (extremely good) fanfiction but it's exactly what we all needed and it might be my favorite episode so far.

[polyputthekettleon]

How's the heterosexual part of my sexuality doing? And other transition/brain stuff.

One of the hardest parts about being married to someone I'm not fucking while also being the parent of a six-year-old while also living in a very small house is that the options are limited when it comes to masturbating.

When I wake up, I'm usually thinking of cock and boys. I always think of K first, even though K is now D and isn't a boy. Still, old habits die hard, and when she was living as K, ohhhh my god did fucking that boy when I woke up become a habit. The feel of rising into wakefulness with his body wrapped around me and the dependable warmth of his hard cock pressing up against me... While it didn't happen every single morning we spent together, more often than not he would wake too and the two of us would shift and wriggle around until he could slide his cock into my wet, hungry cunt... and oh god, the bliss.

To be snuggled and warm and full of the most glorious cock I have ever encountered in my life... god, what a way to wake up.

I miss it, but today I'm holding that grief at bay, trying to just enjoy the memories as they come, the feeling of absolute utter acceptance and love when he would moan and sigh to feel my cunt already wet, how good it felt for him to not bother with asking or foreplay (because he already had my blanket consent), and just start fucking me, sometimes right as I was waking. GOD I love waking up to sex.

And then the other morning when J rolled over and his hand rested on my butt as he slept, I thought about how good it would feel for him to keep going with his fingers and slide them inside my aching cunt, which then gave way to a memory/fantasy of the night when I slept between two men in Vegas because my friend was sleeping with the boy she'd been fucking and I wasn't going to leave her alone. One of the boys really did feel me up as we were drifting off, and I loved it but couldn't pursue more, because I was married and monogamous (okay, ish), but they were otherwise respectful of my stated (rather shakey) boundaries (this was an awfully long time ago). But in my fantasy, they both kept touching me, pulling my clothes back off and touching and teasing and fucking me. I wonder if that was the closest I ever came to being in an actual threesome with two men. (God, I hope not.)

So in answer to my title question, I'm honestly not sure. I'm giving myself permission to feel desire for cock, for someone who's a man, for the feel of stubble on my skin, for the gender dynamic I had with K and J as my lovers. I know I do desire it, and I know that one of the things that is making stuff easier right now is that D's sex drive has come back (for now anyway). She's felt interested in and willing, as well as been able to fuck me with her clit (her preferred word for her penis these days). It's been fucking wonderful, because I missed that part of our relationship so much. I am really enjoying getting to know her new body, which continues to change, and honestly there are so many things about relearning her and discovering what's changing that is just the best thing in the world. This weekend, I realized how soft her skin was feeling to my touch, and I was overwhelmed with joy and wonder, happiness for her because of how she's getting to become more like how she wants to be in the world, and how cool it is that 4mg of estrogen can do that. Mind absolutely blown. She also genuinely has some more fat in her breasts, and her nipples are so very, very sensitive, and it's just all so amazing.

She's also been sharing more with me about her plans for surgery, including her contemplation of SRS. If I'm honest, it's painful to listen to her talk about cutting on her body, but I'm working hard to remind myself that how she experiences and pursues a positive relationship with her body can be different from how I do it, and it be okay and not mean than she's rejecting me. That was a super helpful takeaway from my last therapy session; that my tendency is to interpret social difference as a form of rejection, which is not true. I suspect that that reframe, combined with the medicine, is helping this feel better. Additionally, I found some good YouTube videos of women talking about sex after their own surgeries, and I gained a ton of additional understanding from reading a shit ton more about vaginoplasty. Having the surgery and its results demystified, as well as hearing people talk about it still being good and fun, definitely helped me wrap my head around the possibility of D maybe one day choosing that. Plus, it's not like I haven't fantasized about fucking her while she has a cunt like mine... There are things I *love* doing with Y that I would fucking **love** to do with D, and can't. Plus seeing her feeling happy and affirmed in her gender is AMAZING, and really whatever helps that happen more often is what I want for her.

That said, I really really really really like her clit. As it is right now. And I would like for our parts to always be able to fit together, and I would really like for us to be like the trans and cis women in the amazing porn she and I watched together -- they were both gorgeously femme and beautiful and sexy, and one of them just had a cock the she used for penetration, and that didn't detract from her feminine-ness (at least for me) *at all*. To me, that feels like a more accessible strap on, plus one where both partners get pleasure at once. What's not to love??

Ultimately, I know she's the only person who will be able to decide what is right for her. I wish her parts felt 100% comfortable for her, and that she was as comfortable with our current genital combination as I am. I also wish that that surgery didn't sound like it would put a 6 month or longer haitus on sex. I also also wish I didn't feel mildly cut off from my feelings right now, and that has nothing to do with her transition except for that it is likely making it easier for me to not obsess and panic about her surgeries.

But to get back to my question... How's my heterosexual side doing? I think she's okay... I think she's numb, along with the rest of me. I did say I wanted a break, right? Here's my break. I'm trying to figure out how to feel about it.

[sablelab]

Covert Operations - Chapter 89

DISCLAIMER: This is a modern AU crossover story with Outlander and La Femme Nikita. LFN and its characters do not belong to me nor do those from Outlander.

SYNOPSIS: Back at Section One the Rising Dragons mission has come to a standstill due to its two main operatives’ non-involvement.  Things are starting to unravel and Operations and Madeline decide to call a truce and ask Jamie to return and they will help him search for Claire. She leaves a clue for him that implicates Karen Yee and he goes in search of her as a starting point.  Meanwhile Jonathon Randall pays Claire another visit but doesn’t get the answers he wants.

Previous chapters can be found at … https://sablelab.tumblr.com/covertoperations

THANK YOU for coming along on this ride as Claire faces her foes and Jamie tries to find where she is. I appreciate your patronage and support of my writing and I am glad you are enjoying this story.

  CHAPTER 89

Murtagh Fitzgibbons observed the comings and goings at Section One from his post in munitions. Although operatives went on about their duties like clockwork, something was missing. The halls of Section One appeared austere and even colder without James Fraser and Claire Beauchamp’s presence. The fact that his Sugar had been kidnapped only exacerbated his feelings of melancholy, but as he watched and observed, Murtagh’s eyes suddenly lit up as if struck by a thunderbolt. He knew what it was. It was Claire’s lightness that was missing. He missed seeing her luminous face and he missed their friendly banter whenever she came over to his station. Every time he looked up or turned a corner, Murtagh kept expecting to see her striding purposefully down the hallway coming back from a mission with the target apprehended ... but that hadn’t happened for some time. He really missed his Sugar for she was the ray of sunshine in his day. He missed her laughter, her smile and her calming presence in this world of ruthlessness. Claire was in trouble and Jamie had gone looking for her, but it was the not knowing if she was alive or dead that was eating away at him. The fact that Fergus hadn’t been able to make contact with her or her with them was also very worrying.

How could they find Claire’s location, if they couldn’t track her? She could be anywhere in Hong Kong and had probably been transferred to God knows where because they couldn't discover her whereabouts. 

Although he hadn’t put much faith in God over the years, Murtagh thought it appropriate that he say a few prayers in hope of divine intervention of a miracle. However, even that was of little solace to him. He hadn't realized before how deeply Claire Beauchamp affected everyone at Section One, even Operations and Madeline had seemed a little more short-tempered since they’d known of her kidnapping and Jamie’s request for the fifteen days owing to him. Perhaps they’d realised that they had made the wrong decision, not that Madeline or Operations would ever admit to that. Their pigheadedness would be their downfall one day and now the Rising Dragons’ mission had come to a standstill due to its two main operatives’ non-involvement, and without their participation, things were starting to unravel. 

Would Operations and Madeline call a truce and ask Jamie to return and offer Section’s resources to help him search for Claire? Pigs would fly before either of their leaders would change their minds and reverse their decision as far as Jamie and Claire were concerned, Murtagh thought. If he ever saw that day, he vowed that he would run naked through Section. Shrugging his shoulders, the weapons’ expert looked over towards Tactical to see if Fergus was there. He was. Knowing how worried that his buddy had been since Claire’s disappearance, he decided to mosey on over to see if he had made any inroads in his attempt to contact her or if he’d heard anything from Jamie. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Operations strode through the corridors of Section One and made his way to Madeline’s office. He’d been having second thoughts about his decision where Jamie was concerned and had been weighing up the conversation, he’d had with him in the perch the other day. His persistence to search for Claire had goaded him and he’d forbidden him to pursue her citing that the triad was the target and that Claire was expendable. He realised now how that must have sounded to his Level 5 operative particularly knowing of their bond. There were obvious similarities to her persistence that they retrieve him when Jamie was missing in Russia. However, that was where the similarities ended. Madeline had been sent with Claire to find him, but the retrieval mission was really a hidden agenda to bring in deep cover operative. No doubt Jamie had been reminded of their subterfuge, hence his reaction to the orders he had given him. His reluctance to do anything about Claire’s kidnapping had not been well received. In retrospect, had the tables been turned and Madeline was the one kidnapped, he too would have reacted as Jamie had. Dougal knew that Madeline would be able to be more rational, hence he sought her counsel. However, little did he know but his second in command had gone behind his back and had already asked Fergus to keep her informed on any progress on Claire’s whereabouts. Grappling with the wisdom of his decision Operations continued on through the halls of Section One and as usual entered Madeline’s office with his normal aplomb to see her working on her computer. She looked up to see who it was on hearing footsteps enter. “Ah, Dougal ... Come in ... What are you doing here?” “I want some answers.” “Answers to what?” she asked curiously not being able to make sense of what it was he was after. “Claire Beauchamp's status.” “I thought you had dismissed her kidnapping as a fate accompli and that Jamie was not to go after her?” “Yes, I did say that but in hindsight I feel I may have been a little hasty,” he announced, the words almost choking him as they were uttered.  It was not often that Operations had to eat humble pie and admit that he may have been wrong in his judgement. “Hmm ... yes that may be so, but it’s not the first time you have been a tad irrational in a decision Dougal.” Operations raised an eyebrow at her pointed retort. “Really?” “Yes ... you were reckless, but fortunately I have made contingencies.” “Good. I like your surprises.”

Operations smiled at Madeline’s forward planning ... she always did play the end against the middle. He knew immediately that his second in command had her finger on the pulse. She knew him well and he was right in his decision to seek her input.

“We will need to take care of this soon ... The mission has come to a standstill since Claire’s kidnapping and Jamie going dark to look for her. The Rising Dragons will be able to regroup if we are not proactive.” 

“It seems we have a dilemma then doesn’t it?”  Was her tacit remark. Operations refused to give her question credence and merely asked a question in return. “You obviously are familiar with the most recent situation Madeline ... So, tell me ... where are we with locating Claire then?” She too refused to be irritated by his words and answered concisely, “Fergus has been trying to initiate contact with Claire but he hasn’t had any success as yet.” “And Jamie? Does he have a next move?” “I don't know ... but you of all people know what James Fraser is like.” She paused before continuing, “His level of commitment to Section is extraordinary but Jamie’s commitment to Claire Beauchamp is inimitable. He will leave no stone unturned until he finds her. You’ve seen the lengths he goes to with targets. I don't think he's finished ... not by a long shot ...this is his partner after all.” Operations pondered the wisdom of her words before asking, “Has he tried to communicate with Section at all?” “There’s been none as far as I know. If Jamie doesn’t want to be stopped, he won’t be.” “Then get Fergus on to it immediately. I’m sure he has a way of getting in touch with him.” “Very well Dougal ... I’ll see to it. By the way, have you heard from Colum?” “Indirectly. Oversight is still monitoring this mission closer than I'd like.” “At least it keeps his attention away from other things.” “Yes, but if he gets wind that our two best operatives are missing Madeline, all hell will break loose.” “So far, everything's covered. That's not the problem.” “What is the problem?” “Fergus is working on a location, but there's been no response whatsoever.  Your brother Colum is going to look at anything out of the ordinary as suspicious.” “Then we’ll need to move quickly to ally his inquisitiveness. I'm sure we can shore this up.” “I wish I were as optimistic.” “What do you mean?” “There are too many variables beyond our control.” “That's true. But so far, so good. I’m sure things will go exactly as planned.” “The Rising Dragons members are ruthless; we can’t forget that.” “Yes ... but Section One is more so,” he stated proudly. Acknowledging the wisdom of his statement, Madeline replied. “I’ll have Fergus come to my office and we’ll set the wheels in motion to contact Jamie.” Good ... I knew I could count on you Madeline. I’ll be in the perch should you need me.” ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* “Thank you for coming, Mr. Claudel,” Madeline stated when Section’s computer whiz stepped through the door into her domain. She watched as he came and stood in front of her desk, then without any preamble asked, “What are your plans?” Fergus raised his eyebrow at her question not quite understanding what Madeline meant. “Plans?” he queried a little perplexed. “Regarding Claire.” “I’m at a quandary as to know what to do. Claire’s comm. unit is down and I haven’t been able to establish contact. Until it becomes operable, then we have little to go on.” “I see.” “Have there been any communiqués with Jamie since he left Section?” “No ... nothing.” “Then I feel we should try to make contact with him.” “Does Operations know about this?” Fergus asked a little wary of her statement given that she’d asked him to go behind his leader’s back. “For the good of the mission, Operations has had a change of heart. He insists that we allow Jamie to use Section’s facilities to assist in Claire’s speedy return.” “But Jamie has gone dark ... it may be impossible to make contact.” “I’m sure you will find a way Mr Claudel,” Madeline implied categorically knowing that if anyone could contact Jamie then Fergus could. “It doesn't look good if we can't keep track of our own people.” “I’ll try my best.” “Good ... Don't worry. Both you and Jamie will be protected. I expect to hear something soon. You may go.” With her dismissal Fergus turned on his heel and left Madeline’s office and immediately went in search of Murtagh. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The two friends nearly bumped into each other as they each came around the corner into the Common area of Section in search of one another. “Hmm, you scared me.” “I didn't think anything scared you, Murtagh.”

 Fergus adjusted his glasses and they briefly held looks until he broke eye contact. 

Understanding his unspoken meaning the weaponries’ expert replied flippantly for anyone who may be watching, “Get out of here,” then he continued on back to Munitions knowing that the two would get together secretly later on. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Fifteen minutes later, the two friends met up in the hallway away from the prying eyes of the perch and the common area. “So, what’s up amigo ... what's going on?”  Murtagh inquired eager to know why they were meeting in secret. “Operations has had a change of heart about Jamie.” Taken aback by his announcement, he was gob smacked. “You’re joking ... right?” However, by the look on Fergus’ face, Murtagh knew he was deadly serious. “No ... he wants me to contact him.” “But why? ... Operations never changes his mind. ... It’s set in concrete.” Murtagh suddenly had a mild rush of blood to the head as he thought of his earlier musings about a nudie run through Section. Perhaps the day pigs would fly was actually here. I didn't see that coming, he thought. “So, what happens now? Have you had any word from Jamie yet? “No ... It's still too early ... it’s only been two days. But now, I’ll have to try and contact him on a deep channel.” “Whoa, whoa Fergus, not so fast.” “Do you have any better ideas?”  he asked needing some inspiration for what he‘d been asked to do. “No, all I'm saying is that we should put some thought into your next move.” “Well, the way I see it, I don't have any choice. Operations wants me to contact Jamie ASAP.” “He’s gone dark and unless we have something to give him about Claire’s whereabouts, he won’t listen ... Operations knows that. You can’t pull off the impossible.” Murtagh looked at Fergus for a reaction to his statement before asking the obvious question, “Do you have a location for Claire?” “No ... nothing.” “There ... see what I mean?” “So, this is a waste of time?” “No, I didn’t mean that ...” “What do you mean?” “Something's not right. It doesn't make any sense. Operations is cold and ruthless but he's not generous. Does he want to help Jamie for ulterior motives?” “I don’t know ... Look; I've got to go Murtagh.” “Just keep your head down and your mouth shut, you'll be fine until we figure something out or something happens to force our hand.” “Okay ... I’ll think of something to put Operations off for a while.” “Good.” ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

James Fraser had a conundrum to solve and the quicker he did so the better. His Sassenach had been missing now for nearly 48hours and although she had left him a clue as to who may be involved in her kidnapping, he seemed to be wasting precious time criss-crossing Hong Kong in search of leads for her kidnappers. He wished he could have been more expeditious, for if he had, Claire would now be safe with him. But that was not to be. She'd been transferred from her first place of incarceration to somewhere he didn't know and couldn't discover ... but he would. 

All of his instincts and resolve were telling him that he was not too late to save his Sassenach despite this setback.  He was certain that Karen Yee would provide the crucial lead as to where the triad was holding her, and once again Jamie sped off back to Hong Kong. This time however, he would get the answers he wanted. This time she would have no option other than to tell him where Claire was. He would accept nothing less. He'd never trusted Karen or her boyfriend and now they would face the cold operative that he was. Whether Karen or Andy gave him the information about Claire's whereabouts voluntarily or not ... it was of no consequence to him, but they would tell him what he wanted to know. How they did so was the decision they would need to make. He would have no compunction as to how he dealt with them. They meant nothing to him ... but Claire meant everything and he would do whatever was in his power to find out where she was being held captive.

Without the resources of Section One, his task was made that much harder, but he would prevail ... he would find her and once those who held his Claire incarcerated were found, they would pay the price.  Death would be the only consequence for their brutality.  His suspicions would be verified about Claire's neighbour and she and her kind would suffer the consequences of their actions and deception. The thought of his Sassenach suffering at the hands of this ruthless triad was an anathema to him, but what worried Jamie the most was that he had no control over what happened to her. Therefore, expediency was so crucial. The longer she remained incarcerated the greater the risk to her safety. So far, he was no closer to finding where she was being held captive although he felt buoyed by the clue she had managed to leave for him.

Karen Yee knew something ... she probably knew much more than he even realised ... and she would divulge what she knew to him or die. Karen had no significance to him whatsoever ... she was a target... nothing more, nothing less. Her life for Claire's life was, in his mind, a fair exchange. She would tell him what he needed to know or better still ... take him to where the triad was holding her.  Whatever choice she made was irrelevant. There was no way it would end well for Karen ... her fate was sealed.

Hoping that his Sassenach was still alive was keeping Jamie going ... if she had met her demise, he didn't know what he would do. He hadn't realized how deeply she affected him, how her spirit lifted him up, or how her laughter warmed the recesses of his heart. He ached. Fear and unadulterated trepidation played on his mind.  Jamie was worried for her safety and what might be happening to her at the hands of the triad. Steven Bonnet and William Ransom had already paid with their lives.  He would have no compunction in killing any and all of the bastards who in any way had hurt his Sassenach.  They would all pay with their lives once he had found where the triad was holding her. However, Jamie felt powerless as he was no closer to finding her and he was struggling to remain focused, but that is just what he needed to be. Claire was depending on him. She needed him to find her and he would, with or without Section's help. He'd thought about contacting Fergus but had decided against that. However, if this lead didn't pan out, he would reassess the situation. Despite his orders from Operations, Jamie knew that he could enter and leave Section without detection if he came up cold with a lead. But at the present time he felt confident that he was on the right track and that Karen Yee would provide the answers he was seeking. His sole purpose was focused on finding Claire before the triad had no further use of her. He knew she was strong but ... how long could she endure being tortured? This very thought brought bile to his throat. Jamie swallowed the rancid liquid forcing it back to the depths of his stomach. He refused to acknowledge the muses in his head. He had scarcely slept and he'd eaten only when he could no longer ignore the demands of his body. Jamie knew there was little chance of getting any rest before confronting Karen Yee and Andy Ma ... but that was not a problem unless there was some hold-up to finding the targets. He'd make that decision when and if he needed to. He had functioned for days without respite and would rest only when his Claire was safe and sound. Putting these thoughts to the back of his mind, James Fraser had clear and precise objectives. Nothing would stand in his way of executing them. Failure was not an option. It never was and never would be. He depressed the accelerator a little harder breaking all speed limits in his haste to return to Hong Kong to find Karen Yee and her accomplice. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Jonathon Randall was deep in thought as he watched their prisoner sleep in the darkness. Was this woman really associated with the deaths of senior triad members over the past months or did they have the wrong person? If she was ... she would pay the price, but if not then they would need to cast the net further to find out whoever was responsible. It didn't really matter one way or the other though. The woman was damned. Claire Beauchamp would never leave here alive. There was no way that she could possibly live especially now after all that she had seen and heard. Leaning back in his chair Jonathon reread the reports from MacNab and Robert about both Claire and her companion. Karen had been explicit in her observations of Claire's so called "brother" and had relayed all the information she had on Jamie Fraser. But they were none the wiser as to his role in the turmoil that had befallen the triad other than he was her lover. Ronald on the other hand had been asked to give him something he could use next time. He'd come up trumps and had managed to find some information about the covert Section One. His report specified that Section One was the most clandestine organisation on the planet whose job was to bring down the criminals and terrorists that no one else could get. Jonathon gave a chuckle at their profile and pondered this information. Suddenly it all began to make sense. Had it not been for Steven Bonnet finding Claire's dropped revolver, then they would not have known of her affiliation to Section One. Jonathon had heard of it but this was the first time that the triad had come in contact with anyone associated with Section One. So ... this was the organisation that Claire was a member of. Was her companion also a member? If so, it would explain such a lot, but they would fail in their mission. There was no way that these two people could bring down the might of the Rising Dragons ... the triad was invincible especially here in Hong Kong. Claire Beauchamp was an enigma and this Jamie was more so. James Fraser didn't seem to exist which gave more credence to the fact that he was Section material ... ghosts that moved among people but who were "dead" to the real world. He certainly fitted the mould. There was only one thing Jonathon could think of that would prove if they were both working for Section One and that was to flush out her companion. Karen had alluded to this Jamie's conduct around her and Andy as if the man was always sizing them up but in turn giving nothing away of himself. Jonathon knew that he must mean something to Claire for she was too evasive and guarded when his name was mentioned.

Was he her weakness and vice versa? If so, it was something he could exploit. 

It was time to find out. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 Randall activated the surveillance speakers and snapped the light switches on in Claire's room. Glaring white light flooded the room and shone on her beleaguered face. Her body jerked as she woke abruptly. Unable to focus because of the brightness, she automatically raised her arm to shield her face from the glare. Claire then gingerly sat up on the bed and lowered her head slightly. Through her closed eyelids she felt the light searing its way through her light deprived eyes. The glare was unbearable and the white-hot rays shone on her face burning the corneas of her eye sockets if she so much as opened them even a fraction, so she kept them tightly shut. "Are the lights too bright for you my dear?" "No ... they're just peachy thanks." "Good ... I see you haven't lost your sense of humour." It took Claire a short while to adjust to the light, but she did. She sat up straighter on the bed and waited for what was to come next. "I told you I would be back," were Randall’s menacing words as he made his way back into the room. "So, I noticed," Claire replied equally disinterested in anything that came out of his mouth. "Now ... Let's talk about James Fraser again ... shall we Claire?" Jonathon Randall remonstrated in a more sinister voice.  

 “You really love him, don’t you?” He persisted with some glee in his voice.

 “Did I love him?”  She asked herself already knowing the answer to her question. “Beyond the urges of the flesh?”

 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Jonathon Randall continued his tirade as he watched Claire’s face for any indication that his words had touched a nerve. "You do love him. Not just to bed him; I know you’d want that, and he does too, doesn’t he Claire? Men all do. But do you love him?"

 The incarceration of this place had the dark anonymity of the confessional, and a soul on the verge of death had no time for lies. She knew not what lay ahead or how long she would be here until Jamie could rescue her as she knew he would. 

"Yes," her mind and heart muttered silently as she stared unflinchingly at her captor. “Yes! Yes, I love him.”

It was silent in the room for some time, as Jonathon Randall waited for any sign from Claire Beauchamp that his words had touched a nerve.

With a look that would kill, Claire refused to comply to his aspersions.  He could go to Hell for all she cared, for she would never admit to anything concerning James Fraser. Randall could speculate all he wanted about Jamie or who had sent her ... but she would never capitulate.

"You'd be wrong then," was her only reply.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

The interrogation had been fruitless yet again. Their hostage never gave an inch and once more Jonathon had gotten nowhere with his questioning of her. The woman would not break and would not be compromised. His frustration was at its zenith. Hence, due to her headstrong behaviour, Claire Beauchamp left him with only one option. It was time to set his other plan in motion. He called for Ronald MacNab to come and prepare a video transmission. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ to be continued

 I will be posting two chapters next week as the following week is Christmas and I will be busy with family and Christmas preparations.

Therefore, I will post Chapter 90 on Tuesday 17th December … and then …

Chapter 91 on Saturday 21st December.  

I will also post Chapter 92 on Monday 30th December just before New Year.

[seiginotora]

Characters / The Trinity Concept - Pagan

Pagan, also known as The Cat Shaped Like A Girl, or The Louisiana Cat-Girl, is a cryptid born in 1882 in De Baca County, New Mexico. The progeny of the cryptid known as the Wampus Cat and a human male, the kitten girl was found and raised by a gunslinger named Casey McCormic, who was tasked to finding the strange creature by a mysterious figure who called himself Indrid Cold. Befriending her and naming her after his lost daughter Katherine, he was only able to care for her for eleven days, until his troubled past came back to claim his life. Before he died however, Casey urged Katherine to keep fighting for what was right in her heart, and not to let anyone find her. Taking his final request to heart, Katherine found a way out of De Baca County, and found herself in the Louisiana Bayou, where she spent the majority of her lengthy childhood.

It was only in the early 90's, when she was physically in her late teens, when her curiosity of the outside world began to tug at her. For decades she had avoided being caught by hunters who sought to find the Louisiana Cat-Girl, alive or dead. But it was a photographer who had managed to capture Katherine's curiosity. After he had given her the nickname of Pagan, named after his dead pet cat. He had left the swamps to publish his findings. But the newly christened Pagan decided to follow him into the city. From there, Pagan had gotten into a mixture of adventures and misadventures alike, becoming a wanderer who helped people who needed it, making close friends along the way as well as many enemies, both human and otherwise. Eventually, she would be met by the legendary Jeanne d'Arc herself, who offered her a place in the extradimensional peacekeeping organization known as the Secret. Always curious, Pagan accepted the offer, and found herself a new home in the Waystation's district of New Iroquois, becoming something of a celebrity as she would found a orphanage in one of the smaller towns.

Pagan represents the Aspect of Love, as a part of Trinity Terra alongside Jeanne and Kuroi Widow.

Tropes as portrayed in media:

Adorkable: Having lived most of her childhood out in the wilderness, Pagan isn't very sociable around other people, often quiet and a little shy. She's even a little childlike at times, and often overexplains bits and pieces of her life in often embarrassing ways. Even living out in the open in the Waystation hasn't nullified any of these qualities, as she's unprepared for the very notion; she's USED to her previous life hiding from people.

Burger King Register Operator: W-would you like a combo with that?

Pagan: Combo? What's that? I usually get yourr fish from the dumpsters late at night so I don't know what "combos" arre.

Animal-Themed Superbeing: Cat. More specifically, a mountain lion.

All-Loving Hero: Every action Pagan takes is built from love itself, whether it's protecting innocent lives, fighting monsters, or even ready to lay down her life to save others.

Berzerk Button: May whatever God you believe in help you if Pagan finds out you've harmed... or worse... KILLED, any children.

Beware The Nice Ones: Pagan is sweet and kind to anyone she calls friend. Just don't get on her bad side.

Cat Girl: Pretty obvious, this one.

Catchphrase: "I am currious."

Cats Hate Water: Inverted; having lived in the Louisiana Bayou, since a lot of it is water to begin with, Pagan is more than used to swimming in it.

Color-Coded Characters: Pagan often wears red, as it reminds her of the story of Red Riding Hood... the original story, where the titular character dies at the hands of the Big Bad Wolf. It reminds her that humans needs to be protected from such monsters and that she'll be the one to protect them.

Cute Little Fangs: Pagan has them, and when she's being adorable, they're quite the feature.

Cute Monster Girl: Yep. Definitely that.

Deceased Parents Are The Best: While technically not her real father, Casey McCormic was the best father figure Pagan could ever have in the eleven days they were together, teaching her the fundamentals of right and wrong that she adheres to to this day.

Does Not Like Shoes: About 95% of the time Pagan is always barefoot; having stated that shoes are uncomfortable against her toe claws. She could always wear sandals, of course, and she does when she has an image inducer on to appear more human. But once the inducer is off, so do the sandals.

Femme Fatalons: Pagan was born with sharp claws on her fingers and toes, and more often than not uses them as her primary weapons; she has twin daggers too, but she only uses those if her claws can't get the job done.

Forgotten Birthday: Inverted, as it's PAGAN who often forgets her own birthday, and it's her friends who remind her of it, often by throwing her a party. Which shows just how cherished a friend Pagan truly is.

Friend To All Children: Pagan adores children, and will protect them with all the ferocity of a lioness protecting her cubs. She even has an orphanage set up in the town of Doublehead in New Iroquois called Pagan's Pride, where she takes care of children whose lives are upended by ill fate.

Half-Human Hybrid: She is said to be the near-perfect hybrid of human and feline, her very DNA held together by ancient magicks.

Healing Factor: Pagan heals faster than a regular human, having survived being impaled by her own blades, and even being riddled with bullets. Some injuries heal slower or faster than others, depending on the severity, and she's unable to regenerate missing limbs, organs, or brain cells.

Hopeless With Tech: Type 2; Pagan knows how a cellphone works at least. But that's about it. And sometimes she can't tell some devices apart.

Pagan: This is so confusing. Oseiko, I've been trrying to text Jeanne all day but therre's no rresponse!

Oseiko: ... uhm... Pagan, that's a calculator.

Ironic Allergy: Pagan is allergic to catnip. While it can still get her high, she also can't stop sneezing when she's around it. Mostly played for laughs.

Literal-Minded: Tied in to her adorkable personality, Pagan sometimes doesn't quite understand figurative speech just yet.

Moonhowl: Okay, girl. Fess up now. Three kids. All girls. Just admit it. Your biological clock is ticking.

Pagan: I don't own a clock.

Ms. Fanservice: Between Jeanne and Kuroi Widow, Pagan's choice of attire is a bit more form-fitting and lacking of armor. But considering she's tougher and quicker than a regular human it can be argued she doesn't really need armor all that much.

My Instincts Are Showing: Pagan will often walk on her hands and knees and sit on all fours, brush her head against someone's leg, blink her eyes slowly around someone she trusts, etc. All the telltale body language that cats usually exhibit.

Noble Savage: Living most of your life in the Louisiana Bayou tends to do that, though she still protected people from being attacked by any of the wildlife there.

Non-Malicious Monster: Pagan would argue that she's not even a monster, just an animal. Even so, humans who don't know her wouldn't see her that way, and may be afraid or even attack her, even though she has vowed to protect them from monsters that WOULD kill them.

Parental Abandonment: The Wampus Cat, Pagan's mother, abandoned her when she was only a kitten; her human father never even knew she existed.

Proportional Aging: Pagan ages approximately every six and a half years; having been born in 1882, as of 2020, she would be 138 years old, though physically she looks like she's in her early 20's.

Shameless Fanservice Girl: Pagan dislikes clothing and would love to just go around naked all the time since she WAS naked throughout her childhood in the Louisiana Swamps. But for the sake of her friends and passers by she wears clothes out of simple courtesy.

Super Reflexes: Pagan has incredible reflexes, able to dodge most attacks rather effortlessly, and also shows incredible flexibility, especially when slipping out of restraints that would've easily held a normal human.

Super Senses: Pagan's senses are about ten times as keen as an average human's, and about five times that of an average cat's. She is able to see in the dark due to feline-like night vision, and she's also to smell pheromones allowing her to read emotions of others on a basic level, and can easily tell when someone is lying to her from sensing said pheromones and hearing their heartbeat.

Super Strength: Pagan can lift up to nearly 950 pounds. Considering how much muscle definition she has she looks like she could easily rip someone apart to begin with, if she wanted to, that is.

Super Toughness: Pagan's physiology makes her much tougher than an average human. Her body is able to withstand great impact forces and blunt trauma that would severely injure or kill someone else, though she is far from invulnerable.

Trrrilling Rrrs: Pagan trills when she speaks, much like how a cat would purr.

[allyvampirelass29]

Painting the Fire

A Vampire Diaries Fanfiction By: Allyssa J. Watkins

Niklaus Mikaelson smirked to himself, the paintbrush poised in his slender fingers, as if he were conducting an orchestra, coaxing the lyrical likeness from the canvas, his determined hand roving in brave strokes, ending in a slow wisp of a tenderly crafted raven curl.

"Really Nick, are you seriously painting that irksome assassin yet again?"

Klaus winced, reluctant to move the brush from the canvas. Ah, and how the notes have soured......

He turned slowly to look over his shoulder, clearly perturbed. Ironic for his little sister to have used the term, "irksome," being, herself, the very personification of the word, sighing in a huff, arms crossed, as she leaned forward, her face crinkled in harsh scrutiny.

"Come now, Rebekah, don't be nasty, not in the face of such...….. untamed loveliness."

His raspy voice got very quiet then, touching his fingertip to the mocha coloured cheek of his fiercely exotic subject, a gentleness stealing over his features, as the fiery dark eyes looked back, gleaming with danger and desire.

"Tal."

"Ever the poet, aren't you, Brother? Untamed, oh most definitely but lovely?" Rebekah scoffed tossing her long, straight blonde hair back, her impudent face continuing to frown. "You should have made her angrier, more inaccessible, with her signature "bite my ass," expression."

Klaus' lips curled into a fond grin, his usual piercing blue eyes, playfully dancing, knowing that expression his sister had so eloquently described all too well.

"What is it about this one, Nick? She can be so horrid to you, say the most frightful things! She supposedly works for you, is sired by you, and yet still defies you at every turn!! Why ever would you desire a creature that runs so hot and cold on you!? Is it just because she gives you something to chase? Poet and Predator, of course, I should have guessed. All the women in the world fall at the feet of the Great and Terrible Niklaus, but this one fights back, makes you play her game, and you're all too happy for it!!!

Rebekah threw her arms out exasperated as she spoke, mocking him, turning her head from his raven-haired masterwork, as though it pained her to look at it.

"Rebekah, if you're going to be dramatic, I'm going to need another scotch," He simpered coolly, dipping his brush into the blood red paint, his tongue pressing against his bottom lip, as he put the finishing touches on her own sassy Spanish lips, and the ruffles of her off the shoulder dress.

"Why this one, she asks...…" He spoke aloud leisurely, more to his painting than the frustrated petite blond being difficult. "Shall we enlighten her, Darling?" He asked Tal's flirty eyes in a hushed rasp, brushing the blood red paint over her shoulder, watching the satin form around her skin, the answer hot on his lips.

"The Fire...….." He whispered with a harsher, more hungry edge, swooping the crimson ruffle around the small of her open back. "Natalia..... My Spanish Rose...… From the moment I found her, picked her up, broken, I felt it. The fire, the delicious potential, burning inside of her. She's my Masterpiece, Rebekah, not just in artform, but in body, in flesh. I've stoked that fire, both starved and fed it into an unstoppable force. My femme fatale, as flawless a killer, as she is breathtaking a beauty. I want to taste that fire, become...… one with it."

"How very lovely of you, Nick," Rebekah chortled back, placing her hand on his shoulder, and he bristled, not trusting her overly zealous smile. "It's too bad. I feel sorry for you, I really do."

Klaus seethed as she squeezed his shoulder in feigned comfort. "Whatever do you mean, dear, dear, Sister?" He managed through clenched teeth in careful threat.

"It's too bad," Rebekah continued, smiling even more charming, leaning down to look him in the eyes, her brandished blade finding its mark. "That she's madly in love with Damon Salvatore...…."

Klaus leapt up from his seated place at his easel, shoulders heaving, and his eyes snapped furiously, flashing gold and glowing. "What the HELL did you just say!?!?"

"Oh c'mon, Nicky, it's disgustingly obvious. Your Spanish Rose has already been plucked by your worst enemy.......... You want to talk about flesh? His hands know every inch of her caramel skin, while the only thing you're caressing of her, is that cold, rough canvas. Of course....... there's our answer, the rub for your sick little obsession. You're only drawn to her flame because it burns so hot for someone else. Paint the fire, Brother, but by your own foolishness be prepared to PERISH in it!!!!

"How DARE you!!!!" Klaus roared, murder in his glowing gaze. "Aughhhhhhhh!!!!" He let out a thundering yell, flinging his arm out, knocking several glass jars of paint to the ground, each of them smashing against the white marble floor, red, black, yellow, and blue paint bleeding into each other in a chaos of colour. He stepped forward, and gripped Rebekah's throat, his thumb pressing hard against her jaw, and to his utmost frustration, she continued to smile.

"My, my, jealousy is not a colour I often see you dripping with, Nick, but please, don't claw the messenger. Trifle with your angry, difficult, sour-faced little tart all you wish, but don't forget who first tasted her fire."

"SILENCE," Klaus roared again, his grip tightening on his sister's throat, leaning in dangerously, trying and failing to hide his catching hatred. "Be careful, Little Sister, or I'm going to have to be very unpleasant, and that shan't be fun for either of us."

"I'm only protecting you, you braggart, preventing you from wasting your time on something that's long been won. You'll never have her, Nick, not while Damon Salvatore remains in existence!!!!"

Klaus rubbed his lips together furiously, mischief glinting in his harsh glare.

"Well there's an obvious solution then, isn't there...…..?"

"Please, don't tease. She's not worth it, Nick. If you're going to finally off a Salvatore, and nearly get yourself killed in the process, it should be over something that matters."

"She is the ONLY thing that matters, you spiteful, ridiculous girl!!!"

"I'm being ridiculous? And yet you're the one swooning, and moaning over her, painting and drawing her over and over again like she's the Venus de Milo, all when she could NEVER love you the way she loves him!!!! She'll always choose him, Nicky, always, and I think a part of you already knows that. You hold onto her, like she's your last human breath, but she's not holding you back, now is she? In fact....... You are the ONLY thing keeping her from what she wants most in this world........ HOW can you call those chains anything akin to love!?"

Klaus clamped onto Rebekah's wrist painfully, his hybrid claws emerging, his lip furled with his rising fury, his golden eyes narrowed. "You're REALLY starting to piss me off, Rebekah, and we both know what happens when you upset Big Brother...…"

"Bite me." She seethed, the black veins dancing about her eyes.

"Tempting........ But there are just so many more appealing ways to punish you, Sweetie, beginning with your darling blonde errand boy. Shall I bite him instead? Or is it your old tortured flame that tempts you more these days?" Klaus laughed cruelly, tilting his light-coloured auburn curls, already knowing the answer. "Talk about loving a lost cause....... How does it feel, Sister, to always be the second choice, the consolation prize?"

"YOU tell me!!!! Go on, you preening narcissist!!! Tell me she loves you with all of her thorny heart!!!! Tell me I'm wrong!!!!!" She shot back, trying to get loose of him, but he grabbed her other wrist too, his scruffy angular jaw raised in defiance, his claws holding her in place, and there was a part of him that wanted to mirror what her words had done to him, and rip her heart right out.

"You're. Wrong," He seethed, his jaw clenching, as he moved in closer, the violent heat of his anger, scorching. "Damon Salvatore is her EX, as in EXPELLED from her heart, her mind, her immortal life. She's MINE, now, do you understand? If I asked her to kill him for me, surround him in her fire, she'd DO it, let him burn, for all that damn smart ass Casanova has done, is hurt her something most cruel. Oh yes, she blames Katherine for the slaughter of her family, but it's Damon's hands that drip with their blood, having hurtled her in Katherine's warpath. He brought this devastation down on her, he REJECTED her for that conniving attention whore, and even now he suspects he can win her back with only a smile and a wink, believing with such hubris that's all it takes, when she deserves to be fought for, BLED for!!!!"

Rebekah struggled in his grasp, leaning forward, glaring back. "And you, Brother...… Is it YOU who must bleed for her? She's a weakness, Nick, a bad habit, a lethal dose, and if you don't stop indulging, she's going to get you KILLED!!!!"

"What's this? Rough housing again? Really, what am I going to do with the both of you? Rebekah, whatever nasty thing you've clearly just spat at Niklaus, say you're sorry, and stop pestering him. Niklaus, we've only got the one sister, and being down two brothers, we'd best not end her just yet...…" Elijah swept into the lavish room, the picture of serenity, that is, until he saw the paint smearing the pristine marble floor.

"That's Italian Marble!!!! Oh Brother, what a MESS you've made!"

"He has NO idea," Rebekah smarted back, and Klaus released her with a shove, his once again blue eyes following her coldly as she left the room in a huff.

"Go on, Elijah, swoop in and be the good one, the saintly brother, go comfort our poor sister's hurt feelings like you always do."

"My God, Klaus, Don't be-"

"What? Beastly? Can't help it, Brother, it's in the genes, I'm afraid."

It was then Elijah's calm brown eyes, caught sight of Klaus' fiery rendition of Natalia.

"Oh......... You've painted another one, I see."

Klaus chuckled, shaking his head, not the least bit surprised. Typical Elijah. Predictable to the point of exasperated boredom. "Oh, not you too!!! And here I thought you liked Tal."

"I-I do," Elijah managed, feeling unsettled by the striking eyes in the painting, that seemed to follow him as he paced in the other direction, making a show of fretting over the floor.

"Whatever you're not saying, Elijah, it's deafening." Klaus snarked, snatching up one of his brushes, whisking it furiously in a cup of water.

"You're too close to this one, Niklaus, she's a dire distraction. She has consumed you, tempted your very soul."

"How kind of you, Elijah, to assume I have one," Klaus smiled resentfully, cleansing his brushes with even more fervor.

"Be careful, Niklaus, take measure. She's dangerous, to you, to herself, and to the survival of this world. She threatens us all...... Killing openly in crowds, dissolving like shadow, but the most egregious act thus committed, is how deeply she has rooted herself in your heart, taking hold, stolen her way past your usually sound defenses."

"Calm your fears, Brother, I LIVE for her danger, ache for those comely shadows, and as for the world...…. I'll happily destroy it right alongside her, should she be so inclined. Make no mistake....... I'VE rooted her there, Elijah, that her bloom may flourish, entangled our hearts so neither can be withdrawn without harm to the other. She's right where I want her," He chuckled, caressing his palm along the side of the canvas, marveling at his masterwork. Of all the pieces he'd done featuring Natalia, this one was his favourite. Devil red becomes you, My Spanish Rose.

"You don't mean that!" Elijah insisted vehemently, his unease all the more evident, as he watched his little brother gaze into the danger he loved, the danger he would die for.

"I do. I mean it, Elijah, Tal isn't going anywhere, so you best get comfortable having her around. And Rebekah should learn to play nice with my paramour, else I'll have her grounded, quite literally, in the ground, tucked away warm and safe in her coffin. Now, if you'll excuse me, there was an original Matisse with a gold plated, pearl inlay frame, that might just be far more suited to my own artistry."

Elijah watched with an austere countenance as Klaus collected his portrait, smirking sneakily, and disappeared up the winding spiral staircase. Once he was sure he had gone, Elijah turned heel, and hastened to meet his younger sister in the foyer, attempting to keep his composure to little, practically no avail.

"Oh good. You haven't killed each other yet. How marvelous," Rebekah drawled lazily leaning up against the wall, rubbing her wrist with accusing disdain.

"What ARE you thinking, Rebekah, I said TALK to him, seed doubt of her allegiance, assuage him off her, NOT knowingly bait him, rile him up, get him foaming at the mouth!!!! Have you not been listening!? If you're petulant about Natalia, you'll only drive them closer together."

"I can't help it, I don't like her, and I don't like who he is with her, and I really don't care for your scolding when I've been generous enough to help you."

"You're not helping me, I've already told you, WE'RE helping him."

Rebekah chuckled, running a hand through her long, straight blonde hair, looking amused.

"What? By taking away Niklaus' favourite toy? Really, Elijah, you'd have better luck getting her to fall back in love with Damon Salvatore. Let's say it outright, shall we? You're not helping him, you're helping you. You want him to be a good little soldier, and you know she could do it, get him to leave us, corrupt him in ways the world's not yet ready for, never mind what he'd do to her...… Imagine the power they'd have between them, if he actually got his way. They'd bring the world to its knees, and us along with it.

"It's not altogether a terrible idea...… Throwing Tal at Damon...….. She did love him once, some part of her still must," Elijah mused, his thumb and forefinger resting underneath his chin.

"Oh BRILLIANT, Elijah, My God, you've solved the thing proper this time!!!!!!" Rebekah exclaimed in false praise, her shrill voice rife with sarcasm. "We play Vampire Matchmaker, hurl Natalia into Damon's greedy, skeevy arms, watch our brother drown his sorrows in the blood of everyone living and undead, before staking us both into eternity, perfection, SO happy we worked that up!"

"Well, what method precisely, would you suggest?"

Rebekah smiled with her own glamour and mischief, giving Elijah a knowing look. "You see, that's your problem, Dear Brother, you always go for the noble play, the right way out, when there are far more devious, yet desperately effective options. You want Niklaus to give up his saucy little assassin for good? Well, it's deliciously simple. Turn him against her, convince him she's betrayed him, that she's never loved him. Nothing gets him quite worked up like opening up his miserable heart, only to realize he's being used."

Elijah stared at her aghast. "No. We can't do that to him. Rebekah, really, that's diabolical, even by your standards, to break our brother, thus, just when he's at last learnt to love!"

"You want to buy our brother's loyalty away from that scheming woman, you have to be willing to pay up, Elijah. He'll never choose us over her, unless...… we choose for him."

[handlingthis-megara-blog]

Megara Tilusi Gonzalez Egan – Character Sheet

i'm bad at love / but you can't blame me for tryin' /you know i'd be lyin' sayin' / you were the one / that could finally fix me / lookin' at my history / i'm bad at love / oh, you know, you know, you know, you know / i'm bad at love / i'm bad at love

i know that you're afraid / i’m gonna walk away / each time the feeling fades / each time the feeling fades / i know that you're afraid / i'm gonna walk away / each time the feeling fades

Archetype — The Adventurer Birthday — November 1, 1985 Zodiac Sign — Scorpio sun, Sagittarius rising, Gemini moon MBTI — ENTP Enneagram — 5: the Investigator Temperament — Melancholic Hogwarts House — Ravendor Moral Alignment — Chaotic Neutral Primary Vice — Greed Primary Virtue — Diligence Element — Earth

Overview:

Mother — Margaret Gonzalez Egan Father — Ahsan Egan (nee Haroun) Mother’s Occupation — Abandoned Meg, so who gives a fuck, right? (She’s a police officer, ex-military, random hc: she works with Copper, bc I always make everyone from Cork.) Father’s Occupation — Writer/stay at home dad. Family Finances — Not great, not terrible. Birth Order — Only child. Brothers —  None. Sisters — None. Other Close Family — None, her father doesn’t talk to his family in India and her mother’s family was never in the picture. Best Friend — None. Other Friends — None. Enemies — Ninsun, but she also sorta likes her? It’s fucked up. Her ex--Canis Greenleaf. Pets — None, though Ninsun takes the form of a sandy colored Persian cat. Home Life During Childhood — It started out pretty good, when she was five, they moved to Iraq because of her mom’s work. (She was a technician for the military, high ranking, she wasn’t out in the field.) They moved back to Ireland when Meg was ten. Her mom left abruptly when she was thirteen. She found out later that her parents had been fighting for a while and it wasn’t as abrupt as she thought. Still, her mom didn’t even say goodbye to her or anything, so that sucked. She rebelled as a young teen, smoked, did (minor) drugs, etc, etc. Had a boyfriend at the age 13. Once she got into secondary, she settled down a bit because she was actually being challenged in school and really enjoyed herself. Town or City Name(s) — Cork, Ireland -- Baghdad, Iraq -- Cork, Ireland What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — Posters everywhere, always looked like a tornado had blown through. Oscillated between girly and punk. Any Sports or Clubs — Book club, chess club, football Favorite Toy or Game — Crosswords. Also Clue. Schooling — Went to public schools and military schools, got her undergrad at Dublin, masters at Oxford, PhD at Cambridge and then La Sorbonne. Favorite Subject — History Popular or Loner — Loner, but had a loyal group. Important Experiences or Events — Her mother leaving/getting accepted to school/living in Saudi/her experience with her ex Nationality — Irish Culture — an Irish/Indian/Middle Eastern hybrid Religion and beliefs — Spiritual, but doesn’t exactly have a religion, much to her father’s dismay.

Physical Appearance:

Face Claim —  Summer Bishil Complexion — Golden/brown Hair Colour — Dark brown   Eye Colour — Brown Height — 5’3 Build — short but kind of sporty/curvy Tattoos — probably one or two Piercings — ears, had a septum when she was younger, has a nose piercing. Common Hairstyle — usually down or in a high pony, occasionally a braid. Clothing Style — a little femme punk is probably the best way to describe it. Leather jacket, dark wash jeans, boots. Mannerisms — purses her lips a lot, can talk animatedly with her hands and body when she gets passionate about something, but tends to be rather still otherwise.   Usual Expression —

Health:

Overall (do they get sick easily)? — not really? Travel always makes her a little sick though. Physical Ailments — well sometimes her eye sees into the underworld which can give her mad vertigo lol Neurological Conditions — none Allergies —  none Grooming Habits — loves a good groom; treats herself to baths n face masks n such all the time Sleeping Habits — not so great these days, underworld nightmares, am I right? Eating Habits — good, she doesn’t eat beef, loves a good salad, a good curry, lots of protein and good for you food. Exercise Habits —  tries to exercise regularly in a lowkey way, though she has gotten a little worse in the last few months. Emotional Stability — hot temper but tries to control it behind an air of indifference. Body Temperature — runs a little cold, especially these days Sociability — used to be much more extroverted than she is now. Extroversion is her natural setting. Addictions — knowledge. Drug Use — in secondary Alcohol Use — frequent

Your Character’s Character:

Bad Habits — abrasive, snarky, untrusting Good Habits — loyal af, self care af Best Characteristic — loyalty and being like a dog w a bone when faced with a problem. Worst Characteristic — not letting anyone in Worst Memory — finding Canis cheating Best Memory — going on her first dig! Proud of — her degree Embarrassed by — her feelings lol Driving Style — a lil reckless Strong Points — fierce, loyal, smart, a bad bitch Temperament — easy and quick to anger, always bitter Attitude — needs an adjustment Weakness — her heart and thirst for knowledge Fears — becoming invisible (not successful in her career, with no friends.) Phobias — none Secrets — so many Regrets — Canis. Feels Vulnerable When — she feels emotions for someone Pet Peeves — so many things but mansplaining is the original sin Conflicts — trust v preservation Motivation — being successful af Short Term Goals and Hopes — publish a book Long Term Goals and Hopes — be the best known in her field Sexuality — bisexual Day or Night Person — night Introvert or Extrovert — introverted extrovert Optimist or Pessimist — pessimist af

Likes and Styles:

Movies — Indiana Jones, The Mummy Movies--the classic archaeological films, of course. Also into horror movies and slashers, to the concern of her parents. Though, she also had a soft spot for certain romances: Titanic and Moulin Rouge. Her absolute favorite is Big Fish. Good luck prying that out of her. Books — loves books. Prefers nonfiction but can get into a good fiction. Magazines — none Foods — Indian food. The thing she always missed being away from home was her dad’s cooking. Drinks — Big water drinker. A water with a little lemon is her go to. Also, vodka with a little lemon. She’s not picky. Especially these days. What? She can hold her alcohol. Animals — Owls, or púcaí, which is an Irish creature that was always benevolent to Meg, since she was born on Puca day. Sports — loves a good game of football  Social Issues — women’s rights, anything discriminatory she’s fiercely against Favorite Saying — some old middle eastern proverb probably Color — purples and pinks, they’re soft, lovely colors. She doesn’t wear them very often, but they’re definitely her favorites. She has like purple binders and a purple phone case, stuff like that, where you can definitely pick up on her favorite. Though, her favorite shade is probably a magenta kind of color, as that is what the “purple” of the ancient world would look like. She also is a big fan of turquoise and owns a lot of turquoise jewelry, both because she likes it and also because it has protective powers. Clothing — loves her leather jacket, wears lots of boots and darker colors. Jewelry — usually can be seen wearing a decent amount of jewelry. Games — clue is her fave, also likes word games and puzzle games, etc. Music — Dad rock. Loves KISS, Bruce Springsteen, Pearl Jam, The National, Counting Crows. Classics like Queen and the Beatles, etc. She also loves some good girl groups and artists. Definitely a fan of Florence and Beyonce, Elle King, Ginny Wigmore, Aretha Franklin, Christina Aguilera--I could keep going. She’s an avid music-consumer. Definitely that person that hung posters on their wall and was obsessed with certain band members and groups.  Greatest Want — to be the very best, like no one ever was Greatest Need — to learn to trust in her heart

Where and How Does Your Character Live Now:

Home — Castle Suites Household furnishings — modern n chic, tho also lots of books Favorite Possession — probably her books Most Cherished Possession — the recipe book her dad gave her when she moved out the first time. Married Before — nope, was secretly engaged though Significant Other Before — a few dates here or there but she was always focused on her studies Children — god no Relationship with Family — she’s a daddy’s girl for sure, but they’ve been distant since the Ifrit. Car — none, she can drive tho Career — archaeologist/professor Dream Career — exactly what she’s doing Dream Life — exactly her life minus the huge betrayal and the Ifrit. Though, the Ifrit has its perks. Love Life — no. Talents or Skills — has access to pretty unlimited knowledge thanks to the Ifrit, but she’s hella smart on her own. Knows several languages, also really sharp reflexes. Intelligence Level — high Finances — stable

[arihi]

Entranced 2018 Recap

I typed this out like, earlier in the afternoon, but Tumblr ate it. Clearly, it was a sign, and that means this version will be much shorter than I anticipated the first one being.

So my flight on Thursday was at around the time I usually fall asleep, 5 AM, and I had to leave home at 3 AM to get there. Attempts to sleep before and during the flight were...not good. By the time I touched down in Chicago and had breakfast and lunch and others were planning to walk around the city, I was dead on my feet and wobbling and unsteady, so I wound up taking the subway plus driving back with @tennfan2, who was such great company and conversation that I couldn’t sleep anyway! I finally crashed after some 24 hours + of being awake.

I spent a majority of my time Thursday night and during the con generally mostly hanging out in the ever-wonderful @sebsteerpike‘s Seb Lounge with friends both old and new. I actually didn’t get to meet a lot of people I wish I met, or didn’t get to spend enough time with some people. I wish I had been downstairs a bit more often, but I had anticipated being a bit low-energy and tired so I suppose it was as expected. Thank you @entrancedhypnocon whatever TUMBLR FINE don’t tag them but thank you, to everyone who made this event possible, for your work and effort into this space that means so much to so many people.

The most notable event of Friday and, to be perfectly honest, the entire con was the amazing femme flirt dinner orchestrated by @ellaenchanting and @sex-obsessed-lesbian Friday evening. A+++ presentation, you guys. And you guys I wore a button down shirt and a TIE A TIE A TIE I WORE A TIE THAT @zanythoughts GOT FOR ME AND WE WORE EACH OTHER’S POCKET SQUARES AND WE MATCHES AND AAHH I HAVE POCKET SQUARES NOW AND A THIRD TIE and it is blue and patterned and I love it I love it so much. Thank you for the tie and pocket squares, and for the lovely ramen socks which I am currently wearing right now.

I got a ton of compliments on rocking a tie which honestly just put me over the moon and my voice would raise three octaves as I re-explained to every poor unsuspecting person who was just trying to compliment me how @zanythoughts got me the tie and how our pocket squares matched the other’s tie. The evening was full of fun and chatter and amazing flirting techniques. I have since, in conversation with another friend, ended every other sentence with “Eyyyyy, finger guns” *tongue clicks* as prime flirting technique. She has called me a trash monster and wishes longingly of the days before I went to the femme flirt dinner. It is kind of the best.

Saturday was the wonderful GFD class taught by @dommestic and @ellaenchanting which was both informative and super engaging, and quite honestly brought out just a litttttle bit of toppiness in me. I mean, it’s hard not to when you are at this awesome class, jam packed with people sitting on the floor and standing because there aren’t enough chairs. It was an absolutely wonderful class.

Other highlights: I also got this nifty pin from @dommesticpet (two, actually!) and have kept that nearby since I got home from the con. Thank you for this little reminder of my home away from home.

@enscenic‘s banana bread which I gnawed on and was a good snack/meal when I did not have any.

The awesome ramen lunch I had Monday afternoon before I left.

The late night talks and silliness I had with my wonderful roommates @zanythoughts and cereal and ramen at 3 AM in the morning.

I could go on and on into inside jokes and memories, but I shall spare you my slow descent into incoherent words and babbling, and just know that I look upon all these memories fondly. I’ll tag some friends and just understand that I might forget some names because I’m still exhausted and because there are so many good people about! In true hypnocon recap fashion, I do have at least two more recaps. Look forward to them soon!

I have been listening to The Greatest Showman (no surprise there) the past day and I’m reminded of the lyrics from Come Alive: “Come alive, come alive, go and light your light, let it burn so bright, reaching up, to the sky, and it’s open wide, you’re electrified. When the world becomes a fantasy, and you're more than you could ever be, 'cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open. And you know you can't go back again, to the world that you were living in, 'cause you're dreaming with your eyes wide open. So, come alive!”

I come alive at these cons. They mean so much to me and everyone that I meet, friends that I haven’t seen in ages and people I meet for the first time, make my con special. I’ve spoken before of how these cons feel dream-like, separated from time and space. It’s like dreaming with my eyes wide open. When I’m here, I’m more than just me. I feel so much more than I could ever be. And thank you all for being a part of these happy times, for lifting me up, for your support, your encouragement, and your care.

Thank you all for the experience and the memories.

@zanythoughts @unlockingwonderland @knowing-smile @fayvie @erogenousmind @convoluted-moonscape @lily-ackerman @mr-ackerman  @the-inquisition-scmh @bunbunlittleone @sex-obsessed-lesbian @silentstream9 @spiralturquoise @enscenic @darthkyra @carneggyblog @kittykatkatja @tennfan2 @hypno-sinner @sebsteerpike @sleepnowkay @ellaenchanting @undersleeper @watch-the-crystal @dommesticpet @dommestic @liminal-wanderings @pollyannadom @thehypnobunny @people that I hung out with that I KNOW I’m forgetting someone, god, please forgive me. Tumblr why won’t you tag some of these people? I like these people. Please work.

[neuroweird]

all of the lesbian asks, my dude

Lesbians Asks 

1 )  Femme of Butch? 

I consider myself more futch, but I like both either, all lesbians.

2 ) Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

I have an emotional type. Someone who shares some similar interests, but has unique interests as well. Personality traits that complement each other’s, a love language I can work with. Someone with whom a relationship is an adventure and a learning experience. Someone who is adventurous with food and at least some inclination toward healthy / active lifestyles.

3 )  Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

Plaid button up under a leather jacket.

4 )  Describe your style.

Chronic pain chique? Grey tone futch with a pop of colour? 

5 )  Describe your aesthetic.

My “personal” pinterest board.

6 )  Favorite article of clothing?

My grey speckled crewneck sweatshirt. 

7 )  Favorite pair of shoes?

My running shoes, bc that’s where my orthotics are.

8 ) Current haircut? 

Just long enough to put a tiny little ponytail in it, but short enough that not all my hair fits. Also an undercut at the back.

9 )  Any haircut goals for the future?

Currently growing it out. I want it long again, which I haven’t had since I was like… 12.

10 )  Describe the best date you’ve been on.

I’m like the worst person to ask this, since I’ve only gone out with my gf. We went out for brunch on our anniversary two years ago and it was very sweet.

11 )  Describe the worst date you’ve been on.

It was with this trans guy who I didn’t know was a trans guy for the first month I knew him. He had a gender neutral (Jules) name at the time so I just thought he was butch. My friend told me that he was a trans guy and I was like “wow thank god I never misgendered him to his face”. 

He asked me  out and sort of misheard me when I said “my mom and sister love chocolate but I like savoury foods more”… so he took me to this place called Coco70 which… only sells chocolate dishes… and then we missed the more date appropriate movie we were gonna see and saw Hunger Games (2?) instead.

He was really so sweet, but I didn’t think I was right for him because he was self conscious about how much taller I am than him. He tried so hard to make it special and I appreciated that, but boy was it awkward after I told him I didn’t think I could date him anymore. 

12 )  Single? Taken? 

I’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years now, but we’re open with it. Thus I am very much open to dating other girls. 

13 )  If taken, talk about your girlfriend.

Alice is a lovely person! She adores her cat, and is an amazing writer. She’s a take no shit kind of person, and I appreciate that. She is caring to the point of stressing herself out, she loves to cook (she’s a great cook!).

14 ) If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

Everything in 11, but also someone whose idea of “clean” is complementary to mine, similar desires about kids, adventurous ideas about sex? Career ambitions? Likes cats/dogs/both? Someone who would want to be active/better our health together. 

15 )  Describe your dream wedding. 

Oh my gosh. I cannot possibly do that. I have a “weddings” board on pinterest with different ideas. Nothing too extravagant, nothing too small. Balanced. It would depend on the woman I’m marrying 100%.

16 )  Do you want kids? 

I do !  I am uncertain about the method of becoming a mother, but I’m not opposed to adopting, having a donor, myself or my partner carrying the baby (or babies). It all depends really. But yes, I want to be a mother. 

17 )  If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Somewhere not too hot but not too cold. I’d really love to be successful enough to have condos in cities around the world. 

18 )  Favourite lesbian movie. 

God. I’m a cliche. It’s Carol (2015).

19 )  Favourite lesbian novel/story? 

Carol. Again. I need some lesbian book recs. Can I say my own? Because I’m writing my own. 

20 )  Favourite lesbian song? 

Talia by King Princess? 

21 )  Favourite lesbian musician? 

I am… uncultured… King Princess? 

22 ) What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

I lean on everything, and dyke spread.

23 ) Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

My girlfriend’s neighbours thought I was her bc we both had buzz cuts when I visited her, despite her being like 4-5 inches shorter than me.

24 )  If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

I love having matching jewelry with who I’m dating. Get me a necklace or a ring or something and have one for you too? I’m all yours. Also my love language is “words of affirmation” and “receiving gifts”, the latter of which means that I love gifts, but it doesn’t have to be a monetary item, it could be a cool rock.

25 )  Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

Not having to give men any attention. 

26 )  Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

I like either but I enjoy cats for size and their independence. 

27 ) Turn ons. 

I need to leave a little bit of mystery. 

28 ) Turn offs?

Lack of cleanliness, condescension?

29 )   Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

I am a huge coward, and unless there is some mutual interest I just die a little until I either break tell them I want to date them or drop hints until they do? Alice and I just literally decided to be in a relationship, there was no real dating-asking.

30 )  What is your dream career?

Screenwriter, novelist, filmmaker. 

31 )  Talk about your interests or hobbies!

I write a lot, I’m working on a few novels and screenplays. You can find my work at @melrosiewrites​ which is my writeblr. I also dabble in photoshop, and read quite a bit. 

32 )  What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

Usually her face. A nice smile is very captivating. 

33 )  Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

It would be nice not to get petty crushes on all my friends. Does that say enough? 

34 ) Ever fallen for your best-friend?

Nope.

35 )  Ever fallen for a straight girl?

Nope.

36 ) The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

I watched it. I was a bit young for it. What a mess. 

37 )  Favorite comfort food?

French fries? Sushi?

38 ) Coffee or tea? 

Tea, with honey. 

39 )  Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? 

Omnivore, but not against going more plant based. Definitely prepared to accommodate someone’s diet (choice or allergy based). I would like to buy more organic, free range, meat. 

40 )  Do you have any pets. 

Not at the moment. 

41 )  Early riser, or night owl? 

I prefer being up early, but I don’t like alarm clocks, I’d rather the sunlight wake me. I go to bed at like 10 PM. 

42 )  What is your sign?

Taurus. 

43 )  Can you drive? 

I cannot. 

44 )  Who was your first lesbian crush? 

The only openly gay girl in my highschool, who’s a little dumb bc I told her twice that I liked her, but she was very surprised when I told her the second time. She is so butch and now she’s married and a mom! Her wife is expecting their child soon. I’m so happy for her.

45 )  At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

I knew I wasn’t straight when I was like 14? But I identified as bi for most of highschool. I only decided I was a lesbian when I was 18. 

46 )  At what age did you come out (if you have)?

Probably soldily after I got with Alice. So, a little over 5 years ago. 

47 ) Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

I would marry Sarah Paulson in a heartbeat. Okay. Otherwise. No serious crushes.

48 ) Talk about how your day went. 

I bought maroon gloves that match my scarf, three face masks and those loopy hairbands before class, then bought Timmies for lunch, and have been answering all of these while listening to a guest lecturer in my “the city after dark” class. I’m going to help a family friend with her daughter’s birthday party after.

49 )  Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future.

Able to afford everything I need to better my health and maintain my health. My dream wardrobe, my dream home (homes?). I want to be challenged in my creative passions, and I want to share them and be a well known screenwriter and filmmaker. 

50 ) Least favourite gay celebrity? 

Uh. Aub*ey Pl*za? She said something a bit distasteful and a bit transphobic a while back, but otherwise I just don’t really like her vibe. Not too deep. 

[falseandrealultravival]

Woman Pregnant A Man: Lou Salomé（Lou Andreas-Salomé）

Have you ever heard of the name Lou Salomé? She was the daughter of a French-Russian general (1861-1937) and was a literary talent.

However, that literary talent has not been evaluated so much now, and it is said that the friendship with a man who is a genius is miraculous. Nietzsche (1844-1900), Rilke (1875-1926), Freud (1856-1939) and other top-notch men.

  Nietzsche proposed to Lou, but was refused, and after that he wrote "Thus Spoke Zoroaster". Freud already had a method of "psychoanalysis" that he had pioneered himself, and since they were both adults, even if there was a respect = trust relationship between Lou and Freud, it never became a sexual relationship.

   Rainer Maria Rilke was the most influenced by Lou. Lou met at the age of 36, when he was 22

, after married a scholar named Andreas. However, the love that struck them brought them to the abyss and heights in a sense.

   Until then, Rilke was a poet who wrote lyric poetry, but when he met Lou, he began to write magnificent poems. For example:

    Quiet friend, translated by Toshihiko Katayama

  Feel, quiet friends living in the distant places

I hope your breathing is even more widespread.

Throughout the pitch-black bell tower

Make a sound and roar. Something that eats you

  It's a force-above you, the food.

Before you go in and out, take the path of transformation.

How much is your most painful experience?

If drinking is bitter to you, turn it into wine.

  This night at the crossroads of all your sensuality

A mysterious power full of water

Before becoming-the meaning of a rare encounter with those sensuality.

  And if you are forgotten by this world

Say to the quiet land- "I will blow".

Say to the torrent- "I am."

  (From Sonnet to Orpheus): “Bridge to Poetry “(Makoto Oooka: Iwanami Shinsho)

    ... and so on. (This poem was taught by a friend of Hitotsubashi University, such as "Literary Youth.") From anyone, I think Lou was "Femme Fatale: A Woman of Fate" for Rilke. Like Nietzsche, the man who went out with Lou had some kind of chemical reaction in his mind, and of course he couldn't give birth to a human child, so I think he would do some ideological big work. And when Rilke broke up with Lou, when he closed his short life, he said, "I want you to ask Lou what was wrong with me." It was "Femme Fatale" until the end, Lou is for Rilke.

  I also had a woman who should be called "Femme Fatale". I made a "disaster prevention pamphlet" for her who lives in the city, made about 100 copies, donated a part of it to her, and started living alone in the mountains. This pamphlet was the source of the 1999 publication of "Plucking the Buds of Disasters" (MBC21 / Tokyo Economy). I was also made pregnant by her. (I think it would be a good idea to discuss my example mentioned here in the same line as Rilke, but oh ,I wrote it.)

  References: Lou Salome Love and Life (Chikuma Bunko) The expression "a woman who makes a man pregnant" was not in this book, but in another book, but I forgot the name of the book. It was.

   A word of the day: The word Salomé , or Salome, is said to mean "peace" in Hebrew. Speaking of Salomé , two women are famous. One is a princess who wants the neck of John the Baptist, and the other is one of the women who tried to add perfume to Jesus who died after being crucifixed.

 Lou Salomé may be closer to the princess Salomé in a sense. Shiva, the god of destruction and creation in Hinduism in India, and his wife, Kali, who kills him. Shiva-Rilke, Curly-Zalome. (Shiva is said to be reborn again after being killed by Kali.)