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bldhrry · 2 months

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gold rush

Cassian x Fem!Reader Summary: After stopping your father from clipping your wings, Rhysand offers you refuge in Velaris at the House of Wind. Living with Cassian isn't terrible but he is loud and annoying and overly interested in you. Despite his overbearing nature, you can't help but start to fall for him. Masterlist

warnings: cursing, abuse, suggestive language, kissing

word count: 9.2k

author's note: lil cass slow burn! hope you like it n lmk what you think!

When you woke that morning with blood soaking your sheets and legs you knew you stood no chance against the expectations of females in the village. You hid your ruined bed sheets and night clothes in your closet and despite an hour in the bath, your scent was simply too strong and your father pieced it together quickly.

The start of an Illyrian female’s cycle was the death of her wings and you were desperate to save them. You loved your wings; they were unlike any of the other villagers. Unlike their dark brown, yours were a reddish pink and the sun shone through them easily revealing all the intricate veins that hid beneath the skin.

Your father chased you around the house and despite efforts to dodge his attacks, he cornered you in the kitchen and before you knew it he had your hair in his fist, dragging you to the village square. You were to be made an example to the other females in the camp that this was inevitable and although you were the daughter of a camp lord you were not an exception to the culture. Your wings were not meant to be used; they were simply decorations and nothing more.

You had put up a fight, kicking and screaming and scratching your father and when you had managed to escape his grasps, the other lords were quick to tackle and pin you down. A few received bites and threats, but this wasn’t anything they couldn’t handle. This was an almost everyday occurrence.

Your father threw you on to the stone pavement and you rose to your hands and knees and tried to scramble away but he grabbed your ankle, pulling you towards him and flipping you around.

“I fucking hate you,” you snarled at him, kicking his stomach.

It was raining so bad you could barely see what was going on but you felt him release his grip on you but it was quickly replaced by another set of hands and your father made his way behind you. He grabbed the talon on your left wing and pulled you up so you were on your knees and through the rain you could see the glint of the knife he held in his hand.

You started to cry, your tears mixing with the rain that was pouring down your face. “Please,” you begged, twisting in his grasp.

You tried keeping your wings tucked in so he wouldn’t be able to destroy them, but it was to no avail as he forced them open and pierced it with his knife.

You screamed and fell forward on to your chest. Whoever had been grabbing you was gone and you crawled away from your father, the knife still lodged in your wing. He maintained his grip and the more you moved, the more the knife ran down the muscles, tearing them apart.

The rain was so loud you didn’t hear the footsteps approaching or the voice that demanded your father to stop. But you felt it. The knife was ejected and you felt the weight of your father off your back. You didn’t stop to see what had happened. You pushed yourself up to your knees and stumbled; your left wing couldn’t move, throwing you off balance so you staggered forward, trying to find some place to hide but the rain made your visibility almost nonexistent.

A hand, large and firm, grabbed your wrist and without thinking you whirled around, your fist connecting with a nose. The movement threw you off balance again and you stumbled backwards into someone else, this time their chest. They tried to straighten you, but again, you raised your fist and swung, but whoever it was had a quicker reflex than the previous person and grabbed your wrist mid air.

“I’m here to help.” The voice was deep, but elegant.

You tried to pull back, but their grip was too strong. “Get the fuck away from me,” you growled.

They stepped closer to you and you squinted and as their face came into view you let out a small gasp.

It was Rhysand, the High Lord of the Night Court.

Rhysand, with his arm around you to support your weight, and his male companion took you to the healer and there you sat as the healer promised you that the wing would heal and you would still be able to fly.

The male companion, who you had recognized in the faelight was Cassian, the Court’s General.

“You pack one hell of a punch, sweetheart.” He laughed and pushed more tissue into his nostrils.

You had fractured his nose and his face was already starting to bruise. You should’ve felt bad and apologized, but you didn’t. You weren’t sorry and in fact you were proud of yourself for leaving marks on every single person who had attacked and put their hands on you today.

And maybe, just maybe, Cassian should have not grabbed you so aggressively given the situation.

“I’m sorry this happened to you,” Rhysand said from across the room. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He was pissed and he made no attempt to hide it. Despite the law forbidding wing clipping, the practice was still widespread amongst the villages. You were lucky he was visiting that day and that your father was stupid enough to do it while he was there.

You didn’t say anything and you weren’t going to thank him either. He needed to do a better job at preventing this.

So, you let out a breath of annoyance through your nose and straightened yourself, looking into his violet eyes. “Thank you for doing what is expected of you, my Lord.” You drawled out his title, narrowing your eyes at him. This was the one thing he said he would do and yet almost every female in the village had their wings clipped.

Rhysand’s face flushed and he looked down in shame.

Cassian let out a laugh of surprise earning a glare from Rhysand. But Cassian didn’t care. He was in pure awe of you; in awe of the fight you put up, the strength of your punch, and your confidence of chastising the High Lord. You showed no fear, just rage.

The healer gave you an ointment to put on your wing nightly and sent you home, but as you left you stopped, looking around. Your father was receiving his punishment along with the other lords and you knew if you went home it would be chaos. Your mother was gone and you had no other family. You had no home left.

“I take it you have no other family in Windhaven?” Rhysand stood next to you, his hands in his pockets. His gaze was soft, sympathetic, and incredibly apologetic.

You didn’t want to let him see your fear and sadness so you scowled up at him. “No.”

“I have more than enough room at the House of Wind in Velaris. You are welcome to have a home there.” Seeing your apprehension, he quickly continued. “If you wish of course. It is the least I can do.”

You grunted. It was, actually. And you really did need a place to stay. You accepted his outstretched hand and he winnowed you away to your new home and your new life.

You lived with Cassian and Azriel in the House of Wind. They were incredibly kind and good roommates even if they both left their dishes out and never cleaned up after themselves and put their feet up on the coffee table. Okay, maybe they weren’t the best or the cleanest, but at least they were kind and you enjoyed their company.

Your room was on the opposite side of the House from where their rooms were. You claimed it was because you wanted your own space, but really it was to avoid another awkward run in with an almost naked Illyrian.

Azriel was your favorite. He was quiet, kept to himself, and cleaner than Cassian. Every time he spoke it was with a purpose and you appreciated that. You hated nonsensical conversations and that’s the one thing you hated about Cassian.

He had a lot to say about nothing. He asked stupid questions and never stopped talking; you didn’t think you had ever seen him sit in silence. He asked you what you did with your day and when you responded with a one word answer he’d ask you for details; he asked about the books you were reading and what they were about and you wouldn’t have minded this had it not been when you were actively reading.

“How was your day today, sweetheart?” He bounded into the kitchen and you could’ve sworn the walls shook. He always called you that and it was obnoxious but you could tell in the tone of his voice it meant nothing more than a friendly pet name.

“Nothing.”

“Just nothing?” He sat across from you.

You were reading yet another novel and was attempting to have a peaceful, quiet lunch.

“Yes,” you huffed your response hoping he would get the hint you wanted to be left alone.

But Cassian was stupidly oblivious. “What exactly does ‘nothing’ entail?”

“It means I did nothing.” You looked up and gave him a deadpan stare. “I read and went to the library.”

He smirked. “That’s not nothing.” He chuckled at your frown. “I love when you make that face.”

“I’m glad I amuse you.” You looked back down at your book, sighing.

“You do.”

There was something about his tone and the way he said it that made you look up and he was looking at you with an unreadable expression. Something like sadness, and maybe longing, flashed in his eyes and for the brief second you tried to decipher it you were struck at how beautiful his eyes were. They were hazel with more green than brown and if you looked closely enough they had a sheen about them that made them seem alive with mischief.

He quickly composed himself and flashed her a lopsided grin. “I actually think you’re very funny.”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “How interesting.”

He eventually left, claiming he was tired and wanted to take a nap but as you read your mind drifted to that look in his eyes. It cut you inside and you felt an unfamiliar feeling spread in your chest.

Rhysand offered you a place in his Court and his Inner Circle after six months of living there. He would have asked sooner, but wanted to give you time to settle in and look at him with something other than distaste.

You didn’t hate Rhysand. You just wished he did a better job at protecting his people. Wing clipping was cruel and stripped away all autonomy that Illyrian females had, forcing them to rely on the males in their life. It kept them trapped in an endless cycle of oppression.

You knew it had to be difficult, hell maybe even impossible, to regulate all camps and enforce the law. You were rational in that thought process and you couldn’t fault him for that; he was trying his best. But that didn’t mean you couldn’t be angry for yourself and for every female across Illyria.

He made you Cassian’s “Second” despite the fact that you had no formal battle training or knew nothing about how the camps worked outside of the domestic duties of a home. You hadn’t even been born during the war with Hybern. You were essentially a glorified assistant with a seemingly important title. Your job was to accompany Cassian during his visits, or rather inspection, of the camps and check for compliance and the status of the training and would be warriors, and hopefully soon, the integration of females into the training ring.

This, you scoffed at. If Rhysand couldn’t stop wing clipping then how the hell did he think he would be able to force the camp lords to allow females to train?

You didn't care to ask questions, you were just grateful for a job and something to do. There was only so much to do at the House and in the city and you were bored. You had essentially become a librarian with how well you knew the library.

After saying your goodbyes after dinner you were about to fly back to the House when movement to your right caught your eye and Cassian was running after you, a boyish smile lighting up his face.

“Are you excited to be working together?” He breathlessly asked when he came up to you.

You gave him a sarcastic look and smiled. “Enthusiastic.”

His smile faltered and for a brief moment you felt bad, but his face lit back up and he grinned at you. “Well, I think if we’re going to be working together at the camps then you need to learn how to fight. What do you think?”

You mulled this over for a few seconds and shrugged. “I was never allowed to, so I’m not going to be any good at it.”

He waved dismissively. “That’s fine.” Then he leaned towards you, that stupid grin on his face, and much to your disbelief you found yourself tilting your head up, your faces inches apart. “I like a challenge.”

His tone was playful but at the same time it wasn’t. Hidden beneath those four words was a promise. A promise of what, you couldn’t pinpoint, but the way he said it, his voice raspy and dropping an octave made your heart skip a beat and your breath catch in your throat, a familiar heat rushing through your veins. He seemed to notice this, his eyes glancing ever so quickly, but slow enough you noticed, between your eyes and lips.

“I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early at six.”

Training was fucking awful for both you and Cassian. You thought too much about your movements, double guessing yourself which resulted in your stumbling and falling or a strike from Cassian. Wielding a sword and dagger was uncomfortable and felt so unnatural that you had thrown down the ones Cassian gave you a half hour into training. You preferred hand to hand combat much to Cassian’s dismay. The more you trained and the stronger you got, so did your punches and kicks and while he tried to hide the bruises, he couldn’t hide the limping to his room after your sessions.

“You need to stop thinking so hard and just trust your gut.” Cassian told you.

It was a hot Summer day and the sun was relentless as you sweated under its hot rays. Cassian had repeated himself at least six times by now and you were getting so frustrated. He kept coming at you so fast and hard that you didn’t have time to register his movements. And when he did slow down and gave you some space you spent too much time considering his next move that by the time you decided on how to counter, he had already knocked you down.

“If I trust my gut then I would just throw you off the fucking balcony.”

He laughed loudly and shook his head. You were brash and quick witted and sometimes he would press your buttons just to hear what insult and remark you'd come up with. You were incredibly creative with them.

You two had been training for three months at this point and you actually weren’t that bad considering how awful you were in the beginning. He didn’t mind teaching you how to fight and in fact he knew you enjoyed the routine. You were always on time and if he looked hard enough he could see a glimmer of excitement in your eyes. He liked that you always had questions that even followed him out of the ring and he particularly enjoyed the way you sought him when you found something interesting in the countless books he had given you on the art of war and fighting.

You two hadn’t gotten closer so to speak, but you were tolerating his presence a little better than before. As of recently you didn’t mind his pointless talking and incessant questions. He had a loud personality but it suited him well; a big personality for a big male.

He was conventionally attractive and on the first day of training when you had entered the training ring, he was already there finishing his warm up shirtless and sweaty. It had taken your breath away; he wasn’t just good looking, but he was downright sexy. He was beautifully built with broad shoulders and extremely prominent muscles. His hair, jet black, touched his shoulders in waves and his skin was a flawless brown that seemed to glow no matter the lighting. His face was chiseled, resembling a god, and you found yourself admiring it while he was busying himself with preparing whatever he had planned for the day.

You hated that you started to notice all of this and the way it made you feel. Sometimes he would catch you looking at him, your eyes fierce and aflame with something he couldn’t name. You didn’t mean to look at him with such discontent, but you were discontented. He was gorgeous and you liked him. You liked him a lot. You liked his childish and crude sense of humor and his contagious laugh. You liked the way his brow came together when he was concentrating and the way he shifted on his feet when he was thinking.

Cassian liked you too. You were gorgeous with thick hair that reached your mid back with cheekbones that were high and round and a slightly pointed chin; your face resembled the shape of a heart. Your body was unlike anything he had seen before; you had gained a lot of muscle since you had started training and it filled you out in places that he was ashamed to look at. You had a naturally round body with wide hips and thighs and a slightly slim waist; your chest was big and your shoulders wide. But his favorite feature were your eyes; they constantly had an analytical look to them like you could see through everything and everyone. You regarded him with a mixture of interest and indifference and while he couldn’t figure out exactly how you felt about him, he took what he could get and tried his hardest to get and keep your attention.

It was a bit pathetic how hard he tried with you. He followed you around like a lost, starving dog, and the only time he was fed was when you looked and talked to him. The conversations were always short and you never cared to entertain him with a discussion that had no end goal or a discussion that wasn’t started by you. You were selfish in that way but he would take what he could get. Which really wasn’t a lot but he didn’t mind.

You both never forgot that night on the front lawn of Rhysand’s townhouse. Cassian thought of the way your eyes widened and you leaned into him ever so slightly when he did the same and the way your lips, full and slightly pink, parted when he spoke. You also thought of the way Cassian had smiled at you, a mix of joy and seduction, and his eyes, usually a light hazel, were a dark amber that seemed to see your soul in ways that made you want to hide. In your darkest moments you thought of his voice and his breath fanning your face and the way he said those four words made your knees wobbly and you gut tightened.

Cassian didn’t just mean it in the sense that it would be difficult to train you given your inexperience but also in the sense that he knew you would be difficult to get to know. He also knew it would be a challenge to get you to like him, both platonically and romantically. Whether you consciously knew it, you were guarded and armed to the teeth with walls so thick nobody had yet to learn anything about you. You chose your words carefully, but not your facial expressions. You were quick to let Cassian know in little and polite words that you didn’t care about what he was talking about, but your face said you would rather bang your head on the table than hear him speak about the bird that took a shit on his wing as he flew to meet Rhysand and Azriel.

“No training tomorrow,” Cassian told you as you walked out of the ring.

You had a better session today ending with you only falling once and Cassian dodging all of your jabs.

“Oh.”

Cassian could’ve sworn you sounded disappointed.

“Why?” You finally asked halfway up the steps to the House.

“I have an assignment in Windhaven.”

You stopped on the steps and he turned to look at you. Your eyes were sharp as they narrowed on him and he suddenly felt very naked under your stare. He could see the gears turning in your head as you took in the information.

“Shouldn’t I be going with you?” You finally asked after a few seconds.

It was his turn to give you a look, cocking his head to the side. “If you want to, I guess.”

You resumed your walk up the steps, brushing past his arm and he sucked in a breath at the contact. “Well, I think I have the right to go given we are supposed to be working together. Right?”

“That is very true, sweetheart.”

“Yes I know. That’s why I said it.” A few moments passed before you spoke again. “Why didn’t you ask me?” Your voice was soft as you two walked into the kitchen.

He stopped in the doorway and watched as you grabbed two cups from the cupboard and filled them with water.

“I didn’t think you’d want to go. It wasn’t anything personal, I promise.”

You hummed and leaned against the counter. “I know it wasn’t; you’re not that kind of person. But,” you raise your eyes to him, “it would have been nice to be asked. I have a job here too.”

You’re not that kind of person. The statement took his breath away and you tried to figure out why he was looking at you so bewildered.

“I’m sorry,” he gave you a soft smile and lowered his head. His face shifted and his eyes grew mischievous and his smile turned into a grin. His stance relaxed and he crossed one foot over the other. “If I didn’t know any better, sweetheart, I would think you wanted to spend time with me.”

You scowled and he reveled in the way your face contorted when he annoyed you. And you did it often.

“Well, it’s a good thing you do.”

You two left early in the morning before the sun had risen and flew in silence to the camp. You loved flying, especially so early in the morning; the world was so quiet and peaceful and the only life around were the birds who let you fly so close to them you could see your reflection in their eyes.

You never truly felt at peace for some reason. Your body was always wounded up with stress and anxiety and the anticipation of whatever the day was going to bring, but when you were in the sky nothing mattered but the sun on your face and the wind whispering in your ears.

Cassian could see how relaxed you were. A smile ghosted your features and it was probably one of the most beautiful things he’s ever seen. He was looking at you so intensely that he didn’t notice he was leaning towards you until he bumped your wing with his.

You snapped out of your trance and side eyed him and he chuckled. “Sorry.”

You rolled your eyes. “First time flying?”

He blushed and bit his lip. No, he wanted to say, just looking at the most beautiful thing in the world. But he didn’t. Instead, he just straightened himself and led the way.

After another two hours of flying you two landed on the doorstep of Rhysand mother’s house.

“After you,” Cassian held the door open and you walked in.

It was an appropriate size with a living room and two rooms to the left and a kitchen to the right and a set of worn stairs in front of you. A fire was already going in the hearth and it left a warm glow on the furniture and walls.

The size of the house suddenly shrunk as Cassian walked in. His hair grazed the ceiling and he had to turn sideways to get through the door frame. It was a comical scene and to his surprise you laughed, your head tilting back and your eyes squeezing shut. He stilled, his hand still on the doorknob. You looked stunning.

“What is so funny?” Cassian shut the door and leaned against it.

“You look ridiculous. You are too big for this house.” You bit your lip and clasped your hands together, trying but failing to suppress another laugh.

“And that’s funny to you?” He raised an eyebrow.

“No,” your face stilled and you grew serious, standing straighter and brushing your hair over your shoulder. But it quickly dissolved as you let out a snort and covered your mouth, turning away.

He did look insane in this house and you weren’t sure why you found it so funny. You were aware he was freakishly tall and built like a bull, but the House of Wind was so big it made him look an average size. But here, in this normal sized cottage for normal sized people, he looked so out of place and his indifference to it all was hilarious.

“I’m glad my vertical condition amuses you, sweetheart.” He brushed past you taking your bag to your room and to your shock he took his bag to the room next to yours.

“Our rooms are next to each other?”

And without looking at you, Cassian said, “yeah so be careful bringing anyone over; the walls are so thin.”

You hadn’t seen your father since you had moved to Velaris and you were glad for it. You never liked him; he was mean and cruel and had driven your mother to madness and eventually her death. You had never forgiven him for that or any of his misdeeds for that matter. Sometimes you fantasized about his death and how much relief you would feel knowing he was burning in hell, paying for his sins.

You sat across from him during the meeting with the camp lords. You wore traditional fighting leathers and like Cassian you had a sword strapped to your back. In reality you didn’t know how to use it or how to fight, really, but appearances mattered with males who thought they were better than everyone and it mattered to you for them to know just how good you were doing.

Your father’s stare was overbearing as he took in your clothes and weapons and the hard set look in your eyes. You looked just like your mother and he hated that.

“We are just here to oversee the training of the warriors and your preparations for the Blood Rite.” Cassian had an easy going, but threatening smile.

He knew these people hated him. They hated that he was a bastard; they hated how powerful he was; and they hated that he was above them, giving them orders and commands.

Devlon frowned at Cassian. “We have 200 warriors. They train from dawn to dusk. And nearly all of them have qualified for the Rite. What else is there to see?”

Cassian shrugged, rubbing his siphons. The red glow was enchanting and intimidating. “The specifics of our visit are on a need to know basis; I hope you understand.” His smile was sent a chill up her spine.

Devlon’s frown grew but he knew better than to argue. “Fine,” he sighed and waved his hand in a dismissive nature. “Just don’t bother them while they train.”

And with that the group disbanded. You got up along with Cassian and nodded to everyone. They didn’t bother to look you in the eye or say goodbye as they left, but you kept your head high and your hands folded in front of you. This made you appear strong, but in reality you were hiding your shaking hands.

When they all left you let out a shaky breath and cleared your throat, sitting back down in your chair. You wrapped your wings around your shoulders, cocooning yourself within them.

“You okay?�� Cassian’s voice was soft and he placed a hand in between your shoulder blades.

His touch was warm and soft despite the calluses on his hands and you found yourself wanting to lean into it and maybe even ask for more. Instead you moved away from it and cleared your throat, tucking your wings in and standing up.

Facing him, you gave him a tight lipped smile and nodded. “Of course.”

You two strolled through the camp after the meeting. You weren’t really here to oversee the training, but to see about properly implementing the law banning wing clipping. Since you had left, nobody else had been subjected to that abuse but it was only a matter of time that someone did it, causing a domino effect and it would come back in full swing.

You had only been here a day and you already wanted to leave. It was dull and sad here and looking up at the sky you couldn’t help but let out a groan. You missed the sun in Velaris; in Windhaven the sky was always gray and dark like this place was destined to be constantly punished by the gods.

“That bad huh?” Cassian had noticed that you had not smiled once or chastised him for being annoying since arriving. You weren’t sure which one concerned him the most.

“It just sucks here.” The response was juvenile and it made him smile.

“I hate it too.”

You knew of Cassian the warrior, but nothing else except for what you saw at the House. And it hit you in that moment you had never thought to ask and it made you stop in your tracks and you pushed out your bottom lip and squinted up at him. “Why?”

The question threw Cassian off. You had never asked him anything about his personal life.

“Bad memories.” He shrugged. “I lost my mother young and was tossed here having to beg for scraps.” He had a far away look in his eyes and your heart lurched in your chest.

“I’m sorry,” and you meant it.

By the fifth day of the “mission,” you two had come to the conclusion that trusting the camp lords to enforce the ban was futile and that a permanent position in overseeing it was necessary. You had known that from the start and reminded Cassian of such with a sarcastic, “I told you so.”

Cassian was writing out his report for Rhysand and you were laid out on the couch, a book in your hands. He had made little to no progress on completing it; he kept getting distracted by you.

You were laying on your stomach with your head propped up with one hand and the other cradling the book and your leg hiked up, making your backside more prominent than it already was. It was a crazy sight and his head was dizzy every time he beheld you. You were completely enthralled in your book that you did not notice how tightly he was gripping the papers in his hand or the way his knee bounced furiously and the way he shifted ever so slightly in his seat.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how soft your skin would be beneath his hands or the way you would react to his touch, your back arching slightly and your breath coming out in soft pants. You were playing with your lip as you read and he admired their color and fullness and then he pondered how they would feel against his and how you would taste as he swallowed your moans. He could picture it clear as day and it scared him slightly how vivid and real you existed in his mind. Cassian was so trapped in his thoughts that he didn’t hear you calling out to him or hear you walk up to him.

He jerked when you touched his shoulders and you saw how crazed his eyes looked, wide and his pupils blown, drowning out the green and leaving gold in its wake.

“You okay?” You asked, your brow furrowed together in concern.

He had been so quiet all night and it worried you. He was usually talkative and aggravating but he hadn’t said a word since you two settled in the living room. He was staring at the papers but it was like he was seeing through them and his leg was bouncing a mile a minute. You worried you had upset him by asking about his past and you thought of apologizing but you didn’t want to bring it up again and upset him even more.

So instead you opted to leave it to him to tell you if something was wrong.

Your hand was still on Cassian’s shoulder and your face was so close that your hair tickled his arm and he sucked in a deep breath and your scent filled his senses, making his nostrils flare. You smelled like lavender mixed with pine.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, placing the papers on his lap and prayed that it concealed his erection.

He leaned away slightly, hoping that some distance would calm his nerves and you noticed it, feeling your heart sink.

You jutted your bottom lip out slightly and exhaled through your nose, straightening but keeping your hand on his shoulder. “Okay. I was just checking.”

Your eyes locked with his and he still had a look that was a mixture of disbelief and fear and it made you look at him even harder and you found yourself leaning, invading his space again.

Cassian stilled so much he wasn’t even sure if he was breathing anymore. His skin felt so tight and his pants even more so. He could feel his blood pump through his veins and his heart was shuddering with every beat. You were so, so close that it sent an irrational fear through him; anything could happen right now and a million scenarios ran through his mind, all of them including you and him kissing and what happened after that varied.

Leave him be. Back up. Go to bed. The thoughts were so loud but you didn’t move. You were entirely entranced by his gaze and you were rooted in place. He smelled like the aftermath of a forest fire, the air thick with smoke clouding your vision and making its home in your lungs. You felt like you were in a haze of him and you couldn’t find your way out and honestly, you didn’t want to. It was comfortable and warm and oddly safe.

You barely heard yourself over the roar in your ears as you asked Cassian once again if he was okay, but you definitely heard the way he rasped out his response. It was a stangled “yes” and your entire body grew hot, so much so your vision tunneled and you could only see him.

His response wasn’t just a direct answer to your question. It was a response to the unspoken questions floating between you two and he hoped you had understood that. It was also a plea, a one word beg for you to close the distance and let him lose himself in you. He didn’t just want it, but he needed it. He had this ache in his chest since the day he met you that no amount of times he thought about you while he pumped himself into oblivion could quell it. He begged Rhysand to give you a position that would keep you close to him and you didn’t need to train in order to work with him but he made up that excuse so he could spend even more time with you. And it was worth it even if you gave him a blank stare when he said something ridiculous or when you snapped at him for bothering you.

And this closeness was only making it worse. You were so close but so far and he didn’t want to do something that made you uncomfortable and shatter whatever you felt for him, if you did at all. So he stayed where he was, letting you make the decision, praying it was the one where you kissed him.

But to his utter disappointment, you released the grip on his shoulder and pulled away, giving him a pained smile.

“Okay.” You exhaled, expelling the thoughts and feelings and his scent from your body and mind. “Goodnight, Cassian.” And as you walked to your room, leaving him reeling from this three minute encounter, you turned and gave him another smile. “If you need to talk just let me know.”

He gave you a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and felt like he was being stabbed. “Of course. You too.”

Neither of you slept that night.

He spent an hour in the bathroom, making himself finish three times and even then he couldn’t get his erection to go away. You had stood so close to him that he could see the brown that flickered in your eyes and every pore on your face and even now he could smell you on him, like it was clinging to his skin, taunting him.

You didn’t rest either. The bed was uncomfortable and the room was too hot and the blankets made you itch. You couldn’t stop thinking about his eyes and the way his lips were parted just enough you could imagine your tongue snaking its way in, claiming it. If you allowed the thought to fester, which you did, you could see yourself moving against and feel his arms around your waist helping you reach your climax and you could also see his eyes, with their pupils blown, staring into yours, encouraging you.

You made the fantasy stop there. This was ridiculous. You were being ridiculous. You couldn’t say why or rationally curse yourself for these thoughts and feelings, but this was wrong and just couldn’t happen.

It was unrealistic anyway, really. Cassian had lived a life you couldn’t even begin to fathom and though he could act like he knew nothing, he actually knew a lot. He always had an answer to your questions and could go on and on about the endless strategic tactics used when fighting. You could listen to him all day if you could.

You were a camp lord’s daughter from a village that hated the existence of your gender. Your education had been cut short and you were forced to teach yourself basic arithmetic and reading beyond a grade school level. Your dreams were crushed beneath your father’s boot and any flame of ambition was snuffed out and replaced with patriarchal propaganda. You were a nobody wanting a somebody.

You two were complete opposites but were the same in your insecurity: thinking you weren’t enough for each other.

The tension between you and Cassian was so thick that Azriel started to sleep at Rhysand’s townhouse.

You and Cassian still had your morning training sessions but you both pulled your punches and kept your distance which ruined the point of training.

You were avoiding him, too. He still looked for you during breakfast and lunch and made unformatable small talk. You couldn’t bear it and after a few days you started taking your food in your room.

You did want to be around him and hear whatever nonsense came out of his mouth and his pointless questions because you had a gripe with how you felt about him. You felt stupid with the way your mind became foggy when he was near and how you stared at him when he wasn’t looking and most of all how your body came alive when you saw him. It was embarrassing and you hoped by spending less time with him it would go away.

You hated crushes. They were childish and pointless especially when pining after someone like Cassian. You knew so many people wanted him and it was evident the few times you had gone to the city with him. Females and even some males were shameless in the way their eyes trailed his body and the way they openly flirted with him when they stopped him in the streets. You never felt jealous about this because you completely understood the appeal but you knew with how many people he could choose to be with, you wouldn’t be the one he wanted.

Cassian noticed the way you would scurry away when he came into the room and stiffened when he spoke to you and it broke his heart. It aggravated him to degrees he didn’t think was possible. You had no reason to avoid him unless you were put off by the night in the cottage and you didn’t like him anymore, if you ever did. Maybe you were tired of being around him and the way you seemed to detest his presence prior was real and you finally got sick of it. He wasn’t sure but he missed you in a way that was foreign to him; he missed your scowl and raised eyebrow that said ‘are you fucking serious?’ He also missed the way you would curl up on the couch, with your feet tucked in underneath you, and smile at whatever you were reading, holding your lip between your fingers. But he especially missed your eyes and how they saw him. You saw him in a way that was entirely too personal despite you never asking him a question; it was like you could see every single thing about him and sometimes he could see a glimmer of acceptance dancing in them.

He thought about that night in Windhaven and the way you looked at him with concern and a hint of need. The scent of your arousal that night mixed in with your natural scent followed him wherever he went. He would smell it at the most random moments and he was ashamed to admit that it caused a physical reaction that left him biting his lip and stifling his moans and no matter how often came, your name falling from his lips, the craving for you never ceased. It was driving him crazy. He had never felt like this before and he knew that even if he had you, it still wouldn’t be enough. He had the idea that he would never not need and want you.

You had been eating a snack in the kitchen when Cassian sauntered in. He had seen you when he had walked past and decided to essentially trap you so he could get just a few minutes of conversation. He missed your voice.

You didn’t hear him come in but you felt his presence immediately. It was powerful and filled the room and seeped into your pores, making you flush with heat. Your body tensed at it and you glanced up and he was already looking at you, that stupid grin on his face.

“Hey.” It was a greeting but a dismissive one as you looked back down at your book.

“Hello.”

You could hear the smile and joy in your voice and you just knew he was going to bother you despite seeing you preoccupied. You closed your eyes and inhaled through your nose waiting for the avalanche of bullshit that was going to spew from his mouth.

From the corner of your eyes you could see him brace against the counter and scan you. Your body tensed even more.

After a few seconds Cassian sucked in a breath and bit the bullet. “Why are you avoiding me?”

The question was unexpected and you looked up at him and frowned. “I’m not avoiding you.”

“Yes you are.”

“No. I am not.” You punctuated each word hoping he would understand those simple, yet clear, four words.

“You are,” and before the scowl could take root in your face he added, “we don’t hang out anymore.”

“We never did to begin with.”

“Fine, you don’t let me hang out with you.” Now that was more accurate.

You shrugged. “I’ve been busy.”

“Doing what? Walking the house and the city and reading?” His words were dripping with annoyance and sarcasm.

“What I do is none of your concern, Cassian.”

He made a noncommittal noise and sighed through his nose. You noticed the way his shoulders sagged slightly and he took his cheek in between his teeth. “You don’t want to be around me anymore.”

You scoffed. What the fuck? “You’re being absurd.”

“Fine, then let’s hang out. We can go to the city.”

You gave him a blank stare and looked back down at your book. “I’m busy.”

“You’re eating crackers and reading.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose. This was stupid. He was being stupid. “This is being busy for me.” You gestured to your book and before he could counter you added, “and frankly, Cassian, if you’re taking this personally that’s just not my problem. If you think I’m avoiding you, then maybe, you should take the fucking hint.” Your eyes were hard as they stared into him with such conviction he stepped back even further into the kitchen counter.

He made a small noise that you could only discern as shock and a little bit of anguish, but it was quickly replaced with narrowing eyes and a set jaw. “You’re a fucking bitch.”

This made you roar with laughter and you got up, pushing your chair back behind you. “Excuse me? What the fuck is your problem?”

“I try to be nice and do you a favor and be your friend and you act like it’s the most ridiculous thing in the world!” He didn’t mean to get loud with you but he was so tired of being rejected.

“Do me a favor?” You took a step forward. “I never asked. You did that on your own. And have you considered that maybe I don’t care to be more than your roommate? Have you considered that maybe it’s not all about you?”

He matched the distance you took towards him. “And why is that, sweetheart?”

Because I like you. Because whenever I’m with you I feel like I can’t breathe. Because I want you so much I feel like my body is going to explode.

But you didn’t say that. It was too beneath you to be that pathetic over a male. “Because I don’t care about you.”

This stung Cassian, bad. And Azriel and Rhysand, who had been eavesdropping, grimaced at the blow.

Cassian cleared his throat and he felt tears starting to sting his eyes. “Well, sweetheart, that is not very nice is it?”

It wasn’t and it wasn’t the truth but the actual truth would make it too real. You had been pining for him for months and if you said it, confronted it, spoke it into existence, and he rejected you then…you didn’t even want to consider the aftermath. You hated the feeling of falling because you knew sooner or later you knew you would crash and hit the ground.

“I’m sorry the truth hurts, Cassian.”

Cassian took another step towards you and he was so close your chests were touching and you had to tilt your head up to look at him.

“You don’t mean that.”

You let out a breathless laugh. “I just said it, so yeah, I mean it.”

“You don’t.”

“By the cauldron, Cassian,” you hissed and his eyes widened slightly. “I don’t owe you shit. So, do me a favor and fuck off.” You turned to leave and he grabbed your wrist.

He scowled and sucked his teeth. “You’re a fucking coward, you know that?”

You made a face, a ‘what the fuck are you talking about’ face, and it made Cassian smirk. He loved it when you did that.

“Look me in the eyes and say that shit.”

The demand startled you. Not because of what he said, but because of how he said it. Full of anger and rage and a slight twinge of despair. His eyes were hard and dark as they bore into your soul and you sucked in a breath. You knew he was seeing right through you and through the lies that were falling from your lips.

And it was true. You hadn’t looked at him every time you took a jab at him. Instead you opted to look around his face or close your eyes in feign annoyance. This would be your downfall because the longer you looked into his eyes the more you felt like you were drowning, being pulled under and covered in the green and gold and brown that swirled in them.

“I said what I said so deal with it and leave me alone.”

He tightened his grip on you and took another step towards you and you were acutely aware of how close you two were. One move and he would consume you.

“Say it.”

“No.”

“Why? Because you don’t mean it?”

Yes.

“No, because I’ve already said it and I don’t want to repeat myself.”

He snorted. “You’re impossible.” He ran his tongue over his bottom lip and you followed the movement.

You two stood in silence for a few seconds and he saw your expression shift from one of annoyance to longing as you said, barely above a whisper, “if I did,” you cleared your throat and straightened yourself, “it wouldn’t even matter.” You meant for your voice to sound strong and defiant but instead it came out broken and hopeless.

He matched your volume and his eyes turned soft, the brown taking over. “It would.”

You popped your hip out and made a face that said ‘you’re joking, please be serious, and leave me alone.’ He smiled and took his lip in between his teeth. Gods, he loved the faces you made. So real, and transparent, and comical, and expressive. You could say nothing but it all would be said in the ways your eyes narrowed, your eyebrows raised, and the downturn of your lips.

“It would matter a lot because unlike you I wouldn’t lie about how I feel about you.”

You didn’t say anything but you squinted your eyes and tilted your head, once again silently asking, what the fuck are you talking about?

“So, tell me the truth.”

You narrowed your eyes and huffed, stomping your foot. “You know Cassian you are the most obnoxious and annoying person I have ever-” you weren’t able to finish your sentence because Cassian cupped your face and crashed his lips into yours.

It was the most exhilarating feeling in the entire world. His hands, so big and warm and confident in their hold of you, made you melt and the sensation of his mouth working against yours made you see stars. You stumbled with the force and failed your arms slightly to steady yourself, but Cassian removed one hand and grabbed your wrist again, placing it on your chest and you gripped his shirt and threw your other arm around his neck, tangling your fingers in his hair.

You pushed yourself on to your toes in an attempt to get closer to him and with a small groan he arched his body down against yours and tilted his head, deepening the kiss. You matched the way his mouth feverishly overtook yours and it wasn’t long after that he swiped his tongue across your bottom lip asking, no begging, for entrance and you allowed it, moaning as he explored and tasted you.

This was exactly how he imagined you would feel, sound, and taste. This was even better than what his imagination had conjured up these past few months. You were soft beneath his grasp and you moved your body as his hands trailed down your back and under your shirt, gripping your waist. The sounds you made were small and quiet but they vibrated his body and his pants grew tighter and tighter and he feared that if you pressed yourself into him more he would come undone.

You had thought about this moment for so long, too and the reality was so much better. His stubble scratched your chin and his hands engulfed your frame and his tongue dominated your mouth. You wanted to be entirely consumed by him and he was doing just that and it was like the heavens had come to you. Your hands roamed around his chest and shoulders and hair; he was firm and his skin tight as you explored his body and you ached to know every muscle and crevice, every scar and expanse of skin. You yearned to know him and you didn’t think this level of need was possible but here you were, silently, mentally begging for him to take you and reach for the stars.

He pulled away and you followed him with your mouth, a small whimper leaving your lips. Your eyes were still closed, reeling from his touch. Cassian’s eyes were still closed too as he brushed his lips over yours and brushed his nose on the tip of yours. You two were panting, your breaths heavy and moving in synchrony.

A small smirk spread across his face as he brushed his lips against yours again and you tilted your head, trying to capture them in another searing kiss.

“Tell me again,” he kissed you. “Tell me you don’t like me.” Another kiss. “Tell me you don’t care about me.” Another kiss. “Tell me you don’t want me.”

You wouldn’t because it wasn’t true. It was never true. Yes he was annoying and sometimes you detested his presence but at the end of the day he was fun and kind and made it a point to include you in everything he or the Inner Court did. You secretly did like when you asked about your day or what you liked to do. Nobody had ever been interested in you back home; how you felt and what you wanted was of no concern to anybody. All that mattered to your father was that the house was picked up, the laundry was done, and the dishes were clean. It felt amazing to be noticed even if Cassian was overbearing with his interest in you.

“I can’t,” was all you said. It was true. You couldn’t lie anymore. You liked him, you cared about him, and you wanted him.

“Good.” Another kiss; this one was hot and long, making you both moan, leaving you dizzy and throbbing with desire.

“Because I don’t just want you, sweetheart. I need you.”

#cassian fanfiction #cassian fanfic #cassian x reader #cassian x fem reader #cassian x female!reader #cassian x female reader #acotar #acosf #acofas #acomaf #acowar #c writes!#a court of thorns and roses #a court of silver flames #a court of frost and starlight #a court of mist and fury #a court of wings and ruin

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bldhrry · 2 months

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Cassian x Reader Summary: You, Cassian, and the entire world knew you were mates until you weren't. Masterlist

word count: 4.8k

warnings: sadness

author's note: been sitting on this one for a minute. thank you taylor swift for writing the saddest song to exist. as always lmk what you think!

You were young when you met Cassian, a footsoldier, at the war camp you had been stationed at as a healer, but you knew then that he was the one you were destined to be with.

He had come in after a strenuous battle with Hybern’s forces and had a gash down his leg so bad it exposed bones and harbored an infection. He was unconscious and bloody with his own blood and the blood of those he had killed and despite his ragged state he was breathtaking. You worked on his wounds and stayed by his side until he woke up the next morning.

You were reapplying bandages to his leg when you felt him shift and when you looked up he was already looking down at you with a crooked grin.

“I must be dead and in heaven because you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.”

It was corny and in other circumstances it would’ve made you scrunch your nose and roll your eyes, but his chances of surviving the infection were low and you were just happy he had survived the night.

You laughed and tied the bandage, patting it lightly. “Thing?”

Cassian blushed and his eyes widened slightly. “No.” He cleared his throat and you couldn’t help but giggle at the way his eyes shifted around the room in embarrassment.

Before he could explain and possibly embarrass himself even more you stood up and smiled at him. “I know what you mean. I’m happy to see you too.”

He visibly relaxed, his shoulders sagging and he flopped back on the bed.

“How do you feel?” You asked without looking at him, focusing on putting your supplies into your pack.

“Good,” he paused and nodded his head. “Fine.”

Had you looked at him during this brief conversation you would have noticed Cassian’s hazel eyes glued to you, taking in you in like water when he hadn’t drank in a long time. You were stunning and graceful and it was true what he had said, he had never seen something or somebody so beautiful. He felt stupid for saying thing instead of female or person or literally anything else, but if he didn’t know any better he would have assumed you were a goddess taking him away and if it were true he wouldn’t have objected. He would follow you anywhere.

Cassian decided then that you were the one he was destined to be with.

Fortunately for you both, you were Cassian’s primary healer. He saw you every morning, afternoon, and night when you came to redress his wounds and check his temperature. Every time you were in his presence he felt like he couldn’t breathe and there were times you had to tell him to breathe normally so you could listen to his heart and lungs. It was hard to contain his excitement when he saw the sun rise and set itself in the sky because he knew you were coming. He would try, and fail, to make himself look presentable for you so you would look at him longer than 15 seconds and say something other than “how are you feeling” and “are you in pain.”

It was difficult for you to care for Cassian and not gawk at him every time you came to visit. He was gorgeous and charming and surprisingly funny. He asked you about your day and your patients and every few days he would ask if he was your favorite patient. This always made you laugh and you would just shake your head and tell him you had no favorites. This, of course, was not true because Cassian was your favorite patient. He was quiet during your exams and didn’t protest when you checked his wounds or make vulgar comments regarding your body like the other soldiers at the camp. He was respectful and kind and it was the highlight of your day to see him.

You were still with his legion when the war came to an end and the relationship between the two of you had not advanced in the slightest. He was discharged from your care after a week and you saw him rarely in between battles and his duties and while you prayed for his safety during the war, you couldn’t help but hope that he would end up back in your section of the camp.

When the news came out, you sighed a breath of relief; you would finally be able to go back home. You were originally from the Dawn Court and was a prominent healer in your district and you did not hesitate to answer the call to service the army’s wounded.

Cassian found you later that night. You didn’t hear him come in and he swayed in the entrance of the medic tent for a brief second, watching as you meticulously put your supplies away, humming quietly to yourself.

Cassian felt a foreign sense of peace when you were around. He had fought his entire life to get the bare minimum from clothes to food to shelter; he had never known comfortability even when he did have a roof over his head and a full stomach. But you, this female that had blown in with the winds of fate, gave him that peace. Your aura was pure tranquility and he wanted to bask himself in it.

“Hey.”

The voice made you jump and let out a yelp as you turned around, your hand on your heart. “Oh gods Cassian! You scared me.” You let out a small laugh as you observed the warrior in front of you. He had no open wounds save for a few cuts and his face and body was caked in mud. His seven siphons glowed in the dim tent and you watched the light move as he shifted his feet.

“Sorry,” he gave you a sheepish smile and you let out a quiet sigh at the sight.

“It’s fine,” you waved your hand and held your hands together. “Do you need something?”

Cassian’s heart was beating so loud and hard he was worried it would fail him entirely. He shook his head. “No, I just wanted to come see you.”

Your mouth opened in an ‘O’ shape and your cheeks flushed with heat. You tucked a piece of hair behind your pointed ear and looked at the hem of your dress. “For any particular reason?” Your voice was soft and hopeful.

“Yes.” Cassian cleared his throat and suddenly his next words were lost to him and he just stared at you.

You looked back with an expectant and confused look.

“I’m sorry,” he laughed nervously, shaking his head, the mud making his hair stick to his face. “I’m nervous.”

There was an awkward silence and you cocked your head to the side, your brows coming together and you jutted your bottom lip out slightly. This look Cassian would memorize and come to know as your “I’m trying to figure it out” face.

“Why?”

“I want to keep seeing you.” The confession was rushed and his face was a mix of red and brown. “I know we don’t know each other and that’s my fault. You made me so gods damned nervous.” He laughed again and his eyes softened. “I want to see you again. I want to know you.”

Your face lit up and you smiled widely. “I would like that.”

Cassian nodded and gave you a look that you would memorize as his “I’m in love” face and gave you his signature crooked grin. “Good. I will write to you. I promise.”

And he did. You had no more to do once the remaining wounded soldiers became well enough to travel home and you went home too. Cassian wrote to you almost daily and you would laugh and shake your head in disbelief when they would come. His handwriting was atrocious and it took you some time to figure out what he had written but it wasn’t long after that you were able to read his letters so fast that you missed the way you felt when you started.

He came to see you a few months later and it wasn’t as awkward as you both thought it would be. You were different in many ways; he was nearly mannerless and brash and you were timid and observant. But you were also the same in many ways; you both liked to travel and explore and you especially liked to love one another.

You two traveled to see each other and wrote letters until your hands ached before he asked you to move with him. He had gotten a permanent position at the Night Court under Rhysand and bought a small cottage near the sea, something you had said you wanted to do at some point in your life.

You moved with him and you both spent the next 500 years in bliss. Your love transcended unknown boundaries and it was inconceivable the way your bodies survived the amount of affection that coursed through your veins. It was sickening to many just how in tune you were with each other and the looks shared from across the room conveyed things that were unspeakable. It was common knowledge that you two had to be mates. This kind of love couldn’t possibly exist between two regular people in love. This kind of love existed solely for mates. And you two believed it. The bond never came to fruition during the centuries but it didn’t need to and you didn’t need a magical bond to keep you two together. You would love each other regardless and you did so with glee.

It was a sunny Spring day when Feyre’s sister came to Velaris. It was an exciting day, their arrival, and you had helped Feyre the entire day to prepare the House of Wind and their rooms. You were excited to meet them. If Feyre was as incredible as she was, her sisters had to be even better.

They arrived later in the evening with Rhysand and Azriel. You were waiting for them with Cassian in the living room, your hands intertwined as you discussed the upcoming week. He would be leaving for an emissary mission and you were going to see your family in the meantime. You hated not being with him and so did he so you had planned to stay in the cottage once you had come back to make up for the time apart.

Feyre met the four at the door and you and Cassian padded in, giving the sisters time to rejoice in their reunion. Hugs and kisses were shared and then Feyre stepped back, her hand outstretched to you and Cassian. Cassian stiffened at your side and you didn’t realize he had stopped walking until you were two paces ahead of him. You turned to look at him, but his eyes were looking straight ahead, unwavering.

You looked at the direction he was facing and found Nesta, eyes wide with shock and surprise. You turned back to Cassian and his face was not one of shock, but of fear and before you could ask what was happening the scent hit you so hard you stumbled backwards.

You knew what a mating bond smelled like being around Feyre and Rhysand so there was no doubt in your mind that this was that scent. It was strong and felt like a physical wave crashing against the walls in the room and rocking you back and forth.

“Cass?” Your voice was barely a whisper. Cassian looked down at your still intertwined hands and then at your face, his face shifting from fear to anguish and you let out a breath. “Cass.” Your heart was breaking.

There was movement and then a sound like a footstep and you broke eye contact with Cassian to see Nesta had made a step towards you two and before she could take another Cassian had pushed you behind him and squared his shoulders, spreading his feet slightly into a fighting stance.

“No.” Cassian’s voice was rough and low and while it was a command, it was also a plea. No, don’t come any closer, and no this can’t be.

You were thinking the same thing: this can’t be.

Cassian swiftly turned around and ushered you out and you glanced back at Nesta and her face had contorted to rage but you didn’t have time to see what would happen next before Cassian had pushed you out the side door and took you in his arms, shooting you both into the sky and towards the cottage.

You didn’t cry as you flew to the house you had shared with him for 500 years, or when you stepped inside, or when you entered your bedroom, your belongings mixed together throughout the room. You were confused. So confused it felt chronic, like nothing was making sense even though it was painfully obvious.

Your name echoed throughout the house as Cassian tried to talk to you. He begged you to look at him but you just shook your head and waved at him, moving towards your shared bathroom. It wasn’t until you had locked the door that you let out a sob and then another and another until your cries were so loud your ears were ringing.

This was a mistake. You had been with him for centuries. He was yours and you were his and that was final. Not even the Mother could change that, but She was and you were shaking so bad you fell to your knees and clutched your chest. You couldn’t breathe and your heart was shattering in a way that you had feared long ago would happen but soon became confident it would never; he would never leave you and he would never not love you. This, you were so sure of and here you were, screaming into your bathroom mat.

The picture perfect life you had been painting for all these years was being smeared and destroyed. The heaven that you had been living in was slowly turning into hell.

Cassian banged on the door behind you, begging to be let in.

“I’m sorry.” He kept saying and he was. This was not what he had expected or ever hoped to happen. That female was not his mate. You were his mate; you were his other half, his twin flame, the love of his life. “This doesn’t change anything. I promise. Please let me in.” He was crying now, his sobs matching the volume and intensity of yours.

Your world was falling apart and so was his. He didn’t want to be told he was meant to be with someone else. That notion didn’t make sense to him. How could it not be you? The female he fell in love with the moment he saw her bent over his leg, your tongue poking out slightly as you concentrated; the female who would cover him in kisses during his moments of doubt and insecurity; the female whom he loved more than life itself.

Cassian shimmied the lock until it slipped from its hold and he opened the door slowly until it hit something and when he peeked his head in, he saw that the door had hit your foot. You were curled up on the bathroom mat. It was an ugly yellow color and did not match the decor but you looked so happy when you came home with it tucked under your arm he couldn’t not let you have this one victory. The sight of it made his stomach lurch and he knelt down beside you, lifting your head and cradling it in his hands.

You always thought his hands would hold yours until the end of time. They were always so big and warm and inviting, grasping for you in the night and closing the distance between you two. But now they felt so cold and you shrank from his touch. He was no longer yours. He was just a pawn in the Mother’s game. You were just something momentary, something to bide his time until she came along. You were so angry.

“Nothing is changing,” Cassian’s body shook with his sobs. “I promise.” Him and his promises. “I love you. You’re the love of my life.”

You savored those words like it was elixir. You loved the way he said it, with such conviction it could make the mountains shake and the world spin in the opposite direction. And he said it now, through a voice so broken it made you look at him, that you once again believed him. The Mother be damned; she could not and would not do this to you. You were his and he was yours.

Cassian held you so tightly that night that you had to ask him to loosen his grip and even then he barely did. He was so scared of what this meant. He had only seen bonds that were accepted, but what happened to those who rejected it? He didn’t care what happened to him and how he felt, really. He cared about you and what this would mean for the relationship. He did not want to leave you and he wouldn’t. He would go down fighting, teeth bare and knives out, to keep you and the life you had created.

Cassian didn’t leave for the emissary mission and you didn’t go to visit your family. Instead you stayed home and laid in each other’s arms, memorizing once again what it felt like to be held and loved so fiercely.

Cassian abandoned the Court entirely in avoidance of her. He couldn’t even bear to think of her name. He hated her and wished she would go away by any means necessary. It was a morbid thought but Cassian didn’t care. She was not worth the space she was taking up in your mind and he knew how obsessed you had become with what happened. He could see it in the way you methodically did the chores around the house that you were ruminating over the memory and he could almost see the scene in your eyes: the look between her and him, the scent, the realization, and then the moment euphoria turned into misery.

Azriel came to the house first, giving you a sympathetic smile and a kiss on the cheek before stalking to Cassian’s office. They argued about his abrupt leave of Court and while Azriel understood it completely, he was drowning trying to balance his work and Cassian’s. But Cassian didn’t care and told him to leave.

Rhysand came next and the High Lord demanded his return, promising that Nesta would be nowhere near him and he would never have to interact with her. But Cassian didn’t care; he didn’t want to take that chance and he felt like being in the same continent as her was betraying you. They argued, more aggressively than he had with Azriel, until Cassian had Rhysand pinned to the wall.

You rushed in at the commotion and yelled out. “Cassian! Please.” Your voice was quiet despite the scolding and he gave you an exasperated look and released Rhysand.

“He’ll be there tomorrow morning, Rhysand.” You bowed your head in apology and gave him a smile. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

Rhysand didn’t need the apology and he wouldn’t accept it. He understood it entirely and wasn’t even angry at Cassian, not entirely at least. This had been Feyre years ago and it took Rhysand everything in him to leave her be and even then he struggled.

“What the fuck?” Cassian snarled, slamming the door behind Rhysand.

You jumped at his tone and held your hands together. “We have to get back to normal at some point.”

Your eyes were glistening with tears and Cassian’s anger immediately faded away and his shoulders drooped. “I do not want to do this. I do not want to leave you.”

You chuckled. “You’re going to work, Cassian. You’ll be back.”

“And if I have to go on a mission?”

“You’ll still come back. Everything will be as it was before. I promise.”

A year turned into two and into three and your relationship didn’t deteriorate, but it also didn’t progress. It was like you were waiting for something bad to happen, for Nesta to come and demand he come to her, for Cassian to realize he wanted the bond more than you. It was agonizing to live in so much fear. You were scared all the time; you were scared that when you woke up Cassian would be gone or he wouldn’t come home.

But he was always there when you woke up and he always came home.

Cassian made sure to be present in every moment with you. He had moved on from the encounter and was pleased to not feel the bond as strongly as he did that night. He felt it every now and then, a flicker of feeling or a hazy image sent by her but he never cared to explore it. Instead he shoved it away, pushing the bond to the deep pits of his stomach and resumed his life with you. He knew how much you were hurting and he did his best to constantly reassure you of his dedication to you and your future.

The rain was coming down heavily as you prepared dinner. Cassian hadn’t come home yet and you were growing worried. You twisted your hands as you peered out the window, counting the seconds in between the lighting and thunder.

There was a thud outside and then the sound of keys jingling together and Cassian bursted through the door, soaked from head to toe from the rain.

Relief flooded through your body and you made your way to him, a smile so wide and bright it would’ve put the sun to shame. The expression on Cassian’s face made you falter and then you smelled it: Nesta.

“No,” you gasped out, taking a step back.

“Nothing happened.” Cassian was rushing towards you but you kept backing away, bumping into the kitchen counter until you were cornered. “She came into the office while I was waiting for Rhysand. But I left immediately after. I pro-”

“You reek of her,” you sneered.

Cassian stopped a mere feet away from you, his hands still outstretched towards you. “She came to me and I couldn’t get her off me.”

“You couldn’t or you didn’t want to?” This couldn’t be happening.

“Please, listen to me. I was waiting and she came in and ran to me. Please believe me. I got her off of me and-”

“She touched you?” This was happening.

“For the love of the gods you have to believe me.” Cassian was shaking. Either from sobs or the cold from the rain you weren’t sure, but you couldn’t find it within yourself to care.

“Get away from me,” you snarled, sliding past him. Cassian grabbed your wrist and you jerked away from his touch, yanking your wrist free. “Don’t.”

He let you go. The devastation in your voice was clear and there was nothing he could say or do to stop you from thinking and believing whatever you told yourself. He let you go to your bedroom; he let you slam and lock the door; and he let you cry yourself to sleep. And it wasn’t until he heard nothing through the gaps of the door that he let himself in, sneaking into bed and pulling you into his chest.

You woke up the next morning with sore eyes and a pounding headache. The events of the night before came rushing to you so fast you recoiled into something hard. Turning your head, you saw that it was Cassian. He was fast asleep, his mouth slightly open and his arms were tight around your waist. You didn’t remember letting him in but regardless of how he got here you were glad for it. You missed the warmth in your bed but was too upset, and maybe too proud, to allow him in.

You were so upset that Nesta had gotten to Cassian but it made you realize that you were living on borrowed time. You knew that at some point this facade that you were upholding would fall apart and he would be taken away to his mate. His mate. The words branded themselves into your mind and soul and you hated it. For so long you wanted to be his mate, to be bound to him for all eternity, but it never came and you never understood why until now. He wasn’t truly yours and it made you feel like you were being torn from the inside, your organs and muscles shredding under the sharp edges that was the empty space growing in your chest.

“It’s not going to work, Cassian, and you know that.” Your relationship had gotten worse since that night. You were paranoid every time he left the house and he was becoming bitter. Not at you, no never you, but at the situation. His anger was occupying his time more and more these days and he was losing himself in it, leaving you stranded.

“Don’t say that.” He shook his head, his hair framing his face as he looked at you.

You gave him a smile so slight but etched with so much pain and agony. “It’s true.” You let out a breath, trying to contain yourself. “We cannot outrun what fate has written for us.”

“Fuck fate.” Cassian jumped up and balled his hands into fists. “We are meant to be. We promised to be together.”

“You are meant to be with your mate if you have one, and you do.” Your voice was soft, but trembled as you spoke.

“Mates don’t mean anything. Rhysand’s parents were mates and they were horrible for each other. I don’t need to be with my mate. I need to be with you.”

You let out a breath and tilted your head up to the ceiling. Tears were streaming down your face and you were trying so hard to keep your composure. Every bone in your body was screaming at you in protest, but you knew this was the right thing to do. You two were perfect for each other but not anymore. Now you two barely spoke as if doing so would shatter the illusion you had been creating for the past three years. Him angry and you sad, it just wasn’t going to work anymore.

“I can’t do this anymore,” you whispered. “I am so, so sad. And scared. I just can’t do it, Cass. I love you, I do. But not like this. We cannot expect love to change our circumstances. It just doesn’t work like that.”

“It does and it will. I promise.”

“So many promises,” you let out a laugh and looked at him. Your eyes had lost their light so long ago and Cassian had tried everything to ignite them but to no avail. You were completely gone. “I thought this would work.” You clicked your tongue and looked around your home. So many memories and dreams coated the walls, all engulfed in flames that were nipping at your skin threatening to take you down.

You cleared your throat. “It’s better this way. The longer you deny the bond the worse you’ll get. I read about it.” You nodded like it meant nothing, like you were trying to convince him, but really you were trying to convince yourself. This had to be better because what was happening now was not good for either of you.

“Please don’t do this.” Cassian’s eyes were red and his face was wet with tears. He bit his lip to contain his sobs but they kept coming out. He didn’t care about his composure.

“I have to.” You took a step back and kept his gaze. If you looked away you would lose it. You would stay. You would be miserable. You couldn’t do that anymore.

“You’re the love of my life.” The words came out more like a beg than a declaration.

Those six words have meant everything to you for the past 500 years. They made you see stars and feel safe. They put you in a drunken haze that smelled and tasted like Cassian and at this point they had been your religion. You loved Cassian more than anything and you knew you would never love anyone else like you did him. You would never bask in the presence of another like you did with him, you would never cling to another like you did with him, and you would never make another your world like you had him.

What you had was legendary even if it was momentary. So much so that the story of your love would be told for generations to come, one of both happiness and tragedy.

You would never forget him and you never wanted to; you wanted to remember every scar and muscle that adorned his body, his smile and laugh, the way he walked towards you, and the way he felt beneath your fingertips. But all you had of him now was memories, fleeting images and sensations that left you breathless and reeling, yearning for more.

The next six words that fell from your lips, six words so contrary to the ones he and you had shared for so long, would haunt you until the day you died.

“And you’re the loss of mine.”

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