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something-tofightfor · 5 years

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It’s Alright

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Word Count: 3480

Rating: M (language, implied sexual situation)

Author’s Note: This one’s all for you, @benbarnestongue ... happy birthday! (I literally am incapable of writing totally fluffy Billy, but I still think you’ll enjoy it.) *This is not connected to He’s Not Here Billy and reader*

I wrote this in like two hours, so forgive any typos.

Tagging:

@banditthewriter @breanime @obscurilicious @madamrogersstorytelling @suchatinyinfinity @chibiyanai @songtoyou @ethereal-heavcns @editboutique @marauderskeeper @drinix @ilkaeliseb @delicatelilyflower @king4thesirens @blah-blah-fuckit-shit @ymariejp @mr-robot-x @rageshots @shinebrightlikeafanbase @littlemermaidprobz @introvertedlibrary @writing-for-a-chance @yesixoxo @ilikebeachessushiandsmallanimals @likeorions @swiftyhowlz @dylanobrusso @luminex3 @malik-payne @lexxierave @lynne1993 @elanor-of-imladris @bucky-is-my-precious @traeumerinwitzhelden @mfackenthal @weallhaveadestiny @ladyblablabla @sweetybuzz25 @dreamwritesimagines @thesumofmychoices @audreychaz @tc-elliot @dreams-with-thoughts @kind-wolf @gollyderek @honeyydippaa @thesandbeneathmytoes @geeksareunique @its-my-little-dumpster-fire @benbarnestongue @the-blind-assassin-12 @binbonsadoration @ificouldhelpyouforget @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes

Your phone buzzed, but you decided not to check it. No one I want to talk to anyway. It was your birthday, and the one person you wanted to spend it with was the only one that you couldn’t. You’d gotten the obligatory celebration with your coworkers out of the way that morning; cake and a card and a gift card for your favorite sushi restaurant - one of them had even brought you a Red Bull, which you appreciated, but it wasn’t the same. Won’t ever be the same. You frowned, opening your desk drawer and reaching in to pull out the framed photo only one of your coworkers - the one that had brought the Red Bull - knew you still kept. I wish I didn’t have to hide you.

Glancing around to make sure that no one else was looking, you brought the photo all the way out of the drawer and stared at it, biting down on your lower lip. I miss you, Billy. The picture had been taken two years prior, just after Billy had returned from his last tour of duty, and it was one of your favorites. You hadn’t known it then, but it would be the last picture of the two of you together that Maria ever took, Billy’s lips pressed to the side of your head, hair flopping down over his eyes as you laughed, arms around his midsection. You looked happy - looked in love - and even though you now knew that that hadn’t been the case, the picture was still important to you, even though the man in it was a wanted criminal that had broken your heart.

Billy had dropped out of your life almost as easily and quickly as he’d entered it, and for the most part, you were happy that you’d gotten the time with him that you had… but there was a large part of you that still wanted more - even knowing what he’d done, what he’d sacrificed and what he’d chosen to be. Fingers moving over the glass of the photo frame, you sighed, blinking back tears. He’d been good at making you feel all of the things that a boyfriend was supposed to make you feel, but he’d bever fully committed, never tried to settle down with you; it was always about keeping it casual, keeping things loose, knowing that if he called, you’d be there for him, no matter how long it had been since the last time you’d seen him.

But that had changed entirely when the Castles had been killed, Billy choosing to cut you off completely - the same way he had done to Frank, even though there was no explanation. The months passed, and even though you saw him in the news, read about Anvil’s success, saw Billy occasionally on the street, getting into or out of a car that had looked like it cost more than he could have ever dreamed of making in his lifetime, you hadn’t spoken since the last time he’d left your apartment, hair mussed and t-shirt wrinkled from your greedy fingers clutching at it. “I’ll call you soon,” he’d said. “Now that I’m home, we’re gonna have more time.” It had been as close to him admitting that you were more - more than a hook up, more than a repeat - that he’d ever come, and you could still remember your heart swelling with hope at those words, watching from the comfort of your bed, sheet pooled around your waist as you stared at his retreating back; the feeling of his onyx eyes staring into yours burned into your memory.

But there hadn’t been more time, hadn’t been more Billy, and now there you were, two years later, planning on leaving work at 5 and going home to an empty apartment, your phone silenced until morning. Sure, you knew that Billy was still alive after what had happened with Frank, though he’d been injured almost to the point of death. You knew that his surgeries and continued care had cost taxpayers a boatload of money before he’d escaped from the hospital where he was being kept. But what you didn’t know was where he currently was or what he was doing - and since he’d made no move to contact you in the months following his escape, you weren’t holding your breath on hearing from him again. He probably doesn’t even remember you.

Frank had stopped by once to let you know that while he’d allowed Billy to live, his memories were gone, this information having been relayed to him from Agent Madani, who was “keeping an eye” on things while Frank laid low. Of course she is. Though you and Billy had been done long before he’d met the petite woman, you still couldn’t help the involuntary curl of your lip when she was mentioned, your thoughts running wild about how close she and Billy had gotten in those last few weeks. Doesn’t matter. You closed your eyes, shaking your head. I had him before all of that, before he was…

“Hey.” You hurriedly turned the photo over on your desk, looking up at your coworker. “Delivery for you.” Confused, you stood, making your way to the front desk, eyes widening at the small bouquet of flowers and coffee that Alicia, the receptionist pointed to.

“For me?” She nodded, smiling, and you reached for the flowers first, searching for a card. There wasn’t one, but you brought the blooms to your nose, inhaling. They smelled sweet, a mixture of your two favorites - mini sunflowers and bright purple sprigs of lavender - and you couldn’t help but smile. Someone knows me. The coffee was delicious too - it was your order, and you racked your brain, trying to figure out which of your friends would have sent the items to your office without letting you know it was them. Mandy? Jenna? Stacey?

When you settled back into your desk chair, you pulled your phone out, meaning to text them and ask, but you paused as you saw the unread message on the screen - from an unknown number. Get your flowers? Mouth opening in surprise, your fingers flew over the screen, responding.

I did. And the coffee, thank you… but who are you? Your number isn’t saved in my phone. You waited for a response but it didn’t come, and after a few minutes you returned to your work, texting your girlfriends forgotten. I’ll figure it out later.

---

But as you rode the subway home, you were no closer to finding out who’d gifted you with the coffee and the flowers, despite reaching out to everyone in your phone book. Fingers moving over the petals as the bricks flew by outside the windows, you decided not to worry about it - to enjoy your mystery flowers and let it go, chalking it up to a real birthday surprise - and a rare bright moment in your day. You’d find out or you wouldn’t, and you had a feeling that you’d know sooner or later; none of your friends could keep secrets. Stepping off of the train and hurrying up the stairs with a crowd of people, you found yourself on the sidewalk, hurrying toward your apartment building with a small crowd, carefully shielding the flowers from being jostled by the people around you.

As you unlocked your door and stepped inside, mind on what you were going to order for dinner, you stopped suddenly, looking around the room. Someone was here. Nothing was gone from the apartment and the door had been closed tightly, but it felt off, felt…dark. The blinds are all closed and the lights are off. “You really should lock your windows.” Your hand tightened around the flower stems, eyes darting around the room. No. “Makes it easier for assholes to get into your place when you’re not home.” The kitchen. You stepped toward the small room, heart pounding.

“B...Billy?” You blinked, holding the bouquet in front of you like a sword, even though you knew it would do no good if he rushed at you. “Is that… are you here, Billy?” The lights were off, and you stopped in the doorway, hand reaching out toward the switch.

“Don’t.” His voice was hard and you stopped moving. “It’s better if it’s dark, I don’t wanna show you… you don’t want to see my goddamn face.” No, Billy. I do, I really do. You found it difficult to breathe, knowing that Billy Russo was back in your apartment after so many months, mere feet away from you - and he was hiding in the shadows. “It’s alright, I’m not gonna hurt you, I just wanted to…”

“You already hurt me, Billy. Nothing you could do to me now would hurt worse than you leaving.” Though you didn’t want to be angry at him, you couldn’t help it, months of feelings bubbling over in only a few seconds. “It’s not alright, it never was, I -” You stopped speaking as you felt a hand close around your wrist, breath leaving your body quietly. Oh my God. “Billy…”

“I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” You sensed him stepping closer to you, making out his silhouette in the dim kitchen, eyes moving up his lanky body. “I thought you’d know it was me - the coffee and the flowers and… but I guess…” He sounded lost, and you heard a crinkling noise as your grip on the plastic encasing the flowers tightened before you set them down on the counter. “You didn’t even think of me.” Without thinking, you reached out with your free hand, palm making contact with his chest. He was wearing a zipped up sweatshirt, even in the heat of the late summer; you could feel the cool metal beneath your hand.

“You left me, Billy. Without a word… why would I think that after all this time, you’d send me flowers?” You curled your fingers, hearing him inhale, his fingers tightening on your wrist. “I didn’t even know if you remembered me or my birthday, I thought -”

“I’d never forget you, no matter how bad Frankie fucked up my face or my head.” You said his name softly, head hanging down. Of course, his face. That’s why he doesn’t want me to… Billy’s looks had been important to him, and even though you’d told him time and time again that you didn’t care what he looked like, that you cared only about him as a person, he’d never believed it after so many years of being told that his appearance was the only thing people thought he was good for. “Look, I can’t stay, I just wanted to see you and tell you happy birthday, I wanted to…” He stopped and you felt him step fractionally closer, the scent of him filling your nose. I can’t let him walk out, I can’t…

“Why?” You swallowed, the hand on his chest moving up slowly. “Why do you have to leave?” You shook your head, knowing that he probably couldn’t see it. “Where do you have to go?” He pushed your arm against the wall, fingers only inches from the lightswitch. “Let me see you, Billy. You came to … let me see you on my birthday.” He didn’t speak, and your hand had found the bare skin at the base of his neck, fingertips stroking over it as if no time had passed, as if he hadn’t abandoned you two years ago without a word of warning. “Please?”

He still didn’t speak, but he adjusted his grip on your wrist, pushing your hand closer to the switches. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes and flicking the lever upward, bathing the kitchen in fluorescent light. Gaze darting up toward Billy’s face when they opened, you widened your eyes as you saw that he had an oversized hood pulled up over his head and was looking down, only the bridge of his nose visible. Stepping even closer to him, you used the hand on his chest to reach up, pushing the hood back slowly. Whatever you see, don’t react. His eyes stayed focused on the floor, even as the hood fell completely, exposing his close-cropped hair and the upper portion of his face, two long scars on his forehead.

You swallowed, and then said the first thing that came to mind. “I like the haircut, Russo.” He looked up, mouth falling open in shock, and you got your first glimpse of his entire face. You bit your lip, looking head on at the man in front of you and hoping that your expression wasn’t betraying you. Whatever you’d expected, you weren’t seeing. Billy’s once handsome face was still handsome, the jagged scarring on his cheeks and next to his eyes as well as along the bridge of his nose doing very little to detract from his looks. I… it’s still Billy. Cautiously, since you didn’t know how he’d respond, you brought your fingers up to touch his cheek, thumb rubbing gently over the divot in his skin just above the line of his beard. Billy leaned into your touch, eyes still on your face and you smiled at him - a genuine response. “Beard might take some getting used to, though…I’m not used to seeing so much of your cheeks… or your neck.”

“What?” He questioned you quietly, finally letting go of your arm and reaching up to rub a hand over his salp, shaking his head. “Look at me, I’m…” He paused. “My face, it’s….”

“What, Billy?” You narrowed your eyes, though not unkindly. “Scarred? You deserved it.” His nostrils flared, but he didn’t move away, and you continued. “You could be dead, Billy. Isn’t this better?” You shook your head, reaching up with your other hand, tracing the curved line beneath his eye before swiping your thumb against the birthmark just above it. “I don’t know what you remember, or what you don’t, but if you know that Frank did this, you must have an idea why.” He nodded, still seemingly in disbelief that you weren’t cowering or pushing him away, that you hadn’t stepped back. “Alright, Billy. Then you know it’s not the end of the world, it’s just some scars, just….” You stopped as he raised his hand to you, palm settling against your cheek as he rubbed a thumb over your lips, the end of his nail catching on your full bottom one after a few seconds.

“I’ve been watchin’ you.” He licked his lips, and though he sounded unsure, the look in his eyes wasn’t. “Ever since I got out, I’ve been waitin’.” Billy shook his head but you didn’t drop your hands, still holding his face between them as tenderly as you would if you knew you’d never get the chance to do it again. You might not. “I shouldn’t have left you before, but now you know why I did. I… got into some real bad shit, you know? And I hated myself for it.” He laughed and you saw that his eyes were bright with unshed tears. “I had a lot of time to think, both before and after this happened to me… and I know it was fuckin’ wrong, and I shouldn’t have done any of it, but I wanted… I needed to feel… important.” You stayed silent, unwilling to interrupt Billy when he was being so honest with you. “There’s still lots of things that I don’t know, that I don’t remember, but I remember the big stuff.”

“Yeah?” He nodded, shifting on his feet and reaching out with the hand that had been on your wrist to touch your hip. “Billy…”

“Tell me to leave, and I will. I do deserve it.” He closed his eyes, lip curling. “Tell me to stop touchin’ you, and I will. But… God, I’ve wanted to see you like this for so long.” When Billy opened his eyes again, you saw a choice in them - both for him and for you. His choice, though, depended on yours, and you knew that if you told him to leave, you’d never see him again. Can I do that to him? Can I do what he did to me? You searched Billy’s eyes for deception - something that you now knew he’d been a master at prior to his injuries, but found nothing in them aside from anxiety - a fear that he’d lose you for good now that he’d exposed himself to you. “Do it.” Billy’s tongue darted out, and for a moment, you were looking into the face of Lieutenant William Russo, the man you’d come dangerously close to loving without even knowing the real thing - a confident man, someone that knew what needed to be done and did it, no matter the consequences. But that look changed and was replaced by a new Billy with the next words he spoke. “I’m sorry that I did what I did before, you didn’t deserve it. None of ‘em did.”

“Billy.” You didn’t recognize your voice and you realized that it was because the blood was rushing in your ears, mind working overtime. Call the police. Tell him to stay. Turn him in. Don’t believe a word he says. He left you once, he’ll do it again. Don’t be an accessory. Tell him you still want him. “Billy, you need to…” He tightened his grip on your hip, the hand on your face staying put. But his eyes - now filled with true fear - never left yours, forehead wrinkled in anticipation. “If I order pizza, do you want to stay for dinner?” He let out his breath in a woosh, rigid body loosening as he absorbed the meaning behind your words. “Come on, Russo… don’t turn down the birthday girl.”

Billy pushed on your hip, turning your body so that your back was against the wall, stepping forward. “You want pizza?” He leaned down, lips close to yours. “You want pizza, or do you want me?” The words reminded you of old Billy, but the tone? That was all new. The Billy you’d known would have asked already knowing the answer to his question, but this Billy was waiting for you to give him permission - to tell him you truly wanted him to be there, that you wanted him touching you. Fuck it. You didn’t answer him with words, instead pulling his face the final distance toward yours and pressing your lips to his gently. It wasn’t how you wanted to kiss him; no, you wanted the kisses that you knew, the intensity that you’d come to love from him, but you knew that you needed to wait for it - if it ever happened at all.

Releasing his face and dropping your hands to his shoulders, you looked up at Billy, waiting. He blinked a few times, watching you. “You kissed me.” You nodded, sucking your lower lip back and between your teeth. I did. “Even after…” You nodded again, eyes never leaving Billy’s face. “I’m gonna be honest with you,” Billy said, leaning forward again and tracing his tongue against the seam of your lips. “I don’t want pizza.” He kissed you, pushing your head back against the wall, his fingers cushioning it. “I want you.” Your mouth opened in surprise and Billy didn’t waste the opportunity, tongue slipping past your lips and meeting yours as if it hadn’t been years since he’d last done it.

You moaned quietly, tightening your grip on his shoulders and Billy rocked his hips forward and into yours, the action familiar. “I don’t want pizza either, Billy.” You shook your head, hand moving to the zipper of his hoodie and pushing it down even as he pulled you away from the wall and out the door, back into the living room. The two of you moved through your apartment with a practiced ease, mouths locked together and hands moving to rid each other of clothes as best as you could without breaking contact, Billy even kicking his boots off as you stumbled through the room. But he stopped before he reached for your bedroom door’s handle, staring down at you. ‘What?”

“You sure?” He was fighting with himself - you knew that he didn’t want to stop, didn’t want to risk you changing your mind. There’s no way I would ever. “You gotta tell me, I -”

“Yeah, Billy.” You nodded, reaching down to pull your shirt over your head, letting it drop to the floor. “It’s alright. You won’t hurt me.” For a moment, he didn’t react, and then you watched as he reached past you, pushing the door open even as a genuine, brilliant smile formed on his face, filling out his cheeks and putting light back into his eyes. His mouth was on yours again as he pushed you backwards into the still darkened bedroom, hands at your waist while you worked to unbutton his jeans.

Happy birthday to me.

---

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upinthestarsx3 · 6 years

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Off Limits (m) Part 1

Professor!reader x College student!Jungkook au

Genre: short series|smut|mostly angst|fluff in future|au

Word count: 3.2k

Warnings: Language and mature content. I guess I should also warn that I love writing stories with no happy endings.

Summary: You’re fresh out of college having just received your masters degree in Math. You begin working at a nearby college and meet your headstrong student, Jungkook. After a drunk hookup; things get complicated.

A/N: There are some typos; I hate hate hate typos but tumblr won’t let me edit them on mobile; so I will do some editing as soon as I have some time on my laptop.

“You can do this. You’ve waited your entire life for this moment. You can do it.” You whisper to yourself in your bathroom mirror; straightening out your dark pink dress that went down to your knees and checking if your black flats went nicely with it.

Today you would officially be known as professor (y/n). Having just finished your masters degree at 26, you never thought you’d get a job teaching at a college this soon.

“Oh my God, you look like you could be a student.” You whip your head around to see your roommate standing in the doorway with a wide smile on her face.

“Stop it, Gia! I’m nervous enough.” You pout, rubbing your face in frustration, carefully avoiding your eyes; you’d be damned if you had to redo your eye liner for a 5th time today.

“Sorry- it’s just... It’s crazy that my roommate whom just graduated from college herself, is going to be a math professor.” She grins even wider before continuing, “but good luck because everyone hates math. Kick ass today, babes.” And with that, she’s out of the door.

The entire car ride to work was a blur, it was only until you were pulling into the parking lot that you realized you were actually here. With shaking hands, you open up your class schedule and realize your very first lecture started 5 minutes ago.

“Fuck!” You scream, running from your car and into the lecture hall; when you finally enter the room, you practically leap to your desk and face the class, watching 20 pairs of eyes staring back with deep frowns.

“I’m so sorry I’m-“ you begin before being cut off,

“You know that we’re allowed to leave class if a professor is more than 10 minutes late, right?” A student speaks up, angrily. Your eyes find his angry ones and you give a small smile; trying to make a good impression on everyone although you clearly already soiled it.

“Um, I’m sorry. Today is my fi-“

“Are you a student teacher or something.” He speaks up again, the same rude look on his face. Any professor would have probably given him a speech about respect and kicked him out, but you couldn’t. You were the most non-confrontational person on the face of earth, and you begin to think you may have picked the wrong profession.

“I’m not a student teacher. I actually just graduated with a masters so-“

“And did your professors allow you to be late for class?” He spoke up rudely again, this time you felt your fist clench at your sides.

“Jungkook, stop. She looks like she might cry.” You hear the man in the seat next to him say quietly.

You decide against your better judgement to ignore him, skip class introductions all together and get them started on their work.

No matter how cruel it may sound, you were really hoping that this rude guy was super bad at math so that you could give him a taste of his own medicine, but he wasn’t- he was actually amazing at it, and you hated that.

“Okay, so the answer you should’ve gotten for this problem is 38.5! Everyone okay with how I did that or do you guys want me to go over it again?” You ask with a small smile, excited that you were approaching the end of class.

“That’s not the correct answer, professor.” The student you now know as Jungkook speaks up for 10th time today. You turn towards the board and scan through the problem for your mistake, after a few seconds you hear someone move from their seat and you feel them put a hand on your waist to push you aside slightly.

“Right here.” He points, “you multiplied that wrong, professor.” He says, dragging out the last word dramatically.”

You look over at your phone and see the it’s 2 minutes past noon, class is finally over.

Without addressing the problem on the board you plaster on a fake smile and say, “Well, have a good day everyone! Class is over, no homework. I’ll see you at our next class.”

When everyone leaves, you throw yourself onto your chair and lay your head on your desk as you begin to cry. Today had truly been the worst day of your life, you were sure of it.

“He’s like that you know.” You hear someone speak up, and you pick your head up wiping at your face to see Jungkook’s friend picking up his book bag that he apparently forgotten. Then he continued, “Its not you, he’s like that with everyone. His dad’s the president of the school so he does what he wants. Well, see you next class!” Then he’s out of the classroom leaving you with your tears once again.

Somehow you make it home even with tears blocking your vision throughout the drive, you had never been so humiliated. When you walk through your apartment door, your roommate is waiting with for you with a cake in her hands.

“Congratulations again, babe! What took you so long? I had to track your phone to see when you were com-“ she stops at the sight of your red eyes and pout.

“Bad day?” She asks with open arms and you nod and run to her. You were used to Gia comforting you in your times of need; she was like a sister to you. You two met while you both worked as waitresses at the same job and have been inseparable ever since.

“How about this... I’m working tonight at the club, come? Free drinks? If you’re feeling frisky I’ll even let you dance on the pole?” She asks with a smile. You lift your head up and nod, she knew you could never turn down a night out. Free drinks were apart of her job as a dancer, or what some might call, stripping. You make sure to never say that to her face though. You finish getting dressed in a short black dress with black heels to match while your roommate packed her stage outfit in her bag.

Not even an hour into you arrival, you’re already 5 tequila shots ahead of Gia.

“Catch up!” You laugh as you begin slurring your words. Your roommate laughs even louder at your drunk alter ego.

“I can’t, I have to get on stage soon, remember?” She nudges you, still downing one last shot before standing onto her feet.

“Okay, you know slurring is the first sign of your ‘too drunk’ antics so chill out until I’m finished so we can party hard afterwards.” She sings as she walks towards the back to get ready for her stage time.

It’s not long before Gia’s name is announced and she comes out to begin her performance. A crowd begins to form around her and you see several months worth of rent thrown onto the stage. It was definitely busy for a Monday night, that’s for sure. After an hour on stage Gia begins picking up her cash and like usual, she ushers you onto the stage since part of your drunk alter ego was pole dancing.

“How much for a private session?” You hear someone ask, and when you turn with a small smile ready to politely decline, you smile drops as you’re face to face with Jungkook. You hop off of the stage with shock written all over your face.

“What are you doing here?” You gasp with crimson cheeks.

“I’m a 21 year old man, and it’s free drink night at a strip club, why wouldn’t I be here?” He responds with raised eyebrows as though its ridiculous that you even asked.

“How about you? You have the nerve to question me as if you’re not a professor by day and a stripper at night.” He laughs.

“I’m not a stripper. My roommate is..” you reply, as though you even owe him an answer.

“Shame. I really wanted that private session.” He says with a smirk.

“Yah. Well have fun with your friends, let’s keep this little meeting between you and I, okay?” You plead while walking away to find Gia.

“Who was that?” She says with a knowing smirk.

“Nothing. Just some guy.” You respond quickly, although you wanted to tell her it was the same student that embarrassed you only hours ago and he just basically asked you for a lap dance.

“Shots!” She yells, handing them out to you and the other dancers who were now off of their shift. You throw yours back quickly and down 3 more after that before dragging Gia on the dance floor you.

“Let’s dance?” Someone whispers from behind you and you look to Gia to see her wiggle her eyebrows and turn away to dance with someone else. Without turning around to see who the man was, you just lean your back against his chest and the two of you begin dancing.

It started harmless enough, but soon enough he was grinding onto your ass, his hands squeezing each side of your hips so he’s able to pull you against his bulging crotch. You feel his breath hit your neck and his lips drag themselves from your shoulder to the back of your ear as he begins sucking the skin there.

“How about the lap dance now?” He whispers and your eyes fly open, quickly removing his hands and turning around with force to face him. Then you see him, you really see him. His hair is pushed back and it’s a good look on him. His skin is glazed over with a thin layer of sweat and he still managed to smell good. His eyes are hung low and it’s almost as though as speaking to you through them.

“Fuck it.” You assert and begin pulling him towards the back.

When you reach the set of private rooms he pulls you into one of them and he sits patiently on the long couch. You shyly lock the door and turn towards him,

“You have nice thighs.” Your blurt out, mentally slapping yourself for being so awkward. He laughed softly before mumbling,

“Maybe you can ride them one day; but for now, give me my lap dance, baby.” his deep voice making you blush. You were thankful that the music on the dance floor made its way to the private rooms.

Walking your way over to him you try to be seductive, and lucky for you, that wasn’t very hard. When you finally reach the waiting man, you sit in his lap, placing a leg on each side of his thighs, but you made no effort to move.

“Apologize.” You demand, taking his wrists into your small hands, making him laugh at your boldness.

“For earlier,” you continue, “apologize. Or no dance.”

“Sorry.” He says as soon as you’re finished. “Really, I am sorry I just-“

“Shut up,” you whisper, letting your head rest on his shoulder as you begin to dance to the music, still holding onto his wrists. Jungkook eyes your curiously as the hold on his wrists tightens and you latch your lips onto his neck. His breathing picks up while you grind on him. The dress you chose to wear is now bunched together right under you chest, leaving your bottom half bare with just a black thong.

“Can I touch you?” He asks, softly shaking his hands to free his wrists from your grasp. You wanted to him to work harder for that, make him struggle a little like he did to you in class today. But you also wanted to feel his touch, as soon as you released his wrists; his hands went down to the button of his jeans and he begins unbuttoning them while keeping his eyes on you, to see if this was okay.

Once they were undone you dragged his jeans to his ankles sat back down on his lap. He let out a deep hiss when you begin rolling your hips again. Without a warning he takes your face in his hands and begins to kiss you. His tongue enters your mouth and he takes over without a fight from you. After kicking the rest of his jeans off, he lifts you and places you down on the couch, his lips still attached to yours. Jungkook leans up for a moments and begins taking the rest of your clothes off. You squeeze your legs shut with a red face and he looks at you with a grin.

“You were dancing on a pole an hour ago and now you wanna play shy?” He questioned. When you don’t answer he shakes his head with a small smile and places a hand on each of your knees, opening your legs easily. He stays there like that for a moment, you begin to feel uncomfortable and bring your hands down to cover your womanhood but he slaps your hands away.

“Don’t hide your pussy from me.” He demands, looking you straight in the eye, holding your gaze until you were first to look away.

“How can I make it up to you?” He speaks up again,

“What?”

“From the way I acted earlier. I want to make it up to you.” He whispers as he hovers over you and begins placing kisses on your neck. You feel him suck the skin there but you don’t bother stopping him. His mouth finds your breast and you watch him slowly suck your nipple until it’s erect, he then moves to the other one to do the same.

“Enough teasing, please just-“

“Just what?” He asks in a mocking tone.

“Just fuck me before I change my mind.” You blush. He doesn’t laugh this time. He throws his boxers off and leans over you once again, pumping his own cock a few times, looking around the room for what you think is a condom.

“Don’t worry. I’m on the pill.” You say nervously, his eyebrows scrunch together and you quickly backtrack, “unless that makes you uncomfortable then-“

“No no. It’s just. I can’t believe I’m this lucky right now.” It’s his turn to blush at his own words.

Wasting no more time he teases your cunt with his manly hood. Pressing it against your clit every once in a while because he loved the way you looked when your arched your back from pleasure. Before you can tell him to hurry, he enters you easily.

“Fuck fuck fuck.” He moans. Without giving you a second he begins snapping his hips against yours. The sound of his body hitting yours is almost louder than the music. You close your eyes and squeeze your breasts but you hear him say,

“Don’t close your eyes. Look at me.” Between heavy breaths. When you don’t open them right away he stops altogether,

“I said, Look. At. Me.” And with that, your eyes are staring into his and he smiles before he continues moving again. You reach up to grab his shoulders and pull him down with you, leaving kisses and bruises on neck with no care in the world. He wraps his arms around your body as he continuously fucks you. Your moans only increase when you feel his finger on your clit, pressing on it and rubbing it at a fast pace.

“Oh my God, Jungkook. Faster.” You allow your eyes to squeeze shut tightly as you finally reach climax. You lean further into the couch and allow the feeling of euphoria to take over. When you finally look over at Jungkook you see that he’s still hard, but he didn’t bother to complain.

“You didn’t-“

“That’s okay.” He smiles, knowing you were going to mention that it wasn’t fair he didn’t cum.

Instead, you slide off of the couch and onto your knees in front of him. You look up at him and he has a soft smile on his face, opposite from how angry his thick cock looked. You carefully lean in and lick the tip a few times, earning a small gasp from the man above you. With a little more confidence, you take the base of dick in your hand, and put the whole tip in your mouth while your tongue swirled around him. You feel his hand on the back of your head but he just leaves it there for now. You lean down and take more of him into your mouth, lightly gagging around him. When you try to lean up for air he pushes your head back down lightly.

“I’m sorry, but I’m almost there. Please keep going.” He moans with his head lolled backwards in satisfaction. You obey and eagerly bob your head up and down on him, gagging a little more each time you feel him hit the back of your throat.

“Ah fuck. I’m gonna cum.” He moans breathlessly, but you kept your mouth on him, swallowing his cum with no problem.

“Y/N! Where are you? The club is closing!” You hear Gia rumbling drunkly around the back.

“I have to go.” You stand up quickly, looking around for you clothes,

“Already? You don’t wanna grab some late night pizza or something?” He asks with wide eyes.

“Oh I’m not hungry.”

“Then maybe we can take a walk through the park and talk?”

“No Jun-“

“Come home with me, then? Please?” He pleaded, still sitting naked on the couch. You had to admit that this felt intimidate, like it was more than just sex for him.

“I have to get home, Kookie.” You causally reply.

“Kookie? Did you just give me a pet name?” He chuckled, holding up the underwear you had been looking for.

“Sorry- it just seems to go. I’ll call you Jungkook, that was inappropr-“

“No! I mean, I like it. It’s fine.”

“You have a terrible habit of cutting people off do you know that?” You laugh, walking over to him to take your underwear but instead, he holds it opened and tells him to put one foot in, then the next, and finally he pulls them up for you. You don’t bother moving away from him yet, instead, you play with his hair and allow him to wrap his arms around your waist. It’s not until he’s leaving open mouth kisses right above your underwear that you stand back,

“If you keep that up, I’ll never want to leave.”

“That was the plan.” He replied smoothly.

Once you’re dressed you walk towards the door, looking back to see him standing there, as though he’s waiting for something.

“Everything okay? Are you able to make it home alright?” You ask.

“No kiss goodbye?” Ignoring your question from before.

“Jungkook-“

“What happened to Kookie?” He bites back quickly.

“Jungkook, stop. This was fun, okay? Thank you for tonight but-“

“I get it, you don’t have to explain yourself. You’re my professor and I’m your student and this is wrong-“ He continues speaking but you can no longer hear him. It was like you were suddenly slammed back into reality. Had you really jeopardized everything for a drunk night of bliss?

“Stop.” You shake your head. When he doesn’t you scream again, “STOP!” And it makes him jump this time.

“This!” You motion between the two of you, “Can’t ever happen again. Ever! Understand?”

He gives up, a defeated look on his face and then a scowl takes over while he replies, “Loud and clear professor.”

A/N: I was looking for a fanfic like this to read last night and I realized there aren't many (I actually couldn't find any) where the reader is the college professor instead of the idol being the professor. You know what they say if you can’t find one to read then write one. Hope you enjoyed. Requests are still opened for reactions and scenarios.

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Read my other work here.

#BTS #BTS Jungkook #bts kookie #Jungkook x reader #Jungkook x you #BTS smut #bts angst #bts fluff #BTS one shot #bts scenario #bts reaction #bts fanfic #Jungkook smut #Jungkook fic #btscreatorsnet #armiesnet #bts maknae #noonanet #kpop

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enfjdude · 7 years

Text

Each enneagram subtype in a nutshell

Based in feedback, I’ve decided to make this post based on my previous one on tritypes.

If you want to read the serious version, click here.

Enneagram 1:

Sp: “Is that… a typo … in my paper?! Oh my gad no no no no no!” *sends professor an apologetic e-mail although the paper was only a draft*

Sx: “Hey, you were supposed to be at my party five minutes ago. This simply isn’t good enough. Next time, you have to set an alarm so you’ll be here in time. And did you shower before you got here? Your hair is greasy. Shampoo is a thing, you know.”

So: “Eating meat is murder. You should really be a vegetarian, like ME.” *really emphasizes me* … *two minutes later* “… What?! What are you saying, you are not a feminist?!...” *cycle repeats with different concepts*

Enneagram 2:

Sp: *at a party late at night* “Wanna go to my place and check out my Pokémon card collection? Wink wink” *actually shows the other person their Pokémon card collection when they get there*

Sx: “Wait, so you are telling me this guy likes me, and that guy likes me? Well, then they should fight over me, of course! *watches from afar with a smug smile as these two guys tear each other apart*

So: “Is there anything you need? A blanket? A hug? A cup of tea? No? PLEASE TELL ME HOW I CAN BE OF SERVICE!”

Enneagram 3:

Sp: “If I can live my life without bragging about my achievements, you can live your life without bragging about your achievements. Idiot.”

Sx: *meets friends at pub* “Hey, guys! Eyes over here! Guess what, I was in the newspaper today!” *hands out a laminated copy of the article to each person in the group*

So: *on a date* “Well, that’s enough about you, let’s talk more about me now!” *explains how they’re gonna be famous and the power of ~dreams~*

Enneagram 4:

Sp: “No no, I’m fine, it’s just a dislocated knee cap. No, I swear, I can barely feel anything.” *laughs desperately* “No, these aren’t real tears. I swear, I can walk it off no prob!”

Sx: *meeting someone for the first time after chatting online* “Man, you are taller than me. Now I wanna cut off your head so I’m the tall one.” *pretends it’s a joke but is dead serious*

So: “Oh man. I’m so thirsty. If only that glass of water was a little bit closer to me.” *somebody finally hands over the glass after ten minutes of sighing* “Oh maaaan, now I’m not thirsty anymore. I’ll never be happy.” *sigh*

Enneagram 5

Sp: *may or may not be preparing for a zombie apocalypse, emerging from their man cave after ten days* “Well fuck, the sun is up. Better stay inside.”

Sx: “OMG, I’ve been playing this video game for the past three months, it’s really great! Yeah, I know the only thing you do is herd sheep, but it’s really fun! NO, you GOTTA try it! PLAY WITH ME PLZ, I’ve been so alone!”

So: “No no, you guys just talk. I’ll just sit here and play on my 3DS. It’s fine, really, I can just listen, that’s okey.” *quietly observes everyone for three hours and is the last one to leave*

Enneagram 6

Sp: “Shit, what if my savings won’t cover my hypothetical car accident when I’m traveling next summer!” *frantically saves more money for next year’s summer vacation to the neighboring town*

Sx: “Is that…. A challenge?! HOLD MAH PURSE, IMMA BEAT THIS FUCKER TO DAH GROUND.” *on the inside: “please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me” *

So: “See, here is the deal. I’m the high school jock, and you’re a nerd! So, get out of my way and know your place in this world, loser!” *also works the other way around* “I’m just a nerd, better stay away from that jock over there. He’s so cool. Wish he thought I was cool like him.”

Enneagram 7

Sp: “So this is where the party’s at?! I hope it’s okey I brought like twelve of my best friends … Whooooo partaay” *is shit drunk 10 minutes later in a stranger’s apartment*

Sx: *during an exchange student program* “OMG I’ve lived in this country for two days now! I GOTTA MOVE NOW! Hmm… let’s see, where have I not lived yet? Uzbekistan seems fun!”

So: *totally wants the last piece of the cake* “No no, you take the rest, I don’t even want it. No no, just take it, it’s fine, I’m fine, this is fine, it’s all good, we’re fine here. JUST TAKE THE GODDAMN CAKE!”

Enneagram 8

Sp: “Hey, you are my person broh! I’ll help you beat up that mean old lady across the hall. Hey, it’s no prob man, that’s what dude-bros are for.”

Sx: “I swear to god, if you ask me to move this couch one more time, I’ll rip out your vocal cords. I don’t care if it blocks the door to your room, this is where I sit and watch Netflix!”

So: *saves an old lady from drowning* The old lady: “omg, thank you so much, how can I ever repay you?” *so 8 just leaves, whispering to self*: “Another day is saved by the amazing Falcon Boy!” *whistles self-made theme song*

Enneagram 9

Sp: “Hey, I’m in the middle of my 18 hour South Park marathon here, please just - do not disturb me please. Oh, and, could you get me another beer plz?” *puppy eyes because they really don’t wanna get off the couch*

Sx: “No no no, I’ll do whatever you wanna do. No, I swear, I’ll do literally whatever, just you name it. No, of course I don’t have my own opinions, why would I need that when I have yours?”

So: “So you really want to go on a road trip, huh? I sorta have other plans, but, sure, I’ll come. What, you want me to drive as well? Okey, fine then … Wait, you’re broke too? Fine, I’ll pay too then.” *is really mad but doesn’t show it.”

#enneagram #enneagram 1 #enneagram 2 #enneagram 3 #enneagram 4 #enneagram 5 #enneagram 6 #enneagram 7 #enneagram 8 #enneagram 9 #subtypes #enneagram subtypes #instinctual variants #naranjo #beatrice chestnut

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stuartsutcliffee · 7 years

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Tagged by @hornyliverpudlianputz thank youuuu!

Tagging @gingermoonrising and @unchaineddaisychain (and anyone else that wants to no pressure)

last (1-5) drink - Big Red

phone call - probably my mom? She’s the only one I call, anyway.

text msg - AHHHHHHHH 💕

song you listened to - Behind Blue Eyes - The Who

time you cried - Last night. Watched a cover of that suicide hotline song and oof, it was intense

ever..? (6-11) dated someone twice - Un-fucking-fortunately.

kissed some1 and regretted it - Yeeeeeep.

been cheated on - that I know of? No.

lost some1 special - Yea, and it fucking sucked.

been depressed - Oh my god, yea. Chronically. gotten drunk/thrown up - gotten drunk? Nah. Thrown up? Loads of times, I’m a sick kid.

fav colors (12-14)

Really early morning skies, where the sun is just rising, dusty pink, like sunsets, and deep, lush greens.

in the last yr have you.. (15-21)

made new friends/ mutuals - Oh, of course!

fallen out of love - Nope!

laughed until you cried - Oh constantly.

found out some1 was talking about you - Like rumors? Drama? Nope! Who has the time, honestly.

met some1 who changed you - @gingermoonrising

found out who your friends are - I mean…sure?

kissed some1 on your FB friends’ list - nope! Haven’t even considered it

general (22-51)

how many of your FB friends do you know irl - kinda hard to tell without a Facebook!

do you have any pets - Two cats, both tiny assholes

do you want to change your name - who has the money? But even if I did, probably not.

what did you do for your prev. birthday - made a cake and probably watched movies.

what time did you wake up today - maybe like 11

what were you doing @ midnight last night - Listening to music, probably

what is something you can’t wait for - Queen biopic

what’re you listening to atm - Chasing Cars cause this guy is using it for his routine.

have you ever talked to a person named Tom - Technically. I have a friend named Tommy. Never a Tom.

something that’s getting on your nerves - what isn’t tbh

most visited site - AO3

hair color - ashy brown

long/ short hair - shoulder length. Grown out from ½ inch

do you have a crush on some1 - maybe kinda sorta what do you like abt yourself - I don’t push people. Let people figure it out on their own. I’m also very supportive.

want any piercings - Maybe a septum piercing? blood type - I’m a typo *ba-dum-tss*

nicknames - my dad calls me weasel

relationship status - Singleeeee

zodiac - Li-bruh

pronoun(s) - she/her

fav tv/ on-air shows - the good place! I need to watch Brooklyn 99, it looks bomb

tattoos? - A couple but they need to be Fixed or covered.

rightie or leftie - Rightie

ever had surgery - Wisdom teeth removal? Does that count?

piercings - Just my lobes. I had my cartilage done but it rejected.

Sport - that I play? Softball. That I watch? Baseball. Love em.

vacation - I’ve said this a lot but: who has the time? trainers - vans, I guess?

moar general (52-58)

eating - Green beans

drinking - Monster

i’m about to watch - more of the Olympics!

waiting for - I mean…nothing at the moment?

want - to meet @unchaineddaisychain

get married - perhaps

career - I don’t have one but ya girl wants to be a scientist.

which is better (59-65)

hugs/kisses - Hugsssss! I’m a clingy bitch I love

hugs lips/eyes - Eyes

shorter/taller - Taller, please. I don’t like being taller

older/younger - I have more in common with older

nice arms/ stomach - Stomach. Belly or definition, I just like stomachs.

hookup/relationship - Relationship

troublemaker/hesitant - Hesitant until death

have you ever (66-75)

kissed a stranger - Nope!

drank hard liquor - I mean, a little bit? Just to try it?

lost glasses - yes, because I don’t wear them often

turned someone down - someone would have to actually like me first.

sex on 1st date - nope!

broken a heart - I mean, probably??? Maybe??? I’m not sure???

had your heart broken - Nah, just thought I had

been arrested - I’m pretty sure forgetting your birthday while talking to a cop about suspected drug charges probably is grounds for an arrest, but thankfully! I’m free.

cried when some1 died - Definitely. I cry over everything

fallen for a friend - Yes, unfortunately

do you believe in.. (76-81)

yourself - Ehhhhh

miracles - I don’t think so???? Maybe, who knows

love @ first sight - Maybe for some people but hasn’t happened to me.

santa claus - I used to.

kiss on a 1st date - I believe in letting people live their lives.

angels - ehhhhhh

other (82-85)

best friend’s name - Tommy

eye color - green

fav movie - Music & Lyrics

fav actor - Joe Mazzello. Love him to bits.

#long post #this was fun

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agilenano · 5 years

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ohmama2012 · 5 years

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My Eulogy for Dad

This is the eulogy I read for my dad at his memorial service on April 28, 2019 at the Riverside Memorial Chapel in NYC. He passed away on April 2. I have revised a few things to correct typos and reflect what I actually said in the room, to the best of my recollection. I wrote this with a desire to let everyone in the room know who he was as a father, a side of him only I had the luck to know. It was my good friend Christopher Piatt, the only person I shared my draft with, who noticed the “stage manager” through line and advised me to add a few more theater anecdotes. I am indebted to him for the line about dad being a consummate stage manager at the center of our lives -- not just because it made a good line in the speech, but because it’s true and it helped me to see that. - Ali, 5/3/19

According to family legend, one of my father's earliest memories of me, and one of his latest memories of his father, was the look of abject horror on my grandfather's face as I tangoed around the living room as a toddler, singing “I’d be Surprisingly Good For You” from Evita. In the song, little Eva propositions Juan Peron with something more than just a “frantic tumble and a shy goodbye.”

I grew up with the theater. And not just because I'll always think of my dad singing “Bobby Bubby Bobby” as he pulled out Company album on vinyl to place on the turntable.

I should add that’s rare form -- my dad didn’t much like singing along to the many musicals he so adored. He did sing me “Doh a Dear” as a lullabye, and I sang it to him repeatedly in his final days, but by and large he would say: “Lyrics are your mother’s department."

They made such a good theater pair. He designed the shows, she remembered the names and dates, and they both equally treasured the adventures. Their love of musicals shone through in their parenting. My mother likes to say that if Patti LuPone had had better diction, a young Alison Weiss would have never picked up the Evita libretto and learned to read.

If I learned my ABC’s from Evita, I learned my LBJs, IRTs, and LSDs -- and several latin words -- from the other great musical that I forever associate with my father. He got his start on Broadway stage managing Hair. He was not a hippie, but he was a great enabler, calling cues in a haze of pre-show puffs and taking the show on the road through the USA amidst a backdrop of the Vietnam era. He taught me so much history through his stories about working on Hair.

But beyond the love of theater by association, my dad gave me the unique privilege of growing up as the child of a designer. As a baby, I crinkled canary paper at his drafting table. As a tot, I cut out collages from Rosco gel samples. As a kid, I made origami from extra Playbill inserts, hanging out in the box seats of a Broadway house during tech week.

He taught me a true love of New York. Once he sent me a postcard from LA, on which he wrote 3 words: “Sun & Sprouts!!!” He taught me that a city is the only place where you can just walk and run into people.

Once I ran into him on the street In New York, randomly, on 11th Avenue in midtown, on a summer day, as I walked south and he walked north. I was in my 20s and, naturally, upset about something. I saw him and hugged him and started to cry, and he took me out for lunch and told me everything I needed to know to feel better. He'd been coming from some theater-related errand or meeting. He used to walk everywhere. He would probably have walked all the way home to 83rd street had it not been for our meeting. And he walked FAST.

My dad liked to relax, but he had no patience for dilly-dallying. Always on a mission, he would run like lightening for a train that he could easily catch walking, leave 6 hours early for a flight, dash through the streets of a city on vacation rather than waste time strolling. Once, on the streets of Amsterdam on vacation, we repeatedly asked him to please slow down. There was no rush. The 75th time we nagged him with this request he snapped, "If I were walking any slower I'd be walking backwards on my hands!"

His dogged sense of time management was matched by his consistent desire to help. He was always reaching out to help with whatever I was doing, whether or not the help was needed. Often in response to this gesture I’d say: "Dad! I've got it!" But he never stopped trying to lift the box, carry the bag, hold the door, adjust the project, or move the stack of papers somewhere better where it wouldn't get lost.

Here is an incomplete list of things my dad taught me, in no particular order, either by example or by a lifetime of consistent reminders or some combination of the two.

Quack like a duck.

Thumb wrestle.

Properly hammer a nail. Use a level. Make pilot holes with an awl. Patch and sand walls.

See a need, fill a need.

The golden rule.

Warm tones make the colors around them look cool. Cool tones make the colors around them look warm.

Snakes are not smart.

You know rice is done when you see little craters appear on the top.

Never feign disinterest.

Never feign interest.

Put something on your feet.

You cannot be warm without a hat.

When driving on a curvy road at night, save time by changing lanes so as to stay on the inside of the curve. He called this: "Using Pi."

France had no problem letting Hitler take all the Jews.

You should be able to go all the way up Amsterdam Avenue without stopping if you just slow down and drive with the green lights.* There is nothing like a good stage manager.

This last one rings so true. He valued efficiency -- CALM efficiency, even in the midst of chaos and absurdity. (And I certainly gave him my share of chaos!)

He loved anybody who was good at their job, no matter the job. He valued confidence and imagination. He blended the science of getting things done well with the art of, well, the things he got done. He got art done. He made his living making art, and he worked his butt off and gave me a great life and I sometimes need to stop and smack myself to remember how brave that was.

My dad was brave, he did great things, and through it all it could be said that mother and I had in my father a consummate stage manager at the center of our world.

But back to quacking like a duck. This was his signature sound effect and it's what sealed his status as the family duck. I feel like it's my obligation to demonstrate his quack. [Quack] Fortunately for his grandchildren, when Aphasia took much of his speech, it never took his quack.

There was another sound effect I'm afraid I cannot replicate and that is his water drop. He tried to teach me. It's the perfectly-time combination of a swift blow out the mouth and a tap on the cheek. It made and echoing "bloop" sound that I can best describe off the top of my head as the VH1 pop-up video sound.

But back to his voice. My dad had a voice that smiled. "Hi Ali, it's your dad," began every voicemail. "Helllo!!!" began every visit. He delivered dry quips, delighted in awful puns, had the sickest sense of humor. He earned the silence of a room any time he paused to choose his next words. He spoke with the perfect grammar of a gentleman, and he greatly preferred storytelling to small talk. As someone who cherished long stretches of focus and reading without distraction, he often spoke in the hoarse, breathy tones of a person who, perhaps, had not spoken out loud in several hours.

One of his most oft-used adjectives later in life was fabulous. "Just fabulous," he'd say, of everything from Derek Jeter to Opera to something cute my kids did. It was this funny, slightly out-of-character word for his generation and it became his highest stamp of approval.

My dad also dropped F-bombs like the best of them. I admit to taking some glee in the fact that he lived to see my then 3-year-old son shout, in front of the entire family at Thanksgiving, "open-da-fucking-door!"

Everyone laughed. I looked at my dad. He looked at me. I said, "I will take the blame for this . . . but we all know where I got it." And Marc smiled sheepishly and nodded.

That look of recognition, of amusement, of understanding -- that sly, conspiratorial grin -- served as my lifelong homing beacon for all that is right and good. Even as his face began to take on the mask of what we can probably attribute to Parkinsonism, that glimmer of the old Marc would come through. He relished being a grandpa, and regaled the kids with quacks and faces and games even when his body was well past its airplane hoisting days, and his voice could no longer sell Sandra Boynton.

During the last birthday party for my kids he would attend, I subjected this frail man who enjoys peace and quiet to an afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese. I believe, at least, he enjoyed the cake. Frazzled at the end of the party, I stood at the ticket munching machines, which are, as you may know, these kiosks where you have to take your hundreds of loose strips of raffle-style tickets and feed them into a slot to redeem a voucher which you then take to a crowded counter to wait in line to buy plastic crap and candy. Dad likely had no idea about or interest in this nonsense system. At the time, I had asked someone to get him to the car and not worry about clean-up.

But as a big ball of loose Chuck E Cheese tickets fell from my hands to scatter all over the floor, and I stooped down to get them, there was dad's hand, from out of the crowd, with its tremor, struggling to pick up those tickets for me, because it was something he could do.

* * *

You never expect to stand in the ER watching through the window as they attempt to keep alive the center of your world. But as I watched the doctor who oversaw the action we could not see behind the curtain, the doctor who spoke so calmly yet so intently, saying things like "OK, we have a pulse" . . . "next time let's try this" . . . "remember, everyone, base-line state is non-verbal" . . . "can we bring down the noise level please" . . . "OK here's what I want to try on the next one" . . . "OK, does anybody have any ideas?" . . . as I stood watching this magician preside over what we would later learn was my father dying three times and being brought back to life, I turned to mother and said: "I hope Dad can hear this . . . because he would LOVE this guy."

I pictured my dad sitting at the table back home someday, fully-recovered, saying "that doctor who brought me back to life, he was JUST FABULOUS."

That doctor stage managed his final hours and gave him the gift of a peaceful and dignified goodbye. But it’s a brutally hard goodbye nonetheless.

I miss him exactly as he was in the end -- even had he not gotten "better," I would give anything to sit with him for years on end, to watch the glimmer in his eyes and the strength of his hand around mine stand in for the sound of his voice. But I also miss him as he was before the final years, and so did he.

"Dad, I miss you!" I said to him during one of our last phone calls. He said: "Oh, I miss me too." It wasn't self-pitying. It was witty and it was brave.

#fathersday

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0225pm · 7 years

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guess who came all the way to my place at 330AM!!!!! lol i was so surprised bc i just got done with putting on my acne treatments for the night and was about to hit the hay already until i received a call from han. funny thing was, i thought he was super tired today since we've met each other like 3 days in a row already so i figured i should let him rest and take a break from seeing my face HAHAHAHA 😂 and then earlier in the evening around 530PM, i met up with dayah since it was her birthday yesterday and i wanted to pass her a gift i got her as well. in the midst of it all, i managed to get cupcakes (thank goodness twelve cupcakes exist at bedok mall) as an additional gift because imo a birthday without some form of cake or something similar and edible isn't really a birthday-birthday, if you get what i mean!!! and then i treated her to a little something extra which was starbucks since they still had the 1-for-1 promo going on (thanks seanna for this!!) i know everything just seems like i'm spending a lot but idk i just wanted to make her feel like she deserves all these because of what she's going through both in school and at home. besides, it's not everyday that we do these sorta things for each other! and my mom always taught me to be kind and generous if you have the means to do it!! (〃＾▽＾〃) ok and then around 7+ i think we decided to head back home since she was tired from school and was carrying a lot of gifts from her clique at school. and upon reaching home, i video called han HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! he didn't pick it up at first so i thought ah, he must be asleep and i ended the call after a couple of rings. then just as i was about to head to the toilet to remove my makeup, i felt my phone vibrate and noticed that han was video calling me HAHAHAHAAH SO I PICKED IT UP AND HE WAS LIKE, han: woa first time you video call me eh me: ya hahaha i thought you're sleeping cus you didn't pick up han: no la i didn't feel the vibration etc etc etc me: ohhhhh me: me: han: is it you video call me cus you're wearing makeup??? me: LOLOLOLOLOL me: omg how you know HAAHAHAHHAHAAH this is, but true HAHAHAAH. i'm slowly tryna get comfortable with my skin and even after han had already seen me FRIKIN BARE FACED IN REAL LIFE during my visit to the clinic the other time for my acne meds, i still am so shy and embarrass to let him see my naked and makeup-free face even after all these time hahahaha even after he told me how much he doesn't care and it doesn't even bother him and how much he still adores and loves me no matter how shit i look and still give me lots of kisses and holds my hands in public but lol i still feel so..... shy and not confident enough. i feel like i should dress to match how good he looks because he slays all the time y'all like forrealz idk how he does it but he looks bomb all the time. and then after awhile he had to end the call because he had something to do and then he thanked me for video calling him for the first time ever haahhaahahah ヽ(；▽；)ノ anyway fast forward the time to about maybe 8/9pm or so. we were just having a normal conversation, with him replying sometimes instantly and sometimes taking up to 30 mins *rolls eyes* it was mostly about whether he had already had his dinner or not and then because i already had starbucks with dayah i sent him a photo of it telling him that if he's not tired on friday (his first day off) then maybe we can go grab it together since it's the last day of the promo. i think he saw my instastory cus the next moment he said something like "yeah and you light the savory one" and i was just LOL-ing because i thought he was sleepy which was the reason for the typos. and then i wanted to ask him to play ml with me but LOL HE ALR GM4 damn fast or what this bugger (also bc he's always playing ranked games more than classic/brawl. unlike me, i played like idk how many games of brawl already). then around 10PM he asked me to play first and then he'll join later. so i said ok ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but i was too busy doing other shit like removing my make up (yes i haven't removed my make up after the video call) and moisturizing, my skincare routine la basically and by the time i wanted to play ml i think it was already around 11+. and then suddenly he came online right at the time when i just ended my game and then he told me to play one round together then he's gonna go sleep. i was kinda bummed like aiya one round je?? but it's late and i know he has work later early in the morning so i said ok and then we played one round together and lost terribly i think cus he was lagging??? and his friend was lagging too or smth i'm not sure hahaha. but overall i am also now GM4!!!! i didn't see his goodnight message on ml until after 1 so i texted him asking if he was already asleep. but i kinda suspected that he was fast asleep cus he didn't reply after i double texted him again at like 2+ almost 3AM, sending him a screenshot of the new menu at macdonalds HAHAHAHAHA!!! and then suddenly he called me and i was so shocked?? bc at that time i was alr preparing to hit the hay. i excitedly picked up his call and asked him why isn't he asleep yet!!! then he said smth like he woke up or smth and saw my msg so i was like oh ok but he sounded super fresh like as though he just had a super good sleep. and then he said he wanted to go to the toilet and will call me back later but i told him to bring me along LOOOOL and then he said noooo for what but i said bring meeeeeeee. he ended up bringing me but putting me on mute. BUT WHAT SHOCKED ME THE MOST WAS WHEN I HEARD KNOCKING ON MY WINDOW WTF LA. cus it was already so damn late who tf would be knocking on my window right. and i was on the phone with han at that moment as well and i thought it was my brother but he's in camp!!!! so it's definitely not him. never in my mind would i have thought that it was actually han :') wtf i can't believe he came all the way to my place at such an ungodly timing. i was so touched!!!!!! he's so sweet ;;;;;;; what did i even do to deserve such a wonderful boyfriend like him omg. other people will probably think he's a creep for doing things like this but wtf i rly love it bc when someone rly loves you they do silly things like this and sacrifice and risk themselves just to see you and be with you!!!! i made him wait a rly long time and i was truly sorry but i'm not gonna go out looking like a kentang that just went through the fryer with my oily ass haven't shampoo hair and my stinky face full of spot treatments LOL so i went to wash my face, used lots of dry shampoo to soak up my oily hair and then put on a huge ass hoodie lmaO. the moment i stepped outta the house, han: what took u so long???? me: um i look like shit han: *embraces me from back* me: um *blushes but he can't see thank god* han: *continues back hugging into the lift* me: why u come all the way here omg?????? han: hmmmm *still hugging* me: somemore you got work later then must go all the way back lol wtf i'm so passive aggressive when i actually fucking highkey loves the fact that he's right in front of my eyes in physical form LOL me: *waddles bc han is still back hugging me* han: me: me: me: *unlocks han's embrace to turn around and face him before i flung my arms around his neck into a tight hug* he smells so good ;-; he smells just like he came out from the showers or something omg i love his smell?????? is that a thing hahaahha then we held hands and walked to mcds but lol it wasn't dinner/supper anymore cus by 4 they changed the menu to breakfast which was ok by me but i think han actually wanted to have their dinner set bc he wanted to try the new menu but das ok we can always get it another time!! OH AND WHILE WALKING he said, "u never notice anything ah?" then i was like huh and i looked down at what he was staring/pointing at. and i realized he was wearing the jeans i got him hehehehe and it fits him quite well!!!!!!! sorry i wasn't observant i was still in a state of surprise to notice or maybe it's bc you look like a million bucks all the time already ;) and then around 4+ 5 he had to leave to avoid the morning commuters :( i was sad bc he's leaving so early but i can't be selfish either bc i don't want him to be stuck in a jam and then be late bc of my selfishness so he booked a grab and after many many many kisses and warm hugs, he left since the grab driver already arrived. but lol he keyed in the wrong location and then i booked another grab for him instead with the right location this time (he got the same driver ahahahaha) and watched him get in the car safely before i went in, washed up, sent him a text and falling asleep soundly hehe. best boyfriend award goes to you ♡

#adaywithhan #julywithhan #270717

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janiklandre-blog · 8 years

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Friday, March 17, 2017

St.Patrick's Day - 9:30 a.m. a bit warmer, not enough to melt snow - hate this time change - woke at 7:15 when it should have been 6:15 and had to hurry to get through my routines - got the nicest letter from Prague yesterday - my friend Dana, whom I met in 1945 - it starts with "in unserem hoehen Alter" - in our very old age - what a relief to all the people who claim they feel like 25 and act like 25 at 85 - it's an odd letter, in very good German and obviously not written either by her or her husband - she and I exhanged countless letters after I left Prague - their German is not that good - Dana's family was of old Czech - Bohemian - background, they owned an estate in the country and were Czech patriots - who hated the German occupation - immediately after 1945 their estate was "confiscated" and nationalized - they grieved for it. Her father had made in advertising - writing little self help type booklets, I never saw much of him, it seems he took a lot of anger out on his wife and beautiful daughter - her mother had a medical degree she had hardly used - but they did have a beautiful apartment, in Vinohrady, Prague 12, a prestige neighborhood next to a wonderful park, Rigrove Sady - and Dana and her husband Zbysek lived there until the early 90's when - a German? - bought the house and they were evicted. They had to move into the valley called Zizkov, Prague 11, where Zbysek had grown up - a working class neighbohood a big come down for Dana. I visited there, last in 2012 with my grandson Ian - and they still were in pretty good shape then - I have found myself greatly slipping since last fall - and they too must have slipped a lot since then.

They are both retired historians - he worked for the military museum, she in numesmatics - coins - in the state museum above the Vaclavski Namesti - wheere in 1989 these huge demonstrations took place. They had one child, Suzanka - who had two children - and when Dana still wrote herself - she wrote me in Czech that I understand - she always wrote how incomprehensible these new generations were to her. Dana and Zbyshek have kept away from computers, cell phones, cars - as also a couple I know in Vienna - they are sweetly old fashioned, proper meals at proper times, courteous - and this German letter in somebody else's hand writing, addressing me as Marianne - it always was: Jana - is a bit weird - they say they lost mobility - as I have! - and that just running their household is an effort - same here. They say they heard the phone ring when I tried to call, but that so many swindlers call, especially from abroad - I guess they must also be a bit paranoid. The date of the letter is March 5 - got her March 16 - cannot read postage stamp. four lovely stamps - now I must get it together to send another snail mail to them - totally out of practice. I do want to answer.

Growing old - they too say, just like you (I had written them a snail mail letter) we think much of our youth - I have to impress on my sons who think I do too much reminiscing - that is what old people do and we try to still leave a bit of history behind - and also remind them of days they were younger. They barely tolerate that. Once upon a time - I had always seen myself in a corner in a rocking chair, in a house, a fire burning and surrounded by young, related or not related - who would cherish the history I have to offer - of the long years I have experienced - now I thank for this here computer to be able to write it in this cold and solitary room.

I would love to get to Prague once more! The city I love most - the people, so kind, so giving - people of an oppressed land. with a great dark humor and they are what in Spanish is: carinioso - they take tender care of each other, shield each other - they always were at the station when I arrived (the airport in 1957 - all were there) - cooked for me the fruit dumplings I love, showered me with presents, Dana with beautiful book of ohotograohs, alas, they burned in 2000 - embarassed me, the American, for not bringing more to them, taking me to the stastion again, Wilsonovo Nadrazi - named for the American president Wilson who in 1918 did help create the Czechoslovakia of Masaryk - a wonderful country until 1939 - after 1945 it fell under Russian rule - one friend whom I called in 1989: I just survived 40 years of communist hell. Hard times. I visited many times during those years - a pauper in Vienna from where I mostly travelled - in Prague for $20 I could take ten friends to the best restaurant. It was also weird.

I believe it was Dubcek who gave in to the damands of the Slovaks for their own state and now it is Czech Republic - Bohemia and Moravia, where my mother was born - and I don't follow any more what is happening there - don't read any of the great books written in Czech - only read about scandals in the NYT. When I visited in Communist times my friends believed I lived in paradise - now they all tell me - we now know - we still much prefer capitalism - but - their pensions are small, prices high - their children can take more advantage of the changes than they can.

Not really what I meant to write about this morning - and my time is running out - getting up at 7:15 it took me 45 minutes to shower, another 30 minutes to prepare and eat my healthy musely - then a quick dash to the deli for the NYT and a cup of coffee - quick, nothing is really quick any more. Did get through most of part A of the nyt, but left a mess upstairs and in 40 minutes Molly is coming and I want to clean up - in the nyt got caught up reading about the ambulance driver who got killed - a woman, 44, mother of five, with the fire department for 19 years - how do women do that? Like the waitress in Amherst who also had 5 children. These are the women who loook at me and tell me you never worked a day in your life - true - I have very conciously made my life as comfortable as I could - talked and written a lot about my life on a shoe string - appreciated by some - but not by New Englanders. They are such work horses - part of me admires them - part of me feels sorry for them. So different from me.

Yesterday a very slow day - morning excursion for nyt and cake already an effort - enjoyed writing, actually read it after I had sent it and was ashamed of the many errors - then I spent a good 30 minutes painfully opening a can of pink salmon, pressed some gsarlic, chopped some onion, added mayonnaise - still, it's dry and I still have some left - read the nyt, by the time I made it to the roof it was 4:30 (where did the time go?) sat in the sun for 30 minutes - great - off for more shopping - the walk to 4th street and down 4th to the deli with 5 branches is good - got a few supplies - everything is too heavy now - came home, turned on news, all about weather - made a few calls - one friend finding time to talk to me, thank you - close to 9 a friend came - it is the recent 8 p.m. - stayed for an hour - I ate too much sweets - bran flakes with half and half - forgot to weigh myself this morning, afraid I'm putting lost pounds back on - and fell asleep reading about merchant wanting to turn a huge house in Soho on Broadway into the sort of place where you buy all out of boxes - he was disappointed when he did not meet with enthusiasm at the Community Board 2 meeting - and then, slept quite well, considering how little I had moved - off to clean apartment adios Marianne excuse typos and errors please

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Agilenano - News: Luxurious Small Suction Cups

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