#cal.gen

[cocksuki2]

breasts and eggs by mieko kawakami is so uniquely woman. not in a feminine sense, or a gender-identity sense, but in the sense that i can feel the soul of womanhood in it, which i have rarely ever felt in other books. 

it captures the experience of being labelled “woman” so precisely that it’s startling and there were several times in the novel i had to put it down and take really deep breaths. 

natsuko, a 30 year old and unmarried woman living in tokyo, experiences the challenges of female bodily autonomy and questions what it means to be a woman and what it means to have children. the novel raises questions about family, sexuality, child-rearing, and womanhood through the eyes of its protagonist who, 10 years later and at the age of 40, grapples with wanting to have a child of her own without a partner. 

in the novel, natsuko, while working on her book, begins to question what it means to raise children, as well as the possibility that she would like to have a child of her own. however, she faces roadblocks on account of strict social norms in japan and the lack of bodily autonomy of women.

the novel, deftly and beautifully, traverses across women’s reproductive rights while posing questions about not only the ethics of anonymous artificial insemination, but of having children in the first place. posing it as both delight and misery, natsuko navigates her way through conflicting ideas about life, death, and birth as a single woman. 

the story deals a lot with natsuko’s own ideas of romance, sex, and loneliness, as well as her own image of herself. she questions her own family and history, reminiscing often on the time she spent with her mother, grandmother, and sister in her childhood, as well as what it meant for her to grow up poor. she considers cycles of poverty, as well as the cycles of mother and daughter, through the lens of a woman with no desire for a longterm partner or sex. 

natsuko, is asexual and sex repulsed. it’s a large part of the story, though it’s not a defining trait in who natsuko is as a person. still, she experiences the desire to have a child. she calls her own womanhood into perspective, doubting it on account of her lack of sexual attraction, detailing it as it “being as if the sexual part of her never grew up”. she states often that she has breasts, that she gets her period, that she is as woman as any other woman, yet still feels that some part of her womahood is missing because of her lack of sexual attraction. 

the novel raises challenging questions of self discovery, as well as details the frustration in being labelled “woman” in society. it beautifully captures the thoughts and burdens that come with womanhood, as well as gender identity and bodily autonomy. 

there are so many aspects of this book i could go into. i truly could not get enough of it while reading. not just because i found the protagonist to be both relatable and interesting, but because kawakami’s voice as an author is so gripping and emotionally real. reading the book, it felt as if natsuko’s thoughts mirrored my own and often, after finishing reading, i questioned whether i had actually read lines in the book or if i had thought of them myself as part of my own inner dialogue. 

it’s so beautifully layered, to the point that i think it would take me multiple posts just to cover what i’ve picked up on the first read-through, and reads like you’re looking back on a life i could have lived at some point. it’s delightfully human but also, uniquely woman. it touches on many of the unspoken (and often unaddressed) trials of being a woman that otherwise would go unheard about. 

i don’t think i’ve ever read anything like it. it touched me in a way no other novel has and detailed an account of womanhood that i felt in a very deep part of my being. this may sound cheesy, but in a way, i felt a large kinship with a lot of the women in the story. whether it was their experiences with men, their experiences with children, or their experiences simply moving through the world, i found connection in all of them. 

[cocksuki2]

heaven by mieko kawakami poses such an intricate question about bullying and about human free will. it addresses the complexities of adolescence and the complexities of social (and occasionally physical) cruelty through such a sensitive but unflinching lens that it is physically unnerving. 

the main character, a bullied 14 year old boy called “eyes” by his classmates on account of his lazy eye, meets kojima, a bullied 14 year old girl in the same class. 

kojima, attempting to find meaning in her suffering, befriends “eyes” (whose name we never learn in the novel) and searches for the reason and purpose behind the bullying. she explains to the protagonist that there’s meaning in “letting it happen”, that there’s meaning in his eye being lazy, and that there is meaning in her dirty appearance (which she does to feel closer to the time she spent poor and with her dad). she poses their experiences at the hands of their classmates as a form of resistance and as something that makes them strong, rather than just a cruelty done to them by others. 

her philosophy is essentially that of “everything has meaning”.

on the other hand, “eyes” has an encounter with momose, one of his bullies. momose, however, differs from the others in the sense that he always seems indifferent to the bullying and rarely ever takes the lead when “eyes” is being tormented. during their encounter, the protagonist questions momose as to why they do it and momose simply responds with “because we want to”. it’s a simple enough answer and he details to “eyes” that nothing really has meaning, that people are free to do what they want, and that the concept of doing “good” and “bad” doesn’t matter anyway. they have a lengthy discussion in which a victim confronts a perpetrator and receives answers for his treatment which completely rival the meaning kojima had been searching for through the previous half of the book. 

momose details that it’s not because of his lazy eye that he gets bullied, but by a series of coincidences that ultimately led to where they are, with “eyes” being victim and momose’s friend group being perpetrators. not because the protagonist is different but simply because they want to and they can. 

momose’s philosophy, however cruel, is that “nothing has meaning”. 

the book poses these two opposite philosophies as valid explanations for kojima and the protagonist’s experiences, juxtaposing them as the viewpoint of both victim and perpetrator. while kojima searches for meaning in their suffering, momose offers that there is none. while kojima states that their complacency and kindness is their way of fighting, momose poses that the only way to escape is to do the same thing back. 

meanwhile, “eyes” is caught between these two conflicting philosophies, one in which everything has meaning and cruelty has just as much weight as kindness, and another in which neither kindness nor cruelty have any meaning and we are simply choosing to do what we want, when we want to. both, however cruel or not they may seem, are valid explanations. neither is discredited and neither is posed as the correct answer. 

the novel poses these philosophies really startlingly. reading momose’s conversation with “eyes” after watching kojima (and the protagonist) struggle to find solace in meaning, is both jarring and somehow sensible. that’s not to say momose is right, nor to say that kojima is. the novel simply poses these two philosophies as equally factual and equally realistic. 

do bad things happen to good people because it means something or are we simply at the mercy of our own whims and the whims of others? does doing good have meaning? does doing bad have meaning? or is everything, the cruel and the kind, equally as inconsequential? is kojima right because she believes in a greater meaning for their experiences or is momose right in his belief that because nothing matters, people are free to do whatever they want, including “eyes” and kojima? 

both are equally as valid in the story, carrying a similar weight with the protagonist. it’s a really heartbreaking look at bullying from both perspectives, without a real acknowledgement of which philosophy is right and which is wrong. while the actions may be right and wrong, there is no right way to think about them except through our own personal interpretations. 

it makes the ending of the book, in which “eyes” has a surgery done to fix his lazy eye, against kojima’s (who insists that him being the way he is has meaning and suffered a mental breakdown at the climax of the story) adamant protests, all the more meaningful. 

upon losing kojima as a friend and suffering a traumatic experience—upon the ending of his first real friendship and his seemingly single point of “real” human connection (if that sort of trauma bond can be considered so)—he removes the bandage from his eyes and marvels at the beauty of the world, now containing depth. 

“everything i could see was beautiful. i cried and cried, standing there, surrounded by that beauty, even though i wasn’t standing anywhere. i could hear the sound of my own tears. everything was beautiful. not that there was anyone to share it with, anyone to tell. just the beauty.” 

he is freed from the thing he once considered a shackle and is now indifferent to for the first time, but never acknowledges the good or the bad. he is alone, standing in the street, seeing the beauty of the world. without a friend, without peers, without anyone. there’s no right or wrong. there’s no good or bad. just the beauty. 

[cocksuki2]

i will never EVER stop thinking about the quote ”everything was beautiful. not that there was anyone to share it with, anyone to tell. just the beauty.” it will haunt me until i die. it will live in my bones and my blood and my being until i am dust. 

[cocksuki2]

“my six eyes tell me you’re suguru getou, but my soul knows otherwise”

every single time i think of this I become so desperately and deeply mortified and sad. it’s the first time in the series gojo has ever alluded to or admitted just how PROFOUND an affect killing getou had on him. it’s the first time he admits that something HAS damaged him… and that it’s to the point that his SOUL feels the ache. that his VERY BEING feels the pain and regret and grief.

and yes we assume it hurt him because he had to literally KILL his best friend, but this is the first time gojo HIMSELF has ever acknowledged that part of him. it’s the first time gojo really GENUINELY shows just how deeply affected he is by the people he loves. not just that.. but how deeply affected he is by the actions jujutsu sorcer society forces him to carry out.

also just the fact that gojo’s SOUL knows getou. that gojo’s BEING recognizes him and feels the weight of his actions. the fact that it implies that he carries that burden with him every single day. it’s just a simple thing and honestly common sense but I think it’s a HUGE deal for gojo to even allude to just how deep getou was capable of injuring him and just how much grief he feels over having to kill him. BECAUSE GOJO DOESNT DO THAT. GOJO DOESNT ADMIT THAT HES DOWN OR HURTING OR INJURED OR ANYTHING HUT STRONG. I’m gonna lose my mind.

[cocksuki2]

eternally thinking about denji and his connection to love. always thinking about the transactional nature of his sexual desire and how that factors into the importance of his unconditional connection with power and aki. always thinking about how familial love changed the course of his life and how sexual attraction was constantly leveraged as a currency above him but never taken as less than the love he feels for aki and power.

thinking about the importance of human attraction in chainsaw man, of love as a motivator. thinking always about how denji, above all, is motivated by love of all kinds whether it be familial, platonic, or sexual. thinking about how different he would have been had he met them earlier. thinking about how denji’s desire and motivation shifts from sexual attraction to the subtle idea that he could love aki and power as family forever. love as a goal and as a resolution even in his most difficult times. love as the end all be all goal for our protagonists.

thinking denji’s guilt and the weight on his shoulders and the burden of love. thinking about how new it all was to him, how loving people so deeply despite their flaws was something he had never encountered before.

thinking about love in chainsaw man in all of its forms. the currency of it, the weight it holds with all the characters. love as the greatest motivator. love triumphing above all. love keeping our protagonists going until the very last moment. love motivating our heroes to action or inaction. love as a concept of control. love as a safety blanket. love as reason enough to make the sacrifice. just love and the pivotal role it plays in chainsaw man.

[cocksuki2]

if horikoshi wanted to kill someone he should’ve made it ENDEAVOR, not bakugo or any of the kids for that matter. or aizawa, everyone else is on the table but he needs to start with endeavor

you’re so right for saying this. i get that endeavor is having his redemption arc but i really... i don’t think there is redemption to be found in what he did (nor do i give a fuck). i think he can change as a person but redemption is out of the question. 

and im not saying that means he HAS to die... but if it was anyone it should have been him. ur right for saying that.

like katsuki already received retribution for his actions in a way that was fitting for his actions. ppl love to talk abt the “swam dive off the roof” incident but if we think about what he’s done to atone since then.. he’s received his karmic narrative retribution. by literally... throwing himself in front of what appeared to be a death blow meant for the boy he originally said that to. it is equal retribution in all senses of the term. 

katsuki bullied izuku and told him to die > katsuki doesn’t acknowledge his wrong doings > katsuki faces his inferority complex in regards to izuku > katsuki is willing and takes STEPS to die for him > katsuki apologizes. 

so yeah... ur right... from a narrative standpoint it should NOT have been bakugou. at this point i feel like it’s making a whole lot of shit happen to him that doesn’t make sense for his character arc, nor does it make sense for the actual structure of the story which tends to follow a general “bad action > retribution > redemption” arc. it just seems like using it as a shock factor or fear factor in order to further the story... which would make sense if it were ANYONE else. character deaths to further another character’s development are common in writing. they did it with nighteye. but i think the fundamental difference is that it just doesn’t do katsuki justice. it really doesn’t. 

[cocksuki2]

on one hand im hoping now with jjk season 2 people will FINALLY stop mischaracterizing gojo and see that’s he’s more than just a “manchild womanizer”. and on the other hand im not ready to see my timeline flood with just toji. its already bad enough with them and his manga panels but there’s also the problem with people not caring about his character either and only seeing a “dilf”

it’s gonna be a time for sure. see im honestly just afraid for the violent mischaracterization that will ensue AFTER the star vessel arc. i am truly and deeply afraid. I’m afraid for when people will start saying with their whole chest that gojo satoru is evil and a sadist who thinks he is god. I’ll scream.

I’m ALREADY tired of the toji dilf speak!!!! I’m not emotionally prepared to be bombarded with images of him. like yes he is sexy but I just…. we already went through this is feel like. history repeats itself. also he’s so plot important and his lore in particular is so cool im sad that he’s def gonna be reduced even further than he already has been

[cocksuki2]

is it just me or is it irritating that people hate on himeno for taking denji home, yet stay silent about makima, as if making your teenage employee grab your boob isn’t gross as hell (amongst other things she’s done). i wish people would talk about her behavior more in the fandom overall. i feel like people don’t acknowledge it as much because a good amount of the fandom is only looking to hyper-sexualize makima, which also rubs me the wrong way. i hope what i’m saying makes sense since i’m bad at articulating

honesssttlllyyy yeah this makes absolute sense. i think that not talking abt makima the same way we talk abt himeno is like... missing a crucial part of what csm is about beneath the surface. like this is a manga about manipulation and control. there is a REASON both makima and himeno are older than denji and in positions of power over him while ALSO pursuing him sexually (whether out of a need to 1-up others or manipulation). 

to look at makima and say that their age and power difference isn’t as important or as negative in a sexual context as himeno’s is (i think) a vast misunderstanding of the story. like they BOTH are taking advantage of him because they have power over him. himeno because she clearly has a complex about makima, and makima because she aims to control the chainsaw devil.

i have a lot of conflicting thoughts abt this particular part of the story, but i find it really difficult to organize them. mostly because i still think, despite her actions, himeno is largely painted as a hero and martyr within the story while makima is the overall antagonist. i actually think it’s quite interesting the way the fandom has taken those two characters and their relatively similar actions and attributed the villainy to himeno and the "heroism” to makima. i think this can largely be attributed to the fandoms general preferences, but i also think it can be attributed to the way the characters are written. himeno remains human to the viewers and denji and is therefore fallible, where as makima (even before she is revealed to be the control devil) feels largely inhuman and above fallibility.

but i’m getting off track. the moral of the story is that yes, i def think you are right. there’s a reason both of those characters pursue denji sexually and are both older than him and in a position of power over him. it’s literally ALL about control and manipulation. 

and it’s DEFINITELY frustrating to see makima hyper-sexualized for the same actions because she is “hotter” to the overall fandom. it’s very frustrating to see. 

also... i have WAYYY TOO MANY THOUGHTS ABT THIS PARTICULAR VEIN OF CSM ANALYSIS. like... i cannot gather my thoughts for shit so i APOLOGIZE if this is incoherent or means/says absolutely nothing. i have that thing where u have a lot of thoughts u wanna get across but you can’t formulate them properly and it makes me want to CLAW MY CHEST OPEN. 

[cocksuki2]

i feel like a lot of people water down satosugu and took that line “my six eyes tell me you’re geto suguru by my soul knows otherwise” and ran with it just to ship it and ignore how actually important they were to each other. esp THOSE certain women who you can tell fetishize mlm seeing that panel and they’re just like “omg they were in love” “gay!” like bro…

i literally seen someone get attacked a while back for saying they shipped satosugu platonically and not romantically. they talked about how geto was important to gojo’s character, they’re platonic soulmates, and how it affected gojo more than meets the eye. In the comments people were telling them “you clearly don’t understand the manga then” “they were gay get over it” like how do you water down a character’s importance to another’s THAT BAD? i try not to point fingers its mainly a certain demographic of people doing it too

i agree with most of this except for the concept of seeing them as romantic meaning that it’s watered down. i don’t think this is necessarily what you’re saying, but i don’t think romantically shipping them is watering-down their characters or their importance. i def see what you’re saying with like.. certain groups of people.. but i also think that reading them as romantic is a completely valid way of looking at satosugu. 

i think there’s this idea that romance and romantic attachment is inherently less important than platonic (which is seen as “serious”). i could get into how i think it’s because romance is commonly tied to femininity but that’s an entirely separate conversation and a super long one 😭😭😭 though i hear what you’re saying but i personally think looking at satosugu romantically can be just as powerful and impactful as looking at them platonically. 

that being said, it does feel like a lot of that is used purely for shipping purposes, but i don’t think that takes away it’s meaning. yes, it’s an important comment of gojo’s that indicates a deeper level of hurt, grief, and resentment within him, but it is also a REALLY strong indication of gojo and getou’s attachment to each other. i think even reading that as ship content is a really valid and interesting way of looking at it because it IS about his connection to getou. it IS about how much he cares for getou. 

though that’s kinda off topic from what you were saying 😭😭😭 i guess all im adding to this is that i think reading satosugu as romantic and reading that moment as indication of a romantic connection doesn’t necessarily water-down their importance... but it IS annoying when it’s done in a way that purely fetishizes queer men rather than acknowledge the importance to their character arcs. i feel u. 

[cocksuki2]

im so emotional. im so so emotional.

[cocksuki2]

i actually am going to fucking cunt punch all for one. what a goddamn fucking cunt. so greedy what do you even need TWO BODIES FOR??? GIVE IT BACK??? 

[cocksuki2]

oh wow.... wow.... she’s so... she’s so dreamy...

[cocksuki2]

so im reading a manga called “the summer hikaru died” right now and im only on the second chapter but... this thing/guy’s reaction to a croquette / katsu has me fucking dying. 

he’s moaning and EVVVERRRRYYTHINNNNGG

[cocksuki2]

i love this guy so bad. 

[cocksuki2]

anyway I wish I had looked up avatar 2 before I watched it bc i would not have seen it otherwise. I could talk abt how the story fell flat or how it failed to blend its animation into the plot the way it did the first one… but honestly I don’t really want to simply because it’s really clear how james cameron appropriated indigenous culture in his film indiscriminately in order to further a white savior complex… which… felt weird watching the first one but the last time I watched it I was too young and a bit too uneducated to understand that.

anyway movie was mid and felt like watching three hours of nothing… with cultural insensitivity sprinkled into almost every aspect of it.

[cocksuki2]

i love reading the comments on frustrating romance manga/webtoons where it’s the same people commenting over and over abt how they don’t like it until the manga ends and they’re like... welp. it is so unnecessarily funny. ESP when ur in the same boat. 

i just read this ANNOYING manga (nice art tho) where the entire time... everyone was annoying... the mc... the love interest... the rivals.... the second love interest. there was not a single person who was not annoying. even the STORY was annoying. AND one of the rivals was a 29 YEAR OLD WOMAN!!! PINING AFTER A HIGH SCHOOL FIRST YEAR!!!! and i dont even dislike age gap mangas, BUT THAT WAS EXTREME!!! i just... this enTIRE plot line was stupid. TO HER!!! the PROBLEM WAS THAT HE LIED!!! NOT THAT HE WAS LIKE!!!! 15 YEARS YOUNGER!!! 

THEN THE FEMALE MC WAS ANNOYING AND WEAK AND A PUSHOVER!!! THE HIGH SCHOOL RIVAL DIDN’T MAKE SENSE!!! THE SECOND LEAD AND OG LOVE INTEREST WAS WISHY WASHY!!! THE ADULT RIVAL WAS AN IDIOT!!!! and at the end... after..... 67 chapters... of the most dogshit... annoying.... pushover lead story.... WE DIDN’T EVEN GET A KISS!!!

and YOU KNOW WHAT??? i read THE ENTIRE THING IN A DAY!!!!! I READ ALL OF IT! START TO FINISH! the comments the entire time were legit “im dropping this” FROM THE SAME PEOPLE!! EVERY CHAPTER!!! AND IT WAS HILARIOUS!!! IT WAS FUNNY!!! like DAMN ME TOO BITCH!!! ME TOO!!! 

I READ THE ENTIRE THING BC THE MAIN GUY LOOKED LIKE KOU MABUCHI FROM AU HARU RIDE!!! AND YK WHAT???? i STAND BY IT!!! KOU IS HOT!!!!!!