cocksuki2

[cocksuki2]

i gotta start posting real shit on this blog and get back to analyzing bc it's basically just been a personal and vent blog and i dont like that shit because im annoying

[cocksuki2]

its feeling like an all my friends hate me and im a burden and i spoke too much about what's going on in my life and now no one likes me kind of night.

[cocksuki2]

this week i have been sitting a lot with accepting what happened last year and the fact that he's no longer out in the world somewhere and that we will never get to see him succeed. it's very strange and every time i remember it, im hit with this shock that like... never goes away? and it's sad but its also hard to wrap my head around even a year later.

[cocksuki2]

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it’s been a year since you left and its still so strange to me that you’re not out in the world somewhere. we hadn’t spoken in years, but i cant accept it. i hope things are easier for you. i hope that wherever you are, there’s a little more beauty than you could find here. i hope you’re resting. i hope that you’ve found peace. we miss you and the world is different without you in it.

[cocksuki2]

ope you know what. i think it's probably just bc im about to start my period. LOL

[cocksuki2]

i hate it when i get bored and like.. don't wanna do my hobbies bc it makes me get weird abt everything else in my life. like i start to be like "oh my god everyone is mad at me" or like worry that im annoying or something when i know im probably just bored or tired or both. but it's too early to go to bed rn so i just have to be awake for another half hour. like what am i supposed to do????

[cocksuki2]

music nerds and snobs make me want to strangle people at times. sorry I’m a hater. hater till I die. there’s just something so pretentious abt many genres of music nerds.

[cocksuki2]

when i tell you... it was so short but so so bad that i literally frowned

[cocksuki2]

just saw a take so shit that i was prompted to unfollow

[cocksuki2]

osamu dazai and yukio mishima both wrote frequently about double suicide, usually between lovers and usually under the guise of going crazy and being okay with it. reading both of their works makes me really really curious about whether or not it was just them and mishima was just inspired by dazai, or if this was a greater pattern within japanese literature and culture in the years immediately after World War II…

like considering the HUGE cultural shift that happened after japan lost the war (because the country had lied to its citizens saying they were going to win until the day of the surrender).. I’m wondering if, upon losing that sense of nationalism from an imperialistic government, this idea of meaninglessness and double suicide with someone who feels the same was a general pattern in literature at the time.

like…. they both ponder the idea of double suicide with someone their character loves who is like minded VERY often (mishima in almost every book he’s written, and dazai famously in no longer human). they talk often about this perverse, strangely sexual, need to die together and based entirely in a like-minded idea of meaninglessness and misery..

[cocksuki2]

MIEKO KAWAKAMI CAME OUT W A NEW BOOK IM GONNA SCREAM SOOOO FUCKI G LOUD

[cocksuki2]

my day improved

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I’m good y’all dw

[cocksuki2]

I don’t want anyone to know I’m feeling this but I also need someone to look at me. I don’t want anyone to know but I don’t want to be alone. I’m so fucking tired of being alone.

[cocksuki2]

horrible feeling to realize that you’re telling yourself that u just need to survive until a certain point bc u believe things will magically get better

[cocksuki2]

I can’t ask for help (i am embarrassed) but I really wish someone would notice that things are getting really bad again (I literally do not tell anyone anything about my real feelings, nor have I ever tried)

[cocksuki2]

happy birthday, jamo