#calypsobulbasaur

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you're baaaaack <3 haven't even listened to the new ep yet but I was just reading chapter 9 to catch up and this bit has got me reeling

I was slowly realizing that vampires were much bigger participants in this world than I’d once thought. How many times did the average human cross paths with them, completely unaware? How many deaths, obliviously reported as crimes and accidents, were really due to their thirst? How crowded would this new world be when I finally joined it?

it sent me to a world where stephenie had an ounce of curiosity about the universe she's making. *could* there even be that many vampires without the world going into crisis?

in the books we get the feeding-frenzy action of edward then james's bloodlust, newborns in seattle which are noticeable enough to be on the news, and volturi "fishing" trip which i always assumed was a daily thing.

do we ever find out how often non-vegetarians feed? could it actually be hidden by people just going missing?

the biggest clue we get about how long they can go without feeding is that in midnight sun when edward is talking about how jasper is struggling more than the rest of them, he was thinking this interesting quote:

“It had been two weeks since our last hunting trip. That was not an immensely difficult time span for the rest of us. A little uncomfortable occasionally—if a human walked too close, if the wind blew the wrong way.”

which implies that 2-3 weeks is a normal length of time for the cullens at least, but it doesn't really state whether this applies to human eating vampires or not. I feel like breaking dawn has more quotes about how often the human eaters are leaving to go hunt, but I've always thought that they (human eating vampires) probably go maybe once or twice a month. I also think that the vampire population probably grows with the human population. I'm sure that all the murder/missing people would still be pretty noticeable. a lot of suspension of disbelief is required here—G

yeah we do think this incredibly interesting to think about and is definitely something I personally love to see explored in fic/meta!!!! reading bree tanner also makes you think a little harder about all of this, too. so it's kind of fun to now be throwing her doomed-by-the-narrative-ass into things—shannon

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if smeyer wrote new moon in 2023 edward could've told charlie he was allergic to gluten+dairy+soy etc and he would never bat an eye about edward not eating

that would be fun but listen I genuinely don't think any of the cullens are capable of coming up with a good excuse as to why they don't eat. and that's stephenie's fault for giving literal human doctor carlisle a bunch of "adopted" teens and not letting the doctor thing actually become relevant in their cover story

I do like to imagine that one of the cullens once got asked why they don't eat and they just panicked and went "I'm allergic" and then did not and would not specify what they were allergic to—shannon

oh they've ALL been sent to the guidance counselor with suspected eating disorders

"I'm allergic"

"to...all food?"

"yeah I photosynthesize"

—emmett, panicking after mr molina asked him whether he'd like a turkey sandwich or pb&j on the greenhouse field trip

—G

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ooh do you think alice ever made the cullens dress up for halloween? i'm really seeing them as the scooby doo gang for a group costume... poor edward would have to be scooby

ha! tbh we can't really picture the non-alice and emmett cullens dressing up for halloween (well, maaaaaybe rosalie could be persuaded if emmett asks her after like 6 earth-shattering orgasms.) they're just a lil too boring and/or dignified. also, they don't have a lot of occasions to dress up in costumes (maybe esme would for like a PTA mom thing? or carlisle could add a jack-o-lantern sticker to his stethoscope? something something doctor shit here.)

that said, we still loooovve fanart and fic of the characters dressing up. it's always SO fun. exhibit a: "poor edward would have to be scooby" (shannon: "I love when he has to fifth- or seventh-wheel")

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i read this really long fic back in the day that was just ... on someone's website, that was new moon from edward's perspective. and for the "possibility" months (or longer?) he digs himself a lil grave and pretty much just zones out under the dirt with his eyes open thinking of nothing. and i think the author was so real for that

that’s very funny and honestly super on-brand. in the dirt pit he goes!—shannon

he's so method. now THAT'S commitment to the vampire Bit —G

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re episode 31 - PNW-dweller here 🙋🏼‍♀️: the cullens' place would ABSOLUTELY be grown over in massive plants in four months. shit grows like crazy here even in winter. it pretty much never snows, but I've seen it rain for 60 days straight.

as proof here is a pic of me - hiking in january - with ferns wayyy taller than me. and the trees are covered in squashy green stuff as bella would say lmao

I am KICKING MY FEET at this delightful confirmation oh my god thank you so much??? I figured it had milder seasons since it's so close to the coast but you really rolled up with the best proof. thank you so much. this just made my morning—shannon

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if we gave that summer reading list to bella she is coming back to school as Dark Bella in september

not Dark Bella 💀💀💀 I think if bella both read and internalized a bunch of things off the @bellasbookclub summer rec list she would come back feeling so normal about dating a TBV (Twilight Brand Vampire). every time edward gets all dramatic and self-loathing she sighs and looks at her bookshelf like "well, I could be making much worse choices tbh....." —shannon

listen we did a whole Challenge about this over on the bbc tumblr back in november for a reason. we know our audience are no cowards when it comes to books, monsterfucking, and monsterfucking books and boy did you guys not disappoint 😏 —g

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i went to pro wrestling for the first time this week and somebody in the crowd yelled (top of lungs yelled) "RIP HIS JORTS OFF" so. oh no *his* jorts!

NOT THE JORTS 💀

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Euphoria & Agony and Dark Noon chapters 23 are now live! 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony chapter 23 - The Truth

Dark Noon chapter 23 - The Truth

"'Before you, Beau, my life was like a dark room. Very dark, but there was dim, red light—I could develop photos, little snapshots of pleasantness and meaning… And then you walked in and turned on the lights. Suddenly everything was gleaming in the fluorescent brilliance; there was brightness, there was euphoria.'"

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur

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the Euphoria & Agony and Dark Noon epilogues are now live! 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony Epilogue - Treaty

Dark Noon Epilogue - Treaty

"The fairy tale was back on. Princess returned, frog turned human again. I didn’t know what the hell to do with the leftover, pathetically single and rejected character. Produce some new person for her to end up with happily ever after?"

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur

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Euphoria & Agony and Dark Noon chapters 20 are now live! 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony chapter 20 - Volterra

Dark Noon chapter 20 - Afterlife

"After all these months of edging on the precipice of euphoria, unable to feel release, Hades would finally come…home."

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur

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Euphoria & Agony chapter 3 and Dark Noon chapters 3 (AO3-exclusive bonus) and 4 are now live 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony chapter 3 - The End

Dark Noon chapter 3 - Monster

Dark Noon chapter 4 - The End

"It took no effort to beat Bella to her house, to slide through her oiled window for the last time. Would it rust shut, now that I would no longer be present to grease it? Who would kill the spiders that took up residence in the corner?"

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur

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Euphoria & Agony and Dark Noon chapters 14 are now live! 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony chapter 14 - Family

Dark Noon chapter 14 - Temptation

"'Totally shredded,' Janet clicked her tongue. 'Bonnie said this was the last bra she could afford—guess Julie’s going nips-out now.'"

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur

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Euphoria & Agony and Dark Noon chapters 18 are now live! 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony chapter 18 - The Funeral

Dark Noon chapter 18 - The Funeral

"The princess was never coming back to kiss me and break my curse. I was just a slimy frog, after all. So were frogs allowed to have other kisses? The boring, sloppy, wet kind that didn't break any spells?"

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur

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Euphoria & Agony and Dark Noon chapters 11-12 are now live—featuring an AO3-exclusive bonus! 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony chapter 11 - Cult

Euphoria and Agony chapter 12 - Intruder

Dark Noon chapter 11 - Arrival

Dark Noon chapter 12 - Pursuit (AO3-exclusive bonus!)

"I waited to watch Julie fall to her death, or to at least really mess herself up against the side of the house, Looney Tunes style." "The stray thought had come from two floors beneath me, at the coffee stand in the baggage claim area, where the feral nightmare-creature who hunted my love had just ordered a venti strawberry frappucino with six shots of espresso."

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur

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Euphoria & Agony and Dark Noon chapters 24 are now live! 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony chapter 24 - Vote

Dark Noon chapter 24 - Vote

"Of course no sane person could feel love for a vile, twisted demon like myself...I vowed I would find her the cleanest psychiatric facility, with the best care my 46 billion dollars could buy."

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur

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Euphoria & Agony and Dark Noon chapters 21-22 are now live—featuring an AO3-exclusive bonus! 🍎🧛‍♂️🍏

Read along with your favorite fake books!

Euphoria and Agony chapter 21 - Verdict

Euphoria and Agony chapter 22 - Flight

Dark Noon chapter 21 - Verdict (AO3-exclusive bonus!)

Dark Noon chapter 22 - Flight

"Sulpicia grinned. 'What do you say, Beau? Edythe can’t seem to find her way inside of you, but I’m like her in many ways and can probe you quite similarly.'"

cover designs by @ trinketcrow and @ calypsobulbasaur