#can this happen or did I just fully delude myself into thinking I was sober last night

[noahsfault]

Drank two ciders last night and all it did was make the voices in my head go away

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

9. Part 2

I am on my third blunt, but yet my mind is on the fact Rihanna and Mel have both been at me to come to the home, for what. To throw it in my face about her being pregnant I don’t fucking think so, I don’t even want to see Rihanna pregnant, not when it is not mine. I am hurt about it, I feel like they want to get back at me, now I know they do because she mentioned Kae. Putting my blunt out as I got up from the couch “fucking sick of these bitches” making my way to the kitchen area, I don’t know why I am coming here but I am “move” I said to some random girl in the way “rude!” she spat, placing my hands on the counter, it’s driving me crazy that she is pregnant and I shouldn’t feel this way but I am, it’s like she laughed in my face with all that talk, she knew. She knew she would be fucking Drake, oh she fucking had sex with me with a condom on and him raw, see how foul she is about this situation “maybe this should be your last blunt” Krista said, she was about to touch my blunt but I moved it “don’t fucking touch my shit!” I shouted and walked off again “what is even wrong with you!” I don’t need another fucking female driving me crazy, Rihanna is doing it for me “it’s ok, you just leave him” Hoody said as I walked by him “aye!” he said behind me, I was going to kick my door open but I didn’t, it’s my home and I need to remain calm. I sure in hell banged the door shut to my studio, placing the blunt between my lips and lit it as I sat down in the chair and sitting back “bro, what is wrong? You are taking too much in, like you are mixing whippets and blunt together without having a break” blowing the smoke out from my lips “fuck you” I pointed at him “what has happened? You got a broken phone and all that shit, come on?” I laughed, I laughed so hard because they think I am crazy, but I am not, I know everything. Grabbing the dispenser from the side “leave me the fuck alone, nigga” I don’t need him.

Placing my hand over my head as a sob left my lips, I close my eyes and I fucking see her face and I don’t want it “not crying” I said to myself, throwing the dispenser to the corner and got up from the chair. Let me go, I want to know now what the fuck she wants. I am high enough to not care, or maybe I am just feeling emotional, but I don’t care nothing will hurt me now. Walking out of the studio room “clean this shit” I mumbled, I want a clean home when I come back but what do I know I am just out of my mind. Grabbing my Bentley key from the side “what are you doing? Aye, where you going” Sinko grabbed my shoulder, pushing him “don’t fucking touch me, I am going out” walking off to the front door “but you are out of it, if you get stopped nigga you will be locked up. We got everything here. What do you need?” he is asking what I need, that is laughable when they need me in everything, who are even these niggas to question me. They don’t care for my wellbeing; I am just a home for them to come too. I swear I am just going there because I am out of it, she can talk her shit and I will be there just not listening.

Who the fuck said I would get stopped, I know where I am going, I am a fucking robot. I am not even human anymore; I am outside the home and I fully knew where I was going to come here. I don’t even want to go inside this home at all, to think she is in there and wants me to come, why. What is even the purpose of this, I know it will be to throw that she is pregnant to my face and to say how happy she is but oh fucking well. I see she rented a place because she isn’t at Mel’ apartment, hiding as fucking always. I was going to get out of the car but then I heard a commotion coming out of the home, squinting my eyes seeing a group coming out of the home, she is having a party in that home and wants me to come there, she is a bitch. I know she is a bitch because she wants to just crush my soul and then stomp on it, opening the car door. I am surprised it’s not gated off but then this is a rich area, and nobody really comes here with the police constantly around, it’s rented anyways or knowing my luck she has moved here. Stepping out of the car, I feel a little weird actually. I have totally taken too much I think, turning around and grabbing my phone from the middle panel “what” I said to myself, when did my phone screen break. Kicking my door shut, I turned around a little too quickly I near fell “you dancing for us!” I am sure that is Jen’ voice, looking up and seeing her wave, locking my car door and walking across and then hearing a loud honk. Turning to see the bright lights “what the fuck dude!?” some guy shouted “suck my dick nigga, you fucking blind you saw me walking. Don’t fuck with me and that is on blood” I can’t see who this guy is but whatever, walking off anyways “he is dancing and stepping in front of cars now, hey!” Jen is funny but I don’t think I am in the right mind to care “chile” this bald headed dude said, looking at him as I walked by “are you ok?” Jen asked “huh, me? Yeah good” walking by her, I don’t want to speak to be honest “I am going now!” hearing Mel shout, I felt guilt seeing Mel. I was rude to her on the messages “the door is open, lets go bitches!!” Mel shouted as she ran by me.

The door is just wide open, stood staring at the open door. I have not moved an inch from when Mel flew by me, looking behind me and at the SUV that is being packed full of Robyn’ people. Turning my head and looking at the door again, it is fully opened, and I don’t actually want to go inside. Putting my head down, I mean I feel at ease but the thought of Robyn being in there pregnant, I just don’t want to see it. Lifting my head hearing the SUV drive off “I can’t” I breathed out, I am going “dat Melissa! You left the door open you stupid-” Robyn stopped shouting from the door looking at me, my eyes fell to her stomach. She is really pregnant; I felt the pain in my heart. I didn’t want it to be true in my own deluded mind I wanted it to be a joke, I hate that I love her, I really fucking do hate it. She still dogged me out, I won’t be slipping this time. I feel so awkward “when you want to come in” Robyn walked off back inside “fuck” looking up to the sky, I need a sign. Any kind of sign because I can’t do it, I am high as fuck and still I feel this way. Eventually she would move on, eventually Robyn was going to get pregnant, but I always wanted it to be mine. Turning back around on myself, I have whippets in my car, I need to feel the euphoria but then what if I am just out of my mind too much, just one shot I will be ok.

I am ready now; I can face a pregnant Robyn. Closing the door behind me I just laughed, I laughed because this is bullshit, there is no reason to feel like this when she isn’t mine, she is everyone else’s and whoever the father is, fuck this “man” I said laughing to myself, now I am giddy and I feel good about myself. Stuffing my hand in my pocket walking inside the home and laughing “woah” I moved back “sorry” staring at the wall “ok that is weird” that was somebody, I just know “hide and seek now, we playing” I am on some shit and I find it hilarious, looking around the home “huh” lifting my leg up looking at the floor “you got a dog!?” I shouted “clearly” placing my foot back down and looking at Robyn, I just laughed “well, well, well. A wild pregnant Robyn has appeared, I am funny” nodding my head smiling “if you were going to be high as fuck you shouldn’t have bothered, you’re not even high. You’re just fucking out of it” licking my lips still cackling to myself “well kick me back out, I don’t mind? You like that shit anyways; I think you should go Chris you said? Well! I am here, what do you want, oh and congratulations on the thing” I pointed at her stomach “thing?” Robyn is not impressed “you drinking? We are drinking, let’s get drunk. Remember” walking slowly, I don’t want to walk fast because I will end up breaking my ass on the ground. Robyn hit my hand before I touched her nose “we don’t talk when we sober, I remember” walking off, I know she got booze here “you got drink! Come on!” I will find it myself.

I laughed as a little bit of wine spilt on the side counter “ooppss” laughing looking behind me “you ain’t see that” I spoke to the statue “I don’t even like wine, but we are celebrating Rihanna, Roc Nations queen. The island queen” grabbing the glass turning around “woah!” I near fell, that was too quick “I am used to the face Robyn, unimpressed. Everyone is unimpressed but Drake, the fucking Jew got you knocked up. Pussy wasn’t too dry huh?” sipping the win “urgh! Nope, that is nasty. But I am happy for you, because you wanted that, but you didn’t need to fuck me, you were fucking him. But to Rihanna and Drake the perfect fucking parents, is that what you wanted me for?” I am unsure at what she wants, why she is wanting me here “you’re an actual mess Chris, I think maybe you need to just go and come back when you’re not like this?” placing the glass down “I can’t, I will come back again like this. I, I can’t see you like normal me, we don’t talk when we sober Rihanna!” I shouted, “you are holding onto every word I said, stop being petty” I sniggered, she really telling me what to do “you’re pregnant, what do you want from me!” throwing my arms in the air “Drake won! I lost, now what?” walking to Robyn slowly “I am not a fucking prize Chris, just relax. It’s not even that bad” she said “liar! You are a born face liar, come on. You everyone prize, Drake fucking got it! He got it all, and now this. Fucking luck” Robyn pushed at my chest “shut the fuck up, he is not the fucking father!” Robyn shouted “oh” I laughed “another drunken sex talk then!?” Robyn mean mugged me “you think like every man does of me! I fucked you Chris! I had sex with you! You were the only fucking nigga I had sex with and got pregnant, you are the fucking father, not fucking Drake!” Robyn pointed at my chest, I stumbled feeling the blood drain from me staring at her. Feeling dizzy with myself and stumbled back “Chris, hey!” that was the last thing I heard before I blacked out.

Staring at Chris on the floor, I did not expect such a reaction, but he was being erratic. Grabbing the pillow from the couch and making my way back to him “Chris” slowly getting on my knees at the side of him, I didn’t want him to hurt his head “Christopher” lifting his head him, placing the pillow behind his head, he is breathing. Touching his face “Chris” he groaned out, scrunching his face up as he did “don’t get up too quick, are you ok?” looking down at him, his eyes bulged out at me, he is confused “just lay there for a moment, it’s ok” getting up from the floor, I need a little peace from his mouth. I was losing the will to live hearing him rant on, I am a little hurt by some of the things he said that is why I had to just say it, he was acting like I am a whore and that I let any nigga fuck me, he judge me and I just snapped. Chris is going to give me heartburn now, my poor baby is just thinking what the fuck is happening. Grabbing my water bottle from the side, this is the most peace I have had all day. It’s been dramatic because of everything happening, I can hear him shuffle on the floor. Turning around as I drank from the water bottle, he is still a little shaky, but he wants to get up he can. I didn’t expect that at all, I did not think he would faint but I don’t know what drugs he’s had but they really did a number on him “you can sit if you want” I pointed at the couch “you said something, what did you say?” nodding my head “that I had sex with you, that was it. I found out I am pregnant, hi” Chris rubbed the back of his head “I need to smoke” he turned back around, he is shocked, and I don’t blame him.

I had to check on him, I didn’t want Chris to be out there fainting again, but he isn’t, he is just pacing and smoking but the knock has stopped him acting a whole ass to me. I should have kicked him out but it’s Chris, I know him, and he is hurt that I threw him out of the bedroom like what was we supposed to do after we had sex, cuddle. Hearing the door close, this is round two, this will be fun. Chris has come back with a whole new persona “so you are telling that the baby is mine?” nodding my head “you were the last person I had sex with Chris” which he was “we wore a condom, I mean I fucking remember that, you put that on me, well you checked it anyways. How can that be mine?” he is really questioning me “you wouldn’t be the perfect candidate to have a baby with, I have lasted this long without getting pregnant but look at that, now I am. I cried when I found out, then I cried to think it was you” Chris pulled a face at me “well if you told me, then I would have gave my blessing to get rid of it. You think I want a baby with you, the same woman to tell me to go. You used me! You fucking used me for a baby, used me for sex. You think I am stupid” rolling my eyes “you think I want you in my fucking life, you think you are so fucking hard done by because I told you to go, what did you want! To fucking hug you, you dogged me out with Kae, you made me look fucking stupid and I had to leave your ass, don’t fucking start with me, you did worse than me. I was so sick and upset when I had to leave you because you didn’t leave that fucking bitch! And you are crying to me about making you go, trust me Chris you are the last nigga I want in my life!” why is he making this such a fucking argument “you should be glad I am even telling you this, I don’t need you. I am telling you to give you a chance to be a father, I mean what was I thinking” I laughed turning away from him, what was I thinking.

I don’t think this heartache was worth it “well I assumed it was Drake’ baby because you are so far up his ass, and to be honest I don’t remember it. You have your team of people that you love so much, you chose them over me” he is starting again “over you! Are you kidding me!? I was busy on that fucking tour and you couldn’t stay faithful because you had that bitch on the side, it was done. You were the one running to me in New York, I chose you at that point! I chose you and you fucked it up” I pointed at him, I am fucking raging now “you had me Chris, you had me. Just that you lost me and yet again your sorry ass can’t even apologise after all this, you right. The reason we can’t speak being sober because of this! I still have your fucking heart and you know it Chris, why the fuck are you making this so hard” I need to relax “because you are dead ass wrong, you about to have the baby what you want me to do now?” sitting down on the couch “thank god you’re not a fucking doctor, my god. Talking about I am about to have it, I am giving you a motherfucking chance to be a dad now! What did you want me to do? Run to you and be one of your many baby mothers which I am but nobody knows” Chris sniggered “welcome to the circus!” he said with his arms in the air, I hate him.

Chris and I are quiet now, I rather be quiet with each other because this is not working out already, he doesn’t let go and I can’t be bothered anymore but I need him to go now if he doesn’t care “you’re either in or out” clasping my hands together “I am not shouting at you, we have too much past to argue on but you’re either in this or you can go and pretend like this never happened, I can raise the baby alone but I am not chasing you Chris, I am not doing that. You leave from that door then my door is closed from you and you just stay away, that will include Mel. You’re in this then we can work together but you’re in this on my terms” I just want him to answer and fucking go because it’s just petty back and forth now “I will take you to court, do what you like. I will take you to court, my terms. Just because you’re Rihanna you are talking my terms, I will get the rights to my child!” he is just pressing me today, licking my lips laughing shaking my head “take me to court to do what boo boo the fool?” now he has triggered me “what? So your mother can take care of it huh?” getting up from the couch “tell me Chris, tell where the fuck are your kids! You want to start let’s start. Royalty, your mother looks after, the boy is in Germany. You! Fucking take drugs, you have whore parties at your home, you have not a fucking clue. You know what you will gain out of it? A fucking clown hat, you don’t know a single fucking clue on how to be a father, what is your daughter’ favourite fucking toy? What does your son love so much. I have been watching you Chris, just like you said you watch me sometimes but since I have been pregnant I have done nothing but watch you, I bet you haven’t even changed a diaper. You half ass dad, your mother has that girl constantly, you know what I see in that house of yours!? Loneliness with random girls that can’t fill that void I left. You don’t feel a thing when you don’t see your kids, you have a title of being a father, that is it. I am not, and I am telling you now. I won’t have no half assed father in my child’ life, I am not having this. I had it with my own father! I won’t have what you are now to those kids! If you was a good dad then you wouldn’t be what you are now, a fucking mess. Yes, I am judging you, come for me Chris because I will fight for my baby. Whatever comes out of you mouth is non void because you can’t defend your actions, it speaks volumes to me that you came to me like this, you are still that man I met again in twenty twelve. Fatherhood hasn’t changed you, just gave you a collection. I am not going to kiss your ass in this, you think now. Because you are going to play by my rules until I know you can act right, and you know what? Your mother should have done this a long time with you. I will not have Joyce looking after my child, period. What do you honestly got going for you? A dead end life with a bunch of fools, I am sick of it. I don’t need your shit when I am pregnant, I don’t need it. I am going to pee, you do as you please. If you go then shut the door on your way out but this door won’t be open again” walking off to go and pee, I need it after all the commotion of Chris.

I feel like a bitch, I didn’t want to bring up his kids. That is not my issue but his cocky ass smiling like he is taking me to court, for what exactly. I am going to protect my baby whether he wants it or not, I will fuck anyone up when it comes to my baby. I feel awful but he just pushed it, I know I have upset him because he didn’t say a word to me at all but he doesn’t know anything about his kids, you can tell he don’t he has the fucking title and that is it. I have been hiding in the bathroom, I think in a way I don’t want to see he left because then everyone is riding on he would be there, but this Chris that is delving in deep drugs, I don’t know him “fuck it” I said to myself, I just need to face the music, if he has gone then I guess it’s just me and my baby. Walking back into the room, he is here then but he got up from the couch ever so quickly “I need to think” he said in a much calmer tone “about?” I questioned, staring at his face he is teary eyed and I feel bad “I uhm, I want to come back less high” he put his head down “I just need a moment, if I can come back if not then I will have to just, I don’t know”  he shrugged, he wants to cry “I will be back in the morning” he sniffled “I won’t tell anyone about what was said, I just need to think yeah?” I want to say no but I agreed, it’s been a lot and a lot has been said between us both, we have hurt each other but I think may have hurt him the most “I just need to gather myself, I will be back” he moved back a little “ok” I breathed out, watching him walk off “see you in the morning then” I added but he didn’t say anything back, he just was wiping his face as he left.