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sockendrache · 3 years

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Animal Crossing Fangame-Rambling, idk

Been home from school today and playing ACNH and-

I was already burnt out before but its worse than I remember so watch me ramble about what I’d love to see in an Animal Crossing Game (which would probably make it less animal crossing and more like a stardew valley-animal crossing-cozy grove-bastard child-)

Just-

Give me a tiny city to rule over. I don’t want a big-ass island that I have to plan every inch of and move shit around to fit buildings in and decorate to make it look nice and if I don’t decorate it looks like I’m just a hobo squatting out on an island in the middle of the ocean catching bugs to a fukkn raccoon (cmon tell me that doesn’t sound like the fucking juice Nook gave you at the beginning was a drug)

Like- a mixture of City Folk and New Leaf. You’re a Mayor, you move into a tiny almost-abandoned city in the middle of bumfuck-nowhere, there’s a bunch of closed-down shops around, absolutely nothing’s going on, there’s only like three other villagers living there who are super fucking old and don’t want to sell their houses coz “I raised THIRTY kids in this house, I will NOT be moving out!!!” (in addition to that, give me more old-looking villagers. I want a senior-home filled with old dudes and dudettes like Doby just ranting about today’s youth and giving you terrible dating advice like “Back in my day we just threw bricks with notes glued on at each other” “Please don’t do that”)

And idk-

It’s just a fucking ghost-town when you first move in and the NPCs are all super depressed and don’t even fucking care anymore, Blathers damn-near has a heart attack when you first approach him cause he hasn’t seen a new face around town in forever. And basically- its just your quest to bring this town back to its former glory. Like- you actually have more power as the Mayor, not like in New Leaf where you could only build stuff (that you had to pay for yourself rip)

And at the beginning you can choose the town’s general aesthetic, like, Japanese, cottage, modern, cute, etc etc... and the more qests you get done the more the town gets restored and actually starts to look like this aesthetic. And no more villager-houses with a specific look, instead it’s just general houses that fit the town’s look or small apartments with multiple villagers living in them-

And when searching for a new villager you don’t have to wait for one to randomly move in or go island-hopping or pay a fortune for each one on nookazon, instead you just get like 10 applications every week until the town is full. You can choose one or multiple of them, or none at all and it gets reset the next day.

And give me some QUESTS!!! I love animal crossing so much, but it’s so frustrating to play if you don’t have your own goal set in mind for what you want to do, so you just run around and do nothing? Or is that just me rip

aNyWaYs- like stardew valley, just give me a quest-board where the villagers can ask for stuff or help them out in other ways, like “can someone help me redecorate my house?” or “I need a new look!” or stuff like that, and you can just change the villager’s interior design or give them a new set of clothes (in addition to that, give the villagers pants! are we fukkn disney or why do they only get to wear shirts and no pants)

And the museum has more stuff to donate to? Like, flowers and vegetables or stuff? Idk, just add a new npc that has you collect all kinds of flora and donate (also, rewards for donating!! my monkey-brain needs a REASON to donate and collect stuff. Stardew, it’s the rewards, Cozy Grove, it’s the rewards....) And you get a little garden or green-house and can plant stuff there, and not just flowers but vegetables, and when they’re grown you can donate the plant itself and a once-dead botanic area turns all green!!

aND TOPIC NPCS

Give me some new npcs to love!! Like- maybe give Melinda an assistant? Like, a bat or some other nocturnal animal??? And while Melinda has the day-shifts as your assistant, the Bat has the night-shifts so you can still do mayor-stuff at night and Melinda gets to have a break every once in a while. And Celeste will help Blathers in the museum again to bring back the stargazing-feature from CIty Folk??

And Timmy and Tommy are now teenagers that run Nook’s Cranny? Like- they’re more relaxed and chill now and don’t chase you around the store anymore, just stand there behind the register looking tired as ever. Maybe even give them little ear-piercings to show they’re rebels now, rip. And they’ll refer to Tom Nook as “Pops” or “Old Man”, and tell some stuff about their childhood when you just talk to them. And one of them could work at Redd’s on the weekend (also Redd, plz give him his own store that opens every weekend).... and Nook can be seen in his store every once in a while. They don’t admit it but Redd and Nook are now in couples’ therapy (Timmy and Tommy forced them and will reference it sometimes)

And pleeeease, give Timmy and Tommy some freetime. Like- Nook runs the store until 12pm until they take over and run it until closing. And on days where the shop is closed they can be seen walking around town and hanging out with the villagers.

And some cutscenes please T__T Like, only for the NPCs on holiday or so, but then you’d get to see Celeste and Blathers sitting in the park to stargaze whenever there’s a meteor-shower, or Melinda, your Player and her assistant sharing some hot cocoa on christmas, the Nooklings wishing Nook a happy father’s day, Nook and Redd going out on Valentine’s day.... Halloween has them all dress up, the Nooklings try to prank you while Nook takes over the store for the day... the Sable-sisters close their shop to go out and show off their handmade costumes.

The villagers already had hobbies in ACNH, like reading and nature or something.... but how about they reference these hobbies, and do stuff thats connected to that, other than staring at flowers and sitting under trees. Like, have them say how they went to their book-club in the next town and how they hate the long drive per train and then they ask you to fix up the library so that the town can have its own book-club? Or sporty villagers will talk about how they went swimming or jogging and got hurt because the old paths are all fucked and there’s no good way to enter/exit the lake, so they ask you to renovate the paths and build a little dock? Idk man, just- give them more personality! SOmething that makes me want to talk to them, not just so I can cross off ‘talking to villagers’ on my to-do-list

idk, a dump where an opposum lives and that teaches you diy-recipes. but instead of giving you cards you get a little clip of the oppossum and your player working at a diy-bench and if you know it already it offers to teach you something new until you learned everything, then it just sends you rare materials in the mail like “hey, thought you’d like this!”

this is all a dream, nintendo cant even give us the cafè, rip.

#acnh #animal crossing #fangame #rambling #dump #idea dump #ac

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ask-the-crimson-king · 4 years

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Tales from D&D: The Campfire Song Song

[It is I, your friendly neighborhood Hermit back with another tale from D&D. And this one is... Certainly a saga. LONG POST AHOY.

IT IS ONCE AGAIN FROM MY CURSE OF STRAHD CAMPAIGN! The characters, in brief, are:

AETERNUS -- Goliath wild soul barbarian, played more like a golem than a goliath. Stoic, remembers almost nothing of his past. ARAZEL -- Blood angel (aasimar x tiefling hybrid) bard, has a patron because he used to be a Warlock and the player wanted to keep the patron. Very much a Bard. Has tamed a fucking dire wolf who is now named Boris. He is a good boy. LEON -- Human time domain cleric, worships a god of time called Tempus. Old retired soldier sent out into the world because his god has plans for him. CALEB -- Vampire desperado gunslinger, a vampire hunter who wants revenge against the creatures who turned him and killed his family.

In the last session, the players had made it to the Old Bonegrinder and met the three hags living there. Thanks to a Fifth Nat 1, the hags became hostile because Arazel mentioned how he had a pet dire wolf and the hags thought he was sent by Strahd.

I told them at the beginning of this one, “If you can talk your way out of this encounter, I’ll let you level up right now instead of waiting for Friday.”

What the fuck happens right after I say that?

Arazel fucking crits on persuasion and the party is now LEVEL FOUR! HURRAY!

Caleb is dealing with the two sisters upstairs, his gun is mentioned, and then Arazel’s player says, and I quote,

Arazel had also purchased a pastry, and Aeternus ends up charging upstairs and Arazel turns to him and says, "Hey Pebbles, eat this okay?" Aeternus made the con save, so instead of having weird dream visions, he instead felt this weird sense of nostalgia that he cant place his finger on. Seeing the cakes were safe, the rest of the party all pay for a cake themselves and they all. fail. the save.

So they get to fall into a pleasant, dreamlike state, for 1d4+4 hours... and OF COURSE I roll a 4. So eight hours of them being in this trance. Arazel, Leon, and Caleb, all conked the hell out. Which meant Aeternus was alone with this Night Hag who was now cackling.

And so he asked the witch what was in the cakes, and she simply said “some very rare and exotic ingredients. it is an acquired taste.” aeternus then took many hints, scooped everyone up, and left with Ismark (Kolyana and Ireena were waiting outside in a cart, not trusting that place one bit, but Ismark went in to help guard the party and keep an eye on Caleb.)

They run back to the cart and Kolyana is asking what happened. Aeternus explains the situation with the cakes, and Kolyana then facepalms. He says,

"You didn't eat any, did you?" "I did, why?" "Those are dream cakes. they're popular in Vallaki -- you'll see why." "I do not dream." "Everyone dreams, my boy. daydreams, plans for the future, or-" "I have nothing to dream about." The cart goes quiet before Ismark speaks up. "What do you mean?" Aeternus then says, "I remember nothing but war from my past." "A miserable existence, then." "Heh, makes you sound like a barovian," Kolyana says with a snicker. "We're all miserable bastards."

More silence.

"You really don't remember anything?" Ismark then asks. "Nothing but war." Aeternus shakes his head. "How old are you?" "... I do not know. I have been wandering for some time, but I know I am quite old." "I don’t remember any wars in our recent history. You don’t seem to be old enough for any of those." "Definitely not," Kolyana agrees. The cart is silent, and Aeternus goes quiet.

Hours pass, and the cart is pulled off to the side of the road. Ireena and Valerie, a Vistana woman they had met, (who owned the cart), go off to build a fire, while the rest stay back in order to wait for the others to come out of their trances.

When they do awaken, the world is darker. More grim, more miserable. The mists seem to cling to them, and they long to be back in their dreams.

Arazel awakes with a start, drawing out his magic string and wrapping it around Leon's neck while a thin knife hovers at Caleb's throat. Kolyana, Ismark, and Aeternus all stand to try and apprehend him as he asks, "What the HELL happened to me?" "You were dreaming," Aeternus tells him. "We didn’t do anything to you." "Put the weapons away, you're around friends here," Ismark says, his sword half out of its sheath. Slowly, Arazel backs down, checking his wings to see if any feathers are out of place. Boris looks up at him expectantly, and Arazel takes him to the fire as the rest of the party files out of the cart.

They all go and head down to the fireplace, and enjoy a nice thick stew. Some of the vegetables are freshly picked from the lands around them, although they are thick mountain-dwelling plants. They are a bit higher up in elevation, though more surrounded by foothills instead of mountains.

They enjoy their dinner and Kolyana asks them what they saw in their visions. Leon goes first, recalling his home. recalling the people he loved, the community fostered, everything. It felt warm. It felt safe. But that wasn't here anymore. Kolyana gave him a small reassuring pat on the shoulder before Arazel spoke up.

"I saw my mother." "Your mother?" Aeternus asks. "Okay, well, here's the thing. My mother was this holy angel, and my father was a damned and hated tiefling. And my father kinda dipped on me when i was younger. My mother served a very holy god who didn't want to be sullied with such a sinful abomination," he then gestures to himself, "and so my mum had to leave me." "Wait, wait, your mom left you because her god said so?" Caleb asks. "Well yeah but I mean I get it. if she didn't then she would've lost her powers, and-" "That’s pretty selfish of her." Caleb shrugs. "sorry, man." "Not really. I’m sure any parent would do that." "I can tell you, as a father myself, I would never do that to my children. No matter who the god was. I'm sorry you had to go through that," Kolyana tells him, giving Arazel a meaningful look.

“And what about you, vampire?” the old man asks. “What did you see?”

"I saw my home. I saw the old homestead. I saw my parents, and my siblings. It was nice." Before Kolyana responds, a conspiracy of ravens descends from the sky. one lands on each of Aeternus' shoulders, cawing. The three Barovians all gasp.

"What fantastic luck," Kolyana mutters. Arazel is tempted to have Boris pounce on them, but Kolyana quickly says "DO NOT ATTACK THEM! That would bring nothing but doom and misfortune. Ravens are symbols of good luck, not evil. At least not here."

Arazel shrugs, and tosses a piece of his stew at them. They caw and hop off the giant's shoulders, peck at the food, then flutter off into the night. The party all decides to settle in for the night, and this comes my FAVORITE fucking part of the session;

Dream Chats with Strahd!

(Yes I’m bending the lore a bit but it’s for the rule of cool okay)

I bring each of the players into the Special Corner (Discord call, we have a D&D voice chat and then Special Corner for 1-on-1 with the DM) one by one.

First in was Arazel.

Arazel feels the presence of his patron. He feels a warm, golden glow about him, even if he cannot visualize Sanguinius himself. He soon finds himself within a hall. It seems to be that of a cathedral. Polished stone, nearly gleaming, is under his feet. But everything feels... a bit fuzzed out. Just barely out of focus. He sees a lectern at the end of this great hall, with, what 40k fans would recognize, as the BA symbol, inscribed into it.

And then he hears a very familiar voice, and sees a very familiar figure walk out from behind a pillar.

Familiar dark clothing, familiar face, familiar dark eyes.

It is Strahd von Zarovich, and he has come for a chat.

And he doesnt greet arazel with hostility. He says that he is impressed with this place of worship, and that he knows very little about Arazel’s patron. But he would love to learn more about him, and about Arazel himself. Arazel asks “why are you here?”

Strahd takes a sip from his glass before he says, “You and your compatriots all fascinate me. So I want to learn just a little more about you. How you think, what your morality is." He shrugs, and then explains that he does not have too much time to speak. An invitation will be given -- soon, though he does not know when -- and tells him it is within Arazel’s best interests to accept it. He wants to be able to have an open, honest chat with him and his friends.

He also asks that he does not discuss this meeting with anyone. A measure of trust. Arazel agrees, and Strahd disappears.

Next up, Caleb.

Caleb is dreaming of his homestead. He feels grass beneath his feet, but none of his family is here. Everything around him feels fuzzy, blurry. The only crisp image is of the homestead itself. Strahd appears to him as well, coming out of the homestead, and says similar things to what he told Arazel, namely the reason for his arrival and his interest in him and his friends. However, he also remarks on how similar the two of them are, referring to their shared vampiric nature. Caleb says,

"Actually we're probably very different. I think we became who we are through very different ways."

Strahd agrees, but he offers a solution to Caleb's little bloodthirst-issue, (which luckily has been able to be curbed thanks to Leon being generous), and potentially knowledge about his abilities. Caleb recently gained the ability to be able to shift into bat form, and he thinks he may have other skills locked away.

An invitation is mentioned, along with the same condition. He cannot tell anyone of this meeting.

Caleb, begrudgingly, agrees. Strahd vanishes once more. Interestingly, Strahd does not mention how one of Caleb’s current goals is to go into van Richten’s tower to find the old hunter in order to find a way to kill Strahd.

But we’ll get to that.

Then we go to Leon.

Leon appears within an old library. The books around him are nothing more than vague shapes, and there is a musty smell from the bookshelves. Ahead of him is a strange device, a piece of machinery made of many different concentric rings, which he realizes must represent the different planes of reality. It slowly moves, casting around shadows as an unknown light source dances around the room. This is a representation of how Tempus views reality and its many potential timelines, he realizes. Just a very, very simple model, but it resembles the one from his own church.

Enter Strahd, a warm smile on his face.

“I’ve been waiting to speak with you for some time. You and I have much to discuss.”

Leon asks why he is here, and Strahd explains what he had told Caleb and Arazel -- though he also adds he wants to learn a little more about him, here and now. He wants to also extend the offer for Leon to learn more about Strahd himself in a sort of private talk, and expresses interest in learning more about Tempus and Leon's nature and relationship. He asks Leon to tell him a few things, and Leon agrees to tell him a bit about his past -- his life as a soldier, the village he had settled within, how he found Tempus, that sort of stuff.

Then Leon cuts right to the point, saying, "Why are you really asking me this? I don’t like to associate with bad people."

"Well I wouldn’t call myself bad. I have made my mistakes, and I am no saint, but I’m not a horrible person." Strahd shrugs. "I ask because I’m fascinated by you. By all of you, honestly. You're quite the interesting little crew."

He mentions the invitation, but also gives a different message.

"I know Caleb is going to be going to van Richten's tower. I want you to stay behind in Vallaki when he does. I will send my invitation then. Our conversation will be a little more... private, for lack of a better term, then the one I shall have with all of you."

He gives the same terms -- that Leon cannot tell anyone of this meeting -- which Leon agrees to, and Strahd disappears once more.

Last but not least...

Aeternus.

Aeternus doesn't dream, but his mind does come to a daydreaming-state. He comes to one of the few scenes he remembers. A field, with the rubble of a broken house nearby. Nothing else is clear, or even blurred. It feels like he’s standing on the edge of a vast void.

Strahd appears once more, commenting on how grim this place was. Aeternus is on edge at the appearance of the vampire, but simply replies, "this is all I can remember."

"Oh, I know. All you remember is warfare. But even then, of no clear battle. Just fragments of death and misery. A shame, really." Strahd sighs. "I know of a way for you to begin remembering all you had lost. My libraries may hold some of the answers you seek, as do I."

Aeternus is quiet. Before he speaks, strahd smiles.

"Petting that wolf made you remember something, didn't it? And the cake you ate? You remember something about a raven, too."

Aeternus is caught way off guard. Strahd has, somehow (rule of cool and plot reasons) gotten into his head. He goes on guard, but Strahd puts his hands up.

"I can offer answers. I will be sending an invitation, soon. I do not know when. But I need to be able to trust you. Tell no one of this encounter."

"How can i be able to trust you?" Aeternus responds with a grunt. One hand is on his axe. Strahd chuckles. "Caleb wants to go to van Richten's tower. Go with him. There is something waiting for you there."

And then he disappears, and that is where the session ended.

#very long post #sorry about that #D&D stories #tales from D&D #moonclaws dm bullshit #i need to come up with a D&D tag #D&D

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theharlequinwriter · 6 years

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Guided Arrow ..........part 1

Summary : Being Thea’s twin sister and also part of team arrow when you wake up in the another universe alone and no way home.

warnings : Swear words and PTSD

word count : 2,402

Before I knew it Barry was reaching for my hand and we were falling down a building and then well I don’t really know all I saw was white and when I woke up I was one the side of the road soaking wet and clearly not in star city anymore.

‘’Ollie!!......Speedy......BARRY!!!!.’’

No one answered.

‘’what the fuck happened?’’

Pulling my hood back I put my mask in my pocket and threw my bow over my back and started to walk sticking my thumb out every other foot. Finally reaching a nearby diner I asked for a booth and a cup of coffee while I pulled out all my gadgets trying to find Felicity’s or Barry's voice trying to find me.

‘’you look like you’re lost’’

Darting my head up I saw a man with blue eyes, black hair and oddly a trench coat.

‘’you can say I am in a way.’’

I winked at him as his very handsome friends walked over.

‘’Cas what the hell are you doing?’’

‘’Talking to miss.... I’m sorry I didn’t get your name.’’

‘’y/n Queen’’

‘Names Sam and Dean Winchester’’

The taller one with the long hair stuck out his hand towards me, grabbing his hand I could feel the caclus on his palm from oddly enough....a gun.

‘’So, Cas said you’re lost?’’

Dean asked as he shuffled into my booth.... uninvited.

‘’Yeah, I guess, the last thing I remember is reaching for flash.......my friends hand as I fell then everything went black. I woke up on the side of the road and made my way here.’’

‘’Well we can help you find your way back if you like.’

‘’YES, thank you.’’

Walking outside dean helped me into the car and we were off to their house or what they called their bunker. Once inside i made my way to their version of the quiver. Setting my arrows and hood on the couch began to scan their place. Clearly they really are brothers, not sure on Cas thou.. Possibly dean's boyfriend? not by the way dean watched my ass get into the car. Walking around I found their library full of supernatural information.

‘Where were you guys when darhk was around?’’

Dean came into the room with 4 beers. Handing one to me as Sam sat down and opened his laptop.

‘’So, let's start with your hometown or where you were last.’’

‘’Star city.’’

I watched as Sam typed it into his keyboard and his eyes going wide.

‘’uhm y/n that city doesn’t exist at least not that google knows.’’

‘'w-W-W WHAT DO YOU MEAN DOESN’T EXSIT I WAS JUST THERE!!!’’

‘’Google says nothing found for a Star city.’’

‘’MY WHOLE LIFE IS THERE, MY BROTHER, MY TWIN SISTER, MY NEPHEW! MY BESTFRIENDS MY FAMILY GOD DAMN IT!!!��’

I threw the beer onto the floor.

‘’’listen y/n lets google your family maybe they will come up, you did say your sister in law was a hacker maybe she's hiding the results.’’

‘Okay my Sibling are Oliver and Thea Queen, my best friend is Iris West Allen, Her husband is Barry Allen.’’

Dean looked up at me

‘’You're Brother and best friend are named after comic books?’’

‘NO?’’

Sam ran to the other room carrying back a few plastic covered comic books with the titles. GREEN ARROW and the other THE FLASH. I felt my head going dizzy and everything went black. When i came too I was lying on a couch, I could hear Sam and dean talking.

‘’Maybe she escaped the looney bin.’’

‘’maybe she hit her head harder than she thought.’’

‘’OR THE HOT CHICK IS CRAZY!’’

I made a coughing noise as I walked into the room.

‘Come sit, I'm going to blow your minds.’

We all headed in the war room and sat down.

‘’So, my name is Y/n Queen, my brother is Oliver Queen and Yes he is the Green Arrow, My sister and I are quickdraw and speedy. My Best friend is the wife of the flash, we discovered other worlds or dimensions a long time ago. I'm guessing that’s where I am in a world where I'm nothing more than words on a page.’’

Both Winchesters sat there with their mouths gaping.

‘’So, you're like a real super hero?’’

‘’I guess so, Ollie more is than me, I'm just backup.’’

‘And how did you get here?’’

‘Cisco must have breached me right as I grabbed Barry sending me flying through a breach, although this would be a far new distance for him....I'm happy i made it.’’

‘’Breach?’’

‘’’Rips or portals into other worlds.’’

‘’I need some air.’’

Dean stepped out of the room leaving me, Sam and Cas alone.

‘So, are their angels in your world?’

‘’not that im aware of cas , We have the league of shadows . My brother married their leader, We do have magic buts its really bad.’’

‘’Magics bad here too but more of like hocus pocus and hexes.’’

‘’so, no vigilantes?’’

‘’Not that I know of, I mean we are hunters if that counts.’’

‘’it’ll do.’’

Sam smiled as dean walked into the room.

‘’can i shoot an arrow?’’

‘’Sure dean.’’

We went outside where I let dean have 2 arrows to shoot, he missed both times. Taking my aim, I shot to perfect straight into the apple Sam had placed on the car.

‘’How did you learn to do that?’’

‘’My brother, after slade …. I mean Death Stroke killed my mom, Ollie never wanted me and Thea to be unsafe again and after i busted him on being arrow and dig being spartan....Sorry Dig is my brothers right hand man. He welcomed me to the team as quickdraw due to the fact im a quick shot.’’

‘’wow.... you been through it.’’

‘’ oh, I got stories that would make your mind implode. Ive met a alien well a kryptonian .’’

‘’YOU FUCKIN MET SUPERMAN!!!!’

Dean was shouting now

‘’Well yeah but I meant his cousin Supergirl, she like my pen pal.’’

‘’ So I guess you're staying here till you can get home.’’

‘Thank you, Sam.,’’

Later that night

Laying here in this strange bed in a whole other world completely alone.... alone, the one thing I fear was to be alone. I got up and headed for the library at least it has a good book maybe they will have a new series I can love. Stepping into the library I found Sam researching through a bunch of lore.

‘’Is he real?’’

Sam pointed at a comic with a man named Spiderman.

‘’maybe but not in my world or at least hasn’t made himself known.’’

He nodded to the chair next to him. Sliding into it he handed me a piece of candy.

‘’can't sleep?’’

‘’no im on earth 1 time’’

‘Earth 1?’

‘Well since I knew that one first that’s earth 1 , Supergirl is from earth 3 and I making this earth 4.’’

‘’thanks?’’

‘’So What do you like to do for fun here?’’

‘'Don’t really have time , the hunt never stops , I've actually been to hell , met lucifer and god oh and I Lost my soul and met Gods sister and died a thousand times , so has Dean and Cas.’

I could see the pain welling in his eyes, he was tired.

‘’Sounds likes my brother hehe Hes been through it for 5 years I thought he was dead and then poof he wasn’t, but he wasn’t ollie. He had scars and tattoo, spoke Russian and was very odd. He ended up letting his anger go and now we are happy again even for a moment, But your right lives like ours it only ends in death.’’

Sam laughed as he handed me a beer from the mini frige.

‘’Thats why we gotta go down swinging.’’

‘’Cheers to that.’

Tinking the beers together we continued to exchanged stories and advice. Sam made me feel safe like my life wasn't guns and masks and his wasn’t demons and vampires.

‘’Hi sam , Whose this.... she isnt from here.’’

I screamed as a young man with blonde air appeared out of nowhere.

‘’ y/ n this is jack.....lucifer's son.’’

‘’HOLY SHIT....i mean hi, im sorry im not used to people appearing like that unless they plan to kill me.’’

‘’I think its my fault you’re here.’'

‘’Jack what do you mean its your fault?’’

Before he answered he was gone.

‘’he does this when he is upset and feels guilty, he runs.’’

‘’poor guy.’’

‘Well he is only 5 months old.’’

‘’yeah well …..wait what?’’

‘’he aged in order to survive.’’

‘’oh...so are you completely human?’’

‘’yeah I mgiht be missing a bit of my soul here and there.’’

Sam smiled at his own remark, we headed into the library to research anything on other worlds. 3 hours and 5 cups of coffee each later neither Sam or I found anything besides that I may be stuck here forever. Sam already promised I have a home with them here and I will never be alone as long as hes around. I couldn’t help but notice how warm and safe I feel around him.

I woke up to the feeling of someone breathing, as I opened my eyes I found myself on sams chest cluctching a book on demi gods while sam had one arm wrapped around me and they other on a book on greek gods. We must of fallen asleep on the couch studying , he looks so happy when hes asleep like he isnt living a hard life everyday. Before I could take in anymore of the moment dean came busting into the room causing sam to jump shoving me to the floor.

‘Jacks back’

We all ran to the den where jack sat on the couch clutching his head in his hands. I walked over placing my hand on his shoulder.

‘are you okay?’’

‘im sorry’’

‘’for what....bringing me here. Ive been through worse trust me.’

He looked at me with his bloodshot eyes and buried his head into my chest hugging me tightly. He was still sobbing but at least now he knew I didn’t blame him.

‘so nothing from jack yet?’’

It has been almost 3 weeks since I arrived here , Cas has been working with jack to see if maybe he can re open the rip to send me home. I offered to ask barry and iris to help jack understand himself better, run some test and see what he can and cant handle. Then there's sam , we have gotten really close since I arrived late night studying and him teaching me how to put up warding's and devils traps. I even promised him id get the anti-possession tattoo once im home. Sitting in the den reading the local paper scanning for any sign of supernatural creatures.

‘hey y’n’’

Sam came into the room handing me a cup of coffee and sitting next to me , smiling at me god I love it when he smiles. Snapping out of my trance I had to nod and try to catch up.

‘so jack thinks if we can find a dream walker we can send you home.’

‘’where do we find one of these dream walkers’’

‘’well that’s the thing we only knew one and shes dead but jack thinks he has a lead on another in ohio, him and dean went to check it out . Cas heard of one in California so he went out that way , that just leaves us.’’

Falling into the chair in the library I picked up a comic with the title green arrow looking at the way they drew my brother.

‘’ollie doesn’t have a beard ‘’

Sam chuckled.

‘’what?’’

‘’just how you call him ollie makes him seem like he isnt in a comic book in our world.’’

‘’this should be so odd to you I mean look what I found.’’

I held up a anime comic named supernatural starring sam and dean.

‘'that was written by god , not by a geek in a basement.’’

‘’ so whats sam / dean?’’

‘’how did you hear about that?’’

‘’im a vigilante , if I want info I get it.’’

‘’its nothing , its gross.’’

‘’so am I in one of these books or do I not matter?’’

‘’they stopped being made after dean went to hell , cas is isnt in them either..... but you matter to me ‘

Looking up sam was starring at me with a small smirk on his lips. Shaking his head I could see him searching the room in a painc.

‘’you said something about food and a movie?’

‘uhh yea set up in the tv room I got burgers and venom’’

About halfway into the movie sam got up to leave the room, wondering what was up I decide to follow him into the kitchen , sam was pacing the room on the phone.

‘’what do you mean she was a phony? , y/n is going to be heart broken.’’

‘’yeah I know dean but I do care for her ...of course id love to be with her........dean she has a family and a life....we weren't ever supposed to meet.’’

He hung up his phone turning towards me.

‘’y/n......uhm’’

Without thought I moved forward crashing my lps into his pulling him closer by is plaid collar , his fands found my hips lifting me onto my tip toes pulling me into him. Taking a step back I looked up at him feeling the blood rush to my face when dean came rushing in.

‘hey robin hood we might need your help.’’

Climbing into the impala we drove to a empty house where three bodies laid on the porch and woman with short hair came forward extending her hand.

‘’names Jody , dean here tells me your one of us.’’

Nodding I looked at dean.

‘why do you need me here?’’

‘’because this guy here says hes from star city’’

Stepping into the door, a man with his hands and feet tied laid on the floor with a bag on his head, reaching out i lifted the bag to revel cold dead eyes and a buzz cut along with the smile of the devil and his body covered in tattoos.

‘’d-d—d—d-d- dia'’

‘’hello y/n , Miss me baby doll ?’’

#Supernatural imagines #supernatural #sam winchester #sammy #winchester #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester imagine #sam winchester oneshot #green arrow #oliver queen #thea queen #speedy #littlebrothersammyimagines

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sabraeal · 7 years

Note

(promptathon) What would have happened if Obi had actually succeeded in taking Shirayuki's hand That One Time.

Fate is a funny little thing isn’t it?

At time it’s a comfort, a knowing; a certainty you wrap around yourself like a blanket. I am meant for more, you say, because you know, you know in some deep place inside you that there is a greatness you can achieve. A greatness you will achieve. All you have to do is walk on this path, never wander, and you will never know worry greater than the depths of your own self-doubt.

(And sometimes that comfort is cold. You lay on a dirt floor, battered and broken, and you say, oh, this cannot be my end, for what is waiting for me is so much worse than this)

At times it is a cage, it is the kudzu. It grows and it grows, vines twisting up your ankles, rooting you to the spot. You do not pull away – it is too much effort to fight against your nature – but the longer you stay the closer it holds you, reaching up, up, until it wraps around your neck and chokes you, until it twines into your mouth, into your lungs, and there is no more breath to scream.

(But sometimes you need to be held still, don’t you? Drop a coin before you cross the street, narrowly miss being trampled underfoot by a carriage. You look onto the cobbles and see a bird crushed under the wheel. That could have been you, baby girl, that could have been you)

And sometimes it is a thread. A red thread, let’s say. A thing that binds. A thing that holds. It does not strangle, it just tangles, becomes complicated at parts and easy at others. A thing you can ignore until it tugs on you saying, this way.

(But that’s the thing is it not? Thread is so fragile; all it takes is a hard tug, all it takes is a blade’s edge, all it takes is a thrown shoe and

just

s n a p s)

When she is quite small, Opa teaches her about the castle in her mind.

How many rooms does it have? she asks, concerned with things a child would be. It’s important that she has her own room, that there might be another for her dolls, and another still for Opa and Oma.

As many as you need, he tells her, taking her hand in his wrinkled, spotted one. And within them, only the decorations your choose to keep.

They spend an afternoon talking about how her castle must be made, hallways and hangings and busts – things to remember places and birthdays and names. When she is older she adds a library, a place to store all the things she learns about outside the city, outside the streets and people she knows; when she is yet older still she adds a greenhouse, each plant meticulously labeled with its name and medicinal properties.

When she flees Tanbarun, she mourns losing her home, but not for long. Everything worth having she has brought with her, locked deep within the palace in her mind. Not even a first prince can breech these walls, can take what is inside.

But it is a second prince that sets it into disarray.

When she closes her eyes, paintings are hung askew, books are thrown from their shelves, plants are overturned. It can all be fixed, all be set right, but the idea that her castle is not impregnable sets her mind racing, makes her wish she could build walls around her heart as well so that such an incursion cannot happen again.

Shirayuki hardly feels the stone beneath her as she walks; she is too busy trying to set her world in order. She had thought she understood her place here, had thought she understood what she wanted from her life here. Her work at the pharmacy challenged her --

No – it fulfilled her. Living in the dorms with the other apprentices had taken a weight off her mind when it came to room and board. She had friends to fill her leisure hours: Kiki for quiet and companionable strolls around the gardens, Mitsuhide always ready with an easy word, Obi for – well, whatever she dreamed up when he happened to pop out of a bush or push his way through a window. And Zen –

She thought Zen had been a part of that too. She hadn’t realized he wanted more.

Next time, I will let you know before I touch you, he had said, a faint smile on his lips. And when I do, you will tell me how you feel.

Her heart flutters frantically in her breast. He wants – no, he needs an answer. And she – she –

Doesn’t have one. How can she, when he’s managed to shake her very foundations with one kiss?

Is that an answer? Love is supposed to be earth-shattering isn’t it? It should make her knees weak, it should make her head light, it should rattle her down to her bones –

But if it does, she doesn’t want it. She likes her neat shelves, her prettily potted plants, her busts on their pedestals. She likes everything being in its place.

Should she tell him no? That she doesn’t want more of…of that? That she wants them to go on being friends, that she doesn’t want more?

She’s not sure that’s true either. This is not the first time he’s touched her, not the first time he’s set her alight, and she doesn’t – she doesn’t want that to stop either. She likes his attention, and she likes the idea of keeping it, of having more of him, but – but –

But is that enough? Or is it just that she likes having any attention?

She shakes her head. Why must this be so difficult? She is a grown woman, she should be able to account for the desires of her own heart. She should just –

Warm leather brushes over her hand, long fingers threading through her own, pressing palms close to kiss. Her steps stutter to a stop as her world focuses down into a single point, and she – she–

There was only Obi behind her, and surely, surely it can’t be him –

She turns on her heel, staring at where their hands join before flicking her gaze back to his face. He blinks slowly, expression as honest as she’s ever seen it, even if it is just dumbstruck.

“Ah-hah,�� he chuckles nervously, rubbing at his neck with his other hand. “Miss. I-I thought you looked like you needed a, ah, hand?”

“I –” What can she even say to that? “Um…thank you?”

It’s strange how comforting his touch is, how it quiets the racing of her mind. She enjoys his company now – a step up from a few weeks ago – but she hadn’t thought of him as – as calming. But now he’s holding her, strangely delicate, and she feels as if she can breathe again, as if the whole of her castle has set itself to rights.

“I just –” For once he seems at a loss. “You’ve seen very…distracted today, Miss.”

An understatement, and he knows it. She hasn’t forgotten the probing of earlier this morning, did he scold you harshly, Miss?

“You don’t need to tell me anything,” he says, eyes wide as the words pour out of him. “But if you – if you ever needed to talk, Miss, I’m –” he looks as if he’d give anything to stem the flow – “I’m all ears.”

She should thank him and leave it at that. She likes him, but she’s not sure if she should trust him; he may be loyal to Zen, but he is far too fond of teasing for her comfort. There’s no guarantee that her words won’t go straight in one of his ears and out his mouth to another.

She’s staring at their hands when she blurts out, “Zen kissed me.”

He clenches so hard she thinks she hears her knuckles pop.

“Ahh, sorry, Miss,” he sighs, cheeks darkening as he loosens his grip. “I just –” His mouth twists. “You’re all right though?”

Shirayuki blinks. “Oh, um, yes.”

“Master didn’t –” She watches as the expression drains from his face, leaving a mild mask. “He didn’t hurt you? Or – force you?”

“Oh, no! Obi!” His earlier meddling makes a heartbreaking amount of sense now. “No, he just – took me by surprise. I didn’t – I didn’t know he felt that way.”

All the tension falls out of him on his next breath. “Ah, good, I…”

He goes very still for a moment, and then he rolls back into his usual languid stance, mouth canting mischievously. “So you liked it then?”

“W-what?” She presses a hand to her cheek and nearly scalds herself. “N-no! I mean, it was pleasant. I just…”

“Oh, Master,” he clucks, shaking his head. “Damned by faint praise. What did he do wrong? Too much tongue? Too little? Was he stiff? Did he –”

“N-no!” He’s pulled her closer to tease, and she tries to put space between her and that glinting amber of his gaze. “I just – he just –” She huffs out a breath. “He wants me to tell him how I feel.”

“How you – ohh.” He grimaces. She wishes she could tell him she feels the same, but it seems unfair to Zen. “And you –” He hesitates, eyes widening as he takes in her shy posture, her flushed cheeks. “You don’t know?”

“Yes. I mean, no. I mean…” She covers her face with her free hand. “I don’t know. I…think I like him? I must. I-I enjoyed the – the um…”

“Kiss?” he offers, so innocent.

“Yes, that.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know. I just – I like being with him, but…but…”

The dam breaks.

“I’ve only been here a few months,” she admits, though it hurts her to say. “I don’t know whether I like him or the possibility of him. He’s a good friend, and I find myself wanting to be near him, but I’m not sure if it’s that I-I want more, or that I just – just –”

“That you just like having someone to pay attention to you?” She doesn’t know how he says so casually, like there’s nothing wrong with the idea at all, like it doesn’t make her terrible.

“Yes.” Her eyes burn. “I just – I was happy with what I had. I still am. I don’t know if I want more. But I also don’t know that I don’t, and if I say no now, does that mean we could never…?” She shakes her head, staring down at her toes of her boots. “I don’t have any answers for myself, let alone for him.”

“Miss.” Obi tugs at her hand, and she peers up at him, surprised to see how open his face is, how earnest. “If Master really cares for you, he’ll understand if you say you need time.”

He squeezes her hand, gently this time. “You don’t need to have answers on anyone’s time but your own, Miss.”

She blinks. “Obi –”

A horse whinnies, so close, and Obi drops her hand as if it burns.

“Obi! Shirayuki!”

“Master!” he calls out, too loud, smile too wide, and she wonders what it is he feels like he has to hide. “You all returned so quickly!”

“No?” Zen stares at him quizzically as he reins up just behind them. “We’re late. Mitsuhide’s horse threw a shoe.” His gaze passes over the both of them. “What are you two doing out here?”

Obi grimaces. “Ah –”

“Zen.” Shirayuki steps out in front of him. “Do you have time to talk?”

#infinitelystrangemachinex #obiyuki #100 days of obiyuki (and more)#my fic #ans #shirayuki tells him that she needs more time #if i went more off of this point #i think i'd have it that without feeling promised to shirayuki #zen humors izana with the marriage meetings #since it's hard to say no #on the grounds that a common girl may be interested in you #one day #i think shirayuki would realize she's interested #but probably not in that life #but izana still has to deal with raj #but maybe with shirayuki not being zen's 'lover'#kazuki doesn't think he needs to kidnap her?#and tanbarun arc goes differently #i dunno

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mamonthemoon · 5 years

Text

So about the 5 of CUPS. I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things. I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone. It is SO great to have a computer again. I am blessed, I am thankful. I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy. Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night. Not like the others. A good thing. She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself. Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen. So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush. I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong. I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people. I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year. I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved. In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here. Ayla is the only reason I love. It is true. I never loved before her. I never loved until I became a mother. And I loved everyone with that love, too. Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN. Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it. It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace. She is everything. She is my teacher. She is SO beautiful. And I cant stand to see her cry without crying. That image is burned in my brain. I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well. I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home. I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY. I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me. I have been unable to attain a living situation. And it is SO frustrating. I believe things can get better. I believe in me. I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition. I have been working very hard to be strong. I have worked very hard to be sober. Worked to be creative. Worked to be spiritually sound. Worked to have greater understanding. And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc. It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay. I am happy. I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect. I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure. I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently. Im used to it!!!!!! I accept it. My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway. The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard. Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake. I feel awful after I eat. I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again. I hate eating. Yet, Im always hungry now it seems. My weight is 115. Im on track, perfect weight. Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan. Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something. Ill have to check. The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”. It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive. So happy inside. I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla. So forgiveness is there. I needed THEIR love. Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey. No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad. But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani. I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her. She is truly ahead of her time. I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter. Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani. It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money. What I can do, is be there for them in other ways. In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too. And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically. I have to reiterate that. She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her. I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me. I have struggled with the selfishness of that. I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him. IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing. The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke. I am still struggling. Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down. Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey. Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally. I know this. Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge. Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen. Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect. That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote. I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away. It must make it off the page and into something shareable. I write too much to keep throwing it away. It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it. Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing. it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled. I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up. but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else. I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad. Its really simple when you realize. You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really. I still do it. I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for. I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader... i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.

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