#cas trying to give dean answers but being prevented by his superiors

[lucyghoul]

“you can’t ask me to do this cas, not this…”

[norahastuff]

Hello. What are your thoughts about S12 of SPN? Did you like what the show did for Destiel and what about Mary's arc? i'd love to hear your thoughts!

Oh anon, so many thoughts - be careful what you ask for!

Season 12 is one of my favourite seasons of the show, mostly because of the in depth focus of the characters’ emotional states - especially Cas and Mary. I mean sure you could say the Men of Letters weren’t exactly formidable villains,  but I think that was kind of the point. Like Sam snarks at Lady Toni Bevell when she tries to threaten him with torture, he’s been tortured by the devil himself - what was she going to do to him?  After dealing with many seasons of escalating threats that culminated in them confronting God and Amara, they couldn’t exactly raise the stakes any higher plotwise, so they went lower. 

They created this human threat and instead put the focus on what the characters were going through. This gets kind of long, so I’ll break it down into 3 parts. I’ll talk about Cas and his story in this answer, and then I’ll make another couple of posts about Mary and then Dean and Cas. 

1. Cas and his state of mind

2. Mary

3. Dean and Cas

1. Cas

After everything that went on during s11 with Cas and Lucifer and God, I did kind of think that the show might forget about what it was that led to Cas saying yes to Lucifer in the first place. I needn’t have worried. Dabb’s always been interested in exploring Cas’ mental state, going all the way back to 8x08 when Dean and Cas talked about the effect the whole Godstiel/Leviathan mess had on Cas. 

“I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

 It was jarring because it was the most direct Cas had ever gotten about his depression. He’d talked about it before but never quite so matter of factly. Dabb also wrote the episode in which Cas said yes to Lucifer, a decision he came to after feeling worthless and unneeded by everyone and everything. Ambriel told him the how little the angels thought of him. In the past that may have been because he was a traitor and a rebel. They may have hated him but they feared him, even felt a twisted kind of reverence towards him. Not anymore. Now what did they think of him?

Castiel: I never wanted this, you know. To be hated by my own kind, I never…

Ambriel: Oh no, I don’t hate you, Castiel.

Castiel: Thank you.

Ambriel: I mean, we have a lot in common. Our names rhyme, that’s a big one. I look good in a trench coat too, and we’re both expendable.

Castiel: Excuse me?

Ambriel: Well, that’s why we’re here, right? I’m a number cruncher and you… like I said, I’ve heard the stories. You help. But Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes. So, if the Darkness is still alive and she’s pissed… and she kills us… no big loss. So sure, maybe we’re not super important, but we do the job. You know… I think there’s nobility in that.

He wasn’t The Great Castiel anymore. He was the Winchesters’ sidekick. The angel who turned his back on them and gave up an army for Dean Winchester. I think sometimes we underestimate how bad the events of 9x22 were for the angels perception of Cas. Dean broke the rules, rules Cas had put into place, and yet Cas refused to hold him accountable for that. Instead Cas fell at his feet, at least in their eyes.

I mean he was resigned to dying when Amara caught him….and yet what does she tell him? “Blue eyes, you’re not even worth the effort” “You look a bit used up.” He wasn’t even worthy of being killed by the big bad anymore. Instead she used his body to send a message to the adversaries she actually cared about. That’s all he was good for. 

Ok sorry I spent a lot of time talking about season 11 but that’s because Cas’ story in s12 is a continuation of the same things he was dealing with in s11. His desperate search for a purpose. His fears that he could never do anything right, that he was worthless: unloved and unwanted. As soon as he helped get Sam back, he got up and left again. Sure, part of that was because he needed to go find Lucifer, but like Sam and Dean tell him, he didn’t have to do that alone. 

I think it’s telling that his decision to leave comes on the heels of his late night conversation with Mary where he confesses that he still doesn’t feel like he belongs with them. So he leaves, and tries to make himself useful and Cas being Cas, he decides to do that as Agent Beyonce which results in an absolutely glorious partnership with Crowley. Honestly, as much as Cas hated Crowley, I think their little adventure was good for him - at least for a little while. I mean it gave Cas an excuse to feel superior (something he wasn’t getting a lot of at that point) and to show contempt towards someone - something he is so very good at: see also Ketch, Sergei.

But it’s easy to see how precarious Cas’ sense of self worth was. The second something goes wrong, in this case when Sam and Dean get arrested and he can’t find them, he completely falls apart. He internalises what Ambriel and Amara said to him about how useless he was, and that coupled with his own crippling insecurities, as well as Mary lashing out and blaming him for letting them get taken (she didn’t mean it really, she was more angry at herself than anything) he convinces himself that they were all right. He is worthless and he can’t do anything right. Cas didn’t fail to stop the vampire he tried to hunt down because he lacked the skills, or because he needed Sam and Dean. No, it was because he was so convinced that he was worthless and useless, it became a self fulfilling prophecy. 

The look of relief, the crack of his voice when he hears Dean on the phone after he’d essentially given up hope. The look on his face when he finds Sam and Dean, a look that stops them in their tracks, not to mention the wordless exchange in the backseat of the car after Cas meets Dean’s eyes and realises that something’s not quite right. Try then to tell me that Ambriel’s words (or at least the same sentiments) are not running through his head when he learns that one of the Winchesters will have to sacrifice themselves.

Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes.

You’re expendable.

If she kills you, it’s no big loss. 

It’s not much of a surprise that he makes the decision he makes. 

I also find Ishim’s conversations with Cas very interesting. I’ll talk about that some more in the Dean and Cas post, but in particular this exchange:

I used to envy you, Castiel. You believe that? You survived Hell. You were chosen by God. But now look at you. You’re just sad and pathetically weak. So now… I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own -by cutting it out. 

Once again this is confirmation of what the angels think of him. He’s not a figure to be feared anymore, rather an object of pity. Unsurprisingly, they all blame Dean for that. They see Cas’ love and devotion for Dean as his weakness. From the very beginning Cas has been told that getting close to Dean would lead to his downfall. Heaven, hell and everyone in between warned him, over and over again. 

Interestingly Cas sees it differently. He agrees that he’s weak and powerless but he doesn’t blame his love for Sam and Dean for that. So much so that on his deathbed, he even thanks them for changing his life, for changing him. 

But he survives. Crowley (much to Cas’ chagrin I’m sure) saved his life. And ultimately nothing has changed. He still needs to feel useful, he’s still desperate to find any sense of purpose - and so he finds one. Eliminate the Nephilim. Not only is that a clear instruction, a plan he can carry out, but if he manages to do that, he’ll also be preventing Sam and Dean from having to do something truly unsavoury. That checks all the boxes on Cas’ wishlist.

But Cas is missing something. He’s not seeing how much Dean is struggling with him gone, and how desperate he is for Cas to come back. He just wants a win, and unfortunately, he’s looking for it in all the wrong places. He doesn’t have a clear idea of his importance and role in the Winchesters’ lives, Dean’s in particular. When he steals the Colt and tries to face Dagon alone, he tells them he was trying to protect them, only for Dean to hit back with “You’re not our babysitter Cas” and from Cas’ face, you can see he clearly doesn’t agree. He once admitted he saw himself as the Winchesters’ guardian, and part of him still feels that that’s the only role he can play in their family - even though that’s not at all how Sam and Dean feel about him anymore.

Cas is lost. Completely and utterly unsure of his place in the world. Kelly takes the wheel and he could stop her if he wanted to - but what else would he do? It’s easier to just follow someone else’s plan, no matter how nebulous and uncertain it may be. 

And then something happens. The Nephilim’s power flows through him and Cas feels strong. He feels focused and like he has a purpose again. A part to play in making the world better. He has something he hasn’t had in a very long time - he has faith. But you see the problem still hasn’t been solved, he may have faith now, but he still doesn’t have any faith in himself. He doesn’t see his value outside of being a tool, an instrument, existing only to be of service to the bigger players. 

I think season 12 did a really great job in highlighting the dichotomy in Cas’ motivations that we’ve been seeing for a while now. He wants to be of service, he needs a purpose to feel like he has a place in this world, but it’s not a desire that’s based on unfeeling duty anymore. 

Cas feels things so very strongly and yet he’s still acutely aware that he’s not human - something season 14 (particularly 14x14) spent time exploring. Season 15 too actually. He wants to belong. He wants to be wanted, to be loved. He wants a home.

And yet…he also knows (or thinks he knows) what it is he actually has to do. Remember s9 and the extended focus on “I did what I had to do.” When Dean asked Cas back then if he was ok with giving up his human life to become an angel again, Cas’ response was essentially that it didn’t matter - he did what he had to do. 

Cas wants to feel loved, valued, cherished but yet he also thinks his role in this last big fight against God is to sacrifice himself so that the chosen players, namely Sam, Dean, Jack can have a better chance. Not only is this a consistent trait in Cas that we can follow all the way back, but I’m just so in awe that they actually spent so much time in s12 actually exploring Cas’ state of mind and what drives him to feel this way. It’s just very narratively satisfying.

Ok yeah this is long so I’ll post the other parts in separate posts soon, because there’s a lot to say in those too.