#catastrophically bad levels of autism as always

[overwhelmed-frog]

as soon as I’m able to speak to other human beings without turning bright red, sweating literal buckets, and getting heart palpitations it’s over for you bitches

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

thought about only talk about this on private but too big emotion impulse control not working (not that it ever do) n aware this bitter unfair extreme binary dichotomy exaggerate “catastrophizing” or whatever but 👍 right now don’t care. yea autism ugly trauma for be ignored abused in community ugly

seeing two group people on that post about LSN level 1 (etc) autistics that escaped containment

1. those who regulars on our (general our, HrSN / level 2&3 / severe / nonverbal / comorbid ID / whatever language we use describe self) blog who interact reblog listen ally who hyper anxious about them speak over us that they forget they allow exist too allow say struggle too without disclaimer about them “be LSN/level 1/etc n so not nearly as bad/can never understand”. aka who post was about. it okay you can exist as self can relax can take up space

2. those who probably never reblogged stayed followed intentionally listened on purpose try learn more about us beyond occasional reblog on their dash, maybe this first time ever see someone like me. maybe this first time they ever reblog from someone like us n it post validating them. or only time ever talk about people like us is to talk about how they always be compared to us n people who invalidate them use us invalidate them (which sucks but if this the literal only time you remember we exist. come on). never listened to A WORD by us unless we used as this mythical group (that only exist in concept not actual humans around them) that can be used for their argument speak for us by speak over us. n cannot bear thing not about them n selective cherry pick post. you all need be prescribed very different post

it shows

[wuxiaphoenix]

On Writing: Handicaps

If you give a character a handicap, be consistent. Odds are, a blind character is not going to know the color of the car that hit them. A character who’s lost their sense of smell to Covid may think they’ve run into fog, until their eyes start stinging and they hear the crackle of flames. A lame character is not going to be running from zombies - or if they are, they’re going to pay for it later, in extreme pain at the very least. No amount of Heroic Willpower gets you past muscles and tendons shredded and gone. The body is a physical thing, and has physical limits.

The same goes for mental handicaps. You can form habits to get around some weak spots. You can find ways to jury-rig some responses and reactions other people take for granted. In some cases there are medicines that can help with faulty brain chemistry. Sometimes.

But if, for example, you’re autistic, not all the will in the world can rev your mirror neurons up to speed so you automatically smile back when someone smiles at you. There’s always that mental hitch of, “What am I supposed to be-? Oh, right. Move the lips, open the eyes more, ow that’s bright....”

Meaning the expression on some level looks calculated and false. And that does an already shaky social situation no good whatsoever.

Yes, I’m mentioning this on purpose. I had to dump a Kindle sample the other day before I walled it. A Regency romance where the heroine is supposed to be, from our modern perspective, autistic; though at the time such a person would have instead been thought of as odd, eccentric, willful, or fey. Fine. But what the author had the character doing, and unable to do, spoke of a lack of research into both autism and Regency society. The combo snapped suspension of disbelief like an elephant trying to bungee-jump.

Things the character is shown as having a problem with: Dancing. Knowing when to speak and what to say to people. Keeping paint off her fingers from her paintings. Sometimes fiddling with a bracelet.

Things she is not shown having any problem with: Lights, sudden noises, crowds, odd food textures, remembering faces....

(Not all autistics are face-blind. But it is very, very common.)

Here’s where what I know about autism and the Regency social game intersects, painfully. The heroine’s mother is a wealthy would-be social climber whose silk merchant husband has a knighthood; an honorable title, but not an inherited one. She wants her daughters to marry well, and that means a lot more than just dressing them in silk and shoving them at the nearest Social Occasion. They need accomplishments. Their jobs as wives are not to merely spend money and look pretty. They have to organize households, hire and fire servants, make social connections, arrange Events, perform at said Events, and know how to both pick good performers and carefully work around the limitations of bad ones, so you never offend your guests. Accidentally, at least.

They need to know about, and if possible be able to do, things like embroider, sing, dance, and yes, paint. Aspiring parents would get their daughters not just manuals on what is the Proper Thing To Say on every occasion (such manuals existed!), but tutors for all of these. One good dance-master would have drilled the heroine in what each dance is, and how to do them by rote. One afternoon with a painting instructor would have covered, wear some work gloves just for painting, so you never stain your dress gloves. These are solvable problems.

Trying to figure out who you need to give the cut direct and who you must flatter when you are very bad with faces and all of them have a new outfit almost every night? That is a potential social catastrophe, and could let a writer get in all kinds of drama and tension as our heroine puts schemes into motion to try and keep track of who’s who and why it matters. It would be a major part of the plot.

...Because in real life, handicaps affect how you have to scramble over hurdles everyone else sails over without even noticing. That’s why they’re called handicaps.

Don’t shortchange your characters’ grit or intelligence. Show the readers how they do it!

[promethia]

There’s a post I’ve seen going around about how this moment is the best time to be alive ever, because of medicine and travel and such, and that history is just full of catastrophe. I’ve tried to maintain some level of self control and just not mention it at all, but it’s like. Extremely telling, the perspective one comes from when they take the stance that THIS is the best time to be alive despite everything bad happening lately. Putting this under a read more because I understand that people are looking for positives and to feel like there’s good in the world — and there is — but I feel that the perspective of the original post is less “there’s a ton of benefits to being alive today” and more “there was never ever a time in history better than there is now for anyone”

Sure, the age expectancy has as a whole gone up and infant mortality and such has gone down on average, but I would gander that you have to be white to fully enjoy those benefits. Black men have a drastically lower life expectancy, not just in America, than that of white men. Indigenous women are facing a huge crisis due to murder and kidnappings — which certainly would not have been occurring without colonialism. Ten years ago, there were fourteen native, fluent speakers of Potawatomi, and now there are far fewer; it is much the same for many indigenous languages. Whole indigenous cultures are struggling to survive all over the world, from the Americas to Africa, because of murder, food shortages, disease, institutionalized poverty, etc. Cow herding cultures in Africa are daily locked out of more and more of their lands, Indigenous Americans are fighting for the right to hunt and to keep their homes from falling into the ocean due to global warming.

In the Middle East, there are still unresolved tensions from the Arab Spring, as Tunisia is considered the only “successful” country to come out of it. With both US involvement and various militant anti-West actors, the proxy war in the Middle East and North Africa has taken millions of lives, and it hasn’t ended. The plight of the Palestinians goes frequently unreported on and unaired in Western media — or if it is aired, always with the view that Palestinians are terrorists. Do not be antisemitic on this post, Judaism is not synonymous with Zionism.

Numerous groups throughout the world, but especially in South and West Asia and Africa, faced genocide and/or devastating civil wars in the past 30 years that the UN did very little to alleviate, and many are still struggling to get “back to normal.” The world is gearing up for another Armenian genocide, Jewish people have been begging the world to take the rise of global fascism and holocaust denial seriously, transgender rights are taking huge steps back in general (even in the past 30 years, not even including the numerous cultures that existed and still do exist in which transgender people and “non-binary” genders were/are honored and celebrated), etc.

Indigenous communities continue to be priced out of what little food still remains in food deserts across North America, more groups of Indigenous Mexicans have begun migrating to other countries for work because they can’t afford food in their own towns, and millions of indigenous peoples are going without water due to diminishing or now-nonexistent glaciers. This doesn’t even touch on the economic situation in Hawaii even prior to the fires, the suffering the global south in general is forced to endure due to colonial and resource exploitation even without global warming as a factor, etc.

Today, disabled people in the US (perhaps other places as well, I’m not super familiar) can’t get married without losing all government benefits, the right of gay couples to adopt is in trouble, abortion rights are going out the window, and parents aren’t vaccinating their kids because they’re scared of autism, so immunocompromised people are literally one cough in public away from dying. Misogyny is worse due to Andrew Tate and others like him, and feminist movements now have gone back so far that people get dogpiled for daring to say “free the nipple” or that sports shouldn’t be gendered.

I’m not saying that there has never been a WORSE time to be alive. There certainly have been worse times, and I didn’t cover every injustice here because there are SO many. I didn’t speak on basically any black issues, primarily because there are black people constantly discussing those issues and no one listens to them. I, as a non-black individual, cannot speak on these topics better than they can, nor do I believe I can speak on any of the issues I mentioned better than anyone else. It’s just exceedingly frustrating to see that post circulating when indigenous, Jewish, black, Muslim, LGBTQ, and so on have been begging people to listen and to help for longer than I’ve been alive today, and the situation reaching yet another fever pitch. You have to literally ignore all of this to claim that things are better than they’ve ever been across the board, just because people on average die of cancer less (except anyone with darker skin tones), the Catholic Church isn’t going through a schism currently, and we have chocolate now.

[well-its-not-human-anymore]

So this is a personal one for me to ask and if you're not comfortable with it don't mind it; how would the tmnt boys (seperate) react when the reader confesses that they're autistic after the boys got curious when she had some peculiar, behavior or stims. The reader would be stressed, because she has a crush on the tmnt boy in question and she didn't want them to find her weird or just stop interacting with her. When she's met with confusion instead, because the boys never heard of it, cue this weird conversation where reader tells them to the best of her ability what it is and the boys just keep asking questions. Also some general headcannons with it maybe?

Okay so I'm actually really happy that you asked me this because I feel like ASD isn't portrayed a lot in any type of media. My ADD and ASD have a lot of overlap so I hope I can capture what you're asking of me!

Now let's get into it!

TMNT Headcanons

The boys reacting to an autistic reader

Leonardo

he wasn't really sure what was happening the first time you reacted

one minute you were standing next to him doing dishes and the next you were attempting to claw your skin off like an angry cat

Leo tried not to look annoyed as he watched you rub your hands against your shirt until your flesh started to turn red

you looked like you were crying but he knew you weren't

but your face was starting to turn purple and your cheeks were puffy from the effort of holding your breath

"Y/N? You need to breathe."

You shot a glare at him, scathing eyes meeting his now very concerned expression

your own softened and you clutched your arms to your chest, heaving oxygen into your lungs until your face became a normal shade again

"Are you okay?"

The words were stuck in your throat and you weren't sure if you should nod or shake your head

so you gave him a half-hearted shrug

he frowned back at you but turned to finish the dishes on his own

when he questioned you about it later he couldn't help but be curious

"Well actually it's uh- it's kinda a sensory type of thing? There are certain textures that I can't stand touching do I avoid them but if I come into contact by accident my brain just kinda explodes and I shut down."

"How exactly does that work though?"

"I don't really understand it much but like- you know that feeling you get when you think there's a bug on you and there's not but it really really feels like it?"

He nodded

"Yeah, it feels like that. And anytime I touch something that triggers that reaction it takes FOREVER to get the feeling off my skin. That's why I usually wear gloves when I do dishes. Guess I just forgot to grab 'em today."

He was sympathetic

and god, you were so embarrassed

lucky for you, Leo's not an asshole

"Well thank you for explaining it to me, you really freaked me out earlier. I'll talk to April and see if we can keep a pair or two at the lair just in case you forget again."

Consider your heart melted

you couldn't even find the words to thank him and holy shit was your face red

"Hey y/n?"

"Yeah Leo?"

"Why didn't you ever tell me- us that you were autistic?"

Did you rip the band aid off now or make something up? Which would ,technically speaking, be less catastrophic in the long run?

"I uh- I really like you and I really didn't want you or the other's to look at me differently..."

wow, you liked him? miss ma'am you have saved this boy a world of anxiety and damn does he thank you for it

"Thanks for telling me... and y/n? I really like you to."

Awh fuck yeah, best possible execution of band aid-ripping-off ever

Donatello

Donnie wished he could act surprised when you finally told him

he really wanted to, it would've made you feel better for sure

but he sucked at lying and he didn't want to make you feel like he thought you were an idiot

because that was so far from the truth

after going through extensive research on Mikey's behalf when he suspected he had ADHD Donnie had stumbled across many different websites that discussed the symptoms and overlaps between both disorders

to make a long story short, Donnie knew that you had ASD and he was waiting for you to tell him

it would probably come off as rude if he brought it up in conversation right?

he didn't want to risk it

but that didn't stop him from keeping an eye on you and your behaviors

he was a man of science, of course he was going to analyze you

not in a weird way or anything, just as a curious sort of precaution

but the longer you were involved in the turtle's lives the more noticeable your stims and meltdowns got, Donnie did his best to cover for you without making you suspicious of him

eventually he'd come up with something that he hoped would come across as a friendly gesture and wouldn't set you off or scare you away

it was game night at the lair and you, as always, were perched on the arm of the sofa, a large grin plastered on your face

inside your head was exploding but you were masking it pretty well if you do say so yourself

but Donnie was, well... donnie was donnie

so when he noticed you starting to rock a little more visibly he removed his attention from commentating the game and grabbed a pair of headphones from the side table

you were beyond confused when he passed them to you but your face revealed everything

"They're noise cancelling, try them on."

holy shit it was like putting your head underwater, everything was muffled

not in the way normal headphones did, you quite literally couldn't hear anything at all, just a calm amount of nothing

you nearly started crying when you realized that Donnie had figured you out on his own

but you'd never been more relieved about anything in your life

Raphael

he wouldn't admit that he was mesmerized by your presence

you practically radiated calm

his complete opposite

it was his favorite thing about you, because despite your quiet disposition and calming aura you weren't afraid to call him out or rebut any of his insults

this was not something you expected him to appreciate nor was it something you thought would make you catch feelings

but damn if you didn't

he'd been sitting in on yours and Donnie's little experiment for an hour or so now, watching you both exchange quiet whispers and inside jokes that you always seemed to lag on

then you slipped up

not bad, nothing detrimental to the project, just the same mistake that you'd already made ten times over

you might as well have exploded

"Y'N, you just have to move thi-"

"I KNOW DONATELLO. I FUCKING KNOW AND I JUST CAN'T DO THIS BULLSHIT!"

you set everything down gently enough to avoid breaking it before turning and storming out of the lab, waving your hands like they were on fire

Raph and Donnie exchanged a look that sent the larger red turtle following after you

when you calmed yourself down enough to talk you kept your gaze locked on the wall, explaining that you couldn't make eye contact when you were upset

he might not be the smartest brother, but Raph's no dummy, he put those pieces together pretty quickly after you told him that one small detail

he wasn't upset that you didn't tell him and you'd personally never been more relieved

your heart nearly splattered into the stratosphere when you finally gace him your own explanation

"yeah, I like ya too."

you grinned so wide you were sure your face would split open and your entire body rocked side to side with excitement

he thought that was pretty adorable too

And he did stick around to offer a bit of support when you apologized to Donnie for screaming at him

Michaelangelo

to be frank it probably shouldn't have taken so long for Mikey to realize that you were autistic

the similarities between your own personality and his ADHD were so in sight it was near painful

it was his turn to make dinner that night and you'd made sure that you came over early to help him set up, you knew how side-tracked he'd get and you were the poster child for solid routine

what more perfect matchup existed?

trick question, there isn't one

you were on one side of the counter cutting vegetables and he was on the other throwing said vegetables into the mixing pot

the music was at an ungodly level of loud so your only means of communication were screaming over it

"MIKEY."

"WHA?"

"YOU GOT THE-"

"YEAH."

"AND THE-"

"UH HUH."

"COOL, HAVE YOU SEEN THE-"

"TONGS? NO, THE SKEWERS. YEAH, THEY'RE IN THE OTHER DRAWER."

"THANKS."

the two of you went about your previous tasks, thinking nothing of the conversation that had just taken place

at least until you'd begun washing your knife and cutting board

that's when Casey walked in, looking both perturbed and annoyed at the same time

"Alright, which one of you knows telepathy?"

Mikey exchanged a glance with you and you returned it with a raised eyebrow

"The hell you mean brah?"

he looked at the both of you like you were the ones that had grown four extra heads before speaking again

"You literally just had a conversation with like five words and somehow just knew what the other meant? What's up with that?"

you glanced at Mikey again

"Holy shit, did we?"

"I mean, not really. You used your hands."

now all three of you were confused but it quickly became two when Casey shook his head in defeat and left the room

"You know I think he's right."

he blinked first and your staring contest ended

"But you used your hands-"

"I got autism Mikey, one does not simply not use their hands as forms of speech."

"You're-"

"Yep."

was the silence laughing at you? could it do that? it was kinda rude

"Huh, that actually makes sense, that's not mean is it?"

you shook your head no

"You're just me but fast."

Mikey agreed with that, pestered you with a few more questions, and went back about working, as did you, you saw no reason to address it further

but your cheeks burned red

"Yo- Y/N that actually explains why everyone else thinks we're a thing."

you didn't know if you could choke on air or not but you did it anyways

"Are we?"

he gave you his signature grin

"If we are then Raph owes April a hundred bucks."

you returned his smile

"Oh this oughta be good."

I'd like to preface this by apologizing for my near three week absence. Life got crazy and my writer's block hopped on a train, went through a school zone, killed seven pedestrians, and committed tax fraud before tumbling off a cliff never to be seen again.

But on the bright side- I got my SAT scores back and started some scholarship applications. Super happy with that. School's out in a few weeks so I'll be able to write more (hopefully).

Anyways, I hope I got this one down okay. I may have hyper analyzed the request so I might be a little off. But I really enjoyed doing this one and I hope you like it!

-Mars 🌠

[thenamesblurrito]

Cybertronian neurodivergence and mental health

Psychiatry is a fairly well developed science on SNAP’s Cybertron, if only to better control people and fix them to serve the state. Or, on a darker note, to label dissenters and revolutionaries as mentally unstable and thus not worth listening to. People like Rung, Froid, Minitron, and Trepan are well-known figures in their field, but counselors and therapists are relatively common across Cybertron, mostly attached to corporations or funded by the state with the express goal of keeping everyone working smoothly. Even Beta Trion has a counseling license, which is why she’s one of the counselors at the JAAT.

Warning for discussion of mental illness, “normative” psychiatry, and discussion of ableism. Please note that this is a noncomprehensive list, and none of these terms are one-to-one representatives of human conditions, they’re only based off of them. The worldbuilding I’m doing here is not a statement about any real neurodivergence, mental illness, psychiatric system, or actual human being, and the values of the society I’m creating are very much opposite of my own.

Nonstandard circuitry

The Cybertronian term for neurodiversity. A convenient catch-all for any processors with “deviations” from forging, instead of issues developed over time. Those that make it difficult to easily sort mecha into functions or workspaces are usually called disorders and stigmatized in general society, and those that can be harnessed to improve or increase the amount of work a mech does are praised as dutiful, with all their detrimental symptoms ignored.

The state-controlled psychiatric system is hardly a neutral party in this, meaning every diagnosis, every medical file, every prescription, and every patient and practitioner is another cog in the machine, another manner of control. On a person-to-person level, there often is a genuine desire to help individuals and improve lives, but someone with a diagnosis of nonstandard circuitry will always have that marked as part of their ID. Their employers can see and use that. Because of the way everyone is assigned a function, a nonstandard individual won’t often struggle to find a job, but the types of jobs available to them will change.

Mostly, people have to choose between pursuing an evaluation and diagnosis to get help if they’re struggling, and avoiding diagnosis to have another aspect of themselves dissected into a set of manacles to chain them to their assigned function. Black market therapy has a strong, widespread community, but psychiatric mediations are too heavily controlled to be easily taken or copied, and bootlegs are dangerous.

Hyperfunction

A spectrum of several related conditions with related symptoms that vary in strength and effect. According to the diagnostic standards, a hyperfunctional person has a notable imbalance between social comfort and expertise in personal interests. For routines, skills, and subjects they are driven by or attracted to, they excel, hence they term “hyperfunction”, referring to their above-average ability in their particular areas of interest. This makes them very valuable to functionism, even if their interest turns to a detrimental obsession that interferes with the rest of their life.

Hypercalculative Regulation Hyperfunction

Based on autism. Mecha with HRH develop in a different manner than standard mecha, often struggling to learn common social norms and rules while soaking up all information of interest at a level higher than their peers. Their sensory nets are queued to different impulses, meaning relatively inconsequential feelings or sensations can become catastrophically painful, but certain stimulations are soothing and fun. They often require routine of some sort, predictable procedural schedules or actions they can rely on, with difficulty adjusting to unexpected change. Each individual will often connect with one or several particular special interests, becoming notable in their expertise. While each person is different and these interests usually have nothing to do with their frame’s function, they can often be assigned to work within their special interest, as their passion is valuable. Transmutate has been diagnosed with HRH. Prowl and his trine are likely on the upper end of this spectrum, although they’ve deliberately avoided evaluation.

Hypercalculative Divergent Hyperfunction

If HRH is comparable to the defunct distinction of “high functioning” or “mild” autism, HDH is “severe” autism. The two are just different levels of the same nonstandard circuitry, but functionism puts emphasis on diagnosing according to how easily someone can be used, thus the differentiation of “severity”. Going from the self-contained routine hyperfunction of HRH, mecha with HDH cannot function as a normal member of society. Common elements are a total lack of social skills to the point of little or no language development, aversion to touch and comfort, hypersensitivity, and meltdowns in response to an unpleasant situation. While mecha like these can be given work of sorts, they are considered more trouble than they’re worth, and often live a life of near-indentured servitude under adult caretakers.

Persistent Compulsion Hyperfunction

Based on OCD. Most commonly known by the flagship symptom of a compulsion to follow organization and routine, PCH has a much, much broader effect than that. A mech with PCH has to deal with intrusive thoughts and anxiety, often concerning contamination, violence, loss of control, or loss of morality. Relatively minor rituals like keeping symmetry and order in one’s physical environment keep some of the fear away, but often this can degenerate into complicated and objectively useless routines to assuage the intrusive thoughts, like checking precisely twenty times to see if the door has been locked. Compulsions like this can be draining and time consuming, even becoming dangerous in some cases, and only reinforce the fear after providing temporary relief. The meticulous and careful procedure of a mech with PCH is valuable for jobs that require thorough work, but more debilitating symptoms are usually shut down and medicated until the individual is competent enough to work again. Minimus has minor PCH, undiagnosed, but it may worsen as he ages. Fixit has been diagnosed with PCH and takes medication for it.

Executive Disregulation Hyperfunction

Based on ADHD. Commonly described as “an impulsivity in pursuing fulfillment”, it’s characterized by a short attention span, emotional disregulation and sensitivity, periods of intense energy and lethargy, inability to start or complete tasks, and chasing stimulation until said stimulation no longer provides entertainment. Because of their poor ability to regulate their executive function, many undiagnosed mecha are called lazy or idiotic for being unable to perform relatively simple actions or habits. Conversely, a subject that piques their interest will receive their full attention and effort. The adult Fireflight and the younglings Hot Rod, Skywarp, and Misfire all have EDH, although none of them are diagnosed.

Triple Fracture

This is the condition Blitzwing has due to his triple changer frame. It isn’t seen in any other frametype, hence it’s name. Triple-changers are uncommon enough to be easily targeted by the prejudices of functionism, but not the easily suppressed rarity that functionists wish they were. Aside from greater strength, durability, and flexibility, two alt modes don’t have much of an adverse effect on their physical health. The biggest negative stereotype about them is their “insanity”.

While nonstandard circuitry comes in many forms, the most feared and misunderstood version is triple fracture. It’s a mental disorder that occurs in less than five percent of triple-changers, but nevertheless it has gained synonymy with that frametype. For our case study, Blitzwing's processor functions in three sections: responsive, reactionary, and deflective. His responsive instincts manifest as the personality slice nicknamed “Icy”. This is the calmest, most well adjusted side of him, capable of taking time to think through and settle on a genuine response to a situation, but likely to switch out under duress. His reactionary instincts are nicknamed “Hothead”, and this is the personality slice that has an immediate reaction to stress, and who uses over-the-top anger and bluffing to push back against whatever is making him feel threatened. His deflective instincts show up as “Random”, acting out and adopting an attitude opposite of the mood around him to divert attention from the actual stressor and onto his own actions, which gives him a modicum of control.

He isn’t three separate people, and he isn’t even really three separate personalities. The different nicknames for the different personality slices are more of a tool for him to describe his current feelings than a set of actual names. He simply doesn’t have the ability to rationally choose a response to stimuli because of the three different filters his processor uses to perceive the world. Even his occasional crazier or more violent episodes occur because his instincts are trying to defend him. Triple fracture cannot be medicated either, because what might stabilize one slice will unbalance the other slices, and the processor as a whole will suffer. However, a triple changer with a good support system and coping mechanisms is perfectly capable of living a normal life, personality slices and all. They aren’t inherently bad, either. Blitzwing can more easily stand up for himself when in Hothead mode, and is very good at telling jokes and playing a room when in Random mode.

Modal Triple Fracture

Exactly like the above, except locked into what form a mech is currently in instead of switching out according to a situation. Sky Lynx has modal triple fracture. His responsive personality slice is tied to root mode, reactionary tied to beast mode, and deflective tied to shuttle mode. He stays in root mode most of the time to keep the most rational part of himself at the forefront.

Modal Personality Disorder

Sort of related to triple fracture, modal personality disorder causes a drastic mood swing whenever a mech transforms between root and alt mode, usually between a calm demeanor and a high-energy or intense demeanor. Unlike triple fracture, this does not involve separate personality slices, only mood swings. Since it’s caused by a specific variation in the morphcore section of the processor which controls the t-cog, it’s considered a processor malfunction type of nonstandard circuitry. It occurs more in modal frames than other frametypes. The adult Road Rage and the youngling Cliffjumper both have MPD, although only Road Rage is diagnosed. Diagnoses are disproportionately more common among beastformers, because of the stigma of “beast instincts” overwhelming one’s sapience.

Submechanoid Psychosis

A punitive psychiatric term based on the now defunct inadequate personality disorder. Colloquially known as feral syndrome, this term is less a genuine condition and more an excuse to label unsatisfactory beastformers as less than people. It refers to beastformers and occasionally toolformers who are violent, unintelligent, or otherwise have a personality not perfectly suitable to subservience. Many beastformers with genuine MPD are deliberately misdiagnosed with submechanoid psychosis. If Grimlock were ever to undergo an evaluation, he would likely be diagnosed with this, although he actually has MPD. Riptide, if he were a beastformer, would also probably be labeled as submechanoid.

Neurasthenia

Based on the now defunct neurasthenia. The condition of the high castes, neurasthenia causes fatigue, dissatisfaction, anxiety, migraines, weakness, and depression. It isn’t nonstandard circuitry, but rather a condition caused by too much stress and/or too little stimulation. It’s mostly diagnosed in upper class individuals, following the theory that the constant scrutiny of being an upper class example to society is chronically nervewracking. The symptoms and causes are poorly defined, with contradicting opinions from different psychological practices. The most common listed source of neurasthenia is overworking within an intangible function, such as the performance and emotional labor of a public figure. Prescribed treatments usually including some form of physical work with tangible results, so as to rejuvenate an individual’s motivation with real, concrete evidence of their ability and accomplishment.

Defunctional Disorder

Based on clinical depression. Characterized by lack of interest, demotivation, low moods, and lethargy and exhaustion, defunctional disorder is a relatively common mental illness. It can be caused both by forged nonstandard circuitry and stress from one’s situation. It’s labelled for the way it makes an individual less likely to adequately perform their function, but it has significant effect on day-to-day life and habits outside of work. A mech affected by defunctional disorder may fall into despair and hopelessness, self-hatred, or utter numbness, and may consider self harm or suicide. Dead End, Sideways, Swerve, and Buzzsaw all have defunctional disorder. Only Dead End and Buzzsaw have been diagnosed, but neither are medicated. Many people believe Alpha Trion must have it, hence his drinking problem.

Baseline Alarm Disorder

Based on paranoid personality disorder and anxiety. BAD often shows up as a comorbid condition with PCH. It’s caused by a constant triggering of a mech’s internal preservation and security systems, conjuring a sense of doom and danger at all times regardless of the current situation. Considered a processor malfunction type of nonstandard circuitry, a mech will suffer from paranoia, anxiety, illogical suspicion or mistrust even of a situation they know to be safe, panic attacks with acute physical fear responses, and intense stress and energy drain. Red Alert, Breakdown, and Spinister all have BAD, but only Spinister is diagnosed. He’s medicated, which is what inspired his fascination with medical mechanics.

Overclocking

A poorly defined “disorder”, overclocking refers to a processor overworking itself, moving too quickly to follow itself. This is usually a symptom of a larger condition, often HRH or EDH, but it’s also diagnosed as a standalone condition. Overclocking is characterized by scattered or nonsensical trains of thought, manic energy and following exhaustion, difficulty forming words or coherent sentences, abrupt movement coupled with aborted actions, uncontrollable tics, and a continual sense of restlessness, urgency, or inability to pause. It isn’t exactly rare on Cybertron, but it’s almost never diagnosed on Velocitron. An overclocking Cybertronian seeing a Velocitronian psychiatrist is unlikely to receive a diagnosis, but a Cybertronian psychiatrist is likely to label a normal Velocitronian as overclocking, simply due to their often speedy nature and cultural behavior. Blurr has a stutter, is quick and clumsy, and speaks with the typical speed of a Velocitronian, which means he would likely be incorrectly diagnosed with this condition.

Sporadic Hang Syndrome

This condition is basically the opposite of overclocking, instead causing a mech’s processor to pause, buffer, and/or restart a certain task or thought, often repeatedly. Some people have these problems only with certain actions or feelings, some only deal with it in stressful situations, and some have persistent trouble no matter what’s going on. Symptoms include freezing mid-word or action, forgetfulness, repetition of the same word or action, uncontrollable tics, and random and/or triggered long periods of “blankness” of no movement or sensation, the processor caught in an unresolved task or thought loop.

Autoexecution Syndrome

Caused by an error in loading and running scripts in the processor, a mech with autoexecution syndrome struggles with choices, changing routines, and executive function. Symptoms include improper ending of the recharge cycle, low impulse control, intrusive thoughts and acting before thinking, and compulsion to complete a sequence or routine before doing anything else. While it’s related to PCH and can be comorbid with it, autoexecution syndrome lacks the fear and anxiety aspect of PCH and is classified as processor malfunction nonstandard circuitry. Hubcap has autoexecution syndrome and is medicated for it.

Information Creep

Based on dementia and Alzheimer’s. A condition gained later in life rather than forged nonstandard circuitry, information creep occurs in a very old mech who’s running out of memory storage space. It’s occasionally called blurred data. Eidetic decay is normal in older memories as they are compressed and reformatted for deeper storage, but at some point the memory file itself becomes too corrupted to read or is deleted completely. A mech that has reached old age is almost certain to get information creep at least on a small scale. The condition becomes debilitating when the corruption starts encroaching on large portions of the memory, even into short-term memory. It causes difficulty knowing where or when one is, uncertainty as to who others are or what their significance is, problems following conversations, and anywhere from general absentmindedness to total loss of interaction with external stimulation. One would think that size null mecha are more prone to this, but that isn’t true. The percentage of size null mecha who suffer from more than just slight information creep is much lower than the percentage of older modern mecha who suffer the same. Medics and psychiatrists are unsure as to why.

Overwritten Information Creep

Similar to the above, except not caused by age, rather by an error in the processor that overwrites stored data rather than making a new folder in chronological order. This is uncommon, but can affect any age. Mecha affected will find themselves losing time, forgetting pieces of or entire memories no matter how recent or vivid, losing track of possessions, getting lost easily, and having difficulty connecting information with its source or correlation. Although no one pays attention to him enough to notice, Rung has overwritten information creep, hence his chronic forgetfulness.

Primus Apotheosis

A relatively recent term coined by Froid, primus apotheosis is suspected to affect 2% of all adults who have come in contact with the vigilante factions operating in Iacon. It’s characterized by excessive admiration or obsession with one or multiple faction members, idealization of their teachings to the point of blindly following, dysmorphia in their own frames and irrational belief that they ought to look more like these vigilantes, and abnormally increased interest for people and subjects outside of their assigned function, class, and cultural background. So far, a youngling’s typical overenthusiasm for a new interest has proven indistinguishable from primus apotheosis, so diagnoses are limited to adults. The condition is practically guaranteed in any survivor of relic corruption, usually with especially strong frame dysmorphia. Froid has had to do the majority of diagnosing himself, because that insufferable fool the Academy has hired as their chief counselor has the audacity to claim “primus apotheosis is absolute nonsense”.

Pathological Dissent

A punitive psychiatric term based on the now defunct sluggish schizophrenia, drapetomania, and general political abuse of psychiatry. Mecha diagnosed with pathological dissent are, without fail, rebels and activists of some sort. The official diagnosis claims that these people are “neurologically incapable of being satisfied with their inbuilt function”, therefore the state must take custody of them for their own health and wellbeing. It is by far the most dangerous label any individual could ever acquire. Froid and several others have remotely diagnosed the vigilante faction members with pathological dissent, and Impactor was also diagnosed with it prior to his execution.

[penseeenvu]

„We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.“ Anais Nin

(brainyquote.com ; 31.10.2020)

- written in 50 minutes instead of 30. -

Let us begin with animism, a very ancient way to view the world, found at the roots of most religions. Objects and phenomena of nature such as the weather, climate, single mountains, trees, rivers, accidents or catastrophes are interpreted as actions of living beings motivated by specific intentions, that sometimes one had to find out. In Shintoism in ancient Japan for instance, local deities were present everywhere and had to be included in everyday decisions. They were said to have a good and a bad side, only one of them meaning well, and humans had to be careful to favour the nice one. Earthquakes could be the expression of the deity of the mountain, but so could rain, or being able to take a path safely, „under their protection“. Thus, the current state of mind of the deity, whether it expressed itself as angry or happy or calm, was directly, and almost exclusively, related to the consequences it had on humans. Assuming that those deities existed, they would have been perceived „as we (humans) are“, which might not always have been concordant with how they actually were.

Furthermore, the questions of animism leads to another aspect of human perception and interpretation, which is a tendency to seek sense everywhere, and more easily in ways that put ourselves in the center of the explanation. In shintoism, a mountain couldn’t just be a mountain, it had to be alive, like us, think, like us, and have emotions, sometimes irrationally so, like us. And not only that, but most of the time, all of this revolved entirely around human behaviour. It was angry? The village had done something wrong. Climate was very good for agriculture this year? The prayers and rituals had worked. If the explanation wasn’t about humans, the people wouldn’t have even known what to do with the information.

What’s interesting is, a similar thing happens for all humans during development. For very small children whose parents get a divorce, even if the latter explain the reasons to their child, the child is very likely to interpret all bad things that happen to it as its own fault. In psychology, we call it egocentrical reasoning (which has nothing to do with egoism) : at first, it cannot understand things otherwise, and it takes a long development to be able to inhibit this first intuitive reasoning style. So, a divorce might make the child see its own past actions in a suddenly very dramatic way („I didn’t always listen; I didn’t go to bed when they told me; I kept playing with the curtains when they told me not to; I wasn’t good enough at school“, …). This can of course be prevented through repeated explanations from part of the parents, and the child’s maturation processes will make it understand the situation in a new light later. But these thoughts can still be traumatizing, in the sense where if they were believed for a long period of time, they will have shaped the child’s personality in some way.

Later, we become able to interpret other people’s actions by identification with them. In psychology, this is called Theory of Mind. If I were you, why would I do that? Whereas the child under six years old wasn’t naturally able yet to put itself in other people’s shoes (thus putting itself at the center of everything), those over seven will gradually develop the ability to abstract their own perception and imagine what it would be like from another person’s point of view. I know the gloves are drying on the heater, but that doesn’t make the other child stupid for looking for them in the drawer : they didn’t see the adult put them on the heater to dry. If I were them, I wouldn’t have been able to know either. This ability is less intuitive than the egocentrism, but in most adults in becomes automatical too. Some neurological differences, like autism for instance, can complicate it though.

In a similar way, „I would never hurt someone on purpose“ can turn into „he didn’t do it on purpose“. But in fact, we have very little access to what other people think : maybe he did and maybe not. It is our own responsibility to evaluate what we think we know, and how we think we know it.

Last but not least, what we know and feel will always keep influencing our perception. If we are already anxious we are more likely to perceive someone as potentially dangerous – if it expresses as social anxiety for example, we might perceive a comment as being mockery, although a person was actually just trying to help. Anxiety levels are influenced by basic things such as food, working out, socializing, whether one got good sleep, etc. But also past experiences, our own personality, shaping our expectations… So yes, another time, „what we are“ makes up a very important part of how we see the world!

We have a way to try to take a step back from our own perception (executive functions in psychology, including inhibition, in this case preventing the intuition of always putting ourselves first). Only, even with them, we can only view things through our own perception, be it mixed with what other possible views we have heard, read or otherwise got to know through other people’s minds. So the most abstract a mind can probably get here is not viewing things „as I am“, but „as we are“. What the thing actually is, though… How would we know? Phenomenologists would have a lot more to say here.

[alluringoneirataxia]

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

[everysongineverykey]

I have always and will always hate the way Julian’s augmentation arc was handled by the ds9 writers. They had him forgive his abusive parents for no good reason, try to convince starfleet to surrender to the dominion because of some superiority complex he’d gained from spending time with other augments (because according to star trek, only the “normal-passing” augments are safe to be around, the others are Psychos who will kill you without a moment’s hesitation if you get on their bad side), and literally try to tell said other augments that there were “““““some very good reasons””””””” for their not being allowed to take up jobs or be in society. That’s some really toxic shit right there, and it gets even worse when you remember that Julian is autistic-coded and his parents are basically the autism-phobic anti-vaxxers of the 24th century.  But I won’t deny that Julian’s entire arc about not feeling good enough really spoke to me when i first watched ds9.

Sure, star trek’s had plenty of other autistic-coded characters, and I liked them all a lot- Data’s struggles to understand humans spoke to me, and he was and is my favorite tng character. Seven literally waking up in a world she didn’t understand and having to learn all the rules of that world and how to make friends made me empathize with her.

But Data, Seven, Spock, Odo- they were only coded. Half of them weren’t even human (at least not completely, in seven and spock’s cases), and the ones that were were just coded- never was it implied that they might have been born with a disability that contributed to their alienation. Barclay was just “haha let’s make fun of clumsy awkward man” before his character grew into what it is today, and he was respected by everyone else, but even then he was just... awkward. Same with Tilly.

Julian Bashir was the exception. He was the only one who actually had an entire scene dedicated to explaining his social and academic struggles as a child, how he knew he was falling behind but didn’t know anything else- I remember watching that scene for the first time, how my thoughts went something like this:

“While other children were learning how to use the computer, I was still trying to tell a cat from a dog, a tree from a house-” I know how that feels! “-And I didn’t know why!” Neither do I! “All I knew was that I was a disappointment.” So do I.

Julian was more than just coded, he was implied. Heavily implied. Not canon, but just barely there. He directly told the autistic audience, I was just like you when I was a kid. And I will never not be grateful for that.

I was thirteen when I first saw doctor bashir, i presume. Although I wasn’t too fucking happy with the ending, that scene is probably one of my favorites in the series- no, let’s go even further. It’s one of my favorite scenes on tv. When I watched that scene, I was still hopeless at math and pe, and not very promising in science. I had friends who I knew cared about me, but I always knew they liked each other more than they liked me, and I really didn’t blame them. I wasn’t on their level. I hadn’t been born with the innate knowledge of How To Make Friends like they had, and as such, we were never really truly connected. I had trouble forming words on the spot, even though I knew how to talk just fine, and I had an above-average vocabulary for my age group. If I tried to say something without thinking very hard about it first, it’d come out confused and incoherent and often not making much sense, so I usually just didn’t talk unless I knew what I was going to say. Math and gym were the banes of my existence. I didn’t like myself at all then. I felt like the ugliest, most useless, most pathetic person on earth, always hating myself for only being good at spelling, writing, and history- aka “the things no one cares about”, and even then, my writing wasn’t anything revolutionary, I just went to an american school with relatively low standards. I didn’t even have art going for me- in preschool, my teacher expressed concern to my mother about me because I was the only one in the class who couldn’t trace their own handprint (naturally, my mum was like “you’re kidding, right? Who cares? It’s a handprint.”). Needless to say, you couldn’t pay me to go back to the eighth grade.

And something that made all this worse was that I truly felt like I was the only one on earth who was this catastrophically bad at everything (according to me). No one on tv was like this. No one. Except Dr. Julian Bashir.

That was the first time I had ever heard a character I loved and looked up to tell me that I was not alone, that even in the 24th century, people like me- people who just didn’t get it like everybody else did- existed. 

Yes, Julian had a rather questionable ending to his arc. But his journey told millions of autistic people that they were seen, they were there, they mattered. And isn’t that one of the best things a character can do for you? If I ever meet Alexander Siddig, I’ll try to muster up the courage to tell him thank you, that his character helped me feel seen, and that I’m really grateful. 

[unillama04-blog]

So I have chronic health issues so I spend a lot of time in hospital. Last year I spent 6 months collectively in the hospital. I’ve had mental health issues since I was 8. I tied a belt around my neck and to the bed, medication induced psychosis. I don’t remember it from the day after it. And then I had to go to camhs.

Which wasn’t good. From age 9 and a half I’ve been deeply suicidal, just thinking back to summer 2016, I was 11. I had a diary that I hid in my room. And I remember every single entry for the summer had me saying I wanted to kill myself. Then when I went to school I grabbed my diary and chucked it into an outdoor bin. I don’t think I will ever move on from that guilt.

Last year was a shit show. January I only did 2 weeks at school as my disease was back and was waiting on tests. On my last day a was out into a headlock and the girl punched the crap out of. When I was at home I had vile online bullying. My school told my parents to involve the police.

February I was rushed to hospital with a bad infection and catastrophic levels of inflammation in my intestines. I was in for 5 weeks. I was told I needed an emergency test, but the soonest they could get was 11 days as I had to have meds 3 days before so I couldn’t keep waiting every day for a slot it had to be scheduled. So I went home for 11 days. During that time I had tickets for panic at the disco I was so excited. So excited. But I was to sick to go so my family went. I told them it was fine but I sobbed at home, I was tube fed in pain and was missing out.

Then I had the procedure in April, I was told my intestines were really bad. My body was using up my medication to fast so it was ineffective and that I’d need surgery soon rather than later as if it was left I’d end up critical and needing emergency surgery. All that year I had no support from camhs, list in the system yet again. I had a new worker as mine had gone on maternity leave. Leading up to the descion of surgery my surgeon kept doubting me and saying I should have a few months of psychological support before surgery. And maybe some of my pain was psychological which when they did the op they found out it wasn’t. You can’t have poor mental health and have chronic illness as then the drs just say it’s all your fault and all in your head. I had to fight for surgery and screaming at my parents for agreeing at first with my surgeon. I was fighting for a better life. But what they didn’t see was me wrecked in my bedroom repaying hold on just until surgery. Because I had enough of my disease. I was so close to self harm but if I did I knew my surgery would of been called off. The blade and scissors pressed against my skin many times but I never dragged it to create the cut.

I had my surgery in June. It was horrible. I was in agony and ended up in the critical care unit. I was drowning in dry land. My body went out of control and my lungs filled with fluid. My stomach had temporarily paralysed. My parents didn’t visit me as much. Because of the stomach I was struggling to eat or drink and I wasn’t weened off my tube feeds so in July I was transferred to the medical ward. Sometimes I really wish that I never left critical care breathing.

July came, my dads birthday was on the 6th and there was so much pressure to be joke for his birthday it was degrading. Just eat. But every time I ate I felt so sick and was in agony. I was on pump feeds but I kept turning the pump off as it hurt too much. I got into trouble a lot for it. I was told I could go home for my dads birthday but couldn’t. And then the enormous pressure as it was my sisters 18th on the 10th and her party on the 13th. I was promised I’d be out for her birthday and I wasn’t. Her birthday Wednesday the 10th July, was when everything started snowballing. My family went out for a meal, it was all over Facebook it looked amazing. They was having so much fun. And I was stuck in a hospital bed. I was so fustraited as I had been promised I could go home for her birthday.

That night there was a girl brought in for self harm thoughts. She wasn’t supposed to be on my ward she should of been on the general med ward not complex health. I was already feeling low and hearing that stuff just made everything worse. That night I snapped a razor and it was horrible. I managed to not self harm. Then Thursday evening I was doubled over in agony it was horrible so Friday I was just wiped out. And couldn’t fake any smiles. So a student nurse who looks after me a lot came to ask me if I was okay as staff was concerned and they knew I was under camhs. She explained about her depression and I said about what had almost happened. She quoted the confidentiality crap. But I thought bcus I hadn’t done anything nobody would need to know.

But it had to be reported. then the next day was Saturday the 13th. And my consultant cane to see me and I was in a foul mood bcus if my sisters birthday. And she said “Ellie I’ve heard some very disturbing reports from the nursing staff a hour how your feeling” I asked about the home leave and doged the camhs crap. And it was horrible. I managed to get home leave for the night but had to go back to the hospital. The only doctor in the team who let me as I’ve missed out on so much. And they kept promising me that I’d be discharged.

Well I surpised my sister it was an amazing moment, but i can’t ever think of that moment and not get upset. Everyone was happy to see me. It was nice but I couldn’t eat and I had been moved to bolus feeds which were really hard. And they were all pressuring me to eat. I had to go to bed and leave the part early. I felt like utter shit. Like I had let everyone down. I was really trying to hold off the self harm. Thinking what about mum and dad like I always try when that comes into my head or if I have suicidal thoughts. But it wasn’t enough I was in my room by 9, and by 12 I couldn’t cope. Couldn’t cope with other pressures behind the scenes. Couldn’t cope with the pain. I had all the psychological crap. And I had surgery I just underestimated recover pains. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel pain see it fucking understand it control and stop it. I couldn’t understand anything else.

I had razors in my room but it was too late to snap them. So I used pins sissors. I was so ashamed come the morning. I couldn’t eat breakfast, more pressure. And had to pack to go back to the hospital. I had a shower. It hurt so much. That was so mentally hard. Because I had cut just before I got into the shower. As my sister had a surprise holiday reviled for the next day was so excited. Her and my mum was going abroad. I was happy for her I had knew for ages. But my dad and brother (the only ones that’s be left at home) were planning what they was going to do whilst my mum and sister was away. And my brother said “it’s like I’ve got 1 sister anyway as Ellie is never here” he has autism and didn’t mean it to cause hurt. But it was a moment I fully realised I don’t fit into the family picture. I don’t belong in just a strain on what they want to do.

With all this I was on 1-1 in the hospital whilst they got me stable mentally and physically. I was cutting a lot when I got to the hospital it was out of control I didn’t want to keep doing it but I couldn’t help it. The Sunday my nurse had noticed my ankles whilst doing my feed I said it was nothing and put them under the blanket. Then the Monday came and I was just very bad. Tuesday I turned to a trusted nurse and quietly explained. She took the blades. It’s a children’s ward I felt really shit. For how I felt and what I did. I made sure it was something I child would never really pick up. Or find. In a packet of pocket tissues. Shoved in a sick bowl (empty)

The Wednesday came and they had to tell dad. It was a shit show. I begged if they could wait until Sunday. But they couldn’t. My dad went mental called me an attention seeker he later realised it wasn’t. It was horrible. On the Sunday night when my mum and sister where flying back I got really worked up and scratched so hard 6 repetitive I’ve lined wnd one just huge mess. I didn’t realise at first because I was so anxious but afterward I went oh fuck. Because there was no getting around that one as it was my hands/wrist. On the Monday my mum had a massive conversation about my self harm and came around and she had her own history that was personal that she told me which broke my heart. She came and visited me on the Tuesday it was a massive surprise. I met her at the lifts at the end of my ward I was pushing my wheel chair. It was July so it was boiling and I didn’t have my hoodie so I couldn’t hide it.

Mum saw and flipped her shit, it broke my heart. Before we had gotten half way across the hall after being in the lifts my dad stormed off to the ward because he was furious with me. There was a massive kick off. She said that if I self harmed again she’d make sure I get sectioned. My mood abd tiufht we’re low and I opened up to the hospital psychologist abd was honest and was on 1-1.

Now it’s April 2020 and I asked to borrow a pair of scissors to change a medical dressing. It was handed over that I had them and the nurse took them off of me. Then I asked to borrow some for my cross stitch and my nurse said your not keeping them you have to give them back give your history. I have self harmed since July but badly and made sure it wasn’t too deep etc. I’m 3 almost 4 months clean. Yet I’m still treated like a head case. At this stage I just wanna die I’ve had enough as I can take of this life

[artsoccupychi]

9 Warning Signs and Symptoms of Leaky Gut

Hippocrates was ahead of his time, saying “All disease begins in the gut.”

“Leaky gut” is a condition in which the lining of the intestines becomes damaged, allowing toxins, bacteria and undigested food particles to “leak” into the bloodstream. You may be surprised to know that many clinicians estimate that it affects 80–90% of people. Leaky gut is a root cause of many diseases today, meaning that treatment for conditions like autoimmune disorders, IBS, psoriasis, depression, and many more will not work unless the underlying leaky gut issues are cleared first.

Defining Leaky Gut

The medical term for leaky gut is “increased intestinal permeability.” Amazingly, our intestinal lining covers more than 4,000 square feet–about the area of an NBA basketball court!

When the gut becomes permeable, these unwanted toxins enter the bloodstream, causing widespread inflammation and triggering a response in the immune system.

The intestines is where food is broken down and nutrients are absorbed. They also act as a protective barrier—allowing very small substances through, while keeping harmful particles out of your bloodstream, such as bacteria, viruses, undigested food particles, and toxins.

When the gut becomes permeable, these unwanted toxins enter the bloodstream, causing widespread inflammation and triggering a response in the immune system.

Unfortunately, mainstream medical doctors do not always recognize this syndrome or know how to treat it. Instead of receiving treatment for the cause of your symptoms (which may include diarrhea, constipation, headaches, brain fog and fatigue), you end up receiving treatment that addresses the symptoms themselves.

This misguided protocol leads to “chasing symptoms”—one leading to the next until a catastrophic disease takes hold, or until you find a practitioner that is willing to dig down to the cause and treat the disease.

Let’s take a look at the many “diseases” where the root cause may be a leaky gut. You may be one of the many misdiagnosed individuals with this ailment.1

What are leaky gut symptoms?

The primary symptoms of leaky gut are:

1. Food allergies or food sensitivities. Yeast and other toxins spilling into your bloodstream trigger an allergic response, making allergies the number one symptom associated with a leaky gut. Studies have shown a direct correlation between children with food allergies and increased intestinal permeability.2

Some of the most common food allergies or sensitivities associated with leaky gut include dairy, wheat, eggs, soy, corn and nightshade vegetables. Eating foods containing these items may cause abdominal pain, bloating, diarrhea, constipation, swelling, migraines, or even allergy-triggered asthma.

In order to support your intestines as they heal, it’s best to steer clear of those foods that your body reacts to as foreign invaders. Sometimes healthy foods like nuts, tomatoes, or beans can be problematic for someone with a diseased gut, but with a period of a restricted diet and good treatment, they can eventually return to eating those foods.

You can find out what those foods are by going on an elimination diet, like the one built into our 26-day Detox. As you add food groups back in, one by one, you’ll be able to identify which ones you’re sensitive to.

2. Autoimmune disorders, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, or lupus. More than 70 percent of your immune system’s cells are located in your GI lining.3

A healthy gut lining keeps bad guys like microorganisms and toxins within the intestine, where the immune system can kill or disarm them. As permeability in this lining increases, the “baddies” can seep out into the body, triggering antibodies and eventually leading to an autoimmune response.4

3. Poor digestion, bloating, gas, constipation, loose stools, heartburn, and nutrient malabsorption. These symptoms are signs that the lining of the intestine is inflamed, and unable to break down food to the point that nutrients can be absorbed.

Researchers at Functional Medicine University estimate that “leaky gut” accounts for at least 50 percent of chronic bowel complaints.5

4. Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD), including Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Crohn’s, or colitis. These painful diseases inflame the intestinal tract, and are often associated with both diarrhea and constipation.

New studies on patients suffering with ulcerative colitis and IBS show that their colons are significantly more permeable (“leaky”) than normal.6

5. Thyroid issues such as hypothyroidism, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, or Graves’ disease. Studies show a strong correlation between leaky gut and the development of Hashimoto’s thyroiditis—a condition in which the immune system attacks the thyroid.7

Graves’ disease, another autoimmune disease, is the most common cause of hyperthyroidism and is associated with both gluten sensitivity and leaky gut.8

The common link between Hashimoto’s thyroiditis and Grave’s disease is that they affect the thyroid, usually involve an environmental trigger, and are associated with leaky gut. Graves, however, leads to an overactive thyroid gland while Hashimoto’s is associated with hypothyroidism.

6. Adrenal fatigue and slow metabolism. Stress causes your adrenal glands to release cortisol–a hormone that reduces inflammation, raises your blood sugar level, increases your awareness, and prepares you for fight-or-flight.

It’s a wonderful system when a tiger is chasing you and you have to think and act fast. However, if faced with chronic stress, the adrenals eventually grow weary…and so do you.

Stress also causes the brain to release a chemical called corticotropin releasing factor, or CRF. This chemical causes inflammation in the gut and increased permeability.

A vicious cycle ensues, with stress causing leaky gut, and leaky gut creating stress within the body.

7. Mood disorders, including anxiety, depression, and autism. Scientific American quoted several studies that concluded that leaky gut may allow substances to pass from the intestine to the bloodstream that harm the brain.

Among the findings: 35 percent of depressed participants showed signs of leaky gut,9  and as many as 9 out of 10 individuals with autism–primarily a disorder of the brain–suffer from leaky gut.

Interestingly, mice that demonstrated autism-like symptoms, who were treated with beneficial bacteria, showed changes such as less anxious behavior and increasing communication levels.10

8. Chronic pain in joints and muscles, including arthritis and headaches. When the contents of your intestines, such as particles of food and bacteria, leak into your gut, the immune system is activated to combat the invaders.

Inflammatory chemicals then travel throughout your body, causing widespread inflammation that results in pain in both the muscles and joints. Researchers have also linked this type of inflammation to migraines.11

9. Skin problems, including eczema, psoriasis, rosacea, acne, and age spots. Skin rashes, too, are a sign that your body, overloaded with toxins leaked from the gut, is trying to dump them out through the skin.

No amount of skin cream or rash ointment is going to fix a symptom that originates from the gut! These skin problems must be treated from the inside, by healing the source of the issue.

The gut-brain connection: having a healthy gut is intrinsically tied to having a healthy, alert brain.

10. Brain fog. Many people suffer from brain fog without even knowing it. The symptoms sneak up on them, and the low energy, forgetfulness, apathy, mood swings, confusion, and restless nights become the “new normal.” They may chalk it up to hormones, aging, or busy-ness.

But having a healthy gut is intrinsically tied to having a healthy, alert brain. For example, almost 95 percent of serotonin–the “happy” chemical–is created in the gut–one example of why the gut is now being called the “second brain.”

The same gut processes are also responsible for huge percentages of tryptophan and melatonin, neurotransmitters that regulate the sleep/wake cycle, oxytocin (the “love” hormone), and hormones regulating appetite and metabolism.

A leaky, inflamed gut biome can’t produce these essential chemicals, resulting in brain fog (and worse).

How do you develop leaky gut?

Intestinal permeability is regulated by zonulin, a protein only discovered recently, in 2000. This protein monitors the tight junctions that allow very small molecules to enter the bloodstream, while keeping the larger ones locked within the intestine.

When too much zonulin is present, these junctions loosen, and leaky gut ensues.12

But what creates too much zonulin? The research is new and ongoing, but one definitive cause is gliadin, a protein found in gluten from wheat and other cereal grains. (There are many gluten proteins, and gliadin is just one of them.)

Other known causes that trigger zonulin include the overgrowth of candida albicans, a yeast that normally lives in the intestines, and parasitic infections.

Making the Leaky Gut Diagnosis

There is a test you can take that will help determine if you have leaky gut. Called the “Intestinal Permeability Test,” it measures the ability of two sugar molecules to go through the digestive lining—mannitol and lactulose.

If you’d rather steer clear of labs and medical prescriptions, you can change your diet to see if your symptoms improve, beginning with a science-based, effective detox program that includes an elimination phase to check for food triggers.

I also believe that after correcting your gut issues, a bi-annual detox is one of the best ways you can prevent re-occurrence.

How to Heal A Leaky Gut

The good news is: You can heal your gut by changing your diet, reducing stress and balancing your intestinal bacteria.

Eliminate the foods you know you’re sensitive to, plus a few more that are common triggers: sugar, processed food, and food containing soy, gluten, dairy, or any GMO ingredients.

Make organic greens, veggies, and fruit your main fare. Get as many different colors in your daily diet as possible, to get a wide range of bioflavonoids, polyphenols, and fiber.

Eat healthy, anti-inflammatory omega-3 fats like organic coconut oil, olive oil, and sprouted flax.

Take a high-quality, broad-spectrum probiotic with at least 15 strains, a good prebiotic, and digestive enzymes.

Add bone broth to your diet, for its naturally healing collagen and proteins.

Use cleansing herbs like grape seed extract and black walnut to clear out bad bacteria and yeast, and strong natural anti-inflammatories like curcumin (the active ingredient in turmeric).

Remember, too, that stress plays a fundamental role in the development of leaky gut. While your improving your diet, make time in your schedule for caring for yourself.

Take time to do the things you really love and find relaxing. If you haven’t tried healing activities such as yoga, meditation, and walking in nature—now may be the time to experiment. Find something that brings you joy and make it a point to spend even a little bit of time doing it every day.

And, of course, don’t forget to drink your daily green smoothie!

–Robyn Openshaw, MSW, is the bestselling author of The Green Smoothies Diet, 12 Steps to Whole Foods, and 2017’s #1 Amazon Bestseller and USA Today Bestseller, Vibe.

Learn more about how to make the journey painless, from the nutrient-scarce Standard American Diet, to a whole-foods diet, in her free video masterclass 12 Steps to Whole Foods.

  Resources

  Arrieta, M.C. et al. Alternation in Intestinal Permeability. Gut. 10/2006. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1856434/

  Javinen, KM et al. Intestinal permeability in children with food allergy on specific elimination diets. Pediatric Allergy Immunology. 09/2013. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23909601

  Vighi, G. Allergy and the Gastrointestinal System. Clinical & Experimental Immunology. 09/2008. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2515351/

  Qinghui, Mu. Leaky Gut as a Danger Signal for Autoimmune Diseases. Frontiers in Immunology. 05/2017. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5440529/ (#4)

  Grisanti, Ronald D.C. Leaky Gut: Can This Be Destroying Your Health? Functional Medicine University. https://www.functionalmedicineuniversity.com/public/Leaky-Gut.cfm

  Gecse, K. Leaky Gut in Patients with Diarrhea-Predominant Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Inactive Ulcerative Colitis. Digestion. 2012. https://www.karger.com/Article/Abstract/333083

  Kouki, Mori. Does the Gut Microbiota Trigger Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis? Discovery Medicine. 11/2012. http://www.discoverymedicine.com/Kouki-Mori/2012/11/27/does-the-gut-microbiota-trigger-hashimotos-thyroiditis/

  Myers, Amy M.D. The Gluten, Gut and Thyroid Connection. Amy Myers MD. https://www.amymyersmd.com/2015/07/the-gluten-gut-and-thyroid-connection/

  Rodriguez, Tori. Gut Bacteria May Exacerbate Depression. Scientific American. 11/2013.

 Moyer, Melinda. Gut Bacteria May Play a Role in Autism. Scientific American. 09/2014. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/gut-bacteria-may-play-a-role-in-autism/

 van Hemert, Saskia et al. Migraine Associated with Gastrointestinal Disorders: Review of the Literature and Clinical Implications. Frontiers in Neurology. 11/2014. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240046/ (#11

 Van der Walle, Christopher et al. Modulation of the Intestinal Tight Junctions Using Bacterial Enterotoxins. Science Direct. 2011. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/zonulin

 RadhaKrishna, Rao. Role of Glutamine in Protection of Intestinal Epithelial Tight Junctions. Journal of Epithelial Biological Pharmacology. 01/2012. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4369670/

 Sturniolo, G. C., Di Leo, V., Ferronato, A., D’Odorico, A., & D’Inca, R. (2001). Zinc supplementation tightens “leaky gut” in Crohn’s disease. Inflamm Bowel Dis, 7(2), 94-98.

 Rapin, Jean Robert. Possible Links between Intestinal Permeability and Food Processing. Clinics. 06/2010. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2898551/

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[remytest-blog]

I'm not blaming my mental illness, it's an explanation and it's not an excuse. I literally cannot control myself in a lot of things and I'm trying to make it better. The amount of mentally deblititating shit I've been through is enough that I'm barely functional. I can't hold jobs, I can't leave my house, and I look for every possible option to harm myself and it's something that I need to fix but I never get that far. I'm being sincere, I really am. I've been upset but it's been more than just you guys. Sixx and I talk, Kiev and I talk, Remy is hard to talk to a lot and you even more so. But I've got a lot of people I've been having issues with, such as 8bit, etc. Friens i've made outside ofyou guys that yesterday it stupidly came to a head.

It's not an excuse. My autism makes it extremely hard for me to understand a lot of things. I never knew that I turned subjects, and there were times where I would want to help but I wouldn't know what to say so I'll keep quiet and watch others speak and if I have something to add on i'll try. I know there are times I'll move on but usually I do it if I assume that whats done is done and it's appropriate. That's my autism, I don't _know_ and if I've been doing this I need to be spoken to. I don't hate you, I'm still at apoint where I'm scared that you hate me, that you don't want to rp with me.

I really do always want to rp with you I just don't know how with some of the muses I've picked.  I feel like I bother you compared to the others bcause you're always gushing about remy and kiev but when i've done stuff I get lackluster words in comparison to how you gush about the others so I get self conscious and my brain assumes well I'm just not good enough so crown's sugar coating it for me. It's stupid and wrong but it's what my brain does.

Myheads a stupid catastrophe and against it's not an excuse. Half of what you said last night was a huge surprise to me even. I was not aware of anyhting I was doing. And I bring up bee/dee because. idk.  I'm tying to gauge your guys response because I'm debating actually seeing about them joining the group.

And Idk. i haven't been spending much time with them till recently, and I get excited and want to share things with everyone. I. A lot of these issues are misunderstandings on my end, but I need tobe directly spoken to about a lot of them because i don't understand. I really dn't 90% of the time.  But like yesterday, Idk. i felt like I was being put out, because it was all of  you guys and no one had said a word to me.

I burst through TG because I wanted to be able to talk to you and Sixx about it, I always wanna rp with you guys and do stuff with you guysbut I'm awkward and Idk how to do anything at this point. And you not feeling -- Idk. I don't know how it came off that way, esp because I've been sitting here in the same position. Like you just aren't interested in RPing with me. I've been anxious ever since that thing with Camie, I felt like yes maybe you liked me but didn't really want to rp so you were putting on a front to make me feel better.

I love rping with you.

Half the time literally all I do is wait for replies from you and sixx and Remy. The reason I've been trying to show that I'm making friends is so that I stop clinging so hard because all I've done is cling to you guys.AlL i've done is sit there and be needy and want all of you guys attention because  I love you guys so much but my head gets fucking foggy and then this shit happens.

I want to get better and I want to fix things. And if you're still questioning my sincerity pelease don't because i don't apologize like this to anyone I don't give a flying fuck about I don't put that kind of energyand attention into people I don't careabout. It'd be one word shit or just a 'sorry about last night'. Not me attempting to make anything of it. I'm a fucked up person but I will not be disengenuous about things like this.

Crown I'm so fucking intimidated by you. I'm almost scared of you. I look up to you in so many ways that I've come to resent it a littlebecause I feel like I'm not good enough because I deseperate seek your approval and I rarely get any sort of response from you and it's frustrating. Crown you're like a literal senpai to me. I mean fuck I only remade that kirishima because I wanted so badly to try and rp closer to you.

And then boku became really triggering for me and I tried to branch out. I'm useless tomyself. I'm a walking suicide bomb. That's all I am. And the longer I have friends the worse I act because of that. because I don't expect people to stay around, because I start to act more like me which is a fucking underdeveloped sack ofshit that doens't understand what I'm doing half the time.

I really need the guidance of my friends when I do something wrong. I really, really do. Even if you just dm me about what I did like if I turn a subject or something. Please tell me. please I'm begging you because I reallydon'tfucking understand so much I realy don't. I'm begging you crown I don't mean to do this, I don't mean to do any of this and I really.

Ineed my friends help to try and be better and i'm pleaing with you and the others to help me get better on this front, on things that my therapist can't really touch yet. I'm fcuking crying like a scrub because this really is fucking important to me. Making a change, making a fix, being _sorry._ I only bring up my mentalillness because I want you to understand what's lead me to this response or thought process or whatever because maybe then i can try to fix it while i wait on medicines and things to fix me better.

I hate it but despite being haha super smart I'm like a fucking 15 y/o in a 24 y/o's body. mentally so much of me is still back in 9th grade before the torture incident that made it impossible for me to talkto people the way i need to. everything still feels so fresh  and i can't make my brains top thinking that it's all going to go back to the start.

I'm just.I' begging you to please understand me and that I'm meaning everything and I really do want to make a change. that everything i've done was not in that intention and the way i looked at things i didn't see them for what they were. like the vaguing. i posted it as a way to get my thoughts out because i was toiling in my own head, i never meant for it to hrt or BE a vague poost but thats exactly what it was. A vague post. the only person close enough to me is my damn father.

i dont know.pealse dont take this all as me trying to buy sympathy or god knows what else i'm really breaking down to the realest me i can. im not on the same level as any ofyou, i feel like a pretender in my ownbody, some broken down child trying to play with the grown ups and throwing temper tantrums because i don't know how to handle anything. all ido is care about you guys but  dont do it the right way or well and i just.i dont want pity but i want understanding and i want to try and make it better.

i dont want to be scared anymore. i dont want to be scared of my friends but i am. and because ofthat im pushing. and im just. i want to be normal. i wish i was normal, or even at least ony our guys levels of functioning. i wish i wasn't a fucking stupid moron  about everything. i wish i could just flip a switch and be a better person. that's why i cut,because in my head its like if i cut enough if i make mself bleed enough i'l bleed the bad away and it'll be okay i'll be better and i won't be so tainted for you guys and i'll be okay and it'll be all okay.

because to learn something when i did something wrong i was always punished and i can't get past it still i just can't. and now no one eventells me when i do something wrong and i just want to know so i can fix it. thats all. every lastbit of this is meaningful. itsall serious its all me. imbaring myself as much as i can and im trying not to make excuses i just dont understand so much i can't comprehend i can't i can't i can't.

i'm sorry crown i'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry. it just sounds like more excuses but it's not i just want to explain i just want to explain m head because everything is hard and i never know when i do something wrong until it's too late.