#cause I’ve historically had a lot of tragedy around my birthday

[flightlessangelwings]

It’s my birthday

[mirrorballls]

* madison bailey, cis woman + she/her | you know malia serrano, right? they’re twenty, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, twelve years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 20 something by sza like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that curly hair precariously tied back with an old bandana, never quite contained, little tattered diary locked shut with care, roots buried deep in the sand, a security blanket by the sea thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is december 2nd, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered.

last one i promise.

ok so i. am going to be honest. i have a worm’s brain so i’m going to promise i will message back everyone i’ve left hanging. i love making as much work as possible for myself which is made evident by this being my sixth muse <3

basics.

full name:  malia alexis serrano. birthday:  december 2, 2000. big three:  sagittarius sun. cancer moon. libra rising. sexuality:  bisexual. occupation:  cook at cutie pie’s. neighborhood: lives in her childhood home in delphinus heights.

bio.

malia is an aspiring cook and has a ratatouille style backstory of having a lifelong love and passion for food, so i’m going to issue a general food tw. here up front, for mentions of her emotional attachement to cooking and food, just in case.

death tw.  malia grew up the absolute center of her father’s world. her mother passed away when she was a toddler, before malia even got to know her, and her father took this as a call to action: he was all his daughter had, and he was determined to make sure that was more than enough. and it was.  while there’ll always be part of malia that’s disappointed she’d never had the mother-daughter experience so many of her friends did, she had her dad, who cared about her more than anyone should be allowed to care about a person, and that was enough.

so,  while the start of her life was impacted by a sense of tragedy, for the most part, her childhood was idyllic. when she was eight, she moved in an apartment in delphinus heights that was full with love and music and food ----  lots and lots of food. her father was a chef and, for most of her life, the owner of what he swore up and down was irving’s first and only truly authentic italian restaurant, terra & mare. being able to open the restaurant is what brought them to irving in the first place. overall, food was a huge part of their household: it was the job that kept the lights on, little treats for breakfast and dessert were a love language, and cooking dinner together every night was their daily routine. it’s one of her favorite childhood memories, and something that definitely left an impression on her.

her father had no problem letting her pitch in around the restaurant. she started waitressing when she was fourteen and after a few years of putting her time in upfront, he let her back into the kitchen with the big dogs. she did mostly prepwork, but she loved the electricity of the kitchen: getting to hear orders come in, the little dance they all did to make do with what limited space they had, and watching plates go out, a little work of collective art just waiting to be eaten. she wanted to carry on the family business, step up into her father’s footsteps as head chef one day. she wanted to keep the feeling of being apart of that kitchen team forever.

in her personal life, things kept that magical tone, for the most part. because she was the apple of her father’s eye, he tried to shelter her from as much as possible. thorough high school, she was just a fun, nice person to be around because she was just a genuinely very happy person. the biggest rebellion she had was the week her father first floated the idea of dating again past her, because she was very protective of their little thing, but in the end, they worked it out and within a few years she ended up with a step-mom she gets along just fine with. 

but one day, all that magic fun idealism had to end. her junior year of high school, as she started wide-eye scanning the pamphlets of any culinary school in a hundred mile radius, the rug was pulled out from under the serrano’s. her father had never mentioned it to her, as not to worry her, but the family had gone bankrupt trying to keep terra & mare afloat. the restaurant would close, college was likely not an option for her anymore, and her father had worked himself near ragged trying to keep it all afloat, only exasperating issues he’d already had with a bad knee and high blood pressure.

all at once, malia’s world kind of came crashing in on her. she couldn’t hold it against her father, for the most part, because he was only trying to make what she had left of her childhood was carefree. but she wished she had a little warning for how abrupt the rug would be pulled out from under her feet, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t help anything to hold it against him. 

since she graduated, it’s just kind of been a game of putting her nose to the grindstone and hoping for the best. she’s trying to get back to that sense of security she once had, but it’s hard. to go from this picture perfect, for what it was, life to a sense of panic that she’ll be helping her dad dig himself out of this hole for a while, putting her dreams on hold in the long run, has been an adjustment.

instead of going off to school, she started working as many hours as she can at cutie pie’s and taking odd jobs here and there to try and pull it together. she’s still got her big plans: in a perfect world, one day, she’ll bring back terra & mare, but she’ll settle for any kitchen that allows her to play around a little more than burgers and fries.

connections

malia is an advocate for the gig economy. please fucking hire her. yardwork, babysitting, helping you clean your closet, it’s well known she’s down to just about anything (dont be gross.) for a decent rate.

besties!!! i imagine malia to be a historically really social person who’d have accumulated plenty of friends in her lifetime in irving.

maybe a step-sibling?? if u could see ur muses step-dad being an older italian-american gentleman who will not shut up about how much he hates fast casual dining, perhaps he’s the guy for u

im so bad at listing these out but. like i said i’m going to make a whole day of responding to plotting messages and getting things in place not just for my new muses but the old ones we are going to get some plotting done okay go team irvinghq

[one-single-incendiary-moment]

You ever have one of those days where you just exist?It’s not good. It’s not bad. You don’t have any extreme emotions about anything. It feels like you’re waiting on something, but you don’t have any idea what that could be? It’s like you’ve pulled yourself out of the hustle and bustle and secluded into a realm of calm, but not relaxing calm just like everything is muffled?

I had one of those days today. My anxiety say at a steady 3 and my thoughts drifted easily from one task to another. But I was never truly focused, like in the back of my mind I was waiting for something to happen, some shoe to drop or some bubble to finally blow.

I don’t know if today was good or bad. I’ve felt close to crying but not shed a tear. I’ve felt close to laughing but not let out a noise. I’ve sat with people I love and felt their presence but not held them the way I should. I’ve spent time alone and with friends. I’ve spoken to my family about things and causes near and dear to my heart. But I haven’t felt the passion I know I have.

It’s the Eve of change for my country. And I know that a new man leading will not change everything. That a woman in the second highest office in this nation will not miraculously change the hearts of its people. I know that the change has been hard fought for and that it will always be a work in progress.

For me. Today has felt like Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve, and the night before major surgery rolled into one. Great anticipation of what is to come. A new president and precedent for this nation. A sigh of relief to come with the promise of good news and a brighter future. A quiet anxiety about what might happen in the coming days. Fear for relationships I have gained through this process that have not been tested in peace times.

I look to the future and hope for change. Hope for a light that I can see on the horizon, and hope that that light is the sun after years of darkness and not a fire that will cleanse as it burns. I’m letting go of a lot on the coming weeks and that is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am gaining so much more for myself.

This post is for me. To remind me how this day felt. To put into perspective how far we have come from the joy I felt five years ago when I held my girlfriends hand walking down the street screaming that marriage equality was a right. How far we have come from the darkness of three years ago when I held myself tight as I watched yet another mass shooting happen as it felt so far away but so close to home.

How far we have come from a year ago when I was championing another female running for the Democratic nomination and felt a sense of urgency and resilience steel itself in me. Or less than a year ago when I was sitting alone on my birthday with a single serving cake I had bought for myself because we had gone into lockdown from a global pandemic a week before I turned 30 so all the plans and friends that were made to celebrate were turned upside down without the time or emotional effort to do anything about it.

How far we have come from a month ago when I kissed this woman who has turned my world upside down and caused me to think about more than the next few weeks or months but made me see that I might have a future that’s worth sticking around for.

How far we have come from two weeks ago when I say on a zoom call with all of my colleagues alone in our homes in silence as we watched an armed group of domestic terrorists enter the nation’s capital and all we could do was look at eachother through a computer screen and give an electronic comfort to one another.

This year has been hard. These last four years have been devistating. My short life has been filled with ‘historical events’ and personal tragedy that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. But I’m still here.

Sitting alone, waiting for what comes next, hoping that whatever does will at least be calm. Today has taught me that calm isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it’s just what you need to think, and breathe.

[mainexiii]

Always Be With You Forever Day6 Young K x OC

“Soo hyun came back to Korea to see her family, it's been 5 years since she went to the U.S to study, as she stepped her feet in Korea, memories came flooding back, will she be able to forget the tragedy that almost cost her life and killed her boyfriend or a miracle will happen?“ Also posted in AO3 = Mainexiii

also.. im lazy asf so i did not prood read all of this, hence, a lot of grammatical errors coz English is not my primary language. 

I’m having this strange feeling when I walk out on the arrival area at the airport, Jinnie my younger sister waving at her hands rapidly as if I can not even see her, I smile at her and waves back. “Soo hyun! Woah, I really missed you”, teary eyed she hug me tight and kiss my right cheek. “ yuck! You just smudged your lipstick on me, come on!” we laughed and went out of the airport, I was wiping my cheek when Jinnie asked a lot of things about my 5 year vacation in the U.S, well, it’s not just a vacation, I barely lived there during my college years and never came back to Korea.. I did not answer her question and just continue to walked until we reach her car, the both of us are silent the trip to my house, it’s not easy to talk about what happened years ago, it’s too hard to recall my memories that I’ve kept hidden inside my brain just to survive. “Jinnie-ya..can we please not talk about the past? I’m still not ready okay? Please..for me?” you gaze at her direction at holds her other hand and squeeze it. She heaved a sigh and squeeze back my hand. “ Okay.. you know.. after all these years without contact from us and your friends, one of these days you’ll find out about something and you have to be prepare for it”. I was confused about what she’s talking about and just shrugged it off. “ Wait.. is mom setting up a man for me to marry?, if that what it is.. then drop me off right now” I giggled but Jinnie is damn serious right now. “I hope so tho, but unfortunately that not it. I want you to stay strong, okay? She smiled and opened the radio. I panicked at her sudden action “Turn it off!” I screamed at her and she immediately turned off the radio. Jinnie apologized and stopped the car, Jinnie tries to calmed me down by caressing my back, took a deep breath and fix my hair and make up,I don’t want to let my mom see me like this, still a mess after all these years away from home. I face Jinnie and smiled, “I’m fine, Jinnie .. I’m sorry for startling you, I know all for you are worried about me and I’m sorry for everything, I hope you understand what I’ve through. Jinnie hugged me tightly and smiled and gave me an understanding nod. I'm meeting my family at the province with takes three hours of driving, I went by so familiar places and I feel that my heart’s going to burts with all these happy and sad memories with him.

8 years ago when I met Young hoon, everybody calls him brian. We went to the same high school and I was a transferee, he was the class president and he was assigned to help me everything to adjust to the new school, he took me a tour around the whole campus and introduced to different clubs, he was very helpful and nice, obviously the whole class loves him. I was bullied once when I was on my way to home on my first day of class, the kids who seemed to be rebels are ganging up on me , they took my wallet and ripped my school bag thinking they’ll find anything worth to steal, I was frozen walking the whole time and a girl from my class pat me at my back “ Hey, is this yours?” she turned over my lost items including my money, the only thing I did was hugged her and cry. She laughs and hold both of my shoulder, “It’s okay! I already took care of those bitches, they wont bother you anymore” I nod still crying. “Stop crying will you!” she offered her hand and introduced herself, “ I’m Hana, and you must be Soo hyun right?” confused, i looked up at her cause she’s quite tall “how did you know me?” I asked, “ Girl, we’re on the same class!” she replied, “ Oh, I did’nt notice you” doubting that she’s lying. “Brian gave you a tour around the campus?” she asked as we start walking outside the skirts where the bitches brought me, I didn’t even know this place, i felt my cheeks hotness and touch them, I smiled at the thought of Brian, he’s tall, handsome and I’ll figure out the rest, I was smiling the entire time when Hana confronts me, “Yah! don’t tell me you like Brian too?” she stopped facing me crossed arms, what the hell? I’m having a rival here already?! I stare at her her blankly, “ So what? You like him too don’t you? I gave her a question look, “ Bitch no! Brian’s my first cousin so don’t worry, I smiled at her reply and continues to walked when I saw my parent’s car near our apartment. “oh my parent’s already here” I glanced at her and pointed our apartment, “ I lived there!” I smiled at her took her hand, “ I’ll introduced you to my parents sometime” she smiled and shake my hand, “okay sure, but to tell you honestly, Brian has alot of admirers so good luck my friend..” she laughs and I slapped her back. She fakes a pain and laugh again seeing my red face, “ that’s not it,! I don’t like him at all! “ we we’re laughing and my parents called me to go up now, I wave at them and says thanks to my new found friend.

We arrived at the the province and my whole family welcomes me outside the house. Mom walks towards me as I opened the car door and hugs me tightly, I didn’t know I was crying until she wipes my tears, “Thank you for coming back” mom whispers while crying, seeing my mom, dad and two other siblings in front of me wont let me stop crying , I missed them so much that it hurts, everything hurts. We went inside and talk about everything excluding him. The day went by so fast I forgot I'm jet-lagged, mom prepared me a tea to help me sleep. I just want to take a rest now, I hope I’ll dream of him again, that’s the only thing that keeps me reminding of his face, I wished every single day to see him even in my dreams only, I missed him so much I think I will never moved on.

I woke up and look at the time on my phone, it’s already 9 am and I’m so freaking hungry. I climb out of my bed and I noticed a wedding invitation card at my bedside table, I open it and sees the fancy gold emboss font “Kang Hana and Park Sungjin” wow, how did she even know I’m back.”They did really end up together huh,” you smiled and recall little memories with them. I did not open the entire invitation since I don’t have the guts to see them. I took a shower, letting the water run down my body and close the clog to let the water full up the bath tub, I closed my eyes and recall the memories with him, I have to be strong, it’s been 5 years and I just cant accept the fact that he’s gone, I tried dating during my college years but none of them worked out.

After a year of being friends with Brian I decide to make the first move, it’s our last year in high school and I don’t wanna missed the opportunity, I know there’s something going on between us, but we just keep it casual, we’ve spent a lot of time together, holding hands, bus trips while holding hands, eat at cafe’s holding hands, watch busking holding hands and more holding hands, that’s it. We we’re contented about us just like that. We exchange stories about everything at our school’s rooftop. We wants to be a singer someday, play with a band, he’s good at guitars, basses, he was already a trainee at a company so most of his time are just in school, us going out and training, he rarely sees his family since he have been living in the dorm with his soon to be members. It’s fun spending our youth just like that. When I got the courage to ask him out, he already plans something, he brought me to the roof top and picnic basket, he let me sit down and runs at the back of the corner of the roof top to get his guitar, I was so excited I cant stop smiling all the time, he tuned his guitar and smiles at me widely, that the best thing that I liked about him, his smile that can lit up a dark world. He started singing one of his original songs, I listened at him looked him in the face and mouth “ I like you”, he stopped singing and walk towards me giving me a peck on the lips, I squeel covering my whole flushed cheeks. We spent the whole afternoon talking about our future and to travel around the whole world, Brian loves travelling as much as I do, we planned to go to Busan, Daegu and Jeju Island after our graduation. It’s the last day of our graduation and made our first trip to Busan, I was so excited spending my time with him, we ate and ate, went to the beaches, visit historical site. That feeling can never be replace by anyone. We’ve visit a lot of libraries around Seoul preparing for our college exam, he used to say that he loves me everyday, but I cant let out those words because I was unsure if it’s already love I am feeling for him,” it’s okay if you still don’t love me, as long as you let me love you, I’m okay with that” he smiled and hold my hand. It’s been 6 months since we had a trip outside Seoul, I was busy at school while Brian is busy preparing for their debut, Brian is amazing at multitasking, he went to school while practicing his bass skills, he’s so amazing at managing his study hours, practices and me. He always had a time for me, I mean everything, we eat breakfast together since my dorm is also close to his. Even when I’m sick, he can still take care of me, and that’s when I realized that I have loved him all this time, unsure of the feeling .. I shook the bad thoughts away and said my first I love you on his birthday, He keep on jumping and took me by his arms, hugging tightly. He kissed me passionately and I feel my hot cheeks probably flaring at this new feeling, he pulls away and widely smiled at me, “ We should go now” he says holding my hand leading me down stairs and went outside, “ oh wait, my gift for you” I hand him the box containing a couple dream bracelet. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You greeted him again with a hug and attached the bracelet on his right wrist. “ Thank you, really,”he hugged me tightly, he love giving tight hugs, his a hugger.

After our final exam, we had planned going to Jeju Island, just for one day since it’s expensive going there. I had pack my bag and prep up myself and called Brian, “ Bri, where are you now” I asked, looking around to see if I miss anything. “I just arrived downstairs, you coming down now?” he replied. “yeah, see you downstairs” I locked up my door went went downstairs.

We arrived at Jeju Island , the both of us feeling excited, we started to wander around , asked some locals what to ride to go to our accommodation, we took the bus that travels for 30 minutes to our place, we’re both excited as we planned the whole trip for months, we listened to some music on his ipod when I notice the sky is getting darker, I was nervous when it started raining heavily, the bus driver went on slowly to avoid accidents. The traffic light went red and the bus stopped, I hold Brians hand and lean on his shoulder, he felt the tension and my hands are shaking, “ You okay? Are you cold?” he ask with a worry look. I just nod and he brings his arms around my shoulder to pull me closer. The traffic light went green and as the bus driver starts to drive, I heard a loud bang! And I black out..

chapter2

I woke up feeling my whole body aches, mom rushes to hold my hand and asked if I was okay. She was crying while calling the doctors. I didn't know what's happening, I only remember Brian and I was on the bus and I blacked out. Brian and I was involved in an accident , fortunately... I was okay ,nothing serious happened but Brian,  he was comatose. I felt my whole world turns into darkness, i immediately went to Brians room and cried for hours.

Days gone by, weeks turns into months...

Brian still not awake, he's condition is not getting good and i blame myself for it. If it weren't for me.. He would've been laying for months in this awful room.

I was with him the entire time, i helped his family taking care of him, i rarely went to school and because of it. . . Im about to fail all my subjects due to absences .

I went to my school to inform that I will be taking a break and also informed Brian's school. I went back to the hospital and as I was about to enter Brian's room , I heard the doctor and Brian's parents talking about his condition.They decided to end Brian's life support.

My whole world shattered .

How can they do this to their own son? !

How can they take a life without taking chances!

This is not fair !

I burst into the room and beg for chances, to give Brian chance to live. I was crying while tugging his mom's coat,

" please don't do this ! I beg you ! Please .."

We we're both crying the whole time and she explained to me the consequences if we let Brian stay like that forever ..

" Soo-ya, we dont want Brian to suffer too, his condition is not getting good his body is so weak right now . I dont want my child to suffer like this .." I saw the sadness and sorrow in her eyes, the pain of watching his son getting weak.. I also can not stand watching Brian suffer, but I can not let Brian lose his life without even trying. I won't .

But the decision is not mine to make.

They're going to end his life the day after. I have to be with him on that last day , my heart aches to much there's no tears left to cry .

My heart is too numb.

D-Day

Brian's whole family is waiting for me at the hospital, while me .. Still at home, crying my heart out, " I thought there's no tears left" I mumbled.

I get up packed my clothes and documents and book the earliest ticket and went straight to the airport.

Brian's mom keep on calling me but I ignored and sent everyone a message that I'm boarding bound to America and never to contact me. I turned off my phone and cried myself to sleep.

I just lost the love of my life and im going to a unfamiliar place and tried my best to forget him.. But how can i? When I left my heart and soul in Seoul .

I finished taking a shower and went outside to grab some brunch, I found a cafe that serves American brunch sets and went inside . I keep on thinking the wedding invitation, I miss my best friend so much and she might hate me forever if I wont go to her wedding, I don't know what to do anymore .

Someone sat infront of me, I raised my head and saw Hana crossing her arms while glaring at me . Im so shock I almost spit my food,  " Hana! " I get up and hug her . She hug me back and gave me a wide smile.

"I missed youu Soo-ya!!!! " we hugged tightly and sit down. " Soo! It's been years.." She said giving me a faint smile "I know.. It's been years and I missed you too,  and I'm sorry Hana ..for everything"

"I understand you Soo, I know the pain that you went through but it's not worth it,  you made yourself a mess,  after all these years, no one knows where on America are you, you wont let us comfort you, you completely shut us down in your life.. And im telling you Soo, all those tears .. It's not worth it."

The pain that i've felt all those years.. I know, i did not help myself overcoming it. It was so overwhelming i kept myself busy working and studying, just to forget Brian .

But it did not help, because at the end of the day.. Brian is the only one who i think of. My love for Brian is irreplaceable. I blame myself everyday until my heart don't let any people inside it.

"It's not worth it Soo, it's the time for you to moved on and be happy, because it's not your fault okay?" I tried to remain calm for a few seconds, i wont let my tears be visible for this is the day that i have to let my old self go and open a new door and let people inside it. I take Hana's hand and squeeze it "Thank you Hana, i'll try my very best"

We went outside the cafe and walk towards the parking lot, she have to run some errands for her wedding tomorrow and bid goodbye as she went inside her car.

As I was going to the opposite direction, Hana's car stopped beside me she roll down her window. "Soo! I have to tell you something tomorrow, please come okay?! It's very important and you deserve to know it, please come okay?" She said and I answer her with a smile and nod and . She smiled back and drive away.

I gather my thoughts about everything, it's time for me to moved on and be happy again it's been years and there's too many people that i've pushed away. I shouldn't let myself be forever like this, it's time to say goodbye to Brian.

It's Hana's wedding day at 12pm and there's still a lot of time for me to visit Brian's grave. But.. I dont know where he was buried. I'll just ask Hana later after the wedding.

I arrive at the wedding hall and went to the bride's room. Hana was talking a picture with my high school friends and i feel so guilty losing contacts with them, Hana notices me as well as my H.S friends, their faces look shocked to see me and turns into an apologetic smile, I composed myself and greet them warmly, they hug me tightly and atleast i felt that they really miss me.

I turn my attention to Hana and praised her with compliments, the girls and we're catching up when the Host is announcing to start the wedding, we went out of the room and went to our table. As the wedding starts , I wander if im seeing familiar faces at the event and my eyes landed on Brian's mom, she was looking at me and give me a warm smile and a nod, i smile back and my heart skip a beat seeing her, it was so nerve wrecking... I always feel so attached at Brian's mother, during my stay at the hospital she also takes care of me when my mom is not around, we share stories about Brian and our trips and i felt her happiness as we talk about Brian.. I shrugged memories away. On the middle of the wedding the announcer says that there will be a surprise perfomance of a band called Day6, I looked at Hana and her face turned pale while she look at me, I'm confused at the sudden reaction and I looked at my friends , seeing their faces the same reaction as Hana while looking at me, suddenly i feel nervous and ask what is happening. They can not answer me and just keep silent when another stage appear and there i saw a familiar man with four more people each holding their instruments, the band starts singing when the man holding a bass put it down and went in the middle of the stage and hug Hana while singing, I stand up to see a clearer view and i froze .

No way this is happening, i was still frozen when the man singing averts his eyes on me, i recognized the same eyes, nose and lips, it's Brian. It's Brian! How is this possible? He's dead! Brian..is dead. My tears started to fall and notice Brian's reaction, he give me a small smile and finished singing. My kness are weak and i grip the table to lean on, my friends help me to sit down, and tries to calm me.

How can i calm when the man i grieve for years is alive?! I can not gather my thoughts my mind went blank as i was about to leave the venue .. Someone stop me by holding my arm, i face that person and my heart shatters to see him this close to me. I just let my self cry as he holds both my shoulder , the overwhelming feeling makes me unconscious and I blacked out. Again.

Chapter 3

I woke up hearing different voices , i open my eyes and saw Hana still in her wedding dress.

"GOD SOO! YOU'RE AWAKE! she hugs me tightly and cry.

It wasnt a dream..

Hana explained everything , They we're supposed to end Brian's suffering on the day that i left, but Brian's mom change her mind and give another chance for Brian to wake up, they keep on calling me to tell me the news but i already went abroad. After a month of intensive prayers a miracle happened and Brian woke up. Yet they still cant reach me. After months on theraphy, Brian decided to went after me on America but i  never told them where i live even my family didn't know. Brian eventually became busy because of training and catching up homeworks for school, and tried to move on from me too. He debut in a band two years ago and became known globally, which ofcourse I did'nt know because I shut myself from the universe...

My mind went blank,  all those pain and rejection and guilt , those feelings that ruined me..i cried and cried until i calmed down, Hana left me in the hotel room and went back to the venue. I lay down overthinking about Brian, how do i react when i see him again, that..if he still wants to see me ,but i want to see him badly my heart aches for him,  he probably hate me for leaving him. I hate my self too. All these years of heart break, i feel so pathetic. I heard  knocks on the door, i went down the bed and open the door...and Brian stands there, I took a step backwards as he went inside and lock the door. I can only hear our breathing standing face to face ,no one tries to speak.

We just stare at each other,when he took a step forward and holds my hand. The moment our skin touches all the memories with him came flashing back and all i can do is cry. He pulls me in a tight hug as i sob inside his arms. I keep on crying on his shirt as i feel the warm liquid on my head, i look up at him and saw him crying too. We cried in each others arms, we lay down the bed, he hugs me closer and stroke my hair still crying. No talking just tight hugs.

Chapter 4 Brian’s POV

After the accident i woke up in the hospital and never saw soo hyun again.. She went away unknowingly what happend to me , she thinks IM DEAD. We can not contact her phone, email we didnt even know her address in the states. She shut everyone down. Occationaly she sent letters to her family without the return address. That's the only communication that they have. She never came back.

I tried hard to finished my studies and training and finally i debuted with my band. I still cant forget her i think i will never forget her , she took my heart with her and i never dated anyone else , my friends even think im gay . Everything reminds me of her, my dream bracelet, the rooftop, the shirts she gave me on special occations, our favorite restaurant, she's everywhere. I cried so many sleepless nights thinking about her, i miss her so damn much . And eventually i set aside my feelings and focused on my work and studies ,and i graduate finally, i think of her every single day, so many what if's, she might be happy right now, she must've moved on . Thinking about her with another man makes my heart beats faster, i should be with her, she should be with me celebrating life. But she never came back.

It's Hana's wedding day, im not supposed to be at her wedding because of conflict of schedules but it was cancelled so i went and surprised her.

But i was the one whose surprise.

Soo hyun, the love of my life, is here.

We made eye contact, i can see her eyes full confusion, hurt, mixed emotions. I smile at her and she rushed to the door. I chase her calling her name and grab her arms, she froze standing looking at me and cry. As i was gonna hug her she collapsed.

I went to her room after Hana explained everything, she cried and cried as I hug her tightly . God i missed her so much i cried along with her, we didnt talk and i just let her cry her heart out. She fell asleep still sobbing. I watch her intently, i still cant believe it's her, i never thought she's coming back into my life again, she must've felt guilty about the accident she blamed herself all these years thinking that i was dead.  

"I'm sorry you went all through that" I stroked her hair, planting small kisses, i hug her tightly and she open her eyes, looking at me without blinking ,intently fixed her gaze on me, i smile at her and touch her cheeks..

"It's not a dream right?" She kissed my hand

"No babe, i'm real and alive" I cupped her cheeks and trails small kisses on her face and gently kiss her lips.

"I think it's time for us to be happy, you should let go all the burdens, let's start a brand new chapter of our life,okay? I missed you babe, i missed you a lot" i kissed her again this time passionately to let her feel safe and that im here with her.

" I love you Bri, thank you for being alive"

" I love you more Soo, thank you for coming back"

[britneyshakespeare]

1, 2, 4, 15, and 16 for the 'identity asks'.

Thanks Helena! Hope you’re having a wonderful expedition

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

i’ve actually been thinking of a similar concept in my mind a lot lately, for whatever reason. pieces of art/media that i admire a lot, and am always thinking about at least subconsciously

lady windermere’s fan and the ballad of reading gaol by oscar wilde

sense and sensibility by jane austen

a midsummer night’s dream by william shakespeare (and also probably the tempest if we’re being fair)

buffy the vampire slayer (1997-2003) and its spin-off angel (1999-2004)

the spider-man trilogy by sam raimi (2002-2007)

any poem collected in w. b. yeats’ 1921 volume michael robartes and the dancer

the white album by the beatles (and also probably revolver)

absolutely anything ever written by emily dickinson

rebel without a cause dir. nicholas ray

anything ever recorded by marianne faithfull

brian jones. just his life itself was art.

a fever you can’t sweat out and pretty. odd. by panic! at the disco

i probably should’ve stopped before i got to #13 but i could go on. a bunch of various albums and books and plays and movies that have had an impact on me. things i could passionately go off about at any moment.

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

i think the reason i consider shakespeare, dickinson, and wilde as my favorite writers (in english at least) is because there’s sort of an affinity i’ve had for each of them at one point or another. shakespeare’s very layered and archaic, metaphoric writing style always resonated with me. when i read shakespeare i think “this is what i’d like to write if i could live up to my full potential as a writer.” with dickinson, i have too much in common, biographically, not to relate to her. and i love her simplicity and use of metaphor so much. she really was a wonderful amateur, in such an inspiring way. her plain, uncut, unedited poems are just “primitive” as some critics have noted, in such a pure, uncut poetical energy sort of sense. and with wilde, what can i say there? probably the first “serious” writer i can say i discovered on my own (technically i discovered dickinson by myself in fifth grade through the book feathers by jacqueline woodson, and the poem stuck with me, but i just didn’t connect to her so much at that age) when i was a sophomore in high school. and i just felt so much oneness with the contradictory, constantly ironic and paradoxical wit of his. i don’t really know what i could say i have in common with oscar wilde, personally, but whenever i read his works they just feel instantly relatable. 

4. do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

i do, i do like my name. although i don’t necessarily know if i’d say it “fits” me. what name fits anyone, really?

“diana” always felt so pretty and elegant to me, which i am very much not. my dad wanted to name me jacqueline and call me jackie but my mom thought that sounded “hideous! and matt, we’re not the kennedys!”

i like my last name, though. short and sweet, semi-common but not, like, smith common, and close to the beginning of the alphabet. before i knew i was aroace, i always thought if i got married, i’d keep my last name (and this goes back to when i was like, 10, so, way before i had any comprehension of any feminist reason to do so). and if i ever had kids, they’d all get my name.

15. five most influential books over your lifetime?

hmmm. i already named some with #1 but i’ll try and be a little different because this is a slightly different question.

feathers by jacqueline woodson, even though i haven’t read it since middle school at latest. and maybe also yankee girl by mary ann rodman. for some reason when i was in late elementary school i had this phase where i’d read all these historical fiction books about civil rights and racism. i don’t really know why! i was a little white girl in a 97% white suburban town of only a couple thousand people. with yankee girl it was because my friend read it, it was set in the 60s, and they made a bunch of references to the beatles which made me all excited. and then i just happened upon feathers the next year. but i think a first-person perspective through books, gave me a sort of understanding of american history as it affects people who are not me. that was good for me to read at that age. i went off too much about that.

the picture of dorian gray, probably. what can i say about wilde that i haven’t already said? hmm… i don’t know, but it’s a great novel.

spider-man comics in general, but especially the more human-centric storylines, behind the mask and all that. if i were to put one specific book it’d probably be death of the stacys with an honorable mention for the early 2000s miniseries spider-man: blue. but blue can’t really be read without the understanding of the death of the stacys. and also that was the first graphic novel i ever bought (well, it was a birthday present actually). but yes. the tragedy of gwen stacy especially is still a touchy subject for me.

american psycho by bret easton ellis. if for nothing else than i quote it (the novel and the superb movie adaptation directed by mary herron) with my sister constantly. but it really is top-notch 80s satire. if you haven’t read it, helena, i so recommend it. in many ways it’s a century-later update of the picture of dorian gray, but without the portrait and instead with constant psychological tumult. it’s gripping as hell.

hmmmm. this is hard. i probably answered too many for #1. i guess i’ll say the complete poems of w. b. yeats edited by richard finneran. it was one of the first volumes of poetry i ever bought for myself, i used to just read online or in the library. but it’s my constant companion, i bring it with me everywhere. and i knew a decent amount about poetry before yeats, but i still learned a lot from yeats. it was (and still often is) a challenge to get the most out of a yeats poem, but it’s always a reward to read and reread them.

16. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

god no! i don’t know what i WOULD be like in any other circumstance, but i’ve had way too extravagantly odd of a life to think this shit didn’t shape me into one extravagantly odd bitch. but in the personal tragedies department, i wouldn’t really change anything. i like who i am, scars and all.

but with basic background details, everybody in my dad’s family has the exact same sense of humor, myself included. i have way too many aunts and uncles and cousins on that side, most of whom i hardly know and only see a couple of times a year at most, but through circumstances recently i’ve been in contact with a few of them that i didn’t normally talk to growing up, and it’s just fucking uncanny. like, just imagine the kind of self-deprecating and absurd personal posts i make, but imagine them being regurgitated by dozens of people older than me around a thanksgiving table (or, a couple of large tables pushed together), and most of them are male. none of us take ourselves very seriously, and it’s quite the opposite on my mother’s side. i don’t think i resemble either of my parents much in temperament, but as far as the culture they both grew up in, my influences only get clearer and clearer every day.

identity ask………oh shit