#and losing Zero last week really hit me hard

[flightlessangelwings]

It’s my birthday

[acciocriativity]

-> | You keep distancing yourself | Ateez Reaction (Hyung Line)

Some could call selfsabotage, others could say is insecure attachament style, but maybe, you're just tired of fighting a losing battle.

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Ateez OT8 x gn! reader

WC: 2 k

N/A: This is my peace offering after vanishing for so long (please don't k word me)! I had this in my drafts for the longest time, but I only got enough motivation to finish it yesterday

Reblogs and comments are highly appreciated! Thank you so much for reading my work!

Kim Hongjoong (김홍중)

His kakaotalk notifications were non-existent these days.

None of the boys were good texters, and their group chat was silent since Seonghwa asked for something he didn’t remember anymore a while ago. So why did he keep glancing at his phone across the table when he should be working? You never answered whether you would like to come see him next month or not.

“Aish..”, he suddenly got up and walked left and right in the tiny studio, every now and then hitting one of the chairs and acting like it was their fault.

Was it really too forward? Maybe you just were not comfortable with the idea. But you two met 5 months ago and you were never afraid to get out of any situation that made you uncomfortable, so you could just say no, no hard feelings. There’s always a next opportunity, right? So why, why didn’t you just reply?

His phone lighted up. A new yellow notification appeared and he ran to grab it. The simple thought of you messing with any rational thoughts on his mind.

He felt stupid as he read it, then dropped the device on the table, too dejected to care about Mingi’s lost earphones.

Since when did he become so clingy? Maybe you were just busy now, yeah, that was it.

And he wasn’t wrong. You were doing the most to busy yourself so you would have a perfectly acceptable reason to not answer him at all.

Any college assignment you had a month to do was now was a top priority. The new hobby you wanted to try for a while? You just started it. You barely talked to your brother nowadays, but in the last two weeks, you visited his family a couple of times.

Why? You knew what you were doing in the first few days. You got attached too soon, fell deep into a hole and only realized the moment he asked you to watch his concert, ‘It’d mean the world if you come see me on tour next month’ it said. You recalled one of those deep conversations you had some random night the moment you read it.

“It’s kind of embarrassing, but not at the same time”, you remembered how he looked down when you asked about it, the blush on his cheeks gave him away. “It gives me so much strength and makes me want to work harder whenever important people come to see us”.

He also said how he treasured whenever important people in his life would support him that way. Even through a simple video call, you saw how his eyes shined as he giggled, only to change the subject. A part of you wished to feel how it was to have a support system like he does, but you never thought you would be included in that category for him. You did not even know if you want to or if you could deal with the pain that always comes with giving your heart to people and letting people in.

So you refused to think about it.

Park Seonghwa (박성화)

He cleaned his throat as he saw you coming towards him at one of the many small corridors of KQ Entertainment.

“It’s now or never, now or never, now-”

You barely glanced at him as you walked into one of the empty meeting rooms like it was previously agreed.

Lucky him, nobody saw the disheartening expression on his face or how he hesitated to push the door open. His confidence level went back to below zero and instead of an easy smile, he could barely manage a shy smile and an unnecessary formal bow as he came in, it wasn’t like you did not know each other.

So maybe this collaboration would not go as smooth as he let the others convince him it would, still, he could talk to you and, hopefully, get back to the simple relationship you both once had.

“Hello, Seonghwa-ssi”, you said in such an indifferent polite tone. It surprised him and yourself.

What hurt him most was the fake professional smile on your face. You were known for your authenticity and the worst poker face on earth, but you made the effort to pretend in front of him, like he was nothing more than an inconvenient stranger in an elevator. His heart felt heavy on his chest, he never had to make an effort to make you genuine laugh or smile, and now he realized how much he took that for granted back then.

You seemed perfectly fine in front of him, like it hasn’t been more than a month since your last conversation. But he still likes to believe he knows you better than that. And maybe he wishes you also can not be fooled by his brave facade.

“How have you been?”, the words fell out of his mouth before he could even blink.

You cleared your throat as you sat on one of the rolling chairs. “Been good, Hongjoong-ssi is a bit late. Can you confirm that he is coming soon, please?”

You pretended not to notice how he fumbled to grab his phone to send the text and instead, busied yourself to set up your laptop on the empty wood table. But you could not ignore how he was still standing like a lost child by the table.

“Are you going to grab some water before the meeting?”

“No, no, I’m… I’ll go to get some coffee, do you want it?”

You said no, so he took your perfect opportunity to get out and he left as quickly as he could with hurting his pride too much.

With his back to the wall beside the coffee machine, he sent more than 16 messages pleading Hongjoong to let go of their stupid plan and come as fast as he could to the meeting. Yet, he was left unanswered. The last sent message almost taunted him, it said “Just apologize for your stupid mistake and make things right by her”.

He knew he had to after he acted like an asshole, it was clear the moment he got home to be with his own thoughts, but the more he reflected on their plan, more he realized maybe this is why you waked away from him.

So he gathered his courage once again, but now to apologize for two things and leave you alone for good.

Jeong Yunho (정운호)

He watched as you giggled over some silly comment Wooyoung made a point to tell for the nth time. Yet, there you were, acting like it was the funniest thing in the world. Maybe he would react the same way if you stopped ignoring him for once that night.

“It’s getting hard to watch this”, Jongho mumbled under his breath as he stood up from the couch to refill two glass cups in their dorm’s kitchen, both for himself because only God knew how tiring was to hype up a miserable and stubborn friend.

Yunho did not notice the change beside him, but he did take note of your agitated state under his stare. He wished that could satisfy a selfish desire of satisfaction, but he felt nothing of that sort. Instead, his heart felt heavy with despair and unfulfilled need of your attention.

It felt silly to him at first, you two kissed after drinking a lot, so what? He was ready to let the past be the past and he thought you were on the same page. How stupid of him, he recognized it. Your relationship with him never went back to what it was, but it took him a while to notice he did not want that at all.

“C’mon, will you really let him suffer for the whole night?”, Wooyoung asked as he leaned into your side, ready to cuddle some more in part because he wanted to and in part because it was fun to see Yunho going insane over it.

You two been near the window for a while, enjoying the soft cold breeze of the night after a sunny day.

“You can’t deny it forever”, he said it in an annoying singing tone. “-ow, but you know I’m right”, he looked down to your hands dangerously close to his poor ribs, then grab them tight. “Ok, I get it, not talking about it”.

“Great, now let go”, you mumbled. “Let go, I’m not poking you”, you insisted trying to free yourself, only for him to intertwine your fingers.

“What if I don’t want to? Now, stand still”, he said as he leaned into your shoulder, taking the space like he was entitled to it.

Now, you were flabbergasted and defeated, because no matter what you do, you could not escape him on cuddle monster mode.

“Can we talk?”, you froze in place the moment you heard Yunho’s smooth deep voice right beside you. His gaze were focused on your face, yet you still made no move to acknowledge it.

“Give me my cuddle buddy back later, yeah?”

And just like that, the freaking traitor let go of you. You could see the mischievous light on Wooyoung’s eyes focused on your figure.

“There was no way to run away now”

That thought ran through yours, Yunho’s and Wooyoung’s mind. But you felt rage while Yunho felt hope.

“There’s nothing to talk about, wasn’t what you said?”.

You bumped into the traitor’s shoulder, then walked away.

Kang Yeosang (강여상)

Maybe you were some sort of a masochist or, maybe, you were plain stupid.

You’ve been friends with him for so freaking long, long enough that the few female friends that could still deal with your bullshit were exhausted of you and your ridiculous crush.

You clearly knew you were the latter, for some reason you thought you’d get over at some point or maybe he’d suddenly see the mysterious thing he was always looking for in you. None of those happened.

You stopped talking about him a little ago, maybe a month or two, and it was a good change to your friends’ ears. It was noticeable, but they gave you enough grace to not mention it. Little did they know, you were running from him like the plague as well.

Truth to be told, Yeosang did not notice it per se. He knew for sure something was going on after you declined his third attempt to make plans in less than two weeks. Why would he think you were lying to him at all? He thought you were sick and if you were felling that bad, of course he wouldn’t hesitate to agree with you, it would be better to meet up another day.

But then, two whole weeks with barely a peep from you? He missed your companionship in a way he did not know he could. You came into his life and little by little carved your space in his heart. But it was hard to put this feeling into words, he was not good with them in general, so you often had to read through the unfinished lines.

Now, he laid on his back watching the nothingness on the ceiling, yet his mind kept recalling the earlier conversation with San, if he could call his tongue tied moment a conversation.

“So what you gonna do?”

He could do nothing but stare wide eyed. Up until then, he did not think- no, he did not feel like he should do anything. You said through your actions many times already that you wished to be alone and as a friend, what else could he do but respect that?

But San was a hopeless romantic, and he wasn’t one to let things go so easily. Also, he wished the best for the two of you, in whatever way that may be even though Yeosang did not see those possibilities right in front of his nose.

“What should I do?”

“You have to figure it out on your own”

He did, he should.

He called you.

You didn’t pick up.

You were tired of being the one reading between the lines.

Tag list: @h3arteyes4mingi

[bronx-bomber87]

Hello my wonderful fandom :) Thank you for all your lovely comments on me being delayed. Not my usual M.O. but I definitely needed the extra time to process. I was GUTTED and absolutely wrecked. Poor D had to deal with my panic spiral for most of Wednesday. (love you lol) I'll be honest I'm still little shook up and sad. Kinda grateful for the 3 week break tbh between episodes. This was a gut punch I wasn't in the least expecting. Hoping we'll get a S7 announcement during this hiatus. *fingers crossed* Get it together ABC. This took me awhile to unpack emotionally so thank you all again for being so patient.

So I want to preface this post. There will be ZERO And I mean ZERO bashing of Tim in this review from me. Would appreciate that in comments as well. I love conversation you know I love comments. What I don't like is hate being spread. Also nothing on Eric either. I've also seen this which is utter madness. Don't touch our captain. Man loves this fandom so much. Deserves respect. If you came to this review for either of those things please promptly exit stage left. I mean that in the kindest way possible but I love Tim/Eric so it's a non starter with me.

I’ve never so deeply related with a character in all my life as I have with Tim Bradford. I’ll be dissecting this ep to best of my ability. I love both these characters so very much. Why I was knocked out for a couple days before could tackle this. I imagine my thoughts will change when I do my summer in depth one. When we have the rest of the season in pocket. I have to say this won't be mini at all. LOL So lets get rid of that concept right now ha I can't be mini with this ep. I am not brief so thanks for reading. Also hats off to Eric my god he was incredible in this episode. Melissa too killing me left, right and center you two. Let us get started.

6x06 Secret and Lies.

Poor Lucy looks like me when I’m stressed and drained af. Tamara asking how stressed she currently is? Lucy answering 19.....She looks like a 19 if not worse tbh. This is probably the most time they've spent apart since they got together. Basically living together at this point let's be honest. Other than 6x01 they haven't really spent time apart aside from that UC op in 5x21. *sigh*

Tamara asking if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy trying so hard to keep it together with her answer. My heart. What a wreck she is without Tim. Do love that we get to see her pin-up board btw. Good shot of her room we don’t usually get. That cupcake poster I love it so much. Although now it makes me sad...

Lucy asking what's wrong? Tamara telling her she wants to move out with some friends from school. Crap. Her moving is the last thing she needs…. But it's good for her even though the idea makes me sad. End of an era. Lucy is right she needs to live with people her own age. Doesn’t make it hurt less though. This is a ROUGH season for Lucy my god. The hits keep coming for our girl and I wanna hug her. Shield her somehow....

Lucy touching near her tattoo when she reaches Angela. (Mini gut punch.) I do love her coming to Angela about this. If there is anyone who knows Tim like she does it's Angela. Does help she finds his behavior alarming too. I mean of course she does. You can see the immediate worry. The empathy she has for Lucy is there but she holds her cards close in her advice. Telling her to trust him even though it's literally killing her. Not the council Lucy needed to hear or was looking for.

Lucy wanted more action than 'Just wait and trust him.' She has been trusting him but she’s so insanely worried. Going out of her mind with anxiety for her person. It's exuding out of of her and she looks like she wants to cry…Ugh me too Lucy. I’m an empath and an anxious one at that. I would be going out of my mind too…. Angela looks worried as hell though. Even though she isn't conveying that to Lucy at this point. Breaking my heart as she takes off from their convo. Because if she doesn't she'll lose it right then and there.

God I love Angela Lopez. First off well done on tracking him down. She's just a bad ass. I mean it's one of the reason's Lucy reached out to her tbh. Just gets into his car, drinking his soda, calling him out right away. I love her reasoning saying she can live off Wesley’s trust fund. Lmao. Doesn’t matter as much if she get's fired. 'Wine o'clock.' for her. Gotta love the confidence. I truly hope we get more Tim/Angela scenes the rest of this season. I always adore their dynamic.

Tim is sold on her reasoning and starts to explain the current situation he's trapped in. Angela taking it all in and assessing everything as he explains. Once Tim has succinctly summed up his current predicament Angela's reply is the best. 'I’m in.' lmao I love this woman. ‘I got your back boo.’ That she does. In more ways than he even realizes at this point.

Gotta commend Angela calling him out for walking away from Lucy. Not only that but his job to arrest a guy hasn’t thought of in a decade…. Ain’t no one better than her to be there to call him out his crap right now. Not only that but to really dig deep. To know this is far more than what he's sharing. This is why Angela is an incredible detective rooting things out like this. Saying this is more than just protecting Lucy. Her intuition is out of this world.

I mean she's not wrong. Lucy would understand if it was just about the benefits. She would be proud really. Thing is it's about protecting himself too. Which really just scratches the surface of why he is doing this. Tim knows he's caught even if he shrugs it off. She has him dead to rights and he knows it. 'I’m your BFF. I know you.' Ha it’s true whether you like it or not Timothy…Just like Lucy she has your number.

Angela giving him crap with how they're following Ray. Worried he isn't being smart about this. This is so unlike him to be this sloppy and unfocused. She was right he was tailing too close… Ray catches on to their tail quickly. When he scanned the vehicle made me so nervous. Doing it while he's taunting Tim. He's so detail oriented blows my mind Tim let that get by him. This SL gave me such MASSIVE anxiety as I watched it. Oh my lord.

The minute they get back to Angela's place she calls him out once again. Asking why he thinks this is ALL his fault? Tim shrugs it off and she refuses to take that as his final answer. Of course Angela was right there is far more to this story. Tim finally opens up to her about what happened. He had been leading his squadron for some time. Looking to move up to Sergeant.

The catch was he couldn’t be promoted if there was rampant criminality in his unit. Ray clearly was in the way of him moving up. Tim figured he could keep it within his unit if they went after him.. Oh Tim…. It was an unsanctioned mission too. Thinking if he could accomplish this would be easy fast track to his promotion.

Kills me to know he was there during the air strike ugh… Details missing from the last episode. The Humvee saved him and Mark but not his other men… I can't imagine what Tim felt in that moment. The immense amount of guilt laid on his soul from here on out. I mean it makes sense why he never left patrol before Lucy. The last time he tried to advance his career this happened. My broken boy.

Eric CRUSHES this scene. I wanna cry. My poor Timothy. He was more focused more on his career than his oath...Got two of his men killed. My damn heart. He’s so ashamed of himself. The way he points at himself when he says 'leadership.' I knew his military past would be dark but holy crap. I wanted more of his backstory and they delivered that in spades. What a gut punch this had to be for him. No doubt his men were loyal af to him. Would've followed him anywhere and did.

He carries leading those men to their deaths because they followed his leadership. Oof. That is quite the weight to keep on your soul. Also gives us insight to why he shoulders everything. Even when he doesn't have to. Punishing himself for past transgressions such as this. I'm sure when we get to the other side of this season, I will have an even deeper respect for the writers going into his backstory like this. Giving us even more insight to this man.

This hurts so good to get this kind of info. I have no doubt that’s why he shut Lucy out. The shame he feels is overwhelming. I totally get it. Nothing scarier than someone knowing your darkest secrets. Not only that but worrying they’ll think less of you due to it. Tim already struggles with self loathing. Been a theme for him his entire arc on this series. Something I've touched on a lot. This is truly bringing that to light in the most painful way.

We see Ray scanned Tim's car in order to gain access to it. To check his GPS to see where he's been. How he's been tracking him. When he scrolls down to Lucy's address. Made my stomach sink. Legit felt sick to my stomach....

I do love Lucy coming home and having Tamara there. Saying she ordered pizza for them. This is exactly what she needs. Do you really have to go Tamara? I wonder if she'll delay leaving now after this ep. There is a knock at the door and of course it's not the pizza. It's Ray. Hair's on the back of my neck stood up from the moment he entered that apt.

I know Melissa stated in her interview she was nervous about this scene. That she came off awkward in her anger. You are incorrect madam. Holy hell Lucy is a BAMF. Telling him the only call she's gonna make is for the ambulance. Because when she's done with him he's going to need it to wheel him out. Holds her ground like the confident bad ass we've all loved seeing her become.

Lucy calling him shaking and demanding where he was. Ooh lord hell fire coming with her through that front door. I love Angela grabbing Tamara to another room. Like let's go mom and dad are about to have a big blow out. Let's give them some space...

Tim asking if she's ok? Truly concerned but Lucy isn't having ANY of it. 'Do I look ok?' Damn no she doesn't....Ripping into him saying how that creep could've showed up when she wasn't there. Lucy is not wrong....Oh my lord I’ve never seen her so damn mad. She is RAGING at him and rightfully so. Her home was violated, Tamara was put in danger and threatened. All because Tim was trying to protect her. phew.

Tim FINALLY concedes to telling her something. It only seems to enrage her more. She is literally vibrating with anger in this scene with him. The more he tells her the more it doesn't explain why he left her in the dark. Lucy begging him to read her in. I mean she has earned that my love. ..Telling him to stop protecting her. Gah Tim is a deep loyalist who would protect anyone he loves even if it's not the right thing. His reply is a reflection of that.

'I can't. I won't.' He's so driven to keep her safe. His instinct is to protect her but doesn't see he's hurting her in the process. I knew she was going to be pissed he let Angela in and not her. But Tim was right she has a lot less to lose. Which doesn't seem pertinent in this moment...I do love her placing her hands on his when she also replies. 'I can't. I won't.'

Mirroring his words from moments ago. Just like he will never stop protecting her. Lucy will never stop fighting for him or longing to help him. That man is her entire world. The most important person in her life. It makes perfect sense she would help with this. Career be damned. I mean she risked her career to get him a shot at Metro. Of course she would do the same thing in order to shoulder his burden with him.

Love her standing her ground in this moment. Like damnit I love you and you are going to let me in. Whether you like it or not I am here and I'm going to help. If this wasn't a reflection of the communication problems that still painfully exist between them I don't know what is. I mean she tried to be patient and trust him. But honestly he needed this kick in the ass to let her in. Which is a problem. Lucy needs to be the first person he goes to. It shouldn't have to come to this. *sigh*

Their OP goes off without a hitch. Except Ray saying he was going to be an air strike on Tim's life.... God I had no idea as I was watching that scene how true it would be. Tim gets his interview and lies to protect Angela and Lucy. While keeping his own job intact as well. Also welcome back to Jackson’s dad. Hello there Percy. This is not how I wanted to see him again.

But he is IA him returning was never gonna be a good thing tbh in a post Jackson world. Regardless it was nice to see him again. The scene is Grey's office is ROUGH. Never seen Wade so disappointed in Tim. It hurts to watch. Just like this entire gut punch of an episode. Tim is just standing there in utter shame of everything. Ashamed Wade is looking at him like this.

Kills me Grey has to inform Pine of what he did. It makes sense he has to but damn that sucks. The amount of respect Tim has for Wade is immense. To watch him tear Tim apart and just stand there like a puppy being scolded hurts my soul. Especially when he tries to fight Pine knowing. Just dismissing him without further comment or argument...

So I will say this and it's not at all fair to Lucy that I thought this I'm sure. But I felt like if there was gonna be a breakup it would be coming from her. Not Tim in this moment. That's the part of this moment that really knocked the wind out of me. She had every damn right to be the one too btw. Instead she is there waiting for him with open arms. Honestly I took a breath for the first time this entire episode when she welcomed him in.

Wrapping him up in her arms. Encasing him, rubbing his back, her fingers in his hair. Gently cradling him against her. I thought ok maybe we'll be alright. Since Lucy isn't nearly as angry as she was earlier. Maybe they can get through this together. Cause she loved on him regardless of what happened. The unconditional love she has for this man blows me away. I honestly thought with her loving on him maybe they'd make it out. That they’d work through it together.

Tim looks so very defeated. On the verge of an actual breakdown as he explains that he lied about everything. Saying it saved his job...protected Angela and her. It doesn't seem like enough of a win to him. He looks so very destroyed and this is just the beginning of his downward spiral.

Lucy is doing everything to be his rock in this moment. To assuage him of his guilt… Most vulnerable ever seen Tim *pre tears*…. Lucy telling him it was an impossible situation. She would've done the same thing. It’s so very clear she was willing to work through this. To build them back to where they were before he got that phone call. Everything Lucy was in this scene represented her unconditional love for him. Tim is just too destroyed at the moment to see it….Also for him to accept it. It's so hard to truly accept unconditional love if you've never had it before. To truly trust in it.

Lucy is watching him spiral out of control. The way he's talking about himself with such loathing. How she never would've been in a place where she put her self interest over her team like him. She is trying her damndest to right his wrong. But Tim is having none of it. It pains me to see it... Pains Lucy too. It's the way she grabs onto him while he continues his verbal self flogging that get's me.

Trying to ground him in this moment with her touch. Bring him back to her. Something that has worked so well in the past. Sadly not having the intended affect this time around. Tim is too damn gone at this point. He feels he’s betrayed everything he thought he was. THOUGHT he was. *heart clutch* Tim has such a deep moral compass. That's why this is rocking him so very much. Ugh my heart. I too have a crazy deep moral compass. I can't say I wouldn't be spiraling out like him as well.

This was his greatest sin brought to light. To Tim exposing him for the fraud he feels he is. Him saying he's been lying to himself for a long time is a reflection of this. That imposter syndrome coming out real strong here. Something he buried deep down came rushing to the forefront and he is imploding. Says as much above. He no longer feels worthy to be in her life now. I get this anytime I screw up with a friend or my sister. I have this deep sense of shame attached to it. Like I no longer deserve that friend or my sister cause I messed up or if a past sin comes up. That they'll no longer love me or will forever look at me differently cause of it.

It's not logical but it's deeply ingrained from my mom shaming me for doing anything wrong growing up. As it is for Tim. His father literally beat the hell out of him for ever being out of line. He has suffered emotional and physical abuse. Unless confronted and treated comes out like this. Demons making their way to the surface. I was bawling by the time he said 'I'm sorry.' He’s never seen himself worthy of Lucy’s love that much has always been evident. But to see it this raw and visceral ripped my heart out. It’s on the ground where they're both standing.

I think this is something that has been brewing in the background for Tim for a long time. Now that I've had time away to decompress and think. I'm actually very excited they're tackling this. It's clear Tim is not in a place where he thinks he deserves her anymore. Low key never has been. He acts before he thinks. Eric had a great quote from his interview about Tim "He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through, and it can come out a bit too strong.” That is this decision in a nutshell. He feels he is a burden therefore he is removing himself without thinking it through. The regret that is going to come with this is going to be immense for him.

'You deserve so much better.' Better than me basically. He feels immense shame and that shame is launching him away from her. You know I learned something in therapy about this. About not being perfect and feeling like I'm too much. i.e. a burden. My therapist told me and it made me cry. 'You are worthy of the space you take up in people's lives. They want you there.' Tim does not think he is worthy of the space he is taking up in Lucy's life now. All his sins on the table laid out for her to see. He can't handle it. That much is very clear here. I will say I haven’t let a ship hurt me like this in a long time.

This absolutely crushed me. I couldn't even fathom assembling my thoughts. Cut me very deep. Been with this ship since day one. Also what a crushing blow this is for Lucy. Our poor girl. I mean she gave everything to this relationship. I mean EVERYTHING. She was all in from the moment Tim said ‘Unless it is.’ This was her first real relationship. First real leap into being serious. Thinking about marriage and kids. She gave her all to Tim my god. Her career took a hit for him and she never complained. Knew he was worth it (he still is btw) Fought every step of the way for him. For them.

When he was pulling back above it was an absolute panic for her. She could see him slipping through her fingers. Idk what broke my heart more Tim thinking he’s not worthy of her any longer or her begging him not to do this. She literally can't fathom how he can let go of her like this. Thought she was his person. Tim feels he’s gone back to who he was pre-Lucy and that scares him. He feels undeserving of the love she has to give him. Lucy knows everything and in his mind he can’t imagine her still loving him.

Lucy was as we all were in this scene. In disbelief... Even though Tim put her though absolute hell she was still there to comfort and support him. Because to her he is worth it even in the hard times. We all know Tim isn’t the best with his emotions. In his trauma damaged brain he thinks he’s doing the right thing here. That he’s radioactive, she deserves better than being around him and his reckless behavior.

The kiss on her head. Lucy trying to physically push away his rejection. Stomping all over my damn heart...However this ends up playing out Tim is going to have to address his emotional instability. How he charges forward and doesn’t think things through. Ruled by his emotions in the worst way. He’s impulsive and he’s gonna have to fight to get her back when he’s in a better mindset. Her trust has been obliterated by this. She fought and clawed for them and this was her reward. He’s gonna have to do some serious healing to get back to her. Lucy has loved him the best she can but he needs to put in some work now. We see next ep he's meeting with Aaron's therapist. Don't love that but I’ve wanted Tim to go to therapy for years. He needs this. Therapy doesn’t work unless you put the effort in though.

That will be a challenge for him. When I get out of the purview of this hurt I’m feeling...I’m actually going to be really impressed and happy they had Tim go through this. Do I think this is the end of them? No I think this is some serious growing pains. It was issues that have been percolating since Lucy did that 5 player trade. Hell probably back in 5x12 when Tim sacrificed himself without telling her so they could stay together. I still think that was romantic because of it's intended nature. BUT was the beginning of the communication problems. They’ve grown so very much in that regard. We’ve seen it but there is still work to be done on that front. It just came to a very gutting painful head.

I still have faith in the writers. I still have faith they’ll be ok. It might not be right away and I'm already feeling impatient tbh. But this is some serious realism being applied to them. It wasn't some random BS angst. Honestly we’re lucky our ship gets the most attention, the best SL’s and two people who LOVE these characters. They absolutely adore them and this ship. If you haven’t read Melissa and Eric’s interviews for this episode I highly recommend. This sucks right now. No two ways about it. But we will survive this storm. They’ll come out stronger than ever. Truly believe that. But for now let's rally around each other and get through this together. There will be brighter days ahead just doesn't feel like it right now. We got this.

~~~

Side notes non Chenford.

Do love Aaron working with Harper all if of all I cared about other than their SL in this one. Nolan's I fast forwarded which I normally don't do but I had no patience for his BS in this ep lol My anxiety was rampant in this ep and had no space for him.

Also RIP Metro Tim for the 6x07 promo. This hurts to see not just cause I enjoyed him in that outfit lol But to see his career take a nosedive like this. I wanted more Tim back story. Didn’t think would hurt like this though....Feel free to comment I love you all for any interaction I get with these. <3

[blkkizzat]

Kali losing her virginity story time when

sis lmfao it's not glamorous... ngl i 18 and i was crossfaded af at a college party and "superman" by eminem was playing.

LMFAO A MESS, ill talk about it but i don't wanna trigger anyone so under the cut. tw sex under the influence; dubcon

i probably wasn't in the right mind frame to consent or anything tbh (so please dont be like me stay safe). well, honestly now that i think about it, i think it was just that last bong hit that had me out of my mind. although i was already naked atp lol so i was down to have sex. but right after that's when i blacked out and when i came to i was literally moaning as ol'boy had a mouth full of my pussy hjdfasdjhfasdjh. i just wanted to lose my v and get it over with so i was happy to go with the flow. (disclaimer: back in the day when i was drinking hard dark liquor and mixed it with weed i would literally black out, but not go unconscious but just lose that time and not know wtf i was doing for the last 20 mins. But people have told me i was talking/acting like normal so idk.bdjhsdfjh but it happened then too. its only happened to me like 3-4 times tbh all when i binge drank heavy in college and smoked a fuckton of weed. so no it wasn't like i was unconscious and he was hooking up with me anyway).

that said, ngl that was some of the best sex i ever had in college. high sex is always great for me tbh and i dont remember it hurting much (but he had also just ate me out for like 45 min) but i think me and ol'boy just had good natural chemistry. he lived on the 3rd floor and my friends on the first floor said they heard me kfjhsdkjshdfkvjhsd.

one awkward asf thing though is the guy did not know i was a virgin and i would have told him if i wasnt so fucked up fjkhrfkdhgkdf.

also just wanna note, im not sad or upset at all. i always gave zero fucks about the construct of virginity (personally, please if you want it to be nice and special that is your preference and nothing is wrong with that). and sidenote thats why other than the one virgin!reader fic i will write (she wont really give af either tho tbh), i dont like writing virgin!reader cause i dont believe in idealizing it.

honestly i just wanted to lose it cause up until that point i was scared to use a tampon and was tired of being in the bloody dirt trenches with pads fhsdfjkhasfjaksh. like it wasnt even about "losing my virginity to a tampon", i was just scared to put it in. but literally got my period a week later and was like "well a dick has been in me" and found the courage to put it in. i was a silly bitch im fully aware LOL!

but i will say, it was this weird thing after where i felt bad for NOT feeling bad. like i had other friends who idealized virginity so much (then were all pikachu face when they found out i didnt want to tell them i had sex), i felt like there was something wrong with me for not thinking it was a big deal. even sometimes now, i wont want to discuss it just because so may people do idolize it its annoying to have to deal with their reactions and reassure them "no i dont feel like i was SA'd, no i dont regret it, yes i actually enjoyed the experience."

however i will say now im in the middle.

these days im alot more selective with who i fuck as personally i subscribe to the ideas of tantra/tantric sex. That while you can have sex without emotions, you can't have it without an energy exchange. sometimes ive felt shitty after one-night stands or liked the friends with bennies for the pleasure in sex but felt off after. i realized that those feelings weren't due to guilt from slut-shaming but the fact that their energy was off and it was now having an effect on me. so rn im DTF 100%—but yo energy gotta be right. and usually i cant tell that just from the bar or first meeting so ive been waiting more.

i rambled again jsdhsdjhbj but oh well.

[thetriggeredhappy]

sorry for cloggin up your ask box, but i don’t have an ao3 account, so i hope this will do

i love the way you write the kids, especially nikki. she’s so mature, funny and polite, makes my mouth hurt from smiling hearing her and scout talk

another thing, thank you for having the kids act normal around scout and sniper being romantic‼️ they’re not homophobic, just the usual little kid “eww kissingg”

the descriptions of panic attacks are incredibly realistic

also as someone with adhd, you wrote scout SO well. i have the inattentive type and i relate so hard, despite not being hyperactive. forgetting things that i just put in my pocket, wondering if i have my phone while literally being on it, losing your train of thought, drawing constantly, and rejection sensitive dysphoria

i hope it’s okay i’m writing you fan mail in your ask box, i don’t really read fanfic but you’ve got me hooked here. i don’t even know how i started liking sniperscout, but before i read yours i read… ah what’s the name… i forget (searched ao3, it was called “somethin’ stupid, like “i love you”” by preciousposey. man that was a good fic too)

anyway uh

thank you for being a great author!! hope you sleep well and have zero writer’s block forever <3 (and i hope your living situation gets better, i’ve made it up to ch 18 so (why am i getting deja vu writing this im sorry if i did this last time))

thank you! yeah i love nikki. i used to work with kids a lot (a LOT) and they’re just hilarious dude. sometimes these kids will say some shit that’s so excellent and so fun and so entertaining and will know what’s up and she’s kind of a representation of that. kids are great.

and yeah i guess i just don’t personally see like. the value in putting overt homophobia into the tf2 universe. there’s not really the overt expectation of ‘realism’ with the tf2 canon, and while i consider grounding these characters and putting them in more normal circumstances to expand on their more human characteristics to be kind of A Thing I Often Do, i don’t think i need the blunt instrument that is Gritty Realism Through Onscreen Bigotry to make any of the points i want to make in this series. the flavor is kept intentionally lighter throughout that series so that when it gets heavy, it hits a little harder. in other things ive written, and in things i might write in the future, that might pivot, but i don’t ever see bigotry being something necessary to the plot or development of characters in the RB universe.

writing scout as adhd feels kind of inevitable at a certain point if you’re diving into his characteristics and the way he tends to behave. we don’t have a ton to work with but, c’mon. intentionally or unintentionally, he always ends up adhd. the relatable king

and no lie i’ve been listening to ‘still alive’ a LOT lately idk what happened. i listened to that song back in like 2015 a lot then didn’t again until like. three weeks ago. portal was too good for any of us

also just goddamn the fuckin horror movie violins when someone is pre-chapter 20 of taking shots. me when i’m 2/3rds of the way through “sniper dies in this”

[that-girl-with-the-blue-dress-on]

it is Time

for the post no one asked for but which i shall write nonetheless

now that Voyage has had time to settle, i am ready to put my thoughts into words that make some kind of cohesive sense, for my own benefit and hopefully some enjoyment for others

these are impressions gathered from the previews that Apple Music had available prior to album launch, my first listen-through during the twitch livestream with JD, as well as how all that has gelled over the last week and a half.

The Llandoger--first heard on the Jingle Jam stream and then the JJ concert, this one continues to be sheer fun. the Robbie energy is off the charts, the warmth of that refrain "we'll all be well tonight" really hits in the recorded version with the full chorus echo effect and feels like I'm hearing it live in a concert with the audience singing around me (which. will be made reality in less than three months AAAAH), there will be DANCING.

Whiskey Is the Life of Man--the banjo and the harmonies in this one are driven and intense and I really like that, but the overall sound is more growly and hard-drumming than my tastes generally lean toward. the "recording" sound effects in different places are pretty cool, and did i mention the harmonies. as;lkdjf for being my last favorite song if i were forced at plank-walking-point to rank them, I still admire the craft that went into it!

Proud Mary--this was one of the songs they did a YouTube version of that I would have been clamoring to be on the Kickstarter-unlocked studio sessions album if it hadn't already been on the Voyage tracklist, and the Voyage version is even richer. Instant head bopping, 10/10 no notes very excited to have this on my Spotify playlists now <3

Leaving of Liverpool--starts with a bang and loses zero of that energy. Some great a capella sections and again, very dancy. HYPED to hear this one live!

Mutiny--when I heard the preview on Apple I was happy for another comic Robbie song, and the full does not disappoint. Delightfully ironic, classic waltz with definite Sea of Thieves vibes (I say knowing only the SoT songs they've covered). I don't have a lot of words for this one but it's one of my favorites. Simply darling.

Skadi's Hammer--the Apple preview did NOT prepare me. I thought it was going to be a weird little dark song I wouldn't particularly care about beyond being happy for Andy's songwriting credit and. well. we all know how THAT turned out. you've already heard my livestream-night frothing at the mouth and I have since mostly overcome the full-body petrification that would strike me the first several times I listened to it, but AAH. the swooping shh and the drum and the harmonies and the imagery it's SO COOL if they're all going to be entirely immersive sensory experiences i need more andy songs in my headphones STAT please and thank you.

John the Red Nose--we joke about BIG HATCHETS AND CLEAVERS but that's really so fun and then the way it softens down for the last verse, giving the spare ribs to the poor? CHEF'S KISS BEAUTIFUL STRUCTURE the building and building and climax and then that gentle bit of kindness and charity als;kdjf again the ARTISTRY in the songs that couldn't even fit into my top say five or whatever is mind-blowing. the fiddle background is wonderful and the cold winter forest vibes are settling in properly after Skadi's harvest time.

Greenland Whale Fisheries--new harmonies! more deaths! a breath of fresh sea air after our visit to the forest! all good things in their familiar a capella trad style we love to see it

White Frontier--and now the seas have turned cold and the wind has picked up and the drums drums in the deep wait sorry wrong lore. the chorus absolutely slaps despite being about a lot of death. this doesn't quite hit my top tracks when I sit down and think about it, but it sure gets stuck in my head more than you'd expect for all that...xD

One Hundred Feet--a;sldkfjas;ldkfj;sadlk skadi's hammer hit me physically, but this one hit my feels. classic TLJ vibes. a pleasure to the ears, a wringing of the ol' heartstrings. i'm in love. there's something so comforting about Robbie's sad singing, isn't there? and the harmonies on that one change-up bit in a chorus near the end are absolute perfection. can't sing this one's praises enough.

Willie Taylor--girlboss time ft. some fun sound effects! dally dilly dumm dilly dumm dum dum dum dally dilly dum dilly all the wayyyy. a little funky for my tastes in places but not much more than Bonny Ship the Diamond which I sometimes have a hankering for regardless. I'm not clear on whether she killed Willie's new bride-to-be or not but I'd rather not know. Nicely eases you out of sad feels and gets you ready for funtimes.

Maggie's Ship--I believe this is what the people call a 'banger'? heavy on the cymbals but the slap bass goes hard. cacophonic in places, especially the end but. survivable. And a fun character sketch, Dave's lyric work here is delightfully twisty!

Shawneetown--what can I say. harmonies. stompability. pure joy. never gets old love love love.

Paddy West--THE closer of closers. restful without a jarring drop of momentum, engaging and funny to keep up the positive vibes of the last few songs, and the gradual attenuation at the end is BEAUTIFULLY done.

Overall I really admire how there's songs for such a variety of tastes on here, the artistry on display within that variety, and how structured the flow of the songlist is. It feels just like its name--truly a voyage in song.

[restinthewest]

Glum dog behavior musings under the cut in case that’s not your jam rn

Hallow has not been having a fun time the last couple of weeks. She’s been more on edge since a dog incident in July, and a few weeks ago I started struggling with some personal health things, which she is 100000% tuned in to (she knows my dizzy episodes are coming before I do and loses her mind when they happen), and she just really all over the place. We were doing a lot of pattern work with a trainer, and while she was doing great within the training, she was having big, unpredictable reactions to people and dogs and generally seemed nervous. This was a big concern for me, because “big” (barking) reactions were previously quite rare for her and she was formerly not a generously nervous dog; she always had great recovery and rarely “searched” or was vigilant for triggers in the past, that had changed.

Though she wasn’t “that bad” and still quite functional and easy to manage, I decided to chat with her vet about medication to, at the least, help her through this tough period, she started fluoxetine just shy of two weeks ago.

Side effects are hitting her very hard. She had a four day streak without eating anything (and I mean anything- not even salmon fillets I cooked for her), extremely drowsy, increased fear, lack of interest in play, dizzy- or something- she sometimes seems like she’s not quite aware of where her legs are, generally very dull and not herself. Seeing her like this is extremely distressing to me. She has, from day one, been an extremely playful, energetic, and cheerful dog and that’s just gone right now. I thought she was feeling okay this morning so I took her to her favorite lake and she ended up having zero interest in playing in the water, digging in the sand, things she normally goes nuts over. She went for her ball a couple times but would lose interest almost immediately. Took her home after a short amount of time and she’s been zonked all day- I don’t think I’ve ever spent this much uninterrupted time in the house with her before.

She has had one-off days or playful moments where she seems mostly like her old self- she had a great day yesterday, and can now be coaxed to eat wet food, but the general trend right now is “holy shit where did Hallow go”

From everything I’ve read, it’s not uncommon for dogs to struggle pretty hard with side effects when starting fluoxetine and it usually resolves. I know positive effects can take months to become apparent. I still plan to call her vet on Monday to see if it might be a good idea to lower her dose a bit.

No point to this post. I anticipate things will improve and if they don’t after a reasonable amount of time, I will wean her off the med and likely try something else. Just had to vent because good god it is brutal to not recognize your dog, even if you expect it to be temporary.

[kexing]

[if you find it creepy that I comment on your mental health notes like a creeper, please say so]

Hey MJ. I read your notes about making zero progress and going backwards. I don’t want to offer platitudes or condescend to you because i don’t know what your life is like and what you’re dealing with, but i wanted you to know that from this internet stranger’s perspective, you are brave and strong. Because i look at your blog, and i see someone who is kind and compassionate, who loves passionately and unapologetically, someone who is still hopeful. And to me, that takes courage, that takes emotional strength and resilience, to still see beauty in the darkness, to put yourself out there where others can see, to deliberately choose love and kindness over and over again.

Yours is the only blog i visit regularly because you are witty and talented and unhinged in the best kind of way, yes, but above all because your blog is a safe place for me. Last week i had to put down my 14-year-old cat. It was one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do. I had a panic attack at work and had to take the rest of the day off. I got home and opened Tumblr and looked at your Dating Sim gif sets. And it just settled something deep inside me. I’m still a mess, but when i need a smile or to escape for a little while, your blog is my go-to. Think of the prettiest pink sky, the softest soft hug, that is what your blog is to me. And all you ever had to do is be your—talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique—self. 💖

[you said that you sometimes find motivation in fannish things but not so much in other things. someone i respect very much once said that to be a fan of / be obsessed with something, that is living with love. those who know love and those who don’t have very different qualities of life. i think it’s such a lovely way to describe hyperfixation: we are living with love]

i do not find it creepy, friend!! this is a public blog and i enjoy when people interact with my posts/tags. promise, it’s all fine! 🥰🥰🥰

hi! first of all, my DEEPEST condolences to you. i know how pets can be super important to us, my dog is already old and sometimes i try to prepare myself because i know sooner or later he’ll have to leave me. but i don’t think one can truly be ready for something like that. so i completely understand your struggle and even though it’s so incredibly hard, you’re dealing with it as best as you can and you’re sooo strong for that!! most days i don’t think i live on without my dog. god knows how exactly i’m going to do that akdkskdkks but we gotta live one day at a time and make the most of them. it’s all we really have!

so i’m sending you lots of hugs and positive energy!!

when you mentioned visiting my blog regularly and feeling a little better after seeing my our dating sim gifset, i legit started crying 😭😭😭 (granted, i cried a lot today but this is the first happy tears. so thank you!)

i mean, i do like sharing about my struggles sometimes because i don’t want people to think i’m just preaching toxic positivity and that i never go through tough times when that’s simply not true. i hit rock bottom every day but happiness is made of lil moments and i get to have many of those throughout the day as well, most of them here making and sharing things i love with my mutuals.

it’s just my choice to focus on the good moments instead of the bad ones and i want to be defined by my choices, not my struggles.

but i didn’t really expect to bring that kind of comfort to someone else and it really moves me that i can help you in any way, even if just for one second. losing a loved one is sooooooo hard, i’m happy that i can keep you company and that this can be a safe place for you, even if i didn’t know that. so thank you for telling me about it!!

we are living with love 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭 that is so beautiful and so true!!!

and you know what? i can live without being loved but i simply cannot live without loving things and people but i wouldn’t have it any other way!!! while being loved is one of the most wonderful things ever, i get to have little pieces of everything that i love in me as well and that’s enough 🥰

thank you so much for reaching out!! for writing such lovely words, they really touched a very deeeeeeeeep part of my heart and i feel floored by your kindness.

takes a brave, strong and compassionate person to know what bravery, strength and compassion look like. so everything you see in me reflects exactly the type of person you are!! we’re all mirrors of our thoughts and actions!!!

i’m sure your cat had a lovely life and was very lucky to be loved by you!!!!!!!!!!

take care of yourself, angel!!!! love you ❤️💙

[josiebelladonna]

Do I feel vibrant (in general)?

I’m in pain (from exercising more), so no. I still don’t know what it means to “feel vibrant”, either.

Do I feel sexually desirable?

I have never felt this way in my life. I’ve been working out harder lately and I (finally) hit the 30 pound mark and now my next goal is 20 pounds by turkey day, but again: I’m only thinking about my physical health and getting healthy. Listen, I had swollen feet, a pounding heart, I was prone to migraines, and I was probably prediabetic, too, given diabetes runs in the family. I ain’t thinking about sexiness… whatever that is.

Are my sexual needs being met? (by me, by someone else)

I started my kinktober collection last night because no one else can get it right, but it’s really hard to say. I cringe at my desires, needs, whatever they’re fucking called, especially my belly kink. It’s the one kink that I go way back with and I would be lying if I said talking about it makes me feel so exposed and embarrassed. It’s like coming out, it’s not like a kid’s birthday party: it’s a huge deal.

Do I care about my sexual life?

The fact I keep coming back to this shows that I care about it *enough*. But I can’t say that I care about it so much that I’m losing sleep over the fact that no one is sleeping with me.

What is my comfort level with talking about sex and sexuality and communicating my needs?

Zero comfort. I’m so embarrassed and disgusted with myself.

How am I feeling about my body?

Hard to say. Listen, when I was pushing 270, I actually felt great (minus the swollen feet, of course). Losing weight now, and it’s fascinating how fast I’ve been losing weight (30 pounds in 2 months! I never would have dreamed that would happen).

What is my relationship like with my orgasms?

Nonexistent. I can’t remember the last time I masturbated because, again, there’s no point. I tried doing it again and I stopped because I couldn’t get into it. I don’t care. What is the point of developing an appetite when there is no need for it. There’s no point to developing a sexual appetite, plus I don’t care. I’m too much of a pussy and there are other things to worry about, too. They’re here and gone, too, like what the hell is this whole thing that all women should have these violent screamers after five seconds. Am I really not doing it right? Why should I try and make myself scream when it won’t happen. Why even bother.

What is my connection like with others?

Horrible. It’s been two weeks since the Testament cartoon and it’s still only at 3 likes on my page. Meanwhile, I see people celebrating kids’ birthdays, making massive recoveries, reaching huge milestones, what have you. Go to my page and it looks sad. Do you understand why I have no desire to be there anymore?

I have no faith in my art, either. I’ll just post the collections and be done with it, seeing as that’s all everyone wants from me.

When I think of sex, what comes to mind?

Nothing good or happy. What on earth am I supposed to say to this? I think of all the consequences of being sexually active and that’s all I think about, too. Oh, yeah, herpes and HIV and unwanted pregnancy, yeah, that’s really sexy.

Do I feel tapped into God (Source, Universe)?

lol

*bonus question: What fun am I having in my sexual life?

None. Ooh yeah, exposing yourself to horrific diseases like herpes and gonorrhea and warts, and putting your body and trust in another person when they can readily betray you at any given time for the dumbest and pettiest reasons, yeah, that’s totally fun *gunshot*

I’m terrified of what awaits me for kinktober. I just don’t measure up. The green druidess did a number on me as well as the Rockfic side of the fanfic world: in that brief period from when I came back online to the minute she showed up, it was a little more than a year, it was like Santa Cruz, it was this pre-pandemic/pre-Tiktok/pre-worst of what gen z has to offer era that was still fun and enjoyable. You write fic and go on tumblr because it was fun, not because you wanted to be the next E.L. James or Anna Todd. 

And you could say whatever you wanted (barring you weren’t prejudiced against someone for who they were). People only blocked someone when they personally attacked them through asks or reblogs, not because they had an opinion they didn’t like. I looked at her fic account just now and she and temple haven’t updated in months: i remember the last time i pointed this out she updated something probably just to stick it to me, but i expect her to. People with control issues and a sense of entitlement are weak. I’m bracing myself for this, but what is with women these days? The last couple of times I went grocery shopping, the women were… bitchy to say in the least. Walking around with their noses in the air, rude to their children, looking down at me all because of my pink pants and I’m fucking poor… The men meanwhile? Sweet. Polite. Approachable. Friendly even. It’s like my own gender has very quickly become the very thing they’re accusing men of being: rude, mean, liars, arrogant, bullies, abusers, manipulators, all with a side of victim complex because “we’re women, therefore victims and therefore deserving of special treatment”. There are exceptions, of course, but it’s like the mean, entitled girl is the thing to be now.

I see these new fic writers who are blatantly displaying their quote unquote “raunchy sides” and they’re getting fucking everything. “Ooh, look at me, I’m a sexual being and therefore entitled to special treatment” or the flip side: “ooh, look at me, I’m a minor and therefore entitled to special treatment”. Listen, when I was a minor, I had… some curiosity about sexuality but not a lot. But I never saw it as “harassment” or “abuse”, though: it was just this side of life that was incredibly taboo and inaccessible, like I felt bad just thinking about it .  I couldn’t explore if I wanted to. Plus, I was more focused on learning things, building robots, making cartoons, and trying not to kill myself because my classmates and my dad’s side of the family were all assholes.

No fun. No hope. And no, I don’t deserve shit. Again, I’ll just do it and be done with it. I don’t give a shit if anyone else doesn’t.

[tasteleeknow]

is there a fic or something you’ve written that YOU believe is your best work yet like the best piece you feel like you’ve ever written but it didn’t get as much attention as you anticipated? and is there a post that you didn’t try as much on but the amount of attention it got still shocks you ?? 😅😅

I don’t write fics but I know I get sooo mad when in school i have to write papers & the papers I don’t try very hard on & write in a few hours do WAYY better than the papers I take hours or even days writing 🙄🙄🙄. Just recently I got an A+ on my final report that I did an hour before it was due while another paper that I wrote for a different class & actually tried on (spent DAYYSSSS writing) I received a D- 😭.

Sorry for the little rant but I’m genuinely curious LOL

the amount of work and time i put into writing has ZERO impact on how 'well' it does lmao for sure. hello stranger is my first series and i have a document of thousands of words with tables all full of character building and planning and it's... so much work. the chapters get like 500 notes maybe compared to one shots which usually get between 1 to 4k. i don't actually mind though bc i get way more feedback on the series. like ppl put essays in their reblogs and send me messages and all that. i care more about that than the notes, especially because the majority of notes are likes.

i actually tend to find the things that don't get flooded with likes have more ppl who will message me personally and be really passionate about it. i wrote a fairy!au that didn't do as well as most of my other minho one shots but i had ppl making moodboards for it and edits and all of that. which again, i appreciate more than likes.

koala still has the most notes and its one of the first things i wrote so i KNOW the quality of the writing is worse. also when i posted it i was convinced ppl would hate it like i was ready to hit delete. after that did so well i've just been like no fear tbh like how i feel about something seems to say nothing abt how others will feel. i just post and vibe.

i really don't think there has been anything i've posted where i was disappointed in the amount of attention it got. maybe aftercare with minho ?? it's a drabble but it had a label put on it literally 2 minutes after i posted it so it got very little exposure. i really am just grateful in general like my writing gets a lot more eyes on it than i ever would have expected so i really feel like i have nothing to complain about. i do just wish more of the eyes were... active rather than ya know silent/passive.

lmao in school i literally did everything at the very last second. i had a very severe undiagnosed case of adhd and was really just coasting the entire time. i remember having to convince teachers id hand something in and then just keep stalling until they actually just gave up or forgot about it. then there was like ONE TIME for some reason i really clicked with the content, it was a maths assignment and it was satisfying to my brain, so i spent a week on it and ended up helping a bunch of my class with it at the public library on the weekend and i got the highest mark possible and then never did it again. no lessons learned just 'well thats nice moving on'. but in uni when i was forced to actually do the work the assignments where i started earlier and tried harder did meh and the ones i didn't at all did well. so yeah, i get it. D- on something you'd worked so hard on..... i'd lose it hfjdsk i remember once handing something in that i'd worked harder on than anything else in my entire uni life and i barely passed and i was like yeah never trying again. and i didn't. and everything was fine. what's the lesson?? idk trying is overrated just vibe gfhdjs

sorry for MY rant hjds

[icedfae]

(—) ★ spotted!! MICAH KENNEDY on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 21 year old looks like HERO FIENNES TIFFIN, but i don’t really see it. while  the RETIRED ATHLETE/REALITY TV STAR/PIANIST is known for being AMBITIOUS my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be ALOOF i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song LOSING MY RELIGION by R.E.M  { he/him, cismale}

that’s me in the corner

basics

Name: Micah Kennedy Age: Twenty-One DOB: April 1, 2002 Gender: Cismale Sexuality: Pansexual Occupation: Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 50m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 100m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 100m Butterfly - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 4x100m Medley - 2020 Olympic Games,  Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 4x100m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games

Reality TV Star - Current, Pianist - Current Parents: Jordana Kennedy, unknown father, Christian O’Malley (step-father) Siblings: Maiya Kennedy (twin, 21), Wednesday Kennedy (5) Swimming Career Claim: Caeleb Dressel (minus the Rio de Janeiro Games)

that’s me in the spotlight

biography

Growing up on camera would have thought to have made a bigger impact on Micah’s life than he let it. From a young age he was trained to have no qualms of the spotlight and made zero fuss when it came to his family’s hit reality tv show. To him, it was just another day at home.

At three years old, no one could keep him out of the ocean. His fascination with swimming and the water was unexplainable but it wasn’t long before he was enrolled in private swimming lessons.

At five years old he made the resolution to go to the Olympics and spent his entire life training to do so. It was amazing when he qualified for the 2020 Olympics at only 17 years old and even more of an accomplishment when he went on to win 5 gold medals, adding him to the list of only four other Americans to win that many in one Olympic Games. Also became the first male swimmer to win gold medals in the 50m freestyle, 100m freestyle and the 100m butterfly in the same games. 

TW: Car Accident In July of this last year, Micah was out with his sister at a party. She had gotten a bit out of control and Micah jumped into the car with her to stop her from driving away. She did so anyways and ended up crashing it. Micah ended up having to have surgery on his knee, which got completely twisted around during the accident, and his shoulder suffered a tear in his rotator cuff. The doctors had identified that the shoulder problem had been ongoing for a while, just escalated from the accident, but thus confirmed that he would need years of physical therapy to be able to walk normally again and couldn’t clear him to compete in swimming any longer -- ending the career he spent his entire life working towards.

This pushed the already recluse of the Kennedy family further into a hole, finding it hard to get out of bed. The best therapy -- both physically and mentally -- was started and Micah tried to get back to his life as little as he could.

His therapist suggested picking up a hobby and piano seemed to be the only thing that stuck. Now all of his time is dedicated to mastering the skill and trying to grow from there. 

Though he doesn’t state it, Micah is resentful of both his sister and being a Kennedy. He loves his family, truly and dearly, he doesn’t understand how she could put either of them into the situation and why this was the one thing that his family name couldn’t solve. He had tried to make a name on his own and it was thrown back into his face.

losing my religion

things to note

When he was younger, he was attached to Jordana’s hip. He’s a complete momma’s boy and would do anything for his mother -- including putting up with having a camera in his face at all times.

Definitely has mastered the art of looking as impassive as ever. He is a bit standoffish, which is a mask he puts up to deal with people who are using him for his family’s fame or simply because he doesn’t like you. Dealer’s choice, really.

Deathly afraid of koalas. Don’t make him go on a tangent about it.

He’d never admit it but he’s afraid to get in cars after the accident and is often seen being driven as little as possible before walking to ‘help out with his knee’

Right now always has a cane with him to assist him in walking but he’s hoping to be rid of it sooner rather than later.

Depressive boy, doesn’t know what to do with his life or fix it so he started hyper fixating on the next big thing in his life.

[raygothops]

The end of an era, or so it feels. I'm not sure what's happened or what's happening, what changed, why I feel the way I do, but something is different in my head. I don't feel like things are clicking the way they normally do. Nothing has grossly changed, but some little things are different. I feel like football doesn't hit the same way internally as before, like it's more distant. It feels like medicine has taken some of that real estate. It's interesting because love is basically boundless for me, and I thought my anchoring energy worked similarly where I could develop new anchors while maintaining the same significance.

That's the thing though, significances feel like they changed. Now, people are super significant. I'm wondering if people have maybe replaced or displaced football. Maybe my anchors are zero-sum. Is that good or bad? Who knows. I almost flipped the switch playing today and then I just didn't. Maybe subconsciously knowing the situation, I saved it. I don't know. It was weird though. I had the emotions but I processed them and they went away more than they stayed. Maybe I have better emotional processing... Or less emotions, at least related to football.

Because I still haven't released my other emotions from earlier in February. Basically I'm somewhere over 100% of my emotional capacity with an artificially inflated emotional threshold because I still need to cry, just haven't done it yet. That need to cry has been more come and go than expected, but we'll see how this next week goes.

I would like to say weekend but I'm not sure what type of weekend it will be, though I know there's one type it won't be. It won't be a culmination of friendship, it'll be a bitter reminder of how to pay more attention to communication.

I had the greatest presence of anyone I've ever met, and all signs and indications say I blew it. I said too much and that was that. Did I deserve it? I don't know what I deserve. Is it on-brand for my life? Yes, though I think this is the first time I've blown it given my breakup was mutual.

I told her I didn't deserve her, and I guess I was right. I wanted to be a great friend, I just wanted to be a positive. I had a very simple job, and I didn't do it. I guess not doing my job today is a nice summary of not doing my job in this situation. I started well and finished horribly. And now I don't know. I don't know what the emotions are towards me in either situation, but I know I failed. The pain of failing Sam hasn't really hit yet, I don't know when it will, maybe once I know she's gone. The sadness hit me already, but that's all muddied by the feelings of failure.

I feel like I've failed so much recently, and it's crazy because my school progress makes it appear that everything is moving forward well but the truth is, I haven't been doing things well. It's similar to the feelings at the end of 2023, except I had gotten so many gaps addressed to start the year that it felt like I could ride high into my new phase of life. Instead, I'm just walking, walking with the weight of my failure. At least I've been able to hold my head up this week. But I stopped riding high 2 weeks ago. I got checked and I was humbled. I don't really know if I can even apologize properly for what happened, or if it even matters. I guess it's just another part of my heart permanently reserved for someone who may never update that reservation again. Unfortunately, this is the first time but it would be great if it was the last, because losing people on my heart is painful. It's not a quick pain, it's a slow burn that is really hard to put out because you give them so much time as a cushion. I guess one day, she could write back, but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't. It's her right and I'm just a guy she met less than 7 weeks ago.

That was a lot and I could do more self-criticism but I think the point is clear. The thing that could be replacing/displacing football is about to change my life. 2 weeks of waiting isn't anxiety-inducing to me, but it does feel like a waste of 2 weeks. At least SOAP could be next week but I digress. The next time I'm taking care of kids, I'll be their actual doctor I guess. The idea of doctor, or any position for me, has never been daunting really. I know what I'm there to do and I'll do it to the best of my ability. I got to schedule for a non-Sabbath graduation both for Dad and for me. I just like clean Sabbaths tbh. Will not walking with people suck? A bit. Is it worth the awkwardness? Not really to me. I know my brain and Dad won't be there on a Saturday afternoon. People will show up though, I assume. I do have to be careful with assuming though, that can get you into trouble.

With Sam at least, it wasn't anything like assumptions really. It was just faith in her. Faith that she would just accept my heart offered raw. It was too much though.

Back to graduation. Idk how I'm inviting people but I just hope that special people can be there. Part of me wonders how big that list will get, cause my heart only grows with that list it seems. I just want to get on to the next part of life though. I've been here just kinda passing time and I want to change lives now.

Romantically, idk man. I can be liked hypothetically. Will some girl actually like me? Feels like a hard sell. Idk, I feel like with relationships, people tell more dreams than reality. Maybe there's someone but it feels more like kind words than something to really believe.

My eyes are tired so I'm stop, but who knows? There could be part 2

[carnelianwings]

Everyone at locals had one brain cell today because we all entered with Fun Decks this week. I'd gone in with D-MLB, went 2-1, and that's a "wish list" item checked off for me in Vanguard - enter a tournament with Blasters, optionally doing well (and by doing well I mostly mean going positive on W/L).

Tucking the rest behind a cut because I'm just gonna take a hot second to ramble about Majesty Lord Blaster (and Blasters as a whole) like I'm just (channeling my inner) Aichi.

Games themselves were pretty standard, the one game I lost was vs Viamance Bruce - not much I could've done there, just didn't have the shield power to go up against all that power gain for Final Rush/Burst on top of the multi-attack, plus my opponent flipped OT on the drive check on the last turn so I just outright didn't have the PGs for it. But I'm not even salty about it at all - I got to play D-MLB in a tournament, had it pop off, got 2 other wins.

Shout out to Emmeline and Cordiela for being an absolute terror in the back row during all 3 games (especially during my 2 wins vs Herminia and Solrairon) - letting G2s boost and then having a G2 that just gains power every time a Blaster swings (AKA whenever you attack in D-MLB lol) is just chef's kiss. Even if I don't hit triggers off the triple drive it's just like "Wait since when did Blasters get 30k/40k+ columns I thought the entire deck is just a Nostalgia Bait 3-attack Deck that hit like a Wet Noodle". Also Cordiela being a shout out to that one shot in the OG S1 finale with (ghostly) Blaster Blade and Blaster Dark standing next to MLB is just icing on the "Omg MLB has a 4th attack now!" cake.

It's really hard for me to overstate how much I actually just enjoy playing Blasters in all flavors (Premium MLB, V-MLB, D-MLB, Premium Exceed). Even if I lose, the sheer consistency in the deck means I always get at least part of (if not all of) the combo off and it's just so satisfying to know "I built my deck well and it's working like it should". And with the Premium versions I'm just giddy with all the deck search (and deck thin by extension). Like this deck is just fun. Plus there's just the whole "Blasters have been with me since Day 1 of my Vanguard journey starting with Zero and I've been learning with them ever since" angle.

And yeah the guys at locals also know I'm basically a Blaster main ... and to fear this deck because when the stars align I have Protagonist Tier Luck with this deck. Like to the tune of "Check OT multiple games in a row during key moments", "Eats Crit At 5, Checks OT/heal And Lives, draws Persona at start of next turn", "Massively Sacks with Crit(s)/Heal(s)" ... the list goes on. Probably also helps I always bring my G-era Aichi playmat with me to locals lol.

[mrsmarlasinger]

(CW: anorexia/disordered eating, medication abuse, depression, death ideation)

I spent last week in Texas on vacation with my parents and sister (yeah, during the record-breaking heat wave). It was nice: eating twice a day, having dessert, eating out, trying pastries. Walking tons and wearing huge T-shirts and men's gym shorts every day, so I didn't have to feel too guilty.

Then I came home and was instantly convinced I'd gained an impossible amount of weight.

On top of that, I've recently realized that the coughing fits that have been getting progressively worse and steadily ruining my stupid life for the past 6+ weeks, finally culminating in me waking myself and my family up 4–5x per night to cough during our vacation...are an asthma flare-up, and one best treated by the five days of Prednisone my doctor prescribed me when I got really sick a few months ago.

(Which I never touched, because apparently, corticosteroids can cause weight gain through appetite increase and insulin suppression. Terrifying.)

Yesterday, after days of acute consternation, I finally succumbed and started the damn Prednisone. Like magic, almost immediately after my very first dose, my cough improved tenfold. Crazy how the medicine your doctor prescribes you actually works sometimes!

So.

The vacation. The steroid. The body dysmorphia.

Well, I've never once had trouble with my asthma until I got sick earlier this year, so I only use my rescue inhaler once in a blue moon. I've got years' worth of old albuterol lying around my room. Not like that shit expires and loses effectiveness after a year or anything.

Decided to kill three birds (the asthma, the albuterol surplus, and the so-called weight gain) with one stone. Decided to eat nothing for two days and abuse stimulants all the while.

Decided that if I did this, I could enjoy my family's annual Fourth of July BBQ (the first one my partner, posing as my "bestie" for my homophobic father, could attend!). I'd have fun and dress cute and talk to people and eat barbeque and desserts, and I wouldn't feel guilty at all, because I'd have budgeted for it.

Having been too scared to consume more than an anxious grazing session in the pantry on Sunday, I skipped food on Monday. Oh, god, I think I slammed at least half an old inhaler that day. Got so comically sick, so ridiculously dizzy and jittery, I started laughing at my trembling reflection in the bathroom mirror. Jesus, I don't puff this much albuterol in an entire year.

Despite the melatonin I took, my usual killer insomnia struck again last night (I'm sure the steroid and albuterol didn't help). I was up all night and only fell asleep long after the sun had risen, nauseous with exhaustion and aching with hunger.

Slept four hours. Woke up midday. Took my damn Prednisone.

Started tossing back albuterol and Benzedrex like there was no tomorrow. Slonked nearly half a gram of caffeine via zero-calorie drink drops.

All on an empty stomach, alone in my room.

Already I'd fasted more than the 48 hours planned. My heart rate skyrocketed from its usual 60–80 bpm to 125 bpm. I was fucking wired, jittery, anxious and nauseous and sweaty, shaking like an old lady's purse dog. My joints hurt. My dizzy head was pounding. A sort of awful feverish heat radiated from my poor quivery flesh.

It occurred to me that I felt exactly like I had that time I snorted [redacted]. Never thought my shitty, slapdash little stim stack could hit me this hard. I felt so sick I thought I'd puke or pass out or both.

All I could do was chant, "I'm going to die. I'm going to die" under my breath, then suck down another musty, powdery hit of expired albuterol.

But hey. I could see the weight I'd lost in those 48+ hours of hell.

What does it matter if I never came down for the party, never had a burger hot off the grill, never talked to anyone, just got progressively wired in my bedroom until my hand shook so bad I fucked up my lipstick?

Eventually my partner arrived and held my sweating, trembling wreck of a body, making nervous note of my tachycardia and hyperventilation as I repeated, over and over, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

When I felt a little better, we went to root through the leftovers, and I proceeded to low-/medium-restrict on a mini kids' Clif bar, three slices of watermelon, two spoonfuls of pasta salad, and, for some fucking reason, a glazed doughnut. Panicking all the while.

And yeah, sure, I ruined my day, but what's new? I'm ruining my pathetic excuse for an existence too. All in pursuit of, what, becoming more underweight than I already am? Destroying my body more than I already have?

For a spoiled, privileged, rich little white girl without a responsibility under the sun, my life sure feels like a goddamn living nightmare.

I'm so upset.

I'm so sad.

I'm so angry.

I'm angry at the world, because what the fuck did I do to deserve chronic anorexia? I of course believe that I'm a nasty little bitch who deserves the worst of all things, but god, even I don't deserve this. No one deserves this. Anorexia is cruel and unusual punishment for the crime of possessing a tangible form. I'm only 22, and I've dealt with this bullshit for, what, seven years now?

I'm so sad. I'm so sad. I'm so cripplingly, earth-shatteringly sad.

I fasted and slammed stimulants for more than two days so I could enjoy a once-a-year party with my family and our friends (the cringe of American nationalism notwithstanding), only to starve and panic and isolate myself anyway. Now I'm hungry and sick to my stomach, parachuting kratom like it'll fix things. Like eating toilet paper and fake opiates will nourish me. What was it all for? What the fuck is any of this for?

It's not worth it. None of this is worth it. I'm miserable, spiraling. I can't work. I can't function. I'm out of control. It's not my rock bottom by a long shot—hell, I haven't even gotten my lowest weight back—but it sure feels like it. This is hell.

I just want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want desperately to eat. Please, god, let me eat. If I can't eat, let this vile disease kill me already. I want to eat. I'm so unwell. I want to eat. I'm so, so sick. I want to eat. I want to eat.

Please.

Please.

God. God. God. God. God. God. God.

[jennamacaroni]

prompt list, angst #1: “I love you!  Is that what you wanted to hear?”

(this is for an anon and @soulofacircus who both requested this #)

The Kansas City crowd is brutal.  Deborah’s set is full of awkward silences and forced laughter from those simply not equipped to handle so much secondhand embarrassment.  The bit about DJ’s third overdose that Ava helped Deborah rework late after last night’s show in St. Louis bombs so hard that a boomer couple gets up from the front row and walks out without paying their bill.  This unfortunate series of events then does what Deborah said weeks ago back in Las Vegas that no one could ever do:  they mess her up.  At one point towards the end of the set, Deborah actually freezes up there for a few seconds, going somewhere else entirely.  Ava watches her eyes lose focus somewhere in the middle distance, and Ava’s only thought is that she wishes Deborah would look at her instead. Deborah ends up closing the set and walking offstage to polite applause without even bothering with her final three jokes.

The green room is nothing but a worn orange velour couch, the floor length mirror Deborah made Ava lug in from the tour bus earlier that evening, and a minifridge full of Pepsi Zero.  Deborah already has her purse slung over her shoulder and refuses to make eye contact. “Listen, that was–” “Let’s just get to the bus,” Deborah interrupts, her voice tight but authoritative.  “I need to get the fuck out of here and put this middle America’s asshole of a city and it’s cretins behind me.” Ava grabs the mirror without further comment, tucking it under her arm and following Deborah out the back door.

Weed has them on the open highway in less than four minutes, every one of which Deborah spends mixing a round of martinis.  It was just the four of them again with the driver, now that Damien had flown back to Vegas to prepare for their upcoming trip back next week: it was Luna’s birthday and Deborah insisted they couldn’t possibly miss it. Ava decides for once not to push and to give Deborah a few minutes of space, kicking off her boots and slipping into the tiny bathroom to change into sweatpants. She finds Deborah at the table looking down at her hands, which are folded delicately around the base of her martini glass.  Ava slips onto the bench on the opposite side of the table where there’s another martini waiting, glass frosted and dressed with a single speared green olive. Ava takes a sip of the cocktail and waits for Deborah to make the first move, content to study the delicate lines of Deborah’s face while she’s not looking, the ones the Botox touch-ups just don’t quite fill that are worn into her skin from a lifetime of laughter. “This is exhausting,” Deborah says, finally looking up fully at Ava.  She maintains eye contact as she lifts the martini glass to her still painted lips and takes a long swallow, and all Ava can think is how quickly she can make Deborah laugh again. “Aren’t you tired of this?”  Deborah asks, before Ava can make a really corny joke about Kansas City having a regional barbeque inferiority complex. “Of showers on this tour bus?  Uh, yeah, dude.  You never leave me any hot water.” The left corner of Deborah’s lips twitch with the tiniest wry smile and Ava counts that in the win column. “Of giving me pep talks.  You can save it tonight, by the way,” Deborah adds before Ava can even try, lifting her glass and taking another long drag. “Okay.  But I’m not going to stop believing in you.  I can’t turn it off either.  And nothing matters more.  Even if it should.” It’s hit home, Ava can tell.  Deborah breaks eye contact, the moment too intimate, and steels her face to cry without moving her eyebrows. “You should just quit once we get on the gay cruise and live as you were meant to amongst your own kind.  Wild horses, and all that.” “I don’t know what that means.  But speaking of horses, we still need to watch ‘Desert Hearts.’” “Ava–” “D, you promised!” Deborah takes the olive from her drink into her mouth and throws the toothpick at Ava, hitting her in the forehead.  “Can you be serious for once?” “Definitely not.” “Why are you still doing this?” Ava doesn’t even bother to answer at first, just looks knowingly at Deborah and takes a drink.  It’s a look in which she knows hides absolutely none of the very real love she now holds for her boss.  “You know why.” “Well it can’t possibly because you love sleeping over a tanning bed.” “It’s Weed’s weed.  I get it now, Pete Wentz.” “You’re impossible.  You know that?  Answer my question:  why are you still here?  You’re certainly not helping me tell any fucking funny jokes.  If I wanted a useless Zillennial or whatever the fuck you’re calling yourself this moon cycle, I would’ve–” “I’m going to stop you right there,” Ava interrupts, because Deborah’s starting to get mean now and Ava’s just not feeling up to being the punching bag.  Not tonight.  “I’m fucking tired of this.” “Yeah, well, me too.” “No, not this,” Ava says, voice rising as she gestures generally around the bus.  “I’m tired of this,” she says, instead pointing back and forth between them.  “Of you picking fights when I try to be real with you.  Of you still running, when I thought we were done with that.” Since Deborah can’t insult her, she simply purses her lips and says nothing at all.  Ava thinks, fuck it.  She chugs the rest of her martini and holy shit that’s a lot of vodka, then smacks the glass down as hard as she possibly can without shattering it. “It’s because I love you.  Is that what you wanted to hear?  I am in love with you and I believe in you and I think you’re the funniest fucking woman this world has ever seen, sorry, Lucille.  And I know you’re going to call me a moron and say it’s a silly crush or whatever other watered down bullshit that you tell yourself to hide yourself away, but I see you, Deborah.  You can keep me at arms length or push me away with both hands and that’s okay, if that’s what you really want.” Ava pauses, chewing at the inside of her cheek and staring across the cramped table at Deborah.  When she still says nothing, Ava gives up, sliding out from  the booth.  As she moves to pass by Deborah on the way towards her bunk at the back of the bus, she pauses and leans into Deborah’s space, her lips just a breath from the shell of Deborah’s ear.  “But for the record, I don’t think that’s what you really want.” Deborah pulls in a sharp breath and for once, Ava has the last word.

[raveyardantics]

Cringe

Summary: In The Ultimate Enemy, Valerie blames Danny (Phantom) for the inciting incident, so I thought we’d look at that a bit more. Further Inspired by the song “Cringe” by Matt Maeson too.

Characters: Valerie Gray, Damon Gray, Dark Danny/ ‘Dan’ Phantom

Word Count: 2,400

[...] She said I’m looking like a bad man, smooth criminal

She said my spirit doesn’t move like it did before

She said that I don’t look like me no more, no more

I said I’m just tired, she said you’re just high lying [...]

It was raining again in Amity Park. These last few weeks it had been a near constant -morning, noon, and night- as if god were trying to either wash away any trace of the city or clean a stubborn spot that no one else was noticing. If you asked Valerie Gray, she’d definitely tell you it was the latter, and she could even point out the blemish; the bombed out ruinscape that had once held the dignified title of “The Nasty Burger.” She stood silent in the crumbling wreckage, her face still despite how much she wanted to scream from just being near the place anymore. It had been three months since the accident, since the explosion. Six dead. Twenty-one injured. Hundreds of thousands in property damage. Zero actual answers as to what happened that night.

She should be thankful, really. She was scheduled to work doubles that entire week, but since the fight a few days before the explosion had ruined the side of the building, she had taken the extra free time to study for the C.A.T exams. Her grandpa had always said that book learning would save her life, and unfortunately, he seemed to hit the nail on the head this time. Shame it didn’t do anything for the others, she thought, kicking a piece of rubble into what used to be the dining area. 

She should be thankful…but once again she just found herself angry and sad.

Valerie told herself she wasn’t going to cry when she finally visited the restaurant. It had actually become a sort of local memorial to the fallen. “The Six” they had been called in the papers, a sick joke that served to give an air of celebrity to the victims of the tragic accident. There’d been after school group trips to The Nasty Burger by the students and faculty to put flowers in the wreckage, reporters trying to get a quote from anyone and everyone with the slightest connection to the victims or the establishment (they almost had a field day after Valerie slammed one to the ground for taking pictures of Mrs. Fenton’s sister when she came to take her home, vultures) and even a surprise appearance from Vlad Masters early on, who - in a state of shock - had offered to pay for all of the funerals. She should have felt more at ease seeing her benefactor in all of this come swooping in to play clean up, but he seemed… off. He was visibly rattled, audible mumbling about changing plans and completely losing the composure he’d had the last time they had seen each other. Even in a town already plagued by ghosts, nothing shook people quite like being too close to the dead.

Thunder rumbled and lightning illuminated the sky as Valerie remembered the last thing Mr. Masters had told her months ago; I- they haven’t seen Daniel in days… if you see him… hear from him, please, do let me know? 

He hadn’t looked at Valerie the entire time he spoke to her and honestly, she could understand why. She remembered him and Mr. Fenton discussing football and loudly laughing as they worked hard together after the town had been sucked into the ghost dimension. Zone, she corrected herself, a minor annoyance in the memory, it’s more of a ghost zone, actually. Regardless of what she or anyone else called it,  when they were stranded there the Fentons had stepped up big time, offering their technology and their home to anyone who needed it, including her and her father.

He was currently holding the umbrella for her while she took the scenery in. An ever calming presence in her life, Damon was holding back his own tears, determined not to give the rain running down his face any more company as he provided strength for his daughter. His selflessness reminded her a lot of both Tucker and Jazz, two people she didn’t get to know as well as she probably could have. Valerie remembered the dozen texts Tucker had sent the night he stood her up, apologizing and explaining that he had to go help Danny with something at the last minute. There was just something about him she couldn’t stay mad at, something genuinely charismatic there; someone who was used to playing peacemaker without a second thought because, as he said, he’s a lover not a fighter.

Well, he was.

She kept going like that for a while, thinking of all the good things about the people who were now gone. Romanticizing them a bit, sure, but not enough to dehumanize them. She thought of how often she’d seen Jazz running study groups afterschool, juggling multiple subjects with a smile on her face as she bounced from student to student. She thought about Mrs. Fenton in the lab, throwing her weight around as effortlessly as her husband while they tried to find a solution to the town invasion but still checking in on the kids to ease any building worry. She even thought about Sam and how for all her edge and venom, she was one of the most protective people Valerie had met in her long fifteen years of life.

Reflecting in grief, Valerie pictured the three of them -Danny, Tucker, and Sam- all, laughing at a booth in the Nasty Burger while she worked the counter, eavesdropping and silently wishing she had even been that close to any of her friends when she was still on top of the world. A small part of her took that thought and ran with it, wondering if there would be flowers for her too if she had met a similar fate.

Fortunately/unfortunately, she didn't have too much time to continue her morbid march down memory lane before she noticed the figure standing in the center of the destruction. He hadn’t been there when she looked up before, and given the way he shimmered in the rain, Valerie knew it wasn’t human either. Racing from the protections of her father’s umbrella, she brandished her weapon and prepared to get an answer from a dead man.

—------------------------

Danny heard the rifle charge up before he noticed anything else. A roar like a car wash vacuum cleaner starting came from behind him, the telltale sign of a weapon specifically designed to hurt things like him. 

“Put your hands up.”

It was a command nearly drowned out by the shaking in Valerie’s voice, her confidence buried under rain and rage. The roar grew closer. As did she.

“I said put your fucking hands up!”

Danny obliged her this time, raising his arms and opening his palms to show his hands were empty. She couldn’t see the smile on his face, she thought she was in control here, that she had any kind of upper hand in the current situation. Cute.

“Turn around… I want you to look at me, Phantom.”

This is where his fun began.

—-------------------------------

This is where her nightmare began. 

Rather than turning his body around to face her, Valerie heard a sound like expanding plastic, a hollow mockery of what something inhuman would imagine bones bending and breaking to sound like. Watching in horror, she saw Phantom twist his head completely around, the skin of his neck binding and piling into coils as he locked eyes with her, his hand still raised as per her previous demands. Something was wrong, and she could see that very clearly now. 

Because of their previous encounters, Valerie had gotten a pretty solid mental image of Danny Phantom, and while the thing in front of her checked a few of those boxes, it was undeniably wrong in others. Starting with the eyes, whereas he used to have eyes the color of irradiated emeralds, he was now sporting red pools of malice, windows into a place far too gone to even be called a soul. His face had warped too. Gone were the cute cherubish features she had secretly appreciated, replaced instead by sunken skin with a sickly green hue and faint red veins branching out from his eyes. Taking a step back, she noticed that the rain wasn’t even touching him, not really. Instead it was boiling and steaming as it came into contact with his hair, a roiling platinum mess of fire burning from his scalp. Valerie knew that ghosts could look bad, but this was a new level. This was bad. 

“Wha-” she began, he finger slightly easing off the trigger in pure horror, “what happened.”

Moving his still rotated head from side to side in further disregard for human anatomy, he smiled at her, enlarged fangs visible for the first time in his mouth. Before she could react further, he was in front of her, a smooth motion the force of which broke through the rain and pushed her back into the wall that was her father. Damon’s stationary mass wasn’t enough to stop their momentum though, the combination of the shockwave and the rain slicked ground sending them sliding against one of the Nasty Burger’s few remaining structures. This was definitely new.

Normally when Phantom fought, there was a floatiness to him that was equal parts whimsical… and annoying. This though, he was too grounded, almost as if he were being defiant and grinding his foot into the earth out of a single-minded hatred, determined to mar the surface of reality in any way he could. He was also laughing too much, enjoying her fear and disorientation in a way that Valerie had never seen in him before. Weapon or not, she felt terrified just being near him anymore.

“Well,” he finally said, hands glowing and sizzling as he towered over the two of them, “I’m looking, Valerie, but I can’t say I'm impressed with anything I’m-”

—------------------

Danny stopped mid taunt as the rain around Valerie and Damon began to shimmer against the outlines of a group of people. He’d been having this issue for days now, avoiding reflective surfaces as much as possible. for this exact reason. Recoiling slightly when one of the mist figures reached out to him, he snarled and hissed as they surrounded him. He recognized their faces of course; his mother and father, his sister, his friends… but they weren’t real, they couldn’t be real, he reasoned, growing more angry and unstable as the images flickered around him.

He watched their faces shift between pity and sadness as they stood between him and Valerie, his eyes flickering between red and green faster than a human eye could see. The whispers had started now, he was hearing their voices in the rainfall that gave them form. His mother offering a seat for him amongst the rubble, his sister telling him it wasn’t too late to turn back, his father standing with open arms as if that could make it all go away like he was still some simple child. There was another figure in the rain, too, a hooded figure holding a staff that seemed to stay at the edge of his vision, he seemed more real than the others, something that infuriated Danny even further. He was grabbing his head now in frustration, fingers burning themselves in the hearth of agony as Valerie and her father watched on in horror, feeling as though time was slowing down as he broke into a screaming fit in front of them.

“Killed you all,” he murmured, pushing through the rain specters to step closer to Valerie and Damon, hands crackling with energy  “again and again and again… long as it takes… killed you all.”

—----------------------

Valerie didn’t understand what was going on, but she didn’t care anymore, she’d heard enough.

Killed them all.

She squared herself to take the shot while Phantom was battling whatever demons had finally caught up to him, confident that she could finally give this town and herself some closure. Unfortunately for her, Danny had regained himself enough to deny her that. Waiting for her to take the shot, he opened  a hole in the side of his head she had aimed -moving the flesh and ectoplasm into an undulating portal like he had done so many times before- before shooting the gun out of her hands and lunging at her...In the space between them, a crack like thunder struck between the two of them, and suddenly Danny found himself on the ground, his scrawny frame pinned under the massive paternal presence of Damon Gray wearing a modified version of the Fenton gauntlets.

“Valerie,” he barked, snapping his daughter out of the shock of such a close call, “go!”

Before she could respond in either way, Danny sunk his fingers into the flesh of Damon’s  left arm, a roar of pain echoing the explosion that set all of this off. Glowing red eyes bored into his own the elder Gray felt the ground began to soften and bits of rubble sunk into the concrete. 

“Sorry, Mr. Gray,” Danny sneered, his own body now halfway sunk into the portal he’d just begun to open, “if you wanna teach me a lesson then you’ll need to be a bit more hands. On!”

Sadistically digging in further and eliciting another scream of pain, Danny didn’t notice that Valerie had picked up the gun again. With the sound of a rotting watermelon slamming into the pavement, the two separated in a cloud of dark red mist and luminescent green slime, with Damon falling back out of Danny’s area of effect and Danny holding up his freshly destroyed hands in a pantomime of clapping; laughing with maniacal glee while he finally sunk all the way into his portal with a smile.

Scrambling to reach her father in the downpour, Valerie looked at the mess around her and began to sob, careful not to touch the bleeding stump of his arm as she hugged him until she felt herself stop shaking. Relying on each other for support, the two of them stood and began to make their way to the car, more on edge than ever before and flinching at every noise they couldn’t find a source for. Helping her father into the passenger seat -his arm now freshly tourniqueted with the shirt he was wearing- Valerie took one last look at the Nasty Burger before wiping the remaining tears from her eyes and sliding herself in the driver’s seat.

“I always fucking hated this place.”