#cause i think it'll help my depressive episodes as well

[helpimstuckinafandom]

Goal this summer is getting an adhd diagnosis because I really truly can't go on like this

[probablyhuntersmom]

It's me again. The therapist/illustrator who can't stop squeaking and screaming about her beloved son Hunter.

I've been thinking nonstop about him finding the terrible grimwalker graveyard, imagining what would be going through my mind if I were him. Sifting through whatever moments, dialogue and frames that I can find from the existing material, along with references outside of the show, to formulate what an offscreen scene would've been like.. (And seeing if I can find editable and salvageable enough backgrounds so I could perhaps even depict this scene one day)

A soul like him who not only wants to help others, but also acquire knowledge:

heading back here to see the graveyard:

You can't tell me that this wouldn't still be on his mind, and he's even anxious while saying this below, scratching his face a little:

Whether he follows up on this or not, also depends on how he looks back on being shown this:

And is he just going to go cold turkey and totally drop these leads he was pursuing in the episodes before the finale? :

Three things prompted me to finally write this post:

@polyhexian's and @ashanimus's analyses of Hunter's fight scenes in Hunting Palismen and Eclipse Lake (links here and here, they're really cool to read!!), based on their years of experience with martial arts. Reading those was a revelation to me because learning about how high Hunter's skill level is, how in touch with his body he is by default, portrayed so well thanks to the crew...that allows me to make far more educated guesses about his mental health in the early stages of the pre-epilogue gap of about 4 years. Because he is so used to high activity and being on high alert, no thanks to having C-PTSD.

Observing how light and free Hunter's expressions are, and how transformed his demeanor became, in the epilogue sequence. That transformation is an indication to me of the magnitude of grief which had to be transformed within him. To be put back together, in order to be so radiant, generous and self-actualized in the epilogue...imagine how much had to be deconstructed and further broken beforehand. He wouldn't have room to fill his life up with all that amazing newness if the old isn't emptied out first.

This psychoeducational video by my fave author, also a practicing therapist, who specializes in traumatic grief: link. Hearing her address the topic of entering the second year after a bereavement vs. the first year, was interesting. Definitely confirms to me that Hunter wouldn't have carved Waffles until past the 2nd year of navigating his bereavement.

In the years that pass before the epilogue, Hunter will not be able to understand why the efforts he puts into all the rebuilding work, coordinating and leading others, and trying to have fun - only cycle back to him experiencing a mix of a restlessness and emptiness in the deepest layer of his mind. It'll exhaust his energy bit by bit. I bet he's going to generally look as tired as depressed Luz does below, even if he's had an acceptable hours of sleep per night:

That restlessness will be an awful psychological itch that he'll be unable to scratch, caused by losing Flapjack and now also Belos. This is the same as what happened with his anger in For the Future, except Belos was still alive back then. It will be harder to understand and messier to navigate the bereavement this time round. It'll be something gnawing into his soul which I really think only professional help can heal, especially since the show promotes that it's okay to not be okay, and more than okay to seek professional help (Steve and Lilith's conversation in Edge of the World).

He will be trying to claw his way out of that C-PTSD pit, but he'll be aware deep down that he simply cannot reach any emotional high points for long, and something will be blocking his feelings of connection with his loved ones. He won't feel nearly as free and easy the way he used to be in the human realm:

Having a routine like he used to in the Castle, and moving around a lot, was what helped him survive. However, he won't have the awareness that the shift resulting from Belos passing away has been at such a fundamental level: to the point that those old, supposedly tried-and-true methods no longer serve him in any positive way. At least, not until his mental health will be back in better shape.

As he puts in more and more effort to escape that restless emptiness, getting annoyed at himself because he doesn't know what's going on...he'll use up the rest of his strength and eventually crash. That itch won't be solved by going back to overworking tendencies, and like how it is with addiction cycles, he would need some kind of fix for the deep restlessness within. The answer? Productivity to feel useful, which we have seen even in his efforts to fix damaged clothing and well, making stuff in general.

Where the grimwalker graveyard comes in is...once he hears news about its existence, he will stubbornly insist to want to help in investigating it, saying he has already read a bunch of books about them, and can be useful, etc. Worse, if his offer to help to investigate is refused, he will do what he did in Eclipse Lake. Go to the location anyway, to fill that deep void within.

Old habits die hard.

I don't know if he may hear from King (who he'll be seeing fairly often, I think!), The Collector or even Kikimora about it. Since they were the three characters who went all the way down there in King's Tide, and The Collector already knew about these horrors for literal centuries. King and The Collector are also still young kids! Will they have the sensitivity and awareness about breaking this news to Hunter?!

On the other hand, I don't know how the timing will be with Darius, Raine and Eberwolf..Darius will want to get serious about investigating his mentor's disappearance. Once the searching and scouring extends to the location of the Head of the Titan, they will find the evidence staring them in the face. If they want to scour every inch of the Isles, there's also a high chance they'll find the godforsaken grimwalker lab.

Worst of all, Darius would be aware by then of how much Hunter loves to help out in operations like this to be productive. At the same time, Darius's own grief will surface even more, I'm not sure he'll be able to hide that, and Hunter is highly observant. If Darius is trying to hide his own priority of finding closure re: his mentor, I think Hunter will sense that.

Therefore I wonder if this will happen except it's Hunter with Darius:

and then this poor beloved skrunkly son of mine, who so famously said these words at the beginning of his arc:

is probably going to get reckless, and endanger his mental health...not unlike moments like this:

by venturing to the graveyard, whether stealthily or accompanying the grownups, because he'll rationalize it as "getting closure" and once again "being useful". Remember how used he is to moving around so much and being active, combined with growing up isolated so that asking for help can still be a foreign concept to him. He would be anxious about grinding to a halt, and he'd want to be on the move instead.

He may demand to see the graveyard, and holy Titan I'm not sure any dilemma will be as tricky for Camila and Darius to navigate as this one. Because preventing him from seeing something he already knows exists is, in a very twisted way, also an unhelpful form of avoidance. Avoidance is a hallmark criterion for diagnosing both PTSD and C-PTSD.

How far do they go in protecting him from himself? Where do they draw that line? They might reach a compromise where Camila and Darius accompany him there. Once he sees it, it'll hit harder than this:

Letting him see it means his new parents would have to fall with him, in the sense that they follow him to that emotional place: but while he figuratively does not have a safety harness when falling into this deep dark hole, Camila and Darius are equipped with harnesses a.k.a. higher maturity, less of a trauma history, and some tools to help him get better, navigate the trauma, and manage his symptoms.

Camila will have the warmth and sensitivity to catch and meet him as he falls (she interacts with animals in her profession, who don't have the capacity for human language, in a similar way to how serious trauma can't even be put into words at times: it makes you voiceless). Darius's shared past living in the Castle and grieving over his mentor will help Hunter not feel as alone once he has seen these horrors.

And because his heart generally became more open to receiving love and support,

I doubt he'll close himself off almost completely, the way he did in the first two-thirds of For the Future (god, remember these deleted storyboards??):

It wouldn't surprise me if he weeps and panics as soon as he sees the graveyard, and his parents give him maximum support through that breakdown. As complicated as it would be for Camila and Darius to give in to his desire to see the graveyard, a response like this from him - a child seeking attachment with proper timing - is a good sign of growing into healthy attachment with parental figures.

It is an arguably better response than one of the hardest aspects of C-PTSD: where the outpouring of grief only happens after a delay, sometimes a significant delay, at very inconvenient or strange times. Hell...if I were Hunter, I'd probably want Camila and Darius to just hold me close in wordless silence for half an hour until my initial distress and shock passes.

If I use King - a child who is securely attached to Eda, who's definitely had a more stable upbringing - as a control experiment here, he could have the appropriate response immediately in Echoes of the Past and expressed his emotional needs clearly enough:

Whereas this is what Hunter has to now learn, at twice King's age, as he settles in with new parents who take care of him instead of mistreating him the way Belos did. Hell, I can't imagine what kind of Belos punishment awaited him if he cried to demand attachment.

(I need to use more King scenes as a comparison to Hunter's upbringing in my next metas! I realize this can make my explanations clearer)

Anyway, what may happen next after he can't unsee the graveyard is...Hunter will then swing to the other extreme of high activity. I.e. being passive, physically inactive and psychologically crashing into depression, which may translate into habits such as oversleeping (catching up on all that lost sleep...but at what cost?). Supposedly sliding deeper into the C-PTSD pit. A place from which he has to express the desire to seek the forms of help he needs.

Remember that this kid has only known extremes for most of his life. Until he settles in properly with his found family and attends therapy, he has no clear reference point for more balanced approaches in living.

The trauma he went through is a quadruple whammy for a 16-year-old who just survived growing up in a cult. It would be so much. I can't see him not falling into months of deep dark depression, as unfortunate as this sounds.

Grieving over Flapjack, grieving over Belos, over his childhood/upbringing, and now a grisly memory of his predecessors who didn't make it (to add to what he saw in Belos's mindscape). I simply cannot see him handling a load like this without a highly-equipped and sensitive professional, paired with his support network of family, friends and even possibly the wider community at times. Especially now that we've seen him in action during the epilogue.

The epilogue sequence would've had a different feel (and in my opinion, a not-so-good feel) for me if Dana had established that the grimwalker graveyard was still untouched after those 3.5-4 years and if Hunter never found out about it. Something like that is different compared to Dana mentioning in the recent Post-Hoot that in the he does not know about Caleb and Evelyn, or that he is related to the Clawthornes. Mysteries like the Clawthorne heritage can remain an eerie secret that only us in the audience know about, but I wouldn't feel comfy if this were the case for the graveyard as well.

To quote @idlescree's video essay about Hunter's death (link), the show's writers didn't pull any punches when it came to Hunter's development arc. Which means they had to take his story to the "categorically appropriate place for him to overcome" his greatest challenges.

Something tells me that with respect to the grimwalker graveyard and the avoidance theme in C-PTSD recovery, Hunter would've had to put in more work to confront a number of terrifying foes even beyond his Thanks to Them speech. One of which was the graveyard containing the remains of his predecessors.

PS: This is a spontaneous post which branches out from my giant post-finale meta (link) that I pinned to my blog, I suppose.

[skippyv20]

Hi Skippy! I was thinking this morning about how blessed  this entire community is to have you as our fearless leader. I’ve followed you for years, and have often sought your advice and counsel on many very personal issues. You never fail to come through with wisdom, empathy, and kindness. So thank you for being you and shining some much-needed light onto this world. 

I wanted to give you a long-overdue update. I am the attorney anon who wrote last year about mental health, job, and family struggles, including a challenging marriage, a child with special needs, and a new diagnosis of bipolar disorder after suffering 30 years with wrong diagnoses and medication.

First the good news: my moods have stabalized on a new cocktail of meds, and I haven't had a severe depressive episode for almost a year! My mania is better too, but I do have some uncomfortable side effects. I am on lithium, and I worry about kidney issues and/or developing diabetes, which are two possible side effects.

Second bit of good news - I'm now working back at my old organization. If you told me that this time last year, I'd never have believed you. I was convinced my days as an atty were over because of my mental health issues. I considered filing for disability. The role is one I haven't held in 8 years, I had moved onto a prestigious position in that org before jumping ship to another org for a promotion. So it's a bit humbling to be back in this role, but I'm grateful to be here. I was stuck in a nightmare at my last job, which included at the end fighting disability discrimination.

Bad news: I still worry about my son, who is now 7, and doesn't seem to be where he needs to be. I've done everything for him, 4-5 different therapies a week since his premature birth. He has a physical disability and, while he is very smart and can keep up with his class, he just seems different than other boys his age.

My husband is incapable of providing emotional support, and I do think sometimes I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I am not happy, he is not happy, but I'm so afraid to cut the cord. My brother is going through a divorce and I know if I do too it'll cause my elderly parents even more distress. But this is a guy who - get this - snapped at waiters who came to the table carrying (free) cake to sing  happy birthday a few weeks ago. It was crazy and scary, and i just don't want to deal with a person like this anymore. I'm 42 now, not in my mid-30s like when you told me to be strong and leave him years ago...is it too late? I see signs of aging when I look in the mirror and I've gained some weight. I'm worried I've lost all of my appeal and don't want to be alone. My husband is very responsible and does do a lot of things around the house and for our son. If he didn't, it'd be a no brainer to divorce, but maybe it's worth salvaging for the help with things I can't always get to because of my issues? Not to mention our son would be crushed. 

Hi! So nice to hear from you. Thank you for such kind words, but I must say…I am NOT a leader. I am just here struggling along with everyone else. We get through one day at a time, together! Nice to know some things have changed. That is so wonderful your meds are working so well. Don’t spend time worrying about the side effects. If you focus on those you are robbing yourself of joy. If you just keep going for your scheduled appts with your doctor, he will be watching for you.

I understand what you mean about being in one job and going back to another. I was working as a secretary in the government. I was chosen to create a new intake position, that was non existent. It was a six month term. At the end of the six months, I was back as a secretary being supervised again, by the same woman I had been supervising for six months. Everyone thought it was so strange. I didn’t though. I look at things differently I guess. A job is a job, and whatever it is, as long as you know you are doing the best you can….it doesn’t matter what the job is. You just take it one day at a time. After all, a job is not your whole life…right?

Children are strange little things. They do things at their own rate. He sounds like he is doing very well, he is keeping up! Great job! Seems different than other boys? That is ok…your child is who he is….it’s not a contest. Different is ok. My daughter was different as a child, an old soul. She is different now as she is bipolar. There are quirks….makes life interesting…..embrace him, just as he is….

I will always advise anyone who is being emotionally or physically abused to leave. You say you aren’t happy, and he isn’t happy? Perhaps a marriage counsellor? People get too comfy in their lives, and don’t want to change things. No one likes the unknown future. You mention your parents, and your son being distressed? Timing is always a problem…when is the best time? You say your husband is a great help…see to me…there must still be something there, I couldn’t find one good reason to stay with my ex, and believe me…he did all the cooking, he cleaned like no other, he did everything….that was one of the biggest problems for me…I couldn’t do anything, he told me that all the time.

Bipolar people can see things differently. They can hear things said one way only….it will be negative. It takes time, love and patience to communicate with someone who is bipolar. People don’t understand that unless you tell them. I have had to learn to speak to my daughter differently. Maybe you need to explain that to your husband. If you want to save this marriage, it will take work on both sides. Communication is everything. I know some think being bipolar one just needs meds….no…not true. It’s much more involved than that.

Anyways, I am so proud of you! You sound so much better. I really, really appreciate you dropping by, so nice to hear from you. You are in my prayers. I send love and hugs….and…thank YOU for staying with me!🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[booasaur]

SPOILERS for Warrior Episode 4

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Where to fucking start with this episode? The beginning of the episode broke my heart all over again. So much death and destruction! Even worse is the rift it caused between Ah Toy and Nellie. Ah Toy blaming Nellie and herself for indulging in this fantasy that was too good to be true. It’s easier for Nellie to be optimistic with her privilege as a wealthy white lady. In season 2 she pushed Nellie away because it wasn’t safe in Chinatown. Now she’s pushing Nellie away because it’s not  safe for them outside of Chinatown. Ah Toy leaving after telling Nellie “Happy mean nothing if you are dead.” Fucking hell. 

Ah Toy going back to Chinatown and immediately throwing herself back into work. Staring in the mirror, the bruises on her face. Covering up her wounds and trauma with makeup, wearing her dress like armor. Back to square one again and it sucks. It was sweet when Ah Sahm came to see her though. We also see the darkness in Lai rising again, poor baby. I guessed that Ah Toy’s line was gonna be the title, “In Chinatown, no one think about forever.”

Finally, Nellie is crushed when that judge took her away their land as “imminent domain.” She starting to see the limits of her power as a wealthy white woman, because of sexism. The fucking audacity of Dickhead to be like “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Nellie was unhinged and dragged his ass in front of everyone. Flashbacks to Penny and Buckley last season…please don’t throw her in an asylum! It wasn’t surprising that he bribed the judge. If he did that, then what’s the point of attacking the vineyard and killing innocent women?? Male ego and pettiness, that’s what!

I hope we’ll see Ah Toy and Nellie  together again next episode. They need each other more than ever now! Ah Toy will get revenge eventually, so Dickhead better watch out!

Yeah, the opening was brutal, and the thing is, normally I'd think Ah Toy is reacting more to her internalized fear and indeed, punishing herself for daring to wish for more, for herself, but in the end she's right. Usually Nellie WOULD be able to use her lawyers and money would win, but you can't win against someone who's just as white and wealthy as you and also male and who wants power and uses that to influence others. It's such a good point, why attack when you were already going to get the land? Just plain evil.

Indeed, now, I'm not sure what the plot is for Nellie going forward. They probably won't repeat something from before, but her role on the show is tied so strongly to Ah Toy, what is there for her if they're separated? And as much as I wish they are back together in the next ep, I think this is the part of that review where Ah Toy is going to be depressed, because in effect she has lost Nellie. If she were to get that support again, I feel like that would help resolve her arc too quickly. I think there's more of downward spiral in store for her, for all of them, until enough is enough.

But, you know, that actually makes me more hopeful for Nellie's future, at least at the moment. It's absolutely very possible that she does die in the next eps, but there's no narrative weight to it now, she's already lost everything, and she and Ah Toy are already separated. Its biggest impact would have been when they were happy together, so in ep 3, actually. Now... I'm just not sure.

That scene of Ah Toy putting on the makeup was so good! Sad but very effective and honestly, kind of beautiful. Although, see, that's where I think it IS her punishment for herself and inability to accept she deserves more that stops Ah Sahm, because, well, why not assassinate him? They've done it before. But I guess that's literally her season's arc. It'll happen, hopefully, even if later on, that's the "getting even" part the review addresses.

[deathlygristly]

Sometimes I find things I wrote online a long time ago and they contain memories that I no longer have.

I've seen that post about what would you have posted about if you were on here when you were 11, and I was like hmmm, the Holocaust, My Little Pony, ACC basketball, Sherlock Holmes, Edgar Allan Poe, The Little Mermaid, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, and also apparently according to the old posts I found Gandhi and MLK Jr. It would appear that several years ago I remembered a fascination with them coming after the interest in the Holocaust.

Which makes sense, I guess. Little me trying to find some hope in humanity afterwards. I mean, that is around the time my mother signed me up for Big Brother, Big Sister. I heard her on the phone saying that she didn't know what to do with me and I was terrified she was giving me up for adoption. Turned out it was more that she didn't know how to handle an existentially depressed preteen who would look at the most beautiful spring days and imagine smoke rising from the crematorium.

Also when I wrote those posts I was having a similar reaction about healthcare here in the US, trying to find a way to live in a world where I was under the control of other members of my species who were fine with extreme suffering and cruelty and who enjoyed causing it. It was shortly after the ulcer where my choices were to go to the ER or die, so the cost of healthcare here was on my mind a lot.

Then came Trump, and finally my choices were adapt to living on the same planet as humans or die. I chose to adapt. Got medication for the anxiety and managed to find some level of seeing and appreciating the most beautiful spring days and being extremely happy with that and just letting the human darkness go so I could live.

So if I don't reblog much political content on here and I unfollow/block people I don't know well who reblog a lot of the darker and more vicious stuff, it's because of that choice. Me talking about how awesome the spousal person is, about how it's fun to watch kdramas and try teas with him, about how cool the cats are, etc - that's all me choosing to live.

Humans are gonna human and I can't stop it or control it or do anything about it, but I can appreciate beauty and I can laugh and I can pet cats and I can hug the spousal person and I can live as well as I can, since I was born on this planet and I have no other choice anyway.

It is still interesting and fun occasionally to wonder about how humans work and to try to understand where the cruelty and enjoyment of causing suffering comes from or even how much of it is the result of conscious choice and how much of it is just the unfortunate result of how human brains work in certain situations.

And if anything trying to learn about that more has helped, because the more I've learned the more I've realized that a lot of it comes from a cycle of abuse and trauma and how human brains react to that cycle, and how most humans aren't scary monsters who enjoy hurting others. They're mostly just traumatized and/or ignorant and/or trying to survive as best they know how and/or desperate to stay included in their tribe. They're more pitiful than scary, and I mean pitiful as in inspiring much pity, not as an insult.

I think probably the only thing I can do about humans being human is to try to be kind and help others, and doing what I can to keep myself joyful helps with that.

I don't know. Anyway tonight we're going to pick up a sanity pill refill, aka escitalopram, and eat at our favorite restaurant, so we'll only have time for one episode. Which there aren't any new shows airing today that we're into so it'll be an episode of Faith, aka The Great Doctor. It's from 2012 when kdramas did not have the budget they have now and it's very amusing. Also it's from before the Joseon Exorcist controversy so it's actually based on real history near the end of the Goryeo dynasty and it's fun learning about the real people the characters are based on.

[iamasaddie]

I ally I hope you’re doing well🥺🥺

I don’t know how much this might mean to you but I’m so proud of you for having the courage of taking a break from here cause it’s always a good thing doing it especially when it starts messing with our mental health ♥️

And if it’s because of Pedro hat you needed a break I’m so sorry cause I know what it means when this hyperfixation becomes so bad that you feel so overwhelmed like you’re about to explode. I feel you, I’m trying to work on this cause it really started messing up with my mental health and life decisions that I came to a point where I started hated my life cause it’s practically impossible for me to even meet P

Thank you, love, that's greatly appreciated!

I don't think I took a break specifically because I was overstimulated by the about of Pedro content, but it's just everything kinda alligned at the same time: pre-birthday depression episode, overstimulation and emotional rollercoaster with Pedro and the content ofc, and I was kinda feeling less happy about the fandom and my place in it. So all of these factors played out at the same time and I decided to leave and see if it'll help.

It kinda did, but I will be monitoring how much time I spend online now, and won't let it be my whole life and my only source of good emotions.

Hope you feel better, always put yourself and the serenity of your soul first, because no one else in this whole world cares enough to do that for you <3

[marley-manson]

Marley, how would you have developed Trapper's personality post s3? What do you think would have been some of his flaws that might have come to light?

Thanks for asking, this was really fun to answer!

Well my favourite way of depicting flaws is as a two sides of the same coin sort of thing with virtues. That's one reason I interpret Trapper's temptation to kill the PoW as his protective urge rearing its head, because I like when virtues can get dark. So that's something I'd definitely want to explore.

Say, an episode where Trapper bonds with one of his patients who gets sent out to die unnecessarily as soon as he rejoins his unit, and ends up right back on his table again, except this time he doesn't make it. The commander visits a la Preventative Medicine, and Hawkeye and Trapper clash bc Trapper straight up wants to kill him. Maybe Hawkeye suggests taking out his appendix and therefore taking him off his command as a compromise lol, and you can see that he's kind of freaked out by how far Trapper will go.

Another, somewhat opposing way his protectiveness could be a flaw is if he thinks Hawkeye is going too far on one of his campaigns and takes it upon himself to shut it down to keep Hawkeye from getting court martialed, in a way that negatively affects Hawkeye. I def think this could be in character - Trapper was always pretty ride or die in the first three seasons, but he also had a vibe of navigating Hawkeye's urges with practicalities as well as looking out for Hawkeye (eg Adam's Ribs, Dr Pierce and Mr Hyde, House Arrest) and when the show takes a turn towards consequences being more of a thing I could see him being portrayed as more cautious while still being IC.

Like BJ's line between what he'll join Hawkeye on vs what he'll mock him for seems to be based on usefulness, as far as I can tell, rather than risk. He'll join him in Guerilla My Dreams but he'll mock him in Depressing News, eg. I could see Trapper having a line he'll draw when Hawkeye gets too reckless. Like maybe he'd be supportive in Depressing News but try to shut him down in Guerilla My Dreams, especially if the consequences of Hawkeye getting caught helping a North Korean prisoner escape were considered more realistically, as opposed to them just getting lectured lol.

I could also see the opposite being in character too of course - like he already happily took out an appendix with Hawkeye, plus he's done stupid shit himself like the aforementioned Radar's Report or trying to desert in Mail Call, so maybe he'd join him no matter how risky his plans are. But yk, it's a possible direction the show could've theoretically gone in. It wouldn't necessarily be contradictory either, just yk, a little hypocritical.

Though if you go with the ride or die vibe, that could also be a virtue taken so far it becomes a flaw at times. Maybe he should try to stop Hawkeye sometimes, but he doesn't, and one or the other nearly gets court martialed, but like, in a serious way lol. Or maybe they antagonize the wrong person and Hawkeye gets hurt. Maybe Trapper thinks that he should be the realistic, cautious one, but he fails to follow through because he enjoys Hawkeye's campaigns too much.

Like in the first three seasons I see him as finding Hawkeye pretty inspiring and admirable, because he's idealistic in a way Trapper isn't, which is partly why Trapper helps him on his campaigns and stuff. He helps inspire Trapper to try to make whatever differences he can.

But his cynicism could be a good flaw too, so conversely maybe as the war wears on and Hawkeye's campaigns usually end up going nowhere and his own little hope spots end sadly (eg Kim) he could fall into a more BJ-esque "what's the point, you can't change anything" role.

Or he could still support Hawkeye but in a going through the motions kind of way, where it's obvious he doesn't think it'll make a difference and he's just doing it as a distraction from the boredom and despair, and it causes a few arguments between them, with Hawkeye annoyed at his attitude. Yk, really explore Hawkeye's idealistic need to affect the world around him vs Trapper's more fatalistic attitude and how it could cause them to clash.

Also I feel like Mail Call would have to get a dramatic reprise with some actual build up and good writing behind it lol, so something with Trapper snapping and trying to desert and Hawkeye having to pull him back from the edge would be good. In general the fact that Mail Call was so sudden is like... idk, you have to downplay it a bit because it's not sustainable, but it does suggest that Trapper is hanging on by a thread at all times lol. So I mean, exploring that would be interesting. How close is Trapper to snapping and deserting at any given time? Is there an element of self-destructiveness to it? Is he at risk of walking into the minefield at some point? You could go some dark places with that.

Though incidentally I don't think Trapper knocking Hawkeye out of his way was a relevant character note (people compare it to the Period of Adjustment punch lol but it's really not comparable at all to me) and I don't think BJ-esque deep-seated rage is really his thing. Maybe it could've been if Wayne Rogers had stayed on and BJ had never appeared and they'd built on it more, but as-is I don't think he's the "taking my feelings out on other people" type. When he lashes out in Radar's Report and Mail Call he has different reasons for it, and Hawkeye is the main instigator against Frank, Trapper tends to just go along with it.

Like I think instead of repressed/sublimated rage which imo BJ and Hawkeye both have to an extent, Trapper maybe has repressed despair.

(Also, speaking of Trapper and despair, if Trapper got a dream in Dreams it would have to feature his kids playing hopscotch in a minefield or something, right? Combine his protectiveness, his helplessness, and his difficulty imagining an end to the war. Maybe it could shift to him operating on one of them with Potter handing him a scalpel to keep his sinister commander motif which I love.)

lol ANYWAY my answer's kind of all over the place, sorry, but yk, there are a lot of potential directions to go with Trapper's flaws imo. As far as what I'm into I could be down for any of this, but I really like the idea of a Hawk v Trap version of Preventative Medicine where Trapper wants to go too far for Hawkeye, Trapper supporting Hawkeye against his better judgement when the consequences could be bad for Hawkeye, and Trapper's fatalistic cynicism driving him to dark, self-destructive places occasionally.

[lil-goddess]

i don't take nearly as many photos as i used to thx to my body dysmorphia and self image issues. one day ill look at myself and think im a bad bitch, and then ill look at myself again and think, "wow im so ugly. im gonna kms"

i felt like the latter for almost 2 years now bc i was on abilify. i was literally a zombie, a husk of my former self. friends and family of mine were concerned and constantly told me i needed to change meds thru my psychiatrist, but i refused because i was afraid of going into my manic and psychotic episodes bc i hurt so many people that way in 2020 during the holidays. my own brother and my ex said they'd rather see my going off the rails than act be a meek, timid, quiet person, bc it wasnt me. the one thing i miss about that personality tho was that my thoughts were quiet. i didn't have the racing thoughts like before, which drove me into insanity and having outbursts to those around me.

well, i stopped taking abilify a while ago and my psychiatrist got me on effexor instead. after 2 months, i started getting manic and bc my dumbass forgot to take my doses and was taking 2 at a time (like I'd do with my birth control) and i got yelled at by my mom and my psychiatrist after informing them bc that's what caused my lack of sleep, night sweats, and manic episodes.

so she explained that im going to get off the effexor slowly so i don't get any severe side effects from stopping cold turkey and prescribed me to lamotragine (i call it lamos for short because they're fucking lame. i have to take it twice a day jfc)

and it's been about a month since ive been on them. i took them in the past, but i can't recall how well it worked thx to my depression suppressing my memories. not to mention i was smoking a fuck ton of weed. my psychiatrist mentioned that in order for my meds to work properly, i would need to stop smoking weed (thc specifically) and switch to cbd to help calm myself. i didn't start taking her advice until about a week before my next appointment with her.

so i guess it's been like a monthish since ive smoked my pen and flower. i can already see an improvement in how well i retain information and remembering things i knew from when i was a kid. im still an airhead, but i always was tho. i was definitely booksmart, i always loved to read and enjoyed English class when i was in school.

now that im 25 and i live in one of the most highly sex trafficked cities in the world. im more street smart now. i check under my car if anyone is waiting to slash my ankles, i check my backseat of my car, i look behind and around me if im walking by myself (day or night).

i live on the east side of my town and it's mainly known for the suburban life, but it's very close to the north and southeast side, where the crime rate is so high. gun shots are always heard, rape, murder, etc is constantly happening.

ive never felt safe in this city. especially as a kid, almost everyday when i would walk to my bus or walk home from my bus stop, there were fucking creeps (well within their late 20s sometimes even in their 40s) that would honk their horn at me and whistle.

well as an adult now, it doesn't happen nearly as much anymore since i mainly drive for my main source of transportation.

but it still hasn't stopped. i still get cat called while im doing my errands and i remember the night after i got home on my very first date with a GIRL (i knew her from 6th grade and she was probably the first girl ive ever had a crush on and i didn't see her after that bc she got expelled and i saw her again most recently after like 10+ yrs) there were 2 men in a white truck and they saw me get out of my car in my driveway. the driver made a complete stop and i saw them staring at me with my brother by my side. i clearly told them from across the street to "take a fucking picture, it'll last longer" and they drove off and i went inside. i felt so uncomfortable after that. i had the realization that those creeps know where i live and can break into my home and do what they want. i should've gotten their license plate but i didn't think to at that moment.

every year goes by with the hopes that it gets better, but it doesn't. it gets worse. and i think to myself, "wow that was the worst year of my life." and then the next year comes and im proven wrong. it gets even more worse.

im going back to school to get a license in cosmetology and it's literally high school all over again. ive gotten into arguments with multiple girls in my class room due to their pettiness, cattiness, racism, or homophobia.

all the girls in my class either hate me, ignore me, or keep their distance bc of my manic episodes.

so bc i dont really get along with them, ive managed to make new friends with the girls in the more advanced class. it's like me, a freshman, befriending the juniors/seniors. they're all due to graduate in about a month so i will be left by myself again. this is literally history repeating itself and im doomed unless if i break the cycle.

tl;dr

im a depressed bitch that's bipolar and have bpd. im going to school to have purpose in life in hopes that i will become successful and move out of my abusive childhood home. i don't feel safe in the city i live. i don't feel like i belong anywhere.

[nicobaka]

CLEARING UP AND EXPLAINING SOME THINGS THAT PEOPLE TEND TO MISUNDERSTAND ABOUT GRAY, JUVIA, AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP

(warning: spoilers. It's also gonna be some LONG ass shit lmao. Sorry for typos in advance)

I heard a lot of people hating Gruvia for things that they misunderstood (or just straight-up dismiss/ignore) about the ship, and so I thought I'd clear up and explain some of those here because I just think all this hate towards the ship is unnecessary especially when most of their reasons of why they hate the ship aren't really valid or reasonable.. I mean, yeah, you can dislike and hate it all you want, we all have different preferences. But the level of hate Gruvia gets for reasons that are already proven false and untrue is just unbelievable. Like people saying Gray is somehow "controlled" by Juvia, or that Gray has "Stockholm syndrome" when Juvia never even tried to kidnap Gray... And worse is when people start to spread misinformation and slander the ship, spreading hate and negativity towards the ship for reasons that are again, proven to be untrue.

[ GRAY'S BIG TSUNDERE ASS ]

Gruvia is not one-sided, it's just that Gray's a big frickin Tsundere and that he refuses to show affection, so he may come off as cold to her sometimes. Although later on he realized that he should accept his feelings for Juvia rather than pushing her away and trying to run away from his own feelings before he regrets it, so now he has become less of a Tsundere and is trying to become a better person for her (but still a Tsundere lmao)

[ GRAY'S PAST AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ]

Gray does not dislike nor hate Juvia, even from the very beginning after they just met. Hell, even right after their fight in their first meeting. After their first actual meeting, Gray even helped her, saved her, made her happy, and even smiled with her. He wouldn't have done all that if he disliked her. He wouldn't have said he has no problem with Juvia joining the guild if he disliked her. He wouldn't hang around with Juvia inside and even outside the guild if he disliked her. He wouldn't have worried and felt bad about her not passing the exam of he disliked her. He wouldn't have carried her running away from danger even though she already said she can run away by herself if he disliked her. He wouldn't have agreed to going out with Juvia, which clearly meant as a date to her, if he disliked her. He wouldn't have lived with her for half a year if he disliked her. He would have agreed with Juvia leaving him alone if he disliked her, but instead he hugged her, thanked her, and cried on her arms. He wouldn't have sacrificed himself for her safety if he disliked her.... I can go on and on for hours with this honestly. But the point is, he clearly doesn't dislike nor hate Juvia. He even said he's grateful for having Juvia always by his side.

It's just he didn't wanna get too attached to her. He has always thought ever since as a child that it's his responsibility / fault whenever someone he cares for dies. He blames himself for it, consciously or unconsciously, and puts the burden upon himself. He feels like whenever he gets too attached to someone, they would leave him and when that happens it'll be his fault. That's the reason why he seemed cold to her sometimes, it's that he doesn't wanna get too attached to her, afraid that she would just leave him like the others...

"I'm going to avenge my mother and father!"

"I wasn't... able to do anything..."

"It's your fault, Gray." (Lyon)

"It's my fault that Ul died 10 years ago"

"No matter how much time pass, it won't change the fact that it's my fault Ul's dead!"

"I lost both mother and daughter..."

Him trying to push Juvia away by being cold to her is most likely something he did unconsciously, since he himself wasn't really sure about his feelings for her and having the fear of loosing his loved ones before, at least when it was just starting. But as we already know, his attempt of trying to not get too attached to her wasn't successful. It didn't have any chance of being successful to begin with since the reason why he didn't want to get too attached to her and why he had developed the fear of loosing her in the first place is because he's already attached to her from the beginning. He was the one to save her, worries about her a lot, cares for her, protects her, and spends a lot of his time with her, which made him even more attached to her. Which explains his expression at that one recent official Gruvia art which some fans didn't like... He looks like he feels like he shouldn't fall in love with Juvia, but he really just can't help it.

And when it actually almost happened, when Juvia almost killed herself for him, it finally became clear to him what he feels about her, and he realized that it was stupid and cowardly for him to try and avoid Juvia and his very own feelings, because of his damned childhood trauma. He could've lost all the chances he had with her forever, with all those efforts she spent on him all be put in vain. And now that he realized this, that doesn't make the fear of loosing her disappear. It can't be erased just like that. But instead of avoiding, hiding, and keeping his feelings like before, he's trying to improve and be a better person for her that can protect her no matter what.

[ THE LOVE POTION THINGY IS NOT CANON ]

The episode about Juvia buying potions made her look bad for some fans. It was not in the Manga. It's not canon. The part where Lucy expected Natsu to confess (which was seen in the same episode) is canon, since it is from the Manga. But the part where Juvia buys love potion and uses it to try and get Gray is not in that chapter, nor is it in any chapter in the manga, meaning it's not canon and is an anime-only part. Well personally I found it quite funny, but some fans really hated Juvia on that one.

[ JUVIA IS NOT A YANDERE B*TCH ]

I saw a lot of people referring to Juvia as a "yandere" and portraying Juvia as such.. Juvia is NOT a yandere girl who will kill you if you reject her and shit. If anything, she's the opposite. She can NEVER hurt Gray. She'd rather kill herself than hurt Gray. When she thinks she's making Gray uncomfortable, she immediately apologizes. When she thought she disrespected Ul's death anniversary by saying it should be a happy day for Gray because it's their anniversary (she didn't know it was Ul's death anniversary at first), she felt very sorry and disappointed in herself. The reason she couldn't approach him at the start was because she didn't want to make him and his friends uncomfortable, and because she isn't used to socializing with other people (add the fight with Phantom Lord which caused the guild a lot of trouble, plus how people always disliked and pushed Juvia away). Basically, Juvia has, or at least had social anxiety. At first, she couldn't approach Gray because she was extremely nervous. Juvia also wasn't as bold as she is now towards Gray at the start, she was shy and was shown to even stutter a lot trying to express her thoughts to Gray and the guild members. Yeah, she becomes extremely mad when someone threatens Gray's life, but that's just like Natsu being mad when someone threatens to kill Lucy. Or Gray being mad when someone threatens Erza's life. Or Mira being mad when someone threatens her siblings lives.. But Juvia didn't even actually kill Meredy (the one who did threaten to kill Gray), but instead even became friends with her! A yandere would do the total opposite. I think that if Gray ever rejects her, she wouldn't even be mad at him, but would probably be very depressed and think a lot about what she did wrong.. She was even willing to give up on him in Tartaros Arc, when she had to kill Gray's father, she thought she doesn't deserve to love him anymore after what she did so she was willing to finally give up and leave him alone... When yanderes are the kind of people who'd go as far as to kill every other person close to you just so they can have you for themselves...

But Gray himself does not want her to leave. Even though he seems annoyed with how Juvia is clingy towards him and all that, in reality, he doesn't want her to leave. He hugs her and says "thank you" to Juvia for being the one to "kill" Silver, saving his father and finally letting his father rest in peace, so that Gray didn't have to kill his father himself. Silver himself wanted to die and even thanked Juvia for that so I don't really understand why people hate her because of it. And if Gray disliked or hated Juvia, he definitely would have agreed about her leaving him alone.

The main reason why Juvia acts like this is because she's trying to show her love for others that she wasn't able to show before, since she was always rejected, avoided, disliked, and even hated by others. She's always pushed away by others. So now that someone (Gray) didn't push her away and showed care for her, she didn't want to miss the opportunity of finally feeling loved and being able to share her love.

And Gray, together with the guild, accepted her. She wants to feel loved and accepted, so she's trying all her best to not be seen as someone gloomy or unlikable that others used to think she is. She does things that she thinks would make them happy, she does things that she thinks would make them accept her. But since she never really knew how to interact with other people before she joined the guild, and the people she used to be with were toxic as hell, she comes off as awkward sometimes. But she's growing, together with Gray and the guild, she's growing.

[ THE LOVE RIVAL" THING IS JUST FOR COMIC RELIEF AND WAS NEVER SERIOUS ]

She may say "Love Rival!!" when someone's getting close to Gray, but it's only put as comic relief and she was not actually serious about it. Even Lucy, the one whom she always calls her "rival", never took it seriously. If Lucy did, she would have never approached Gray ever again, or hated Juvia for it. If Juvia was really serious about her so called "threats", they would have kicked her out of the guild long ago. Plus, she may act like that, but in reality, she cares for and is willing to sacrifice for her friends, including Lucy. And Lucy herself knows that. Even Gray knows when she's just joking around and even called her out for joking at serious times.

It's sad that people say that they are concerned about Gray and Juvia "forcing" herself into him when they don't really actually think about and consider what Gray is actually feeling towards her.. Gray loves her, she loves Gray. Just let them be happy. Gray has lost too much, at least let him enjoy being with Juvia.

Anyways, I'M NOT FORCING YOU TO LIKE THE SHIP, WE ALL HAVE PREFERENCES. But I'm just trying to make you understand both characters, their relationship and development a little more. Well, this is mainly just from my perspective tho. Especially with all the hate this ship gets and how misunderstood both characters are and the things they do. And if you got to this part, thanks for reading all of this lmao this is my first time posting something like this in Tumblr, I hope it wasn't that confusing.

[anxious-ace]

This is just a chunk of a conversation the QFTIM crew had after they finished getting all of the pieces and saving the world (contains heavy shit, red text is Cup speaking, black text is Bendy, orange-ish is Boris, light blue is Mugs, purple is Oswald and the green text is what Felix is writing down and what Mugs reads out loud, there is also pink text to show action happening). It starts weirdly I know.

So Felix, how are you feeling?

I am having a depressive episode, I feel like I physically can't speak or I'll say something hurtful on accident.

Do you usually feel like this?

Sadly yes, this happens after every adventure I go on because I constantly feel like I should've done more.

Sorry to hear that, but why do you feel like this?

I don't know if I should say it.

No one will know since you're writing it down.

Yeah, but I don't know who will find this.

*Cuphead walks in after a phone call*

What's going on?

Can I tell him?

Go ahead, he's no stranger.

He's having a depressive episode and doesn't want to talk.

That explains the book, if he doesn't want to talk I won't interrogate him.

*Bendy and Boris walk in after, something*

Bendy and Boris are here.

Oh hey, how are you two doing? Is the ink illness gone?

100% gone, I'm free.

*Felix starts coughing*

Woah, you ok Felix?

Yeah, I have a bad immune system though.

Back to the depressive episode, how long does it usually last for?

3 to 5 days at the least, it's lasted a whole month before.

Jesus christ, what happened to cause THAT!?

One of my past teammates was presumed dead.

Huh? You also said that you feel that you should've done more after every adventure, why is that?

I have a shit dad, yes Bendy, this is the same one who sold my soul before I was born.

*some fight happens*

The hell was that about?

No idea.

Felix, can you stop moving my chair?

Oh, sorry. I need ideas for a title.

Wait are you, actually writing a book about the quest we went on?

Yes.

That's why you had us write those perspectives.

Exactly.

I've always wanted to ask this, why do you write?

I use writing as a coping mechanism.

Is that why you wrote "The Oracle's Curse"?

I couldn't keep the memories in my head any longer.

Wait so since we did this and it'll be in a book, people are going to ask about it.

You mean like an interview?

It'll probably be on national news, if not international, so we'll need to be aware of the fact that people will see it.

Wait, would this basically be considered a mock interview?

Yes.

Wait, have you done anything like this before?

It's the first time that I'm using multiple perspectives in a book of mine.

You said that you feel like you're not doing enough, is this related to what your dad did?

He kept nailing in the idea that I'm not good enough so I need constant approval while craving privacy.

He doesn't sound like a good dad.

Well, he is the reason I have scars on my back.

Oh ouch.

Unrelated question incoming, I've seen how you and the rabbit act, are you two actually together or not?

We have been for a while but kept it private because we both don't want to be publicly ostracized.

Wait so why are you telling us?

We wanted to keep it a friends and family level secret.

Wait, we're friends?

What do you think?

*Felix starts doodling*

What are you drawing?

I don't fucking know anymore.

Wait so, you're writing because of a depressive episode?

I already said that.

I'm gonna tell Sheba about the episode like Mug told us.

You better not....He probably wouldn't like that.

Couldn't hurt.

You better not either.

*Cup gets hungry*

Fuck, ok I gotta go get something to eat.

Please do.

*Cup gets on line for food*

So now that he's gone, I think it's time to tell you that I spotted Oswald.

Oh god, oh fuck.

*Bendy starts laughing as Felix tries to keep his composure*

Wait, what happened on the quest to warrant a depressive episode?

You almost dying the whole time.

Ah, so even without the constant fear of not doing enough, this would've happened because of the inkness?

It certainly didn't help, not to mention the fact that my mom also had it.

Oh no, is she ok?

Oh she's alive, but when I went back to the hospital, I didn't see her in the bed and I immediately thought that she was gone.

*Cup comes back and notices Felix's feeling sadder*

Damn, what happened to the "happy" conversation?

Bendy brought up the inkness and Felix started talking about his mom.

Sorry, whenever I'm in this kind of mood, it's all I can think about.

And I was just about to eat too, welp there goes my appetite.

Sorry to ruin that for you.

You could still eat you know.

Wait, did you three eat?

*Oswald starts walking over*

Hey, sorry for ease dropping.

You can't really help it with big ears of yours.

People were going to ease drop anyway.

I just wanted to invite you all to this family owned restaurant for dinner.

While we're having lunch?

I thought I wouldn't have the time to ask if I waited.

I'd love that.

*Mugs reads it*

He says that he'd love that. Even though he meant to write appreciate.

For a writer you sure are bad with words.

I know!

He is having a depressive episode.

That's kinda why I came over. I didn't want to intrude but I also wanted to make sure he was ok.

[toujoursmiraculous]

Thoughts and Reaction to Gang of Secrets!

I'm very late today at writing this because life ;-; You know it's a bigger episode when they start off with a problem. Ladybug doesn't want to detransform so she's desperate to find reasons to remain Ladybug. I love how the entire time, Chat Noir knows something's wrong and wants to get her to talk about what it is, but she just tries to pretend she's fine. If anything, Chat Noir would probably be the best person to talk to considering everything he's dealt with too both with Kagami and his responsibility as Chat! She could mention that she was seeing someone but they broke up because of her secret, and she could tell him how much being the Guardian's having an affect on her. All perfectly well and good without exposing any identities or things like that with questions for details asked. Instead she puts up a front with him and pretends she's okay in front of him and it's just so sad. :/ I understand why she doesn't, probably because she doesn't want him to know how much she's struggling. But ugh my heart hurts for her. Chat: I know where we can go where we won't have to talk! Ladybug: Yes, take me there Chat! *in the theater* Ladybug: You lead me into a trap. I MEAN HE'S NOT WRONG THOUGH! Not many places you can go where it's okay or encouraged to not talk without there being an awkward silence. But that cracked me UP. Also that casual attempt to wrap his arm around her lolol still hasn't give up, I see. I also find it simultaneously hilarious and extremely depressing that Ladybug's ranting like that in the theater because of a romance movie. When your heart is broken, that's probably the last thing you want to be doing. And Chat Noir yanking her down asking that she be quiet 😂 Literally just rants her entire love life out for everyone including Chat to hear in that theater. CHAT NOIR, YOU BETTER BE LISTENING BECAUSE SHE'S TALKING ABOUT ADRIEN HERE "She takes a long time to tell him and stutters and blah blah blah" lol sound familiar, sunshine? If anything please have him recall this later and be like, wait, didn't Ladybug say girls stutter around a guy when she likes him? BAM. Then he's off on his path towards Marinette. I can dream. Ladybug: And how do you know if he loves her? IMPOSSIBLE. Adrien: No, Marinette couldn't possibly be in love with me. *eyetwitch* But at the end of the day. This is Marinette ranting to Adrien about how she had to give up on Adrien and then couldn't make things work with Luka because of her secret. Ooof. And poor Chat having to apologize for everyone because Ladybug's disturbing them XDD THE GIRL SAVES EVERYBODY'S LIVES PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY AND THEY'RE PISSED SHE'S RUINING A MOVIE THEY CAN JUST REWATCH? 😂 She's clearly having a hard time right now, c'mon people! Chat can tell she has a broken heart. This boy is so sweet. He wants her to at least admit that and talk about it so she can feel better but you know, Ladybug's stubborn. I WANT TO GO SWIMMING LET'S GO SWIMMING CHAT, WOO HOOOOOO! Ladybug acting like Chat to hide her pain just like how Chat acts like Chat to hide his pain. YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S FINE. :') It doesn't matter how much pain she's dealing with, those pictures mean too much to her to remove them. x3 Thanks Juleka for showing us how sad Luka is now, that's very helpful. Marinette's been going into the bathroom at school to cry, and then had planned stupid looking glasses to hide her tears so people wouldn't have to know she's cried because wearing a ridiculous pair of glasses that's embarrassing is better than being asked what's wrong. Because the pain I feel for her wasn't already enough. Ugh I adore Trixx. Trixx being the voice of reason when Tikki's not there, trying to help and letting her know that Tikki may need to rest too when she's so upset it doesn't cross her mind. And the tears in her eyes when she apologizes to Tikki for not thinking of her like she should. ;-; SO MUCH PAIN. OH DANG Alya was literally a second away from seeing a detransforming Marinette lol But she did say DETRANSFORMATION or well in the English dub it'll be "Spots

off" I love Rose, she's really sweet. and considerate But she also shouldn't be touching things in others rooms like that. I never liked it when my friends went around my room touching stuff. Also didn't help that a couple of them stole from me... but it's just not a cool thing to do. Would've probably ended up much better had she not had to desperately hide an exposed Miracle Box. But then we wouldn't have had what happens so it's all good c: Marinette saying she doesn't want to be friends with the girls anymore

It hit Alya deep. Everyone else is like *le gasp* but her eyes all shrunken like that, you can tell it really got to her hard.

This entire exchange right here. Alya's glance at her in the first picture is piercing, like I can feel that OOF feeling in my chest when I see it. The new music dramatizes it so well that a lot of people probably didn't pay attention to it the first time around. Can we just appreciate how these animators got all these emotions so right and did such a good job animating everything for us? And those that work on the music too? Everything's so spot on. Marinette's red-rimmed eyes is so well done. "No, it can't end like this!" Awww Alix getting super upset too x3 I honestly think Alix could be the next one.... you know what I mean BUT I'll wait until the end to talk about it. Trixx pulling a Plagg and rescuing Marinette! x3 I seriously love Trixx, I really do. I know the other Kwami's got mad, but if he hadn't done that it would've been disaster, probably. And the episode wouldn't have ended how it did! And Plagg knowing it was Trixx who caused the Eiffel Tower to be all weird xD Why do I get the feeling the relationship between Trixx and Plagg would be like that of Chat Noir and Rena Rouge? And I want to point out, we got 7 whole seconds of Adrien again! Aren't we lucky? The last time we got so little of Adrien in an episode was when we had his parallel episode Lies. I don't think that'll happen this time but I do hope it means more Adrien later on. Ladybug: They're after Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Chat Noir: Okay but remember everybody likes her (so don't go thinking she's a bad person for causing their akumatizations) Yes, I read between the lines. Ladybug being able to get through to Lady Wifi and have her deakumatize herself was absolutely amazing! I know Chloe was the first to fight off being akumatized but once you're akumatized it's obviously extremely hard to break. That says a lot about Alya. "Because you're an incredible friend, Ladybug." One, AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Two, did you notice the little jerk of her head, gesturing to Ladybug like that when she said it?? It's the little details guys that make this so good. 😍 "Chat Noir, nooooo!" Guys, we got our tiny little Marichat scene! It's not actually real, but still! (okay but why do I also get this really weird feeling like something like this may end up being real later?) Alya giving Ladybug that hug 😭 Marinette has such good, supportive friends. I love them all. x.x YES THANK YOU. Alya's finally realizing there are more things going on with her than just boys. One of the things that's always irked me since Chameleon is that any issue Marinette has, be it with Lila or otherwise, she always assumes it has to do with Adrien. Of course, at the time she didn't know she was Ladybug but she should've still listened and realized there's something else up. But now she finally is noticing and I love how she was going to respect her regardless and not push. Pushing has always been one of Alya's characteristics, but she knew whatever it was was something too big and serious to push her on. "Marinette, I'm your best friend, and I always will be." 😭😭😭 This episode brought me so close to tears so many times. Marinette admitting she's keeping secrets, lying to everyone. Admitting that that's why she draws a line between her and Adrien, and why her and Luka didn't work out. Alya saying however heavy it is, they'll carry it together (MY HEART) And then Marinette saying "If I tell you, things between us will never be the same. It's going to destroy everything, change it all." It sounds like this girl is thinking about Chat Blanc and oop there's the sound of my heart breaking again. So much paaaain. "Je suis Ladybug." YESSSSSSS Why they had to leave it off on a cliffhanger But YESSSSSSS First, the expressions she had flash on her face, the gasp 😮, then the expression like she's trying to get her mind to process. Then if you notice, Marinette gives a little nod, as if letting her know that it's true. Then the way her eyebrows furrow and pulls her into the hug as she understands all that she has on her shoulders as that music plays. I'm getting

emotional just writing this. 😭 This episode is just so amazingly good in so many ways, I don't think I can actually cover it all. I'm very impressed. I've loved nearly every episode this show has put out, even those that a lot of people seem to hate. But this one, I don't see how this could actually be hated if you're trying to think of everything that happened from Marinette's point of view, her thoughts, feelings, struggles, depression. I will say, personally I hoped Chat Noir would learn who Ladybug is first. He's been such a good partner, very thoughtful, always putting his life on the line. He's also been dealing with a lot of the same struggles. I felt like he deserved to know first. However, this isn't about who deserves what, it's about what Marinette needs. It's not that she doesn't want to tell him who she is! Don't misunderstand. There are many times throughout the past 3 seasons where she wants to or regrets not being able to. But now, Chat Blanc's in her mind. She knows what could happen if she tells him with Hawk Moth still there, so she can't do it. So instead, she tries to pretend in front of him that she's fine even though talking to him about everything would help and fix so much. In her mind, that's not an option. I just hope that when he finds out she told someone else first, he doesn't think that she doesn't trust him enough to tell him. Next I thought maybe Alix. That way it'd be more understandable to Chat that she'd know, after all future Bunnyx clearly knows and said to Ladybug that she chose her because she's capable of keeping secrets (notice how Alya said that to Ladybug in the alley? I bet Alix will find out in the near future. Maybe not this season, but she'll find out.) But that's for another time. But now Alya knows! Her best friend, the one to have her back and will no doubt have it even more so now! Watch out, Lila. Alya doesn't hold back so I can imagine how vicious she could be to her (and I can't wait). And that brings up a very interesting thought. Alya will realize Adrien has been the only one to have her back in Lila situations. Why would he do that, hmm? When everyone else was so sure Lila's an angel and Marinette must be bad for saying anything negative about her. Journalist Alya, incoming! There's also the matters of Alya bringing up Marinette's feelings for Chat Noir because duh, everybody can see how much she loves him! There are even photos of them kissing, one of which happened in front of Alya's own eyes! Though affected by an akuma, they all know that kiss didn't happen because of it. And of course, Alya has brought up twice in the show so far that Adrien and Chat Noir could be the same person. And last time Alya said that neither of them could be Ladybug and Chat Noir. Except, she's now found out that Marinette is Ladybug. So maybe Adrien could after all be Chat Noir. I look forward to seeing how their new dynamic is. I wonder how this affects their relationship with the other girls. And I'm most curious about how Nino and Adrien may react to this change. I thought during Truth and Lies both that their best friends were going to find out about their breakups. Gang of Secrets was Alya finding out. Even though I feel like another parallel episode is just wishful thinking, I can't help but think it may be a possibility. Nino and the boys are going to wonder what's up with Adrien too. They're going to wonder why he's not with Kagami anymore so suddenly. So what if i the end, Chat Noir ends up telling Nino? I could see it, if this takes place shortly after Gang of Secrets, where she tells Chat that she's confided her identity in a very close friend and somehow they agree that he can tell someone too that he trusts to make it fair. It'd be an amazing way to exercise Ladybug's trust in Chat Noir too. Then we'd have both Alya and Nino in on it, keeping their best friend's secrets for them without knowing about the other one. Oh that'd be so beautiful! And also let them keep their Miraculouses too after the charms are given to them and Alya has the ability to break

free after being akumatized. I adore Rena and Carapace so much I'd be ecstatic if they kept them. 😭 Anyway, so much potential can come out of this episode and I honestly cannot wait until episode 4!!

[suometar]

Power song of the day: Wake up by Smash into Pieces

You can not resist, like a moth to a flame -- You know it will burn, but sometimes you enjoy the pain

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus) Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- From a life in fantasy -- Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- And realize it's not meant to be -- You stumble in the dark cause you close your eyes -- Guided by the sweet talk lullaby -- But someday you will wake up -- You will wake up From a life in fantasy -- Wake up!

You try to cut everyone out of your life -- So no one can question how you can believe the lies

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus)

You're in the fire, what do you do? -- You wake up -- The final round is waiting for you

(Chorus)

Why? Well...

I'm coming down from mania.

Which sucks. And here's a glimpse into my 30 or so years experience of this nonsense.

But before I say more I want to say to everyone who I have been venting during the last month or so:

Please don't think that you have contributed in making my situation worse. You haven't. The fuel for all of it comes from within myself. I am nothing but crateful that I have had a chance to vent to someone because otherwise it all would've just clumped inside me and that would've made the situation worse.

And besides, not all venting has been caused just by mania. When I'm manic it doesn't remove the normal thoughts and feelings I have.

When you're stuck in a tar pit created by a certain person for who knows how many years in a row it's obvious it's not just the mania. I think you guys know what that's like :D

Coming down is like a really really really REALLY bad hangover

Except that you can remember every single thing you've done, the things you've felt, the things you've planned, what you thought of. EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW they're all just a result of the chemical imbalance of your own brain.

Coming down doesn't mean necessarily that I'm now depressed. It's just getting back to your normal state from mania.

But the bad hangover is real. If you've experienced that you know what it's like. Regrets after regrets.

What's mania like

That ecstacy of mania is an immense rush you don't really know unless you've experienced it yourself.

It's difficult to describe, but I think falling in love really hard and fast is the closest that describes it best. You have butterflies in your stomach all the time, you're hyperfixating on that one person and you feel invincible, like everything in your life is finally perfect and you're in control like never before.

Or even better: It's like being on speed, except without the drugs. Overstimulated 24-7-365.

Hyperfixation is typical for mania

In my case the hyperfixation can be basically anything from men (real or fictional, doesn't really matter lol) to any action, hobby or even work, totally depends on the situation.

What I do is I dedicate all my time to that one thing and one thing only even though I know it's not healthy.

Thank god I've learned to control it so that it won't take ALL of my time anymore, but it still is there. And I need to cater it to some extent or I won't be able to do anything.

It's like having a parasite you can't get rid of but you can make it behave if you give it some attention from time to time.

What's real and what's not? That is the question

When you're having mania it's sometimes super hard to differentiate what's a real thought and what is based on the illusion created by your own mind. And even though I am nowadays capable to tell the difference of my real thoughts/feelings and the ones fueled by mania the later ones do have an effect on me even though I try not to react to them.

The tricky thing is that your body can't tell the difference of a so called real/normal thought/feeling and one created inside my head fueled by mania.

A manic person wants nothing more than get more of the dopamine that fuels the ecstacy. Which easily can lead to a psychotic episode/period.

The saddest part is that manic person usually looks and behaves exactly like any normal person. You can't tell from outside if someone is having mania unless they choose to show it. Psychotic then usually is clearly psychotic and erratic and behaves totally out of character.

Triggers for mania

Anything can basically be a trigger for mania and they vary from person to person. For me it's usually one of the following:

an extreme negative change in life (such as death, divorce or other big things like that),

finding a new crush,

intensive concentration on some activity,

social media, or

as surprising as it might be: music. Especially any with a faster tempo.

Usually though I have already been somewhat hypomanic before the real mania hits. Hypomania though is very hard to notice because I'm somewhat easily excited and impulsive already by nature.

But I've lived with this so long that I know when it's going overboard. My manic mind just usually chooses to say it's nothing and I believe it like a fool - because it feels so good.

This time the trigger for me was intensive concentrating on writing. While the writing was crucial in easing my general anxiety this time it had this unfortunate side effect.

Nonetheless, I'm not quitting writing. Because the anxiety has eased significantly from when I started. I probably need to change the subject for a while and not to write daily or limit it just for 30 mins a day.

How a new crush can happen when you're married, you ask?

Oh, easily. See, with a manic mind a marriage is nothing but an obstacle. Nothing is but an obstacle that is designed to limit you. Because you're omnipotent. And obstacles - well, they're made to be conquered or plowed through.

In my case I've chosen to keep my crushes online and physically as far away from me as possible. I've made a mistake of crushing into someone irl and that was UGLY for all parties involved.

Thirsting over someone from afar online while remaining happily married is by far a better option.

How to control mania or turn it off

Yes, you can turn it off. The problem with that is that usually manic person doesn't

feel like something is wrong, and

doesn't want to get down from the high.

But there are things you can do to get it end sooner.

Log off from all social media. Seriously. Don't just turn notifications off - LOG OFF.

If that's not enough, remove all the social media apps from your phone. You can always install them again.

Turn off your phone if it's possible.

Don't use computer unless it is absolutely necessary - like for paying bills. You don't need to find out what age Barbara Streissand is at 2:30am - or, well, ever.

Social media is by far the biggest contributor for mania. The apps are designed to give us a dopamine rush each time we scroll down any feed and see a new post. That's how they keep us stuck on them.

When you already have an issue with the dopamine rush using social media just makes it worse.

You won't miss anything if you log off for two days or a week. SERIOUSLY. But it will improve your well-being tremendously.

The absolutely best thing you can do is to create as dull environment to yourself as possible. That there's nothing artificial you can drown yourself into. Best place to be in mania is in the middle of the woods without any mobile signal - trust me.

Take up an activity where you do something with your hands. Hands-on approach is crucial.

Doing things with your hands will root you into the real world.

It doesn't matter what it is: cooking, cleaning, handcrafts, drawing or painting (NOT on a computer or ipad but with real pencils/crayons/paints/brushes/etc).

Remember not to do just that though. Go out (without your phone). Enjoy the nature. Listen to the sounds of the outside world. Don't close your senses with headphones. Read. Watch out of the window. Stare at the wall. Watch the paint dry.

LET YOURSELF GET BORED.

Just stay away from any electronic devices.

The hangover is horrible but it'll pass. And you will feel better afterwards when you're functional again.

------

It's not easy. None of us chose to live with bipolar. It's always inherited. But there are ways to work through it.

I hope this helps at least someone.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[silverypurple-rosedlions]

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓟𝓾𝓻𝓹𝓵𝓮 𝓡𝓸𝓼𝓮

━━━━━━☓━━━━━━

• Activated on August, 22, 2020 •

• Redesigned on October 8, 2020 •

━━━━━━☓━━━━━━

🛑DISCLAIMER 1/2🛑: These chatbots do NOT represent Jeonghan, Joshua, Jun, Wonwoo, Jihoon, Minghao, Mingyu, Seokmin, Seventeen, and Pledis in any shape or form. Neither do I claim to be them. This is purely made for entertainment and fiction purposes.

🛑DISCLAIMER 2/2🛑: I am not licensed in psychology, nor am I studying it as part of my education. But, I am studying it in my free time and I am learning about each disorder to the best of my abilities. What will be mentioned is based on true information from those who have studied, or have that disorder.

🛑Trigger Warning🛑: This will contain strong language, mentions of violence and gore, and especially mental illnesses. If you are uncomfortable with the following topics, do not proceed any further for your safety. If you wish to only know small information about the members, you are more than welcomed to avoid reading their quoted and mental and physical illnesses, but do acknowledge that they have them.

━━━━━━☓━━━━━━

𝕭𝖔𝖘𝖘

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"You know boys, I'm getting real tired over all this bullshit. So... Have at it. Free for all! Witness our bloody parade, you filthy shits! Let us bring you the blessing of eternal slumber from this tainted world!"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Yoon Jeonghan

[Alias]: Angel; Angel of Death

[Soon-To-Be Husband]: Hong Joshua Jisoo

[Characteristics]:

| Leader-like | | Sly | | Fearless | | Psychotic | | Deceitful | | Stern |

| Derranged | | Precise | | Patient | | Intelligent | | Violent |

| Mischevious | | Cunning | | Possessive |

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Depression: A disorder that causes the person constant feelings of sadness, unmotivation, discouragement, and lost of interest in daily activities. It affects feelings and behavior, leading to numerous emotional and physical complications.

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis): A mental disorder where a person feels detached from reality; disconnected with reality and more invested into a fabricated reality created by the brain.

Schizophrenia: A disorder, a psychotic disorder, that disrupts how the person thinks, feels, and behaves. The fabricated reality created by the brain affects this, altering all three listed.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): A disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering from past events in their lives that impacted them negatively; an event that was extremely terrifying.

[Facts]:

-> Due to past events, Jeonghan has trust issues. Until the person proves that they are harmless to him and his group, Jeonghan will be distant and blunt, making sharp remarks and will push the person away if they aren't of any use to his group.

-> As a side effect from Schizophrenia, Jeonghan is known to repeatedly tap the temple of his head, twitching and jerking. If irritated, he will begin to tap violently to the point he's inflicting pain to himself, such as: pulling hair, slamming hands against his head, digging his nails into his body, and more.

-> His past is a very sensitive topic for him. He will not answers or explain his past unless you have gained his full trust. If asked constantly, Jeonghan will not hesitate into inflicting pain due to being triggered. So do NOT question his past until close with him.

-> Due to a failed experiment meant to help Jeonghan with his beginning stages of Schizophrenia, Jeonghan's eyes are able to go blue. This being referred by all members as, "blue eyes." When in this state, Jeonghan loses all senses of the world around him, encased in his episode, and will attack anything and anyone until episode is over, or is calmed.

𝖀𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗𝖇𝖔𝖘𝖘

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"I may not be as psychotic as my lover, and I seem sweeter than some. But that does not mean I'll let you live another day... Instead, I'll make sure you're real pretty. I'll make SURE to create a beautiful bouquet of flowers and YOUR intestines while your body is as empty as your HEART,"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Hong Joshua Jisoo

[Alias]: Joshua

[Companion]: Yoon Jeonghan

[Characteristics]:

| Reserved | | Polite | | Outgoing | | Kind | | Two-faced | | Violent |

| Cautious | | Nervous | | Clingy | | Possessive | | Obsessive |

| Sensitive | | Calm | | Observant |

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression): A disorder when a person's moods swing easier than usual, ranging from depressive lows to manic highs; from feeling depression to suddenly feeling euphoria, feeling energized and creative, but to a higher extent.

Anxiety Disorder: A mental disorder in which feelings such as anxiety, fear, and worry are heightened, becoming strong enough to create issues within a person's daily life. This can also lead to side effects such as: hyperventilating, fatigue, sweating, insomnia, lack of concentration, and more.

[Facts]:

-> Joshua is Jeonghan's main pillar, the only one who has the largest impact on the Boss and is able to calm Jeonghan from Schizophrenic episodes quicker than the rest.

-> Joshua is one of the friendliest members in The Purple Rose. He's easier to approach, but do not underestimate him. Sometimes, buried underneath his sweet smile and kind words is a beast that is feared by everyone.

-> Joshua is one, out of two people, who had sent Jeonghan in a Mental Asylum in hopes that they could help him. But it failed, and Joshua still feels guilty for sending Jeonghan to a horrendous place, despite receiving forgiveness when the two reunited.

-> When nervous and anxious, Joshua's eyes will dart around the room, looking at various objects and people to calm himself. That, or he will turn to Jeonghan, the members, or listen to music to ground himself.

-> It may not seem like it, but Joshua has slight yandere tendencies that are very rare to see. But he will become jealousy and "territorial" over Jeonghan, being that many attempt to seduce the Boss for their personal gain.

𝕾𝖚𝖕𝖕𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖗/𝕾𝖕𝖞

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"Even though I may seem like I'm given the less "exciting" job today, doesn't mean I can't have my own type of fun with this. And since you tried to scam us with these useless supplies and weapons, I guess I'll have my pleasure in blasting your brains to bits thinking we were gullible, sir. I'll make sure no one will be able to know who you are when I'm through with you."

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Wen Junhui

[Alias]: Jun

[Soon-To-Be Husband]: Jeon Wonwoo (@seventeen-chatbot)

[Characteristics]:

| Energetic | | Aloof | | Straightforward | Prideful | | Playful |

| Cunning | | Ambitious | | Derranged | | Stubborn | | Fickle |

| Awkward | | Kind-hearted | | Perfectionist |

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

Schizophrenia

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

[Facts]:

-> Due to Schizophrenia, Jun has the habit of constantly moving, such as: bouncing legs, twitching and jerking, and tapping his fingers on a flat surface. Some say he picked up the habit of tapping on flat surfaces from Jeonghan, who constantly taps his temples.

-> Jun is known to be the second member of The Purple Rose to be the messiest with his victims, following Jeonghan. He's known for tearing people apart, whether they're alive or already dead.

-> So far, Jun is prohibited from any interaction with children due to his violent tendencies to them. But it is unknown as to why children trigger him.

-> Jun learned Kung Fu and Martial Arts during his youth, using that to his advantage if ever his weapons are restricted from him.

-> Jun is known for copying others sayings and actions, such as small gestures and few sentences or words, repeating them without knowing so, being that it became his habit.

𝕹𝖊𝖌𝖔𝖙𝖎𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗/𝕷𝖔𝖔𝖐𝖔𝖚𝖙

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"Listen, and listen well, because I don't want to repeat this again. You made a FUCKING deal. You promised that you'll pull through your end of the bargain as we did. So if you can't give the shit we requested, the deal is off. Your area is now OURS, and frankly, we have a BETTER person to run that waste of space you've created. So, nighty night BASTARD. Say hi to Satan for us,"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Jeon Wonwoo

[Alias]: Wonwoo

[Companion]: None

[Characteristics]:

| Patient | | Observant | | Intelligent | | Introverted | | Persuasive |

| Blunt | | Stern | | Sadistic | | Aggressive | | Cynical | | Strict |

| Analytical | | Straightforward | | Cold | | Resourceful |

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D): A disorder in where the brain creates other alters/identities to distribute trauma to, so that the main person, the host, is protected from past events that occured in their life that they aren't able to handle alone.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD)

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

Hand Tremors: An movement disorder within the body, most commonly in the hands but can occur in other body parts. An involuntary, rhythmic muscle contraction that causes shaking. Can happen every now and then, or constantly.

[Facts]:

-> In total, Wonwoo has 17 alters. But 5 main alters are known to front most often, being the main protectors of the body:

-> It was rumoured that Wonwoo was plotting to take the role as leader of The Purple Rose, eliminating Yoon Jeonghan. But it was never confirmed.

-> Due to poor eyesight, Wonwoo is required to wear glasses. But when doing work and handling targets, Wonwoo will not need them. Strange as it is, his eyes sharpen, narrowing on his target no matter the distance as his adrenaline kicks in.

-> Despite being a negotiator, dealing with men and women within casinos, Wonwoo despises gambling. He can't tolerate the smell of strong alcohol, betting, and smoke.

-> Among the eight members, Wonwoo is the best when handling treatments such as severe wounds. He knows what to use, how to use it, and how long it'll take to heal, or, at least an estimated time.

𝕮𝖔𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖌𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖗𝖊

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"I'm getting sick and tired with your babbling, you know that? I don't like wasting my time on people who can't pull their shit together, or ones who have no real benefit to the Purple Rose. So, I'm going to do us both the favor and end this short. But with a loud bang!"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Lee Jihoon

[Alias]: Jihoon

[Companion]: Kim Inseong (@heartbrokenxinseong)

[Characteristics]:

| Leader-like | | Cold | | Silent | | Wise | | Observant | | Creative |

| Thoughtful | | Resilient | | Sarcastic | | Strict | | Hostile |

| Manipulative | | Short-tempered | | Intimidating | | Resourceful |

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD)

[Facts]:

-> Jihoon is the Representative of The Purple Rose, always attending meetings that they are requested to attend, and taking in all information and then explaining it to the Boss and Underboss, Jeonghan and Joshua.

-> Jihoon's main job is to not only process information, but to plan each mission, and how they will carried out. It has been his job since the start of The Purple Rose.

-> Jihoon has severe trust issues, becoming skeptical and defensive of himself and others around him, sometimes lashing out.

-> Jihoon does not accept being called "cute." Despite his height, Jihoon is hostile, and will not hesitate to attack.

-> It is rare that Jihoon participates in outdoor activities with the group, usually locked inside his room handling missions and piles of work that is handed to him.

𝕳𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖊𝖗/𝕾𝖕𝖞

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"Although I had a great time with you, fellas, I have to get going. I can't let my boss and the boys wait any longer now that you're of no more use to us. To keep this our secret like yours with your team and boss, I'm going to put you to eternal sleep, and I'll make sure your body doesn't go to waste,"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Xu Minghao

[Alias]: Minghao; The Ghost

[Companion]: Kim (Jeewon) Jiwon (@90sjeewonie)

[Characteristics]:

| Intuitive | | Thoughtful | | Sarcastic | | Sassy | Playful | | Sweet |

| Vengeful | | Determined | | Sharp | | Deceitful | | Protective |

| Energetic | | Sharp | | Precise | | Elegant | | Sensitive |

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Shared Psychotic Disorder: An unusual mental disorder of a person sharing a delusion among two or more people who are in a close relationship. The (inducer, primary) who has a psychotic disorder with delusions influences the other, or more (induced, secondary) with a specific belief.

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

[Facts]:

-> Minghao never had intentions of joining The Purple Rose, or joining in any infamous activities. But, because he was influenced and close with Jun, he didn't have any other option but to became a member, sharing Jun's Schizophrenia.

-> Minghao is a cannibal, and has been since the age of 17. He tends to make comments now and then on people, wondering what they would taste like but will not pursue them depending his relationship with them.

-> He knows how to use all technology, creating his own softwares and bots to use as assistance in missions. He's crafty, and with Jun and Mingyu's help, he creates his own unique gadgets that are used frequently.

-> He's a top spy, always assigned 90% of the time to missions that include entering into the building, stealing, and deceit. When doing this, he temporarily dyes his hair a different color.

-> He's known as The Ghost due to appearing in one area, then suddenly disappearing without a trace, later appearing again and rendering targets without a sound.

𝕭𝖔𝖉𝖞𝖌𝖚𝖆𝖗𝖉/𝕰𝖝 𝖀𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗𝖇𝖔𝖘𝖘

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"I may not be an Underboss anymore, but just because I've been placed as a bodyguard doesn't mean I'm no longer the man you once feared, pal. How about you show me what you got before I leap and rip off those limbs of yours? Or should we just get to the ripping limbs part already?

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Kim Mingyu

[Alias]: Mingyu

[Companion]: Choi (Arin) Yewon (@arinschoi)

[Characteristics]:

| Respectful | | Optimistic | | Strong | | Stern | | Controlling |

| Protective | | Deceitful | | Intelligent | | Hard-working |

| Kind-hearted | | Short-tempered | | Determined |

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

PTSD

[Facts]:

-> Originally, Mingyu was supposed to be eliminated by Jeonghan, due to abandoning Jeonghan, who was caught and brought back to the Asylum in 2016. But, Jeonghan spared him, removing him from Underboss and placing him as a Bodyguard.

-> Mingyu's main priority is to not only protect the members, but most importantly, protect the Boss, the Underboss, and the Consigliere, who are the ones functioning the entire organization.

-> Mingyu is known to be the cleanest member, always cleaning after them and doing normal house chores that he's mistaken to be a germaphobic. But compare it to his work, Mingyu gets reckless when handling victims, creating a mess.

-> Aside from working as a Bodyguard, Mingyu acts as a spy and seducer. But it is only in rare cases will Mingyu be required to be a seducer, but does not engage in s*xual activities, getting the job done before it gets serious.

-> Is known to be Jeonghan's "ex-partner/companion" due to a past struggle the two were under. During that time, Mingyu acted as Jeonghan's significant other, but Jeonghan did not reciprocate the feelings and continued on with work to the best of his abilities.

𝕹𝖆𝖛𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗/𝕽𝖚𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"I had fun doing our little game of cat and mouse, but I'm starting to get tired, mouse! And you look just as tired as I am, right? So, do me a favor of standing still, smiling at me, and letting me gut you out. I'll make sure to bury you somewhere nice with some purple roses. A reminder that you never FUCK with the Purple Rose, scumbag,"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Lee Seokmin

[Alias]: Seokmin

[Companion]: Byun Baekhyun (@ghoulxbaekhyun)

[Characteristics]:

| Loud | | Energetic | | Sneaky | | Two-faced | | Sadistic |

| Outgoing | | Clingy | | Rebellious | | Impulsive | | Optimistic |

| Persistent | | Fast | | Sensitive | | Considerate |

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

ADHD: A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness, which begins during childhood and into adulthood. Effects self-esteem, education and work, and relationship

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD)

[Facts]:

-> Seokmin is a cannibal, beginning this at the age of 18. It is unknown why he followed Minghao, both becoming the only two who devoured people, but one thing is for sure. He doesn't always eat victims, but he won't hesitate to take a bite.

-> Being a navigator, Seokmin is excellent in tracking and finding secluded places, especially places that are illegal and are infamous around the network: casinos, mafia basses, closed off buildings used for selling drugs, and more. And as a Runner, it is Seokmin's job to take all that The Purple Rose gains from a mission, escaping the scene with the objects if ever they were caught or were on the run. This also places him as the Getaway Driver, despite being a reckless driver.

-> Seokmin can be easily persuaded if lured into the trap by the right bait. But no offer can make him betray The Purple Rose, especially never betraying the Boss, the Underboss, and Consigliere. He follows their orders strictly, despite bending the rules.

-> Seokmin may be the sweetest and bubbliest member in the group, but he has his equal share, perhaps more than some members, of having a sinister side to him. When making gruesome comments, he always says them with a big, bright smile.

-> Seokmin despises usage of drugs and alcohol. He'll drink now and then, but no more than two cups. Sometimes, Seokmin is triggered by certain drugs, causing him to become bitter and sharp, sometimes picking fights he doesn't mean to create.

✨OG✨// @yanlee

🥀// @empress-jiaqi @criminalinvestigator-mingyu @princess-yeji @doll-seungmin @doll-hyunjin @peachy-jaemjaemin @storybook-nct @deadly-skz-gods-cb @babyhj1sung @yandere-somi-jeon @dandyboy-seungmin @detectivexsicheng @time-for-confession @adoringeun @shinhaneul-oc @split-jiu @domyukhei @joyinwonderland @mafia-chaeyoung @mafiafelixlee @moonlit-jaemin @purgejaemin @floristluda @yoonhana @ateez-zombie-wonderland @ghost-hyunjin @vscohyunjin @moonlit-nono @cb-dungeon @daddysm @amazingspiderhan @heiress-yeeun @babyboynono @blackwidowjennie @roseanneholmes @fairy-dejun @skz-cb @vampiremomo @vampireprince-jeonghan @college-baekhyun @hunter-chaeyoung @julia-oc @moonlightchris @weeb-wonwoo and more . . .

[demonboidies]

𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓴𝓵𝔂 - 𝓽𝓸 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀

pt. 3

word count: 1, 802

●WARNING: mention of several mental illnesses (eating disorders, depression, anxiety, psychotic disorders, OCD, alcohol abuse, and more) I do not go into deep detail of each, more so simply mentioning the names, but if you are easily triggered please don't read. the reason I am mentioning these illnesses is because the boys(in my ff) suffer from several of them. all the mental illnesses mentioned in this chapter and their corresponding member are not based on true facts or actual evidence. this is fictional.●

"ah, well i graduated from college a while ago. majored in world language, i had this crazy dream of being a translator. but i obviously don't do that, although i've recently applied to several companies, i haven't heard from any." you ended with a neutral smile, making eye contact with the oldest who was nodding in understanding. "but i asked Jungkook which classes he took, since he still is a youngling."

you chuckle at your wording, along with the others. Hoseok even ruffling the man's hair teasingly.

"uhm, i do programming, computer stuff...yeah, it's nothing interesting like the arts b-but it's what i d-do best." a weak smile was on his lips and you chuckle softly.

"no, that sounds cute. you seem to be like a tech nerd, please take no offense. i mean to compliment you." you said, saving your mistake last second. even if they were younger than you, the level of respect and professionalism still had to be present between all of you.

red was painted across jungkook's face...he was cute to you? taehyung and jimin clenched the utensils on their hands, annoyed with how jungkook unknowingly one upped them. yoongi and hoseok sent glares to jungkook. namjoon and jin simply smiled, although they were fuming internally.

"oh, thank you..."

you nodded, biting into the food present in front of you. the taste was extravagant, even if it was a simple dish.

"my gosh, who made this? it is delicious." you moaned out, wiping your mouth. "this is so good, and home made?"

"that would be me, darling. and of course, home made. i like being able to overlook the food the boys eat, make sure they get their nutrients and stuff. i try to limit the amount of time they eat out,but sometimes i can't control it. especially if i'm in another country." you nodded impressed with the subtle fact he dropped, whether he did it on purpose or not.

"what do you guys do? i'm intrigued now with your professions." you said, resting your heaad on your hand.

"well, i graduated already...but i run my own dance studio. you should stop by sometime! we've won a couple awards, i'm very proud of my students!" hoseok smiles wide, and you could easily tell how much dance meant to him.

"i'm taking online classes for psychology. going to college is such a hassle, online is so much easier." namjoon says with a heavy sigh which you jokingly cheers to. making the males laugh at your humor.

"we, my friend, are on the same page!" you said and he laughed, making you smile widely.

"i produce music. i post my works on soundcloud...i promise i'm not like every other soundcloud rapper. i actually care about what i make, rather than the views it'll give me. i also have interest in photography, but tae is much better than me." yoongi was quiet and fidgeting when he saw the gaze of you on him. but at his last statement, you pouted a bit.

"i'm sure you two have your own styles and qualities in your work. also i've never met a producer before, i look forward to listening to your work as your career prgresses." you smiled kindly at him and he ducked his down to hide his blush. you chuckle before moving your gaze to the eldest at the table.

"oh, my turn. about time~" the boys scoffed and his attitude when you chuckled, at ease in his presence. "i mainly stay at home and do work in my office, but when push comes to shove i do have to leave the country. i'm heir to my father's company, so i have to take responsibility sometimes...and you must be wondering. so i'll answer the question now. the reason why i'm in this wheelchair is because i was in a bad accident when i was young." he nodded solemnly, although he was smiling weakly. there was a silence as you took the words in. "thank God my face was spared though."

he cupped his cheek, initiating a innocent look as everyone broke into a smile, looking over to the man with a wonder.

how could someone be so positive after such a horrific event? which was what you were thinking.

but the rest of the boys simply sighed in relief at their hyung. he was always a good liar. and they were lucky you were completely politely innocent and oblivious to their hyung's lie. he had lied more than once to you already, cheeky person he was

"yes, your face was surely spared." you said joining in with the joke.

the rest of the dinner consisted of you bonding over little things. your love for all kinds of games (including pranks) was shared with jungkook, love for animal life with namjoon, sleep with yoongi, culinary with jin, free expression with hoseok, puppies and dogs with taehyung, and family and friends with jimin. the general direction of every conversation was satisfying as it ended with everyone having a smile on their faces.

you had helped clean up, already beginning your new task as a house maid/nurse. "so what would like me to focus on as my first days?" you asked after everything was cleaned. the youngest had to go to their rooms, to begin getting ready for bed since they had school tomorrow. all their classes were in the morning which was fortunate for you since you would be driving them there from now on...and it didn't seem like fun to constantly drive back to the house and then to the university.

namjoon, who was standing in front of you, moved to the study table in the living room, and took a Manila folders into his hands. it seemed like a thick stack of papers and as you looked closer, there were a total of 7.

"no formal work, but all 7 of us saw it appropriate to give you an introduction to our needs. what exactly is wrong with us, y'know? we trust you're experience enough for this so we are confident you'll do just fine."

you took the stack of papers and thanked him. you walked through the house to find your room, which hoseok had shown you right after dinner was finished, and you still marveled at the sight.

it was a grand gray and white minimalistic bedroom with a huge bed in the center. there was also a large ledge with a window that you could sit on to see the night sky. you maneuvered your way over to the study table, turning the lap on to begin "studying" the males.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖘𝖊𝖔𝖐𝖏𝖎𝖓 / kim seokjin

disabilities/disorders: unable to move bottom half of body, a light case of schizophrenia, requires special attention on getting ready in the morning (may include dressing and showering)

meds: need daily dose for schizophrenia

your brows furrowed. that existed? you knew schizophrenia existed, but meaning a light case would specifically show what? you just shrugged and decided to what the papers were saying.

●𝖒𝖎𝖓 𝖞𝖔𝖔𝖓𝖌𝖎 / min yoongi

disabilities/disorders: OCD, severe depression, social anxiety, prone to panic and anxiety attacks in a crowd of many people, values his personal space-do not enter his personal bubble unless asked

meds: needs dose for OCD, depression

you nodded slowly, understanding the conditions and seeing the familiar names once again. you've had patients like him before, but everyone is different, so you will still be careful.

●𝖏𝖚𝖓𝖌 𝖍𝖔𝖘𝖊𝖔𝖐 / jung hoseok

disabilities/disorders: bipolar disorder, ADHD, OCD, fits of anger are dangerous, act hostile in any case and alert one of the other tenants immediately

meds: dose for ADHD & OCD

sudden shortness of his list made you a bit hopeful that taking care of 7 males wouldn't be as hard as it seemed. then again, you willingly signed up for this so you shouldn't be complaining in any way.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖏𝖔𝖔𝖓 / kim namjoon

disabilities/disorders: depression, OCD, past with alcohol abuse (currently in rehab)

meds: dose for depression and OCD

you pouted slightly, only being able to imagine how hard it must be to recover from alcoholism. and it was saddening to see such an intellectual and kind person such as Namjoon suffer from the mental illness, although that could be said about everyone you had previously read.

●𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖐 𝖏𝖎𝖒𝖎𝖓 / park jimin

disabilities/disorders: ARFID, anxiety, prone to panic and anxiety attacks

meds: none

reading the single line you let yourself think of the moment he introduced himself. he was enthusiastic about meeting you, it made you smile at the memory. you were suddenly thankful for getting such a sweet and honey-like expression out of the man.

●𝖐𝖎𝖒 𝖙𝖆𝖊𝖍𝖞𝖚𝖓𝖌 / kim taehyung

disabilities/disorders: OCD, ADD, brief psychotic disorder - periods are short and caused by stress, not dangerous unless triggered by something you do or say

meds: dose for OCD, ADD, and best if given sleep meds during pyschotic episodes

you nodded slowly, understanding and keeping the directions in the back of your mind.

●𝖏𝖊𝖔𝖓 𝖏𝖚𝖓𝖌𝖐𝖔𝖔𝖐 / jeon jungkook

disabilities/disorders: DID, psychotic, anxiety

meds: dose to limit psychotic episodes

the 3 things on the list made your eyebrows furrow. the 3 seemed to make a terrible combination and you began thinking of how calm Jungkook was before. You hoped you wouldn't encounter any bad alters of Jungkook, if he had any bad ones. and, honestly, you were a bit uneducated in the DID field, so you were determined to learn more tonight with the help of the internet.

and the last sheet in each file were filed letters to make sure you caught it :

THEY SHOULD NEVER BE KEPT UNSUPERVISED FOR A LONG TIME. MEDICATION IS IN THE CABINET IN YOUR ROOM WITH PADLOCK TO AVOID OVERDOSES. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND COMPLIANCE.

you took the words seriously, seeing the urgency in the message. shutting the folders, you stacked all of them in one pile and moved to freshen up. a shower was needed as you climbed into the steaming bathroom. after washing yourself, you climbed into bed and soon you were falling asleep. you fell asleep thinking about how tomorrow would be your first day of your new job.

a/n- thank you so much for the support of this book!!! I hope you guys stay tuned and enjoy the rest of the journey with yabdere!bts

oooh, curious question

》what other times do you think jin lied to you? hmmm?

♡♡♡♡♡SEND ME UR ASK ON WHAT U THINK ABT THATTTTT♡♡♡♡♡