#cause like im a broke ass student dont make me pay for stuff i dont need ?? 😭😭

[giverofempathy]

also classes r starting for realsies tomorrow and im kind of nervous but also mildly annoyed because its gonna be so hot

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

[huniieebee]

Warning: cussing 

April Fools ch.1

intro / next

cover photo by: @peachvii (check out “when our stars align”)

-

“Alright class make sure to turn in these emergency forms in order to go on this trip” Ms. Herman said

Ms. Herman was our leadership coordinator. I can always trust her when I need an adult to talk to or when I just someone to talk to. I joined leadership as a way to make friends and help out with school stuff. Leadership is where I met my friend Kun. During this activity we had to be in groups of 2, everyone quickly made their way to their friends...then there was us. We shrugged and introduced ourselves to each other laughing at how lonely we were. From there we became close friends.

Snapping out of my daze turning to Kun who was to the right of me

“You’re for sure going right?” I asked to make sure he wouldn’t leave me

He nods smiling and giving me the thumbs up.

“Also, just a heads up class, some of student council along with some of Mrs.Kim’s students will be going” she said as she passing out the emergency forms

“You are free to go after I check your written summary from yesterday’s activity”

-

“I don’t get it what came first the chicken or the egg?” Lucas said laying on my bed,

I share an apartment with Lucas and Jungwoo. They both share a room and I got my own. We all share an apartment cause hello? We’re all broke college students.

“Lucas not now, I have to fill out this emergency form and start on that essay from English” I said rubbing my temples

“No Y/N listen, it doesn’t make sense if the egg came first, where was the chicken to poop it out-“

“Lucas I don’t think-“

“Y/N I SAID LISTEN, but if the chicken came first where was the egg it came from” Lucas said looking at me like I knew the answer

I started at him with a blank express for a few seconds.

“Hey what’s going on here” Jungwoo said coming into the room

“JUNGWOO! What came first the chicken or the egg” Lucas said standing on my bed

“Okay....nevermind...I’m leaving...oh and our take out came” Jungwoo said closing the door behind him

“WAI-“ Lucas said holding his hand out like he was trying to grab something

“Lucas get down before you hit your head on the ceiling or fall off the bed” I sighed standing

“Come on chicken philosopher, we got pizza to eat” I said opening the door and waiting for Lucas TO GET OFF THE BED.

Lucas jumped down from the bed and ran out the door I held open for him

“CALM DOWN YOU DUMBASS, YOU BETTER NOT EAT-“ I stopped talking when I saw standing there Jaehyun, Johnny, Ans Jungwoo talking.

“Oh hi Y/N” Johnny said once he noticed me. Jaehyun turned his head smiling and giving me a cute wave

“Hi” I said shyly, I ducked my head and walking into the kitchen. I grabbed a paper plate with 2 slices of pizza and was about to walk out the kitchen when Jungwoo stopped me.

“Where you going” he said with an eyebrow raised

“My room” I murmured

“No, Y/N you’re staying here in the kitchen with the guests right??” Jungwoo said putting is arm around me giving me a the side eye and while smiling at the two guest.

“Yeah” I whispered huffing I placed my plate down back down on the counter.

“Hey thanks for the pizza” Johnny said before biting into the piece

“Don’t thank me thank Y/N, I used her card” Lucas said smiling

“YOU WHAT” You managed to yell after choking on your pizza a little and coughing your lungs out of your ass (<just kidding)

“Welp looks like I gotta blast” Lucas said grabbing another slice on his plate and running to his room

“Are you okay” Jaehyun who was next to me said while patting my back

“Yeah” I managed to say wiping my mouth with the paper towel on the counter. Jungwoo came up to me with a glass of water which I gladly took CAUSE I WAS DYING. Johnny smiled at me sympathetically.

“I have to go finish my essay” I said setting things cup down and grabbing my plate

Passing by the 3 boys I went into my room. I closed the door and sighed. Placing my plate down on my desk and sitting down on my chair

“I swear I’m going to kill Lucas later” I said placing my hands on my cheeks which are red from the coughing fit I had earlier. I stared at my pizza that was getting cold for a few mins thinking about someone. Jaehyun...he was always known to be caring and funny. The memory of him putting your back come to mind and you blushed.

“What are you thinking Y/N, he was trying to help you NOT DIE” I whispered to myself

-

[day of the trip]

“What’s the point of this trip” I murmured fixing my backpack while walking and wiping my sweat

“Hey why are you complaining all of a sudden, you’ve been begging Kun and I to get our emergency forms in right away cause you were “excited” for this trip” Sicheng said to me

“Well MR.I LIKE TO CALL OUT Y/N I didn’t know we had to WALK to our destination IN HOT WEATHER” I said slumping down

“Come on Y/N, it isn’t that bad, ALSO we aren’t walking all the way we’re going to take the bus too” Kun said patting my backpack

When we got to the bus stop all the students hung around and talked to each other. I was busy on my phone ranting to Lucas about walking in such hot weather while Kun and Sicheng has their own conversation.

“Hey guys” Said a familiar voice

I looked up and saw Johnny, Jaehyun, and Doyoung. Doyoung is part of the student council (co-prez), Of course Johnny won as prez, and Jaehyun was the treasurer (no one really signed up for it so Jaehyun took it).  

The 5 of them started a conversation while I stood on the side still texting Lucas. 

“Hey Y/N, I heard about your conversation with Lucas a few days ago about the chicken and the egg. Which one do you think came first?” Johnny said suddenly

I snapped my head up and thought “shit they heard Lucas’ dumb comments about the chickens.. they probably think I’m actually friends with some chicken philosopher”

“umm..i don’t know” I said shrugging my shoulders

“come on Y/N loosen up a little, they aren’t gonna bite” Sicheng said throwing his arm around my shoulders

“shut up trash” I murmured 

“WHAT WAS THAT Y/N, I COULDN’T QUITE HEAR YOU” Sicheng said while reaching for my sides to tickle me 

I tried to run but I couldn’t escape...sadly. 

“I SAID YOU’RE RIGHT PLEASE” I said between painful laughs and wheezes

“That’s what I thought” Sicheng said hands on his hips proud of what he did

 Catching my breath, I realized that Johnny, Jaehyun, and Doyoung just witnessed that whole scene. 

I looked at them to see them smiling from out childish acts. Awkwardly smiling I went back to my phone. While they all continued to talk...I felt someone stare at me. I looked up and caught eyes with Jaehyun, he was quick to look away after though..”what was that about” I said in my head. Shrugging it off i continued to scroll aimlessly on my phone. 

On the bus I sat next to Kun, we joke around with each other pointing at stuff and saying that was us (yes we are college students and we still do this, DONT JUDGE US). I pointed to a basket that was attached to this pole (assuming it was a garbage for passengers) and said 

“Look it’s Sicheng” while smiling 

Sicheng and Doyoung (who sat next to each other) Turned to where my finger was pointed and laughed 

I also heard two laughs from behind, when I turned around I saw Johnny and Jaehyun chuckling at my little joke. 

I stared at Jaehyun, his laugh was cute and the way his dimple pops out when he’s smiling, that shirt looks cute on him. Snapping out of my little day dream, I shook my head “Y/N STOP!” I thought to myslelf. I brushed all my thoughts away blaming the heat for making me think such things.  

[@ the destination] 

“So you’re telling me...they made us go to an arcade...for “bonding” time...” I said to Kun and  Sicheng 

“Did you not read what was on the Emergency form...?” Kun said 

“Kun, I don’t think she knows how to read” Sicheng said 

I lifted my hand to smack Sicheng but I lifted it a little too high...and a little too hard....

“Ow what the-”

“fuck my life” I whispered to myself. Turning around I saw Jaehyun holding his eye

“OH MY GOSH IM SO SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN TO HIT YOU” I said He let go of his eye when I tiptoed up to his height to cradle his face in my hands, turning his face to inspect his left eye. 

“It’s okay Y/N, I know you didn’t mean to hit me on purpose...unless you actually did hit me on purpose then...” he said his voice slowly trailing off 

I chuckled while shaking my head. He looked at me a little confused, till I realized I was still holding his face. I quickly let go and awkwardly coughed

“uhhh, come on lets go get you some ice or something before you bruise or something” I said still embarrassed 

While walking towards the “restaurant” part of the arcade Jaehyun decided to lighten the awkward mood by asking simple questions, which helped me loosen up to him a bit. 

“You know you hit really hard” Jaehyun said while I pressed an ice cube wrapped around a couple paper towels 

We both were sitting on the stools of the bar (for the adults) facing each other. 

“yeah..sorry about that” I said 

I was concentrated on icing his eye that I didn’t pay attention to him staring intensely at me 

I backed away realizing the space between us was small. 

“Uh yeah your eye should be okay now...” I said standing up 

“hey Y/N-”

“oh my gosh there you are Jae..I was looking around for you” Johnny said from across the room interrupting what Jaehyun was about to say

“I’m sorry” Jaehyun said turning to you as Johnny tugged on his arm 

“It’s fine go on, I have to find my friends too” I said smiling and waving 

I watched as Johnny dragged Jaehyun to the basketball area...what was he going to say?   

Once I found my friends we played games and ate some gross greasy food, till it was time to leave. 

On the way back to school Kun, Sicheng, and I stayed at the back of the group chatting and joking around. At some point Johnny, Jaehyun, and Doyoung ended up in the back with us and somehow Jaehyun and I ended up behind them...I never realized how nice it was to talk to Jaehyun about something that wasn’t school. I also never realized how cute and funny he was. While talking to him my heart was beating fast.....

- 

Collapsing on my bed I opened the snapchat app up and looked through the snaps i saved. There were snaps of Kun beating Sicheng on those dance machine, but a certain snap I remember taking caught my eye. It was a snap of Jaehyun pulling a funny face and me laughing in the background. I chuckled at the memory 

“I’m surprised he even let me take that snap” I said aloud as the snap kept repeating  

“Let you take what” Lucas said bursting through the doors 

“Geez Lucas YOU KNOW THERES A THING CALLED KNOCKING?!” I said sitting up and quickly turned off my phone 

“Oh wow that’s a thing? Just kidding, Okay Y/N I figured out the chicken and egg situation” Lucas said while sitting on my bed. I groaned and fell back onto my bed putting a pillow on my face. 

-

April Fools ch.1

intro / next

A/N: ahhhh I hope you liked this the first chapter!!!! If you haven’t seen my last post about schedules plz check it out! If you have any you can go ahead and ask me :) also this is posted earlier than expected jwdcbkd. I’m also curious if you guys want niexzy diaries on my dance club and if I got in and how practices are? 

[oswednesday]

long vent

im back from the store and OH MY GOD was mom being terrible?? i BARELY got the basics of what i needed for birthday meal eating meanwhile shes making this elaborate dinner with nothing i asked for and half the stuff i dont even like and omg we re looking at the cakes in the store and shes throwing a fit there isnt a size in between personal and large sheet and i was just like, i get the same thing every year its not a surpise i have a birthday every year and there were other people buying cakes at the same time like the really expensive ones just like helping me look and being all nice before she basically flew at me with that and later when we were going out of the store she was like you didnt have to be so mean to me and i was like ???? mom its my birthday i want to do the same thing every year for more than a decade it isnt a big surprise, and also she was grabbing random stuff for my brother during it like talking about the cake he wants and how much she wants to do get started on his and acted surprised i wanted to do a family thing and kept being like IM BROKE really loudly in the store and i was like you wanted to do something that cost like 200 dollars and we’re not doing that so how are you suddenly broke on my birthday AND OH just backtracking she was fusing about her car =+= like any time she has to spend money on me SUDDENLY her car has an issue she was all like Fake Giggle i need to get my tires rotated so im suuuure theyll find something wrong like??? shes so evil omg??? we were at the thrift store and i found a mirror i really liked but it was Too Much for her but i wasnt leaving without something so i grabbed a cute stamp that was a quarter!!omg before that we re in the car and shes

also we only got three bagels :///// like theres three of us so my birthday breakfast is one day i guess lmao and then she wouldnt get the fruit i wanted instead got cherry pie filling which is okay i guess the peach stuff and strawberry stuff cost exactly the same and buying actual fruit wouldnt have bankrupted her gdfhgjhk i kinda chickened out and regret it i should have just grabbed stuff i wanted and dealt with it later ugh she kept being like im thawing left overs and i was like okay and???????????????  we dont even usually eat left overs NORMALLY so im suppose to on my birthday?? bitch what?? and like in the car first on the way there she was just randomly like im so tired of being bullied like what are you even talking about and then she brought up that shes getting less refund money back cause she cant claim me on her tax return and i was like uuuuhhhhhh duh?? lol and she was like but i could if you were a student so take a class! and i was like thats not how that works a student is a full credit course load and id be working again to pay for it so making too much money for you to claim me and then her stank ass attitude carried into the store i guess she is use to paying for my birthday with the tax money she got back from me which is REALLY FUCKED UP TBH all my friends growing up legit got that money straight back to them same with like child support shes such a bottom feeder omg