#cause no way in hell am i going to pay millions to study in private colleges I dont have that luxury

[merinelsa]

.

[harrysweasleys]

save a life // d.m

Summary: You know what I always thought would be so cute if the reader is a Weasley and dating Draco in secret and he gives her an amulet and if the person wearing it gets hurt instead of dying it turns into a sleeping spell and during the Battle of Hogwarts she saves Fred and ends up on the floor instead and Draco rushes over and just loses it and then he sees that you're still wearing necklace and kisses you and it's angsty but with a happy ending sorry I'm a sucker things like these

Warnings: violence, language, blood

Word Count: 5.1k

A/N: so i changed up the request a tad, sorry about that, but nonetheless it’s pretty much what the request wanted! my requests are still open but i’ve got a long list to get through so sorry for the wait. xxx (gif not mine)

-

“Draco, I can’t accept this, it’s far too expensive,” Y/N’s mouth was agape as she stared down at the necklace in the little black velvet box. The charm on the end, which Y/N immediately recognized as a Protective Amulet — which they had studied in DADA — was glistening brightly, showing off its worth.

“No, it wasn’t,” Draco replied, placing his hand on hers before gently kissing her knuckles, “Besides, this can save your life, therefore it’s priceless.”

She looked up at him, still stunned speechless. She knew that Protective Amulets were rare, nearly impossible to find as they were in such high demand at this time of crisis, and she had never in a million years expected to receive one.

“What about you? You need to be protected too,” Y/N raised an eyebrow, closing up the box and placing it in her pocket, keeping it safe and away from the prying eyes of passing students. Her and Draco, although public with their relationship, tried their best to keep it as private as possible. She hated the attention they always got for being together.

“Don’t worry about me,” he brushed her off, “You know I’m in a very different position than you are.” He tapped his left forearm as a reminder that he was, in fact, fighting a very different battle than she was. When he showed Y/N the Dark Mark for the first time, they had spent the entire night crying, wrapped up in each other’s arms.

She knew it was coming. Hell, anyone who knew about Draco’s situation knew it was coming. But it didn’t change the shock and heartbreak that Y/N felt looking down at the dark ink permanently etched into the pale skin of her boyfriend. She hated looking at it. It was a reminder that Draco had no control over his life, that his entire legacy was built for him, that this was the reason he didn’t sleep nights. He was just as terrified as she was.

“You’re still dealing with You Know Who,” she pressed on, tossing a strand of her ginger hair out of her face, “If anything, you’d need even more protection. You know I always worry about you, I hate not knowing if you’re okay.”

“Love, it’s okay,” he smiled softly, sadly even, placing a hand on her shoulder and gazing into her brown eyes, “Don’t you worry about me. I can handle my end of the fight.”

Y/N squinted her eyes at him, ready to keep pressing the subject, but decided against it, “Fine. Thank you, though. It’s beautiful.” It truly was beautiful. The red gem in the centre caught her attention right away, the way that it almost seemed to glow under the bright lights.

“I’m glad you like it,” Draco said softly, placing a light kiss on her forehead and interlacing his hand with hers, “Now, should we get a move on to dinner so we can make it in time for pudding?”

Y/N grinned, placing a light kiss to his lips — which he gladly reciprocated — before the two of them made their way into the Great Hall. Draco waved ‘bye’ before making his way over to the Slytherin table, and Y/N made her way over to the Gryffindor one, sitting between her siblings.

“What’d he give you?” Ginny asked, peering over to her sister with a pressing look on her face. She had clearly watched the encounter between the two of them outside the Great Hall, making Y/N’s cheeks flush a light pink.

“A necklace,” Y/N grinned shyly, helping herself to come potatoes, “Protective Amulet, actually.”

“A what?” Ron’s mouth was agape, “Where the bloody hell did he manage to find one of those?”

Y/N shrugged, placing her fork down and taking the little box out of her pocket, making sure no one else was looking, and opened it up. Ginny and Ron looked awestruck, while Fred and George seemed to be too busy paying attention to their food to notice the commotion. Y/N placed the necklace proudly around her neck, letting the Amulet dangle between her collarbones.

“Damn,” Ginny nodded approvingly, “That little squirt has some good taste.”

Y/N giggled, admiring the way the candle light reflected off of the gems. She wasn’t one for fancy jewellery, having even told Draco not to buy her any once they started dating, but this felt like more than a show-off gesture. Him giving her something that would save her life felt like the biggest gesture he could possibly give her, one that really showed how much he cared.

When they started dating about a year ago, it was as if a fire had spread throughout both of their lives. Y/N’s family — her father in particular — were in no means ‘fans’ of the Malfoy family. In fact, although Arthur Weasley denies it, his dislike towards Lucius Malfoy grows exponentially by the day. And Draco’s family on the other hand loved to call Y/N and her family ‘blood traitors’ and ‘disgraces’ as well as making sure the fact that they were poor was very much a topic of conversation.

Both their parents were still iffy about the entire concept of their kids being together, but Y/N’s siblings had learned to accept it, much to her gratitude. Ron took longer than the rest, having dealt with Draco’s bullying first hand for five years now, but he eventually came around as long as they didn’t ‘flaunt their love’ in front of him on a daily basis.

“I reckon he didn’t get one for the rest of us, then?” Ron asked, glaring at Draco on the opposite end of the Great Hall while picking at the chicken legs on his plate.

“If you were his girlfriend I’m sure he would, Ronald,” Ginny replied, chuckling at her brother’s reaction. Y/N laughed as well, her hand still playing with the jewel around her neck as the dinner plates vanished, filling the table with multiple assortments of puddings.

“Always the best part,” Ron shoved his fork in, filling his plate to the brim.

Y/N looked over to the Slytherin table, catching Draco’s eye, and smiled widely at him, pointing to the necklace she was now wearing. He smirked at her, winking and shooting a thumbs up, going unnoticed by everyone else, but causing her entire body to flutter.

— —

“What do you think life will be like after the war?” Y/N was twirling a strand of Draco’s hair, overlooking the grounds of Hogwarts as the two of them sat comfortably in the fresh air of the Astronomy tower. They had used this location for most of their private moments, using it to talk about anything and everything. And of course, it was a good makeout spot.

“Peaceful, I hope,” he replied, gazing up at her quickly before turning back to watch the setting sun. Their sixth year hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park. Voldemort had returned, Dumbledore was missing constantly, and with Snape as the new Defence professor, Y/N Weasley was worried their education wasn’t preparing them well enough for their eventual battle.

“Do you think we’ll win?” she asked, pulling her hand away from his hair and turning to face him with a more serious expression, “By ‘we’ I mean anti-Voldemort people. You know, the good guys.”

Draco, although his parents were forcing him to join the ‘dark side’, was still secretly fighting alongside Y/N. She had helped him overcome the urges that came with his newfound Dark Mark, and promised him she’d stick by his side no matter what. He was prepared to leave the Dark Lord’s orders if it meant keeping her safe.

“I do,” he said softly, sitting up, “I think that once the war happens, we’ll be prepared enough to take him down.”

Y/N smiled softly, brushing her hair out of her face, “Dad says he thinks it’ll happen soon. Everyone at the Ministry is in a frenzy. And Fred and George are basically the only open shop in Diagon Alley, no one wants to go out anymore. The entire Wizarding world is in a panic.”

Draco sighed, gently placing a hand on her cheek, his other hand twirling the Amulet necklace she was wearing, “Love, I can’t promise everything will end up being the way it was before, but no matter what happens, I am not leaving your side. And as long as you wear that—,” he pointed to her Amulet, “—you’ll be by mine as well. And that’s all I want. You.”

“I love you,” she grinned, pulling him in for a tender kiss, “We’ll get through this together, yeah?”

“Of course, my love.”

— —

The war had come.

As another wall came crumbling down mere meters from her, Y/N dodged out of the way, her wand still gripped tightly in her hand.

She had been preparing for this for two years now, ever since Harry had emerged from the Triwizard Maze with Cedric’s lifeless body. They had prepared for this when Dumbledore’s Army came to life, all of them training constantly to fight back against the dark forces that were bound to come.

But, as Y/N gazed around the crumbling Hogwarts, watching some of her friends die before her very eyes, she realized that nothing could have really prepared her for this.

“Petrificus Totalus!” she shouted, the Death Eater that was standing in front of her now tumbling down the staircase as stiff as a board. She watched him fall for a long while before deciding to take off down another hallway, gliding against the wall to avoid being seen. She had intelligently decide to wear all black clothing to believe she’d be well hidden, but completely ignored the fact that her bright red hair gave her away instantly. It wasn’t her best moment.

“Y/N!” Hermione and Harry came barreling around the corner, frightening her nearly half to death, followed by Ron, Percy and Fred shortly after.

“Oh, thank Merlin, it’s you guys,” she hugged her brothers quickly, noticing the deep cut on Ron’s cheek and the blood coming from Percy’s hairline. She herself had a few deep scrapes and bruises as well, the blood smeared across her face and hands. Some of it hers, some of it not.

“Why are you all alone?” Harry asked, eyes darting around the corridor with full alertness, “We should all have backup.”

“I lost Ginny after a chandelier came crashing down,” Y/N said, her voice shaky with adrenaline, “We took off in opposite directions.”

“Is she okay?” Harry’s eyes were wide, the panic evident in the way his head snapped violently towards her.

Y/N grinned softly, clutching her wand tightly, “She’s safe, Harry.” He let out a sigh of relief, nodding his head slightly.

“Snape’s dead,” his voice was quieter, almost regretful.

Y/N felt her heart drop. She was never fond of Snape — he hated her and her family to his very core — but he was still someone she had looked up to, “Oh, that’s awful. An awful way to go, in the middle of a war.”

“Where’s Malfoy?” Ron asked, looking out the window that was facing the grounds, green and red flashes blasting in countless different directions.

“I—I don’t know,” Y/N admitted. She had seen him not ten minutes ago, he had arrived with his parents looking very sunken and gloomy, but they hadn’t had a chance to speak two words to each other since the battle had begun. She was worried for his safety, but she figured no one was really after him. Students didn’t know he was a Death Eater and Narcissa would protect her son until her dying breath.

Her heart sunk thinking about him. Since the end of their sixth year, things had been weird. She didn’t blame him, he had insane pressure being thrust upon his shoulders. His parents wouldn’t let him leave their side and Y/N’s parents would let her leave the house or even send Owls. She had pretty much lost all contact with him.

After the summer holidays and after Y/N attended her older brother Bill’s wedding, she had not spoken a single word to him.

Were they even together anymore?

“He’s here, though,” she spoke up once realizing she had been silent for a while, “I saw him.”

Hermione nodded understandingly, placing a hand on Y/N’s shoulder. Hermione, who had been falling for Ron since third year, was the only person Y/N really confided in about her relationship. She didn’t even tell Ginny much. The only reason she confided in Hermione was because she knew about her feelings towards Ron. They often had late night chats about boys and their futures — those chats were some of the best moments in Y/N’s time at Hogwarts, really.

“Look out!” Ron shouted, but it was too late. Y/N was sent flying backwards, crashing into a stone pillar, violently hitting her skull and spine. She could feel the blood oozing out of the back of her head, her eyesight becoming insanely fuzzy, but she opened her eyes in time to see Fred hex the Death Eater, who went flying out a broken window.

Y/N’s eyes started to droop again, and that’s when she noticed the Amulet sitting on the ground in a tiny pile of rubble. It was no longer on her. Panicking slightly, she cleared her throat, blinking rapidly to regain her proper vision.

“Fred—,” she croaked out to the closest person, lifting her hand to point down at it, “Can you get it for me? The Amulet?”

Fred picked it up, rushing over to help his little sister stand up. After she was on her feet, still reasonably dizzy and lightheaded, a bright green flash had flown by, blinding them all for a good moment.

“Avada Kedavra!” Y/N ducked down, her heart skipping a beat. Someone was going to die. 

Fred’s hand — that had been linked with her own — was now gone. The spell had hit him right in the middle of his chest and he was sent flying back, his body lying limp on the floor in a heap of broken stone.

Y/N thought she was going to vomit. She rushed over, letting Percy and Harry deal with the Death Eater, and picked up Fred’s head, resting it in her lap. His hair was standing on end as if he had been electrocuted, and his skin felt hot to the touch, but it didn’t stop her from attempting to shake him awake.

“Freddie?” she asked, her voice still trembling but this time due to the fact that she was holding back tears, “Freddie, please wake up.”

Ron was slumped against a wall, his eyes red and his breathing irregular as he watched Y/N try to wake up their brother. Hermione was comforting him, leaning her head against his shoulder, also trying to keep her emotions in.

Y/N couldn’t take her eyes away from her dead brother, whose eyes were still open wide, a faint smile on his lips that had been there before he got his with the blinding green flash.

“Fred, please wake up,” Y/N cried softly, ignoring Percy leaning down next to her and holding Fred’s limp hand in his own. She shut her eyes, letting the tears flow freely. The feeling of loss was horrendous. She was never going to hear Fred talk, or hear another one of his stupid jokes—

“Reckon I better thank the Slytherin git.”

Y/N’s eyes shot open, looking down at Fred, whose face was now in a painful grimace. His eyes were still closed but he was breathing. His eyelids flickered open and he coughed violently, dust and bits of stone coming out of his mouth.

“Fred?” Y/N dropped his head, placing her hands over his chest to check for a heartbeat to make sure she wasn’t imagining things, and thankfully, there was one, “Fred, you’re alive...”

“Do I have Harry’s scar?” he asked, eyes opening slightly and his infamous grin making its way back onto his face as if he hadn’t just died, “On my forehead, do I have one now too?”

Y/N, too shocked to do anything, glanced up at his forehead, “No.”

“Damn,” Fred muttered, still coughing, “That’s rather unfortunate.” Y/N couldn’t believe he was still alive. But as she looked down to his hand, which was now open, she could see the bright glow of the Protective Amulet glistening brightly. Fred had it. 

“It saved him,” Ron muttered, his eyes wide as he leaned off of the wall, walking over to see his siblings, “Y/N, you had him pick it up for you and it saved him.”

Y/N was still speechless. Her own heart had regained its beat, but her head was still spinning, and the feeling of wanting to vomit was probably even stronger now than when she thought he was dead.

Fred carefully made his way to stand up assisted by Ron and Percy, while Y/N still crouched on the floor next to where he had been laying, her eyes glued to the floor in shock.

“You good, little sis?” Fred asked, sticking his hand out to help her up, “I’m the one who nearly died but you’re the one who seems to be on the verge of passing out.”

“I need to go see Malfoy,” she stood up hastily, rubbing the dirt from her hands onto her pants before pulling her brother into a bone-crushing hug, “Believe me, I’m thankful you’re alive. You have no idea. But I need to go see him.”

“What a roller coaster,” Ron ran his hand down his face, shaking his head before pulling Fred in for a hug as well, “George will have a laugh.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll find his twin brother almost dying hilarious,” Hermione scoffed, crossing her arms, “Y/N, why do you need to go see Malfoy? Isn’t he, you know, not on our side?”

Y/N shook her head vigorously, eyes wide, “He’s always been on our side. He had a weird way of showing it, but he’s never been evil,” she leaned over to pick up her wand off the floor and proceeded to place it in her inside coat pocket, “He’s been forced by his parents to become dangerous. I need to go help him.”

“But why now?” Percy asked, eyeing his little sister with what could only be seen as suspicion. Percy had been the only vocal sibling about his dislike towards Malfoy. Working alongside the Ministry for so many years now, he had heard horrible tales of Lucius Malfoy and tried to keep his youngest sister away from that family the best he could. Unsuccessfully, of course.

“Because he saved Fred, Perc,” she replied, her voice firm, “Well, indirectly, but still. He helped me. I need to go help him.”

The rest of the gang was silent, no one wanting to argue with Y/N — the fire in her eyes was burning bright and there was no way they would attempt to put it out. She was determined, and no one stops a Weasley.

“Do you want backup?” Harry asked cautiously, “Just incase his parents are around, that is.”

“No,” she shook her head once more, “I need to go alone.”

And without another word, she bolted down the nearby staircase, careful not to step on bodies and trying her best to avoid tripping on large chunks of rubble. The school that she had been practically living in for seven years looked unrecognizable. Walls were blown away, blood was smeared on the floors, unfamiliar bodies littered the corridors, and the constant flash of spells reminded her of a violent thunderstorm.

She continued rushing downstairs, luckily avoiding any encounters, and barged into the Great Hall, where she did indeed find Draco. His hair was a mess, his eyes were bloodshot, and his lip was quivering. He was naturally very pale, but he looked even more ghostly under the faint light and the fact that he was surrounded by at least a dozen Death Eaters.

Her heart caught in her throat as she noticed all the eyes in the room now locked on her, Draco’s as well.

“Well, well,” Bellatrix Lestrange’s cackling voice reached her ears and she could feel her fingers begin to shake as they gripped her wand even tighter, “It’s another Weasley, is it not?”

Y/N locked eyes with Draco, who seemed even more panicked now that she was in the room. He nudged his head towards the door, silently telling her to leave, but she shook her head and stood her ground.

“Bella, don’t intimidate our guest,” Lucius Malfoy’s voice reached her ears and she grimaced. He had never liked her, and she doubted he would play saint right now.

“My name’s Y/N,” she said weakly, ignoring the laughs of the Death Eaters who were thrilled by her discomfort. She only recognized a few of them, having heard from Draco who they were, but some were unfamiliar, and the uncertainty of the situation she was in was starting to settle in her chest.

Lucius chucked, running a hand through his greasy blond hair, “Yes, yes, I am familiar with you. Draco, this is your little... girlfriend... is it not?”

Draco’s eyes were wide and he shook his head, tossing his hair back and forth aggressively, “No. We broke up.”

If Y/N wasn’t already devastated, she was now. Was he being honest, or was it just to get Lucius to leave her alone? The coldness in his eyes told her that it was true, but the way he was silently pleading her to leave the room also made her believe he was just trying to keep her safe.

“Ah,” Lucius nodded his head, holding his wand and twirling it through his fingers, “Then why are you here? You’re hardly Death Eater material.”

Y/N froze on the spot, having no idea what to say. Her eyes were wide, her mouth slightly open, and her entire body trembling in both fear and adrenaline.

“Isn’t it clear?” Narcissa Malfoy emerged from behind her husband, her face fierce but her eyes showing the same uneasiness as her son, “It doesn’t matter why she’s here. It matters what we do with her.”

Lucius’ smirk widened as he faced his son, “Ah, yes. Draco, would you do the honours?”

Y/N took a step backwards, wishing she could leave but knowing there was no chance of that now. Draco’s face fell and his lip opened to speak, until he was cut off by his mother once more.

“I highly doubt we should do this here. I’ll escort Draco and Miss Weasley out, we will do this privately,” Narcissa demanded, glaring at her husband, “This is a war, but have some respect for your son, Lucius.”

Narcissa approached Y/N, who was still standing rooted to the floor, face pale and hands balled up into fists so tightly that all colour had left her hands. She knew Narcissa was more fond of her than Lucius, but she didn’t think that she would be the one to force Draco to kill her.

“Come with me,” Narcissa whispered in Y/N’s ear, grabbing her wrist and pulling her out of the room. Y/N was being pulled around so quickly she didn’t have the chance to look at Draco, who was following in tow with tearful eyes.

“In here,” Narcissa pushed Y/N into a dark classroom, pulled Draco in behind her, and shut the door forcefully. Y/N was holding back hot tears, reaching into her jacket slowly to pull out her wand, prepared to defend herself if ever she was going to be attacked by one of the two people in the room with her.

“No need for that,” Narcissa snapped quietly, “I’m not going to make Draco kill you.”

Both Y/N and Draco’s heads snapped up to face her, their expressions nearly matched.

“I’m not a horrible person,” she scoffed, “I know you two need a moment. I will stand guard outside this door.”

With a swift movement, she was outside, the door shut behind her. Y/N and Draco were alone in the room, heavy breathing being the only sound either of them could hear. It felt strange being alone with him, they hadn’t really interacted or been together in such a long time. A lot had happened, and by the looks of it, Draco wasn’t exactly doing any better.

His hands were clenched around his wand, fingers white, and his eyes glued to the floor.

“The Amulet saved Fred,” Y/N spoke up first, wiping away the tears that had threatened to spill, “I wanted to say thank you for giving it to me.”

“You could have been killed,” Draco snapped, taking a seat on top of one of the desks, running his hands through his hair and then down his face, frustration laced into his features, “You know how dangerous this lot is.”

“Yes, I do know,” Y/N replied softly despite the bubbling frustration she was feeling, “But you helped me. I needed to come try and help you.”

He shook his head, locking his eyes with hers, “I gave that to you to save you. I don’t need you to return the favour.”

Y/N had gotten used to his insane stubbornness, but she was beginning to get irritated. They were in the middle of a war, this was hardly the time to get into an argument about a necklace.

“Draco, please, let me help you,” she placed her hands on his, and thankfully, he didn’t pull away like she expected him too. His hands were hot, the feeling of his skin touching hers making her entire body relax.

“How? How can I just leave them?” his voice was no longer accusatory, but gentle and vulnerable, “I want to, believe me, but I can’t. It’s too dangerous. And they’ll know you were involved.”

Sitting next to him on the desk, Y/N wrapped her hand around his shoulders and pulled him in for a hug, not thinking twice. He relaxed against her touch, resting his head against her shoulder and letting his hands fall around her waist. It was an awkward hug, considering they were sitting down, but Y/N loved it nonetheless.

She leaned into him, running her hand through his matted hair and placing her forehead against his shoulder, “It’s going to be hard, I know, but I’ll be by your side. I just want to save you the way you saved me.”

She was extremely cautious of pressuring him too much. Draco had spent his enter life being pushed into things, ordered around. When they had started dating two years before, he was careful not to let her see too much of who he was. But when he opened up, Y/N jumped at the chance to make sure he knew she would always be there. She reminded him every second of the day that all she wanted to do was help him. Watching him become a Death Eater was the hardest thing she had ever gone through — she couldn’t imagine what it was like for him.

If she wasn’t currently giving Draco her undivided attention, she would have missed the way he nodded his head softly, mumbling a quiet ‘okay.’

“Okay, good,” she pulled away from him, flashing the best smile she could muster despite the weight on her shoulders, “Your mother is outside this door. She can help us. She can tell the others that you killed me or... performed the Cruciatus curse, no?”

“I guess she could,” Draco replied, standing off the desk and standing in front of Y/N, “She told me I could make up my own mind. And I’m doing just that.”

Y/N felt her heart swell. She hopped off the desk too, linking her hand with his. He smiled softly down at her. It didn’t reach his eyes, but she could tell he really did appreciate what she was doing for him. He had never been able to actually get help before, but now that she was standing here in front of him, he couldn’t leave her.

“Come on,” she started leading him towards the door, but as she tugged on his hand, he stayed still, “Draco, what—?”

“Are you wearing the necklace?” he asked softly, eyes scanning her neck.

“Yes,” she replied, reaching under her shirt and taking it out from where she had placed it back on while running down to the Great Hall. Despite the dark room and the tense atmosphere, the jewel still glowed brightly.

Draco looked at it, his eyes softening, and pulled Y/N to him, pressing his lips against hers like she was his life source. Their lips moulded perfectly, as if everything around them ceased to exist. The distant screams could no longer be heard, and the darkness in the room seemed comfortable.

They pulled away from each other hesitantly, both of them having new found determination in their eyes.

“I think I’m ready,” Draco presses his forehead up against hers, his hand reaching to fumble with the Amulet, rolling it between his fingers, “I love you so much. And I didn’t mean it when I said we were broken up, you know.”

“I know. And I love you just as much,” Y/N replied, placing a quick kiss on his cheek, her heart soaring, and pulled her wand out of her pocket. They laced their hands together once more, walking towards the heavy door and pulling it open, ready for what was to face them.

Narcissa, looking slightly more frazzled than before, looked between them, then down to their interlaced fingers.

“I have to go,” Draco’s face was set, all trace of vulnerability he showed in the room were now gone. Y/N squeezed his hand tighter, supporting him. He squeezed back as a silent thank you.

Narcissa nodded, “I understand. Be safe, Draco.”

Draco nodded, turning to face Y/N, and proceeded to run down the hall with her by his side. Not in the direction of the Great Hall, but towards the battle, where both of them could save the place and people they grew up with. As they reached the courtyard unscathed, Draco pulled out his wand.

“Together, yeah?” he asked, clenching his jaw and gripping the wand in his hand, his other one still linked with Y/N’s.

“Yeah, together,” Y/N replied, lifting his hand to kiss his knuckles, “Let’s go win a war.”

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Religious Trauma Syndrome: How Some Organized Religion Leads to Mental Health Problems

By Valerie Tarico

Marlene Winell interviewed March 25, 2013

At age sixteen I began what would be a four year struggle with bulimia. When the symptoms started, I turned in desperation to adults who knew more than I did about how to stop shameful behavior—my Bible study leader and a visiting youth minister.  “If you ask anything in faith, believing,” they said. “It will be done.” I knew they were quoting [3] the Word of God. We prayed together, and I went home confident that God had heard my prayers. But my horrible compulsions didn’t go away. By the fall of my sophomore year in college, I was desperate and depressed enough that I made a suicide attempt. The problem wasn’t just the bulimia. I was convinced by then that I was a complete spiritual failure. My college counseling department had offered to get me real help (which they later did). But to my mind, at that point, such help couldn’t fix the core problem: I was a failure in the eyes of God. It would be years before I understood that my inability to heal bulimia through the mechanisms offered by biblical Christianity was not a function of my own spiritual deficiency but deficiencies in Evangelical religion itself.  

Dr. Marlene Winell is a human development consultant in the San Francisco Area. She is also the daughter of Pentecostal missionaries. This combination has given her work an unusual focus. For the past twenty years she has counseled men and women in recovery from various forms of fundamentalist religion including the Assemblies of God denomination in which she was raised. Winell is the author of Leaving the Fold – A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving their Religion [4], written during her years of private practice in psychology. Over the years, Winell has provided assistance to clients whose religious experiences were even more damaging than mine. Some of them are people whose psychological symptoms weren’t just exacerbated by their religion, but actually caused by it.  

Two years ago, Winell made waves by formally labeling what she calls “Religious Trauma Syndrome” (RTS) and beginning to write and speak on the subject for professional audiences. When the British Association of Behavioral and Cognitive Psychologists published a series of articles on the topic, members of a Christian counseling association protested what they called excessive attention to a “relatively niche topic.” One commenter said, “A religion, faith or book cannot be abuse but the people interpreting can make anything abusive.”

Is toxic religion simply misinterpretation? What is religious trauma? Why does Winell believe religious trauma merits its own diagnostic label?

Let’s start this interview with the basics. What exactly is religious trauma syndrome?

Winell: Religious trauma syndrome (RTS) is a set of symptoms and characteristics that tend to go together and which are related to harmful experiences with religion. They are the result of two things: immersion in a controlling religion and the secondary impact of leaving a religious group. The RTS label provides a name and description that affected people often recognize immediately. Many other people are surprised by the idea of RTS, because in our culture it is generally assumed that religion is benign or good for you. Just like telling kids about Santa Claus and letting them work out their beliefs later, people see no harm in teaching religion to children.

But in reality, religious teachings and practices sometimes cause serious mental health damage. The public is somewhat familiar with sexual and physical abuse in a religious context. As Journalist Janet Heimlich has documented in, Breaking Their Will, Bible-based religious groups that emphasize patriarchal authority in family structure and use harsh parenting methods can be destructive.

But the problem isn’t just physical and sexual abuse. Emotional and mental treatment in authoritarian religious groups also can be damaging because of 1) toxic teachings like eternal damnation or original sin 2) religious practices or mindset, such as punishment, black and white thinking, or sexual guilt, and 3) neglect that prevents a person from having the information or opportunities to develop normally.

Can you give me an example of RTS from your consulting practice?

Winell: I can give you many. One of the symptom clusters is around fear and anxiety. People indoctrinated into fundamentalist Christianity as small children sometimes have memories of being terrified by images of hell and apocalypse before their brains could begin to make sense of such ideas. Some survivors, who I prefer to call “reclaimers,” [8] have flashbacks, panic attacks, or nightmares in adulthood even when they intellectually no longer believe the theology. One client of mine, who during the day functioned well as a professional, struggled with intense fear many nights. She said,

“I was afraid I was going to hell. I was afraid I was doing something really wrong. I was completely out of control. I sometimes would wake up in the night and start screaming, thrashing my arms, trying to rid myself of what I was feeling. I’d walk around the house trying to think and calm myself down, in the middle of the night, trying to do some self-talk, but I felt like it was just something that – the fear and anxiety was taking over my life.” Or consider this comment, which refers to a film [9] used by evangelicals to warn about the horrors of the “end times” for nonbelievers.

“I was taken to see the film “A Thief In The Night”. WOW.  I am in shock to learn that many other people suffered the same traumas I lived with because of this film. A few days or weeks after the film viewing, I came into the house and mom wasn’t there. I stood there screaming in terror. When I stopped screaming, I began making my plan: Who my Christian neighbors were, who’s house to break into to get money and food. I was 12 years old and was preparing for Armageddon alone.”

In addition to anxiety, RTS can include depression, cognitive difficulties, and problems with social functioning. In fundamentalist Christianity, the individual is considered depraved and in need of salvation. A core message is “You are bad and wrong and deserve to die.” (The wages of sin is death [10].) This gets taught to millions of children through organizations like Child Evangelism Fellowship [11] and there is a group organized [12]  to oppose their incursion into public schools.  I’ve had clients who remember being distraught when given a vivid bloody image of Jesus paying the ultimate price for their sins. Decades later they sit telling me that they can’t manage to find any self-worth.

“After twenty-seven years of trying to live a perfect life, I failed. . . I was ashamed of myself all day long. My mind battling with itself with no relief. . . I always believed everything that I was taught but I thought that I was not approved by God. I thought that basically I, too, would die at Armageddon.

“I’ve spent literally years injuring myself, cutting and burning my arms, taking overdoses and starving myself, to punish myself so that God doesn’t have to punish me. It’s taken me years to feel deserving of anything good.”

Born-again Christianity and devout Catholicism [13] tell people they are weak and dependent, calling on phrases like “lean not unto your own understanding [14]” or “trust and obey [11].” People who internalize these messages can suffer from learned helplessness. I’ll give you an example from a client who had little decision-making ability after living his entire life devoted to following the “will of God.” The words here don’t convey the depth of his despair.

“I have an awful time making decisions in general. Like I can’t, you know, wake up in the morning, “What am I going to do today?” Like I don’t even know where to start. You know all the things I thought I might be doing are gone and I’m not sure I should even try to have a career; essentially I babysit my four-year-old all day.”

Authoritarian religious groups are subcultures where conformity is required in order to belong. Thus if you dare to leave the religion, you risk losing your entire support system as well.

“I lost all my friends. I lost my close ties to family. Now I’m losing my country. I’ve lost so much because of this malignant religion and I am angry and sad to my very core. . . I have tried hard to make new friends, but I have failed miserably. . . I am very lonely.”

Leaving a religion, after total immersion, can cause a complete upheaval of a person’s construction of reality, including the self, other people, life, and the future. People unfamiliar with this situation, including therapists, have trouble appreciating the sheer terror it can create.

“My form of religion was very strongly entrenched and anchored deeply in my heart. It is hard to describe how fully my religion informed, infused, and influenced my entire worldview. My first steps out of fundamentalism were profoundly frightening and I had frequent thoughts of suicide. Now I’m way past that but I still haven’t quite found “my place in the universe.”

Even for a person who was not so entrenched, leaving one’s religion can be a stressful and significant transition.

Many people seem to walk away from their religion easily, without really looking back. What is different about the clientele you work with?

Winell: Religious groups that are highly controlling, teach fear about the world, and keep members sheltered and ill-equipped to function in society are harder to leave easily. The difficulty seems to be greater if the person was born and raised in the religion rather than joining as an adult convert. This is because they have no frame of reference – no other “self” or way of “being in the world.” A common personality type is a person who is deeply emotional and thoughtful and who tends to throw themselves wholeheartedly into their endeavors. “True believers” who then lose their faith feel more anger and depression and grief than those who simply went to church on Sunday.

Aren’t these just people who would be depressed, anxious, or obsessive anyways?

Winell: Not at all. If my observation is correct, these are people who are intense and involved and caring. They hang on to the religion longer than those who simply “walk away” because they try to make it work even when they have doubts. Sometimes this is out of fear, but often it is out of devotion. These are people for whom ethics, integrity and compassion matter a great deal. I find that when they get better and rebuild their lives, they are wonderfully creative and energetic about new things.

In your mind, how is RTS different from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Winell: RTS is a specific set of symptoms and characteristics that are connected with harmful religious experience, not just any trauma. This is crucial to understanding the condition and any kind of self-help or treatment. (More details about this can be found on my Journey Free [15] website and discussed in my talk [16] at the Texas Freethought Convention.)

Another difference is the social context, which is extremely different from other traumas or forms of abuse. When someone is recovering from domestic abuse, for example, other people understand and support the need to leave and recover. They don’t question it as a matter of interpretation, and they don’t send the person back for more. But this is exactly what happens to many former believers who seek counseling. If a provider doesn’t understand the source of the symptoms, he or she may send a client for pastoral counseling, or to AA, or even to another church. One reclaimer expressed her frustration this way:

“Include physically-abusive parents who quote “Spare the rod and spoil the child” as literally as you can imagine and you have one fucked-up soul: an unloved, rejected, traumatized toddler in the body of an adult. I’m simply a broken spirit in an empty shell. But wait...That’s not enough!? There’s also the expectation by everyone in society that we victims should celebrate this with our perpetrators every Christmas and Easter!!”

Just like disorders such as autism or bulimia, giving RTS a real name has important advantages. People who are suffering find that having a label for their experience helps them feel less alone and guilty. Some have written to me to express their relief:

“There’s actually a name for it! I was brainwashed from birth and wasted 25 years of my life serving Him! I’ve since been out of my religion for several years now, but I cannot shake the haunting fear of hell and feel absolutely doomed. I’m now socially inept, unemployable, and the only way I can have sex is to pay for it.”

Labeling RTS encourages professionals to study it more carefully, develop treatments, and offer training. Hopefully, we can even work on prevention.

What do you see as the difference between religion that causes trauma and religion that doesn’t?

Winell: Religion causes trauma when it is highly controlling and prevents people from thinking for themselves and trusting their own feelings. Groups that demand obedience and conformity produce fear, not love and growth. With constant judgment of self and others, people become alienated from themselves, each other, and the world. Religion in its worst forms causes separation.

Conversely, groups that connect people and promote self-knowledge and personal growth can be said to be healthy. The book, Healthy Religion [17], describes these traits. Such groups put high value on respecting differences, and members feel empowered as individuals.  They provide social support, a place for events and rites of passage, exchange of ideas, inspiration, opportunities for service, and connection to social causes. They encourage spiritual practices that promote health like meditation or principles for living like the golden rule. More and more, non-theists are asking [18] how they can create similar spiritual communities without the supernaturalism. An atheist congregation [19] in London launched this year and has received over 200 inquiries from people wanting to replicate their model.

Some people say that terms like “recovery from religion” and “religious trauma syndrome” are just atheist attempts to pathologize religious belief.

Winell: Mental health professionals have enough to do without going out looking for new pathology. I never set out looking for a “niche topic,” and certainly not religious trauma syndrome. I originally wrote a paper for a conference of the American Psychological Association and thought that would be the end of it. Since then, I have tried to move on to other things several times, but this work has simply grown.

In my opinion, we are simply, as a culture, becoming aware of religious trauma. More and more people are leaving religion, as seen by polls [20] showing that the “religiously unaffiliated” have increased in the last five years from just over 15% to just under 20% of all U.S. adults. It’s no wonder the internet is exploding with websites for former believers from all religions, providing forums [21] for people to support each other. The huge population of people “leaving the fold” includes a subset at risk for RTS, and more people are talking about it and seeking help.  For example, there are thousands of former Mormons [22], and I was asked to speak about RTS at an Exmormon Foundation conference.  I facilitate an international support group online called Release and Reclaim [23]  which has monthly conference calls. An organization called Recovery from Religion, [24] helps people start self-help meet-up groups

Saying that someone is trying to pathologize authoritarian religion is like saying someone pathologized eating disorders by naming them. Before that, they were healthy? No, before that we weren’t noticing. People were suffering, thought they were alone, and blamed themselves.  Professionals had no awareness or training. This is the situation of RTS today. Authoritarian religion is already pathological, and leaving a high-control group can be traumatic. People are already suffering. They need to be recognized and helped. _______________________________

Statistics update:

Numbers of American ‘nones’ continues to rise

October 18, 2019

By David Crary – Associated Press

The portion of Americans with no religious affiliation is rising significantly, in tandem with a sharp drop in the percentage that identifies as Christians, according to new data from the Pew Research Center. …

Pew says all categories of the religiously unaffiliated population – often referred to as the “nones” grew in magnitude. Self-described atheists now account for 4% of U.S. adults, up from 2% in 2009; agnostics account for 5%, up from 3% a decade ago; and 17% of Americans now describe their religion as “nothing in particular,” up from 12% in 2009.

https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2019/1018/Numbers-of-American-nones-continues-to-rise

_______________________________

Marlene Winell interviewed by Valerie Tarico on recovering from religious trauma Uploaded on January 31, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIfABmbqSMA

24:12

On Moral Politics, a TV program with host Dr. Valerie Tarico, Marlene Winell describes the trauma that can result from harmful experiences with religious indoctrination. Dr. Winell explains that mental health issues are widespread and need to be understood just as we understand PTSD. There are steps to recovery, treatment modalities, and resources available as well. She now refers to this as RTS or Religious Trauma Syndrome. _______________________________

Links:
 
[3] https://www.biblestudyonjesuschrist.com/pog/ask1.htm 
[4] https://marlenewinell.net/leaving-fold-former 
[8] https://journeyfree.org/article/reclaimers/ 
[9] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Thief_in_the_Night_%28film%29 
[10] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+6%3A23&version=KJV 
[11] https://valerietarico.com/2011/02/04/our-public-schools-their-mission-field/ 
[12] http://www.intrinsicdignity.com/ 
[13] https://www.maryjohnson.co/an-unquenchable-thirst/ 
[14] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV [15] https://journeyfree.org/category/uncategorized/ [16] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qrE4pMBlis 
[17] https://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Religion-Psychological-Guide-Mature/dp/1425924166 [18] https://www.humanistchaplaincy.org/ [19] https://www.christianpost.com/news/london-atheist-church-model-looking-to-expand-worldwide-91516 [20] https://www.pewforum.org/2012/10/09/nones-on-the-rise/ 
[21] https://new.exchristian.net/ 
[22] https://www.exmormon.org/ 
[23] https://journeyfree.org/group-forum/ [24] https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/

_____________________________________

Get God’s Self-Appointed Messengers Out of Your Head

Valerie Tarico Which buzz phrases from your past are stuck in your brain? “God’s messengers” were all real complicated people with biases, blind spots, favorite foods and morning breath. They were not gods and they are not you. So how can you get them out of your head or at least reduce them to muffled background noise?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElfyYA420F0

[lynelovespopculture]

A CAOS PROFILE STUDY: FAUSTUS BLACKWOOD

From the very first moment he appears on the screen, Father Faustus Blackwood, High Priest of the Greendale’s witches coven and Headmaster of the Academy of the Unseen Arts is set up to be the show’s big bad. But is he truly evil? How did we get this way? Can he ever defeat the Spellmans? Using what the show’s two seasons has already given us and little guesswork, I’ll try my best to answer these questions. Before I get started, I like to state that the ideas discussed in this are 100% mine. The next season could prove me right or wrong, I don’t know. You, of course, could agree or disagree. I would love to see a debate here but, as this blog is a safe place, I must ask everyone to please keep things friendly.  Now, let’s begin:

BACKGROUND

As a feminist, I want to address Blackwood’s extreme sexism. There is nothing good to defend here. Since this wasn’t even an issue until the middle in season 2, some viewers have blamed lazy writing and I don’t disagree but it is in the show so I’ll talk about it. I’m fairly sure that little boys aren’t born thinking that they’re better than little girls.  They need to be thaught that shit. Which leads  me to my 1st   guesswork. We know nothing of Faustus’s childhood, but given his disgust for ‘half- breeds’, I felt safe saying that the Blackwood family are all pure-bloods. I imagine that Faustus’s father is an ancient warlock who had a weak, submissive witch wife and possibly both believe that ‘witches must serve warlocks’ jazz. As for Faustus’s boyhood, I am 2 minds; he could be a golden child-a only child or maybe an only son, favored above his sisters because he was a boy. Or if he had many brothers, he might have been a black sheep; overlooked, teased for preferring books to more manly pursuits.

Whatever lays in his childhood, at age 16, Faustus Blackwood signed his name in the book of the beast and enrolled in the Academy of  Unseen Arts. He must have done well there. After all, he was popular enough to win the election of top boy (unless he cheated) and he’s a powerful warlock so he must have studied hard. Of course, he becomes a teacher and while teaching at the academy, Faustus meets the family that changes his life forever; the spellmans.

There is   a lot to unpack here so I decided to discuss Blackwood relationships have broken down Spellman by  Spellman:

EDWARD: Faustus was Edward’s mentor. It’s possible that, in the beginning, given Edward’s power as a warlock and the fact he was the top  boy himself, Faustus could see himself in Edward. As a teacher/mentor and student, Faustus and Edward were close, possibly even friends. However, the clash between them had to happen. Why? Faustus Blackwood is an extreme traditionist, Edward Spellman, the extreme reformist. It’s the old vs new, Blackwood vs Spellman. The fact that Edward was made high priest, a student put in a position of power ahead of him, must have rubbed Blackwood the wrong way. It’s not only over ideas these men clash it’s also over love. The scene where Faustus tells Zelda that he once confided in Edward that he was going ask for Zelda’s hand in marriage. What’s so interesting here it’s not what’s be said, it’s the faces. Zelda has a look of surprise, this is brand new information to her and she’s not sure what to do with it. But look at Blackwood’s face when he said Edward rebuked him. The man looks in physical pain. Okay, it’s likely that Edward knew about Faustus’s way with women and didn’t want his sister near that mess. Yet, I would like to know what the hell Edward said to Faustus about marrying Zelda that even now, 16 years after Edward’s death and Faustus still looks like a sad puppy just by recalling this memory. It’s also worth noting that Zelda also taught at the academy while Edward was alive. Talk on the show suggests the brother and sister were close and as he was Edward’s mentor it is not that far a stretch to imagine that after he began high priest and headmaster, Edward would make Faustus and Zelda his top advisers. If this is the case, Edward might have unknowingly set the groundwork for Faustus Blackwood’s resentment of him.  Think about it; Faustus started out as Edward’s mentor NOW he’s Edward’s employee at school, Faustus is a devout man but Edward is high priest so he must obey but disagrees with all his polities add to all this that Faustus is working closely with Zelda-a woman he’s clearly in love/in lust with  but had been forbidden to marry. At this point,  Blackwood tries to find comfort by having meaningless sex with women who mean nothing to him. Things come to a head when one of these women (Prudence’s mother) becomes pregnant with his child. Sometimes after giving birth to Prudence, a  female child, the mother begs Faustus to marry her but Faustus, perhaps still entertaining hopes of making Zelda his wife, flatly refuses to marry the mother of his child so the poor woman drowns herself out of shame. Blackwood didn’t feel guilty about his lover’s suicide on the surface, but it was guilt, shame or pity that makes Faustus take his motherless infant to be fostered at the academy, where Blackwood can keep an eye on Prudence but isn’t forced to actually forced to claim her as his own. I had already said that Faustus and Edward don’t agree on many ideas but a prime example of this is their conflicting views are on mortals. Faustus has no needs for mortals, it’s against witch law for a witch/warlock to marry a mortal and Edward did just that by marrying the human Diana. Now Edward is not just changing the rules, he just breaking them. Edward fell in love with Diana-a full human who knew nothing of witch ways, the church or path of the night yet Edward married her and only punishment he received was to sign his child’s name in the book of the beast, something he was expected to do anyway. Yet Faustus was in love with Zelda-a full witch of their world and devout to the path of night, the ideal partner, yet he was forbidden to marry her. Blackwood did eventually, marry a witch named Constance, but from what I’ve seen there’s nothing of love or lust between them. So, why her? I personally believe that Faustus was forced to marry Constance, possibly even by Edward himself. Let me explain. At some point, Zelda, maybe even before Prudence’s birth, must of left teaching to focus on her training as a  midwife, maybe she even left the country, going to England to study with Hilda.  Yet Edward knew his sisters would not be gone forever. If he knew the sad story about Prudence’s mother, Edward would have kept a  close eye on Faustus and was dismayed when Blackwood showed no signs of interest in settling down with a woman that wasn’t Edward’s sister. When Constance showed interest in becoming Lady Blackwood, Edward took matters in his own hands. Playing on Blackwood’s love of power, as headmaster, Edward offers  Faustus a  big job promotion,   but ONLY if he marries Constance, Faustus grumpily agreed. As high priest, Edward perhaps married them himself, killing Faustus’s last, lingering hope of marrying Zelda, well, at least, for a while…

I’d saved the million-dollar question for last: did Faustus Blackwood kill Edward and Diana Spellman? The 1st time I saw the show I thought of course he did but as  I reviewed the evidence in mind,  I honestly don’t know. True, as a warlock, Blackwood could cause a plane to go down without being near it and Edward’s ghost directly Sabrina that it was Blackwood that killed him. Case closed? Not really. Edward is one DUMB ghost.  Right after he tells his daughter that Blackwood bought his plane down, he also tells Sabrina that if Blackwood marries Zelda, he will kill her too but we know that this never happens. I really do get the need to reach out to his child,  but for all her determination and well-intentions, Sabrina is still only 16, a child and not the best pick to stop the wedding.  My question is if Edward wants to truly stop the wedding, what didn’t he just go talk to the bride, Zelda himself? Zelda even has this question herself. But let’s get back to the main question, did Blackwood kill Edward? On the morning of the wedding, Sabrina tells Nick about Hamlet.  For those of not in the know,  Hamlet’s uncle murdered his brother but the guilt only shows itself after Hamlet gets actors to reenact the murder in a play presented to his uncle. Sabrina does not this effect. Sure, when  ‘Edward and Diana’ crash the wedding, Blackwood sees right through it, he knows it’s just the kids using a glamour spell. But in explaining he knows it’s them, he oddly pays Edward a  complement, says that Edward would disrespect their ways by interrupting a sacred rite like a marriage service. Afterward, Faustus still shows no guilt, he simply goes on with his day, throwing Ambrose in a cell and marries Zelda privately. Is Blackwood’s hatred of Edward so deep that he simply feels no guilt over the murder or did he not commit the crime? If it is Blackwood’s master plan to destroy the Spellmans, why kill Edward and then wait 16 years to make his next move? The show doesn't give us enough evidence, either way, to show him as proven guilty or innocent.

 Okay, guys, this went on way longer than I thought but I have a lot more to say so I'll break this into parts. Meanwhile, I want to hear from you! Do you like this? Do you agree or disagree? Did I miss something? A like is nice but I LIVE FOR COMMENTS AND I LOVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[uclaradio]

Interview with SpaceGodApollo (11/2/18)

Interview occurred on “No Pulp Radio Show” with DJ Odyssey, Ishaan Pota and Lily Frankel

This interview has been edited and transcribed for concision with some questions edited for clarity by Lily Frankel

DJO: So for those who don’t know you are, like where are you from?

SGA: Oh shit, alright, so I was born in Houston. And then honestly my childhood roots were all based in Pasadena, my grandparents, and like my sister and shit. And then, uh, shit, after that, that’s when I started living with my dad, uh, in Missouri City. And uh, yeah, shit was kind of rough in the beginning though, cause when my parents got a divorce, I didn’t see my dad for like, four years. So I was with my grandparents and like shit was always rough over there cuz like my family, like, they kind of fucked up. And there’s some shit I had to go through and I had to see and it fucking sucks, but if I didn’t go through that shit I wouldn’t be where I am today, representing my grandparents the way I am today.

DJO: Would you say music is kind of like an escape for you?

SGA: Definitely, man. I think music, for anyone that’s like depressed out there and they don’t have an outlet where they can seek help, it’s like, music is something that can be personal to them, and only them. And they can carry that with them for life. And it’s like, there’s artists that have affected me, that are going to affect me for life. And I’m always going to be so grateful that... God put them along my path, because it truly did help me and guide me as a person.

DJO: So when did you decide that being an artist is what you wanted to do as a career?

SGA: Damn, man. I remember when I was like 11, 12, I started DJing, and I wanted to make like dubstep because skrillex was hype. And I made like a badass, like, remix of Ellie Goulding, her cover of “High for This” by the weekend. That shit was fire, bruh [laughs]. And I was like 12. And I actually got it up on youtube right now, to this day, but uh, shit after that I was like uh, no, what am I doing, I’m young as hell [laughs], like I’m trippin’ thinking I’m finna be some kind of DJ. And then uh, I started getting really into RNB Music, and I really really started getting into like, just vocalists in general, that shit, it just amazed me how some people’s voices could be so powerful that it can affect millions and millions of people. And that shit really inspired me and it made me want to do something in my life that would benefit, like, more than I could ever imagine. And It was probably around like eighth grade, freshman year that I was like, yo, like, I want to be involved in music. I’m not sure how yet? But I’m going to start trying. And I spent a good ten to like, twelve months, just writing every single day song, song, song after song. I missed days of school cause I kept getting in trouble just sitting on my phone with earbuds, like writing lyrics because I was fucking addicted. And uh, I’d miss school and like, literally the whole eight hours of school that’d be going on? I’d be in my room just going off writing and writing and writing perfecting my craft. Studying wordplay, rhyme schemes, all the cadences, everything. And eventually I was like, yo, like, I’d never sing in front of nobody but when I was young my sister used to get singing lessons? And so I would always, you know, that’s my sister, I looked up to her, I would want to hang out with her and see her do her shit. And uh [laughs] I actually learned a lot from it. I would go, like, my own private, when I’m in my room, like really young, I’m talking like five or six? And I would take what she would learn from her instructor and like apply it to myself, but in secret, for so many years. And uh, shit, that’s when I met Christian, freshman year, like first day of school, and like, we just became boys. He tells me he wants to be a photographer, I’m like bro, like, I kinda want to be like, some kind of artist, whether it be singing or rapping, I don’t know yet. And then he was like bet [laughing], I’ll be your photographer, let’s do it. And I was like... It just naturally came together.

DJO: So my next question is, with the music scene so saturated with new up and coming artists, what do you do to separate yourself from everybody else?

SGA: Listen to all types of different music and find a way to respect it, and each its own. Like I will pull up, like, 40s, songs, from like, the war. And sad songs that were like, made to be sad, and try to understand what attracts people to sad songs. And it’s like, when it comes to me, I feel like every song I’ve put off out the jump has been extremely different from the other. And I feel like for me it’s all been, like, just how I’m feeling in the moment, how I’m feeling in my life. I take time dropping my tracks because I want to live different chapters of my life before I put out something that’s like, my baby, you know. That baby is developing while I’m developing as a person too. And it’s like, forever evolving. But then it’s also just like my sound is just like, forever evolving. I’ve got songs coming out like, if you want to find something that sounds like that, there’s only one place you can go. And it’s like, that’s what I’m trying to make the gold-standard for all my shit. Every song, I want it to be unique and where it’s one of a kind.

Ishaan: Who are some artists today that you draw inspiration from?

SGA: Artists today I draw inspiration from, man. Alright, like, no particular order, but like: of course, Kendrick Lamar, King Kendrick pulls true to me and a lot of like where my... my work ethic comes from, I see his wordplay and I’m like, man, this guy is a monster, he’s a freaking beast, he’s not from here [laughs]. Like, how can I compete with that. And I’m like, the only way I can compete with that is focusing on myself, keeping to myself and working fucking hard. But along with Kendrick Lamar, shit, I got, Future. Young Thug. Travis Scott of course. Shit, he went to, we went to the same school, uh, knew him way back, my sister was tight with him way back. And uh, one of the big things, also, about, you know, staying lengthy, is like, I could have been that person, you know, knowing his siblings and stuff, and been like, hey, please show Travis Scott my music, we went to the same high school, we’re friends, blah blah blah. But it’s like, I ain’t ever do that. I ain’t ever tell my parents about my music, I ain’t ever tell my sister about my music. I wanted this to be something that I accomplish on my own. And it would really make me feel complete in my life and everything and it’s something I love and want to do forever. And uh, Travis Scott definitely showed me that music can definitely be more than a hook and a verse. You know, he showed me the future and the way sounds are evolving, and you know, the way softwares and things like that, midis, are evolving, shit can get ridiculous [laughs] in the future. And it’s like, I just want to become one of the greatest artists of all time, that’s definitely the ultimate goal.

Lily: Do you think that, for you, that comes from lyrics?

SGA: For me? I think a lot of it—I feel like it’s all one big, not necessarily formula, but everything has to like, it has to fit, it has to make sense. It’s like, if I’m going to have a beat that sounds like it’s retro, it sounds like I’m taking you back to a different time, I’m going to rap in a way, or sing in a way, that’s from that time. I’m going to pay homage to that and respect it, and also put my own swagger to it and my own... my own generational sound to it and really make it my own. And like I’ve done covers of songs by like, Billie Eilish, and I’ve like completely altered them and changed them and made them completely different.

DJO: So you’re performing at Complex Con this year. How did that even go down? How did the booking go down, what are the details behind that if you can elaborate?

SGA: Yeah, basically, this past year, like, my dad, uh... He had gone to a Jamba Juice and like, in the nearest town center, and he had heard my song playing in Jamba Juice. But he didn’t know it was me. But he liked the song. And so he had the workers, cause he goes there, he’s like a daily person, and so he had asked the workers, like, what song is this? I’ve never heard this on the radio. And they were like, oh, it’s this guy named Ricky Apollo, he graduated from Elkins recently—my school—and he’s like twenty-something, but he makes really cool music. And my dad was like, Ricky Apollo? And I’m sure he like was like, that voice sounds familiar, there was no autotune or nothing. And just so everyone knows, it was my song “Feel.” It was actually my second song I had ever written... yeah, ever written, ever released, ever. And uh, thankfully, by like, the graciousness of God, XXXtentacion had found that song before everyone, and he had reposted it, and that’s when I got, like, my first little spark of exposure. [...] So my dad had asked about how that song, where that song came from. And he calls me and he’s like [affects a slightly older, higher-pitched voice], “hey do you know, uh, who Ricky Apollo is?” he goes, “is that you?” And I’m like, “yeah.” And then he’s like, your song is... you make music?” And I’m like, “yeah.” And he’s like, “it’s playing in Jamba Juice.” And I was like, “really? That’s cool.” And he was like, “what? Are you joking?” And I’m like, “nah.” [laughing] “I guess you had to find out sooner or later.” And then he immediately told my sister. And my sister freaked out because, you know, like I said, when she was younger she always wanted like, to sing, and she wanted to be a singer. And she’s a fucking incredible singer. And I’ll never be at her level [laughing], but uh, no yeah, her vocals are... she’s blessed for real. Like she’s... if you think my voice is good, it’s like... her shit’s on steroids. Like she could do opera. But uh, so my sister found out about it and whatnot. And of course, she’s my sister and she loves me, and as much as I wanted to do it alone, she was like let me help you. I want to be a part of this, I want to do this together. Because I feel like [voice breaks]... our whole life it’s like... It’s really just been me and her... And like... for her to like, feel that way? And want to help? It means like, it means everything, you know. And so she, actually, her boyfriend is a DJ. And uh, he performed at Voodoo just last weekend. His name’s Swaylo. SwayloNights on Instagram, shoutout him. Shoutout my sister, Lizzie Aguirre. So they’re actually both managing me at the moment. So Noah, who is my sister’s boyfriend, the DJ, he has a friend who is the event coordinator at Complex. And so he was like, hey man, this kid’s got a lotta talent. And I want to help him so badly and I want to reach out to as many people as I can, is there anything you can do. And the guy was like, yeah, I’ll check it out and see what I can do. And he listened to it, he got back to him. He said, yo, this is crazy, I’m gonna let the higher-ups get a listen to it. And uh, play him, like these songs, that, you know, I had chosen that I wanted them to listen to? And uh, they had all loved it, and they were like, yo, we have an open slot, let’s fly him out here, let’s get him the hotel, let’s get him the whole package, let’s feed him. And I’m so grateful for that man, it’s crazy. I remember he was like I’m gonna get back to you in a week, I don’t know if it’s for certain.

DJO: Yo that must have been the longest week.

SGA: Oh my god, you have no idea man, I was like, I was hitting the sauna and the sweat room like every fuckin day, just trying to keep my cool, tryna stay relaxed, I was like, it was definitely going to be, I knew it was going to be the biggest moment for me, and I knew it could definitely jumpstart. literally. Everything. And there’s endless possibilities, but uh, yeah, that’s really how it all came together. And after that, it’s like, I’ve got Forbes in my email, because they’re like, dude, you’re young as hell, how did you get on this line-up, and it’s like, we wanna know more about you. And it’s like, they wanna talk too. And it’s gonna be after my performance, and I’m the first one? Starting the weekend? Of all of Complex Con? And, oh my god, am I so ready, to fucking set everyone’s mind ablaze, bro. I want everyone to be hype as fuck and get ready to fucking rage all weekend, get fucked up, and have an amazing time that you won’t remember.

Can you walk us through your creative process?

SGA: Yeah, so, definitely, see when it comes down to my creative process, it’s like, okay, I’m driving a four hour drive from Austin to Houston, like whatever, like I’m bouncing around, and it’s like all of a sudden [snaps] shit just hits me, out of nowhere, a concept, and I’ll quickly take out my phone, open my notes, write a concept, it’s like, this is the type of song I want to put together. [...] And then, uh, later I’ll go home and reflect on that, or maybe I’ll spend two months, like just living life, and then I’ll come back to that and be like damn, I really want to talk about that now. And then I’ll just go to writing, for hours on hours, days on days, and then when it finally comes down to a studio sesh, Imma get like five, six hours for that one song, and I’m gonna fully, uh, invest myself into making that song fucking incredible in the best way I can possibly make it. [...] When I get like in the studio it’s really all about like, we’re all gonna be there, you know my engineer, Matthew O’Neil, he’s a huge part of the creative process. Me and him, we really, we have a like, unspoken chemistry that we just... we don’t even need to talk about, it’s just laughable at this point. We bounce off of each other’s ideas like, like at the speed of light, it’s crazy. I’ll just be in the booth, I don’t have to exit for like eight hours, we just, we know what we’re talking about, we know what we want to do, and when it’s time to experiment, it’s like, I really let him show me, and like show me what we can do with pro tools and stuff like that. And I’ve taken the time to have studio sessions where I simply just learn about the plug-ins and like learn about shit I can try to experiment later, you know, and like sit on and think about. And I feel like that’s really important, I feel like a lot of people think they can just write a verse and a hook, go to a studio and record it and that’s it, but then it’s like, you realize you just made a very boring song, you know. And I feel like, my music, I try to have a different dynamic, a more exciting dynamic, it’s like, Imma keep the same core vibe the whole time, but I’m gonna keep you on your toes with what’s about to happen next, whether the beat’s gonna get chopped and screwed, fuckin Houston style, or like, shit, we’re gonna come in with a like a choir of like my voice, or I’m all of a sudden gonna hit a falsetto, that you have no idea I can even hit that range, and it’s like, it’s really, I really like surprising people and I feel like that’s why, all my releases, I’ve always released it like boom [snaps]. Surprise. Something completely different. And they’re like damn, like, people will be like, oh, make more RNB, make more—do something jazzy, do something trap. And I’m like alright, I’m gonna mesh it all together. I’m gonna get a jazz beat, I’m gonna sing it in RNB, but then my words are gonna be about the trap [laughter]. And then I’ll take that from like, real-life experience, like obviously my parents don’t know this but like I’ve been trappin for a minute. And like that’s how we gotta make a lot of shit happen. Because I can’t be working a 9-5 and think I’m gonna be fucking inspired to make some music that’s gonna touch people’s soul. I’m not gonna do that sitting behind a fucking counter, scanning barcodes. I’m gonna do that from being out, with my friends, experiencing life, experiencing adventures, taking trips and like, going, getting one-way tickets to fucking LA for Complex Con.

How do you stay centered? Because the life of an artist, it has so many ups and downs and unpredictabilities, what do you do to center yourself and just keep sane, and keep the team sane? SGA: Shit, man. [laughs.] When it comes to keeping the team sane, you gotta be more insane than everyone else combined. You have to be able to deal with your own demons and your own negative thoughts extremely well, by yourself, in order to take care of other people, I feel like. I feel like—and that also transitions to relationships. It’s like, I can’t take care... of another girl... if I’m not right with myself. And it’s like, if I’m not good, and if I’m not in a good mental state, and I can’t even get myself in control, if my girl is hurting or she’s going through some shit, how can I be there for her if I can’t be there for myself. So I feel like a lot of keeping the team sane is really just like me keeping my composure when shit get crazy, and when shit get wild, when like, things go south, whatever, I really like, you gotta be a leader sometimes, you gotta be like a red power ranger. [DJO laughs.] Like you got the whole team, you got the whole team, but like, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta have some guidance in there.

DJO: Just turned nineteen, so for you to already kinda be encompassing this leadership quality, and just being like hey, I’m grounded, I’m centered, and you know, because, I understand the team kinda feeds off that.

SGA: Honestly, it’s like, as much as it sucks, that like, cause like I fuckin, honestly, honest to God, like I fucking hate my childhood, but if it wasn’t for my childhood, and me and my sister just being, like, by ourselves, going through our shit, it really helped us mature a lot faster, and I feel like that’s why I didn’t fuck with a lot of people in high school, and even in middle school, because I just had, I’ve seen a whole fucked up world that these kids at the time hadn’t seen. And I was, like, different in the head, but like, you know, obviously, like, I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it, it was just, Ima just keep to myself and worry about myself and my fam and making sure my sister’s good, my momma’s good, my dad’s good, my friends are good. Everyone. You know.

DJO: If you feel comfortable sharing, like, what’s one of the most fucked up things you’ve seen. Or, the most fucked up thing you saw.

SGA: Shit. One of the most fucked up things I’ve seen, is... my uncle, coming home, one day, uh, to my grandparents' crib, and like, I got other uncles there, at the time, and like, they.... You know, they, they, they could be fiends back then and they would be fightin, over like crack, because one of them would be like selling crack or have crack and [takes a deep breath] they fuckin, they get fucked up, and then they fight each other over it and then my grandparents tried to get involved, get them out of it, and they’re like in their fucking late eighties, nineties, and, and then, my uncle, beat my grandmother.... [voice breaks] and my grandfather, you know, like..... right in front of me, and it’s like... when you’re that young, and [crying] you care about those people, that shit hits different. And that’s when I would, have to, realize I can’t do anything. And then uh... I’ve never talked about this [laughs weakly]. [A moment of quiet. His friend rubs his shoulder.]

DJO: I mean, we could stop if it’s getting a little bit too deep, man.

SGA [his voice is quiet. He’s still crying. His friend is still rubbing his shoulder.]: Nah, it’s cool, it’s just... it’s just hard to dig back. I try so hard to like.... not think about it, but... it’s tough. And like that uncle, he’s, you know, he’s rotting in jail [crying], and... you know, he’s my uncle, but... he’s made his choices, and so, you know? [Exhales.] He’s got to pay for that shit I guess, bro. Nonetheless, like.... just gotta keep moving forward. Keep doing what we’re doing.

L: You talked about earlier, a little bit, meditation on the plane and spirituality, that kind of stuff, do you think that’s something that’s helped you and translated into your music at all?

SGA: Yeah, just like I’ve said, you know my sister, you know, she lived through the same fucked up shit, and so she’s actually a fuckin professional yogi, like, instructor. And she’s very spiritual and she found her own way to cope with what she goes through, through her lane, and I found mine, and I feel like we really help each other as a [voice breaks] family, and it’s... and keep each other strong, and she really showed me how to [voice breaks] keep my sanity, and keep myself... together, even though I have so many regrets... growing up, but. [Takes a breath.] Yeah, on the plane I really just had to get in touch spiritually and realize that... I’m doing this all for a greater purpose, personally. And it’s like... I feel like the reason that I could give a fuck about fame or fortune is like why I try so hard. It’s cause like, it’s really, it’s really for everyone around me. [Crying.] And I got so much love for the people around me. Real talk. I’d kill—I’d kill for my people.

DJO: So let’s get on a little bit lighter note, why don’t we talk about the track we just played for the people [“Hol’ Up”]? What was the process going behind that track? I remember when we were in the living room, we were talking about how it was one of your favorite tracks to develop.

SGA: One of my favorite tracks I’ve ever made, man. Uh, this producer, out in like... uh, I think he’s Norwegian... hit me up, like, didn’t even know English, like, talking through google translate, and he’s like, yo, I heard your shit, and like, it’s crazy. Check it—I do old school rap beats, I don’t know if you’ll like it, but fuck with it. And so I’m like, dude, I love old school rap, and I’ve always wanted to go down that lane, it’s just no producers right now, that I can get in touch with, are doing it well. And he sent me this beat and I knew, like, the way it had me moving? With no lyrics? I just knew, like, if I felt that way about it, I-I don’t have to write shit. Ima go in there and Ima go off my vibe and how I feel and when people hear it they’re gonna feel what I’m feeling and feel how I was in the booth. And when I had booked that session, me and Matt were like, let’s fuck around, let’s just re-spark the inspiration, let’s get back into, like, our hard-core work ethic, and we get like a 10-hour studio session, and we just... get a couple beats, put them together, free-style for hours, and we had put together like a 16-minute long freestyle. And it’s like, between my closest friends—it was never released, but between my closest friends, they still tell me to this day, like, drop it. And I think, uh, it’ll be something that’ll go on Soundcloud like years from now, just as something to look back on. And uh, cause that was my way of just like furthering, learning more about myself and my voice, and trying to hit extremes, in a completely, like... when you’re just high as hell, and a beat will literally move every fucking nerve in your body and it will just come so naturally. And so after I had literally done that for hours, like eight hours, and I’m like, damn, like, I’m tired as hell, let’s just chill bro, I’ve got this nice-ass old-school beat, let’s throw it on. And so Matt throws it on, immediately he’s like—he loves old school rap—and he was like, yo, like, this is fire, go get in that booth. And I was like bet, let’s get it. And then uh, we honestly knocked it out in probably like 25 minutes flat. Like, no autotune, ran through that shit. I had one thing written, and it was “hol’ up, wait, let me go out to your estate.” And we just ... ran that hoe. And that, I feel like that’s why it was so amazing to me, cause I thought like, I was so exhausted and like done for the day, nothing would come out, and it’s like—I had made the best song to me that I had ever—it was the most rewarding song to me, honestly. I feel like it was just: the ad-libs were perfect, my melodies were perfect, the vibe was perfect, and to me—it made me happy. And if it’s like, it makes me happy? I know if I can get the exposure, and get it out to millions of people, a good portion of them will like it too. And that’s all I need, to like, you know, want to keep going.

Listen to the full interview here and check out “Hol’ Up” and other SpaceGodApollo tracks on Soundcloud and Spotify!